BQ9 | Psychology + Lifestyle by The B. Quarterly

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RECRUITER Juliet Jones, BA . San Diego | CA JulietJones@TheBQuarterly.com CONTRIBUTING EDITORS D a n i e l S h e r, M A Pa u l a H . C o o k s o n , L C S W S E N I O R W R I T E R S M . K . A n g e l e s G i n a M a r i e G u a r i n o , L M H C A d r i a n a M i ch e l l e Fe r r e l l CONTRIBUTORS Ti m o t hy B a l e r Pa u l a C l a r k , BA D ev o n H e m b r e e Je n n i f e r B r ow n , M S, L P C D e n n i s M a s i n o , J D Ti a P h i l l i p s , B S N i c o l e A r z t , M S, L M F T R e my B e s s o l o , BA N a m a u d i H a r l ey, BA P H O T O G R A P H Y & A RT C o n r a d o , Pe t e r L e o n a r d , P r o m e t e u s , N a t a l i a D e r i a b i n a , D a s h k i n D o b r u i , D o m i n i q u e M c G h e e , Ti n a M e i , S u r f s U p S t u d i o , O r d a n i , O l e g B, P. C o t a , Z e n Z e n .

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FOUNDER & EDITOR IN CHIEF D r. B a h a r a k S e d i g h , P s y D, M A DrB@TheBQuarterly.com SENIOR CORRESPONDENTS D o m i n i q u e M c G h e e . Houston | TX DominiqueMcGhee@TheBQuarterly.com C y n t h i a M a l o n e, BA . Kansas City | MO CynthiaMalone@TheBQuarterly.com

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Social distancing, heightened hygiene practices, and self isolation - although carried out for preventive care and improvement of physical health - are all at their core shifts in psychological constructs. Similar to post-surgery care, every day hygiene practices, or even recovery from a simple cold - what we do - day in and day out - determines much of the physical health outcome experienced. And our behavior, by and large, is the product of our psychology. There lies this unique crossover of our psychology, and our personal and community health. One thing that helps individuals shift their thought process and adjust their behavior, effectively and more consistently, is knowledge and education on the science of psychology underneath their patterns of behavior. Advice giving, arguing, yelling, telling, and even showing proof of research...etc.. rarely works as well as we want. Fear and anxiety in small amounts can motivate and energize people into action... but human psychology is a balancing act. Push that emotion too far, and the opposite happens. Anxiety becomes debilitating, leads to poor decision making, bad social skills, messed up routines, and a compromised immune system. Greater psychological knowledge will lead to better practices - personally and communally. During a pandemic and beyond. And, in all aspects of life. As we understand how our psychology works, we are better equipped to face

anxiety, process fear, assess our situation - and adjust our behaviors accordingly. This understanding applies to many personal and communal concerns and the common language of psychology sits at the core of the changes we want to make, because it is a shift in our psychology that creates change in â&#x20AC;Ś..all the ways in which we b.ehave.

Dr. B. Baharak Sedigh, PsyD, MA Founder & Editor in Chief

falling out of love

PA U L A H . C O O K S O N

There’s something deliberately whimsical about There’s something the phrase “falling in love”. It reeks of face powder and the dust from the pages of ancient fairy tales. Falling, falling, falling, like Alice in Wonderland, but plummeting into something far more complex than even the Cheshire Cat could envision. LOVE. LOVE.

It happens gradually and in ways we least expect it. Until, eventually, we solemnly come to the realization that this person, who held such a large part of our heart at one time, is no longer someone we care to share our life with, let alone our minds and bodies.

We are somewhat prepared, even trained for How can our clumsy hearts betray us in this way? falling in love; by the time we experience these Yet, how can we resist? As it happens, falling feelings we are often well aware of the process into love isn’t all that hard. It happens to the best through the examples of our families, friends and of us, often when we least expect it. culture at large. We joyfully stumble in, reveling in the surge of Oxytocin and riding high on the dopamine freight train. Flavors are more flavory, colors are brighter, and the world at large seems like a better place. What could possibly ever change? But, what about the next chapter in that fairytale? Because the passage of time can flog the love out of any relationship. People change over time. Interests, passions and energy levels shift. Resentments accumulate. Love might seem endless and unconditional, but it’s not.

Falling out love also happens to the best of us.

We have norms around falling in love and being in love; there are rituals that we participate in and expectations we carry. On the other hand, falling out of love is less proscribed; perhaps we’ve witnessed or experienced break-ups and bad endings of relationships, but there is no real preparation for falling out of love. How do you manage it?

Express it and grieve it before you leave it ...

When you’ve loved someone deeply, those When you’ve loved someone deeply feelings have earned an honest day in the sun, even as they are put to rest. It may be tempting, once you have recognized the passing of love, to cut your losses and just get out asap. There is a very natural, human urge to rip off the band-aid and quickly move on, but it isn’t healthy for either individuals in the relationship to do so and it’s bound to leave lasting scars that impact future relationships, for both parties. Falling out of love is a type of loss, even though it happens gradually. When we experience loss, we grieve. Sometimes we feel it more keenly than others. The feelings may be a mixture of sadness, anger, relief and fear. We may experience joy as part of our grief process, or numbness and disconnection from ourselves and others.

Falling out of love and experiencing grief around that reality is messy. It calls on us to think about our own impact and responsibilities in the relationship as well as those of our partner. Often falling out of love reminds us of our changing priorities and the embarrassing ways our love-stricken selves practiced denial and subterfuge.

Hindsight seems to offer an unmistakable view of our former blind spots. Because of these factors, we owe it to ourselves and our partners to have real conversations about falling out of love. These will be painful conversations; the ego will most certainly take a beating, but remember that such vulnerability fertilizes the ground for richer growth over time!

falling out of love

Denial vs. Willful Blindness

by Timothy Baler

The trick to insightful psychology – so flat out hammy, you wonder why so few people consider this – is to look at every ego defense mechanism as if it were a good thing. Try considering the positive aspects of denial, for example, and you can see that shutting down a slender part of reality can help someone negotiate through life relatively unscathed – or, at least, unafraid. Of course, what they shut down is often something untenable, like denying the potential harm of substance abuse – just to pick an easy one. Denying to yourself that heavy drinking is harmful can allow you to 1) keep your job, 2) keep your self-respect 3) keep your relationships intact, at least for the short run. And heck, although the operative focus there should be centered on the phrase ‘short run,” we live in a culture of quick gratification. Politicians, people in rehab, marriages, sit-com television, most people couldn’t get by without stringing together a lot of short term successes or failures. Long-term memories are overrated and these days who needs them, anyway? Let’s give a cheer for dysfunction – that’s not the message here. That said, I call it the Gift of Denial and it helps me get to work each day. As soon as you put your slippers on, let’s face it, you have death walking by your side. The old man with the long-handled scythe is not pleasant company, so you shut out those thoughts for most of the day. Without denial, you couldn’t get in a car, let alone an airplane, let alone the Millennial Force roller coaster ride in Sandusky, Ohio. Without denial, a first date is out of the question. Life without denial would be like living in a world of mirrors. Eeck – no thank you. Shudder at the thought.

Even with denial in your ego’s arsenal, we have to choose our battles. This one-size-fits all coping mechanism, is so cheap and portable we tend to rely on it too much. But when should you get real? When you break a diet? When you light up a crack pipe? When you tell yourself for the fourth time that your spouse didn’t hit you on purpose? Denial can get you through the day, but you should be concerned, perhaps, if it also gets you through the night. Don’t shut the truth out; just keep it at bay for a while. Denial in moderate doses, like fried foods and seconds on whip cream. One should also worry a bit about something not sharply defined in literature, but we will quickly call “group denial.” You can sense this oddity in families with all the members pulling together to rewrite a parent’s daily devotion to alcohol. If hangovers every morning are defined as “Try to be quiet, Dad has a cold,” then you are watching a serious fantasy with multiple participants. A truly scary place for a child. Because, you can’t fool everyone – a child most of all. But, they don’t have the willpower to stand up against an entire family’s delusions. Therefor, they end up with two realities. And, that can’t be good. More insidious, perhaps, is willful blindness. This is like denial on steroids, a form of pro-active delusion that can be used like mass hypnosis. Sorry to insist here, but the world isn’t flat; the Holocaust really happened; men have walked on the moon and the planet is really heating up or 195,000 scientists all got the same question wrong. Recently, speaking with an evolution-denier,

I pointed to the Labradoodle she had on a leash and asked her, “What’s that?” “Labradoodle,” she said. “What’s a Labradoodle?” I asked.” It’s a cross between a Labrador retriever and a poodle.” “That’s right,” I said. “New breed of dog. Now you believe in evolution.” It didn’t work. In fact, no judgment here at all, I once took a philosophy course that began with a discussion on religion. The professor began by asking the students who believed in God. Half the class raised their hands. Now, who does not believe in God? The other half raised their hands. “We are now going to read some of the most brilliant men in history, who argue there is a God and some who argue the opposite. And in all my years teaching this course …” Wait for it … “No one in class has ever changed their mind.” So, who were the willfully blind, the atheists or the believers? Whichever it is, willful blindness disallows authority over our lives on a mass scale, the same as denial for an individual, and in the wrong hands this can push a lot of Lemmings into the sea. The dividing line is not whether or not this helps you get through a bout of insomnia, it’s about keeping reality at a safe distance, rather than locking it in a storage locker and walking away. Some reality is helpful now and then. Just because you can turn it off, don’t abuse the privilege!

You cannot wake a person who is pretending to sleep. Navajo Proverb

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FACING an EMOTIONAL TSUNAMi

by PAULA CLARK

“None of us heard the earthquake that started the tsunami. As a result, we did not have time to prepare once the wave started coming ashore. Now people can't seem to take control of their lives because of the uncertainty in the economy and the emotional toll it takes on them as it worsens. We are living in a never-ending cycle of not knowing when this will end and/or what else might happen during the waiting period of the storm. Worse yet, we don't even know when the end of the storm will come and if/when rebuilding can start.” These words were written by Dr. Daniel Reidenberg back in 2008. He used them to describe the panic of the Great Recession, perhaps the most recent global “emotional tsunami.” His words resonate eerily today. But though we have been this way before, this time it’s far worse. Most of us are feeling a flood of emotions on an intense level—an emotional tsunami whose waves keep coming. They bring disbelief, anxiety, fear, panic, outrage and despair. Because tragedy can bring out the best (as well as the worst) in people, we are also feeling empathy, compassion, and grief for those who are suffering the most and for those we have lost. These emotional tidal waves are now as ubiquitous as the COVID-19 virus itself. So, what are the psychological ramifications of an emotional tsunami, and how do we cope? W h e n ch a o s re i g n s . We’re all dealing with anxiety levels that can make clear thinking difficult. Our lives have been completely disrupted, and in some cases, coping mechanisms that typically work for us are no longer available. We can't get together with friends or socialize as before. For many of us, our work routines no longer serve as the backbone on which we structure our days. In short, we feel we’ve lost control of our lives. And that’s not all. Many of us are turning to social media to stay connected to others and for emotional release. Some find this helpful. For others, however, the bipolar nature of our political system as reflected in the media only feeds confusion, anxiety and outrage. For most of us, there are better ways to cope.

Here’s what the experts say. Rewrite the narrative: “Everything is different,” writes Dr. Christopher Reina. Our brains are struggling to cope with the sudden and immense changes in our lives. We are worried about our health and that of our families. We’re anxious about jobs, finances, how we’ll get back on our feet. Then there’s the isolation and loneliness many are suffering. We are overwhelmed.

Dr. Reina suggests boiling these concerns down to one or two of your Dr. Reina strongest values, then find alternate ways to experience them. Worried about exercise and staying fit but can’t get to the gym? Find an online exercise class or dance in your living room. Concerned about isolated friends or family members? Connect through technology. Find new ways to practice the things that are most important to you, and you’ll likely feel more in control of your circumstances. Focus on a single task: In her book Rise, Ingrid Poulson offers this advice: “Seek mastery over just one thing, especially when everything else is in chaos.” Use the first-thingsfirst approach to cut through the “noise” and grapple with one concern at a time. Allow yourself to table the others until you have mastered the one. This can be highly effective at reducing the sense of helplessness we often feel in times of enormous stress. Engage your right and left hemispheres: In their book The Whole-Brain Child, Drs. Tina Payne Bryson and Daniel Siegel describe a parenting technique called Connect-Redirect. This method can easily be adapted to adult self-care. The idea is to take advantage of the different functions of the brain’s right and left hemispheres to come at the problem from two angles. First, appeal to your right brain to allow yourself to experience your anxiety and fears and breathe through them. After you’ve calmed sufficiently, engage your left brain for logical problemsolving. Use mindful acceptance: Use mindful acceptance: A study recently published found that participants who allowed themselves to accept physical or emotional discomfort without judgment—using mindful acceptance—showed significantly lower levels of stress and pain than those who reacted naturally. The researchers confirmed the neurological effects of this mindful emotion regulation process with MRI imaging. The lesson? Use mindful acceptance to experience negative emotion differently. Be mindful in the moment and accept rather than react or suppress. You’ll feel calmer and more competent. Try to stay positive. Try to stay positive. There’s no denying that these are chaotic times. Rarely in our shared history have we had so many negative stimuli to contend with all at once. Many of us are experiencing difficulty focusing on any one emotional stimulus because of the seemingly endless flood. The good news is that with proper self-care and mindfulness, we can ride the tsunami instead of being engulfed by it.

Are You Legally Ready

for When Death Comes Calling?

Death is a difﬁcult subject to contemplate, or to discuss. It is a reality most are aware of – and yet, in order to thrive and survive – it is also a reality we put out of our minds in order to live, to remain optimistic, and to some degree to remain in denial about the possibility that any day can, in fact, be our last day on earth. Have you ever taken notice of the terminology we use when referring to the death of a friend or a loved one? We avoid saying that the person died, we use terms such as “passed away” or “departed” and address those who have died as our “dearly departed” – with this undertone that suggests a sliver of hope of a return. Certainly, it is reframing a harsh reality, and understandably so – but not helpful in areas where avoidance can cost us and those we love dearly. It should, therefore, come as no surprise that research shows that only four out of 10 people between 55-64 years of age have a will or a trust. Seeking legal counsel to discuss this legal issue to understand the realities of wills and trusts forces people to confront their own mortality. And – fear of death and death anxiety in general is one of the most powerful fears people experience. It makes sense that many of us avoid accomplishing this task – but death comes for us all in its own time – so, here are a few reasons to help convince those reluctant to overcome their hesitation to schedule an appointment, or look into the legalities of what happens to assets and our post-death wishes, when death comes knocking at our door! What is a will? A will is a legal document containing our instructions for the distribution of our estate - which is the real and personal property we own – after our death. It does not take effect until we die. What is a trust? Unlike a will, most trusts take effect during the lifetime of their creators. When one creates a trust, the assets are transferred to the trust and managed by someone who is appointed to act as the trustee. If one dies without having a will or a trust, the estate is distributed according to rules set by the legislature. These intestacy laws take a onesize-ﬁts-all approach to the distribution of the estate, regardless of most personal details. Only a will or a trust gives one the ability to customize the distribution of the estate subjectively.

Dennis Masino

P h o to by Pro m e te u s

Jacques Lipchitz

Art is an action against death. It is a denial of death.

If you are a parent, this may be even more crucial – because more important than one’s assets is the peace of mind of knowing that your exact wishes will be carried out about how and who will care for your minor children if tragedy strikes and one or both parents die. When both parents die, a judge appoints a guardian to look after the minor children. If, however, someone has been named to serve as guardian, judges will usually follow these wishes. If you do not have a will or a trust, a child inheriting a share of your estate has full access to it upon reaching the age of majority, which is 18 years of age in most states. On the other hand, one can place limitations on the access a beneficiary has to an inheritance with a will or a trust. Keep in mind that wrapping up one’s affairs after death involves more than just the distribution of assets. Creditors and taxes must be paid, charge accounts canceled, insurance companies and financial institutions notified, personal items and property, homes, cars must be attended to, maintained, until sold or distributed – all this and many other little tasks need to be done before assets can be divided and the estate closed. The person named as the executor of one’s will, or the trustee in charge of one’s trust, should be someone capable of handling all of the tasks required to wrap up these affairs in a timely and complete manner. As the current pandemic has shown us, life is full of uncertainty and surprises. And, the sudden unexpected death of a loved one need not leave grieving family members with the added burden of trying to figure out what to do with the estate, the personal items, and playing detective to find information and the right solutions for the person who has died. Either a will or a trust offers the guidance and certainty that we all need, when life strikes harshly and we lose a loved one. Minimizing that burden and pain for those we leave behind, is a great gift we can give ourselves and those we love.

CONNECTION

SOCIAL MEDIA 32

N a m a u d i

Ha r l e y

As, suddenly, most of the world has quarantined in their homes, our idea of socialization has shifted from crowded rooms and prolonged hugs to Tik Tok challenges, and Instagram live events. During a time when isolation and social distancing are means of survival, our new ways of interacting has transformed the ways we connect. Social media allows users to create and share content in efforts to network. Platforms such as Facebook, Instagram and Twitter have become our clubs, gyms, and schools. Not that they are able to provide the same service, but they incite the social interaction that once came from our daily activities. A pandemic is not the first or last event that will physically distance us from our friends, family and loved ones. As a result, social media use will grow exponentially, incorporating methods of communication in fast and accessible forms. A few keywords can introduce a stream of content displaying beautiful acts of kindness, funny dance videos or cat memes. From there we engage, comments and likes increase the popularity of content and exhibit the similarities and universal appreciation for certain people, places, and values. One scroll can introduce users to thousands of individuals who are looking for joy in the same place. Nonetheless, private large gatherings are an essential part of our lives. And, social media has made it possible for weddings, graduations and even funerals to still take place.

Through the “live functions” of many of these social platforms, users can tune into the most important human experiences. Through the comments stream the audience feels the presence of each other through organic and fast communication. This most recent pandemic has eliminated many of the ways we celebrate milestones, but luckily a smart phone and a little will power converts distance into a virtual connection to these much needed “gatherings”. Not only can everyone watch what is going on and respond, they save the money and physical strain of traveling. Entertainment. Connection. Support. Information. The stream of content never stops and neither do the viewers. But it also connects us to those we are closest to, especially when physically apart. When parents feel disconnected from grandkids or extended family, they can hop on Facebook and look through their feed, giving them entertainment and a level of family connection that is only possible digitally in a world where mobility and moving far away has become the norm. During this pandemic, as other times of trauma and disaster, our society has come to rely on social media. Curating the story of one’s life, brings a little bit of the artist out of every one of us. Color schemes and photos the canvas of our technological communications. And sometimes – without a way to physically hug your best friend or your favorite cousin, social media can step in and put a bandage on that social distancing wound.

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a li le R & R in

TULUM by

Dominique McGhee

Dominique McGhee & gorgeous Tulum waters

Tulum situated on Mexico’s Yucatán Peninsula coastline and known for its breathtaking beaches and well preserved ruins is the perfect R & R spot. History, perfectly blue waters and white-sand beaches with great food and a growing hot spot vibe make Tulum uniquely magical. The old mixed in with a new buzzing nightlife of cocktails and culinary delights, framed in aqua blue waves to make you forget all your troubles. Tulum’s dining scene is super diverse; from local taco stands in downtown to buzzy scenester hotspots, there’s something for every taste and budget. While you’re visiting one of the many beaches, you’re destined to find the perfect place to enjoy a meal on the beach with the sound of crashing waves as your soundtrack.

It is a very serene feeling to have lunch with your feet in the sand and listen to the sea as you dine on fresh seafood and drink a cold beer. For dinner, head over to stylish Rosa Negra for an amazing selection of steak and seafood (the octopus is a must order) and follow that up with dancing the night away at Casa Jaguar

TULUM

Mayan Temples 40

(they host a Thursday night party that you don’t want to miss). Plan a visit to downtown Tulum and checkout Bonita Burger Bar for chill vibes and Batey for well-made mojitos & live music. No matter where you stay in Tulum, you’re relatively close to anything that you may want to do. There are countless options for hotels on the beach or you can choose to book an AirBnB for a more personal experience. Many places will offer suggestions on things to do, restaurants, tours, and provide bike rentals for getting around this chill town.

cenotes

So, you’ve hit the beach and visited the cenotes, swam with turtles, had mojitos in downtown, and partied the night away with friends old and new… what else is there? Tulum’s location makes it ideal to just kickback and relax. You can take a yoga class, visit the ancient Mayan Ruins, take a day trip to Bacalar Lagoon, or just rent a bike to explore the city. From capturing photos at the memorable Tulum sign to eating ceviche at a local joint, Tulum is a bit of a wonderland for every traveler, whatever your personal preference. My recommendation is this: pack your sunscreen and a comfortable pair of shoes because adventures await at this magical place packed with history and beautiful sights. My favorite dining spots: Posada Margherita, Hartwood (reservations are difficult, best to plan in advance), La Pebeta (great for breakfast), Rosa Negra, Canova, Bonita Burger, Campanella Creamerie. My favorite drinks: Casa Jaguar, Gitano Matcha Mama, La Malquerida (great 2 for 1 Happy Hour). Papaya Playa, Azulik. My favorite activities: Visit cenotes, Sian Ka’an Biosphere Reserve, swim with sea animals, bike around town, explore ancient ruins, shop the local stands/shops.

T U L U M 42

Dinner at Rosa Negra

Lunch at Tulum Beach

helping children find their passion

by Remy Bessolo

We want kids to explore and find their passions. But – adults can at times impart undue influence and not realize that children can, and often should, find what makes their hearts sing! To support a child in their curiosities, we can take a thoughtful step back, and provide support only when necessary. Kids are naturally curious, confident, and communicative if we give them the right foundation and everyday examples of certain behaviors. So – as a parent, or caregiver, try to identify and analyze your own fears and thoughts surrounding the things each child is curious about and wants to explore. Maybe you fear they won’t fit into a certain box. But boxes are barriers, so encourage them to seek out what they are drawn to, and let them learn about it. This positions you as an example of support and lifelong learning, and decreases feelings of pressure or competition. For kids to feel truly capable and excited to explore, they need a strong foundation. This is where parents and caregivers come into play. If kids see adults around them working towards a desired goal consistently, through failures and successes, they’ll realize two important facts. They don’t need to be perfect (or even good) at something at the start, and all it takes is a little bit of daily effort to reach dreams and goals. Once they have that sense of selfconfidence, they grow into the directors, and the adults become audience members in some ways. Follow their story, watch, and listen. Loris Malaguzzi, creator of the Reggio Emilia educational approach, put it perfectly. “Creativity becomes more visible when adults try to be more attentive to the cognitive processes of children than to the results they achieve

in various fields of doing and understanding”. Applaud their efforts, not just their results. Pay attention to their process, to help and support their weaknesses (we all have them), and to highlight their strengths. You want to protect kids and give them the best, but in reality, you need to identify what you can provide, and then let them lead. They will surprise you and themselves with how capable they can be. Only provide help or give direction when it is truly needed. Let them explore and fail a bit. Picture an afternoon walk by the water, and a long stick with a unique shape right there for the picking! Your child smiles with curiosity and bends down to pick up that stick - thinking how it would be the perfect décor on his desk where he can hang his favorite baseball hat - as his mind quickly works to see how to pick it up and he feels the thrill of an unexpected find that sparks an idea and the imagination, you reach out and grab his hand and yell “Wait! What are you doing? Don’t touch that! It’s dirty!” We are, at times, quick to stop children because of the fear of what we know could maybe happen. What if they cut themselves, what if there are bugs on it, what if they get sick from it. But they can also discover the texture, colors, and patterns it may bear. Experiencing some failure and making some small mistakes help create resilience, and working through frustration is a critical skill for exploration and discovery. So let them pick up the stick sometimes – and if they are into music, or dance, or chemistry or fascinated by planes, or cooking, or making pottery – indulge them a little for the pure pleasure of it!

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BEHIND THESE SLIDING DOORS 48

Photo by Natalia Deriabina | Elevator | Old Town Hall | Prague 50

by Tia Phillips Don’t look.

In the U.S. we have a deep-seated respect for personal space and privacy. An elevator violates all of our cultural rules, therefore creating an environment where new rules have to be made. The way we behave in an elevator is directly affected by these unwritten rules upon which we have all silently agreed. Move over. When someone enters the elevator, the first thing we do is move as far away from that person as we can. If you want to make someone increasingly uncomfortable, try hanging out in the middle of it while they give you the side eye from the corner into which they have thrust themselves. Americans love their space - and their privacy. Which brings us to our next rule. Don’t eavesdrop. When someone is on their phone or having a conversation with their riding buddy, we all pretend we can’t hear. We stare at our own phones, our shoes, or the wall, all in an attempt to relieve the psychological discomfort that comes with facing the obvious truth: of course we are listening. Just once, I would like someone to say, while on the phone, “I thought you took care of the body?” and watch as everyone pretends they didn’t hear it.

If you look at someone, you have to talk to that person. Looking up only to look away seems rude. It is akin to giving someone a “dirty look.” Looking at a person in an elevator for more than two seconds is the same as staring. And if you are going to stare, you had better be prepared to have a conversation. Having a conversation can seem invasive, rude, or you can run into a problem if it gets out of hand. Keep it short. Don’t start a conversation you can’t finish. You only have three floors, so it’s important you don’t go deeper than, “How about the weather?” Venturing into anything outside of this small talk can pull you into a conversation that becomes awkward to end once the doors open. “Okay, whatever, didn’t really care, bye!” Eyes forward. Turn around and face the front. This is actually a fascinating rule that dates back to the early 1870s. The first elevators had benches along the back upon which people sat. When the elevator arrived at their destination, they would arise and walk off. The tradition continues today, and really, what’s more American than being poised for a quick exit? No matter the building in which the elevator is located, these unwritten social rules are strict and there is little negotiation. Go ahead and face the back next time you ride on an elevator and watch the reaction you get – just don’t stare too long!

WHY DO WE EAT CAKE? by Jennifer Brown

All across the world, we eat it at our birthday parties, weddings, anniversaries, graduations, and holidays. In fact, most any celebratory event involves this sweet treat. I’m talking about the deliciousness that is cake.

What is it about this sugary indulgence that brings us such pleasure? Besides the obvious taste factor, there are several reasons we love cake. From an evolutionary standpoint, our primitive ancestors were scavengers. Sugary foods are excellent sources of energy, so we have evolved to find sweet foods particularly pleasurable. To maximize our survival as a species, we have an innate brain system that makes us like sweet foods because they’re a great source of energy to fuel our bodies. In terms of using cakes in a festive manner, we can thank the ancient Egyptians for “inventing” the celebration of birthdays. They believed when pharaohs were crowned they became gods, so their coronation day was a pretty big deal. Ancient Greeks realized that a dessert would make celebrations much better. So they baked moon-shaped cakes to offer up to Artemis, Goddess of the moon, as tribute. They decorated them with lit candles to make the cakes shine like the moon. Hence, the reason we place candles on our birthday cakes. By the 13th century, German children began celebrating their birthdays (called Kinderfest) with cakes that were also lit with candles. However, unlike today, the candles burned all day and when they

were finally blown out, the child would make a wish. The belief was that the smoke would carry the wish to heaven. Turns out, there is even more to loving cake than just our consumption of it. In many cultures and in many countries, food really is an expression of love. At the heart of baking for others is the very act of giving. While the process of baking can contribute to an overall sense of wellbeing, sharing what we bake with others heightens that feeling of positivity. Cakes can also bring up fond memories of the past. You can probably close your eyes right now and recall a time that involved a delicious cake recipe that could only be baked “just right” by a particular family member. Tasting a similar cake can transport you to another time. Additionally, baking is a stress reliever that can be meditative in nature. One recent study in the Journal of Positive Psychology suggests that people who frequently take a turn at small, creative projects, such as cooking or baking, report feeling more relaxed and happier in their everyday lives. Tamlin Conner, a Psychologist with the University of Otago in New Zealand and lead author on the study, found that in addition to feeling happier, people who worked on little creative projects every day also felt they were “flourishing”— a psychological term that describes the feeling of personal growth. Whether to show affection to loved ones, hospitality to strangers, or to adhere to and express religious beliefs, cakes remains a heartwarming and delicious staple in many of our celebrations all around the world. And, I’ll eat to that!

Everyone has a favorite cake, pastry, pudding, or pie from when they were kids. Paul Hollywood

by Dominique McGhee

Dom's Favorite H O U S T O N Cake

When I was a child, my grandmother would When I was a child, make an amazingly delicious coconut cake that would just melt in my mouth. As I grew up that cake (along with many other things in life) held sentimental value and became one of my favorite desserts. So, you can imagine how EXCITED I was when I tasted the Coconut Cake from 1751 Sea & Coconut Cake from 1751 Sea & Bar in The Heights neighborhood of Houston. Bar Similarly to my story, the coconut cake at 1751 was inspired by a recipe from Executive Chef JD Woodward’s mom and made its way onto the menu. Pastry Chef Allison Thiessen joined the team and put her own twist on the dessert; now it is served as a towering multi-layered slice of irresistible cake. Other than its ability to make me reminisce on being a child, what else makes this one of my favorite cake obsessions? Perhaps it’s the three layers of perfectly baked cake sandwiched between rich buttercream icing. It could be the ideal ratio of coconut adding textural contrast to the soft, fluffy cake. Maybe it’s the sweet & savory salted caramel drizzle that makes it’s so delectable. Or is it the candied pecans topping the cake that set it apart? The truth is, all of these components together make this cake one of my favorite desserts. I like to enjoy a slice with a cocktail, a cup of coffee, or some vanilla ice cream. Now, excuse me while I turn on Rihanna & eat a slice of this mouth-watering cake!

Coconut Cake | 1751 Sea & Bar

What is your favorite cake?

We want to know the story. Is it a

family recipe? A local restaurant? A special story attached? Let us know. We will pick three to print in a future issue. In 1000 words or less, include any picture or recipe you would like to submit for possible publication. Info@thebquarterly.com @TheBQuarterly

what about cupcakes? Officially, the earliest mention of what is now known as a cupcake was in 1796 â&#x20AC;&#x201C; referred to as a cake to be made in multiple small cups â&#x20AC;&#x201C; however, the term cupcake was first officially used, in 1828, by Eliza Leslie in her cookbook which included the first cupcake recipe!

about 13% of brides decide to serve cupcakes at their cupcakes wedding as opposed to the traditional wedding cake

During the 1950s, the paper baking cup suddenly cup became very popular!

Hostess CupCakes, arguably the worldâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s most famous cupcake, were originally made in the 1950s. the 1950s. They now sell 600 million CupCakes each year.

The record for eating the most cupcakes in the cupcakes shortest time is 29 cupcakes cupcakes in 30 seconds

the first all cupcake bakery

yummy cupcakes BURBANK by Devon Hembree

Fo r t h e u l t i m at e c u p c a ke ex p e r i e n c e we h a d t o v i s i t Y U M M Y CU PCA K ES !

Yummy Cupcakes is located in Burbank, CA right on Magnolia Blvd. You can’t miss their all pink awning with a pink bench out front. When you walk in, you’re greeted by the smiley staff and lots of yummy treats. When I visited for the first time, I was amazed with how many different desserts they offered to satisfy my sweet tooth. They supply chocolate covered pretzels, biscottis, “cupcake crunch”, macaroons, cream puffs, layered cupcake pops, cupcake in a jar, frosting pops, and of course cupcakes (and many many more cupcake treats). You can enjoy your snack-of-choice with dairy products, vegan style, and gluten-less. They even have sugar-free options on Fridays and Saturdays. On the right side of the store you can find everything that isn’t just a cupcake, and on the left, you will find about 20 to 30 different cupcake flavors to choose from. I’ve never been much of a picky eater; I will try (almost) anything once. Actually, I will try anything twice, since my mother always told me I should since “taste buds change as you get older”. Considering that I am not a picky eater, I am always indecisive about choosing what I want to consume, anywhere I go. I was overwhelmed with all of the different flavors, and the sweet aroma of the shop made it that much more difficult! After much contemplation, I was able to pick out seven different cupcakes - plus some other tasty sweets. I did pick some vegan cupcakes, including Lemon Tart (I give it 10/10), Vanilla Bean (10/10), and Buttered Popcorn (10/10- WOW). My non-vegan choices were Leprechaun Lucky Charm (9/10), Churro (9/10), Brown Cinnamon Sugar (10/10), and Salted Caramel (10/10). Please do not make me pick a favorite; every single bite of each cupcake fulfilled my expectations of flavor and then some. The other baked (or not) goodies I bought were the vegan Cookies & Cream cupcake push pop (10/10), Peanut Butter frosting pop (10/10), and a couple of doggie cupcakes for my neph-dog, Montana (I’m pretty sure his rating was 11/10).

Burbank all of her life and loves her work atmosphere. When I asked her what made her job so special to her, she told me, “I’ve baked my whole life so I was excited when I got the job here. I did leave for a while to attend culinary school and they gave me my job back once I was finished. Everyone is like a family and we have many regulars.” To top off their excellence, they have different flavors every day. In store and on their website, you can find the month’s daily cupcake flavor calendar. The calendar provides flavors that will be available daily, as well as their 7-8 specialty flavors (including one glutenless, one vegan, and their sugar-free choice on Fridays and Saturdays). Since the opening of Yummy Cupcakes in Burbank, they have added two other locations in Encinitas and Bloomfield Hills. You can also order cupcakes online or get their Cupcake Treats Box Subscription Want in on the fun? Join them in their bakeshops to make your own cupcakes at home. And now, I’m going to use my free cupcake reward (oh, yeah they also have a reward system). My mouth is already watering just thinking about their Salted Caramel cupcake!

So what’s the story behind Yummy Cupcakes? Tiffani, the owner, started the company in 2004. She was a tour guide at Universal Studios when her and her mom decided to start the business in their home and providing cupcakes for special events. Obviously, their neighborhood, family, and friends loved the cupcakes so much that they were able to open the shop! It was the first cupcake-only bakery. When I made my trip to the shop, Tiffani was not there, but her employee Kaitlin was able to talk to me and give me the background story. Kaitlin has worked at Yummy Cupcakes for 7 years. She has lived in

Devon Hembree | Yummy Cupcakes, Burbank

unwind your s o u l t a k e o u t a v a i l a b l e | Sa n D i e g o , C A

cloakandpetal.com

CONFLICT

INTEREST

by Nicole Arzt From the moment we are born, our caregivers start

to shape our world. They determine the toys we play with, the clothes we wear, the foods we eat, and the places we visit. Our families come with their own religious and political backgrounds, and their own moral compasses for how we should behave in society. We internalize their thoughts, feelings, and preferences from infancy. As we grow, we continue to be surrounded by external influences. Our friends, partners, coworkers, neighbors - they all play a role in creating our identities. One could argue that we are never truly blank slates, that we are never truly impartial. As a psychotherapist, I frequently have clients who want my “unbiased opinion.” The notion of an unbiased opinion, of course, is an oxymoron.

All opinions are inherently biased. And I stand firm in what I tell my clients: all people are biased, even the therapists who are trained in compassion and nonjudgmental ways of thinking. To be human is to be biased. “Conflict of interest” occurs when people make choices biased by their motives and goals. For example, we therapists cannot ethically treat loved ones. Usually, we should not even treat friends or family of our loved ones. That is because we already have predetermined expectations of this person. We may hold onto assumptions about what they should do for our gain.

Conflict of interest can occur in all industries. The examples vary. Hiring an unqualified socially well connected person for a job, to get access to that social circle. Prescribing a certain medication when being "pampered" by that brand. Entering into a romantic relationship with a subordinate. Buying company stock due to hearing insider information. Engaging in personal business on company time.

Sometimes, these conflicts are apparent. Other times, they seem more insidious. For example, a new vendor may provide a company with a free trial of their services. That company starts endorsing the service to show their appreciation for the gift.

There could be some legitimacy - perhaps, they like the service enough to offer their verified endorsement. But, how does the “gift” factor into their motives? Do they genuinely appreciate the service, or do they feel indebted to reciprocate a favor? Moreover, are conflicts of interest always a real problem? It’s impossible to answer such a complex question with a simplified answer. In psychology, absolutes rarely exist. Most ethical issues lie on a broad spectrum of limitless possibilities.

However, it is important to remember that we do not make decisions free from our emotions. We are not robots. As humans, we are wired to make choices that serve our best interests. This mindset improves our odds of survival. If we don’t look out for ourselves, who will? This can become problematic when our needs encroach on, or stand in conflict with, the needs of others. For example, if a company’s agent makes a commission on sales, will that person be fully honest with a buyer about all the negatives of the item being sold? It is understood that all of us have certain needs, and when our needs stand in contrast to a professional responsibility it can get complicated. Certainly – as a society we have to better understand our psychology when it comes to conflict of interest and limit situations where this psychological conflict impacts others in a negative or crucial way. Everyone has an agenda, that is part of being human, but we should attempt to create a society where personal agendas do not sit in contrast to professional and social responsibilities.

by Adriana Michelle Ferrell

Life's Unexpected Plans â&#x20AC;Ś . . a personal reflection

P h o to by Pro m e te u s

Recently, life has drastically changed, and whoever you are and Recently, life has drastically changed, wherever you are, you have likely felt the collective panic, fear, and isolation happening worldwideâ&#x20AC;Śand it is ongoing. Some of these feelings may be amplified by the way others are handling this pandemic. While some are still in denial or blissful ignorance, others are putting their nose down to the grindstone and working away as normal, and many, are also taking on passion projects that have been collecting dust in a dark corner for months or even years. This year started out rough. I rang in the New Year by throwing a 1920â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s-themed anti-prohibition party with some of my closest friends and woke up on January 1, 2020 with a plan. I was going to go on a cleanse for 30 days. I even planned to write about my experience for The B. Quarterly. Life, and this new plan, was underway! I even joined ClassPass in order to check out different studios around the area. There I was: a vision of wellness. Break my Stride by Matthew Wilder was playing on repeat in my head and I was, quite honestly, striding with the best of them. On January 4th, I attended my first mediation class ever at Saffron & Sage in the Hillcrest area. The facilitator Gabriel, who I now consider an angel, was hands-on and openhearted and I was hooked. I left that class on cloud nine and sat in my car for a long while just taking deep breaths and watching people filter out of the studio. As I

watched Gabriel get into the car in front of me, I looked down to see that my phone was ringing. It was the owner of the facility where my stepfather, Kent, resides. My mother passed away 5 years ago, and Kent, who raised me with my mom, had a massive stroke 2 days before my 21st birthday. He has been at this facility since my mother’s death. The owner was calling to tell me that he was taking Kent to Urgent Care, but that I shouldn’t worry. I hung up and as I drove home, and as I walked in the door and very calmly (thank you, meditation) told my partner what was going on. Urgent Care quickly realized there was nothing they could do for him and sent him to the ER, where he waited for hours for a bed to open up. The next three weeks were a blur of waking up, driving to the hospital, putting on a brave face before entering his room, consoling him when he felt pain, being his advocate when nurses following “proper protocol” failed to show basic humanity towards him, speaking to a revolving door of LVNs, RNs, Nursing supervisors, therapists, technicians, and of course, a few doctors. Going through this experience prepared me for what it must be like to be a mother, I thought: exhausting, rewarding, invigorating, scary, and neverending. My heart was living outside of my body every single time I entered that hospital and stayed with him until the next day.

P h o to by Pro m e te u s

P h o to by Pro m e te u s 76

This is all to say that my stepfather almost died in January. He was This is all to say that my stepfather almost died in January. admitted with a UTI (uncommon for men) that slowly turned into an issue with his prostate, his kidneys, his bladder, and later on his lungs. CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) was mentioned more than once and I simply couldn’t wrap my head around any of it. How could this be happening? I still don’t understand. They discharged him against my wishes and less than a week later he was back in the hospital with pneumonia. I was angry, scared, and entirely at the end of my rope. “This time”, I thought to myself, “he is not leaving until we are ready”. He further declined while in the hospital, which I expected, but did not make the situation any easier. A week later he was discharged with a Foley catheter and on a strict diet of soft food. I was told that he would likely never eat solid food again. A few weeks passed and my stepfather was eating solid food again. A small victory for some, but it was major for us. The man loves to eat! It was late February and I realized that I had a trip planned to NYC the coming week. I was meeting my friend Anisha, originally from Oakland, who now lives in DC. Anisha’s mother passed away in January, and coincidentally, we would be in NYC together for the 5-year anniversary of my mom’s final journey. I visited my stepfather and told him about the trip. I explained that I had purchased tickets to see the musical Tina based off of Tina Turner’s life and his eyes sparkled. My parents had seen Tina Turner perform a few times and they always told me how incredible she was. It seemed that I had his

blessing and was on my way to the Big Apple for some well-deserved rest and relaxation. I took the red eye on March 1st and landed at JFK around 5 a.m. the next day. As I waited for Anisha to land, I was blissfully unaware of what Governor Cuomo had released in a statement less than 12 hours before. Friend in tow, we made our way to Brooklyn and decided to kill some time by eating a few bagels and walking the streets. By the afternoon we were exhausted, but finally able to check-in at our Airbnb. We settled in, napped, and that night, went to an Italian restaurant a few blocks away. We stayed there for hours eating pasta and talking before taking the conversation back to our humble abode for the next few days. That night we were on our phones and catching up on what was going on in the world when we saw a headline: First Positive Coronavirus Case in NYC Confirmed. We spent the next 5 days eating more bagels, spending time with old friends, telling stories, resting, and enjoying the magic of the city. My flight home was scheduled for the afternoon of the 6th, a Friday, while Anisha stayed for a conference over the weekend. At the airport I felt the magnitude of 2020 hit me. It was only March and yet so much had already happened: my step-father’s hospitalization, the 5 year anniversary of my mom’s passing, my friend’s mom passing, and the virus.

P h o to by Pro m e te u s

P h o to by I O rdani 80

As I boarded the plane, I noticed the seats. My flight wasn’t full, in fact it was almost empty, and for some reason that surprised me. I could also see many people wrapping their faces with scarves and using disinfectant wipes on their seat and console. This wasn’t uncommon, but it seemed to me that more people than usual were taking extra precautions. We landed in San Diego around 8 p.m. and all was normal, at least for the next few days. My boyfriend’s brother, Walt, was visiting and we spent time watching movies, cooking, and even going out to shoot pool at a local bar one night. Walt went home on Sunday afternoon and pretty soon thereafter, more reports began coming in about the virus. It was more serious than anyone had led on. This all brings me back to the present time. We have been in isolation since for some time except to go out for groceries, however, in the last few days I have decided it best to order online. I ping pong back and forth from feeling balanced and accepting of what is happening to absolute fear and terror for myself, my loved ones, and for the future of the world. This all sounds highly dramatic, I’m sure, but as someone who struggles with anxiety, a pandemic is not something to be taken lightly. It seems that every headache or cough takes me out, both physically and emotionally, for the entire day because I’m bracing for things to get worse. Also, that nagging question plays on repeat in the back of my mind: “What if you have it?" I have come face-to-face with my own mortality before with the death of many people in my life, but never like this. Most of us have never experienced something quite like this.

So, what to do when life takes over with its own unexpected plans? You step back and adjust - here is a list of things I do for myself to help lighten the load:

1. Call someone. This is especially important if you are going through this quarantine (or any life

challenge) alone. We are social creatures, and as much as you may be an introvert, we need connection. Pick up the phone and call a friend. 2. Read a book. Read 10 books! Oh, you can also support independent bookstores by shopping local. 3. Look up a new, possibly challenging recipe, and get lost in the kitchen. While you’re at it, research the origins of the recipe and learn more about the dish and where it originates. 4. Paint or draw. You don’t have to be Monet to have n. Art is therapeutic and highly addictive once you get going. If you have kids, let them make a mess. Let it happen. If you don’t have kids, make a mess. Let it happen. 5. Netﬂix the day away. Yes, I am explicitly telling you to “waste” a day away watching your favorite show or movies. If n now, when? Do it. 6. Listen to music and move your body! Many of us already lead a too-sedentarylifestyle and this can be positive all around. Remember that you can move and dance while you do a l of things. So why n boogie while you fold laundry? 7. Explore a museum, National park, or place of historical importance (also available online). Learning new things can pull focus away from some of the worrisome thoughts that do n do much in helping situations in life. So, take an online tour, learn more about The Louvre! Are you familiar with how Jazz started? Do you know what actually led to The Trail of Tears? 8. Educate yourself. A seemingly nice, but insensitive qu e has been circling around social media since the world stood still: We are all in this together. Sounds nice, but we’re just…n . We never have been. Find out about your community and the world, and those most vulnerable. Find out how you can help, or at least become better informed. 9. Support hers. You can do this by checking on a neighbor, buying goods from a local business or co-op, or giving ﬁnancial support to an organization whose mission you support.

1 | 1 Art & Fashion by Kyle LeBlanc

leblanccompany.co

Q&A with

Lisa Gochman

For over 20 years, Lisa Gochman has kept her finger on the pulse of Houston. With those years of experience, knowledge, and relationships under her belt, Lisa is able to provide quality solutions to best serve the needs of her clients. I spoke with Gochman and got some insight into how she got started, how she’s adapted her business in an ever changing world, and tips on staying relevant and visible in this information age. You have had a long career in marketing and advertising - but, what first drew you to this career? advertising - but, what first drew you to this career? I was always in media, newspaper, photos for yearbook, journalism in college, so it was really a very natural path. Even to the extent of planning college events or friend’s parties. It was really a very organic progression into all things media and marketing. You have worked with a multitude of groups and companies, businesses large and small, what would you say is a consistent lesson you have learned when it comes to marketing strategies? Understand what the client’s goal actually is. Many people want to continue to do the same thing over and over and in turn they don’t want to try new things. And conversely, many people try things for a short period of time and don’t stick it out. You have to determine your goal, create a plan, and stick with it. How has advertising changed in the last 2 decades, in your opinion? your opinion? You used to be able to buy ads and distribute them to many at once. Over the past couple of decades, that’s really changed. Now you have to be everywhere. On social, google business, web, partnerships and more. So you really need to be or have expertise in a myriad of fields, communications and tactics.

Dominique McGhee

As current experiences show, tumultuous times are sometimes inevitable - what advice would you give to small business owners facing hardship? small business owners facing hardship? It’s really important to not fall out of the public eye. I always point back to this New Yorker story that ran a decade or two ago: According to a New Yorker story that ran during the Great Recession, Kellogg won during the Great Depression, while everyone else (including their competitors) failed. In the late nineteen-twenties, two companies—Kellogg and Post—dominated the market for packaged cereal. It was still a relatively new market: ready-to-eat cereal had been around for decades, but Americans didn’t see it as a real alternative to oatmeal or cream of wheat until the twenties. So, when the Depression hit, no one knew what would happen to consumer demand. Post did the predictable thing: it reined in expenses and cut back on advertising. But Kellogg doubled its ad budget, moved aggressively into radio advertising, and heavily pushed its new cereal, Rice Krispies. (Snap, Crackle, and Pop first appeared in the thirties.) By 1933, even as the economy cratered, Kellogg’s profits had risen almost thirty per cent and it had become what it remains today: the industry’s dominant player. Where do you see the future of marketing? Obviously, we’ll all have to continually shift to keep up with emerging trends…. but really I think it’s about the customer's, or whomever you communicate with, experience. What are your customers or members or audience experiencing? And how do you make that experience better, easier, quicker, more fun… whatever the case may be.

OB E J CT IF IC AT iO N! 88

by Daniel Sher

Abuse. Rape. Racism. Genocide. Slavery. Yes, humans can be pretty atrocious to one another. How does one make sense of such cruelty?

When we contemplate the mistreatment of people by others, we often automatically revert to a kneejerk response, framing the perpetrators as being pure evil. But this doesn’t capture the full picture or help us understand that which links everyday thoughts and beliefs to actual hate crimes: objectification. In this article, we explore the objectification. psychology behind this subtle-yet-powerful phenomenon. Let’s break it down. To objectify is to think of a person or people in a way that strips them of their human qualities. As such, it involves seeing a person as a thing rather than a human. What makes objectification dangerous is that it often happens subtly and innocuously.

Consider, for example: The Sexualization of Women Have you ever seen a film, magazine or advertisement that draws attention to the female body? Now, this is not necessarily wrong in and of itself. The problem with images that sexualize female bodies is that they promote the idea that women are commodities. The body of a human is an inherently beautiful thing that deserves appreciation - but it should never be divorced from their lived experience! Regrettably, men all around the world have shown themselves unwilling to treat women with respect and dignity. Fortunately, however, not all people are passive when it comes to the objectification of women. As evidence: we have all been rocked by recent social movements, such as #MeToo and Eve Ensler’s #OneBillionRising. Both initiatives have sought to address gender-based

violence - a scourge that has been enabled, in part, through the portrayal of women as sexualized objects. Let’s take a look at the neuropsychological process behind such sexualization. Our Brain on Objectification Brain based research shows that objectification happens via specific, interlinked cognitive processing systems. For example, when we use fMRI brain scanners to examine neural activity in people who are asked to engage in objectification, some pretty interesting patterns are revealed. For starters: when looking at a loved one, most people perceive that person as being a separate, autonomous human. In other words, the other is assumed to have their own thoughts and emotions. Recognizing another person in this way is associated with an activation of specific brain networks. During objectification, these brain networks are silent. Guess what gets activated instead? The prefrontal cortex. This is the same brain network that gets activated when a person uses an inanimate object (such as a power tool) in a utilitarian manner. In a similar vein, brainbased research has explored the link between empathy and objectification. So, while objectification involves denying a person their humanity, empathy is the act of recognizing and affirming that which makes a person human. Recently, researchers found that the brain areas responsible for empathy were activated less in people looking at scantily clad women, versus women who were more substantially dressed. What is ‘Self Objectification’? While it seems fairly obvious that most humans are

capable of objectifying others, it is a lesser known fact that an ethos of objectification can also affect the way that we perceive ourselves. For exmaple, rape culture perpetuates the notion that women are sexual objects. Women too may end up, unintentionally, seeing themselves as objects. What are the psychological effects of seeing oneself as a thing, rather than human? The Impact of Self-Objectification Research exploring the impact of self-objectification has linked this trend to a host of poor psychological outcomes. These effects range from depression and anxiety to self-harm, addiction and eating disorders. A person who is robbed of their humanity in this way is likely to carry a deep sense of inadequacy and selfloathing. As one would imagine, self-objectification can have a devastating effect on a person’s self-esteem. Beyond the direct psychological impact, however: women who are led to believe that they exist in order to fulfill the needs of others (sexual or otherwise) are often rendered vulnerable to abuse. Where to Go From Here ? Thanks to developments in neuroscientific technology, we now are better equipped to understand the psychological mechanisms behind objectification. This has helped us to realize that objectification can happen in subtle and insidious ways: often, we are not even aware of thinking in this way. Unfortunately, media and advertising industries are well aware of the human tendency to objectify: they do not hesitate to exploit this fact for financial gain. Ultimately, we need to fight this by striving to honor that which makes us truly human: the capacity to recognize and respect the humanity of others.

Why do we touch our faces so much? 94

P h o to by Pro m e te u s

Keeping Our Hands Away From Our Faces to Limit Illness!

Many in media and social media and in conversations say, "Well, simple enough, just keep your hands off your face!" From officials to clinicians... making that announcement while 'unconsciously' touching their faces! That is because touching our face is not simply about itchy skin, or having a random personal habit. Touching our face and hair and body is embedded in our evolution, in how we communicate socially - with each other, and even, with ourselves. Most research seems to agree that we touch our face anywhere from 16 to 26 times per hour when research focused solely on physicians, who are better trained at keeping their hands away from their faces, they still did it about 9 times per hour - and medical students reached for their faces 23 times an hour! This may be because med-students are highly stressed out.

Touching our face has self-soothing properties.

We are all familiar with this behavior - touching our forehead, lips or ear, our chin, when nervous, or anxious, or even excited.

Research shows that random face-touching has stress reducing effects for us - this in essence can create a conflict of interest - immediate calming effects vs. long term potential harm. And, because spontaneous face-touching helps us with stress regulation and also with memory formation, it is a complex behavior to change.

Face-touching is part of our universal language.

We are social beings and even those of us less prone to socializing, still use the ability to communicate with others to varying degrees. We communicate with others and our environment through verbal and physical language - and facetouching often takes part in both. Face-touching communicates to others that we are aware of ourselves and of our space, it can be a way of establishing a non-verbal boundary. At a global level it has also become a language for us: you can be almost anywhere in the world and if you put your hand to your mouth, palm facing you, while raising your eyebrows, they will likely understand that you are trying to communicate shock or surprise! Blowing a kiss is well understood everywhere. Slowly touching our lips, ear, or hair is part of the international language of love and seduction.

So - "just don't touch your face" is a complex ask, but understanding the root of this complexity can help bring about clarity, patience, and the ability to make the needed changes. Chances are, we cannot go from 20 touches per hour to 0 in a day. Nor do we need the pressure of such stress. But, we can reduce and eventually minimize the behavior in a manageable way.

If you are trying to reduce face-touching, for any reason, keep these few things in mind: • Observe yourself for a period to learn how you face-touch and become aware of your own personal pattern. • Focus on what you want to do with your hands, not what you don't want. Think "Keep my hands in my pockets or keep my hands by my side..." and not "don't touch my face."

• Initially categorize where you are and the level of vigilance needed. When in a grocery store, you may need to be more aware and careful, than when staying home for example. In higher danger zones - be mindful, concentrate, relax your body, and focus on task needing accomplishing, minimize socializing during those times because it is more difficult to keep hands off your face when otherwise distracted by social communication. • Do not get frustrated if you slip up and do touch your face, it's not easy going against a behavior so embedded in our psyche and our evolution. • Remember it is about approximation, if you are reducing the face-touching, then you are moving in the right direction.

• Keep washing your hands to minimize impact for those times you do touch your face. • Give yourself a little reward as you move in the right direction of reducing your face-touching habits... acknowledge your brain's ability to adjust to your new circumstances. • For some, wearing a unique or bright bracelet or ring, that you mentally and actively associate with keeping hands down can be a reminder... and help reduce the unwanted behavior. • Become aware of your physical body, your arms and how they feel staying down by your sides, relax your body and try to relax your mind because tension does not help.

There is

a b.it of

psychology

in everything we do.

CLEAN KOREAN SKINCARE 7 days to better skin

a loi s i a b e au t y. c om

WHAT IS CO HOUSING and how does it work?

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Co-housing refers to an intentional community Co-housing of private homes or units clustered around a common area. Each single family unit or attached condo has its private traditional amenities, including private kitchen, laundry etc – however, units typically share some common areas including a common house where the community often gets together for meals, and socializing. In addition, community members may share gardens, walkways, outdoor space but also everyone shares resources – like tools, knowledge, and time! The term originated in Denmark in the 60s and the idea behind co-housing is to increase interaction among neighbors and create closer bonds in communities where everyone can benefit from shared social, economic, and environmental support – something that can be life changing for those most vulnerable within society. Such communities find it easier to form networks, to find support such as child care or elder care, to quickly organize carpools, or to get help if they get sick, all the things that can become problematic especially for those with limited incomes or limited social support. This co-housing concept was first introduced in North America in an architectural book by architects Kathryn McCamant and Charles Durrett. And, the first cohousing community was constructed in Davis, California – but now there are over 160 cohousing communities in at least 25 states – and another 120+ developments

currently in the making. Most cohousing communities across the globe are intergenerational where children, young families and elders live together and interact. However, there are a number of communities dedicated to those 50 and older, or women-only communities. As the number of these cohousing developments increases so will the specific groups they cater to – although, many see the intergenerational aspect of these communities to be a positive and important aspect of why they seem to work so well for so many different people. Cohousing developments differ from standard condominiums because with cohousing properties the development is designed by, and with input from the future residents – and it is built with its environment in mind. The design usually emphasizes and consciously promotes social interaction among its members. So that the common areas and facilities are based on the needs and wants of its residents, rather than on what a developer decides to build. Overall, all of this creates a low turnover in cohousing developments, and residents and families remain long term, often with long waiting lists filled with names waiting for units to become available! Cohousing is not for everyone. For some people, it’s nice to chat with a neighbor on occasion, but sharing space and communal activities would simply be too much. However, for those who crave that type of involved and close-knit connection with their more immediate community, or those who could benefit from the social and financial support - cohousing can be a great option. Having a strong and involved network can make life a bit easier for some, like a team to support them in creating a happier life.

P h o to by CO N R A DO

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all the ways in which we b.ehave

the b. quarterly

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the b. quarterly