The Inescapable Growing Pains of Life

Written by: Andrea Lauritsen Graphic and Design by: Emily Snisarenko

At times, we define the absent feeling of belonging, regarding people, places, and intangible moments of life, as a calamity. Some thoughts and questions running through our minds during this longevity of confusion might include and are not limited to: “Why do I feel as if I’ve lost all connection with this person? Why does this place no longer serve me the way it once did? Why do a handful of memories not bring me the same joy and peace they once used to?” Additionally, society has proudly proclaimed the apocryphal belief that when something does not stay, it must be due to our own wrongdoings. That is not true. The three components that make us who we are (body, heart, and mind space) work in unison to make us the embodiment of the authentic person we are today, the person that we are meant to be at any given time, no matter who or what enters or leaves our life.

For all intents and purposes, when we meet new people and discover new interests, we open more space for growth to take place. It can be compared to the physical process of growth in which our bones and muscles expand to help us become stronger individuals. However, ever so often, this development can sometimes feel painful because the exterior of our bodies is not aligned with the internal work our bodies are doing. Yet, this is a widely known phenomenon and when humans go through such rigmarole, we often refer to it as “growing pains.” However, we haven’t truly established a word to define the similar process in which the other two components that make us who we are go through. It is important to validate all the processes that make us who we are—especially the ones that are not talked about enough, such as the emotional growing pains residing in the heart and mind. Although these processes are inescapable, there are ways to navigate these complex feelings.

First, we should give credit where credit is due. It is not always easy to look back on the people, places, and memories you outgrew! Sometimes, these pieces of our lives helped shape us to be the person we currently are today. Acknowledging that reality and appreciating it for what it’s worth is oftentimes a challenge. For instance, do you ever feel like you no longer click with that lifelong friend you had since high school? And then you proceed to think, “Huh, I wonder why things just don’t feel the same anymore. We have always been on good terms, but the relationship doesn’t feel like it once used to.” In times like these, you are recognizing that there is some sort of change. Even if you are unable to figure out what it is right away, you are doing one of the hardest things—recognizing and not blaming. You are not blaming yourself for doing something wrong and you are not beating yourself up for the dissimilarity between you and that friend. That is quite possibly the hardest part of navigating the growing pains that reside in the heart and mind. So, you should feel proud of yourself for getting that far!

It is so easy to blame ourselves for the changes that occur within relationships. If you are having a difficult time avoiding the guilt that sometimes comes along with these growing pains, think about how far you have come from the initial point you were in during that prior relationship. Often, you will notice that due to life events and or time, many things have changed. Returning to the previous example mentioned above, sometimes a relationship with a friend from high school may be different because you both entered new chapters of life like when you went to college for example. So, as a result, you end up meeting new people and finding new hobbies that make you feel like the best version of yourself—hobbies and interests that make you feel more like you. This transition may have been subtle, but when you allow yourself to look back in time, you realize how many things have changed and probably for the better. You wouldn’t expect a butterfly to fit into its old protective shell, would you? The ironic part about change is that it is the only constant in our life. If you think of the relationship in these terms, it makes it much easier to come to that realization that things have changed and accepting that change, while scary, is possible.

However, realization is only the first part of navigating the growing pains of the heart and mind. To reach the destination of closure, one must be proud of the progress he or she has made thus far. Write down a list of things you have accomplished recently. Whether it is big or small, write it down! Remember, oftentimes it is the so-called “little things” that are the hardest (i.e., starting a new routine due to the new school year, balancing extracurriculars and academics, etc.). Once you write a list of things down, begin to reflect. Reflecting looks different for everyone. Reflecting could mean asking yourself, “Why do I feel bad about these changes?” It could also mean honoring those accomplishments by doing something nice—an act of self-love (i.e., grabbing coffee at a local coffee shop instead of making it yourself). Reflecting could also exist in the form of meditation. Since reflection is different for everyone, there is no “right” or “wrong” way, it is all valid!

While realizing and reflecting are both important tools to restore the mental wounds that come with the inescapable growing pains, it is crucial to restore peace of mind by appreciating the beauty of the people, places, and memories one is currently fostering in one’s day to day now. Whether it is telling that friend who walks with you to your early morning class that you appreciate their company, or going out to brunch to celebrate the new friendships and memories you created with a group of people you met this year, make sure you are actively doing something to give thanks. By appreciating the good (new people, places, and memories), you will soon feel joy both in your mind and heart.

Changes in the various components of what makes us who we are can feel as if we are shedding old layers of skin and replacing them with new ones. Furthermore, the body, heart, and mind are all very fragile. It is vital to take care of yourself physically and mentally. When we are not feeling well in the components such as the heart and mind, it is important to realize and reflect. By doing so, we are doing ourselves right in the sense that we are properly giving ourselves the love we deserve in an effort to grow to continue to be our most authentic and genuine self.

By worrying less of the transformation of our pre-existing relationships, we can absorb the beauty in the ones we are currently fostering with the people around us. Change is inevitable and reminding yourself is no easy task. However, embrace who you are now. Embrace the changes that come with the new chapters of young adulthood. Honor yourself enough to give yourself that grace. Fleetwood Mac’s “Landslide” says, “I’ve been afraid of changing…cause I’ve built my life around you. But time makes you bolder.” Essentially, young adulthood has so many new elements that take time adjusting to. The inescapable growing pain of life is only one example. Hopefully, with these tools, you can continue living your life as your most authentic self without sacrificing your physical and mental health.