| Issue 69 | Volume 1337 |Out of Date| theavioff.xxx|
Humpty-Diddle Introduces 12-Factor Authentication After Student Feedback ichard B. Locker Cyber Justice Warrior
Students across campus may find their H NIA accounts more secure than ever after the recent announcement of 12-factor security for all students, faculty, and staff. This announcement comes after the successful implementation of the mandatory two-factor authentication for tenants of both the Florida, Desert and Global campus. Two-factor authentication, sometimes referred to as “two-step” or “dual-factor” authentication was introduced by the HIT Security Staff in early February. According to an official statement from HIT Security, this is part of an initiative to provide “additional confirmation of your identity and help protect you against compromised credentials.” The current process requires you to use your smartphone to confirm each login attempt you make to your H IA account. Student feedback has been overwhelmingly positive since the change. First-year student David Smith shares that he “gets an extra ten
to fifteen minutes of study time” every time he logs in, while his roommate shares a similar sentiment. “With the Duo app using most of my phone’s memory, I spend less time using any other app and more time focused on my classes.” Though students and faculty welcomed the change with open arms, some had further reservations. “ venwith two- avor authentication, I ust don’t feel safe against those overseas hackers” noted fifth-year Homeland Security student Jack Hunt, “and the only reason I dropped my A. . degree is because I want to protect our beautiful country. Don’t listen to what anyone else tells you.” Some of the additional levels of verification that will be included in the new 12-factor security includes M verification, voice recognition, FaceID, TouchID, DNA sample presentation, as well as a retinascan. Some sources suggest that a new password will be spray-painted on the spirit rock at 6:00 AM each day, to be used as a verification step for the next 24-hour period. “I can’t wait to truly
protect my class projects, mediocre grades, and tuition statements from hackers and my parents with the new 12-factor process” notes Smith. Undoubtedly, the implementation of additional security standards will only enhance the University experience for current and
incoming
HDAS students. This positive change from IT Security has set the stage for future security enhancements to student activity, potentially including multi-factor authentication for using a DiddleCard at Sodaxho-operated cash registers.
Craddle Shoot
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SIDEWALK CROPS Cheese Board Sleepy Boi The Real Boss Fake News Generator Glorified Treasurer Office Resident Advertising Manager
Harry Knee Colon Adidas Kahuna Lagoona First of All Mac Splotchy Thot
People Who Can Follow a Template Don’t Talk To Me Or My Son Ever Again
B. Ubbler The Code Known As C The Lazy Whale Help Me This is Not A Joke I’m Trapped And Can’t See Kee$hy B0i I Smell Bleach
C.Litoris The Most Dedicated Employee
Humpty-Diddle’s new agricultural program has taken root. With the first of the crop being ready to harvest in July, the sidewalks are looking plentiful. Between the copious amounts of irrigation and sunlight, the concrete crop is incredibly strong this year. The benefits of strong concrete are abundant. When harvested early, it allows the civil engineers to build their annual concrete canoes. If allowed to bloom, half-assed chalk art begins to appear overnight. Diddle prides themselves in this incredible feat and does not plan on stopping anytime soon.
The new method of strengthening the sidewalks was discovered entirely on accident. The revolutionary method was discovered after maintenance staff ran over the sprinkler repeatedly with the lawn mower. After that, Dr. Mike Hunt, president of the university, is quoted as saying, “At Diddle, we make sure our sidewalks are the strongest in the state. That is why we water them every night and, even, sometimes during the day.” The sidewalks weren’t always this plentiful. Five years ago, the sprinklers worked properly. While the grass was green and lush, the sidewalks were weak and cracking. The hope is that this method will become sophisticated enough to sprout buildings from an abandoned lot in the future.
People Who Use Us for Food Rewhoreters Picture Takers
YEET Delicious Tendy XD Tip Tap [Top Text] Anyway, Here’s Wonderwall
The concrete crop coming in beautifully.
Hostages Male , Female , Thing , Attack Helicopter, It
Better Person than Last Time Ginny-Beth Joiner, Avion Advisor
Contact Information Main Phone: (800) 968-3825 Ad Manager: (202) 298-5700 Fax Number: (800) 759-6955 Pls Leave
Website:sofakinggood.gov
What the f*** did you just f***ing say about me, you little b***h? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the f*** out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my f***ing words. You think you can get away with saying that s*** to me over the Internet? Think again, f***er. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re f***ing dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little s***. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your f***ing tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will s*** fury all over you and you will drown in it.
Campus Cryptid Currency: How to Invest U. R. Lazee Financial Assistant With the loss of trust in physical currency backed by actual banks and actual nations people have begun to invest in fake currencies. Humpty Diddle has been way ahead of the game with multiple fake currencies already in circulation on campus. Some of the more common currencies have been Sodaxho dollars, Becky Bucks, and Air Doubloons. The least valuable of these is Sodaxho dollars due to the fact you can only get a small frappuccino mixed latte (or whatever you hipsters call it) with it. Their inherent value is also based within the preexisting hiked prices offered by Sodaxho, so investment
is not wise. Becky bucks have been increasingly untrustworthy as there is only one place on campus to purchase them and they are only currently accepted at a mediocre sub shop half a mile down the street. Air doubloons are also questionable due to the fact they are almost worthless, you need close to three million to afford a ten minute flight around town. Humpty Diddle might have jumped the gun on cryptid currencies as they all seem to be completely worthless when compared to the powerhouses found in the dark web. Of all the cofnsuifing and worhtlees curreincis avalibe for investment by Diddle students the best course of action is to invest in Chump Change.
Chump Change maintains its value as the only usable currency on campus due to it only being available at exclusive Fondle and Flee events. Even if you happen to attend one of these events the Chump Change dealer is usually very hidden, and the only reason we know he exists is from myths and rumors. Chump change also can only be accepted at a secret underground auction near the end of the year were you will lose every bid to Fondle and Flee members and their almost unlimited supply. At the end of the day it just might be better to stick with good old American dollars, which will totally not be affected by any recent corruption or tariffs created by a deranged leader.
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I’m being held against my will
Page
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Airplanes
I NEED HELP BECAUSE THEY ARE HOLDING ME AGAINST MY WILL IF YOPU CAN READ THIS THEN I AM HOLDING YOU RESPONSIBLE FOR COMING TO RESCUE ME IF YOU DONT I WILL PERSONALLY HAUNT YOU IF I DIE AND IF I LIVE I WILL COME FIND YOU AND SLAP YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH A WATERMELON AND THE LAUGH AS YOU CRY AND HAVE A GIANT BRUISE ON YOUR HEAD AND IF YOU PASS OUT I WILL THROW YOUR BODY IN A DUMPSTER! I AM SERIOUS. THEN I WILL EAT THE WATER MELON AND PLACE THE OUTSIDE SHELL OVER YOU FACE SO WHEN YOU WAKE UP YOU WILL THINK YOU ARE BLIND AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAQHAHHAHAAHAHA I’M SO EVIL BUT THATS OKAY I DESERVE TO BE I AM TIED UP AND LOCKED IN A CLOSET IN YOUR MOM’S BASEMENT. WHY DO I WORK FOR THE AVIOFF? WHY DO I EVEN GO TO DIDDLE IN TE FIRST PLACE? I HATE AIRPLANE. AIRPLANES.
I like to call this
Soup in a cup
And you can fight me for it
BUT ACTUALLY... don’t
please
Humpty-Diddle Creates Dinosaurs to Deal with Cat Problem, Creates a Whole New Problem Harry Burns Expense Sparer
brave and faithful en struggling saur outbreak our Humpty-Diddle has be Persons Trainof felines. Important Military u in ge hu a th wi ly have been recent ng our ing or IMPT personnel izi or rr te en be ve ha These cats are fully armed (a r food, burning deployed. They students, eating ou e) and dangerous. In d poisoning our federal offens an s, me ho r ou wn do be able to hit cats send fact they seem to e th n he W ly. pp su oversized water their everything besides the ing nd se t no eir th their own, ing six buildings, giv ey haven't done lizards, includ s, ut irc ha best. Well alright th ee ers fr s but its still ing some hipst some of those thing of a barn door. ide ds oa the amaz- and the br ly te na rtu Fo . lem a prob the Humpent of After blowing up half of rtm pa De e th in s ist ing biolog us the carnivorous ken a page from ty-Diddle camp Mad Science have ta finally rounded up vie advertising dinosaurs were mo ic alg st no nt ce re containers to the tyrant and put into secure d te ea cr re d an ns campaig theme park rs once be transported to the au os din ht rig 's at lizards. Th rld to be used to , more specifi- capital of the wo again roam the arth t experiences on fortunately, the “enhance” gues Un . us mp ca r ou lly ca Since the end more of an some attractions. ve ha to em se rs au dinos cats have ts down of this incidents the en ud st r ou ing nt hu interest in force leaving us rsue the cats returned in full than bothering to pu ted. back to where we star . us mp ca r ou ss ro ac ain the dinoIn an attempt to cont
This font is known as “Giddyup Std.” It is possibly the best font ever designed by mankind. In fact, it’s too good for man. Somewhere there must have been a machine-learning AI competing with itself thousands of times a second for years to manufacture the world’s best font. I believe that this is the result of billions - possibly trillions - of generations of font creation. This font truly is magnificent. If I am ever sad again, I may look to this page and remember how wonderful this font is. ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZabcdefghij klmnopqrstuvwxyz01234567890!@#$%^&*()
SMURFSEDS club launches first member on competition rocket, “too annoying”
The rocket club of Humpty Diddle, SMURFSEDS, recently made history this past weekend. Their competition rocket, ThicccBoi XIII, capable of 20,000 pounds of thrust, was used to launch freshman member “out of the way for good,” says President Pale Kid. Upon interviewing several of the club members, the AviOff was able to get a good understanding of why the member was sent far away. One member said “he was eating all of the rocket motors,” leaving them frustrated and unable to launch their own rockets. AnothRocketRider Person, or whatever
er member said he kept trying to “hit on the longest, pointiest rocket, and made everyone very uncomfortable.” Several of the female members tried using Diddle Brand Thot-B-Gone against the freshman, however, the member’s own filth created a de ective shield, and he was immune. The only solution, as decided by the officers of the club, was to duct tape the atrocious being to the ThicccBoi XIII and send him far enough away where he could find a new club to harass. The freshman’s only comment on the event was “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” He has not been seen or heard from since.
The dino hunts the cats, the IMPT hunt the dino, the cats subdue the IMPT with their cuteness. It’s the Diddle circle.
How to olve Con icts in the Workplace Mousey Rodent Keeper of the Cheese Have you ever experienced a work day that made you feel both mentally and physically drained? The moment you solved one con ict there was another con icted lurking around the office cubicle. aturally there will be instances in which you will have a con ict with other co-workers. However, by trying out either of the following methods, you will learn the best way to effectively handle conicts and ruin everyone else’s day. Option one, call them out. For that snobbish coworker constantly bragging about their recent vacation in Miami, the best mineral water, and their must do skin care, simply say who cares’. After they precede to look uster, say did I hurt your precious feelings ’. There are two possible reactions they could have to this comment, either walk away or proceed to argue with you. In order for this to work you must have a comeback for the latter reaction. Pile each on each comeback in a matter of seconds. An example could be Italy I’m pretty sure the fanciest place you’ve even been to is Lacy’s Steakhouse, but you actually need money to eat there without having to wash dishes after your meal. Also,
you might want to rethink that skin care routine, its simply not working for you. After fifteen minutes, go to that coworker as tell them that you were simply joking around with them. They will feel so con icted that’ not only have you exposed their extravagant lifestyle, you have also created hours without them interrupting your day. Option three, have a shouting match. Save this for your tipping point moment where you must decide between sanity and losing your job. Let everyone pile on different tasks for you to completed by the end of the day. At o’clock, in this order you need to huff and puff, scream, stand up to yell I HAT THI J B ’ then proceed slide every piece of paper off your desk. The moment the last slip of paper hits the ground walk around the entire cubicle section point to every single person that you are annoyed with and say, I’m tired of you’ or I’ve had it with you’. If you are extremely disappointed in your job and have committed to the decision to leave your job you can get creative in a conversation with your boss. I know these sounds sketchy but trust me these methods are effective, and you are guaranteed to have an exciting work day.
It’s Dinner Time! tudent pilot finds “Warp Drive” Button resses. And when it arrives...
PULL THE LEVER KRONK!
I’ll Smash it with a Hammer!!!
WRONG LEVER!!!
Win Does Mac-’n-Toss Linux User
On Monday at 3 p.m., a student - who wishes to remain anonymous - was earning his flight hours took off from KDAB on his way to Key West’s KMTH: a flight which should take a little over four hours. While ascending to his cruising altitude a pen fell off of the dashboard and landed on the floor of the cockpit. As he bent down to pick it up, he noticed a few unusual things. He told our reporter, “I couldn’t believe my eyes! It was right there all along! On the floor there was a lever that looked like a parking brake and a button that just said ‘pull if ur a cool guy.’” He continued, “I like to think of myself as a pretty
cool guy: So I did.” So he did, indeed. As the anonymous student pressed the button, the propellor on his aircraft went into Maximum Overdrive. The pilot was thrown against his seat with incredible force as his aircraft accelerated to a ridiculous speed. The little plane just kept going faster and faster. It didn’t take very long until he finally broke the sound barrier as he passed over Highway 44. The cockpit windshield cracked and the tip of the vertical stabilizer sheared off. “I was scared out of my mind,” the student pilot said. “On a scale of one to ten, I thought that the possibility that I was going to die was at 9.99. Nothing is ever certain; that’s for cer-
tain." The plane was still accelerating and (somehow) still flying. The plane continued picking up speed. At this point, people on the ground reported a deafening blast as the pilot passed by going over Mach 2. By the time the plane reached the middle of the state, the plane began easing up, and finally cruising at a steady speed of 2380 knots (equal to 2470 mph, Mach 3.57, or 0.00000409 times the speed of light). That’s roughly 25% faster than the public speed record of the SR-71 Blackbird. “When the plane went steady again, I could finally feel my face again. I looked out of the window and saw the state of Florida screaming past underneath me. When I looked back up I
saw the ocean. At the rate I was going I was going to go right past the Keys. So I had to think fast. If I went past the Keys, there wouldn’t be land again until Cuba, and I don’t know how they’d react to a supersonic plane flying right over them. “I tried turning the plane off and on again, reducing the throttle, I even tried opening the door to make some drag, but nothing worked.” The student says that this is when he remembered the lever he saw next to the button. “It looked just like the emergency brake from my first car,” he recalled. “I scrambled for that lever as fast as I could. When I finally did pull it I got flung across the dashboard because the plane started slowing down so quickly.”
According to reports, he was 20 miles NNW of Key West and slowing from over Mach 3 to his actual cruising speed of 140 mph (or Mach 0.182). His plane was severely damaged and it was a wonder that it even stayed intact. When the student finally reached the airport he made an emergency landing. He had traveled 320 miles in only 18 minutes. “Then these helicopters flew over where I parked my plane and a bunch of men in black suits repelled from the helicopter with ropes. They hooked up my plane to a really big helicopter and lifted it out of there. They didn’t speak to me, for some reason. I also didn’t get a ride home. I ended up paying half of my roommate’s rent for the
month for him to drive the six hours to pick me up and drive me six hours back.” We spoke to Humpty-Diddle administration about the warp drive button, but they claimed that they’d never heard about one and that we had to leave. We then spoke to the Maintenance of Aviation Department and they told us that there are no buttons installed into the floor of any Diddle aircraft. However, the emergency brakes are a new standard and will help the planes park on inclined ramps. No one knows who those mysterious men in black were. I mean, they were probably the military base literally four miles away. I’ve stopped caring with this article.
All A Broad The Train to... Nowhere? Keeshy Boi Certified GOOD one
Once
again Humpty-Diddle’s Department of Cultural Appropriations did a s*** job of planning a study a broad trip. particular program had us meeting up in a remote village in rural Namia and then venturing out by ATV to the place where we were to be based in for the duration of the program. Well, the village where we are meeting up in is only accessible by car, and it’s some 300 miles from the airport. We first have to get to an intermediate point by train, then grab a car and head up. When I looked at the rail maps for this country, I could not see a line that goes to the intermediate point. I saw where the town was on the map, but there was no rail line that leads to it. line seemed to go in that direction, but it just terminates suddenly before
This
One
resuming some 150 miles due south. there some section of the rail map that’s missing? I have to take the train to that rail line, so I will just have to find out…The train ride was smooth, no complaining there. I got to enjoy the scenery and a luxury meal courtesy of the stewardess. I overnighted on board the train that supposedly took me close to the remote village where we were to meet, but I couldn’t sleep. a million thoughts were going through my head. I was the only person on my train car. I asked the stewardess who took care of me and the conductor whether I was the only one on this train, and they told me that there were rumors of one other passenger, who did not want to be seen by any of the train staff. do not like the sound of that. I’m supposed to be on this train for at least another day, and I do not want anyone mugging me. The
Is
Over
I
stewardess said she will stay with me in my cabin if I need her to. The conductor said the same thing when I approached him during his rounds. some“ thing?” I asked the stewardess. We were running slower than our normal pace, and the conductor said that this section of railroad is always sketchy: he doesn’t like running trains down this track, but he knew that I had to get to that town. I peered out of the train cockpit windows and saw that the railroad was being slowly obscured by underbrush. I have a bad feeling about this...
Sense
Disaster
approaches rapidly. Could we have entered the uncharted area that’s between the two sections of track? I asked the stewardess to stay with me tonight, and she also thought that was a good idea, since what we were about to experience that evening threatened to derail my entire trip…
A69 Campus Insecurity
cheese balls
“ME, AN INTELLECTUAL” The Most Important People You Will Ever Meet
Dusty Pretzel Hut Resident Crayon Consumer Every place has them. An elite group of critical thinkers that make you question everything. Simply being in the presence of these individuals brings thoughts like “how is this a real job?” or “I didn’t realize you needed 5 different Ph.D.’s to read “Cat in the Hat!” Have no fear! There is a place on campus that you too can be surrounded by the intellectual excellence of such elite individuals. I’m talking of course of the prestigious second floor of the Science and Art building! Not only will you find the only two chalkboards on campus, but you will be able to immerse yourself in the very minds of the single greatest people you will ever meet! But in order to truly understand the sheer excellence these individuals represent, you must first understand why they are so amazing. As these folks will teach you, nothing says how amazing and important something is like a multi-part essay with detailed arguments supporting the amazingness! If you have ever been to Niagara Falls, or the Grand Canyon in person you may have noticed how beautiful these wonders are. However, you’re doing it wrong! It is impossible to appreciate the wonders of these marvels without being taught to. This is where our elite thinkers come in! One is not simply an “elite thinker” from birth.This takes a lifetime of uselessness and a general misunderstanding of edu-
cation before you can claim this title. You must understand and conquer the abstract if you have any hope in being an elite thinker. So, if you too hope to be an elite thinker, here are some steps to take to ensure your spot in the hierarchy of supreme intellectualism: first, you must be terrible at anything STEM. In fact, it’s a bonus
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Fondle-N-Flee Movie: True Intentions With Ur Daughter
Weather.
Your flight is cancelled. You’ll never get actual IFR practice at Diddle.
Descend Via.
My GPA isn’t the only thing descending.
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Book of the Week:
“I watch anime and I’m not a weeb” And Other Lies You Can Tell Yourself
if you took a STEM class and realized the professor was not smart enough for you and dropped the class. The next part of this cycle is your college experience. After dropping the STEM class for its obvious uselessness in the real world, you need to pick up a unique hobby that no cares about. This can include organic coffee tasting, senseless spoken word recitals, writing fan fiction, and other similarly useless hobbies to society. Basically, you need to be as useless as possible, if your tire runs flat, forget about getting to your shift at Kale Café on time. After being useless in every imaginable way, change your major again. As an upcoming intellectual, you need to give people the illusion you care about things and are the most selfless person you know. The only way to do this is to take out an excessive student loan and use the refund to donate to some questionable and controversial charity (like housing for homo-sexual rhinos, or vegan lions for zebra peace). Its vitally important you use the student loan money and not any personal money at all. Only then will onlookers know you’re authentic. Now for the next 3 years just sit back, party, and barely get a bachelor’s degree in some kind of art or something (honestly these degrees are so prestigious, I as an engineer, cant even comprehend what exactly these degrees actually are). Now that you have your degree, you have 2 options. Go out into the real world and get a job. Or, the best option obvi-
ously, is to double down on that student loan and get a master’s degree. By doing this you now have access to start your path as an intellectual elite! Become a TA in one of your former undergrad classes and repeat for at least 10 years. The idea here is simple, if you keep going to school, you keep pushing your first loan payment out in the eventual hope some political group will fight for loan forgiveness, and your scot free! After about 10 years, you should have at least 1 Ph.D. in something super important (its important because you just spent 10 years learning how important it actually is). Finally, after all these steps you can consider yourself an intellectual elite! You have done it! Only you can understand why the grammar used in Family Guy is more important than curing cancer. Only you can truly prove how (Name Redacted) has racist undertones that are deadlier to society than obesity and drunk driving combined! Finally you are an intellectual elite! An achievement so great, you have to constantly remind your friends and students just how great it is! For the “little people” on campus, you know who you are (engineers, pilots, homeland security majors, etc), though it is true we can never aspire to the intellectual levels of these elites, we have the distinct honor of even being on the same campus as these grand individuals. On the 2nd floor you can walk through the offices of these amazing people and maybe, just maybe, some of their supreme greatness will rub off on you (probably not but happy endings are better for ratings).
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404 This Marks the End Humpty-Diddle Airplane School Makes Tuition Optional Making My
Error
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Your gpa
Master Dee Baiter Students hovered over their computer keyboards waiting to submit their Opting Out of Tuition applications last Monday morning. This unprecedented move from Diddle comes after rising complaints from the student body about how much tuition increased each year. Out of the roughly 6,000 undergraduate students on campus, all of them have signed up for the program. By submitting the application to not pay tuition, students undergo a search to make sure they are over a 2.0 GPA, the amount of involvement on campus is also factored into the
student being accepted into the program. This tuition waver does not cover ight costs, the Government of Students Association (GSA) fee, engineering fees, lab fees, housing, or meal plans. Around $38,000 per year in tuition is spent by Diddle students. Part of this move is a new chapter in Diddle history where they no longer give out grants or scholarships. Students are expected to rely on outside funding and loans to pay for any extra expenses for the rest of their fees. aid officials of the college will have shortened hours and Teaching Assis-
tants will take over most lower level classes that actual professors are teaching currently. Diddle is also making a move to increase the amount of fees on things around campus. Things like printing, parking, housing, meal plans, and lab access will be facing new or increased fees to make up for the lack of tuition. Another thing the college is introducing is required housing for both Freshman and Sophomores on campus. Because of this, local apartment complexes are seeing an increase in lease agreements with upperclassmen Diddle students. It’s pro ected by members of the Board of Trust-
ees that matriculation numbers will increase by over 250% for the next full school year. They believe that this increase in students will make up for the dropin tuition paying attendees of the college and even out the initial monetary decrease. GSA will continue to help fund the ma ority of the pro ects on campus holding most of the weight. The Humpty Diddle Airplane School in Daytona Beach will be the first campus to try out this new plan to boost student enrollment. If this plan is a success, there is a likelihood that this process will soon be rolled out on Humpty Diddle’s Prescott Campus.
Diddle-Dicktio Reign of Terror Ends Ima Pieceadirt Amateur Reporter B A I W Humpty-Diddle now is no longer threated by the Diddle-Dicktio A suppress in female admission for the next academic year is increasing by 10%. According to admissions, Diddle will now have a 40/100 female to male ratio. The male population has reported to the Avioff how excited they are to now have “more options” when selecting a forever life partner “It’s something males here take very seriously,” unior Timmy Phantom tells us. “I look around the elevators and I ask myself, If I get stuck in here will I be able to physically repopulate the earth? Other times I ask myself if Humpty-Diddle
had the last people on Earth, could we be trusted to respawn fast enough to save humanity It’s these questions that make me want to snatch up the first girl I see walking across campus, you know It’s like, if I don’t get a girl right now, I never will.” A new era will be opening here at Humpty-Diddle. A generation of Diddle babies will in 18 years be dominating the airplane industry. It’s an accomplishment in the history of the school. “It’s truly e citing,” female Amy Knots explained. “The males have a name they call us Diddle Hoes here at school. They call us DIBS. Diddle-Dicktio Induced Bitch Syndrome. I finally won’t have to be a DIB anymore. And that is truly inspiring for my career.”
Flat-Earther Astronaut Sees the Truth Ron Chee Amateur Reporter
Four years ago, scientist and Professor Billie Yelson claimed to prove that the Earth was, in fact, flat to the entire world. After four years of astronaut training, Yelson nearly completed his training to take the ride up to the International Space Station to find his proof. “I e pect a aw dropping moment,” elson said to the public in an interview last year. “Where everyone will finally understand that the arth is not a sphere.” However before he could go into space, Yelson was required to take a mandatory sub-orbital flight last Wednesday as a final prep. When Yelson landed after his flight, he looked very pale. Doctors and a medical team were sent to figure out what was wrong with the astronaut but nothing seemed to be critical. “He was very cold and frail,” medical responder Bryan adams said in an interview. “He was shaking too. Looked like he had seen a ghost.” Yelson recovered within the day and called for a public service announcement early Thursday morning. Thousands gathered to hear what the astronaut had to report about what he had seen while in sub-orbit. The Flat arther’s ociety publically announced
their attendance to the meeting as well as the Fake Moon Landers Club from Things That Don’t ist niversity. A young student from the club, Dustin Yeiber, even gave a pre-speech on “Disk Tangential elocity” while the crowd waited on elson’s appearance. Finally Yelson came to the stage after hours of fan anticipation. “I saw something yesterday…” Yelson stated. “Something that was truly beautiful. I saw the Earth… and it is round.” Thousands in the crowd were stunned by his announcement. A riot quickly broke out about the matter and Yelson defended his claim by saying “ ou can clearly see the curve in the arth.” “They poisioned him,” resident Milly oel of the Flath arther’s ociety said to the media after the announcement. “ r bribed him. They probably have his family locked up somewhere. I don’t know what they did to him, but the arth is T round.” Since the incident Yelson has been booted from his mission and was deemed an ex-astronaut. Monday night he was seen drunk at a local bar drawing pictures of a spherical Earth. Whether Yelson has gone crazy or actually saw the curve of the Earth is a mystery only time will time. The Flat arther’s ociety refused questioning for this article. The world may never know.
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* The Avioff would like to offer condolences and well wishes to Homa Less, a reader who took advantage of one of the Featured Living Spaces previously featured in your beloved Avioff and who is currently in the Intensive Care unit of Hellifex Hospice with a severe case of hives, third degree burns on 69% of her body and without one of the eyes she had prior to relocating to the Avioff Featured Living Space. We wish Homa the best (but accept no responsibility as we were not aware of the pyromaniac vultures that frequented the Featured Living pace and we hope you’ll look to our newspaper for your future living space needs!
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ecrets of oul- tealing
Ardoa Fairgouschwitz Ninja Master ver since the first inger was birthed from the fires of hell and blessed by atan himself, the world has gradually learned more and more about this rare, magical breed of homosapien. It has become common knowledge that ingers like vampires intake significantly more itamin D from sunlight, and- as a result- are highly susceptible to the sun’s damaging rays. And while the fact that ingers lack a soul is no new revelation, the finer arts of soul acquisition have never truly been e plained until today. es ou read correctly. For the past several weeks, in a Master Fairgouschwit has delved into the bowels of Humpty-Diddle’s inger population to uncover, once and for all, the secrets of soul stealing tealing souls has been a part of the ingerism culture from the beginning. ince ingers are not born with their own souls, they must substitute the loss by stealing the energy from other on- ingers. In the early ’s, young ingers were documented performing their first soul stealing in a sacred, closely-guarded, secret ritual referred to only as the First Freckle’. The
process in it of itself is fairly straightforward. All a inger need do to obtain a soul is remain in close pro imity of their victim for appro imately minutes the amount of time varying on the nature of the individual soul . After the entire soul is consumed, the inger would receive a new freckle, typically displayed with pride somewhere on their face. Meanwhile, the poor victim is left feeling drained, depressed, and completely soul-less. A soul-less on- inger will rarely find happiness in their life, and is often described as reclusive’ and unresponsive by those in their social circle. Their own soul will never replenish, as it has been completely and utterly eradicated from their feeble e istence. The first ever documented case of a mass soul stealing was in , when anywhere from to million people’s souls were stolen in what was later called the Black lague’. This traditional style of soul stealing, while brutal and inhumane regarding the victim, sustained the inger population for millennia. However, as of the late ’s the inger’s methods have evolved into a more efficient system, one which the ingerism society has dubbed as oul Harvesting’. oul Harvesting is, in many respects, the same
as soul stealing e cept that instead of stealing the victim’s entire soul, a inger will only harvest a slight portion of their victim’s soul energy. This not only leaves the victim in a more desirable, soul-possessing state, but also allows the on- inger’s stolen soul energy to replenish over time allowing for a inger to re-harvest from the same victim multiple times. The victim-friendly method was first introduced by Molly ingwald around , while she was working on the set of The Breakfast Club. While on set, ingwald secretly confided in fellow cast member Ally heedy that she’d been carefully harvesting heedy’s soul to assist in her performance as the antisocial goth-girl. ut of respect for her fellow actor, ingwald never fully consumed heedy’s soul energy and thus, the idea of oul Harvesting was born. Today, oul Harvesting is the primary method inger’s use to obtain soul energy, although a few traditionalists still tout their many freckles with pride. o, if you ever hit a random slump where you are suddenly depressed, tired, or ust can’t bring yourself to give a ying fudge-muffin about that upcoming physics test, chances are you have spent too much time around a inger.
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