The Quibbler 2021 by Hogwarts Quibbler

APRIL FOOLS! YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT WAS OUR REAL COVER, RIGHT?

Editor-In-Chief & Divination Dept Head Starflashfairy Gryffindor Managing Editor NDoraTonks Hufflepuff Managing Editor L-ily Ravenclaw Managing Editor Eldis_ Slytherin Managing Editor Im_Finally_Free Production Manager KackelDackel Production Assistants Anne_Seelman Permagrinfalcon PocketPropagandist strikeblazer 7ustine Web-Wizard Oomps62 Archives wiksry Payroll Marx0r Art Dept Head SinsationalDoom Castles & Burrows Dept Head blxckfire Classifieds L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies Dept Head Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts Dept Head VinumCupio Divination Flabbergasted_Rhino Education Dept Head Starboost3 Entertainment Dept Head silvertail8 Fashion Dept Head XanCanStand Magical Plants & Creatures Dept Head Oopdidoop News & Features Dept Head CynicForever7 Sports Dept Head Macallion Travel Dept Head mrsvanchamarch

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k s e D ’s r o t i d E e h T From rflash The Desk of Madam Sta Spring 2021 Greetings, dear Readers! ition of The Quibbler!

21 Ed Welcome to the Spring 20

effort wn away by the amount of blo ply sim I’m . ue iss th This is our 19 So rather than a ese magazines wonderful. th ke ma to in ts pu to e on every t my retirement, I’m going ou ab e jok ’ ols Fo ril Ap s ridiculou editors, ch and every one of our take a moment to thank ea past and present. THANK YOU ALL! me nt. What, did you expect (I did say I’d take a mome They’re all on the table of to list all of their names? contents page.) every way. My ler staff is all fantastic in But seriously. The Quibb I love you guys! hard work is appreciated. g this edition We hope you enjoy readin ing it! May Fortune smile upon ~Madam Starflash Editor-in-Chief

you!

team’s

creatas much as we’ve enjoyed

An Apology and a Correction: In our Winter 2021 issue, the article "What Good Ever Came from Snitchcombe?" was incorrectly credited to u/Eldis_ when it should've been credited to u/Skilik . The article itself has the wrong name, but Skilik was properly credited in the end credits. Our apologies to both for the mix up.

THE QUIBBLER: NO. 34863 SPRING 2021 THIS ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY THE HOGWARTS STAFF AT /R/THEQUIBBLER. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WIZARDING WORLD’S ALTERNATIVE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1989. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR SMALL INDEPENDENT NEWS MAGAZINE

Welcome to OUR BRAND NEW issue of the Quibbler. Below is an overview of everything you can find in this All new edition of the Quibbler! We hope you find the experience Both enlightening and entertaining! THE BIGGEST STORIES FROM THE

FRONTPAGE:

09 18 65

How to Pull Off the Perfect Prank. This aint your grandma's itching powder.

How to Start a Cult 101 Our handy guide is very easy to follow.

How to Make Your Own Alpaca Sweater You've never been so cozy.

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BREAKING NEWS:

jfjsdjwfksfkljklwenjkfnzwdiewghiorndgknakflenifnsdnakhwroiuwehdnmd, Crafts, Brews, and Hobbies. ................... 09

Sports. ...................................................... 86

Divination................................................ 12

Travel....................................................... 89

Education. ............................................... 18

Horoscopes. ............................................. 90

entertainment......................................... 29

Classifieds................................................ 91

fashion...................................................... 58

Auror Logs...............................................92

& Creatures.................... 68

Credits. .................................................... 94

magical plants

News and Features.................................. 80

STAFF:

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Editor-In-Chief: Starflashfairy Managing Editors: Im_Finally_Free, L-ily, NDoraTonks, Eldis_ Administration: Marx0r, Oomps62, Wiksry Layout and Design: 7ustine, Anne_Seelman, KackelDackel, Permagrinfalcon, PocketPropagandist, strikeblazer Art: Sinsational Doom Castles & Burrows: blxckfire Classifieds: L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies: Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts: VinumCupio Divination: Flabbergasted_Rhino Education: Starboost3 Entertainment: silvertail8 Fashion: XanCanStand Magical Plants & Creatures: Oopdidoop News & Features: CynicForever7 Sports: Macallion Travel: mrsvanchamarch Contributors: 7ustine, AngelFMS, Anne_seelmann, Auntieabra, Bee, Eldis_, Eldis_ & mylifeambitiom,

GamingBeagle, HermioneReynaChase, K9centipede, Kevslinger, L-ily, Ljosastaur5, Lyrical_Bee, MatchaLobster, Milomi10, Mylifeambitiom, Patatas0, RavenclawRoxy, Rhia1, Silvertail8, Sinsationaldoom, Skilik, Starflashfairy, TaliZiva, The-phonypony, TheOriginalSoni2, Ukpikjuaq, V391pegasi, Victoire_delecour, XanCanStand, Zach_da_bossss 7

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CRAFTS, BREWS AND HOBBIES QUIBBLER Crafts, Brews & Hobbies

Ra’s Recipes By Ljosastaur5

The first step for any great recipe is making sure you have clean ingredients. Wash your spuds my buds. Then you want to get the skin off, peel them like bananas (also a great source of potassium). Then we want to cut ‘em into four chunks. Next put them in a pot full of cold water (just enough so the potatoes are covered). Boil for 15-20 minutes or until soft (medium heat or until the water lightly bubbles). Drain out the water from there. Add milk and butter. You want to take a quarter cup of milk, and about two tablespoons of butter per four potatoes. (Too much and you’re making potato soup) Use masher or fork, and smash until your preferred level of lumpy.

How to pull off

QUIBBLER CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES

April Fool’s is one of the most amazing holidays in the year! What with all the pranks and jokes and laughs, it’s truly a day that makes someone smile. Of course, if someone covered your whole house in cream that can’t be washed off, or made your clothes sing embarrassing Valentines, you won’t smile as much.

two is going wild (like casting a spell that makes everything a person owns fly, and the person starts flying too). You can use these tips for either, but we both know which is the funnier option (wink, wink).

Creativity starts flowing and jokes start thriving. Given below are a few tips by Ben Maroon on how to pull off the best April Fool’s prank! Ben works at Jiggles ‘N Jokes, a new prank shop in Diagon Alley, so be sure to pay him a visit.

A lot of people will be expecting a joke or a trick since it’s April Fool’s Day. Which is why you need to think outside of the box and be unexpected. Think of a place where the person will be comfortable and most at ease, least expecting a prank. That is where you can set up your prank!

Tips And Tricks You Should Know For A Perfect Prank Before I start, I’d like to remind you that you have two ways to go. Way one is mild tricks and jokes (like filling a room with chocolate frogs with no way to escape). Way

TIP #1: Be unexpected

In the same way, while preparing, be sure to use objects that are unexpected. If you’d be up for it, you can roam around Diagon Alley and you’ll be able to find a variety of odd stuff (Including our joke shops) over there!

CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES QUIBBLER

TIP #2: Use all the magic you can If it is tough to think to such an extent, you can start out with a simple plan of what you want to do. What is the base of your prank? Do you want to make something pop up and scare the person? Do you want something to happen to a thing the person is holding or uses on a daily basis? Do you want to do something to a room of theirs, or an office? In this manner, narrow down your idea and work from there. What magic can you add to make it a funnier prank? Maybe make something permanent, or have something chase a person for a week? You can add fun elements to your prank as per your liking, and many of those can be acquired from our joke shops! TIP #3: Disguise your prank well You would want your prank to surprise the person as much as you can. If your trick is well concealed, then the prank will have its best effect! Whether it is hiding your prank behind an object, or making it invisible, or making it an ordinary object, you can play around with the specifics of it! A friend of mine pranked someone working at a potions apothecary, he had enchanted beetles and witches’ toenails to cause havoc around the shop. He made some of the ingredients melt into foam that kept spreading, and made others start dancing around while some sang! It was a sight to see indeed. TIP #4: Take your time If you are attempting to pull off a huge trick, you won’t be able to prepare in one day. You will have to plan this out in advance and set up your trick slowly. The smaller your trick, the less effort. However, you get your payback when the person starts laughing a lot!

TIP #5: Know where to stop It might be easy to go all the way and have a huge prank, but you need to know where to stop or draw the line. Though it is very tempting to go full out, your prank needs to come out as a friendly joke and not an invitation to duel. It’s probably not a good idea to transform someone’s whole house into a garden, rooms and all, especially if they hate soil and plants. They will wreck chaos and rage over you for the rest of your life.

Trust me, you don’t want that. I’ve seen it happen a lot of times. (I mean you’d expect a herbology teacher to like soil, but guess it isn’t that way! Speaking of that, I’m sorry about it, Margaret. You can stop sending me cursed flowers every week that eat up all the wood in the house!) And the last TIP #6: End on a funny note If you are planning to prank someone by sending them a letter that will make them angry or sad, be sure to add a twist so they find it funny or laugh. That’s how you want to end a trick. Even if your trick lasts a week or two, the end result is to make them laugh. I emphasise, you don’t want someone chasing you halfway across Britain to get back at you or holding a lifelong grudge. I hope this was useful and that you manage to pull off an awesome prank! If you have more questions, feel free to drop by our shop or owl me! -Ben Maroon That was the detailed guide Ben gave us, and I hope you can make use of it! Have fun!

By Milomi10 11

QUIBBLER DIVINATION

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or Christmas, I was honored to be gifted with a Tarot Deck of my very own. My family has known about my minor obsession with the cards for the last few years and a great aunt was gracious enough to part with her deck. Having been fascinated with this deck in particular, it felt surreal to actually be holding it in my hands. With a dark blue backing and silver accents, the cards present as serene and calming. However, their faces tell a very different story. Bright splotches of red and gold interweave with vibrant purples and greens to create a colorful, if sometimes exuberant, tapestry. With colors like these, you are equally likely to be enthralled as you are to be horrified. The Major and Minor Arcana appear to battle each other at first glance but, after careful examination, I quickly realized that it's more of a dance. Although the characters from each card can only move within their frame, when paired together, they more or less act as a cohesive unit so that their meaning is clearest. So it was with quivering fingers that I unwrapped my new, old Tarot Deck for the first time. The shuffle is my favorite part of a Reading. It is meant to help you meditate on your questions, clear your mind from distraction, and center your thoughts. It's also just a lot of fun to get the tactile feedback of stiffened paper against your hands. For my first Reading, I decided to go with the classic Past, Present, Future model. I shuffled until I was ready and then cut the deck into three, equally-sized, stacks. Then, one by one, I flipped over the top card of each stack in front of me.

The Past: Temperance (XIV) Temperance is the fourteenth Major Arcana card and is used both in divination and card games. It depicts an angel standing with one foot on

land and one in water whilst pouring liquid between two goblets. On the path behind them is a glowing crown which represents the attainment of a goal. Often, Temperance is associated with frugality, economy, management, and accomodation. As this card was drawn for the Past, I take it to mean that, through careful management of resources and by watching how I spend my galleons, I was able to mark a great milestone in my life: the completion of my Curse-Breaker Certification course.

The Present: Ten of Coins (X) The Ten of Coins is the tenth card in the suit of Coins. It is also called the Ten of Pentacles and is part of the Minor Arcana. The Ten of Coins specifically depicts an old man being guarded by a young man who converses with a woman. The cat and dog at the old man's feet seem to convey the idea that the man is beloved. I am very fortunate to have my present represented by this card for it depicts long-term success, financial security, and family. While it's true that my Gringotts' vault is not overflowing, I have recently made good investments that will support me in the years to come (never bet against a Weasley, I've been told). I am also fortunate enough to have loving parents who owl me on the weekends and a cat who fends off gnomes for me. It is wonderful to see that my happy and content life should continue as such for the near future.

The Future: Two of Wands (II) The Two of Wands is the second card in the suit of Wands. It is also part of the Minor Arcana and the suit often deals with inspiration, ambition, expansion, and creativity among other drivers. The Two of Wands specifically depicts a person, standing on a tower of a castle, with one hand firmly holding onto a "wand" (really more of a larch branch bolted to the tower) to their left while the other holds the world. The land beyond the tower

is green and rich with life but still the person does not look as though they are about to go adventuring. The second "wand" stands, bolted to the right of the person, untouched. This indicates that the person is still in the planning phase, not yet ready to venture forth into the unknown. Choosing this card for The Future means that I will begin the planning stage for my next great achievement, adventure, or milestone soon. There is a great deal of potential for what I can achieve or discover so it is best that I take my time to determine where exactly I'd like to go and how I would like to best take that journey. The future is full of possibilities! So ends my first foray into the world of Tarot Reading! I am feeling very excited to see how these cards play out for my future but, more importantly, I am excited to see what readings I will make for my friends and family! Some of them will require a little convincing to take a seat at my Reading Table but I'm certain that they will appreciate, if not enjoy, the experience. For now, I will stick to my Past, Present, Future Readings so that I may better hone my skills. Perhaps, when I have a little more practice under my belt, I will venture farther to Reading for particular events in other people's lives! For anyone who may be interested in starting their own journey, I highly recommend it. Although the illustrations take a little time to get used to (some of them rudely blow raspberries if you're not confident enough in your reading), tarot reading is intuitive and useful for all people and for most occasions (I would not recommend attempting a reading at a funeral as others are generally not very receptive at this point). But don't just take my word for it! Find yourself a tarot deck that speaks to you and give it a spin! I would highly recommend not buying your first one if you can help it as the magic is strongest when given.

Do YOU have burning questions for our resident Seer and fairy, Madam Starflash? Got yourself in a relationship with a Vampire and don’t know if it’s going to work out? Debating on using a love potion on your biggest crush? Have a bully you’d love to get rid of? Don’t hesitate to ask! Madam Starflash ALWAYS has the right answer for you! Contact her in Divination Tower at /r/TheQuibbler now with your desperate questions! 141414

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k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash, I'm beyond excited for this upcoming term. I'll be trying out for my House's Quidditch team! I've been studying every good Quidditch Chaser to learn their techniques and maneuvers. The only issue is my parents haven't been so happy with me studying Quidditch, a "dumb game", instead of Potions and Charms. They want me to study hard to become an Auror like them. How can I make my parents happy while also living out my dream of being a world-class Quidditch player? Sincerely, Aspiring Jock Dearest Jock, It’s possible to do both. It’s also necessary, as decent grades are required of Quidditch players on their House teams. Do your best in your classes and keep a schedule. Allot yourself some time each week for Quidditch practice and some time for homework. You can put an hour aside on weekends for studying Quidditch techniques. You don’t have to become an Auror, but you do need to hone your skills at magic to become a fully-fledged witch or wizard. Plus, you should always have a plan to fall back on, and being good at magic will help you get a job when your Quidditch career ends. Also watch out for Bludgers. Concussions and cracked skulls are no fun. May Fortune smile upon you! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Madam Starflash, Sleeping has been a recent challenge for me. I think the stress and chaos of this unusual holiday season has been keeping me up at night. I thought I'd be able to brew up a quick Sleeping Potion to do the trick, but when I drink it, I sleep through the entire day! I don't know what good options are left to fix this. What do you do to maintain a healthy sleep schedule? Sincerely, Struggling Sleeper Dearest Struggling,

comes in gummies and they sell it at their apothecaries, called “pharmacies”. Just take one half an hour before you need to be asleep, lay down with a good book, and relax. You’ll drift off to dreamland in no time. May Fortune smile upon you! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Madam Starflash, I've been loving all my classes recently. I'm especially interested in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and would love to work more with my Professor as I hope to become an Auror. However, I'm very shy, and afraid she will think I'm not good enough at DADA to take on under her wing. What can I do to make myself look better and convince my Professor to train me beyond our normal studies? Sincerely, Sheepish Student Dearest Student, All you can do is work hard. Utilize the library. Go and look up defensive magic spells and work on them by yourself in empty classrooms before curfew. Once you’ve mastered the basics, go to your teacher. I promise she’ll take notice. May Fortune smile upon you! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Madam Starflash, My best friend decided she's going to pack her bags and move to France with her current (French) boyfriend of 6 months. The only thing standing between her and a French visa is my constant refusal to let her go. I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to hold her back in life, but I think she's being very rash, all of a sudden deciding to leave like this with someone she's known for such a short time. What should I do? Sincerely, Friend of a Flight Risk

Sleeping potions are a bad idea. What you need is called “melatonin”. Muggles swear by it to help them sleep. It

k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm 15

QUIBBLER DIVINATION

k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dearest Friend,

Dearest Investigator,

You need to let your friend make her own mistakes. It’s important. She will come back after things fall apart. At that point, do not shower her with “I told you so’s”. Just comfort her.

It goes back to /r/showerthoughts where it came from.

May Fortune smile upon you! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Madam Starflash, My owl, Tundra, passed away just over a month ago. He was like a best friend to me, and I'm still mourning this loss. My family doesn't seem to understand the connection I had with Tundra, and insist I get a new owl immediately to send them letters. I feel as though rushing into a new owl would be unfair, and I still need more time to process everything before I am emotionally ready to create a new wizard-to-owl bond. How do I get them to give me the space I need before getting a new owl? Sincerely, Grieving in the Owlery

May Fortune smile upon you! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Madam Starflash, I am having the worst time at Hogwarts. One of our fifth year prefects is a complete nutcase. I have no idea how she managed to become a prefect, but she is terrorizing our lives! All the professors are convinced that she’s the ideal student. How can we reveal her true self? Please help! Sincerely, A Frustrated First Year Dearest Frustrated, There’s nothing you can do to prove this to the teachers without advanced magic that first years wouldn’t be able to use. However, if you go to your Head Boy and Head Girl and plead your case, they will be able to help you.

Dearest Grieving,

May Fortune smile upon you!

The solution here is to have an open and honest conversation with them about how you are feeling. Try compromising with them, by setting up times to use Floo Powder for communication by fire. Or go full Muggle and get yourself and your family what they call “cell phones” and use them! I have one, and it’s quite fun; they found a way to make pictures move without using a potion, and they even make noise! Either way, with time you will find yourself ready to move on and get another owl. Take your time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

May Fortune smile upon you! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Madam Starflash, Why do you have to put your 'two cents in' when it's only ‘a penny for your thoughts’? Where does that extra penny go? Sincerely, Investing Investigator

Dear Madam Starflash, Just got a Howler from my mom. Turns out that staying up all night to play WizCARDs and not studying for my O.W.L.s is not appropriate behavior. "Real life comes first, and well before WizCARDs," she says. Does my mom not know that playing WizCARDs is a part of real life? Anyways, I think the small amount of clout I've earned in my House's common room is more than enough to justify the all-nighters. What can I do to show my mom that school isn't just about the grades, and that WizCARDs clout has value? Sincerely, Games Before Grades Dearest Games, Playing WizCARDs is nowhere near as important as your studies. This “clout” you speak of will not last, and it is meaningless in the working world. You need to pass your

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DIVINATION QUIBBLER

k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm O.W.L.s to get a good job in the future. Study! WizCARDs will always be there while the fad exists, but you only get one shot at your O.W.L.s. May Fortune smile upon you! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Hello Madam Starflash, I recently got engaged to my partner, and we’ve set our date for 2 years from now. My problem is that I want to start deciding on details now, so that when we get to the day, we won’t be stressed with all of it, just the little details. My fiancé doesn’t want to think about these things “right now” as he thinks it’s too early. I’m anxious and I’d really like to know he’s supporting me. I hate hearing “whatever you want is fine.” What do I do? Sincerely, Overthinking Witch Dearest Witch, Planning a wedding takes a lot of time and effort. Take your time. Start with making lists. Then look through Muggle magazines and make collages with the pictures of what you like. Keep all of these things in one notebook, and then when the time comes and your fiancé is ready to help, you’ll also be ready. He just needs time. May Fortune smile upon you! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dearest Between, Don’t set jinxes. That’s dangerous. That particular Crup hates the smell of lavender. Plant some around the begonias. While those are growing in, spray the flowers with lavender perfume and light some lavender scented candles. Your garden will be safe. May Fortune smile upon you! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dear Madam Starflash, Howdy! I make my living shipping various ... uh... amenities, if you will, and I recently lost a job because an associate says he saw me doing something ... uh... ‘Unforgivable,’ shall we say. I denied it, but the contract went to the associate and I found myself out in the cold. Should I try to get back at my associate? What do you recommend? Sincerely, It Was Just One Curse... Dearest Just One, The Ministry is looking for the people you worked with, so an anonymous tip would be your best bet here. Get out of dodge and get yourself a legitimate job; the raid that will ensue is going to be brutal and the results will be some jail time for all involved. May Fortune smile upon you!

Dear Madam Starflash, My neighbour’s Crup keeps tearing up my prized begonias. I’ve talked to her about it several times but the little beast keeps getting into them! I’m thinking about laying some jinx traps in the garden, but when I mentioned it to my husband, he thought I was going too far. I’m at my wits end in trying to keep my garden in one, clean piece! Please help! Sincerely, Between a Crup and a Hard Place

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QUIBBLER EDUCATION

How to Start a Cult 101 by GamingBeagle As my fellow Ravenclaws are aware, and I’m sure the other houses have learned, Ravenclaw has recently developed a tendency to create cults, join cults, and basically do anything that involves cults. At the time of writing this, the r/ravenclaw Discord server is currently at 35 cults, and is constantly adding more. Now, you might be wondering how we create these cults? It’s quite simple really, follow these steps, and soon you’ll have started a cult of your own.

EDUCATION QUIBBLER

Steps to Create a Cult: 1. Figure out your cult’s motives. Every cult needs a motive. The Mob of the Living Fire wants the world to be on fire. The car cult wants the world to be a race track. The Slaves of the Stars want everyone to worship the stars. The Primordial Syndicate wants everything to be alive. The Minions of the Left Foot want right feet to not exist. What does your cult want? Bear in mind, that the members of your cult or the world at large do not need to be aware of your cult's motives. However, if you do not want them to be informed, you may want to create an alternate motive to publicize to the members/world. 2. Create a catchy name. Whether it’s a fun to say combination of letters such as MLAP, or a name that symbolizes your cult's motives, such as the Daughters of the Future, every cult needs a name. Your cult's name has an incredible impact on your cult’s performance. 3. Create a chant. This is how you attract people to your cult. MLAP found its footing by members chanting “MLAP.” XAN was founded by the chant of “help xani can standopi you’re our only hope.” This is the most important part of creating your cult, this is what draws people in. 4. Chant to everyone in your presence! Whatever you decided your chant should be, chant it. Soon you’ll see people join your cult. 5. Threaten Encourage your new cult members to also chant! Enjoy your cult!

QUIBBLER EDUCATION

The Sea Serpent of Cromer By Skilik

he sea is large and full of mystery. It is so easy to get lost in a siren's trance whilst staring out over an infinite seeming body of water. The ocean has captivated the mind of Magic Folk and No-Maj alike since the dawn of time. Many have spent their lives or lost them attempting to map its depths and uncover the majesty that lies beneath the blue surface. Off of the coast of a small town called Great Yarmouth in Norfolk, there lived a Wizard by the name of Glanmore Peakes. A muggle style spearfisher by trade. Now I know what you the reader are probably thinking, and no, I am no master of Divination. Why would a magically endowed individual choose to be a fisherman when he could use magical means to gather all of the fish he could need or sell? Simple, Glanmore loved to hunt in the unknown playground that is the Atlantic Ocean. Mr. Peakes did not fish for Cod or Haddock, he preyed on the big game, Humpback Whales, Orcas, a variety of Sharks. Mr. Peakes had in his possession a family heirloom passed down from his great great grandfather, a spear with a diamond tip. Forged and crafted from the finest Goblin smith’s of the day. The spear was enchanted to radically increase its speed and distance thrown by the user, as well as possessing the ability to travel through the water as smoothly as the air. This spear certainly gave Glanmore an advantage over

EDUCATION QUIBBLER its unsuspecting and frankly mostly innocent victims, whose greatest crimes were often the appearance of monstrosity. Earning quite a reputation from the locals as a “protector” of the local fishing folk. Peakes hunted these waters for many years until the game either left the waters or were hunted out of the area. This as you can imagine came at great annoyance to the “legendary fisherman”. Searching for a new challenge, whispers reached his ear from a small town up the coast from where he was living. Rumours of a Sea Serpent terrifying the people of Cromer. Noted researcher Professor Newt Scamander, recanted upon the nature of Sea Serpents in his famous work “Fantastic Beasts and where to find them” that Sea Serpents by nature are a docile creature with no verified accounts of them attacking and killing a human. They by description can grow to massive lengths and tend to surface to receive the heat from the sun. The beloved Sea Serpent of lake Loch Ness, known as Nessie, has never once had any indication for aggression, just a great love for Maple flavoured candies and cream. Knowing full well that a sea serpent was not dangerous, was of no detail to Glanmore however. Immediately he set out to vanquish this huge beast and save the muggle folk of Cromer. Peakes did certainly enjoy the attention of an adoring crowd. Upon arriving at the small town, the topic of the Sea Serpent seemed to be causing quite a stir. The local Lord placed a bounty on the head of the Serpent, 18 Gold coins. A sizeable bounty for any, magical or not. The tension that this brought about in town was more dangerous than the poor serpent deserved. Six bounty hunters had already lost their lives in the pursuit. Four of the muggle hunters were lost to the sea in a storm the week prior, whilst they stalked their prey. The other two were lost in a massive reaction of two curses rebounding off of one another when the Wizards duelled over which direction to steer the boat. Of course, the muggles just thought that the boat exploded from a keg barrel of black powder. Glanmore took to the ocean alone with his small fishing vessel on a crisp May morning. The sky was a deep

crimson, which meant that few superstitious sailors were departing that morning. “Red sky in the morning, and sailors take warning” and whatnot. The crimson in the sky was nothing compared to the red in the eye of the mighty master of the sea. With all of this build-up, many would hope for a huge climactic battle, where hunter and hunted toiled around, thrashing and beating on one another until finally, one would stand victorious over the beaten and bloody conquered foe. However, the truth of this story as recanted by Glanmore’s wife is not as thrilling. You see, though we have failed to mention this detail before now, Glanmore Peakes was a Scottish man, who knew full well the nature of Sea Serpents. The aforementioned Nessie was a common tourist sight for young magic folks. When Peakes made it safely out of the eyesight of the fishing village, he began to bait the water with hardened maple candies. If it was a treat for Nessie, perhaps this one would have a sweet tooth as well. Glanmore was correct in his assumption. Sitting there, as still as can be, with the only sound being the water striking gently at his boat, the weathered wizard sat there for no more than ten minutes before he saw it. One hump, two humps, three humps. This Sea Serpent was indeed large, head to tail, close to 90 feet in length, the width of a great pickle barrel. Frolicking to the surface to enjoy what would be its last meal. As the serpent came into range, the goblin forged spear found its mark. The Serpent reared, dead upon arrival. Over the years, many have been outraged or impressed by the legend of the “Vicious Cromer Sea Serpent”. Muggles tell tall tales while Wizards scoff. This was of little interest to Peakes, who claimed his gold and used the funds to buy a greater boat to hunt larger prey. Whether you agree with his career or not, Glanmore Peakes became a famous Wizard. Gaining himself a painting and hallway named in his homage at Hogwarts as well as a Frog Card, which we all know is an honour greater than even an order of Merlin.

QUIBBLER EDUCATION

A Cacophony of Cults

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In our Winter 2021 edition, we at the Quibbler warned you for the dangers posed by MLAP, a cult quickly taking Hogwarts by storm. We regret to inform you that our further research into the matter has revealed that MLAP is but the tip of the iceberg. The true extent of the cultish presence on the Hogwarts’ grounds is far, far worse than we could ever have imagined.

plant-wellbeing. I am just happy to tutor such enthusiastic and engaged students.” Another perk of the extra Herbology lessons is that they have created a cosmetics line. 100% biological, 100% beautiful. We received a free sample from one of the cult’s members, and agree the quality is extremely high. We can particularly recommend the ‘rose-red lipstick’ and ‘shimmering eyelash’-mascara.

Our question as to how this all started was met with surprised faces. “How do you mean, ‘how this all started’? Everybody knows the story of Hogwarts’ four founders, right?” Further probing and some journalist-‘proper research methods’-lingo finally resulted in an answer. “Well, the Hogwarts houses are sort of like cults, right? They all have their own mantra, people from outside of your house don’t know where your gathering place [common room, ed.] is or how to get in, people within a house tend to stick together and not interact with those outside of it… The founders must have known what they were doing when they decided to divide literal 11-year-olds into sub-groups. So yeah, I am a proud member of the Research and Analysis/Veneration Education/ Newspeak Chronicles of Letters, Agitprop and Works, aka R.A.V.E.N.C.L.A.W., cult. Anyway, I have to go to class, so is this enough information?” Well, it was for sure enlightening!

Members of the Anti-MLAP cult were more than happy to speak to the Quibber, although they did request to stay anonymous. “MLAP might seem like a great group to be part of, and they are when you start, but once you are properly in...” The student shuddered. “Let’s just say that the pies and extra Herbology classes aren’t worth the horror of those awful gifs!” (See our previous report for further information). A different student passing by simply shrugged. “It’s funnier to be against them, I’m anti-MLAP more as part of a bit.” He walked off without further comment.

Whilst calling the famous Hogwarts founders cult leaders might be a bit extreme for most readers, it is true that the strict separation and competition between houses seems strange. It creates the idea that enclosed groups within a larger setting are okay and normal, something to be praised, even. It is no surprise that this makes Hogwarts a breeding ground for further groups like these. We have, of course, previously extensively discussed MLAP. This organisation seems to be the entry point for most cult members. They have many members, are very vocal, and actively advertise, offering pie to new members and working together with Professor Longbottom to breed plants to further insect-wellbeing. Conversation with Professor Longbottom revealed he is ignorant - or at least, he is pretending to be so - of the students’ cultish links. “They are just passionate about the environment and about how Herbology can help make a positive difference in the preservation efforts of various insects integral for

Anti-MLAP does not seem to be the only cult that has positioned itself in opposition to the one who started it all - if you exclude the founders, of course. BAG, whose logo seems to be a bag with peacock feathers (“but is so much more,” according to one report), has positioned themselves firmly against MLAP as well. “Bagcock is just infinitely better. Bagcock is patient and kind, and encourages artistic projects. And look, they give out free bookmarks! Who am I to refuse free bookmarks?” A valid question indeed. And the bookmarks are stunning, of high quality and they remember which page that-one-quote-you-read-earlier-that-you-didn’t-copy-but-you-did-need-for-youressay is located. Incredibly helpful! Editor’s Note: As we wrapped up this report, we heard rumours of BAG and MLAP working together and pretending to be against each other for advertising purposes. We did not have time to confirm these rumors before the Quibbler went to the presses, but we felt it was important to inform our readers of these allegations regardless. From (anti-)MLAP and BAG, it is easy to step into other cults. No cult, save for one, requires its members to give up membership to other cults. In fact, for some cults multi-memberships are actively encouraged. “It helps us keep below the radar. It also makes it more mysterious. Who is part of which group is never 100% certain. It adds to the experience.” Which

Photo by Northwoods Murphy on Pexels

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experience exactly was not specified. One of these cults expressidly encouraging multi-cult membership is the triad headed by The Lurking God. This cult, in collaboration with H and BOO share a leader, the ever-present Kev, also known as kHev. “How do I even begin to explain kHev?” one Ravenclaw pondered when we requested more information. “kHev is flawless.” Another student told us that “he has 2 extra screens, and a silver laptop.” This caused a further wave of admiring comments, including but not limited to “I hear his devices are insured for $10.000!” “I hear he does code tutorials… in Japan!” “His favourite movie character is HAL9000.” “One time, he met Elon Musk on a plane. And he told him he was a genius.” “One time, he punched me in the face… It was awesome.” A wide variety of stories, suffice to say. This, in addition to his Lurking God status, has evidently caused this triad of cults to arise around him. “kHev is just kHev, y’know,” one of the students told us before shouting BOO so loudly that we are now still stained with the magical ink Starflash demands we use to take notes during our research. Any further attempts at extracting more information about H and BOO sadly resulted in solely dead ends. ‘No cults, save for one,’ we said. But which one? Well, the anti-cult cult is extremely strict in tracking its members memberships to other cults. No participation in any other cultish activities is allowed. When we noted that they themselves sounded like quite a bit of a cult themselves, with their ‘orientation ceremonies’ being rumoured to be more like ‘brainwashing ceremonies’, we were told to vacate the premises. It almost resulted in a full-on Wizard-duel like the magical world has not seen since ‘98, if an adorable ginger tabby cat had not interfered and started circling our legs. “That is Goose,” we were informed by a blonde alumni, visiting the Tower for research purposes. “He’s the leader of the Cult of Goose.” Goose, meanwhile, after effortlessly diffusing the tension, had returned to his spot in the sun. “He’s the Ultimate Deity of peace and does not tolerate conflict of any kind. He is worshipped by all, even those who claim to be against ‘this whole cult business’. He is simply too good to ignore. The Goose cult just exists to spread as many pictures of cute cats as possible, he has temples all around the world.” That would explain the new cat-mural on the entrance wall of Diagon Alley,

and the Daily Prophet’s report on the sudden surge of popularity around the Sphinx in Egypt. “The cute cat cult is related to him. The difference? Well, the Cult of Goose’s main focus is peace, which is partly obtained through spreading cute cat pictures. The cute cat cult is more focussed on increasing the number of cat pictures existing on this planet.” Goose is only one of the two deitie of this ‘duotheon’. He stands alongside Sam the Guinea pig, who spreads joy amongst all. “I mean, look at that face! Look at those eyes! Look at that fur! How can you be sad whilst being in Sam’s presence?!” It seems, then, that not all cults are nefarious. This was confirmed when dinner time arrived and mashed potatoes were served. The conversations at the Ravenclaw table were certainly different than we remembered having during our time at Hogwarts. Where we talked about assignments and gossipped about professors, here the conversation was more like this: “Potato.” “Potato potato.‘ “Potatoes?” “Potato.” One intercepted note merely had a detailed drawing of a potato on it. Any and all further inquiries were answered simply with “potato”, another note with a potato drawing, or an actual, real life potato. The symptoms point to this being yet another cult, though we could not be 100% sure. Our suspicions that food-related cults exist, however, were confirmed when we saw a large fight break out one table over. “Oh, those are the banana cults back at it again,” a student next to us sighed as he reached over to spoon more roasted potatoes on his plate. “I think that’s,” he said, whilst pointing at the yellow-dressed group, “the pro-banana cult, who insist that bananas are absolutely delicious, the best thing to ever have happened. They have even finally decided on the right way to peel a banana, although they are strangely cryptic about it.” After the fight had cooled down we were confronted with their elusive answers as well. “How do you peel a banana? Well, with the correct side up, of course,” was the incredulous answer we received, before being dragged away by someone in the anti-banana cult who spent the rest of our evening explaining why exactly bananas are the worst thing to ever have happened to humanity and the world in general. The next morning, we noticed that those eating porridge exchanged strange looks with each other. Still

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on high alert from our previous food-related cult discoveries, we later apprehended some of them in the halls. It proved to be of little use though. All simply stared at us blankly, repeating “You are what you eat. You are porridge. You are what you eat. You are porridge,” over over and over again. Eventually, we just had to let them go to class. Our advice for parents throughout the entire United Kingdom is, however, to try to avoid feeding your children porridge, for at least a little while. As we were standing there defeated, some young Hufflepuffs carrying a huge plate of deliciously smelling cookies approached us. “Courtesy of the cookie cult! We meet Wednesdays after class in the Hogwarts kitchens to bake together and exchange recipes. Everyone is welcome!” The next thing we remember after tasting one of their chocolate chip cookies was waking up in the astronomy tower surrounded by star-charts and extensive notes in our handwriting, even though we did not remember writing those down. “The cookies are hypnotic,” a different Hufflepuff informed us later. “It can be quite a shock when you try them for the first time, but it’s the ideal way of getting assignments done. The work you produce after eating a cookie is never wrong.” With that knowledge in mind we refused any further cookie-offerings, but we did send our notes to Starflash, who, after receiving them, did not leave her office for a full month in order to research them. We personally still have no idea what they mean, but we leave the future to the professionals. However, our boss does not seem to be the only professional in the future-seeing field. After leaving the Hogwarts grounds following the directions given to us by a kind Slytherin sixth-year, we talked to The Daughters of the Future, who are also in-the-know about what is yet to come. The mystery surrounding this cult is big. It seems to be led by three mysterious women, who See the future and make minor adjustments to ensure that everything goes right. “The main lines of Fate are unavoidable, of course,” we were informed. “But there are some small things open for change. And in some situations, making those changes can be the difference between life and death, and in those cases we do our all in order to save as many lives as possible.” The costs of Seeing the future are high, however, and every member of the cult wears a mask to hide their face. “It is not an

identity issue, although our leaders do prefer to stay anonymous. Just because they do not want to be bombarded with people’s petty concerns. They’re too busy ensuring the Big Plan goes smoothly and with as little casualties as possible. But Seeing when you do not have a natural talent, like the one your employer Starflashfairy has, takes a toll. And that toll is not pretty.” We were later asked to leave a masked figure rocking back and forth on the ground alone. “Knowing the future can lead to plenty of existential crises. Just leave them be, they will be okay. Someone is already fetching them some soup.” One of this cult’s main concern is the Mob of the Living Fire, also known as MOTLF. Whilst the discussion of if fire is alive or not is one that has been discussed in plenty of Potions essays, filling book after book with the potential influences of fire on the quality and characteristics of the potions brewed above them, MOTLF has managed to find a solution. Using a sacred potion, they have managed to animate fire. Fire that has been treated with this potion, or fire kindled with previously treated fire, is undeniably alive. “Our goal is to cleanse the world through our Living Fire. Yes, it might mean that no further human life on Earth is possible, but that is a sacrifice we are willing to make. There are enough other planets us humans can live on, but the Fire has expressed a clear preference for planet Earth.” Further enquiries to these planets capable of hosting human life revealed that they were created by MOTLF themselves. “We are well-prepared, we don’t want to extinguish human life. We don’t want to extinguish anything. Moving mankind to the planets created through process of drembloctroqut is the ideal solution. The Living Fire can have Earth, yet humanity can still survive.” Humanity might indeed be able to survive, but only a small fraction of it. Prices for a spot on the worst of the drembloctroqut-planets start at 2 million galleons. It is unknown how exactly the MOTLF obtained this magical potion capable of animating fire, but The Primordial Syndicate might serve us with an answer. “Life is something treasured. It is such a wonderful gift, and any good gift should be shared. It is intensely selfish of those who live that we want to keep this life to ourselves. Everything should have a voice. Everything and everyone should be allowed to live. We are petitioning governments worldwide to help

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us in our cause.” Using various magical means, they have managed to make all things living. We had to stand up during this entire conversation, and use each other’s backs as support when penning down our notes. The tables and chairs walking around the place firmly refused to be used, and we could clearly not violate their wishes. The Primordial Syndicate spokeswoman did, however, firmly deny any connections to MOTLF. “Their goal of making Earth uninhabitable goes directly against our goal of bringing life to everyone on our planet, as well as the planet itself.” How MOTLF managed to make their fire alive, then, stays a mystery for now. Yet do not fret, dear readers, for many MOTLF members are also members of the Quibbler Cult. In fact, we host many shared activities! As one of their leaders, this part of the article took little research. We are not to be confused with the Quibbler itself: whilst not every member of the Quibbler staff is a member, but many of them are. It is more like a Quibbler fanclub, but more intense. At first glance, the unbreakable membership contract for this cult seems to read “Submit your life and loyalty to the Quibbler”, but looks can be deceiving. The document does, in fact, say “Submit your life and loyalty to the Quibbler”. This little stipulation is worth it, though, for all the Quibbler themed merch, DIY projects and fun competitions. Can you make the most ‘bizarre’ clothing, bracelets, necklaces, earrings, etc. within the shortest period of time? Or can you find the oldest editions of the Quibbler? If you ever want to see what ancient Quibbler editions looked like, simply contact a member of the Quibbler cult! We are, however, very protective of our collection, so if you value your life, it might be wise to not damage or stain our mint edition Quibblers… Related to the Quibbler Cult is the Mysterious Order of Friends of Lovegood, MOFL (not to be confused with MOTLF). This cult is completely devoted to their unending admiration of the best character ever, Luna Lovegood. Members pledge their allegiance to the Lovegood family and the Quibbler for which it stands. It is, then, no surprise that 100% of MOFL members are Quibbler Cult members. As if the existence of both MOTLF and MOFL isn’t confusing enough, the Minions of Left Foot (MOLF) are also quickly gaining numbers. Various secretaries of the different cult confirmed that mail often gets

confused. “We just put all of the wrongly delivered mail in two different boxes, one for either other cult. At the end of the day we all Apparate to a predetermined location where we exchange boxes. It’s frustrating, but it works.” The Minions of Left Foot believe that there should be nothing in this universe but left feet. They are headed by the mysterious being called The Great Left Foot (TGLF). Although it’s actions are kept painfully secret, plenty of rumours teach us that his business is scarily shady. Their goals are just as difficult (which is to say, impossible) to discover as those of the Cult of Nothing. The Quibbler’s conventional (and not-so-conventional) research methods, which have previously been extremely successful in discovering the truth behind Rotfang [Fall 2017, ed.], S.T.Y.L.E. [Winter 2021, ed.], the House Elf Hunger Games [Fall 2016, ed] and the ingredients used in Florean Fortescue’s Ice Cream Parlour [Summer 2018, ed.], amongst others, led to absolutely nothing. What is this cult? Who or what are its members? What do they stand for? Do they even exist? Even our most promising lead led to someone simply saying “it’s… Nothing.” Yet another secretive cult is that of redacted. Although we have spent several weeks trying to uncover what this cult’s goals, aims and dreams are, we could not find any rumours before this Quibbler had to be sent to the presses. But rest assured, we will continue our research and hope to one day be able to return to this story to extend this article and tell you, our dear readers, a saucy scoop about their dark agenda. Another fan of the dark is the Slaves of the Stars cult. Whilst they were hesitant to talk to us at first, once we offered a copy of the star charts we made inspired by the Cookie Cult, we gained their trust. “The Stars are just so beautiful, you know,” one of the members told us. “The leaders of our group are Stars who have sacrificed their celestial form, clothing themselves in a human body to grace us with their majestic presence. They can still communicate with the other Stars though, it is breathtaking. We hear their messages and try to ensure the will of the Stars happens on earth. Remember that gorgeous firework display all over England last week? [referencing the incident where magical firework spread throughout the sky, which left the MM with the task to obliviate

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hundreds of thousands of Muggles, ed.] That was us, the stars wanted to see a show! Every night, we sit outside to stare up at the stars. Preferably somewhere high, and somewhere desolate. We’re currently working on creating lights that will still allow for safety for humans at night, but won’t cause light pollution. The Stars want to be seen and praised, and they should be.” They stand in firm opposition to the Go the F*ck to Sleep cult, aka GTFTS, who regularly disturb their midnight stargazing. “Listen, I love the stars as much as anyone else, but sleep is important!” One member told us. “You simply need to get at least 8 hours of sleep, preferably up to 10 or 11 hours. And the hours before midnight count double towards your rest. Sleep is so important in order to live a healthy, happy life. We just want the best for everyone, so when we notice they are up at unreasonable hours, or when we see someone whose sleep schedule is just a huge mess, we’re here to help!” An admirable mission indeed, and one we are most certainly not against. Especially when they noticed the bags under our eyes and practically forced us into one of the most comfortable beds I have ever had the pleasure of sleeping in. Once we were well-rested, we had the honour to speak with one of the cult’s high-ranking members. “Once you have more experience with sleep and are well-rested enough, and even then only if you volunteer and go through strict training, you can help us train what we call ‘sleep demons’. These creatures are intensely dangerous, but when properly controlled you can instantly make anyone who needs it fall asleep. And this person will not be woken unless they are either fully rested or in acute physical danger.” Whilst they could reveal little about the actual training practices (“We don’t want to encourage anyone doing this without the proper supervision”), they did want to tell us about the first step. “The first step is being possessed by a trained sleep demon.” What was this experience like? That they were willing to share as well. “I do not remember anything that happened during the possession, it was like I was dreaming. Everything went black, and when I regained consciousness I felt very groggy. I do vaguely remember strange things, like a distorted image of a lavender colored bird with the face of a penguin floating in mid-nothing…” Whilst their feud with the Slaves of the Stars cult is

most well known, our contact expressed concern about the Blackjack Cult. For sake of proper research we spoke to them as well, but we sadly gambled away our permissions to report on our findings. On to a cult of which more is known: the Cult of XAN. Whilst it is easy to be fooled into believing this cult was founded alongside the other wave of new cults previously discussed in this article, XAN has actually existed for quite some time, gaining new traction now cults are back in fashion. Their slogan is ‘Help Xani can Standopi, you’re our only hope.’ The earliest signs we could find of the cult’s presence date back to 1843, with the first ever temple built to worship the Holy Xan - located in New York, North America - being founded in 1845. It is inscribed with a poem dating back to 1849, which has been decoded recently by a group of faithful Xan members. This deciphering was made possible through the help of the Cult of K9, whose goal is, and we quote, “conquering the world with spreadsheets.” They firmly believe in K9’s power to take over optimise the world single-spreadsheetly. As long-time employees of the Quibbler we can certainly confirm that spreadsheets are very powerful things, and advice to all to be sufficiently careful in their dealings with this cult. One of their spreadsheets did confirm that the Blame Soni cult, whose motto is ‘when in doubt, blame Soni’, is indeed correct. “Statistically speaking, Soni is indeed very often to blame.” From here we have only two more cults that are named after people. The first is Zaddy’s Daddies, who pride themselves on having a Zach in their lives. The second is one I never thought I was gonna have to give you an update on, as everyone knows the rules: the Rick Roll cult is exactly, and by that I truly do mean exactly, what you think it is. Now that you have that cheery and catchy song stuck in your head, I hope you won’t be too depressed when I inform you about two darker cults. Firstly, the Cult of the Sacrificial Lamb. Any attempts at extracting more information about this cult solely led to little pictures - which we were later informed are called ‘emoodzjiez’ - of lambs and bombs. Whilst this is little information to go on, it certainly does not bode well.

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The Cult of Archer, meanwhile, though also dark and scary, is a very unique cult. While all of the other cults have somewhat of a purpose, the motivations of this cult have been unclear for a long time. They worship pentagrams and claim that they can hear callings from the spirit of the pentagram. They were the ones who discovered demon poop, and it certainly has had a lasting effect on them… Let’s just quickly move on from this disturbing group and instead talk about the Snoocult. This cult, as you might have already guessed, loves all things Snoo. They have a lot of Snoo merchandise - including but not limited to Snoomojis, t-Snoorts, necklaces, bracelets and Snoo-shaped food items - and offer various types of Snoo-personality quizzes and Snoo mood trackers. And their Snoo-themed events are incredibly fun to attend! Contrary to popular belief, attending these does not automatically mean you are a member. Even if it did, it is most certainly not a bad cult to be a member of. No, we were not paid to write that, those boxes of Snoo merchandise are in our offices for completely different, non-bribery related reasons! Speaking of !, it is wise to avoid the excessive use of this punctuation mark in the foreseeable future. It has inspired the enthusiastic cult of ! to perceive the world with unending optimism. Whilst this, at first glance, might sound like a great thing, there are some situations that require a bit less enthusiastic joy. Like when your family’s loyal pet owl, whom you grew up with and who has served you so well for so long, passes away. At those moments, receiving a note saying that ‘!!!!!! Now you can buy a new pet!!!!!!’ might not really be desirable. What nobody (save for perhaps MOTLF) can deny is desirable, however, is saving the planet and equality for all. These are the goals of the final two cults we will share with you today: the Car cult and a cult known as Yee-Claw. ‘A car cult saving the planet,’ you might ask, ‘how is that even possible?’ Well, people in the Car cult believe that the whole world is a race track. They just want to drive excessively fast cars all around the world. But because they care about the environment and because they do not want to die, they have, since their founding, found many different, innovative ideas to reduce pollution. Their newly invented fuel with minimal exhaust gas will revolutionise the world. In time, however, as it is unavailable to

the public as of publishing this article. “We’re working very hard on making this accessible as quickly as possible, but we have not yet built much of the groundwork necessary for mass production. But keep an eye out!” That we certainly will, and rest assured, once it is ready for mainstream consumption the Quibbler is sure to tell you all about it! This brings us to our final cult for today: Yee-Claw. “Yee-Claw is a cowpeople cult. Everyone is valid, so we have done away with the ‘cowboy’ label. We accept all genders, whether male, female, anything in-between or outside of that. And you’re welcome if you have no gender as well!” They strive for peak inclusivity and equality, and always have a cowpeople hat at their disposal. These are decorated in all kinds of colours and patterns, and are often bedazzled or embroidered. “We decorate them to show off our unique personalities. You can make one for your own personality, or make one for someone else to show them how you perceive them to be,” one person with a gorgeous pink cowpeople hat told us. “I got this one from a friend of mine, who told me they really love how caring I am, and how I am always there to help people. I never really realised how much people valued my basic hospitality, so it was really lovely to receive this hat. It won a prize! I wear it with pride.” The prize this wonderful cow-person was referring to is one of the Yee-Claw’s monthly cow-contests, in which the best decorated hat is awarded the coveted Cow Hat Award. Now, if you will excuse me, we have a cow-people hat to decorate… We started this research (blissfully) unaware of many of the cults that are silently taking over the United Kingdom and the rest of the world. We believe that the over 35 cults we have reported on here are but a small window into the true extent of cults taking over. Even whilst writing this conclusion, an owl arrived with an anonymous note informing us of the existence of yet another cult we had not yet heard of. The battle against the cult is not one we, you, or anyone else can win (let alone our grossly incompetent Ministry). The one thing left for us to do is to stay informed, to talk to our loved ones about the consequences of participating in cults, and to pledge our loyalty to the Quibbler Cult, who promises to give you and those around you the scoop on all cultish happenings in your surroundings.

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QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT etc., etc. With their microphones off, they can discuss the answers with each other and nobody outside of their team can hear it. Each team should make sure to pick one representative who sends you their answers.

Host Your Own Pub Quiz (Butterbeer Not Included) - Eldis_

Ah, I miss the days of sitting in a pub, surrounded by friends, and finishing last in the pub quiz. Actually, the fact that I usually finish last is why I pivoted to making the pub quizzes myself, so I at least know the answer. It’s a lot more fun seeing everyone else struggle, rather than being the one struggling yourself. But the pub quiz days have been over for quite some time and I scarcely doubt they’ll return soon. However, I am not going to let that stop me! Nor should you let it stop you. So gather some friends on Zoom/Google Meet/Microsoft Teams/whichever other platform, crack open a butterbeer and host your own pub quiz with these questions!

First, some tips for online hosting. If your group is small enough to have everyone competing for themselves, without a team, you can all gather together in one call. Copy/ paste or screenshot the questions into a powerpoint presentation you can present during the quiz. Read each question out loud, give the contestants about 10-15 seconds to write down their answer, and move on to the next question. Once the round is over, let them text you their answers privately and, after you’ve made sure every contestant has submitted their answers, go through the questions once more, revealing the answers! If your group is large enough to allow for teams, the main principle is the same. Gather everyone in one big call and present the powerpoint but let everyone mute their microphones and gather in groups on a different platform: a team can Whatsapp/Facebook/Instagram group-videocall each other, be in a separate discord voice channel, 36

It might help to present with someone else so that one person can present and the other can correct the answers. As far as prizes go, it depends on what your group decides. Does everyone want to pitch in to order pizza delivery to the winner(s)’s home? Or to send them some other package as a reward? Or do you play for bragging rights? You can also promise that the person who wins will, once all of *gestures* this is over, get one night of infinite butterbeers at a pub of choice when you can all hang out in real life again! Make sure the winner is responsible for remembering that promise ;). This pub quiz consists of 7 rounds with 8 questions each, including a picture round. If you want, you can add your own music round! Depending on where you are and who your friends are, you might want to translate these questions to your native language if that makes things easier. Additionally, look through the questions to see how feasible they are. I have tried to make the questions semi-universal but, being European, I kind of have to stick to Western knowledge since that is the knowledge I have! And, having a BA in English Language & Culture, the literature round is just to indulge myself. Feel free to change the order of the rounds (they’re currently ordered arbitrarily) to what you feel will keep your audience the most engaged. Without further ado, let’s get quizzing! 1. SCIENCE 1. What is the atomic number of Arsenic (As)? a. 13 b. 29 c. 33 d. 54 2. What is the formula for KwH? a. 3.6 x 10⁶ J b. 6.3 x 106 J c. 3.6 / 106 J d. 6.3 / 107 J

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER 3. 1 equals 0.99999999999999999[99999… infinitely repeating] a. True b. False 4. What is the average speed of blood in the body of an adult human male? a. 2-3 mph (3.2-4.8 km/h) b. 3-4 mph (4.8-6.4 km/h) c. 4-5 mph (6.4-8 km/h) d. 5-6 mph (8-9.7 km/h) 5. Which of the following is not a reactive nonmetal? a. Oxygen b. Phosphorus c. Bromine d. Radon 6. What does not happens inside the lungs? a. The creation of blood cells b. The extraction of oxygen from the atmosphere c. The muscle movement needed to breathe d. The destruction of debris and microbes that enter the lung 7. How much taller is the Eiffel Tower in summer, due to thermal expansion? a. Up to 10 cm b. Up to 15 cm c. Up to 20 cm d. Up to 25 cm 8. Which of the following letters does not appear on the periodic table? a. J b. U c. V d. W 2. HISTORY 1. The Olympic Games once gave out awards for art a. True b. False 2. What was, as far as we know, the first empire in the world? a. Egypt b. Greece c. Akkadia d. Lanacin

3. What is the oldest written language still in use? a. Hebrew b. Latin c. Sumerian d. Chinese 4. When was the battle of Hastings? a. 14 October 1166 b. 8 August 1077 c. 8 August 1066 d. 14 October 1066 5. Which is the oldest? a. Taj Mahal b. Dolmen de Viera c. Great Pyramid of Giza d. Great Wall of China 6. What, according to Norse mythology, were the names of the first two humans? a. Askr & Embla b. Hœnir, & Guðrun c. Eldir & Embla d. Askr & Agna 7. When was the microscope invented? a. ±1460 b. ±1590 c. ±1640 d. ±1730 8. Windsor Castle is the oldest, still inhabited castle in the world. Who ordered it to be built? a. Cnut the Great b. William the Conqueror c. Henry I d. Edward II 3. ENGLISH LITERATURE 1. Who wrote the Middle English poem Piers Plowman? e. Geoffrey Chaucer f. Margery Kempe g. Thomas Hoccleve h. William Langland 2. What was George Orwell’s real name? a. Eric Arthur Blair b. Georgiana Orwell c. Clive Staples Blair d. George Orwell Jr.

QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT 3. How long is Victor Hugo’s longest printed sentence? a. 1003 words b. 751 wrds c. 823 words d. 508 words 4. The earliest recorded use of the word ‘wicked’ was in... a. Frank Baum’s the Wonderful Wizard of Oz b. J.M. Barrie’s Peter Pan c. F. Scott Fitzgerald’s This Side of Paradise d. Oscar Wilde’s The Picture of Dorian Grey 5. Part of John Steinbeck’s original manuscript of Of Mice and Men was eaten by... a. A mouse b. A squirrel c. A dog d. A cow 6. Aside from the Bible, which book has been translated into the most languages? a. Jehova Witness’ What Can the Bible Teach Us? b. Lewis Carol’s Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland c. Hans Christian Andersen’s Andersen’s Fairy Tales d. Antoine de Saint Exupéry’s The Little Prince 7. Which were, according to academic consensus, Shakespeare’s first and final plays? a. Love Labour’s Lost was the first, Othello the last b. The Taming of the Shrew was the first, The Tempest the last c. The Comedy of Errors was the first, Cymbeline the last d. Two Gentlemen of Verona was the first, The Two Noble Kinsmen last 8. From which book is the (slightly redacted, to make it not too easy) quote “He had, in fact, (...) been nothing better than a thick-headed, unfeeling, unprofitable Dick (...), who had never done anything to entitle himself to more than the abbreviation of his name, living or dead.” a. Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre b. Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights c. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein d. Jane Austen’s Persuasion

4. NOTABLE PEOPLE 1. Kate Middleton is the Duchess of… a. Wales b. Sussex c. Cambridge d. Cornwall 2. Wim Hof, also known as ‘The Iceman’, reached the peak of Mount Everest wearing nothing but shorts and shoes a. True b. False 3. When did Bill Gates start working on what would later become Microsoft? a. 1973 b. 1975 c. 1977 d. 1979 4. Who has published the most books? a. Stephen King b. Ursula Bloom c. Barbara Cartland d. L. Ron Hubbard 5. Archie Thompson holds the record for the most goals scored by a single player in a single soccer match. How many goals did he score? a. 7 b. 10 c. 13 d. 15 6. Where was President Joseph R. Biden Jr. born? a. Scranton, Pennsylvania b. Bellefonte, Pennsylvania c. Baraboo, Wisconsin d. Sheboygan, Wisconsin 7. Since when has Angela Merkel been Bundeskanzler of Germany? a. 2003 b. 2005 c. 2007 d. 2009 8. Who of the following was part of the Apollo 11 crew, the first manned mission to land on the moon? a. Richard F. Gordon b. Alan L. Bean c. Fred W. Haise, Jr. d. Michael Collins

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5. PICTURE ROUND

QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT 6. PLACES 1. When was the first ever recorded instance of anyone in England having a cup of tea? a. 25 September 1660 b. 11 November 1853 c. 30 October 1797 d. 4 April 1803 2. Since when has the word ‘tourist’ been used? a. 1670 b. 1441 c. 1760 d. 1910 3. Which language is the happiest language in the world (has the most positive words in the 10.000 most used words) a. Chineese b. Korean c. English d. Spanish

7. LINGUISTICS 1. What does ‘chaogenous’ mean? a. Born from or originating in chaos b. The study of the creation of the universe from chaos c. Divination through the interpretation of the air, weather, or other atmospheric phenomenon d. Of or resembling primordial chaos 2. What does the Welsh word ‘gwdihŵ’ mean? a. Good day b. Owl c. Groceries d. Wish

4. In which country are the most languages spoken? a. Indonesia b. Papua New Guinea c. Nigeria d. China

3. Which of the following is the Icelandic word for ‘man’? a. Maður b. Mörður c. Hann d. Munu

5. What is the largest land national park by area? a. Manú National Park in the regions of Madre de Dios and Cusco in Peru b. Kruger National Park in South Africa c. Vatnajökull National Park in Iceland d. Northeast Greenland National Park in Greenland

4. You can recognise the regular Latin imperfect tense by... a. The suffix -rimus b. The interfix -bac. The interfix -ded. The prefix -ap

6. What is the world’s youngest sovereign state? a. South-Sudan b. Timor-Leste c. Montenegro d. Slovakia 7. How deep is the deepest point known on earth? a. 9.62 kilometres (31,564 feet) b. 10.91 kilometres (35,814 feet) c. 11.92 kilometres (39,109 feet) d. 12.91 kilometres (42,341 feet)

8. How many people live in the world’s most populated city (in 2020)? a. 29 million b. 34 million c. 37 million d. 41 million

5. Which languages contain the word ‘macabro’, which means gruesome? a. Italian & Portuguese b. Italian & Spanish c. Portuguese & Spanish d. All of the above are correct 6. Which of the following is not a fictional language? a. Lupine b. Na’vi c. Ptydepe d. Uyghur 7. Which of the following is true? a. Dutch has not undergone the High German consonant shift b. Dutch does not have grammatical genders c. Both these statements are true d. Both these statements are false

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER 8. Which language uses the following letters ‘Ա Բ Գ Դ Ե’? a. Armenian b. Georgian c. Macedonian d. Syriac

Host Your Own Pub Quiz (Answers) - Eldis_ SCIENCE 1. C, 33 2. A, 3.6 x 106 J 3. True 4. B, 3-4 mph (4.8-6.4 km/h) 5. D, Radon 6. C, The muscle movement needed to breathe 7. C, up to 15 cm 8. A, J HISTORY 1. True 2. C, Akkadia 3. D, Chinese 4. D, 14 October 1066 5. C, Great Pyramid of Giza 6. A, Askr & Embla 7. B, ±1590 8. B, William the Conqueror

PICTURE ROUND 1. B, Feather Duster Worm 2. A, Rosy Maple Moth 3. C, Long-nosed Monkey 4. D, Greater Sage-grouse 5. A, Pangolin 6. D, Black-bellied Hamster 7. B, Striped Pyjama Squid 8. A, Purple Finch GEOGRAPHY 1. A, 25 September 1660 2. C, 1760 3. D, Spanish 4. B, Papua New Guinea 5. D, Northeast Greenland National Park in Greenland 6. A, South-Sudan 7. B, 10.91 kilometres (35,814 feet) 8. B, 34 million LINGUISTICS 1. A, Born from or originating in chaos 2. B, Owl 3. A, Maður 4. B, The interfix -ba5. D, All of the above 6. D, Uyghur 7. A, Dutch has not undergone the High German consonant shift. 8. A, Armenian

ENGLISH LITERATURE 1. D, William Langland 2. A, Eric Arthur Blair 3. C, 823 words 4. C, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s This Side of Paradise 5. C, a dog 6. D, Antoine de Saint Exupéry’s The Little Prince 7. D, Two Gentlemen of Verona was the first, The Two Noble Kinsmen last 8. D, Jane Austen’s Persuasion NOTABLE PEOPLE 1. C, Cambridge 2. False 3. B, 1975 4. D, L. Ron Hubbard 5. C, 13 6. A, Scranton, Pennsylvania 7. B, 2005 8. D, Michael Collins

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k9 Korner Hey-o! k9 here, I have been on vacation the last few months, hope I haven't missed much. For this k9 Korner I will be going over some new social activities that are sure to go viral:

Dementor Kiss-o-Gram Relay races, where teams pass a playing card down the line using only their lips!

Devil’s Snare Detangler Grasp hands from a pile, and try and detangle yourselves out into a ring, best in groups of 10+

Owlery Lick-a-Thon Pass around a tootsie roll pop, taking turns licking it, first to reach the center wins!

For more details, turn to the next page!

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HAHAHA APRIL FOOLS Here at the Quibbler (and many home offices) we believe in safe practices and social distancing to protect all - witches and muggles alike. Hopefully as new medical advances develop, you can begin to engage in safe and healthy social gatherings. Here are some Harry Potter themed activities that allow for responsibly sized and spaced fun. Don't Splinch Two or more players. Provide large circled-off areas, 6 feet in diameter each, similar to the Apparition lessons at Hogwarts. Everyone takes turns being the Instructor. Each turn, everyone chants together, "Destination, Determination, and Deliberation!" Then the Instructor will yell out a simple instruction (touch your nose) while performing any OTHER simple action (lift a leg). Everyone else has to mimic what the instructor says only. Anyone that fails, gets a mark against them. Player with the fewest marks wins. For added challenge, switch between copying what is said or done between rounds.

Salvio Hexia Requires a clear shower curtain (or other similarly transparent barrier) suspended between two players. The shower curtain should be decorated with sharpies or double sided images. The first player will tap a color/image. The other player taps that same color/image, and then another one. This repeats, each player completing the established pattern and adding on to it, until one misses and the other is declared the winner.

The New Howler Make sure everyone washes their hands well before participating. This requires an inflated red balloon, a stop watch of some kind, and a small group of people standing in a well-spaced circle. The balloon gets tossed into the air back and forth, with everyone counting along to see how many "boops" you manage to keep it in the air for. No grabbing the balloon, only booping it. The last one to touch the balloon before it drops is the recipient of the "howler", and everyone else gets to yell at them for however many seconds equal to the number of boops BUT they can only shout positive messages and compliments.

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A GLIMPSE INTO

THE ANNUAL EMERALD ROAD TRIP

By Milomi10

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THE ANNUAL EMERALD ROAD TRIP

“Okay guys, LISTEN UP! We need a nice photo with everyone smiling for the magazine. We can’t mess this up so I-” “I’ll take over from here, Mel. Hey you, Kim: STOP PLAYING WITH JAFAR! THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL-” Another voice erupted from the end of the line, “SHUT UP, IRA. And I know you love Jafar…” “Tara, I’ve told you before! No gin and whisky in the morning, that goes for you guys too. Stop frowning-” One of the photographers started complaining, “I don’t know what I’m doing, but this is so hard. And that line is so very long, I-” “Ted don’t say it-” “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!” “Hi Meghan, dear. Stop scowling for a minute, I promise I will take you ring-shopping tomorrow. Just a photograph, sweetie. Please with a cherry-” “But I don’t like cherries! I only like chocolate and-” She was drowned by two people arguing over knives and guns, and which was a better murder

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weapon. Ryan and Leona did that all day, but this time they were hustled back in line by Abigail. “No, I don’t want to know why a rifle is useful. You can tell me all about it on the bus, just do this for Ira and-” “Oh Stelle, there you are! Can you fix Colly’s-” “LISTEN UP, PEOPLE. EVERYONE GETS FREE DOUGHNUTS AND COFFEE IF YOU SHUSH AND SMILE! How does that sound?” Sandra bellowed, This was only the start of the and everyone stopped talking for a moment. Annual Emerald Road Trip, A few seconds later, applause broke out and everyone was grinning. and there was much in store Ira rolled their eyes (though secretly happy about the doughnuts), for us. The Emeralds are a grabbed Fiona and Ryan, and stood in the middle of the big line for the photo. Hats were adjusted, cloaks were straightened and poses group of witches and wizards were adopted. who believe in having fun on “Smile on three. ONE. TWO. AND CHEEEESE!” There was a flash, a loud bang, and the photo had been taken… finally.

the weekends. We also believe in cozy blankets, pets, jokes, green, pirates, and (uhh) a

Muggle actor whose name I The photographers and editors let out a long-held breath, and went keep forgetting. It was someback to work in relief. The group, all clad in green, were busy helping themselves noisily to doughnuts and coffee. We would leave in thing along the lines of Belefict some time, all clambering to fit in the bus and fighting for seats. Cucumberpatch? -An excerpt from my upcoming book

CHAPTER 4: THE BUS RIDE The bus was painted in a midnight green with a Basilisk on it too! It looked huge enough to fit the thirty-three of us, and I knew it would be bigger inside. We all pushed our way through into the bus and started picking seats. The bus was spacious and had pretty windows! In case it was too cold with them open, someone had cast a Temperature Charm so it’d be comfortable at all times. Each seat was large enough for five to fit, and it didn’t feel cramped up at all. Sean was carrying something called an ox- no wait, it’s spelled aux. This is what he told me: “It plays music, Mira. The Muggles use it a lot, and it’s way better than the cracking radio we carry.” I don’t know how it worked, but it was there so we used it. Ryan was helping Abigail levitate our luggage into the bus, while Ira made sure everyone was on the bus. We were busy helping ourselves to juice and waffles from the spread on the back seats. (What can I say, we like our food very much!)

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The last person to get on the bus was Stelle, who had to go back to the magazine office to grab her second pair of shoes. “You know I can’t wear sneakers with a dress! Not to mention, I tend to lose my shoes very often. So, it’s good to keep another pair handy,” she reasoned. Mel nodded vigorously, and Ira ushered her in. There was a last minute check, and then we were ready to leave! Cheers and hoots filled the air and some part of me felt the resounding joy. Someone released a bunch of ribbons, bubbles, and confetti from their wands. Chants of: “HIP HIP-” “HOORAY!” were shouted and it was then that everyone knew that the road trip had (officially) begun. Once the excitement had quietened down, Sean set up the aux, beaming at the results of his efforts. He made a list of all the songs we told him to play and a couple of his favourites. He then used the Songster to make the aux play these songs. Some of the songs played were by Radiohead, Bryan Adams, The Script, Taylor Swift (Coral’s favourite singer) and Fleetwood Mac. A lot of new songs were played too, and quite a few of the old favourites.

I’m glad to be part of the Emeralds and (with their permission) have documented our travels. I haven’t revealed any

“Can we play Kodaline!?” Ted asked excitedly. He had to explain to a few of us that Kodaline was not a game, but a band. “It really sounds like a game, to be honest.” “I think it sounds more like a candy...”

At that moment, Ira came running to where we were sitting. “Did someone say candy!?” We shrugged and Ted pulled out some candy to our story. The book doesn’t from his bag and offered some to them. I won’t blame Ira, no one focus much on where we went, can resist candy. of their names, but have stuck

but rather on what happened

Meanwhile, Tara was offering Kim some champagne as they played during our journey. I hope you Truth or Dare with a few others. Sandra was laughing at the scene, enjoy (“Ryan, I’ll add the bit but went along nonetheless. Their laughter infected the whole bus as more joined the Truth or Dare game. Soon enough, all of us were about budgies LATER. And I playing! know how to write, so go and I turned my head to see everyone sitting and saw that Jafar was help Mel set up!” “Hmph.”) wrapped around Ava’s neck, who was grinning and talking softly our story and I’ve included a to our (The Emeralds’) pet snake. A lot of people had their pets small chapter from the same! on their laps or next to them. Once we found a nice bit of scenery, Fiona and Mel had arranged to have a small pet photoshoot. Hopefully, the pets wouldn’t make as much of a fuss as we had (hmm)! I tuned into their conversation as they started a new round. Rules were explained once again.

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You could pick Truth or Dare, and someone would give you either a question to answer (truth) or something to do (dare). If you don’t want to attempt something, you can refuse to… but with serious consequences of course. You get Silencio’d for half an hour, and no sweets during that time. However, you can only refuse three times during the whole game. (We need to finish the sweets so we can buy more.) “Let’s start off easy with Ryan! This was your idea, so you can go first. Okay, truth or dare?” Sandra asked. Ryan grunted and chose dare.

We might seem like an odd group, but are quite unique. Our annual road trips are spectacular and people say we do a lot of things which aren’t usually practiced. For example, we are armed with weapons at all times which are hidden in secret places, and we also

“Be a budgie and go ask the driver for bread crumbs on all fours,” jump into waterfalls (with prosomeone challenged. (I told you I’d write about budgies, so here tective spells cast, of course). you go!) Doesn’t everyone...? He frowned, “Let’s do this. It shouldn’t be too hard.” I looked at Ted expectedly, who caught my eye and grinned. “That’s what she said,” Ted burst out, giggling now. He looked at me as if to say ‘You’ve learned well from me’, and I shrugged. Ryan shook his head and got ready to be a budgie. Colly and Mel had their cameras out, Leona was already laughing and the whole bus was cheering for him. Turning a deep shade of crimson, Ryan crouched and wore his cloak as if he were a bird. Abigail referenced a Muggle musical (it’s called Hamilton), “Well Ryan, history has its eyes on you! So don’t throw away your shot!” It was true actually, Colly got some nice photos but I won’t be able to share them with you. You are always welcome to owl me if you want the details though! Anyway, Ryan had started walking like a budgie and making his way towards the front of the bus to the driver. Tara had doubled over laughing and Kim had tears in her eyes! It was quite a sight to see. “Hey there… Mr. Driver Whose Name I Don’t Know, I’m going to go ahead with this.” “Hello ‘going to go ahead with this’, I’m Driver. You can call me ‘Driver’, my name’s too long.” Ryan rolled his eyes, glared at us and went on. “I’m a budgie. Can I please have some bread crumbs?” To his surprise, Driver threw a few bread crumbs towards him

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and smiled brightly. “Sure!” By the time the laughter had died down, everyone was back in their seats. It was Fiona’s turn next. Ryan asked her what she’d choose, and she chose ‘Truth’. “Hmm, do you like me?” “Wait, what do you mean by that?” Fiona seemed alarmed. “Nothing specific, just do you like me?” Ryan was smirking, but she ignored him. “You’ve got guts, I’ll give you that. And nah, Ira is better than you. Every time I see your face, I feel like c-ryaaa-in’, Ryan!” She high-fived Ira, and everyone raised eyebrows and nodded in approval. (Sidenote: Hi Ryan! Please don’t kill me! I can kill you first if you try to…) This game went on for some more time, people occasionally stopping to catch their breath after laughing. Leona was made to eat ten of Bertie Botts Every Flavoured Beans (picked out by us of course) and not spit any out. Tara cheered her on, and accompanied a few others in their drinking game. I had to conjure a crown so I’d be a princess and serenade Sean. (Ted, please delete those photos or I will come and burn them. And I also have a knife, so beware.) Meghan had to do a cheerleader dance she’d seen long ago, and Ted was dared to dance with Clara. One of the last rounds ended with Ryan professing his love for Sandra, and later admitting to having drunk a lot of Firewhisky. After the game, Ava passed around brownies and lemonade. Those brownies tasted like heaven, and I think many dozed off after eating them for they felt so nice. There certainly wasn’t any potion inside, but it could always be something from Hogsmeade. I ended up taking a small nap with Jafar, also to make sure the snake wouldn’t go and scare Driver. It was around four in the evening, and the bus was colder than usual so some people had cuddled up with blankets. Clara was looking out of the window, so I went over to her to talk. The aux was still playing music but it was softer compared to the music in the morning. More of music one could sleep to than dance to. Once everyone was awake, the bus had stopped so we could (uhh?) walk around. I like it indoors when it’s cold. It’s really not fun to wear so many layers, but I decided to get down nonetheless. Someone said I’d get ‘accustomed to the cold’ soon enough.

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“If you do it often, it becomes easier! And trust me, it’s not as tough as it looks.” I really couldn’t stop myself, and Ted nearby couldn’t. Colly and Clara had caught on too, and it came out as more of a chorus. “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!” We were met with heads shaking and a few giggles, but I laughed at the joke we’d made. The sun was setting and it was a beautiful sight. I got down, and looked at the sight. It warmed my heart. I looked around at the people I loved, and my heart melted. (No, my once frozen heart is not a puddle of water now.) Driver must’ve sensed it was a nice moment, so he too got down with a camera. This time, there was no shouting or screaming. Everyone was in place, some posing, some hugging, all smiling. Just knowing that everyone was there, made me happy. “Smile on three. ONE. TWO. AND CHEEEESE!” There was a flash, a loud sound, and the photo had been taken. Another memory we had captured. Everybody felt this feeling spreading through their hearts, (Again, no. Hearts do not rot.) and I was staring at the sunset and smiling for a whole two minutes. “Mira, we have to go! Get on the bus.” “Oh right...” I nodded sheepishly. “All of y’all: WE HAVE TO MOVE! I don’t have a Time Turner, and we need to reach the city before it’s late.” Abigail and Sandra started herding people onto the bus. “LISTEN UP, PEOPLE. EVERYONE GETS FREE DOUGHNUTS AND COFFEE IF YOU SHUSH AND SIT! How does that sound?” --You can buy a copy of the whole book via owl! -Mira

XANXANXANXAN

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The poem below dates back to the 15th of November, 1849. It is still inscripted on the sacred walls of the temple of Xan. A group of young individuals who are faithful members of the holy cult of Xan have finally been able to translate the mysterious language into English. The inscription turned out to be a prayer which goes like this:

Lord of wisdom, lord of wit The elite eagle of our aerie You’re too humble to admit But we know the weight you carry So with this little song We wish to appreciate you even more

Oh our fearless leader Guiding us along the way With your calm and collected demeanor You always hear what we have to say So with this little song We wish to tell you that you belong

From the other side of the globe You make your way To solve our problems, when we say “Help Xani Can Standopi you’re our only hope” So with this little song, we wish to convey How much we appreciate you, and that’s all we have to say

By u/mylifeambitiom

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The Cult of Ravenclaw (and all subcults) By GamingBeagle

Ravenclaw, where all things start Where the cult is an art Is it a cult however? Not according to the anti-cult endeavor Whatever they are They exist to be seen from afar MLAP, named after mylifeandpresents Chanting to all those in their presence Anti-MLAP, opposed to MLAP’s chant With their own ideology to implant A cat named Goose Only one able to create a truce BAG, weirdly engineered A bag with feathers is revered The Mob of the Living Fire, an interesting perspective A world on fire is their objective Yet everything is alive Due to the Primordial Syndicate’s ability to contrive Worshipping the stars, oh so gracious Is the Slaves of the Stars basis The Daughters of the Future’s schemes Seeing the future through illegal means XAN, where he is held high “Xani can standopi you’re our only hope” is our cry The lurking god Kev, leader of many Those under him are never too plenty Kev boos to warn Hence Boo was born The final cult under Kev’s directive H, a simple collective 54

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The nonexistent Order of Nothing For what is the purpose of anything? Bribery is widespread Yet one cult uses cookies instead Though potatoes are favored Because their cult never wavered Exclamation points reign supreme Due to wizCARDs need to team The cuteness overload From the taxes the cute cat cult owed Snoo smiles Through snoocult’s trials Right feet will not exist If the Minions of the Left Foot persist There was a need for a cowpeople cult Yee-claw was the result The rick roll will not die Because you know the rules and so do I The world needs to be a race track According to the car pack Noone can know anything As [redacted] redacts everything Spreadsheets are used to conquer the world As one cult’s plan unfurled Submit your life and loyalty to the Quibbler Or just submit, as a loyal scribbler

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“HOW I GOT MY DISCORD USERNAME” Z

Higher and higher I climbed, seeking enlightenment. It was the third mountain I’d climbed so far but, still, nothing. I had tried everything proven and unproven to help you think. It had been three years since I started and I was beginning to get desperate. And so I frantically climbed, still hoping to think of something, anything that I could use as my name. I had found nothing. That soon changed. Finally, I reached the peak of the mountain, and glimpsed the wise men that sat there. My fingers grasped the rocks on top and I slowly pulled myself up, adrenaline pump- ing through my veins and overpowering my exhaustion from days of climbing. One of the wise men opened his eyes and stared at my sweat and blood-covered figure standing twenty feet in front of him. “Why didn’t you just use the path?” he asked. I

looked over his s h o u l d e r. Sure enough, 56

tourists decked in fanny packs and beanies were stepping off a hiking path. In the distance I saw a parking lot. I sighed. And yet, I was determined. So I sat in front of him and meditated. There I sat for four days and nights, without food or sleep, before something finally came into my mind.

I was ecstatic. Nothing had ever felt this right. I meditated even harder, hoping to glean more inspiration, but that just broke my concentration. I resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn’t think of anything else, not on this mountain. The thought of that one letter pushed me forward for one whole year until I ended up in a spiritual guidance business in northeastern Russia. Even through the cold, I focused; harder than I had ever focused before. My eyes flew open.

I was so close. I could feel it. Sadly, the grandeur slowly faded to dust. I had nearly given up. Thirty-five years passed slowly, but still nothing. I began to regret many things. I had thrown away my life, perhaps. Or perhaps I truly lived it? These thoughts plagued me into my fifties, sitting in a chair on my porch as I watched my children with their children. I beamed with joy, for they were doing the same. My eyes closed and, through my happiness, a single letter came to

me.

On my deathbed, I lay. Seventy-seven years old. I had lived a

good life. I took my final breaths of life looking out at my children and their children and their children, and finally felt at peace. Even more than all those retreats to mountains, or dojos, or even therapists. I had lived a good life. As I took my final breath. I reached a shaky hand over and grabbed a pen. It glided over the paper, then dropped. The beeping was getting faster. My eyes circled to my family. Then, slowly, everything went black. My grandfather. My namesake. I read all his diaries. I found his letters. It took me months of dedication but finally I connected his work to one username. Z from the mountaintop. A from the guidance. C, at peace. And in his final breaths, with pen on paper, H. So I set my username in honor. To this day, it stays as ‘zach’. Fin.

by zach_da_bossss

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he annual Hogwarts Games are the entertainment zenith of the four districts, and this year’s Games were no exception. All the tributes, selected from their districts during the Reaping, were gathered in the Capitol to be seen and heard by a record-breaking home audience, eager to get to know these eight newly-minted celebrities. Before long they would be off to the Arena to compete in the most intense and exhilarating competition ever devised, with one prize for winning being their very life, but first there were the pre-game celebrations to enjoy! Interviews, reviews, endorsements and assessments, all one giant party to kick off these Hogwarts Games! May the snakes be ever in your favor! There is of course one aspect of the pre-game festivities which is most stunning of all. I refer to the tribute costumes! Meticulously designed to outdo the previous year’s showing, each tribute is always magnificently garbed in over-the-top outfits which represent their district, and represent the elegance and sophistication of the Games. You will never see a more beautifully dressed person outside of the pre-game Gala where each year’s tributes are put on display to the who’s who of the Capitol, it is truly a breathtaking night.

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The first two tributes to take the stage were the hometown heroes, the Capitol’s own tributes from Slytherin district. I’m told they were a wonder to behold, sparkling in green and silver, two perfect specimens at the top of their form and fashion. I couldn’t get any more info than that from the strangers in the crowd, I’m afraid; I was at the bar when the tribute unveiling began unexpectedly so I missed their interview. But I was present for the next display with gin and tonic in hand, and even got a few photographs. The next tributes to be examined were Zarya Zenith and Wally Winsome from the Gryffindor district. Bedecked in a wardrobe of casual comfort, they had the rugged appearance of two tributes with the Arena at the front of their minds, ready to fight and to win. In deep reds mixed with dark blacks, the outfits were also emblazoned respectively with a lioness and lion emblem made from fiery sparks and their district’s flaming G, giving the impression of barely-restrained ferocity. Zenya is a short, lithe creature who is incredibly striking; from the blue waterfall of hair cascading over her shoulders to the visible scars on her face and chest to the magical telescopic eyepiece she wears to assist in surveillance and combat, she draws the attention in any room she finds herself in.

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I’m told she comes from a long line of assassins and as a child owned a Ukranian Ironbelly as a pet. Not someone to trifle with. Her responses to the interview questions were terse and matterof-fact, with an undercurrent of impatience. You get the impression she wished to get to the main event as soon as possible. Her fellow Gryffindor, on the other hand, was ebullient and used each question as an opportunity to wax poetic. Tall, blonde and blueeyed, Wally is the ideal version of a tribute: athletic and muscular while also being very comfortable in the spotlight. I particularly enjoyed it when he lifted the interviewers’ chair above his head, with the interviewer still sitting in it! Forty minutes elapsed before the Gryffindors were ushered offstage and the next pair was brought on.

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Corvus Rook and Kendra Amare of Ravenclaw district appeared as pinnacles of refinement, classically dressed in the opulent evening wear of their region. Stylish, cultured and profound from top to bottom. Corvus, who comes from a very wealthy family, is clearly comfortable being at the Capitol amongst the high society. Indeed, the crown he wears looks like it has been there since birth. In a star-studded shirt and feathery cape, Corvus is a regal and elevated presence who commands respect and reverence. Which is a tough feat, to not get lost in the background when sharing the stage with his companion Kendra. They were resplendent in an inky ball gown with bronze trimmings and an eye-catching bronze quill front piece, and carried the traditional silver spear and laurel tiara of their region. They also had the poise and determined look of an unerring warrior. It was the high watermark ensemble of the evening. The two of them were audience favorites during the interview as well, with Corvus relaxed and earnest without sounding cocky and Kendra thoughtful yet slightly nervous, endearing people to them immediately. Still, we’ve seen many tributes who ace the pre-game gauntlet and then fall flat in the main event at the Games themselves, which is always such a disappointment. Only time will tell with these Ravenclaws, but I, for one, am rooting for them!

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The last interview was with Alex Dale and Henry Dallamore of Hufflepuff district, who put on quite a show! Wearing matching sets of ceremonial armor in green and gold, the pair dazzled us all like twin suns shining through leafy branches. The Hufflepuffs outdid themselves this year! Of course, the badgers etched into their chest pieces are the symbol of their region, honest and hardworking. Both gave a display that was uplifting and at the same time down-to-earth, owing to their outfits being beautiful and graceful while also clearly functional. Alex, our youngest tribute, had no air of childishness about them but gave the impression of a formidable opponent, as did tall and golden-eyed Henry. This pair looked poised to be the fan favorites, but just lost a little momentum in the interview process. Alex was eager and forthright, but they seemed a little distracted with the long-form process and went on more than a few tangents. And Henry seemed to do the least with his fifteen minutes of fame, starting out confident and giving precise answers, but near the end continually trailing off and then actually yawning on stage for the last few questions. As we all know, not everyone thrives in the limelight. But they were really something to look at!

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Still, the Gala is just one part of the run-up to the Hogwarts Games and each of the tributes made it through and did so, regardless of how spectacularly or less-than-perfectly, successfully enough to garner interest from supporters and sponsors alike, making the playing field fairly even this year! I just cannot wait to see how well they do in the Arena, and how good they’ll look while doing it!

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VALID P OINTS "Pointy hats. I don't know why. They just seem inherently better." -GamingBeagle "Pointy hats. They fit the aesthetic and can be used for stabbing if (let's be honest, when) needed." -HermioneReynaChase “Is this really a discussion? There is one kind of hat for practising magic, and it’s the one with a point on top!” -M_S_Redditor "Definitely pointy hats, I get to scare muggles into thinking I’m a witch, it's so fun!" -mlap "Pointy hats, I can do some...things with them." -Panda "Pointy hats all the way. You see, there was this really nice pointy hat I saw yesterday, with nice soft silk underlining that makes you want to float! It was at the wonderful shop of Madame Malkins, and I luckily nabbed one for the cheap price of only 2 galleons and 13 sickles! Well worth every coin! Offer valid only till stocks la..." -TheOriginalSoni2 “Pointy hats, because you never know when you might need to participate in a jousting tournament.” -iSquash

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OTHERS

NDED

ROU ELL-

“Round hats! They're so versatile; you've got your baseball caps, tuques, and sun hats for style/comfort, and you can mix it up with the occasional pith helmet, deerstalker, sombrero, or mushroom hat if you're feeling adventurous.” -findthesky

FALL F LAT

“I prefer top hats such as those popularized among Muggles. As a side note, I wonder if the Ministry ever found out who violated the Statute of Secrecy to introduce those hats to Muggle magicians which led to the very confused group of children who created Frosty the Snowman?” -HedwigMalfoy "Flat hats, bien sûr. The witches from Beauxbatons are the most fashionable in the world and the beret is sure to be in style Summer 2022." -Tessa“Come now, who doesn’t love a snappy straw boater?” -aperson7

"Well, the only hat I wear nowadays is my trusty ushanka. I've had it for 10 years and it keeps my head warm in even the harshest New England winter. So I gotta go with rounded hats." -kevslinger

“To each their own but this wizard is British through and through, and a hat that’s good enough for John Bull is good enough for me!” -morattribdquot

“Beanies. Are beanies hats? I think beanies are hats.” -Eldis_

“Floppy hats, because they remind me of times gone by.” -Johnnyboi#9913

“The pointed hat thing is so old fashioned. Give me a good old bowler any day!” -MaxRealman “I don’t care for ostentatious headgear, so I tend towards simple coverings that form to the shape of the skull. Round.” -Name.O.User

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Discoveries of Corbin Hediadar:

Cecaelia Conundrum - Rhia1

MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES QUIBBLER

orbin Hediadar, Order of Merlin 3rd Class, and his companion, Ash the Wood Nymph, have made several discoveries over the course of his career. One that threw the classification of the Grindylow into question at one point. While on vacation on a Muggle Cruise, a woman caught Corbin’s eye for a very strange reason. “I noticed that most of the women in the pool on deck were mothers,” he stated. “So this lone woman in the pool seemed out of place to me. Still, it was not enough for me to say she was strange. For all I knew, she just wanted to cool off or try to catch a rich male Muggle. But I kept a lookout for anything suspicious.” And it was a good thing he did as later that night, when there was less of a crowd around the pool, he took Ash out for fresh air. The woman was still around the pool. No one else was around this particular pool, yet she kept to the water. Corbin hid in the shadows and caught a glimpse of something never before seen by Wizard kind. “She pulled out a twisted piece of driftwood from a beach bag,” Corbin described. “With a slight wave of her hand, there was a glow. I thought that perhaps she had used a spell to transform her image and a dark witch or wizard would be revealed, but I should have known that it was not so simple an answer.” What sat in the water of the pool was the same woman, but her legs had changed to tentacles. Corbin pulled out a notebook and began writing what he witnessed, even drawing an image of the woman before him. A Cecaelia, half-witch and half-octopus. The woman was not only capable of performing spells, but highly advanced spells at that.

Corbin put in a call to the Ministry to advise him on the next course of action. However, it showed how corrupt the head of his sub-department truly was. Upon blocking off the area, Dougal MacNally began to not only take charge and push Corbin aside but taking credit for the discovery. “I knew that Dougal was upset that I was new to the department and yet had already managed to gain notoriety,” Corbin explained. “He had been working there for several years and only just became the head of our sub-department of Field Research. However, the arrival of Minister Granger made him go into overdrive on the false details. He even claimed the woman should be classified as a beast for lack of intelligence. Luckily, Minister Granger is no fool. She had done her own research and came to me. She knew I was the only member of the sub-department originally on the cruise. I described what I had seen, including the high level of intelligence in using self-transformation spells. MacNally tried to laugh it off and say that I had just gotten lucky with Wood Nymphs and my several other discoveries. The Minister listened intently. I knew that, by sinking to MacNally’s level and claiming he was lying through his teeth, would not have helped the situation. I simply let him dig his own grave. Minister Granger looked at the woman in the cage MacNally placed her in and said something I would never forget. She said, ‘One’s intelligence is not defined by what we see but by what one can do. From what I have observed in my short time, this woman seems more intelligent than many wizards I know. I doubt you saw anything, Sub-Head MacNally. However, Field Agent Hediadar had details and could quickly describe the woman’s intelligence. In trying to take the credit of a subordinate, you have shown why you have yet

to break out of your sub-department and why, effective immediately, you are no longer the Sub-Department Head.’ She turned to me and offered the position to me, but I declined.” Minister Granger went on record to announce another as the new Sub-Department Head as a fellow co-worker of Corbin’s. When asked why he did not accept the offer, Corbin said that he liked the job he had, that going out into the field to search and research creatures was something he loved doing and that staying behind a desk was a death sentence to him. The new species Corbin discovered was what he dubbed a Cecaelia, a name from Asian mythology and the name given to a Muggle movie villain. A more common name would be an Octopin. Cecaelia are classified as Beings due to their high intelligence and use of speech for the time being. Open conversations with Cecaelia on their status had been ongoing for several years. It was only last year that negotiations had finally ended. Cecaelia agreed to be labeled as Beings only if three new wizarding schools could be built in the Pacific, Atlantic, and Indian Oceans respectively. Several Ministries are collaborating to not only make the new schools but to figure out how to send teachers to the schools to fill in until Cecaelia and other such beings can teach the students. Ollivander also desired to learn how Cecaelia made their wands and found that Kelpie hair was used as the core of the driftwood wands. Cecaelia leaders have been open with their information on their society and magical methods. Only time will tell how this new Being and our relations with them will go, and if their status will change overtime.

Funds are being raised to support magizoologists this month to help protect our most vulnerable magical creatures, all exceptional marvels which might soon disappear and be gone for good. Consider donating today so that future generations might have the chance to see these wonders of the wizarding world!

SPECIES SPOTLIGHT

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In Western Asia lives a primate called the Five Thumbed Shnorksperry. It is silvery-grey and shaggy, as well as rail-thin, with muscular arms and legs that each end with a hand that has five thumbs and no ers. Hence the name. Though one of its thumbs is, in fact, not opposable. The Shnorksperry has an iron grip and an odd reflex to never let go of something once it has gotten ahold of it. This can be very inconvenient to the Shnorksperry,

going through a day surviving in the wild with its hands full, carrying objects or food or other animals. If it makes it to nightfall it will be able to let go when it falls asleep. This is also an extremely vain creature, typically spending around 500 Galleons a month on clothing, which is why it depends so much on the charity of financial donors. Current estimates put the Five Thumbed Shnorksperry population at 150 remaining.

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Malta’s Torstora Tortoise has a large, flat, dark green shell and a tan-colored body, and has developed a symbiotic relationship with the small creatures of its island. It will transport animals on its back across long distances in exchange for food, such as fruit or perhaps its favorite snack, cockroaches. It is able to carry incredibly heavy loads and always knows the quickest route to get where it wants, never getting lost. Unfortunately, human encroach-

ment has been detrimental to the Torsorta Tortoise. It is deathly afraid of shiny things, and light bouncing off cars or windows sends it into a panic. This turtle is also, sadly, highly delicious. Many witches and wizards have gotten into trouble with the Ministry of Magic for trying to import them to England, including the Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts, Rubeus Hagrid. Population estimates are 85.

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The Pangolin is the only magical creature currently known by Muggles. Its sweet yet shy demeanor allows it to appear mundane, for it hates to show off. Only a few magizoologists in possession of an Invisibility Cloak have seen the Pangolin practising its tumbling acrobatics. They are quite graceful and can put on incredible floor shows, typically in a

large patch of mud. They can also leap 20 feet into the air from a standstill. The Pangolin is very vulnerable though, because it has no teeth. Its diet consists of only mashed termites. The Pangolin population is dropping by 100,000 each year.

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The Rangulet Dragon of Guyana is a remarkable creature, it is the only amphibious dragon. Thirteen feet long at maturity, with pink scales and small black horns, it was previously thought to merely be a miniature sea serpent. However, this beast comes onto land to hunt as it is only able to breathe fire out of the water, and even then only with the assistance of the herb Wortizome. It finds and

consumes the plant and by an alchemical reaction can then cook its prey before feeding. The Rangulet Dragon also usually lives amongst a pod of whales as companions, and it is now understood that this dragon can communicate with whales via a mental link. Overfishing is the enemy of this dragon. The number of Rangulet Dragons in the wild is thought to be around 40.

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Action is required to save these species, because once they’re gone, they’re gone. Like the Crumple-nose Ourstis, a purple bear that lived in the frozen north. Due to its lack of camouflage and booming baritone singing voice, the Ourstis was a clear target for hunters and predatory creatures alike. The population dwindled to just fifteen when they were all rounded up to be put in a sanctuary for their protection. Unfortunately, the crowdfunding for that facility fell short of its goal by five Galleons, and so the project

had to be scrapped and the bears humanely destroyed. This is why donating is so important. Please consider giving to help these fantastic beasts. Come to the Liverpool Unnatural Studies Institute on April 17th at 7 PM for the First Annual Ourstis Memorial Fundraiser in support of magizoology, which includes an auction for some rare and beautiful purple fur coats. Any amount of money can and does make a difference.

Observations and factual contributions were made possible by the following magizoologists: AngelFMS, silvertail8, auntieabra, ElPapo131, 7ustine, sparks-_, mjenious, GamingBeagle, kemistreekat, XanCanStand, jinxedkittyz, HedwigMalfoy, meddleofmycause 79

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The Arithmancy

Coup of 2020 A

Written by one very sleep deprived TaliZiva.

s some of you may know, there was a coup staged at the Arithmancy Puzzling Headquarters (aka r/Arithmancy) that continued from the 27th to the 30th of December 2020. The predicament became known to us after an announcement was made regarding the release of a mysterious fifth puzzle in December, when four puzzles per month is the status quo. Moreso, some of the professors that usually run the puzzles were solving puzzles alongside the houses as one large team. It appeared that some of said professors were taken hostage and others locked out of the Arithmancy headquarters. Further investigation revealed that the coup was staged by Soni of Ravenclaw, saraberry of Slytherin, quirkychipmunk of Hufflepuff and myself, TaliZiva of Gryffindor. They forcefully spread the holiday spirit by coercing unwilling participants into solving the aforementioned unusually long, cruel unexpected puzzle. After the puzzle was solved, the kidnappers were, surprisingly, let off without any consequences. This was all very mysterious, so I made some enquiries to quench the thirst of my journalistic rage. After a rather unusual sequence of events, I managed to get some answers. I had the opportunity to speak with one of the kidnappers - myself. I was very excited to do an interview with myself about the more elusive side of the coup to give us some insight

into the minds of these kidnappers. It became clear rather quickly that I was dealing with a very unstable individual. The interview was set to take place in the kidnapper's residence. I'll admit I was rather hesitant to enter the premises, but I managed to scrape together enough Gryffindor Courage to knock. It was a terrifying experience; seeing my own mind from this new perspective. It was cluttered with half formed ideas, abandoned conversations and broken dreams littering the floor. The curtains were, of course, drawn, so I tripped over childhood trauma a few times in the darkness before finding a safe place to sit. Myself was rather distracted, so the interview took a rather long time, but the parts I'm legally allowed to share with myself’s own permission, go as follows. Me: So you were part of the team that staged a coup of the Arithmancy headquarters on the 27th of December 2020. Why did you do it? How did the plans begin? Myself: For me it all started when Soni of Ravenclaw slipped and fell into my DMs. It must've been a mighty fall because he remains there to this day. He talked for quite some time. Next thing I knew, I was added to a group chat where Sara and Quirky were waiting. It was too late to turn back at this point - I knew too much. The idea was explained with

crudely drawn diagrams that were at times difficult to understand, but once I had the gist of it I was fully on board. I consider the goals of the group to be a noble cause and felt honoured to be part of it. The plans all came together over a couple of weeks and once we were finished there was no stopping them. Me: Was it part of the plan to take hostages, or were they just in the wrong place at the wrong time? Myself: We knew from the get-go that we would need Professor Eyl’s expertise to make the puzzle run without a hitch. Professors Buckeye and Sameri were still in the headquarters when we infiltrated it so they were taken as collateral. They proved to be rather useful in the end. They provided great company and cat pics as we watched the puzzle run its course. Me: That’s ghastly. Why did you give out hints? Myself: Because we couldn’t wait around forever. Our stronghold on the headquarters (and channel permissions) only lasted a certain amount of time. We needed something to watch and, if the solvers were stuck, there was no entertainment. Me: What was it like watching them solve your puzzles? Myself: We were blown away by the tenacity, resourcefulness, wits and courage displayed. There were some absolutely hilarious and frustrating moments.To entertain ourselves, we made many memes about the events that unfolded and we unfortunately started warming up to these brilliant minds. It was very rewarding to see them solve our puzzles, even though we were supposed to hope that they remain unsolved. Me: What happened once the puzzle was solved?

NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER Myself: We got so drunk celebrating, that we allowed the professors to escape. For some despicable reason, we started rooting for our puzzles to be solved; can you believe it? Me: No. Myself: It was like reverse Stockholm Syndrome, because we started sympathising with those trying to defeat and overthrow us. This was a big mistake, constant vigilance should never be put aside. I can't legally reveal what occurred thereafter, due to a non-disclosure agreement.

my wellbeing, I decided to end the interview with Myself due to personal differences. It was one of the most disturbing and haunting experiences of my life and I hope I never have to go back. Now we know the unsettling truth behind the coup based on the accounts of one deranged organiser. I believe it is safe to say that the hostages are lucky to be alive. There you have it, the truth, straight from the source and into The Quibbler.

At this point, I was nearly killed by the train of thought because we had been sitting on the tracks without noticing. I barely escaped. There was no warning as the train travelled at a great speed with a whistle that made a very soft noise. The light at the front was broken, which meant that it easily snuck up and disrupted the interview. Terrified of what else might threaten

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NEW METHODS OF INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL By Milomi10

ver since witches and wizards saw the moon in the night sky, our curiosity pushed us to find new ways to reach there. Muggles did it the hard way, and went via rockets and spaceships, after years of working out the math behind it. Witches and wizards found a much easier method. We figured out how to Snap to the moon, and recently how to Leap to the moon. The Snap was discovered by a wizard called Fol Sageti. After seeing people attempt to fly to the moon on broomsticks, and fail horribly (though one made it to the moon with a missing limb and torn chest), Fol started experimenting to find a safer and more stable method. He learned that if you Apparated to a ‘Safe Spot’ next to your home, poured ice-cold water over yourself, and cast a special spell, you’d reach the moon. Of course, you would have to practice the spell very well and pronounce the incantations properly. Still, witches and wizards practiced Fol’s spell and many reached the moon. This is how we carried on for more than a century, until a new discovery changed everything. Limona Martin was intrigued by this spell and spent a lot of time researching Fol’s work and about other ways to get into space. She sought to make the whole process easier and more dignified. “We need to have a system where if any wizard or witch wants to travel to space, they need permission from the Ministry, or a higher authority. Allowing everyone to go will result in a drain of our magical abilities. The spell Fol invented was a bit clumsy, and Leaping is way neater as well as efficient,” she explains.

With her new spell, Limona has reorganized the process of travelling in space and issued guidelines for the Wizarding World to follow. Limona’s new spell takes you to the moon, and with her newly set-up base there, one can travel in other parts of space. She also talks of building a vehicle that can help with space transport. Her current spell simply creates a path, made of light, to the moon. All you have to do is jump twice, and raise your hands to the sky. This will get you to the moon, and once you reach there, you can do anything you like! However, Limona gives a few warnings: “If you want to carry luggage, make sure you’re holding it for the entirety of your journey. If you don’t, it will just … fly away. And you don’t want that, do you?” “You also want to make sure you cast the spell in a ‘Safe Spot’ which is what Fol suggested should be done. If you cast the spell anywhere, without taking the location into account, you’ll be met with a lot of magical interference which will restrict you from travelling.” “Lastly, don’t forget that you have to spend at least five days in space before returning. Returning too soon will result in the magical boundaries rejecting you, and you literally breaking into pieces!” As you read this, witches and wizards are embarking on a new journey to space. There’s a lot to discover, and with magic we can do much more. Somebody told us they’d seen Nargles on a planet, and someone else said they could feel traces of magic on another star. We will keep you updated on the same, and let you know if we find something new! For more information, you can owl the Department of Astronomy, Space, and Research which was recently formed. If you ever decide to travel to space, do heed Limona’s warnings, and send us an account of your journey! Don’t forget to wave to us from up there!

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By kevslinger As 2020 came to a close, Slytherin locked up the yearlong house cup, becoming the first house to three-peat and establishing themselves as the house to beat for yet another year. Inspired by their dominance, I wanted to take an indepth look at this unprecedented run to house cup glory. Slytherin’s winning streak officially started in June 2018, but let's back it up and begin with a bit of history. The first full calendar year to award the house cup was 2014. Slytherin won four months, Gryffindor and Ravenclaw each won three months, and Hufflepuff won two months. That distribution is the most diverse we’ve ever seen; since then, one house has always won at least six months. And while Slytherin is the winningest house in cup history, they are not without their droughts. In fact, every house has failed to win a month in at least one calendar year; Gryffindor in 2015, 2019, and 2020, Hufflepuff in 2015 and 2018, Ravenclaw in 2019, and Slytherin in 2016. While each house has had their highs and lows, Slytherin is certainly at an all-time high, and that doesn’t appear to be changing anytime soon. With that in mind, let’s take a look at their 31 months of near perfection. Slytherin’s two and a half year winning stretch basically came out of nowhere; they snapped their 10 month long house cup drought and converted it into an 11 month winning streak. Starting in June 2018, it wasn’t until Hufflepuff won May 2019 that their streak ended. At that point, they had already secured the 2018 cup and were well on their way towards winning it again in 2019. After conceding May, Slytherin finished the year by winning the remaining seven months and securing back to back yearlong house cups.

Now, winning two years in a row isn’t a new thing. Slytherin did it in 2014 and 2015, Ravenclaw did it in 2016 and 2017, and then Slytherin did it again in 2018 and 2019. But until 2020, no house had won three times in a row, and no house had been as dominant for such a long period of time. Indeed, throughout the last 31 months, Slytherin won 27 times, giving themselves a win rate of 87%. Before this, no house had won more than 4 months in a row; but now, Slytherin has the record for the three longest winning streaks: 11, 7, and 6 months, respectively. That’s not the only record they broke. In 2019, Slytherin broke the record for the most house points in a year (previously held by Ravenclaw with 17,401 in 2016) with a total of 20,580 points. They then crushed their own record by nearly 5,000 points, earning 25,137 in 2020. Finally, in July 2019, Slytherin passed Ravenclaw for the most cumulative house points earned, and has never looked back. See the associated graph for total house points earned since April 2015. Will Slytherin be able to maintain their level of house point excellence in 2021? Will any other house be able to rise to the challenge and dethrone the snakes? Only time will tell, but one thing is for certain: Slytherin’s banner will be hanging in the Great Hall for a long, long time.

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A Critique of Quidditch By u/kevslinger

uidditch in the Wizarding World is larger than life, similar to American football in the USA and football (soccer) everywhere else. It even culminates with a World Cup held every four years to showcase the best Quidditch players around the world. While it’s certainly an exciting sport with lots of strategy, multiple aspects for viewers to focus on, and never-ending, dangerous action, the scoring system holds it back from being a beautiful game. The Snitch is too important, and effectively turns a seven on seven team sport into a one on one individual competition.

For anyone needing a refresher on Quidditch’s scoring system, it works as follows: every goal in Quidditch is worth 10 points, and the game proceeds until the golden Snitch is caught, awarding that team 150 points. Now, it’s possible to win a game without capturing the Snitch, as was done in the 1994 World Cup Finals between Ireland and Bulgaria, but this is very uncommon. That game ended with a score of 170-160; had Krum caught the Snitch a few moments earlier, Ireland would not have been able to amass the 160 point lead needed to defeat the Snitch capture. In fact, if the Seeker can catch the Snitch fast enough each game, the 12 non-Seekers on the Quidditch pitch become irrelevant. Herein lies the main problem with Quidditch. The issue here is that the relative importance of the Seeker is so much higher than the other six players on the team. In this way, it shares similarities with baseball or American football, where the pitcher and quarterback, respectively, are both significantly more important than the rest of their team. Compare that to basketball or soccer (football), where all members of the team contribute nearly equally to their success. And to be fair to baseball and American football, both muggle sports require a significant amount of teamwork in order to deliver a victory. Quidditch, on the other hand, is nearly a single player game, with six other members sometimes mattering (as in the aforementioned World Cup). Basically, as long as the Seeker is skilled enough to catch the Snitch before their team establishes a 150 point deficit, they are the only relevant player on the team.

To illustrate my point, I created a webpage (see QR code) to simulate seasons in the British and Irish Quidditch League. Here’s how it works: on each new simulation, every team randomly assigns 20 skill points between the four positions (Chaser, Beater, Keeper, Seeker). Each position can have a maximum of 10 and a minimum of 0 points; an average team would assign 5 points to each position. After each team has their composition, the games can begin. Each match is structured as a probabilistic turn-based game, where both teams get a chance to score a goal and both Seekers get a chance to catch the Snitch on every turn. To score a goal, a team’s Chasers first need to beat the opposing team’s Beaters to win the Quaffle, and then sneak the Quaffle past the Keeper for the 10 points. To determine the outcomes of these events, we use the following probabilities, where Chaser is the team’s Chaser skill points, opp Beater is the opponent’s Beater skill points, Keeper is the opponent’s Keeper skill points, and Seeker is the team’s Seeker’s skill points:

The seemingly arbitrary one is added to the Seeker’s total to ensure the two teams will always be able to end the game. Using these formulas, we want to know how many goals will be scored in an average game. To compute this, we can take the average team (5 skill points to each position) and plug those into our equations to give us the expected number of goals before one of the Seekers captures the Snitch. Plugging 5s into our equations gives us:

That means the average team can expect to score 450 points every 100 turns, and we expect them to 87

QUIBBLER SPORTS catch the Snitch after about 84 turns. Considering that the opponent’s Seeker will basically double the probability of the game ending, we expect a game to last somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 turns. With a goal chance of 45%, we expect the average team to score about 19 goals before the Snitch is caught, giving themselves enough points to outweigh the value of the Snitch should they be able to defend their own goal. But this is all probabilistic; a game could end on the first turn, or it could never end! By using this analysis, we can return to the main point, which is to show the relative importance of the different positions. After running half a million season simulations, the team with the best Seeker won the entire league (had the best Win-Loss record after finishing a double round-robin schedule) 30% of the time, compared to the team with the best Chasers winning 12% of the time, best Beaters also 12% of the time, and best Keeper 2% of the time. Having the best Seeker on your team will win you the league 2.5 times as often as hav-

ing the best set of Chasers or Beaters, a massive imbalance like we expected. A sport like Quidditch, where one particular player matters a whole lot more than the others, makes a lot of sense to include in Harry’s story. It adds to him being the main focus and hero we know him to be. And with all the high-flying, fast-paced scenes Quidditch can provide, who wouldn’t want to watch? But as it stands, the scoring system needs a rework before it can be treated in the same class as the elite and well-founded competitive sports.

SCAN QR CODE FOR QUIDDITCH SEASON SIMULATOR

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QUIBBLER HOROSCOPES

HOGWARTS HORror-SCOPES Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!

WHEEL OF MORALITY, TURN TURN TURN! TELL US THE LESSON THAT WE SHOULD LEARN!

CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL

TAURUS THE WEREWOLF

VIRGO THE UNICORN

(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)

(APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)

(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Brush your teeth after every meal. This moral was brought to you by the American Dental Association.

Never ask what hot dogs are made of.

AQUARIUS THE KELPIE (JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH) Don't be a fool, stay in school.

PISCES THE MERMAN

GEMINI THE VEELA (MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH) The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind, except in New Jersey where what's blowing in the wind smells funny.

(FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH) People who live in glass houses should get dressed with the lights out.

CANCER THE FIRECRAB (JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND)

ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF

If you can't say something nice, you're probably at the Ice Capades.

(MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH) Don't spit in public.

LEO THE SPHINX

LIBRA THE DRAGON (SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND) Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, but socially dead.

SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE (OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST) You can teach an old dog new tricks, but you can't teach Madonna to act.

SAGITTARIUS THE CENTAUR (NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST) Vote early and vote often.

(JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND) If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents.

This issue’s horoscopes are borrowed from brought to you by Animaniacs and the Wheel of Morality. Animaniacs and Wheel of Morality are © Warner Bros. Studios For more information: animaniacs.fandom.com/wiki/Wheel_of_Morality

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Classifieds Reach your Prospects First

MISSED CONNECTIONS We locked eyes in Madam Puddifoot's tea shop. We were waiting 6 feet apart to pick up our tea to-go. I could not see all of your face due to your color changing face mask, but what I could see left me wanting more. If you felt the same connection please meet me by the Shrieking Shack on Friday at noon. I'll be waiting for you. You: buying dragon liver at Mr Mulpepper's Me: knocking over the kilderkin of Knarl quills Our encounter left me dizzy and light-headed and slightly punctured. I'll be at Florean Fortescue's tomorrow at 2PM. Will you?

BUSINESS/OFFERS Joke Product Testers Wanted! Easy gold for daring jesters Strong constitutions a must. Apply at Number 93 Diagon Alley, London CURSEBREAKERS WANTED GRINGOTTS BANK THE GOLD STANDARD Every person's house is their castle Why not make it official?

COMMUNITY EVENTS .-. -..-. .- .-. .. - .... -- .- -. -.-. -.-- / .. ... / .-.. --- --- -.- .. -. --. / ..-. --- .-. / -.-. .-.. . ...- . .-. / .-- .. -.-. .... . ... / .- -. -.. / .-- .. --.. .- .-. -.. ... / - --- / .--- --- .. -. / ..- ... / ..-. --- .-. / .--. ..- --.. --.. .-.. . / ... --- .-.. ...- .. -. --. .-.-.- / / .. - .----. ... / ..-. ..- -. -.-.-The First Annual Ourstis Memorial Fundraiser Liverpool Unnatural Studies Institute April 17th at 7PM A Fun Night for a Great Cause! Wizard Chess Tournament Entry Available to All Skill Levels! May 3rd Beginning at 11AM Signups End April 21st Gambol and Japes, Number 23 Diagon Alley, London

Portcullis over the main entrance Narrow arrow slit windows Metal grilles over the larger windows Mullioned and transomed window frames Massively thick walls Internal walkways, stairs and flues Moats and towers Seek Blythe Ackley from Harewood Castle, Leeds Looking to Rub Elbows With Real Muggles? Practice Your Muggle Disguise and Conversation? Come Join Grunnings A Wizard/Muggle Relations Social Service Where We Pretend to Make Drills or Something Issac's Wand Tuning and Repair In Business for 75 Years Stokes & Stokes Flue Cleaning and Service Treat yourself to the finest fireplace For cooking, brewing and transportation Luella Baxley's Baked Bounty Little Bricklin Street, Wolverhampton

Licensed Crenellater offering to update your home into a stunning fortification We strike a balance between security and comfort: a mixture of convenience and magnificence

HELP WANTED Tutor Wanted: Looking for recent graduate to tutor student in subjects including Transfiguration, Ancient Runes, Arithmancy and Potions. Ideal candidates will have received NEWT level O’s on all topics. My precious child will be Head Student, if I have anything to say about it. Please send your resume by owl to Asteria Black. Impressive candidates will be contacted accordingly. Seeking info on primate creatures seen in London.A 5Thumbed Shnorksperry stole my last StockCert and won’t let go!Last seen fleeing Leaky Cauldron thru upstairs window into Muggle London.Dept of Magical Creatures now refusing my Owls!I’m ruined without that Stock.Floo LeakyCauldron ask for Melvin Looking for a potioneer to help with the spring brewing Call on The Croft in Thwaites Brow, ask for Ransford Kipp FOR SALE FOR SALE: One set of Collector’s Edition Golden Gobstones. Starting offers at 25 Galleons. Contact Phineas Sparebone for details. Limited edition WizCARD set, signed by George Weasley 13 Galleons, reasonable trades considered Pierson Kai, Martello Tower, Dymchurch, Kent Used Comet 330 One Owner Good Condition Twigs Recently Replaced 75 Galleons OBO Wylie Dempster-- Portinaghy Lodge, Knockafubble

LOST & FOUND Lost: Collector’s Edition Golden Gobstone set. Last seen in Diagon Alley for Regional Tournament. Please contact Rosemary Atwood if found. Did anyone find a lunascope on the Knight Bus in March? Please return to Alfie Hobson in Cwmystwyth PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT PRANKS ARE NO LAUGHING MATTER ONLY USE MAGIC FOR GOOD -ST. MUNGO'S HOSPITAL FOR MAGICAL MALADIES AND INJURIES REAL ESTATE Coquet Island available for purchase Six hectarces Includes Jobberknoll Preservation 62K Galleons OBRO References a must Owls to Blessy Harchiffe Swiss Chalet up on the Alps Beautiful spot, nothing finer! Yours for a steal— 12.000 Galleons Money upfront, no trades Serious offers to M. Fletcher, Esq.

Contributors: AngelFMS, auntieabra, RavenclawRoxy, XanCanStand 91

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LAW ENFORCEMENT REPORTS BREAKING NEWS: MLE is pleased to announce live reports of some of these logs on Wizard radio station, "Twitch.tv/powergamersdandd" every other Friday at 6:30PM PST MAGICAL LAW ENFORCEMENT PATROL: ◊ March 6 7:06 PM - Domestic dispute resulted in uncontrollable growth of bones on spouse’s skin. Taken to St. Mungos. Pet dogs are very happy with new bones. ◊ March 16 3:12 AM - MLE Squad investigating firework display over California cities. Obliviation Squad working with local officers to do mass obliviation. No known suspects at this time. Investigation pending. ◊ April 7 4:00 PM - High-speed broom chase down streets of Diagon Alley. Suspect under questioning for possession of illegally-modded broom and driving under the influence. DEPARTMENT OF INTOXICATING SUBSTANCES ◊ March 17 4:34 PM - Disorderly conduct in Smiling Winky’s Tavern by several patrons. Winky’s shut down for failure to comply with previous infractions. ◊ April 8 5:29 PM - Unlicensed brewer of Amortentia apprehended. Unlucky witches and wizards

were falling in love with the brewer's pet goat. In St. Mungos until effects go away.

with the muggle world. Upon closer examination, sunglasses had an anti muggle charm embedded in them.

◊ April 30 3:09 AM - Knockturn Alley potion “Dreams” caused several wizards to fall into coma. Under investigation. IMPROPER USE OF MAGIC OFFICE

◊ March 6 3:22 PM - Community of Arachnids in Forbidden forest were severely hurt. Investigation pending.

◊ February 15 5:55 PM - Cult attempted to bring back the ice age. Muggle communities afflicted. ◊ Local authorities are asking wizarding families to help care for their muggle neighbors while they get back on to their “electricity” power grids. ◊ March 31 7:45 PM - Desperate for muggle Magic, enterprising wizard created “Disney-fan land” in an extendable tent. While muggles were unsuspicious of the event, wizard is in Auror custody for near exposure of magic. ◊ April 4 6:44 PM - Sales of plain black sunglasses soared in the wizarding world as they were found to be quite useful in blending in

◊ March 26 4:09 PM - New Unicorn foals welcomed into the Simply Sanctuary. All foals are healthy and mother is very happy. DEPARTMENT FOR THE REGULATION AND CONTROL OF MAGICAL CREATURES ◊ April 1 3:59 AM - Giant Hungarian Horntail Dragon appeared by Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes around the area and breathed fire on unsuspecting bystanders. Wizard Wheezes yearly prank. No creatures were hurt. DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES ◊ lkdjflsfjsfjlsdfjlsjflsjflsjfl;sjflsa;fj;saldjfls;jf;saldjflsjflsjfls;jfl;sjfl;sjflskjflksjf ◊ Sometimes these things actually say real things. ◊ But most of the time it's gibberish.

EPARTME * D NT

EMENT * RC FO N

The Minister of Magic and The Head of Magical Law Enforcement would like to thank the Auror Headquarters, Wizengamot Administration Services, Hit Wizards, Investigation Department, Ministry of Magic Witch Watchers, Office for the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Defensive Spells and Protective Objects, and all others that GICAL LAW MA E F keep our world safe. O

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