THE BURMAN
CHRONICLE
ISSUE 04 VOLUME 70 13.01.20
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TABLE OF CONTENTS EDITOR’S NOTE: 02 JASMINE PICKETT MENTAL HEALTH: 03 A STATE OF WELL-BEING 05 MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE 07 A DAY IN THE LIFE 09 IT GETS BETTER 11 IM OK 13 “IM FINE THANKS!’ 15 MENTAL HEALTH: Busi Phuti 17 WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH?: Eli Mars 19 ITS OK TO TAKE ANTIDEPRESSANTS: Kelly Russell POETRY: 21 A DAY IN THE BRAIN 22 BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS 23 THE GIRL I AM IN MY DREAMS: Noreen Moise 24 MY DEPRESSION STORY: Hannah Amankwah
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“Anxiety, after all, can coexist with determination.”
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A State of Well-Being
Overall Mental health to me is the importance of your state of emotional well-being. The stresses that life brings can have a great negative impact. It’s important to surround yourself with those that uplift you and can help you whether you’re struggling with mental health or not. Mental illness affects the way people behave and think. There are severe cases and minor cases. People feel scared, helpless, angry, anxious, and other emotions. Students often have trouble focusing and concentrating on their studies or extracurricular activities because of mental health. It affects so many aspects of our lives if we are not okay mentally. We often become depressed, and our anxiety levels can rise. Different things affect different people. Certain religious practises can boost mental health. Mental health is so important because it impacts your behaviours and your emotions throughout life, and if you’re keeping yourself busy with school, work, people you love and who love you back, along with other different activities your mental state will improve. It’s also important that we take care of ourselves and stay educated. For example reading consistently and physical fitness are things that can help us. I do experience sometimes myself not being in the right mental state at all times and school can be the reason as well as financial reasons and other factors. My experience with someone that has a mental illness is in my family and they are not aware that they possess it but it definitely does affect me and my other family members. He is overall a great person and can understand us but he cannot speak normally. He is a kind and gentle spirit and it does make us sad sometimes so we can’t go through life with him being able to enjoy certain moments with us. However we don’t let that become an excuse and we love him the same. -Anonymous
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My Personal Experience Mental health to me is a constant battle. When I was a little girl there would be days where I would just get really sad and just want to be by myself and I didn’t understand why. There would be times where it felt like I couldn’t breathe and my throat was closing up and I couldn’t explain why. When I got older there were times I would just sit and cry while the shower was running so my family members couldn’t hear the pain in my cries. The crazy thing is that through all of that I had no idea that I had depression and anxiety. It wasn’t until I got to university where I learned about depression and anxiety and realized that I may have them. I feel like a lot of times when someone thinks of a person with depression they really do assume that all the person does is stay in bed and not move for days. Well yes, I guess that part is true but it is so much more than that. I will never forget when I first became vocal about my depression and the fact that I had a few suicide attempts. I would be approached by people saying that I never looked depressed and they were shocked.
I think that’s the thing that many people don’t understand; I didn’t fit the typical description of someone with depression and there are others who don’t fit that description. Throughout the years I have tried to become more open with my mental health, I regularly go to therapy and recently made a discovery that will hopefully help me even more. With my therapist and doctor, I have done a bit of research and have made a great discovery. Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is the name of it. Some people refer to it as PMDD. For me this new revelation has helped in the way where now I know what the problem is and we can work with the help of medicine and continuous therapy. I’m not perfect. I’m not 100% healed, but that’s okay. It may look dark and like life is going nowhere, but slowly the pieces will be put into place. It took me almost 10 years to finally get some sort of answer or direction in my life. I don’t know, I guess I’m just trying to say that it may take forever and a lifetime but eventually it’ll come together. Keep fighting and do not give up. It didn’t feel like you would have survived before but here you are. Surviving. Keep doing that.
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“This may be a sad chapter, but you are not a sad story.” 7
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A Day in the Life For those who don’t live with a mental illness, it can be difficult to imagine what it feels like. So, I decided to write this to help give a better understanding of what it feels like to live with a mental illness. For me, it’s anxiety and depression. I’ll take you through a good day with minimal symptoms and a bad day with more severe symptoms. On a good day, I wake up and lay in bed for about twenty minutes. I think through everything I have to do that day and plan out exactly when I’m going to do each task. Despite getting plenty of sleep I am still exhausted. I go to class and try my best to follow the lecture and take notes. If there is a discussion I might contribute a few comments but hold back a lot of my thoughts. Despite trying to focus, I’ll end up daydreaming or worrying about other assignments for most of the class period. When I finally get home, I usually make a simple meal that doesn’t take a lot of energy, because I am exhausted from the day. I might get one of the tasks done that I planned in the morning, but I can’t bring myself to do the rest. Things that used to bring me joy—spending time with friends, cooking, making art—all drain me of my energy. This is a good day: overthinking, disassociating, and feeling exhausted. It’s usually more anxiety than depression. Even though anxiety drains me, it doesn’t usually stop me from going to class. It makes all of my daily tasks much more exhausting to complete. On a bad day, I wake up and I can’t bring myself to get out of bed. I don’t have the mental energy to get up and attend classes. I email my professors and tell them that I am sick, because I know most of them won’t take depression as a valid excuse for missing a class. I definitely won’t get anything productive done and I likely won’t leave my apartment at all. People usually associate depression with sadness or being upset and they think you can trace it to a reason. But for me it’s just an emptiness. I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel angry, I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel anything. And because I am not able to get anything done, I start to get anxious about everything that I am falling behind on. Even though I know I need to get things done, I still can’t. I’ve been living like this for so long that sometimes I forget that it’s not normal. Even though I’ve been having more good days than bad days lately, it’s still not easy. In a way, the good days aren’t truly good, they’re just more productive. But it’s not hopeless. With the support of friends and family and by going to therapy, I am constantly improving. Things do get better.
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It gets better Like many people, I suffered from depression in silence. For years I kept telling myself and others that I was fine. That everything was okay, and nothing was wrong, even though everything was a lie. I was having trouble sleeping and would wake up every day more exhausted than the last. On those nights, I would try to occupy my mind with anything I could to distract my racing thoughts. Sometimes I would binge-watch new shows until seven in the morning, or stress eat to help me fall asleep. Nothing was working. School and work felt like I was stuck on an endless hell loop, and my days started to feel like a boring routine. I felt lost and confused about where my life was going. As a child, I could picture my future, but now when I closed my eyes, I saw nothing. Nothing that could inspire or motivate me to keep going. Nothing I was proud of because all I felt was shame. It felt like everyone else around me had their lives figured out, but I did not. I felt stuck and began to distance myself from friends and family because I told myself, “no one will understand.” I liked being the person everyone could depend on, to listen to their problems, and help them through tough times. But I couldn’t allow anyone else to do the same. Confessing my struggles with people I trusted felt like defeat somehow, and I wasn’t ready to be seen as weak, so I kept my secret. I smiled like I always did, and made jokes about my depression to cover it up in real life and on social media. I portrayed the image I wanted people to see because it was easier than telling the truth. But eventually, I became tired of it all. I had to do something to finally feel like I had control of my life again and began to open up. First, I paid a visit to my doctor and discussed everything I had on my mind. He gave me some helpful advice and recommended medication to deal with my anxiety, but I decided against it. I felt more confident and ready after our conversation, to be honest with other important people in my life. All of them were incredibly supportive, and it helped me finally find the motivation I needed to start making the changes I always wanted in my life. Now years later, I can’t say that I’m no longer depressed or find myself questioning the universe at times, but I can say I’m happier and healthier, and it does get better.
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I’m OK Anxiety doesn’t interfere in my daily life that much. I can do all the same things you can do. I’m OK. Exams are coming up and I don’t feel prepared. I’ve paid attention in class all semester and handed my assignments in on time. It’s worth thirty-percent? I’m going to fail. I can’t do this. I’m OK. Speaking in front of the class? A mark based on participation? Not going to happen. Looks like I’ve lost ten-percent before we’ve even started. I’ve probably lost my scholarships. How am I going to afford school? Food? A place to stay? I’m OK. I got a new haircut. What is everyone going to think of it? So much extra attention. They probably don’t like it. I shouldn’t have done it. Now I’ll be waiting months for my hair to grow out again. I’m OK. I’ve been busy with school and haven’t been able to hangout with friends. They probably hate me. Maybe they forgot about me. Oh, you guys want me to come for supper with you? They are probably lying because they feel sorry for me. I’m OK. I don’t look like the other students. They always look so good. My clothes are so plain and boring. I don’t have any name brands on my second-hand clothes. I don’t even deserve to be seen by these people. I’m OK. It’s so hard for me to deal with everything going on right now. My family life is a disaster. I haven’t talked with them in forever. How am I supposed to concentrate on school while I have bigger problems going on in my life? I went to two funerals of loved ones this semester, but nobody would even know. I’m OK. I see other people are suffering beside me. I don’t know how I can help when I can’t help myself. “There’s people who can help,” they say. I’ll put on a smile so they don’t feel bad for me. I don’t need help. I’m OK. “I have anxiety too, you’re not alone.” “You don’t have to suffer alone.” “Even though it may not seem like it now, everything is going to be ok.” It’s ok not to be OK.
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“Though I am staggered, I am not undone.”
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“I’m Fine Thanks!” First, here’s a little playlist you should listen to, if you’re reading this. Coldplay - In my place, X Ambassadors - Renegades, Coldplay - Clocks It’s 12 p.m. Like every other day, I’m walking into the crowded cafeteria. There’s a lot of people around me, they laugh, study, order, eat, talk. Some wave at me, some ignore me, some are happy to see me, some don’t know me. Iin my head, I feel deeply alone in all of this. I’m surrounded by people, but I feel surrounded by noises and thoughts. But it’s almost like I fit into this. Almost It’s 2 p.m, I am going to class. She asks me warmly “How are you doing?” She is smiling. It’s friendly and caring. But in my head, I know the answer doesn’t really matter. She just expects small talk, so I guess the answer is “I’m fine thanks!” I’m not. It’s 12 a.m, I’m lying in my bed, somehow I can’t sleep. It’s quiet, and seems peaceful. In my head, I feel relieved because I have nothing to worry about, I’m by myself. But, somehow it turns out to be worse. I start to wonder, doubt, overthink. Wonder, doubt, overthink. Wonder, doubt, overthink. I’m replaying every single mistake I ever made in the past. I’m ashamed of myself. I’m hating myself. I’m wondering if I’ll ever feel complete and in the place I should be. I’m doubting, are my friends really my friends? Could someone ever truly love me? Am I really a good person? And even though they say they are, even though they love me, even though they say I am; I overthink. It doesn’t stop. But when will you stop doing that to me Brain? When will I stop feeling empty? What if one day I’ll be so consumed that I’ll stop fighting? Stop hoping. Every day it’s harder to fake it, but for now “I’m fine thanks!”
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MENTAL HEALTH Mental illness is one of the most devastating conditions ever known to human beings, right from its minor effects to the most serious ones. There are so many people who have mental health issues, but in the majority of cases many deny that they are affected nor do they know its effects. In reality, what is mental illness? According to the American Psychiatric Association: “Mental illnesses are health conditions involving changes in emotion, thinking, or behavior or a combination of these.” There are many kinds of mental illnesses, ranging from stress, anxiety disorders, depression, PTSD, to the most serious where people become incapacitated. For a while, I was having chest pains, and having difficulty breathing. On visiting my family doctor, he did all kinds of tests like EKGs, blood work, and x-rays but nothing was detected. After a thorough examination, I was shocked to learn that I was actually being stressed by my last job, which was not only affecting me mentally but my overall health. Now that I have started school at BU, and at the same time working a part time job to make ends meet, I am excited and ready to see what God has in store for me. I am putting every effort to try to get used to this new normal, making sure that everything is balanced. I remind myself every now and then to do the best I can. My coping skills are to take as many deep breaths as possible, going for walks as much as possible, listening to music, and to keep a positive state of mind. The most important of all is taking it back to daddy Jesus by prayer and meditation. Casting all my cares upon him. It might be hard for now, but my aim is to succeed no matter what happens. The struggle is real but victory is also certain, when leaning on the everlasting arms of Jesus.
The most unfortunate thing about mental illness is that when you get affected, society starts looking down on you, taking you as a hopeless person, resulting in the loss of respect, dignity, and self esteem. Depending on the degree of the illness, when on its advanced stages, some very productive people like doctors, teachers, engineers, etc. become redundant and completely lose their cognitive capabilities. It might seem minor to some people, but some go through much worse situations than others. To those who are affected like me, know that there is help available. Your mental health is as important as your physical health, so please take care of it, you have only one God given life. The Sakala center is a blessing for taking care of people with mental conditions. Philippians 4:6-7 comforts me, it says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”.
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Why is it so important to take care of your mental health? At a young age, when someone got sick, ill, infected or something close to that nature any elder whether it be the teacher, instructor, coach, or parent would run call for help, make sure that you got checked by a doctor, nurse, or caregiver. But in an age where mental health is a topic widely discussed and yet mildly understood, I see how such a question can be raised. This question is not only raised by those who “don’t get it” but it is even asked by those who suffer from it. Why is it important to take care of something no one seems to understand, why is it so important to take care of something that could easily be made fun of? Well I’ll tell you why it is important to take care of your mental health. Its important to take care of your mental health because you wouldn’t want to walk around limping from an ankle injury, you wouldn’t want to walk around with some rash because you refuse to go to a doctor – you would hurry and book an appointment to check out and understand its severity because you want to walk again, you want to be free in your own skin. That is why it is important to take care of your mental health. Because it is having the balance of both emotional, physical, or even spiritual at times. Taking good care of your mental health means that when situations occur to tip you over -so to speak, you will be able to screen and take in the emotions that come and go, the stress that never seems to leave, and you will also find a good coping mechanisms that will work in your benefit. It also means that you will or have built up the confidence or will to get the “little” things checked up, just like you would when there is something wrong physically. Thus, leaving you productive in various areas in your life. We can’t be balanced if we only focus on our physical health, ignoring our psychological state. This is especially true if you want to live a great life and produce extraordinary results in each area. – Shawn Lim. But hey, what do I know, I’m just a student just like you with a couple things to say.
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?
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It’s Okay to Take Antidepressants The amount of stigma that continues to surround antidepressants and other medications that treat mental illness baffles me every day. I can say from personal experience that antidepressants have saved me so much pain and suffering, and I’d like to share with you the response I have to some statements about this life-saving medication. 1. “You don’t need drugs, you’re just lazy. Try harder.” This is something I see a lot in posts from everyday people and even a little in the media; the idea that if you go on antidepressants you must not be trying hard enough to fix your problems on your own. A positive mental attitude is all it takes according to this mentality; a little pep in your step is meant to be enough to combat depression, anxiety, OCD, or other mental illnesses. I don’t think so. The idea that you can always choose to get up, choose to get going, or choose to feel self-assured whenever you like goes against what defines depression as an illness. What I hope people know or can learn from this is that depression ≠ laziness. From the outside, it can seem like the easiest thing in the world to get up and go for a walk, or just get up and feed yourself but that is not always the case. 2. “Those kinds of medication are just ‘happy pills.’” Calling prescribed drugs “happy pills” is not only useless language in the battle to destigmatize these kinds of medications, it’s also just wildly inaccurate. When I was on antidepressants they didn’t make me happy, they made me functional. Antidepressants brought me to the baseline of human existence and allowed me to get out of bed, shower, and eat food without being bogged down by negative thoughts. For me, my medication wasn’t some kind of fun party drug to be passed around to friends looking for a high. Along this same line, my antidepressants weren’t an addictive substance either. Some antidepressants (benzodiazepines) can be addictive but they’re handed out under extremely specific and serious circumstances. All in all, what you need to know about this statement is that antidepressants DO NOT equate to illegal stimulants or party drugs. 3. Antidepressants are just a quick fix. Another statement that is strictly untrue. There is nothing inherently ‘quick’ about going on antidepressants. When I started on my own medication I was reminded again and again that I may not feel any difference for up to a month. Another thing to consider about this kind of statement is the idea that you’ll only be on your medication for a short time so why bother; also untrue. Some mental illnesses require brief periods of medication and therapy, some require years of commitment to both, and some require a lifetime and all of that is okay too. Even if you’re only on your medication for under a year, as was the case for myself, it can make all the difference in the world. Well I hope you can take away from this is that antidepressants aren’t scary and shouldn’t be as taboo as they are. If you think you could benefit from them, I encourage you to talk to your doctor and seek help from a licensed therapist if one is available to you!
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“If you can’t handle me at my worst, just remember that I handle me at my worst, and that makes me stronger than you!”
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A day in the brain It is 7:55 in the morning. I have class in five minutes, and I am still in bed. My name is Depression. Honestly this isn’t a rare occurrence. I sleep in a lot. I think it can be a good thing, sleeping in that is. It is 8:27, and I just arrived at school. The classroom door is closed and I don’t think I should open it. My name is Anxiety. I have about three missing assignments, two new assignments, and four finals this week. Sometimes things pass by all blurry like. It is 12:00. I have finally made it to lunch. I have no idea what to do. Do I sit? Do I leave? Do I starve? Maybe eat? I hate eating, but I love eating. It’s all the same in the end. I’ll just be hungry again. My name is Anorexia. Lately I haven’t been very hungry, I think it’s thanks to my new workout routine. It is strange how clear signs can be, and how little we still see. Often it’s small things. People change in the blink of an eye. Things develop and no one asks why. How do we help someone without knowing what’s wrong? There are as many problems as there are solutions. For every person it’s a different pollution. The answer is simple. How do we help someone? Not to fix, not to clean, but rather befriend. Sometimes all we need is a friend. Someone to just be there. Someone who truly cares. There isn’t always an easy answer, but you can always be there.
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Blood Sweat and Tears Sweat stained, heavy breathed, empty, and tired. YOU drain me physically and mentally to the point I question my existence, my commitment, and my determination. You hold me down dragging behind me like a wrecking ball, tearing down any chance I have of achievement. “you’re guaranteed success, if you really try,” they declare. When all the initial means have been discarded how does one proceed if there is nothing left to go off of? When all means of advancing have been erased how can one step? When all sacrifices have been made what is there left to go off of? Blood, Sweat, and Tears, I have been told “you have never felt real heartbreak” let me tell you. Heartbreak is being deprived of crying because once initiated it will not cease. Heartbreak is looking at your future and seeing that the blue skies and dandelions you once saw are preparing for the hailstorm. Heartbreak is perfecting the act of the expression “happiness” when internally words are no longer present because of the constant screams. Heartbreak is experiencing all these and still holding on for fear of falling. Blood, Sweat, and Tears. What are they to me? Failure.
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The Girl I Am in My Dreams
It’s har
The cl
They a
Like I’
The girl I am in my dreams Is more attractive than I am And sees the world under her nose Unlike me being at the same level as the common person Lost in the crowd The girl I am in my dreams flies higher, And visits all of the places. speaks to all of the people blesses them with her presence Unlike me being stuck to my ways tied down by shyness and anxiety
Unlike me Still being confused when it comes to time and place or adequacy and its opposite
Secon
The girl I am in my dreams Has strong wings, which can go against the current She does not let pressure bring her down The girl I am in my dreams can migrate her way into new experiences Where she expands her horizons and starts new connections Where she thrives and transfers her knowledge to the next generation Unlike me being stuck underground, tied down by shame unable to view past the pain
I was fi
Was w
The girl I am in my dream’s name is Social She is the hope for my future, As a Butterfly for I am still asleep Deep in my cocoon
He tol I told
He tol
So the
He dis
Sleep d
They h
And m
The girl I am in my dreams is colorful Her radiance appeals the passing eye She is fascinating and unique All of her features enhance her beauty Everyone wants to know her and see what she truly is about Unlike me being dull, uninteresting the subject of pity and mockery
There
She is mysterious yet an open book, talkative yet knows when to be quiet hilarious yet can find her focus a leader yet does not mind following
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I told
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It’s hard to talk about depression when you’ve never felt it The clueless talk about it like there is some type of navigation kit
My Depression Story
They act like I’ve chosen to feel this way Like I’ve held up a sign that says “depression come my way” Second semester of last year
Ended up missing my pop quizzes
Was when depression decided to appear
Wanted to talk to people, but had no energy
I was fighting with it
I knew that I needed them to be with me
I told him that I didn’t ask for him
But even when they were there, I still felt alone
He told me that I shouldn’t throw a fit
I felt like to everyone I was unknown
I told him that I can’t fake a grin
These times God wasn’t even a thought
He told me that I’d need to perfect it
Just tears and pain clouded my heart
So there I was, a loser, with depression as my buddy
But thank God for that 1 friend who sees through the façade
He distracted me from focusing and made it hard to study He talked to the almighty on my behalf Sleep decided to camp with me as well.
Because He knew that I wasn’t ready to talk to God
They had the most fun time together
Asking questions that got to the core of the problem
And made my life feel like hell
Opened my eyes to why the pain had begun
There were days when I couldn’t go to classes
Now that I was aware, God became a priority again I knew what to pray for and I knew that My God would always win I started to focus more on my healing and less on others More on how to help myself and less on how to help my brothers As RuPaul said, “If you can’t love yourself, how can you love someone else” I implemented that statement into my way of thinking and I can truly say for me, my self-worth is doing anything but shrinking.
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WOULD YOU LIKE TO WRITE FOR THE CHRONICLE? EMAIL US AT: SACHRONICLES@BURMAN.CA MENTAL HEALTH PT 1 FINAL.indd 28
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