Secrets by Shane Hodge

A R

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What can I say Secrets? We all have them and when I began this article I had a tragic secret that I wanted to share and discuss. It was going to be all about mine and others Comeback from the years of devastation of that secret. It wasn’t just my secret it was shared by a few and I of course had to get there permission before I wrote in my normal no holds barred attitude as I didn’t want to offend anybody but that’s when the problems started. I called the first person and got a warm response and was told I best ask the second person. I approached the second person via another party to feel things out and then found that if I wrote about that secret? It would cause a lot of problems. I was starting to think maybe I’m not meant to write this secret article, maybe I got the title wrong or something. I agreed not to write about it. I was devastated, this secret has been a destroyer of so many lives how can those individuals not allow the Truth to set them all free? I then walked around the garden playing with the dogs and it dawned on me how selfish, are secrets? Secrets? The people that create the need for them are selfish and the people that keep them? They are also selfish, to whom? To Themselves. I had lived so many secrets, was I selfish? Why did I create them? My mind raced back to over 30 years ago and reminded me of one of my darkest most selfish secrets. It was a Wednesday afternoon, my wife had suspected that something was different, we knew the possibility but we needed to get the real test done to see if it was actually true. I can remember the smile on her face as she walked out of the office, I asked her “well” and she replied, “I will tell you in a minute” We payed the bill and walked outside and got inside the car and I offered her a cigarette, she said I cant have one, and I asked her “Why” and she just smiled and at that moment I knew, I was going to be a Dad. Wow I was so excited I grabbed her gave her a massive hug and immediately we went and did the run around to visit all the important people and tell them the great news. It was great news, not only was I going to be father for the first time, my Mum and Dad were going to be Grandparents, it was so exciting and people were so happy. 2|P age Copy write The Comeback www.thecomeback.com.au

All seemed to be going according to plan, we attended all the normal prenatal things and I learnt how to breath ( as if I didnt know that huh), how to encourage, damm we even got to try the Gas you could use to dull the pain. Made me laugh though as all the girls in this group all made it quiet clear that they would not be heroes and suffer they would reach for that gas at the earliest moment should they even feel a little twinge above a headache. They were great times, she was five months and we had just bought all the Bedroom things we would need. The Cot, Toys that hang from the roof, baby baths all the things I imagine that a couple would go buy when this exciting time first come around, it was special and I was so looking forward to being a Dad for the first time. Then it happened. It was early in the morning and she felt that something wasn’t right, yes she had little niggling pains but this was different, she was feeling an incredible urge to push. We got straight into the car and drove as fast as we could to the hospital, both of us praying; please don’t let this be a huge problem. She was quickly taken into emergency and Doctors were coming and going and finally they told us that she had gone into labour and they have to stop it as its far to early for the baby to be born. She was given an injection and within an hour the urge to push had stopped and we waited patiently for her Doctor to visit her and tell us what had caused this and will it happen again. It tuned out that several years ago, she had been involved in a car accident and broken her pelvis, it wasn’t a worry when things are normal but now that she is pregnant that changed the whole situation. It seems that with all the expansion, the damaged Pelvis gives the body the impression that its delivery time and away she goes into labour. The Doctor assured us that they can keep this in check and all should be well until our little bundle of joy is ready to finally come into the world. We packed up and went home feeling a lot more comfortable and confident. A couple of days passed and all seemed ok and then I got a phone call at work, it was my wife and she was frantic the Pushing had started again; I got home as quick as I could and once again we rushed off to the emergency department. They managed to stop it again but this time the Doctor told us he was a little concerned and maybe we need to discuss some options, he had to make a few calls and would be back shortly. We both were so worried, so anxious, we had no idea what he meant by “Options” .Does this mean we could lose the baby?, would we have to go through this every few days rushing back and forth to the hospital? What if something went wrong, what if we didn’t get there in time, it was a terrible wait until finally he came back. He told us we really only had two choices, we could leave it as it is and take the risk that we may not get into the hospital on time or the best option was that She stay in hospital until she was full term. To him this was the best choice as they could monitor her constantly and they could administer medication to make sure the “Premature Labour” would not start in the first place. She was only five months so we were looking at a four months stay in Hospital, such a long time it would place and incredible strain on her and us but in reality it was either do that or risk losing the child, so I was sent home to pack some things for her and get ready for the long haul. 3|P age Copy write The Comeback www.thecomeback.com.au

As I was packing her things I was thinking what am I going to do, this is going to be so hard for her and me, no house, no privacy. I just shook my head and ended the thought that we will be ok, we are tough no drama we will make it through this. The first couple of weeks was Ok, I would get up and go to the hospital before work so we could have breakfast together, then as soon as I finished work I would hi tail into the Hospital too make sure I was there for dinner. We would sit and chat watch TV it wasn’t that bad just got a bit annoying when all the other people would get visits and the place would get so dam busy and loud that we had very little private time. We did as best we could by making sure we could go for a walk and that seemed to help. The walk came to an end on week three. The medication must have lost a bit of its “Grunt” and the labour started again, a few frantic hours went by and they stopped it but we were then handed the bad news that the only way they could guarantee that this would not happen again? would be if She limited her movements. It appeared that our daily walks aggravated things so the only thing to do was to make sure that the greatest distance she travelled was to the toilet and back to bed. It was ok but not for long, the pressure of the fear of going into labour again, the confinement was really taking its toll on her and the visits were starting to be just fights, I was getting frustrated it was not a good time. I don’t blame her now, my god I would go stir crazy if I was put in the same position, but at the time? It was not easy. Each time I went in it would only end up in fight, and it was my fault, my fault she got pregnant, my fault this was happening, and I was starting to feel a little down myself. The constant travelling, the worry, all of it was getting a little too much and at the end of one visiting session I decided that I need to switch off from all of this for a while. We had lived pretty much a close family life, our social life evolved around visiting family, having BBQs, watching Movies, I tried to keep that going whilst she was in Hospital but with the constant questions I would get about whats going on I needed to be somewhere else for a time. I need a break from it all. Another night in the hospital but this night I didnt take the freeway exit home, I kept going and thought I would take a drive to the City. It had been a long time since I went to a bar at night but I just need a break from all the stress of all this, I know it sounded like an excuse but it was the truth it was all getting a bit too much for me. I drove into town, it was a Tuesday night so the streets were not that busy, I looked at all the Neon signs adverting the Music that was playing, Live bands were so popular back then and I noticed a sign that said “Rock Steady” playing tonite, I remember thinking, yep I need to be steady and be a rock that place will do me.

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As soon as I walked into the bar I really felt out of place, I’m there in my work shirt and pants minus the tie, I really must have looked like a married man that should be home, I did feel totally out of place amongst all the other people. I ordered a drink and stood at the edge of the stage getting ready to listen to the band. Then Like a bolt out the blue this lady just turned up, all I can remember was her basically getting nose to nose with me and saying “I know you” I vaguely remembered the face but couldn’t quite get where I knew this person from, I smiled and said I’m sorry, she then said to me, Your Shane, we went to school together, we lived close by to each other, she reminded me of her name, but I will call her my secret. The memory kicked into gear and I pictured this rather cute lady in a School Uniform and yep she was right we went to the same high school except she was a year below me. We went through the normal preamble of what are you doing, where do you work, do you see anybody from school, I think she did most of the talking or maybe it was more of the asking, god she was like a machine this gal, next thing the band started and before I knew it she grabbed my hand and said lets dance. The dancing wasnt pretty it had also been a long time since I had made some moves, last time I danced a lot it was moving to Staying Alive and giving my best John Travolta impression! That one dance lasted for many and in between we had a few drinks and a lot of laughs, god I had fun, I felt it was wrong but it was just so nice to be away from the stress for that moment, to laugh, not to fight. My Secret was so much fun and I really enjoyed her Company, the night was over it was really late and I dropped her home, there was no big romantic moment in the car we just laughed, she gave me her number and we promised to keep in touch, lets not wait till a school reunion or something like that. I dragged myself out of bed only a few hours later as It was breakfast time at the Hospital, I can remember my wife saying that I looked like I had no sleep and smelt like alcohol, I replied that I had a drink at home and am having trouble sleeping, the secrets had begun. I think it was two days later, I read in the paper that the same band was playing at that bar they were so good I thought I would go and see them again, I didn’t feel, that good going by myself, I didnt think it would hurt so I gave my secret a call, I mean we were old classmates that should be ok. She was so excited to hear from me, we stayed on the phone for what seemed hours god she could talk and finally I popped the question if she would like to go and see the band again and in a heartbeat she gave me address and we arranged to meet at 9. As usual I arrived at the hospital for my dinner and like clockwork it didn’t take long before the arguments began and soon I was on my way out of there and off to a night of what I called as “freedom” on the town.

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I picked her up and she looked sensational, that wasn’t the main thing that made me happy it was her energy and the conversation it was such a breath of fresh air, again I knew it was wrong but after the stress and strain of the past few months it felt so good to just relax and be me. The band was great, the place, all of it was so good and then it happened, a romantic song and a pair of lips touched, it seemed natural, but then I thought how bad is this?. My wife is in hospital and I’m out dancing, having a good time, drinking, laughing and now? I’m intimate with another. The kiss had broken the bubble wrap, as we walked to the car we were not separated our hands made sure of that, we drove to her house laughing at chatting all the way, god I felt so free at that moment. We arrived at her house and sat out the front, she didn’t want to go yet it was time for a smoke and a chat. She was not backward in coming forward and she came straight out with it that she really liked me and wants us to keep seeing each other but she has a few questions. I started to feel a little uncomfortable as we had gone along so nicely not really worried about anything apart from that fact we were school mates and that seemed to give us permission to be as we were, well excpet for the kissing but it was like a qualifying he’s ok she’s OK don’t worry, your safe. Her first question was a bullseye, “Are you married” I took a gulp of air and replied, with yes, she looked half shocked but then asked me if my wife new where I was I replied No. The next question was “well where is your wife” and I replied, in hospital, she came straight back with don’t tell me she is having a baby! The answer to that question created a need for her and me to have a drink and we got out of the car and went inside the house. The next hour or so was filled with me explaining what had happened, where it’s at now, the hospital situation as it is, the plans for the family future in reality not one secret was held between her and I on that night, and when we got to the end of all this discussion we came to an agreement. The agreement was that we would continue to see each other until the day I became a father, whatever that day was? Would mark the end of this relationship, we would enjoy each others Company, she would support me but when that day came, it was over and that would be our secret. Was it selfish? Yes totally, was it wrong? Yes, I have always wondered why sometimes in life, matters of the heart? Have no communication with right or wrong, they just are. I suppose that is the great mystery that has surrounded us humans since Adam and Eve ate the apple. Some things we do defy logic, but at that stage the secret? Felt right. I don’t have to explain what happended next I’m sure you would be able to do that yourself, the morning came and what was to become my daily agenda for the next few months began. I loved her Company, I loved being with her but I hated the secret we had created.

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I would go to the Hospital and like a chameleon I would change, talk about the day, what’s going on, how are you feeling, How’s the treatment, my problems. I would sit there for an hour over breakfast and it was never hard until “Those” questions were asked, the ones that start to move into the SECRETS area. You look so tired, why are you not going to visit this one or that one, how come your never home, what are you doing, each time one of these questions was asked, it would tap on my secrets door and I would feel so uncomfortable, so bad. I would do my best to brush them aside but I knew deep down my wife really didn’t believe me, you could tell and that made me feel more disappointed in my secret self. I would make phone calls during the day to my secret and the conversation was weird, we would always discuss how things are going at the Hospital, how is my wife, how is the treatment, any problems, is all ok, and then we would talk about each other. The nights would be the same in reverse, dinner at the hospital going over the same questions and then straight out to my secret where would discuss the same as we watched a movie. The 21st of July 1981 arrived like all mornings do, but this one was going to be a life changer, my wife had now gone full term and an on that day it was decided the medication would be changed so as to allow full labour to happen and our Child to be born. It was so strange when I left my secret in the morning she gave me a big hug and said that today is a “huge day”, enjoy it make sure you keep your wife strong, when I look back on it now my god that was crazy. I arrived at the Hospital and it was exciting, after all this time you would think a celebrity was about to come into the world, the doctors, nurse’s were all geared up for the longest labour in history to finally come to an end and at last everything all this bother was about? Would introduce themself to the world. We still had no idea if it was a boy or a girl as back in the day that was the way; ultrasound was good but not good enough to safely tell you if it was a boy or a girl. The staff got my wife all nice and comfy and then introduced the medication that was going to make it all happen and they told us it would be fast and wow was it. Within a short period of time all hell broke loose and she was in the throws of really serious labour, we all thought this would be done and dusted super quick but it was not. She pushed and pushed for what seemed a lifetime and nothing was happening, the morning turned into afternoon, then moved into evening and finally she told me she couldn’t take it anymore. It appears that the pelvic injury made it all happen but also made it stop. The little bundle of joy was trying so hard to get out and greet the world but a bit of bone was stopping it .So at 7 PM it was decided that it’s gone to far, Mum and Baby are in distress so an emergency caesarean was very quickly arranged. I was not allowed to watch it but at 7.13pm my son came screaming into the world.

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I got to hold him straight away, I got to give him his first wash, he had a little bump on his head from where he was trying to get out and couldn’t, I held him and sung “You are so Beautiful ” and my god he was a celebrity, even other women waiting to have there babies were lining up to see him, it was a sensational moment. I went back inside and gave him to his Mum and she just said “So you are what all this fuss has been about” I was so excited I ran to a public phone so I could call my secret and tell her the sensational news, she was so excited, she had lived all this with me the past few months, she felt so happy and relieved that all had gone well, she looked forward to seeing me when it was all done and we could have a celebration drink together. The whole family was at the hospital and my relatives were so proud and they told me its time to celebrate so let’s go and find a bar. It was a clash for me, I wanted only to run and join my secret, but these guys who I was so close to also demanded my time. I called her and she just said you should be with them right now its a family thing. The clash in my mind was so severe, I really just wanted to be in another place with one person, but I could not tell the family that, it was a secret and I had to keep it that way. So I went and drank with them, the conversation was very one sided all I wanted to do was get out of there. My Son was now safely in the world it was only a matter of days before he would come home and take over the little room with the cot and luckily all the blue stuff that came with it. It was a strange time knowing that on one hand a new beginning was about to happen and on the other hand the secret would be over and how selfish I felt. The next couple of days were filled with spending time learning how to be a dad, washing, feeding and yummy I got to learn the art of changing nappies. The nights? Were filled with my secret and a conversation that seemed to be filling with more silent moments than anything else. Five days went so fast and then the morning broke, I awoke and all I could think was this is goodbye. My secret and I had made a promise to each other and now was the time to make that reality, this dream must now come to the point where we both had to wake up. It was 7.30 in the morning, not much was said over a cup of coffee, and when it was finished, we just looked at each and said goodbye after all this time, it was as simple as that. I dove to the Hospital with a car full of baby seat and blankets all the stuff we would need to take home a new life leaving another one behind it was a very emotionally confusing moment. I walked into the hospital and after all the paperwork and another session of goodbyes; we left and went home to be a family.

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My secret and I kept to our promise, yes we met a couple of times but never as we were before, she had met another and I was shocked when she told me that she was now going to have a baby, it made me feel so sad as I knew in my heart that she had met someone as fast as she could to erase what we had, and things had not turned out as she had expected. Time passed and our contact got less until we spoke no more. To this day she remains one of my most precious loves. My marriage went along a downhill path, I don’t know if it was the secret that caused the gap but I’m sure it didn’t help. The time in hospital, a range of built up angers and only after a few more years we drifted totally apart until the relationship was over. It is now Thirty years later and my relationship with my ex wife is sensational, we are the closest of friends and when we reflect to the time many yaers ago? She calls me an arsehole but with a smile, and tells me she forgives me. I had not heard from my secret in all these years and then one day out the blue whilst I was living in the US I received an email from somebody whose name I didnt know. She asked me if I was the Shane who went to Maribyrnong High and a couple of other questions, I answered the email with a yes but with a further question of “Who are you” the email flew back a few minutes later with the answer, “It was my secret” My god I could not believe it after all these years we were soon chatting so many questions, so much laughter it was such a special moment and finally on a trip back to Melbourne we got to meet once again. She introduced me to her sons as “The love of her life” and it was so special, a moment I will treasure and its no longer a secret. I am so happy that after all these years when I saw her the love still beats true. After I left her that night I wondered was it right or wrong back many years ago, and I know many of you reading this article will also think one way or the other. Some purist‘s will say I was terrible and some romantics will say sensational, but the answer is yes, It was so wrong and so selfish and it remained a ball and chain to me for so long. You know after writing all this it then dawned on me, I was so determined to write about my original secret, I got so damm frustrated that I almost didn’t write it. In this writing I discovered the article was never meant to be about “One” Secret, the article was about all secrets that hold us back, secrets that become a ball and chain to our lives and can end up being so debilitating that they stop us from living a normal life, stop us from every day things, stop us from sensational relationship, sports, going out, travel. Secrets? They are things that we don’t want to share with anybody, secrets can be habits, they can be fears, Phobias, secrets can be a bad experience and they can be something we are ashamed of. Throughout the Comeback Series of articles I have bared my soul and life to all that read them. I have talked so many personal things but I have done that as I want to share my mistakes, my life 9|P age Copy write The Comeback www.thecomeback.com.au

story with everybody in the hope that one person will read it that needs to. Or maybe another will read and know exactly who else really needs to read it. A sharing of pain and suffering, of selfishness even some stupidity. I have shared my secret of “Lack of Trust” an attitude that was created by the betrayal of one I loved so much. I have shared my secret of “Addiction” and the huge problems that caused me and so many others around me. I have shared my secret “Nightmares” whilst be interrogated unjustly by some lovely immigration officials, in that article I covered more attitudes of “Betrayal” that was the resulted legacy, but I Comeback through hard work to an attitude of Forgiveness. All these articles have been shared to demonstrate that no matter how bad things get, no matter what damage is done, the opportunity is there to restore, re-invent and complete a Comeback. But there are so much more, so many stories to tell so many secrets to share, not just my own as I hear of so many others. I have learnt the secret of the gay cousin who lived in a small country town and kept his secret to himself for years, but people suspected and he suffered incredible shame and abuse at the hands of others, his breaking from the secret to truth was made the day he moved to the city and a new life of no shame in the truth and life at last opened up for him. The son that has hidden the secret of fears and phobias for song long that it made it almost impossible for him to socialise as the thought of unclean hands and places drove him to nervous exhaustion. The friend that through years of constant abuse from family members over her education performance kept the secret hidden so deep inside that any thought of failure in her grades? Would send her to the brink of suicide. The family that kept the secret of a forbidden relationship that resulted in constant arguing and bickering, the secret that created a life long attitude of mistrust and little hope of forgiveness. The Sister or that kept the secret of the Uncle cuddling and holding in a way that they shouldn’t, a secret that turned them to a life of constant broken relationships, unhappiness and even drug use. The Friend that kept the secret of spending time behind bars as a result of crazy stunts as a youth, to frightened to make the secret known he lived a life of job to job never being able to use the talent and abilities that god had truly blessed him with. Secrets? Are selfish, for those that create them and those that live them, they are selfish because they hold back so many wonderful things such as love, fulfilment, pleasure and hope. They are selfish as they introduce and make almost permanent in peoples lives attitudes and values that become the ball and chain. A Ball and Chain that stop’s you from moving forward at the pace you were intended, sometimes they become so heavy that you don’t move at all. 10 | P a g e Copy write The Comeback www.thecomeback.com.au

Secrets will hold you back from “The Things That Matter? Are things that Matter” My own secrets, all the secrets I mentioned did just that and in some peoples cases they continue to do so and may never stop. What is the thing to do? How can we break this chain of secrets from our legs and move forward, it’s all about the truth, and The Truth is what will set you free. In all my secrets, I finally told the truth, some were handed over quickly but it took many years for others until I finally let it out, yes some hurt but they are gone and no longer has power over me, the selfish nature was replaced with freedom. If you have a secret that has become your ball and chain there is only one way to set yourself free, there is only one method of Comeback for this and that is to share it, and don’t wait do it now. I often write about the weeks I spent with my Mum during the end of her days and the many things we discussed the things she taught me as well. My mother was a woman of so many secrets, secrets that had had such a level of destruction to her and all that surrounded her. In the last few days of her life she had such regret at those secrets and asked me to share with as many as I could that secret’s? Should never go to the grave, secrets should be outcast as early as you can so they have no chance to fester and destroy an entire lifetime for you and others. During my eulogy at her funeral, I made that point clear, I used my mothers words as an example to all those sitting in front of me to give up there secrets, in my Mums words, do it today as tomorrow may be too late. I know in my heart that some of them did, but I also know that some will not, those secrets will go to the grave. Those people may feel it’s the best thing to do, those people may think it will cause less pain to the ‘Innocent” well the truth about secrets? The damage has already been done, and to those that have been damaged? They sit back waiting for that bell of freedom to ring. So to those that have created, to those that are keeping and to those are affected by secrets, I close with this plea. Let it go, let the truth be known, as the truth will truly set you and me and all of us free.

Big hugs and Love from Shane

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