Scaryoff Fall 2016 by The Avion

SpaceWhy Fails 1st-Stage Landing into Missile Silo

Dandy Germanname Cybernetic Enhancements Manager

Exactly 4 hours and 5 seconds before you read this, SpaceWhy (formerly named Musky Rocket Industries) launched their Hawk 8 from a missile silo in Nebraska’s None-such Military Base. Their mission was to send their second stage into orbit around the moon and bomb the Commie Nuclear-Facility on the dark side of the moon. As any 12-year-old with a diploma in Agricultural Studies can tell you, there are only three things on the dark side of the moon: Darth Vader, Pink Floyd, and the Commies. The second stage itself is in transit to the moon, but the mission-critical objective to bring the first stage back into the silo was what everyone had their eyes glued to the radio for. We all watched, listened, felt, tasted, and smelled when the first stage turned around after separation and boosted back towards Earth. And like any 48-year-old with no education at all can tell you, if it had

not boosted back, it would have fallen into the sun, exploded, and ended all life on Earth. The rocket was on its exact course into the silo, and everything was going well. Unfortunately for Musky Rocket Industries (now known as SpaceWhy), the Hawk 8’s iconic landing legs deployed into their characteristic rhombus-rectangular shape. As any 24-year-old with a degree in Organic Chemistry can tell you, it is near impossible to fit a square peg in a round hole. Which is exactly what the Hawk 8 attempted to do, just 3 hours and 15 minutes ago. As the rocket descended, legs deployed, it made contact with the sides of the missile silo. SpaceWhy reported that their rocket then entered sub-protocol “Personal Space Bubble,” and blew the fuck up. The resultant explosion has been classified and publicly stated as “no more than an explosion caused by a gas leak” by the Scaryoff’s favorite governmental body: Department of Institutionalized Classification and Keeping Secrets.

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Health and Wellness Partners with Construction for New Student Health Initiative Editor-in-Chief-Shmeditor-in-Chief Head Shirker Propoganda Manager Embezzlement Editor DPRK Pubic Relations Brochure Distributer

Cruella D’Evil 100 Dalmations CEO Heinrich Ubermanche Sriracha Bottlethief Charlie Winning The Other Dalmation

Endentured Servants On Top Bottom B**ch Middle Beach Secretly a Masochist Openly a Sadist Secretly a Porn Star Actually Hanna Dakota Comic Relief Henchman Future Feature Fanatic Plaigarism Enforcer

Much Sauce Final Fantasy Popcorn Chicken Rice Elk Blue Walls Hat Caucasian Bubbly Face Bannana Zamboni Drive Note Pizza French-Fry Raviolli Formuolli

NOTICE: All other information removed in favor of this strange image of a saucy badger wearing a kilt and an unbuttoned shirt. *Another tidbit of information that you might enjoy is that the name of the file that was downloaded is named “Scottish_Badger.jpg”

The Avioff is produced twice this year, this time on holloween. The Avioff is produced by a group of slaves that were shanghied from various places around the world, in secret farms that we’d have to kill you if we told you about. All these slaves are forced to run the paper, and if they do something wrong one is chosen to be killed at the end of the day - similar to being voted off the island. The thoughts and opinions expressed in The Avioff are not at all the opinion of the undersigned “writer(s)”, but are all totally those of Humpty-Diddle Airplane School, the Student Communistic Association and The Avioff, but not at all the student body. Letters appearing in The Avioff are not those of the writer, but are usually written by a minion told what to write by a slave master with a gun at the back of the minion’s head. Letters may not be submitted to The Avioff unless they are lewd, obscene or libelous, in which case they probably will be run - the more lewd, obscene and libelous it is, the more likely it is to be run. Letters will always be carefully censored for what the slave masters of the organization want them to be said. The Avioff is basically a slave organization which is heavily controlled and censored by the slave leaders who don’t want to ever be spoken about or seen or heard. The Avioff is a division of the Student Communistic Association of Humpty-Diddle Airplane School. The Avioff costs $100 Billion per issue, credited weekly to your student account, so you’d better pick it up and read every word of it a million times to get your money’s worth out of it! If you steal issues of the Avioff, you will be hunted down and forced into slavery in the organization, which will be a living hell until you die. Are you still reading this? If you are, props to you, you fool. You have no life. You need one. Get one, idiot! Seriously. Are you STILL reading? Stop right now. I hope you were able to get a laugh from it, dummy.

Humpty-Diddle Airplane School is proud to announce a new student health initiative, spearheaded by the Health and Wellness (H&W) Department. This initiative stresses the importance of physical exercise, which is a vital part of a healthy lifestyle. To increase student access to places where they can exercise, the H&W department created a walking trail that goes all throughout campus. The new trail has an urban theme, though it does feature some nature sections for visual variety. The H&W Department partnered with the Construction Department to create the walking trail, which was planned for the Fall 2015 semester. The construction of the path began during Winter Break since the path was meant to be a surprise to the Student body, a sort of arbitrary non-denominational winter celebra-

Hurricane Offers Pilots “Ultimate Crosswind Experience”

Donkeys and Asses

Cruella D’Evil Editor-in-Chief-Shmeditor-in-Chief

tion day present. The path creators suggest that the new path be used for walking primarily, due to the small size of the pavement in some parts of the trail. Longboarding and biking are discouraged but not outlawed, since the injuries that will inevitably be produced by the mixture of the modes of personal transport will give the H&W Department something to do beyond patting over-stressed students on the back and telling them to “walk it off.” The new walking trail is over a mile and a half in length, and cuts through many of the scenic parking lots of the campus, including the Yellow Lot in front of Schmoolittle, the Green Lot behind McKey and Artemis Hall, and the mixed color lot between Schmoolittle and the Ye Olde Student Villa. An added bonus to the urban theme of the trail are the increased

opportunities for inventive cardio workouts. One of the suggested workouts is a 30-yard dash across Prichard Retty Blvd at the crosswalk. For added cardio benefit, start the sprint when the red hand in the traffic signal starts counting down. Another fun cardio workout is dodging the many cars that are common obstacles on the trail. They are especially common during the road crossings and the parking lot treks and add an element of excitement and adrenaline. Administrators reason that since Humpty-Diddle students get addicted to things like coffee, video games, and the sweet, sweet taste of Mexican Black Tar Heroin so easily, it stands to reason that they could get addicted to the thrill of dodging the various vehicles on the trail. This addiction to exercise would be beneficial to the

CEO Heinrich Ubermanche Propaganda Manager

Humpty-Diddle Airplane School in the state of Flo-Rida was hit recently by a hurricane sponsored by their direct competitor: Mathematics University of Maths. This storm dubbed “Math-U” led to Diddle experiencing winds up to 500knts (The pilots literally tied knots in 5280ft worth of rope to measure the wind speed. We lost a few pilots, but that’s ok.) This was seen as a challenge by the best team of

pilots Humpty-Diddle has to offer, Bottom Pistol. Bottom Pistol is a squad that specializes in extreme displays of flight skills such as actually following ATC instructions in the pattern. One of these pilots, who goes by the name of “Mallard” talked about how the winds provided his team the “ultimate crosswind experience”. He also said “After seeing an A380 blown three miles off the runway I knew I’d be in for a real chal-

lenge”. However, he claims to be prepared for this challenge by saying “after watching multiple crosswind landing videos on the internet and playing X-Plane for the iPhone I feel more prepared than ever”. Unfortunately, Mallard’s attempt was cut short when his plane became imaginary after MathU’s winds started converging towards the square root of negative one. After Mallard’s plane vanished into imagination, the elite investigative unit by the name of SFU or Special Flight Unit,

students, the administrators posit. When some students raised concerns about their physically disabled counterparts, the Humpty-Diddle personnel in charge of the creation of the path said that they had taken these individuals into account during the planning. In the spirit of equal treatment of all, no special measures were taken to give the physically handicapped any advantage over their peers To make sure that all students get to reap the benefits of the new path, the Construction crews have destroyed all other means of accessing the more remote parts of campus, like the Ye Olde Student Villa and Eisenstein’s. There is no comment from any administrator about if or when these former paths will be restored.

Racetona Floodway division, was called in to investigate. They came to the conclusion that flying in a hurricane is actually extremely dangerous, especially when its one that forces you to solve differential equations. After being rescued by the SFU, Mallard stated he was unfazed by this attempt’s failure and hopes to attempt another extreme crosswind landing when the sequel hurricane Math-U 2 “the Reckoning” rolls into Flo-Ridian theaters next fall.

MONTH

Day Yearth

Study A Broad

Day 1 I land in the unknown country of Spartaland. It is my first ever trip far away from home by myself, and I am scared. People I know are with me on this flight, but I am not so sure whether I will become good friends with them or not. The airport is very large, and I hope I will not get lost. Thankfully, I did not. The person we were supposed to meet outside the airport was not there. We had to wait for him to show up. He did not seem right, so we asked what was wrong. He suddenly lashed out at me, and we had to fight him to keep me from getting injured. I hope he has not been consumed by some deadly virus. The other people around us in the airport fled the area, leaving only us in the terminal. Something has gone terribly wrong. The plane carrying the other people who were supposed to arrive right after we did was diverted to another airport. SWAT teams were streaming into the airport and took us to safety. We told them the address of our hotel, and they proceeded to use one of their armored vehicles to take us there. Our hotel was packed with guests. It was not just us; others had come apparently on evacuation. We were only staying here for a night, so we just settled down and tried to find ourselves a nice place to eat. The restaurant was empty, and even the owner said this is not normal. That evening, the hotel was eerily quiet. Not a soul stirred, and it was only 21:00 hours.

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Day 2 We were supposed to take a tour of the Parthapolis today, but I and two others were separated from the rest of the group. All the tourists there were unaware of what had happened the day before at the airport. I am hoping that the outbreak is safely contained by police. As a result of our separation, I was unable to locate the rest of those who made it with me. We had no way of contacting each other, so I had no choice but to roam around until I saw them. A beautiful woman I ran into called me out, and said she knew where my friends were. She took me to them. Sure enough, my friends were there, but they did not seem to notice I was lost. Only this girl noticed I was lost, so I asked her to stay with me. She said she would, and she ditched whatever she was carrying and focused her attention solely on me. The others thought I had found a girlfriend, which was partly true. As I got to know this girl, she seemed to share a good number of similarities with me. We were supposed to sail out of the city’s main marina this evening, but the news broke that the containment was unsuccessful, and the virus is spreading through the city. The girl who was with me had no extra clothes, so she and I took a detour to her place so she can pack while everyone else got supplies for the trip. The girl said that she would have enough provisions for both of us, and told me not to worry. With her supplies packed in one large suitcase and a small bag, we hurried to the marina where we saw the rest of those who made it. The tour leaders took our large suitcases with them to their headquarters, but they had to hurry since the outbreak is spreading quickly. They gave us time to sort out everything, but soon it was too late. The outbreak had breached the city’s containment barrier and is entering the city. We have to leave, now.

Day 3 We are safely on the water. The government had shut down all ferry services to the islands. However, some of the infected had managed to get on their sailboats or yachts and escape containment. The young girl and I feared for our lives, and so did everyone else on board. Due to the diverted flights, we only had one boat on the water as opposed to four. We tried to make for our first island destination, but we soon discovered the pristine scenery marred with blood. It seems like the Humpty-Diddle Airplane School folks who put this together were unaware that this would happen. I fear that I will soon be living out a real-life zombie apocalypse. So much for Fondle-N-Flee’s game nights. This is the real deal.

Day 4 With no way of acquiring weapons, and with most of us untrained in melee combat, we are essentially dead in the water. The destinations we visited were untouched, but there is no telling how bad it is going to get. I had my first class on the trip, and the girl wanted to sit with me for the class. Once it was over, we wandered around the town and made sure we met the time deadlines of when we needed to be back. By now I am starting to like this girl, and she is saying the same about me. I wonder how far our support level will climb before this is all over. I asked her to promise that she would never leave my side during this crisis, and she asked me to do the same. For the remainder of the day, we would always be seen together.

Day 5 We sailed to the next island, but the epidemic caught up to us. The port town we docked in was stained red, and anyone who was still clean was defending the city with their weapons. My girl and I grabbed weapons from a supplier and jumped into the fray. We stuck together as we moved with the locals into the town. It seemed that we were the only ones left in the town that night. For safety, we decided to moor offshore.

Day 6 The supplier gave us enough weapons and ammunition to last the remainder of our time here. I am hoping that we will be able to make it through the day without being attacked. That dream never came true. My girl and I were attacked that afternoon. We were both so scared, and I had to call the tour director that we were going to stay in the village we are at until further notice. It was a long night...

Day 7 We managed to escape the next morning, but the tour director soon had us stranded. We were in this small village port that had been surrounded by the infected. We feared for our lives, and as I saw the horde of the infected rushing the marina, I hung on to my sweet girl as our boat was attacked. I thin

The above journal entries were recovered from the ruins of Spartaland. They were written by HDAS student Rocky Flinstone while on a study a broad tour. They are presented in their original, unaltered form. Investigators believe the sketches are of the unnamed “young girl” whose remains were never found.

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MONTH

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CLOWN TAKEOVER

Aid Vends Drew Person

This year for Halloween we are going to have a huge clown issue. We are not talking about the annoying ones who sit at the street corner looking like your creepy uncle. You know, that one family

member who just kind of stands there all creepy and awkward looking at every family event. Your family still invites him because they feel bad for him. Yeah, not talking about those clowns, we are talking about the ones from Suicide Squid. The famous Poker played

by Jared Letoff and how can anyone forget the lovely Barley Quin played by Margoff Robbie. It has been said by multiple sources that every Halloween shop is sold out of Barley Quin and Poker costumes on day one of opening. Not only that, but

every makeup store is sold-out of makeup as well. You probably have a better chance of finding water during Hurricane Mathias at a Bublix or Walfart then finding one of those costumes. With the sold out costumes, we can expect to see some awful knock

off costumes for these two clowns during Halloween this year. This means for about every one decent outfit for the Poker and Barley you can expect up to ten, if not more, bad ones this year. I say good luck everyone and prepare for clown-mageddon. Just font

go to Bublix or Walfart: they are most likely sold out.

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Diddle-Vision: The Female Perspective Nina Outaten Romance Advisor ;) Everyone knows that girls are rated on a scale from 1-10 of attractiveness, obviously with 1 being the lowest value, reserved for the worst looking of those with a double X-chromosome, and 10 being the highest value, issued to those who are the embodiment of perfection. However, at the Humpty-Diddle Airplane School, the boys will tell you that only the top half of the scale, 5-10’s are admitted. This is on account of the total population being only 20% of the fairer sex. With so little female students on campus, everyone

automatically is given a 5-point bump on the scale; a phenomenon commonly referred to as “Diddle-vision.” Now from a girl’s perspective, you would think that they would all be grateful for their extra 5 points. After all, being raised from a barely-looked-at 4 to a gorgeous 9 is something a girl should absolutely love, right? The answer is yes, from any girl who is rated below a six on the actual scale, that is. Finding themselves suddenly lavished with attention from the male population is quite a pleasant surprise for them, something that they learn to adore about Diddle, and its male dominated campus. Those girls normally rated in the 6-10 range,

however, have quite a different experience. You see, Diddle is full of engineering students who are required to take all sorts of math, and, therefore, that know a girl who appears to be an 11 on a scale of 10 cannot exist. These girls all receive a massive culture shock when they arrive. A solid 7, who is used to being approached by interested guys, suddenly finds herself being avoided like a disease. The logical males that dominate the population of Diddle do not know what to do when they see these girls, the ones who appear to be more than perfection. When they see one headed in their direc-

tion, the only logical path they can see is to either flee or keep their eyes low and hope that the mysterious creature doesn’t offer up a “Hello.” They cannot be blamed, of course. In their minds, the girls have broken the scale, have managed to achieve something that ascends the perfect image of attractive, something that cannot be done by definition. The scale ends at 10, and the girls that are ranked higher than that thanks to Diddle-vision are viewed as a threat to the male population. They are math-minded, and they know that something that breaks the scale is something that cannot be true or trusted.

For these girls, Diddle-vision is akin to a death sentence. It means that they will find themselves, for the first time in their lives, avoided by the opposite sex. All the while, watching their less-attractive friends being fought over by the masses. This can cause girls to feel as if attending college has somehow had an adverse effect on their looks. They begin to think that they need to improve themselves, but the truth is that the extra time at the gym raises their original score and can make the effects of Diddlevision even worse. It is important for these girls to remember that the rejection

is not their fault, it is due to the increase in their status due to Diddle-vision. If you are a female student who came to campus with a ranking of a 6 or higher, and you are feeling terrible or lonely due to a lack of guys who can make eye-contact, do not worry, there is a cure. Go off-campus, and spend some time in an environment where the population is split more evenly by sex. Diddle-vision does not follow you throughout your life, just because you confound guys on campus does not mean you are not still an 8.

too much sauce too much sauce

Here Comes

dat boi

Dept. of Memetics

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2016 So Far, Supported by Spongeboob Memes Drew P. Caulk Reality Injector While Humpty-Diddle Airplane School is undoubtedly a quintessential sleepy American town, the world moved at a terrifyingly rapid pace through 2016, and most would agree that 2016 was the equivalent of getting your hair cut using a chain saw, topped off by the compelling fact that Halloween occurs on a Monday this year (Disclosure: I really, really, haåte Halloween…but still). But what were the big stories of 2016 so far on the internet? The answers are a creamy recipe called loss of faith in humanity. Let’s begin. What better place to start than the election straight from Davy Jones’ locker? On the right side, we have many contenders, but the race came down to ‘lil Marco, the Zodiac Killer, and Donald Drumpf, with The Donald winning above all, much to the world’s horror. In the months since and in the

days leading into this consequential election, America will continue to be wondered and fascinated by the dark and mysterious past that we unearth from this man each and every single day. (I heard he’s funding the Chum Bucket to try and put Krabs out of business). On the left side, America was progressively pleasured by the emergence

of our only and final chance of hope, Grandpa Sernie Banders. He preached purity and politically activated

is the equivalent of being excited about the new Samsung washing machine. Sure you can pretreat your clothes, but in the end, it is the exact same process you have been putting up with for decades. With just over three weeks to go, America’s custody battle continues between an angry mom and dad, where all we really want to do is go home to well-intentioned old Grandpa Banders. But let us talk

millions of young people, the group I like to refer to as the Spongeboob Generation. But his story ends where his opponent’s begins, good ‘ole Hilldawg Clintown. Using her incredible strength of “corrupt it ‘till you make it,” Hilldawg took control of the DNC and won herself the nomination in the most devious way possible – by securing a higher number of votes in an open democracy. Being excited about Hilldawg as a candidate

about an issue that is going to define our generation. On May 28, 2016, the world lost a powerful icon. Harumble, a gorilla who was so much more, was taken away from us too young by careless management in the face of a crisis. He will forever live on in our memes, and us here at Humpty-Diddle remember him fondly. We will never forget. (Journalistic integrity prevents me from talking about the full details of the Harumble

meme). #DOFH Meanwhile in North Carolina, which bathroom you pick is important for some reason. Spongeboob’s episode “Rock Bottom” predicted this 2016 trend perfectly as conservatives once again went crazy for absolutely no reason using absolutely no factual evidence. My only question is this: Which bathroom can Karen use? #RobotRights #PC And to conclude, a timely issue. Clowns. I did not think our world could come to this, but hey, when we have the Presidential candidates we have I guess anything is possible. On

that note – does anybody else here at Humpty-Diddle want the Concorde to come back? I sure as heck do. Anyways… clowns are scary. I’m pretty sure that everybody hated clowns to begin with, and some extremist sect of clowns decided to reinforce that idea onto the general public. Clowns are appearing in cities throughout the US in attempts to scare people publicly, and I am sick of it. I already hate Halloween, and I do not need more reasons to hate it. So can we all just go through this without any problems so that we get to Christmas faster and I can mail my wish in a bottle to good ole Santy Claus? Thanks.

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#blankspace baby Write your name: _____________ too much sauce