Addiction by Shane Hodge

A A R

1|P age Copy write The Comeback www.thecomeback.com.au

Article2. The Ball and Chain Comebacks. Second Hour Addiction. The Rialto in Melbourne is a wonderful building and 15 years ago it was the tallest and grandest and there I was sitting in front of one of the new breed of zillionaires way up high discyussing a business deal, didn’t think it could get mnuch better at the time. I tried to use all my skill to get him to finally sign onthe doitted line but he wanted a day to think about, the only problem we had he was flying out to Hong Kong the next day and I was flying to Los Angeles. He made the suggestion why don’t I go via Hong Kong? I could look at whaht he was doing over there and to make it even more interesting he promised to pick up the tab of the additional flight and pay for my hotel, wow to hard to say no as I had never been to Hong Kong and it would be fun plus I might get to finally close this deal. I went back to my own office, told my boss about the idea, he said “Great” so tickets were changed and that night I was on my way to LA via HK. I arrived on the Saturday morning and took what is the most expensive cabn fare in teh world from the Airpoirt to Hong Kong Central and checked in at the Hotel the client had arranged for me. Wow this guy has got class I thought as I was escorted into the lift and next thing I arrive not at a room but a suite of a five star hotel, damm it beat the dull and dingy joints I was used to staying at due to the measly expense acoount my current employer provided for me, the bathroom in this suite was bigger than my hosue, I could adapot to this very fast I thought. I called the client and asked him when he would be ok for a meeting, he told me to come to his office in an hour as in HK they work on Saturdays, and he also wanted to introduce me to some of his key people. Quick shave, shampoo and shoeshine and I was walking across the road to his office. I was greeted by his secretary and escorted into his office and again I was gob smacked as this was like a scene from Wall Street, way up on the highest floor of the Biggest tower in Hong Kong, the view he had of the Harbour was incredible, hard not to be impressed with the image this guy portrayed, coffee served we started to sit down and talk business.

2|P age Copy write The Comeback www.thecomeback.com.au

He started that chat straight to the point, “Hodgie” I got you to Hong Kong not to do the deal” I was shattered, I had come all this way to be told that, I kept thinking why he could have told me that in Melbourne, why waste my time but before I got the chance to reach for the tissues he stopped me. “I know you’re feeling disappointed, but let me tell you why I really got you here” he then proceeded to give me a huge pat of than the back, he really liked me and liked the way I had chased him for months trying to lock him down and sign this deal, and then he let it go, “Hodgie, I want you to work for me” I couldn’t believe my ears, he then wrote a number down on a piece of paper, pointed at it and told me” I will pay you this much” The number on the paper had one more zero than what I was earning, its also had some other things on it that really blew me away, business class travel, expenses and the title of “Director Of Internatioanl Business” Bit hard for a young fella from the Western Suburbs of Melbourne not to be imprsssed, but I wanted to hold back for a minute, I didn’t want to wet my pants there and then and jump at the offer. I told him I needed a day to think about it, he told me that was fine and why don’t I take a look around Hong Kong and we could catch up for dinner and then I could give him my answer. He thought I might need some Hong Kong dollars so handed me an envelope and said “Taxi Money” I waited till I got in the lift to open the envelope and I was shocked to find it had around 10,000 Hong Kong dollars, wow that's a lot of Taxis! I had an awesome day shopping and sightseeing, and yippee had lots of change left over, overall it had been a sensational surprising day. I felt important, I felt recognised for my hard work, I felt good and it had been a long time since I felt that way. I got back to the Hotel and there was a message from the potential boss to meet him at his Hotel for pre dinner drinks, his Hotel happened to be the same as mine which made me happy as I didn’t have to walk through all those people again, damm Hong Kong is like walking through a Sardine Can just to get to the other side of the road, so may people in one small spot, as an Aussie boy I loved my space and I must admit I struggled being so close to all these people but the shopping was fun. I got into my party dress and made my way to his room, his girlfriend opened the door and my god was she a stunner , she greeted me with a warm hug and welcome and led me into the livng area, asked if I would like a drink and I sat down and waited for the “man” to arrive. Slicked back hair, designer everything he walked out and I could not help but think this guy really thinks he is Gordon Gecko (Wall Street the movie) but he was a nice guy and I was pretty well tempted to take his offer, just needed to spend a little more time with him. He quickly got onto the subject of the offer and asked me my thoughts I told him I was around 70% just needed to have a little more information. He replied that’s ok maybe let’s talk more tomorrow tonite lets relax. He then without hestioation pulled out a silver encrusted pocket mirror, a little velvet bag, a gold straw and razor blade and procceded to lay out a huge line of Cocaine whilst we conducted small chat. 3|P age Copy write The Comeback www.thecomeback.com.au

I was in shock. I had dabbled in speed and smoked a little dope in my early teens but this was like a scene from Scarface the movie and I didn’t know how to react, it got worse when he turned to me, straw in hand and said “ There Ya go” I didn’t know what to do, my heart wanted to say no, but my mind thought about not wanting to be different, or mess up the relationship, I hesitated for a minute kept up the small talk whilst jiggling the straw and then I thought, what the hell. In this split second of a wrong choice I didn’t know it but I had begun my relationship with the ball and chain of addiction. My god the night went so fast, we went to dinner, we went to club after club, I felt sensational and when I started to feel a little tired out would come the little velvet bag, a quick trip to the toilet and whammy we would be up and attem again, the night went on and on and next thing I knew I was watching the sunrise sitting on the balcony of the Bosses room, and I was starting to feel pretty low. I decided at that stage I was gone and it was time to leave, my new boss (It appeared I had said YES during the night) told me I would be up and down a little during the day and slipped a present in my pocket, a little “take away baggie” to help me through the day as he put it. I said my goodbyes and went back to my own room to attempt to get some sleep. My god what a day, up down all over the place, eyes closed but brain going no chance at all for sleep, I was kicking myself for being so stupid. I liked to be in control of what I was doing and this past twenty four hours that was no way gunna happen, that little white powder was in charge and it was not a good feeling now so maybe I better take advantage of the “Emergency” supply he had left me with is what I thought. Open the bag, quick production procedure and away I went and yippee I thought, as I started to feel what I thought was normal again. The job was fantastic, sensational money I got to travel all over the place in style, I really loved it but each time I would arrive back in Hong Kong it was always the same routine, quickly dash from airport, grab taxi and high tail to the dealer in Mid Level and score. The weekend could only be described as a super hypoactive fast blur. I kept thinking I was ok, I was only doing it on the weekends, I could handle my job, I was doing fine, this didn’t control me I controlled it. The weekends started to get shorter, Monday seemed to arrive a lot faster than it did before and it was getting harder to take on the day, I thought to myself at that stage that doing a “Little” on the Monday morning would make life a little easier, take the chill off the downers that were called Mondays. It didn’t take very long and The Mondays became any day that ended in “Day” but that’s ok, I can control this, I’m in charge, I mean I’m the one making the choice, I can kick this anytime I feel like, that was the mantra I would say to myself just before I scored, or just before I shoved another line up my nose, I can handle this as I took another $1000 from the ATM each day.

4|P age Copy write The Comeback www.thecomeback.com.au

Hong Kong started to take on a different dimension, the crowds on the street, the trains were now becoming intolerable, and I hated the place. I would walk down the street pushing and shoving, I would abuse people on trains and in resteraunts, I would fight people, at the drop of a hat in bars, but that’s ok. I mean it’s not me I thought, its these people, the other people they don’t understand what it like to have manners, be polite how dare they act like that to me, that was my thought my mantra as I walked down the stairs or went to a bar, I’m in control they are not. A year passed so fast, my work I thought was good I was in control I mean I didn’t need this stuff when I was away, but I noticed I would get the trips over as fast as I could or if I had stayed longer? I had an ever populated mobile phone of dealer’s numbers in whatever place I was visiting, always amazed me the information you could get off a like minded Taxi driver. What I did notice was my patience with people was thin, how dare these idiots take their time, how dare they say no or I want to think about it, stupid people I would think, in the end I was walking out of meetings faster than the way I was walking in. That’s ok, they are stupid, it’s not me, they just don’t appreciate what I’m presenting, silly people, that was my mantra, I was in control I could quit anytime I felt like it. It was a Wednesday night, and it was my job to entertain some boys from Australia who had come to Hong Kong for a series of meetings, being the now resident party boy who new all the good bad and ugly of Hong Kong nite life I seemed to always get this job, must admit I loved it. A quick trip to mid levels and I was stocked up for what was going to be in my mind a sensational night on the town with some like minded boys. I met them at their hotel a quick line of get up and go and the night was waiting. These boys loved the girly bar scene so off we went to down town Wan Chai which has a huge selection of the seedy places that these blokes would enjoy. Hong Kong is an incredible place at night and whilst Lang Kwai Fong is the Mecca of music and dance, Wan Chi is the place for what’s best described as adult entertainment, bar upon bar of bad music, bad beer and bad ideas. The place gets you going, music pounding from the bars, lights flashing all over the place it’s enough to get your heart pumping without the fast stuff that was pumping through all our veins, but for me it wasn’t enough I need a little more. I looked up and there it was a McDonalds flashing sign which to me did not mean hamburgers it meant clean toilets and that was where I could “Top Up” before we hit the bras, I told the guys I would be back in a second and dashed into the Maccas all excited with what I was about to received. The toilets in HK are so small; space is at a premium so they don’t want to waste it on some little room that is only used on occasion. I squeezed my way in locked the door and proceeded to prepare my feast. I don’t know what it is about addicts but you always think there is no limitation, no ceiling on “High” I was already running a million miles and hour, shaking and carrying on no need to push it further but yet I would still try, all the time quoting my mantra, “I’m in control. It’s ok. I got this” as I was doing my preparation thing I heard a commotion outside the door, I panicked and tried to quickly pack things away and in the process dropped the lot in the toilet bowl, a couple of thousand dollars now lay all wet and soggy at the bottom of the sea of porcelain. 5|P age Copy write The Comeback www.thecomeback.com.au

You would think that I would have classed this as an omen called last drinks and gone home? No I quickly grabbed the phone, called the hotline and ordered another round. Told the guys I would be back in ten minutes and hailed the first cab and off I went to the Mid Levels happiness doctor. After the obligatory sharing of the product, cash exchanged I was back in the cab to meet up with my associates to continue the night of nights, I’m in total control right? We walked into the bar and it was all to wall women, ear to ear music and mouth to mouth booze, my ideal place but a deadly concoction of trouble in the state I was in. I was out of control, in fact so bad even the guys with me could not handle it, I was ordering drinks for the bar, having ten girls wait on my every wish, buying them drinks, dancing all over the place. One of the guys stood up and suggested we call it a night, how dare he I thought, “We” are having the time of our lives, what your problem, threw the bag of goodies at him and told him get it into, enjoy yourselves. He and the others didn’t want to get with the program and told me they were leaving, “good riddance” I told them, “Go home, Get a life” how dare they I thought, cant they get it, I’m stressed, I work hard, I should be able to enjoy myself, I deserve this pleasure. What do you mean, “I’m out of control” bullshit, I can handle this I’m ok. They left, yippee I thought, I don’t need them, “Lets Party” The dawn came and it was time to settle the bill, I couldn’t see the credit card slip let alone sign it, but with the help of the MamaSan I scrawled my name on the piece of paper. I don’t know how I got home, I don’t really remember much at all. My mouth wasn’t working, my steps were all over the place, my heart was racing, I was sweating, I needed to lay down, I need to be safe that’s all I was thinking. I’m in control of this, all I need do is lay down, then I will be ok then there was silence. I woke up with no familiar face staring at me and a bunch of machines bedside me, I was in hospital, the staff told me I almost died, I had pushed it too far, I have to give this up. The doctor came he told me the same thing, my mind? It’s ok I’m in control, I will get out of here and all will be ok, back at work all will be good, no drama its fine I have this covered. The bad news started. I had been in the hospital a week and it was time to checkout, although I was suffering shocking withdrawals the relaxation medicine they had prescribed was helping a little, that’s ok I thought I can go to my “Own” happiness doctor when I’m outta here it will be fine then. Dressed and packed I moved down to reception to pay the bill, out came the trusty MasterCard to settle up and be on my way.

6|P age Copy write The Comeback www.thecomeback.com.au

The card didn’t work, “Declined” was the call, I was indignant with the receptionist, “Must be a mistake” so she tried again, this time it answered, “Refer to Bank” so we called. I cannot understand this I have a high limit must be a mistake, she called the bank they asked to speak with me. “Your over your limit sir, how can that be I have a 100,000HKD limit, what is the balance now, 125,000 she replied Sir, I challenged her and asked to know the past weeks transactions, there was only one, from a bar in Wan chai, 125,000.00HKD, or to make it a “smaller” Number $16,000.00USD. Frantic discussion with the bank left me knowhere, I had signed for it so I owned it, after a few panicked phone calls a friend came to my assistance and paid the Hospital bill and I was set free, but the drama was going to continue. I arrived home to see an envelope placed on my front door, inside contained a termination letter from the board of my Company, I no longer had a job. I got phone calls from the landlord as I had not paid the rent as there was not sufficient funds in my account. In one day, my life totally crashed and so did I, all I kept thinking was? I thought I was in control. I thought I had it covered, I thought I was ok. I sat alone in my apartment and the severity of the situation hit me, I was broke, out of a job, and alone, my high flying life had come to a dramatic stop, I lost all control of any positive thinking and then in an instant I calmly I opened my wardrobe grabbed my favourite suit, shirt and tie and laid it on the bed. It was simple I was going to have a shower, get dressed and jump eleven floors. I heard the knock on the door whilst I was showering, it was my Girlfriend she had tried so hard to contact me this past week, came to my house each day, in the end she went to my work and they told her I was fired. I told her I didn’t want to see her but she asked me so many times to let her in so I did. She noticed the clothes on the Bed and asked me what I planned to do so I told her, I wasn’t looking for her to stop me, I was determined but I suppose I wanted to make sure that somebody knew, that somebody could contact my family back home and tell them, even though I thought they wouldn’t care. She made a coffee and told me to sit down and simply said “You need help” Hello? really. She asked me to listen to her, and for the next few hours I did, she then asked if we could put the suit away, and I said ok. She ordered some food and we talked for the rest of the night until I finally collapsed with exhaustion, to wake the next day, the problems still remained, but hope was in the distance. I was in a bit of a mess, the withdrawals were really bad now, I was a shaking quivering mess not really knowing how to cope with all this, with her help and money from her family I was able to see a doctor and be placed under care, it was sort of like an in-house rehab to help me get over the withdrawals and be able to function again. It was tough, but I made it through.

7|P age Copy write The Comeback www.thecomeback.com.au

Drugs really stuff up your sense of nay reality and mine was totally gone, this once switched on, quick thinking talented man was turned into a skinny, brainless fool that had no idea of responsibility or his actions, I had so much going for me but through this crazy time it had all disappeared. My return to normal was slow, but I made it and as the months went by I slowly but surely started to regain what I had lost and soon a job offer came from Malaysia and at last I was able to leave Hong Kong and really get back into making my life whole again, was I smart? No there is no such thing as a smart addict, I was lucky, luckly that I answered the door! In The Comeback book, I discuss addictions. I don’t slot it all into a category of drugs, gambling or Alcohol. Addictions can come in many shapes and product. You can be addicted to a person and that can be as damaging as a drug, you can be addicted to a sport, to food, addiction is something that takes over your total being and leaves room for nothing else. Addiction can suck the very life out of you and bring you to a point that when faced with nothing? You may well take the choice to leave with nothing and put that Suit on instead of putting it back in the wardrobe. The one thing I have found about addiction is? It’s all about stuff that’s introduced; no addiction is part of your normal wonderful pure DNA. The key is that being “introduced” you can ask it to leave. You don’t have to make it permanent or an ending in your life. I found that to overcome the introduced I needed to find better guests to invite to my party of life. The “Guest” I had introduced was Cocaine, I thought it was perfect, I thought it gave me fun, I thought it made life so wonderful but in the end? It cost me dearly and nobody else wanted to be invited to the Shane party. The guest of love, Common scence, decency, reality, energy, friendship all refused the invitation and I was left alone with the guest of addiction. Can you get over it? I did so that means you can, is it tough? You bet it is, but it is possible. Is it simple? No its not, but you can kick out the invited guest. How? Get to the point of understanding, “The Things that matter? Are things that matter” what matters? The Invited guest of Love, what doesn’t mater? The introduced guest of addictions. The addiction guest brings no joy with it only destruction, but I know with all the addicts I have dealt with over the years in counselling they will always say, “ I know that but I can’t stop” well I am witness that you can. You need time to heal, you need time away from all the things that can lead you to invite the guest of addiction back into your life party. Time, space and friends will give you the chance to find out “The Things that Matter” and lead you to enjoying them and making them the only guests you invite to your life party. Believe me without addiction your life will be a sensational party and you have so much energy, joy and then wow so much happiness.

8|P age Copy write The Comeback www.thecomeback.com.au

So my advice? There is a miracle to kicking addiction its called “Have to” or “Want to, and until you get that? You will continue to invite what you don’t want into your life and avoid or destroy what you need in your life. Look in the mirror, look around you do you really love what you see? If your addiction is drugs what do you see? Physical changes, economic changes, embarrassment, lying, deception? If your addition is gambling what do you see? No money, no hope, no vision, no future? Whatever your addictions, when you look in the mirror do you like what you see? When you can answer NO, when you can truly commit to that? Not by people forcing you, not by being placed in to a “Have to” reaction, not just by medication or therapy, when you can look in that mirror and scream at the top of your lungs “I want to kick shit out and enjoy this party of a real life, I want happiness I want and will introduce love” then you can begin the road back, The Comeback can be yours. I want to thank you for reading this article and I want to dedicate it to Tracy, thank you so much baby for helping me put the suit back in the wardrobe, I will never forget it. Love you. I send you big hugs and Love to you all Shane

9|P age Copy write The Comeback www.thecomeback.com.au