ISSUE 69 | THEAVIOFF.XXX | APRIL 1, 2015
THE AVIOFF
Eelon Stank stares absent mindedly into the cold abyss of space in his dramatic Soviet propaganda poster. The charisma is palpable.
COLD CASE SOLVED: NAZA KILLED JFK Dick Weekly Embezzlement Editor SpaceWhy CEO Eelon Stank upset the space industry even more in his announcement on Monday, where he claimed to have finally discovered the mastermind behind President John F. Kennedy’s assassination. He stated that after many years of searching for the worst space launch vehicle, he wandered off on a wild tangent in his research, where he came across the true mastermind behind JFK’s assassination: NAZA. Yes, NAZA. He claims that it “makes too much sense” and “only rocket scientists could pull off something that extreme.” After nearly being Baker Acted by the public, Eelon explained his discoveries: America and the USSR were on the verge of adding nuclear winter to mankind’s list of accomplishments. In order to ensure the safety of its citizens and supremacy of her country, America utilized her notorious spying capabilities against the USSR, exploiting any of their weaknesses. After months of no joy, U.S. spies got a breakthrough – they discovered the USSR had
no physical involvement in the rapidly heating-up Space Race. Everything the USSR did in terms of their space program was all a hoax – they simply used primitive finger color paints and poor photography to depict a picture of a technologically advanced space program, with the capability of launching satellites and nuclear armament into space. In this Soviet arts and crafts project, the USSR hoped to fool the U.S. in the Space Race and bankrupt the U.S. as NAZA tried to succeed. Unfortunately, our spies uncovered this plot too late, as America already spent a large sum of money on bailout programs and wealth redistribution in order to better support NAZA. If the U.S. were to suddenly stop spending this money, it would be uncovered by Soviet spies in the U.S., and then both countries would be at a stalemate in the Cold War. Therefore, American leaders decided to redirect funding from the communistic Affordable Healthcare Act merely towards NAZA officials, who agreed to save the extra income and return it to Uncle Sam after the Cold War. In the meantime, NAZA officials invested a fraction of their
surplus income towards “paint by number” kits (surpassing in every way to the Soviet’s simple finger painting) sold at Wally-World, and then used those awe-inspiring paintings as propaganda for America’s superior space program. After a number of years, America’s propaganda was waning behind the Soviet’s, especially after the “Sputnik” bovine scat. It was only after JFK’s “moon” speech did NAZA officials know which painting kits they should purchase at Wallymart. Now, with this common goal of landing on the moon, NAZA officials were sure to win the blue ribbon at the international art competition. However, after a surprise visit by JFK to Lincoln Space Center at Cape Canaveral, Fla., JFK realized America had no space program and NAZA officials were wildly spending their savings on lavish trips to Razzzle’s and Lollipoop’s in Daytona Beach. President John F. Kennedy, a noble and honest man, could not stand for lying to American taxpayers about funding a non-existent space program. Simultaneously, JFK also knew that the money still had to be spent, so he redirected the
funds to himself. At this point, NAZA officials were addicted to the fun and entertainment Razzzle’s and Lollipoop’s had to offer, which left NAZA no choice – they had to assassinate President Kennedy. After promising Vice President Lyndon B. Johnson a full ride to Humpty-Diddle Airplane School, V.P. Johnson convinced JFK to have an open-top convertible motorcade through Houston. From that point, NAZA paid Lee Harvey Oswald, a Razzzle’s regular and guy with a gun in the backwoods of Volusia County, to do the dirty work. “From there, the rest is history,” Eelon claims. Now the NSA is reviewing its audio recordings of NAZA officials to investigate the claims made by Eelon. Additionally, the U.S. Justice Department initially asked the IRS for all documents relating to NAZA officials, but the IRS is useless and can’t differentiate their anal sphincter from a hole in the ground, so the Justice Department is simply reviewing all information for NAZA current headlining project – the Space Blast System.
WARNING: The Avioff is a satirical newspaper that is not meant to be taken seriously. All articles, photographs, and editorials published in this issue are false and might (probably will) be offensive to readers. If you think you might be offended by the content of this publication, please DO NOT read beyond this disclaimer. Happy April Fool’s Day!
Dictator Supreme Doesn’t Take Care of Peeps
Bedtime Story Writer Embezzlement Editor Porn Photographer Miss Rips-you-off
Gary Spongebob’s Snail
Knight of the Round Table
Big Bird The one with Nice Lips Rear Admiral Jakov Sleazy Whorsradish
Enslaved Minions forced to lay out pages for two crumbs of bread
Caver Maker Camp-Out Minion S-Communist-A Maker Kid Death Machine Opinions Don’t Matter
<Insert Title Here> Funnies Layer Person who laid out the page the keeps people busy Porn Spreader Grammar Nazi
Rainbow Sprinkles Goldielocks Vanilla Ice Gingersnap Peppridge Farms Plain Jane Fly’s always down boy Pilot wannabe Engineer <Insert Name Here> BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH Mr. Little Country Next To Austria & Switzerland
Recognized Slaves Slanderers Porn Stars
Pete the Repeat Sir Lockesely of Green Souffle Girl Roxxxanne Alexxx Stoner Jexxxee’s Gurl
Free Fools Who Contribute Actually, sadly, nobody who is free actually contributes to our terrible, kitten-slaying organization.
Person who tells us what to do Wes Perry, Supreme Dictator of Propoganda
Don’t try to get in touch with us, we don’t answer our phone.
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The Avioff is produced once every year, only on April Fools Day. The Avioff is produced by a group of slaves that were shanghied from various places around the world, in secret farms that we’d have to kill you if we told you about. All these slaves are forced to run the paper, and if they do something wrong one is chosen to be killed at the end of the day - similar to being voted off the island. The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Avioff are not at all the opinion of the undersigned “writer(s)”, but are all totally those of Humpty-Diddle Airplane School, the Student Communistic Association and The Avioff, but not at all the student body. Letters appearing in The Avioff are not those of the writer, but are usually written by a minion told what to write by a slave master with a gun at the back of the minion’s head. Letters may not be submitted to The Avioff unless they are lewd, obscene or libelous, in which case they probably will be run - the more lewd, obscene and libelous it is, the more likely it is to be run. Letters will always be carefully censored for what the slave masters of the organization want them to be said. The Avioff is basically a slave organization which is heavily controlled and censored by the slave leaders who don’t want to ever be spoken about or seen or heard. The Avioff is a division of the Student Communistic Association of Humpty-Diddle Airplane School. The Avioff costs $100 Billion per issue, credited weekly to your student account, so you’d better pick it up and read every word of it a million times to get your money’s worth out of it! If you steal issues of the Avioff, you will be hunted down and forced into slavery in the organization, which will be a living hell until you die. Are you still reading this? If you are, props to you, you fool. You have no life. You need one. Get one, idiot! Seriously. Are you STILL reading? Stop right now. I hope you were able to get a laugh from it, you fool!
Sardine Hall Sleazy Whorsradish Cessna Captain
This past fall, Humpty-Diddle students were packed into the residence halls as an unprecedented number of new students arrived on campus. That number is predicted to double in Fall 2015. With the year quickly coming to a close, the administration has come up with a plan to efficiently and comfortably house freshmen in the upcoming semester. “We call it Sardine Hall,” says Stu Dent III, director of housing at Humpty-Diddle, “finally we found a way to house hundreds of students without breaking any laws or fire codes.” The floorplan of Sardine Hall includes 10 floors of 250 square foot rooms with a 300 square foot lounge on every floor. “We calculated that the students really only
need about 5 square feet of personal space, so putting 50 students to a room is totally fine,” says Stu. As for the lack of beds or desks, Dent commented, “Sitting isn’t healthy for you anyway. We are helping keep our students in shape after all that Suduckso food we force them to eat.” Dent also believes that the new housing arrangement will help students lead a minimalist lifestyle. Rather than assigning students to a room, Sardine Hall will take students on a firstcome-first-served basis. At 8 a.m. on move-in day, the doors will unlock and students will be instructed to run to any room they choose. Once the hall has filled up, leftover freshman will be taken to the 5th floor of the COAS to set up camp because no one is ever there anyway.
pus. “We’ve thought about bunks in the ICI center, sleeping bags on the flight deck, and offering students to spend the night in the airplanes but nothing has been approved by President Jimmy John” said the Director of Housing. “This leaves us with our plan B, which is to turn the West Lawn into a Tent City”. Details of the plan allow students to bring their own tents and cook-
ing equipment for a small monthly lease of $750 USD. It is estimated that the space will allow an additional 200-250 residents to stay on campus. Local vagrants and ner-dowells were randomly selected and given honorary HDAS degrees in ‘Outdoor living’. These new HDAS employees will live among the students and serve as Academic advisors and life coaches.
Dick Weekly Embezzlement Editor
Boss Man In Charge The Adopted One News Editor Butt-Plug Sales Rep Pornography Editor Total Ad-Shammer
The esteemed Humpty-Diddle Airplane School has always shared its fair piece of the pie when it comes to growing pains, but this previous Fall semester was nothing less than a self-induced schlacking. The University’s overzealous Admissions Department managed to accept more firstyear students intent on staying on campus than the residence halls could facilitate. The failure to communicate and coordinate between departments simple numbers is quite frankly embarrassing from the author’s stance. “This resulted in the unfortunate ‘tripling’ of rooms in two of the school’s residence halls,” said SGA President Dre Biscoff when interviewed by The Avioff. And since
history is often lost on the younger generations, tripled students were bitter and shortsighted enough not to realize that the original intent of Okay Hall was for eight resident’s (two bunk beds per side) to reside within a Okay room. The Triples were reminded by Housing staff to “Count their blessings” in an email sent out. When interviewed on being tripled, one peach-fuzzed flight student exclaimed, “This is wack yo! We come up here to pay all this money and I actually have to interact with people my age!” With the ravenous effort to grow student numbers and acquire females, the University’s Admissions office is once again on course to accept more first year residents than beds that exist on cam-
RE: RE: RE: RE: After numerous complaints from students, the faculty of the Physical Sciences Department will attend a mandatory academic course: COM20 - “Fundamentals of Communication.” The faculty of the PS department will learn how to effectively use various tools and features of e-mail, including but not limited to: reply, reply all, carbon copy (CC), blind carbon copy (BCC). Additionally, they will master the ability to condense all emails into one email that will be sent once a week to all students, instead of blanket emails sent from multiple faculty members, multiple times a day, containing redundant information. Johnny Galileo, an Engineering Physics student, said, “I am overwhelmed with joy. Knowing that I will no longer have to scroll through lightyears of email addresses is such a comforting feeling. Additionally, the fact I no longer have to live in fear of receiving 314 emails in the same time it takes the ISS to revolve around earth, as some professors debate the state of Schrödinger’s cat - a matter that doesn’t demand 314 emails delivered to my inbox. Professor Newton of the PS department said, “We simply had no idea we were doing more harm than good. Because all of our students are the smartest at this University, we thought it would be better to give them as much information as possible, and then some, so each student would have all of the facts and could make an educated decision. Now, we realize our students are too busy answering the universe’s grandest questions to be bothered with hundreds of emails every day. Therefore, the faculty of the PS department will do our very best to help facilitate the education of our students, which means educating ourselves on the latest and greatest on industry standards of communication.”
Rejection Hotline: (407) 916-ROCK If you wanna get screwed: (888) SCREWYU Who Faxes anyway? (SCR) EWTHAT
Ginger Snaps Cookie Monster
Smartest Department On Campus Reviews Communication Procedures
Fools In Charge
Humpty Diddle Forced To Offer Tent City as Residence Hall Option
Try to Enjoy Scenic Daytona Beach Tweedle Dee & Tweedle Dumb Int’l Correspondents Another weekend means another adventure and this time it would be perhaps our greatest one yet. The two of us have travel to many great cities together before: London, Tokyo and Sydney but those cities pale in comparison to what has been right outside our front door: Daytona Beach, The World’s most famous beach! We could not wait to get our day started at the crack of dawn and go to the beach to watch a sunrise. Our only problem was the sea fog was so thick, the visibility must have been no more than 500ft: just an average spring morning in Daytona. After the botched sunrise we headed for breakfast. There are many great places to enjoy the specialty cuisine that this city has to offer; one of the best breakfast joints is Waffle House. By far the biggest attraction to Daytona (figuratively and literally) is the Daytona
International Speedway, home to such heart pounding, left turning races like the Dayphona 500 and other the Cock One-Inch 400. If you prefer even more action than these races, I suggest the Rolexxx 24 which includes several difficult right turns. What is great about the speedway is that you can take a tour of its oval majesticness and witness where all this happens. If you prefer shopping, you are also in luck, Daytona features some of the latest styles in the world in its large shopping mall, The Volusia County Mall, located conveniently right across the street from the Speedway. It’s so large, in fact, that they had to have three Dillard’s department stores. Every time either one of us goes to a new city, we always use the flight over to plan what we want to see and do. In some cities it’s harder than others, but in Daytona this is not the case. Everywhere you go, there is always something going on. In the late afternoon
sun, we made our way back to the beach for quick dip before dinner and to soak up that last little bit of Florida sun. On the beach with the locals, you finally get a sense of how great they truly are. Just before Beach Street, there is a little Italian restaurant called Bappa-duh-Boopi’s. It is highly recommended. The owner Jimmy loves to come out and visit his customers and does provide some great laughs. His wife works the front of house and has many great stories that will keep you entertained throughout your dinner. After such a lengthy dinner, it was getting late but before we called it a night we had to try out some of the legendary nightlife that has put Daytona on the map. Seabreeze Blvd is the heart of the action in Daytona from Razles Night Club to 508. We would have partied all night long, but alas, all good things must come to an end. Both of us came to the striking conclusion that Daytona Beach is better than we could have ever imagined.
Avioff Finds Way to Fill White Space A.P. Thetic Chief Butt Plug Engineer
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Top Headlines 1)
SCA Invests All Funds Into Plug-X F69 Butt Plug
2)
Campus Safety Requires AARP Membership to Carry Firearms
3)
Avion Sets Speed Record, Outpaces RAVE System
4)
Campus Safety Turns Humpty-Diddle into Suspension Test Course
5)
Student Laid to Rest After Razor Blades, Napalm Found in SuducksHO Products
6) Record Number of Students Transfer to Purdon’t Univershiddy 7)
Avion’s Brand New iMacs come pre-installed with “Butt Plug” Error Sound
8)
Humpty-Diddle Counseling Center Recieves Training to Assist Women with RIBS
9) Humpty-Diddle Airplane School Forces RadioSac Into Bankruptcy 10)
Insert Joe Biden Commentary Here
11)
Scientists Find Evidence Suggesting Gingers Do Have Souls
12)
Project Due December 1st, Student Realizes there is no November 31st
13) Spongebob Found Gay, After Taking 20 Dudes at Once 14) Student Goes to Advisor High, Triple Enrolls in Computational Mathematics, Aerospace Engineering and the Accelerated MBA Program
Humpty Diddle to Take Over Sallie Mae
Jes Madup Pokemon Trainer
After several months of discussions, a deal has been finalized for Humpty-Diddle Airplane School to take full ownership of the student loan provider Sallie Mae. The move comes on the heels of a Washington Hoax report that HDAS alumni now comprise 90 percent of the funds loaned by Sallie Mae. While HDAS students represent less than 1 percent of the total outstanding loans, the amount per loan has skyrocketed over the last ten years, taking HDAS to 90 percent of total outstanding debt. The final price paid for Sallie Mae was not disclosed, but sources close to the matter say it was “quite low.” When asked about the price, the Humpty-Diddle Dean of Finance, Billy Madoff, said that it was not a substantial price tag. “Really,
Sallie Mae is quite low in value because most of its loans will never be repaid. Believe me – HDAS knows all about massive student debt.” He also went on to say that taking on such debt posed no risk to the school. “Actually, the risk here is quite low. Now that we’re in aviation and banking – HDAS is first in line for the next government bailout.” Among the advantages cited in Monday’s press release, is the cost savings of combining HDAS’s student aid office and Sallie Mae. The University believes a combined department could save hundreds of thousands of dollars over the next 10 years. When asked if that could result in lower tuition for students, the University President, Jack Yomoney, responded “Really? Now that’s funny.” He was also asked if the new combined loan office would
help streamline the student loan process. “Yes, it will allow students accumulate debt faster than ever before.” He went on to say that students will not notice much change during the transition process, and will continue to enjoy the University’s exercise program, known as the ‘riddle run around.’ In recent years, student loans have maintained relatively high interest rates, even as U.S. treasuries and other interest rates have hit historical lows. Proponents of the Sallie Mae purchase had hoped that the acquisition would result in lower interest rates for student loans. However, many students expressed concern that the opposite may be true. Prompted by reporters, the head of HDAS Student Services, Noah Heer, stated, “There should be no uncertainty about the matter. Students should not worry about
Humpty-Diddle Waives Acceptance Process Ginger Snaps Cookie Monster In an exciting press conference this past Monday, Humpty-Diddle Airplane School President Jimmy John announced the University would no longer be turning students away from walking upon its cracking legacy walkway and sitting for overpriced meals in its aging student center. It’s long been the vision of HDAS to grow its campus population to 10,000 students by 2025, and University administration from the Unwelcome Center have decide that this will be their way of meeting that goal. “My chief financial officer was telling me about our 60% acceptance rate, I was appalled by that low percentage. I
saw that as 40% less than the appropriate amount of money we could be having for our expansion!” said President John. The landmark decision assures that even more hapless undecided freshman will be beguiled into the University searching for fulfillment and the promise of success. “That’s the beauty of Humpty-Diddle,” said John, “the first year students who end up paying for two semesters then realizing what they actually want to do with their life contribute to paying a large amount of the bills that pile up!”. Humpty Diddle hopes that its melting pot of cultures and ideas will be the catalyst in helping students realize what they’d rather do in life than end up
soaked in debt for the foreseeable future. Humpty Diddle is committed to ensuring that anyone capable of arriving at campus and filling out credit card applications will not miss out on being an Eagle. They’ve even completely remodeled the Admissions and Visitors center with credit card readers, comfy chairs and a movie theater for walk-in students. “The needless extravagance of the room is the hook! It basically a trademark of Humpty Diddle”, said President John. “The Aerospace Industry is craning to accept our blissfully fully unaware and overqualified graduates, we’re going to change the world!” said Mr. John at the conclusion of the press conference.
loan rates – clearly they will go up.” Despite Sallie Mae’s assertions of a fair price tag, some members of the HDAS Board of Directors had been skeptical of the deal. One who asked to remain anonymous said, “Why are we spending funds on this when we still have 150 new
buildings under construction?” There are now 157 new buildings under construction. (The additional seven were commissioned in the three hours following the board member’s statement.) In order to complete the agreement, the U.S. Government added one final concession.
In addition to Sallie Mae, HDAS will also receive another totally worthless business jet that pilots refuse to fly. HDAS says it will place it with the ATM program (formerly the AMT program), where is will sit for the next 15 years, turning into one more campus eyesore.
Ready for #BiggerShow Chocolate Drop Exotic Dancer After the weekly SCA meeting at Molly Browns, it was discovered that WSTD and Fondle-N-Flee have been using funds in order to throw unauthorized, off-campus events at Lollipops and Razzles. In an effort to save themselves, Fondle-N-Flee will be hosting a #BiggerShow with sponsorship from WSTD. The #BiggerShow will have entertainment by the one and only Wes Perry. The opening headline will be a group reading of 50 Shades of Grey. Guests are
asked to bring towels, plastic tarps, diapers, and/or kitty litter with them, in order to sit on and clean up any loss of bodily fluids. People are advised that if you do intend on releasing bodily fluids, there shall be a roped off section called “the skeezers enclosure” to be run by Bi-Smegma Sorority. Felta Pie Fraternity has announced they will also be performing and presenting a campaign called “Why does nobody like me.” In addition, they will be catering the event and serving different types of sausage related meals.
Furthermore, there will be other organizations presenting different campaigns such as AXED and Smegma Smegma’s “Sorority sisters are the best friends money can buy”. The sororities plan on displaying a bunch of hammered belfies and giving free kitty litter to the first 200 people that show up. Buckle your harnesses, Humpy Diddle Airplane School, you’re in for a show with more fluids running than a river. The UC is bound to be flooded with excitement, sausage involved meals, and lots of moist kitty litter.
Wes Perry dancing with world-renowned Left Shark at HDAS’s cult indoctrination ceremony
ATTENTION FLYBOYS!
Felt-a Pie: All the Friends You Can Buy Flardiat Meteida Smegface
Rent G10,000 SKYCAWKS $9.95/hr Available in your wet dreams HDAS FLIGHT INFORMATION FILE Subject: New Safety Guidelines Issued: 03-31-2015 Expires: to be determined Confirmation code: SAFET4U
NUMBER 25-7
Author: Nickelback Applies To: Freagin errbody in hur Hard Stop Flight Activities: YES
1. Based on recent safety reports gathered by Humpty-Diddle and accident data from the NTSB we will be implementing new safety procedures. These procedures will take effect immediately. 2. Due to traffic conflict only one aircraft or vehicle may move on the ramp at one time and prior authorization must be received from the flight supervisor. Fuel truck drivers will also have to complete a four year degree in “Ramp Safety” before commencing employment. 3. Due to the high risk associated with taxiing, all aircraft will be pushed by hand to and from the runway. No ERAU planes will move when another aircraft is already in motion anywhere on the planet. A three credit course will be offered on how to push an aircraft. 4. Based on the large number of accidents that occur during takeoff, taking off will now be prohibited. All aircraft on the ground must remain there. IPs will simulate takeoffs by rocking the wings and making airplane noises. 5. Landings also pose high risk and will no long be permitted. Aircraft already in the air must remain there. Any IPs caught landing will no longer be employed. 6. Landings will be simulated by the IP yelling “flare” then yelling at the student about the simulated landing. Stall warning horns will be simulated by an alarm clock. Students who have a simulated crash will be immediately hired by a regional airline. 7. Also, due to the risk of electrical shock, the master switch on all aircraft will remain off and the batteries will be removed. IPs will be provided with glow sticks for night operations. ATC clearances and ramp in/out will be accomplished by certified mail. 8. Due to the possibility of propeller-related injuries, the propellers will be removed from all aircraft. When necessary, IP and student will provide thrust by flapping arms up and down.
HUMPTY-DIDDLE AIRPLANE SCHOOL-Daytona Beach Campus Page 1
Avioff Expands To Blind Readers
If you really really really like pies, or mathematics (hinthint: Pi), (or, ya know, really want and need some friends in a pinch when you can’t get them naturally like other people can), Felt-a-Pie is the place for you! For the low price of $50,000 a year, you can have anybody else in the organization on-call 24/7/365 for all the wants and needs you could ever have in the world. (Though, when everybody’s off partying, we can’t gurantee that they’ll be able to be on-call at that
time). Also, with all the awesome people you can call bros and hoes, you can do the most awesome activities ever when you’re skipping classes to do the party thing. These activities include, but are not limited to, jumping out of a perfectly good airplane, going near-deathly speeds over the water on a little jet between your legs, circle jerks, orgies, fogging, and the most awesome initiation ceremony things that some drunk and stoned people came up with at a god-forsaken hour that will be sure to nearly kill you. The best, most
important perk to the Felt-a Pie organization is, however, something that is rarely ever spoken about but will be told to you now comes in the name: if you have a pie fetish, you can feel all the pies you want whenever you want. For some, our organization is heaven - a haven for certain individuals. If that is something for you, if that especially is something that makes you all warm and fuzzy inside, come drop by. We’ll hook you up. Whenever you want, however you want. We are the answer to all of your troubles dude!
SGA Elections Cancelled, Hostile Takeover Imminent Mikolai Lenin Comrad Supreme Greetings, Comrades! This piece is to inform you that this year’s “SGA” elections are not taking place. This year’s candidates are so incompetent that I have taken emergency power control of the organization and am turning humpty-diddle airplane school’s “student government association” into Humpty-Diddle Airplane School’s “Student Communist Association.” The now-called SCA will have a structure similar to that of soviet Russia’s brilliantly amazingly successful form when it was in its height in the 60’s. This change is effective immediately. I, the supreme comrade, have supreme power over anything and everything SCA-related, including all branches and divisions of the
SCA. Henceforth, the avioff will be declared the greatest, first and foremost organization of the SCA. the other divisions will fall under their authority and juristiction. hopefully the newspaper will be benevolent to the campus radio station WSTD and Fondle-NFlee productions, but that’s their gig now. The Student Representative Board will be disbanded - as a communist organization, we obviously don’t need any representation or student voice to anybody for anything. Furthermore, the student court is also disbanded, and I will rule as the supreme judge, jury and executioner for all student court matters. The only part of the SCA that will retain semblances of the former “SGA” will be my close cabinet of advisors - as many as I see fit, appointed of course by myself
at my descretion and pleasure. the divisions will remain as they are, but with the modifications stated earlier and with myself also ruling supreme over them, as well as The Avioff. I have more space to fill if I want to make this look halfway decent, so i’m just gonna ramble a bit and fill space lazily because I’m your dictator now and can do stupid crap like that. so stuff it. I hope you’re not too terribly outraged by this surprising, sudden turn of events, because it’s kinda your loss and funeral - you’ll have to get over it, you purile ignoramus! Oh yeah, if I hear anybody saying or trying to do anything about this, you’ll join the mindless avioff producing minions. so be careful. With Love, ~Your New Dictator Mikolai Lenin
President Jimmy John Says ‘No’ to Rush Week. Permanently. Hairy Pringles Criticism Extraordinaire In light of recent national events which have cause strict scrutiny of University-related Greek clubs, the Fratorities of Humpty-Diddle Airplane school have banded together to save their way of life in the eyes of the HDAS administration. After a landmark announcement by HDAS President Jimmy John that Greek clubs would no longer be allowed on campus, Fratority members decided to take a stand for their rights. Last Sunday evening, the head of the Intrafratority club, Blake ‘Kegger’ Willard, arranged to meet with University president Jimmy John to discuss his motives for making the decision. Fondle-N-Flee productions and Wasted 102.5 sponsored the
event as part of the Sunday Night Slander comedy series. Jimmy John’s reasons were, in the eyes of the author, very good: “As a University at the forefront of professionalism in the Aerospace industry, we decided that the ‘Gentleman and Scholar’ motif was just completely invalid. I mean really, nobody believes that hogwash anyway…do you?” said Johnson, to the full hearted and boiling laughs of all in attendance. Despite incontrovertible evidence to the otherwise, the Greek organizations still insisted that the opinion wasn’t fair and was a generalization of Greeks everywhere. Willard went on to say to Johnson, “Bro, we have so many philantrophy events that we pretend to care about. Just because a few
bad eggs take the media spotlight doesn’t mean we’re all the same,” as he slicked his hair back with his special formula: pledge semen and a little bit of Natty Lite. “Just because we’re a brotherhood full of over-privileged fratboys doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings too,” added Willard. After 15 minutes of intense deliberation, Willard had lost his cool and realized that he was late for a party anyway. It’s quite clear to the author to make the conclusion that as soon as an effort of the Greek world no longer brings them pledge money, resume builders, or roadhead, they give up. Especially if the promise of booze and impressionable freshman girls waiting just on the other side of Trainland Highscool’s campus is on the line. The Greeks couldn’t wait
to jump at that chance. President John went on to explain to the now-boisterously laughing crowd the further reasons why he made the decision. “If I have to listen to one more group of sweaty pledges serenade a Bi-Smegma executive meeting with poorly tuned guitars I’m going to lose my lunch….it’s freaking lame.” The audience responded in a glorious applause of laughter and agreement. “There’s just no need for their quasi-secretive high school level malarkey on my campus anymore, I won’t have it.” The event was marked as a great success in terms of attendance and the audience raved that the event was by far the first time anyone had actually enjoyed a Fondle-N-Flee sponsored event.
University Administration Makes Logical Decision Dick Weekly Embezzlement Editor After listening to your opinions and complaints, Humpty-Diddle leaders have come up with a new UC design. This new UC is a clean slate design – as architects destroyed the documents pertaining to their initial drawings and have come up with the UC v2.0. The architects noticed all the hype when the Wes Perry pic began floating around the University. Following his stellar performance at the 2015 Super Bowl, Wes Perry has been a total “right shark” after coming into fame and fortune. He’s been calm, cool, collected, and made a charitable donation to The Avioff newspaper for brand new iMacs as a thank you to The Avioff for their phenomenal photojournalism. Taking this hype into consideration, the architects have decided to build a UC that Humpty-Diddle
deserves, with no implications of cost. The new UC is set for completion by February 2016, and will feature a maximum capacity of 3.14 million people. The new UC will be located in the center of campus, and feature an underground parking garage to accommodate the millions people coming to Humpty-Diddle. The new UC is a football stadium. Humpty-Diddle will host the 2016 Super Bowl, featuring Wes Perry as the half-time featured performer. In order to make this dream a reality, Humpty-Diddle will demolish the Library, sell all of its books, bean bag chairs, and toy planes (including the in-op, oversized glider) and demolish the UC, sell off the SGA and all sub-divisions to local colleges, and sue Hodexo for using horse laxative as the primary ingredient in all of their food and beverages. They will demolish the COAS and sell all of its fancy equip-
ment, demolish Lehman Building, and promise major aerospace companies aerospace engineers who will volunteer their time and talent to the company that donates the most money to Humpty-Diddle. The COB will be destroyed and the computer lab will be sold, as well as the COA and all of the planes with fully qualified pilots included with purchase of each aircraft. Finally, every other building on campus will be demolished except for the Welcome Center. Additionally, Humpty-Diddle will increase tuition ten-fold, and charge students for every step they take on University property, and excessively fine students for breathing without expressed, written permission from somebody in the Riddle-Run-Around. This new UC has received overwhelming support from all HDAS leadership, and it is the first logical choice Humpty-Diddle has made in a long time.
WES PERRY IN CONCERT FEB. 7, 2016 HDAS UC v2.0
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And this, children, is why you donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t design in Comic Sans... Hope you enjoyed it. --The Avioff.