The Quibbler Spring 2022 by Hogwarts Quibbler

Editor-In-Chief Starflashfairy Gryffindor Managing Editor NDoraTonks Hufflepuff Managing Editor laughterislouder Ravenclaw Managing Editor Eldis_ Slytherin Managing Editor Im_Finally_Free Production Manager KackelDackel Production Assistants Anne_Seelman Permagrinfalcon 7ustine Overanxiousowl FearlessGayGeek Web-Wizard Oomps62 Executive Editor wiksry Payroll spludgiexx bribaek Art Dept Head SinsationalDoom Castles & Burrows Dept Head -Niccolo_PiccoloCrafts, Brews, & Hobbies Dept Head Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts Dept Head VinumCupio Divination Dept Head Auntieabra Education Dept Head Lyrical_Bee Entertainment Dept Head silvertail8 Fashion Dept Head XanCanStand Magical Plants & Creatures Dept Head Ukpikjuaq News & Features Dept Head TipsyTippett Sports Dept Head mylifeambitiom Travel Dept Head mrsvanchamarch

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ytodpdjebaotjeo The Editors Deskq

k s e D ’s r o t i d E e h T From The Desk of Madam Starflash Spring 2022 rs! Greetings, dearest Reade

is our first publication in n of The Quibbler! This tio edi 2 202 g rin Sp the Welcome to more proud. 2022 and we couldn’t be Production Manager, tribute to our wonderful pay to e tim s thi use to I would like ue. ided to retire after this iss KackelDackel, who has dec , as her talent is out of ible asset to The Quibbler red inc an n bee has l cke Ka kind and funny ch more than that. She is this world, but she is so mu appreciated. sitive energy have been so and her enthusiasm and po past four n Team beautifully for the She has led the Productio utiful than created has been more bea years. Every issue she has for eighll The Quibbler alive and we the last, and she has kept teen issues. edition, it was us for the Summer 2018 Kackel, when you joined excellent work. le. You’ve done so much nothing short of a mirac good luck in all ank you for everything, and You will be so missed. Th you, no matter what. ily will always be here for fam ler ibb Qu ur Yo ! ors future endeav oyed creating it! tion as much as we’ve enj edi st late the g din rea oy I hope you enj !

you May Fortune smile upon ~Madam Starflash Editor-in-Chief

An Apology and a Correction:

In The Quibbler Summer 2019 the incorrect image was published with the article The Curious Case of Qualupik by meddleofmycause. A correction and apology should've been issued in the Fall 2019 issue, but we unfortunately missed that as well. Our deepest apologies to meddleofmycause for this long overdue correction.

THE QUIBBLER: NO. 34866 SPRING 2022 THIS ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY THE HOGWARTS STAFF AT /R/THEQUIBBLER. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WIZARDING WORLD’S ALTERNATIVE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1989. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR SMALL INDEPENDENT NEWS MAGAZINE

Welcome to OUR BRAND NEW issue of the Quibbler. Below is an overview of everything you can find in this All new edition of the Quibbler! We hope you find the experience Both enlightening and entertaining! THE BIGGEST STORIES FROM THE

FRONTPAGE:

63 72 39

The Curious Case of Qualupik And a long overdue correction.

MJ Flies to the Top of the Aerie and Becomes New Head of House Soaring to new heights!

Wizcoin! What is it?

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BREAKING NEWS:

jfjsdjwfksfkljklwenjkfnzwdiewghiorndgknakflenifnsdnakhwroiuwehdnmd, Castles and Burrows. .............................. 07

News and Features.................................. 62

Crafts, Brews, and Hobbies. ................... 14

Sports. ...................................................... 77

Dark Arts................................................. 16

Travel....................................................... 79

Divination................................................ 22

Independent Art. .................................... 80

Education. ............................................... 24

Horoscopes. ............................................. 88

entertainment......................................... 31

Classifieds................................................ 91

fashion...................................................... 54

Auror Logs...............................................92

& Creatures.................... 56

Credits. .................................................... 94

magical plants

STAFF:

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Editor-In-Chief: Starflashfairy Executive Editor: wiksry Managing Editors: Im_Finally_Free, laughterislouder, NDoraTonks, Eldis_ Administration: Oomps62, spludgiexx, bribaek Layout and Design: KackelDackel, 7ustine, Anne_Seelman, Fearlessgaygeek, Overanxiousowl, Permagrinfalcon Art: Sinsational Doom Castles & Burrows: -Niccolo_ Piccolo- Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies: Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts: VinumCupio Divination: auntieabra Education: Lyrical_Bee Entertainment: silvertail8 Fashion: XanCanStand Magical Plants & Creatures: Ukpikjuaq News & Features: TipsyTippett Sports: mylifeambitiom Travel: mrsvanchamarch Contributors: Anne_Seelmann, Clariannagrindelwald, Daniel, The Heir Of Merlin, Eldis_, Iguerr, iSquash,

KackelDackel, Laughterislouder, Ljosastuar5, Lyrical_Bee, MadHatter5045, Meddleofmycause, MJenious, Neeshky, Nuhanala, RainwhalTheRavenclaw, Shadyslytherins, Silvertail8, SinsationalDoom, Starflashfairy, TaliZiva, Tipsytippett, XanCanStand

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CASTLES AND BURROWS QUIBBLER

Care for your Castle: Eldis' Top Tips for a Hygienic House:

Bathroom Edition BY ELDIS_

QUIBBLER CASTLES AND BURROWS

elcome to the second entry in the ‘Care for your Castle’-series. This time, let’s talk about bathrooms! When these places get dirty, it always feels infinitely worse, for some reason. Probably because it is such a vulnerable place? Anyway, before I dive too deep into the human psyche, my standard disclaimer: please note that this series is intended as a starting point. My cleaning strategy might not work for everyone, so feel free to adjust it as you see fit. However, many people get overwhelmed when confronted with their messy house and don't know where to start. I know not everyone is physically able or has the mental energy to constantly keep everything neat and clean. With this series, I hope to give you some sort of instruction manual that creates some direction and helps you mentally and physically chop the task of keeping your home clean into bite-sized bits. Use the articles as a red thread or support as you find your own way to keep your house a pleasant, homely place to stay.

age. I believe mine was under €100 and I use it so. often. (I have one specific window that just gets covered in condensation in the winter, so it helps for that too!) Speaking of water damage, if you have one of those heaters with the bars you can put towels on? Don't put wet towels on them. It'll only serve to make those things rusty. Hang your towels out to dry somewhere where they get more air. You can use those heaters to put your dry towel on whilst you're in the shower, so the towel will be nice and warm when you get out! Don't forget to regularly dust the bars off, otherwise your towels will get dirty before you even use them. Just use a cleaning cloth to go along the bars, it takes less than a minute.

I would, by the way, like to use this space to sing praises to the bathrobe. Specifically, those made with towel fabric. The fleece bathrobes are awful to wear after you've just gotten out of the showBack to bathrooms. Let’s start with your shower er because fleece doesn't dry you, but whoever itself. I will refer to it as the shower throughout invented a wearable towel deserves a statue. Esthis article, but the tips I give are also applicable pecially when it has a hood. This already serves to for cleaning baths. Avoiding things from getting dry you and your hair without you needing to make disgusting is always better than cleaning them any effort! If you can hang it within arm's reach of after the fact. I have previously discussed how to your shower, you can simply slip it on after turning drastically lessen hair getting stuck in your bath- off the shower and before squeegee-ing down the room drain, check out pp. 54-7 of our Summer ‘21 walls. That way you don't get cold! And it's much edition for more information. Buy a cheap squeemore convenient than wrapping a towel around gee to put in your bathroom. After you shower, use you, especially if you don't have boobs to leverit to wipe down the water on the walls of your age said wrapped towel and keep it from slipping shower cubicle. Also squeegee the water on the down and falling. It also helps against that puddle floor towards the drain! That’s already less water of water that always comes with you when you to create stains or go mouldy. Don't just throw the step out of the shower. Wash it alongside with squeegee on the floor, because otherwise it will your towels, after each use if you actively use it get mouldy, which kinda goes against the point. to dry yourself, or every 3-4 showers if you only Find a place to put it where the soft part can passively use it to dry yourself. properly dry. If your bathroom extractor fan isn’t that good at, well, extracting, consider buying a I know a lot of people have a little rug-type thing properly-sized dehumidifier. It might feel like an outside of their shower to catch the aforemenexpensive purchase for now, but I use mine every tioned puddle of water. Please throw that away. time I shower (because my bathroom doesn’t have Because yes, it does function wonderfully to catch a humidity-extraction system at all, and since it’s all the excess water, but it works even better as an old building it can’t be installed either) and it is a breeding ground for every single bacteria ever. a lot cheaper than having to replace parts of your Carefully squeeze out the extra water in your wall or shower because of permanent water-dam- hair whilst you're still in the shower (after you've 8

CASTLES AND BURROWS QUIBBLER

Photography by Eldis_ 9

QUIBBLER CASTLES AND BURROWS

Photography by Eldis_

CASTLES AND BURROWS QUIBBLER

turned the shower off, of course), that will already help fight those puddles. If you really want something to stand up because the floor is cold, I recommend using a towel, or using a specific one made out of towel fabric, but thicker. Don't forget to wash it at least once a week. Now that we're on the fun topic of germs anyway, please close your toilet lid before flushing. Flushing your toilet can contaminate surfaces up to six feet, or almost two meters away. Having the toilet lid closed at all times unless the toilet is in use also prevents pets from drinking out of the toilet bowl, and solves the eternal "lid up/lid down" debate you might have with housemates of different sex. If you close the lid, both parties will have to lift up at least one layer, which is only fair. And also hygienic. When cleaning your toilet, don't forget to clean every single bit of the lid. Even if you live in a female-only household, please lift the lower lid and clean beneath it. Trust me, I clean women's bathrooms for a living and yes, it does get disgusting under there. It's part of the 6-feet splash zone, and it shows.

cleaning cloth to clean the outside of the toilet itself. Don't miss the back and bottom of the toilet - those gather a lot of dust and dirt! Out of all things in your bathroom, I think I know which thing you most desperately want to keep clean: your toothbrush. And that's fair. Firstly, please regularly replace your toothbrush. I know you forget to do it. So do I. But please, get a new one every three months. In order to keep it protected from the previously mentioned "splash zone" of your toilet, of the shower itself and of just general bacteria in the air, you might want to consider making a protective "sock" for your toothbrush. This is also a very practical way of protecting your toothbrush when you're travelling! See the instructions on this page for more. Another thing you should replace sometimes: your shower curtain. This highly depends on your curtain itself and how it looks. You can buy very cheap shower curtains. Keep an eye on the bottom of them, if they get mouldy, buy a new one! You are allowed to replace them!

Anyway, I have yet to address how to actually clean your shower itself, so let me cease my Let me interrupt this narrative with a quick, digressions and get to it. Next time you get a new but VERY IMPORTANT PSA: Please do not mix dish brush because the one you are using is getcleaning chemicals. Or mix any chemicals at all ting too dirty (another thing to regularly replace, unless you have a degree in that sort of stuff. but we'll get to that in more detail in our upcoming If you've treated your toilet with bleach, don't kitchen episode), don't throw it away, but throw it throw in anything else (and don't use the toilet) in your shower! The same with your old toothbrush until you've flushed away the bleach first. Cerand an old iron sponge. These three instruments are incredibly helpful when cleaning your shower. tain cleaning liquids will react with each other creating toxic gasses that can cause you to lose One of the best parts of cleaning your shower, in my opinion, is that you can do it whilst showconsciousness. Not recommended. ering! There's soap, there's water, what more do you need? The dish brush works wonders to clean Bleach is your best friend when cleaning your corners, the toothbrush to get to tiny spaces (like toilet, though. Buy one of those bottles with a turn at the end of the bottle so you can easily pour inside the drain - yes, it is disgusting and yes it the liquid underneath the toilet rim. Let it soak in has to be cleaned. A toothbrush can easily reach in. Make sure you don't drop it though!) and the for 5-10 minutes, and scrub hard with the toilet brush. Some brushes have an extra smaller angled iron sponge is great for lime and other difficult to brush attached specifically for cleaning under the remove stains. Do make sure you don't damage rim. I recommend doing this at least once a month the tiles though. if you live on your own and once every two weeks if there are multiple people using the toilet. Use a 11

QUIBBLER CASTLES AND BURROWS

If you're reading this and your shower is already quite dirty, just cleaning it whilst you're showing might not cut it. You might have to take out an afternoon to properly scrub with some specialised cleaning materials. Make it fun! Put on some sea shanties to imagine yourself a sailor making the perilous journey around the Cape, yell along with ABBA as if you're opening a hotel in Greece or live your Disney Princess dreams and whistle while you work. Whichever one suits your fancy. And, of course, have a reward for yourself when you're done! Home-baked goods were the go-to for my family when we had to deep-clean our childhood bedrooms. Vacuum, clean, and mop your bathroom once a week. Don't forget to clean the walls near where you brush your teeth to get rid of toothpaste stains. Clean underneath the sink as well. If you're not the biggest fan of your own body, place your scale out of sight, so you can access it when you want, but you're not constantly reminded of it. Don't forget to clean underneath your shampoo bottles. If you use a loofah, don't forget to wash that along with your laundry too! Put it in a lingerie bag and wash it on a gentle programme. Most body scrub contains microplastics, which, over time and in combination with other regular dirt, can cause your drain to get clogged. Always have some sort of chemical unblock substance at home for emergencies. And to the love of everything, please follow the directions on the bottle. The one I use only requires 2-3 tablespoons full, and I've read reviews of people who put in more and whose pipes burst because of it, leaving them with more problems than they started. I recommend using one that doesn't need litres upon litres, and only do this when you really feel it is necessary. It is, of course, not very good for the environment. I think it's time for this edition’s speed round! Cleaning mirrors without leaving stripes is easy when you know the trick. Splash your mirror with some water (NO SOAP!), scrub annoying stains using some dry toilet paper, and use more dry toilet paper to dry the mirror. Voilà, your stripeless, spotless reflection awaits for all your lovely mirror selfies. 12

When you go do laundry, make it a habit to walk through the house to pick up any and all things that should go in the laundry, but usually don't go in the laundry basket. The hand towels next to the sink, for example. I can't tell you the number of times I turn on the laundry machine, walk to the bathroom for something or other, and see the hand towel hanging there, because I've forgotten to wash it along. If you indeed follow my toothbrush sock tutorial, then please remember to regularly wash that too. For those using liquid soap to wash your hands: buy big litre bottles of soap to refill to lessen your single-use plastic. I have covered the soap dispensers I use in stickers! It's a really fun sight. I just fill them up when they get empty, and as an added bonus, the litre bottle is cheaper than buying a new, full plastic dispenser! And although this is technically not cleaning related, I do want to share: ladies who shave: go to your nearest dollar store or your country's equivalent, and get yourself some cheap-ass shaving cream marketed toward men. It's so much easier to use than shampoo and so much cheaper than shaving cream marketed towards women (yay pink tax! Ugh). Just shave before taking a shower, it saves on water too! Don't worry about the smell: you'll shower it off later and most cheap shaving cream doesn't smell that strongly anyway. And I believe that is it for this edition! Join us next time as we explore how to keep yet another area of your home nice and clean. Your house is your castle, after all, and your royal abode should be a space where you feel safe and comfortable. See you then!

Do you only have the energy to do one single thing mentioned in this article? Squeegee the sides of your shower after every shower. It’ll prevent a lot of stains from forming.

CASTLES AND BURROWS QUIBBLER

HOW TO USE THE CLEANING SCHEDULE: This article is accompanied by the second of 6 cleaning schedules, one per area in your house. The use of this schedule is simple: print it out, put it somewhere easily accessible but out of sight (on the inside of a cupboard door, for example), and put a pen near it. Each time you wash the toothbrush cover which you can make with the tutorial, write down the ..[date].. / ..[month].. (or the other way around, for you Americans) on the dotted lines for reference, so you can keep track! For the oncea-week thing, you can just cross off the number of the week you have done this. The area marked in dark red is specifically laundry, the rest is general cleaning!

QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES

Ah, Garlic Bread. The most delicious way to figure out if that one person in your vicinity is a vampire. And ridiculously easy to make! So before Mlap bursts through my office trying to claim a piece of the cause of the entire Quibbler Tower’s strong garlic smell, let me give you the recipe. INGREDIENTS (for one bread) 125 gr flour 3gr dry instant yeast 3 gr salt 10 gr butter 80 ml water 3 cloves of garlic Optional: onion, chilli, sun-dried tomatoes, olives, oregano, coarse salt etc.

DIRECTIONS Making the dough 1. Put the flour into a mixer. On one side, put the salt, on the other yeast. 2. Pour a bit of the water onto the yeast and, using a spoon, mix the water, yeast and flour. 3. Add butter. 4. Cut a small clove into tiny pieces. Add raw. 5. Turn on the mixer at a slow speed whilst adding the water. When it forms a dough, use the spoon to scoop the dough together. 6. Mix at medium speed for about 5 minutes. When the dough spreads out too much over the bottom of the mixer, you might have to rescoop it together. The dough will be very soft, almost pourable. 7. Put the dough into an oiled bowl, cover and leave to rise for about 3 hours. The first batch of garlic is put in raw before mixing. After kneading you probably won’t see it in the dough anymore, it’s completely dissolved to spread that good garlic taste throughout. After the first rise 1. Cut two cloves of garlic into small pieces. Fry them briefly in a dry pan so they brown slightly. 2. Cut the chilli/onion/olives/sundried tomatoes/whatever else you want to add. 3. Put all in the risen dough, use your hands to mix well. The dough should be soft, but not sticky.

CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES QUIBBLER

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS

Number 2: Wedded Blitz, Lorelei’s Story “She isn’t crazy, far from it, she knew exactly what she was doing. She was literally killing me with kindness.” Lorelei Baudelaire does not look like the Lady of one of the oldest pureblood manors in the United Kingdom, in fact, on the day I meet with her at the family pile on the outskirts of Edinburgh she doesn’t even look like a witch. Sporting muggle jeans, studded boots, and a man’s dress shirt, with her short choppy hair and lip piercing, she couldn’t be further from the traditionally elegant and poised vision of modest femininity that we have come to expect from the old families. Perhaps that’s why her mother-in-law tried to murder her. “When I met Zeb I had no idea he was a Lord in Waiting. He went to Durmstrang, so our paths never crossed at school, and I spent all the holidays with my muggle parents. When we met I must have been the only witch in Europe that had no clue who he was. Maybe that’s what attracted him to me.” Lorelei shrugs, then gives a small snort of laughter. Hiking one of her knees up to rest her boot on the chaise, which looks to be antique and painfully expensive, she is the image of insouciance and I find myself smiling along with her. Indeed, it is hard to believe that back in 2004 anybody could have been ignorant of the Baudelaires. Though not technically one of the sacred 28 due to an unfortunate blip in their pedigree some three hundred years ago, the Baudelaires have long been recognised as one of the stalwarts of pureblood aristocracy, and from 2002 when Zebulon turned 17 until he wed Lorelei in 2005, his name and face graced many an eligible bachelor list in gossip magazines and society pages alike. I ask where the couple met, and am surprised by the answer. “The Leaky Cauldron. I was there with some girlfriends letting off some steam, and he was there as part of a bachelor party. I was a few drinks in and levitating a tray over to our table when he ran straight into me and I hit the deck. He picked me up and brushed me down, all posh and apologetic. I remember thinking he had a Hugh Grant kinda vibe with a Johnny Depp kinda face.” She wiggles her eyebrows at me and laughs at her own description. “Well, that was it really. For the rest of the night we completely ignored our friends. Spent the entire evening staring at each other and talking until I nearly lost my voice. It wasn’t until the next morning when my best friend floo-called me and started screaming about bagging a billionaire that I found out about all this.” She waves a hand dismissively around her, indicating the enormous drawing room lined with antiques. 16

DARK ARTS QUIBBLER “After she told me I assumed that would be it, I’d never see him again. We all know that pureblood princes don’t get into relationships with muggleborns, even though nobody is supposed to acknowledge it these days, and I wasn’t about to be anybody’s dirty little secret. Turned out I was wrong. I got an owl that afternoon inviting me out for dinner, and then everything just happened so quickly. We went out maybe six times over the next couple of weeks, and then within the month we’d declared our love for each other. We just clicked, you know? It just felt right, straight from the off. There didn’t seem to be much point hanging about. I took him to meet my parents, which was hilarious by the way, and then he invited me here to meet his mother.” Lorelei summons a house elf and requests cocktails, whilst I smile to myself at the thought of Zebulon Baudelaire making small talk with her parents in a semi-detached house in muggle England. Lorelei catches the smile and returns it, her blue eyes creasing in shared amusement. “That first time I came to the house, Anastasia was absolutely vile. She spent the entire time making thinly veiled jabs at muggles and muggleborns, never cracked a smile once, refused to shake hands with me, and when Zeb excused himself to go to the loo she offered me 1000 galleons to leave and never speak to him again. I got the feeling she was used to getting her own way, but to be honest I didn’t think much of it. I assumed she’d just, well, get over it.” Anybody who has ever met, or indeed heard of, Anastasia Baudelaire will no doubt be unsurprised to hear that she did not ‘get over it’. Though she was all smiles for the press when Zebulon and Lorelei’s relationship was first exposed in Witch Weekly after they were spotted together at a Holyhead Harpies game, behind closed doors Lorelei received a much frostier reception. Lorelei’s eyes narrow and a sly smile appears on her elfin face. “In the beginning, she just made things as difficult for us as she possibly could. When we had dates planned she would schedule in other events that he was obliged to attend so that he had to cancel on me. She would organise ‘accidental’ meetings with eligible pureblood girls whenever they left the house. If I came to the house to visit Zeb, either the gates would refuse me entry or the house elves would answer the door and tell me that Zeb declined to see me. If I somehow managed to get into the house, the corridors would change to direct me further and further away from his quarters no matter which direction I went. Some days it was funny, but at other times I could have throttled her. None of it deterred me though. “It turned nasty around six months in. She had one of the house elves put something in my tea when Zeb invited me to a family function as his guest against her wishes. Can you believe that? I don’t know what it was she spiked me with, he won’t tell me to this day, but it made me act completely out of control. I made an utter fool of myself in front of the family and visiting guests, and the next day there were some vile stories printed about me in the Prophet. Well, that was the first time I’d ever known Zeb to lose his temper, or to speak out against Anastasia. He quizzed all the elves, and when one of them confessed he took to Anastasia with a fury like you’ve never seen. He was so angry that he accidentally shattered all the windows in the orangery. He threatened to walk away from the family completely, give it all up and live with me in my tiny flat. Wouldn’t that have been something?” Lorelei lights up again at the thought, as she takes a slow sip from the straw in her drink, her numerous rings clinking against the glass. In the wedding portrait behind her, the painted figures of Lorelei and Zebulon smile at each other and share a chaste kiss. It is, perhaps, needless for me to say that Zebulon did not in fact relinquish the family fortune, though he did temporarily leave the home and stay with Lorelei. Two days passed, and then the Daily Prophet printed a retraction and apology, indicating that they had received information that their source was a jealous ex-suitor of Zebulon Baudelaire and that the story had been proven false. The same day, Anastasia Baudelaire summoned both her son and his girlfriend to the mansion for afternoon tea. 17

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS “It was like she’d had a personality transplant. All of a sudden the elves were calling me ‘Miss’ instead of ‘Mudblood’, and she was charming and polite. She apologised most sincerely for the ‘misunderstanding’ and told me I was always welcome at her home.” Lorelei rolls her eyes and takes another drink, doing away with the straw altogether. “I knew she was playing some kind of game, but Zeb was thrilled. He believed her, you see. Genuinely thought she’d had a change of heart.” For the first time since my arrival, Lorelei’s face loses the sense of youthful mischief and she looks sad. Zebulon, whilst supportive of Lorelei’s wish to speak with me for this article, has never spoken publicly about his mother or the events surrounding his relationship with Lorelei. He is, in fact, notoriously closed to the press and has chosen not to be present for our discussion. “She was lovely to me from then on. Always polite, courteous. Bought me a lovely birthday gift. Zeb was over the “moon that she’d finally accepted me. Even I started to think that maybe she genuinely had changed her mind, maybe she was willing to move past the whole blood issue for the sake of her son. We didn’t realise how wrong we were until it was almost too late.” Zebulon Baudelaire and Lorelei Simpson got engaged on Christmas Eve of 2004, a little under eleven months from their first meeting at the Leaky Cauldron. The specific details of the proposal were not released to the press, and Lorelei wishes to keep them private. The engagement was, however, formally announced in the New Year’s Day edition of the Daily Prophet and other society pages, and the couple were pictured in a formal portrait distributed to news outlets. Lorelei hands me a copy of the photograph, in which she and Zebulon can be seen sharing a kiss before Lorelei holds up her left hand to display a large and antique looking platinum engagement ring set with an onyx stone. “I was so excited. My parents were thrilled for me, and me, my mum and my friends all got together to start planning. Anastasia declined to attend when we all got together, but she wasn’t nasty about it or anything, she just said she didn’t want to impose on my big day but that she would be happy to help if we needed any guidance on the magical elements. She even offered to pay for the whole thing. Zeb said he didn’t mind what we did so long as it ended up with us married, so I pretty much had free reign. We picked a date, 16 July, and then all through January and February we were just constantly visiting dress shops and hair stylists and poring over bridal magazines. It was all so exciting but so exhausting. The thing I remember most about that time is how tired I always was. 18

DARK ARTS QUIBBLER The first time I got a hint that anything was actually wrong was at the Ministry Valentine’s Ball. I’d been fatigued the whole week, but I thought it was just that I’d been so busy with the wedding planning and a big project at work. The day of the ball I woke up and I just felt off, tired and kind of weak. I chalked it up to some kind of mild cold or flu, and spent most of the day resting, but when I got up to get dressed for the ball I put my dress on and it didn’t fit anymore. I’d only bought it a few weeks before, but now it was loose around my waist and bust. I assumed it was because I’d skipped a few meals and tried to use this tricky little charm my friend invented to get a better fit, but I couldn’t get the spell to work. In the end I just wore another dress.” Over the following weeks, Lorelei’s health began to fail. She was sleeping excessively and her appetite waned significantly causing more noticeable weight loss. She saw a number of healers throughout February and March, all of whom advised that her symptoms were likely caused by the stress of her upcoming nuptials and prescribed a variety of calming draughts to no effect. At one point, Zebulon suggested postponing the wedding, but Lorelei refused. “I was so determined to go ahead. All the planning was practically finished by the end of March and so I thought I’d probably perk up again seeing as the worst of the stressful stuff was over. I was visiting Zeb at the mansion all the time, and Anastasia would tell me how worried she was about me, and that I should be at home taking it easy. One time, around Easter, she asked me to come early to help her decorate the ballroom for an event. I thought it was weird at the time, but I went anyway so as not to cause problems. She was asking me to transfigure stones into decorative eggs, and I just couldn’t do it. My wand hand felt so heavy, and no matter how hard I concentrated the spell just wouldn’t take. I remember she was watching and smiling at me the whole time. When I gave up she told me not to worry and patted my hand, then asked a house elf to do it. At the time I thought she was being nice, but now I think she was just checking on her progress.” A shadow crosses Lorelei’s blue eyes and she gazes out of the window at the rose garden for a moment. When she speaks again she does not turn to me initially, and I wonder what she is seeing in her memory. “As time went on I felt worse and worse. I took a leave of absence from work, and spent most of my time at my flat. I stopped going to the mansion, because I was finding it difficult to apparate. Zeb started coming to me instead, and would stay over a lot. That’s when he started getting suspicious. He noticed that I was doing more and more things the muggle way. My flat was in a muggle area, and I had been working in muggle relations, so it wasn’t odd for me to do some things without magic, but he was the first person to realise that I was hardly doing anything with magic. One night he confronted me about it. He lined up a bunch of glasses on the coffee table and told me to do a different spell on each one. He had me accio the first one, which worked okay, then levitate the second, which I did but I could only hold it for a few seconds. He asked me to transfigure the third one, but I couldn’t do it. Then he asked me to cast my patronus, and I remember focusing on the memory of him proposing and starting to speak the incantation and then… nothing.” Lorelei doesn’t recall anything else because the effort of attempting to cast a patronus caused her to lose consciousness. Zebulon, unable to revive her, apparated her to St Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries where she remained in a state of unconsciousness. After three days of diagnostic tests and screens with no success, on 17 May 2005 the healers told Zebulon that there was nothing they could do. “I don’t remember any of it of course, but them giving up is what solved it. They told Zeb to say goodbye to me, and he decided to take my engagement ring. He wanted to wear it around his 19

QUIBBLER DARK ARTS neck to remember me by. The healers had tried to remove it when I’d been brought in, but it was one of those old archaic type engagement rings that shrinks to size and can only be taken off by the man who gave it. Stupid bloody practice if you ask me, but that’s how they do things in the pureblood set. Getting engaged is essentially marking your future property. Anyway, Zeb had told them to leave it on because to take it off would be indicative of a break in the engagement, but when they told him I was going to die he figured it wouldn’t matter any more. So he took it off.” Lorelei’s hospital records detail that shortly after entering her hospital room to say his goodbyes, Zebulon called for assistance. Upon removing the engagement ring he had uncovered a small circular wound, described subsequently by the healers as ‘a necrotic open lesion which leaks a black purulent fluid when pressure is applied’. Within twenty-four hours of removing the ring, Lorelei had regained consciousness, though she remained critically ill. “The first few days are all a bit foggy to be honest. They ended up bringing in a specialist healer from China, and I just remember endless hours of chanting and a lot of pink smoke. They told me later that she was using a type of ancient oriental magic that draws impurities out of the body and rebalances something or other in your system. Whatever she was doing, I think she pretty much saved my life.” Zebulon Baudelaire, however, was not witness to this extraordinary magic as he was being detained by the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, who had been contacted by the St Mungo’s team. Under questioning Zebulon explained that the engagement ring had been a gift from his mother after he advised her of his intention to propose. The DMLE files detail Zebulon’s recollection that when he expressed doubt, as he did not feel the ring was Lorelei’s style, and requested a different one his mother was very insistent that it must be that particular ring as it was ‘tradition’. Anastasia Baudelaire was subsequently arrested at the Baudelaire mansion in the early hours of 20 May 2005, but to date has refused to give any statement. After four weeks of treatment, at the end of June 2005 Lorelei was released from St Mungos. Whilst she had made a full physical recovery, Lorelei was unable to perform magic without losing consciousness and she therefore moved back in with her muggle parents. Lorelei flushes when recalling her future husband’s response to the situation. “I offered to break off the engagement, but Zeb wouldn’t hear of it. He struggled so much with the guilt of giving me the ring, and I thought that might be why he was staying, but then when I 20

DARK ARTS QUIBBLER brought it up he was insistent that he loved me regardless, and said that he had more than enough magic for the both of us.” The wedding went ahead as planned in July 2005 whilst Anastasia was on remand awaiting trial for attempted murder and posession of dangerous dark artefacts. The ring was later studied by eminent curse breaker Geraint Wickersmith who testified at Anastasia Baudelaire’s trial. On examination of the jewellery he discovered an inscription on the base of the stone, hitherto hidden by the setting; “Tu prends ce qui est à moi, je prends ce qui est toi” (You take what is mine, I take what is you). His analysis indicated that the stone of the ring had been imbued and cast with an old blood magic and held a powerful curse. When worn, the ring contracted to fit the bearer and almost imperceptibly pierced the skin of the finger. If the blood beneath did not belong to a Baudelaire, vengeful, malevolent magic would slowly but continuously seep into the bearer and would first dilute, and then ultimately eradicate the bearer’s magical core, causing death. At trial, Anastasia Baudelaire initially presented a defence that she had been unaware that the ring held a curse, however a search of the mansion uncovered correspondence between Baudelaire and her late husband’s sister, Veronique Sokolov, in which the women discussed how best to remove the threat to the Baudelaire line and Sokolov suggested using the ring, which had been in storage at Gringotts. Following the presentation of this evidence Baudelaire changed her plea to guilty and was given a life sentence in Azkaban. A warrant for Sokolov’s arrest as an accessory remains live, however, she has not entered the UK since the early 2000s and the UK does not have an extradition treaty with Russia. As we reach the end of the story, and the end of our cocktails, Lorelei’s face regains the mischievous grin that marked the start of our discussion. “You know what tickles me? She hated me for my heritage, but it was the fact that I’m muggleborn that allowed me to survive. At the trial one of the healers said that typically with these kinds of things when a person’s magic is killed off they go with it. Their best guess for why I survived is that being magical isn’t the core of my identity. I was, to all intents and purposes, a muggle until I was eleven, and then I’ve always had as much of a life in the muggle world as the magical world. Magic was a big part of who I was, but it didn’t define me, and it simply never occurred to the prejudiced old bag that anything could be more central to somebody’s identity than their magic.” Over several years of treatment under the curse damage team at St Mungo’s Lorelei has regained some of her magical ability, though she will never again be able to perform complex magic. She advises me with a smile that as long as she can apparate or can summon things when she doesn’t want to move, she doesn’t really mind, and having seen how at ease she is I believe her. As our interview concludes, I ask Lorelei the same question I ask all of my interviewees. I ask her how she has been marked by the dark. She says nothing in response but removes her wedding ring, an unusually thick gold band, and reaches out her hand for me to take. Wrapped around her ring finger is a magical tattoo, a reminder. Golden words flow around a deep black circular scar and glint in the fading light of the afternoon. “The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief.”

by u/neeshky Layout and illustration by 7ustine

QUIBBLER DIVINATION

Do YOU have burning questions for our resident Seer and fairy, Madam Starflash? Got yourself in a relationship with a Vampire and don’t know if it’s going to work out? Debating on using a love potion on your biggest crush? Have a bully you’d love to get rid of? Don’t hesitate to ask! Madam Starflash ALWAYS has the right answer for you! Contact her in Divination Tower at /r/TheQuibbler now with your desperate questions!

DIVINATION QUIBBLER

k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash,

Dear Madam Starflash,

I borrowed a broom from my neighbor last month, and I was a bit late in giving it back. When I finally did, he muttered something to me that I didn’t catch. Ever since then I've been feeling super tired, very stressed, and a little nauseous. Did he curse me? How can I make it right so I feel better again?

I am a fifth-year student. There is going to be a huge duel between a few students of my House and a few others. Some of them are my best friends. I am fairly confident in both of their abilities, and I believe they’ll be able to win the duel. I want to stop this, though, and end this in peaceful manners at all costs, without taking the matter to the Hogwarts faculty. To summarize, I want my friends to keep all their limbs attached. Can you predict ways by which the duel could end without bloodshed or expulsion?

Sincerely, I. L. L. Will. Dearest Will, You have not been cursed. Your neighbor did curse, as he said something quite impolite under his breath, but it’s best that I don’t repeat what he said here. Polite company and all that. You should, however, get yourself to St. Mungo’s as soon as you possibly can, as you seem to have picked up that nasty Coronavirus on your journey with the borrowed broomstick. Please be sure to wear a mask. Oh, and kindly let your neighbor know you have contracted the virus because you have infected him as well. May Fortune smile upon you!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Madam Starflash, Recently my partner and I bought a lovely little cottage. Once we moved in, we realized that there is a rather active ghoul in the attic. To begin with, both my partner and I found it to be obnoxiously loud, and we were trying to get rid of it. My partner is an Auror and often goes away for weeks on missions. Because of this, I have grown used to the ghoul, as at least I know I'm not totally alone in the house. My partner is still dead set on getting rid of it. What do I do?

Sincerely, A Frightened Friend Dearest Friend, You need not worry at all. Your friends, though perfectly capable of dueling spellwork, are just as frightened as you are. I See that they all intend to feign injuries and illnesses to get out of the duel. In fact, if you wish to help them out, put out a rush owl order to Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes. Get a few Skiving Snackboxes and hand them around so they can fake it more effectively. May Fortune smile upon you! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Madam Starflash, I love Duolingo; to brag a bit, my humble streak is currently 286! But sometimes, when it’s time to do my daily Duolingo lesson, I feel demotivated and tired. What advice do you have to not have your energy run completely out before the day is over, and never miss an appointment with the Green Owl?

Alona Lott

Sincerely, Language Learner

Dearest Alona,

Dearest Learner,

Well, you may want to choose to let this ghoul’s presence be your hill to die upon; your partner intends to run away with the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement next weekend anyway. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Feel free to take out a personal ad in the next edition of The Quibbler!

I See you’re another who has been caught under the spell of the Duolingo Owl. My advice is to quit cold turkey and consider another means of learning new languages, a more magical one, perhaps? Or any other way, because quite frankly that Owl is dangerous. He’s actually an Animagus who has cursed that “app” to control Muggle electronic devices. That Owl has not only mentally enslaved millions of unsuspecting Muggles and “bugged” their mobile phones with a listening device that causes things called “targeted advertisements”, but he has also broken into more homes than I can count with a knife. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

May Fortune smile upon you!

k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm 23

QUIBBLER EDUCATION

A Letter to an Editor– by XanCanStand

Layout and illustration by 7ustine

EDUCATION QUIBBLER

It has recently come to my attention that the esteemed educator Dolores Umbridge did not return to Hogwarts this year, neither as the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor nor as the school’s High Inquisitor. As a parent, allow me to take this opportunity to thank her for the hard work she put in last year to bring Hogwarts, the only school of magic available to the children of this nation, back to the standard we all expect of this distinguished institution. I understand the role she took on was not a popular one, but it was necessary to provide oversight to guarantee best practices at Hogwarts. So I was even more disappointed to learn that the position of High Inquisitor has not been refilled, and it seems that the Ministry is abandoning its campaign of educational reform. I had hoped that this misstep was attributable to the transition of administrations and merely temporary, but it is becoming clear to me that Rufus Scrimgeour intends to go back to the way things were, allowing Hogwarts to have complete autonomy over how it teaches our children. This is a grave error. I’m afraid that Albus Dumbledore’s tenure as Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has shifted from ‘eccentric’ to ‘misguided’. This is a man who will always be known in my mind as the greatest wizard of our age. But it cannot be denied that his age is continuing to increase, and at some point retirement is inevitable. Rumors are that Professor Dumbledore recently received a grievous injury to one of his hands, and yet I’ve heard no discussion on how much longer he can continue serving as Headmaster or how many of his responsibilities may have been passed onto others to do or even abandoned entirely. I get it that no one is comfortable broaching the subject, but this is too important to let lie. Even the legendary must diminish, though their legacy lives on. What will the legacy of Albus Dumbledore be? His position there has always given Hogwarts an undeniable amount of prestige. People always liked to know they were sending their kids off to learn from the most gifted wizard alive. I always found it odd, therefore, that Professor Dumbledore doesn’t teach. It seems a real shame that no students actually get access to his mind and abilities, that they might stand on his giant shoulders and have the chance to become the next great witch or wizard of their age. Looking back now, that strikes me as a needless loss. Perhaps Professor Dumbledore was unable to commit to a class schedule due to dedicating his time elsewhere. All I can say is, I wish he were devoting that time to increasing the value of a Hogwarts education for its attendees. Apparently though, Professor Dumbledore has other concerns. It has been noted that the man is more often than not absent from the school. Where he goes and what he does, nobody seems to know, but I certainly don’t see how one can run Hogwarts effectively and correctly from outside its walls. I’ve heard some defenders say he is working towards defeating He Who Must Not Be Named. That is an admirable goal, and I wish him success if that is so. I believe the Ministry could use all the help it can get with this war effort. They would most likely be very glad to give him an important position there. Because that is how you help. You must pick one or the other. You can’t be deserting your post to go fight He Who Must Not Be Named; you then end up part-time at both. Even in these dark times, especially in these dark times, we must keep in mind what is most important. We can’t allow our community’s future to slip from our grasp while we are the stewards of it, and in order to ensure that that future is passed on to the next generation, whole and undiminished, we must ensure that they can become stewards of it as well. The protection, discipline and magical proficiency of our children are paramount. But while Professor Dumbledore’s focus is split, he will prioritize some things above helping his pupils become capable and ready witches and wizards.

QUIBBLER EDUCATION

The staff of Hogwarts does not come up to snuff. There are still a few benchmark professors at our beloved alma mater, but they are now the exception, not the rule. One of Dolores Umbridge’s chief goals as High Inquisitor was to improve teaching standards and to change the curriculum where necessary. The area she found to be most lacking was Divination, and she planned to remove the elective entirely. No great loss there. It is well known that Seers are not made, they are born. However much of prognostication can be learned without a natural gift for it is debatable. I believe Professor Dumbledore himself has spoken negatively on the subject. So why is it that this year there are TWO members of staff teaching Divination classes at Hogwarts? This seems most absurd. There isn't a better use to which the budget can be put? What value does this class add to a student’s education, how does it improve a child's chances at securing the future that they want? This is the sticking place. What lies ahead can only be guessed at, and so one must be prepared for any eventuality to have hope of success. Hogwarts stands to teach our young and impressionable sons and daughters about the gifts they possess, about the many branches of magic available to them, and to allow them to pursue expertise in any of them, to confidently take any path ahead of them. Is this not the case? The administration of Hogwarts that Professor Dumbledore has assembled is limiting the career options for its students by not maintaining any teaching standards. This comes in part from the split focus I mentioned. Professor Dumbledore is using his hiring power as Headmaster as a tool in his chess game with He Who Must Not Be Named. His staff must play the role of soldiers in addition to educators, and one of those functions is secondary. For many years, Severus Snape has taught Potions at Hogwarts. During that time, his behavior has been characterized as terrifying and abusive, both in and outside of the classroom. Even if one were to ignore past allegations of his being a Dark wizard, it is clear he has no place working with children. He has no qualities that make for a good professor other than an understanding of the material. There is more to teaching than that. But because he is a trusted advisor of Professor Dumbledore, he continues to be housed and paid by Hogwarts and kept at a job that actively does harm to its students. This is unacceptable. On top of this, Professor Snape sets the absurdly high bar for his N.E.W.T. classes at only accepting those who get an Outstanding in their O.W.L. Thus only a handful of Hogwarts students can continue to learn about potions in their final two years there, the result being very few graduates enter the job market with the skills necessary for important occupations such as Auror or Potions Master. This is a looming problem, one not limited to potioneering. Many

EDUCATION QUIBBLER

N.E.W.T. classes bar students from joining them even with a passing O.W.L. grade, all at the professor’s discretion. Why are so many future prospects for students being winnowed down before they even come of age? And it doesn’t stop there. Another of Professor Dumbledore’s nepotistic hirings is Rubeus Hagrid, the Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts and close friend to the Headmaster. He was given the position of Care of Magical Creatures professor a few years ago. Like Professor Snape, Professor Hagrid seems to be an expert in his field. However, due to a lack of confidence and teaching experience, he is apparently unable to impart these skills to his students. He also has little regard for the safety of novices when they interact with dangerous beasts, which must be the top priority of any instructor there since that will always be a constant potential hazard in that class. I have come to understand that there are currently no students taking Care of Magical Creatures at the N.E.W.T. level, owing to a lack of interest in the subject as it is taught by Professor Hagrid. The same has been true for years with History of Magic. Cuthbert Binns is a ghost and teaches his subject in the same way without deviation: he recites the facts and figures of history in monotone without pause. Students could get the same thing from just reading their textbooks, except you can put a bookmark in those when you need a break. That’s not teaching. If it were, we wouldn’t need Hogwarts when we have Flourish & Blotts. By all means let Professor Binns keep haunting his classroom, but don’t keep making students sit in there with him. It makes no difference to him but would make all the difference to them to go to a different room with an actual professor who will answer their questions and engage with them on this subject. As it stands now Hogwarts is no longer producing potioneers, magizoologists or magical historians and that simply cannot be allowed to continue. The last subject suffering from low standards, and the most important one now as ever, is Defense Against the Dark Arts. This one has been the problem the public has been aware of for the longest. No professor has held the post for more than a year for ages now. As such, there is no dependability with how this class is taught or what aspects of DADA are emphasized or ignored. And so students leave Hogwarts with a very spotty grasp on this vital branch of magic. The ‘jinx’ on this office is fairly undeniable at this point. And so, if this is the way things are, why can’t it be anticipated and dealt with in some way? If not undone, at least mitigated? Stop permitting the new professor of the year to breeze in with free agency to run the classroom however they see fit. Set up a strict structure of what curriculum will be taught, regardless of who is doing the teaching. Plus, start taking in applications continuously. If you know the job opening will be there in June, you should be interviewing for the next DADA professor in January! And I cannot stress this enough: find candidates who have, first and foremost, the ability to teach. As it should be with all of these professors. Mastery of a subject is all well and good, but that does not equate to being able to convey that knowledge to young minds which are developing and struggling and all different in their own way. Teaching is a difficult task. And one that is critical. The broomstick we’re flying on is drifting towards a dark stormcloud, and this cannot be ignored. Hogwarts requires correction. It needs a new direction. And it needs it now. A golden age may be passing for the school, but there is no need or expectation that Hogwarts should join Albus Dumbledore in his journey towards twilight. I would very much like to know how the Ministry of Magic and the Board of Governors plan to save our children from this grim fate.

– A Concerned Parent 27

QUIBBLER EDUCATION The Snake and the Lion began their quest to build a school alongside the Raven and Badger and made many a great stride. Godric and Salazar's love grew and the Elder Wand for the first and only time since decided that it had two masters. The reality of it all is that Salazar had a view we all view as abhorrent, one of only pure blood. Godric was nothing if not someone believing that the bravery required to go from muggle to wizard deserved a chance. Over time this thorn in the Lion's paw grew until he could no longer bear it. The love he once felt for Salazar had turned into hatred. By Ra’s R. Rasserson

ello, my wizarding friends. Today is the time I tell a tale not commonly known by our wizarding world. The founders are beloved by all, but perhaps two were loved by one another. Now I know you’ve all read the scandals of Helga and Godric but BEWARE THE FALSEHOOD. I am here today to tell you of another love, the love of the courageous and the cunning, ambitious and chivalrous, the love of friends turned enemies: Godric and Salazar. The Lovers began their romance as many do in their youth, Godric and Salazar were friends who one day realized they had a common goal: build a school where people like them would be safe from the Muggles who had hunted them. We have to give Godric his due, no better a duelist with either wand or sword existed in his era. However, there was a reason for this: he had a sword stolen from the Goblins and a Wand won from death himself, which brings us to the Elder Wand. The Elder Wand, last wielded, as we know, by the Chosen One himself, has had a long history of powerful wizard and witch wielders. Similarly to another past wielder - the great Albus Dumbledore and his suspected ex-partner Grindelwald - Salazar and Godric began their love on a hunt for this hallow. They had a famous duel to decide who would wield the Elder Wand, and the Wand, with its magic, chose Godric, as he would wield it fairly but with great power.

Yet the Elder Wand left one more gift to Salazar: a child of his and Godric's kin, what they had wanted, a true Master of Death. Salazar, defeated by his friend, fled to the United States with the child, trying to raise the child only for the child to fall ill to a magical curse given to it by the one true master of the Elder Wand. Godric’s price for power, a price he never knew he paid. As the child fell ill, Salazar realized the folly of his ways. Perhaps Helga or Rowena could have helped him save their child or perhaps the other father, Godric. But no, the child was to die. Salazar the Great and Powerful was unable to save the only child he had left. This caused Salazar to lose all the love he had for a pureblooded society. He lost all love he had for magic and life itself, he was a cold shell, a skin the snake had long shed, the deathly hollowing, to put it bluntly. Salazar lived the rest of his life angry, bitter and alone waiting for the end to take him; he snapped his own wand and buried it. The legendary snapped snakewood wand buried lay dormant for a generation until they say Godric joined his true love in death and the wand began to stir miraculously. A Mighty tree grew and Salazar never knew that he had accomplished the goal of his and his love. Ilvermorny alumni will know this very tree well as it stands on the grounds of Ilvermorny as a testament to all being lost only to eventually find itself again. This concludes a correction of the history of magic you learned in school. Stay Cunning and Courageous and may your love never be clouded by foolish bigotry.

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Artwork by silvertail8 29

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Thereʼs something about the Wizarding World that captured the mind, hearts, and imaginations of people all over the world in a way that we donʼt see all too often. I am old enough to have been around when the fandom really began. Grown men and women reading the versions with the ʻgrown-upʼ covers on their morning commutes, kids dressing up in robes and drawing scars on their foreheads, people of all ages (me included) queueing up at Waterstones at midnight to get our hands on the last piece of the puzzle, The Deathly Hallows. I stayed up all night reading that book. I read it cover to cover in one sitting, and though the sun had long since risen and my eyes were aching I simply couldnʼt get enough. I gasped through ʻThe Seven Pottersʼ, I seethed through ʻThe Muggle-Born Registration Committeeʼ, I cried through ʻThe Forest, Againʼ, I exalted at ʻThe Flaw in the Planʼ, I frowned disapprovingly through ʻEpilogue: Nineteen Years Laterʼ, and then when I finally closed the book I was hit with a sense of grief. It was finished. There would be no new tales of triumph, no more night time wanderings through the hallowed halls of Hogwarts. I had read all there was to be read, and there would never be more. Over the years since I have read the series again more times than I can count, I even tried the play that shall not be named, but I could never recapture the true delight of escapism that I felt the first time. I know it too well. I know all the secret passages we were shown, all the spells Harry learned. All the shocks are no longer shocking, the surprises no longer surprising. So whatʼs a girl to do? I had never really considered fanfiction. I knew it existed, knew it was popular, but I never sought it out for myself until one day when I was feeling awful and went to instinctively retreat back to the comfort of The Philosopherʼs Stone. Something stopped me. I wanted the familiarity, but I also wanted to truly escape. I needed a new adventure. I needed fanfic. Now, call me naive, but I thought this would be simple. I thought I could just google ʻHarry Potter Fanfictionʼ and Iʼd be presented with a few stories to choose from. Google seemed rather keen that I try a website called ʻArchive of Our Ownʼ and so I headed there blindly to peruse their selection, expecting maybe a hundred or so options. How wrong I was. As of the date of writing, Archive of Our Own, or AO3 as I came to know it, has no less than three hundred and forty four thousand five hundred and forty fanfictions tagged as ʻHarry Potter - J.K. Rowlingʼ. THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY FOUR THOUSAND. The world of fanfic has pushed and prodded and stretched the boundaries and limits of the HP universe to lengths I would never have conceived possible. There are historical AU (alternate universe), Voldemort wins AU, fics set at Hogwarts, fics set at the Ministry, fics set during an extended wizarding war. There are muggle AU, marauders era stories… if you can think of it somebody has probably written it. These fics take what JK 31

QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT gave us and run with it, with new spells, potions, characters, creatures and settings right alongside the things we loved from the originals. These stories vary in length from ʻoneshotsʼ of a few hundred words up to epics of three hundred thousand words and up. The quality of the stories varies massively, but I was very pleasantly surprised to find that there are a huge number of pieces that are truly wonderfully written. Indeed, a number of well known fanfic authors have gone on to publish original works. It is clear that fanfic authors put a significant amount of time and energy and love into these projects.

In addition to these helpful acronyms, authors tag their own fics with a dazzling array of tags including such beauties as “Albus Dumbledore being an a*****e” and “James is scared of angry Sirius”, along with the always promising “the author regrets nothing” and the gung ho sentiment of “no beta, we die like men”. Some fics have tag lists so long theyʼre almost a novella in themselves. Mixed in amongst the character name tags and the tags about the general mood of the fic (ʻfluffʼ, anyone?), are trigger warnings and key information about the themes of the fic to help you decide if you want to read on. “Dark!”, for example, means that there will likely be a lot of unpleasantness occurring. Unfortunately, as quickly as you learn these things they change again (not a lemon to be found these days). The language, like the fandom and the fics that they create, keeps growing and morphing and adapting and changing, and it can be hard to keep track.

“The shippers are at WAR, and they take no prisoners.”

So, where to start? Luckily for me, AO3 helps poor, old, technologically imparied folk like me to sift through this litany of literature by providing filters. I quickly learned that you can filter and search by different categories and tags. Some of them are pretty self-explanatory and standard, but on further inspection I found that fanfic has a language all of its own, and it was a language I didnʼt speak. Acronyms and abbreviations are everywhere, be it OC (original character), OOC (out of character), IC (in character), or my personal favourite EWE (Epilogue, what epilogue?). It might be a WIP (work in progress), an acronym that I sadly didnʼt discover the meaning of until after I read nearly one hundred and fifty thousand words of one story just to find that it ended abruptly with no resolution. It had, as I found out to my sorrow, been ʻabandonedʼ prior to completion many years before.

Along with the tags, are the ʻtropesʼ. Essentially themes of the story, these vary from ʻMarriage Lawʼ, where unlikely characters are forced to get married to ensure wizarding population increases, ʻSoul bondingʼ, which is similar to marriage law, ʻEighth Yearʼ, where the characters we know return to Hogwarts post-war, various magical creature tropes such as Veela and Werewolf, where characters discover that one among them is not fully human, and hundreds of others.

The other thing you notice really, really quickly is a heavy focus on ʻshipsʼ. Never in my life have I seen so many questionable portmanteaus. Hinny (Harry and Ginny), Dramione (Draco and Hermione), Romione (Ron and Hermione), Drarry (Draco and Harry), and the unwittingly hilarious Snack (Snape and Black). Theyʼre not all portmanteaus though, oh no, there are also such treats as Wolfstar (Remus and Sirius) Harmony (Harry and Hermione) and Snufflepuff (Sirius and Cedric). It seems that the fanfic writers and readers are far more focused on romantic, and at times not so romantic, relationships than the childish larks and death defying adventures that we followed in the original series, and be warned - with ships come shippers.

Artwork by 7ustine

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Some Days Some days my thoughts taste like iron and they weigh me down. I hold you holding me together and together we hold on as the floor gives way and drags us under. Safe here. In a place that exists in a space that befits us. Though we cannot touch the bricks and mortar belonging flows through me like water and I know that another day is coming. Another day is coming and I will wake up. My body breathes without me as I dawdle but your spectre thrusts me forward. Keeps me moving. Some days my mind sounds like cymbals and it drowns me out. Your associated noises turn me into music and you play my song as though you wrote it, as though I were a symphony. hear you hearing me cry and we are here together in a place where I can hold my hands up and say “I’m not okay”. Though we cannot change the world we see I sense that you are here with me and I know that I am not alone. I am not alone in this quest to find out where my soul is supposed to be. For your passion strides beside me, holds my hand. Some days my brain smells like sulphur and it burns me up, but you give smoke to my fire, make patterns in the air. You deflect the heat, and I know that we will be okay. Some day.

by u/neeshky

Layout by 7ustine

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Article by iguerr Artwork by Anne_Seelmann

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ERICA’S CORNER

a.k.a The Downfall Of My Mental Stability

My First Article

Hello! It’s a new year, and with that comes a new start for everyone! You might not have seen me before, so let me introduce myself. I’m Erica, and I’m a half-blood who lives on the more modern side! I decided to write here because I’m bored, and I also need some more pocket money. I really want a certain purple-haired character before the 2.5 update is over, and I lost my half-tohalf ratioed chance with scrapes to spare.

Image from Freepik

I guess this article will just be me introducing myself then. I like writing, reading, drawing, video editing, singing and listening to music, so I might share some of my stuff produced from my hobbies. I actually have submitted an independent artwork onto The Quibbler before, it’s in the Summer 2021 edition! Keep an eye out for the rainbow bean while rereading it! I really really really like purple too, and at the time of writing the Apple event has just come out of the oven a few hours ago, and

the purple iPad Air looks really nice! I swear the colour purple is going to be the death of me*cries* I’ll be bouncing off now, see you next issue! I hope that my mental health doesn’t spiral down again! -Erica, still upset about losing 50/50 to the ripoff Liyue Raiden (Postnote: My friends keep rubbing their winning-Raiden-made salt into my wounds. I am seriously considering sending a surprise to them..) Written by u/RainwhalTheRavenclaw

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A Rendezvous with night

opened the door that leads me out To see that the night was already here She took me in her arms, and whispered gently She meant no harm, I need not fear How could I not fear? How could I trust her? For her darkness masks the day The horrors of her presence alone Were enough to send me astray She said she came to talk to me For she saw me shed a tear I knew I needed a friend to talk to And I could not find anyone near We sat underneath a leafless tree And talked for hours at a stretch We shared our aches and sorrows And all the joyful memories we could fetch We talked about our broken hearts And about the efforts that were in vain We talked about the beauty of love And how it is pointless without the pain As her time to leave approached, I wished For our rendezvous not to end She got up to leave, but with a smile For we both had made a friend.

Art by TaliZiva

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Afraid and hesitant, one word at a time I asked if all of it was true? The tales and the stories we’ve heard Passed over by generations through Her smile had dropped, her aura dimmed I must have said something She took off, flew around a while And came back with an elegant ring The ring belonged to her partner: the Day Who she longs for and loves on Who leaves every day as duty calls And only meets her at dusk and dawn Slowly she spoke, with a tear in her eye Masking the day cannot be an act of mine I’ve been longing only for his presence Since the very beginning of time Gently I gave her a hug And whispered that the day was here The only thing that vanished faster than her Was that shiny drop of tear

by shadyslytherins

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PaPer MayheM - Part 2 By Eldis_

Okay, so the Rowenalis Lazuli has been properly dealt with, Mr. Zearing truly is a lovely man. So kind. So handsome. Such dreamy eyes….Wait, what was I doing? Oh yes, I was being nosy and curious and looking at all the random scattered notes of my colleagues in the Quibbler Tower I accidentally summoned. The ones we looked at last time (Fall ‘21, pp. 83-5) were quite interesting, wouldn’t you say? Well, there is much more to look at, so time to see what my colleagues have been up to…

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Art by Eldis_

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I Love Encanto By Bee

!! SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE ENCANTO BELOW !! It’s New Year's day - 11:27 pm to be exact - and I have just finished watching Disney’s Encanto. AND HOT DAMN DO I LOVE THIS MOVIE! Goodness gracious me-oh-my is this movie good! There are so many good points, ideas, and themes swirling around all at once that they all have to be named! Listed! What have you! Though, I know you’re wondering just how exactly my brain began whirling with these absolute nuggets of truth, huh? Well, don’t just stand there! Sit down, kick up your heels, and let’s dive right into it! The conversaUon began when my friend responded to my earlier message about Abuela and their reply was: ‘Grandma was the worst.’ By the Ume my friend replied, I was near the end of the movie, so I had witnessed all the upturned tables, ruffled feathers, and the mashed bananas! It was then that I menUoned that I understood Abuela. They agreed, but said it didn’t excuse her behavior or how she treated her family. And that was when the pin dropped. (Lookin’ out for you Dolores Madrigal.) I, of course, agreed, because they were right. How Abuela treated her family and their gi[s brought more stress and pain that she either didn’t realize or refused to see. But what I did appreciate is, unlike most toxic parental figures, Abeula understood her errors, acknowledged them, and learned from them. Which in all honesty I like, because it isn't too o[en that toxic parental figures acknowledge what they have done wrong to their children and family generaUon. I believe that lesson - Abeula's lesson - is very important in both black and PoCs' (people of color) communiUes. My friend agreed, but to them there was a problem in the movie’s plot that bugged them. They believed that Abuela got off far too easily. They liked that she acknowledged the wrongs she had done, but her years of accidental abuse seemed instantly forgoèn. Truthfully speaking, I do see where they are coming from and it does make sense. For the last twenty or thirty minutes or so, the Madrigal family seemed to be a family again. Do I believe more could have been done during Mirabel and Abuela’s climacUc arc? Do I feel a li`le bit more could have been done where the family disregarded Bruno’s existence and acknowledged that? Yes, absolutely. So much more could have been given; but for a movie that was an hour and a li`le over forty-five minutes, they have done enough. In this movie - although people of all ages and all walks of life can enjoy it - the main demographic in mind was children and young adolescents. Taking that into consideraUon, the team had to put all they could into the Umeframe given for this movie. Not only that, but when one receives a chance to get through to an abusive parental figure - intended or not - it's going to feel.. anU-climaUc. There's the heart to heart (or maybe mulUple), a[er that, the parental figure and ones involved in the abuse will then start working towards beèring the relaUonship and healing. It's not known how long it will take, but agreeably so it's not going to happen as quickly as Hollywood movie portrayal. Stories like that usually tend to work in that formula - it all depends on whether or not the consumer feels it has been done well or not if the amount of Ume given Ued up all the loose ends, etc. That being said, there is a lot le[ unsaid about the family Madrigal a[er that. I know healing doesn't happen that quickly and obviously, older audiences know healing doesn't happen that quickly, though, to a child or young adolescent, they may not know that right now. I do believe that children should be aware that healing takes Ume, though a movie that is an hour and forty-five minutes will not do that. These movies are made to take us to point A, to B, to C, and someUmes D. Which isn't necessarily a problem to me, because even though the movies are for all, I know the movie's intended audience. These movies are made so they can be easily digested, but not in a way to give the child the answer or make the child feel unintelligent. I do believe that there are and will be other media - some even made from Disney - that will help fill in the gaps to help them understand and realize that healing is a lot longer than a mere twenty or thirty minutes.

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While I am on the topic of healing, I’d like to touch on the scene between Mirabel and Abeula as well. My friend also voiced their dislike on how Mirabel was the first to apologize to Abuela, despite the treatment she dealt with throughout the movie, which I agree with, though I also feel there was a reason for that as well. I believe it was written that Mirabel apologized first because she felt it was her fault - which I disagree, this happening was unavoidable, but at that time and moment, she felt that because she pried and because she was 'trying to be someone she is not,' the house fell apart. We (the audience) did not know at that moment that Abuela felt remorse. We did not know at that moment that what Mirabel said hit home to her and she gave it genuine thought. It is true that the point still could have been made clear if she apologized first, though, at that moment, we were experiencing Mirabel’s remorse. It made sense that the focus was on her. From how the events unfolded and the 'consequences' that followed, she genuinely felt she was the one at fault - she was in Bruno's vision after all. In the end, it’s understandable how Mirabel felt she should have apologized the moment she knew Abuela was near. It’s a very real situation that I’m certain many young adolescents and teens (and maybe young adults) alike can understand. I do wish that Abuela was the one to apologize first though. It’s redundant in the media that we see children apologizing for mistakes that originally had nothing to do with them. The adults should be the ones apologizing first because they were in the wrong in the first place. In Encanto, the themes are multidimensional, and I believe that was the story’s purpose. So anyone from any age group has something to learn from it. For the younger audience, its focus is being okay with who you are and not what you provide for your family and if I may even go as far to say - to society. That children and young adolescents are enough by just being. They don't have to be perfect or have to have great gifts (or talents), because that does not make them who they are. They are who they are because they simply are. That your worth isn’t anything less if you are a little quirky and weird. For older audiences who may have children, it shows that we shouldn't push children so hard. We should be proud of them because they are doing their best. To bear in mind the consequences of pushing our young ones too hard and the possibility of succumbing to societal pressure of ‘not being good enough.’ And an overall theme, regardless of who we are: You're never truly ever alone. Somewhere out there, someone is on your side, whether we realize it or not. The movie portrays this beautifully when the townspeople come to help the Madrigal family repair their home. They had no expectations for the town to help rebuild their home, but they did it because they wanted to, and to show the Madrigal family they were not alone. I absolutely loved that. I also loved that there was a small period when the Madrigal family didn't know what was going to happen in the future. But what they did know is that they understood each other better, and, through that, they grew closer and stronger as a family. Sure, one may argue that it happened a little too quickly, but I whole-heartedly believe if these messages can reach people when they need it most, then steps needed or rather the courage to move forward can and will happen. Regardless of how long it will take.

Art by LaughterisLouder

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Now, wherever you are Be in the present Don't let the ghost of the past Or the memories of your past mistakes Haunt you And spoil the moments you have yet to live Now, wherever you are Be present With yourself Don't let your mind wander unaccompanied Our minds are like our inner child They can easily get lost if left alone Take its hand Keep it in a safe place Now, wherever you are Mourn the lost ones Feel the grief, feel the pain Feel the sadness Feel the longing For it is in those moments Feeling those feelings That we cherish their stay in our life It is unfortunate that their stay Was so brief and is already over But for as long as we remember them And hold them dearly next to our hearts They'll live Now, wherever you are I hope you are not feeling alone Or maybe feeling alone is part of the longing, the sadness, the pain and the grief In that case, feel it, for as long as you don't believe it Whenever you are Be it in a good place, or in a bad place Or in an uncertain place, when you don't know yourself where you are and what's going on When your mind is playing tricks on you Know that I'm with you, and I'll always be with you Your pain will be my pain, your sadness will be my sadness I'll help you carry it So the weight won't be too heavy Because no matter what, I'll always be with you Now, wherever you are

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(WRITTEN BY KACKELDACKEL)

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In Memoriam: Mr T, a beloved Gryffindor cat by nuhanala

Mr T

10 March 2007 - 17 February 2022 From 10 March 2007 to 17 February 2022, a small corner of this planet was graced by the presence of a genuinely sweet and loving cat. I believe he also brought a little joy to the Gryffindor tower, where he lived with me towards the end of his life and where he certainly earned his place with his Gryff personality. Mr T’s bravery manifested in small things, such as not shying away from the hoover or New Year’s fireworks and always strutting to greet strangers at the door. It also showed in the way he immediately and unhesitantly accepted me as his new companion back in 2013, and how he saved my life. He will be lovingly missed by me, his brother Mr W, and friends. Goodbye Mr T, my sweet little lion. Here is a poem to express my love for you.

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How You Live On I do not know about souls and gods and I may not believe in heaven and hell. It could be that dust is all you now are and now exist solely in my memories. But you taught me so much about unconditional love, about kindness and courage. You showed me what it means to be unassuming and forgiving. You left behind this legacy that I will let bloom in me into something beautiful. No matter where you now are or aren’t, I believe you are left behind in this intangible bond we shared, and I believe a part of you will always live on in these lessons you instilled in me, in this unbreakable love you surrendered to me through the paw print left on my heart, the gentle weight of which I memorised and will go on cherishing all through till the end of my own time.

Photos by nuhanala

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A Walking Skeleton Might Not Always Be a Bad Omen By iguerr

“What is this?” She asked sternly. The younger one answered. “What do you mean? It’s to protect us,” she said. “Do you really…” The woman began to say, but gave up. She knew it was no good to rationalize with that one. “I told her it was no good to us, but of course she wouldn’t listen.” “Stop!” She pleaded. “It’ll get sad! And you’re being mean with our protector!” “Jvj, sweetheart, you know creatures can’t understand human language. Besides, I don’t sense any power coming from it.” “But this one can understand, it’s very smart, you know! It was playing with us when we found it, it pretended to be very big and mean! We were super scared, Jta and I were.” “I was not that scared!” Jta protested. “Yes, you were!” Jvj insisted. “Were not!” “Okay, okay, girls. Why don’t you tell me how it happened? I did my part of the agreement, see? I prepared the fire. Now let us sit near it and you can tell me what happened.” The girls were walking in unsure yet firm steps. Not exactly scared by the shadowy surroundings of the forest, but being careful, of course. They knew better than to just wander about carelessly in that place, even if they weren’t leaving the limits 58

of the protections their Mbae had set in place. They trusted their power and ability and knew they should be safe within the radius of her protections. But there was just something about the atmosphere of that place that just made one be on edge all the time. No surprise the mortals were so afraid of it. The girls walked on. Jvj, despite being the younger sister, was very brave and never asked her sister to go ahead, or take a peek first, or anything like that. She’d always face things and jump headfirst in adventures. Her sister, Jta, was not a coward, but she was more careful and was usually the type to stand guard in situations like that, so she was behind, to keep an eye on anything who could be following them. Jvj stepped on a twig, breaking it. The sound seemed to expand for miles in the absolute silence that was pervaded among the trees. Jvj heard her sister shudder behind her. “It was just me, don’t worry,” she whispered over her shoulder, not turning totally to look back so she wouldn’t lose sight of what was ahead. She thought she could see a light ahead. “There,” she said, “I see a light there, looks like there’s a clearing right ahead.” “Be careful, go slow,” her sister said, quivering in her voice. “I am, let’s go.”

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They arrived at the edge of the clearing. There were tons and tons of fireflies flying freely around the space, making it all receive a glowing light that contrasted completely the darkness of the forest. “Jvnje!” Jta called. “Look at that!” Jvj was about to answer when her sister gasped frightened and, stepping back, tripped and fell, with a little shriek. “We have to run, we have to get back, it’s a monster!” Her sister screamed from the floor. “That was not how it went!” Jta protested. “What I said was simply ‘we have to go,’ meaning ‘we have to go hide, so we could see what the thing was.” “Okay, whatever, anyway,” made Jvj. “We have to hide, it’s a monster!” Her sister screamed from the floor, pointing to the shadow that formed on the earth ahead and got bigger and bigger. “I did not say it was a monster!” Jta protested again. “Yes, you did!” “I didn’t say it was a monster, I said ‘do you see that, it could be a monster.’” “We have to hide. Do you see that? It could be a monster!” Her sister screamed from the floor, pointing to the shadow that formed on the earth ahead and got bigger and bigger. jvj quickly and diligently helped her sister up and they hurried to behind a big tree, from where they could see the scene develop in the clearing while remaining unseen. The shadow elongated into the clearing, slicing the yellow-glowing green grass with a dark-as-the-nightitself shadow. But the shadow wasn’t one single strand of darkness – it had holes in it, spots where the light remained. That’s when Jvj realized. “Bones,” she whispered. “It’s a skeleton.” Her sister gave a little scream of horror. The quiver is her voice more present yet.

“I did not scream!” “You did. Maybe you didn’t even realize.” “Mbae!” Jta pleaded for the authority figure to come to her defence. The woman complied. “Jvj, be faithful to the facts, will you?” “Okay, but she did scream a little,” the younger girl said, not much interested in further discussing this, she wanted to go on with the story. The shadow entered further and further into the clearing. Jvj could see it now, the shape of it. The fireflies swarmed the creature as if they were attracted by it and flew around it, making it hard to figure out what it was; their light also made the shadow disappear for a moment. The creature shook its body and the fireflies went back to their free flight pattern, leaving the creature alone and revealing its image to the two girls. “It’s a horse! Jta, it’s a horse! But only the skeleton.” The horse had entered the clearing and was now engaging in chasing after the fireflies, shaking its boney body and making a clickity-clackity sound. “Is it over?” The girl’s Mbae asked, after the young girl’s pause. The girl nodded. “Okay, so my turn,” the older girl said. The girls were walking slowly because it was dark, it would be imprudent to go running about in a forest, the only thing you’d achieve with that was tripping on a root and falling face-first to the dirty ground. The older sister offered to have the rear and keep guard at any movement behind their backs. She was taller and had a better sense of the surroundings; being attentive to everything around her was an ability she had that others usually lacked. The girls weren’t afraid because they knew that being inside the protections of their Mbae they were safe from ill-intended spirits, and any wild creature that showed up could be dealt with, in the 59

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worst scenario, by flight. So they went on firmly until they saw a light up ahead, that revealed a clearing. The older sister, who had a better earreach, could already hear a faint clickity-clackity sound coming from the clearing’s direction. “Oh, you could not!” Jvj protested. “Yes, I did. It was very faint, but I did.” “Why didn’t you say anything, then?” “Because it was very faint, I didn’t want to startle you.” “I don’t believe you for a second.” “You don’t need to believe me, that’s the truth.” The older sister affirmed sternly. “Besides, you’d be scared and say we should go back.” “Would not! I’m less easily frightened than you!” “Nonsense, of course not. But shush, now, be quiet and let me continue.” As the shadow crossed the grounds of the clearing and the fireflies swarmed over the creature, the older sister knew they needed not worry. That creature seemed to be having a hard enough time with harmless fireflies, so the two of them would be more than capable of dealing with it if it noticed their presence and became aggressive. After a couple of minutes of watching the horse click-clack around with the fireflies, it became clear to the older sister that they would spend the whole night behind that tree if it depended on the creature to discover them. So, judging it better to make a move and let whatever was going to happen, happen, she said, “Let’s go,” and started to walk towards the clearing. “Wait, didn’t you say it could be a monster?” The younger sister asked, scared. “It’s nothing we can’t deal with, let’s go.” She approached the edge of the clearing and stepped into it, receiving the golden glow upon herself. The horse creature noticed her there and in a sudden move stopped playing with the fireflies, turned to her and stood 60

frozen in an expectant stance. The girl could hear her younger sister gasp behind her. “I did not gasp,” Jvj said resolutely. “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am! I didn’t.” “I could swear I heard it.” “I didn’t!” “Okay, okay.” The girl could swear she heard her younger sister gasp with anticipation behind her. Jta stood on her two feet, her arms along her body, only a little bit raised as he opened them to give the creature a clear view of her chest. That, as was universally known, was the way of communicating to creatures that you mean no harm. Once this move is done, you need to wait for their response; it was positive – the horse pushed the ground with its front legs and stood only on its hind legs. That way, its belly –or what would be the belly, had it any flesh– got exposed, the most sensitive part of its body, signalling the vow of trust. It could also be seen as the creature imitating the posture, which also signalled trust. The girl gave one more step into the clearing, the horse got back down to its four legs and back to playing with the fireflies. As the two girls approached it, it quieted down to let them get near. “Oh, isn’t it beautiful!” Jvj said, patting its skull. “It’s a sack of bones,” Jta commented, to which the horse shook its head and looked down. “Oh, no, you made it sad! Don’t say those things! Here horsey-horsey, don’t mind her.” Incredibly, that seemed to work and the horse got cheerful again, it shook its tail, producing the clickity-clackity sound even louder. “We need to go back now, it’s already been too long,” the older girl told her sister. “Oh, let’s take it with us!” She pleaded.

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“It won’t help us. Not even to scare other creatures off, it doesn’t emanate any threat power. And as if taking this as a cue, as the younger sister said “Don’t you want to come with us horsey-horsey?,” the horse shook its whole body and then the girls felt it. A quite strong threat power. “See! I knew it! It’s great to protect us, it’ll shoo everyone away, they’ll get scared and leave us alone. Let’s keep it!” Even the older sister had to admit that the power emanated was quite strong and that being able to hide it was an impressive ability; one that she had never seen a creature have. Once the girls beckoned to the way they had come from and began walking, the horse quickly understood and followed suit, clickiting-clackiting behind them. As if understanding that the story had come to an end, the horse began to shake its tail, making all the three figures look at it. “And now what do we do with it? Does it eat?” The Mbae asked. “I don’t think it does,” Jta said. “At least I do agree it can be helpful to protect us.” And as if the word “protect” had triggered it, the horse got up and, still shaking its tail, seemed to invite the three humans to follow it into the forest. After putting the fire down, they did. After walking for a little while into the woods, all three of them shook and shivered. “What’s that?” Jta asked, alarmed. The horse shook its tail vehemently, not in the same manner it had been shaking it, not out of excitement, but as if using it to ring something. A little ahead of them, the two girls and the woman saw something that resembled a house, but not quite. More like a makeshift fortress. Of the same white-yellowish color of their hose guide. A fortress

made of bones. And as their guide shook its tail with vehemence, they spotted other white-yellowish figures getting out of the fortress and the threat energy they had been kicked with lessening. Not vanishing totally, but lessening like someone letting their guard down, but not throwing the sword to the ground entirely. “See! I knew it! It’ll give us shelter for the night! I told you!” “No, you didn’t,” Jta rolled her eyes. “I did say it would help protect us.” Jta couldn’t refute this. “Mbae,” she whispered instead. “Hm?” “Those are bones… what if it wants our bones?” “Forest creatures don’t eat humans, dear, especially non-mortals, our flesh wouldn’t taste anything like what they usually like to eat.” The woman and the older girl were in a mix of being careful and hesitant about the offer of shelter and being so tired that they welcomed it gladly while the younger girl’s eyes shone radiant at the sight, as if, where her sister and Mbae saw a makeshift bone fortress, she saw a marble castle.

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A Long Overdue Correction Dear Readers, It has been brought to our attention that an awful mistake has occurred and we are going to set it right at last. In the Summer 2019 edition of The Quibbler, a beloved staff member and wonderful writer, /u/meddleofmycause, created an excellent article, titled “The Curious Case of Qualupik”. It was meant to be paired with an AMAZING photo of Denali, which you will find on the front cover of this issue. Sadly, a glitch in our system prevented this from occurring. The beautiful photo, taken by Meddle herself, was mistakenly misplaced and a stock image was provided in its stead. Since this time, we have issued other corrections and this error, which we take full responsibility for, has not been rectified. It’s time that we fix this, and I would like to present our reprinting of “The Curious Case of Qualupik” with its proper artwork, and offer full apologies to Meddle.

Meddle, I am SO sorry this happened. I want you to know that your work is so appreciated. Your writing is terrific. You should not ever have been made to feel that your artwork wasn’t good enough, because everything you create is so much better than good. It’s FANTASTIC. This photo is incredible, and the fact that you went so far out of your way to take it is above and beyond anything anyone could ever ask. We want to honor it properly now, and I can only say that I regret that it took so long for us to do so. I do not expect forgiveness, but I hope this at least makes things a little better. Love, Star ------------------------------------------------------------Meddle, I would also like to offer my sincerest apologies. This shouldn’t have happened once, let alone multiple times. As production manager it’s my job to pay attention to the details and present all articles as the authors intended, but unfortunately due to my own carelessness I overlooked your artwork not once, but twice. I deeply regret the hurt I have caused. I know it doesn’t change what happened, but we have created a better system for reporting and logging mistakes which will hopefully prevent this from happening again. Thank you for all the wonderful contributions you’ve made to The Quibbler. Best wishes, Kackel ------------------------------------------------------------Meddle, I really want to start off by not only apologizing, but also letting you know that what happened? Well, it sucked. I actually remember you submitting this image. I remember it because we didn’t really have a system in place at the time for if someone submitted a writing piece and had it marked for not needing artwork, and then later changed their mind. It’s something we fixed after that issue, and I had made a note.

I didn’t check. I didn’t go to make sure that your image was included, and as the Art Director? I failed you. One of the things that I’ve been trying to get more of for the last year is photography. I absolutely love photography and I feel like it’s something that’s not represented enough in The Quibbler, and I was hoping that photo would help pave the way for other photographers to submit pieces. With something like that, something that was important to both of us, I should have ensured it made it in. I regret that I didn’t. I regret that not only did it make it in once, but it happened multiple times. Not having it built into our system isn’t an excuse. Spreadsheets will change, update, and things will get wonky. We can do everything to help modify the spreadsheet, as it very much is a constantly changing entity, but communication errors are easily rectified by simply having a conversation. While I can’t undo the past issues, it has helped ensure that it doesn’t happen again. The spreadsheet has been modified and updated in countless ways to ensure better communication between the departments. We’re all active on discord, which has afforded for easier communication there as well. This has shown us where we were weakest in handling new situations, and I like to think we’ve stepped up. We have more checks and balances now, and it’s something that we wouldn’t have had otherwise. It’s unfair that it was you that this happened to, it’s unfair that it happened at all, but we’re doing what we can to ensure it never happens to anyone again. Your work is always appreciated. Your photography is wonderful. I love that you went above and beyond to provide such a lovely photo that should have been showcased properly. I hope this helps. With adoration, Sin

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The Curious Case of Qualupik by MeddleofmyCause

laska is the northernmost state of the United States of America; a wild land known for cold, darkness, and bears randomly jumping out at runners to eat them. Though many muggles have found their way to Alaska (including the highest concentration of muggle mass-murderers in the world!) Most Wizards have not thought of making Alaska their vacation destination. The Wizarding village of Qualupik, Alaska would like to change that! The Quibbler was invited by Qualupik mayor, Clint Koornet, to visit the remote village located in the middle of Denali National Park this January. With only 100 residents during winter, Qualupik is one of the smallest wizarding villages in the world. The village is almost impossible to access by muggle means, keeping it well-concealed along the back of the McKinley River. Though the average temperature in the nearest city of Fairbanks during the month of January is -15° Fahrenheit, and the sun is only up in the sky for two hours a day, this reporter thought “What the heck,” and hopped the nearest international Portkey to the frozen wasteland. After going through customs and then taking another portkey into Qualupik, the first noticeable thing was the complete lack of frostbite! In fact, though the temperature in nearby Fairbanks was in the -40° 's, Qualupik was in the high 80's. And though the Sun hadn’t even risen above the Arctic Circle for 2019 yet, Qualupik had 14 hours of artificial sunlight, with an hour-long sunrise and sunset. The village truly

felt like a tropical escape in the middle of one of the harshest winter climates on earth. I was greeted by Mayor Koornet at city hall, who handed me a pina colada and helped me remove my parka and mukluks that I had picked up in the Alaskan hub of Anchorage, in anticipation for a snowy arrival. After I had removed my extra layers, I was treated to an exciting tour of the town. The residents of Qualupik are predominately of Athabascan heritage, which was very apparent through the tour. Most of the buildings were made of logs, with moss roofs atop them. Though never in my life did I think I would see women walking around in moose-hide bikinis, that’s exactly what I saw in Qualupik, made in the traditional Athabascan way and beaded with love and magic. Most of the village are homes - but they do have a tribal hall where most village events take place, a small chapel, a hotel, a store, and a water park. The hotel and water park are located slightly to the left of the main village but are still built in the traditional Athabascan way. I had the honor of meeting Granny Shirley - one of the village elders, who teaches traditional magic to the children of the village. “Now-adays, most children go on to learn magic at Ilvermorny, but I make sure that when they come home to Alaska they have the opportunity to learn the traditional magic as well. During the winter, the village is just the elders and some adults, but in the summer this village is overrun with children and laughter and fun. This is the place for children to learn about their heritage

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Photo by Meddleofmycause

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and the magic that runs through their blood. Children from all over Alaska end up in this village, whether their family comes from Steven’s Village or Houslia, all magical Alaskan children are given a way back to their heritage in Qualupik.” I sat with Granny Shirley as she showed me some traditional Alaskan beadwork, including a lovely Parka with beaver-trim. When I asked why they would need a parka in such a warm place, she laughed and informed me that Qualupik had not always been the tropical land that I saw around me. In fact, a mere 11 winters ago Qualupik was in the -70°'s for an entire week straight. When asked what had caused such a dramatic change, Granny Shirley instructed me to go seek out the Mayor and ask him. So after getting another pina colada, away I went. The Mayor had his office in the tribal hall, and the chairs were made of a soft birch wood. At 32, Mayor Koornet was nothing like who I expected a mayor to be. He lounged around in moose-hide shorts with a long sinew and bead necklace around his neck. His long black hair was loosely braided, and his flip-flops were made of moose-hide and sinew. His wand-holster at his side looked like it could easily conceal a dagger, and at the end of his wand was a carved raven. He looked like a combination of a war chief ready to lead his tribe into battle and a surfer about to catch the next big wave; his personality entirely matched his clothing. The Mayor told me about growing up in Alaska, an area which works hard to keep their native traditions alive. The children of Qualupik came from all the villages of interior Alaska, and when they received their Ilvermorny letters they would begin to spend their winters away at school and their summers away at Qualupik; mostly only visiting their home villages for a couple of weeks three times a year. In some ways, the children become more connected to their roots, learning the native Alaskan magic that was harnessed without wands. Mayor Koornet spoke about warming charms as an example; how they learn to

harness them, use them, and imbue them into their clothing. When asked about the warming charms used in the city, Mayor Koornet spoke about tapping into the underground hot springs, pulling the heat from the earth’s crusts and bringing it to ground level. “You don’t understand how hard it is living in Qualupik during winter. Traditionally, Alaskans live in family units. The families are very close here in the winter, spending their time indoors telling stories and singing songs, but when the children are sent away to boarding school it's still too cold to go out and hunt or fish. The adults were getting depressed. We decided to fix it. Some heating charms were used and suddenly the children leaving isn’t traumatic, because we get to stay in our beach resort. It’s really helped bring the community together.” When asked about the climbing temperatures around the world and the fact that the state has seen a severe weather change in the past few years, Mayor Koornet was quick to discount the heating charms as a cause. “The muggles are very clear that pollution and the burning of fossil fuels is causing global warming, not a few wizards changing the temperature in the Arctic.” Though the mayor seems sure that global warming has nothing to do with the village of Qualupik, this reporter would like to remind our readers that multiple scientists have come out against excessive heating charms, and no science has been able to account for why the glaciers are melting at such an alarming rate. A quick trip to the water park and my time at Qualupik was at an end. Though the village is a unique and interesting place to visit, the remote nature and inability to go more than ten miles from the city without hitting below freezing temperatures is a bit of a drawback. Still, I would highly recommend that anyone who wants a real Alaskan experience without waiting for summer or dealing with the cold or bears should go and visit Qualupik.

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66Art by laughterislouder

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SQUASH RETIRES: An Eagle-Eyed View from Her Time on the Top

“Eldis! You’re here! Sorry for the mess, packing is always I’m pleased to realise that such a bother.” I’m not as out of breath when arriving at the Knocker as I “Don’t worry about it, I feared I would be. Don’t let should’ve paid more atStar know, but the bazillion tention,” I say, as I get up stairs in the Quibbler Tower and dust myself off. “How might come in handy after all. are you?” Apparently it does keep you energised, who knew. The “I’m doing OK! Want to take riddle that greets me is short, a–” Squash falters as she sweet and simple, exactly looks around the absolute what I like. Also exactly what mess of boxes. “I would love confirms my pending theory to offer you a seat but I fear that the Knocker knows when that won’t be comfortable you’ve already proven your- at the moment. Shall we go self worthy of Ravenclaw. down to the common room and find a spot there?” As I enter the Head of House’s office, I immediate- That is something I can only ly trip over a box and almost agree with. It is really nice faceplant onto another box, to settle back into the combut Squash’s quick spell work fortable couches on the soft, saves me from what would magically kept clean carpets. have been a quite painful At Squash’s request, two start of this interview. I abso- house-elves pop up and delutely adore Madam Pomfrey, liver a large pot of tea and but the poor woman has had a plate of cookies. “You had to patch me up often enough. some questions?” - Eldis_ and iSquash

“Yes! After news broke that you would retire – and no, I’m not at all bitter about the Daily Prophet claiming that bit of information first, and no, you shouldn’t at all be worried about undiluted Bubotuber Pus in your mail, I simply knew I had to interview you about your time as Head of House.” I pretend I don’t see Squash cast a quick spell on her tea to check its contents as I continue. “I am sure you have many stories to tell! And many boxes to pack, of course. Shall we begin?” Taking a careful sip of her tea, Squash nods. Q: “Do you remember how you got introduced to the wizarding world?” A: “I remember I was about 8 years old and we were in one of those small shopping mall bookstores. I always judged books by the cover and the synopsis on the back. I found my little kid bean-bag chair, found a few contender books, and then picked up Harry Potter and immediately became invested.” Q: “Looks like ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ is not always the right advice! How did you know you were a Ravenclaw?” A: “I really love to learn and read. Trying new things excites me. I enjoy taking eclectic classes to this day!”

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Q: “Ah, that does sound Ravenclaw-y indeed. And that also explains why I saw you in some of my classes even when you had already graduated. When did you get started as Head of House? How did that come to be?” A: “I started out in Ravenclaw around 2015 or 2016. My first interaction with Ravenclaw was the Slytherin interhouse Cards Against Humanity competition. This was way back in the days of IRC. I met Oomps and Penultima for the first time and fell in love with the tower. Over the months my participation in the sub grew, and I had even been elected Prefect a few times. A few years ago on Christmas Eve, events transpired, which eventually led to my bffl DancingonFire to become Head of House of Ravenclaw. People asked me if I would have any interest in being Head Human, and so I accepted and ran my small mini-campaign. I was elected and worked with Dancing for…” Squash squints, staring into nothingness for a second before continuing. “Two to three years? Before she decided to retire. She trusted the tower to me, and I hope I did her proud.”

Q: “If your amazing work didn’t make her proud, I have no idea what on earth could. Can you describe the development of the sub during your ‘reign’? Were there any drastic changes?” A: “I feel like the tower really found our rhythm and jam. The community has grown a lot in this past year! We found a structure that worked for us, and really worked together towards the house cup. Even though we didn’t win, I really think we developed a fun positive culture.” Q: “You served during the pandemic. Was there a significant surge in people trying to find an online community at /r/ravenclaw?”

Q: “That is wonderful to hear. You did become our mom more and more as time went on, and I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say we really love you too. What is your favourite change you introduced to this crazy family?” A: “I don’t think I’ve made any changes without the help of our wonderful teammates. I am so incredibly proud of our interhouse [see pp. 57-61 of our Fall 2021 edition, red.]. It was a team effort, with a lot of it from Kev, and it was just so fun to plan and play! It will go down forever in history!”

Of course, Squash would be too humble to take any credit for herself. Although it is difficult to pinpoint the exact reasons why, Ravenclaw house has become a much A: “I wouldn’t say 2021 saw tighter-knit group in the past any more traffic than usual, years. The constant banter, but we did experience an in- inside jokes and laughter that flux in 2020.” surrounds us as students hang out in the common Q: “That does make room during our interview is sense. Could you share proof of that. I grab another your favourite part about cookie before continuing the your position?” interview. A: “The ability to serve my Q: “And then the main community,” Squash smiles. question I think everyone “I know this sounds corny!” is asking: Why are you reshe says, holding up her tiring?” hands in defence. “But it is true. I really love Ravenclaw A: “I’m old. I’m tired. I don’t Tower and the little family want to have responsibility or we’ve made.” work on a timeline. I’m that old lady from the ‘’it’s been 84 years’’...”

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“You don’t look a day over 27, Squash!” I interrupt. Squash laughs and flips her hair. “Thanks, Eldis. You always know how to make someone feel better. But no, seriously. I also believe it was time for me to go. There should really be elections for Head of House every like, two years or so. Allow at least a chance for new people to take the reigns. Keep it fresh, you know? And seriously, I’m tired.” Q: “That sounds very sensible, I am very much looking forward to the new things MJ will bring. But will you still be somewhat involved backstage, or are you fully rinsing your hands of this lot?” I ask, as I nod my head at a couple of Eagles who have gotten into a fierce debate about the existence of Jupiter. A: “No, you can’t get rid of me that easily! I will still be helping moderate the main sub and will help MJ wherever she needs it.” Q: “Speaking of MJ, what do you think of her as a replacement?”

Q: “I fully agree with that. Do you have a message for her?” Squash clears her throat and sits up straight before declaring, in a professional voice, A: “✩ 🎀 𝐵𝑒𝓎𝒷𝓁𝒶𝒹𝑒, 𝐵𝑒𝓎𝒷𝓁𝒶𝒹𝑒 𝐿𝐸𝒯 𝐼𝒯 𝑅𝐼𝒫❣ 𝐿𝑒𝓉𝓈 𝐹𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉 𝒶𝓃 𝑒𝓅𝒾𝒸 𝐵𝒶𝓉𝓉𝓁𝑒, 𝐹𝒶𝒸𝑒 🍑𝒻𝒻, 𝒶𝓃𝒹 𝓈𝓅𝒾𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝑀𝑒𝓉𝒶𝓁, 𝒩😍 𝓉𝒾𝓂𝑒 𝒻🌸𝓇 𝒹😍𝓊𝒷𝓉 𝓃🍪𝓌, 𝓃💮 𝓅𝓁𝒶𝒸𝑒 𝒻💙𝓇 𝒷𝒶𝒸𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒹🌺𝓌𝓃. 𝐵𝑒𝓎𝒷𝓁𝒶𝒹𝑒 𝐵𝑒𝓎𝒷𝓁𝒶𝒹𝑒 𝐿𝑒𝓉 𝒾𝓉 𝑅𝒾𝓅❣ 𝐵𝑒𝓎𝒷𝓁𝒶𝒹𝑒 𝐵𝑒𝓎𝒷𝓁𝒶𝒹𝑒 𝐿𝑒𝓉 𝒾𝓉 𝑅𝒾𝓅❢ 𝒮𝓅𝒾𝓃 𝓃❁𝓌 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒷𝑒𝓎 𝓃💙𝓌, 𝒷𝓇𝒾𝓃𝑔 💍𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓅❁𝓌𝑒𝓇❢ 𝑅𝒾𝑔𝒽𝓉 𝓉💮 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓉🍑𝓅 𝓎𝑒𝒶𝒽, 𝒲𝑒’𝓇𝑒 𝓃𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝑔𝒾𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓊𝓅❢❢ 𝐻𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝒸🍬𝓂𝑒𝓈 𝐻𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝒸☯𝓂𝑒𝓈... 𝑀𝑒𝓉𝒶𝓁 𝐹𝓊𝓈𝒾😍𝓃❢ 𝐿𝑒𝓉𝓈 𝑔☯ 𝐵𝑒𝓎𝒷𝓁𝒶𝒹𝑒 𝐿𝑒𝓉 𝒾𝓉 𝑅𝒾𝓅❣ 𝑀𝑒𝓉𝒶𝓁 𝐹𝓊𝓈𝒾☯𝓃, 𝐿𝑒𝓉 𝒾𝓉 𝓇𝒾𝓅… 𝐵𝑒𝓎𝒷𝓁𝒶𝒹𝑒, 𝐵𝑒𝓎𝒷𝓁𝒶𝒹𝑒 𝐿𝑒𝓉 𝒾𝓉 𝓇𝒾𝓅, 𝒯𝒽𝒾𝓈 𝒾𝓈 𝒾𝓉, 𝒢𝑒𝓉 𝒶 𝑔𝓇𝒾𝓅, 𝐿𝐸𝒯 𝐼𝒯 𝑅𝐼𝒫❢ 🎀 ✩”

And that is my cue to remind you, my dear reader, that ‘’submitting to the Quibbler’’ is included in ‘’participate in our events’’! It is what got me the Prefect position, after all. After handing out some discount codes for the Quibbler to some of the students in the common room, leaving behind a stack of our most recent edition and holding a little requirement speech, I descend down the many many stairs that lead up to Ravenclaw Tower. Although Squash surely deserves to enjoy her retirement, I’m sure the Eagles will miss her leadership. I have personally experienced her kind, motherly, caring nature, and saw it still intact before I left the Tower, when she gave the rest of the cookies to a student I hadn’t noticed who had been studying for way too long. Ravenclaw house is forever grateful for her leadership.

Q: “Wise words, wise words. And any words of advice for all our young readers out there, who are still attending Hogwarts and are dreaming of one day becoming Head of their Houses?”

A: “I have no doubt in my brain and soul that MJ will do A: “Get involved! Join our a phenomenal job.” discords! Participate in our events! The options are endless.”

QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

MJ Flies to the Top of the Aerie & Becomes New Head of House - Eldis_ and MJenious

I’ve had enough time to properly settle into my booth at The Three Boomsticks before MJ comes running in, out of breath when she sits down in front of me. “I am so sorry!” she apologises. “I got tied up at Hogwarts, Head Human things, settling in, briefing the prefects… oof, there’s a lot to do!” I smile at my once-dorm mate as she grabs the menu. “Still late to everything?” “Oh, well, you know me!” When a lovely waitress arrives at our table, MJ orders the speciality baked potato with some pumpkin juice, whilst I order waffles and tea. “Still a sweet tooth?” “Oh, well, you know me!” I echo her words back at her. We fall back into our usual banter so naturally that I almost forget why we are meeting up. By the time I notice my list of questions on the table, we’ve finished our meals and several more drinks. All on Star’s tab, of course, there 72

are some perks to being one of the Quibbler’s head editors. “Well, I don’t recall if I already congratulated you, but let me take the opportunity to do so now,” I say, as I raise my glass. “Ravenclaw could not wish for a better Head of House, truly. Now, are you ready for a true Ravenclaw tradition, facing a barrage of questions?” “I have survived our ‘100 questions’-games many a time during our seven years at Hogwarts, I think I’m ready,” MJ chuckles. And, as a true journalist, I need little further encouragement than that.

NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER

Q: “First things first, How did you get introduced to the wizarding world?” A: “Great question! Considering my age, I was first introduced to Harry Potter through Philosopher’s Stone being played during some Christmas programming on… maybe it was ABC Family? Anyway, I really liked the movie and thought it was cute, so I looked into it and got the books from my local library. It was very much a Matilda scene in my youth – I wasn’t using a wagon per se but I would go to the library each week and trade in books and would take out the HP series very often!”

Q: “It sounds like it’s little surprise you got sorted into Ravenclaw then. Do you remember how you stumbled upon the subreddit?” A: “I definitely just started by lurking in r/harrypotter for like ever,” MJ laughs. “I think at some point I just clicked on the wiki and applied to join the House! My application still makes me laugh but we will never speak of it. I think Squash also made a post that really touched my heart (one of many) and that cemented my wanting to stay and be a more vocal person in the subreddit.”

QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

Q: “You’ve been Head Human for quite some time. Was it Squash that got you into that position as well? How did it come about?” A: “Head Human elections – my second step in clawing,” we pause the interview to high five for the pun, briefly silencing the conversation in the pub as people identify the source of the sudden sound. MJ immediately looks away embarrassed, suddenly looking like Marge in the muggle series The Simpsons. As the conversations around us pick back up again, I cast a quick muffliato and we continue. “Where was I? Oh, yes, clawing my way to the top. At that point we were still doing elections so it was pretty straight forward but I think that what set me apart is how present I was in House related activities and being super chatty.”

Q: “How would you characterise yourself as a mod of /r/ravenclaw?” A: “I like to think that I’m super laid back? I just want people to have a good time and most folks in Ravenclaw are also chill which lends itself to a perpetually clear mod queue!” Q: “And now you’re becoming Head of House! Was it a surprise to you?” A: “I had an inkling that it would shake out this way pretty early on,” MJ laughs. “It’s actually pretty scary how Squash pretty much predicted how this would go when I first became Prefect more than a year and a half ago!! Looking back at our messages still makes me chuckle because I was adamant that it wouldn’t happen that way and now look at us!”

NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER

Q: “Look at you indeed! Still the same person, but with power,” I smile. “What are your plans upon becoming Head of House? Any great changes you want to make?” A: “So many things!!! A Harry Potter Reread, more regular Game Nights, potentially some fun discord and subreddit changes to really spice things up. We have a really strong foundation to work with and very vocal members that are happy to share what they’d like to see and I’m always happy to accommodate.”

Q: “‘Happy to accommodate’, that is always good to hear from the mouth of a Head of House. There have been many calls for the Heads to have term limits. Would that be something that you would be willing to accommodate? Bring up with the other Heads of House?” A: “Of course, I am happy to bring that up! But,” MJ laughs, “I do I plan to die in this position! The point made is entirely valid, though. Something that I appreciate, and maybe take for granted, is the honesty we have with each other in Ravenclaw. If something isn’t working we are able to communicate effectively and comfortably and find the best path forward. When we find that we don’t have the time to give our all to the role, we speak up and start planning for the future as opposed to letting things somehow spiral and stagnant at the same time.” Q: “Yes, I really love that about Ravenclaw as well – it is why Squash stepped down, after all. Speaking of Squash, has she trained you well? Taken you under her wing?” A: “I continue to be attached permanently to Squash’s wing, she may never get rid of me.”

QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

Q: “That is good to hear. Do you have a message to Squash as outgoing HoH?”

Q: “Almost as if I didn’t ask you to say that!”

A: “Squash knows what I want to say before I say it!! However! Much of that is my continued appreciation for her continuing to support me in whatever harebrained scheme I’ve devised to welcome new folks or convey my opinions in more constructive ways! Thanks for the memories Mom!!”

A: “I have spent enough time with you to know you’ll hex me if I didn’t advertise the Quibbler.”

Q: “Oh, I would 100% like to second that sentiment. Squash was a great Head of House, I have so many fond memories to look back on. Is there anything you would like to say to new /r/ravenclaw members?” A: “Ah, so many things to say!!! Well, I think that the most important thing is for folks to get involved in whatever way they feel most comfortable! Chilling in Game Nights, watching Korean Dramas at night, sharing fanfiction recommendations, wordle triumphs and the rest! There is a place for everyone here to express and enjoy their interests with others. Also, if you’re reading this interview in the Quibbler, how cool would it be to see more articles and ads in the Quibbler – articles written by fellow Ravenclaws???? Including yourself???? I would like to see it!!!”

And there you have it, my dear readers. A new Head of House with great ideas for the future of the house, and enough sense to remember its past. Although I might be slightly biased due to my friendship with MJ, I am sure that she will fulfil her tasks extremely well. She knows how to balance fun and responsibility, and she is a delight to hang out with. Her wittiness, humour and creativity make Ravenclaw house proud. Squash could not have chosen better.

SPORTS QUIBBLER

A Plea for Creativity: An Op Ed By Skip McFlipperdip When it comes to variety in sports, let’s face it, the wizarding world is severely lacking compared to our muggle friends. They have everything from volleyball, basketball, baseball, better football, worse football, cricket (which curiously doesn’t involve any actual crickets), rugby, and so on. And while the names are mostly uninspired, the uniqueness of each sport cannot be denied. What does wizard kind have in comparison? Quidditch for the Brits and quodpot for the yanks. (Some will argue that gobstones is a sport, but we all know they’re wrong.)

This can’t be the peak of magical athleticism, right? I don’t know about you, but I personally find broom sports agonizingly boring. Quidditch might as well be a game between two seekers for all the good the rest of the team does. As for quodpot, if I wanted to watch grown adults play glorified hot potato I’d visit my in-laws for Christmas more often. Don’t even get me started on broom racing. So I implore the athletic geniuses of our world: this can’t be it. Somebody please make a better magical sport. Don’t look at me though. I have no suggestions to offer, only complaints. Until then, you can find me snoozing in the stands at the next world cup.

(written by KackelDackel)

QUIBBLER TRAVEL

TRAVEL QUIBBLER

The Mad Muggle World of

Martin Miggs: An Immersive New Theme Park By Beautiford Bigglesby

Are you a Martin Miggs super fan? Have you ever dreamed of exploring his world and acting out your greatest muggle fantasies? Well good news, because those fantasies are now a reality at the new, immersively themed land located in Cosmological Studios: Archipelago of Fun. Featuring: •

Martin’s Supermarket Adventure - Hop aboard a speeding shopping cart as you narrowly avoid the most terrifying of beasts: casual acquaintances you’d rather not talk to! This is a thrill ride that will have your whole family screaming!

•

The Taboo Quest - This attraction puts you in the center of the action! Let a whimsical, muggle Uber take you on an exhilarating quest to find parking in Los Angeles. Don’t worry, our beloved hero Martin might let you take his spot.

•

Escape from Ikea - Will you make it out alive or will you be stuck eating Swedish meatballs forever? This interactive maze is fun for all ages.

After all that non stop excitement you can take a break and enjoy some authentic muggle delicacies! •

Twinkies - A (allegedly) banana flavored sponge cake filled with delicious sweetened and processed lard.

•

Cheese Wiz - Cheese (allegedly) like you’ve never seen it! Watch as the unnaturally orange substance appears before your eyes as if by magic. But it’s not! Pure muggle insanity!

•

Pickleback cocktail - This one is for the parents in your group! Do you like pickle juice? Do you like whiskey? …No?

We’ve barely scratched the surface of all the excitement to be had at The Mad Muggle World of Martin Miggs, but don’t worry you’ll be able to experience everything soon enough when the land opens in Spring 2055.

Tickets on sale now.

(written by KackelDackel) (artwork by KackelDckel)

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Art by Anne_Seelmann

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Art by Anne_Seelmann

QUIBBLER HOROSCOPES

HOGWARTS HORoSCOPES Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!

CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL

TAURUS THE WEREWOLF

VIRGO THE UNICORN

(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)

(APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)

(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)

Bad luck and misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity.

Bad luck and misfortune will infest your pathet- Bad luck and misfortune will infest your pathetic ic soul for all eternity. soul for all eternity.

AQUARIUS THE KELPIE

GEMINI THE VEELA

LIBRA THE DRAGON

(JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH)

(MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH)

(SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND)

Bad luck and misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity.

PISCES THE MERMAN

CANCER THE FIRECRAB

SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE

(FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH)

(JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND)

(OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST)

Bad luck and misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity.

Bad luck and misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity.!

ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF

LEO THE SPHINX

SAGITTARIUS THE CENTAUR

(MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH)

(JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND)

(NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST)

Bad luck and misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity.

HOROSCOPES QUIBBLER

APRIL FOOLS! Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!

CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL

TAURUS THE WEREWOLF

VIRGO THE UNICORN

(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)

(APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)

(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)

Indulge your fantasies. Love and romance await!

Indulge your fantasies. Love and romance await! Indulge your fantasies. Love and romance await!

AQUARIUS THE KELPIE

GEMINI THE VEELA

LIBRA THE DRAGON

(JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH)

(MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH)

(SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND)

Indulge your fantasies. Love and romance await!

PISCES THE MERMAN

CANCER THE FIRECRAB

SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE

(FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH)

(JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND)

(OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST)

Indulge your fantasies. Love and romance await!

ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF

LEO THE SPHINX

SAGITTARIUS THE CENTAUR

(MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH)

(JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND)

(NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST)

Indulge your fantasies. Love and romance await!

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Classifieds Reach your Prospects First

MISSED CONNECTIONS You Apparated before I could ask your name, but you ordered the chocolate frog sundae at the ice cream shop in Godric's Hollow and winked at me when I ordered the same. I would love to have ice cream with you! Please send an Owl to Rue Rosenstein. COMMUNITY EVENTS Congratulations to Pansy Parkinson For being named Witch Weekly’s Fashion Icon of 2022 A luncheon in her honor will be held at the Polished Wand in Diagon Alley on April 23rd at 11AM

BUSINESS/OFFERS Weasley's Wizard Wheezes for all your jokes, pranks and pests. Try our new noticeme-not ties now to avoid being called on by professors. Success guaranteed or money back! Hi I'm Sam Hady Esq. DID YOU SUFFER A PRANK GONE WRONG?! DO YOU WANT COMPENSATION?! Owl S. Hady at Blaggett and Scarper Injury Lawyers. No win. No Fee (S.P.A.D) Society for the Promotion of Atrocities by Dumbledore Is Hiring. **Eligibility** 1. Be a proud Slytherin 2. Don't like Albus Dumbledore Contact /u/clariannagrindelwald for further information HELP WANTED Need staff during Christmas & Summer breaks to take care of students unable/unwilling to go home. Must be passionate about Hogwarts-age children, be responsible & have a license to Apparate. Contact P. Parkinson for more information.

Contributors:

FOR SALE For Sale: Christmas sweater that proclaims Shakespeare's sonnets and Valentine's sweater singing "Jingle Bell Rock". When close together, they start singing the national anthem. Owl serious offers only. HEADCANON Headcanon: The reason why you don't hear about Merlin's patronus is because he was embarrassed because his patronus was a honey bee. Gives you another perspective on his name Emrys, doesn't it. I figured this out because I am the reincarnation of Merlin, and as it turns out, my patronus is a Honey Bee.

LOST & FOUND My black kneazle got lost! If she runs away when you call for Mitsy, it's her. Please owl me if you see her! She is resistent to Accio. Don't try to pursue her - she bites. FOUND: Really cute Crup, Border Terrier cross. If you've lost one tough luck he's too sweet to give up so you might as well stop looking. Old Runes Book Lost. Black cover. Text on the first page "To, dear Clara. -Uncle Gellert". Owl to 'Aria Vexmoor, Vexmoor Castle', in case found. Price on return can be negotiated (Note: Don't bother keeping it, you won't be able to decode it.) REAL ESTATE For Rent: Broom closet, larger on the inside. Broom lives in the basement, door leads to private appartment. 250 galleons a month, all included as long as the Muggle neighbors never notice you. Housemate needed: Ex-Hogwarts student at Exeter Uni in need of a magical roomy. A year with Muggles was difficult. 100 Galleons per month including bills. Must be fine with a kneazle.

clariannagrindelwald, Daniel The Heir of Merlin, Eldis_, TipsyTippett, XanCanStand

QUIBBLER AUROR LOGS

LAW ENFORCEMENT REPORTS BREAKING NEWS: MLE is pleased to announce live reports of some of these logs on Wizard radio station, "Twitch.tv/powergamersdandd" every other Friday at 6:30PM PST MAGICAL LAW ENFORCEMENT PATROL:

DEPARTMENT OF INTOXICATING SUBSTANCES

◊ 03/04/22 5:45 PM - Three youths arrested while attempting to float a double decker bus into the stratosphere.

◊ 01/9/22 9:17 PM - Authorities apprehended a young wizard selling illicit troll snot. When questioned, the wizard claimed he was "holding it for a friend".

DEPARTMENT FOR THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES: ◊ 02/15/22 6:45 AM - 300 Doxie eggs were rescued from a hoarder's house. They are to be humanely relocated. ◊ 03/30/22 11:11 AM - Unidentifed creature escaped from the Hogsmeade Zoo. Zookeepers describe it as neither tall nor short and neither thin nor fat. If spotted please alert authorities immediately.

IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE ◊ 02/04/22 2:33 PM - Authorities were called to the house of an elderly wizard couple after the gentlemen reported meat loaf appearing at random intervals in their living room. The culprit was later determined to be the neighbor's 5 year old son who did not want to eat his dinner. The parents were issued a stern warning.

DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES ◊ sdfasdfsadfsadfsaddfagdhhgdasfsdfsdfsdfsfsdfasdfasdf ◊ sadfdfsafasdfsadfghshfdcvdfd ◊ asdfdafsadafjdlkjfls;daj ladfjkadsfkdsjflkasjdalkjf bajfhkjsdfhkjsdhfksdhfksjjjj ◊ sdafdfdsafsadfsadfsdfsdfsdfsdfasdfsdfsdfsdfsdfasdfdsfsdf ◊ sdafdffgfsfsgfvvcvacdagfagdagadgadfgaggdfsfsdfsadf ◊ dsasajghfklajfhauhhnfksdjhfsjkdahfkjasdfhkjasdhfksdhfksdhfkadsjhfksahfksafhkasdhfksakdjhfkjaksdfhkjasdhfkjdsa

GICAL LAW MA E

EMENT * RC FO N

EPARTME * D NT

The Minister of Magic and The Head of Magical Law Enforcement would like to thank the Auror Headquarters, Wizengamot Administration Services, Hit Wizards, Investigation Department, Ministry of Magic Witch Watchers, Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects, and all others that keep our world safe.

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MadHatter5045

Philosopher's Stone in Lego Artist:

MadHatter5045

Minecart #13 Artist:

MadHatter5045 Medium: Canon EOS R at 85mm, f5.6, 1/50 second, ISO 100

Snowy Sunrise in Wichita Artist:

MadHatter5045 Medium: Canon EOS R, 35mm, f11, 3.2 seconds, ISO 100

Anne_Seelmann Illustration: TaliZiva

QUIBBLER CREDITS

Lake on the Apache Trail Artist:

MadHatter5045 Medium: Canon ESO R, 85mm at f11, 1/40 second, ISO 100.

Squash Retires: An Eagle-Eyed View from Her Time on the Top Author: Layout:

Wandless Magic

Illustration: Anne_Seelmann

Every Body is a Beach Body Illustration: Anne_Seelmann

iSquash and Eldis_ KackelDackel

MJ Flies to the Top of the Aerie and Becomes New Head of House Author: Layout:

MJenious and Eldis_ KackelDackel

Magical Plants and Creatures

Sports

Author:

In Memoriam: Mr. T, a Beloved Gryffindor Cat Layout:

nuhanala

overanxiousowl Illustration: nuhanala

A Walking Skeleton Might Not Always Be a Bad Omen Author: Layout:

iguerr

overanxiousowl Illustration: overanxiousowl

News and Features The Curious Case of Qualupik Author: Layout:

meddleofmycause

KackelDackel Illustration: meddleofmycause

Join Iguer's Super Secret Cult Now! You, too, Can Become a Cult Member! Author: Layout:

iguerr

overanxiousowl Illustration: laughterislouder

A Plea for Creativity: An Op Ed Layout:

KackelDackel

KackelDackel Illustration: "Broomstick" by OpenClipart-Vectors via pixabay • pixabay.com/vectors/broom-brush-cleaning-sweeptool-2027093/

Travel

The Mad Muggle World of Martin Miggs Author: Layout:

KackelDackel

KackelDackel Illustration: KackelDackel

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All Articles were Written by Quibbler Staff and Owned by Special Conspiracy Productions Productions except ones that are noted. For use of any articles in The Quibbler, Please contact Special Conspiracy Productions Copyright ©

The Quibbler Spring 2022

Articles inside

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