Ball and Chain EBook

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Welcome to The Comeback Ball and Chain Articles Series EBook.

The Ball and Chain Five Article series was written between September and November 2011.

In this series I wrote about Comebacks from the things that we drag around for years, the “Ball and Chain” events in our lives that can hold us back from where we really want and deserve to be.

The articles discuss Bitterness,Addiction,Fears,Secrets and Stupid mistakes and as with all my Comeback writing I use stories of my own life to show that even though we may have been dragging this weight around for years? It’s possible to get over all this stuff, and the Truth is what we use to set us free.

The articles are raw, entertaining, and sometimes a little sad but you will read that a Comeback to freedom from your Ball and Chian is not only possible; wow it’s so exciting.

So please enjoy the Ball and Chian Comeback EBOOK Send you Love and Huge Hugs

Shane

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Article 1. The Ball and Chain Comebacks. First hour Bitterness I was only about ten years old when I first met her. She was a striking lady; blond hair but what I remember most about her? was her piercing blue eyes and lots of makeup. It’s incredible that as a kid we look at lots of makeup and it brings thoughts of a little evil sometimes to our minds. In her case it wasn’t the evil it was the white foundation powder she would leave on my clothes and the thick red lipstick on my face each time she would give me a hug.

Mum was introduced to Marie by a mutual friend and very quickly she became a regular visitor to our house for the round table cup of tea meetings my mother was famous for. These tea meetings were always huge debate sessions as Mum had really strong opinions on most things in life, sport and politics were her favourite, and god help you if you didn’t support the same team or the same political party.

Marie was Scottish and even though she had been living in Australia for most her life it’s impossible to take the DNA out of a person so she didn’t mind the odd “Active” argument so put her and Mum together and the Scottish fire would usually start to burn.

I really don’t know what started the argument that day but all I remember was that it was huge. I was watching TV in the lounge room and I could hear a huge amount of yelling and screaming coming from the kitchen, words such as “Bitch” were flowing pretty freely and then even nastier ones echoed through the house, next thing Marie was leaving through the front door with the words. “You will regret you ever crossed me” following her as she left.

I walked into the kitchen and there was my Mum crying and her friend comforting her, Mum was just mumbling in between the tissues asking her friend how somebody could be so nasty, her friends just replied “Well now you have seen the real nasty Marie” It turns out that Marie apart from having really thick makeup had a real think nasty temper and was famous for causing trouble.

The day was quickly over, dad arrived home and he and Mum discussed the afternoon events, Dad just told Mum to forget about it as most likely the lady’s bark was far worse than her bite. Dinner over, baths completed, into Pyjamas and it was time for bed, quick story and prayers and we all waited for Mr. Sandman and dreams to arrive.

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I don’t know how long it was but my sleep was interrupted by a knocking at the door I heard my Dad walking up the small hallway to see who was at the door, and then I heard him say, “Your Bloody Joking” So who was at the door? A funeral Director.

Turns out that somebody had called them and said there had been a death in the family and we needed assistance, my Dad quickly did a head count and assured the Funeral Director that all were present and accounted for and all very much alive so maybe, it was the next house. The man left and Dad told us to go back to sleep it’s all ok and whilst I was trying to get back to where I left off in my dreams, I overhead Dad say to mum, “Who would do something like that” A great day at school the next day and then the excitement of going home, it was special to run though that front door, Mum always had something waiting for us to eat and then we could play footy in the backyard, but when I got home this day it was different. Mum was in the lounge room crying and tissuing again being comforted by her freind and the room contained stuff that shouldn’t be there, Mum was surrounded by three huge Funeral wreaths, obviously they got the wrong address again!

Dad came home and along with Mum they started to question who would be so nasty to call a funeral home one day and send wreathes the next? Did it stop there? No, over the next two weeks all sorts of strange things arrived at the house, a myriad of nasty phone calls, salespeople we didn’t call and then the person who had done it all made a mistake and her identity was discovered. The mean and nasty person was Marie and the hour of Bitterness had fallen upon our house and family.

Even though she had been outed? Maries bitterness continued to plague my mother, friends wertold stories about my Mum that were not true but as they say? If a lie is told enough times it can be seen as truth and soon Mum had lost a great proportion of her friends.

It was only after my Dad threatened Marie with calling the police that finally she disappeared. We did not hear much from her and her bitter antics again it all stopped as fast as it began, but for my Mum it took a long time to get over how bitter people can be. Over the next couple of years on the odd occasion we did hear glimpses of nasty things she had continued to do to those that crossed her? But she did not visit our home and it basically stopped.

I had just turned eighteen and was enjoying a great relaxing day at home when the doorbell rang, I did the normal teenage thing and yelled out to Mum to answer the door and she did the normal thing and told me to get up off my lazy bum and answer the door. Under my breathe I complained but got up and opened the door and was shocked at who was there.

Standing in front of me was an Old, very skinny women looking very pale but I could see her eyes and they were a piercing Blue Colour and I then knew who it was, I said “Marie” she smiled and replied “My God you remember”

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I didn’t really know what to say or do but naturally invited her in, I walked beside her to the kitchen and said “Mum, Marie is here” my mother dropped the cup she was about to make a cup of tea with and just looked at Marie, Mum was totally speechless at the sight of this frail person in front of her, Marie took a deep breath and calmly said, “Nice to see you Mas”, Mum replied, “Would you like a Cuppa” so Australian I thought.

The conversation went along the normal lines when you haven’t seen somebody for eight years, how have you been, how is whoever, what else is happening, love what you have done to the house and then all of sudden Marie stopped Mum and told her that she had something to tell her.

Mum did the difficult which is to keep quiet, Marie took another deep breath and then she said “Mas, I have Cancer and I only have a few months to live and I want to say sorry to you” The Kitchen was silent.

Marie went on to tell much more, that she was so sorry for all the bitter things she had done to my Mum and Dad all those years ago and over the next few cups of tears we found out so much more of the bitter women Marie had been and the lengthy list of people she wanted to say sorry to before she died.

For the last few months of her life Marie was a pleasure, she visited often and when it got too hard for her she nominated me as the Chauffer and I helped to take her too many other people’s houses to deliver the good news of friendships rather than help her with the ball and chain of bitterness.

As I sit here now typing this article the one thing that was on my mind? How much time, how many lives, and what a waste that Marie had for so many years by dragging this ball and chain of bitterness with her, and what a relief to finally set it free, but the point that drives me? How many Maries are still out there? How many Maries or Marvin’s? Whatever the name how many are living, breathing and dragging the ball and chain of bitterness behind them, and how many will do what Marie did?

Create a Bucket list of apologies rather than a list of excitement. Yes it’s sensational what she did and we all remember her so much for it but why wait till the end.

Bitterness is often referred to among other things as a catalyst to some forms of illness as in reality it is so destructive not only to those that are on the receiving end of it, but to the one that’s dragging it around. You may have it or you may know people that have this ball and chain, you or they may have not done the nasty things that Marie did but no matter the size of the nastiness the impact can be as devastating.

Marie made the choice to finally do something about it, and luckily you and I have that same choice, but what do I suggest? Do it now do it today, take a good look at your Life and start a Comeback from Bitterness, how? It’s a tough process but so rewarding as in The Comeback Book I write about how I went through it. You may have to eat some humble pie but after you’re done I promise you it will taste like apple.

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Take a moment, grab a paper and pen and write down the things, people, places and events that have added to that weight around your ankle, make a plan to forgive and forget, make a plan to do it in person, send an SMS even an email, but most importantly do it now and set yourself free from that ball and chain that you have been dragging around for years and make a Comeback to forgiveness.

Life is way too short.

I send you big hugs and Love Shane

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Article2. The Ball and Chain Comebacks. Second Hour Addiction.

The Rialto in Melbourne is a wonderful building and 15 years ago it was the tallest and grandest and there I was sitting in front of one of the new breed of zillionaires way up high discyussing a business deal, didn’t think it could get mnuch better at the time. I tried to use all my skill to get him to finally sign onthe doitted line but he wanted a day to think about, the only problem we had he was flying out to Hong Kong the next day and I was flying to Los Angeles. He made the suggestion why don’t I go via Hong Kong? I could look at whaht he was doing over there and to make it even more interesting he promised to pick up the tab of the additional flight and pay for my hotel, wow to hard to say no as I had never been to Hong Kong and it would be fun plus I might get to finally close this deal.

I went back to my own office, told my boss about the idea, he said “Great” so tickets were changed and that night I was on my way to LA via HK. I arrived on the Saturday morning and took what is the most expensive cabn fare in teh world from the Airpoirt to Hong Kong Central and checked in at the Hotel the client had arranged for me. Wow this guy has got class I thought as I was escorted into the lift and next thing I arrive not at a room but a suite of a five star hotel, damm it beat the dull and dingy joints I was used to staying at due to the measly expense acoount my current employer provided for me, the bathroom in this suite was bigger than my hosue, I could adapot to this very fast I thought.

I called the client and asked him when he would be ok for a meeting, he told me to come to his office in an hour as in HK they work on Saturdays, and he also wanted to introduce me to some of his key people. Quick shave, shampoo and shoeshine and I was walking across the road to his office.

I was greeted by his secretary and escorted into his office and again I was gob smacked as this was like a scene from Wall Street, way up on the highest floor of the Biggest tower in Hong Kong, the view he had of the Harbour was incredible, hard not to be impressed with the image this guy portrayed, coffee served we started to sit down and talk business.

He started that chat straight to the point, “Hodgie” I got you to Hong Kong not to do the deal” I was shattered, I had come all this way to be told that, I kept thinking why he could have told me that in Melbourne, why waste my time but before I got the chance to reach for the tissues he stopped me.

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“I know you’re feeling disappointed, but let me tell you why I really got you here” he then proceeded to give me a huge pat of than the back, he really liked me and liked the way I had chased him for months trying to lock him down and sign this deal, and then he let it go, “Hodgie, I want you to work for me” I couldn’t believe my ears, he then wrote a number down on a piece of paper, pointed at it and told me” I will pay you this much” The number on the paper had one more zero than what I was earning, its also had some other things on it that really blew me away, business class travel, expenses and the title of “Director Of Internatioanl Business” Bit hard for a young fella from the Western Suburbs of Melbourne not to be imprsssed, but I wanted to hold back for a minute, I didn’t want to wet my pants there and then and jump at the offer.

I told him I needed a day to think about it, he told me that was fine and why don’t I take a look around Hong Kong and we could catch up for dinner and then I could give him my answer. He thought I might need some Hong Kong dollars so handed me an envelope and said “Taxi Money” I waited till I got in the lift to open the envelope and I was shocked to find it had around 10,000 Hong Kong dollars, wow that's a lot of Taxis! I had an awesome day shopping and sightseeing, and yippee had lots of change left over, overall it had been a sensational surprising day. I felt important, I felt recognised for my hard work, I felt good and it had been a long time since I felt that way.

I got back to the Hotel and there was a message from the potential boss to meet him at his Hotel for pre dinner drinks, his Hotel happened to be the same as mine which made me happy as I didn’t have to walk through all those people again, damm Hong Kong is like walking through a Sardine Can just to get to the other side of the road, so may people in one small spot, as an Aussie boy I loved my space and I must admit I struggled being so close to all these people but the shopping was fun.

I got into my party dress and made my way to his room, his girlfriend opened the door and my god was she a stunner , she greeted me with a warm hug and welcome and led me into the livng area, asked if I would like a drink and I sat down and waited for the “man” to arrive.

Slicked back hair, designer everything he walked out and I could not help but think this guy really thinks he is Gordon Gecko (Wall Street the movie) but he was a nice guy and I was pretty well tempted to take his offer, just needed to spend a little more time with him.

He quickly got onto the subject of the offer and asked me my thoughts I told him I was around 70% just needed to have a little more information. He replied that’s ok maybe let’s talk more tomorrow tonite lets relax. He then without hestioation pulled out a silver encrusted pocket mirror, a little velvet bag, a gold straw and razor blade and procceded to lay out a huge line of Cocaine whilst we conducted small chat.

I was in shock.

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I had dabbled in speed and smoked a little dope in my early teens but this was like a scene from Scarface the movie and I didn’t know how to react, it got worse when he turned to me, straw in hand and said “ There Ya go” I didn’t know what to do, my heart wanted to say no, but my mind thought about not wanting to be different, or mess up the relationship, I hesitated for a minute kept up the small talk whilst jiggling the straw and then I thought, what the hell. In this split second of a wrong choice I didn’t know it but I had begun my relationship with the ball and chain of addiction.

My god the night went so fast, we went to dinner, we went to club after club, I felt sensational and when I started to feel a little tired out would come the little velvet bag, a quick trip to the toilet and whammy we would be up and attem again, the night went on and on and next thing I knew I was watching the sunrise sitting on the balcony of the Bosses room, and I was starting to feel pretty low.

I decided at that stage I was gone and it was time to leave, my new boss (It appeared I had said YES during the night) told me I would be up and down a little during the day and slipped a present in my pocket, a little “take away baggie” to help me through the day as he put it. I said my goodbyes and went back to my own room to attempt to get some sleep.

My god what a day, up down all over the place, eyes closed but brain going no chance at all for sleep, I was kicking myself for being so stupid. I liked to be in control of what I was doing and this past twenty four hours that was no way gunna happen, that little white powder was in charge and it was not a good feeling now so maybe I better take advantage of the “Emergency” supply he had left me with is what I thought. Open the bag, quick production procedure and away I went and yippee I thought, as I started to feel what I thought was normal again.

The job was fantastic, sensational money I got to travel all over the place in style, I really loved it but each time I would arrive back in Hong Kong it was always the same routine, quickly dash from airport, grab taxi and high tail to the dealer in Mid Level and score. The weekend could only be described as a super hypoactive fast blur. I kept thinking I was ok, I was only doing it on the weekends, I could handle my job, I was doing fine, this didn’t control me I controlled it.

The weekends started to get shorter, Monday seemed to arrive a lot faster than it did before and it was getting harder to take on the day, I thought to myself at that stage that doing a “Little” on the Monday morning would make life a little easier, take the chill off the downers that were called Mondays. It didn’t take very long and The Mondays became any day that ended in “Day” but that’s ok, I can control this, I’m in charge, I mean I’m the one making the choice, I can kick this anytime I feel like, that was the mantra I would say to myself just before I scored, or just before I shoved another line up my nose, I can handle this as I took another $1000 from the ATM each day.

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Hong Kong started to take on a different dimension, the crowds on the street, the trains were now becoming intolerable, and I hated the place. I would walk down the street pushing and shoving, I would abuse people on trains and in resteraunts, I would fight people, at the drop of a hat in bars, but that’s ok. I mean it’s not me I thought, its these people, the other people they don’t understand what it like to have manners, be polite how dare they act like that to me, that was my thought my mantra as I walked down the stairs or went to a bar, I’m in control they are not.

A year passed so fast, my work I thought was good I was in control I mean I didn’t need this stuff when I was away, but I noticed I would get the trips over as fast as I could or if I had stayed longer? I had an ever populated mobile phone of dealer’s numbers in whatever place I was visiting, always amazed me the information you could get off a like minded Taxi driver.

What I did notice was my patience with people was thin, how dare these idiots take their time, how dare they say no or I want to think about it, stupid people I would think, in the end I was walking out of meetings faster than the way I was walking in. That’s ok, they are stupid, it’s not me, they just don’t appreciate what I’m presenting, silly people, that was my mantra, I was in control I could quit anytime I felt like it.

It was a Wednesday night, and it was my job to entertain some boys from Australia who had come to Hong Kong for a series of meetings, being the now resident party boy who new all the good bad and ugly of Hong Kong nite life I seemed to always get this job, must admit I loved it. A quick trip to mid levels and I was stocked up for what was going to be in my mind a sensational night on the town with some like minded boys. I met them at their hotel a quick line of get up and go and the night was waiting. These boys loved the girly bar scene so off we went to down town Wan Chai which has a huge selection of the seedy places that these blokes would enjoy.

Hong Kong is an incredible place at night and whilst Lang Kwai Fong is the Mecca of music and dance, Wan Chi is the place for what’s best described as adult entertainment, bar upon bar of bad music, bad beer and bad ideas. The place gets you going, music pounding from the bars, lights flashing all over the place it’s enough to get your heart pumping without the fast stuff that was pumping through all our veins, but for me it wasn’t enough I need a little more. I looked up and there it was a McDonalds flashing sign which to me did not mean hamburgers it meant clean toilets and that was where I could “Top Up” before we hit the bras, I told the guys I would be back in a second and dashed into the Maccas all excited with what I was about to received.

The toilets in HK are so small; space is at a premium so they don’t want to waste it on some little room that is only used on occasion. I squeezed my way in locked the door and proceeded to prepare my feast. I don’t know what it is about addicts but you always think there is no limitation, no ceiling on “High” I was already running a million miles and hour, shaking and carrying on no need to push it further but yet I would still try, all the time quoting my mantra, “I’m in control. It’s ok. I got this” as I was doing my preparation thing I heard a commotion outside the door, I panicked and tried to quickly pack things away and in the process dropped the lot in the toilet bowl, a couple of thousand dollars now lay all wet and soggy at the bottom of the sea of porcelain.

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You would think that I would have classed this as an omen called last drinks and gone home? No I quickly grabbed the phone, called the hotline and ordered another round. Told the guys I would be back in ten minutes and hailed the first cab and off I went to the Mid Levels happiness doctor.

After the obligatory sharing of the product, cash exchanged I was back in the cab to meet up with my associates to continue the night of nights, I’m in total control right?

We walked into the bar and it was all to wall women, ear to ear music and mouth to mouth booze, my ideal place but a deadly concoction of trouble in the state I was in.

I was out of control, in fact so bad even the guys with me could not handle it, I was ordering drinks for the bar, having ten girls wait on my every wish, buying them drinks, dancing all over the place.

One of the guys stood up and suggested we call it a night, how dare he I thought, “We” are having the time of our lives, what your problem, threw the bag of goodies at him and told him get it into, enjoy yourselves. He and the others didn’t want to get with the program and told me they were leaving, “good riddance” I told them, “Go home, Get a life” how dare they I thought, cant they get it, I’m stressed, I work hard, I should be able to enjoy myself, I deserve this pleasure. What do you mean, “I’m out of control” bullshit, I can handle this I’m ok.

They left, yippee I thought, I don’t need them, “Lets Party” The dawn came and it was time to settle the bill, I couldn’t see the credit card slip let alone sign it, but with the help of the MamaSan I scrawled my name on the piece of paper. I don’t know how I got home, I don’t really remember much at all. My mouth wasn’t working, my steps were all over the place, my heart was racing, I was sweating, I needed to lay down, I need to be safe that’s all I was thinking. I’m in control of this, all I need do is lay down, then I will be ok then there was silence.

I woke up with no familiar face staring at me and a bunch of machines bedside me, I was in hospital, the staff told me I almost died, I had pushed it too far, I have to give this up. The doctor came he told me the same thing, my mind? It’s ok I’m in control, I will get out of here and all will be ok, back at work all will be good, no drama its fine I have this covered.

The bad news started.

I had been in the hospital a week and it was time to checkout, although I was suffering shocking withdrawals the relaxation medicine they had prescribed was helping a little, that’s ok I thought I can go to my “Own” happiness doctor when I’m outta here it will be fine then. Dressed and packed I moved down to reception to pay the bill, out came the trusty MasterCard to settle up and be on my way.

The card didn’t work, “Declined” was the call, I was indignant with the receptionist, “Must be a mistake” so she tried again, this time it answered, “Refer to Bank” so we called. I cannot understand this I have a high limit must be a mistake, she called the bank they asked to speak with me.

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“Your over your limit sir, how can that be I have a 100,000HKD limit, what is the balance now, 125,000 she replied Sir, I challenged her and asked to know the past weeks transactions, there was only one, from a bar in Wan chai, 125,000.00HKD, or to make it a “smaller” Number $16,000.00USD. Frantic discussion with the bank left me knowhere, I had signed for it so I owned it, after a few panicked phone calls a friend came to my assistance and paid the Hospital bill and I was set free, but the drama was going to continue.

I arrived home to see an envelope placed on my front door, inside contained a termination letter from the board of my Company, I no longer had a job. I got phone calls from the landlord as I had not paid the rent as there was not sufficient funds in my account. In one day, my life totally crashed and so did I, all I kept thinking was? I thought I was in control. I thought I had it covered, I thought I was ok.

I sat alone in my apartment and the severity of the situation hit me, I was broke, out of a job, and alone, my high flying life had come to a dramatic stop, I lost all control of any positive thinking and then in an instant I calmly I opened my wardrobe grabbed my favourite suit, shirt and tie and laid it on the bed. It was simple I was going to have a shower, get dressed and jump eleven floors.

I heard the knock on the door whilst I was showering, it was my Girlfriend she had tried so hard to contact me this past week, came to my house each day, in the end she went to my work and they told her I was fired. I told her I didn’t want to see her but she asked me so many times to let her in so I did. She noticed the clothes on the Bed and asked me what I planned to do so I told her, I wasn’t looking for her to stop me, I was determined but I suppose I wanted to make sure that somebody knew, that somebody could contact my family back home and tell them, even though I thought they wouldn’t care.

She made a coffee and told me to sit down and simply said “You need help” Hello? really.

She asked me to listen to her, and for the next few hours I did, she then asked if we could put the suit away, and I said ok. She ordered some food and we talked for the rest of the night until I finally collapsed with exhaustion, to wake the next day, the problems still remained, but hope was in the distance.

I was in a bit of a mess, the withdrawals were really bad now, I was a shaking quivering mess not really knowing how to cope with all this, with her help and money from her family I was able to see a doctor and be placed under care, it was sort of like an in-house rehab to help me get over the withdrawals and be able to function again. It was tough, but I made it through.

Drugs really stuff up your sense of nay reality and mine was totally gone, this once switched on, quick thinking talented man was turned into a skinny, brainless fool that had no idea of responsibility or his actions, I had so much going for me but through this crazy time it had all disappeared.

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My return to normal was slow, but I made it and as the months went by I slowly but surely started to regain what I had lost and soon a job offer came from Malaysia and at last I was able to leave Hong Kong and really get back into making my life whole again, was I smart? No there is no such thing as a smart addict, I was lucky, luckly that I answered the door!

In The Comeback book, I discuss addictions. I don’t slot it all into a category of drugs, gambling or Alcohol. Addictions can come in many shapes and product. You can be addicted to a person and that can be as damaging as a drug, you can be addicted to a sport, to food, addiction is something that takes over your total being and leaves room for nothing else. Addiction can suck the very life out of you and bring you to a point that when faced with nothing? You may well take the choice to leave with nothing and put that Suit on instead of putting it back in the wardrobe.

The one thing I have found about addiction is? It’s all about stuff that’s introduced; no addiction is part of your normal wonderful pure DNA. The key is that being “introduced” you can ask it to leave.

You don’t have to make it permanent or an ending in your life.

I found that to overcome the introduced I needed to find better guests to invite to my party of life.

The “Guest” I had introduced was Cocaine, I thought it was perfect, I thought it gave me fun, I thought it made life so wonderful but in the end? It cost me dearly and nobody else wanted to be invited to the Shane party.

The guest of love, Common scence, decency, reality, energy, friendship all refused the invitation and I was left alone with the guest of addiction.

Can you get over it? I did so that means you can, is it tough? You bet it is, but it is possible. Is it simple? No its not, but you can kick out the invited guest. How? Get to the point of understanding, “The Things that matter? Are things that matter” what matters? The Invited guest of Love, what doesn’t mater? The introduced guest of addictions.

The addiction guest brings no joy with it only destruction, but I know with all the addicts I have dealt with over the years in counselling they will always say, “ I know that but I can’t stop” well I am witness that you can. You need time to heal, you need time away from all the things that can lead you to invite the guest of addiction back into your life party. Time, space and friends will give you the chance to find out “The Things that Matter” and lead you to enjoying them and making them the only guests you invite to your life party. Believe me without addiction your life will be a sensational party and you have so much energy, joy and then wow so much happiness.

So my advice? There is a miracle to kicking addiction its called “Have to” or “Want to, and until you get that? You will continue to invite what you don’t want into your life and avoid or destroy what you need in your life. Look in the mirror, look around you do you really love what you see?

If your addiction is drugs what do you see? Physical changes, economic changes, embarrassment, lying, deception? If your addition is gambling what do you see? No money, no hope, no vision, no future? Whatever your addictions, when you look in the mirror do you like what you see?

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When you can answer NO, when you can truly commit to that? Not by people forcing you, not by being placed in to a “Have to” reaction, not just by medication or therapy, when you can look in that mirror and scream at the top of your lungs “I want to kick shit out and enjoy this party of a real life, I want happiness I want and will introduce love” then you can begin the road back, The Comeback can be yours.

I want to thank you for reading this article and I want to dedicate it to Tracy, thank you so much baby for helping me put the suit back in the wardrobe, I will never forget it. Love you.

I send you big hugs and Love to you all Shane

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Article3. The Ball and Chain Comebacks. Third Hour Nightmares.

I had been in the Country just over a week and was loving the life of an expatriate, the weather, the freedom and everyday in a strange place was an adventure. The people you meet seem to have the same attitude even after years away from home; I kept thinking I could get used to this place and this life and not leave it for years. It should have dawned on me that most of the expats I met were at the Pub and they may have gone there in a bad mood but after a drink or two life is wonderful and every conversation is a Travel Brochure of why the place is wonderful.

At the bar I had made friends with a great couple, he was a construction manager from Denmark and she was a local, she told me I “must” meet a local girl if I was going to live here as it would make my life a lot easier and she had just the right cousin she wanted me to meet, god how many times I had heard that back in Australia, but I was game.

We had arranged to meet at the same watering hole the next night and she would arrange for her cousin to come along and meet me and as she said you never know Cupid may strike! Next day I walked into the bar and noticed my two new friends among the crowd so made my way through and ordered a drink and immediately asked her where is her cousin, she laughed and said that she would arrive shortly. Typical of Asia shortly means anything up to a few hours so by the time she did get there I was well and truly on my way to happy land and singing up a real storm in the place, it’s one thing about us aussie’s no matter where we are in the world you can certainly here us.

Well my friends partner was right and the moment I laid eyes on her Cousin Cupid had shot his arrow, my god she was so beautiful I was absolutely gob smacked she had the most amazing Grey eyes (I felt stupid when I found out they were contacts) and this little aussie Fella for the first time in a long time was stuck for words. She politely held out her hand and introduced herself and said its very nice to meet you Mr. Shane, wow Mr. That was nice Mr. Shane I liked that.

The night went along really well, the new found love and I hit it off famously and at the end of the evening exchanged phone numbers and promised to keep in touch. The country I was in was a Muslim Country of which I really didn’t at the stage understand very much at all about the culture which made for a frustrating courtship with this new lady. I was so used to the Western way of boy meets girl; boy and girl like each other, boy and girl pretty well go out again straight away. Well I 15 | P a g e Copyright

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called this lady so many times and asked her for coffee, lunch, dinner, breakfast, the zoo, a walk in the park I was thinking its going to take so long I might be inviting her to my funeral!

Finally, she said yes and that was on the condition that another one of her cousins came along as well, yep still very much into the chaperone stage in this culture. I said ok and all three of us had a wonderful evening eating some of the country’s local delights. This chaperone scene lasted almost a month and then finally I had to explain that even though I understand it, in the west two is Company and three is a crowd. She looked at me, smiled and replied “To Enjoy the Coconut”? You have to take your time and put in some hard work taking away the shell” So, I shut up and got used to it, funny though after that it was only one more date and then she proclaimed that’s if it’s ok with me? we are now classified as an item and it is therefore ok to go out alone. Wow. We became inseparable, she introduced me to her wonderful country, taught me how to eat all the different foods, the customs, the language, and I must admit her cousin was so right that doing business in the place, became a damm sight easier with her showing me the ropes but moreover the local business leaders were so happy when I introduced my girlfriend and they saw that she was local. She also had a pretty well connected network of her own and was now starting to introduce me to people that she knew, I was starting to think this was not only a great place but she was making it even better.

My Dad once told me you really don’t know somebody till after a few months, takes a while Son for the crack in the concrete to show, he was pretty smart my Dad, all relationships start off all Goo Goo Gah Gah starry eyed and then as time goes on you start to see the “Real” and it may not be as good as you first thought.

Well the cracks in the concrete came along slowly but surely but I put up with them, she was a little bad tempered, a little possessive as in she didn’t like me going just about anywhere by myself, but it was not bad I could put up with as the pros far outweighed the cons. However soon I was going to find out a little more how possessive she was.

A good mate of mine from Australia was arriving, he had emailed me and asked could we get together as he would only be in town for one night. I was so happy nothing like getting together with an old mate over a few too many beers and having a good old laugh. I told the girlfriend he was coming and I would be going out for a beer with him and she was not happy at all that I wanted to go to a bar without her, a small argument but in the end she approved and I was showered and dress and on my way out of the door.

In typical Aussie fashion my old mate and I had a great night a real boys night, drinking, singing and laughing, chatted to a few girls introduced him to my local mates it was a top night. Far too soon the clock struck late o’clock and it was time for last drinks and to go home. I escorted him back to his hotel gave him a big hug and told him not to wait too long to meet up again. I was as happy as I jumped into my car and proceeded to make my way home.

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I don’t know why but when I looked in the rear mirror I really felt that I was being followed, seems when I turned left so would the car behind me, I would turn right and it would do the same, it wasn’t close enough for me to see the number plate or style of car but its follow the leader mode really made me think it was chasing me. I tried to forget about it but as I glanced up one more time, the car was a lot closer now and I could see the number plate and I was shocked, it was my girlfriend’s car.

We pulled into the underground car park and before I had a chance to say “Honey I’m home” the drama started.

She was yelling screaming, kicking my door, demanding I get out of the car, I couldn’t believe it she was so angry those wonderful grey contacts had turned Fire Engine red. I opened the door and she immediately jumped on me and started punching me and screaming at me, all I kept thinking was shit what have I done.

I managed to subdue her and calm her down and told her we would talk about it inside, it’s too late if she keeps shouting we will wake people up it’s not a good thing. She huffed and puffed and stormed towards the lift and that 15 floor ride was silent except for the steam coming out of her ears.

No sooner had we gotten inside the door did she start on me again, this time the punches were quite nasty as were he nails scratching my face, I had enough and basically though I couldn’t hit her so, I sat on her.

She promised to calm down; I told her I would let her up as soon as she told me what had caused her to be so upset. She told me that she didn’t trust me so followed me to the bar and watched me the whole night, she was so angry with me that I was having such a great time without her and how dare I talk to other women. I made a big mistake, I told her “Whats wrong with speaking with other women” and then I let her up. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and started to chase me around the room and using the “I will kill you” sentence (My dad didn’t warn me about that) I didn’t know what to do so I chose the great Australian art of self defence “Athletics” and ran out the door, no shoes, no wallet nothing just took off and once downstairs asked the local security guards to help me.

The local lads explained to me that it’s in the women’s DNA of this country to be very passionate about their men and occasional you have to expect this type of outburst, Hello she’s swinging a carving knife at me I think that’s more than an outburst. They said its ok just give her half an hour she will calm down and she will be all sweet and loving again. I waited with the guys for half an hour and then asked them would they let me through the security doors as I had left my keys as well as my shoes upstairs when I did the “flight rather than fight”.

We got out of the lift and to our surprise the door to the apartment was wide open and not a peep was coming from inside, none of us were prepared for what we were about to see. The whole floor of the apartment was covered in broken glass and dinner plates, and without my shoes I had to use the outside mat to wipe a path so I could make it through the place. I went to my office and my god 17 | P a g e Copyright

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it looked like it had been hit by an earthquake, papers everywhere printer smashed, TV smashed, she had gone to town on my chair with the carving knife (Thank god it wasn’t me) we later found my laptop in the car park as she had thrown that 15 floors. I turned to the security guys and asked them if this is part of the culture? They smiled and said, “Sometimes”.

After they left I started the tidy up process, I tried to call her but all I got was voicemail, the cleanup took most of the night and I can’t even remember falling asleep but after a few hours I woke up and she was still nowhere to be seen. It was now Monday morning and I had meetings to attend so I shook my head at the situation and got ready for work as a big day was planned. I tried the whole day to call her but again and again all I would get was her voicemail.

One of the people she had introduced me to was one of her closest long time friend’s a wonderful women but moreover she was a powerful woman. It took a while but we became strong business partners and more importantly also great fiends and she was an incredible help to me in making some sensational business deals, which was great. We had wonderful times at her house, I was introduced to all her family and non business friends, I truly trusted the friendship and I know that she did as well. She used to make me laugh as when she would get frustrated with me she would always call me Shane Jeffery Hodge which was exactly what my Mum would yell when she was mad at me. Her being such close friends with my girlfriend made this relationship work well as there was never an ounce of jealousy or competition as they both loved each other so much and trusted each other the same.

I had always gone along with the way she did business even though sometimes I was not to happy at some of the corruptive elements. She was very close to Government people in her country and I really didn’t like doing business with those guys, bit to on the edge for this out of town boy I thought, but you need the Government connection to do most high level business in Asia so I would rarely protest and just go with the flow.

1997 was a crazy time in Asia once booming economies were starting to unravel so there were plenty of nervous people in business and moreover there was some pretty crazy deals happening.

We were involved in one deal that I was becoming more wary about by the minute as it involved some pretty shady characters, I voiced my concerns to my business partner and she very quickly said “Shane Jeffery Hodge” and I knew that was a key to shut up, but this time I wasn’t happy at all in remaining silent. That night I had a meeting with another close friend so I could discuss my problem with him and see if he could offer me some advice. He opened the conversation asking if I heard from my girlfriend, I told him it had been a couple of days now and I’m still getting voicemail, he told me not to worry she will come around sooner or later.

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I talked him through the deal I was involved in and the further I got in the discussion the more his eyes roamed around and the lower his eyebrows got. He basically told me not to mess with the people I was dealing with as they were far too powerful, it’s best if I shut and just do what I’m told. I left the pub still feeling very uncomfortable so I called my business partner and asked her to arrange a meeting the next day with her and a couple of the people involved, when she used that Shane Jeffery Hodge this time? I told her to please just arrange the meeting as I don’t feel good about it at all, she abrubtly said ok and then hung up. I tried the girlfriend one more time, just got voicemail.

We all met at the office the next day and moved into the boardroom to discuss the deal, with my business partner and a couple of other guys, the leader’s would never attend these meetings, they were very careful to make sure that they could not be linked in anyway so meetings with them were always held during a round of golf or quick discussions at a social event.

I was very nervous as I tried to explain my reason for not feeling comfortable about the deal, I tried to explain that I am a foreigner and if this deal backfired I dont want to spend the rest of my life in some foreign jail counting the cockroaches. I was basically told to sit down and get back in my box and they will handle things. I protested at this attitude and when told to sit down again I let fly with a sentence I should have thought twice about, for one split second I forgot I was in Asia and acted like I was at the football in Melbourne and I yelled At the top of my voice and told my business partner to “Shut The hell up Bitch” I had just abused a very powerful women, but worse, I had done it in public in front of her peers, I had in those five words made her lose a considerable amount of “Face” She glared at me, the room was so silent, she closed her folder placed it in her bag and left with the other gentleman quickly doing the same, not a word was spoken. My assistant who was in the room the whole time just looked at me and said, “My god do you know what you have just done” I told my assistant its ok I have had fights with my partner before, she just shook her head and told me that arguments are one thing but what I just said is something that will not be easily forgiven. I immediately called my partner and it just diverted to voicemail. I tried to all for the rest of the day but the answer was always the same “Leave a message after the tone” It has been five six days now since I had heard from my girlfriend and two since I had heard from my business partner and then out of the blue my girlfriend called me, she wanted to meet up if that was ok. We arranged to see each other as soon as I finished work, we could eat at the apartment as it would be quiet and we could talk.

She arrived and just like the first time we met I was basically assaulted by her beauty, she walked through the front door as though not a thing has happened, we sat down and talked, she said she was sorry and would I give her another chance, “In a heartbeat” I replied and that night was so Romanic so passionate I was happy she was back.

When I woke in the morning she was gone, and little did I know but a few other things were as well.

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I got myself ready for work and all I kept thinking was why she did that, why did she just turn up and do a midnight flit, I had no idea. Oh well I thought, I will just throw myself into the working day and keep trying to contact her, must be an explanation for all this.

Typical morning of bad traffic but finally I arrived and settled down to the routine which started with the usual morning meeting but it turned out this morning was not going to be ordinary. No sooner had I moved into the boardroom with a couple of people to discuss some of the thing we had on the go that our meeting was interrupted by a group of four guys asking for Shane Hodge.

I immediately spoke up and said yep that’s me and asked how I could help. They produced ID that said “Immigration” and asked if they could see my passport. I replied yep it’s at home cam we go and get it and then all hell broke loose. They advised me that is was a Government regulation for a foreigner to have his passport with him at all times and they suspected I was working illegally and would now be detained for further investigation. In a split second they had my arms behind my back and nice shiny but very uncomfortable handcuffs placed on my wrist.

I was in total shock but worse was to follow, they quickly whisked me into the elevator and then they basically paraded my through the lobby level of the building, it was not nice to be walked passed Starbucks in full view of friends and associates with handcuffs and guys in uniform, I was herded into a minivan out the front of the building and we took off.

I asked where we were going on numerous occasions, again I asked can I call somebody and get my passport, can I call my embassy and I they kept replying was “You are Under Investigation” We arrived at their office and again the public humiliation conditioned with me dragged from the van at the front of the building in full view of onlookers, pushed into another lift and the next thing I’m in a holding cell with a whole heap of other guys all of which did not have suits.

I tried so hard to keep calm, I had watched plenty of movies so I just sat at the front of the cell and tried hard to mind my own business, I just kept wondering what the hell I had done, why can’t I just get my passport and settle this thing and I can be on my way. Every time someone in a uniform went past I kept asking “What’s going on”, “When can I get out of here” and the answer was the same each time, “Your Under Investigation” The guys in the cell were not so nice, they started crowding around me asking me if Smoked, what had I done, I was starting to feel really bad by the second.

It seemed like hours but finally two guards arrived called my name and opened the door I thought sensational, at last we are going to sort this stuff out, the two guys basically lifted me up by the handcuffs and god it hurt as the steel was digging into my wrist, I got really angry and asked the guy to cool it and then without warning he just whacked me straight across the mouth. I couldn’t believe it so I asked him did he understand you cant do that people, and he whacked me again so I thought I best shut up.

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I was taken into a little office and basically thrown into a chair and left alone. I could feel blood running down my cheek, but with my hands behind back it was a little hard to wipe it off so I just rubbed it on my shoulder and then the door swung open and the two guys walked back in with another fellow. He proceeded to tell me that if I co-operated all would go well and I might be out of this place very soon, I again asked what the hell was going on they must not have liked the tone of my question as without hesitation one of the guys gave me a punch that sent me flying to the ground. I called him a name that put doubt on who his father was and that was swiftly answered with a kick in the tummy that well and truly winded me. I thought why is this happening, what have I done that’s so bad and then they picked me up and put me back sitting on the chair and I also thought I better not question the big guys parents anymore.

I was asked why I didn’t have my passport with me and why was I working in their country when I’m not supposed to, I tried to tell him that my passport was in my house and all they have to do is let me call somebody and I will get it picked up and then we can settle all of this. He proceeded to tell me that was impossible and I asked why, and then to my shock he opened a folder and showed me my passport.

I can’t remember what I said but I don’t think it was good as it fired up my sparring partner friend again and I received another series of whacks that this time truly had my head spinning so I decided the best thing to do was to say what appeared to be the guy in charge wants me to say.

He told me that I obviously had no understanding of the ways of his country’s culture as I had disrespected two of its women one of which just happened to be a long and dear personal friend of his boss the other was a young girl who was very much liked by the friend of the boss. He told me people like me were not welcome in his country and after I have been “Investigated” I will be deported and if I protest I will face another series of charges that are far worse than this “Immigration issue” At that stage I was putting two and two together, the first women he was speaking of was my business partner, the second women was my girlfriend. She had stayed with me only two days ago and that is when she must have taken my passport, but worse she had stayed with me and I was really scared that “Far Greater Charges” he was talking about may involve her. At this stage I didn’t want to get hit again and I didn’t want to discuss the far greater option so I thought it best to finally shut up.

The “Investigation” continued and was far from pleasant with the sparring partner occasionally getting involved and the next thing I knew I was waking up in a hospital feeling pretty bad and I’m sure looking worse. The hospital; was not a pleasant place but I was really glad to be out of the other building. I asked questions of everybody that walked past but that was a waste of time as they basically ignored me as they spoke very little English. A Doctor did tell me I had suffered a pretty bad beating but I will be OK, I need to rest here for a week and then Immigration would come and take me away again for further Investigation, wow I thought I get to meet up with those guys again bad Idea, but he was nice gave me something to sleep and slowly over the next few days I started to feel

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better and finally I could get up and have a shower. I looked in the mirror and I was black and blue it was a shock to my system, but worse I think was the shock to my spirit.

I thought how could people that only a couple of weeks before loved me so much and I loved them set me up like this, how could people be so cruel as to allow this pain and suffering be inflicted upon me, what on earth is worth making this happen to somebody close to you.

The pain I had felt physically was nothing to what I was going through mentally and even when I was finally released from the Hospital and told by Immigration to leave, don’t past go don’t collect $200 just get out I was a tortured and broken heart not Body.

I did not get to see my Business partner or speak to her same with my Girlfriend, all the things I had done, all the relationships I had built, all what I value was destoyed in that few weeks and I was devastated and the nightmares were about to begin.

I left the country that had given me so much pleasure so many friends and I arrived back in Australia thinking I would be there and be able to let my wounds heal but that time at home only lasted a few days. I was asked by my Company to help them out with a deal they were doing in the US, I can remember my boss saying to me that the sunshine and lifestyle would do me good and help get over the ordeal I had just been through, I thought it through and agreed and next day I was off to LAX. It was exciting, I had never been to the US before, I thought it would help me heal but quickly I realised I needed much more. It wasn’t the difficulty in sleeping, it wasn’t the waking up in the middle of the night in cold sweats remembering those tragic few days of being humiliated and hurt I could handle all that, no these were not the nightmares that this Comeback article is all about.

The nightmares were not just the ones that wake you up screaming at night, the nightmares were there constantly, they were there before I slept and were there when I woke, the Nightmares were there when I met strangers, the Nightmares were there when someone would say “Trust Me” The nightmares were with any form of relationship that I tried to make.

The tragedy of what happened to me was that this man, who had loved so deeply and trusted without question no longer felt that way about anybody, the greatest hurt that can be set upon anybody is not the crushing of their body but the crushing of the human spirit.

When I started this article I wanted to understand who would feel like this, who would know the same pain? Would it be Children that had suffered abuse from a Loved and Trusted member of the Family? Men and Women that are subject to domestic Violence? Men and Women that have been faced with the knowledge that there partner had been unfaithful? A business owner who discovers that there partner has embezzled them? Yes these would be the people that would suffer the nightmare of the end of trust.

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But is it the end? Are we destined to have a life of Nightmares and drag that Ball and Chain with us for the rest of our lives? Can it be restored? Yes some of the Physical scars will remain but I believe we can, I believe we can “Comeback” to having trust again and break free from its chains.

I had a choice, that choice was to drag that ball and chain of nightmares with me for the rest of my life to let it impact on friendships, relationships or to do something about it and two years after that terrible time I finally got the opportunity to make that choice.

I had moved from the US to Hong Kong and had a job that required me to travel all over the region, and I must admit that I knew the day would come when I would have to visit the country that had caused me so much harm. I didn’t tell my new Contactor what happened I just made sure that I never created the opportunity to go to the place; I kept myself very busy in other Countries.

I was called into the CEO’s office and he told me he had heard about a sensational opportunity in that place I feared and he knew I had good contacts there and he wanted me to visit as soon as possible and the nightmares began whilst I sat in front of him. I walked out of the meeting knowing it was the time to face my fears. I was always worried that I would place my passport at the entry point of that Country and the guys eyes behind the desk would light up and I would be whisked away for another appointment with my former sparring partner.

I went back to my office and took a deep breath as I stared out the window, no choice it was confront my fear time. I called a good old friend who worked there and asked him for my old business partner’s number, “What” he said, after all she has done to you, you’re going to call her? I told him to shut up and give me the number.

I shook as I dialed the number, the delay you get with International calls seemed like an eternity and then she answered, I said hello, she said what do you want. I explained to her that I had to visit her country and I wanted her assurance that nothing would happen to me, the phone went silent for a minute and then she came back with it. “Shane Jeffery Hodge” when you arrive, call me and we will have lunch and discuss it then.

I felt I had assurance I would not be troubled on entry but there there was no guarantee I feared from that point, but I had to take the chance, so tickets were booked accommodation arranged and I left the next day.

Standing in the Immigration queue the nightmares started, “What if she lied” “What if they nab me” I couldn’t go through all that again, I must have looked like a nervous drug courier standing there I tell you, and then the guy behind the counter looked at me, looked at my passport, hesitated for a second and then I heard that “Chop” as the metal stamp went down on my passport and he said, “Welcome to our Country, enjoy your stay” wow.

I arrived at the Hotel, got settled in and it was time to call her, she told me to meet at what used to be one of our favourite restaurants in a few hours it was the most horrible wait and when I finally got there she was nowhere to be seen and I immediately thought it was all a setup.

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Thank God she arrived in typical grand fashion as was her way, she made enough noise so she was noticed by the staff and they opened the door for her, walking through the crowd saying Hi to this person and that person a couple receiving her seal of approval kiss on the cheek and then she arrived at the table.

“Shane Jeffery Hodge” you look good, have you been behaving yourself? Was her opening line, I laughed and said, “Yes” she replied, “Well maybe I taught you a good lesson hmmm” The conversation went on and then she stopped me, she told me that this past two years had been very tough on her and her business, she was not a great believer in Karma but maybe in this case it had some merit, she told me she did not regret “Whacking” me in her words but she did regret the severity and would I forgive her?

When she asked that question, I had flashbacks of the great times that we had shared, and then moments of the terrible times that came at the end of it, but I was faced with an opportunity right now to cut the ball and chain of nightmares free from my legs, I had the chance to forgive.

I looked at her and let it out, “I forgive you” I then got up reached across the table and hugged her.

We continued a wonderful business relationship for the next two years and I am proud to say we became great friends once again until she sadly she passed way from an untimely stroke.

The Girlfriend? As fate would have it whilst I was in my favourite bar the Next night having some catch up drinks with some old mates, I asked them if they had seen her and they told me they had not, they think she had met a guy and got married and moved overseas.

Fate is an incredible thing and who should walk into the same bar on my next trip? She did. The place went a bit quiet as a lot of people new the history between the two of us. As I walked up to her she was looking a little more scared than pleased to see me, I just held out my hand and told her she looked great and it was nice to see her.

She told me she was happy, had a wonderful man and was really enjoying her life in her new Home Country and they looked forward to having a family soon, a little bit of small talk and then I stopped her and told her I had something to say. I reached for her hand, held it and told her, “I forgive you” she cried and replied “Thank you” The Ball and Chain of my nightmares were now totally set free.

Nightmares are terrible, and the pain and suffering that are associated with them can be totally destructive. It can last moments or a lifetime, we can allow it to continue to haunt us on a daily basis or we can make the choice to one day say “Enough” and stop it from allowing us to live a life of passion and joy.

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I have found that there is no miracle cure for these nightmares, there is no drug, no therapy time on the couch that will totally wipe them away, what I did find, what worked for me? Forgiveness.

When I forgave those two people it took away the DAM that had been built and allowed the flow of Joy to comeback, the dam of resentment, and lack of trust was not totally demolished that took a few years, but what it allowed was the flow to begin. As each day passed, and another great memory, another good moment, another wonderful friendship was started; another part of that dam broke away.

Yes, the pain and the hurt when somebody breaks your trust is a terrible thing, but allowing that to be The Ball and Chain that you drag around for the rest of your life is far worse.

Forgiveness, that’s the key to breaking free of this Nightmare.

Big hugs and Love from Shane

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Article4. The Ball and Chain Comebacks. Fourth Hour Secrets.

What can I say Secrets? We all have them and when I began this article I had a tragic secret that I wanted to share and discuss. It was going to be all about mine and others Comeback from the years of devastation of that secret. It wasn’t just my secret it was shared by a few and I of course had to get there permission before I wrote in my normal no holds barred attitude as I didn’t want to offend anybody but that’s when the problems started.

I called the first person and got a warm response and was told I best ask the second person. I approached the second person via another party to feel things out and then found that if I wrote about that secret? It would cause a lot of problems. I was starting to think maybe I’m not meant to write this secret article, maybe I got the title wrong or something. I agreed not to write about it.

I was devastated, this secret has been a destroyer of so many lives how can those individuals not allow the Truth to set them all free? I then walked around the garden playing with the dogs and it dawned on me how selfish, are secrets?

Secrets? The people that create the need for them are selfish and the people that keep them? They are also selfish, to whom? To Themselves. I had lived so many secrets, was I selfish? Why did I create them?

My mind raced back to over 30 years ago and reminded me of one of my darkest most selfish secrets. It was a Wednesday afternoon, my wife had suspected that something was different, we knew the possibility but we needed to get the real test done to see if it was actually true. I can remember the smile on her face as she walked out of the office, I asked her “well” and she replied, “I will tell you in a minute” We payed the bill and walked outside and got inside the car and I offered her a cigarette, she said I cant have one, and I asked her “Why” and she just smiled and at that moment I knew, I was going to be a Dad. Wow I was so excited I grabbed her gave her a massive hug and immediately we went and did the run around to visit all the important people and tell them the great news. It was great news, not only was I going to be father for the first time, my Mum and Dad were going to be Grandparents, it was so exciting and people were so happy.

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All seemed to be going according to plan, we attended all the normal prenatal things and I learnt how to breath ( as if I didnt know that huh), how to encourage, damm we even got to try the Gas you could use to dull the pain. Made me laugh though as all the girls in this group all made it quiet clear that they would not be heroes and suffer they would reach for that gas at the earliest moment should they even feel a little twinge above a headache. They were great times, she was five months and we had just bought all the Bedroom things we would need. The Cot, Toys that hang from the roof, baby baths all the things I imagine that a couple would go buy when this exciting time first come around, it was special and I was so looking forward to being a Dad for the first time.

Then it happened.

It was early in the morning and she felt that something wasn’t right, yes she had little niggling pains but this was different, she was feeling an incredible urge to push. We got straight into the car and drove as fast as we could to the hospital, both of us praying; please don’t let this be a huge problem.

She was quickly taken into emergency and Doctors were coming and going and finally they told us that she had gone into labour and they have to stop it as its far to early for the baby to be born. She was given an injection and within an hour the urge to push had stopped and we waited patiently for her Doctor to visit her and tell us what had caused this and will it happen again.

It tuned out that several years ago, she had been involved in a car accident and broken her pelvis, it wasn’t a worry when things are normal but now that she is pregnant that changed the whole situation. It seems that with all the expansion, the damaged Pelvis gives the body the impression that its delivery time and away she goes into labour. The Doctor assured us that they can keep this in check and all should be well until our little bundle of joy is ready to finally come into the world. We packed up and went home feeling a lot more comfortable and confident.

A couple of days passed and all seemed ok and then I got a phone call at work, it was my wife and she was frantic the Pushing had started again; I got home as quick as I could and once again we rushed off to the emergency department. They managed to stop it again but this time the Doctor told us he was a little concerned and maybe we need to discuss some options, he had to make a few calls and would be back shortly. We both were so worried, so anxious, we had no idea what he meant by “Options” .Does this mean we could lose the baby?, would we have to go through this every few days rushing back and forth to the hospital? What if something went wrong, what if we didn’t get there in time, it was a terrible wait until finally he came back.

He told us we really only had two choices, we could leave it as it is and take the risk that we may not get into the hospital on time or the best option was that She stay in hospital until she was full term.

To him this was the best choice as they could monitor her constantly and they could administer medication to make sure the “Premature Labour” would not start in the first place.

She was only five months so we were looking at a four months stay in Hospital, such a long time it would place and incredible strain on her and us but in reality it was either do that or risk losing the child, so I was sent home to pack some things for her and get ready for the long haul.

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As I was packing her things I was thinking what am I going to do, this is going to be so hard for her and me, no house, no privacy. I just shook my head and ended the thought that we will be ok, we are tough no drama we will make it through this.

The first couple of weeks was Ok, I would get up and go to the hospital before work so we could have breakfast together, then as soon as I finished work I would hi tail into the Hospital too make sure I was there for dinner. We would sit and chat watch TV it wasn’t that bad just got a bit annoying when all the other people would get visits and the place would get so dam busy and loud that we had very little private time. We did as best we could by making sure we could go for a walk and that seemed to help. The walk came to an end on week three.

The medication must have lost a bit of its “Grunt” and the labour started again, a few frantic hours went by and they stopped it but we were then handed the bad news that the only way they could guarantee that this would not happen again? would be if She limited her movements. It appeared that our daily walks aggravated things so the only thing to do was to make sure that the greatest distance she travelled was to the toilet and back to bed.

It was ok but not for long, the pressure of the fear of going into labour again, the confinement was really taking its toll on her and the visits were starting to be just fights, I was getting frustrated it was not a good time. I don’t blame her now, my god I would go stir crazy if I was put in the same position, but at the time? It was not easy.

Each time I went in it would only end up in fight, and it was my fault, my fault she got pregnant, my fault this was happening, and I was starting to feel a little down myself. The constant travelling, the worry, all of it was getting a little too much and at the end of one visiting session I decided that I need to switch off from all of this for a while.

We had lived pretty much a close family life, our social life evolved around visiting family, having BBQs, watching Movies, I tried to keep that going whilst she was in Hospital but with the constant questions I would get about whats going on I needed to be somewhere else for a time. I need a break from it all.

Another night in the hospital but this night I didnt take the freeway exit home, I kept going and thought I would take a drive to the City. It had been a long time since I went to a bar at night but I just need a break from all the stress of all this, I know it sounded like an excuse but it was the truth it was all getting a bit too much for me.

I drove into town, it was a Tuesday night so the streets were not that busy, I looked at all the Neon signs adverting the Music that was playing, Live bands were so popular back then and I noticed a sign that said “Rock Steady” playing tonite, I remember thinking, yep I need to be steady and be a rock that place will do me.

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As soon as I walked into the bar I really felt out of place, I’m there in my work shirt and pants minus the tie, I really must have looked like a married man that should be home, I did feel totally out of place amongst all the other people. I ordered a drink and stood at the edge of the stage getting ready to listen to the band. Then Like a bolt out the blue this lady just turned up, all I can remember was her basically getting nose to nose with me and saying “I know you” I vaguely remembered the face but couldn’t quite get where I knew this person from, I smiled and said I’m sorry, she then said to me, Your Shane, we went to school together, we lived close by to each other, she reminded me of her name, but I will call her my secret. The memory kicked into gear and I pictured this rather cute lady in a School Uniform and yep she was right we went to the same high school except she was a year below me.

We went through the normal preamble of what are you doing, where do you work, do you see anybody from school, I think she did most of the talking or maybe it was more of the asking, god she was like a machine this gal, next thing the band started and before I knew it she grabbed my hand and said lets dance. The dancing wasnt pretty it had also been a long time since I had made some moves, last time I danced a lot it was moving to Staying Alive and giving my best John Travolta impression! That one dance lasted for many and in between we had a few drinks and a lot of laughs, god I had fun, I felt it was wrong but it was just so nice to be away from the stress for that moment, to laugh, not to fight. My Secret was so much fun and I really enjoyed her Company, the night was over it was really late and I dropped her home, there was no big romantic moment in the car we just laughed, she gave me her number and we promised to keep in touch, lets not wait till a school reunion or something like that.

I dragged myself out of bed only a few hours later as It was breakfast time at the Hospital, I can remember my wife saying that I looked like I had no sleep and smelt like alcohol, I replied that I had a drink at home and am having trouble sleeping, the secrets had begun.

I think it was two days later, I read in the paper that the same band was playing at that bar they were so good I thought I would go and see them again, I didn’t feel, that good going by myself, I didnt think it would hurt so I gave my secret a call, I mean we were old classmates that should be ok.

She was so excited to hear from me, we stayed on the phone for what seemed hours god she could talk and finally I popped the question if she would like to go and see the band again and in a heartbeat she gave me address and we arranged to meet at 9.

As usual I arrived at the hospital for my dinner and like clockwork it didn’t take long before the arguments began and soon I was on my way out of there and off to a night of what I called as “freedom” on the town.

I picked her up and she looked sensational, that wasn’t the main thing that made me happy it was her energy and the conversation it was such a breath of fresh air, again I knew it was wrong but after the stress and strain of the past few months it felt so good to just relax and be me.

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The band was great, the place, all of it was so good and then it happened, a romantic song and a pair of lips touched, it seemed natural, but then I thought how bad is this?. My wife is in hospital and I’m out dancing, having a good time, drinking, laughing and now? I’m intimate with another. The kiss had broken the bubble wrap, as we walked to the car we were not separated our hands made sure of that, we drove to her house laughing at chatting all the way, god I felt so free at that moment.

We arrived at her house and sat out the front, she didn’t want to go yet it was time for a smoke and a chat. She was not backward in coming forward and she came straight out with it that she really liked me and wants us to keep seeing each other but she has a few questions. I started to feel a little uncomfortable as we had gone along so nicely not really worried about anything apart from that fact we were school mates and that seemed to give us permission to be as we were, well excpet for the kissing but it was like a qualifying he’s ok she’s OK don’t worry, your safe.

Her first question was a bullseye, “Are you married” I took a gulp of air and replied, with yes, she looked half shocked but then asked me if my wife new where I was I replied No. The next question was “well where is your wife” and I replied, in hospital, she came straight back with don’t tell me she is having a baby! The answer to that question created a need for her and me to have a drink and we got out of the car and went inside the house.

The next hour or so was filled with me explaining what had happened, where it’s at now, the hospital situation as it is, the plans for the family future in reality not one secret was held between her and I on that night, and when we got to the end of all this discussion we came to an agreement.

The agreement was that we would continue to see each other until the day I became a father, whatever that day was? Would mark the end of this relationship, we would enjoy each others Company, she would support me but when that day came, it was over and that would be our secret.

Was it selfish? Yes totally, was it wrong? Yes, I have always wondered why sometimes in life, matters of the heart? Have no communication with right or wrong, they just are. I suppose that is the great mystery that has surrounded us humans since Adam and Eve ate the apple. Some things we do defy logic, but at that stage the secret? Felt right. I don’t have to explain what happended next I’m sure you would be able to do that yourself, the morning came and what was to become my daily agenda for the next few months began.

I loved her Company, I loved being with her but I hated the secret we had created.

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I would go to the Hospital and like a chameleon I would change, talk about the day, what’s going on, how are you feeling, How’s the treatment, my problems. I would sit there for an hour over breakfast and it was never hard until “Those” questions were asked, the ones that start to move into the SECRETS area. You look so tired, why are you not going to visit this one or that one, how come your never home, what are you doing, each time one of these questions was asked, it would tap on my secrets door and I would feel so uncomfortable, so bad. I would do my best to brush them aside but I knew deep down my wife really didn’t believe me, you could tell and that made me feel more disappointed in my secret self.

I would make phone calls during the day to my secret and the conversation was weird, we would always discuss how things are going at the Hospital, how is my wife, how is the treatment, any problems, is all ok, and then we would talk about each other. The nights would be the same in reverse, dinner at the hospital going over the same questions and then straight out to my secret where would discuss the same as we watched a movie.

The 21st of July 1981 arrived like all mornings do, but this one was going to be a life changer, my wife had now gone full term and an on that day it was decided the medication would be changed so as to allow full labour to happen and our Child to be born. It was so strange when I left my secret in the morning she gave me a big hug and said that today is a “huge day”, enjoy it make sure you keep your wife strong, when I look back on it now my god that was crazy.

I arrived at the Hospital and it was exciting, after all this time you would think a celebrity was about to come into the world, the doctors, nurse’s were all geared up for the longest labour in history to finally come to an end and at last everything all this bother was about? Would introduce themself to the world. We still had no idea if it was a boy or a girl as back in the day that was the way; ultrasound was good but not good enough to safely tell you if it was a boy or a girl.

The staff got my wife all nice and comfy and then introduced the medication that was going to make it all happen and they told us it would be fast and wow was it. Within a short period of time all hell broke loose and she was in the throws of really serious labour, we all thought this would be done and dusted super quick but it was not.

She pushed and pushed for what seemed a lifetime and nothing was happening, the morning turned into afternoon, then moved into evening and finally she told me she couldn’t take it anymore. It appears that the pelvic injury made it all happen but also made it stop. The little bundle of joy was trying so hard to get out and greet the world but a bit of bone was stopping it .So at 7 PM it was decided that it’s gone to far, Mum and Baby are in distress so an emergency caesarean was very quickly arranged. I was not allowed to watch it but at 7.13pm my son came screaming into the world.

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I got to hold him straight away, I got to give him his first wash, he had a little bump on his head from where he was trying to get out and couldn’t, I held him and sung “You are so Beautiful ” and my god he was a celebrity, even other women waiting to have there babies were lining up to see him, it was a sensational moment. I went back inside and gave him to his Mum and she just said “So you are what all this fuss has been about” I was so excited I ran to a public phone so I could call my secret and tell her the sensational news, she was so excited, she had lived all this with me the past few months, she felt so happy and relieved that all had gone well, she looked forward to seeing me when it was all done and we could have a celebration drink together.

The whole family was at the hospital and my relatives were so proud and they told me its time to celebrate so let’s go and find a bar. It was a clash for me, I wanted only to run and join my secret, but these guys who I was so close to also demanded my time. I called her and she just said you should be with them right now its a family thing. The clash in my mind was so severe, I really just wanted to be in another place with one person, but I could not tell the family that, it was a secret and I had to keep it that way. So I went and drank with them, the conversation was very one sided all I wanted to do was get out of there.

My Son was now safely in the world it was only a matter of days before he would come home and take over the little room with the cot and luckily all the blue stuff that came with it. It was a strange time knowing that on one hand a new beginning was about to happen and on the other hand the secret would be over and how selfish I felt.

The next couple of days were filled with spending time learning how to be a dad, washing, feeding and yummy I got to learn the art of changing nappies. The nights? Were filled with my secret and a conversation that seemed to be filling with more silent moments than anything else.

Five days went so fast and then the morning broke, I awoke and all I could think was this is goodbye.

My secret and I had made a promise to each other and now was the time to make that reality, this dream must now come to the point where we both had to wake up. It was 7.30 in the morning, not much was said over a cup of coffee, and when it was finished, we just looked at each and said goodbye after all this time, it was as simple as that.

I dove to the Hospital with a car full of baby seat and blankets all the stuff we would need to take home a new life leaving another one behind it was a very emotionally confusing moment. I walked into the hospital and after all the paperwork and another session of goodbyes; we left and went home to be a family.

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My secret and I kept to our promise, yes we met a couple of times but never as we were before, she had met another and I was shocked when she told me that she was now going to have a baby, it made me feel so sad as I knew in my heart that she had met someone as fast as she could to erase what we had, and things had not turned out as she had expected. Time passed and our contact got less until we spoke no more.

To this day she remains one of my most precious loves.

My marriage went along a downhill path, I don’t know if it was the secret that caused the gap but I’m sure it didn’t help. The time in hospital, a range of built up angers and only after a few more years we drifted totally apart until the relationship was over.

It is now Thirty years later and my relationship with my ex wife is sensational, we are the closest of friends and when we reflect to the time many yaers ago? She calls me an arsehole but with a smile, and tells me she forgives me.

I had not heard from my secret in all these years and then one day out the blue whilst I was living in the US I received an email from somebody whose name I didnt know. She asked me if I was the Shane who went to Maribyrnong High and a couple of other questions, I answered the email with a yes but with a further question of “Who are you” the email flew back a few minutes later with the answer, “It was my secret” My god I could not believe it after all these years we were soon chatting so many questions, so much laughter it was such a special moment and finally on a trip back to Melbourne we got to meet once again. She introduced me to her sons as “The love of her life” and it was so special, a moment I will treasure and its no longer a secret. I am so happy that after all these years when I saw her the love still beats true.

After I left her that night I wondered was it right or wrong back many years ago, and I know many of you reading this article will also think one way or the other. Some purist‘s will say I was terrible and some romantics will say sensational, but the answer is yes, It was so wrong and so selfish and it remained a ball and chain to me for so long.

You know after writing all this it then dawned on me, I was so determined to write about my original secret, I got so damm frustrated that I almost didn’t write it. In this writing I discovered the article was never meant to be about “One” Secret, the article was about all secrets that hold us back, secrets that become a ball and chain to our lives and can end up being so debilitating that they stop us from living a normal life, stop us from every day things, stop us from sensational relationship, sports, going out, travel. Secrets? They are things that we don’t want to share with anybody, secrets can be habits, they can be fears, Phobias, secrets can be a bad experience and they can be something we are ashamed of.

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Throughout the Comeback Series of articles I have bared my soul and life to all that read them. I have talked so many personal things but I have done that as I want to share my mistakes, my life story with everybody in the hope that one person will read it that needs to. Or maybe another will read and know exactly who else really needs to read it. A sharing of pain and suffering, of selfishness even some stupidity. I have shared my secret of “Lack of Trust” an attitude that was created by the betrayal of one I loved so much.

I have shared my secret of “Addiction” and the huge problems that caused me and so many others around me. I have shared my secret “Nightmares” whilst be interrogated unjustly by some lovely immigration officials, in that article I covered more attitudes of “Betrayal” that was the resulted legacy, but I Comeback through hard work to an attitude of Forgiveness.

All these articles have been shared to demonstrate that no matter how bad things get, no matter what damage is done, the opportunity is there to restore, re-invent and complete a Comeback.

But there are so much more, so many stories to tell so many secrets to share, not just my own as I hear of so many others.

I have learnt the secret of the gay cousin who lived in a small country town and kept his secret to himself for years, but people suspected and he suffered incredible shame and abuse at the hands of others, his breaking from the secret to truth was made the day he moved to the city and a new life of no shame in the truth and life at last opened up for him.

The son that has hidden the secret of fears and phobias for song long that it made it almost impossible for him to socialise as the thought of unclean hands and places drove him to nervous exhaustion.

The friend that through years of constant abuse from family members over her education performance kept the secret hidden so deep inside that any thought of failure in her grades? Would send her to the brink of suicide.

The family that kept the secret of a forbidden relationship that resulted in constant arguing and bickering, the secret that created a life long attitude of mistrust and little hope of forgiveness.

The Sister or that kept the secret of the Uncle cuddling and holding in a way that they shouldn’t, a secret that turned them to a life of constant broken relationships, unhappiness and even drug use.

The Friend that kept the secret of spending time behind bars as a result of crazy stunts as a youth, to frightened to make the secret known he lived a life of job to job never being able to use the talent and abilities that god had truly blessed him with.

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Secrets? Are selfish, for those that create them and those that live them, they are selfish because they hold back so many wonderful things such as love, fulfilment, pleasure and hope. They are selfish as they introduce and make almost permanent in peoples lives attitudes and values that become the ball and chain. A Ball and Chain that stop’s you from moving forward at the pace you were intended, sometimes they become so heavy that you don’t move at all.

Secrets will hold you back from “The Things That Matter? Are things that Matter” My own secrets, all the secrets I mentioned did just that and in some peoples cases they continue to do so and may never stop. What is the thing to do? How can we break this chain of secrets from our legs and move forward, it’s all about the truth, and The Truth is what will set you free.

In all my secrets, I finally told the truth, some were handed over quickly but it took many years for others until I finally let it out, yes some hurt but they are gone and no longer has power over me, the selfish nature was replaced with freedom.

If you have a secret that has become your ball and chain there is only one way to set yourself free, there is only one method of Comeback for this and that is to share it, and don’t wait do it now.

I often write about the weeks I spent with my Mum during the end of her days and the many things we discussed the things she taught me as well. My mother was a woman of so many secrets, secrets that had had such a level of destruction to her and all that surrounded her. In the last few days of her life she had such regret at those secrets and asked me to share with as many as I could that secret’s? Should never go to the grave, secrets should be outcast as early as you can so they have no chance to fester and destroy an entire lifetime for you and others.

During my eulogy at her funeral, I made that point clear, I used my mothers words as an example to all those sitting in front of me to give up there secrets, in my Mums words, do it today as tomorrow may be too late.

I know in my heart that some of them did, but I also know that some will not, those secrets will go to the grave. Those people may feel it’s the best thing to do, those people may think it will cause less pain to the ‘Innocent” well the truth about secrets? The damage has already been done, and to those that have been damaged? They sit back waiting for that bell of freedom to ring. So to those that have created, to those that are keeping and to those are affected by secrets, I close with this plea. Let it go, let the truth be known, as the truth will truly set you and me and all of us free.

Big hugs and Love from Shane

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Article5. The Ball and Chain Comebacks. Fifth Hour Stupid Mistakes.

Headlines Headlines read all about it, Sporting Superstar gets drunk and makes a fool of himself, Sporting Star has affair wife tells all, International diplomat beds chamber maid, World Famous Business man rocked by bribe scandal ahhh love these headlines don’t we?

But what happens to the people in the headlines? What happens to those that make the “Stupid” mistake? Usually its a disaster and careers are often ended, relationships destroyed and each time they try to make a Comeback to rebuild it seems the Editors of the Magazines and Papers that assisted in the destruction dust off the old articles and remind the world what a low life cretin you were back in the day.

Stupid mistakes happen to us all, its part of living but it doesn’t have to be part of dying!

Frank Sinatra sang it well, “Regrets I’ve had few but then again to few to mention” If we went through our lives without making some mistakes (mistakes=Low Level) we really would not have a life at all worth mentioning. Its not just the stupid mistakes (Stupid Mistakes = High Level)that cause the problem its the ball and chain that comes with some of them that does.

The superstars that make mistakes are bathed in the Press world as they are public and I as I wrote in the first paragraph us humans love to read about that kind of stuff and as for the tabloids? Wow they sell more papers and magazines because of it.

The Comeback Book is not about superstars and who they bed, who they rip off, what drugs they are taking no it’s not about those stupid mistakes as for some reason the superstars are only as bad as there last performance. As an example of that I could mention two stars that have made the dumb mistake ( Dumb Mistake=Reality TV Stars) of making soft porn movies and then in a short time with the PR machine behind them? Whoosh they were bigger and better than ever before.

No The Comeback is not about them; The Comeback is all about you and me type stupid mistakes.

You and Me? We don’t have the benefit of the PR machine, you and me when we make a stupid mistake we in most cases have to drag the ball and chain with us for a long time. When you and I make a stupid mistake our “Tabloid” are usually our friends, workmates and our family and quite often our conscious!

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Before I move on let me share with you an Important point to understand about a Ball and Chain created by stupid mistakes. The Original mistake is not the most serious of issues, we can get over stupid things pretty quickly even if they are a little damaging, so what is the real problem? It’s the links of chain we add to the Original Ball! We make a mistake, we don’t fix it, we add to it with another, another and sometimes an entire lifetime of links, and the more we add? The deeper the pain and the harder The Comeback Let me share with you something from a long time ago.

The dust had not settled on the Marriage break up even though it had been a few months a lot of pain and suffering still surrounded me. I was lucky though I had “My Love” and we had managed after all this time to keep our relationship under wraps even though we faced each other at work each day. We would often chuckle about it at night as we sat on her veranda drinking a nice red, “If only they knew” When the marriage bust up happened this relationship was not the cause but it fitted into the reason. I did not have a true love for her in the early stage and I’m sure she was the same, I think it fell really nicely into we enjoyed each others Company and the lust took control of us. As time went on the relationship moved forward and love was a driver and I could honestly look her in the eyes and say I love you. I still felt that in the back of our minds this was not permanent we both had different agendas and career paths but for the moment it was very special between the two of us and you never know what the future might change.

We managed the working week so well, we would go on appointments together, I would give her the hurry up on sales in General meetings, give the occasional blast behind closed doors and then once the weekend hit we would turn into Super Couple enjoying weekends away in between the rare occasions I got to see my kids.

Our secret appeared to be standing up well until we had a National Conference and the whole sales and marketing team from across the country was sent to a resort for three days of training and relaxation. They refer to these retreats as “Team Builders” but in reality they were just glorified pissups and opportunities to see who could sleep with whom. We both agreed to play the game as we did not wish to give fellow team mates an inkling into what was a huge taboo in the work place.

Its an unwritten law that The Boss and The Team Members should always have a degree of separation but in our case we had made the first of our stupid mistakes and our ball and chain was being created by the blacksmith!

The first two days of the retreat went quite ok, yes I had to sit back and relax whilst a few individuals made a play at her during the first dinner, and it got a little tougher on the second day when the “Studs” knew they had to give it there best shot as only one night remained. I tried so hard to hide my protection and jealous face but on the last night I think I failed miserably.

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The night was a pretty heavy one as the drinking had started early afternoon so by the time we all got to the last stand BBQ any semblance of fear or inhibition had been pretty much stripped away and the studs were in fine form The music which was playing quietly in the background got a little louder as did the moves and as I was talking to a colleague at the bar one of the boys made a move on my girl that was going to way to far and no sooner could you say “Stupid”, I forgot that I was the boss and flew across the dance floor and challenged the lad. A few pushes and shoves, some people stepping in and all was settled, I made the excuse that he was from another state so I was defending my team I thought it worked but as I would soon learn I aroused the suspicion of several key players in my soon to be downfall and another link had just been added to my Chain.

One of my team had always given the “ I know a secret ” look each time she watched the two of us together. She was a superstar at digging and finding out information that others would give up and scream impossible way before her, and after the retreat her attitude towards me had changed a lot.

She would constantly question me on how the divorce was going, where did my wife move to, when was the last time I saw the kids. She would often say how tough it must be to be alone especially on weekends. She got that bad at one stage I yelled at her and told her to give it rest and focus on her own problems. She was a pain that I ignored during the day and at night over the glass of wine my love and I would sit back and talk about the “Super Sleuth” and complain then laugh at what a pain in the arse she was.

We had just had a sensational weekend we had spent it up in the high country and it was glorious, the weather, the wine, it was so relaxing I must admit I was sad it was over but for the first time in a long time I was actually looking forward to going to work the next day. It felt like I had run the gauntlet the past month since the retreat and now my second wind had arrived and I was focussed and ready to make a huge leap forward and manage my team to some sensational sales figures.

Monday arrived and I drove into the car park with a real hop in my step, it was a good day but that all changed really quickly the moment I walked out of the lift.

In the movie Wall Street there is the scene where Charlie Sheen is walking into his office and as he walks past his work mates there smiles fall like a wave, there heads drop in manner that matches his footsteps, this continues until he gets to his office and he is greeted by the police waiting to arrest him for Securities Fraud. In my case there was no police or fraud but the dropping of heads and silence was well and truly there.

When I gave people the normal chirpy hello the everyday “Hi Shane” reply was replaced by just a nod and a stair at the floor, I didn’t get to my office I was stopped half way by my boss and there was no hello it was just “You, Me, MY office”

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We walked into his office and I was greeted by a guest who introduced herself as the Director of Human resources, this did not look good as they only reason I knew of her being there was for cases of Sexual Misconduct or your about to be fired and my pants had never left my waist!

My boss sat back in his chair and I could see the steam of excitement coming out of his ears, he and I did not like each other very much and now he had the attitude like a cat that had just discovered where the mouse lives. He started the conversation telling me there was no need to beat around the bush and he will just come straight out with it, “We did not condone your actions at the Conference and we have information you have been making sexual advances to members of our team” BOOM, the Earth opened and I wished I could jump into the cracks.

He proceeded to roll off a number of vital statistics of my misdeeds that made me think that maybe someone very close had given the information direct, I looked outside his office for a moment and glanced at the “Super Sleuth” and noticed she had a mouse tail hanging from her mouth.

When faced with this type of accusation (Setup) there is little hope of arguing my innocence and he was quite clear that yes I could put up a fight but he wanted me out of the Company that moment and all we need do is negotiate a settlement and that is why the HR lady was there.

In no time at all we agreed on a figure, we agreed that these accusations would not appear on my record and without the normal going away party I was escorted to my office to be allowed to gather a few personal things and then I was shown off the premises, after a wonderful year my brilliant career was over and ended by a stupid mistake that was not even the truth.

My love called me and we arranged to meet at our favourite bar when she had finished work and she would then explain everything that happened after I left. When she arrived she gave me the sordid details.

My boss had called her in before I had arrived and told her what was happening and had hoped she was not a victim but if she was been a victim of a man he described as a “Liar, who had a history” of this type of thing, he was sorry but assured her that she was important to the team and he and all the others would support her.

When she had finished her meeting with my boss and she returned to her desk she was confronted by the Super Sleuth who advised her in ”secrecy” that she had spoken to my ex-wife and been filled in on all the details of our sordid little affair but the secret was safe! The super sleuth told her that upon finding this information she vowed that she could not work with a man like me and since she now had an agenda, all she needed was a plot. She ‘Personally” recruited the poor defenceless women of the office for volunteers to get times, dates and places of supposed harassment indiscretions which in fact were all lies and a setup. With all this information she then went to a “Gleeful” boss to make a complaint and allow him to achieve his goal to get rid of me they succeeded, the coup de ta was successful my ankle was being measured for the Ball.

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She arrived at the bar and the conversation between the two of us was strange, my love was a little distant and told me we need to consider what had happened that day, we need to think about this.

She needs to think of her future, as she had a Mortgage, a Car loan to consider, she really needed her job and she was sure the heat would be upon her for a little while so maybe its a good idea if we took a little care, maybe its a good idea we see each other a little less during the week, maybe we should just go out occasionally, just for now just until the heat wears off a little.

Part of me was devastated, part of me could understand, I mean I had just lost my job and had no idea what I was going to do next. I felt a little betrayed, I felt a lack of support but what I felt most was how stupid I had been. We agreed and over the coming weeks we saw less of each other but in no way did we want to give up.

When I left the job that day it was agreed that the allegation would not appear on my record, but never underestimate the power of a network and moreover never forget that good news travel fast but bad news travels faster. Even though it was not on paper it appeared that every application I made they had heard about the little spot of “Bother” I had at XYX Corporation and they would hope that if I was successful in joining there Company? I wouldn’t allow that stuff to happen with there staff. Application after application was unsuccessful and I was sure my Stupid Mistake was going to follow me for the future days of my life, but one day I fell upon an interview with a man who didn’t seem to care.

His office smelt so bad of cigarettes and he had his own bar on a side table and when he asked me what happened at my last employer and I told him he just turned to me and said “You pissed somebody off huh” He was excited about my potential in his Company and proceeded to offer me the job, when he was escorting me to the lift he shook my hand winked and just told me to make sure that I didn’t make anymore “Stupid Mistakes” again.

It was a great job but a lot of travel, mainly overseas and the trips just seemed to get longer and longer and my time with my love shorter and shorter, we tried to stay in touch and keep things moving in between trips but the conversation just seemed to get less and less.

When I was home it was always a whirlwind of events, run here and there to visit family and friends, dinners here dinners there we had very little opportunity to spend quality “Love” time with each other. Far Too quickly another trip was on the cards and this time as she dropped me off at the airport she told me that we must sit down and talk as soon as I’m back from this trip. I told her it was only going to be a week and when I come back we can go way for the weekend and relax; she smiled and said of course we will.

I jumped on the plane with a very uneasy feeling and the shortness of our phone calls during my time away secured that feeling even stronger, I was glad when the week was over so we could finally get away and fix these issues we were having, we could spend a weekend away that will get us back to the way we were I was sure of that, how stupid was I.

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My love picked me up at the Airport and as per normal after being in a foreign country for the past week speaking broken English I was like a crazy man with conversation, how’s this how’s that, what’s been happening here there, so where we can we go for the weekend? A quick glance at the rear view mirror and she just said “lest go home and talk first” I didn’t even get a chance to really put my bags down or grab a drink from the fridge, she just came out with it, “Shane this is not working”.

Wow I thought direct but she had really rehearsed the next part of her speech as she proceeded to tell me that she did Love me but felt there was not future for us, I had my career and she had hers, we had grown so far apart with all this time I spent away. She knew that I would not be happy doing a normal job without the thrill of jetting here and there, she didn’t blame me for that, but for her its not enough, she needed much more, she felt it was impossible to continue a relationship that in reality had no happy ever after.

I told her I understood and as it appeared she had made up her mind I would not fight and as long as we can at least be friends that would be something. When I said that she looked at me and tears started to fill her eyes, she then told me she didn’t think that was possible as she had one more thing to tell me, maybe its best if I sat down.

Damm I didnt like the sound of that, It was quick and straight to the point. She told me she had fallen pregnant a month ago and after thinking and considering decided that our relationship was over and had no future so, this week she had an abortion! I am sorry it has to come out like this she said but I can’t think of any other way. I was speechless.

Abortion? When I was younger it had no real meaning to me, but as a man that had four children that he had seen on Ultra sounds, Felt them kick inside Mummy’s tummy, witnessed there birth held them in his hand from the moment they had arrived on the planet, to this man at that time with that history of emotion, Abortion had meaning, it meant a Stupid Mistake, a Ball and Chain.

I had no input in the decision, I had no comeback, I just had to take it, I know the arguments about “It’s my Body” I understood all that but I did not understand all the feelings and emotions I had just been accelerated into.

I grabbed her and hugged her, I told her I loved her but I also told her I was devastated. She told me she was sorry it had to be this way but there is nothing more to discuss now its time for her to leave, and then she just walked away and I have no doubt that she dragged her own ball and chain and a few more links with her.

When you read the subject of this article you may have been thinking it was going to be about the stupid mistakes like making a goose of yourself at a party or another embarrassing moment. It could be a word you spoke at the wrong moment it could be a myriad of stupid mistakes that we make in our lives over the years.

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But a ball and chain moment is far more severe than just a moment of embarrassment, a ball and chain moment of a stupid mistake can, if we allow it? End up a lifelong sentence, my story I just shared with you was one of those moments, but that was just the beginning I was soon to add many more links to this Chain.

The shock of her announcement, the timing, the delivery the feeling I had at its coldness, the emotion of being a father and then knowing this tragic event had happened sent me into a time of real questions in my life. How could I let this happen? Where did I go wrong? Could I have tried harder? Was it me or was it the job? So many questions but one critical one moved to the front of my mind, “How to make sure this doesn’t happen again” I was only forty years old, still young and healthy a lifetime ahead of me but on that day I made the choice that this moment could never happen again. I wanted to make sure that to me ,what was such a selective process from a stupid mistake could never happen again, I never wanted to be faced with the terrible feeling I was going through. I made an appointment with my Doctor and even though he tried so hard to change my mind? Within a week the problem was gone, well that what’s I thought. A final solution was in place and I would never be faced with these feelings again. I felt by my choice the ball and Chain had been taken off me, but I was wrong as all I had done was added a few more links.

The years went by, more miles travelled more friends and one more love.It was this love that made me realise that my ball and chain had not been broken, the new love discovered the links I had added this did not fit into her lifetime plan and without choice but with a broken heart she set our relationship free. The links I had added to my own ball and chain at the moment many years before for what I thought was my freedom? Would for years come back to haunt me as another stupid mistake.

Have you had a Ball and Chain Moment? Think about this what if that moment was at a party, that moment of making a idiot of yourself was because you got so drunk you were falling all over the place. What if you then made a stupid mistake and you added another link got in your car and drove and lost your licence another link or worse still the link you would add if you cost someone there life?

What if the word you spoke in anger was a stupid mistake that cost a lifelong friendship or worse ended in a fight that left someone injured or worse dead at your feet? What started as just a ball and chain became heavier with a few more links.

What if the stupid mistake was an unwelcome flirtation that caused an attitude of distrust with a friend or worse the flirtation accelerated and resulted in going to place with no invitation and ended in the creation of one ball and chain for you and a lifetime of the same for another.

Have you made a stupid mistake in a moment weakness of peer group pressure and stole some minor item from a store? What if it was out of control and the store owner was injured during a scuffle and you were now suffering the Ball and Chain of a Criminal record.

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What if the stupid mistake was a single kiss but then turned into the ball and chain of a shattered family and friends as the kiss became the Links of an affair.

Stupid Mistakes have no age barrier, they are not the sole property of male or female, they have no cultural demographic and they don’t come at the right moment. Divorce Courts, Hospitals, Jails and Therapy Clinics are full of stupid mistake stories as are Funeral Homes.

I was lucky I did not end up in the places I mentioned but The Stupid mistake of my life took me many years to get over, but the Links I added? Made it much worse. I have not heard or seen of my love since that tragic day, but the delivery of her words, the shock of the news remained with me as ball and chain for a very long time, am I over it? Yes, Can you get over it? I’m sure that’s what you want and need to know, can you forgive and moreover can you forget.

For me? Forgiveness is in two forms, firstly forgiving “YOU” for being a victim or being responsible for locking the ball and chain. We can choose to never forgive but I guarantee you that you will carry that burden for the rest of your life no matter what you try. There has to come a point when you want a Comeback from whatever stupid mistake it is that you won’t forgive. I have watched impact statements in courts, homes even in hospitals where the people have said to those that locked the chain “I will never Forgive you for what you did to me” and what have they achieved by this? A lifetime of bitterness and anger, a lifetime of never allowing a potential beautiful moment to come into there lives to rewrite the stupid mistake that has caused so much pain.

I have listened to people telling themselves over and over again they will never forgive themselves for a stupid mistake, what can be the result? They will lose there own lives, they will cause trauma to all those around them as they constantly remind themselves and others of the Mistake that they so regret, yelling out in moments of despair “Why did I do that” My advice, my belief and my experience tells me and has taught me that the cry should be “I did do that and its now done” and without hesitation or provisions I unconditionally forgive myself and Others.

When we come to the question should we forget? My answer may seem strange, it may to some appear to be a contradiction, but I know it to be true. When it comes to Forgetting I say don’t. Why do I say that? You use it as a reminder of where not to go, just because you burn your finger on the pan doesn’t mean you stop cooking, your just are reminded that if you leave it there too long? It’s going to hurt. Its a reminder to test the depth of the water before you jump in and enjoy the swim, its a reminder of take a little longer to build up trust before you let strangers into you life, its a reminder of better to be safe than sorry, its not a roadblock to moving forward, its a gauge of how fast you can go.

So remove the Ball and Chain of life’s Mistakes, cut off the links of further stupidity there is no need for it to be a lifelong sentence, go with a heart of forgiveness and this as with all Comebacks will allow the truth to set you free.

Sending you Love and Big hugs. Shane 43 | P a g e Copyright

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