Halloween issue

The Cabin On The Net

For the love of horror

Halloween Issue

Welcome back to the cabin Welcome one and all! What a month we have had. We are blown away by the people we have met this month, to the people who we feature and to new friends that have been made. Horror is the best community out there and we love being a part of it.

This month we got to go along to Bristol Horror Con and that was amazing, we have an interview in this issue with Tommy Creep who runs the show.

Stan’s back! And this time, will he survive ‘Would you rather?’ well read on to find out dear fiends.

Our wonderful Jack was not able to join us on this issue as he is preparing and showing his horror play ‘Much ado about Murder’ up at the Edinburgh horror fest, well done Jack! Do not fear though, this issue finds us with more amazing writers. Clarice and Charlotte. You’ll love them!

From all of us at the Cabin we wish you a Happy Halloween.

Cassandra Regan Editor.

We’ve got

our eye on

Zombie with a shotgun In this Zombie film, the zombie will be the hero and it will have others (zombies) to help on the war against the humans. The story follows Aaron who isn't sure if he is infected with the zombie virus or some other infection.

Follow the leader Three characters lose their senses of sight, hearing and speech. After waking up in an abandoned mall from the 90s, they realize they are not alone. Follow the Leader is a genre pushing horror/thriller that jumps in and out of the perspective of these three characters.

Preacher siz Preacher Six is a small-town preacher that is summoned to the big city where he ends up fighting evil in a literal sense! The characters that he meets along the journey are something special and unique! They could all have their own films made about them!

Interview Tommy Creep presents Tommy Creep is the man behind the

horror at Bristol Horror Con. We enjoyed ourselves so much at last year’s Con, we had to track Tommy down and get him to talk to us. He’s a very obliging guy and we couldn’t wait for this year’s Con either!

Are you a bit of a horror buff?

I wouldn't call myself an expert necessarily, I have my favourites from every decade and sub-genre of horror but i'm sure there are plenty of gaps in my knowledge!

People often ask me to recommend them horror films, usually meaning they want something modern with lots of jump-scares but i'm more of a bmovie kinda guy! Either that or people want something extreme but not too far beyond their limits; I've definitely learnt the hard way not to recommend A Serbian Film to anyone...

What made you decided ‘yep, I’m bringing horror to Bristol’ or what was your thought process?

Attending Scardiff Horror Expo as a trader selling horror music in cassettes, I got a good insight into how these things worked, so when they said they weren't going to do another, I figured that it could be a good opportunity to bring it to Bristol.

What was the most daunting thing when you launch the first Horror Con? Whether or not anyone would turn up!

I knew there would be a big enough audience to have an awesome day, based on the Scardiff turnout but it's always the main worry when putting on an event!

What do you love most about it?

Seeing so many horror fans together in one room on the day and seeing people getting excited about it online ahead of the event.

What would you say is the hardest thing when getting everything together?

Getting a good variety of traders, it would be easy to fill the room with authors and artists but I don't want to favour any particular type of media with BHC. People said I had a good mix last year and I think this year is even more varied so hopefully people will be pleased!

On the day of the horror Con what does your day consist of?

I usually rope in enough helpers so that I can wonder around making sure everything is running smoothly and all the traders and guests are happy.

What is your favourite part of the day?

‘The House of Screaming Death’ trailer.

Seeing everyone turn up in their costumes, it's really exciting when the doors open and the eager ones start coming in. Then relaxing in the pub after it's all over!

The con also boasted some epic horror panels, Horror in Literature and horror remakes. A horror quiz and the launch of Sick City Syndrome plus book readings which we enjoyed so much.

What if any advice would you offer someone who wanted to perhaps get in to the convention scene?

You got to listen to an exert of the book and then pop up stairs and buy the book. Very clever and why we were in the audience of one reading of author Peter Sutton for his debut novel ‘Sick City Syndrome’ published by Kensington Gore, he advised it was his idea for the horror readings. Mr Sutton thank you for that.

Think about what's going to make your event different to others. From the start I knew I didn't want BHC to be an expensive event where you have to pay £25 to get in then £50 on top just to meet someone. Some of the bigger comic cons have a quite a corporate, sterile feel, I wanted to avoid that and have a friendlier, community feel to it.

You can’t escape this question – everyone gets it I’m afraid. What is your favourite horror film?

Yeah that's a horrible question! (Ha Ha Ha) Either Ed Wood's Bride of the Monster, The Lost Boys or Vampire Girl Vs Frankenstein Girl.

We were super excited to attended this year’s Con and it didn’t disappoint.

While we kept a pretty low profile, just taking it all in and enjoying it as any other horror fan. We saw Tommy and his whole team dashing about, making sure things ran smoothly and we say fair play to them. There was so much going on and so many people they did an amazing job.

We were thrilled to be in the audience of the interview with Caroline Munro with Timon Singh. Timon is a natural interviewer and we were most defiantly in awe of him and star struck

by Caroline, who was so down to earth, friendly and warm.

Where to start with this year’s horror con?! Was it bigger and better than last year? It surely seemed to be. The place was packed with traders, actors and actresses, artists and of course the horror loving public. The cosplay from the public was amazing and the atmosphere was alive.

What we really loved about the Con more than anything was its sense of community and the independent love that was going around. It was amazing to see such talent in one room and quite a privilege to be in the same room with them all.

It introduced us to some wicked people and some old friends.

They had film viewings nearly all through the day, including Emma Dark’s ‘Seize the night’, The Prey and

We just wished there was more of us so we can have been in more places at once! We cannot wait for next year.

CLOWNING ABOUT

By Clarice Taylor

So, unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past month, you must have either spotted (or at least heard about) the latest creepy phenomenon to sweep the nation: dressing up as a clown, lurking about on street corners and frightening the bejesus out of passers-by. This trend has taken both America and the UK by storm, with videos and headlines of clown-related incidents becoming a daily event. So popular is this trend, clowns could easily be considered the new hipster…

However, if you’re a sufferer of Coulrophobia (fear of clowns), there’s one phrase you don’t want to see trending on your Facebook page: killer clown craze.

The psychiatric reasoning behind the fear of clowns delves into childhood fears of lack of recognition within something that appears to be human, but also something other. Also, clownish behaviour can be considered ‘anti-social’ (especially in October 2016 it would seem), which is said to create waves of anxiety within children who are exposed to clowns. But the bottom line is, clowns are creepy no matter what your age. Coulrophobia is almost as common as regular-Joe phobias, such as acrophobia (fear of heights) and arachnophobia (fear of spiders).

But with the clown thing, it could be suggested that popular culture has played a large role in this fear.

Quite where this ridiculous recent fad has come from, who knows. But these creepy (and often knife/baseball batwielding) idiots have been popping up like daisies on both sides of the pond.

We’ve all seen the occasional and extremely satisfying videos of vigilante justice on a clown who picked on the wrong dude and winds up with his arse in a sling. Just in time for Halloween, we take a look into this terrifying (and frankly extremely unfunny) individual known as the clown, and the popular clowns of Western culture that have traumatised our childhoods…

PENNYWISE THE CLOWN

“You all taste so much better when you’re afraid” The Don Corleone of clowns arguably has to be the creation from the master of horror better known as Stephen King. Again, unless you’ve been living under a rock, you will be familiar with either the book or the TV mini-series adaptation of It. The 1986 novel that reached right for the jugular of the fear of clowns and gave it a good twist. For those not familiar though, the story follows a group of 1950s kids in the small, fictional town of Derry, Maine, who find themselves on the wrong side of a murderous entity (the kids call it “It” because no one knows

just quite what “It” is) that terrorises their small town and plans to pick off all the children who inhabit Derry in various and sadistic ways. One of the guises It takes is that of Pennywise the Clown (sometimes known as Bob – you can’t make this stuff up), who was played in the TV adaptation beautifully by the sublime Tim Curry. Pennywise is a blood-lusting, yellow-toothed, limp-ripping maniac. Clowns are supposed to be funny. Unfortunately, for the kids of Derry (and every hapless King fan), Pennywise is not.

Those familiar will remember the infamous “they all float down here, Georgie” scene, and may have spent considerable time afterwards taking pains not to look directly at street drains on rainy days. Seeing rogue balloons floating about may also provide some Vietnam-style flashbacks too. Coulrophobe or not; Pennywise was a creepy mofo. His one redeeming quality, however, is that he is fictional.

Which brings us to our next candidate…

POGO THE CLOWN “I should have never been convicted of

anything more serious than running a cemetery without a licence…” … Who, unfortunately was far from the product of the inner workings of a horror mastermind. Known to some as the harmless Pogo the Clown: children’s party entertainer, but known to many others as John Wayne Gacy: one of America’s most prolific and successful (in terms of body count) serial killers.

Known as the Killer Clown, Gacy raped and murdered up to thirty-three boys throughout the 1970s, and turning his Illinois home into a makeshift tomb before being caught, convicted and executed in 1994, after a fourteen year stint on death row.

Hailing from an abusive home, Gacy was often beaten and tormented by his father, often without any provocation, and also experienced bullying at school as a result of being overweight and unathletic. One of his first jobs was in a morgue, which he later confessed to frequenting after dark and climbing into the coffins of deceased teenager boys and ‘embracing and caressing’ the bodies.

Not weird at all then.

Gacy then became an active member of the local Democratic Party, in which he dressed as a clown to occupy the children whilst at fundraiser events. He self-applied his own makeup, deliberately making the lips into a large smile, so as ‘not to scare the children’. I think it’s safe to say he probably failed in that department.

There seems to be a bit of a theme running here: clowns and children don’t mix. So in keeping with this theme….

THE GIT FROM POLTERGEIST This probably isn’t his real name. I don’t know what his real name is. I don’t much care. He isn’t even a living, breathing entity, but sinister and murderous nonetheless. He’s only about two feet tall, so one would think all one would need to do is give him a

good swift kick if he tried to pull any shenaniganery and that would be that, right? Wrong.

Before it all goes Pete Tong in Poltergeist, the shot of the smiling wooden clown sat on the chair in the little boy’s room supposedly minding his own business just spelled out trouble from day one. United was the feeling among movie-goers that this clown wasn’t just going to sit back and be a spectator during all the ghostly goings-ons soon to come. No. He wanted to be the star of the show!

The camera is on me, baby. I somehow wound up watching the original Poltergeist when I was very young and from then and (and maybe still to this day…) was not a fan of beds with gaps underneath them. Who know what could be lurking beneath?

Even as a rational, bill-paying adult – not a fan. Those types of beds just have a sinister nostalgia attached to them, and this deranged toy clown has a lot to answer for that. And who knows, in October 2016 – there might just be a real one under there…

RONALD MCDONALD

“Fries with that?”

Ahhhh, the posterchild of obesity.

Certainly not as sinister as his contemporaries, but deserves an honourable mention anyway. Clowns are creepy. Ronald McDonald is a clown. End of story.

THE JOKER, BATMAN

“Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?”

Before Chris Nolan sunk his teeth into the Batman franchise, back in the eighties our good friend Tim Burton had a pretty good pop at it too. The brainchild villain of this gothic (if not slightly camp) attempt was of course Jack Nicholson. Jack Nicholson wreaking havoc through Gotham to a soundtrack made up entirely of Prince.

Hard not to be a little tickled by that.

In the 1989 film, Jack Nicholson gave us Jack Napier: a local gangster who wound up getting pushed into a huge vat of chemicals, not killing him but leaving him with a deranged grin burned into his face. He sets about bringing down his nemesis (Batman, obvs) whilst trying to win the affections of Gotham journalist, Vicky Vale (who is, conveniently, Batman’s bae) as well as trying to massacre the entire populace of the city. Busy guy.

Prone to dancing, wise cracking and bursts of gleeful cackling, Nicholson’s version of the Joker is more like someone’s slightly sociopathic uncle who has somehow managed to ingest vast quantities of methamphetamines and decides to go on the rampage one night. A different and much less cold and calculating version of this next guy…

THE JOKER, DARK KNIGHT

Slaughter is the best medicine….

The delectable and gone-too-soon Heath Ledger put an unforgettable spin on the famous Bob Kane clown with this unnamed version of the Joker. This version – possibly the darkest and cruellest of them yet – seemed to appear in Gotham with

limited origin and background. Just some scarred maniac who shows up one day to rip the town a new one and sadistically kill any fool how stands in his way. Prone to telling porkie-pies (it’s never clear how he winds up with his scars – he tells everyone a different version). The general vibe is that somewhere along the way, something went horribly wrong in his life and he decided to make everyone in Gotham foot the bill for it. The first scene starts with him, almost ironically, wearing a clown mask to disguise himself during a bank robbery. A clown within a clown, if you will. If the rumour of this clown craze climaxing on Halloween night with ‘killer clowns’ running rampant everywhere, this is one clown you don’t wanna meet. The Lad Bible post a lot of videos along the lines of ‘clown tries to scare this person and it backfires’. Yeah, that won’t be you if you try some vigilante justice on this fella.

HONOURABLE MENTIONS:

Bozo the Clown – fictitious character created in the 1940s in America. Recently immortalised by Robert De Niro as his idea of what Donald Trump

Krusty the Clown – Loveable regular on The Simpsons. Real name: Herschel Shmoikel Pinchas Yerucham Krustofsky. Not even joking.

Insane Clown Posse – Someone said the words “clowns that rap” to some music producer one day and he was absolutely all over that. The rest, as they say, was history.

Killjoy – Demonic clown from the film of the same name. Nasty bit of work. Lives up to his name.

©Clarice Taylor

Interview

A Conversation with Actor Kyle Hester

By Charlotte Vanwinkle

Recently I had the chance to talk to Kyle Hester. Who might that be, you wonder? Let me tell you about him, and then your eyes will be opened.

An American actor, Kyle Hester was in the U.S. movie “Andersonville,” a film by John Frakenhammer about the Confederate run prison camp during the Civil War. A most brutal place, not many survived. Mr. Hester could also be categorized as a “character actor.” I despise that term. He’s a damn good actor. He is helping to keep the art of independent film alive.

His most recent finished project is “The Chair,” based on the graphic novel by Peter Simeti, who wrote the story and characters, with Erin Kohut writing the screenplay. This was an indie film project, on Kickstarter. Funded by all the good people who like to see a good story come to the screen. In addition to Kyle Hester, who played a sadistic prison guard Bowen, this was also Roddy Piper’s last film role, as another guard, Murphy. On working with Roddy Piper, Kyle had this to say: “Roddy Piper was a super talent. Above and beyond that, a terrific person. He called his wife from the set—a genuine person and a nice man.” “The Chair was a quick shoot— only two weeks.” Since there were no prison sets that would accommodate the shoot, the sets were built. Kyle, who has built miniatures for sets before, built the set on a sound stage. There were no “magical” green screens for this shoot…it was all practical effects. That is one thing that makes this film special. “The Chair” is in limited release across the United States. The story is beautifully told, and yes, horror can be beautiful. How do you combat man’s inhumanity to man? Watch “The Chair,” then see if you can answer my question.

Kyle on indie films: “The play’s the thing. You do the best you can with what you have. No matter if you have one million, two hundred thousand or fifty thousand dollars, “The play’s the thing.” His newest project is an Indiegogofunded movie called “Preacher Six.” The screen play was written by his talented wife, Tracy Ray, and directed by the very talented Grady Earls. This will be another quick shoot, he told me, as they are shooting for 75,000.00 on Indiegogo. This might seem

like a lot to most, but in the film industry, it’s a mere drop in the bucket. Kyle told me how “Preacher Six” came about: Tracy and Kyle were trying to find another project, bouncing ideas off each other. “Then she was around the house whispering, “ppprreeacchherr.” It was really creepy and I was like what the hell is that?

And that’s how it started.” There’s going to be some demon killing, but Kyle was skirting around telling me exactly what the film is about. He’ll be playing Preacher Six. “Preacher Six” has some wonderful art work. Kyle: “All the graphics are done by the director Grady Earls.”

“Zombie with a Shot Gun.” Written and directed by Hilton Ariel Ruiz, also on Indiegogo, also starring Kyle as Hank Ray. This is not your typical zombie movie. Following Aaron, who’s been infected with who knows what, travels with his girlfriend Rachel trying to find help…..fund this project so we can see what Aaron’s looking for.

Kyle has a production company, Our Production Company (no, I did not make that name up), and he has several projects coming up. My, that man can keep secrets…perhaps a very dark musical, to put his dancing talents to use? We shall all have to wait and see.

The reason for this talk with Kyle was the importance of independent films. This is what he told me: “A creative venue for the people that is passionate, where all the magic happens. Without all the (big studio) politics involved. It’s where the art starts and we have the freedom to make a film. There’s nothing stopping you from putting your film out there, the way that it is, the way you want people to see it. The way you feel will be the most entertaining without the bean counters. It’s the place where the magic happens. A friend told me you do one for you and one for them. One to pay the bills, with a big budget, and one for the creativity and magic of film.”

How can you help keep independent film living and breathing? I’ll let Kyle tell you: “It’s so important to really continue these things—pre-order the film, get a signed poster or your name in the credits. Because ultimately, without this kind of involvement, these things don’t happen. Like Roddy Piper’s last film, “The Chair,” would not have happened without Kickstarter. (They’re) All original films—like “Preacher Six” is all original, but the characters and stories are all original but it’s just as good as what Marvel has coming out.”

Who on the independent circuit would Kyle like to work with? I asked about writer director Harrison Smith, of “Death House” fame. “Hell yeah!!” So, Mr. Smith, if see this, which I hope you will…I’ve got a guy I’d like you to meet.

What’s the take away from my talk with Kyle Hester? Support indie film. It’s the life blood of what the big film industry is built on. It brings “character actors” into the spotlight. You can tell the story the way you feel it should be told. *YOU* can actually be a part of the film.

Please support “Preacher Six” and “Zombie with a Shot Gun.” If you want to see “The Chair,” then make your voice heard. Let’s get together and bring “the Chair” to the UK. Let’s get together and make “Preacher Six” and “Zombie with a Shot Gun” on Indiegogo. https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/preacher-six-horror#/ - Preacher Six – Indiegogo https://www.gofundme.com/zombiewithashotgun - Zombie with a shotgun – Go fund me

Building an Army

By Charlotte Vanwinkle

Once upon a time, there was a family. Not an ordinary family by any means. Dinner talk would usually consist of talk about one of Cthulhu’s many monsters. No, I am not talking about “The Addams Family.” This is your typical family: Mother, Father, son and a three-year-old daughter. The daughter, let’s call her Lilith, shall we?

Lilith is quiet the little groomer. You see, Lilith loves monsters. Her favorite, a stuffed werewolf was very carefully groomed.

This is how Lilith tames her monsters: She notices the werewolf. Lilith will get her father to hold her close to the toy as she silently inspects it. This takes place over a matter of days. The she’ll court the creature

by

petting it, speaking friendly to it. She then gets Dad to set it on the floor, but only for a few minutes. Once Lilith feels the monster is properly habituated to humans handling it does she allow herself to play with it. The monster Lilith is currently grooming is the Cthulhu Gug. Her father calls her “The Jane Goodall of Monster toys.”

While Lilith might remind some of Wednesday Addams, she much more well-adjusted than Wednesday. But, Lilith may very well have her own little agenda. It seems she’s building an army. What control does she have? Not many can tame monsters, and her grooming of them is spot on. I fully expect to hear of Lilith’s monster army rising at any moment. It frightens me a bit…and it should scare the hell out of you. This is based on a true story, folks, so keep those nightlights on. I would also like to give a great big shout out to @IWriteMonsters for the idea planted and the flower that grew from that.

Can Stan survive…Would you Rather?

So we’ve done 3 Saw movies. There are 4 more left but I felt like taking a break in the middle to give everyone a bit of time to let the first 3 sink in. That is why, for this halloween issue, I am going to be covering a movie that you can watch on Netflix (I think, it was there not too long ago), a film that offers you choices that you then have to decide which you would prefer. That’s right I’m covering Would You Rather or as I would have titled it – Choices that you have to decide which you would prefer.

We’ve all played Would you rather. Things like would you rather be able to turn invisible or be able to fly? I would take flight because it will help cut down on commuting times. I’m not taking these powers for anything more than my convenience, I’m not going to commit crimes or save people. Not really sure where I’m going with this. Would You Rather, the film, is a horror movie about a group of people lured to a rich guys house and forced to play a game of would you rather for real. The scenarios are more intense and painful than your standard, everyday game though. So as with the Saw movies, let’s imagine I’ve been lured to this house and am forced to play, although I am essentially playing every character who is in the game.

Would you rather eat a delicious looking steak and gain $10000 or stick to your principles as a vegetarian?

Ok so this one is kind of cheating. I’m not a vegetarian, have never really been close to becoming a vegetarian. My Instagram is @meatbeerd (shameless plug, go follow me I post infrequently due to losing a phone then breaking one 3 weeks later.) I love meat and steak is one of the best ways to have meat. Also I’m getting money to eat it. I do believe in sticking to your principles though.

I would rather: Eat a delicious steak and gain $10000, obviously. A nice easy one to start off with.

Would you rather drink an entire decanter of scotch and get $50000 or stay on the road to recovery?

I don’t think I physically could down an entire decanter of scotch. Don’t get me wrong I do like my scotch every now and then and $50000 is a lot of money but that’s a lot of drink I think the thing that would stop me is at this point the game has not technically started so I can decline and when playing the actual game not be totally hammered.

I would rather: Stay on the road to recovery and not be absolutely hammered for the serious portion of the game.

Would you rather give yourself an electric shock or shock someone else?

An electric shock machine is brought in and I have to decide whether I would accept an electric shock or would rather give one to one of the other people around the table. Now without getting in to all the characters in the film that make this decision more difficult with all the personalities and vulnerabilities I know what I am going to do.

I would rather: Have someone else be shocked. Everyone survives this anyway and I’m no stranger to sticking my tongue on a battery for a lark but this is would you rather and I would rather not be shocked.

Would you rather stab someone with an ice pick or have Travis whipped with a sjambok?

Bloody Travis! He insulted one of the people running this little party so now the game takes a turn. I wouldn’t really want to stab anyone but I also wouldn’t really want to whip someone with a sjambok, which is a crazy heavy leather whip made from rhino hide. If it’s just the one round of whipping then I would go for that but that’s not the case. Everyone could choose the whipping. The ice pick is thin and as long as you stab somewhere sensible I think you can do it without seriously injuring the person.

I would rather: Stab someone with an ice pick. Purely because I think it would be less dangerous if I chose a good stab place.

Each of the next 4 are being dunked in a barrel of water or something else which you don’t actually know before hand except I’m pretending I do because I can. I’m going to take them each one by one but honestly they might all be coming out the same.

Would you rather be dunked in a barrel of water for 2 minutes or light a firecracker in your hand?

If anything this is the one which is arguably the most difficult to decide. Holding my breath for 2 minutes isn’t going to be an easy task, I just sat here and managed just over a minute. Being dunked in water would cause more stress but even if I pass out as long as I am taken out at 2 minutes I could handle it. A firecracker in the hand would no doubt destroy my hand but I would hazard that I could survive minus one hand.

I would rather: I’m going to go with the water dunking with this one. I reckon I can do it.

Would you rather be dunked in a barrel of water for 2 minutes or slit one of your eyes open?

Hear me out. NO! Hear me out. Slicing your eye would be awful. Like truly awful, and painful. Just thinking about it makes my eyes want to water and then they do what they want and water. After saying that though, you will survive it. I’m 50/50 on the water but the eye slice I reckon 9 times out of 10 you survive. That 1 time is through shock or something.

I would rather: Eye slice every day of the damn week.

Would you rather be dunked in a barrel of water for 2 minutes or have all your teeth extracted?

Again, probably another one I could survive. Although again, really bloody painful and bloody. Once you win the game overall which you might you could have all new teeth fitted with the prize money though. I think I’ve said all I can about the water dunking.

I would rather: Teeth extraction. Get some gold in the grill once I win.

Would you rather be dunked in a barrel of water for 2 minutes or be dunked in a barrel of water for 4 minutes?

Do I even really need to discuss this? No. I would rather: Be dunked in water for 2 minutes. Obviously.

Would you rather shoot the other remaining contestant or spare him and both walk away with nothing?

Look, I’ve been through a lot in order to win this money. More than just the would you rathers that I’ve gone over. Still it’s taking another’s life. He is explaining why he should be spared. I could use a lot of money but still.

I would rather: I’m going to walk away with my head held high and spare the guy.

So I hope you enjoyed the different film for this spooooky month of Halloween. I will go back to Saw 4 next month and then maybe Saw 5 and then a break? You don’t need to know any of this.

Check out the rest of the issue. I have a guide to surviving Halloween which is pretty good and either before or after this article. Also, we’ve got the VS bad film style which is again before or after. I’m not in charge of the way it’s put together. It’s all great though.

By Stan Williams

TRIVA, darlings…

After Iris makes a run for the door, Bevans' silhouette is seen. It appears to be a homage to the infamous director and writer, Alfred Hitchcock, and his even more infamous silhouette, which would appear before his pictures and (later) on DVD boxes IMDB Trivia

Halloween Night

by Sandro D. Fossemò Translation - Luca Palantrani Art by: Luciano Astolfi

The dead await in silence the Hell's party! ...

Dazzling ponds lurk on the ground, like mirrors

The Midnight

for skulls.

follows thrilled, in the city of dream.

The shadow of the witch roams furtively,

The pumpkins flash

in the digital dark.

in the dark, in cobwebs

Full moon

and crystals of light.

is a charming bulb, lit by devil!...

My dear demonic night, come to show

Skeletons lead

the cruel masks

ducal coaches,

of the soul! ...

on roads cursed by black cats.

The Cathedrals sleep across old stones.

Beloved night! ...

You who are magical,

Orchestres of ghosts

you who are eternal,

dance in cemeteries.

enchant the automata, under your mantle of stars...

Synthetic vampires wander in towers simulacra.

Now or never more!

Interview C L Raven C L Raven are identical twins from Cardiff who love all things horror. They write short stories, novels and articles for Haunted Magazine and have been published in various anthologies and horror magazines. They were at Bristol Horror Con this year reading an extract from Deadly Reflections their new ghost stories collection.

We caught up with the twins and put some questions to them.

What got you started on your love of horror? And did that lead to you naturally wanting to write it?

We’ve just always loved horror. We were morbid children. We grew up watching Blood Beach and Snowbeast. One of our prominent childhood memories is trying to pause the VHS tape on the split second you see Snowbeast’s face. We desperately wanted to see the monster! We never succeeded until we bought it on DVD as adults. Horror was always our favourite type of films. We were never into Disney, although we loved Care Bears, but we’d use our Care Bear stare to ‘destroy’ random children we’d taken a dislike to.

We think the message of those films was lost on us. So when we started writing, aged 9, it was horror. Our poor teachers had to read about people being dismembered with their body parts displayed artistically, complete with terrible drawings and lots of blood. Our writing has improved, our drawings have not. Nowadays they’d call in a psychologist. In the ‘80s, we were ‘creative’ and ‘imaginative’. We were

either going to grow up to be writers or serial killers. Our bank balances tell us we picked the wrong one…

You certainly have an impressive collection of works. What has been your favourite story to date that you have written?

It changes all the time! Although we have 8 books published, we’ve written over 100 short stories and over 100 novels.

Sometimes we work on a piece so much that we hate it when it’s released. At the moment our favourites are two unpublished works, Bleeding Empire, about incredibly inept Horsemen of the Apocalypse and Silent Dawn, about a computer game character coming to life and stealing people’s sanities. She’s based on a made up legend that gets turned into a computer game character and as people play the game, she becomes stronger and players start disappearing. We’re hoping to release Silent Dawn this year. We were sad to release our plague doctor novella, The Malignant Dead because it meant we could no longer work on it. Though we do have a soft spot for our anti-Valentine’s collection, Romance is Dead. People love hearts on Valentine’s, so we thought we’d go all romantic and rip them out of men’s chests. (In the book. We haven’t yet practised this to see if it’s possible).

Though men are now too scared to date us! We thought it was our appearance that put them off. We’re glad to know it’s fear.

When writing what do you find to be the most difficult part of the process, if any?

The ending! We suck at endings. We never plan any story so we have no idea where it’s going and when it comes to the end we’re thinking ‘shit. Should have planned this.’ But we never do. That takes the fun out of writing! We start every story with ‘what the hell are we doing?’ then start writing. We often rewrite endings several times. We’ve also cheated and asked a friend to think up an ending for us. She also came up with one of the deaths in Deadly Reflections, our ghost story collection. Also, titles are our enemies. Some novels don’t get named until they’re finished. We usually end up stealing song titles from bands.

What advice would you give to a budding author who just can’t catch a break?

After an impressive 400 rejections over 8 years of being professional writers, our advice would be, don’t ever give up.

Seriously, don’t. Or we will find you. This is a hard, often soul-destroying job. It’s also the best job in the world. Apart from painting tattoos on Wentworth Miller…You have to love it. Don’t expect to get rich or famous. And get other people to read your work. We’ve learned a lot from one of our beta readers, Anya. We recently sold two pieces that we wrote back in 2009. It’s taken us this long to sell them but they’ll now be featured in anthologies. Also, rejection is objective. We had one novel that didn’t get anywhere in a competition and that same novel was longlisted in another. We once had 7 rejections in one week, followed by the two acceptances a few weeks later. Don’t be afraid to selfpublish. We do it and love every minute of it. We get to go to Horror Cons and sell face to face and have made many new fans from this. Just because editors may not want a piece of work, doesn’t mean readers won’t. So even if you have to

work other jobs to pay for the writing, don’t give it up. The world needs writers.

What type of horror do you love? To read and watch?

Any. All. We love gore, monsters, murderers, gruesome hilarious deaths. We also love the found footage films that most people seem to hate. Probably because this is our style of filming! All shaky cameras and staring at floors, sky, accidental arse shots. Ghosts are a particular favourite – we have a ghost hunting show, so this may be why! We have a particular love for bad horror movies. Especially shark ones. The worse the better. B Movies, we love. We have spent many evenings ruining our friends’ sanities by forcing them to watch terrible horror films with us. The more they hate it, the more enjoyable it is for us.

We started reading Stephen King and Dean Koontz at 12, but sadly don’t read a lot of modern horror as we find it’s lacking the key ingredient – horror. A lot of it seems very literary. All beautiful prose and not much else. Give us gruesome deaths!

Give us monsters, serial killers. We love serial killers and watch every documentary going. So we write the stuff we’d want to read. All our monsters are human. The Scooby Doo Gang were right.

I’ve been devouring your YouTube Show, Calamitville Horror. It’s so much fun to watch. How did it come about?

Oh wow, thank you so much! We’re always shocked when people say they love the show. Usually when someone says they’ve watched it, our response is “for the love of ghosts, why? We’re the worst ghost hunters out there!” We’re just idiots with cameras who get lost, piss about, abuse mannequins and never find any ghosts! A lot of paranormal investigators will sit in a darkened room for hours with their gadgets. We’re easily bored. We like to have fun with it. Plus if

we were ghosts, we’d go to the people having fun. Though they tend to steer clear of us. Maybe they don’t like our dancing…

Years ago, we wrote a novel about ghost hunters and decided that we should probably attempt it to give the book realism. We’ve done some bizarre things in the name of research. So we sat in a dark, haunted country lane, waiting for something to happen. It didn’t. But it was exciting. Then we saw cheap ghost hunting tickets online for an overnight ghost hunt in Ruthin Gaol in north Wales.

So we took a camera, got locked in a pitch black cell, loved it and went “let’s do a show.” Five years later we’re still taking cameras around going “let’s do our show.”

A lot of time, we’ll show up to places as tourists, because a lot of reported sightings are from tourists, and we’ll just start filming. Our show is like our books – unplanned. Our motto is “unscripted, uncensored, unprofessional and unashamed.” We rock up at a location we’ve researched and go “let’s see what happens.” Nothing, usually. But we get great interviews.

Has any of the places you’ve filmed at really freaked you out?

No, because living people scare us far more than dark, creepy buildings! We’ve slept in haunted jails, been to Alcatraz, got left alone in Paris’s catacombs and spent half an hour in a morgue fridge in an abandoned orphanage/hospital in Liverpool. Cat once saw a woman in Woodchester Mansion in Gloucestershire, looking out of a window then turning away. She thought it was a tourist but when we got inside, there were no floors up to the window, which was on the first floor. We’ve since learned many people have seen her. And in the Ancient Ram Inn, also Gloucestershire, Lynx heard loud footsteps leave Cat’s bedroom and walk across the landing then stop outside her room. She opened the door and there was no-one there. Cat was locked in. In

Bodmin Jail, we were in the abandoned naval wing and suggested splitting up. A male voice is heard on our digital voice recorder saying “careful.” We were a small group of 5 women. And we were alone.

We spent last Halloween in Edinburgh’s haunted vaults and each time we’ve gone there, something has happened. But that stuff makes us really excited.

Some people will experience tapping noises and declare it proof of paranormal activity. Think we’ve watched too many horror films. We sit there going “throw things at us. Punch us. Scratch us.” We want Hollywood style evidence! We need to remember films are not real.

What’s next for you?

We plan to release Silent Dawn this year, and hopefully Bleeding Empire next year (it’s still with a publisher so we can’t release it yet). We really want to turn some of our stories into graphic novels but even our stickmen drawings are embarrassing. We have some horror conventions lined up over the next few months, and we also plan to travel a lot more. Transylvania at Halloween (hopefully) and Venice for our birthday in February. There’s a haunted island called Poveglia off Venice where they built an asylum and sent plague victims to die. We recently went to Paris purely for the catacombs and Pere Lachaise cemetery.

We plan our holidays around the dead.

Not really into sunbathing and cocktails on a beach!

Are you excited about any up and coming horror novels or films at the moment?

We’re excited about the new Blair Witch and Death House, which has Kane Hodder in. We got to meet Kane Hodder recently.

We accidentally made dick jokes with him then strangled him. He was fabulous. He squeezed us tightly and wouldn’t let us go. And he has his own ghost hunting group. Any time we see a new horror film

release we get excited and won’t even watch the trailers, we’ll just go and see them. We have so many films to catch up on! Kinda excited about the remake of IT, but also not, because we watched the original when we were 8 and have had a lifelong fear of clowns since. Ghosts, haunted buildings, we’re fine with.

Clowns? No way in hell. A clown came to our table in Sheffield Horror Con in July.

We had to speak to him. It left us cold inside. Cold and dead. Like a clown’s heart.

What do you get up to on a day to day basis?

Walking our mischievous thieving Lurcher, Bandit, writing, napping, drink Red Bull, video editing Calamityville or our D&D sessions (yes, we’re major geeks. That has its own YouTube channel, Disaster Class), more napping, drinking Red Bull, bathing the iguana (not kidding), looking after our animal army – 5 cats, 1 dog, 2 rabbits, 1 iguana, 1 guinea pig, 1 snake and 1 duck. We also do three exercise classes in the evenings (Zumba, Fitbox and Kangoo. Goths doing Zumba is a funny image but we’re actually good at it).

We have regular Bad Movie Night or board game nights with friends. And ghost hunting every now and again. Our day to day lives are pretty boring! But our adventures are exciting. Mostly because they go wrong. So very, very wrong.

Accidentally exposing yourself in Paris thanks to badly placed air vents and ending up in the Seine kind of wrong.

What is your favourite horror film?

Ooh tough choice! We love Tucker and Dale vs Evil. It’s genius! We also love the Nightmare on Elm Street films. We met Robert Englund and he was amazing.

Friday the 13th films. Silent Hill (we have the siren as a ringtone and it terrifies everyone). Digging up the Marrow, Willow Creek. It’s hard to pick! We’re very indecisive! We love the hilarious deaths in the Final Destination films. We do like The

Conjuring and got it to watch it in a haunted mansion once. We’ve seen so many it’s hard remembering them all.

Snowbeast will always be special. You never forget your first ;) We were so excited to meet these amazing ladies at Bristol Horror Con and they are as nice as they appear. They chatted to us for quite a while and were so utterly engaging. Decked out in beautiful black outfits, they are a vision.

We also got to be in the crowd as they read exerts from their book which was amazing and we enjoyed it very much.

Thank you ladies for being part of the issue. Absolute pleasure to meet you both.

You can follow them on social media and buy their books from their website which is a treasure trove of horror and ghost goodness!

Support Indie Authors. https://clraven.wordpress.com/

Stanley’s Top Tips for surviving Halloween!

So you’ve all read my Would I survive series, most of

you probably 5-10 times per piece now. Any way you’ve seen how surprisingly well I have done at surviving in horror movies. You’re probably thinking “That’s all well and good Stan but do you have any tips that I could actually use? Ones for surviving Halloween maybe?” These tips are going to mix things that are definitely useful and tips that may help in some extenuating circumstance. The answer is yes and so without further ado let us delve in to…

1. Don’t overthink it When has overthinking ever been useful? Probably in science and maths and stuff but not at Halloween. I’m not saying don’t think about your costume or where you’re going but by overthinking you’re just going to ruin your night. Go with the flow a little bit. If you can’t get your costume just right then so be it. If you end up at a place you don’t like just have fun. If you’re having a quiet night watching movies then choose a movie and watch it, do not spend 5 hours trying to find something you want to watch because you’re just going to settle for something that you saw in the first 10 minutes anyway.

2. Put a bit of effort in So you’re not overthinking it but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t think at all. Oh you’re going as a guy who forgot his costume? Shut up! Go get a costume. You’re putting on a onesie with a couple of ears? That’s not a costume! That’s pyjamas. Other questions that have an angry retort! So go out there and buy a semi decent costume, it doesn’t have to be great but have a well thought out background with at least 3 full pages. If you’re having a movie night, get some decent snacks in, maybe bake some Halloween cookies.

Use the hashtag #cabinonthenet on Instagram to show us your costumes and I’ll give a prize for the best one.

3. Let yourself be scared It’s Halloween, you get no points for being brave. It’s a night for letting your hair down and giving in to your fears. Give in to them, the fears that you had when you were up late watching The Omen as a kid. Let yourself get scared again. Believe it’s that episode of Buffy when all the costumes become real. Immerse yourself in that film you’re watching, as long as it’s not one of the bad films we’ve written about in this issue. Get scared BABY!

4. Get the sweets in You don’t even need to live somewhere that kids are going to be trick or treating.

Everyone loves sweets. Also kids are menaces, I’ve heard that if you don’t have sweets on hand they will trick you. I’m not sure the nature of these tricks but I’m certainly not going to be brave enough to find out.

5. Always, ALWAYS carry some silver.

A silver bullet will kill a werewolf that we all know. Silver has a host of useful properties that can help at Halloween. It has been known to channel magical energies particularly well. It hurts more than just werewolves, in some mythology it also hurts vampires. It can ward off evil. It is also quite useful in the purchase of items. It’s a very versatile metal and it doesn’t hurt to keep some on you at all times.

6. If you are up against a monster, when it goes down make sure to finish the job!

We’ve all seen Zombieland and we all remember the rules. Double tap! That doesn’t just apply to zombies though. Almost all movie monsters or villains will get back up after you hit them down once. If you have got the monster cornered and down, keep going. Cut his head off.

7. If you think you see a monster, check it’s not a person before attacking.

This is going to combine and go against a couple of other points. Sure, I said let yourself be scared and pretend the monsters are real BUT because I said the finish the job above I thought I should clarify. Don’t just go attacking all monsters!! Make sure it really is a monster before cutting the head off. This is officially a disclaimer! Do not blame me for any of your actions on Halloween!

8. Keep your accessories simple, charged and sensible.

This one will help you whether you’re up against supernatural entity or just out on the town after a few too many white wine spritzers. Keep your phone charged up, people might need to get in touch with you and also the battery is always just running out in horror movies, you can beat that! Wear sensible shoes. You will no doubt fall over when running from a monster but the shoes will be key when getting to your feet and running again. The simple part is accessories always work best when kept simple, no practical reasons.

9. Be Safe.

Come on guys. I’m going to get real with you. Be safe, whether you are out fighting monsters or watching a film or drinking the night away. Just be sensible and don’t get in to a dangerous situation without the proper battle attire. We like you readers so don’t want anyone getting hurt.

10. Have fun.

That’s what it’s all about at the end of the day. Having fun whatever you decide to do.

Have a happy Halloween guys.

The Night of the Comet Ah what a gem I have found once again on the good old Netflix! Once again I am no doubt very late to the party as a quick search tells me this film is a cult classic. I can see why, it’s camp, it’s odd and it’s over the top and just plain fun!

Perhaps it’s because I’ve read “The day of the Triffids” and seen “Independence Day” that when all the people gathered outside to celebrate this amazing moment in history, I am shouting at them to get back inside, to cover their eyes (it does appear that only hiding inside a steel box would really do the trick) however not knowing this at the time, I yell all the same. I knew this film was for me when the “Evil Stepmother” punches her sixteen-year-old step daughter, sending her flying. That I was not expecting!

So who do we have? We have Regina, “Reggie” her sister Sam and for a while Reggie’s boyfriend Larry. All who aren’t turned to a beautiful shade of pink dust due to the comet or into a very nasty looking Zombie. Now from what I gathered from watching it and if I am wrong please tell me. If you are exposed long enough, you turn into a Zombie? I guess it also counts on the amount you are exposed too at once? I think that may explain why when Larry exits the cinema where he works and spent the night with Reggie (Go Larry! Woo!) a Zombie kills him, it’s been a few hours since the comet and we already have a zombie but others take longer to turn?

Yes, I may have talked myself out of a problem there, mystery solved.

Moving along. The sky is now full of a pink like smog that makes the whole place look red and pink and creepy. Reggie is one smart woman and soon fights to get away from a Zombie so she knows something is wrong pretty quickly. She makes it back to the family home where the evil step mother was hosting a comet party – as you do. On arriving she discovers that the party was still going, no one has tided up, tables and such are still on the lawn and then she discovered the little mounds of pink dust. Ah, that’s where everyone went.

Sam returns home after spending the night in a steel shed to escape the evil step mother. Sam takes a bit more convincing that something is wrong, it doesn’t take too long lucky. While that sort of back and forth is fun for a little bit its good not to overdo it and they don’t. Top stuff guys!

The girls make their way to the local radio station after hearing the disc jockey over the air waves, alas it is only a recording. The girls hold up there for a while and call out to any survives. Are there any survives?

But of course! Not only is a very young and very over the top Chakotay from Star Trek alive! He’s our love interest. Ah good. Was worried with the world ending where we find one. He plays Hector in the film. We also have a group of scientist, out in the middle of nowhere, who knew this was going to happen so they hid? But someone left the air ducts open so they all got contaminated anyway? But they’ve got to find a cure, they must look for survives. Confused? Yeah me too.

I found the films stalls a little here for a bit, Hector and Reggie hit If off. Sam has nightmares. Flirty and cute and blah and then Hector must go to see if his mum is ok and he leaves and the girls go shopping! Oh yeah, no money no problem! They hit the mall.

What follows is fun and upbeat, the girls get to play and forget that they are in a world like they have never known. They dance about in under garments, posh clothes and just have a great time dressing up but there is something more sinister going on as we see a store security camera pan to watch them. They are not alone.

They put up a bloody good fight and that is what I like to see! Girls who fight back so they get captured by three zombie stock boys, who I assume are not yet fully zombie as they are able to hold a conversation with the girls and toy with them rather than straight off kill them but do not fear the girls are saved by the scientist!

Hurrah! Or are they?

Reggie is taken back to the base while her sister stays behind with two scientists to wait for Hector but the idea is to kill Sam as she has been too exposed and will not be of any use to them back at the base. I was rather gutted to see Sam killed. Ah but don’t be fooled! (Well you won’t be now! She lives!) the disillusioned scientist doesn’t really kill her but she does kill herself but not before informing Hector of the what is going on.

Enter Cowboy Hector, yes mam! Oh and what a sight he is, I was howling. Hector and Sam race to the lab to find Reggie who is in fact about to become a link in the chain for the cure but she won’t be alive, oh no. She’ll be hooked up to a machine that drains her blood, her brain finished. Ah but our Reggie is a tricky character and does not go lightly, knowing something is amiss. She also is so kick arse she rescues two kids while she is at it.

Sam and Hector storm the lab, not before planting bombs in the scientist’s cars and recusing them. They run and are of course followed! These are they cure! Alas BOOM! And that’s the end of them and their cure finding methods. The odd family drive away into the night.

Finally, the rain comes and washing away all of the pink and the whole world is new again and Reggie and Hector become parents to the two children they rescued and teach them that to cross the road even if there is no one there but there is! A sharp looking and talking young man who sweeps a lonely Sam off her feet and together they drive away, happy as can be. All around happiness ensues.

We won’t mention what is the world going to now? What happens then the fuel runs out? Who is running the energy buildings and who is manning the food? So many questions but they don’t belong in this film. This film isn’t about putting the world right again it is just simply being.

I really enjoyed this film and its small budget of $700,000 (Small!) brought back $14.4 Million US. That is something to celebrate. I think it holds up well after time and the whole colouring of the film is fabulous. The spunky leads make it a great film to see women kicking arse and not waiting to be rescue. While I will say it is more sci-fi than horror, it has zombies so for that it’s in.

What do you think of this cult classic? Get in touch and let us know.

Video Production Services reddogproductions.co.uk

Dark Night Horrors As the dark nights begin to take hold and the weather conjures up a storm.

It’s time to retreat into the warmth and cosy up to the gas fire and flip through the pages of some old favourite terrifying stories that will hover at the edge of our mind as you turn page after page and as the night slips into the dawn. Your bones are stiff and your eyes wide with haunting images. Now the day is here you can sleep but in your dreams you are not alone.

I love a good book, horror is preference but not always and I rounded up a few of my favourites to share with you, this list is always subject to change as my reading pile is mounting as I type this, but for now enjoy and let us know your thoughts.

The Omen – David Seltzer Ah now this one I have read and oh it was magic. I first read it as a teenager and I remember very clearly launching the book across the room after reading the graveyard scene. I felt sick, as an adult I can now bare the book just fine but back then, nah.

Synopsis: In Rome, American diplomat Robert Thorn is in a hospital where his wife Katherine gives birth to a boy, who— he is told—dies moments after being born. Robert is convinced by the hospital chaplain, Father Spiletto, to

secretly adopt an orphan whose mother died at the same time. Robert agrees, but does not reveal to his wife that the child is not theirs.

The Long Walk – Richard Bachman (S.K) This one still haunts me. I picked up a book with several ‘shorts’ in it and this was one of them. I had no idea of the terror it held in its pages. I should have guessed given its author but I blindly went ahead and read it. I felt sick, terrified and it left me feeling disjointed with the world for several days after reading it.

Synopsis: On the first day of May, 100 teenage boys meet for a race known as "The Long Walk." If you break the rules, you get three warnings. If you exceed your limit, what happens is absolutely terrifying.

Blood Games – Richard Laymon Now I can’t say that I have read all of Richard’s books but out of the ones I have read, but this one is the one that stays with me. I found it sick, deprived and downright horrific! A job well done the Mr Laymon.

Synopsis: They meet for one week every year, five young women, best friends since college, in search of fun and thrills.

Each year they choose a different place for their reunion. This year it's

Helen's choice, and she chose the Totem Pole Lodge. Bad choice.

The Funhouse – Dean Koontz We know this isn’t everyone’s favourite Dean book but hell, I don’t care. I loved it, I read it over a weekend and found it disturbing, sadistic and fun.

My most vivid memory from the book is the girl being stuck on the Ferris wheel. That was a whole load of scary shit there. You won’t catch me on one.

Synopsis: Once there was a girl who ran away and joined a traveling carnival. She married a man she grew to hate--and gave birth to a child so monstrous that she killed it with her own hands.

Twenty-five years later, she has a new life and two normal children. But her past still haunts her--and now the carnival is coming back to town...

The Season of Passage – Christopher Pike How many teenage years did I send reading, collecting and re-reading Mr Pike’s books? All of them and then I found this book and the first time I read it, I only read half of the story. If you have the book you will know what I mean. Years later I went back and read it all and again and again. It’s one of my all-time favourites. Straight up hostel type of horror? No, haunting and commanding? Hell yeah.

Synopsis: Dr. Lauren Wagner was a celebrity.

She was involved with the most exciting adventure mankind had ever undertaken. The whole world admired and respected her. But Lauren knew

fear. Inside--voices entreating her to love them. Outside--the mystery of the missing group that had gone before her. The dead group. But were they simply dead? Or something else?

In search of Dracula – By Radu Florescu and Richard T McNally My copy of this book is hard back which was a little massive for my daily commute at the time but it didn’t stop me. This book was enthralling, detailed, fast passed and disturbing on so many levels. Well researched and a horrific reminder of the evil of men.

Synopsis: The true story behind the legend of Dracula - a biography of Prince Vlad of Transylvania, better known as Vlad the Impaler.

Danse Macabre – Stephen King I have no shame in telling you that I ploughed through this film very quickly, such a well written and thoughtful book. It’s informal but it engages you as the reader and it feels like Mr King is talking to you, just you as he guides you around a museum of horrors.

Synopsis: The author whose boundless imagination & storytelling powers have redefined the horror genre, from 1974's Carrie to his newest epic, reflects on the very nature of terror-what scares us & why--in films (both cheesy & choice), tv & radio, &, of course, the horror novel, past & present.

By Cassandra Regan

The Hoarder Vs The Watcher

By Stan Williams & Cassandra Regan First for the intro. Last month I thought I did pretty well with Kirsty Cotton then I

read Cassandra’s piece and realised that actually I should have done some more research on [REC] rather than trying to remember the movies. This is because she pointed out that her character also appeared in 3 movies and that lead to my credibility being shattered! I should have learned but Cassandra said she wasn’t going to watch the movie I’ve chosen so I decided not to watch hers, in the interest of fairness and also because it is no doubt bad considering this is bad film v bad film.

So with that out of the way let’s move on the movie I have chosen… The Hoarder.

I’ll start you off with a little tidbit on this movie. Before I found Cabin on the Net I was toying with starting my own review/ would I survive blog or website as an outlet for this writing that I do. The first thing I wrote was half a review for The Hoarder. It was not a glowing review. As a person, I am quite easily sated in my movie going, as long as I enjoy it and can see what the film was going for I couldn’t care less whether it has critical acclaim or strong plot points and all that so it’s rare I will dislike something as much as I disliked this movie. Let me point out though, this is my own opinion and if you enjoyed it don’t let me take that away from you.

So, what makes this movie so bad? Well I’m going to throw a curve ball at you and give you a few reasons this movie is good. WHAT! You heard me right. One of the reasons this movie is bad is because there are quite a few things that are actually right with this movie.

The first thing that hit me about this movie on the first watch and the second and hopefully final watch is the surprisingly good cinematography. The first time I watched it I was expecting a low budget schlocky horror movie and the production on this shattered that at the beginning. The first 15-20 minutes in the house look beautiful and it looks good so that’s why it’s weird that they decided to move this movie to a storage facility that is all a muted grey walls with a few storage rooms that break it up a little but not enough to actually make use of the cinematography.

The premise of a storage unit is quite good, that I will concede but it’s not interesting enough. The premise getting the protagonist there is also just kinda meh.

These are the first reasons that I started disliking the movie. It is by no means the main issue.

It’s not how the movie looks, it must be the actors then? The actors are actually pretty good. We have Mischa Barton, Emily Atack (Charlotte Hinchcliffe from The Inbetweeners) and Robert Knepper (Tbag from Prison Break). It has other people although the cast isn’t huge. They all play their parts and they put the effort in. Now is the time that I give the negative, as above so below, the dialogue is awful. The fact that the actors pull off this dialogue as well as they do is a miracle. It is the

most unrealistic and stilted writing I have come across in a horror movie. I know sometimes the audience need things explained to them and I know dialogue is hard to write but honestly. This is the thing that bugged me most about the movie. If we had some decent dialogue in this movie and more show not tell then this movie might be elevated from a substandard movie to a standard movie.

If you haven’t seen the picture that accompanies the movie go and look at it and then come back. Ok you done? That picture is pretty creepy right. That is the making of a good villain in an ok horror. Genuinely creepy. SPOILER ALERT! Ok so that isn’t the main antagonist. The main antagonist is the guy running the storage facility who has a sort of medical room where he turns people in to these things. By these things I mean he staples them up and locks them away, there is no actual magic or supernatural element to this. Except the fact that this guy who runs a storage locker facility can do this much medical work.

This twist in the movie isn’t a big deal. It’s been done before; it’s been done better and it’s been done where it is actually a twist you didn’t see coming.

The main issue I have though with the antagonist and the creature is that the creature just straight up murders Emily Atack when they get to the storage facility.

Considering this guy has been trapped and made like this and all the other murders seem to be done by the actual antagonist this just doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.

I’m not going to preface this one with a positive because I can’t really think of one that matches it too well. The writing, as mentioned with the dialogue, just isn’t very good overall. The premise is a good one as I have said but honestly the motivations aren’t really there for me. The characters seem to fit archetypes: the corrupt cop, the warring couple, the woman trying to seek out a husband’s infidelity but that’s all they seem to be. There is no depth to them. I know a lot of horror movies generally have characters doing stupid things because otherwise a lot of people would survive but with the bad dialogue and clunky writing when they do it in this movie it just seems worse.

So there you have it. There’s my bad movie and honestly not many movies get treated this way for me. Like I said, if you liked this movie then that is fine, we all have our opinions but when I initially sat down and watched this I was prepared for a schlocky bad horror movie and came away disappointed in that it was bad in all the wrong ways. The second time I sat down to watch this movie I thought I knew what I was getting in to and I still came away disappointed. Therefore, I believe this

movie should win this vs. Not because I have done an awesome and scathing write up but because it is just bad.

The Hoarder Vs The Watcher Bad films are subjective, aren’t they? We see so many films and of course there is the reviewers (that’s us!) and while we always try to look for the good. Someone did after all put time and effort into what we are watching. Now and then a film comes alone, or it’s come and gone and quickly forgotten and rightly so!

I’m not even talking those awesome B – Movies that are so bad, they have a cult following oh no I’m talking about the downright bad and for that, we have gone into the vault for this. We’ve seen loads of bad films in our time but one takes the cake!

Let’s dissect it, shall we?

The Watcher, also known as disciples – Directed by Joe Hollow Here, take a read of the film synopsis: A dark twisted horror fantasy set in the modern world, as a small group of humans and demons prepare for war when an ancient prophecy telling of an angel who will rise to unseat the emperor Lucifer becomes a terrifying reality. As evil grows stronger, alliances are formed and heroes will rise with humanity hanging in the balance.

Doesn’t it sound rather good!? Rather interesting? Well I’m here to tell you why IMO it’s nothing but trash. Right, let’s make some friends.

So, who is who? Hell, if I know. We have the ‘Mother’ and the ‘Father’ who are very evil. We know this from flashbacks of ‘Father’ torturing half naked girls. Sigh. We also have two girls who wear the mark of the demon and then we have a rapist who rapes a nun, turn out he’s the demon of lust and well the whole female blood scene is just nasty! We have Tony Todd which is epic of course. We have a half-naked demon woman who likes to have her breasts out and then we have the shittist ‘Angel’ I’ve ever seen. Confused? Good. Pretty sure that’s what they were going with.

Per the synopsis, heroes will rise with humanity hanging in the balance. What heroes?! Who the hell is the hero in this film, sure SPOILER the ‘Angel’ is killed but I couldn’t tell you which one of these people killed him or even how. As if you could over through Lucifer anyways.

The film is so disjointed. The minor characters (I’m calling them that, sorry!) are all shot on what looks to be a very low budget camera or lighting or something. It wouldn’t be bad if the whole film had been shot this way but then to splice it with the Major characters – the action with proper good lighting, camera etc. It was jarring and I was left unsure if there was a point to it. Unless I somehow have a boot leg copy? Brought it a HEAD dvd shop so seems unlikely.

This film makes me angry, it has such a good idea, it had Tony Todd for fuck sake to be fair there are a lot of fantastic actors in the film, it’s a shame it just didn’t come across. It also rates an almighty 1 star on IMDB. Are there any redeeming features to the film? Well most of the actors you already know and can tell they can act, the film just does seem to call for it. TONY TODD! The story, it’s a good idea. I like the idea I just didn’t feel they pulled it off.

Per IMDB the estimated budget for the film was $115,000. Now when you think of the cast and how much they were to be paid for the film I’m going out on a limb here to suggest that didn’t leave a lot of money to play with, I could be wrong but even actors have got to eat. We must give points to Joe for that. I may have found this one of the worst films I have seen but if he was working on a shoe string then props to him.

There you have it! Its short and sweet this time. I don’t want to piss of Mr Todd. Is it a worse film than Stan’s? Hell, yes, it is! Check out both trailers and you tell me.

Links below. I’ve not seen the Hoarder but the trailer is awesome! Stan mate you sure this is your bad film? I might have to watch it…. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBvc_SVIxPo - The Hoarder https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7NCemanBKY – The Watcher

Book Review Winter Smith London’s Burning

By J. S Strange Move over Alice, Winter is coming

Synapsis: A story of survival trust and fear.

The first in the series, Winter Smith is ripped from a rich lifestyle and forced to survive...

The zombie virus has torn through the world, and Winter and a group of survivors must get to the Thames. Winter deals with the loss of her parents, the harsh reality of promised safety, and learns that not everyone can be trusted...

Oh how I loved this book! We are so grateful to have met J. S Strange otherwise we would have been none the wiser and would have never met Winter Smith. The book moves at a fantastic pace and it truly is a page turner. The first Chapter was a little hard for me to get into and I was unsure how I would fair. Nothing wrong with the first chapter at all, the whole thing plays out beautifully and such a wicked idea to have the infected on a flipping submarine but there were just too many names for me to keep up but I carried on, aware that I was holding a book of 380 pages that someone had put years into. I wasn’t given up that easy and for them well, my mind is blown.

The story follows Winter and a band of survivors as the try to survive and make it to the Thames. What I really liked was not only are they fighting the infected but also when the paranoia that sets it. People change, people become killers. It’s human instinct to survive and people will do odd things to make sure they live or they distraught the world around them pretending the world is different and they can get away with what they want.

The characters are a joy to be with on their journey, some are likable, others aren’t and you get that from Jack’s writing. If you are meant to hate a character, Jack will make sure you do.

The action in this book is so well written, it moves at a great pace and nothing is rushed, describing the action, the zombies and the people all at once and brining it together neatly is something Jack can do.

The book reminds me of fantasy stories by the likes of Terry Brooks that I read growing up. These survivors are on a quest and we follow them as they go from place to place, attack to attack. I couldn’t turn the pages quick enough.

The introduction of the character Violet was a little hard to swallow but only for a moment, but that is not a knock on how she supports her family and how she can look after herself. We don’t know what some young people have to do to survive in this world and I’m not about to say it was unbelievable because it isn’t, it was merely a few conversations here and there that (to me) didn’t quite flow right.

Going back to the paranoia, I really feel this was a great aspect of the book and we are introduced to so many people after a while you start to wonder who’s really still human and I mean that in a non-zombie way.

The character’s back stories are just as strong as the lives they are living now. A lot of darkness in nearly everyone’s past which was a nice touch to how we are all human and we all have secrets but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t go on, that we deserve to have our throats torn out by the infected masses.

My favourite moment in the book and there are a lot is the party at the start of the book, the party Winter doesn’t want to attended but has no choice. It’s a blood bath and it reads like poetry. Ah, why haven’t you bought the book yet!?

We did have one little thing that stuck in my mind and I don’t know if it is an ode to the British people who just seem to carry on regardless but I have to ask why shops were still opening when a town down the road had been wiped out by zombies?

Surely no one is going to sell you a pint of milk after that? That aside it works and it is a great way to get the characters out of the house and into all sorts of bother. It was merely a thought I had because no way am I saying it was rubbish. This is one of the best things I have read in a very long time.

Now Jack, I put this to you in the hope that you read my review. When can we expect the second book? And please tell me, when are turning this into a screenplay!? Winter needs to be on the big screen and if you don’t…I will.

Catch our review with J.S. Strange in our last issue and pick up his book from Amazon. It really is the best thing you will ever spend your money on.