The Marriage Contract

By Chris Roosa

Contributor

Our first-born daughter was recently getting married, for the third time. Just remember, we never got to pick the other husbands.

Hubby number one lasted only months due to their young age.

Number two dragged on for twenty-five years before she realized what the whole family thought all along. Yuk!

“Current prospect” is 60 years old, has never been married, with no kids to contend with. That’s a plus. The concern is can he adapt and last the duration? She too has been single a LONG time and does not have a good track record, right?

This time around we wanted a signed/ notarized marriage contract from the future “current husband.”

1. Dowry. We would expect a sizable dowry of either a healthy sow or a massive 1500 pound heifer.

2. Devotion. We would like your guarantee of love and devotion, as none of the other husbands provided our daughter with either.

3. Kindness. We would like to have your word that you will wake up every morning telling our daughter how lovely she is and professing your eternal love even if it’s a bad-ugly morning.

4. Unity. When WE MOVE IN WITH YOU newlyweds, we require the master bed- room, plus we like our meals served at 6:00 p.m.

5. Warranty. As parents, we would expect a monthly stipend for our daughters’ domestic chores. Whatever you feel best suits the value of our beloved child, what’s her name???

6. Livelihood. As the provider, we would expect you to continue your massive garden so that she can eat fresh fruit and vegetables daily. After all, we want to keep her trim. Do NOT grow bananas, as one hubby left her with low self-esteem after abandoning her on a tree branch just like a monkey.

7. Financial Aid. In the past WE paid those other husbands to take her off our hands, since being twice returned, we could get by with a small piglet or a calf. We understand she’s OLD now but, for the record, we like bacon.

8. Special Child. Because what’s her name is so special to us, we want to make sure you know how to cook, clean, wash, iron, snow blow and mow. She’s our little Princess after all.

9. Final commandment. We hand her over with hope, in our hearts, that you too don’t return her. We’re old and decrepit now. We want to go to our graves knowing that all our children are married to someone that will take care of them in their old age. So, PLEASE keep her. We’ll even give you a new rototiller. Forget the tiny piglet and calf. How about a frog? Yes, a frog would make an excellent dowry. We could learn to like frog legs. Happy Marriage!