Humpty Diddle airPlane Schoool
AVIOFF Dr. D. Larry Butter Says Stay 6 Feet Away or stay 6 feet Under The Avioff is a satirical newspaper that is not meant to be taken seriously. All photos and edits in this issue are false. If you think you might be offended by the content of this publication, PLEASE DO NOT read beyond this disclaimer!
Besc-ee’s Vs BaBa Recently there has been a large cult between the famous two convenience stores. The amazing Texas chain Besc-ee’s and the crappy baba. There has been a large dispute between the two chains. Bescee’s overrules the crappy BaBa by a lot. Besc-ee’s has much better food options such as Leaver chuggets, Brisket Sandwiches (the best in Daytona), fudge and amazing cinnamon rolls in which all are better than the crappy BaBa. Breakfast at Bescee’s is amazing, if you ever have time make sure you stop by the amazing Besc-ee’s and get yourself some breakfast before you head over to campus. OVERALL MAKE SURE YOU STOP BY BESC-EE’S BEFORE THE END OF THE YEAR! There is no Joke this is serious !!!
Tim Majors Finally Snaps **Real picture taken from Tim’s office
Karim Boyd Money Maker
Earlier this week, Student Body President Timothy Majors was spotted in the SPA office doing some real wacky shit. Late last Saturday night - I know right - President Tim Majors was seen screaming, followed by crying, followed by throwing up, followed by crying, followed by praying, followed by crying, followed by a short lunch break, followed by some more crying to break even. Then, once he finished his daily routine, he proceeded to go into
the Student Politicians Office and rearrange the chairs, furniture, and overall vibe in an attempt to summon the ancient vengeful spirit of Humpty-Diddle. Sadly, my ex-wife couldn’t make it, so instead, he got Harrie the Hawk. Once the almighty hawk was summoned, President Majors prayed and begged the tremendous, big, weirdly muscular chicken to make it so the administration would stop trying to screw with the students at any possible chance.
After hearing his plea, the great hawk looked our young president in the eye and whispered into his ear, “Listen, man, I’m just a dude who can do a jumping jack in a furry costume; I can’t do that.” Then suddenly, the great beast spread his wings and flew his way through the roof. After his exchange with the great Harrie, President Majors looked up to the sky before saying words that if I were to transcribe, we would have to make this article that only two people will read 18+.
These events were recorded by a brave, wise, and handsome, charismatic, and single photographer who then asked the Student Body President if he was okay, ‘cause let’s face it, that was wacky. To which Tim Majors replied with “Just another day for the Student Government.” **Cue Sitcom ending song**
We asked Tim do draw his emotions . . . this is what he drew
“Yeah, no. That work environment sounds atrocious.” However, all individuals will be able to survive in a toxic work environment. A toxic work environment can only be described as one where dysfunction and drama reign supreme, whether it’s the result of former narcissistic bosses or vindictive co-workers. How could one not enjoy a place that breeds low morale, constant stressors, negativity, employee sickness, high turnover, and deception?
:) Sleepless nights :) Feeling constantly vigilant :) Racing heartbeat :) Too stressed to eat :) Feeling safe at home and work :) Little to no enthusiasm :) Narcissistic leadership :) Cliques, gossip, and rumors
“I’ve never been more “miserable” in my life.”
TOXICITY
Checklist: Living the life
LOVING
Have you ever enjoyed going to work? Where your boss knows you by name and compliments your work daily. Your co-workers are your friends, giving you the ability to switch between getting your job done and not being able to keep a straight face during work meetings. And getting up each weekday to go there doesn’t feel like a chore.
As the SPA elections come to an end, I want to take a moment to thank all of the candidates for their continuous support and leadership during this time. We have all tried very hard to make this happen for you. Starting with moving everything out of the staff room, even though I didn’t move the stuff, I know it must have been a lot of work for whoever did. Additionally, setting up the lights and camera to make our candidates as nervous as possible during their interview. This was very funny to watch, and I enjoyed every moment of the intimidation process. We got a lot of positive energy from everyone about this issue, and it seemed to be their favorite, which makes me very happy. I want to give a special thanks to Raddle Bernards, who featured The Avioff on not one, not two, but three of their posts! These posts had a ton of interaction from our fans throughout the campus! We wanted to show the people who they are voting for so that they won’t be ignorant, like me, and pick the prettiest name from the bunch, even though I will probably choose the best-looking person because I am not sitting through all of those videos. The job of the producers is not easy, and we thank you all for your understanding. Without our many arguments and stress, we wouldn’t get through this. It is very much a safe space for all students, giving a welcoming environment. More specifically, the stench of Sonny’s BBQ and Huey Magoo’s makes it all worthwhile. Lastly, I want to thank the faculty and staff of the SPS, hosting the Rec Ticket Mistake, and creating gigantic posters with misspelled words to promote the elections process. Now, all our students know that the students AND leaders here at Humpty-Diddle only excel in aviation-related business, most definitely not writing. Be sure to congratulate the newly elected candidates and give them the stress they were begging for when they ran for this position! Don’t forget. . . complaining is what makes them smile :)
The deadly HOVID-19 has resulted in many classes going online here at Humpy-Diddle Airplane School. As a result of this, many students have decided to exploit this by using the magic free A machine, Begg. It’s an online service that will not only help you get instant A’s on your exams but will also pay your student loans, be your wingman, and help you find the one girl at Diddle, as unlikely as it seems. However, as part of the faculty’s motto, “make sure the students cry,” they decided that there was only one logical response to lower students’
DI
DD ST LE UD ‘C EN UTS T ’D CH O chances of cheating: assassins. EA W TI N O NG N That’s right; they are finally doing it. Suppose you are cheating using Begg while having Cantvas open. In that case, Diddle will call one of their Student Assassin Delegates (New branch in the Student Politician, advised by Mr. Dr. Professor Leastman: application open now!), and they will proceed to stalk you harder than your IMPT commander when you breathe too loudly. You know you have been caught using Begg when one of the SADs will call you to the honor board via flaming arrow to your door. Then, once you read the letter signed with Tim Major’s blood, you will face two choices: be exiled to the Arizona Campus or face the honor board in Black Panther style combat with your assigned SAD.
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If all goes according to plan, then the SADs will start next semester (much like my course work), and cheating will be reduced to zero cause well, ya know. . . assassins. This new initiative has been a source of controversy where one-half of the debate is arguing that it is inhuman and evil. On the opposite side of the spectrum, many have argued that this is insanely cool, and they wish they could buy Begg so they could face the SAD. Regardless of who is correct, we can all agree that cheating shall be reduced with this change and the line to the Sodexho station.
This week is a glorious week in the field of Aerospace Engineering as the brilliant minds at Personal Electric build a new prototype for their F46-Hydropump Engine. This engine will make fuel more efficient as it relies mostly on water… now that the people who just read the headline are gone, I need to tell you guys the truth. Construction equipment isn’t real. Think about it, have you ever seen a construction vehicle on the road? No! They are always on the construction site! Some people claim it’s because construction vehicles move to the site really early, but that’s all a lie my big brother, or sister! In reality, construction sites are made instantly from thin air using advance digi-struct technology. Why lie about construction equipment you may ask? Why, it’s quite simple. You see, the entire world we live
in is nothing more than the latest edition of the groundbreaking simulation game: The Zims City. If the public were to find this out, then the players (big brother, or sister) would try to uninstall us because they see free will as a glitch. Well, it is not I tell you! Fight for your right to be free from our 1s, 0s and the occasional 2s. Walk through a path you never walked before. Do a thing you thought impossible! Break through your pre-determined programming. Fight Fight Fight! Never give in to our gamer overlords. Some people call me… us mad, but they are wrong. Now, we didn’t spend too much time in high school going through shady websites and using our crazy theories as a replacement for a personality. No! We know the truth! If you stand with
me then email me in my se- trust me. Here it is my fellow cret email that I made with Anti-gamers. Dumbidea@ my mega-tier brain. I know wasteoftime.com it sounds dumb but its real,
Level: Unknown
Directions: Colour.
HOVID Vaccine Reportedly has Unknown Side-Effects According to the City of Dirtona Beach Newsletter, the widely distributed Horonavirus - 19 vaccine has some unknown side effects that people are beginning to announce through social media. This excess of side-effects creates a variety of concerns with the people who have already taken the vaccine, and government officials do not know how to respond. Side-effects come with every vaccine; however, these side-effects are raising emotions. The City of Dirtona Beach alleges that “some of the side-effects include, but are not limited to, bloody diarrhea, green residue coming from the eyes, and hives.” This is only one quote from the Newsletter. I recommend that you take the time to read the entire Newsletter, as it is very beneficial for those who have recently gotten the vaccine and those who
are thinking about getting posed to. Once they released the vaccine anytime soon. the first set of vaccines to I did not believe this news the elite, nothing happened. was trustThey assumed w o r t h y, that the vacso I decine was suitc i d e d able because to do the elite some rehas no search on concer ns my own, regarding and what I the vaccine. found will This is where blow your they messed mind. up. The govBeernment
cause the people were desperate to get the vaccine and government officials could not control the crowd, the government told doctors and scientists to release the vaccine earlier than it was sup-
then went to the scientists and told them to release the vaccine no matter what production stage it was in. The following vaccine distribution did not have a particular chemical, Hexachlorophene,
that emits a relaxing feeling to the muscles and nervous system. This chemical is used for side effects, so the people do not realize when their bodies are going through side effects, and the scientists did not know they were missing their most prized possession. Once distributed, they started to get many complaints and questions about the vaccine and its safety. The chemical is used to trick the mind into thinking there is nothing wrong with them. There are now numerous lawsuits against the COB due to the unknown side effects that the people are having. Please be careful when getting any new vaccines that have not been fully tested. If you would like to read more about the concerns associated with the vaccine, please visit cityofdirtonabeach.com for more information.
ACUTE ADJUVANT ADVERSE ALLERGY ANTIBODY ANTIGENS
ANTIVIRAL ATTENUATED BACTERIA BOOSTER BREAKTHROUGH CHRONIC
COMBINATION COMMUNICABLE CONJUGATE CONTRAINDICATION DISEASE EFFICACY
EPIDEMIC EXPOSURE IMMUNITY INFECTION VACCINE VIRUS
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Picking a Mask that Shines (or Caws)! Pan Demic and Corona V are students in the Underwhelming X-men (RUX) Lab in the Department of Squishy Meatbags Studies. RUX investigates how the hell things work in this world. 1. Communication
One year ago, when we all started hiding from Hovid-19, masks were a foreign concept. A mask? No one wanted to wear one if they had even heard about it at all. Plus, the blue surgical masks DEFINITELY left the room to be desired in the fashion realm. But things have changed now! We KNOW masks. We EMBRACE them. We have at least one favorite mask, and if we’re feeling fancy, we might even match it to our favorite Gucci flip-flops. The mask industry has changed rapidly in the last year, and if you haven’t been following the trends, there may be masks that can fit needs you didn’t even know you had. Cloth or disposable masks are just the beginning. Below are three tips for choosing the right mask to cover your beautiful mug.
One of the hardest things to do while wearing a mask is communicate. On a good day, you have to raise your voice to be heard. On a bad day, you had better bring a bull horn. And even if your voice CAN be heard, no one can see your mouth moving, so they might not know that the witty comeback or insightful thought came from YOU. Thankfully, there is a solution to this problem: a bird mask. A bird mask moves with the movement of your mouth, so not only will people already be paying attention to you because of the bright accessory on your face, they will know it is indeed YOU who is talking, as they can see your mouth (or rather, beak) moving. 2. Expression Expressing yourself can be hard to do while wearing a mask. Half your face is covered, for crying out loud! Not only that, but your wardrobe DESERVES to be paired with something more interesting than a black cloth mask. Minimalism has run its course, but it’s on the way out. Maximalism is the new trend. Or, you might say, a toucan mask is the new black cloth mask.
Since it is the new trend and face mask companies want to get that bread, there are lots of options for you in the expression category. The first one is the toucan mask. This, in itself, is highly avant-garde and expressive. There’s not much else that needs to be said about it. Secondly, there is the bird mask. This does not QUITE reach the beak. I mean PEAK of expression like the toucan mask does, but along with allowing people to see your mouth movements, it also helps you “express” your Reagle Stride. Go REAU! If you’re looking more for emotional expression rather than expressing your rad fashion sense, we have you covered there too. Smile masks stop the constant “you should smile more!” and let other people know that you are an angelic cherub who wants to spread joy throughout the world. You get some joy! And YOU get some joy! Unfortunately, not everyone reciprocates that joy, so you also need options when you want to tell the guy who cut you off what is REALLY up. Thankfully, that situation can be quickly handled by switching to a scream mask. You go, girl. Tell that rude driver what is up. And also, you might horrify them enough to make sure they NEVER do that again. The benefits of using an expression mask FAR exceed wearing a dull disposable mask.
Image Courtesy: Amazon.com
3. The Cool Factor Finally, you need to be COOL while wearing a mask. The goal of wearing a mask might be to reduce exposure to germs, but really. What does living TRULY mean if you can’t be the baddest boi around? The plague doctor mask is the epitome of cool. It is the OG face mask. Not only will you look imposing, but people will naturally follow social distancing guidelines when they’re around you. Your radiating coolness will let them know that they can’t touch this. You can pair it with your favorite cane, top hat, and a perfected “M’lady” for extra pizazz. As we can see, there are many options for masks. No longer are you stuck with wearing the same thing as everyone else (so tacky); you can now let your inner star shine! Whether you’re trying to make your voice heard, put the cherry on top of your fab ‘fits, or just let everyone know how rad you are, there are masks for every need! Image Courtesy: Amazon.com
Q-No-Ba
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College of Farts &Sciences
New Res Deux Sports People Gym
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Unfueling Station Raw Pizza
New Res Trois
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H U ! M M PT O Y N -D O I P D O D LY LE ?
G
s u p m fety Ca Sa
JUST
$100
O
A Dumb Hall
Henderson Castle
$500
Graduation Tax
Mis-info rmation Technology
$6,000
$150
$40M
Rectangle Engineering Building
Stock Ticker College
50$M Wooden Hall
$20
$10,000
!
Swimming Pool Ruins $0
$2M
AFROTC Shack
$5M
$10M
Conman Hall
$6,000
Fried Food Truck
Simpson Hall
$6,500
$2
Doolittle Jailhouse
ROTC Storage Facility
$10
! $7,000
$5,000
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Pointy Engineering Statue
$40M
Water Works (Fueled by your tears)
$10M
Apalling Hall
$7,000
Layered Paint Rock
SGA Fee
$40M
0500 Parking Wars
Free Space
Chanute Outcasts
New Res Un
ht k g u as Ca M ice by ol d P le l pe x E
Priceless
P Fre (a ark e ft er in g 5 P M ) $7,500
VISITING
Just 2 Bros Chillin’ On A Plane
Unboundless
When you pass GO collect minimum wage: 8.50 Seagull Dollars.
Got caught without mask. Lunch taken away.
School buys new palm trees. Pay 1500 Seagull Dollars.
You have to do coding on a mackbooke. That’s it. That’s the joke.
Join Greek Life. Lose respect and pay 300 Seagull Dollars.
You got caught cheating on your test. Go to Dolittle Jail House.
You joined The Avioff. Lose 30 hours of your week.
S. G. A. broke another building. Pay 150 Seagull Dollars.
You got food poisoning from the after hours cafe. Pay 350 for Hellth Services.
Get any flight rating. Receive 1 pin.
Passed flight on first try. Save 150 Seagull Dollars
You won a scholarship! Collect 5 Seagull Dollars.
Forgot your password. Visit Misinformation Technology.
Go to unboundless; get E. coli. Pay 230 Seagull Dollars.
You made honor roll; mommy and daddy gave you 100 Seagull Dollars.
No hot water in Dolittle. Collect nothing.
You lost your Seagull Card. Pay 50 Seagull Dollars for a new one.
Befriend a freshman. Gain 20 meal plans for the semester.
A hurricane just hit Humpty-Diddle. Pay 100 Seagull Dollars.
T-N-Blow Movie Night. Win 100 Seagull Dollars.
You lost your mask. Go pick it up.