BQ10 | Psychology + Lifestyle by The B. Quarterly

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all the ways in which we b.ehave

A S S I S TA N T E D I T O R Juliet Jones, MA . San Diego | CA JulietJones@TheBQuarterly.com CONTRIBUTING EDITORS Daniel Sher, MA Paula H. Cookson, LCSW S E N I O R W R I T E R S M.K. Angeles Adriana Michelle Ferrell CONTRIBUTORS Ti m o t hy B a l e r N i c o l e A r z t , M S, L M F T A p r i l B i s h a r a t , M A Ejaz Ul Haq, MBA S h a f k a t C h a u d h r y , M A , L L . M . R o x a n a Fa n a r u , M . L . I . S H e a t h e r We s t , BA

P H O T O G R A P H Y & A RT C R E D I T Natalia Deriabina, Krystell Gongora, John Davidson, Doogie Roux, Jenn Duncan, Jailyn Marcel, Trustees of the British Museum, Oleksii Kriachko, Drevynskyi Maksym, Jocker Maxx, Conrado, Prometeus,

P s y c h o l o g y + L i f e s t y l e BQ10

FOUNDER & EDITOR IN CHIEF Dr. Baharak Sedigh, PsyD, MA DrB@TheBQuarterly.com SENIOR CORRESPONDENTS Dominique McGhee . Houston | TX DominiqueMcGhee@TheBQuarterly.com Cynthia Malone, BA . Kansas City | MO CynthiaMalone@TheBQuarterly.com

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If you can, in life, do not be so intent on hanging out with people just like yourself. Why do we insist so much on finding others similar to us? Same age, place, background... Yes, there may be comfort in the familiar - the people you know, the places you frequent, your generation, your first language! But, outside of those lines exist people and experiences, surprising in the most extraordinary ways - sometimes frightening in their newness and unfamiliarity, but totally authentic and raw - true to that moment - and a better fit to your nature. This obsession we sometimes have, of being around those similar to us, can deprive us of great experiences, friendships, and relationships. If nothing else, it can definitely deprive us of some interesting conversations. The things we gravitate towards, our experiences, the music of our childhood those are random and yet specific - and how those get distributed among us is a game of life and chaos! How two people connect on things they enjoy, and how they relish and laugh about their differences - how individuals connect in general - rarely falls along the societal lines we have come to know and determine. The quirks in our stories,

the small details of our families and our experiences along the way, are so delicately unique that there is no way of knowing exactly who we can connect with.... just by general demographics! We need to do the opposite, as much as we can. Make it a point to connect to people we do not understand, ...yet. And as we get to know them better, we are likely to realize that we can be from different places or cohorts, seemingly opposites, and yet be very similar in…. all the ways in which we b.ehave. Dr. B. Baharak Sedigh, PsyD, MA

Founder & Editor in Chief

GROUPTHiNK

by Paula H. Cookson

Connection to others is a driving force behind many of our decision-making processes. The need for belonging is so deeply entrenched in our human psyche, it can even lead us into murky behaviors on occasion. In group situations, people are more likely to abandon their own ethics and participate in things they would never condone or take part in individually. In 1971, psychologist Irving Janis gave this phenomenon a name, groupthink. No one wants to consider that they could fall prey to this sort of mass display of blind loyalty and abandonment of independent thought. As Americans we like to imagine that we are rugged individualists, blazing our own trails, immune to the perils of groupthink. We would like to imagine that our intellect and reasoning skills would prevent us from such lowbrow follower behaviors. Turns out, the phenomenon of groupthink groupthink is less about intelligence, and more about social standing and the drive to build acceptance into a group we value. Depending on the situation, any of us could fall into a dynamic of this sort. Groupthink can happen across the lifespan in families, social circles, the workplace, political and religious establishments, classrooms, and playgrounds. It is fed by sources of power we may not even be consciously aware of, and once established, groupthink is self-perpetuating. It taps deep into our innate need for validation, affirmation, and something to believe in. Why is Groupthink Dangerous? So, back to those murky behaviors mentioned in paragraph one. But first, a riddle. What do you get when you take a person who feels disenfranchised or socially displeased in some way, put them into a situation with others who have the same feelings, and offer a solution or belief system that caters to that need and promises redemption from the perceived problems of the group? You got it, the recipe for groupthink. Charismatic leaders, and others, who are high skilled in the dark art of manipulation capitalize

on groupthink to spread the fire of outrage and discontentment. In the spirit of this uprising of emotions is a sense of community and togetherness toward something greater than oneself; this is a surprisingly powerful anathema in groupthink, as it encourages people to place trust in the cause rather than one’s own thought processes and judgments. Without realizing it, people manipulated into groupthink are gradually compromised by their own desire to continue that sense of belonging and camaraderie. The emotional need that is met by this connection can supersede the drive toward thinking autonomously, and this is where the trouble lies. As people become complacent and comfortable in their identity within the group, the drive to maintain intellectual curiosity wanes. When that happens, people become dependent on the group to do the thinking. In groupthink situations, who is doing the consensus building? Who makes the decisions about what the group collectively believes?

People who are enmeshed in groupthink rely on the momentum of the group to keep them informed, and often fail to factcheck information being passed through the pipeline. Opposing sides, devoted to their own groupthink beliefs, are doing the same thing, and this creates further division between opposing sides as the commitment and loyalty to the brand is being challenged. It can get ugly fast, especially because a lot of this discord is taking place in virtual settings instead of face-to-face. The messaging does have real world implications though, as it impacts the way we vote, how we behave, who we spend time with, and whether we join in localized rallies and events. All of this translates into real-world interactions, and it starts with an idea in someone else’s mind, far, far away. We feed off one another’s energy, ideas, and emotions. It is what makes humanity a great, diverse species, solving problems and creating entirely new sets of problems, since the dawn of time. We are naturally drawn toward one another and we are biologically wired to seek safety in numbers and belong to clans to whom we feel connected. The danger seeps in when we abandon our own ability to differentiate from the group and think for ourselves. If we are to maintain independent thinking, we need to take inventory of our values, beliefs and intuition and stop passing up those unique gifts to placate the demands of groupthink. . Pa u l a H . C o o k s o n , L C S W

When we all think alike, no one thinks very much. Albert Einstein

If you follow it down the rabbit trail, it often leads back to powerful people, who have the means to push an agenda and hire marketing talent to sprinkle their own brand of kool-aid into our media conglomerates, piping it directly into living rooms and social media feeds, and so on.

THE Psychology of a Con

by Ejaz Ul Haq

A con artist can be defined as a person who commits fraud. They use manipulative tactics to cheat, swindle or trick others in order to steal their belongings or assets. However, the art of a con is so much more elaborate than basic theft. Con artists are master manipulators, and they often, not only steal from their victims, they also leave them emotionally devastated – because con artists often prey on people’s emotions and exposed vulnerabilities. They get their victims to trust them before striking, which can leave the person, on the receiving end of a con, feeling personally exposed and violated. The mind of a con artist is a labyrinth, and their skills of deception and persuasion make them really dangerous. Although what they do can be highly illegal, they don’t always label their indiscretions as criminal. To them it’s an elaborate game in which they use human nature as the ultimate ploy for gaining the trust of others. While media has sometimes romanticized or glamorized hustlers or scam artists (Ocean’s 11, Catch me if you can, Focus), their unsuspecting targets, in real life, are usually less than impressed. It doesn’t matter how smart or naive you are. Con artists feed off of vulnerability. And as people, we all have emotional weaknesses and blind spots, and at the very least, some moments of vulnerability. You recently got fired, or got divorced, or lost your only daughter in a boating accident. Life events and traumas – that we all experience in different ways, and at different times – can make us vulnerable and create emotional ‘soft spots’ that con artists are very good at finding and exploiting.

Con artists, with a predator’s instinct, pounce on such opportunities. Keep in mind, often if something seems too good to be true, it probably is. A con man uses your own psychology to adapt their con to sell you a story that seems meaningful and very familiar to you at that specific moment in life. People’s propensity for wishing something to be really true can propel them to believe what the scam artist is feeding them, because, we’re human, we want the payoff to be quick with a high rate of exchange per se…. which is how get-richquick schemes remain ever so popular and somewhat effective! At times our own ego can get in the way, and we may fall for a con because we are so convinced that we “could never fall for that!” Our own certainty in our invulnerability can trip us up and make us prey. That is the crucial point…. our emotions are not always logical, and often they function in unconscious ways, and they can sway us and our behavior, as they can impact how we assess our environment, and even in how we read others and ourselves. Maybe the best way to protect ourselves against an elaborate con – be it for financial reasons, emotional gain, or other end game – is to admit that as people, we have times of vulnerability, moments of additional fear, grief, or pain that make us more susceptible to cons, and to safeguard ourselves better when we know we are going through stressful situations or facing personal challenges.

LOOKING FOR HOME...

IN FAR AWAY PLACES...

Australia is a million miles away. Imagine if to get there, you had to first sit in a car for five hours with two teenagers and a mountain of luggage choking the trunk like hard candy swallowed too soon. You arrive at LaGuardia Airport in the middle of the night because some 14 year old named Zack, told your son that getting there six hours early proves that you are not a terrorist. So, you stare at the neon Dunkin’ Donuts sign for six hours surrounded by kids wearing earplugs, and chatting with classmates playing Ninja Retail Clerks against a global network that can easily look, to the untrained eye, like an ipso facto sleeper cell beautifully rendered in 3-D. Do you remember the years you never slept – age 14 through 20? And, you begin to understand that you are spending thousands so your son and his friend can see the wonders of Australia – apparently using only their peripheral vision, while most of their conversations will be on speakers to girlfriends back home. You’ll say, “I’m doing fine,” an average of five times a day, not even aware that they are not talking to you. So, two plane rides and 26 hours later, our plane lands in Brisbane and the first thing I see in the airport is a Dunkin’ Donuts. I thank God as I sneak over (while the kids are in the bathroom) and order a decaf mocha latte, hot, please—a taste of home.

The next day the teenage pouting begins. I’ve rented a car and have twice driven on the wrong side of the road, scaring a very attractive crossing guard and a dog half the size of a dairy cow. While my son sits by my side actually paying attention because bossing me around is, well, what he knows best. In the back seat, his friend sits pouting. This pouting continues for two weeks and revolves entirely around the fact that I refuse to take my son’s friend to McDonald’s. Here in the golden landscape of Australia, in a moment of pure (but debatable) insanity, I had said, “Not on this trip,” the first time McDonald’s was mentioned - and now, he looks at me as if I’m Darth Vader. I look in the car mirror and he is not even there. He has crossed his arms, and has slid halfway down his seat, a place from which a combination of steam and angst begins to rise. I mean, why did we travel 9,626 miles to go to Macca’s (as they say down under) to have McDonald’s? Here, where you can order witchetty grub, kangaroo tail soup, goanna burgers (monitor lizard if you must know). We can eat mango, mangosteen or jackfruit ice cream. We don’t even have to pretend to have an accent. But, I now understand why my suggestions of visiting Europe a year ago were shouted down.

Timothy Baler

These kids don’t want to leave home. Home is where the wifi connection always works – and for them a five G network beats a kangaroo burger hands down. Unfortunately, I found that out the expensive way. Three weeks later, when I am back home, I decide to look up the word ‘homesick’ and surprisingly find that some consider it an actual illness. It has symptoms–anxiety, depression, loss of appetite - and a list of suggested remedies if you happen to experience it - they say, don’t call home, make friends where you are, engage, talk to someone. On one of these lists is an odd remedy in two words: Time flies. That’s a remedy? Homesickness is misunderstood. You miss rock ‘n roll on the radio and billboards you understand. Food is a huge trigger, because many of us don’t often think about the intimacy we have with food. It is one thing to miss somebody, it is another thing to miss familiarity. We seek validation through the day, like taking lozenges when your ego has a sore throat. We need to touch familiarity because our strength depends on it. To travel is to abandon validation and risk not recognizing our world views. That is to say, if I

see the world as depressing, you can take me to a sunny beach and I will find depression waiting for me there. If you are hopeful, you need evidence that the world is a hopeful place. Without evidence, we are lost. If the world doesn’t look the way we want it to, it’s crazymaking. This puts muscle in homesickness. It can be a hard kick in the pants. Missing someone is not fun, but when that someone is yourself, it gets a bit funky. People miss sharing. Every day, I give the dog a treat after our walk and I give my kids a lunch and a kiss or a smile—their choice. Taking sharing away can undermine our ego strength. I ask you, with whom can you share things when you wake up in a hotel room? We miss what we see: Our front doors, our backyards and what we do not see - sharing, validation, jokes well received, those good old clues that the world is depressing or hopeful. We miss things we don’t even acknowledge, such as the intimacy of a medium size order of French fries with a well-loved and familiar logo. On this trip, on our last day in Australia, we all ordered kangaroo burgers. Everyone thought they were delicious, but everyone thought they were kind of strange, too.

THE CHANGING NATURE OF MEMORIES by Shafkat Chaudhry

When we hear about memory deficiencies, we regularly associate it with conditions such as Alzheimer's, amnesia, etc. However, research shows that our memory, in general, may play tricks on us even if we are not suffering from such illnesses. We often think that our memories are obviously correct because we remember something happening in a particular way, and we simply cannot hear someone else telling us that we are wrong. But, research has shown that our brain can and does in fact change some facts, while adding minor or even major details, both consciously and unconsciously.

External information can also distort our memory. For example, an eye witness may be convinced that the culprit was wearing a green shirt, if constantly asked about a green shirt by the police… In such a case, a memory was manipulated because of an external element. Additionally, we might consciously or unconsciously distort or embellish a memory depending on our audience or our purpose. When telling someone about a past event, we tend to change the story’s details. This, in the long run, has an impact on the memory itself.

Our brain can end up being convinced that the way we told a story is the same as the actual To explain it all, let us first explain how our brain story. As explained by Elizabeth Loftus through an actually processes memories. When the brain learns something, connections are formed between experiment led in the 1970s, people’s memories see the neurons in the brain. These connections, called the general things first and the details later. synapses, create new circuits between our nerve Sometimes the details might be inaccurate because cells, which in turn, change the mapping of the our brain has done associations on its own. We brain itself. might have seen a man in suit running away, and because in our mind, “man in suits” means the The more exposure we have to an event, the same as “man wearing a tie”, we might end up better the synapse will be. For example, because we do not have sufficient exposure to some names assuming the man running away was wearing a tie when in reality, he was not wearing one. that are foreign to us, even remembering a new name can seem difficult and we may not be able In conclusion, we should remain a bit to remember it properly at all. skeptical when it comes to our memory and keep questioning whether our memories are Our memory does not work like realities or our perception of realities. a video or audio recording. We have to accept the possibility that the way As Maxine Roeper Cohen explains, memory not we remember a certain event may have been only collects facts, but it also makes inferences as modified, to some degree, by our brain, and well, and adds details depending on our own possibly influenced by our own brand of biases. perception of things. And all is constructed after the fact took place, unlike a video or audio recording.

a t One Fifth

p h o t o b y John Davidson

a talk with

CHEF CHRIS SHEPHERD

by Dominique McGhee

Together we can get through this.

Chef Chris Shepherd Chef Chris Shepherd is much more than an award winning Chef; he’s a true believer in #HoustonStrong. I recently spoke with Chef Shepherd about his love for Houston, how the pandemic has changed life, and what he sees as the future of the food and beverage industry. After growing up in Tulsa, Chef Chris made his way to Houston for culinary school at the Art Institute. “I realized that college wasn’t really for me… I had a job washing dishes at a sushi restaurant in Oklahoma and worked my way up; my boss saw something in me and told me to go to culinary school. My parents had already moved to Houston, and once I got here I fell in love with the people, diversity, products, farms, and realized this place was for me; then in 2012, I opened Underbelly. The rest is history,” says Shepherd. Now with 4 concepts under his belt as a part of Underbelly Hospitality, Chef Chris has certainly had to pivot during the current pandemic. Chef Chris says, “You have to be creative and look outside the box. How do we morph into something bigger and better? If you can’t find opportunity now, you never will. It’s really a test of your patience and creativity. We have to balance safety, but also maintain business… it’s survival.” Houstonians can now purchase Underbelly Hospitality prepared foods as ready meals from H-E-B as part of a partnership to support Texas restaurants. For Chef Chris, this has given him the time to challenge himself, motivate his employees, and continue to help the city that he loves so much. His crisis relief organization, Southern Smoke, has distributed more than $5.1 million in grants to support people in need in the food and beverage industry. While Covid19 may have derailed the usual weekend festival, it didn’t slow down the mission for Southern Smoke. Since the beginning of March 2020, Southern Smoke has: - Hired more than 40 furloughed and laid off restaurant workers to work as case workers and application screeners. - Partnered with Mental Health America of Greater Houston and the University of Houston Department of Psychiatry to provide free mental health services to food and beverage industry employees and their children in the state of Texas. - Launched a $4 million Chicago Emergency Relief Fund to provide financial assistance to restaurant, bar and coffee shop workers in Cook County.

Named after his parents Chef Chris Shepherd"s

Georgia James Steakhouse

Houston | Texas

CHEF Chris Williams of LUCILLE'S - Distributed $3.2 million to more than 1,700 industry employees nationwide. - As of September 21, 2020, Southern Smoke has distributed $5 million in grants since 2015. Chef Chris Shepherd really believes that together, we can get through this. “It may be hard and affects your psyche, but we have to be on top of it. Politically we need to work together for a better future,” he says. Some of his greatest memories and inspiration have come from late night eats, and studying in Houston’s mom and pop restaurants’ kitchens. He wonders, “What will happen to them? How will Houston look different? We have to save the restaurants." In support of Houston bartenders, Shepherd’s One Fifth Mediterranean restaurant (along with B &B Butchers) joined in on a bartender pop-up series launched by Chef Chris Williams of Lucille’s. Through the guest bartender pop-ups (every Wednesday at One Fifth) the featured bar staff collect 100% of the sales and tips generated by their curated cocktail menu, while an additional $1 from every cocktail sold also benefits Lucille's non-profit, Lucille’s 1913. “When restaurants and bars were initially forced to shut down during the pandemic, we made sure to support an independently owned restaurant, every single day that we were open for to-go service. I would feed my entire staff … every single day, with food from Houston restaurants. Now we want to do the same thing for bars. The truth is that everyone is suffering right now, and we all need each other,” says Chef Williams. To d a t e, t h i s p r o g r a m h a s p u t m o r e t h a n $ 1 5 , 0 0 0 d i r e c t l y i n t h e p o cke t s o f o u t - o f - wo r k b a r t e n d e r s . Chef Chris Shepherd says that, “more restaurants should get involved and it’s great cross exposure. It’s a triple win: good for business, supports bartenders, and supports Lucille’s 1913 nonprofit.” With optimism he continues, “Our employees need work and knowing that if we hustle, we can get to the other side. Seeing us get busy and now hiring again there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.” While doing his part to help the Houston community, even this James Beard Award winning Chef needs to take a moment to unwind. He has learned to appreciate things a bit more, has gotten into being outdoors, and has spent more time working on his home kitchen and bar. Keep your eyes wide open and you just may see him and his fiancée, Lindsey Brown, cruising through Montrose on their new tricycles.

Dividers at

Georgia James Steakhouse H o u s t o n | Te x a s

p h o t o b y D o o g i e Ro u x

photo by Jailyn Marcel

photo by Jenn Duncan

C h e f C h r i s W i l l i a m s

LUCILLE'S 1913

CHEF Chris Williams and

LUCILLE'S 1913 Chef Chris Williams’ newly launched non-profit, Lucille’s 1913, functions as a conscious community collective that combines food philanthropy and development to feed and nourish Houston’s most vulnerable communities — most notably the city’s elderly community. To date, Lucille’s 1913 has provided more than 60,000 meals to Houstonians in need since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic.

ph o by Doogie Roux

Mimicking his restaurant’s ethos, Lucille’s 1913 also pays homage to Chef Chris’ great grandmother and culinary pioneer, Lucille B. Smith. In 1913, as the nation was celebrating “Jubilee Year” — the 50th anniversary of the Emancipation Proclamation — the restaurant’s namesake Lucille B. Smith was giving birth to her catering business in Forth Worth, Texas. This endeavor enabled Smith to raise funds for community service projects and advocacy initiatives. Lucille’s 1913 was born out of this same love of community.

ph o by Jenn Duncan

Chef Chris initially began giving back by providing over 3,000 meals at the start of the pandemic for Houston’s frontline workers, which caught the attention of World Central Kitchen — a not-for-profit, nongovernmental organization devoted to providing meals in the wake of natural disasters. Together with WCK, Chef Chris was able to increase his meal distribution to include Houston’s elderly community — a group that is often forgotten in the broader charitable landscape. Following the partnership with WCK, Chef Chris founded Lucille’s 1913 in order to expand his reach and the scope of his mission.

C h e f C h r i s W i l l i a m s

photo by Jenn Duncan

ART & KANSAS CITY 36

by Cynthia Malone

a Q&A with

ITY C S A KANS

INSTITUTE

a conversation with Nicolle Ratliff Executive Vice President

Advancement & Communications

at KCAI

Kansas City is a gem for many reasons.

We have a plethora of James Beard Award winning and nominated chefs, a bustling downtown, entrepreneurship rising out of every corner, the Super Bowl Champions - Kansas City Chiefs, World-Series Champs - Kansas City Royals; and maybe the most unexpected, a thriving art scene. From the Nelson Atkins Museum of Art, to the Kemper Museum of Contemporary Art and the multitude of galleries in the Crossroads Art district, this city has creativity in spades. That is exactly why we are featuring the Kansas City Art Institute, an incredible space for artists in Kansas City to grow and come into their own. I had the pleasure of speaking with Nicolle Ratliff, Executive Vice President of Advancement & Communications at Kansas City Art Institute, who shared with us everything KCAI is doing and becoming. What should outsiders know about the Art Institute? Kansas City Art Institute is Kansas City’s oldest cultural institution. It started out as a sketch club and became the college of art and design as it is today. Even today, 136 years later, it is a cornerstone of the Kansas City cultural renaissance. Why Kansas City instead of other cities? What is the draw? KCAI is a special place; We have a 16-acre campus and so you get the campus college experience in a culturally rich town and yet it’s accessible. KC is affordable and friendly and KCAI has great relationships with every gallery in town. We encourage students to exhibit and we have internships available too. We can give opportunities here that undergrads in other major cities won’t find. As a student at KCAI, we offer studio space so every student in every program gets their own studio. You’re not going to find that in LA or NYC until you reach your MFA. At Kansas City Art Institute, we treat students as artists from day one. So in summary, we have studio space, fabulous faculty members and all nestled here in a cosmopolitan city in the heart of America. I have the press release that discusses the opening of new buildings on campus including the Tony Jones Studios for Animation and Illustration and Paul and Linda DeBruce Hall, home to Art History, Liberal Arts, Entrepreneurial Studies, and the Ronald Cattelino Center for Student Services. Why such expansion? What is KCAI hoping to achieve? In the past few years, we have been transforming the student experience by providing new places for them to learn, create and relax, as well as launching a new major in Product Design and a minor in Entrepreneurial Studies in Art and Design. In January of this year, we opened the Barbara Marshall Residence Hall, Wylie Dining and Cafe Nerman. We have been undergoing a transformation within the last five years; but it began with the curriculum. It is critical to remain relevant to today’s student and today’s contemporary

art student looks different from 5-10 years ago. We needed spaces that matched the level of curriculum and we are delivering. We started with our acronym, SEWING. Sleep Eat Work. Sleeping: where the students are living. We built new residence halls. Eating: We looked at food preferences like allergies and accommodating those. So, our Wiley Dining and Café Neurman have been built to reflect that. Working: How are students working today? We addressed that by looking at two of our largest departments – animation and illustration and we built state-of-the-art studios for those students. A third of our curriculum is liberal arts. We have the first ever classroom space dedicated to entrepreneurship and art and design. We asked our alumni and they said that what they wanted to see was more opportunity to learn how to be in the business of being an artist. Let’s talk virtual learning and the pandemic. How has KCAI handled that? Like every institution, we thought that after spring break we might be going virtual. We did and that had its challenges but the faculty did a great job. Students had what they needed after spring break to deliver that curriculum. This fall we are offering a hybrid program in areas where it works best, like art history and our liberal arts programs. Of course, we are safely following protocols to allow students to meet in-person for other classes. Artists are hardwired for adaptability and students really responded in a positive way to a challenging circumstance. As a result we have a virtual art show which was a great demonstration of how creative and resilient the students are. KCAI is home to notable alumni, who are some who inspire the students? Famously, Walt Disney is an alumni of KCAI but we’ve had some really great students come through. Nick Cave is an exceptional artist performer and fashion designer and an alum who has gone on to do great things. Nicolle isn’t wrong. Nick Cave’s Soundsuits have been featured in Vogue and displayed in museums all over America. Paul Briggs has moved onto Disney and started his career animating Mulan and was the story supervisor for the Oscar-winning movie, Frozen. There are so many alumni who have left KCAI with a solid foundation and have made names for themselves across the world. The mission of KCAI is to be a leader in visual arts, and design education by preparing gifted students for lifelong creativity through intensive interaction with preeminent faculty and by stimulating active public awareness, support and participation in the visual arts and design. I can tell you firsthand that they are going above and beyond their mission in shaping the artists of tomorrow.

Located between the Nelson-Atkins Museum and the Kemper Museum for Contemporary Art, the Kansas City Art Institute creates a cultural corridor at the heart of Kansas City’s cultural ecosystem. It’s a gem in the heart of this city!

photo by Trustees of the British Museum

at the British Museum

the life and work of... 40

mohammad barrangi

SOLO

the conference of the birds

exhibition at

Nov 14th, 2020Jan 9th, 2021 at The SPACE by ADVOCARTSY 924 S. San Pedro St.. Los Angeles, CA. 90015 advanced appointment required maximum 6 guests to a party contact info@advocartsy.com to schedule your appointment

Born in the city of Rasht in northern Iran, Mohammad Barrangi studied art in vocational school and university, getting a Bachelor’s degree in Graphics and moving to London in 2019 to continue his studies at The Royal Drawing Academy, where he is expected to obtain his Master’s Degree in 2021. However, Barrangi has already widely exhibited across Europe and Asia, collecting various prizes along the way, and most recently placing two works in the permanent collection of the British Museum. The Conference of the Birds, his current Los Angeles solo exhibition at The Space by ADVOCARTSY, tells a universal story - a story that can happen to any of us - a tale that especially resonates with Barrangi, who left his homeland of Iran 3 years ago, and who feels a deep connection to the concept of migration, “something that birds and sometimes humans must do in order to survive.” Through his work, Barrangi reimagines traditional Persian folklore, adding a modern energy to universal concepts at the core of existence that, in many ways, transcend culture, time, and space.

EXHIBITION

photo by Trustees of the British Museum

Barrangi at the British Museum

SOLO

the conference of the birds

exhibition

Of This Exhibition ADVOCARTSY Writes:

The legend of The Conference of the Birds takes the form of an allegorical epic poem where a flock of birds are led by the wisest amongst them to journey through the seven valleys to seek Simorgh, the legendary figure they hope will serve as their sovereign. In the story, each bird represents a human fault which prevents man from reaching enlightenment. The journey is a treacherous one, claiming the lives of many along the way. Despite this, thirty birds make it to the abode of Simorgh, only to realize that they themselves are collectively the Simorgh. In Persian, Simorgh means “thirty” (si) “birds” (morgh). Through this adventure, they eventually come to understand that the majesty of enlightenment is like that of the sun, it can only be observed when reflected in the mirror, meaning that anyone who seeks it will also behold his or her own image. Barrangi’s distinct process consists of both modern and traditional methods, always beginning with the fabrication of his uniquely handcrafted paper. He then scours his digitized library of ink nib illustrations and vintage photographs to create compositions he will transfer onto the parchment, always experimenting until he sees what is in his mind reflected on the page.

Untitled, 2020. Printmaking on raw canvas, 41x50 in.

EXHIBITION

The Conference of the Birds, 2020. Printmaking on handmade paper, 12x17 in.

SOLO

Simorgh Attar, 2019.

Printmaking on handmade paper, 11.5x8.25 in.

The Conference of the Birds, 2020. Printmaking on raw canvas, 163 x 112 in.

Printmaking on handmade paper, 12.5x17.5 in.

Untitled no. ?, 2020.

Printmaking on handmade paper, 19.5x19.5 in.

EXHIBITION

Untitled no. 54, 2020.

SOLO

the conference of the birds

exhibition

Barrangi uses photocopies and inkjet prints to create his layered works, employing simple technologies to transfer and to alter the scale of his images.

Once this step is complete, Barrangi begins the meditative process of rubbing away the top layer of fibers to reveal the fairytale-like image underneath, a surprisingly elegant process captured in a variety of videos taken of Barrangi in his studio. Finally, he accents each work with traditional Iranian calligraphy – historically one of the most revered art forms in Persian culture. The soft power of Barrangi’s art mesmerizes the eye and grips the soul. At first glance, many assume they are viewing ancient artifacts of a bygone era when in reality, he began seriously making work in the last decade. By synthesizing elements of Persian calligraphy, storytelling, and his own unique sense of humor, Barrangi creates works that encompass a range of disparate visual motifs that build a bridge connecting different eras and cultures. His delicate works on paper simultaneously convey a sense of opulence and humility, while his largescale murals realize these mythical beasts in all their otherworldly glory. Suspended in action or battle, the characters brought forth from the mind of the artist remind us of the perpetual motion and the constant migration every living creature will experience throughout life.

EXHIBITION

Mohammad Barrangi at his studio

SOLO

the conference of the birds

exhibition at

Nov 14th, 2020-Jan 9th, 2021

A D V O C A R T S Y is a collaborative visual arts

platform specializing in Iranian contemporary art.

THE SPACE by ADVOCARTSY under the art direction of Founder Roshi Rahnama was launched in October 2017 as the permanent Los Angeles gallery space of ADVOCARTSY Los Angeles ADVOCARTSY to further its mission of promoting Iranian Contemporary Art

A D V O C A R T S Y. C O M

Untitled no. 52, 2020. Printmaking on handmade paper, 8.25 x 11.5 in.

Simorgh's Abode, 2020. Printmaking on handmade paper, 13 x 18 in.

EXHIBITION

Masked Peacock, 2020. Printmaking on handmade paper, 11.75 x 16.75 in.

Closed in a room, my imagination becomes the universe, and the rest of the world is missing out. Criss Jami

photo by CONRADO

WHY ARE WE NOSY? by N i c o l e A r z t Why do we feel the pressing need to know the details of someone’s divorce? What makes us ask someone about their childhood, or their medical diagnosis, or their salary? Do we really stalk potential dates online because we want to make sure they aren’t serial killers - or do we do it because we want to gather as much information as possible? Curiosity is the pulse of the human experience. It is rooted in our survival instincts. If our ancestors had not been curious about survival, they would not have foraged for food or relocated to new territories. Similarly, if they were not curious about danger, they would not know how to avoid it. We are born with endless curiosity. To solidify my point, take a moment and watch a toddler the next time you run errands. In doing this, you will observe a tiny creature interacting, observing, and playing with his or her surroundings - a buffet of curious wonder. However, in our adult years, curiosity shifts. We’re typically less concerned about building a fantasy world. Unlike children, we’re no longer as exhilarated by the idea of talking animals or fairy tales or Santa Claus. Instead, our curiosity becomes more cerebral and logical. Why does that person get to do that thing? How do they get to do it? What explanation do they have for doing it? As an adult, it’s not about finding mystical answers - it is more about learning how others live, and comparing it to the way we live. Nosiness stems from curiosity. Of course, many times, people can keep this curiosity to themselves. They wrap it in tactful questions - ones that seem to correspond with society’s covert rules about maintaining appropriate conversations. Or, they’re more subtle with their curiosity - they will seek information in other ways (asking other people, looking up the person online) to avoid making the other person uncomfortable.

Curiosity can cross an invisible line into nosiness when the individual no longer plays by the rules. For example, we all know that it’s relatively taboo to discuss certain topics like money, sex, or politics - especially with strangers. A nosy person, however, does not respect these general guidelines. They jump right in and ask. That said, nosiness is not only about satisfying curiosity. It can also meet other needs. We live our lives constantly comparing ourselves to others. These comparisons act as a ballpark in measuring our successes. In a sense, we rely on them to determine if we’re doing “good enough.” A nosy person will prod for information because they need to know where they stand in comparison. They need to see if they’re doing “better” or “worse.” Why do we compare ourselves to others? Usually, it’s from a place of fear. We are afraid we are somehow deficient, and we subconsciously assume this deficit will destroy our lives. While this may seem dramatic, there is some truth behind the fear. We’ve all heard of the mantra of survival-of-the-fittest. When we feel afraid that we aren’t the fittest - in whatever capacity that means - we often feel a desperate pressure to confirm or challenge that belief. Nosy behavior is one way to satisfy that need. Moreover, nosiness may have more insidious intentions. For example, a gossiper may ask people nosy questions to maintain a supply of juicy details to share with others. For these people, it’s less about comparing themselves and more about fitting in with a crowd. They believe the “dirt” they obtain on someone else is so valuable that gossiping about it will strengthen their relationships with others. Finally, nosiness can be an indicator of poor social skills. Healthy communication is largely dictated by nonverbal cues like eye contact and body language. Many people take social intelligence for granted. But it does not come naturally for everyone, and if someone struggles with social cues, they may overlook it when someone feels uncomfortable. They might not realize that it’s time to change the subject. At its core, nosiness tends to be an action built from selfpreservation. We want to ensure that we are capable, worthy human beings. Scaling ourselves to others is an attempt to track this progress. Therefore, internal validation and secure self-esteem tend to be the best deterrents to nosy behavior.

photo by CONRADO

SHAME a silent

KILLER

by Hea th e r We s t

Throughout life, almost everyone experiences feelings of shame. It's the feeling that washes over us when we do something wrong that might result in being mocked or criticized. It’s knowing that we’ve broken a societal norm and fearing that we might be devalued or booted from our social circle. Shame makes us feel small, possibly even unworthy of being accepted or loved. This feeling can sometimes be described as being embarrassed or feeling guilty, but shame goes far beyond that. Shame vs. Guilt. The basic difference between shame and guilt is the selffocus of the feeling. Guilt is feeling like we did something wrong, and that negative feeling can lead to positive changes. Shame is feeling like we are inherently bad, and that negative feeling can become internalized and cause long term psychological damage. Guilt: I feel bad because I forgot to call my friend on her birthday. I really should remember important dates like that to show her how much I care. I’ll add her birthday to my calendar so that I don’t forget it again in the future. Shame: I feel bad because I forgot to call my friend on her birthday. I’m a horrible friend, and she deserves better. Maybe she knows that already, and doesn’t really want a bad friend anyway.

Long term Results of Shame While we all experience shame, some people are more prone to it than others. Studies have shown that women tend to experience shame more than men, and that teens and adolescents experience feelings of shame more intensely than adults. It is unclear why some people feel shame more frequently or more intensely than others, but shame can be damaging to anyone if those feelings become internalized. This may come as no surprise, but feeling innately unworthy of love and social connection can have lifelong detrimental effects. Many of these shame-prone feelings and reactions take root in childhood trauma, abuse, unhealthy family dynamics, peer pressure and bullying, even from siblings. Shame has been connected to anxiety, depression, aggression, low self-esteem, eating disorders, perfectionism, procrastination, and addiction. If the effects of shame go unchecked, they can wreak havoc on relationships and our overall psychological wellbeing. We cannot change how much shame was placed on us in the past, but we can change how we face it in the future. The overall goal in overcoming shame is for us to realize that we are not our actions. Yes, we make mistakes, but we are human, and mistakes can often be rectified. We can still make meaningful connections with others even if we are not perfect. But, it is important to find the deeper cause of these feelings to be able to heal from them. As we start to notice feelings of shame for something that should be met with other less harmful feelings, we can start moving forward, and possibly seek the help needed to create change. Feelings of shame are often deeply ingrained, and they cannot be erased overnight. For most people when facing the long term effects of internalized shame, seeking the help of a trained Psychologist or Therapist can be extremely beneficial and productive.

ROX A NA FA N A R U

ACC E SS O R I Z E ?

why do we

p h o t o b y Prometeus

p h o t o b y Prometeus 64

Necklaces, rings, bracelets, and earrings. Accessories have played a big part in fashion as long as most of us can remember. We wear jewelry and other accessories to complement our outfits, adorn ourselves, and ultimately to express our personality. But how did it all begin? When did humans decide to put gold chains around their necks and to pierce their ears and insert rings into them? We need to travel back thousands years to find out. The first necklaces date back some 40,000 years ago when early civilizations used natural elements like shells, bird feathers, carved wood, stones, and even teeth, or bone beads to make them. However, archaeological findings of perforated beads made from seashells date to 115,000 years ago, when Neanderthals lived in Europe. Fast forward to Neolithic Europe and Ancient Egypt when red coral was used as a gemstone to make jewelry. In Egypt, jewelry became more elaborate, with broad collars and pectorals made of gold, colored glass, and semiprecious gems. During those times, jewelry became a symbol of religious and political power. Royalty and wealthy people wore jewelry in life as well as in death since it was often placed in graves as burial goods. But accessories aren’t just fashion items meant to adorn the body of the wearer or express their social status. Jewels have been long used in body modifications for different reasons, from religious beliefs and rites of passage to sexual enhancement or expression of a group membership. From body piercings to neck rings and lip plates, there are many ways of decorating the body for aesthetics or cultural reasons.

The psychological explanations for the use of body ornaments are manifold. Jewelry is said to be worn to attract attention to the part of the body it is placed on, like the hand, the arm, or the neck. According to sociologists, primitive men used ornaments as a means of sexual allurement. And while scholars agree on the use of ornamentation as expressing a desire to be attractive, they also believe it influences selffeeling, mood, and even behavior. Ornament, therefore, becomes a form of communication, a language. Take, for instance, the wedding band. It symbolizes the union between two people but it also communicates to the rest of the world that the person is already in a relationship with someone else. While it is sometimes used as a symbol of love and belonging, more often than not we wear jewelry to feel more confident, to somehow enhance our own vision of self. Ultimately, ornaments are and have always been symbols. Once a symbol of wealth or royalty, at times a symbol of love or cultural belonging, nowadays a symbol of our personality. We use jewelry to express ourselves, to distinguish ourselves from others, and yes, even to attract the attention of others.

The Pa r a d o x

of choice

o f ch oi c e o f c h o i c e

of choice

Ejaz Ul Haq 68

Over a decade ago, researcher Barry Schwartz presented a theory: The Paradox of Choice, which has had a far reaching and considerable impact on the way we understand how all the choices around us impact our psychological well-being. The main idea behind the theory is that having too many choices in life can, contrary to what one might believe, create anxiety instead of joy and satisfaction. But what does this paradox really mean, and how does it really affect us? Well – the availability of many choices creates many possibilities and many outcomes – this in turn creates an ever elongated decision making period, extended far beyond what is necessary or needed. For example, the simple act of buying a couch can turn into weeks of late-night online window shopping without yielding any result – not because no gray couch is available, but because there are too gray couches available - of different styles, from varied sellers, across different platforms each with their own unique perks!

Psychologists David Myers and Robert Lane both agree that the current abundance of choice can lead to some level of depression and also create feelings of loneliness. Schwartz asserts that when we have to choose one option among many other desirable choices, we begin to imagine hypothetical scenarios of other missed opportunities. In other words, after we make a choice, while other possibilities were available, our imagination of what those other choices could have led to can in turn affect the level of satisfaction we experience for the decision made!

This affects each of us, and across different areas of our lives. Choices can be overwhelming, and too many of us are paralyzed with uncertainty throughout our days. Our minds can go into overdrive just trying to order from a menu at a restaurant, simply because there are two dozen choices for appetizer alone. Going on a Tinder date can seem like a chore. Which recently right-swiped partner do you focus on first? Where do you make a reservation, or is that too formal? Which restaurant should you choose? Should you confirm by text or should you call your date? Buy a new outfit or rely on your existing wardrobe? Should you take an Uber or drive? The next thing you know you have a raging headache and confused about your own plans! A century ago, choices were more limited. Modern trends such as social media, marketing, customer reviews, FOMO, an abundance of branding strategies, and technology in general, have led to an overabundance of choice and a lack in planning often due to an underlying fear that something better might come up. The result: it has become more difficult to do anything wholeheartedly and with focus. When faced with an abundance of choice, we get stressed about making the wrong one! And, with so many wonderful options we could miss out on something better.

T h e Pa ra d o x o f C h o i c e c a n b e v i ew e d as t h i s : t o o m u c h c a n , s o m e t i m es , b e too much! Nothing is ever good enough and you have a constant fear of missing out. In an ideal world, an abundance of choice should have led to personal contentment and social development. In reality, we are constantly trying to adapt to newer and better things, which dampens our excitement over the small things in life, such as buying something for the first time. We are a bit paralyzed with the choices available to us as now the whole world is our oyster, but – we don’t know exactly what we want to do with that!

a Q &A with

D r . K at e r i na Gallus

Surgeon. Mom. Veteran.

Dr. Katerina Gallus has always been dedicated to serving others – a Navy Veteran, an experienced BoardCertified Plastic Surgeon, and the Founder of Restore SD Plastic Surgery in Southern California – she is no stranger to taking on tough challenges and mastering difficult environments. We turn to her to ask a few questions about her experiences, and the lessons she has learned – navigating male dominated work atmospheres throughout her career. A Mom of three, we want to know what words of wisdom she has for other women who want to follow in her footsteps. Dr. Gallus got her Bachelor of Science degree from Duke University, and went on to pursue her dream of becoming a physician at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Maryland where she also met and married her husband. After medical school, she served as a general practitioner with the Marines and traveled the world going to many locations including Dubai, Singapore and Thailand! Dr. Gallus then returned to complete General Surgery Residency at the Naval Medical Center San Diego. Although achieving board certification in general surgery was a milestone, she went on to pursue her dream of training in the field of Plastic Surgery. She completed her Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery Residency at Indiana University School of Medicine in Indianapolis, Indiana.

In 2006, Dr. Gallus returned to the Naval Medical Center San Diego double boarded in Plastic Surgery and General Surgery. She and her husband started their family in between these multiple deployments. She deployed in support of Operation Enduring Freedom at a forward base in Afghanistan, providing immediate surgical trauma support to wounded soldiers and sailors. And, in 2011, upon returning, their family welcomed their third daughter! After her successful career as a Navy plastic surgeon, she founded Restore SD Plastic Surgery, a growing private practice in San Diego where - along with a highly skilled team - she offers her skills as a surgeon to the community at large.

In recent years, women have spoken out within the medical field in reference to overt and covert gender biases they experience in medicine - hashtags and social media discussions about what a surgeon, or what a physician, "looks like" have gained traction, and many women have spoken about their personal experiences. As a female Surgeon, and a Navy Veteran, how have you experienced the crossover of being a successful surgeon - and being female? What obstacles, if any, have you had to overcome as a woman? It is so important to be true to yourself as you negotiate a predominately male field. This can be challenging without examples of what that may look like to a young woman in a program where there are few or no women surgeons. Early on, I tried to fit in by being one of the guys – but quickly realized that wasn’t me. Additionally, early in my surgical career I was counseled about being overly sensitive and then ironically, being not sensitive enough toward the end. That evolution crystallized my commitment to practicing medicine in a way that was true to myself. This does not mean that I am not aware of how women are perceived in surgery or in leadership positions and take that into consideration in my professional life. That in of itself is an obstacle – having to consider how you may be perceived for voicing an opinion or just doing your job or how you dress is an additional burden male colleagues don’t contend with daily. The larger issues like having children, parental leave, and balancing family and professional life all pose obstacles – but we will be in a position to change these things by having a presence in leadership roles. Having those conversations and raising awareness are the first steps in taking action. 72

What advice would you give a young woman, today, who aspires to become a surgeon? Do not be daunted by those who tell you what you will be sacrificing in order to be a surgeon. We have proven again and again that advice like this is discouraging and biased, and just plain wrong. Although women represent only 15% of plastic surgeons in the United States, currently 38% of plastic surgery residents are women. This represents a growing change and with it an opportunity to shape the field so that it fits our ideals and reflects the diversity we bring to the profession. You run a successful all female practice - how has your leadership style evolved over the years? In your opinion, what do women need to know about leading teams and creating businesses? I have tried many styles of leadership and I am still learning every day. Some of my shortcomings in leadership stem from the personality that it takes to be a surgeon – perfection is not possible at every task and allowing for the team to try and fail is important for everyone to grow. I have also learned that playing to an individual’s strengths is important in creating a job environment where people feel empowered and excited about their job. In interactions with my colleagues, I think having patience with how decisions are made in the committee or board room setting is important – I am easily frustrated by inaction and the tendency for people to not say what they really mean. Learning to watch and wait has been an important tool for me to learn. With negotiations one of the most valuable lessons I learned was “tabling the discussion for later” when the decision was not leaning in your favor. Realizing that no decision was better than an unfavorable one was illuminating the first time I watched another woman surgeon use that tactic.

San Diego

photo courtesy of Dr. Gallus

RESTORE

PLASTIC SURGERY r e s t o r e s d p l a s t i c s u r g e r y. c o m

GAME, SET, & SELF-LOVE!

by April Bisharat

I’ve found myself waking up to a sense of deep gratitude lately. As a morning person, I generally wake up feeling happy and ready to start my day, but this is deeper than that. I asked myself, “amidst this pandemic, what in my life has changed in the past six months to elicit such an overwhelming feeling of gratitude?” As I further reflected, a few things came to mind. Overall, I am lucky to say that I am in good health, my family is in good health, and I get to wake up and do what I love. I’ve been teaching tennis for over seven years now, but my career feels a little different than it did in previous years. I have my first memories of playing tennis when I was very young—maybe as early as two or three years old. I competed professionally and through college, and have been directing a tennis program in San Diego for the past seven years, where I primarily teach children. Throughout the years, being able to influence our youth has been my purpose and inspiration each day.

photo by Krystell Gongora

But I found myself also feeling conflicted with this sense of gratitude while all of a sudden, in one way or another, our worlds were flipped upside down by the Corona pandemic. Some of us experienced terrible loss. Loved ones became ill or passed away without family near, and many lost jobs and/or homes. And all of us experienced change, confusion, and inconvenience. Restaurants we’ve been going to since we were young were closing, weddings postponed, and frankly, going a little stir crazy staying at home. Many driven adults live with an “I got this” mentality, while the reality became clear that most of us no longer “got this.” In the middle of May 2020, it hit me. I might not be able to change the world right now, but I could make positive changes to my own front yard to bring some happiness back.

Of course, I did this the only way I knew how — on a tennis court, with a tennis racket in hand and a smile on my face. The few adults I coached at the time told me how much they needed tennis just to get through their week and that tennis was their escape. After hearing this, I knew I had to reach more adults during this time. Tennis is one of the safest activities a person can do during the Covid-19 pandemic considering 2-4 people are spread across 2100 square feet. I began with a couple new adult clients, which became a dozen, and before I knew it, my schedule was double booked. I quickly adapted to the idea that I have become much more than a tennis coach and tennis was more than a sport. Tennis became an avenue for Tennis became an avenue for good mental health. My clients began to trade good mental health. the crowded bar nights for tennis under the lights. Tennis, being the mentally and physically challenging sport that it is, gave them a safe, socially distant hobby, that will hopefully get them through far more than just this pandemic. The physical advantages of tennis are obvious, but when are we going to star t discussing all the psychological advantages that tennis has to offer?

for more on Love 15 Tennis

Lo v e F i f t e e n Te n n i s . c o m

were craving fun again. My clients were early for lessons, stayed after their lessons to watch my next client, and had safe interactions and conversations in person—not over their smart phones. My happy clients inspired me to do more. I started a doubles clinic called “Balls and Bubs” where people partner up and play two on two in a fun game of “King/Queen of the Court.” After the game, we all toast to a fun day of tennis with a glass of bubbly champagne. So there you have it—the winning one-two punch combination, Balls and Bubs. People were safely socializing, making new friends, single people were finding potential partners, but most importantly, people were laughing.

There is something about getting on a court and hitting tennis balls around that seems to give people just what we need right now. The couples engaged to be married even referred to me as their wedding therapist, and they truly think it’s the sport that kept them together during this trying time in their relationship. Tennis also provided a social life. A healthy social life is necessary to keep humans balanced. Our social life as I knew it consisted of going to dinner with friends, going to bars for a drink, trendy brunches, vacationing, and traveling—all of which came to a sudden halt. We put our safety and the safety of others before our social life, of course, but this resulted in people losing their balance and having no outlet to let go of the stress of work, family, and life. It was very obvious on the tennis court, that people

photos by Krystell Gongora

Sure, most people would dread going into work on a Sunday morning after working a sixty hour week, but I could not wait! Balls and Bubs gave people something to look for ward to and a reason to practice more during the week. This group of healthy, active, like-minded individuals all had a newfound love for this spor t.

Tennis has given me more than I could have ever dreamed of. This sport has given me a great education and a career I get excited about every day. But now, tennis has given me something new. It has shown me how powerful it is to give people a happy place to visit in a dark time. Tennis has given people a small reason to smile again, and that gives me hope that we can make it through tough times, with a racket in our hands.

People wanted to be a part of this event, so we added more events each month, and are expanding to new locations. This sense of deep gratitude makes more sense to me now. I get to see people during their favorite part of their week and those big smiles on the court are heartwarming. Simply put, the gratitude of each person I’m around has filled me with joy. The friendships and relationships that have been born on the tennis court give me more meaning in all my relationships. The newfound appreciation of people having the opportunity to play tennis during the pandemic gives me hope that we can find the good in any situation.

photo by Krystell Gongora

Lier Lier...Pants on Fire! the lies we tell children in the name of love

by Timothy Baler 82

Scanning the internet for an inroad to this piece on parents lying to kids, I stumbled across some interesting ideas! One website designed for parents offers an article called “Alternatives to Lying,” which seems like an interesting place to start. I didn’t know there were plural alternatives before, but I suppose there are. There’s 1) Taping your mouth shut and 2) Putting sound-canceling earphones on your kid’s head. Boo-yah. There’s another respectable website that offers an article called “15 Reasons To Lie To Kids” and this one offers some spectacular moments of reverse logic. My favorites include: “Teaches them that the world is not always fair” and “Help pass down one’s religious traditions.” Hell, they’re all great. There’s “To not discuss family problems.” We definitely need more of that. And: “So, that they’re not shocked when friends do it.” Who wrote that piece? Donald Trump? There’s a posting sponsored by Parents magazine, a highly respected outlet, in which parents sent in their cutest lies. How fun! “I told my five-year-old she couldn’t eat cake 30 minutes before bed or she might get nightmares,” says one. “Now every time she eats cake, she asks what time it is.” Yes, because those darlings need love and support and shaky honesty. Life is a three-card shuffle, so get used to it, kids. Oh and, by the way, your hamster went out of town on a business trip. How can we teach cynicism, anyway? The BBC put out an article a few years back that is headlined “Most parents ‘lie to their children.’” And, the punctuation is theirs. Apparently, the article is about parents who ‘lie to their children’ not about parents who lie to their children. (You mean, there’s a lie in the headline? Apparently.) Am I being too harsh? Certainly. Consequently, I happen to be missing half of an index finger, so I once tried the old disappearing finger trick by showing the intact finger, then swishing my hands around and showing the other finger. I scared the living daylights out of my kids that day, I’ll tell you!! One problem with lies to kids, without a doubt, is that they can be very endearing or chuckle-chuckle funny, like the way I scared my kids half to death. I heard a radio show in which a woman said her parents told her that her dead bunny had run away to a bunny farm. Decades later during an Easter dinner, the subject came up. The grandparents confessed and the mother was appalled. Three decades later, she still thought her bunny-wunny was out there living the good life. We tell tall tales. We soften the truth. We add fantasy to our lives with romantic delusions, including a jolly elf on a flying sled, a tooth fairy who understands inflation and cows eating grass to make milk. (Do you think that’s true or do you think cows conceive, carry a fetus, give birth to a calf, produce milk to feed the calf, but we take the calves away so we can harvest the milk for ourselves? By the way, they eat grass.) Pregnancy makes milk. Not alfalfa. But, that’s a bit confusing for a young developing brain, so let’s go with the whitewashed short cut: Sunshine, grass, cow, milk. That’s how it is, kids.

Studies show (they really do) that lying to children under three is incidental. Their behavior stays the same. At four, reason begins to sink in. By five, if you lie to your kids, they lie to you. This was a short-term study. I’d like to see the same kids studied 25 years later. Oh, by the way, it also shows that when they reach adulthood they also get angry about it. There are categories of lies. Some believe there are 10 types of lies. Seven comes up repeatedly. Another article tells about the three types of lies. After a while, you begin to think lying is a skill set. Have you mastered omission yet? Not quite, but I’m working on it. How are you coming along with hyperbole? Oh, I’m first in my class. Is that true? Not really. I was exaggerating. What gets missed in these studies is finding out the impact of lies when the liar is holding a plate in one hand, a belt in the other, and is drunk every weekend - versus a liar who is reading you a book in her warm lap, and telling you that sheep can fly. Could a lie coming from a seemingly ‘safer’ place actually be more damaging because it takes advantage of a greater level of trust? Children look to parents to define reality. They need consistency. They appreciate truth. If you’re stuck on a point of order, change the rules. When a kid paints something that looks really stupid, don’t say, “That’s great,” or “Picasso move over.” Try saying, “What inspired you?” Or “Do you like it?” Or “How did you do that?” If you want to look at it from a meta-message point of view, lies are manipulations and manipulations are about control. You don’t always need control. You can probably share some of that and still get along just fine. These following examples may seem harmless and even helpful on the surface, but pay closer attention and the lessons learned (or not learned) from them are not positive ones. Many appear more geared towards decreasing the parents’ discomfort, and speaks of their lack of communication skills, and less about what is in the best interest of the child, in the long run. But, one thing that is undeniable about all of them is that they are all based on lies - lies that could easily be avoided! "We tell our son he'll have to drive a little Smart car if he doesn't eat his vegetables because he'll be too little for a big car." — A. A., a reader’s comment. "I told my daughter the tooth fairy was delayed by Hurricane Sandy, after forgetting her dollar several nights in a row. Since then, the tooth fairy has also been subject to ice storms, heavy cloud cover, and heat stroke. She's super flaky." —Jessica F., a reader’s comment. "I told my 5 year old she couldn't eat cake 30 minutes before bed or she might get nightmares...now every time she eats cake she asks what time is it." —Brittany S., reader. "My husband and I co-sleep with our 4 year old. And when we want to be romantic one of us will pretend that we are so sick we may throw up so he should go sleep in his room. Without hesitation he usually leaves right away. One night he really didn't want to go so he got me a bucket and said, 'just puke here and not on me.' Needless to say, no romance that night." —Stephanie B., reader.

p h o t o b y P r o m e t eu s

nothing FAL L A C Y

T H E AL L or

by Millicent Sykes Polarized thinking is a common practice in much of American society. “Either you are with me or against me.” When arguments, discussions, and debates commence the underlying rhetoric focuses on us vs. them, and deduces who is correct. Winners vs. losers, featured in every sport. Democrats vs. Republicans, the main two parties of our political system. Dead or alive, the status of life. Okay, the last one is a bit extreme but can also be included in this dichotomous style of thinking. Even when striving for better health we can get trapped in this ‘all or nothing’ way of thinking. When a person commits to bettering their mind the person strives to understand their past, attachment style, and effectively learn how to express thoughts, emotions, and bodily desires. The process of seeking therapy and committing to the journey is seen as a quick-fix to the person’s problems without immediate understanding of the potential to meet several therapists, try different combinations of medications, and explore various therapeutic treatments for progress. Or let’s try something like… yoga. Yoga has so many benefits, such as helping to regulate heart rate and the central nervous system, while strengthening the lungs’ capacity to hold air. Dr. Van Der Kolk has a chapter in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, where he solicits some of yoga’s benefits for people with traumatic events. Yoga helps people acquire more flexibility and allot time to tune into an activity with destressing aspects. Yet, for some people, yoga has become a ‘all consuming’ religion, and a habit many cannot live without. I have overheard fellow yogis state, “I feel more human” after completing a yogic practice. When injuries occur, from repetitive movements, the yogi focuses on their lack of mindfulness, stress from work affecting their movements, or not listening to what their body needed. It’s rare the yogi will critique the yoga flow, the instructor’s questionable transitions, or the excessive amount of

exercise. There are faults to everything and knowing the short-comings of yoga can help a person overcome the polarized practice of the all or nothing fallacy. The blind belief that everything Yoga is always good, and always good for you!

For some people, the answer is yes. Some yogis have denounced Bikram’s name from their studios in an effort to distance themselves from the actions of the guru, while others simply vow to discontinue their personal Bikram practice. The behavior of a person can impact their followers so The practice of yoga started in India and mainly much that the followers, once viewing their leader was for young, wealthy men. This practice focused as a god, now detest uttering the name. In a way, on meditation and connecting the mind, body, this is a behavior stems from an idea driven by and spirit. hedonism. Once deemed good or desirable--for example being able to hold a handstand during a Nowadays, yoga is mainly described yoga flow--most strive to obtain this ideal without as rooms of people from a high socioeconomic thinking about the effort needed. In reverse, to be status. (Check out the “Yoga is Dead” podcast good at yoga the idea is you, as the potential yogi, where two Indian American women, Tejal and must obtain a specific body type and adhere to a Jesal, discuss the cultural nuances of the specific diet. Are you a carnivore, are you appropriation of yoga in American society.) Rather overweight or obese, do you not wear Lululemon? than focusing on the spiritual elements of the That’s bad and means you are not dedicated to practice, yoga is a way to lose weight, maintain the yogic journey. the thin body status quo, and not so much an attempt to find peace and calm in our fast-paced This is a notion which perpetuates a stereotype in society. No shade, merely voicing facts. what a successful yogi looks like in modern American society. All or nothing thinking… Why is In yoga, there are principles which are worshiped and idolized and if you fit the mold, you are this a fallacy, especially with the given example of rewarded and reinforced. For example, yoga is a yoga? I challenge you to think about your friends predominantly able-bodied practice. With yoga, and foes. Do you all have the same interests? Are there is a perception that a pose needs to look a you all attracted to the same mates? Do you all certain way in order for the “effects” to work. have the same birth dates, zodiac signs, and family system? For some of you, this might be As society progresses we incorporate various true. (Stay with me, even if you have answered elements of numerous cultures in hopes of yes to all of the questions thus far.) When you integrating to find the best way of embracing disagree on a topic, what happens? Does the and experiencing the whole world in our lifetime. With yoga, I think people want to be thin, flexible, friend become a foe? Do you distance yourself from this person? Or do you engage in a and healthy—which is the modern model for the conversation to learn more about the person’s industry. perspective, lifestyle, and worldview? Do your values, ideas, and identities change as you This can leave people out of the community continue to venture through the world and and ostracize people who do not feel a sense interact with others? of belonging. Is this really All or Nothing thinking? I think, yes! Either you’re in the group or you’re out of the group, right? Okay, we have established how yoga is beneficial, how the popular demographic has changed, and the current culture of yoga in the America. How does this apply to all or nothing thinking? Well, did you hear about the sexual harassment and assault allegations against Bikram Choundhury? Does the creator’s actions influence your perception of the art?

These are questions which promote critical thinking about the notion of taking sides. Yes, there are varying ideologies as well as concepts and actions which are morally and ethically wrong. The notion I am attempting to express is the world and our lives are not as easily described, understood, or experienced so why should our thinking be? This thinking is problematic because life and the world are not contrasted. There are so many components and factors involved in living that it can be hard to decide what is right or wrong and who is good or bad. 50 shades of gray? Hah, more like an infinity of gray ambiguity.

All or nothing thinking leads to all or nothing. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. M i c h e l l e M a y, M D

WHEN WORDS HURT LIKE BULLETS

WHY NEGATIVE WORDS MATTER

Research shows that negative words - spoken, heard, or even thought, can create situational stress, and they can also add to longer-term anxiety longer-term anxiety. One study found that negative self-talk seems to play a role in the generation or maintenance of anxiety in children. Neuroscientist, Dr. Andrew Newberg of Thomas Jefferson University, and Mark Robert Waldman, a communication expert, seem to both agree that something as small as a single word can influence the genes that regulate physical and emotional stress in us – a single negative word can have that much power! “Angry words send alarm messages through the brain, and they partially shut down the logic-and-reasoning centers located in the frontal lobes,” write Newberg and Waldman. Negative words repeated multiple times can have more lasting and damaging effects. Research from the University of California at Santa Barbara found that a weak message twice heard becomes more valid than a strong message heard only once. So, repetition has the power to change our minds. Research has also confirmed that the wording used before and during painful medical procedures can significantly influence the experience of painfulness and discomfort of the procedures for patients. In 2018, research conducted at Walden University has reconfirmed what most Psychologists probably already know from clinical experience – that verbal abuse in childhood significantly predicts the likelihood of anxiety, depression, and PTSD in adulthood.

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