The Quibbler Fall 2018 by Hogwarts Quibbler

Editor-In-Chief & Divination Dept Head Starflashfairy Gryffindor Managing Editor -MrJHufflepuff Managing Editor & Classifieds Dept Head L-ily Ravenclaw Managing Editor Eldis_ Slytherin Managing Editor Im_Finally_Free Production Manager KackelDackel Production Assistants elpbit Quibbler_editor forwardtotimepast Mathy16 thealtoid Web-Wizard Oomps62 Archives wiksry Payroll Marx0r Art Dept Head PastelPurrfect Castles & Burrows Dept Head Silvestress

Classifieds L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies Dept Head Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts Dept Head Rackik Education Dept Head Starboost3 Entertainment Dept Head RGCFrostbite Fashion Dept Head midnightdragon Magical Plants & Creatures Dept Head Ryan814 News & Features Dept Head theDUQofFRAT Sports Dept Head Elphabaisfae Travel Dept Head warlock1992

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ytodpdjebaotjeo The Editors Deskq

k s e D â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s r o t i d E e h T FROM STARFLASH THE DESK OF MADAM Greetings, Dear Reader

s e Quibbler! Our team ha Th of on iti ed h nt ni e Welcome to th ake this issue possible. worked diligently to m rs of t gratitude to the facilitato es ep de y m d ten ex to e B I would lik /r/HogwartsWerewolves on ) 18 20 ne (Ju e m ga o the Thesis Defense oenix) and all players wh ph wn da d an ll ui sQ as Gl (Tipsy ad ated in the making of Gr participated and cooper nd wonderful Hogwarts School Musical, the seco nt itten by our beloved sava Werewolves Musical wr bard, Rysler. my ain declare my love for I would like to once ag ff, ily. Whether you are sta extended Quibbler fam in my devoted reader, you are a contributor, or just a ct. ing a part of this proje hear t. Thank you for be May Fortune smile upon

you!

itor ~Madam Starflash, Ed

in Chief

Madam Starflash

THE QUIBBLER: NO. 34853 OCTOBER 2018 THIS ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY THE HOGWARTS STAFF AT /R/THEQUIBBLER. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WIZARDING WORLDâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ALTERNATIVE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1989. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR SMALL INDEPENDENT NEWS MAGAZINE

Welcome to OUR BRAND NEW issue of the Quibbler. Below is an overview of everything you can find in this All new edition of the Quibbler! We hope you find the experience Both enlightening and entertaining! THE BIGGEST STORIES FROM THE

FRONTPAGE:

10 Profiles in Potent Potion Parts: Dandelions 48 Grad School Musical: A Werewolf Boogaloo 68 Why Vampires Are Afraid of Garlic The smell of suck-less.

Flower power!

Grade A fun for the whole family!

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BREAKING NEWS:

jfjsdjwfksfkljklwenjkfnzwdiewghiorndgknakflenifnsdnakhwroiuwehdnmd, News And Features. ................................ 06

Dark Arts................................................121

Travel....................................................... 24

Puzzles And Horror-Scopes................. 130

Magical Plants And Creatures. ............. 30

Classifieds.............................................. 133

Divination................................................ 50

Auror Logs............................................. 134

Entertainment. ....................................... 54

Photo Wall............................................ 136

Education. ............................................... 92

Credits................................................... 137

Crafts, Brews, And Hobbies...................110

STAFF:

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Editor-In-Chief: Starflashfairy Managing Editors: Im_Finally_Free, L-ily, -MrJ-, Eldis_ Administration: Marx0r, Oomps62, Wiksry Layout and Design: Mathy16, KackelDackel, Thealtoid, Elpbit, Quibbler_ Editor, Forwardtotimepast Art: Pastelpurrfect Castles & Burrows: Silvestress Classifieds: L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies: Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts: Rackik Divination: Starflashfairy Education: Starboost3 Entertainment: RGCFrostbite Fashion: MidnightDragon Magical Plants & Creatures: Ryan814 News & Features: theDUQofFRAT Sports: Elphabaisfae Travel: Warlock1992 Contributors: AlexCC97, Andydandyz, blxckfire, BottleOfAlkahest, Calculost, CherokeePurple, DarkBlonde4, DescX, drpepperslut, elbowsss, Eldis_, ElphabaPfenix, george-the-cool-guy, HylianEngineer, Im_Finally_Free, k9centipede, kemistreekat, l-ily, maddermaz, Malvidian, Mathias_Greyjoy, Newtonnoot, Nymphidiel, Rysler, silvertail8, SiriuslyLoki731, starflashfairy, Telsion, tikkupulla, wiksry, WitchUnicorn

QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

Are Mooncakes a Cure for Lycanthropy?

by ElphabaPfenix

NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER

he Chinese have a tradition. Every year on the 8th Lunar Month, which usually falls some time in September or occasionally early October, the Chinese celebrate Mid-Autumn Festival by carrying lanterns and eating a delicacy called Mooncakes. Mooncakes are moon shaped pies with a sweet white lotus paste.

There are many myths surrounding the moon. One particular story was the Legend of Hou Yi. It was said that Hou Yi was a muscular, handsome man with a beautiful, dutiful Wife called Chang’e. In the early times, there were ten suns, all brothers, who rotated in their duties to fly across the skies and bring light to the world. Only one of the suns were supposed to come out each day. But one day, all ten suns came out together as a prank and rebellion against the order of nature. The earth was scorched, crops died, rivers dried, people cried. Hou Yi saw the destruction of the suns and took his bow and ten arrows. Chasing after the suns, he shot them down one by one. Soon, there was only one sun left. As he took aim, his Wife cried out, “Hou Yi, my love! Spare the last sun! We need him to light the world and bring warmth. We need his light to grow crops and be safe from danger.” And so, Hou Yi lowered his last arrow. The people were grateful and ecstatic. They proclaimed Hou Yi as their king and all was well with the land. The people prospered under his rule. But good times don’t last. As powerful as Hou Yi was, he was still a mortal. As he grew older with each passing year, he grew more desperate in finding a way to achieve immortality. His temper grew and it bled into his way of ruling the land. He became more and more tyrannical. His heart harden to stone and his blood grew cold. Chang’e could only watch in despair as her beloved turned in to a stranger.

Eventually, Hou Yi obtained an elixir of longevity from the Western Queen Mother. As he prepared and fasted before consuming the elixir, Chang’e stole the elixir and ran, not willing to see her tyrannical husband rule the land with cruelty for eternity. As Hou Yi chased down his wife, Chang’e swallowed the elixir in desperation. As she gained immortality, her body became lighter and lighter and she floated to the moon. Hou Yi watched as his wife rose to the moon, his heart soften and was filled with regret. Every year on day of his loss, he put out Chang’e’s favourite cake (the mooncakes) and fruits to remember her. People saw his devotion and decided to follow suit. And thus the tradition of having mooncakes on Mid-Autumn was born. Another myth surrounding the moon involves the time Mongols took over China. During that time (around the year 1200-1300) a person named Liu Bo Wen disguised himself as a priest and gave out Mooncakes to everyone in the city. Come Mid-Autumn Festival, everyone ate their mooncakes and found a hidden message in the mooncake. The message detailed a coordinated coup on a certain date that involves all the commoners. Everyone turned up on that day and successfully took back the city from the Mongols. Ever since then, a salted egg yolk is put in to the mooncakes in remembrance of the hidden message in the mooncake and how it helped the Chinese win back their country. 7

QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES But I believe a far more sinister reason lie behind those stories. As we all know, Vampires and Werewolves go hand in hand in every horror genre and myth. They are both associated with Halloween and the dark night. I have found, through extensive research (that I cannot reveal in my article to protect my sources) that Hou Yi was a Werewolf! And his wife Chang’e was a Vampire! While courting Chang’e, Hou Yi shot down 9 suns to prove his love for her. And it worked! Nothing makes a Vampire happier than having the suns destroyed. Unfortunately, Hou Yi only had enough arrows for 9 suns and thus one sun survived. They soon got married and lived happily for many years. Having an immortal as a wife was a big hit to Hou Yi’s ego. He did chase after immortality and nearly successfully gained it. Offended by Hou Yi’s action of chasing immortality, Chang’e stole the elixir of immortality and left a mooncake instead, hoping to trick Hou Yi in to eating the mooncake. Because, you see, mooncakes kill werewolves! The secret recipe lies in the white lotus filling which is deadly to werewolves! Hou Yi saw through the trap and sought to take revenge on Chang’e. Chang’e fled with inhuman speed. Every year, Hou Yi place mooncakes out to taunt Chang’e by reminding her that her assassination plan failed. As for the Mongols, they were a physically impressive group with great warring skills and fighting prowess owing to the fact they are a large pack of werewolves! And there is a secret society in China founded around that time called the White Lotus Society. White. Lotus. Coincidence? I think not! The mooncake coup wasn’t a free for all mooncake buffet with a hidden message 8

in it! It was the White Lotus Society’s chemical warfare on the pack of Mongol Werewolves that decimated the pack! Till this day, all Chinese in Asia partake in the eating of mooncakes during MidAutumn Festival every year, with a white lotus paste filling. And so far, I have yet to see a single werewolf in Asia (werewolves are a very western world thing, isn’t it? Even Asia have Vampires, but curiously no werewolves.) So are Mooncakes a cure for Lycanthropy? If killing them is a cure, sure! A cure for society against the Werewolf Menace!

NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER

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by ElphabaPfenix

Garlic has long been viewed as an effective ward against vampires, but have you ever wondered why? In this article, we are going to uncover the real reason garlic is THE choice of weapon against those pesky blood suckers. 1. Vampires can’t stand the smell of garlic. During the 16th century, England was plagued by a nasty infestation of vampires. The locals couldn’t think of any way to accurately identify the vampires walking among them at night until a vegetable seller, John Raveau, was attacked by the blood thirsty creepers. With nothing in hand, Raveau threw all his leftover vegetables at the night crawler. Fortunately for Raveau, he grabbed a clove of garlic and hurled it into the vampire’s face. The vampire shrieked and flew off into the night. From then on, it was popular for the folks to wear some form of jewellery or rope necklace with a clove of garlic attached to it around their necks. It helps to ward off vampires and prevents them from going after the victims’ necks, the traditional entry point for their fangs. 2. The 16th century was an important time for vampire history. During the great invasion on Venice, a Vampire Queen, Anne Graine, gathered her children of the night and fought with the people of Venice. The war dragged on for almost a century. It was a bitter war that lasted for centuries. The vampire faction was 10

on the cusp of victory when a Venetian Chef, Marco Ciccio had a stroke of genius. He cooked up the world’s largest batch of Aglio Olio (Garlic and Olive Oil Pasta), almost 14 tonnes worth and gave to all the town folks. At night, all the town folk emerged with bags of Aglio Olio and flung them on the vampires. Anne Graine was caught by the town and had a brick stuffed in her mouth, a stake through the heart and buried under the tavern. The humiliation of the vampires was too much for them to bear. They fled and word spread of their defeat. To this day, any mention of the word garlic makes any vampire cringe and slink away in shame. And that is why vampires simply cannot stand Italian food. 3. Wild Garlic flower is a beauty to behold. Legend has it that in the dawn of time, a nymph by the name of Allious was gathering flowers for the God’s festival. She was the favourite nymph of the Goddess Etain. As Allious was on her way back to the festival, she was savagely attacked by a horde of vampires. Allious lay on the ground, blood seeping from her wounds, she prayed to Etain for

INSERT QUIBBLER vengeance. The Goddess Etain flew down to where Allious was, weeping at the dying nymph. Etain used her powers to change Allious in to a flower, the same flower that we see today as the Wild Garlic Flower, petals like rays of sun. The flower was named Allium Ursinum, Bearer of Allious, in honor of Allious. Etain swore that any vampires that was caught in her sight will be immediately turned to dust, like the dust she had in her mouth when Allious died. That is why vampires dare not go out in the day. True story. 4. The last tale brings us even further back in time. Back when the world was new, the very first Vampire was created. His name was JiangChen. JiangChen was a handsome lad with piercing eyes and a smile that could mesmerise a bird out of its nest. He was immortal and didn’t need blood to survive. He didn’t fear the sun and his skin was impenetrable. He went around the garden of creation, tasting each vegetable, hunting every animal he could to test his abilities. He was like

a new babe, curious at the new world. One day, he saw the Goddess of Spring. He was smitten. He presented the best of his hunt to the Goddess to impress her. He wooed her and chased her. Finally one day, the Goddess reciprocated. She extended her hand out for JiangChen and he took it. He pulled her close and leaned in for a kiss. The Goddess recoiled and fled from him. You see, earlier that day, JiangChen discovered the Garlic Bulb and was fascinated by its taste. He ate 2 whole basket full of it that afternoon. The smell of his breath repulsed the Goddess of Spring so much that she fled instantly. Poor JiangChen’s heart was broken. He went into a frenzy and bite the nearest animal he found and drank its blood. Soon he moved to the earliest humans and feasted on their blood. Thus the first generation of vampires were created, each born with the instinct to avoid garlic. Nothing is known of what happened to JiangChen. Hopefully he had a second chance with the Goddess of Spring after finding some mouthwash.

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the MYSTERY of the VANISHING TRAIN by ElphabaPfenix

Dear Readers There is a never ending list of mysteries scattered all over the world. It is a daunting task to try and tackle that list. However, I feel that it is my duty to expose the secrets, uncover the unknown and shed light on those who wish to hide in the shadows. To be able to make a mark on that list, however small, will have made my life worth living. With that vision, I find myself once again in an unfamiliar place. Stepping in to the green city known as Leocivitatem, I am greeted by the sights of trees every 5 steps in any direction. The locals seem polite and each of 12

them wear a smile as if their lives depended on it. Those smiles send chills down my spine. Already, I do not trust them. Naturally, I had to settle my accommodations first. For a small city of only 700 square kilometres, it is home to a staggering 420 hotels. Finding a place to stay put me in a state of choice paralysis. Eventually, one kind elderly (the elderlies is something Leocivitatem have in abundance) led me to a quaint boutique hotel near the centre of the city. It had a nice view of the gardens around the area and it was near a subway, which was perfect for my investigation. Leocivitatem is the perfect city. Low crime

NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER rates, happy citizens, clean streets and flora exploded from every corner of the place. You hardly hear of any incidents or accidents on the news; in fact, the news consists primarily of other countries’ mishaps. I was hard pressed to even find a wizard or magical creature around the area, that’s how good the magical community living there is in keeping the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy! But as a wise wizard once said, “Magic always leaves traces.” All I had to do was follow the signs and uncovered a small community of wizards and witches hanging around in a pub. Even in the squeaky clean city of Leocivitatem, scrubbed of any abnormalities that diverge from the almost military-like precision of the mundane life, it is comforting to find my people hiding underneath. My people! The carefree, messy, illogical wizards that wields the greatest gift of all, Magic. Our people. The magical community isn’t the only thing hiding under the sterile facade of Leocivitatem. It holds a delicious mystery close to its heart. In the cover of darkness, whispered by those with stronger hearts (or maybe by those with a death wish), there is a rumour of a train that runs on a track that leads to nowhere. Even the small magical community that I found failed to satisfy me with even a morsel of information. While everyone can see the train, not a single soul can tell me where the tracks lead to or where it starts! Undeterred by the lack of information, i tracked all day in search of the mysterious train. Taking the subway from my hotel, I rode to every station. There was no sign that there was any additional tracks around that was not connected with the tracks. My intrigue and suspicion grew with every stop. Suddenly, the tunnels opened and my train rode into the bright lights, my subway train just turned into an above ground train and right outside the window to the left was an additional track! I hastily alighted and just by the side of a small hill was a train track, looking like a worm that is burrowing into an apple, the tracks burrowed in to the hill at both ends. Trying to ask the locals about those tracks was like pulling teeth! I was met with nothing but stonewalls and grey rocking. I have this distinct feeling that everyone knows about the train but no one will talk about it or even acknowledge it. I knew then I had to dig deeper. I used all my wiles and tricks to entice everything I could. I mingled with the underbelly of their society, befriended thieves and triad members. Those talked revealed that every day at midnight, a single carriage

train will pass by. As i have suspected, this train is common knowledge to Leocivitatem. But no one knows where the train comes from or where it is going. The tracks seem to lead to nowhere and no one could ever find their way down the hill. Those who tried to climb down the hill either got lost and ended up at the foot of the hill without ever reaching the tracks, or reached them and never returned. They simply disappeared. Ever since those disappearance, no one has ever tried to explore the enigmatic tracks ever again. The meat of the mystery is right in front of us! I have to get to the bottom of this. Those muggles told me repeatedly that there was no way to reach the tracks, many have tried and failed. Those muggles didn’t have the ability to apparate like I do! I braced myself for the apparition, a great crack later and I found myself… … at the foot of the hill. Darn it! I tried multiple times and I just could not reach it! Is there an Anti-Apparition Charm on the place? Is it under the Fidelius Charm? And more importantly, what was hidden in the hill that that needed such secrecy? My working theory is that the government is in cahoots with the Ministry Of Magic in trying to experiment on magical bloodlines and the early disappearances were kidnapped citizens. The Government of Leocivitatem are trying to create synthetic wizards! That’s why the magical community here is so small. I wonder how many of our kind has been sacrificed in full body blood transfusion so make muggles wield magic?! That’s why the city seems so orderly, the cruel rulers are controlling them by creating an authoritarian society, silencing them in order to ensure their safety! Anyone who speaks out of turn goes conveniently missing. This is bigger than I initially thought. I have to rethink my investigations. I quickly Apparated out of the city after gathering my belongings from my hotel. I have written to the Ministry Of Magic asking for a statement and unsurprisingly, i have yet to receive a response from them. But fret not, readers, i will press on for the truth and maybe the next time, I’ll even get to see the infamous train in action! This journey has been fraught with danger and I barely escaped unscathed. But the danger just means I am close to the truth! I am filled with conviction that the path I am on is right and I promise this, I will get to the bottom of this! Until next time!

ElphabaPfenix 13

QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

Is Harry

Potter for Children? by Alexcc97

When thinking about the Harry Potter saga, there are a few things we should consider. First of all, after reading it, we might wonder whether it is or not a children’s book. It is known that, sometime after the first edition of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, an adult version came out, so that grownups wouldn’t seem like they were reading a children’s book when enjoying this story in a public place, like the subway. We can realize, therefore, that it was a huge success, even among adults. This might not be as rare as we might think. Some of the most famous stories initially written for infants became well-known exactly 14

because they were popular among adults, such as The Little Prince by Antoine Saint-Exupéry or Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. These are books that everyone knows and love, both infants and grown-ups. I think the question we must ask is “what is the difference between a book meant for children or one meant for adults?”, or even, “What makes a book a children’s book?”. Certainly one of the first thing that pops into your head is magic. From talking animals, to living objects or actual magic. But should that be a joy particularly reserved for children? Shouldn’t adults be able to dream as well? Maybe the reason why Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone was so famous

NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER in the grown up world was the fact that they gave adults a chance to dream again and to feel excited about something like they haven’t since they were children. By introducing grownups to these kind of fantasy world again, to make them hopeful and dreamy again. In the Harry Potter books, one finds a world full of magic, sure, however, there is a lot more than this to it. This saga talks about adventure for the three main characters, Harry, Ron and Hermione, always get into trouble and struggle to get out of the situation. It talks about bullying, for instance with Neville, a chubby clumsy boy who most people make fun of, and how you shouldn’t just live with it but shake it off and prove them wrong. Corruption, also, for some people take advantage of their high position to take care of personal business, for instance, professor Umbridge which makes everything she cans to frame Harry. If we think about Hermione and her urge to free all house-elves in the magic world, little creatures that work for free to wizards and never have vacations nor any kind of rights, we can even argue that slavery is an issue discussed in Harry Potter. And last, but definitely not least, death. Death is very present in this saga, much more than any other aspect. From Harry’s Parents to Voldemort himself (the villain of the story) we watch many characters die, even the ones everyone loves. This shows us how it might be present in our lives as well, we are going to lose our loved ones and have to move on without them. Taking all this in consideration, I think that it would be quite a waste if adults missed out on these books.

Another thing that I wanted to consider is the movie adaptations. That was when the Harry Potter world really reached the general public. Harry Potter movies actually showed everyone what the story was about and why it was not for kids only. Even though personally I find the books scarier, the movies give another life to the horror part of the narrative, making them age rated, the lowest at 11 years old and the highest at 14. From ghostly creatures that take every single happy memory of yours to the number of deaths, and tortures for that matter, that take place, one cannot argue, I’m sure, that this saga is only meant for children. The first time I saw a Harry Potter film, and it was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, I was very young and I got so scared I barely slept that night. In my opinion, it even gets scarier as you get older, for often the youngest don’t fully understand the meaning of such atrocities. As one gains life experience, one learns to interpret, not only Harry Potter, but also older children’s stories from a whole different point of view. Books are written by people for people. Even if an author wants to reach a younger audience, other reader should give it a chance. Most children’s books are considered that way because they teach them something, a moral, a lesson, even gives advices. Either this specific saga or any other, I think it would be wise to try to read children's books, for even though we are older and more experienced, we always have something to learn.

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by ElphabaPfenix

e all know how we celebrate Halloween. We start with a costume, a party with candies from Honeydukes or even Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes, a fountain of drinks like pumpkin juice or butterbeer. We gather with friends and wizards, give out candies, party the night away. But have any of you ever wonder why we celebrate Halloween? The muggles believe that dressing up as witches or wizards, monsters and ghost, help prevent paranormal attack by hiding in plain sight. Legend has it that the night or Halloween, or All Hallows’ Eve, is the one night a year the veil that separates the spirits and the mortal world is at its thinnest. This is the night that ghosts and monsters and demons break free from their Monster realm and roam the world. The more grotesque you dress up, the more ruckus you cause, the less likely you will be attacked by the evil beings.

As sensible and Quibbler-informed witches and wizards, we all know that that is a load of hippogriff poop. Witches and wizards live hidden and peacefully alongside muggles, ghosts are disembodied spirits of our kind that can’t be seen by muggles and demons are just misunderstood magical creatures that muggles don’t understand. So why do we celebrate Halloween? Why is the pumpkin so closely linked to the festival. After much digging, a couple of memory charms, an incident involving a fish and countless cups of coffee, I have uncovered the origin of this festival. Hold on to your socks, readers. This is a mind blowing exposé. Some time in 100 B.C, there was a young wizard named Samuel Haynes. He was born in The Isle of Man, home schooled in Celtic Magic. He grew to be a tall, pale and lanky young man and set off for an adventure at age 18. Samuel, or Sam as he was more commonly known, travelled to what is now North 17

QUIBBLER INSERT America to study the Native Americans’ branch of skin changing magic. He studied for 4 years under the tutelage of Sow-In-The-Moon, the shaman of the tribe Sam lived with. They became very close. Sow-In-The-Moon treated Sam like a son, they were happy. During these 4 years, Sam found that he had a particular affinity with wolves. Naturally, he chose the wolf as his skin change. Sam had a very inquisitive mind. He loved to challenge the knowledge of his shaman and often posed questions that others had never considered. One question changed his fate forever. ‘What would happen if you changed in to a non-animal?’ He started experimenting with pumpkins. Why pumpkins, we may never know. Perhaps it was readily available at that time. Skin changing was a very precise, very intimate branch of magic. It required bonding with your spirit animal, rituals that connects both of you and giving in to your animalistic side. Your chosen spirit animal has to reciprocate the bond, something a pumpkin could not do. Sam, in a creavity inspired moment, put a permanent time freezing spell on the pumpkin and proceeded to put a part of his soul and encase it in the pumpkin. There was no records of how he did it, but that night, which was the night of the Blood Moon, was a very curious night. SowIn-The-Moon went missing along with Sam, both of them gone without a trace. Sam’s skin changing fur was missing, but all his other belongings were left behind, along with his experimental notes. In the notes, he had the method of splitting one’s soul, and some theories for encasing a soul in an object for safekeeping, anchoring was the term used. Nothing was ever heard about them from then on. Centuries later, back in The Isle of Man, rumours of a pumpkin headed spectre haunted the forest. Every October the 31st, the Pumpkin Spirit would roam the forest, moaning “Sow in… Sow in…”. The people were afraid of the haunting and took measures that they felt would prevent the Pumpkin Spirit from getting close to them. They would take all the pumpkins and consume them before the Pumpkin Spirit could manifest, summon all forms of magical creatures or even dress up as them to scare away the Pumpkin Spirit. Even with all those rituals, the Pumpkin Spirit never failed to appear, though it left the people alone. Over the years, the 18

tale of the Pumpkin Spirit became the Tale of the Pumpkin King. Stories of love, loss, jealousy and vengeance were spun into the tale, but none of that were traceable. Soon the practice of such rituals spread to all over the Celtic Nations and Britain. In around 600 A.D, the Christians took this holiday and combined it with All Saints Day, making this ritual in to a celebratory event and slowly Halloween evolved into what we know today. But what has the story of Samuel Haynes, The Pumpkin King and Halloween have to do with each other? I believe that Sam was successful in his experiments. He killed Sow-In-The-Moon to split his soul and encased a part of his soul in the pumpkin he froze time in, made a bond with his soul in the pumpkin and managed to skin change in to the pumpkin, or a variation of it. His body fused with the pumpkin permanently due to his time freeze spell, it could no longer change because time didn’t exist in the pumpkin! There is no change from current state to future state. There is only one state. The now state. Sam was trapped! And he couldn’t age, he couldn’t die! Sam fled back to The Isle of Man, filled with regret and pain. Who would accept him? Half man, half pumpkin. No one to love him, no one to care. He killed the man who treated him like a son just for his experiment. He lived in hiding most of the time, every anniversary of his foster father’s death, Sam would be driven to madness by guilt and roam the forest lamenting his victim’s name, “Sow-In-The-Moon”. The anniversary of Sow-In-The-Moon’s death, the night they went missing, the night of the Blood Moon? 31st of October!

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Polyjuice Potion Accidents by ElphabaPfenix

NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER

ith Halloween just around the corner, the use of Polyjuice potions increase this time of the year. There is a whole industry where you can buy the hairs of celebrities and even famous muggles to dress up as with the use of the Polyjuice potion. While the use of Polyjuice potions can be a fun addition to playing dress up during Halloween, be careful with the limitations of the potion. Ernie Egbert wanted to win the Best Dressed Muggle Invention at the Halloween Bar Party of ’09. Unfortunately, he had forgotten that Polyjuice potions only work for living humans, not inanimate objects. Ernie tried to go as an airplane (a muggle invention that helps them fly) by adding an engine part from a Boeing 777 (a model of airplane, like Nimbus 2007 for broomsticks) to the Polyjuice potion he brewed. Ernie’s hands turned to airplane wings and had to be admitted in to St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. After 3 weeks of intensive care, Ernie was discharged with no lasting effects from the potion. “I have always identified as a fighter jet plane, even though my parents couldn’t understand. It was my dream to soar the sky, clad in metal that makes me strong and meet other planes. I really thought Polyjuice was the way to go!” Ernie said in an interview while at St. Mungo’s. “Polyjuice potions should not be used for transformation into inanimate objects”, warns Healer Augustus Pye, St. Mungo’s Head of Potions Accident Department.

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harry is a

werewolf

by ElphabaPfenix 22

ears after the Boy who Lived won against the Dark Lord during the Battle of Hogwarts in 1998, many mysteries still goes unresolved that surrounds Mr. Harry Potter. The one that caught my eye was the rumor that Harry Potter is a Werewolf. Harry Potter was always a very private person. For someone who has gained fame, such behaviour is very uncommon; downright suspicious some would say. Below, we are going through all the evidence that I have been able to dig up on our hero: 1. We know that Harry Potter’s Godfather, Sirius Black, could transform into a dog. Transformation is no stranger to the Potter family. Harry’s own father was rumoured to be an unregistered animagus along with Sirius Black. 2. Lupin, Harry’s old DADA teacher, and best friends with Sirius, was a Werewolf. This is where our story starts to come together. In Harry Potter’s 3rd year at Hogwarts, Professor Remus Lupin joined the staff as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Lupin took a special interest in the boy who lived, training the boy in private lessons and even teaching the boy his Patronus Charm. This interesting Mentor/Student dynamic could have stemmed from the fact that Lupin turned Harry into a Werewolf that year. 3. Harry always fought for the rights of half-breeds. Most notoriously he was very vocal against Dolores Umbridge, a strong proponent against all half-breeds, including Werewolves. Harry Potter has always been a strong advocate for equal rights between every magical creature and Wizards/ Witches. Adding to that, Harry Potter always seemed to fight Mdm. Dolores Umbridge, who drafted and introduced the anti-Werewolf legislation. Harry Potter’s “battles” against Mdm. Umbridge over their time at Hogwarts could very well stem from Umbridge’s hatred for Werewolves. Harry could be just defending his own kind. Mdm. Dolores has confirmed through interviews conducted in Azkaban, where she is currently residing, that Harry’s hatred for her seem to surface after Harry learned of her involvement with the anti-Werewolf legislation, that made it hard for Werewolves to get a job.

4. He fought against Fenrir Greyback. In Harry’s 6th year in Hogwarts, Hogwarts was infiltrated by a group of Death Eaters, including Fenrir Greyback, notorious Werewolf with a penchant for choosing his victims young. Sources close to the battle said, “Greyback also tried to bite Harry Potter during the battle, but Harry retaliated with a Full Body-Bind Curse.” We have never heard of a full body-bind curse being able to repel a full grown Werewolf attack and if Harry didn’t become a Werewolf before then, this would have been a prime chance. 5. We have never seen him at night during the full moon. [Author’s note: July 30 2007 full moon, July 31, interview rejected.] After the Battle of Hogwarts, many rumors of Harry Potter being a Werewolf began surfacing. We noticed that Harry Potter wasn’t seen outside during the nights of the full moon. We took the chance to arrange an interview on July 31st 2007 but was cancelled by Mr. Potter a few days before the interview. July 30th 2007 was the night of a full moon. Coincidence? I think not. 6. He got really hairy after his year with Lupin. After a year of having Remus Lupin as a teacher, where they grew very close, a source close to Potter said “you could see Harry growing hairier by the day! He started growing taller, hair grew in places they didn’t grow before, he got much more athletic, he got more aggressive towards his friends; all signs of Lycanthropy.” 7. The Slughorn Connection Harry Potter maintained a close relationship with Professor Slughorn, Potions Master, during and after his 6th year at Hogwarts. Perhaps Harry was taking a page from Lupin’s book, getting a close connection in Hogwarts to maintain a steady supply of the hard-tobrew and expensive Wolfsbane Potion.

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Muggle Candy Worth Traveling For Central and South American Edition by Eldis

Hello everyone and welcome to another edition of Muggle Candy Worth Traveling For, where we tell you where to go and what to eat. After exploring North America during our previous Summer Edition, we’re now travelling south to Central and South America. These countries, as many American wizards and witches may know, are already famous for their many magical treats. There is no better hot chocolate than the Chilean Bubbling Hot Chocolate™ (so hot it burns on the tongue!) and everyone knows that the Secret Ingredient for Butterbeer is harvested somewhere in the Amazon forest. So, without further ado, here are the delicious Muggle treats this continent has to offer!

beautiful island has a lot of delicious treats to offer. First of all, the Torticas de Moron. Originated in the city of Morón, located in Central Cuba, these delicious sugary cookies are only for our adult readers. A combination of rum, lime and vanilla gives this treat a distinct tropical taste. For the younger readers of the Quibbler, Arroz con Leche

is definitely a recommended treat. This pudding is made with rice, milk, cinnamon and sugar and is 100% alcohol-free. For those looking for a bit of caffeine, the Capuchinos Cubanos are delicious cone-shaped cakes that go perfectly with a perfect cup of Cuban coffee.

Last time, we left off in Louisiana, so now we are travelling over the Gulf of Mexico to Cuba! This 24

From Cuba, we move on to the Dominican Republic, where you simply have to try the Bizcocho Dominicano. This light and airy cake is filled with pineapple jam and has a fluffy Italian meringue

INSERT QUIBBLER hot melted chocolate. Dulce de Tamarindo is made of tamarind paste, water and sugar rolled into small balls. The sugar balances the paste’s sour taste into a delicious treat! If you’re a fan of the tamarind-taste, try the Pelón Pelon Rico, a popular gooey confectionary that you have to squeeze out of a tube through a grate. If the regular ones aren’t to your liking, try the watermelon or lime flavoured ones.

topping that melts in your mouth. Another delicious cake is the Dominican Arepa, made with cornmeal and coconut. Not a big fan of cakes? Try the Maíz Caquiau, also known as Chacá. This dessert is traditionally prepared using dry corn. The corn is mixed with hot ashes and grinded until the skin loosens. After washing and boiling, the corn is mixed with rice, water, milk, cinnamon and cloves and cooked until it forms into a delicious pudding.

Let us now cross the southeast Mexican border to Guatemala. There, candied fruit is a very popular treat. Unlike many other candied fruits, the fruit isn’t dried, giving it a fresher taste. For example, maletas de higo, or candied figs, are made with fresh figs and colochos de guayaba are made with fresh guavas, cinnamon and sugar. Sweets are often sold in colourful candy stores, selling not only candied fruit but also chilacayote, chancaca, tartaritas and alborotos, which are colourful

Mexico also has its fair share of delicious treats to offer. This country is known for its spicy food, and Mexicans cannot resist putting chili powder in even their sweet confectioneries! Take the Revolcadtas, for example. These watermelon-flavoured hard

round sweets. Another must-try Guatemalan sweet is known as Las Canillitas de Leche. These treats are named for their long shape and are usually prepared in a traditional way, with milk, sugar and cinnamon.

candies have a gooey centre but are covered in chili powder! The Vero Mango lollipops are mango shaped and flavoured, but still covered in a chili powder layer. And if the magical Bubbling Hot Chocolate is a bit tóó fire-y for you, try a Mexican muggle hot chocolate with chili! Though it may sound weird, chocolate and chili is truly a delicious combination. On the topic of chocolate, when in Mexico one simply has to try some churros. These fried sticks of sweet dough are traditionally covered in cinnamon sugar and can be dipped in

Now on from Central to South America, let’s visit Colombia! Here, you can get Obleas with Arequipe, made fresh and sold by street vendors. Made out of two wafers with arequipe, jam and occasionally grated cheese in between, this is a delicious treat one simply has to try. Colombia is one of the biggest guava producers in the world, so it is no surprise that they have delicious treats based on them. Bocadillos de Guayaba is one example of such a treat. It is made with guava pulp and panela and shaped like a small rectangular block. It has a dark red colour and is so popular that it was nominated to become Colombia’s national symbol! A little over the border in Peru, Suspiro a la Limeña 25

QUIBBLER INSERT is a popular dessert. Literally translated as ‘sigh of Lima lady’, this delicious treat originated in Lima and is named because the dessert is so sweet and light it resembles a woman’s sigh. Mazamorra Morada is also a delicious dessert. It is made from purple corn and fruit, which gives it a beautiful deep purple colour, hence the name morada. The

Is that too much chocolate for you? Try Quindim instead! This is a round, bright yellow Brazilian custard with a delicious coconut taste. The name comes from the word ‘dikende’, which comes from the Bantu language Kikongo. It means ‘the gestures, demeanour or humour characteristic of adolescent girls’. Over in Chile, the Tres Leches cake is a popular dish. As the name suggests, this cake is soaked in three kinds of milk: evaporated milk, condensed milk and heavy cream. However, due to the structure of the cake it does not become too soggy. Over in neighbouring Argentina, the Sopaipilla is a very popular pasty made from leavened wheat dough that is allowed to rise before being deep-fried. Argentina is also the world’s largest consumer of alfajores, which consists out of two large, soft cookies with dulce de leche in the middle, covered in chocolate. Dulce de leche is

structure resembles that of pudding and it has a sour-sweet taste, not unlike blackberry pie. If you prefer a bit more doughy treat, try picarones. It is made with squash and sweet potato and shaped like a thin doughnut. It is often covered with chancaca syrup and served whilst preparing antichuchos. Antichuchos is another traditional Peruvian dish, often sold by street vendors. It is made with meat, vinegar and spices. Turron de doña pepa is mainly consumed in October, during the celebration of Señor de los Milagros. It is a colourful treat, constructed of different layers of a thick, sticky cookie strips. Brazil is known in the wizarding world for hosting Castelobruxo, one of the eleven wizarding schools. However, Brazil has more to offer than a large wizarding community and a very talented Quidditch team. Take paçoca, for example. This delicious muggle candy is made out of ground peanuts, sugar and salt. It is one of the most beloved Brazilian candies, and although it is consumed throughout the year it is most popular during Festa Junina. For the chocolate fans reading the Quibbler, we would recommend trying a brigadeiro. These Brazilian bonbons are incredibly unhealthy, but that is what makes them so delicious! We would also urge you to try Torta Holandesa! This tart is one big bulk of creamy, chocolatey goodness. It has chocolate icing, a base of milk chocolate and as decoration chocolate-covered cookies are stuck to the side. 26

made by slowly warming up condensed milk until it becomes a caramel-like substance. It is used for many things, including as icing to cover cakes, churros, waffles or ice cream, and it is also a popular spread on pancakes or toast. As always, thank you for coming with us on this wonderfully delicious journey through Central and South America. We hope you will join us next time when we will discover all the deliciousness Africa has to bring!

No money to travel? No problem! Here are some recipes you can make from the safety of your own home.

TRAVEL QUIBBLER

Churros Ingredients

1 cup/235 ml water 2 Â˝ tablespoons/36 grams of white sugar a pinch of salt 2 tablespoons/30 ml of vegetable oil 1 cup/130 grams of all-purpose flour oil for frying white sugar, to cover the churros cinnamon, to cover the churros

Directions

1. Combine the water, sugar, salt and vegetable oil in a pan and bring to a boil. Mix well. 2. Remove from the heat and stir in the flour until the mixture becomes a ball. 3. Heat oil in deep-fryer to 375 degrees Fahrenheit/190 degrees Celsius. 4. Put the dough in a piping bag, or in a plastic wrapper with one corner cut off. 5. Carefully pipe stripes of dough into the hot oil. Use a pair of scissors to cut the dough when your churro is long enough. 6. Fry until golden. 7. Remove the churro from the fryer and let it drain on paper towels. 8. Mix cinnamon and sugar and cover your churros with it. Enjoy!

QUIBBLER TRAVEL

Bizcocho Dominicano

Sopapillas

Ingredients for the cake

Ingredients

½ lb/220 grams of all-purpose flour 2 teaspoons/8 grams of baking powder ½ lb/220 grams of unsalted butter ½ lb/220 grams of sugar 3 eggs a pinch of grated lime peel 2 teaspoons/10 mL of vanilla extract 1 cup/235 mL orange juice Pineapple jam Ingredients for the topping 2 egg whites ⅓ cup/65 grams of powdered caster sugar ½ cup/65 gram of sugar 1 teaspoon/4 grams of cornstarch ¼ cup/60ml water

Directions

1. Grease two 8’’/20cm baking moulds and sprinkle with flour 2. Mix the flour and baking powder. 3. Beat together butter and sugar until fluffy. 4. One by one, add the eggs to the butter and sugar mixture. Make sure one egg is beaten in properly before adding the next. 5. Add the lime peel and vanilla. 6. Add a bit of the flour, mix well and add a bit of the juice. Repeat until everything is well-mixed and you have a smooth, fluffy batter. 7. Divide the batter over the two baking pans and bake them for 30 minutes at 350 degrees Fahrenheit or 175 degrees Celsius. 8. When the cakes are baked, cut the upper crust of one of the cakes to make it even. 9. Spread the pineapple jam over the cut side of your cake. Put the other cake on top, with the flat side on the pineapple jam. 10. For decoration, make a meringue icing. Make sure all your tools are properly cleaned, for otherwise the eggs won’t become firm. 11. Beat the egg whites for 30 seconds at low speed. Increase the speed to medium and whisk until they have become white and the volume has doubled. 12. Add the powdered sugar and cornstarch. Whisk until firm white peaks are formed. 13. Meanwhile, mix the sugar and water. Boil until it becomes a light caramel colour. 14. Slowly pour the caramel into the bowl with the mixed egg whites. Whisk at high speed until the meringue has firm peaks and you can hold the bowl upside down without any of it dripping down. 15. Spread the meringue on top and around the cake. Enjoy!

4 cups/480 grams of all-purpose flour a pinch of salt 4 tablespoons/50 grams of shortening 1 ½ cups/375 ml of warm water oil for frying

Directions

1. Stir together the flour, baking powder, salt and shortening. 2. Slowly add the water whilst mixing in order to avoid clumps in your dough. 3. Cover your dough and let it rest for half an hour. 4. Roll the dough until it is about ⅛ inches or 3 millimetres thick. Cut into 3 inch/8cm squares. 5. Heat the oil in the deep-fryer to 375 degrees Fahrenheit of 190 degrees Celsius. 6. Fry the squares one by one until they are golden on both sides. 7. Drain on paper towels. Enjoy!

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QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES

Care of Snakes A Magical Guide to your Non-Magical Pet

MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES QUIBBLER

your snake can be any colour you

PROS AND CONS There are many things you should take

choose!. Fun for the whole family!

into consideration before getting your

Have

we can help you decide if a snake

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is for you, and how to care for it.

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Snakes are also very low-maintenance.

the smallest snake in the world is

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Do you work a 9-5 Ministry job, or are Then a snake could very well be for you! Snakes

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QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES All of these are very positive points, but there

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LIVING ARRANGEMENTS

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Snakes live in what's called a vivarium, similar

and other similar animals. These can be 32

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MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES QUIBBLER

owner to prevent your snake taking an unexpected expedition of your living room. Now with optional built-in protection against Exploding Snabberwitches! Inside, you'll need a substrate to cover the ground. The best substrate depends on your snake. For snakes who spend a lot of time up in trees or don't burrow, a few sheets of the Daily Prophet will be easy and a quick clean up.

Some snakes that like to burrow r e q u i r e sand, but be careful, as sand is dangerous if ingested, and when soiled it needs to be replaced entirely. Another option is a Cypress mulch, since it is comfortable, has a soft feel, smells natural and helps to regulate

humidity in the snake’s environment. While being very safe for snakes, it must also be completely replaced when soiled. If you're not comfortable with cleaning up or are just too busy breaking that last curse on the tomb, Edwell’s Self Cleaning Realistic Grass™ (so realistic you’ll be surprised when it doesn’t grow!) will spruce up your snake's environment while looking natural and manageable.

Vivariums will also need a certain amount of heat distribution inside for the snake. This includes having a Self-Heating rock and a source of heat and UV. With our very own Edwell’s Lilliputian Sun™ (which perfectly imitates the Sun in its heat and UV distribution), you can make your snake’s environment as real as the wild, only safer. This is

essential for keeping your snake healthy and content. Remember though, there needs to be both a warm spot for basking in the heat and a cool spot for relaxing. Your snake needs a few more things; the main one is a water dish. An Edwell’s Partially Transfigurable Water Dish™ can be moulded to look like a rockpool and is shallow enough for your snake to be safe. Water needs to be replaced every couple days but with our Edwell's Clear As Day Water Solution™ (now available in 10 different colours!), one drop a week and your water will stay fresh and clean. Your snakes will also need a place to hide in, everyone needs time to themselves after all. These come in many shapes and 33

QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES sizes. Those include, but are not limited to, hollowed rocks and tree branches, realistic miniature houses or similar opaque containers. These should have a lid, or a large opening in case your snake gets stuck, so you have an easy way to help rescue them without hurting either of you. If your snake would have been a tree dweller in the wild, make sure to add in a few branches for your snake to climb on. A hollowed out branch, attachable to the wall, is a very good addition for your arboreal snakes to hide in. CARE FOR YOUR SNAKE When caring for your pet snake, you'll want it to be as healthy as possible. It's important to make sure your snake has enough hydration. Include a full water bowl, you'll want your snake to have a comfortable environment. Make sure you spray a misting of water into the vivarium on hot days so your snakes have the right level of hydration in the air to keep their bodies working like normal. Snakes, just like wizards, need water to keep their organs in check, but it also helps them to shed their skin. Shedding skin can be a big problem for snakes. The majority of the time they will shed a complete skin, but make sure you give your snake a thorough checking to make sure no harmful skin was left behind - this can cause your pet serious problems if left behind. Check out our Edwell's Swift Shedding Snake Skin Spray™ to help your pet have a complete and perfect shed! (Now with a free scent to repel the Blibbering Humdinger!) You can tell your snake will shed soon in a number of ways: firstly, your snake may bump into things a lot more and be more defensive, like a silly blind Flobberworm. Snakes don't have very good eyesight in the first place, but as snakes don't have eyelids, the skin on their eyes will be affected. You can also tell how close a snake is to shedding by looking at 34

the colour, most easily recognizable on the eyes: the skin will appear a milky, foggy colour. When your snake is close to shedding, make sure it is well humidified. If your snake is having trouble shedding, you can add a large and shallow Edwell’s Moldable Basin™ of warm water for the snake to bathe in, but don't make it too deep. It should only deep enough for the snake to be covered when all of its body is inside. Make sure to supervise, and to remove this basin afterwards. If your snake is still having problems, add some pieces of soft parchment for the snake to rub against and get the shed started. All snakes are different, some like being held and others dislike it with a fierce passion. Small snakes get tired easily, so make sure you don't overhandle them, as it can be stressful. If your snake has just eaten and is digesting food, don't handle your snake unless you really have to. Doing so would be like trying to tickle a sleeping dragon. When holding your snake, they will often curl up on your neck, or around your arm and hand. For most snakes, this isn't dangerous and completely normal. Just think of it as a nice big hug! In fact, it's actually gripping tight so that it doesn't fall off your arm, and this way it can also absorb the heat from your skin. Snakes can also sense the levels of fear in the air, and if you are scared it may try to get away from you so that it doesn't feel your fear anymore. FEEDING When feeding your snake, it's important to keep in mind that your snake is a predominantly wild animal, and no matter how friendly, natural hunting instincts can kick in. Snakes eat mice or rats, depending on the size and age of the snake. A young snake will need to eat once a week or so, but will eat less when growth starts slowing down. Older snakes often only eat once a month, but it is completely normal to not eat for a couple months. If you're worried

MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES QUIBBLER

about your snake’s eating habits, see a Pet Healer for a check-up. Remember to wash your hands before and after handling snakes, as disease or danger could occur from an accidental mishap. There are several reasons why your snake might not be eating. Often, it simply may not be hungry. Every snake has a different personality, your snake might only eat if you supply it in a specific way, or it might eat everything and anything you dangle in front of it, which can lead to your snake becoming obese. Snakes may not eat from stress, this could be caused by their needs not being kept correct or consistent. Make sure you have a good routine for feeding and taking care of their environment, and don't overhandle them. Another reason could be the method of feeding. Most snakes will eat rats or mice. You can buy o u r popular Edwell's Chilly Cheers™ (pet food that stays fresh until you need it! Just use the counterspell and your food thaws in an instant!) and either leave the food for the snake to take, or use the Wingardium Leviosa spell to hover it in front of your pet. This will often be enough for your snake to eat.

up the food for a more desirable meal. Under no circumstances feed your snake live food without being referred by a specialised Pet Healer. Live food can cause several problems including a danger factor for your snake’s health, and a chance to bring out a primal hunting instinct causing your snake to lash out at you or another wizard, or hurt your snake badly, possibly killing it. Snakes are amazing Non-Magical pets, fun for the whole family to enjoy. If you're thinking of having one as your next pet, drop in to our store Edwell's Exotics to see your options. Don’t forget to see our sister store, Edwell Edibles, while you're there! Eat well at Edwell! We hope to see you soon, and if you have any great ideas for

new products, feel free to send them in for the chance to win a free Pygmy Puff! We hope to see you soon, and if you send in a picture of your newlypurchased snake within the next month, you go in the chance to win a complete Vivarium Beginners’ Bundle™ set! Written

Calculost

and

Telsion

If your snake is having trouble still, use a standard, weak warming spell to heat

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New from The Journal of Magical Creatures

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The Twilight Butterfly By TheLuckyRavenclaw7

By GOLLY! We, the wizards and witches of The Journal of Magical Creatures, a bestseller in the last 2 years, have decided to take a trip up to the arctics for more research on magical beasts. Here is one particularly interesting one we found. We discovered when using the revealing spell of highest intensity, Revelio maximum, colonies of Crepusculum papilionem (a rather beautiful insect) appeared.We decided to name them Twilight Butterflies, and apparently, they are native only in the North Pole. These butterflies are formed from the essences of drowned polar bears (oh yes, it's disturbing, my fellow friends.) A new generation of these butterflies are born whenever the northern lights appear over the corpses of the deceased bears. These butterflies eat once in their lifetime- eating the remains of the polar bear they derived from, therefore determining it's lifespan by the amount it initially eats. These butterflies have a florescent, transparent, blue-tinted body and have silvery wings, and the more it eats, the brighter it glows. As a result, those born from a freshly deceased bear glow brighter and live longer than one born from a bear who died 5 months ago. The butterflies conjoin in the air within the Northern Lights in order to make the lights glow brighter than usual. The lifespan of a Twilight Butterfly is its luminescence, once it stops glowing, it merely disintegrates into silver dust. However, since the dust attracts bears because of its sheen and visual appeal, the butterfly will do its best to endure its final moments at night, where it will die over the ocean or a sinkhole. This allows bears to follow this trail of hope, thinking it would be more prey to allow them to sustain another winter, instead, they are met with nothing but false promises, and ultimately, death, and therefore, a new generation of butterflies, only to have this cycle to continue on for eternity. Our group was fortunate enough to witness the birth of hundreds of these twilight butterflies. It was quite beautiful, until the harsh reality hit us...we were surrounded by hundreds of dead polar bears. We decided to leave that night, because apparently there was a corpse of a muggle there as well. Keep in touch with us for the latest in new magical creature research!

QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES

Rampant Animal Cruelty at Hogwarts Today I would like to discuss an issue that receives shockingly little attention: the cruel and disgraceful use of animals in Transfiguration classes at Hogwarts. As we know, transfiguration of living beings changes not only physical form, but also affects their mental state. Sirius Black, the second person known to have escaped Azkaban, spoke of the dementors’ ability to sense his transformation, stating: “they could tell that my feelings were less human, less complex when I was a dog”. If turning from one living being into another living being changes your mind and your sense of self, imagine what it would be like to turn from a living being into an inanimate object. Imagine blinking in and out of existence on the whim of an eleven year old child.

The horrifying prospect of being made into a mindless, soulless thing is a reality for any animal unfortunate enough to be in a transfiguration classroom at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And it is not only small creatures with limited mental processes, like beetles, being turned into objects. Animals we consider familiars and pets also suffer. Rats are turned into goblets, cats into cauldrons, and owls into opera glasses. According to former Hogwarts student and animal rights activist Lizard Tuttle, this practice is a “disgrace”. Tuttle has tried in vain to curb the practice but, much to her dismay, the movement has gained little traction. “I think that people don’t realize what they are doing to these animals. It’s a fate worse than death that they suffer over and over again…and that’s not to mention transfigurations that go horribly wrong,” Tuttle states.

The question that I pose to you, dear readers, is, if it was your beloved pet on the desk of a first year student who was attempting to turn it into an object, would you sit idly by? I think not. It is time for action. We must not continue to turn a blind eye to this cruelty. At the very least, students who object to this practice should be allowed to complete an alternative assignment, and any transfigurations performed on living beings should be removed from O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. exams. I suggest that you write a letter, not only to the Ministry of Magic, but to the Headmaster of Hogwarts, to implore them to show mercy on these creatures. I myself have written numerous strongly worded letters on the subject.

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Wheredowizards come from? BY: blxckfire art by: andydandyz

When 11-year olds get their first Hogwarts letter, their first task already begins: shopping. Sure, it’s boring, wandering around moldy bookstores or looking for the most boring cauldron that ever existed. While getting a wand is probably the best thing you’ll ever feel in your entire life, there’s something that deserves the second place: a pet. And yeah, cats and rats are cute, and toads are… cool, but there’s only one animal that will bring you post, accompany you on your broomstick or just judge everyone while it’s perched on your shoulder: the owl. Here’s a list of the most common owls, and which The snowy owl one you should choose. The famous Harry Potter owned one, a strikingly white guardian. Snowy owls are mysterious, but they mainly hunt during the day Quite useful if you like sleeping during the night. They’re fine sitting in the same spot for hours, just observing things. They’re often seen as quiet introverts, but they will protect their territory or partner, no matter what.

The BARRED owl

A guide

Barred owls aren’t afraid of anything. They are always very vocal, day or night, and love singing “hoo, hoo, hoo-HOO!”. They may have a slight temper when you come make them angry, but they’re usually patient. Somewhat. Despite their big size, the only thing you’ll ever hear will come from their beak they’re big silent hunters!

choosing your owl by: DescX

The BARN owl This fella screeches and hisses instead of hooting. Not because they’re angry, it’s just their voice. They’re pretty adaptive when it comes to a sleeping cycle, but you’ll need to train them a little. Their cute face, soft feathers, and kind behavior makes them a great partner for people who like to cuddle and play with their pet. They love it when you scratch their belly.

The Great HORNED owl The “tiger of the air” is easily one of the most impressive owls. They are adaptable, very patient, but then suddenly they’ll strike out to their prey with great force. This cat with wings is very territorial and protective, and doesn’t back away from using its aggressive force when necessary. However, they are very loyal to their partner - but here’s the thing: you’ll be their partner and, not their owner or boss.

Effects of Gillyweed

in Merpeople by Blxckfire

illyweed. What a fascinating magical plant. Native to the Mediterranean Sea, it allows a wizard to process oxygen from water upon ingesting. One grows gills and webbing between the fingers and toes, and navigation underwater becomes much, much easier.

But what is the effect of gillyweed on merpeople? Surely it has been eaten by them before. I mean, it’s an underwater plant! We humans eat lettuce and kale, so why wouldn’t they experiment with their water leaves? Unfortunately, there has not been much research conducted on this subject matter. So I decided to dive down to the depths of the Black Lake to get to the bottom of this issue. In order to complete this task, I ingested the gillyweed myself. This both allowed me to survive underwater and compare the effects to those of humans. Now the effects of gillyweed only last one hour for your typical witch or wizard, so I had to bring down extra supplies in case they were needed. There is no information on whether or not one can overdose on gillyweed, but I am still here after being down here for four hours, so take that as you will. Finding the merpeople was rather easy, as I just had to follow their voices. They were very friendly upon approach, and they welcomed me with open arms. Getting them to eat the gillyweed was not. I was stabbed roughly twenty seven times, but thanks to my extensive self-healing abilities, I am still here to tell the story. I cannot quite remember how I convinced them to eat it, but I am sure peer pressure played a role. At first, there was no effect, and I was greatly disappointed. Perhaps because the two are native to the same biome, the magical effect was non-existent. However, I decided to stay and observe for any delayed effects. After about half an hour, their movements became slightly impaired. They swam more clumsily, but they seemed to also move with a whimsical mood. They were no longer hostile towards me, and were much, much more pleasant. They welcomed me with open arms and a fit of giggles, insisting that I join them for their impromptu feast because they were suddenly starving. As soon as I realized their eyes were red, I knew what had just happened. I had just introduced the merpeople of the Black Lake to recreational drugs. The effects of gillyweed in merpeople were almost identical to the effects of marijuana in humans. The red eyes, happy mood, and increased appetite were all dead giveaways of one being high. They reminded me much of my Hogwarts roommate, minus the smell of skunk. I was curious to see what the effects would be out of the water, but despite their laid-back demeanors, they wouldn’t breach the surface, and seemed terrified of what was above. I believe they were experiencing some type of hallucination. I hope to further research these effects, although I’m not quite sure if addiction isOh dear, what if this is just a gateway drug to harder substances? Have I just doomed the merpeople to a life of addiction and gambling problems? I fear that I have made a horrible mistake in the name of herbology.

QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES

Small Dragon Finds Owners of Bushes Written by Borus Benchworthe Earlier this month, shrieks were heard to issue from the quiet suburbs of the London Borough of Bromley. Muggle policemen rushed to the scene and reportedly found the smouldering remains of a series of bushes in a muggle yard. After investigating thoroughly, it was determined that the bush had simply spontaneously burst into flames. As this is in the middle of the rainy season, authorities were understandably puzzled. Mr. Octavian Tory, a member of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, has informed this reporter that the cause for the bush fire was, in fact, a baby Hebridean Black.

MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES QUIBBLER Originally from the Hebrides Isles in Scotland, the Hebridean Black dragons can grow up to thirty feet in length and are known to be slightly more aggressive than their Swedish Shortsnout counterparts. This aggressiveness usually necessitates the allocation of large swathes of land to avoid confrontation over territory. These dragons are covered in rough, black scales with ridges down their back and have large, bat-like wings with an unknown average wingspan. Their vivid purple eyes are entrancing and greatly assist the dragons in hunting deer, cows, and the occasional rabbit. Additionally, Mr. Tory informs me that the arrow-tipped tail on this dragon is not used in hunting, as is commonly assumed, but in defense when territory or family is threatened. "It was like a scene from a movie!" exclaimed Ms. Ellensby, the owner of the destroyed bushes, clearly delighted to find someone who would believe her. She had been drying the dishes in the kitchen when she suddenly heard a noise from her garden. Most closely resembling the sound of a disgruntled chipmunk, the creature in her garden appeared to be dislodging the earth beneath her dogwood shrub. Putting down her plate and carefully taking her gloves off, Ms. Ellensby crept out her side door and made her way over to the shrub, taking care to make as little noise as possible. Once she'd reached the source of the noise, Ms. Ellensby knelt on the ground and peeked under the foliage. To her surprise, she found, not a chipmunk or even a squirrel but a rabbit. Relieved to discover that the source of the ominous noise was so benign, Ms. Ellensby stood up and so very nearly missed what happened next. There was a small flash of bright purple, an absolute shriek from the rabbit, and then the sound of crunching as though something was eating. The rabbit's shriek incited an answering yell from Ms. Ellensby who was shocked at the demonstration of Rory's hunting skills. Poor Rory, hungry and far from anything familiar, spooked at the loud noise and sneezed a great spout of flame which immediately set the shrub alite. After finishing what was left of the now-charred rabbit, Rory crept out from under the flaming bush and scampered off east, away from the city. Ms. Ellensby described it as a "weird batty lizard" to muggle authorities who, unsure of how to use this information, contacted the muggle version of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. The "Pest Control" arrived on the scene shortly after Laird Lachlan MacFusty, a junior dragon keeper, and Mr. Troy and then it was a race to find Rory. Although Mr. Troy and Laird MacFusty generally don't see eye to eye on how dragons ought to be handled, the pair agreed that it was in both of their best interests to find Rory before the muggle "Pest Control" could. For Mr. Troy and the representative from the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes, the situation becomes more complicated if more muggles lay eyes on the Hebridean Black. For Laird MacFusty, Rory is less likely to be a danger if he is the first to find him. So off all four groups went, the three wizards scouting as far ahead of the muggles as they could. Finally, after over an hour of following a trail of broken branches and burnt foliage, after crossing two busy highways, Laird Lachlan MacFusty found himself at the edge of River Cray near Crayford

More than a little winded, he took a moment to take stock of his surroundings before shifting his equipment slightly and continuing onward. At this point, he saw a dark figure making small, gliding hops down the river and laughed a little. Even at this distance, it was clear that Rory was playing in the water. Taking out a bit of rabbit from his pocket, Laird MacFusty gently maneuvered the Hebridean Black dragon into a new containment unit and, throwing the rest of the rabbit inside, closed the door with a relieved sigh . "It was a minor incident," Laird MacFusty wipes sweat from his forehead with the sleeve of his robes. The dragon keeper assured us that in the future, all containment units will be checked before departure and periodically throughout the journey. Rory, having discovered the heat of his dragon breath for the first time, appears to have repeatedly exhaled and burped at the locking mechanism until the device could take it no longer and split in two. Thankfully, this incident ended happily for everyone involved. The bushes, the muggle resident admits, will regrow. So why was a Scottish baby dragon found so far south? Where is its mother? Laird Lachlan MacFusty, a junior dragon keeper, filled us in on the history of this small dragon. Named Rory for an old Gaelic king, this baby dragon hatched and escaped its containment unit on the way back home from an exhibition of dragon eggs in Crawley. Laird MacFusty first noticed the damaged containment unit when the group stopped in Bedford for lunch and followed the path of minor destruction to the clump of destroyed bushes in a muggle yard. Although climate change is affecting the habitat of dragons like Rory, the difference is not yet extreme enough to push the entire population this far south. Dragon keepers, like the MacFusty clan, are working hard to preserve the Hebridean Black dragons' numbers, ensure that the population doesn't disrupt muggle or wizarding livestock, and educate other wizards on the qualities that make Hebridean Black dragons so very special. If you want to learn more about Hebridean Black dragons or dragons in general, send an owl to the MacFusty Clan. They tell me that they also provide lessons in dragon taming and dragon riding so long as the participants are willing to sign a hefty release form and hand over some of gold. Stay safe and remember, if you find a Hebridean Black dragon, you can contact the MacFusty Clan as well as the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.

Yours in Exultation, Borus Benchworthe

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Profiles in Potent Potion Parts: Dandelions by BottleofAlkahest plant with long slim green leaves terminating in sharp points, a long solid tap root, and bright yellow petals. In spring and fall these yellow flowers can be seen poking out of lawns and flower beds across Europe, Asian, and North America. This often maligned flowering plant is largely considered a weed by the muggle and magical communities alike. This is mostly due to their tenacious proliferation, and in spite of their utility and beauty. It is almost impossible to completely eliminate dandelions from any environment in which they have managed to establish themselves. This tendency to dig in and resist elimination likely gave rise to their name, derived from the french “dent de lion”, tooth of the lion. Just like the lion the noble Dandelion does not give up easily once it has sunk its teeth in a place.

All of the parts of the dandelion can be used for potion making. Each part must be harvested at a different time in the growing process. The dandelion is associated with the sun and should not be harvested at night. Because of the Dandelion’s association with Jupiter the plant is best harvested when Jupiter is in the ninth or twelfth house, however, if you are using the plant in a potion that relates to the mind, such as a wisdom potion, it’s best to harvest the plant at noon when Jupiter is in the ninth house. A gold knife is best for harvesting dandelion as it has a strong association with the sun. The leaves and petals can be dried and stored but will require more dried ingredient to produce the same effects as fresh. The root, however, can be 48

roasted and ground for storage without a significant loss of potency. The leaves should be harvested when they are young as they are most potent before they fully reach maturity. Once the leaves reach maturity they become bitter and much of the potency of the magic has begun to move towards the flower. The young leaves can be used boiled and added to potions that aid digestion and stomach related illnesses. It is best to use the leaves while they are still fresh but they can also be hung and dried or stored already powdered. It is best to use dried leaves, unpowdered, and added early when concocting a potion to relieve stomach ailments. Using powdered leaves or fresh leaves may have the unfortunate side-effect of further irritating the stomach. The flowers should be harvested when they still have their yellow petals and before they turn into white puff balls. The puff balls are made entirely of the seeds and the only magic they contain is their ability to produce new life, in the form of young dandelions. When harvesting the flowers it is always best to do it in full sun and once the petals have opened. Separate the petals from the rest of the flower, the green parts of the flower bud; all they will add to the potion is a bitter taste. The petals can be dried and stored as either a full petal or as a powder. While not as powerful as the fresh flowers the powdered petals will act more quickly than the whole versions absorbing faster into the potion. The petals are prized in cordials as well as potions that aid the liver and increase the openness of the mind to magic such as occlumency.

INSERT QUIBBLER The roots should only be harvested on an older plant. The roots should not be harvested until the plant has lost its puff ball head. Older more established plants are better because their taproot will be larger and more mature. Once the flower has lost its head the potency of the plant moves into the tap root gathering energy for the winter so that it can return in the spring. These roots can be roasted and either left whole or ground for storage. Unlike the leaves and flowers the roots are more potent if they have been roasted then if they are used fresh. The roasted roots can be soaked in water and used to make a coffee substitute and are also an important ingredient in most skin beauty potions. The parts of the plant can be used in their full form for potions that require a slower release of the ingredients. For potions that require less potency from the ingredient such as a Glowing Skin Potion the full tap root can be added early in the process and it will continue to release throughout the brewing process. For skin care potions that require more potency from the ingredient such as an Eczema Erasing Potion the roasted root should be added late in the process in its powdered form so that it can be absorbed quickly and with minimal loss before its properties are fully integrated into the potion. This same method is true for the leaves and the flowers. In potions that call for strong effects add flowers and leaves powdered and late for maximum effect.

plant for the Herbology challenged witch or wizard. They grow best in full and direct sunlight, loose soil, and plenty of water. They will grow however in partial shade, in a sidewalk crack, and in drought conditions. They should not be grown with other delicate plants because they will steal the water and nutrients from them with their long tap root. These hearty plants can be sown in pretty much any location and left to fend for themselves. The ease with which this plant grows in gardens leaves many opportunities for harvesting, but always be aware that some muggles love to spray poison on these beautiful magical plants and that they may no longer be suitable for potion making after wards. Dandelions, the much maligned and degenerated weed of the lawns of D.C., London, and Beijing alike are one of the many overlooked magical plants growing right in some witches and wizards backyards. There are many potentially powerful ingredients that can be harvested from the back garden but there are few plants which are as likely to be discarded without use. It would be a shame to allow the beautiful, noble, magical dandelion to languish on the compost heap. It would be a shame to subject intricate and time consuming potions to ingredients poorly suited to them. It is time to break out the trowels and return this most intriguing ingredient to our potions cupboards, but it would be a shame if we deprive ourselves of all dandelions had to offer.

Growing these plants is easy and they can survive in almost any environment making them the perfect

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ASK MADAM

Do YOU have burning questions for our resident Seer and fairy, Madam Starflash? Got yourself in a relationship with a Vampire and don’t know if it’s going to work out? Debating on using a love potion on your biggest crush? Have a bully you’d love to get rid off? Don’t hesitate to ask! Madam Starflash ALWAYS has the right answer for you! Contact her in Divination Tower at /r/TheQuibbler now with your desperate questions! 50

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k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash, I've been trying for weeks now to convince my pet niffler to give back my nicest eagle-feather quill but so far no luck! My friend said to tickle it but all I got for my trouble were singed eyebrows. Please, can you help me? Sincerely, Penless Writer

Dearest Writer, I regret to inform you that you are not dealing with a niffler at all. Nifflers only take shiny things, and they also don’t have any fire powers. You’ve been caring for a Blood-Sucking Bugbear that has been crossed with a baby dragon. This creature you’ve been calling “Snuggles” is a serious breach of the Ban on Experimental Breeding. My best advice here is for you to owl the Ministry immediately and forget about the quill. You won’t be getting it back. May Fortune smile upon you! Dear Madam Starflash, I need your help! My dog adores all kinds of fruits and vegetables! Cauliflower, tomatoes, cherries, blueberries - watermelon is his absolute favorite. However last week I was giving him a sweet treat of fresh cut strawberries and raspberries, and he was not happy. He picked out each raspberry, spit them on the floor and stepped on them for good measure! How do I get him to come around? Raspberries are delicious - how can I live with such a fickle beast?! Yours, Berry Confused Dearest Berry, Your “dog” (which is actually a crup) is highly allergic to raspberries. You’re quite lucky he didn’t swallow any of them. Give him some watermelon as a treat to make

up for it. And while I know you’re a vegan yourself, make sure you’re giving him meat with his vegetables. A great many vegan dog owners don’t realize how badly their dogs need meat to survive and give them way too much roughage. May Fortune smile upon you!

Dear Madam Starflash, My baby boy was such a sweet thing growing up. When he was a wee baby, he smelled of roses and lilies. Up as he grew up, he is starting to smell bad, hair is growing in places it didn’t grow before. My little pumpkin is getting more grumpy and angry and he likes to go out at night, “to meet his friends” he says and doesn’t come back till the next morning! I have caught him twice and both are during the full moon! Has my sweet baby turned into a werewolf, and if so, what can I do to help him? Thanks, Elphie Dearest Elphie, Your baby boy is not a werewolf. Please go to the nearest Muggle library (you’ll find one down the street from your local apothecary) and ask the librarian for books about “puberty”. That’s pronounced “pyoo-ber-tee”. She’ll get you a book that will answer all of your questions as to what has happened to your son. May Fortune smile upon you!

Dear Madam Starflash, I’m due to marry the love of my life, but over the last few months he’s taken to donning some fake glasses with Spellotape wrapped around the bridge, and drawing a lightning mark on his forehead with my best eyeliner. Worse, he then insists on answering the door, Floo, and Muggle telephone saying “I’m Potter” in an extremely deep, gravelly voice. One the specs and mark are off, he denies all knowledge of this behaviour. I don’t know if I could cope with this 51

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h d j e i e u e h e h e h e h e l e l e o e k d n j e i l p j e j e j e j e j e j k l m e j e e u e h h d n d during our entire marriage. What should I do?

Dear Madam Starflash,

Yours, Irena D.

Someone new just joined my workplace and I think I have a crush on him! I tried making an anti-love potion to curb my feelings but it didn’t work! And he seems to be flirting with me too! What should I do? He says he has a girlfriend but refuses to talk about her. He likes to stay back after work just to chat with us or have dinner. It almost seems like he is reluctant to go home. I do not wish to complicate things and I am afraid of getting rejected. Please help, Madam Starflash!

Dearest Irena, Don’t worry too much. Your future husband has just finished reading the seven Harry Potter biographies. The copy of the fifth installment that he read from was dropped in a Befuddlement Draught. The exposure would have been minor, except that’s the longest book in the whole set and he couldn’t put it down. Just put your eyeliner in your purse and place a Caterwauling Charm upon it. When he goes for it, the alarm will go off and he’ll snap out of his daze. The effects will wear off permanently in three more weeks, just in time for your wedding. May Fortune smile upon you!

Dear Madam Starflash, It has recently come to my attention that Leprechaun gold disappears after at least an hour. I mistakenly used a large heap of these coins to exchange for rubies and emeralds at Gringotts. I'm writing because I have just narrowly escaped into Muggle London and was hoping for some advice on the best way to approach these metal apparatuses, which appear to dispense bits of paper, and persuade them to accept my rubies and emeralds as payment. Looking forward to hearing from you soon, Oblivious Oops-maker Dearest Oblivious, The Gringotts goblins recognize Leprechaun gold when they see it. Your rubies and emeralds will be disappearing within the next ten minutes. The Auror that’s been tailing you for attempted counterfeit will be upon you within the hour. RUN. May Fortune smile upon you! 52

Sincerely, Ms. Jessica Grey

Dearest Jessica, I am sorry to inform you that have fallen victim to an expired Patented Daydream Charm from Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes. You were trapped in the daydream so long that it seeped into your reality and your natural anxieties overpowered the spell, leaving you hopelessly confused. You have been flirting with your own shadow for a week now. The Apothecary carries a cure for you. Just say the secret word (“pineapple”) and the witch behind the counter will slip you the antidote discreetly. May Fortune smile upon you!

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QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT

Would You Rather? It’s back to school time! And you know what that means! It’s time for you and four other socially awkward teenagers to be stuck in a dorm room with forced conversation. Do you really want to hear about how Susan had to spend the summer with her muggle grandparents again? Skip the small talk and go straight to the gossip! Gather round your friends and play a magical game of would you rather! Would you rather:

Forget to wear your trousers to one class or forget your homework for a week? Have your herbology plant die or your potion explode? Find your way into another house’s common room or find a secret passage? Be the top of your class in one or two subjects but the bottom in the rest, or average in all of them? Have an unlimited supply of liquid luck or polyjuice? Be on the quidditch pitch or cheering from the stands? Become a healer or an auror? Develop an awkward crush on a teacher and no one knows, or on a seventh year in the enemy’s house and everyone knows? Study in the library or your common room? Be able to perform nonverbal or wandless spells? Spend detention writing lines or cleaning without magic? Miss the Hogwarts Express on the way to school or back home?

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Rysler's Silly Songs “Werewolf song” (Based on “Belle” from Beauty and the Beast) A new game A whole month of Werewolves Every game Like no one before A new game full of chatty people Rushing in to say I’m first! I’m first! I’m first! I’m first! I’m first! There goes the early lynch train led by elbowsss She’s in a rush to get a head Even though she’s often wrong She is always going strong In this monthly Werewolf game Look, there she goes, that Bubba with her hug gifs The people will not hug themselves It is ever sure a deal Like WalrusPeon’s reveal No denying it’s an awesome game, Werewolves I’m first! No way! RIP all who got killed Morning Yaxli! What should we do? We must lynch oomps That is too risky It’s time for the ol’ Werewolves switcheroo Look there she goes That Mrrrrh is so suspicious With her stubborn and fierce resolves Though she’s not an amateur Always acting on the spur I bet she is one of those horrendous Wolves Oh, isn’t this a tough call Who should we take out to lunch, indeed? We cannot afford to stall Or the Wolves will beat us to the punch, they will impede Now, it’s no wonder that they call them “Mafia” 56

Their calculated moves dissolve Ev’ry time one of them lies Yet another Townie dies But nothing like the monthly game There’s nothing like the monthly game Quite nothing like the monthly game of Wolves Right from the moment that signed on, right on I said let’s do this, get involved But in truth I have no clue What I am supposed to do A confusing game for newbies, this Werewolves Look there, he goes Can’t grow a stubble That guy Rysler He’s quite the prude Should we lynch him? Not worth the trouble! He’s such a weird, lost, rhyming-loving dude Hello I’m first Good day Sup town I’m so excited Nice to meet you Chefjones Jillie The ‘poun Vegan It’s Erabel And Larixon Lord Pug Ryan Trancespire Olaf Let’s be united They’ve all signed in for monthly Werewolf game Just watch, this sub will never be the same! And there it is, our game that’s plain yet special It always changes and evolves But it really is a crime That it eats up all my time ‘Cause it really is an awesome game A social and an awesome game It really is an awesome game, Werewolves

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“I Just Can’t Wait For Ranking” (based on “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King” from The Lion King) We’re gonna make a Disney list I hope to see you there Well I tell you now you mustn’t miss You better rank with care We’re gonna talk your ears right off ‘Bout songs like “Les Poissons” The “Circle of Life”, “Whole New World” And ‘specially “Gaston”! Wait, what? You want the renaissance to win? Oh, I just can’t wait for ranking You’ve a rather long list to rank, you rascal, there’s no chanceNo one digging “Heigh Ho” You can’t be lazyNo one jamming “Work Song” But that’s crazyNo one’s heard “You Can Fly” Look, what you do requireWe just lovin’ “Hellfire”! That’s haywire! We will cut oldies post-haste Well that’s definitely nuts Boldly roast them straight to waste I think it’s due that me and you Go through your tunnel view Rankers don’t need shrews To try and tell them what to do If this is how the rankdown will be headed Count me out! I’ll quit reddit, I’ll quit internet I won’t browse with you louts This game is turning gravely troubling Oh, I just can’t wait for ranking Everybody rank well Don’t be counting Marvel Already I can tell The winner will be “Belle!” Aw, hell Let every dreamer respond to our ping Let’s bring in all the fans and hear them sing It’s gonna be a fascinating thing Oh, I just can’t wait for ranking Oh, I just can’t wait for ranking Oh, I just can’t wait for ranking

“The Ten Werewolf Commandments” (based on “The Ten Duel Commandments” from Hamilton) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine The ten Werewolf Commandments The ten Werewolf Commandments Number one The joining, you sign up for the game If you miss the deadline, you’ve got no one else to blame Number two Get your role in the know, that’s your game face Your secret place in the race each phase to embrace Number three Subscribe and make introductions Get to know the others Time for deduction and obstruction This is induction, for kicking off the chat Get to know them, and the format Number four If you don’t have a clue, that’s alright You learn by doing when you listen and you write You start by making notes, for suspicious activity Remember, be yourself and don’t elapse into passivity Five Find the hostiles that have been assigned Or like-minded kinds you can get behind Number six Leave information for your team Tell ‘em what you’ve seen But be careful or you’ll show your scheme Seven Argue your case Ready to get into the discussion, don’t be afraid of repercussion Number eight Don’t be late, the timer awaits 57

QUIBBLER INSERT Click the form and wait for it to generate your fate NDora Tonks Mr J, hey Can we agree that there shan’t be moral misplay? ‘kay But your man will be taken out to lunch, J Just for this? For voicing out a hunch, pray? Hang on, how many times did Miss jilliefish try to dis to be dismiss’d? Okay, so we’re doing this Number nine Prep to say goodbye, write the name down Heal or lunch or spy, do it for the town Recount One two three four Five six seven eight nine Number Ten lessons Send!

“Harry On My Wayward Son” (based on “Carry On My Wayward Son”) Harry on my wayward son World’s at peace when we are done Time to put your skills to test Don’t you angst no more Ah Once I found my place in a magical school Broke some rules and fought the tools and the old fools I was rocking every House cup, but that time has passed Though I’ve had to deal with sadness and losses Though I’ve faced some trials just like Ulysses I heed the wisdom of my mentor I can hear him say Harry on my wayward son If you waver, he has won Put your stormy mind at rest Don’t you dream no more Concentrating on the subjects and secrets Contemplating how to not carry regrets And if they claim that I am chosen Why, then I guess it must be so In a bustling school of feelings and rumors Shady dealings used to cause me some tumors I go my way, I’m Harry Potter And I hear the students say Harry on my wayward son Surely you’re the chosen one There’s no trial you can’t best Don’t you pout no more Harry on We will always remember Harry on How you never surrender’d Now you’re fighting for the whole world We know greatness waits for you Harry on my wayward son Finally there’ll be just one It’s the time to end your quest Don’t fear death, Don’t fear death no more! No more!

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Movie Review:

Avengers Infinity War by ElphabaPfenix (WARNING: Spoilers)

Avengers: Infinity war, the much awaited movie for the latest Marvel film has arrived! Dread it. Run from it. The movie arrives all the same. As the muggles start clamouring for tickets, it was a simple confundus spell to get myself in to the theatre to see what all the fuss was about. This is the movie that all Marvel movies were culminating to. I expect great things from it. First off, spoiler warnings to any reader who still hasn’t seen it. If you STILL haven’t seen this movie by now, this article WILL contain spoilers. Carry on. First off, the cinematography is excellent. The use of vibrant colours, reminiscent of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 1 and 2, diverts from the first few movies

of the Marvel franchise and is a breath of fresh air. It really helps to connect the viewers that the origins of these movies are from the equally colourful and vibrant comics, rather than an ultra realistic world that is dull and dark to watch (*cough* BvS *cough*). Sure, the movie has its dark moments, but you never find yourself squinting to see what’s happening on screen. Frankly, I’m blown away by what the muggles are able to do without magic! But still, it is hard for the magical community to be impressed by moving pictures when our paintings and newspaper has them and we see them on a daily basis, while the muggles are still seeing still pictures in print for their news articles. (Though I have heard they are making progress with their ‘inter net’ and moving pictures called ‘jif’). 59

QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT The musical score of is beautiful but non-memorable (which I feel is intentional). Walking out of the theatre right after the movie, I couldn’t remember any of the scores of the movie. In fact, I couldn’t remember any of the music off the top of my head for any of the previous Marvel music. I feel that the music for the movies are chosen to not elicit any strong, memorable emotions but only to fit the scene at that particular time. There isn’t a main theme song for any of the movies, including Avengers: Infinity War. Don’t expect any top 40s chart busting songs from the film, but the music will help you immerse in to the scenes. The music serves as the perfect assistant to the film, unnoticed, just like an house elf.

pacing juggled plot advancement and connections without rushing through it half heartedly; perfectly balance, as all things should be. The battle scenes was beautifully done, keeping us viewers engaged. While certain scenes do commit the frustrating blur of actions or jump cuts galore, it isn’t as bad as some other major franchise (*cough*Transformers*cough*). The different plots (three different hero's journeys) melded together almost perfectly though the Thor entrance in to the main battle on Wakanda was a tad of a Deux Ex Machina (literally). This movie felt different. At the end, that was the biggest take away. It felt like Thanos won at the end

The basis of the story finds a group of Super Heroes called the Avengers and other similarly powered individuals (though I highly suspect some are just witches in fancy costumes, like Scarlet Witch totally isn’t a witch with a well hidden wand. Her name has Witch for cryin’ out loud!) facing against the antagonist of the film, Thanks, the Mad Titan, as he goes on a quest to gather the Infinity Stones and wipe out half the universe’s population with a snap of the finger.

of the movie. It wasn’t the Snappening that happens in the end, it wasn’t even seeing *spoiler spoilers spoilers* Black Panther’s disintegration in to dust that hit me the hardest. (Although Tom Holland’s Spider-Man’s dusting and his “I don’t feel so good, Mr. Stark. I don’t want to go.” was a knife to the heart. More importantly, you get the feeling that maybe, Thanos did nothing wrong. He can almost be seen as the protagonist, if you can see things from his perspective. And that blew my mind.

The pacing of the plot might feel a little rushed, but how they managed to squeeze all those plot within the modest 128 min run time is a magical feat all on its own. I had to double check if a time turner was used (no, only a time stone). Each scene transitioned smoothly and served the purpose of moving the plot forward with very little things feeling forced. The

Strictly speaking, this is a part one of a two part movie and I cannot wait for the next installment of Avengers (due 2019).

Ratings: 9/10 Must Watch

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She of the Glade from My Motherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Tales by Jet Odpath 61

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Beyond the castles tall and grim and hearths of feeble light, when sky was vibrant blue undimmed, she danced in wood glade bright. Her robes maroon and misty grey, her hair a rich dark brown, and on her hand a ring inlaid with opal, silver bound. Her bare feet danced with vibrant leaves, she twirled her wand of pear, bright sparks like birds flew 'round her sleeves or rested in her hair. 'Tis said some stumbled on her glade, souls wracked with grief and strain. Her kindness beckoned them to stay, find solace from their pain. Now mossy ruins dot the fields, now sky is weary haze. No living soul finds her who heals, in hidden forest glade. But if you wander from your way in misty pre-dawn light, they say you'll see maroon and grey slip through the dying night.

Reese Wicks would like to thank Mr. Odpath for letting The Quibbler publish this poem from his newest book, My Motherâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Tales.

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An Interview with

Jet Odpath by Reese Wicks

Jet Odpath, a good friend of mine, is about to release My Mother's Tales. He has agreed to share a quick interview with The Quibbler.

R: Tell me about your inspiration for this book.

J: My mother. She would tell my sister and I bedtime stories, often in the form of short poems. On special occasions, she would create "Some seem to be family history smoke projections told with some dramatic flair, and with her wand Reese: Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m so others seem to be more myth than to reenact the excited for the reality. Mum insists, however, story. Those release! Publishing that all the stories are at least are some of my a book is no small somewhat true." fondest childhood feat. memories. Jet: Thank you! This is a dream come Unfortunately, she has been slowing true. A year-and-a-half ago, I would down. She stays home most days, and never have thought that this pet project Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve caught her filling the kitchen sink would turn into this. with orange juice and using her cauldron to cook dinner. Even the best Memory64

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Enhancing Potions haven't worked all the time. That made me realise that she won’t be around forever. And so I decided to write down those old stories. R: How did you record all the stories? J: It had been a while since I heard her stories, and I’d forgotten quite a few. Mum loved the idea and was very eager to help. It took the better part of six afternoons (with numerous tangents and snack breaks, of course) to write them all down. I checked with my sister (who has a sharper memory for these kinds of things than I have) on the parts Mum wasn’t sure about. Mum also had little bits of commentary for most stories – remarks about which ones made us fall asleep, and which ones we reenacted on holidays with broomsticks and blankets and her best silverware. When I told her a few months later that I wanted to publish the stories, she was a little hesitant. Then, when I alluded to perhaps using her commentary in the book, she gave me a wicked grin and an enthusiastic yes – much to my embarrassment. [laughs] R: [laughs] Your mother sounds extraordinary. Are these stories of her own creation? J: She says that most of those stories she learned from her mother, who had learned them from her mother, and so on further back. Some seem to be family history told with some dramatic flair, and others seem to be more myth than reality. Mum insists, however, that all the stories are at least somewhat true. [smiles] I am inclined to believe her.

R: As a record-keeper, I'm inclined to believe her too. If I may switch topics, please tell me about the illustrations. J: All the illustrations are Mum's own drawings. She drew most of them when my sister and I were young. I think they're quite wonderful and fit the book extremely well. There were a few stories we couldn't find sketches for, or the sketches we found had deteriorated beyond printing quality. It took her little convincing to draw new ones. R: Thank you so much for your time! As we wrap up, do you have any final words for our readers? J: Thank you! And sure, I can say something. These stories are part of my family, a treasure trove that I dismissed until almost too late. It is my sincere hope that my mum's stories will inspire others to inquire about and discover their own family history and preserve its memory for those yet to come.

My Mother's Tales will release on October 24th at Flourish and Blotts’ Novice Authors Fair. An excerpt from My Mother’s Tales can be found on the previous page.

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Welcome to K9's September Party Korner! Every Quibbler Edition I'll be providing you wonderful readers with some fun Harry Potter themed activities to bring the extra level of Magic to your Harry Potter Parties! This editionâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s party korner is about having a popping good time at your future Harry Potter event! What better way to celebrate the increase in America-Based Harry Potter lore than using new world gold: Maize! From Kernels to Cobs, Corn is a uniquely useful vegetable.

Ilvermorny Popcorn Popped Popcorn can be purchased or cooked into a variety of flavors and colored. And could be just the unique flair you need for your Ilvermorny sorting ceremony! Because Ilvermorny houses don't have specific House Colors, you can get creative with connecting popcorn flavors to each one. Ilvermorny students are sorted while they stand on a depiction of a gordian knot, so placing flavors of popcorn in bags that you tie the tops off with a fancy knot would be a fun way to incorporate that element of Potter Lore. Once guests have opened their bags of popcorn, you can direct them to the Popcorn Bar so they can charm it as they wish. Some ideas include chocolate chips, reese's pieces, gummy bears, and skittles. You can also include more savory options such as pretzels and peanuts. A collection of seasoning being available, including powdered sugar or cheeses, can also add that magical touch. You can even make an activity out of crafting together their own personal popcorn 'box'. Using white paper lunch sacks, decorate them however you wish. Red strips are traditional, but feel free to get creative. Then you'll want to fold the opening out and over twice, to make the bag more stable.

Cobbing for Creatures Save your corn cobs after your cookouts, as they make a great base for a unique bird feeder. You'll need a few plates or trays and some bird seed, as well as a few knives or spoons. The easiest way to apply the peanut butter to the corn cob is to first slater a good bit of peanut butter on a paper plate or tray and then roll the cob through

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it, trying to get as even of an application as possible. Once the cob has enough peanut butter covering it, pour bird seed over it. Make sure you rotate the cob to ensure seeds stick to the peanut butter on all sides. You'll also need to attach a way to hang your new feeder. You can either attach it at the start or at the end of the project, depending on the style you pick. Some may be more in the way than others. Some common ways include sticking a bent wire into the end, screwing in a bolt, or just tying the string directly to the corn cob. Hang your new feeder in a location you can observe it from inside your home and enjoy all the birds and creatures that come to feast. Encourage your guests to take their own Newt style field notes about all the new guests they see.

Hidden Kernel of Truth For this activity, you'll need a Harry Potter related prize, a jar the prize can fit in, and enough popcorn kernels to fill the jar. Place the prize within the jar and then fill it the rest of the way with popcorn kernels. Make sure you keep track of how many kernels you use. As guests arrive to your event, let them write down their guess for how many kernels were used. Make sure the guess list is available for all to see, as each number can only be guessed once. After all guesses are in, you can open up the jar and give the item inside it to guest that got the closest guess. The fun doesn't have to stop there. You can use the list of guesses to split the group of guests up. Such as splitting the party into those that guessed higher or lower, or pairing people with those that guessed across the list from them (so the highest and lowest guesses are paired, etc, down to the two that got the closest guesses being paired together). You can use these splits to engage in icebreaker games or games of Truth and Dare, depending on the preference of your group.

GRAD SCHOOL MUSICAL: A Werewolf Boogaloo a Rysler Production STARRING: • bodompidompi: an inquisitive student • Coolscorpion_83: a sharp freshman • DrTipsyPhoenix (The Narrator): the idealistic chair of department • elbowsss: an outgoing and occasionally chaotic senior student • Enovara: a diligent student • HibbertsHugeFish: a dutiful student • HyperAccelerated: a self-assured student • Idk_very_much: a misunderstood student • jilliefish: a sweet senior student • kemistreekat: an accomplished student with a feud • KilroyAF: an observant student • knaak523: a quiet freshman • Gingy120: a mysterious student • Larixon: 68

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

a loud and controversial senior student Mathy16: a notoriously Belgian exchange student Mrrrrh: a celebrated debater who is always right notCRAZYenough: an easily excitable freshman oomps62: an unlucky senior student Penultima: a decisive student phdiabetic: a promising freshman RavenoftheSands: a laid-back senior student ryacoff: an enthusiastic freshman Savant-Bard: an annoying art student stonedGlassQuill: a cheerful and eager freshman TalkNerdyToMe20: a rambling type of senior student with a feud TeacherTish: a patient student dreaming of professorhood theduqoffrat: a controversial jack of many trades TheFork101: a new and doubtful student Thomaez: an active but busy student thursdayxox: a well-mannered new student 68

Musical numbers: Act I: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14.

Intro (Knights of the Mind) Have You Ever Ice Cream Parlor Orientation Day Intricate Sindicate Department Bombardment Suspicion Game Teachers’ Lunge Kem vs. Nerdy (part XXVII) Third Week Madness Doubt Interlude Crazy Enough Dr. Oid (University Employed) Idk’s Trial

Act II: 15. Revelations 16. Two Sides 17. Confirmation and Confusion 18. Rules of the School 19. The Letter 20. Veteran Hunt 21. Let Go 22. Comrade 23. The New Wipeout Plan 24. Dead Week 25. Drawing Lots 26. Still D. R. O. 27. Lab Talk 28. Bad Things 29. Wake Up 30. The Proposal 31. Now You’ve Seen This

Premise: The Hogwarts Werewolves, June Game, 2018. Theme: Thesis Defense A grad school. Two sides. No resources. No energy. All the deadlines. The school is divided into two. Two groups are wrestling for the control of the Werewolf University: the official Department and the shadowy Sindicate. Both the Sindicate members and Department professors have infiltrated the student body and are looking to oust their rivals. The Sindicate members are outnumbered, but they know each other, while the students and the Department professors have no idea who’s friend or foe. The students just want to graduate. Everyone’s graduation is at stake, and they can’t know who to trust… and to what extent. Welcome to Werewolves. Come for the debates, stay for the mob rage!

Act I: 1: Intro (Knights of the Mind) A lone figure walks to the middle of the stage and stops in the spotlight. The figure is dressed unremarkably. The stage is decorated as the outside face of a grad school. The figure sings the number to a mysterious-sounding tune.

Narrator:

Welcome, friends, to a tale of knowledge To a seemingly mundane scene of a college Where deep within, a cold war is brewing Meta: Where pursuing wisdom might be your This musical is based on a “Hogwarts undoing Werewolves” game, a monthly text-based Why here? Why now? What’s there to sing game of Mafia/Ultimate Werewolf. The 45 about? players were assigned a team and a role and Hear me out, no doubt, it’s the greatest of all tasked with defeating the opposing team. They did this by using their daily “actions” as bouts well as partaking in the daily vote to eliminate For in this Department, in the heart of a one player. They don’t know the other players’ campus roles. This musical is a dramatized retelling of Lies a shadowy group, waiting to ambush Their plan to control and quell competition the events of the game. And turn tuition into game of ambition The students are rallying, willing fight back 70

But in the finale, will they have their rights back? The knights of the mind, coming together While a blight of the different kind is growing stronger There’s valor in words, power in prose Sharper than swords, prickly as a rose Bitter mysteries Fickle rivalries The curtain is rising, the pieces are set Will they reach their thesis, or be shackled in debt? We’ll find out yet…

2: Have You Ever The figure puts on a white lab coat and a pair of glasses, “transforming” from narrator to DrTipsyPhoenix. The Doctor walks through the stage, signing papers and stamping forms that assistants hand to her. The number is faster and more poppy.

DrTipsyPhoenix: Have you ever Did you ever We must brother With each other Have you ever had a prof who taught you poorly? Have you ever had a test you would fail surely? Have you ever been unjustly graded? Have your teammates left you feeling jaded? Has someone ever stolen your credit? Taken your ideas before you said it? Have you tired yourself in an endless race? Do you wonder why’d you start in the first place? Well, you don’t have to wonder anymore! Dr. Tipsy’s here to settle the score As the newly appointed chair of department I’ve seen my fair share of bombardment I am prepared to remake the academia To find the truth and let it redeem ya. Have you ever Did you ever Scholar brothers Let us gather The department has proven to be divided Misguided, which is why I’ve decided To get to the bottom of this issue And start all over: so everything is new A cunning group is sneaking about

Trying to turn the students into devouts But now’s the high time for a retaliation For the restoration of our reputation But for that, we must work together So we can leave the school for the better And we won’t stop until the evidence indicates That we’ve finally rid ourselves of the Sindicate. Have you ever Did you ever Won’t you rather Have it better?

3: Ice Cream Parlor DrTipsyPhoenix walks backstage, the set turns into the interior of the school. DrTipsyPhoenix walks back on stage, pushing an ice cream trolley. She sings the song, handing ice cream to students as they join in. The sound is reminiscent of an ice cream truck tune.

DrTipsyPhoenix: Come on in, come on all Before you scream and fall Sell your dreams, run up a wall Check out our new ice cream stall! Staff, faculty and students, too Everyone’s invited for some morning dew Before we start working on the thesis How’bout socializing, many-to-many basis?

notCRAZYenough: Hi! I’m notCRAZYenough It’s my third year, the first two were tough (And both I barely managed through) So, I am still fairly new!

Thomaez: I’m the same, it’s my third time around The first two I ran myself to the ground This year sounds fun, I have experience with the theme And seems less complex, which is good for me

phdiabetic: Oh good, there’s food! It was worth showing up! Just fro-yo though, don’t want cholesterol going up Is there nutritional info on ice cream options? Really you guys, it wouldn’t hurt to be cautious… 71

Gingy120:

bodompidompi:

So what are your favourite flavors?

Ah, so just like in real life! Studying non-stop is a continuous strife

jilliefish: Chocolate chips and cookie dough are what I savor!

stonedGlassQuill:

notCRAZYenough: I love how people find school more terrifying Than ghouls, wolves and vampires combined!

I love chocolate, but never with mint!

Savant-Bard:

oomps62:

Indeed, we’ve all come to realize Nothing scarier than things found in real life

Um, no vegan? C’mon, take a hint

Savant-Bard: Hello my fellows, this is my alt

Thomaez: Take everything I say with a grain of salt

Larixon: Ooh, I’m glad someone shares my play style Hearing that sure makes me smile This year should be a lot fun!

HyperAccelerated: Man, this school is pretty obscure I can’t get a hang of it procedure Like, what even is the thesis defense? I don’t think this makes much sense

Larixon: Where’s everyone, working? Ha! That’d be a riot

TeacherTish: It is quiet… Too quiet….

DrTipsyPhoenix: Remember, kids, to enjoy the sun! Ice cream is only served until the day is done

5: Intricate Sindicate

4: Orientation day

Everyone walks off stage. The lighting revs up. A group of masked students walk on stage and perform the number. The tune is a suspiciously inspiring-sounding ballad.

DrTipsyPhoenix pushes the trolley away while assistants roll out a big desk. DrTipsyPhoenix sits behind it and starts going through extremely important-looking papers. A bunch of students walk on stage and sit on their desks. After a while, DrTipsyPhoenix starts the song, to which the others join.

DrTipsyPhoenix: Now then! Welcome to Werewolves University, Where you'll be working in Department HWW-B. It's a tuition-free degree with stipend paid (And the length of the program is never said.) You work and you work week after week, Rarely finding the results that you seek. You have already completed your Quiz One But there will be plenty more before you're done. Ultimately it counts not if your grades are high What matters is that you defend your thesis or die. 72

The Sindicates: Friends, we carry an arduous burden An ungrateful load, that much is certain Our work here is of paramount importance We can’t allow rogue performance to be a disturbance Which is why we formed this intricate syndicate To aggregate adequate applicants who advocate Our sacred values, our proven truths That we offer to soothe the youth They may call us manipulative or vicious Ignorant words for cunning and ambitious But when our goals are nothing but pure and auspicious Quite suspicious how anyone could see it as malicious Oh, Sindicate We swear to demonstrate

Our passion for the rational Our will to innovate Friends, I suggest we look to this matter And do our best to quell gullible chatter Alas, we must remain hidden For some consider our methods, ah, forbidden But we mustn’t give up, there’s too much at stake! Education will deteriorate if we make a mistake We will guide this ship through the shallows With an unbroken will, within the shadows Oh, Sindicate We will not segregate We will recruit all in pursuit Of truths that fascinate We can’t allow this school to lose themselves in thought Sometimes the hard battles need be fought We’ll guide their way and help them see What we offer is just what they need All shall prosper within our ranks And when we’re done, we’ll get our thanks The only way to find consistent substance Is to make sure we move by persistent guidance The school - nay, the world! - musn’t be divided By our accord we will stay united Under one will, unanimous and determined And we will rid of all opposing vermin.

6: Department Bombardment The Sindicate members walk off stage as lights dim down. Soon, another group appears, also masked. A faster music kicks off and the group performs the number.

The Department: We’re the ones who won’t be befool’d This school is not some unsable tool We’re here to defend this college And make sure our prose be polished Students, we’ve all heard the rumors An organization is growing, like a tumor There’s a group among us, leading through force Disrupting our peers, limiting our resources This Sindicate indicates to seek common benefit But in reality they instigate, angrily throw a fit

Their goal is nothing but serving their own needs False promises and lies are their sown seeds They claim we thinkers should all be united But I tell you now: that view is nearsighted Greatness can’t be born of silent compliance Determination begets innovation, basic science These antics have brought about an alliance Their pedantic semantics reap only defiance They claim to guide us through pure passion But freedom and brilliance are what they ration If our wings are clipped by suppressing creativity This encourages nothing but drastic passivity Knowledge is born from trial and error By testing our boundaries like ancient seafarers How can we hope to ever be clever If we put a limiter on human endeavor? Today we say, no way we’ll parlay We won’t be swayed by displays of horseplay Stand with me, we will keep our school free And hope to hell we never see Sindicate’s residency The Sindicate’s methods are extreme and uncouth If we follow their rules, our future will go south This theme is thesis, our team is cool What I mean is, we’re ceaseless, the school’s jewel Ingenious with treatises, reason’s our fuel We’re about to take you all back to school

7: Suspicion Game The Department members walks off stage. Lights brighten on as the entire cast walks on stage. They walk around, eyeing each other suspiciously, until one official-looking student walks up and begins.

elbowsss: Excellent! Here’s the first order of business We start by evaluating suspiciousness The Sindicate will want to appear useful Without making any remarks fruitful Lucky for you, I’ve compiled a list That’s surely found the foe in our midst The enemy that’s trying to jump thru hoops Is none other than that rascal Oomps!

Penultima: Ah, flawless logic as usual Surely this suspicion isn’t delusional

phdiabetic: Hmm, accusing people already? 73

An attitude like that is admittedly scary

oomps62:

Idk_very_much:

Hey Breezy! Remember those tear-stained cushions?

Don’t mind her, she’s always like that Every year she’s the first one to attack

Larixon:

Inside jokes? This confirms my suspicions! Nobody jokes in grad school!

After a whole 2 seconds of deliberation I’ve chosen Mathy16 for extermination

oomps62:

Mathy16: Ah sorry, I forgot the semester started!

Larixon: Guilty conscience? That defense seemed heavy-hearted

theduqoffrat: Anyone stand out who hasn’t spoken yet?

Idk_very_much: Most are newbies, so how’bout a vet?

I’ve graduated, I’m allowed to fool!

Larixon: A-ha, you admitted! Your thesis is already submitted! Since you’re not one of us We must send you to the Profs!

oomps62: Excuse me, you seem to have too much time Sounds like you’re the one behind this crime! Your slacking off is noteworthy…

Thomaez: ...I honestly have no idea who to vote for.

Larixon: Yes, let the newbies get their feet wet After a week or two, off go the bets!

8: Teachers’ Lunge

How about HibbertsHugeFish? So far they’ve been rather quietish

elbowsss and TeacherTish walk to the right side of the stage, while the other flock to the left side. The duo converses quietly, until walking up to the students and starting their number.

HibbertsHugeFish:

elbowsss:

Idk_Very_Much:

Whoa, I’ve only studied a couple of months I’m not the one you should confront The semester just started, there are no leads Gimme a few weeks to get back up to speed

theduqoffrat: I’ve a list of people who haven’t shown up Who don’t even have a defense thrown up So in order not to lynch for inactivity I suggest we lynch TalkNerdyToMe!

elbowsss: Oh, I know this conversation! Here, have a quick compilation People be like “Ay, let’s lunch Nerdy” And she’ll go “Whoa, cos I’m not wordy? Y'all know I’ll write a wall of text As soon as I get the context”

Now then, students, time to get started This program isn’t for the fainthearted I’ll grade your effort, but I’ll be thorough And sure hope you’ll be here tomorrow Hmm, good concept, but it needs a lot more Out of hundred, you would get a sixty-four Oof, this one has subjectivity It’s only worth… thirty-three What this, baseball? You lack focus! Work on your thesis and not this bogus Eleven points is what you’re getting! Better work hard until the sun is setting

TeacherTish: Hmm, while I appreciate your enthusiasm It still has a deep chasm You clearly care about the topic But the premise is rather hyperbolic What you need to do is think this through And gather support by peer review You need more substance for this to pass

Please come see me after class

Larixon: The one grade I would trust Is the one from Tish, the other’s unjust Tish even has “teacher” in her name That’s gotta mean she knows her game!

elbowsss: Pardon, it seems I must skip My duties from now on, for I am sick I will try to do my best But I think I will need a lot of rest

9: Kem vs. Nerdy (part XXVII) elbowsss walks off stage. Others remain, but start mingling. Then kemistreekat and TalkNerdyToMe20 emerge from the crowd and stand off in the centre of the stage. They sing a romantic (if not passive-aggressive) ballad.

TalkNerdyToMe20: elbowsss’ on a roll again Throwing around some random blame Even without evidence She gets to her nemesis It’s as funny as Kemistree Killing me at every opportunity

kemistreekat: Oh, hey You know what they say If one dies, suspect the other We’re never in a team together You know the name of the game: If I die, Nerdy’s to blame But if Nerdy’s the one to disappear I wasn’t anywhere near, I swear!

TalkNerdyToMe20: It’d be strange if our thing Wasn’t brought up at the beginning!

kemistreekat: We lost Avatar together – it was fate! Something for you to contemplate But stop copying all my picks Lest I’ll duel you like my girl Bellatrix

TalkNerdyToMe20: Ha! But I picked this school first It’s not my fault you’re the worst I do enjoy playing with you Unless your bulling big Gaius moves

I’ll duel you anywhere, streets or school Just name a time, a place and the rules

kemistreekat & TalkNerdyToMe20: One must die at the hand of the other But we know which one: don’t even bother Neither can live while the other survives But I can already see your demise You wanna go? I’m down whenever I can keep doing this forever

10: Third Week Madness Larixon walks to the centre, looking confused. She holds a mic. She tries talking to it, to no effect. Now looking peeved, she taps the mic a couple of times before launching to a fast-paced song.

Larixon: Alright, hi, I still exist I swear, last week was a trial of subsist Seriously, did no one go through checklist And notice I’m silenced? That’s some bull****! Anyway, um, I used an ability That let me see a lost student’s identity Hear me out, for this is urgent: Diggenwalde was only a student! This means Jillie was NOT just a goon So we oughta look at people jumping over the moon Who tried to convince us that Digg was Dr. Ifter Like Savant-Bard, who told to anybody who would listen

Savant-Bard: Whoa, is my crime here being wrong? Well in that case I never could last long! I assure you, all I did was pursue To the best of my knowledge, an elusive clue What I tried was to voice a theory That backed up by a query I thought it was the most likely explanation For three students’ sudden re-designation But what would the Sindicate even accomplish By trying to downplay their accomplice? It would risk their members, and what for? To convince us that Jillie was a grunt and nothing more? Since I'm admittedly bad at this game My main goal is not to throw blame Instead I like to make hypotheses (That admittedly are sometimes torn to pieces) 75

Larixon:

Knaak523

Hmm.. Could be Jill was an accidental kill In that case, we should chill I’m less suspicious of you now

I agree, we must go our way So I think it should be Savant-Bard today

HyperAccelerated:

theduqoffrat:

But three still disappeared somehow!

Larixon seems to be flip-flopping First accusing, then just dropping?

Idk_very_much:

Larixon:

I’m guessing they got hit by a door slam

Hey, I didn’t say I’d vote for him And I didn’t change my mind on a whim I reached a conclusion after a discussion Which is vital in a game of deduction!

HyperAccelerated: But that’s just two, what about Digg, fam?

I can’t help thinking we missed a Crucial clue, something ‘bout the recruit The reports we’re getting are up to dispute

Savant-Bard: (Oh shit oh shit this can’t be real Will I get pummeled before I get to deal?) Uhh, I think we should buy some time There’re too many suspects to find a crime As we need a consensus real soon I would suggest lunching SharkToons

theduqoffrat:

Enovara:

Okay sure, but there’s an issue We need a consensus so we can continue I’m kinda suspicious of Larixon And equally of KillroyAF in comparison

Yeah, okay, I can agree It’s also good enough for me!

KilroyAF:

Well, I have none else to vote for And it’s better than voting myself like before

Idk_very_much: Idk, probably free pizza?

kemistreekat:

I wasn’t trying to split the vote And I haven’t used anyone as a scapegoat I just wanted to voice my concerns Instead of waiting whole week for my turn As for the voting we’re holding tonight I have Ultrahedgehog in my sights

Enovara: If no one has any issues, I’d like a stab And suggest we send SharkToons to the lab

elbowsss: I may be sick, but I see who’s suspish We gotta vote for TeacherTish! Something about her is askew Ah… ah.. ah... achoo!

phdiabetic: Whatever we do, we must coordinate Or the Sindicate will be the one who dictates!

bodompidompi: I’d like to stick with Savant-Bard Otherwise obtaining consensus might be hard 76

Idk_very_much: HibbertsHugeFish:

Savant-Bard: (Oh my god, they actually bought that? Dang, maybe I should become a diplomat!)

11: Doubt Interlude The stage clears. Lights dim. DrTipsyPhoenix walks to the edge of the stage to her desk, with a spotlight on her. The voices of others are heard through echoing whispers. DrTipsyPhoenix’ parts are mostly spoken word.

The students: I’m tired of carrying the town… What are you even talking about… That is really reaching… Why are you teaching…

DrTipsyPhoenix: The debate that raged remained fierce As people suspected and doubted their peers They all could feel the Sindicate’s presence

But their weapon was to keep all guessing Who to trust? Who’s a foe? Whose voice was safe to follow?

Echoes of students: I find this scummy… How is he safer than me… You’re way reading to this.. I don’t know what your plan is…

DrTipsyPhoenix: The school was ruled by doubt Wrapped in a shadowy cloud Where within a restless crowd A storm waited to break out

12: Crazy Enough The music picks up and lights go back on. DrTipsyPhoenix gets up as students loiter back in. She starts another upbeat ensemble piece.

DrTipsyPhoenix: Attention, students! Now’s the time to be prudent Last night, three were sent to labs To work their minds off, watch the time elapse Ultrahedgehog, phdiabetic and SharkToons Shan’t be seen after this afternoon But there may be a cause to celebrate As Ultra was one of the Sindicate

notCRAZYenough: Oh no, we lost so many people Those Sindicates sure are evil

bodompidompi We lost two, but you should remember We also got a Sindicate member I’d say that is pretty okay By the way, have you been away?

notCRAZYenough: Last week I was stuck with old Dr. Owsy Which has left me feeling lousy He kept boring me with his stories Of his past success and glories Anyway, I’m off to sleep Tomorrow we’ll do a full sweep!

Larixon: Hmm, this lament sounds shady A conventional vent to bluff, maybe?

On top of that, having been silenced I think there’s something they may be hiding

notCRAZYenough: Well, we lost good people too

kemistreekat: Huh? I thought you bid adieu

notCRAZYenough: If you must know, I sat on the loo

Idk_very_much: I could have sworn I heard something from you…

theduqoffrat: Guys, I tailed NCE’s movements And there were no talky moments! Meaning IDK must be bluffing And these alibis are full of stuffing This all smells of horseplay We have to send them both away

notCRAZYenough: I’m in no evil team! It’s not my fault if someone deems Of having seen me, when they could not This vendetta of yours is for naught I suggest we lunch idk_very_much Who’s obviously out of touch First he scum slipped my name And now tries to shift the blame He backtracked on his words And his apologies are just absurd

13: Dr. Oid (University Employed) As notCRAZYenough debates with a bunch of students, Enovara walks to the centre of the stage. She visibly ponders for a while, before clearing her throat. Others quiet down, Enovara starts singing.

Enovara: My dear peers, I must say I have found some evidence today Oomps and Nerdy aren’t evil I’ve reason to believe them to be peaceful I won’t reveal all I know But the evidence shows they’re one of our own Here’s a summary of my stance: The votings haven’t been by chance 77

Savant-Bard:

KilroyAF:

Sorry, allow me to be frank I think your plan is going to tank You're trying to share info without revealing But it's pretty obvious that you're concealing A doctor’s coat, you’re on of the staff! You shouldn’t do things half-and-half If you're not lying, you should be scared 'Cos the Sindicate might come for your head

And here I thought they would be clear… Ugh, I was way off, I fear

Enovara: Yes, I see that too late I guess there’s no sense to wait I am in fact Dr. Oid! (By this university employed) I feel I must now show my cards Because I may have pushed too hard I’ve seen the results of the votes And read some of your confidential quotes For example, oomps voted for Hedge Which may prove they’re straightedge I hope the others will protect me If not, my info is here to see

14: Idk’s Trial Students retreat to the edges of the stage. A spotlight reveals DrTipsyPhoenix back at her desk. She begins with a serious and slow tone, which picks up the pace as others take over.

DrTipsyPhoenix: Dear students, this is an announcement Our voting has sent two more bouncing You’ll want to know that notrazyenough’s Defense was nothing but bluff She was with the Sindicate affiliated But rest assured, she is now segregated

theduqoffrat: Well Idk, the tribe has spoken The trust between us has been broken So I say: Lunch IDK! (I.D.K.)

Gingy120: I’ve submitted my vote! Their exchanges have been worthy of note

HyperAccelerated: I’ve no problems with this, either It seems we’ve earned ourselves a breather

Idk_very_much: Don’t vote me, I will reveal! At the very least, read my appeal For I’m working for this school Trying to uphold its sacred rules My true form is Dr. Unken And my ship has not yet sunken I still have my actions left Which is a swapping identity theft If you let me live, I can prove me right Please give me one more night!

theduqoffrat: Last night was the night to do this Your claim is late and easy to dismiss

Larixon: I agree, the time for proving Was yesterday, but you weren’t moving It doesn’t take to be a Sherlock To know you’d be the next on the block

Idk_very_much: But I was hoping Crazy would be town Banishing me will mean our strength will go down!

Larixon: That’s the silliest reason I’ve ever heard Why on earth would you not be prepared? The noose was tightening fast around you You knew we’d come back to hound you!

Savant-Bard: Why not hide Enovara, aka Dr. Oid? He might very well be sent to the void In one move you could have had both: Saved Dr. Oid and proved your worth Right now, Enovara would vouch for you And new Oid's work could safely continue So why would you choose not to act? Chances don't come much better than that.

Idk_very_much: I’m kind of burned out now I could prove me, but I’m not allow’d I honestly expected NCE to be town But I shan’t go down with a frown Before I’m apprehended by the gang

I will go down with a bang Stage goes dark, Idk_very_much walks to the centre where a spotlight awaits him. He sings in almost a frantic style. I imagine lunch so much it feels more like a memory Is this how it gets me, walking up, positively taunting me? I can see it coming, but my accusers won’t let me be There is no cure, not a remedy Lar, accuser, my enemy Are you the last name I ever see? If I write myself a song, is this how you’ll remember me? What if this thesis is my legacy? Legacy. What is a legacy? It’s paving way for a write-up you never get to see I claimed some names every phase down at the forms that someone will share with me Oh Grad School you great unfinished symphony, you sent for me You let me make a difference A place where even third-rate beginners Could hope to be winners and game on I’m running out of time, I’m the one they aim for Shame on, blame on I can imagine the other side Ryan throws a birthday buffets on the other side DarkBlonde is on the other side He’s with phdiabetic on the other side Diggenwalde is waltzing on the other side Disorganizing everyone’s life Can’t be, it’s me, I see Kemistree My pal, take your time I’ll see you on the other side Raise a glass to our town...

Company: Instead of venting he sang-

Savant-Bard: Wait-! Idk_very_much is escorted off the stage, with his head down. Savant-Bard steps into his place in the spotlight. He watches Idk_very_much disappear, then begins a mournful tune.

We banished him in the morning Ignoring his warnings They sent him working in the labs We never saw him come back Vote doesn’t discriminate Between the cleared and the taint It just takes, and it aches, every day But we must do it anyway There’s too much at stake, for town’s sake we take the heartbreak When IDK chose to let go We thought it was just a show But he was what he claimed to be And we were too aflame to see Now we’re down a staff member And we must all remember No one can tell If we mean well The fault is everyone’s and none’s The fault is everyone’s but none’s

End of act I Act II: 15: Revelations All lights go out. Savant-Bard backs off the edge of the stage. There’s a minute of silence for Idk_very_much, after which bodompidompi steps up and begins a song.

bodompidompi: So listen up, here’s a story Of why I acted quite accusatory Even though I risk assassination I want to share my information For I am Dr. One And I can see what folks have done Well, at least if visited a target (Though not if they’re mean or harmless) I saw Savant-Bard visit Digg And this part is really big: Since Digg died the very night I’m sure the Bard was his blight! I also know theduqoffrat Was the one who attack’d Ultrahedgehog and got them dead So he should be innocent instead Now we must lunch Savant-Bard But beware, he might try hard With his lines and poetic rhymes To defend, but these will be lies 79

What are the chances Digg died another way? We must lunch Savant-Bard today!

Savant-Bard: I implore you, stay your blade! For false accusations have been made Bodompi tells it true But some conclusions they also drew You see, Digg I did visit But that’s no proof of evil, now is it? I am Dr. Eamer! Certainly not an evil schemer I work closely with Dr. Phoenix And help people reach their thesis I can vouch these people are innocent: Kem, Hibbert and Hyper are Department! But for the Wolves, I’m out of luck As an investigator, I might suck Anyway, I haven’t killed anyone Studying like that wouldn’t be any fun This accusation is a misunderstanding Digg’s death notwithstanding I propose we take this to test One more phase can attest I could be important, it’s worth trying To sent me out once more spying If the target ends up dying That must mean that I’m lying Just have bodompi with me too He will see if I speak true But if they survive, I’m not guilty Leaving no reason to kill me theduqoffrat: So I believe you, well, sort of And the plan seems good enough

Larixon: Counter point: If he faked his name He would’ve already been counter-claimed The results are not that unlikely It’s hard to choose your targets precisely I’ll be honest: I believe you But now we must decide what to do We need a plan and we need it quick We now must decide who to pick

Savant-Bard: Yes, a plan of actions need be pitched

HyperAccelerated: But your targets may be switched!

Larixon: We must choose who to lunch Or the Sindicate will beat us to the punch bodompidompi: Is this all worth doing? Is this reveal one worth pursuing?

DrTipsyPhoenix: The lights will go out soon I suggest you all make your moves Whether you believe or doubt Soon we will find out Savant-Bard, Enovara, bodompidompi and a half a dozen other students are ushered apart from the others, even as they continue to protest. Lights dim a little. Everyone else debates quietly for a while, before a mob of them walks to the ushered group and takes one away by force. The audience doesn’t see who it is.

16: Two Sides HyperAccelerated: Ooh, a plot twist! We might be wise to assist I’d think this was a Sindicate ploy Yet we did think Idk was a decoy I’m sold, Eamer’s too valuable to lose I suggest we wait for news

Mrrrrh: I find your findings strange For a Wolf those are easy to arrange You were found out and you give nothing Something here is really off-putting I doubt your plan would even work The Sindicate has too many skills and quirks I think you’re just buying time Cos you got caught of being a slime 80

Lights dim further. Two spotlights appear at the centre. Enovara and a previously quiet student, Coolscorpion_83, step into them and sing a slow ballad.

Enovara: A doctor’s work is never done Not much time to have fun Besides all my workload I spent my free time writing code I’m in charge of peer review Thousand of pages to comb through Diligently working, day and night Never yearning for the spotlight But sleepless hours are taking their toll There’s only so much that you can scroll So I was relieved when I got the call

That finally allowed me to recall Time to let go of my Ahab I hope they have coffee in the lab

TeacherTish:

Coolscorpion_83:

Mathy16:

The finals had me on my last feet The engineering had me beat I’d ran out of coffee five hours ago With only cold water to keep me a-go But what really upended my boat Was when my roommate’s dog ate my notes (no, really!) Five notebooks worth of wisdom I wrote Gone like that, up in smoke That’s when I realized I failed my trial Along with every. single. Final. I wasn’t eligible for my next year So I was forced to face my fear I was out, but not for long For an intriguing offer soon came along I was invited to the Sindicate Who promised to substantiate And take me back to the school Just as long as I bent some rules Enovara & Coolscorpion_83: But it looks like we all were played for fools...

17: Confirmation and Confusion Enovara and Coolscorpion_83 walk away from the stage, along with some others. The lights slowly turn back on, showing the rest of the cast waiting like nothing had happened. Then bodompidompi steps out, smiling. Savant-Bard appears from behind him and the two lead the company in an upbeat song. bodompidompi: Hey, I’m not dead, hurray! I’m silenced neither, so yay! Aight town, I’m happy to tell That I checked the Bard and all is well I saw him visit…

Savant-Bard: KilroyAF!

bodompidompi: Who’s alive, so Bard’s no Sindicate, def! We’ve made some good progress as town We’ve got a lot confirmed names down And while this may be dangerous We’ll be fine as long as we don’t get adventurous

I’m glad about that but sad of Dr. Oid… Bye Enovara, whose career was destroyed

We should’ve expected this We were too open with our list So eager for us to cooperate It was easy for Wolves to anticipate And strike us where it hurt most Enovara had no chance for riposte

HibbertsHugeFish: Worry not! We’re not devoid Of Dr. Oid’s skill of being paranoid With Enovara gone, I’ll reveal What I have up my sleeve I’m in fact the other Dr. Oid (Still by the university employed!) I’ll pick up where Enovara left off And keep bringing the votes’ best off kemistreekat I propose we check our neighbors Some manual labor could find the traitors See if your hallmates seem suspicious Awfully ambitious, verbally vicious If their facts feel false and fictitious They might mask meanings most malicious

ryacoff: So check rooms above and below? But I’m not sure if I know What should I even look for

TheFork101: But I thought this was a useless chore? I saw people say this was a bore A fruitless effort, nothing more kemistreekat: Why not? It gets people talking And there’s no harm in a wee stalking! The students: What even are red flags? If someone ignores your tags? People are so hard to judge… I’m not sure if this helps much What if they are known To have previously thrown? I was about to head to sleep Maybe tomorrow I’ll dig deep Ugh, this feels like homework And it’s hard for people who mostly lurk But still it might be helpful It encourages being careful 81

I challenge you to name a time When this has led to a crime This comment was worth noting… Wait, I can explain my voting! Why do you hate me so?! Eh, I don’t even know You’re wasting your energy, dude Yo, blaming me’s totally rood! Hey guys, check my new project I really want it to reflect-

Larixon: Sigh. This isn’t leading anywhere We have no time for this affair We best have plan, we need it fast Lest the Sindicate’s vote be passed I suggest we vote Mathy He hasn’t been very chatty Hardly ever contributing Nay, only convoluting! His refusal to coordinate Ranks his suspiciousness at eight

TalkNerdyToMe20: Yes, I’ve suspected him for weeks It doesn’t seem he’s playing for keeps He keeps hanging in the background So I think this choice is sound

Mathy16: Hey… The wagon has arrived We must do the thing to survive bodompidompi: Let me tell you what happened Whilst I was doing my mapping I saw someone visit themselves Meaning they can’t be of Wolves And the person behind this routine Is none other than Mathy16!

Mathy16: Thanks, boo, appreciate it! This had to be stopped ‘fore it escalated Because I am Dr. Uggist My work has not been sluggish I’ve ran around rooms all year To save people I’ve held dear

kemistreekat: This makes sense, so if you’re willing I’d like protection for career-killing

Savant-Bard: (What? Why did they do that? Uggist’s the one who stops the attacks! Oh dear, I fear we’re in trouble Moments like this is how we stumble)

kemistreekat: Great, but we’ve time for one switch But everyone, I smell an umbitch! I’m not ready to reveal yet But I have found a suspish vet All, let’s vote TalkNerdy! theduqoffrat: This theory isn’t very sturdy But I guess it’s worth pursuing I just hope you know what you’re doing…

18: Rules of the School DrTipsyPhoenix clears her throat loudly, the noisy cast is silenced. They sit down and look at the Doctor, who goes over some papers and begins a number.

DrTipsyPhoenix: A special announcement Naming a denouncement Few of our department Are now departed We may have our differences But there are instances Too hard to swallow That we cannot allow Here in this school We’ve ironclad rules Rules one can only bend But what’s broken can’t be amend’d These rules have been broken! Forbidden words have been spoken! I’m sorry to say That yesterday We have expelled Two of our personnel We will say no more Tomorrow we’ll update the score

19: The Letter The music picks up. The students stand up. DrTipsyPhoenix produces a letter and continues in a sombre tune. stonedGlassQuill appears behind the Doctor, looking sad.

DrTipsyPhoenix: It seems the gloves are off The results are nothing to scoff Today we bid farewell to five Who will be sent to alphabetize the archives Though it was more luck than skill The Sindicate lost Agnus, Nerdy and Quill Nerdy was voted out, which is cool But the others were booted for breaking the rules As a mean of closing this matter Quill has left us a letter DrTipsyPhoenix produces a letter. She opens it up and begins reading, but it’s stonedGlassQuill who sings it.

stonedGlassQuill: I want to apologize for messing up I’ve been enjoying the game so much That I made a mistake out of excitement I never meant any incitement To the head: please pardon my mistake I’d rather not have to take a break This was only my first year And I was so glad to be here So to all my fellow players Allow me to bid my farewells It was fun to study with you guys Let us see on the other side

DrTipsyPhoenix: But the Department suffered losses too Namely, they lost students two Who we found missing come dawn Were bodompidomi and Larixon With Dr. Uggist’s reveal The targets for Sindicate were clear The Department couldn’t get out unscathed bodompi couldn’t be saved And Larixon was lured out of the feud With an offer of free food Slowly running out of suspects The Department started targeting vets

20: Veteran Hunt stonedGlassQuill walks out with some others. The cast is now visibly smaller than before. They gather around and start mingling, until kemistreekat steps forward, looking happy.

kemistreekat: Woo! Hell yas, Town We finally got Nerdy down!

Shame about bodompi, though Losing him was a blow But I’ve a conspiracy theory Of something rather eerie The Sindicate has picked their targets well Every one of their move impels So they must have senior staff One who thinks on their behalf And I think that vet was quiet yesterday Cos with all the drama, what’s there to say? They were bound to be pissed at the removal Full of seething, silent disapproval So I think now our cannons should be aimed At the vets that Lari has once named People like Mrrrrh, oomps, elbowsss May pose a thread in the shadows I suggest we start from there Veterans, say your prayers

21: Let Go After kemistreekat’s song concludes, the cast shuffles about, shoving each other and debating fiercely. Savant-Bard separates himself and walks around, gaze wandering. He then begins to sing as the others quiet down in their shuffle.

Savant-Bard: I was exited upon my promotion I promised to give it all my devotion Yet as the head’s right hand My work hasn’t gone exactly as planned I’ve yet to find a Sindicate man Someone we could easily ban And what’s worse, I’m exposed By a colleague I was interposed I suppose it just shows No one knows how this goes As my position is compromised I’ve finally realized My approach might have been wrong I’ve followed the students going strong But what if the villains are silent? Quietly hiding, lying In my life as a Bard I’ve finally found the hardest part The biggest challenge, now I know Is to simply let go Even when mistakes are made Even when you feel annoyed You just need to carry on And you’ll see a new dawn

Other cast clears out. Savant-Bard walks to the edge of the stage, in front of a door. RavenoftheSands walks out of the door and sneaks through the stage. Savant-Bard follows her and continues his song. Today I follow RavenoftheSands To see where she truly stands What’s this? She sneaks out at night Could I have been right? I follow her through the halls Shadows creeping on the walls She stops at a locked door Knocks three times, no more The door slowly creek open A most suspicious omen Raven enters, with a word I hear a response muffled, blurred The door closes, I sneak closer I must keep my composure I need proof or all is for naught Empirical evidence, that’s I’ve been taught I press my ear against the door And yes, I hear something I abhor Inside a meeting’s taking place: This is the Sindicate’s base Delighted, I retreat I must hurry and repeat My findings to a report Finally I’ve someone to deport! But before I turn around I hear an alarming sound In this hall I’m not alone My cover has been blown Alert, I try to flee for harm But I’m grasped by the arm It doesn’t take a Doctor to see The Sindicate has finally caught me Lights go down. A group of shadowy figures seize Savant-Bard, who continues singing as he’s ushered across the stage. In my life as a Bard I’m getting to the hardest part The bitter pill, now I know Is to finally let go It’s great to know how to win That’s where the fun begins But to live with this new bruise I must learn how to lose

Savant-Bard and cast: Lab doesn’t discriminate Between the sturdy and the faint It will chase, like a race, overtake And though I might lie awake Looking back at me, I see all the mistakes As I leave my desk of redwood I know I did all I could I’ve done nothing but my best And now it’s up to the rest After the refrain the tone turns into the one Savant-Bard sang earlier, when Idk_very_much was banished. Savant-Bard is taken out of the stage as the song ends.

22: Comrade The cast walks back on stage, seemingly normal. After a while, Penultima breaks out a guitar and sings an upbeat song while prancing around. Other students glare at her suspiciously through the song. *Note: this is set in the tune of “Giant Woman” from Steven Universe.

Penultima: It’s so ironic That we’ve come to this But here it goes! (But here he goes!) I’m a former grad But now I’m your comrade Let’s get the Wolves I don’t really have A solution (or a half) But I’m Department! (But I’m Department!) If you’re voting me Then I can guarantee You’ll shoot yourselves. I took the mantle of Dr. One And I hope to live until we’re done Oh how I know it’s a wild claim But please don’t throw this game (just yet!) Normally I’d ask to wait a phase So we could debate by proper pace But I gotta try And go banzai To get the Wolves! (Let’s get the Wolves!) I’m a former grad And I know this may be mad But I’m your comrade

23: The New Wipeout Plan People shake head at Penultima, who blends into the crowd. A fast beat starts and the cast start a new piece.

KilroyAF:

Maybe reveal to flush out the spies? But tonight, I propose That we interrogate elbowsss

Mrrrrh:

Tonight I’m voting Mrrrrh Of than you can be sure We’re in need of a target She’s suspicious AND a vet She’s suspected by oomps and elbowsss So her name is what I propose As for Penultima, we should wait and check If she’s hiding aces in her deck

I think I may lose tonight That’s why I will choose to fight To use my action, to choose my spot My time and place to get shot If I don’t make it, I regret nothing Tomorrow you’ll see if I was bluffing With so few to contest, let me say Uncheck the rest and you’ll sort the school that way

Mrrrrh:

Echo of Savant-Bard, off-stage:

No, we should check oomps Have you not noticed how she looms? More quiet than usual, merely reactive Rather than trying to be proactive And elbowsss is an agent of chaos Which is why she’s infamous She’s ruffled the crowd quite a bit Sitting back, causing a split

elbowsss: I think it’s safe to reveal Allow me to tell you all my deal I am Dr. Ops The one who pops when the beat drops I’ve tried to leave a hint You can spot it if you squint! Why are you painting me as conspicuous? That seems awfully suspicious

theduqoffrat: You know, I should be wary But slap my ass and call me Mary I may actually believe you Let me tell you what I’ll do: When I boot up my PC I’ll take a look at your history But I’m with you on the Mrrrrrh’s (Is that enough R’s?) wagon there

FYI, I said on my last day That “Mrrrrh’s most likely okay” Ah, hindsight A real bitch, am I right?

24: Dead Week Less than half of the original cast remain. DrTipsyPhoenix sits at her desk, going through her mysterious papers. She announces the results in her usual style, until joined by others in a similar, serious tone. DrTipsyPhoenix The results of our latest vote Might very well rock the boat Barely “winning” by a point Mrrrrh has now left this joint She worked with the Department But now she has departed Company: … (short silence)

Mathy16:

Note: nobody slaps any part of theduqoffrat:

What’s up with this dead week? The communication is super weak There can’t be many Sins’ left We just need to be deft I’m thinking someone who’s not talking Should be the next one we’re knocking

HyperAccelerated:

kemistreekat:

elbowsss, I’m showing my hand too For I have the same job as you! I’m also Dr. Ops How come you’re copying my chops? With Savant gone, we must organize

Scratch that, I found something Last night, as I was hunting Notice how none got sent to the box When I happened to tail thursdayxox Seems they’re the type to engulf Aight guys, let’s get the wolf 85

RavenoftheSands:

elbowsss:

NICE. And happy (almost) Friday! We should prioritize the time, for I may Be too drunk to get anything done As it’s (almost) Friday, time for fun!

That works for me! Finally we get to see I’ve suspected them for ages They are one of them Wolves, I wager

thursdayxox:

HyperAccelerated:

Hey so this looks bad for me But a no lab week may be thanks to Mathy I’m a student with a shared office Me and oomps are innocent, I promise! This week I’m actually on vacation So I can’t be around for this vocation

So last night I got bored And theorized on the chalkboard There are only 16 of us Not too many left to discuss We’ve got blockers on our side To stop the Sindicate from getting snide If we block the recruiter, instant win And we’ll get the final grin But even if we miss every turn Even if we fail to learn The worst-case scenario Would be a draw, a shared burial If we vote them out at the same pace They’re sending us to a new workplace We’ve still got students to spare But they can’t have more than a few there The chances of winning by voting blindly Are pretty much ten to ninety! Why not put this theory to test? What if we RNG the rest? …Guys? What are your thoughts? Oh well, off to the drawing lots!

Penultima: Why wouldn’t you hint that sooner? If you knew her clear, why not ensure her? Your past actions are also weird You voted for people pretty much cleared I get that you’re busy But that’s not enough to dismiss thee

HyperAccelerated: We’ll see if even Pen’s our ally But I agree, Thursday’s the big fish to fry

Thomaez: I’m voting for Thursday, too

RavenoftheSands: I guess that makes two!

HibbertsHugeFish:

I’m getting on this voting train But willing to switch with enough sway

25: Drawing Lots A much more upbeat music kicks in. DrTipsyPhoenix seems unaffected by it and carries with her spoken word sound, before being interrupted by others who pick up the pace.

DrTipsyPhoenix:

26: Still D. R. O. The students organize around the stage. HyperAccelerated has produced an official looking list and goes over it. A sick beat starts and HibbertsHugeFish joins HyperAccelerated at the centre. *Note: this song is to the tune of “Still D.R.E” by Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg

HyperAccelerated:

The results from last night: Thursday’s off, almost without a fight No one else was sent away The Sindicate took an off-day

Yeah fellows, still the school bellows I propose we reveal There’s no point to conceal Everyone, show your identity In no time we’ll know the oddity

Penultima:

HibbertsHugeFish:

Ah, Thursday was evil, great catch! But we don’t need to start from scratch: Last night I followed Barrie And the Sindicate remained stationary

(Check me out) I’m still Dr. Oid, one to avoid Though I watch the train, I’m still the brains ‘Cos when I share the votes, y'all be making notes

Everyone taking quotes when I rock the boats Barrie, may he rest, I carry with the best You got proof? Mine packs more “oomph” Some say we that should RNG I’m down for that fam, I’mma live carefree Dr. Oid is the name I’m running the game Still sneaking peeks Still working sleek, still passing down critique Still checkin’ the records when I’m bored Still good with words, should get an award Still I’m onboard, rock the keyboard The only way I know is forward I’m always picking fights with the Ethics Board I code and I write on my own accord Still seein’ through the peer review And I’m still a big deal in the crew, it’s the Dr. Oid I’m always picking fights with the Ethics Board My information cannot be ignored Still I know if someone don’t show And I still got the freshest flow, and I’m still employed

notCRAZYenough:

Echo of Larixon, off-stage:

It’s so hard to tell who means well Who ain’t swell What are the things that ring a warning bell Is it bad when they’re whispering or when they yell? This mission is a mystery but it does compel It’s so hard to tell Who could be an infidel Which one among us is trying to impel Riddles to unravel, rumors to quell Who secretly jams to Adele on a Dell? Gotta keep a level head, gather intel Searching for parallels within the personnel Update my excel, drop the bombshells Until we find one to send to hell Or worse – expel!... Ah, this life sure knocks hard

I get the feel they are too chill…

27: Lab Talk The whole cast exits stage right. Simultaneously, a cast of banished students appears from the left side. They carry small tables and science-y equipment with them. DrTipsyPhoenix’ desk remains in place and she introduces the scene. *Note: the last segment is based on “It Ain’t Hard to Tell” by Nas

DrTipsyPhoenix: Meanwhile, down at the lab Things weren’t quite so fab Since no posts were up for grabs There was time for nothing but jabs

Larixon: Ugh, they keep sending people here Who could easily be clear’d

bodompidompi: HOW is Elbosss still there? This is a real nightmare

I actually find it hilarious That they don’t see her as nefarious!

Mrrrrh: I take comfort in the fact That I was on the right track elbowsss and Oomps are evil, clear to see Yet nobody listened to me

Larixon: I fear the Department will lose For falling for the Sindicate’s ruse Underestimating their enemy Ignoring evidence, evidently Letting lies flow too easy Like what elbowsss is saying about Breezy It bothers the crap out of me

Savant-Bard: In hindsight all is clear to see Afterwards it’s simple to label But out there it’s a different tale Ahem

Lab company: Geez, shut up, Bard.

28: Bad Things Enter the double stage mode: The people of the lab walk to the left of the stage while the students (less than before) return from the right. A curtain rolls down divides the two casts. Lights on the left side dim down and the lab cast falls silent. Light on the right 87

light up. elbowsss walks to the centre in a carefree fashion, followed by others.

elbowsss: Welp, I’m out of ideas Should we just cross names out ‘thout bias?

Mathy16: Ugh, he wasn’t the last one? Is this battle ever done?

theduqoffrat:

If anyone, you’d be the most suspicious

I never wanna hear someone say “Not the quiets, let’s go other way” It looks like we really can’t buy it If someone’s claims busy for being quiet

elbowsss:

HyperAccelerated:

theduqoffrat:

But blocking me didn’t stop Wolfy business Even when I’m watched, bad things happen Gotta look further if you wanna trap ‘em

HyperAccelerated: So Penultima was clear after all The way they went out sure did appall

Mathy16: Uuuugh, someone is lying In our cleared list a wolf is hiding But nothing to do except see what fits At this point, we only have our wits

RavenoftheSands: I’m seeing multiple options Yet we should be cautious with our actions We gotta pick one to roll with Lest the Wolves show up, control it

KilroyAF:

How many more can there be? I wish there was some guarantee But I stand by my theory Even if we grow weary With so many of us cleared The Sindicate can’t hope to smear Our reputation, we can persevere And keep voting with no fear

Thomaez: So that’s the way things are done We just banish, one by one? Everyone who’s unconfirmed Despite everything we’ve learned?

HyperAccelerated: It’s by no means efficient But I’m not just voting for innocents We can probably do better But for now, we gotta vote together

I think Devil’s the one to go with tonight

Thomaez:

kemistreekat:

HyperAccelerated:

Okay-

I’m voting for Devil, all right

-But yeah, it’s you

HibbertsHugeFish:

Thomaez:

I’ll vote for Devil, for for a while I’ve found them sus of being vile

Good luck

DrTipsyPhoenix:

And to you, too

Attention students, I have news Another one has been review’d Devil_lvl666 Is permanently out of the mix He was affiliated with the Sindicate Looks like silence does indicate

29: Wake Up

HyperAccelerated:

The lights dim on the right as the student cast starts to aimlessly shuffle about. The light on the left brighten and the laboratory cast comes to life. They sing in a frustrated manner and tone.

Lab cast: Oh my god, this kills the soul The school’s strategy is full of holes We hear what they’re doing behind this wall But honestly, I’d rather not know at all Just look at elbowsss, see how she lies I can’t believe that no one’s realized That her story’s full of it She’s an evil drunk snake false prophet! She’s somehow skating by in the backstage “Breezy was kicked”? Full tilt engaged! Wake up, town! Put the pieces together You cannot win If you don’t play better Wake up, school! Find the enemy Watching you fall Is killing me What is this, am I dreaming? Why banish Penultima for no reason? They’re way too lax, thinking they’ve won Being way too eager to jump the gun They are too confused about things (Which is super irritating!) They really need to stop relaxing And be more decisive to seize the action Wake up, town! You gotta gank elbowsss Don’t let her run the show That totally blows Wake up, school! It’s not too late Snuff the wolves out Or they’ll dominate They’ve turned the school’s logic against them Their tactics are causing a great stagnation First they silence the unconfirmed Then they use the silence to affirm Them as evil, banishing poor students Oh no, the Department’s pace is losing It’s too quiet, they’re not looking The Sindicate is left to their cooking While the school’s busy drawing lots The Sindicate has them tangled in knots Okay, town It’s your last dance

Find them now Or you’ve lost your chance Time’s up, school The end begins Tonight you decide Who will win

30: The Proposal The lights on both sides dim while three spotlights appear right on the edge of the stage. From the student cast, three people walk into those lights: oomps62, elbowsss and RavenoftheSands.

DrTipsyPhoenix: But while the lab was fretting And the students were sweating The Sindicate was still going strong Softly speaking, playing along In the daylight, well-behaving Were oomps, elbowsss and Raven But in the shadows, they did scheme On how to redeem their team

oomps62: I’ve come up with a plan That can bring triumph to our clan What if we try to orchestrate A proposal that’ll cause a checkmate? Let us try to split the vote We’ll name two suspects worthy of note And have the students vote as we say In a daring, glorious play Since Tish has long been suspected We’ll make sure she is elected Additionally, I’ll suggest elbowsss As the other one to “dispose” But as they comply, they won’t know That it’s all for a show Before the night’s done, we will swing Change out votes and steal the win! As a plan to seal this duping How’s Duq, Raven and Tish for grouping?

RavenoftheSands: Based on what people have expressed It might be in our best interests To group Duq, Hyper and Tish If our plan is to catfish They think that soon the Department wins So they should be easy to convince (con wins) To support a plan to finish the game And put an end to this charade 89

oomps62, elbowsss and RavenoftheSands: It’s time to end this game Let’s get this over with We’ll split the vote between two names And finish this forthwith It’s time to end this game Here is our the proposal After today we will reign And those who oppose us Will be disposed of

31: Now You’ve Seen this The trio walks out of the spotlight back to the student cast. All the lights go on. Both the lab and the student cast comes to life, but the lab cast is “muted”. The student cast perform the final number, while the lab cast moves and reacts in real time, but without making a sound.

oomps62: *Ahem* it’s time to end this game Before the Sindicate has us framed Today we should split the vote As the rules say, and I quote “In case of a tie The two top choices say goodbye” I’m suspish of elbowsss and Tish Which is why I’m suggesting this We’ll get them both in a stroke And additionally try to smoke Out the Sindicate man in hiding Who cannot afford subsiding So Tish, Hyper and theduqoffrat Will banish elbowsss, just like that Meanwhile, Tish’s voting goes To me, Killroy and elbowsss elbowsss and Tish are forced to play along And we’ll know if someone voted wrong So vote accordingly with me And we will claim our victory!

elbowsss: Meh, I’ll vote Tish anyway Regardless of whatever you say

RavenoftheSands: Works for me! We’ve almost won theduqoffrat: As far as I’m concerned… consider it done

An unknown figure waltzes on the stage from the audience, looking very out of place and dressed unaccordingly. They have not been seen before. Everyone stares at him dubiously.

A suspicious figure: Hey there, students of the school I’ve come to tell you some news There’s no need to look far Here’s who the remaining Sindicates are: elbowsss, oomps, RavenoftheSands I hope you all understand! Everything stops. A moment of quiet shock. The lab cast is furious. A pair of security guards (from the show) appear and escort the figure away. The Sindicate cast exchanges a quick look but proceeds to act natural.

KilroyAF: Oh, the trolling As if we’re changing our polling

RavenoftheSands: Well this is just super rude I say we don’t mind this dude

elbowsss: So despite the interference I think we should keep up the appearance And defiantly stay the course Not giving credit to this.. Source

theduqoffrat: I agree with this Whether it’s a hit of a miss We should go as we were before the comment Ignoring all the new content Let’s do as oomps did say If she’s evil, well… an awesome play Everyone stops singing. A dramatic poll box is put on DrTipsyPhoenix’s desk. Everyone of the student cast goes there to place a vote. After everyone is done, DrTipsyPhoenix goes them over. After reading the, she takes off her glasses and gives a single weary sigh. Then she stands up and walks to the center of the stage. The other cast reacts to her song by moving around and such. At the end, the Department cast echoes DrTipsyPhoenix’s rhymes with their own words.

DrTipsyPhoenix: Change is coming to the school We’re implementing some new rules After last week’s routine

INSERT QUIBBLER I had a long and productive talk with the Dean After the reviews of Tish and Kilroy, we must prep And prepare this school for our next steps We talked of the lab and our progress Reassignments, projects, ah, I digress I wish to speak of some future functions That will be caused by the upcoming junction We had a fruitful conversation with Dr. Eadful That caused a confirmation and is not regretful We’re working out a new structure With Dr. Eadful as the new conductor No one needs to worry The change will not be negatory She’s completely completed her projects (conceitedly cheated and wrecked) Working with great transparence (interference) Under her brilliance (villains) Devotion to science and resilience (reptilian minions) We all get a chance, and that, of course is (outside forces) To benefit from her skills and resources (ill will, no remorse) Some are already moved to her projects (rejects) While you all will soon get your assignments (confinement) I wish you all the greatest of luck And hope none of you ever gets stuck Some day, and I speak in future tense You all will hold your Thesis Defense I am overjoyed to have seen this Sincerely, Dr. Tipsy Phoenix

IMP O DOC RTAN T UM ENT

IMPORTANT DOCUMENT

DrTipsyPhoenix takes of her lab coat, hangs it up and walks off stage.

Everyone except Dr. Tipsy: Now you’ve seen thesis…

QUIBBLER EDUCATION

The Muggleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Shoe Horn:

What It Really Is Might Surprise You by george-the-cool-guy

hoe horns might just be one of the muggle items that have a baffling reason as to why it exists. When one thinks of a shoe horn, what usually comes to mind is the undesirable effect of a miscast spell to give your shoes wings. The blood-crazed horn will try to attack everyone around its wearer, resulting in many gruesome injuries sending their victims to St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. “The cuts and gashes made by Shoe Horns are so deep and painful, it’s hard enough for us wizards to heal them, let alone Muggles!” Exclaims a confused healer when she was asked about Muggle shoe horns. When others hear the words “shoe horn” what comes to mind is a small horn blown by an

EDUCATION QUIBBLER reasons, has no friends, and getting to explain to us why he has all of our shoes every Sunday morning is an exciting bit of human contact for him.” However in all actuality, what muggles mean when they say the words “shoe horn” is entirely different than what most wizards would think. It is a flat wand sized device, that is used to help muggles put their shoes on. It is typically made out of metal or wood and is found wherever you can find a muggle who finds the simple task of putting shoes on too difficult for them to handle. I sat down with a Muggle shoe horn, to see if it was as helpful as Muggles say it is. At first glance, it seemed more suitable for whacking someone with, rather than using it to help put your shoes on. After several long minutes of trying to figure out how exactly I was to use the thing, I was sorely disappointed. All it does is it helps to put your foot into the shoe, and nothing more. While it seems like a rather impractical and useless device altogether, maybe for a Muggle who is unable to loosen their shoes with magic, the device might be of some use to them.

especially lazy wizard to summon their shoes when they are too tired to simply say “accio shoes.” Many people who live near those with shoe horns often despise their users when the horn is blown. Not only is the noise thunderingly loud, but if blown loud enough, will also summon other people’s shoes as well. This often leads to some rather unpleasant and awkward neighborly encounters, when having to explain why you have all the shoes in the neighborhood, and furthermore, why they all came barking cheerfully like dogs to your door. We went to the home of David Flipper, a young man who has an especially bothersome neighbor with a shoe horn. “Thomas blows his shoe horn every Sunday morning at precisely nine thirty. Knowing perfectly well that he is doing so, he blows the horn far too loud, summoning all the shoes in the neighborhood to him. This subsequently brings everyone chasing after them. We think he does it because he, for quite obvious 93

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Printing Problems: Your Insight into the Troubled Life of a Textbook Printer by Silvertail8

“

It’s just part of the job,” Pringle Pricely tells me over the ostentatious hum of his printer as it churns out the latest edition of ‘The Hemp Book of Herbology’, a textbook for those looking to dive deeper into the haze of illegal and black-market herbs. The distinct smell of warm hemp wafts through the air, but Mr. Pricely merely waves his wand at a nearby stack of papers which hasten to wave the scent away from us. Mr. Pricely explains that the bestselling books are often the most dangerous. Examples include Rubeus Hagrid’s famous request for over three-hundred copies of ‘The Monster Book of Monsters: Grade 3’. The printer dabs at the beads of sweat on his forehead as he recounts the experience of creating this particular piece. “Sure, it starts out simple, but then you’ve got to start adding small spells here and there. If you’re not careful, you can end up with a real catastrophe on your hands!” For ‘The Monster Book of Monsters: Grade 3’, as with any book that comes through Mr. Pricely’s studio, it began as mere words on a page. With a clever copying spell, it’s easy to start the process of printing these words onto parchment. However, this is where it starts to become complicated. The parchment must then be dried and protected using various sealing charms. These will eventually wear off as the book ages but Mr. Pricely assures me that all of his creations are of the utmost quality.

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While the parchment is being sealed, Mr. Pricely oversees the creation of the book cover. In the case of ‘The Monster Book of Monsters: Grade 3’, Mr. Pricely confessed to me that there were several accidents in the office as his team attempted to create a suitable cover. The first was created using the hide of a manticore but was deemed too dangerous to put into mass production. The next cover used crafted pygmy puff wool but was too gentle for the author’s planned aesthetic. Here, Mr. Pricely points with a grin at a small silver cage I hadn’t noticed before. Within the cage appeared to be a rectangular ball of purple fluff which, when I approached, snuffled gently at me and attempted to lick my face. “I really wish we hadn’t finished that one,” Mr. Pricely whispered to me below the din of his machine and the panting of the pygmy puff textbook. As it turns out, the final version of the book cover was made from wild boar and acromantula. The poor intern who first attempted to bind the pages to the cover lost a couple fingers to a rather nasty bite and took a week off in St. Mungo’s. I inquired as to why Mr. Pricely pursued the mass printing of the book after witnessing this horrible accident; at this, the printer laughed and explained that this was nothing when compared to the time they were printing ‘The Ginormous Book of Giants: Volume 2’. “We had to cast Engorgio about fifty times before the author was happy with the size,” he laughs, remembering how

QUIBBLER INSERT

an employee was flattened by their first copy of the book. Each book requires different things from the printing machine and Mr. Pringle is only too happy to experiment with various ways of fulfilling his customer’s requirements. The ‘Enchanted Book of Enchantments: Grade 6’ required the acquisition of an ink which was charmed with a complex array of spells, each of which was designed to enamor anyone who came in contact with it. This latest ‘The Hemp Book of Herbology’ required, apart from very dodgy means of acquiring certain herbs, a long process of preparing the parchment so that each page could provide the reader with a realistic sample of the plant described upon it.

potion,” Mr. Pricely said sheepishly. He admits that, after receiving an order from Flourish and Blotts for a hundred copies, even they weren’t entirely certain how many were actually shipped. Indeed an intern will often trip over what appears to be thin air and be unable to pinpoint the source of their embarrassment.

“The most difficult one was The Invisible Book of Invisibility,” Mr. Pricely recalled with a shake of his head. He gestured towards a rather disgruntled looking man in his thirties. As he approached, he seemed to be fading in and out of sight.

By this point, the odor of burning hemp was nearly overwhelming and I had to hastily bid Mr. Pricely goodday. However, he assured me that I would be welcome back another time to further discuss the magical mysteries of ink-making; an art of which I have little knowledge of.

“This is Martin Masterson. He was unfortunate enough to get splashed with some of the potions we used on that particular series.” Martin Masterson gives a grim smile before walking in and out of sight towards the still grumbling machine. I learned that the potion used to make ‘The Invisible Book of Invisibility’ invisible is now under close wraps as Mr. Pricely is worried that some wizards or witches might attempt to use it as a temporary fix but would then be unable to locate the item they turned ‘temporarily’ invisible. “You see, we haven’t yet discovered how to reverse the effects of the

Mr. Pricely says that he has learned to just keep walking as though nothing has happened. In a whisper, he confided that the only time he stopped and attempted to look for the book, he accidentally dipped his robes in something that smelled a bit like stinksap which wouldn’t wash out for several months.

So, dear readers, if you wish to know more about the problems that arise every day for printers like Mr. Pricely and company, please send your owls to: The Quibbler – Columnist: Lilac Vinderwal Lovegood House, Ottery St. Catchpole, Devon, England, Great Britain Yours Truly, Lilac Vinderwal

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QUIBBLER EDUCATION

The REAL Reason for Halloween by Maddermaz

While the Muggles think that Halloween has something to do with the ancient Celtic festival of Samhain, when people would light bonfires and wear costumes to ward off ghosts. Then, over time, All Hallows Eve evolved into Halloween, a day of activities like trick-or-treating, carving jack-o-lanterns, festive gatherings, donning costumes and eating sweet treats. The poor dears don’t realize that it wasn’t an accident the holiday evolved. It was actually done on purpose. In the early 1700’s (not so long after the Statute of Secrecy was put into effect), the wizarding community discovered a two things: They missed interacting with Muggles and eating Muggle candy. Now that they didn’t interact with Muggles, the available dating pool shrunk considerably. After some debate, they (the wizarding community) decided that they would lift the Statue of Secrecy one day each year, so that witches and wizards would be able to walk around in plain sight, eat all the candy they wanted, and to… dip their toes in a vastly expanded dating pool. Without the “Halloween Claus”, the wizarding community would have either died out (or become incredibly mutated due to inbreeding) by the early 1900’s. Also, it would be much harder to enjoy Muggle candy.

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For the first time ever, we are proud to reveal the Lost Chapter of The Tales of Beedle the Bard! This particular tale is was uncovered along with the remains of Beedle the Bard in Scotland! Buried with him was all the stories that we grew up with and Beetle’s own notes. 100

There may have been copies of this lost chapter circulating around (in fact, we find this story familiar and perhaps a variation has survived). Without much ado, we present to you, “The Robin and The Wyrm”

EDUCATION QUIBBLER

here was once a witch who lived in a beautiful kingdom. There was peace and the people helped one another. Life was good and all was well. Unfortunately, this meant that life was boring. Everywhere the witch went, everything was well. She couldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t use her magic to help the people. By the time she arrived to an accident site, ten other villagers had came to help. There was nothing she could do.

useless. Stirred into action by her agitation, she transfigured herself once more into a robin and flew even further than the last time. This time she found a field of flowers, bright purple with red threads in the center, smelling like perfume from the heavens. She picked one of the flowers, flew back to the village in the kingdom and presented it to the people. The people soaked the flower in water and the water turned a deep yellow, with a smell so intoxicating that the birds from Soon an idea struck her. She wished the trees flew down to smell it. They to go far beyond the kingdom to see asked where they could get more how her magic could be of use to and the witch brought them down the people. She transfigured herself the winding path that led to the field into a robin and flew far beyond of flowers. The villagers harvested the borders of the kingdom and the flowers and grew more of them. spied a shiny gem on the side of a They soaked the flowers and sold mountain. Excitedly, she brought them as perfume. The found that the gem back to the village in the cooking their barleys and rice with kingdom and presented it to the the water turned them bright yellow people. They were fascinated by and gave the food a fragrance so the gleam of the gem and asked heavenly that it turned their staple where they can find more. The witch food into food fit for the gods. Again led them to the mountain and the the kingdom prospered and all was people started mining for the gem. well. They fashioned jewellery from the gem, adorned the king and queens Once more, the witch finds herself in shiny trinkets and gifted each with nothing to do. For the third other with cups set with gems. time, she transfigured herself into a There was a boom in the economy robin and flew. This time, she was and the people were happy. determined to fly to the furthest possible pace and bring back new As time went by, the witch grew wonders from afar. She flew day and bored and once again found herself night, night and day. She beat her 101

QUIBBLER EDUCATION

wings against the rain and wind, snow and chill. Eventually, she had to stop. She was hungry and tired and thirsty. On the ground, she spotted a worm. In her hunger, the worm looked delicious. Without stopping to transfigured herself back to her human form, she swooped down and pecked on the worm. The worm cried, “Mercy! Kind Robin. Do not eat me. I am not what I seem! I am a Wyrm on his way to becoming a Wyvern. Spare me now and I will repay your kindness!” In her animal form, dying of thirst and hunger, the robin-witch heeded nothing but her body screaming for sustenance. She picked the wyrm up with her feet and flew off to a nearby tree to enjoy her meal. The wyrm struggled and bit the robin with his venomous fangs. The robin felt a sharp pain and her vision blurred. She fell from the skies, with the last thought, “All I saw was a meal, I ended up with a raw deal.” Back at the village in the kingdom, the people looked towards the skies for the return of their beloved Robin.

by ElphabaPfenix 102

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103

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A Modern Look at the Sacred Twenty Eight by Mathias_Greyjoy

s many of us know, Wizarding Britain’s history has produced a magical community obsessed with blood-purity for centuries. The term ‘pure-blood’ refers to a family or individual without Muggle (nonmagic) blood. The concept is generally associated with Salazar Slytherin, one of the four founders of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, whose aversion to teaching anybody of Muggle parentage eventually led to a breach with his three fellow founders, and his resignation from the school.

Under such conditions of uncertainty, fear and resentment, the pure-blood doctrine began to gain followers. As a general rule, those who adopted it were also those who had most strenuously opposed the International Statute of Secrecy, advocating instead outright war on the Muggles. Increasing numbers of wizards now preached that marriage with a Muggle did not merely risk a possible breach of the new Statute, but that it was shameful, unnatural and would lead to ‘contamination’ of magical blood.

today? Let’s dive back into the ranks of the Sacred Twenty-Eight, who comprised the families of:

Slytherin’s discrimination on the basis of parentage was considered an unusual and misguided view by the majority of wizards at the time. Contemporary literature suggests that Muggle-borns were not only accepted, but often considered to be particularly gifted. They went by the affectionate name of ‘Magbobs’ (there has been much debate about the origin of the term, but it seems most likely to be that in such a case, magic ‘bobbed up’ out of nowhere).

As Muggle/wizard marriage had been common for centuries, those now self-describing as pure-bloods were unlikely to have any higher proportion of wizarding ancestors than those who did not. To call oneself a pure-blood was more accurately a declaration of political or social intent (‘I will not marry a Muggle and I consider Muggle/ wizard marriage reprehensible’) than a statement of biological fact.

Whose descendants have faded into obscurity and dishonour, after their last living male heir was found to be among the ranks of Lord Voldemort’s Death Eaters. The Avery family is likely to go extinct in Azkaban prison. Avery is a surname of ambiguous origin. Some scholars believe that the name is derived from Every, which is the name of a county in Normandy, or Évreux, a noble family that ruled Navarra from 1328 to 1441.

In the mid-1930s, an anonymous publication concerned with preserving the purity of bloodlines within the magical population was compiled, giving a compendium of the pure-blood families. The Sacred Twenty-Eight were, according to the author of the PureBlood Directory (widely believed to have been Cantankerus Nott), the twentyeight British families that were still "truly pure-blood" by the 1930s.

Black –

Magical opinion underwent something of a shift after the International Statute of Secrecy became effective in 1692, when the magical community went into voluntary hiding following persecution by Muggles. This was a traumatic time for witches and wizards, and marriages with Muggles dropped to their lowest level ever known, mainly because of fears that intermarriage would lead inevitably to discovery, and, consequently, to a serious infraction of wizarding law.* 104

But who are these families that have supposedly been deemed pure? And what do we know of their descendants

Abbott –

The family's traditional residence was in Godric's Hollow. They are related to the Longbottom family. Abbott is a relatively common surname in English-speaking countries, derived from abbot, the title of the head of a monastery.

Avery –

"Toujours Pur." -The family motto, translating to "Always Pure". The Black family died out after their last male heir carrying the name was killed at the Battle of the Department of Mysteries. Though their blood is claimed to carry on in u/ starflashfairy through a distant relative.

Bulstrode –

A particularly unpleasant fanatical pureblood family, exclusively loyal to Slytherin house. They are distantly related to the Blacks, the Flints, the Crabbes and the

Potters. Bulstrode is an extremely rare surname in the United Kingdom. Its origin is uncertain, but it may be derived from a place name meaning either "fortress on the marsh" Burke – Carried on through the rather nasty, Caractacus Burke, one of the founders of sinister wizarding shop Borgin and Burkes. They are related to the Black, Flint and possibly the Malfoy families. In Old English, it meant "to murder by suffocation, or so as to produce few marks of violence, for the purpose of obtaining a body to be sold for dissection" or "to smother; to conceal, hush up, suppress." It can also be a variant of the British slang term berk, meaning "idiot".

Carrow –

Not much is known about this Wizarding house. In recent times, Amycus and Alecto Carrow both served as Death Eaters, recruited to instil some discipline at Hogwarts. It is also possible that the surname was originally a shortened version of the Cornish surname; "Nancarrow".

Crouch –

The Crouch family was one of the oldest pure-blood families in Great Britain. The last two members of the clan died sometime in 1996, and the Crouch family became extinct. They were related to the Black, Yaxley, Longbottom, and Weasley families.

Fawley –

Little is known of this Wizarding family. Though their members seem to be exclusively loyal to Hufflepuff House. One recent member of the family, Hector Fawley was Minister for Magic from 1925 to 1939.

Flint –

The Flint family are related to the Black, Burke, Gamp, and Bulstrode families. Josephina Flint served as Minister for Magic from 1819 to 1827. Through further study, I believe that u/Elbowsss may be related to this toothy family.

Gaunt –

Obsessed with their own pure-blood status. The House of Gaunt was the only living descendants of Salazar Slytherin and had an unfortunate tendency of marrying their cousins to keep their blood pure. Though they were very wealthy and prominent once, the Gaunt family The

family gold was squandered and they spiraled into poverty and misery, due to their liking for grandeur in tandem with little sensibility when it came to indulgences. They finally died out in the 1950s, though rumours persist that Mathias Greyjoy is a distant descendant of the Gaunts, through the old French Wizarding Grisjoie family, which may or may not be the lesser known French branch of the family (according to most, this theory is seemingly baseless). Greengrass – Little is known of this traditional family. A certain ancestor of the family was stricken with a curse, which can possibly be passed down into the Greengrass family as a blood malediction, which is a lifelong, debilitating, and sometimes fatal curse.

Lestrange –

The Lestranges are a very old and wealthy family, who posses one of the ancient vaults at Gringotts Wizarding Bank. Like the House of Black, many Lestranges practise the Dark Arts and believe in the notion of pure-blood supremacy, they disdain Muggles, Muggle-borns, blood traitors, and in some cases half-bloods. Similar to the Gaunt, they are willing to intermarry with cousins to maintain their purity. They are related to the Black, Malfoy, Tonks, Lupin, and Rosier families.

Longbottom –

The Longbottoms do not appear to hold prejudice based on blood purity, although there are indications that they are considered more respectable than the Weasleys. They are related to the Black and Abbott families, and more distantly to the Weasley, Crouch and Potter families. Longbottom, in addition to being a compound word, means "long valley". The name itself is considered quite humorous, but "bottom" is an old word for "staying power."

Macmillan –

Well known Hufflepuff members, the family is comprised of nine consecutive generations of pure-bloods. They are distantly related to the Black and Prewett families.

Malfoy –

The family first arrived in Britain with Armand Malfoy, who founded the family estate, Malfoy Manor on land obtained from King William I. Independently wealthy, with no need to work for a living, they have generally preferred

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the role of power behind the throne. The Malfoys are related to many other pureblood families, including the: Blacks, Lestranges, Greengrasses, and Rosiers. They are also related to the Tonks and Lupin families, of mixed wizarding and Muggle heritage, much to the Malfoys' disdain, although they are not against marrying half-bloods. “Purity Will Always Conquer” appears to be their family motto. Malfoy is derived from the French "mal foi", meaning "badly (or in this case, bad) faith" or "unfaithful".

Nott –

Cantankerus Nott is widely believed to have authored the ‘Sacred TwentyEight’. It is possible that the family is not all "truly pure-blood" and if Cantankerus Nott is the author of the Pure-Blood Directory, then he probably just listed the Nott family so they would get praised by other supremacists. The name Nott may be derived from Nótt, the personification of night in Norse mythology. It is also similar in pronunciation to the words "naught" and "knot".

Ollivander –

Makers of fine wands since 382 BC, the Ollivanders could make quite a claim to being among the oldest wizarding families. It is said that the name means ‘he who owns the olive wand’, which suggests that the original Ollivander arrived in Britain from a Mediterranean country (olive trees not being native to the UK).

Parkinson –

Not much is currently known about the Parkinson family. Though Perseus Parkinson was known to have served as Minister for Magic from 1726 to 1733. He attempted to pass a bill making it illegal to marry a Muggle. Perseus Parkinson's attempts to ban mixed marriages are identical to Rappaport's Law introduced by MACUSA president Emily Rappaport. However, unlike in the United States of America, anti-muggle sentiments are not as widespread and confined to wizarding supremacists.

Prewett –

A proud wizarding family. They are related to the Black, Weasley, and Macmillans. With the deaths of Fabian and Gideon in the First Wizarding War, the Prewett family became extinct in 105

QUIBBLER INSERT the male line, though it continues in the female line through the children of the Weasleys. The surname Prewett is Welsh in origin. It is derived from the Middle English word prou, meaning "brave" or "valiant", and the suffix "-et", which implies smallness. Thus, it is believed to be derived from a nickname for someone small, but brave.

Slughorn –

Rosier –

In recent history, the Travers family was famous for being heavily involved with the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, but also in aiding the murders of multiple wizarding families, including the McKinnons.Travers is an English and Irish surname that means "toll or tolltaker" (as on bridges), "traverser" (Norman: "to cross"), "skillful", or (in French) "from the crossroads." Recent evidence has come to my attention that u/Ryan814 is related to the Travers family.

They are related to the Black, Lestrange and Malfoy families. Which is not surprising, given the participation of two Rosiers in the First Wizarding War as Death Eaters. The inclusion of the Rosiers in a French family tree of the Lestrange family suggests that the family originated, or has branches in, France. Rosier is French for "rose tree" or "rose bush" and is a common surname in Francophone areas. Rowle – Damocles Rowle served as Minister for Magic from 1718 to 1726. Rowle was an authoritarian who had risen to power on an anti-Muggle agenda, capitalising on the anger felt by much of the wizarding community at being forced to go underground. This surname seems to have reached England by two separate channels; partly through its popularity among the Normans, partly through its use among Conquest Scandinavian settlers. The name dates back to the late 13th Century.

Selwyn –

The Umbridge family claimed at one point to be related to the Selywn family, although whether this is true or not is unclear. Selwyn is an uncommon surname of Anglo-Saxon origin derived from the words sel, "castle", and wyn, "friend".

Shacklebolt –

Kingsley Shacklebolt was among the members of this family, an Auror active during the Second Wizarding War who rose to the position of Minister for Magic in the late 1990s. He was the only member of the family alive, at least as known to the Ministry, by 1997.

Shafiq –

A little-known family, hardly anything is known about the modern Shafiq family. Although they may be of Arabic origin.

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A well connected wizarding family. While according to some value to their blood purity, the Slughorns were not overly prejudiced against Muggleborn or Half-blood. They were also considered very wealthy.

Travers –

Weasley –

The Weasleys are considered one of the prominent wizarding families, although their lack of money and their sympathy for non-pure-blood wizards and even Muggles makes others look down on them. Included in the Sacred TwentyEight list, they controversially deplored their inclusion in the list, claiming to have had ancestral ties to many interesting Muggles. Their protests earned these families the opprobrium of advocates of the pure-blood doctrine, and the epithet “blood traitor”. The Weasley family originally hailed from Normandy in France, and the surname Weasley is derived from the weasel.

Yaxley –

A Scottish wizarding family. They are related to the Black family, and more distantly to the Crouch, Weasley, and Longbottom families. Yaxley is the name of two English villages, one in Cambridgeshire and one in Suffolk.

Footnotes: Following the publication of the Sacred Twenty Eight, a minority of these families publicly deplored their inclusion on the list, declaring that their ancestors certainly included Muggles, a fact of which they were not ashamed. Most vocally indignant was the numerous Weasley family, which, in spite of its connections with almost every old wizarding family in Britain, was proud of its ancestral ties to many interesting

Muggles. Their protests earned these families the opprobrium of advocates of the pure-blood doctrine, and the epithet ‘blood traitor’. Meanwhile, a larger number of families were protesting that they were not on the pure-blood list. Over subsequent decades and centuries, the number of mixed marriages began to climb again until the healthy levels of today, and this has not led to widespread discovery of the hidden magical community. Professor Mordicus Egg, author of The Philosophy of the Mundane: Why the Muggles Prefer Not to Know, points out that Muggles in love generally do not betray their husbands or wives, and Muggles who fall out of love are jeered at by their own community when they assert that their estranged partner is a witch or wizard. Interestingly, the Potter family was excluded from the list because it is also a common Muggle surname and that Henry Potter also took an outspoken pro-Muggle view during his time in the Wizengamot. This is despite Dorea Black marrying Charlus Potter, and not being disowned, which would almost certainly indicate that the family had no known Muggle ancestors or relatives. One possible theory indicates that the author of the Directory considered the Potters and other "pure-blood" families (such as the Prince line, or the Crabbes) to have some amount of Muggle ancestry. It is unknown if any of the Sacred Twenty Eight are descendants of the other three Founders of Hogwarts. Only the Gaunts have been able to accurately trace their line back to a Founder of Hogwarts, to Salazar Slytherin.

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A Word of Warning: Muggle Schools by drpepperslut

You know, a few months ago, when my husband took a job in the Muggle world (in America!), and we decided to live in a Muggle neighborhood with our boys, it didn’t occur to me what a problem it would be to have our kids in a Muggle school. I mean, we’re tidy people, and I know my mother certainly kept my family from getting sick when I was a child, but of course, I was raised in the Wizarding world. How these Muggles live past infancy with this low level of cleanliness is entirely beyond me. And our normal, everyday cleaning charms and accios and cooking spells being spoken around our little guys? They have language instructors now because the teachers can’t understand a word of Latin. Utter nonsense. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me explain. We have two handsome little twin boys who I dearly love and I’m proud to say have just begun preschool here in America. Well, I’m proud, but also it’s easily been one of the most stressful experiences of my life. These damn Muggles! You’d think, at some point in their lives they would invent some way to actually CLEAN their little hellions to prevent infectious diseases from being spread amongst the twenty or so students in each class but NO! They have some smelly paper wet wipes of chemicals to clean the surfaces of the play areas, but what about the books! Or the cloth objects! Or even the floor when they inevitably fall to the ground when running in excitement! I swear they’re utter barbarians. My boys have brought home a “cold” from their classmates and even I caught it! Thankfully, my Muggleborn husband has an ‘immunity’ to it from his own exposures from his childhood but had he gotten ill, it would have put us all out of commission for an entire week! Thank the gods my mother leant us an elf for the week, elsewise I might not have had the energy to cook much less clean. You’d think that prioritizing the children’s education would have made this dire lack of cellular security more important but I suppose not! They missed school because of this! And I had to take them to the doctor to get medicine. Not even a proper Healer! That’s only one problem, as I mentioned. Those ‘teachers’- if you can even call them that- say they can’t understand the boys when they speak. That they use “made up languages” to ask for things. “Accio backpack” a made up language, indeed! Not to mention, the boys are intimidated by the number of other strange children and these strange adults and everything else. Of course they’re quiet! The teachers keep telling me they’re wordless most of the day, but at home, I’ll tell you this, they’re as loud and talkative as any other child. So now we have to have specialists come and evaluate their language abilities. I keep hoping for anyone to have some magical family and be able to help us figure these kinds of things out. It’s not as though I could easily explain why my 4-year-olds have two languages and one is a supposedly dead language without breaking the law of secrecy. My family has been no help (as though this is a problem I or any of the children in my generation would have faced as a child!) and all of our friends and my husbands family are all either from families in the Magical world or were Muggleborn and don’t have children as old as ours, and are in an entirely different country! So I decided to write this article in hopes that some other mother out there can learn from our experiences. Be prepared to disinfect your children daily and try to only use one language around them if they’re to be raised in the Muggle world. You’re only doing yourself favors you won’t regret, trust me.

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QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES

Pumpkin Squash Soup by ElphabaPfenix

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It is the season for Pumpkins! From Pumpkin Spiced Latte to Pumpkin Angel Cake, we are all very familiar by now with the many uses of pumpkins. For this issue, I would like to introduce a very simple pumpkin squash soup. This soup is very versatile. It can be enjoyed piping hot or chilled. Add shredded poached chicken to increase your protein intake. Despite being rich in texture and taste, Pumpkin is surprisingly low in calories, about 26 calories per 100g, which is great for keeping your tummy full while keeping your calorie count low. First choose the type of pumpkin you would like to use. A butternut squash is full of delicious flesh, skin that is easy to separate from the flesh after baking and very little seed. It also has a bright orange colour that looks so pretty. A kabocha squash has a thin skin that is hard to remove because it is so delicate, and it has grooves all along its side, but the flesh has a natural sweetness that is also very fragrant. Kabocha squash from japan has the sweetest taste but those from the US is also acceptable. You need to bake the pumpkin till tender. Remove the seeds, drizzle some olive oil and a pinch of sugar. Add a thumb of ginger, smashed and a sprig of thyme. Bake at 180°C for at least 45 min to 1 hour, depending on size. Pumpkin should be tender when pierced with a skewer. While the pumpkin is baking, prepare the vegetable stock, throw in carrots, onions, leek and celery, 100g of vegetables to 1 litre of water. Boil for 20 min, turn off flames and let steep for 1 hour.

Blend the pumpkin with some vegetable stock in to a puree, adding as much stock as you need to achieve your desired consistency. Cook in a pot and bring to a boil for 15 sec. Season to taste. And that’s all to it! A simple base where you can add anything you like. Add in miso paste for a Japanese infusion in to your dish. For the chilled version, remember, if you are adding in any protein to make sure you cooked them to temperature of at least 70°C and hold for at least 15 sec before rapidly cooling them down for a safe meal.

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MUGgle Recipes how to use a microwave BY: blxckfire

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The Wand of Salazar Slytherin by Mathias_Greyjoy

elcome back Noble students of wandlore! I am most proud to present to you the legendary heirloom wand of Salazar Slytherin himself, greatest of the Hogwarts four! Yes indeed, Salazar Slytherin owned a wand of his own making, seventeen inches long, made of Snakewood, and containing a fragment of a magical snake’s horn: in this case, a Basilisk. The wand had the distinction of being able to "sleep" when so instructed, losing its ability to perform magic, an ability taught to it by Slytherin himself. After his death, the wand and its secret powers were handed down through the centuries to each member of Slytherin’s family who possessed it. By the early 1600s it was in the possession of Slytherin’s last living scions, the House of Gaunt. The wand was stolen by one of his descendants, Isolt Sayre from her aunt Gormlaith Gaunt in 1620, when the young girl fled to the New World aboard the Mayflower. Once in America, she used the wand to found Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The wand was deactivated by Gormlaith herself when she tracked down her niece and, following Gormlaith’s death, the wand permanently

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INSERT QUIBBLER hibernated. It was buried at Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where it grew into a unique snakewood tree whose leaves contained powerful medicinal properties. This wand has a real core, a shard of bone from the spine of a snake fossil I acquired. The basilisk is a deadly creature of enormous power, known as the "King of Serpents"; this giant snake is very closely related to Lake Serpents, though darker in tone due to the dark nature of their creation, like the wands they become the core of. Basilisk wands are incredibly rare, as the beasts are rare to begin with and hard to kill. Due to their rarity, they are often passed down from generation to generation. Like the River Serpent, Wands of basilisk horn are said to be sensitive to Parseltongue, which is the language of serpents. They are capable of performing robust and potent magic through commands given in the ancient language, such as being taught to "sleep" when so instructed, becoming inactive and unable to perform magic until commanded otherwise.

Snakewood is named for its handsome, mottled, snake scale appearance. This very rare wood creates a wand of mysterious power. Being an extremely dense wood, it is quite possibly the hardest wand wood in existence. Regarded among Wandmakers as a highly unusual and antiquated wood, it has not been in common circulation as a wand wood for several centuries, due to the utter lack of goodsized quantities of magical wood. Snakewood makes wands that are very tricky to handle. A Snakewood wand would be a wise choice for one who has mastered the magical arts and can control the darker influence of it; that is, of course, if one wishes to cast good-willed magic. For those who wish to practice dark magic, it is undeniable that those who do so will enjoy the wandâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s remarkable power. Snakewood encompasses both the noble and ignoble traits of magic, being particularly suited to healing, but also adept in the darker arts. Where the wand has been buried, it generally sprouts into a large and potently magical tree.

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QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES

Another Interview with the Wandmaker Mathias Greyjoy Conducted by elbowsss It was in ruins. I stood in the center of a dim, dusty room that was lit only by the few rays of sun that managed to fight through the grime on the window. The warped wood of the floor felt unsteady under my feet, and the rhythmic dripping I could hear from the darkest corners told me that it wouldn’t be long before the entire building was taken by rot. I kicked an empty wand box to the side, causing a whirlwind of dust to float up, dimming the room even more. That was it; I’d seen enough. I turned on the heel of my shiny red rain boots and stepped back into Diagon Alley. Next to the bold sign that read “CONDEMNED” was an old man sobbing quietly into his hands. “You knew this day was coming,” I told him as I tilted my head conversationally in his direction. He continued to weep. “You should call your people and tell them to withdraw from their logging operation in the Amazon.” Slowly he raised his face look at me. He made no effort to hide his tears as they fell freely from his wide, silver eyes. “What am I supposed to do now? Wandmaking was my life!” “Oh, go plant a tree. I’ve got places to be. Peace out, Ollivander.” I smiled toothily at his miserable form as I turned on spot to disapparate.

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CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES QUIBBLER As I reappeared in front of Mathias Greyjoy’s shop, I was nearly knocked over by three tall wizards in bright red robes carrying boxes that were nearly larger they they were. They were headed into the building. Through the door that was propped open, I could see a short, sassy witch with curly hair directing the three short wizards and many more with boxes to unload. She stood on a podium in the brightly lit room, and to her side, I could see Mathias. He watched excitedly as the boxes were stacked in different piles according to the direction of the curly-haired witch. The hustle and bustle was a stark contrast to the shop I had just left. It drew me in, and so I stepped inside. “Mathias!” I called. He smiled widely and beckoned me over. “The rumors are true. Ollivander’s is closed for good! You’ve taken the London market!” He gestured with his hand at the cheerful room around him, and my eyes lingered on the silver threading on the seams of his charcoal robes. “We’ve done very well for ourselves over the past year! Sales are up, the people keep coming back, and my Wandmakers Club is growing in size. I’d say it’s been a huge success!” “I can see that,” I agreed, pointing at the ornate chandelier that hung from the ceiling, what looked to be three stories high. Last time I’d been here, the stone building had been squat and unassuming. Now it seemed that even the corners were gleaming. “Would you be interested in a follow-up interview?” Mathias nodded and pointed to an open door behind me, which looked as though it led to his office. “We can speak in there so the workers can focus on the remodel. Let’s go!” I stepped inside and brushed some wood shavings off a chair before taking a seat. Mathias gently shut the door and took the other chair on the opposite side of the desk, which was littered in sketches, wood shavings, and what looked like bits of a peacock feather. No matter - my notebook was in my lap, pen poised, as he said, “Let’s get started.” 117

QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES Q: So what’s going on with the remodel? Who’s doing it, and what are your plans?

Q: How has your technique developed over the past year?

A: A new change of colour and pace is always healthy! Rightypants has been contracted out to do a remodel for us!

A: I have branched out in terms of skill considerably. I like to try different styles, and right now it’s gravitating towards hand carved as opposed to lathed.

Q: I’ve seen your articles in The Daily Prophet about your Wandmaker’s club. What sorts of things do you share with each other at meetings? A: We share tips and tricks for new wandsmiths, new developments in Wandlore, and recently we announced that we would be starting seasonal contests! Q: What sorts of things have you learned from regular meetings with your Wandmaker’s club? A: It seems that the majority of our most learned Wandmakers have become increasingly busy, and have little time right now for the the craft. However, many new wandmakers, of little skill have cropped up, seeking knowledge. Q: Can you tell me more about the contests? When are they? How will they be ran? How will the winner be decided? A: We want to organise a seasonal contest for our members. A wand that abides the guidelines of the contest will be chosen by the mods, and the winner will receive a special prize! These include raw wandmaking materials such as woods, and cores, and what I believe the muggle children nowadays call “swag”. r/Wandsmith stickers, perhaps even hats and t-shirts! We have many secrets in the works! Q: What are some of your recent projects? A: Recently I’ve been experimenting with more North American cores. Jackalope antler and Snallygaster heartstring is catching my fancy. I also received a request from a customer for a Niffler fur cored Blackthorn wand!

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Q: Haha… “branched out.” What is the most difficult moment in the wandmaking process? A: Sometimes, when a wand is bespoke to a customer it can become difficult to satisfy their original expectations. I believe in a degree of bespokeness, but prefer as much creative freedom as possible. The wand chooses the wizard afterall. Q: Do you tend to cycle through wands for your own personal use, or do you truly have just one wand for yourself? A: I collect wands, it’s true. But I do possess one special wand of my own. Q: What is your special wand made of, and what can the average wizard assume it tells us about you? A: I do own a special wand that I would call my own. I’ve always had a deep connection with ebony wood, so mine is hewn from the Gaboon ebony tree. It is fifteen inches in length, and contains a shaving of horn from a Horned Serpent. My hometown is merely 4-5 hours away from Mount Greylock, the location of Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. So I felt drawn to the Horned Serpent, to a higher degree than any other magical beast. Q: You seem to get so much joy out of your creations. What is it about wandmaking that draws you in? Is it the physical creation? Is it the lore? Is it the moment you match wand and wizard? A: All three certainly. The process is fun, works your creative juices, and problem solving skills. The lore fascinates me, and draws me deeper in with everything I discover. The matching of a Witch or Wizard’s wand is incredibly special.

CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES QUIBBLER Q: Have you ever had any injuries related to wandsmithing? A: Oh heavens yes. I’ve gotten many wounds, and splinters. I get very sore hands from long hours working with wood and knife. I’ve accidentally poisoned myself with toxic wood as well. Q: Toxic wood! What kind of wizard would it take to wield a wand made of toxic wood? Would they need a sort of toxic personality? A: Interesting you ask that, because the answer is almost unsurprisingly, Lord Voldemort himself. That particular Dark Wizard wielded an Ollivander-made yew wand. Yew is a particularly dangerous wood. All parts of the yew tree are toxic to humans, with the exception of the yew berries (however, their seeds are toxic); additionally, yews release cytotoxic pollen, which can cause headaches, lethargy, aching joints, itching, and skin rashes. And so I did poison myself, by not taking enough precautions first time working with the wood. Q: How would you suggest that an interested wizard get started in making their own wand? Is it as easy as picking up a stick from the backyard and going at it with a knife?

with (as I’ve only worked with the Hawaiian species). This got me curious about African wandlore, and --

_______________________________________

With that, a loud crashing jolted us both from the conversation. Mathias moved quickly to open the door to reveal a pile of boxes had tumbled to the floor, and paint was spreading quickly over the hardwood floor. The curlyhaired witch I now knew to be rightypants flicked her wand towards it in a bored way, cleaning it in one motion. Mathias was smiling again. His shop was in good hands. I closed my notebook and shook his hand on my way out the door. “Maybe I’ll stop by for your next Wandmakers Anonymous Meeting,” I told him. “It’s not a support group, elbowsss. We don’t have a problem.” “Sure, sure,” I called back. “You guys can stop any time you want to.” He waved cheerfully as I disapparated.

A: Join us at r/wandsmith and ask many questions. It’s a hobby that requires learning as you get into it. Figure out your style, and to what degree you will take with your woodworking. Q: Do you have any plans for your shop within the next year? A: I hope to reorganise myself a little more, this summer has been a difficult one, and I haven’t had as much time for wandmaking as I’d hoped. Q: What about in relation to your trade - any woods or cores you are dying to work with? A: I recently got my hands on some African Acacia which I’m chomping at the bit to work 119

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DARK ARTS QUIBBLER

Foreign Spells and Why You Should Learn Them

by ElphabaPfenix With the arrival of Halloween, we may find ourselves victims to various spells by those who want to prank us. There’s so many spells to defend against, your standard protego or expelliarmus may not cut it. Here are 5 foreign spells you should learn to protect yourself from popular prank spells during Halloween. 1.

One popular spell that pranksters cast during Halloween is Levicorpus, and while Liberacorpus is an effective counterspell, you kind of need to have someone else cast it on you. Instead try nochdadh, a Celtic spell which reflects the spell cast on you back to the caster.

When there is chaos all around you, spells flying everywhere and you need to escape unnoticed, try the Romanian spell acopera-Ma, which should give you a temporary shield from jinx and hexes and render you invisible for a short time, enough for you to make a quick get away.

When you are having the time of your life, chilling with your buddies and your guard is down, use the Catalan spell prova química, to quickly test if anyone has spiked your drink with the Puking Pastilles or dissolved some Canary Cream in your butterbeer. This spell will detect if anything has been added in your drink without your consent.

Say you are walking down Maple street on Halloween night and a dementor suddenly appears. While Expecto Patronum may be effective, but it might be a tad overkill if it was just a kid in some dirty cloaks. Instead, try iloinen valo, a Finnish spell that summons beautiful lights that surrounds the area and drive real dementors away but still looks less aggressive when it turns out to be a prank. Never get told to take a chill pill ever again by the cool kids!

Lastly, cast a multiple illusion on yourself with Saya Banyak, an Indonesian chant that makes copies of yourself to confuse pranksters targeting you. Slip away while they figure out which is the real you to target!

The pros of foreign spell is that the people around you will not know what you cast because they probably didn’t learn it! It has the same advantages of casting a nonverbal spell without the difficulty of casting nonverbal spells. Wizards and witches will not be able to come up with a counterspell if they don’t know what you cast. Plus, you sound all mysterious and exotic when you cast foreign spells, perfectly suiting the Halloween spirit! I hope all of you have fun with Halloween coming up and stay safe! 121

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS

The Unbreakable Vow Know What You Are Getting Yourself Into

Authored By: Edna Elverine

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DARK ARTS QUIBBLER

A pact.

binding spell and then waits for the Vow Term Maker

A bond.

to speak. At this point, no visible magic has been

A promise. These are all apt descriptors of the Unbreakable

performed.

The Vow Term Maker will request a series

Vow. However, most witches and wizards describe

of promises from the Vow Maker, usually following

it as a binding oath; an oath whose side effect,

the formula of "Will you, [Vow Maker], [fulfill this

when broken, is death.

condition]?". With each successive affirmation from the Vow Maker, a flame shoots from the Bonder's

To perform the Unbreakable Vow you will need the following:

wand and coils itself around the clasped arms,

1 Vow Maker (witch or wizard with a working wand arm)

solidifying into something resembling a red hot wire.

1 Vow Term Maker (witch or wizard with a working wand arm) 1 Bonder (witch or wizard with a working wand)

In the rare case that the Vow Maker does

not agree to a term set by the Vow Term Maker, the

The Vow Maker is the witch or wizard who

spell breaks with the vow incomplete and therefore

promises to fulfill the Unbreakable Vow. The Vow

not binding. The fire-like wires that wrap around

Term Maker is the witch or wizard who sets the

the clasped arms disintegrate into black ash and

conditions for the vow. Finally, the Bonder is the

the former Vow Maker and former Vow Term Maker

witness for the ritual and the person who performs

must better decide their terms before attempting the

the magic which binds the Vow Maker to their

Unbreakable Vow again.

promise. In a pinch, the Unbreakable Vow has been documented as being performed only by a Vow Maker

and a Vow Term Maker with the Vow Term Maker

Term Maker agree on all of the terms, the Bonder will

doubling as the Bonder. However, the resulting vow

then nonverbally finish the binding spell and this

is unstable and thus has been known to break with

time, the wires encircling the clasped arms appear

either both parties surviving or both parties dying.

to melt into the skin, forming dark red marks which

In the event that the Vow Maker and Vow

will, when fulfilled, magically disappear from their

To begin the Unbreakable Vow, the Vow

arms one at a time. In the even that each of the terms

Maker and the Vow Term Maker will face each other

for the vow are inherently interwoven with one

and clasp wand arms. In the case that the Vow Maker

another, when the vow is fulfilled, all of the marks

and the Vow Term Maker have different wand arms

will disappear at once.

(one is right wand armed and the other is left wand armed), the procedure remains largely the same

except the Bonder will be requested to stand on

violated by the Vow Maker, which has only happened

the same side as the clasped arms so as to properly

a few times in wizarding history (the most egregious

center the ritual.

case involving Pawltrice the Pretender and a large

Next, the Bonder will stand on either side

manticore), the witch or wizard who broke the vow

of the Vow Maker and the Vow Term Maker unless

will then be killed in a manner most befitting the

the previous exception applies. With the tip of their

vow they broke. In Pawltrice the Pretender's case,

wand touching the place where arms intertwine, the

he had broken a promise to feed his brother's wife's

Bonder nonverbally performs the beginning of the

cats while the happy couple were on vacation and

If the Unbreakable Vow's terms are ever

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QUIBBLER DARK ARTS was found mauled to death several kilometers away from his home at the top of a mountain. Mr. Newt Scamander, famous for his experience with magical beasts and author of the book "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them", commented on the manticore's odd behaviour.

"Manticores,"

Mr.

Newt

Scamander

was

recorded saying, "rarely leave anything behind when they hunt." According to Mr. Scamander, manticores are famous for devouring their prey whole, leaving nothing except for drops, and sometimes pools, of blood behind. This particular manticore left the mountains, actively searching for prey, and dragged Pawltrice the Pretender all the way to the top of the mountain without regard for the trees in its path.

So when should you make an Unbreakable

Vow? According to Vow and Oath expert, Professor Didly Mockrey, the Unbreakable Vow should only be made when the Vow Maker is absolutely certain that they can fulfill the vow and the Vow Term Maker's terms are of extreme importance. A famous example is the Unbreakable Vow made by Severus Snape to Narcissa Malfoy. In this instance the terms of vow, as relayed by reputable sources, involved Narcissa's son's safety and are thus deemed, in the eyes of Narcissa Malfoy, to be of the utmost importance. As for Professor Severus Snape, he was perfectly poised as a Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, where Narcissa's son attended, to protect the boy and thus ought to have had no qualms with the terms. However, it is important to note that even though Professor Snape was in a perfectly good position to protect Narcissa's son, Draco, as the terms of the vow dictated, he was still taking a chance in making the Unbreakable Vow.

Why was this still risky for Professor Snape?

Due to the volume of students who attend Hogwarts, it would have been impossible for Professor Snape to always keep watch on Draco Malfoy no matter how many lives were at stake. It's important to keep these details in mind when making your own Unbreakable Vow. You never know whether you will be able to completely fulfill a vow which may include "protect [this person] from all harm" and will then die because you could not complete an impossible task.

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From this, we learn that it is very important

to use phrases like "to the best of your ability" which encompasses the spirit of the vow while giving the Vow Maker a loophole in truly unavoidable situations. This is also important for the Vow Term Maker to know because a smart Vow Maker will not enter into an Unbreakable Vow ritual with you if you do not base the vow on true effort rather than results.

After all of this talk of vows and the grim fate

that awaits those oathbreakers, the best advice we can give you is to not even make the Unbreakable Vow. That's right, after all of this discussion on how to make the vow and who you need to have there and the consequences that arise from breaking the vow, we still stand here and strongly advise you to avoid the thing. There are so many other vows and oaths you can make which, if broken, end only in slight embarrassment (the Prancing Promise is a favorite of mine). The best way to think of the Unbreakable Vow is as an absolute last resort. One should never NEED the Unbreakable Vow but it is there should all other options be exhausted. Now take hold of my hand and close your eyes. That's it, just relax and forget all about vows and oaths. Now repeat after me: "I, [say your name], promise not to make an Unbreakable Vow." Did you do it? Well, if you did, you clearly weren't listening! You've just made an Unbreakable Vow! You're not allowed to ever make another one now! If you were paying attention earlier, you would know to check your arm for the affirmation marks. Since you don't have any, you'll know that this was just a scare tactic. Congratulations! You now know almost all there is to know about the Unbreakable Vow! For more information, especially regarding those potential Vow Makers and Vow Term Makers without arms, we recommend sending an owl to your closest Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. Remember, don't agree to anything unless you know all of the terms and conditions! Carefully Yours, Edna Elverine 125

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Haunting Ritual: On a full moon, write your enemy’s name in powdered snail shells on a stone floor rinsed in the blood of a rooster or a frog. Juggle three skeins of beer for 4 minutes. Then shout “malum scurram” and point your wand towards the floor. If all goes well, a poltergeist will appear and begin to haunt your enemy. Be warned, however, as if your enemy has already attempted the same ritual, the summoned poltergeist will begin to haunt you too. The Haunting Ritual was banned by the Ministry of Magic in 1693 after the prominent Head of the Beast Division was tossed over a bridge and subsequently died by a poltergeist summoned by an angry exemployee. (But really, who’s going to arrest something that’s invisible most of the time?) Hydra’s Breath: Terrify your enemies by writing their names in a mixture of powdered dragon scales and hydra blood on the side of their houses! Terrify them even further by setting their house on fire! After you finish graffitiing their walls, wait 7 months and throw a vial of hydra venom at their house (presuming they haven’t moved away) and simply scream as loudly as you can, “vis piscilus”, and their house will burst in flame, guaranteeing at the very least severe burns on the victim’s side, and the destruction of any houses nearby. Arson is fun- I mean, fundamentally dangerous. Breed-a-Cockatrice: A cockatrice is a half rooster, half crocodile, full deadly creature. Want one? Simply lay a crocodile’s egg under a hen, and put the hen on a diet of dried blood (goat or human) mixed with porridge. The egg must hatch under a full moon, so make sure you time this correctly! A cockatrice can temporarily Petrify a person, and it’s claws are laced with powerful venom which can kill a person after 10 minutes if an antidote is not properly applied. It’s basically a more portable, slightly safer basilisk, without needing to be a Parseltongue to get one. Cockatrice breeding was banned in 1796 after much legal wrangling after the 1792 Triwizard Tournament, which injured the Heads of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Beauxbatons Academy of Magic and the Durmstrang Institute, but I’m almost positive I have a contact here somewhere…

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SCOURER THREAT RESURFACING? by Mathias_Greyjoy

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long with representatives from M.A.C.U.S.A.’s (Magical Congress of the United States of America) the British Department of Magical Law Enforcement continues investigations into the vandalization of several shops in Diagon Alley in the early hours of the morning on 1 September, widely believed to be the work of Dark magic unknown.

The Ministry have so far refused to give an official statement. However, within an hour of crimes being committed, rumours began to spread from inside the ministry itself, along with credible spokesperson sources from the burgled and vandalized shops, claiming that Scourers were to blame for the damage done to local businesses. The Scourers of course, were a band of rogue wizarding mercenaries who operated in what would become the United States during the 17th century. This group formed due to the lack of any form of wizarding governance and law enforcement in the New World. They began as a combination vigilante group and bounty-hunting service, tracking down wanted criminals, and anyone for whom a reward was offered. With time, they became increasingly corrupt and their methods turned brutal, resorting to torture and murder. Eventually, they engaged in outright wizardtrafficking, and even turned innocent Muggles over to witch-hunting Puritans in exchange for gold. Some of these Scourers managed to evade being brought to justice by marrying Muggles and integrating into Muggle society. Their descendants had a profound impact on Muggle-wizard relations in the centuries that followed. Some of their descendants, such as the Barebone family, acquired an intense hatred of all things magical. What evidence exists to suggest Scourers were behind these attacks on Diagon Alley? For one, many smaller wand shops were targeted, especially those with poor magical defensive charms. The wands that these lawbreakers had access to (mainly in the store windows) were all snapped in two… A popular image that Pro-Scourers like to invoke. Secondly, nothing was stolen. Shop owners, and Ministry Wizards on-site, while acknowledging the breach, insist nothing was taken. Which seems to imply an attack of terrorism rather than thievery. Theophilus Abbot, an American wizarding historian, and relative of the British Abbot family, identified several Scourer-founded families, each of them marked by a profound belief in the existence of magic and an equally deep hatred of it. The anti-magic beliefs and activism of the Scourer descendants have been credited as the reason North American Muggles (Note: while every nationality has its own term for ‘Muggle,’ the American community uses the slang term No-Maj, short for ‘No Magic’) are often apparently "harder to fool and hoodwink on the subject of magic" than other non-magic populations. So is the the beginning of a dangerous Scourer resurgence? If so, what brings these incredibly dangerous individuals to the Isle of Britain?

129

QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT

K9's Killer Crosswords

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Answer Key

131

QUIBBLER HOROSCOPES

HOGWARTS HORROR-SCOPES Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season! CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL

TAURUS THE WEREWOLF

VIRGO THE UNICORN

(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)

(APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)

(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)

You’ll be staying in to hand out candy this Halloween, so invest in a new Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes magical mask. They change into people’s worst fears just like a boggart! You’ll cause more than one pair of wet trousers for sure.

Make sure you enter into the Gobstones tournament that takes place on Halloween! Wear a red sock on your left foot, a tea cozy on your head, and a yellow ribbon around your right pinky and you’ll go home with first prize.

Purchase the fifty pound box of milk chocolate from Honeydukes’ and give everyone who comes by the house an extra large bar. You’ll be the neighborhood hero.

AQUARIUS THE KELPIE (JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH) Make sure you’re careful when you go out the night before Halloween; all the little hellions will be running amok making mischief. Protect yourself with a Shield Charm and use the Bubble-Head Charm to avoid the smell of Dungbombs everywhere.

PISCES THE MERMAN (FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH) There is much money to be made during the fall when you can knit and sew. Start making scarves and hats for winter now and sell them for a Galleon less than what they want at Gladrags and watch the gold pour in.

ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF (MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH) Keep plenty of Blood-Flavored Lollipops on hand for your trip to Transylvania; you’ll be headed straight into the heart of the Transylvanian Vampire Convention on Halloween and those lollies will keep you safe. You will not be able to bring any garlic with you, so do not remove your scarf no matter what.

132

GEMINI THE VEELA (MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH)

LIBRA THE DRAGON (SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND)

The Muggle Spice Pumpkin Engorgement Farm is throwing their annual masquerade ball on Halloween. Dressing up as a pumpkin is your best bet to win first place in the costume contest. But forget fabric; wearing an actual pumpkin is all the rage this year!

Go directly to Flourish and Blotts and order a hundred copies of The Monster Book of Monsters (and try to ignore the shopkeeper’s complaints) to give out as party favors this Halloween. They’ll be a huge hit with all of your friends -- just keep them bound and separated during the party.

CANCER THE FIRECRAB

SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE

(JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND)

(OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST)

Your undesirable job this Halloween is to take your younger sibling trick-or-treating. To get out of this, go to the Leaky Cauldron three days prior and sit down next to the witch wearing a top hat and monocle. Talk with her for about fifteen minutes and you’ll be home free, literally; you will be stuck at home, bedridden with dragon pox.

The Quidditch match between the Ballycastle Bats and the Tutshill Tornados the day before Halloween has been sold out for weeks. The Wizarding Wireless sports channel will be giving away a pair of tickets outside of Quality Quidditch Supplies on the third Saturday of October. Show up dressed up as a bumblebee and take them home.

LEO THE SPHINX

SAGITTARIUS THE CENTAUR

(JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND)

(NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST)

Candy is dandy on Halloween, so don’t be the house that gets caught giving out apples! Bake them into a pie and go buy some Chocolate Frogs and Peppermint Toads to give to the children who will be begging at your door to avoid your house being covered in toilet paper.

Halloween costume issues? No trouble. Head to Twilfitt and Tattings with your torn costume and seven Sickles, and the witch with the magic sewing machine will be glad to fix your problem.

CLASSIFIEDS QUIBBLER

ctsFirst e p s o r P r u Reach Yo For Sale: Secondhand Firebolt

Roommate Wanted

Pet Nifflers Need Home: 2 month old Nifflers looking for a home. My Niffler, Lady Earlgrey, just gave birth to triplets! Looking for any kind soul to adopt them as we cannot afford to have any more holes dug in our house. (My mom is threatening to make Niffler Stew with radishes). If you can take all 3, that’s great! If not, any number of them is fine. All are 2 months old, two grey males (Baron and Earl) and one white female (Duchess). Extremely mild tempered and love cuddles. Interested please send owl post to 253 Little Wellington, London.

Do you have questions about your life? Your future? Your past? The ways and motives of your loved ones, or enemies? Your Destiny? All answers will be unveiled through the Wisdom and the Insight of The TAROT. Whether you want to know when, and with whom you will fall in love, or which of your enemies is plotting against you. Or perhaps you wish to know the Glories you will achieve in Life, or your shames and failures that await you. With the help of the Mystical TAROT, I, Madam Phoenix, can reveal all . Find the answers that you're looking for at 33 Diagon Ally. Directly across from The Stormcrow Inn. I'll be expecting you. Three silver sickels per Reading

OFFER: I would like to send thanks to the Quibbler for recommending the muggle treat 'Nanaimo bar' [in 'Muggle Candy Worth Traveling For, Summer '18, p. 32-7, red]. It was indeed quite delicious. Greetings from a BC-based wizard''

Strictly No Partying Allowed.

Room viewing availabile with appointments.

FREE & FOR SALE ERUMPENT FOR SALE Looks sort of like a muggle rhino, but bigger, and more prone to explosions. If interested meet me at the Hogshead on the 23rd September at 2300. Wear a Hippogriff feather on your right hand side coat lapel, I will initiate contact. Price neg. NOT FOR SALE TO YOU, HAGRID. FOR SALE: My beloved copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. I cannot keep my copy, but cannot bear to have it thrown away. Condition like new. 2 Galleons, 7 Sickles, willing to negotiate. Owl Sad Owner for more details. 133

OFFER: Quickbeam Second Hand Books is having its Annual Textbook Sale! Sale lasts from now until October 20th. We also take orders via owl.

silvertail8

Throwing a ~spooky~ Halloween party and looking for a space to rent! Abandoned castle, old barn in your backyard, or that old house you inherited from your rich grandmother, the more secluded, the better! Owner also gets an invitation (plus one) for the party. Owl me at "Party Witch“ for details.

FOUND: Charming necklace. Sings some song by this Muggle bloke, Rick Astley. Let the Quibbler Lobby staff know if you want it back. Found SunshineYellowsummertravellingcloakontheKnight Buslastmonth.Hasacopyofthe2017Fallissue QuibblerandminicopyofFantasticBeastsinthepocket. Sadlythe4Galleonsand18sicklesintheotherpocket were not found. Owl Shaun Stanpike if it’s yours.

Lost: Looking for gold necklace. Last seen in Diagon Alley on 1st August as we were celebrating Pius Thicknesse’s anniversary of his coming in to Office. He was a spy who passed on information via Aquavirius Maggots. Necklace has a shooting star pendant, made of 19k gold, about 16 inches in length. If found, please return to 1329 Carroll Avenue, London. Address to Carol AvantNew, Rewards: 1 year supply of EZ-Clean Wand Wipes (patent pending).

wiksry

LOOKING FOR:

LOST: my mind. Last seen entering a chamber of sorts with some ginger kid and his speccy, scrawny mate a decade or so ago. Reward: signed photo and my eternal gratitude. Owl Gilderoy @ Janus Thickey ward.

Flourish and Blotts is hosting the first Novice Authors Fair! Discover hidden gems from the budding authors of our local community! The Fair will be on October 24th from noon to 6pm.

CherokeePurple

Small bedroom in central London, off Vauxhall Bridge, for rent. Near Albert Enbankment in Vauxhall. Two beds in the room, one available. Couples or single guys welcomed. Apartment is predominantly male environment. Light cooking allowed.

FREE TO A GOOD HOME

by Madam Phoenix

ElphabaPfenix

REAL ESTATE

QUAFFLE FOR SALE Magically signed by World Renowned, Irish Superstar Chaser Moran! Signed just after the Irish team’s 1994 World Cup win. Slightly smudged, so looks a bit like ‘Moron’ - original seller told me this was due to Moran’s excitement with winning the World Cup. 125 Galleons for this piece of history is a bargain. Owl Gus Darwin.

OFFER: TAROT Readings

Eldis_

This individual is wanted for the forgery of Galleons and was last seen fleeing Gringotts late last night with a sack full of rubies and emeralds. Mr. Radish was confronted last night when a goblin noticed that the stack of Galleons exchanged for the rubies and emeralds were, in fact, nothing more than Leprechaun Gold. Upon hearing the accusation, Mr. Radish fled the scene while chased by one of our interns. Gringotts Bank will reward whomever apprehends Mr. Radish with half the wizard's weight in gold (no force feedings or altering charms are allowed prior to the weighing) provided that all 300 rubies and emeralds are recovered as well.

Im_Finally_Free

GRINGOTTS BANK searching for Mr. Raymond Radish ALIAS: Mr. Oops-maker

Supreme, excellent condition with little to no visible damage, stutters slightly on take off but this can be repaired for the cost of 20 Galleons by sending it to Ellerby and Spudmore. Price: 150 Galleons.

JOB OFFER: NEW BAND LOOKING FOR UKULELE PLAYER! WE ARE A CURRENTLY A 4 MAN BAND LOOKING FOR A UKULELE PLAYER FOR OUR AWESOME KIDS ROCK BAND, THE FIVE BY FIVE! WE HAVE OUR OWN ORIGINAL SONGS FOR YOU TO LEARN AND LOOK FORWARD TO ANY NEW SONGS YOU COME UP WITH IN THE BAND. ALL INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF SONGS SHALL REMAIN UNDER THE BAND’S OWNERSHIP. WE AVERAGE 5 GIGS PER WEEK, MONDAYS ARE REST DAYS. PRACTICES ARE HELD ON TUESDAYS. LOCATION TO BE DETERMINED BY WHERE WE ARE THAT WEEK. OH, DID WE MENTION WE TAKE OVERSEAS GIGS, FULL EXPENSE PAID? IF INTERESTED PLEASE REPORT TO THE HOG’S HEAD PUB, HOGSMEADE VILLAGE ON NOVEMBER 25TH FOR AUDITIONS. PERSON OF CONTACT: FAITH

DarkBlonde4

JOB OFFER: Looking For Nanny Nanny needed for three month old. Position expected to last till baby is 6 years old. Mondays to Saturdays weekly, 7am to 3pm. Basic duties like feeding, changing, cleaning are expected. Attractive remuneration package. Sundays off, nights off. Food and board provided if needed. Minimum 4 years experience needed. Prior experience with Metamorphmagus an added advantage. Especially if past experience includes finding the child when he/she has morphed in to an inanimate object and loves to hide. If interested please send application via owl to coordinates (44.4468933,-69.7392715)

Maddermaz

BUSINESS & OFFERS

Offer: Weasley's Wand Workshop Kids gone off to Hogwarts? Can’t shake off the Empty Nest feeling? Come join our Wand Work workshop. Improve your wand work and impress your kids when they return home for Christmas with our 5 simple tips to more effective spells. Duel with your husbands when they come home from work to spice up your love lives! Show your friends your new fancy wand strokes! We will show you the proper way to grip your wand for different types of spells, the way to wave your wand with flair and more for the low, low price of 6 Galleons! 12 classes over 3 weeks, that’s half a Galleon per class! Join now before it’s too late! Send application in via owl post to Wesley’s Wand Work Workshop, 12 Manchego Lane, London with your name, contact details and 6 Galleons (cash or cashier’s order accepted). Classes start the first week of December.

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LAW ENFORCEMENT REPORTS The Head of Magical Law Enforcement noted that this season, incidents were few and far in between, however were very grave. Remember to stay ever vigilant and to treat fellow Muggles with compassion. MAGICAL LAW ENFORCEMENT PATROL:

DEPARTMENT OF INTOXICATING SUBSTANCES:

◊ September 1 9:00 AM- Yearly muggle repelling charms are cast on Platform 9 ¾’s to prevent muggles from accidentally passing through.

◊ September 25 7:09 AM - Hogwarts student brews draught of living dead for a prank. Unfortunately, the draught was brewed incorrectly and student is taken to St Mungo’s.

◊ October 29 3: 45 PM - Wizarding candy made its way into muggle stores. MLE Patrol has created a marketing strategy and is calling this candy “limited” edition Halloween candy to avoid Obliviations. Maker of candy is under questioning. ◊ October 31 9:55 PM - Boy-wholived celebration gets out of hand and MLE patrol is called in to prevent disturbance to local muggle community. Several wizards have been apprehended for public intoxication.

IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC: ◊ October 25 4:09 PM - Boggart is found in muggle home that was thought to be haunted. Boggart has been moved from location. ◊ October 31 7:10 PM - Unicorn blood found in outskirts of forest. Several teams have been sent out to investigate.

DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES ◊ OCTOBER 21 2:22 AM; Muggle “policemen” had to be obliviated after wizarkhdskjhfsd ◊ OCTOBER 21 2:22 AM; Muggle “policemen”sddddddddddddddddddd ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd dddddddd ◊ OCTOBER 21 2:22 AM; Muggle “policemen” had to be obliviated after wizard caused their “fire legs” to spew g ◊ OCTOBER 21 2:22 AM; Muggle “policemen” had to be obliviated after wizard caused their “fire legs” to spew grindylow spit. Wizard was apprehended. ◊ OCTOB

The Minister of Magic and The Head of Magical Law Enforcement would like to thank the Auror Headquarters, GICAL LAW MA E OF Wizengamot Administration Services, Hit Wizards, Investigation Department, Ministry of Magic Witch Watchers, Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects, and all others that keep our world safe.

◊ October 23 5:54 PM - Teen wizard tries to modify polyjuice potion to make werewolf costume. Taken to St Mungo’s to reverse the effects.

◊ April 7 11:45AM - Group of wizards is found to be experimenting

EMENT * RC FO N

EPARTME * D NT

◊ October 31 10:03 PM - New Death Eater faction apprehended after reports of vandalism on muggle-born homes. Over 10 wizards and witches have been apprehended for possible acts of terrorism.

◊ October 1 11:55 AM - Special edition red butterbeer causes irrational anger and cowardly behavior. Product has been recalled and company has been shut down, pending investigation.

DEPARTMENT FOR THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES:

A D I VISI

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Photo wall fall

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Castles and Burrows

How to Turn Your Home into a Haunted House Author: Blxckfire

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Crafts, Hobbies, and Brews The Wand of Salazar Slytherin Author: Mathias_Greyjoy Layout: KackelDackel Wand photos: Mathias_Greyjoy Snake skin: https://wallpaper-house.com/data/out/9/ wallpaper2you_295371.jpg

Another Interview with the Wandmaker Mathias Greyjoy Author: Mathias_Greyjoy Wand Illustrations: ` Pottermore 137 137

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Pumpkin Soup Recipe Author: ElphabaPfenix

Scourer Threat Resurfacing? Author: Mathias_Greyjoy Layout: KackelDackel Illustration: Patrick Arrasmith http://www.parrasmith.com/

Dark Magic You Should Definitely Never, Ever Try, Which Is Why Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve Included Instructions On How and When to (Not) Use Them, Because It Would Be A Real Shame If You Did Author: WitchUnicorn Layout: KackelDackel

Divination

Ask Madam Starflash Contributors: ElphabaPfenix silvertail8 kemistreekat

Hogwarts Horoscope Fall 2018

Layout: KackelDackel

Author: starflashfairy

Photos: ElphabaPfenix

The Lost Chapter of the Tales of Beetle the Bard

Dark Arts

The Unbreakable Vow: Know What You Are Getting Yourself Into

Education

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Foreign Spells and Why You Should Learn Them

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A Modern Look at the Sacred Twenty Eight Author: Mathias_Greyjoy

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A Word of Warning: Muggle Schools

Avenger's Infinity War Review Author: ElphabaPfenix

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Entertainment

Grad School Musical: A Werewolf Boogaloo Author: Rysler

Layout: KackelDackel Illustrations: KackelDackel Paper texture: http://www.onlygfx.com/wp-content/ uploads/2015/11/coffee-stained-old-paper.jpg Would You Rather?

Author: Blxckfire

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Rysler's Silly Songs Author: Rysler

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She of the Glade Author: Wiksry

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An Interview with Jet Odpath Author: Wiksry

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K9's Fall Party Corner Author: k9centipede

Layout: KackelDackel Popcorn photo: http://parentingchaos.com/wp-content/ uploads/2016/01/candy-popcorn-super-bowl.jpg\ Corn cob photo: https://www.wikihow.com/images/9/93/ Make-Peanut-Butter-Bird-Food-on-a-Corn-CobStep-5.jpg Kernal jar photo: https://i5.walmartimages.com/asr/ d55cb18d-3238-48d8-a0bf-9a04629c40d2_1. 6b3480c6f7c5d8bd30da549495213892.jpeg

Trivia Crossword Fall 2019 Author: k9centipede

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Magical Plants and Creatures Rampant Animal Cruelty at Hogwarts Author: SiriuslyLoki731

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Care of Snakes: A Magical Guide to Your Non-Magical Pet Author: hufflepuffball

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Effects of Gillyweed in Merpeople Author: blxckfire

Layout: KackelDackel Merpeople illustration: https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/ harrypottercanon/images/d/d6/Merpeople.jpg/ revision/latest?cb=20160717132117 Gillyweed photo: Pottermore https://vignette.wikia.nocookie. net/harrypotter/images/a/a9/Gillyweed_ at_Harry_Potter%27s_hand.JPG/revision/ latest?cb=20091024104512 Bubble Texture: Lost and Taken

Where Do Wizards Come From? Author: blxckfire Layout: elpbit Illustration: Andydandyz\

A Guide to Choosing Your Owl Author: DescX

Layout: elpbit Barn owl photo: https://images.pexels.com/photos/105810/ pexels-photo-105810.jpeg

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Snowy owl photo: https://images.pexels.com/photos/66885/ owl-yellow-eyes-white-bird-66885.jpeg Great horned owl photo: https://images.pexels.com/photos/1272752/ pexels-photo-1272752.jpeg Barred owl photo: https://www.lvzoo.org/wp-content/ uploads/2015/11/Barred-Owl-image.jpg

Profiles in Potent Potion Parts: Dandelions Author: BottleOfAlkahest Layout: KackelDackel Dandelion photo: https://learningherbs.com/wp-content/ uploads/2017/05/dandelions-1030x687.jpg Dandelion photo 2: https://pixfeeds.com/ images/25/553018/1200-39502840-closeup-viewof-dandelion.jpg

Small Dragon Finds Owners of Bushes Author: silvertail8

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News and Features Harry is a Werewolf Author: ElphabaPfenix Layout: KackelDackel Illustration: ElphabaPfenix

Polyjuice Potion Accident Author: ElphabaPfenix Layout: KackelDackel Illustration: ElphabaPfenix 140

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The Mystery of the Vanishing Train Author: ElphabaPfenix Layout: elpbit Illustration: ElphabaPfenix

Why Vampires are Afraid of Garlic Author: ElphabaPfenix Layout: KackelDackel Illustration: KackelDackel Garlic photo: https://media.istockphoto.com/photos/ garlic-picture-id499147864?k=6&m=499147864&s =612x612&w=0&h=KGE6OQCDjmiO2tTpWqDU aySjwaH_nCVEoJSzqaq0aRc=

The Legend of the Pumpkin King Author: ElphabaPfenix Layout: KackelDackel

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Travel Muggle Candy Worth Travelling For Author: Eldis_

Tortica Photo: https://cook.fnr.sndimg.com/content/ dam/images/cook/fullset/2012/10/10/0/CC_ Pelaez-torticas-de-moron-recipe_s4x3.jpg.rend. hgtvcom.616.462.suffix/1353954541035.jpeg Arroz con Leche: https://www.comedera.com/wp-content/ uploads/2016/05/receta-de-arroz-con-leche-postrefacil.jpg Bizzocho: http://www.maggwire.com/wp-content/ uploads/2016/07/Dominican-Cake-Recipe.jpg Revolcaditas: https://mexi-land.com/_imagenes/ 88c91d29af63a228f6144471e763aa34d4a9259d.gif Canillitas: http://aceiteideal.com/wp-content/ uploads/2016/02/Canillitas-de-Leche-585x235.jpg

Where Do Wizards Come From?

Suspiro: https://www.sbs.com.au/food/sites/sbs. com.au.food/files/styles/full/public/2_Suspiro-deLimena.jpg?itok=8dShDtlf&mtime=1375988983 Sopapillas: https://toriavey.com/images/2015/06/ IMG_5991-2.jpg

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Churros: https://cdn-image.realsimple.com/sites/ default/files/styles/rs_horizontal_image_4/ public/1507314323/churros-chocolate.jpg?itok=J_8

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Author: AndyDandyz

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Are Mooncakes a Cure for Lycanthropy? Author: ElphabaPfenix Layout: KackelDackel 141

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