The Quibbler Spring 2020 by Hogwarts Quibbler

WWN's New Pop Sensation

Duchess Yada Yada

breaks down her CRAZY workout routine!

Gilderoy Lockhart:

Where is he now? And is he single!?

Unwilling to Make the Unbreakable Vow and 8 Other Signs He's Cheating on You!

The Best Ways to Banish Acne (and how you've been doing it wrong)

Sexy Tips to Ensnare the Wizard in Your Life Featuring a surprising use for bubotuber pus that will drive him wild!

WITCH WEEKLY: NO. 1 APRIL 2020 THIS ISSUE OF WITCH WEEKLY MAGAZINE WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY OUR TALENTED STAFF OF WITCHES. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TITILLATING TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WITCHING WORLDâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S FEMININE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1984. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR LARGE CORPORATE GOSSIP MAGAZINE

Welcome to OUR BRAND NEW issue of

Witch Weekly Below is

an overview of everything you can find in this brand new edition! We hope you find the experience both titillating and tantalizing!

09 13 45 67 92

Interview with Pop Sensation Duchess Yada Yada Just reading about her workout will exhaust you!

5 Sexy Tips to Ensnare the Wizard in Your Life

We bet you never knew bubotuber pus was so versatile.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Where is He Now?

How you can hunt down this handsome hunk.

Unwilling to Make the Unbreakable Vow? Why he isn't just afraid of commitment.

The Shocking Truth About Store-Bought Potions And, yes, you're a monster for funding it.

Cosmetics and Coiffure..... 2 Deals and Steals................ 4 Entertainment...................09 Fashion.............................. 20 Gossip..................................45

Ask Mistress Sunbeam. ....67 flawless features. ............92 Weekly Zodiac..................110 Ask Mistress Sunbeam. ...112 Credits...............................114

STAFF:

Editor-In-Chief: SunbeamPixie Managing Editors: Ill_Never_Be_Free, P-etunia, AMedaTonks, Youngis_ Administration: Len1n, Loomps31, JohnWiksry Staff: CrazyDachshund, Club-Badger, Anne_Otterwoman, PermafrownEagle, VirtuousBlessing, whxtewater, P-etunia, Matthew_Drabglee, CervisiaCupio, Sunlift3, ladypugspud, missvanchamay, goldtail4, hinderanceofmyreason Contributors: Anne_Otterwoman, Marinecadetsquid66, superior_texas_man, ArdentBibliophile91, Whxtewater, Caitafingers, Youngis_, IReasonablyLikeTheLibrary, Ill_never_be_free, k9millipede, CrazyDachshund, P-etunia, ApeVaper, Ladypugspud, Hinderanceofmyreason, TwilightWyvern, Finally3nd1g, Permafrowneagle, ProsaicUtopia, Rhia2, Prussianvlogger66, ChRysler, Goldtail4, VirtuousBlessing, Remuslywinchester, SunbeamPixie, StatusDuke, The_Draftsperson_RN, FliptheTrip87654321, Theres_Lee, JohnWiksry

APRIL FOOLS!

Editor-In-Chief & Divination Dept Head Starflashfairy Gryffindor Managing Editor NDoraTonks Hufflepuff Managing Editor L-ily Ravenclaw Managing Editor Eldis_ Slytherin Managing Editor Im_Finally_Free Production Manager KackelDackel Production Assistants Team-Hufflepuff Anne_Seelman Permagrinfalcon Web-Wizard Oomps62 Archives wiksry Payroll Marx0r Art Dept Head SinsationalDoom Castles & Burrows Dept Head blxckfire

k s e D ’s r o t i d E e h T 20 Editor’s Desk Spring 20 Starflash am ad From the Desk of M Greetings, dear readers!

WOW! I cannot believe ition of The Quibbler! ed h nt tee fif e th to me Welco how far we’ve come. s prank about me reant to be an April Fool’ me lly na igi or s wa ge pa that I don’t mess This feel that it’s important I es tim ing try e es th in as I possibly tiring, but stick around for as long to n pla I at. th e lik d aroun can. other sential leaning on each I want to stress how es close to you can’t physically be mentally is, even when . Call cing” is a stupid name each other. “Social distan ur yo th wi and keep in touch it “physical distancing” ha ur nds. C regulations. Wash yo friends. Follow the CD your d. In this time of need, Be safe, be smart, be kin here for you. Quibbler family will be pe you the doctor ordered. I ho at wh tly ac ex is ler ibb This edition of the Qu it! as we enjoyed creating enjoy reading it as much May Fortune smile upon

you!

Classifieds L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies Dept Head Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts Dept Head VinumCupio Divination Starflashfairy Education Dept Head Starboost3 Entertainment Dept Head silvertail8 Fashion Dept Head meddleofmycause Magical Plants & Creatures Dept Head bubbasaurus News & Features Dept Head Enovara Sports Dept Head LordPugtato Travel Dept Head mrsvanchamarch

dakeirhtnanbe

eufnaheyahdneiehen

ytodpdjebaotjeo The Editors Deskq

Madam Starflash

THE QUIBBLER: NO. 34859 APRIL 2020 THIS ISSUE OF THE QUIBBLER WAS CREATED, WRITTEN, PRODUCED AND REVIEWED BY THE HOGWARTS STAFF AT /R/THEQUIBBLER. THIS ISSUE FEATURES ARTICLES THAT EXPOSE THE TRUTH. SELLING OVER 1,500,000 COPIES WITH OVER 29,000 DIFFERENT ISSUES, WE ARE THE WIZARDING WORLDâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ALTERNATIVE VOICE AND REASON SINCE 1989. WE THANK YOU FOR READING AND PURCHASING OUR SMALL INDEPENDENT NEWS MAGAZINE

Welcome to OUR BRAND NEW issue of the Quibbler. Below is an overview of everything you can find in this All new edition of the Quibbler! We hope you find the experience Both enlightening and entertaining! THE BIGGEST STORIES FROM THE

FRONTPAGE:

24 28 38

Float On: A LevioSPA Review

An experience that will leave you feeling weightless.

Wizard Secrets in Danger

What you need to know to protect yourself.

Untitled Goose Article A tale of fowl play.

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BREAKING NEWS:

jfjsdjwfksfkljklwenjkfnzwdiewghiorndgknakflenifnsdnakhwroiuwehdnmd, Castles and Burrows. ........................................... 10

Sports. ................................................................. 108

crafts, brews,

& Hobbies......................................20

Travel.................................................................. 114

dark arts................................................................28

Independent Art. ............................................... 117

Divination.............................................................34

horoscopes. .........................................................

Education. ............................................................38

Classifieds........................................................... 122

Entertainment. ....................................................43

Credits. ............................................................... 123

121

Magical Plants and Creatures............................78 news and features...............................................

STAFF:

113

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Editor-In-Chief: Starflashfairy Managing Editors: Im_Finally_Free, L-ily, NDoraTonks, Eldis_ Administration: Marx0r, Oomps62, Wiksry Layout and Design: KackelDackel, Team-Hufflepuff, Anne_ Seelman, Permagrinfalcon Art: Sinsational Doom Castles & Burrows: blxckfire Classifieds: L-ily Crafts, Brews, & Hobbies: Mathias_Greyjoy Dark Arts: VinumCupio Divination: Starflashfairy Education: Starboost3 Entertainment: silvertail8 Fashion: meddleofmycause Magical Plants & Creatures: bubbasaurus News & Features: Enovara Sports: lordpugtato Travel: mrsvanchamarch Contributors: Anne_seelmann,

Armyprivateoctopus99, Average_texas_guy, AvidReader182, Blxckfire, Caitatoes, Eldis_, ILoveTheLibrary, Im_Finally_Free, K9centipede, KackelDackel, L-ily, Lemursteamer, Lodpugtato, Meddleofmycause, Midnightdragon, Never3nd1g, Permagrinfalcon, Poeticwasteland, Rhia1, Russianvlogger33, Rysler, Silvertail8, SinsationalDoom, Siriuslywinchester, Starflashfairy, StatusCount, The_Architect_Nurse, TriptheFlip12345678, Wheres_Lee, Wiksry

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Magical Home Renovations This Spring’s Latest Trend! by Enovara All witches, wizards, and even muggles are familiar with the concept of spring cleaning. You get rid of your daughter’s ill-fitting robes from last year, banish the dust bunnies under the couch (that seem to have grown especially ferocious this year!), and maybe try again at keeping the gnomes out of the garden. However, many witches and wizards have taken spring cleaning to a whole new level, with magical home renovations! You see, these renovations are much more extensive than the simple re-tiling of the bathroom floor, or putting new cabinets in the kitchen. Have you always wanted a linen closet in the bathroom, or do you wish your children’s’ bedrooms weren’t spread across three separate floors? Now it’s possible! There are two approaches to such renovations. These are: Hire a contractor to do the work. While this is the most expensive option, it is also the most reliable. A contractor will obtain all necessary permits, review current blueprints, create a new one, and if all parties agree to the work, spend a day renovating! Many will even, for an additional fee, move items out of affected rooms, and return them to their new locations. Do all the work yourself. Many of the spells necessary are ones you’ll already be familiar with, such as *Engorgio* and *Defodio*. However, you will also need to appeal to your local Ministry officials for the proper permits, which can be 10

a time-consuming process for the average witch or wizard. The results are also not guaranteed-- if you try to move a bedroom without also moving the bathroom above it, do not be surprised if the results aren’t what you intended! This approach requires extensive time and research and is best done while the children are away at school. If you choose option 2, here are some tips to help you organize the inevitable chaos. Permits are a *must*. While nobody likes paying to do their own work on their own house, permits ensure that your neighbor doesn’t run their bathroom plumbing through your garden, or begin to dig out their new basement with *Bombarda*. To make the process easier, you can make a visit to your local Ministry

office (the exact name varies by location, but it is often called the Department of Abodes and Dwellings, or DAD). They will be much likely to work with you faster if you make an appearance, rather than sending in applications by owl. Personal belongings often become collateral damage when attempting such large renovations on your own. If you do not want it damaged, it is an excellent idea to put it somewhere safe- whether at a friend’s house, in a room not adjacent to any renovations, or in an enchanted container for just this purpose. It is also worthwhile to consider factors such as plumbing. If you plan to do work that involves your kitchen or bathroom, it would be worthwhile to ensure that the water is not running in case of any incidents. Items such as bathtubs, windows, and mirrors should also be considered when performing such renovations. These items are often affixed to the wall or floor and may end up broken without proper precautions. However, this is also an excellent time to replace those items outright! Whether you tackle this project on your own or with the help of a professional, you can guarantee that this trend will surely leave you with the home you’ve always dreamed of!

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3. Fill a cabinet full of chocolate frogs and ask your house guest or friend to get a glass for you. Watch in amusement as chocolate frogs bombard your friend, Springtime brings the just make sure to eat them before they melting of snow, blooming flowers, and escape! unfortunately to my sinuses, pollen. But 4. Replace your house guests’ wands what many witches and wizards forget is with sticks when they sit down in your that springtime is the perfect opportunity home. They will think they have lost to prank your house guests! their minds when their wand doesn’t respond to them. Your home is the perfect place to bust out 5. Hex the doorway by creating an your April Fools and pranking spirit! With invisible barrier. Your house guests will your home being your domain, there are try to walk through the doorway, but plenty of opportunities and spaces to have will be stuck by the barrier you created. fun with your house guests and friends. Watch their confusion as they try to enter another room. It is my recommendation to you is that you 6. Replace your candy with a pile of Bertie only do harmless pranks, and to keep your Bott’s Every Flavor Beans. Eating unique house guests’ safety in mind. Becoming a and unexpected flavors is always a ghost is not something I think your friends puzzle and joy to laugh about. and guests want to experience! 7. Invest in new products from Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes. Your Here are some of the harmless, albeit fun, home could be littered with various pranks to pull on your house guests! products guaranteed to cause some harmless fun. 1. Put up a “FOR SALE” sign in front of your house. Your friends will think Hope you have fun decorating and you are moving away. Commit to the celebrating April Fools in your act by saying you are looking for a lovely homes! new change. Don’t forget to remind them that you are not moving, it was just April Fools! 2. Charm all of the alarm clocks to go off at 3AM. Your house guests may not enjoy this prank, interrupting their sleep, but you are sure to get a good laugh about it later. 11

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HIJINX HOUSE Are you looking for a venue that will drive your guests away? Perhaps Halloween is just around the corner (it's not; we checked) or your favorite child (you have one, just admit it) is getting married to a literal dung heap! Whatever your needs are, the Hijinx House can, and will, fulfill them! We currently offer two packages with rental: The Halloween Haunted Horror Package and The Call It Off Package. Each section of the house is designed differently depending on which package you purchase! Let's take a quick tour to get your acquainted with the place.

THE LAWN

We'll start out here on the front "lawn". It's really just a labyrinth of potted Devil's Snare but from very, very far away, it's indistinguishable from your average suburban lawn.

THE CALL IT OFF PACKAGE THE HALLOWEEN HAUNTED HORROR PACKAGE This package comes with a complimentary sign that says "Devil's Snare: BEWARE". The sign serves the purpose of safety while providing guests with a nice, tingly feeling in their stomach as they admire their potential demise.

This package comes with a complimentary sign that says "Marriage Here: Definitely Not A Trap". We like to think of the combination of the plant and sign as not just functional but also artistic! Our resident artist commented that, in many ways, marriage can be like Devil's Snare; it is soft and loving at first but can turn viciously violent, ensnaring those caught in its unwary grasp, ultimately killing all involved. Then again, it's just a sign... 13

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THE FRONT DOOR Next, if your guests survive The Lawn, they will find themselves at the front door. Or rather, what they think is the front door. The doorknob they will tug on is actually firmly attached to a nice, thick, brick wall.

THE HALLOWEEN HAUNTED HORROR PACKAGE This package comes with a trigger system for your fake doorknob and doorknocker set. As soon as your guests give it a good tug or knock on either item, the trapdoor beneath the doormat will open into the Dungeon portion of the house. Your guests will be able to either fall or jump into the trapdoor opening and slide or glide to a soft landing.

THE CALL IT OFF PACKAGE This package does not come with a trigger system, but instead comes with an open window alongside the front door. In the event that your guests figure out that they have been knocking on a very convincing brick wall for the better part of an hour, they will no doubt attempt to enter the house through the window. If they decide to continue their dubious journey, your guests will find that the window leads directly to the laundry room!

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THE FIRST ROOM THE HALLOWEEN HAUNTED HORROR PACKAGE: THE DUNGEON The Dungeon is appropriately scary but equally safe! The room is lined with jars of preserved plants and animals but the pathway to the next room is clear as there is a set of gently-lit stairs leading to the ground floor. Chains attached to the walls rattle ominously and blood drips gently from the only table in the room. If they avoid the blood and chains, they will come to realize that the door to the ground floor is locked. They can either use Alohamora or the key hanging from the bloody table. From here, they will enter the Dining Room.

THE CALL IT OFF PACKAGE: THE LAUNDRY ROOM The Laundry Room is very drab and difficult to get out of. This room was designed to force less persistent people to give up as there is no evident pathway aside from the window from whence they came. In the unlucky event that your guests discover the secret door hidden behind the portrait of a severe-looking house elf, they will enter The Kitchen.

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THE SECOND ROOM

THE HALLOWEEN HAUNTED HORROR PACKAGE: THE DINING ROOM The Dining Room is cobwebbed in an enchantingly beautiful way. Several ghosts roam the spacious room and will enlighten guests on the history of the house. The exit is clearly marked by a great oak front door from which they can exit at any time.

THE CALL IT OFF PACKAGE: THE KITCHEN The Kitchen is....a poorlystocked kitchen. There's no food in the refrigerator and very nearly no cooking supplies save a single pot. There are two doors leading out of this room and they both lead to the Front Door where, if they feel like it, they can do the whole cycle over again.

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QUIBBLER CASTLES AND BURROWS

Mansions and Meadows by Silvertail8

MANSIONS AND MEADOWS HOUSING AND HEALING POSTERITY MEETS PRESENTATION THEY SCREECH IN FEAR THEY CRY IN SHAME THEY BEMOAN THE FUTURE PROGRESS IS INEVITABLE CYCLES ARE DOOMED INEXORABLE WHEEL OF TIME GLITTERING BAUBLE DILAPIDATED HOVEL TESTS RESIDENTS TIME AFTER TIME GRATITUDE IN LABYRINTH

ome people say that a house should be a home, but those people have never been to my great great aunt's house. I've never set foot there myself but my grandmother's stories paint pictures so vivid, you can almost smell the mold. She once told me a tale of a goblin who ran freely about the upstairs bathroom that terrorized her sisters. Their mother refused to remove it and claimed that it was good for their character. When the goblin had finally been caught, the sisters were enraged to discover that it had been their pet kneazle which one of the brothers had transfigured. The retribution was harsh and swift, leaving the accused brother hanging helplessly from the dining room chandelier by his underpants. Even here, their mother would not intervene as she again claimed that the turn of events would build strong characters. Sure enough, strong characters arose like brick chimney walls from the ashen, weather-worn ruins of their childhood. Five strong children ventured out into the world from the dilapidated house, never

to return. The parents of these children mutter, disconcerted dusty paintings, and bemoan the passage of time. "When we were their age," they rasped with contempt. The children, had they been there, would have sneered back. "You try it, feel the unrelenting pressure of goblin and dragon and kneazle upon your shoulders," they would shoot back, "let's see if you too could stand beneath it. No, you would crumple like the parchment you snivel upon." The house, in its old age, sides with the paintings and heaves the young out onto the stoop. "Come back when you're older," it intones coldly, "come back when you understand." The children hoist their packs upon their shoulders and take to the streets, walking beyond the distant trees and out of the house's line of sight. The house waits impatiently for their return, believing that they will see the error of their ways and will return swiftly. The house imagines that they will prostrate themselves before it, admitting their foolishness and begging forgiveness. "Yes,"

CASTLES AND BURROWS QUIBBLER

the house breathes with the wind, "all will come to pass and the world will be right again." Seasons pass and Winter turns to Spring turns to Summer turns to Fall over and over again. The house loses track of the years as they fly by but time does not leave the house and its occupants untouched. Hinges begin to squeak and brass quickly loses its luster. The brick fireplace crumbles slightly and paintings begin to flake, bowing to the Master Time. When at last the children return, they too bear the marks of time upon their cheeks, backs, and bones. In stark contrast, their eyes gleam bright with self-sustained youth, unbent to the trials of the world. Upon seeing them, the house creaks a tired salutation but the children pay it no mind. Again the house shifts, hoping to catch their attention so it can begin its tired tirade. The aged occupants of the paintings drool and snore in their seats, unaware

of the approaching storm. One by one, the children pluck the paintings from the wall, clear away decades of muck and dust, and wipe away the tainted memories along with the grime. Bit by bit, the proud house is dismantled and shelled until it stands curiously light. Unencumbered by centuries of prejudice, suspicion, fear, and decay, the house stands firm but confused. Its hinges no longer protest, its floorboards no longer creak, and its pipes no longer whistle in a gentle breeze. Exhausted, but pleased with the product of their hard work, the children step back and admire their childhood home which now sparks in the light of several yellowing streetlamps. Even the paintings' occupants, craning to see from their skewed positions on the ground, had to admit that the house looked better without the accumulated dirt of a century or two. Although they were tempted to be

rid of everything their family had left behind, the children were selective in their use of Vanishing Spells. The portraits watched in horror as every material thing they had once owned was either Evanescoed or sold. At the end of the impromptu yard sale, the children pick up each portrait and walk to a specific bedroom on the third floor. Carefully, they hang each painting in this room and close the door. The house was eventually sold to another wizarding family, and then another, and so on throughout the years. Each family was more modern than the last and added their own flair to the old house. The portraits, however, remain where they were last hung; sometimes surrounded by laughter and sometimes by peaceful tranquility. They are a reminder of, in a bustling and busy society, the importance of keeping an open mind and being present in the moment.

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Crochet Corner: Basil the Basilisk by lynndaem

o, I see you’ve slithered your way down into the Chamber of Secrets in search of the basilisk. Unfortunately, he is no longer here, but look no further, I have something even better.

Difficulty Level: Beginner to Intermediate Terms to Know: • MR - Magic Ring • SL ST - Slip Stitch • SC - Single Crochet • HDC - Half Double Crochet • DC - Double Crochet • INC - Increase • DEC - Decrease • CH - Chain • FLO - Front Loop Only • BLO - Back Loop Only

Materials Needed:

CRAFTS, BREWS, AND HOBBIES QUIBBLER Note: If you find it difficult to sew things onto your amigurumis once they are stuffed, I recommend creating the horns before creating the head and stitching them on when you place your eyes. The horns should be placed roughly three stitches diagonally back from each eye, with the larger horn placed above the smaller horn as photographed below.

Head Row R1 R2 R3 R4

Total stitches for each round 6 12 18 24

Sc into MR x 6 INC x 6 (SC , INC) x 6 (SC, INC, SC) x6 R5-8 SC x 24 24 *Place two stitch markers ~6 stitches apart on row 6 as you crochet. This will be where your eyes go. Place your eyes once you complete row 8. Optional: Sew the horns into place at this step, if not, sew in at end once the head is stuffed.

• Light Green Yarn (For this pattern, I will be using a skein of Peaches & Creme in Rosemary, this pattern uses very little yarn and I have been able to make 3 basilisks from one skein of this yarn.) • 5mm Crochet Hook (or hook sizes recommended for your yarn of choice. A heavier weight yarn and a larger hook will result in a larger Basilisk! Likewise, a thinner yarn and a smaller hook will make a smaller Basilisk.) • Button or Safety eyes • Polyfill/Stuffing • Stitch marker (A small scrap of yarn will work to mark the beginning of each round) • Darning needle • OPTIONAL: Green and Grey scrap yarn to create a scarf (I am using Impeccable in Deep Forest and Classic Grey)

(SC, DEC, SC) 18 x6 R10 BLO (SC, 12 DEC) x 6 *Stuff head to desired firmness R11 DEC x 6 6 Break off yarn with a medium-length tail and sew the remainder closed. Weave yarn into the head to lose it.

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Body Row

Total stitches for each round R1 Sc into MR x 6 6 R2 INC x 6 12 R3 (SC , INC) x 6 18 R4 BLO SC x 18 18 R5-10 SC x 18 18 R11 (SC, DEC) x 6 12 *Stuff body to desired firmness. Do not overstuff or the basilisk will not stay upright. R12 DEC x 6 6 Break off yarn and leave a long enough tail to stitch the body to the head.

Tail

Row R1 R2-3 R4 R5

R7-8 R9 R9 3/4

R10-12 R13

Total Stitches for Each Round Sc into MR x 6 6 SC x 6 6 (SC, INC) x 3 9 HDC x 4, CH 1, turn work, HDC x4 * Before starting the next round, I turn my work without a CH1 and work back into the stitch that was just created to keep from working backwards into my rounds for the rest of the tail, however, this is optional. SC * DEC over large gaps on sides to create a round of 9 SC x 9

9 12 *This is not a full round, center work by SC to the other side. The number of stitches may vary (it usually takes me 8 sc). You want it to have 4 spaces roughly centered with the â&#x20AC;&#x153;pointâ&#x20AC;? of the tail HDC x 4, CH 1, turn work SC 12 * DEC over large gaps on side to create a round of 12

R14 R15

SC x 12 12 HDC x 3, HDC 15 and SC into same stitch, (SC x 3, INC) x2 R16 HDC x 4, SC 15 x 11 Stuff tail firmly, do not overstuff the tail, or your basilisk will not stand upright. Break off yarn with a long tail to sew the basilisk tail to the body. The bottom of the tail should align with the top of the ridge created at the bottom of the body to create a flat surface.

Small Horns (x2)

CH 3. FLO SC in 2nd CH from hook. FLO HDC. SL ST into the same stitch and break off yarn. Leave a tail to stitch the horn to the head.

Large Horns (x2)

CH 4. FLO SC in 2nd CH from hook. FLO HDC. FLO DC. SL ST into the same stitch and break off yarn. Leave a tail to stitch the horn to the head.

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Assembly:

Using the leftover tails, stitch the head to the top of the body and the tail to the back, making sure to keep tail level so the Basilisk can stand up on its own.

Yarn can be carried up along the back of the scarf as this will be the side that you stitch against the Basilisk (make sure to carry the yarn up the same side each time!). Your scarf length should be long enough to wrap around the neck of your basilisk and hang down. Note: Adjust the initial chain size to create a comfortable fitting scarf for your new basilisk. Congratulations! You now have your own Basil the Basilisk! Go forth and petrify people with his cuteness!

Slytherin Scarf (Optional) In Dark Green: CH 4. SC across, CH 1, turn. Repeat for 2-3 rows. Switch to Light Grey and repeat.

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FLOAT ON,

the sopophorous bean, to evoke an even deeper state of relaxation. The inside of the tanks have a blackened mirror motif, to give a subconscious Psychomanteum effect. And instead By k9centipede of the common binaural beats played for muggles, Jade provides the option to listen to the song of Koi, her Fwooper, cross bred with a Thunderbird. His song stimulates the brain waves associated with magic. Finally, if total darkness is not quite your bag, there are bouquets of phoenix feathers to sprinkle in the water, their slight glow giving a very calming presence.

a LevioSPA Review

large tank with 10 inches of salt infused water, blocked off from the rest of the world, with only your own soul to keep you company. Sensory deprivation tanks, or float tanks, are a growing fad among the muggle community. Jade Geisel, a muggle born Ravenclaw alumni, has finally brought this very fad to the wizarding community with her own magical twists. LevioSPA is a magical infused float environment located in Hogsmeade, next door to Madam Puddifoot's, with whom they have a partnership. After a relaxing float you are given a coupon for a relaxing drink to enjoy there. I recommend the Lavender Nimbus. Jadeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s tanks differ from the mundane muggle versions in a few key points. When you first enter the rooms with the tanks (or casks as a wizard might see them as), you'll notice a faint blue glow emitting from underneath. This is from the bluebell flames used to maintain the perfect temperature, ensuring you can't feel where your skin ends and the water begins. In addition to salt, the water is infused with the oil from

Before you can get into your tank, you must rinse off with a shower similar to the Thief's Downfall in Gringotts, to wash away any enchantments or spells that might impede the relaxing depth of your experience. You are also recommended to avoid consuming any stimulating potions, especially Felix Felicis, due to the cross effects. The effects of the actual float can vary from witch to witch. Some simply experience the deepest feeling of relaxation they have ever felt, while others report a sense of astral projection while in the water. Be sure to check the next Quibbler edition for my personal interview with a surprise LevioSPA regular!

VEGAN FAJITAS Alright, I’m sure we’ve all been there before. Out at a Mexican restaurant, eating your chips and dip, when suddenly you smell onions and peppers wafting in front of you. You ask what this dish heavy in the scent of cumin might be called, and you’re told it’s a Fajita. So you try to order it, but are told that you can’t get it without meat. It’s a sad, unfortunate fact of life. But now, we have a solution! Just now we have discovered how to create one of these Fajitas without using any meat! - meddleofmycause

What you will need Corn Tortilla Shells (or flour. I won’t judge. But corn is yummy, so go with the corn, yeah?) Portobello mushroom 1 bell pepper ½ white onion 1 avocado 1 lime 1 tsp garlic powder 1 tbsp cumin 1 tsp paprika ½ tsp cayenne pepper powder 1 tbsp chili powder oil

Instructions Mix spices together. Slice Portobello and toss it lightly with oil and then throw with spices. Slice onions and cook on medium heat in a frying pan with light oil. When they start to be translucent add sliced peppers and onions. Cook until soft. Lightly heat tortillas in a separate frying pan until soft. Spoon mushroom mixture into tortilla. Add sliced avocado and squeeze lime on top. Serve with a small side salad.

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occasion that exposed our secret? Well, my anonymous sources tell me that a witch known as Joanne K. Rowling has used the naive trust of no-mages to make herself… immortal. Ok, I know what you’re he ministry might want you thinking, but hear me out. The to think that no-mages are witch Joanne created a 7 volume completely oblivious to our antics, book series, named after the famous but in reality the number of noHarry Potter, which encompasses mages who think witches and his story, divulging our secret. In wizards are real has skyrocketed Harry Potter, Voldemort makes for what they will tell you is “no 7 Horcruxes which makes him apparent reason”. But why would immortal. To create a Horcrux you any no-mage suddenly believe in must take someone's life and put magic, if nothing happened? Here half of your soul in an object; if a is a graph of the percentage of second Horcrux is made it is only a no-mages who believe in wizards, quarter, then an eighth, and so on over time. and so on. Here's the thing though: in every book a well-loved character dies, and you might make the argument that they are not real people, but to that I say: what makes someone alive? ‘Alive’ is something humans made up and that means that anything a crazed fan would consider alive, is alive. What are the objects she put her soul in? The original copies she keeps under lock and key. A study funded by professor Flitwick of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Subject: Muggle Safety 4 September, 20XX

As you can see in a period of only 4 years the percentage has gone from a stable 1-2% to a whopping 48%, but what was this momentous

Why? Why not. If you could get away with being immortal, wouldn't you? No? You might say that now, but once you are given the decision I believe you will make the selfish choice.

Bogin & Burkes Purveyors of Antiquities and Objects with Unusual and Powerful Properties 13B Knockturn Alley

For many young witches and wizards attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, as they get older the question of how to spend their remaining summer holidays becomes increasingly important. Often, students of great potential are faced with increasingly pressing inquiries by their older wizarding family members as to how they plan to further their education and experience, in order to be better prepared after they graduate. If you are such a student who has completed their Ordinary Wizarding Levels, please consider a summer working at Borgin & Burkes!

Now, there are some that might say that a shop is no fit place of employment for any promising scion of a proper wizarding family. We ask though that you keep in mind that we cater to some of the most prestigious families, and many pillars of our community frequent our establishment. Working at Borgin & Burkes will present many opportunities to interact and connect with other families of note, both among your peers and elders. While we at Borgin & Burkes pride ourselves on our service to our customers, we also provide them with a necessary service that they can ill afford to do without. We have had a number of worthy and notable employees throughout the years. Even a former Head Boy at Hogwarts worked his way up to being one of our acquisitions specialists. There are a great many opportunities at Borgin & Burkes for

a clever and shrewd worker to turn to their advantage. Many of the skills you will develop here can be carried into other careers as well. The chance to meet and impress our important clientele, and practice listening respectfully to their problems and complaints, will serve you well in multiple careers. This would especially apply to a career in the Ministry of Magic, in which your relation to many of these individuals will be remarkably similar. In fact, we have had a few rare employees who have pursued more esoteric studies say that the training they had setting their feelings aside in order to better serve unsatisfied customers has been useful in their separate training in Occlumency. There is also the knowledge to be gained from the rare artefacts we work with, buying and reselling, much of which may help in some of your N.E.W.T. level exams.

Apply today to see how far your work with us can take you! Recommendations from upstanding witches and wizards belonging to notable families are welcome.

All applications and recommendations are due by the end of the Easter holidays and to be sent to Borgin & Burkes at 13B Knockturn Alley. We eagerly await your owl.

Sincerely yours, Borgin & Burkes

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DARK ARTS

Dance of the Dead: An Inferi Legend Part Two

aw dropping, Merlin could do naught but stare at a sight he had previously believed to be impossible. The ancient woman next to him crowed with delight at what she saw to be the answer to all of her prayers and undeniable proof that all of the old legends were true. Startled awake by this boisterous outcry, the young child at the base of the large, gilded fountain jerked upright. Their eyes were wide and round as saucers with irises colored a pale gold by the rising sun. Ignoring the child completely, the woman hobbled around the Fountain of Youth which stood roughly three men high and gleamed in the sunlight. Mostly made of polished granite, the Fountain of Youth was also decorated with golden cherubs, the tallest of which spouted the famous waters from its mouth while the smallest tickled it from behind. "Glory be, Merlin!" the woman laughed and leaned down to cup the water in her withered hands. However, before she could touch the liquid, the child leapt up from their relaxed position and held the woman's hands firm within their own. "Only those willing to sacrifice everything may drink from the fountain," the child intoned, still restraining the old woman with very little effort. Merlin, still standing by the bend in the road, managed to snap his mouth shut and con-

templated them. Although the child appeared to be small and helpless, there was an undeniable power that emanated from them. Their voice was one of a thousands year-old being and their strength far exceeded their physical limits. As the foolish Muggle woman went on and on about all that she had sacrificed to reach the fountain, the child began to smile toothily, sharp canines glinting in the sunlight. Although the day was just beginning to warm, Merlin felt a sudden chill and shivered reflexively. On his movement, the child's eyes snapped to his and held him captive. Unable to move or even blink, Merlin struggled to communicate to the old woman that this child was not all they appeared to be. Unfortunately, when one has been petrified by the gaze of an unidentified creature, there is very little one can do to warn one's companions. When Merlin was finally able to move, it was too late. The woman who had charmed him so well in his youth with her song and beauty, who had been guided delicately to misfortune by the jealousy of her queen, and who had dragged him on this preposterous quest to reclaim her former glory now lay at the foot of the fountain she had risked life and limb to reach. Horrified and believing her dead, Merlin rushed to her side, reaching for his wand as he went. The goblin child

stayed his hand and silently bid him to wait. Confused, Merlin looked first to the goblin child and next to the woman's hands which were still damp from the fountain's waters. "She will rest for a moon and then return to you, more beautiful than ever but just as empty," the goblin child laughed and then began to shoo the warlock away. No matter how hard he protested, Merlin could not manage to draw nearer to the woman. He tried running, attacking the goblin child, and sneaking past when the goblin child slept; all to no avail. So, after many days of further pleading and threatening the goblin child, he made his way back through the forest, over streams and under canopies of ambivalent green branches. The woman's cottage looked just as it had on the day that they had left, although the garden looked wanting. Merlin dedicated the next month to tidying up the garden, vanquishing the weeds, polishing the brass door knobs and hinges, and generally sprucing up her property until it was largely unrecognizable. Although he very much doubted whether she would ever return, keeping busy meant that all of the pain and doubt could be kept at bay. The neighbors again marveled at this young man who, they were certain, must be the son of the man that once came to tend the woman's garden all those years ago. Perhaps, they mused, he was taking on the family business? On occasion, one of the neighbors would attempt to employ Merlin for themselves, thinking it a kindness and perhaps even beneficial for both parties. They offered bread, cheese, and once, to his embarrassment,

one of their daughters. Merlin was just in the process of letting the daughter down gracefully when it finally happened. Busy with avoiding her kisses and trying to get a word in edgewise through her declarations of love, Merlin somehow missed the approach of another beautiful young woman. What he could not miss was her hand taking his and her soft voice reminding the daughter of her composure and grace. Through her words alone, the woman convinced the daughter to relinquish the physical and emotional holds over Merlin and realize her love for another. When the daughter finally and blissfully wandered away in search of some unfortunate soul by the name of Arthur, Merlin finally turned to see who had saved him from such a mundane fate. Once again, he found his jaw dropping at the vision of a woman he recalled from long ago in a time before jealousy and hardship. "Morgana," her name was like honey on a famished tongue and he relished using it once again. Morgana beamed like never before and answered his smile with an embrace that crushed the distance and years between them. To him, she smelled of lavender and fresh parchment. To her, he smelled of soil and oakwood. Despite their differences and their trials, they found home in one another. Little did they know that their joy would be short lived and that their affection would eventually turn to enmity. Even as they laughed and revelled in their reunion, forces beyond them were plotting their separation and, in turn, the downfall of the kingdom. by Silvertail 8

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ASK MADAM

STARFLASH

Do YOU have burning questions for our resident Seer and fairy, Madam Starflash? Got yourself in a relationship with a Vampire and don’t know if it’s going to work out? Debating on using a love potion on your biggest crush? Have a bully you’d love to get rid off? Don’t hesitate to ask! Madam Starflash ALWAYS has the right answer for you! Contact her in Divination Tower at /r/TheQuibbler now with your desperate questions! 34

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k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash,

Dear Madam Starflash,

My Pureblood girlfriend thinks I'm cheating. How do I break to her that I've been going to a weekly game of Dungeons and Dragons hosted by my Muggle brother?

My favorite goat has been a little standoffish. How do I let her know she's appreciated? Please help!

Sincerely, Buggered Boyfriend

Sincerely, Shmabberforth Shmumbledore

Dearest Buggered,

Dearest “Shmabberforth”,

The important thing here is that you tell your girlfriend the truth. Show her your cosplay robes and your character sheet, she’ll have a delightful time laughing at you.

Don’t.

May Fortune smile upon you!

Dear Madam Starflash, My brother has successfully pranked me for the last 3 years while my pranks of water buckets and dead mice have gone nearly unnoticed! How can I get him really good this year? Thank you! Sincerely, Practical Joker Dearest Joker, Head to Weasley’s Wizarding Wheezes (Number 93 Diagon Alley) for all your pranking needs. May Fortune smile upon you!

May Fortune smile upon you!

Dear Madam Starflash, I am becoming increasingly worried about the reliability of our new divination teacher, Sybill Trelawney! Anyway, she has not yet made any accurate predictions! Angus hasn't been expelled for releasing a plague, Mary hasn't broken her nose on the headmaster's kneecap and Felicity hasn't drowned in the bathtub! I've heard that you are quite the Seer as well, so I thought I'd come to you to review our Seer's sanity. What shall we do? Sincerely, Skeptical Student Seer Dearest Skeptical, HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY GRANDMOTHER? I ASSURE YOU SHE IS PERFECTLY SANE AND HER PREDICTIONS ARE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RELIABLE AND ACCURATE. SHE’S JUST SEEING AHEAD OF YOUR TIME. May Fortune smile upon you!

k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm 35

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k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm Dear Madam Starflash,

Dear Madam Starflash,

I have been waiting for more than a month for my teacher to return my test. Can you See my grade? I really need to know if I passed this course or not!

Me and my SO celebrated our first Valentine's this year and it was really sweet. But I am afraid he will leave me, like my previous two boyfriends did. Can you See if the third time's the charm and if I will get my happily ever after?

Sincerely, A Desperate Student Dearest Desperate, Of course, I can See your grade is an Acceptable. However, you must talk to your teacher; her scatterbrained tendency to forget to return tests and assignments is a sign of early-onset dementia and she needs to go to St. Mungo’s for treatment. May Fortune smile upon you!

Love, Scared to be hurt Dearest Scared, A happily ever after is never guaranteed. Get yourself to Hogsmeade when this jerk ditches out next Tuesday. You’ll meet the girl of your dreams at Zonko’s. Surprise! May Fortune smile upon you!

Dear Madam Starflash, I have a problem. My students have been asking me to give them their grades for over a month now, but I lost their tests! Accio or any other locating spells do not work. Please help! Sincerely, Chaotic Professor Dearest Professor, THE TESTS ARE IN YOUR DESK DRAWER. GO TO ST. MUNGO’S. NOW. May Fortune smile upon you!

k l f s d l n f l k n w e k l n f k l s e n d f n s d k l n s f k f d s n f dskfmkmksdldfdklmsklfgmkldmsklmggdkmklgm 36

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Untitled Goose Article It is a lovely day in Hogwarts, and you are a horrible goose.

You steal the boyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s quill as he sits under the tree, running as quick as your stubby legs will go. You reach the edge of the lake and you drop the quill in the water.

You waddle and waddle, the players catch a glimpse as you reach the lake, they give chase, it is too late. You HONK loudly as you circle the broom, floating calmly further into the lake.

You HONK, distracting the girls from their quiet chatter in Greenhouse 3. They look around, you steal their bookbag dragging it into the cabbage patch.

You flap your wings and waddle closer to the Quidditch players as they relax by the lake. You grab a broom and start to pull it away, there is no rush, you have all the time you need.

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You knock the table, a potion vial rolls to the edge. You knock it again, the vial falls, clinking against the stone floor.

You HONK at the Fat Lady, she swings open to allow you in. You edge around the common room. The smaller children watch you with anticipation, the elders with suspicion. You pull at papers hanging from the edge of the table, you fail to enter the dormitories, they begin to

Professor Slughorn bends down, you nick his cap from his head, HONKing victoriously as you flap down the dungeon hall, the tassel fluttering behind.

relax. You knock over an inconspicuous box, noted only with a W. A yo-yo spills out, you pull it along behind you by the thread, toddling out of the common room. A horrible scream follows and echoes down the hallways. The students sigh, Filch is heard yelling threats in the distance.

Professor McGonagall sits in her chair in the Headmistressâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Office, you HONK from the hallway outside. She does not investigate.

It is a beautiful day in Hogwarts, and you are a horrible goose.

QUIBBLER EDUCATION This essay is part of a longer article previously handed in as a final assignment for a course at Newcastle University. Those interested in the full work can send an owl to Eldis_, Ravenclaw Manager, located at the Quibbler Head Office.

Harry Potter, a Case Study of Social Class in British Literature by Edlis_

It is relatively easy to discover what social issues are important to or engrained into a culture. Simply pick up a popular novel written by an author part of that culture and the answer will reveal itself. After all, we write and read ‘to better understand ourselves and those around us’ (Clifton 74). An example of this is social class in Britain. Throughout English history, there has been a strong social stratification. It is steeped in British culture, so much so that authors seem to be unable to not mention it. The class system is a consistently returning theme in popular British fiction. Geoffrey Chaucer, nicknamed ‘the father of English literature’, already satirises social class in his The Canterbury Tales published in the fourteenth century, and even in our modern day and age, J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series, which has sold over ‘500 million copies’ (Pottermore), criticises the invisible walls placed between the different social classes. She instead argues in favour of collaboration and cooperation to create a better future. The popularity of these texts, even to this day, years or even centuries after they have been published, show how both social class and the disapproval of that system are ingrained in British culture. Although many would like to believe the class system is non-existent in our modern, emancipated times, research has proven that British society can be split up into six, or, if the small but still existing upper class is included, seven social classes based on relations, job description, wealth and cultural values. The NRS social grades has called the six classes A, B, C1, C2, D and E. Class A consists of the upper-middle class, made up by people with jobs in higher management or other highly professional, well-educated positions. They are closely followed by group B, the middle class, employees in moderately high management, administrative or otherwise professional positions. C1 and C2 are the lower middle classes. The former includes all nonmanual labourers not included in A and B, whilst the 40

latter refers to skilled manual workers having served apprenticeships. D, the working class, is made up of semi-skilled and unskilled manual workers whilst E covers all those on state pensions, state benefits or those working for little wage. Inequality between the classes is still prevalent, with income inequality in Britain ‘rising more dramatically than in nearly any other nation’ (Savage). Although the lower middle classes have ‘much more fluid boundaries’ (Savage), it is still, like it has been throughout English history, difficult to climb the social ladder. High tuition fees, childcare prices and the continuous need for networking make it challenging for the more disadvantaged to land higher-paying jobs. Joanne Rowling, who only adopted the ‘K’ initial when the publishers wanted her to use her initials rather than her full name, fearing that a book written by a female author would not appeal to the male target audience, was born into the upper-middle class. With her parents earning decent wages as ‘a factory manager and a lab technician’ (Park 182) she was able to study at the University of Exeter and worked for Amnesty International and the Chambers of Commons before teaching English as a second language in Portugal. After a miscarriage and a divorce, she moved to Edinburgh to live close to her sister, where she, although ‘she would have no trouble finding another teaching job’ (qtd. in Park 182) voluntarily ‘went on public assistance for a year’ (182) to have the time to finish writing the first instalment of the Harry Potter series. She later did indeed find a job teaching French, and until her writing career took off she lived ‘squarely in the middle-class world she had always known’ (182). Rowling loved to ‘read Dickens’ (Parker), something that becomes clear when reading her world-famous series. Just like many of Dickens’ main characters, Harry is a deprived child who comes into a better world, and just like Dickens, Rowling uses her writing to explore social class, arguing that everyone, no matter their origin, is ‘worth the same, and worth saving’ (Rowling, Deathly Hallows 359). At first glance, Rowling’s wizarding world contains four social classes: muggles, muggle-borns, half-bloods and pure-bloods. However, a closer look reveals a much wider spectrum of social classes inhabited by the magical beings part of Harry Potter’s world. One’s position is almost completely based on one’s birth. The magical equivalent of the upper class are wizards and witches who wield wands, are fully human and pureblooded, meaning they have both magical parents and grandparents. However, being a pure-blooded wizard is no guarantee for a good social position. The Weasleys, a completely magical family, do not believe in the wizarding class system and are therefore seen as ‘blood traitors’ (Rowling, Order of the Phoenix 101) and worth less than the pure-bloods who do believe in the system. The middle class exists out of magical humans who are half-blood, with the lower middle class consisting of muggle-born witches and wizards, together with the

EDUCATION QUIBBLER aforementioned blood traitors. The upper-lower class contains all magical half-humans, and the lowest class groups together all non-wand wielding beings, whether this is because they are muggles, squibs, or because they are non-human and therefore by law forbidden ‘to carry or use a wand’ (Rowling, Goblet of Fire 113). The main conflict of the Harry Potter series is centred around the rights for and value of all social classes present in the wizarding world. The villain Voldemort and his followers believe in ‘the purification of the wizarding race, getting rid of Muggle-borns and having pure-bloods in charge’ (OotP 103) whilst the heroes fight against this belief and in favour of a ‘strong bond of friendship and trust’ (GoF 608) between all magical beings, no matter the ‘differences of habit and language’ (608). Those who advocate in favour of a strict social order are consistently portrayed as bad or evil. Voldemort and his Death Eaters, who murder and torture without hesitation, and even ‘for fun’ (Rowling, Goblet of Fire 121), are obvious examples of this, but they are not the only one. Dolores Umbridge, who ‘loathes part humans’ (Rowling, Order of the Phoenix 281), is also shown to be cruel and heartless, even though she never officially becomes a Death Eater. She tortures students, gives out biased punishments and drugs students with Veritaserum, a potion that forces anyone who consumes it to tell the truth. She works for the Voldemortinfluenced dictatorial regime, uses Alastor Moody’s ‘large, round eye with a bright blue iris’ (Rowling, Deathly Hallows 202) after his death and clearly takes pleasure in the torture and near-murder of anyone she does not see as pure enough. Even when she is handing out the death-sentence to other wizards, whilst surrounded by dementors, creatures known for sucking ‘all the happiness out of you’ (OotP 32), she is ‘so happy’ (DH 210) and ‘in her element’ (210) that she is capable of producing a powerful Patronus, a spell one has to be happy for in order to cast it. It is clear that all those who uphold the idea of the class system in the wizarding world are portrayed as villains.

Aside from making all characters who support the class system undeniably evil, Rowling also makes her argument against class separation by showing people from all classes working together for good. Dumbledore’s sentiment that ‘we are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided’ (Rowling, Goblet of Fire 608) is shown consistently throughout the Harry Potter series. The ‘Golden Trio’, as the three main characters have been nicknamed, consists out of Ron Weasley, a pure-blooded wizard, Harry Potter, a half-blood, and Hermione Granger, a muggle-born. These three collaborate with other wizards and magical creatures from every layer of society. They work with the half-blood but widely respected Albus Dumbledore, the pure-blood Sirius from the prestigious Black family, the house-elf Dobby, the squib Mrs Figg, the goblin Griphook, the half-human half-giant Hagrid and the werewolf Remus Lupin, to name only a few. Together, they manage to defeat Voldemort and save many, many lives. In the more recent Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them series, also penned by Rowling, she extends this recommendation of cooperation by having the magical main characters work together with a muggle, Jacob Kowalski. Rowling shows that if class boundaries are ignored and people from all layers of society stand together, great deeds can be done. The class system is so steeped in British society that it seems impossible for English writers not to incorporate it in their story, no matter how fictional the world they create is. Rowling’s fictional wizarding world of Harry Potter shows the faults of attaching value to people based on their position in society and demonstrates how ignoring the imaginary walls between the arbitrary layers England has created and working together, regardless of heritage, can create substantial, beneficiary change. It is unlikely that class differences in the United King will ever truly be eradicated, but in the meantime we have literature to show us how, if we open our hearts to people outside of our direct social circle and ignore the boundaries culture tells us to uphold, we can be better, happier people who can improve the world around us.

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Spring Self Care! Feeling down, drained, all around empty • Clean Out What No Longer Serves You after the long winter season? Are your Winter is the time of letting go, and Spring is potions falling flat? Lacking the drive to the time of going forward with the new lightness perform any chore without simply waving that comes from cutting off the excess. Go through your closet and collections and ask your wand? While one of the most beautiful seasons, Winter can also be one of the hardest to get through. The long cold, lack of growth, and gloomy clouds can have a strong effect on our mood, and cause us to feel exhausted. As our world turns, and we come back to Spring, it’s time to prepare ourselves for the energy of Summer again! Basic Self Care Practices: • Go Easy on Yourself January is the time for setting resolutions, and the beginning of spring is about the time we realize just how difficult building new habits can be. Forgive yourself, accept that changing your daily practices can be very hard, but gently push forward towards your goals. Beating yourself up over it will only make reaching the goal more difficult.

• Take the Time to Just Be As the Earth begins to put out her growth again, take a moment to feel it. Find a nice place outside or next to a window and breathe in the life that’s slowly creeping back out. Release your worries for the future or regrets of the past and focus on your breathing and the beauty around you.

yourself if the items truly serve you anymore, or if they might better serve someone else. Saying goodbye to the sentimental memories may be sad, but the new freedom from clutter will help you to similarly organize your thoughts.

• Treat Yourself, Responsibly We can’t all go on a huge shopping spree to buy whatever we want just because we want to feel better, but there are ways to still make yourself happy while maintaining your discipline. One of the easiest ways to do this is to allow yourself time in the morning and evening to just do what you’d like to do, whether that’s reading a book, watching a TV show, having a bath, or just taking your time while you’re getting ready. Treat yourself with good, healthy food (I’m looking at you, New Year’s Resolutions) and keep the actual treats to a minimum. They’re ok once in a while, but they’re better saved for the truly rainy days.

• Add a Little Magic to Your Life! As we all know, our lives are filled to the brim with magic, be it the magic in finishing that book you wanted to read, the skill you cultivate in fulfilling your beloved hobby, the love and flavour you poured into a new tasty dish, or even just the magic of sitting back with an excellent cup of tea. Find something magical and incorporate it into your life. Embrace this new year, and the new season of growth in your life! Go forth and prosper!

Hilarious Howlers

By EdenKru

Howlers are a loud, sometimes embarrassing way to converse with others witches and wizards. I have collected some of these noisy notes that were written from January to March with the permission of their senders or recipients, and have compiled them for your viewing pleasure below. Multiple topics include relationships, crushes, pranking, bullying, literature and movie references, and personal belongings. Names are left anonymous to protect all parties involved.

ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE, MY BUM IS CUTE, YOURS IS TOO!

ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS ARE BLUE, GET OUT OF MY FACE, I DON’T LIKE YOU!

by a Hogwarts student who was harassed with too many valentines from one person.

GRYFFINDORS ARE RED, RAVENCLAWS ARE BLUE, YOU PRANKED ME GOOD, I’M COMING AFTER YOU!

by a Hogwarts student who was pranked by their sibling or rival.

IT’S BEEN 14 DAYS SINCE I LET A CERTAIN SOMEONE BORROW MY PEN. I NEED IT BACK TODAY. OR I WILL FIND YOU.

by a Hogwarts student to a ‘friend’ who forgot to return said pen.

by a Hogwarts student, sent to a crush in a cute but embarrassing attempt to get attention.

HAKUNA MATATA! WHAT A WONDERFUL PHRASE!

by a Muggleborn Hogwarts student during dinner in the Great Hall. All the other Muggleborn and Half-Blood students joined in and chanted the song, while most of the Purebloods who were not familiar with Muggle movies stared in confusion.

WHAT DO I WANT? WHAT DO I WANT? CHICKY NUGGIES!!!

by a Hogwarts student who is a fan of certain sci-fi franchises.

DRAGONS ARE RED, PIXIES ARE BLUE, STOP BEING DISTRACTED, THERE’S HOMEWORK TO DO!

by a Hogwarts student who didn’t see the need for romance.

GRYFFINDORS ARE RED, SLYTHERINS ARE GREEN, YOU KINDA SUCK, AND YOU’RE REALLY MEAN!

by a Hogwarts student who finally found a voice in response to a bully.

by a sibling sick at home to a Hogwarts student.

GRYFFINDORS ARE RED, HUFFLEPUFFS ARE YELLOW, I LOVE YOUR TEACHING STYLE, YOU’RE SO VERY MELLOW! YOUR PET TOUCAN ATE MY CANDY FROM HOGSMEADE! I’M NOT SURE WHAT ELSE HE ATE, BUT HE’S COMPLETELY BLUE NOW! by a Hogwarts student to a professor who felt embarrassed by students’ compliments.

by a Hogwarts student who led a study group, to a friend who could never remember to study. This student also happens to be a fan of the Muggle author J. R. R. Tolkien.

by a foolish Hogwarts student. He ran outside with flaming hair towards the Lake to avoid his girlfriend in a righteous fury.

I’M NOT SURE HOW TO SAY THIS… SO I’M JUST GOING TO GO AHEAD AND SAY IT… I WANT TO BREAK UP. JUST KIDDING, APRIL FOOLS!

YOOOUUU SHALLLLL NOOOOOT PAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS UNLESS YOU COME TO STUDY GROUP! THREE O’ CLOCK IN THE LIBRARY! TRANSFIGURATION SECTION!

by a Hogwarts student who reeeeeeally wanted their sandwich back.

WHO ATE MY SANDWICH?!? WILL THE OFFENDER PLEASE STEP FORWARD… NO ONE???... SMART. YOU KNEW I’D NEVER FORGIVE YOU. WHO THE *BLEEP* ATE MY SANDWICH?

FOR 2 MONTHS!!! THAT IS NOT WHAT I TAUGHT YOU THAT SPELL FOR!!! by part of our famous Golden trio to their son and daughter.

by part of our famous Golden trio to their son and daughter.

HUGO, ROSE, I’M SO PROUD!!! YOU’VE LIVED UP TO OUR FAMILY LEGACY!!! HAVE A TOFFEE.” “KIDS, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT. HAVE TWO CHOCOLATE FROGS AND A FREE BUTTERBEER ON ME NEXT WEEK!!! UMM, WAIT, HERMIONE, NO—” “GEORGE!!! RON!!!! WHY ARE YOU GIVING HUGO AND ROSE CANDY FOR PULLING A PRANK ON HOGWARTS WITH THEIR COUSINS?!?!? ARE YOU ENCOURAGING THEM TO BE DELINQUENTS?!? I DIDN’T FIGHT A WAR AND SAVE THAT CASTLE ONLY FOR THEM TO TURN IT AND EVERYTHING IN IT BRIGHT PINK FOR 2 MONTHS!!! THAT IS NOT WHAT I TAUGHT YOU THAT SPELL FOR!!!

AVOCADOS BE LIKE, WHAT TIME IS IT? Muggleborns at Hufflepuff table: “1:00pm!!!” Muggleborns at Slytherin table: “1:00pm!!!” Muggleborns at Gryffindor table: “1:00pm!!!” Muggleborns at Ravenclaw table: “1:01pm!!!”

JAMES, ALBUS, LILY, I BELIEVE YOU HAVE SINGLE HANDEDLY CREATED THE MOST CHAOTIC WEEK OF ALL TIME AT HOGWARTS. CONGRATS AND WELL DONE!!! I REALLY LIKED WHAT I HEARD ABOUT THE COLOR BOMBS IN THE STAIRWELLS AND THE GIGANTIC PANCAKES STUCK TO THE CEILING IN THE GREAT HALL. DID YOU ALSO DO—OH *BLEEP*, GINNY—” “HI DARLING. KIDS, GOOD JOB ON RENDERING THE GREAT HALL AND ALL THE CLASSROOMS USELESS FOR A WEEK. THE SYRUP SWAMP WAS A GREAT TOUCH. HOWEVER, I THINK NOW IT IS IN YOUR BEST CHOICE TO STUDY AT HOME FOR NEXT WEEK, SINCE CLASSES HAVE BEEN CANCELLED. WELCOME HOME, KIDS!!!

by one member of our famous Golden trio and his better half, to their sons and daughter.

QUIBBLER INSERT

THE

LONELY ONES BY ELDRITCH_MOSS

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER TEXT: “I see things I never knew before. Other worlds and other galaxies...Dark...The lightning seems dark and the darkness seems light…” 1

INT. ROBERT BLAKE’S STUDY - NIGHT TEXT: PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND, 1935

ROBERT BLAKE frantically scribbles a message in his darkened room on the upper story of a square Georgian house. Half-finished paintings of shadowy winged things, tentacled monstrosities, and macabre landscapes cover the floor and walls. Outside, thunder and lightning flash. He writes:

surveys her room. It’s a bland off-white, containing only an empty desk, bed, nightstand, mirror, and bookshelf holding a few dusty self-help books and some homemade clay sculptures of featureless, naked men, women and animals. Groggily, she throws on a pair of jeans and looks in the mirror. Dark circles under her eyes - only slightly overshadowed by a pair of thick-rimmed glasses - and a permanent melancholy expression dominate her face. Resignedly, she grabs a knapsack from the desk and heads downstairs. 5

ROBERT BLAKE (V.O.) Lights still out - must be five minutes now. Everything depends on lightning. The thing is taking hold of my mind... 2

SHORE OF NARRAGANSETT BAY - NIGHT

SHADOWY FIGURE holds a luminescent, egg-shaped trapezohedron approximately four inches in diameter made of crystal or some polished mineral with red striations running along it. ROBERT BLAKE (V.O.) ...re-created by the thoughts caught in the Shining Trapezohedron. The figure places the Shining Trapezohedron inside a yellowish metal box, a warped prism with angles jutting out and turning in at odd places, covered with reliefs of strange creatures like the ones in Blake’s paintings. The figure casts the box into the bay. 3

EXT. ROBERT BLAKE’S STUDY - NIGHT

HAUNTER OF THE DARK, a shadowy, tentacle-legged mass with a bulging, fiery-red, three-lobed eye, speeds towards Blake’s room on immense bat wings.

INT. KHLOE’S KITCHEN - LATE MORNING

Khloe inches quietly into her small kitchen. She glimpses JUNE, her mother, happily conversing on the phone in the adjacent dining room. JUNE Oh, things are going *so* well, Donna. I think just a few more edits, and I can finally move onto chapter two! Khloe stealthily grabs a banana from a bowl on the counter and exits her house through the front room. 6

EXT. KHLOE’S HOUSE - NOON

Outside her lower-middle-class, suburbian, cookiecutter home, a charcoal grey CAT with yellow eyes stares at Khloe guardedly. She crouches down to pet it. CAT (angrily) Ssssssssssss! Khloe staggers back. KHLOE Yeah. Me too. It’s warm and sunny. The light burns her eyes.

ROBERT BLAKE (V.O.) I am it and it is I. I see it - coming here. The Haunter closes in on Blake’s window. His pupils glow with the image of its monstrous eye as its mind begins to supplant his own. ROBERT BLAKE (V.O.) Yog-Sothoth save me! The three-lobed burning eye! They see each other face to face. In that moment, a bolt of lightning strikes, sending the world into blackness. 4

INT. KHLOE’S BEDROOM - LATE MORNING

KHLOE TERAS, a 20-something, wakes with a start. Her clock reads 11:27am. She rises with a groan and checks her phone. Only one notification: TEXT: REMINDER: NEW JOB TODAY. 12:00pm. :) She blinks at the message and dispassionately

KHLOE I guess it’s going to be that kind of day. She makes her way through the suburbian sprawl. As she walks, the sky turns more overcast, and the sun takes on an orange glow. A HOMELESS MAN holds a cardboard sign with “The End is Nye” written on it. Khloe tosses a coin into his cup. He stares ahead, unblinking, unresponsive. She continues on. The cookie cutter homes slowly give way to taller, more ancient structures that curve inward and nearly touch overhead in some places. The incline gets steeper and steeper, the streets more cracked and uneven, until she finally reaches her destination at the foot of a grassy hill. Unsure, she double-checks the address - 69 Cluster Lane - using the rusted mailbox, then starts up the 47

curving, crumbling concrete walk. The building is a beautiful and ancient stone church with spires and a bell tower. Elaborate stained-glass windows depict a yellow-clad, silken figure kneeling in supplication to a tall, slender man wearing prismatic robes and crowned with a golden pschent surrounded by a saintly aureole. Behind the church lies a modest graveyard, beyond that a vast greenish-yellow plain, and beyond that an empty shoreline. Although of modest size at first sight, the church appears to grow the closer Khloe gets. By the time she reaches the great wooden double-doors, it is immense. Cautiously, she enters. 7

KHLOE I think so. Do many people come here? He gives her a level stare, then opens the desk and takes out a small piece of cardstock with several names of people and organizations written on it. ARMITAGE These are the groups that have been OK’d for using the upstairs rec room. Don’t give them trouble, and they won’t give you trouble. Got it? KHLOE Alright… ARMITAGE Good. One more thing.

INT. CHURCH - NOON

Inside, rows of bookshelves cover a large interior space. At the far end, a grizzly old man, ARMITAGE, sits at a desk on what was once an altar. A large ankh adorns the wall just over his head. Khloe walks towards him. The stained glass windows cast a dim light along the shelves, which are covered with dust. Here and there pews have been repurposed as reading benches. She sneezes. The old man doesn’t look up.

He gestures to a small, weathered wooden door secured with a large iron padlock. ARMITAGE This is the restricted materials section. No one gets in. No one. Ever. Okay? KHLOE Okay. He makes his way toward the doors.

ARMITAGE You’re late. KHLOE I’m sorry. How late am I?

ARMITAGE I’ll be in once a week to check on things. You’ll see me then. When he reaches the doors, he turns around.

Armitage consults his beaten wristwatch. ARMITAGE Just keep to the cards, and everything will be fine.

ARMITAGE Fifteen seconds. He stands creakily. ARMITAGE Well, you’re here now. And beggars can’t be choosers. Let’s begin. I am Mr. Armitage. He gestures around the room.

The doors creak shut as he exits, casting the room in cryptic silence. Khloe takes it in for a moment, then removes a notebook from her knapsack and doodles mazes. 8

INT. CHURCH - AFTERNOON Khloe makes a paper football and flicks it down the center isle.

ARMITAGE As you can see, this is a *library*. People come in, they borrow books, they read books, they return books.

Khloe draws a grim reaper with a rictus grin pointing to a ticking clock.

He points to a set of filing cabinets behind the desk.

Khloe tries dusting the shelves but sneezes.

ARMITAGE Every book needs to be accounted for. That’s why you’re here. Each book has an index card.

Khloe gives the reaper a text bubble filled with the phrase “All Work and No Play Makes Khloe a Dull Girl” repeated over and over again.

He opens a filing cabinet and takes out a card.

ASHLEY Why, hello, Khloe.

ARMITAGE When someone borrows a book, or returns one, you make note of the date and time on its respective card in the filing cabinet as well as in the book itself. Understand? 48

Khloe gives a start. On the other side of the desk is ASHLEY CARTER, pretty, with a tomboyish bravado in her voice and mannerisms. Khloe looks at her guardedly.

ASHLEY Is that a banana, or are you just happy to see me?

ASHLEY You might want to get professional help for that.

Khloe’s eyes shift to the desk and the still-uneaten banana from that morning resting on it.

Khloe thrusts the books into Ashley’s hands.

KHLOE What are you doing here, Ashley? ASHLEY Can’t a girl read without people questioning her motives? What are *you* doing here? Was life as an unpaid intern not good enough for you? KHLOE Give me a break. Ashley regards her slyly.

ASHLEY Toodles. Ashley marches confidently out, the door booming shut behind her. KHLOE Alone at last. A shuffling behind one of the shelves makes her hairs stand on end. Cautiously, she peers around the shelf and sees NYE, tall, pale, and handsome. He is sitting on a pew, bent over a table, looking over flash cards with notes scribbled on them.

ASHLEY Or was it because of what’s-his-face? Brian, Brandon, something like that?

NYE She can be a real bitch, can’t she?

Khloe bristles. Her face reddens with anger and humiliation.

KHLOE Excuse me?

ASHLEY He wasn’t good enough for you, K.

NYE Life. Life can be a bitch.

KHLOE But he was for you?

KHLOE Yes.

Ashley drums her fingers together slowly, making a show of choosing her words.

NYE Your friend, though, she seems charming.

ASHLEY He was a user. I just used him first.

KHLOE She’s not my friend.

KHLOE Ugh. Why are you in my life!?

NYE Uh-huh.

ASHLEY You know, all war is based on deception. Sun Tzu said that.

He goes back to reviewing his notecards as if Khloe weren’t there, which irritates her.

She holds up a copy of The Art of War. KHLOE What does that have to do with me? ASHLEY And war is just politics by other means. That’s Clausewitz. Her other hand brings up a copy of On War. KHLOE You’re not making *any* sense.

KHLOE Can I help you with something? NYE Not really. I’m just preparing for my club. The Starry Wisdom Bunch. He looks at her innocently. KHLOE The Starry Wisdom Bunch. What is that, exactly?

ASHLEY Ugh, nevermind. I’m checking these out.

NYE We’re a book club. We read old books. Mythology, history, that sort of thing. Have fun, mostly. You should come up and see for yourself if you’re interested. We’re meeting tonight.

While Khloe fills out the book cards, Ashley looks down at her drawings.

KHLOE I’m going to check to see if you’re on the list.

She heads abruptly for the desk. Nye follows her. NYE Please do. The last thing we want is to step on any toes. But we really should be on there. Khloe consults the list of approved organizations. Sure enough, the Starry Wisdom Bunch is written in all CAPS. While she’s checking, a FIGURE hurries past the desk and up the spiral staircase to the rec room. KHLOE Hey, wait! NYE Oh, they’re with me. More FIGURES shuffle up the stairs as Khloe and Nye talk. NYE So, have you been working here long? KHLOE Since today. NYE Wow. What made you want to work in a library? KHLOE I didn’t. I got put here by one of those agencies that sends people to companies in need of low-skill labor. You know, the evil corporations that pay nothing but still manage to find suckers dumb enough to work. NYE Fascinating! What times we live in. You don’t even have to apply to a job anymore. KHLOE You can go now. NYE Wonderful! Have a lovely evening. He follows his posse up the stairs. Khloe watches him go, then smiles to herself. 9

INT. CHURCH - EVENING

Khloe is doodling Nye, in the guise of a crone, offering a poisoned apple to Ashley. Music begins playing in the rec room above. Loudly. It’s a low, sleepy viol melody. Khloe taps her pen on the desk, biting her lip, debating with herself. Finally, she heads up the spiral staircase. The rec room is a dim, candle-lit space barely large enough for the handful of figures within. Most of their forms are mere silhouettes, scattered amongst haphazardly arranged pews or lounging on the floor. Those she can make out pay her no mind, preoccupied lovers or else stone-faced goths contemplating their own mortality. A hookah rests on the floor, its several long hoses 50

snaking across the floor. In one corner, an antique phonograph plays the melody heard earlier. Farthest from the staircase, a projector screen and microphone stand have been set up. Nye stands beside it, still looking over his notecards and occasionally turning to greet guests who approach him. Khloe wavers, taken back by everything. The other guests pay her no mind, and she hangs in limbo, unsure of herself. Then she sees BELLA DERLETH smiling at her, dressed all in black, with a pair of big, deep eyes and thick lips decorated with black lipstick. Her feet are bare, exposing ten heavily webbed toes. BELLA Looking for a place to sit? Khloe cautiously joins Bella’s circle of people on the floor. BELLA My name’s Bella. Is this your first time here? KHLOE Yeah. Bella gestures to their surroundings. BELLA It’s spooky, isn’t it? Khloe chuckles despite herself. KHLOE Spooky? BELLA (speedily) I love it. The first time I came here, I was nervous because I wasn’t sure what I was getting into but then I get here and - boom - haunted church! And all those meeting-new-people jitters went away and got replaced with this scared excitement and, I dunno, it just made it better. Plus, I’m a sucker for anything creepy. How about you? Are you nervous? KHLOE A little. I work here. This is my first day. Didn’t know this sort of thing...went on. Bella, completely oblivious to Khloe’s obvious bewilderment, fires on peppily. BELLA Oh, right! I saw you at the desk when I came up. It’s great to meet you! I’m Bella. Welcome. KHLOE Khloe. She shakes Bella’s hand uncertainly. KHLOE Did you carpool or something? You all came in together.

BELLA Oh, it always happens like that. Just one of those things, I guess. KHLOE From what I can see, driving any kind of car here is pretty much impossible. I don’t know what our tax dollars are good for if they can’t fix those godforsaken streets. Looks like an earthquake came through. Bella cocks her head to one side, confused. BELLA What godforsaken streets? A young man, JAUNE, broods from his corner of the circle. He wears a black T-shirt and jeans and has long hair covering the left side of his face. He speaks with a French accent. JAUNE She didn’t come that way.

BELLA That is so weird! JAUNE And? SADEQ It sold VHS tapes. This was before they were obsolete. It's probably closed now. JAUNE So there you go. KHLOE Yeah, but-Nye clears his throat into the microphone stand. NYE Alright, we are set. Good evening, everyone. Thank you for coming. His eyes rest on Khloe and he smiles.

Khloe turns to him, puzzled and put off. KHLOE What?

NYE Announcements! He claps his hands together.

JAUNE None of us came here the same way. You came down some derelict streets. I crossed a bridge on a river.

NYE We have a new face tonight. Khloe, will you please stand up?

He gestures to SADEQ, a similarly-attired young man with hair covering the right side of his face.

Khloe stands nervously.

JAUNE Sadeq here found this place down by the old train station. Ask her.

NYE We’re so glad you’re joining us. Let’s welcome Khloe in the traditional Starry Wisdom way.

He points to Bella. Bella responds thoughtfully.

The attendees give three loud claps that resound throughout the church followed by a silence that settles like dust.

BELLA This is near my old house...or it was. Really weird. KHLOE How is that possible? Buildings don’t just move.

NYE Thank you, Khloe. You may be seated. Khloe sits. Nye pauses a moment to consult his notes.

Sadeq responds. His voice is soft, almost a whisper. SADEQ My dad told me once about this store from when he was a kid. It was old and forgettable, the kind of place you walk by a thousand times and never go in because you always have something better to do. But one day, he’s walking by, and the store isn’t there. Just empty space. He asks around, and it’s a challenge to even find someone who knows which store he’s talking about. Remember, this store was old and forgettable. And the few people he finds, they don’t know where it went either, and what’s more they can’t seem to decide how long it’s been gone. So he just forgets about it for years until one day it shows up while he’s on a business trip in New Jersey.

NYE I’ve been holding these get-togethers for a while now, and I must say that it’s been truly wonderful getting to know the people in this town. Nowhere else have I found folks with such spirit as the good people of Elder’s Peak. The audience applauds weakly. Someone gives a “woot!” NYE But, our journey together is near its end. With MayDay fast approaching, I thought I’d make tonight’s meeting a bit of a reflection, as well as an introduction for our newer members, on who we are and why we do what we do.

He presses a button to turn on the projector screen. NYE So without further ado… The projector flickers to life. The slide on the screen reads “THE OLD ONES and YOU!” in cursive script. Shadows play across its surface. NYE As many of you know, a long, long time ago, almost before time itself, beings of great power and magic presided over Earth. On the projector, the shadows converge to form a myriad of strange creatures like those depicted on the Shining Trapezohedron’s box.

An image of an imposing, tentacled mass of slime and iridescent globes is overlaid with that of a stick figure. NYE Ladies. Gentlemen. The stars are nearly aligned. With the herald, we can fulfill humanity’s destiny and reunite with the Old Ones. And we’ll all live happily ever after. The Old Ones and humans hold hands, dancing around a once-more natural and beautiful Earth. A quotation appears in cursive font: “That is not dead which can eternal lie. And with strange aeons even death may die.” The projector screen flickers off. The audience bursts into applause and cheers.

NYE These Old Ones, as they are called, lived in perfect harmony with nature, and the planet prospered under their benevolent rule. Each day, they would frolic and dance and live in such carefree bliss it would make you sick.

NYE And that’s our story. Does anyone have any questions? Khloe?

The creatures dance and play in a circle around the Earth in its Pangaea state - beautiful clouds, vibrant forests, and deep blue oceans.

KHLOE I’m...processing.

A force knocks the creatures away. The Earth shakes, and its continents take their modern form.

NYE Take all the time you need. Typically, after our homily, we proceed with communion. Feel free to partake. But no pressure either. Let it not be said that I coerced someone into doing something that made them uncomfortable.

NYE Disaster. The bridge between our worlds shattered.

He clears his throat and addresses the others in the room.

Stick figures appear, holding hands around the Earth.

NYE All rise!

NYE But one day, something terrible happened.

NYE Aeons passed, and humanity flourished. The stick figures move over the surface of the Earth. Its natural features give way to cities glowing with electric light, smoke-spewing factories, and an atmosphere filled with clusters of satellites. NYE The Old Ones looked on in awe, but alas, they could only communicate with these fascinating new primates through dreams. The Old Ones approach but are rebuffed by a force field around the planet. One with a tentacled, octopus-like head and dragon wings falls asleep. A thought bubble appears over his head: “What up?” A sleeping stick figure answers: “Gud u?” NYE Because of those dreams, we know that all is not lost. A few small passages between our worlds must remain. When the stars are right, the gods will send a herald, someone with the power to repair them.

Khloe bites her lip, wide-eyed, trying to figure out how she ended up in this weird situation.

Everyone stands. Nye walks to the phonograph and switches the track. Then, with a sense of ritual, he pulls out a small packet of herbs, places them inside the hookah, and lights them. When he does so, people begin passing the hoses around to each other. The sharp whine of the viol gets higher and more frenzied as the seconds pass. A hose makes its way to Bella and she inhales deeply. BELLA That’s some good entheogen! Bella hands the hose to Khloe. Khloe takes it hesitantly, then inhales. For an instant, nothing happens. The music continues to grow louder, faster, more frantic. Then, a chill wind passes through the room. Candles flicker and sputter out, revealing vast darkness, illimitable space. The room’s occupants float transfixed among the stars, entranced. Unseen creatures flutter around them, giving the impression of space bending and folding.

Khloe is paralyzed by fear, looking one way and then the other. Bella is at peace, eyes closed, enjoying the moment. Nye looks self-satisfied, wry. The others are merely absorbing, in oblivion.

things that we either don’t understand or won’t accept. It’s what makes us who we really are.

Otherworldly, guttural howls join the screaming viol. The creatures that were on the projector screen take three-dimensional form, becoming huge, terrible beings of shadow and cosmic dust.

NYE We like to think that everything we do comes from here.

He points again to the horizon.

He points again to the sea. Demonic shadows circle and crouch on the heads and shoulders of the humans before leaping off with mischievous frivolity. The music gets louder and louder, faster and faster. NYE On May Day of this year, our worlds will be united! The Old Ones will rise again! The viol reaches its final, terrible crescendo. The surroundings spin, becoming a blur.

KHLOE And what’s that? Nye shrugs.

Then, silence.

NYE I don’t know. That’s why I’m here.

CUT TO BLACK

Khloe picks up a pebble and tosses it into the waves.

EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT

The club members race out of the church, jumping and shouting, and run to the beach. Khloe follows in a daze. 11

NYE But most of it really comes from here. Every once in a while, though, a beastie of the deep will reach up, drag us down, and remind us of what we really are.

BEACH - NIGHT

Khloe stumbles to a spot near the water and sits, gazing up at the bulging white moon as the water laps her feet. After a while, Nye takes a seat beside her. NYE I just love beaches, don’t you? KHLOE Why, because you get to work on your tan?

KHLOE Wake up, bitches! Nye smiles. He picks up a pebble and tosses it in. NYE Wake up, beasties! They toss stones. One. Then another. Then another. Then...Khloe’s hand brushes against something hard and smooth. She pulls it up. It is the yellowish metal box holding the Shining Trapezohedron. Khloe ponders the strange carvings and the irregular geometry of the object. NYE What’s that?

He chuckles. NYE No. For the symbolism. KHLOE Symbolism. NYE Sure! Look. We’ve got a whole psychic profile here. He points to the horizon, the thin strip of space just above the sea. NYE That’s our conscious mind. It’s the things we know about ourselves. It’s who we *think* we are. He points to the water.

KHLOE It was in the sand. It must have washed up on the beach...or someone forgot it here. She feels along the box, finds the clasp, and opens it, revealing the Shining Trapezohedron. As she stares, mesmerized, otherworldly orbs of light appear and circle within the gem’s depths, responding to the mental focus she is giving it. The orbs gravitate together to form a burning, three-lobed eye. NYE Well, I’ll damn. You found my stone. Khloe breaks away from the hypnotic glow to stare at Nye. KHLOE It’s yours?

NYE That’s our subconscious. It’s everything else. All the 53

NYE Yeah. In a manner of speaking. I guess you could say it’s my birthstone. Khloe hands it toward him. KHLOE Do you want it? Nye puts up his hands. NYE Ah...no. It’s probably better if you hold onto it. Here. He removes a handkerchief from his pocket and uses it to take the box gingerly. He removes the stone and the wiring used to hold it in place. Working slowly and awkwardly because of the handkerchief, he bends the wiring around the stone, then, taking a leather cord from his pocket, fashions a necklace. It is surprisingly good handiwork. He hands it to Khloe. KHLOE Wow. That was resourceful.

NYE Goodnight. She walks away. Nye lowers his head and rubs his eyes, smiling. When he raises his face, his pupils contain the three-lobed eye. He faces the direction in which the lightning struck. NYE I’m gonna get you, Yoggy? You hear me? It’s going to happen this time. We’ve got the stone, we’ve got the herald, and soon we’ll have the book. You can’t ignore me forever. The grey Cat from outside of Khloe’s house appears beside him. CAT Meow. Nye narrows his eyes and protrudes his bottom lip at the cat, irritated that his ominous monologue has been cut short. 12

NYE Thank you.

INT. KHLOE’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Khloe puts on the necklace.

Khloe returns home. At a small table in the kitchen, her mother, June, is drinking a cup of tea. She looks exhausted, but pleased to see Khloe.

NYE There. It suits you well.

JUNE Hey sweetie, I didn’t hear you leave this morning.

KHLOE You think so?

KHLOE I was in a rush. Sorry.

NYE Yeah.

JUNE I probably wouldn’t have been able to talk anyway. I’ve been just swamped on the computer. How was your first day of work?

They stare into each others’ eyes for a moment. In the distance, a peal of thunder and flash of lightning brightens the sky. The tension is broken. A light rain begins to fall. KHLOE I guess I should get going. NYE Yeah. I guess so. KHLOE Thanks for the necklace. NYE Thanks for coming to club.

KHLOE It was...unexpected. Some bad. Some good. It was okay, I guess. How’s the book going? JUNE It’s going great. Donna thinks I should rewrite the first chapter to focus more on establishing the world. KHLOE So...she thinks you should rewrite all of it? JUNE Maybe just a few revisions. A couple more weeks. Khloe gives her a bland, nonplussed look.

KHLOE Yeah, for sure. It wasn’t creepy at all.

JUNE I know it’ll be great when it’s done. I know it.

Nye gives a thumbs up. Khloe smiles. KHLOE Okay...well, see you.

KHLOE What are we going to do for money? JUNE God provides, dear.

She kisses Khloe on the forehead. JUNE I’m tired. I’m going to bed. Goodnight, sweet angel. June leaves. Khloe stares straight ahead, frustrated. KHLOE Goodnight, mother. 13

INT. KHLOE’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Khloe stirs in her sleep, then a tapping at the window wakes her. She looks outside but, seeing nothing, returns to her bed. Suddenly, the window and surrounding wall burst open. Gelatinous black tentacles, primordial slime, and great globes of iridescent light stream inward. Khloe, frightened, crawls to a corner. The entity, YOG-SOTHOTH, envelops the room, and begins to wrap itself around Khloe’s head and throat.

BAXTER Don’t do it? Ashley sighs. ASHLEY Yes. She turns to Khloe. ASHLEY Why, hello, Khloe. I didn’t realize you were working today. Khloe’s eyes narrow. KHLOE I work every day, Ashley. ASHLEY You do, do you? Baxter. You remember Khloe, don’t you?

Khloe awakes in a sweat. Her clock reads 2:05 A.M. She goes to the window again. No monster. It was a dream.

He doesn’t. Not really.

In the night sky outside her window, Algol, the Demon Star, twinkles evilly.

BAXTER Khloe? Yeah...yeah! You worked at the lab!?

EXT. CHURCH - DAWN

Khloe unlocks a large chain holding the church’s doors closed. The sun creeps up over the horizon behind her. Inside, she sits at the desk with her head down, napping. BAXTER, a well-built, preppy-looking young man in white slacks and a pale pink sweater vest, walks in. He’s walks uncertainly up to Khloe. BAXTER Excuse me, Miss. Khloe raises her head slowly, then her eyes widen with recognition.

KHLOE Yes. BAXTER Wow, that’s...wow. It’s been a while, huh? ASHLEY (condescendingly) It’s been a while, Baxter, yes. Very good. She hands books to Khloe. ASHLEY I’m returning these. Khloe is silently steaming at Ashley.

BAXTER Hi, have you seen a young blonde woman? I’m supposed to meet her here. The church doors fly open, revealing Ashley standing in the light. ASHLEY Baxter!

BAXTER You know, you were one of the *coolest* people at work. It’s a shame you left. Ashley rolls her eyes. Khloe just stares at him. Khloe knows he’s full of shit, and it hurts.

She storms down the aisle to him.

BAXTER We’re doing pretty cool work over there. Bringing shit back from the dead.

ASHLEY What are you doing here? I told you to wait outside!

ASHLEY Ugh, don’t talk about work.

BAXTER Right, Ashley. Sorry. I just thought…

She turns to Khloe.

ASHLEY And what did I say about thinking for yourself?

ASHLEY We’re out. Khloe, your aloof, lonely presence is like salt on the wound that is life. No salt, no flavor. Get it? Never forget the past, Khloe. Never. Forget. 55

She turns around and practically walks into Bella and Nye.

like a couple of trust fund babies. KHLOE What are you two doing here?

BELLA Oh, excuse me! The two pairs face each other, looking each other over, assessing. Ashley is suspicious, Baxter is dismissive, Nye wears a wry expression, and Bella frowns. NYE Good morning, Khloe. He sidesteps Baxter to the desk. Bella follows suit around Ashley. Now the positions are reversed.

BELLA We’re here to read of course. This is a library. NYE And we wanted to check up on you. You seemed a bit unsettled during the meeting, and we want to make sure you’re comfortable so that you’ll come back. KHLOE Well, it’s just...you don’t...you don’t actually believe you can do those things you talked about, do you?

ASHLEY And who are you?

NYE Of course we can.

BELLA We’re Khloe’s friends!

KHLOE But why would you want to? What’s the point?

Ashley’s eyes widen. ASHLEY Khloe! You have friends? NYE Khloe! You have enemies?

NYE Well, like I said, we want to return things to the way they used to be. I want to bring the Old Ones back into the world so that they can have the opportunity to make Earth a better place, a paradise like it once was. BELLA But that’s not the only reason.

Khloe opens her mouth slightly, then realizes she doesn’t know how to respond.

KHLOE What other reason could there be?

BAXTER We used to work together. At the lab.

CUT TO: Nye’s eyes flicker with the three-lobe burn for an instant, then return to normal. NYE Human science. So impressive...considering the hardware you have to work with. He taps his head. NYE Maybe one day you’ll become advanced enough to meet the fungus people of Yuggoth. I’m sure they’d love to pick your brain.

INT. CHURCH - NIGHT

SUSAN is standing with a red solo cup in hand during a club meeting. Other members chat in the background. SUSAN What is best in life? Good food, good sleep, and good sex. Yet we’re all so concerned with the future and work and a million other stupid things that we forget the little pleasures. The solution is simple: disrupt society and we’ll all be happier. CUT TO:

Ashley starts at his mention of Yuggoth. 16 ASHLEY Baxter, we’re going. She leaves abruptly. Baxter follows warily. BELLA Khloe, you have some...interesting...friends. KHLOE Not my friends. NYE Clearly not. Did you see the way they dress? Looked 56

PARKING LOT - DAY

Sadeq stands on a soapbox, shaking his fist in the air. SADEQ The ensuing chaos will expose the flaws of the global capitalist regime. Mankind will finally carry out its proletariat revolution and form a Utopian socialist state. 17

INT. NIGHT CLUB - NIGHT

MEGAN dances in a crowded nightclub. The music is very loud.

MEGAN (shouting) I want to live like there’s no tomorrow.

BELLA We’ve all got different reasons for being here, but what matters at the end of the day is that we’re here and we have each other.

CUT TO: 18

BEACH - DAY

Khloe stares at the stained glass window, the figure wearing a pschent.

Joe sits on the shore, the sun behind him, staring into the distance.

KHLOE Who is that?

JOE A lot of people say they want to be an astronaut when they grow up, but 99.9% of them give up and settle for something less. I don’t want to give up. I want to follow my dreams. When I was six years old, I dreamed of being a post-apocalyptic cultist, and that’s what I’m going to be.

BELLA That’s Nyarlathotep.

BELLA (O.S.) You go, Joe! CUT TO: 19

Nye leans in ominously. NYE Yes. *Ny*arlathotep. Neither women notice his emphasis. He leans back to a resting position and twiddles his thumbs.

PARKING LOT - DAY Jaune stands on an opposing soapbox.

JAUNE The ensuing chaos will free mankind from government control. Every individual will pursue their own selfinterest and form a Utopian state governed by the Invisible Hand. Sadeq shouts from across the empty parking lot. SADEQ What the hell are you talking about? JAUNE What the hell are *you* talking about? CUT TO: 20

KHLOE (pronouncing it differently) Nyarlathotep?

BELLA He’s the messenger and emissary of the Old Ones, charged with watching over the human world. Except he has nothing but contempt for anyone and would rather just see everything destroyed. He’s the one person caught in the space between spaces, able to travel between both our worlds but never truly belonging in either. NYE That is, he can be pulled here by the Shining Trapezohedron. He can’t just come and go whenever he wants to. He eyes the stone around Khloe’s neck. KHLOE Sounds like a hard life. Nye’s look softens.

GRAVEYARD - NIGHT

REBECCA stands, dressed head to toe in a black robe and hood, an ankh around her neck, holding a candle. Behind her, a group of similarly-clad individuals holding candles chant in tongues. REBECCA This is how I procrastinate from doing homework.

NYE It does, doesn’t it? He smiles to himself. KHLOE So why are you here, Bella? Bella frowns.

CUT TO: 21

INT. CHURCH - AFTERNOON

BELLA Want to have dinner with my family?

Khloe, Bella, and Nye lounge on pews. Khloe lies on her back, staring up at the ceiling.

KHLOE Uh...okay.

KHLOE Well, that was informative.

BELLA Cool. Let’s go. Want to come, Nye?

NYE No, thanks.

suggests her feet are too big for her body. BELLA Come on.

He eyes the evening sunlight streaming through the window. NYE I burn easily. Bella laughs. BELLA If you aren’t in the mood, you can just say that. You don’t have to make excuses. NYE Right. Thanks.

The pair enter the house and walk down a narrow hallway. Pictures of Bella’s extended family hang on the walls, all with severe expressions and in gothic attire like Bella’s mother, and many with protruding eyes, sunken faces, and gilly necks pronounced to various degrees. The lights are dim and flickering, casting the whole house in a pallor. Bella leads Khloe around one corner into a small, linoleum-floored kitchen. Bella takes out ingredients to make calamari from cabinets. BELLA I’m sorry about the house.

Khloe packs up her belongings and heads with Bella to the door.

KHLOE No, it’s fine!

KHLOE Come on, Nye. I need to lock up.

Bella starts chopping the squid. Nye reluctantly walks outside, sticking to the shadow made by the door frame. Khloe padlocks the double doors, and she and Bella walk away.

KHLOE It’s lived in.

BELLA Bye, Nye!

Bella laughs. BELLA That’s one way to put it.

NYE Yes! Travel safe! After they are gone, he sticks his hand into sunlight. It bursts into flame. He sighs and steps awkwardly back into the shadows. 22

EXT. BELLA’S HOUSE - EVENING

Bella’s house is an ugly, run-down, shack of a structure with boarded windows and a chain-link fence encircling a trash-strewn yard. Khloe and Bella step up to the gate. Khloe is taken aback but does her best to hide it. Bella takes a deep breath and puts on her bravest smile.

Khloe notices Bella’s brother CLANCY standing in the doorway, staring at them, expressionless but intimidating. He looks much like his mother. BELLA Dinner isn’t finished yet, Clancy. I’ll bring it out when it’s done. Go on. Clancy stares at them for a few more seconds, then shuffles away. BELLA He doesn’t see many people.

BELLA Welcome to my home.

KHLOE Is he alright?

She opens the gate, and they proceed to the front door. Bella knocks, and her MOTHER opens the door. She has small ears, large protruding eyes, and gilllike flabs of skin on her neck, around which hangs an ornate necklace of a shiny, multi-colored gold-like material. She is dressed austerely in American Gothicstyle attire and stares at Khloe and Bella without expression.

Bella shrugs.

BELLA Hi, Mom. I’m back. This is my friend, Khloe. I thought she could join us for dinner. Her mother’s eyes pass over Khloe. Then, she turns around and shuffles into the house in a way that 58

BELLA He’s my brother. CUT TO: 23

INT. BELLA’S DINING ROOM - NIGHT

Bella’s mother, FATHER, Clancy, and her two SISTERS sit at a long dinner table in a dingy room barely big enough to contain them. Khloe helps Bella put calamari and chips on the table, then both sit. BELLA

How was your day, father? Her father stares at her for a moment, then makes a noise like a frog dying.

BELLA Khloe, this is why we need to get the Old Ones back. My family doesn’t belong here! Maybe if the Old Ones come, they can create a world where we’ll finally fit in.

BELLA’S FATHER Blaaaaah.

KHLOE Maybe.

BELLA That’s too bad. I’m sure you’ll have a better time tomorrow. This is my friend, Khloe. She works at the library.

Khloe turns introspective.

KHLOE Hello. It’s nice to meet you. Bella’s family erupt in a short chorus of threatening croaks. Bella tries to calm them, taking on a voice like you would use to soothe a wild animal, though she is obviously tense. BELLA It’s alright. She’s alright. Don’t worry.

KHLOE I never knew my father. I never tried to know him. I always told myself I was strong enough to make it on my own. But I guess we need family, don’t we? Life wasn’t supposed to be this way. I went to college! I should be able to make it on my own! Not stuck in a dead-end job living with my mother. BELLA You know what I like best about the Starry Wisdom club? Nye finds people who usually fade into the shadows and brings them together. We get to feel normal.

She puts her hand on Khloe’s.

KHLOE Maybe the apocalypse would be an improvement.

BELLA Maybe it’s better if you just let me do the talking. 25

INT. ASHLEY’S LAIR - DAY

Everyone eats in silence for a few moments. BELLA Clancy, how did your exam go today? CLANCY Blaaaaagh!! Clancy leaps from his chair and throws his dish across the table at Bella. It glances off of her shoulder, staining her dress with tartar sauce. Her sisters upturn the table, knocking everything to the floor. Khloe and Bella barely manage to stand in time without being crushed under it. The room is filled with angry croaking. BELLA Khloe! Get outside! Go!

Nye’s picture forms the nexus of a large web of papers and photos plastered to the walls of a small white room. Many are connected by a web of red string. Encircling Nye’s photo are photos and articles about the Great Sphinx, Pluto, a “Witch House” burning down, disappearances, extraterrestrials, cults, and other urban legends. A blurry photo depicts large humanoid crustcean-like beings. Some clippings go back at least to the 1700s. Beside those articles are pictures and typed-up biographies of the Starry Wisdom Bunch members. Next to Bella’s biography is an article about a raid on the town of Innsmouth and the residents who fled from it. Many other articles concern Khloe and her mother - academic records, birth certificate, childhood friends, etc. Khloe’s photo is especially big.

CUT TO: 24

STREET - NIGHT

Ashley stares at Khloe’s photo while stroking the grey Cat. Light streams in through windows on one wall.

Khloe and Bella sit on the curb a few blocks from her house. Bella has her head in her hands. Khloe stares silently at the pavement, unsure what to say and afraid to say the wrong thing.

She stands abruptly, causing the Cat to run off.

KHLOE Are you okay?

CAT Meow!

BELLA I just want everyone to be happy! Why can’t they be happy?

ASHLEY Well, we’ll see about that. You can’t escape me. Not even by ending the world.

KHLOE I don’t know, Bella. Some people just aren’t happy.

She picks up the Cat and holds it up to the pictures.

ASHLEY So, Khloe. You’ve made friends, have you?

ASHLEY (in baby voice) Oh, no, you can’t! You can’t do it! 26

INT. KHLOE’S HOUSE - NIGHT

Khloe enters through the front door. The lights are out except for one dim bulb in the kitchen. June sits at a small table there with a bottle of wine. Judging by the amount left, she has already had a few glasses. Khloe enters the kitchen.

JUNE You seem different lately. Less depressed. Have you made friends? KHLOE I don’t know what I am. Maybe I’m more depressed, and I’m just responding to it differently. But yes, I’ve made friends. JUNE That’s good. When I was your age, I had a good group of friends. They were weird, but nice.

JUNE Khloe? I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you come in. How was your day, dear? KHLOE Mom? Why are you up so late? JUNE I’m ready to quit everything. I feel like I’m wasting my time.

KHLOE Yeah? JUNE We used to have these wild parties. They sacrificed an actual cow once. That’s where I met your father, actually. The May-Day festival. Khloe stands up.

Khloe rolls her eyes. JUNE Do you want some wine? KHLOE I’ll put on some coffee.

KHLOE You met my father at a May-Day festival!? JUNE Yes, he was so charming. And handsome. And pale. Also tall. Khloe’s eyes widen.

She puts on coffee. KHLOE I need to go.

KHLOE Why don’t you just quit? Find something different.

She heads upstairs. JUNE I don’t know what I want to do. KHLOE Then finish the book. Doing something is better than doing nothing. Anything is better than doing nothing.

JUNE What about the coffee!? 27

INT. KHLOE’S ROOM - NIGHT Khloe sits on her bed, deep inside her own head.

JUNE I just can’t seem to get it perfect. KHLOE Maybe you should stop asking other people what they think and just write it the way you would write it. JUNE I’m surrounded by stupid people. KHLOE Yes. JUNE God will provide.

NYE (O.S.) When the stars are right, the gods may send a herald. An image of the herald from Nye’s presentation flashes through her mind. JUNE (O.S.) That’s where I met your father, actually. The May-Day festival. He was so charming. Khloe visualizes a young, flower-child June smiling at Nye near a Stonehenge-like monument surrounded by revelling hippie-like cultists. CUT TO:

KHLOE Maybe God helps those who help themselves.

Nye stands away from other revellers, alone, speaking directly to Khloe. He smiles alluringly.

June nods slowly. NYE I just want you to be all you can be. 60

Khloe breaks away from her vision, breathing heavily. She looks at her phone. No new messages. She checks her messages from Baxter. Their last conversation took place eight months ago:

NYE (to himself) Well, not so literally. It’s not like I can show you a diagram…

TEXT: Baxter: Last night was great. You’re seriously one of the *coolest* people I’ve ever met.

KHLOE No, no, no! My father is an actuary. He lives somewhere in Florida.

TEXT: Khloe: I had a great time too. :) Do you want to meet up again?

NYE No, your father is a mass of slime and globes of light.

Khloe deletes her message history and puts her phone down. 28

BELLA We thought you knew!

INT. CHURCH - NIGHT Khloe is getting hysterical.

Khloe storms into the library rec room. Nye and Bella are discussing something next to the hookah. They are the room’s only occupants. When Nye sees Khloe, he claps his hands together excitedly.

KHLOE What do you want from me? BELLA We want to be your friend!

NYE Khloe! You’ve come!

Nye puts his arms on Khloe’s shoulders. KHLOE Nye! Did you know my mother was into this stuff? She gestures to take in the room. Nye responds calmly.

NYE Yes. And we want you to open the Gate to the parallel universe and change life as we know it forever.

NYE Yes.

Khloe backs away slowly, breathing heavily. KHLOE I need to think.

KHLOE What is this!? What are you!? NYE This is a club dedicated to bringing the Old Ones into the world. And I am Nye.

NYE Well, please do try to hurry it up. I’ve been waiting a long time for this. ‘Strange aeons’ is long enough. BELLA Please, Khloe. I want things to be better.

KHLOE What do you know about my father?

Khloe takes a deep breath. Nye raises his eyebrows in surprise. KHLOE What do I need to do?

NYE Khloe, your father is Yog-Sothoth.

CUT TO: KHLOE What!? NYE You are a child of Yog-Sothoth the Gatekeeper. You’re a demi-god. KHLOE What?!?! NYE Well, your mom and Yog-Sothoth... Nye inserts the index finger of his right hand into a circle made by his left index finger and thumb.

INT. CHURCH - NIGHT

Khloe, Nye, Bella, and the rest of the Starry Wisdom Bunch are crowded around the door to the ‘restricted’ section. The other club members are watching Khloe excitedly. NYE Just open the door, Daughter of the Gate. Khloe fits an old key into the lock and opens the door. It leads into a surprisingly long corridor. The walls are covered with bookshelves filled with old, dusty volumes, huge tomes, sheafs of paper covered in spastic handwriting, and disintegrating scrolls. At the very back of the hallway, a glass display case holds a single, small leather-bound book. Nye stares at it avariciously. 61

NYE The Necronomicon.

KHLOE It...wouldn’t open?

KHLOE What is it?

ARMITAGE No good can come of that book. Is this what your club studies, Nye? Your young’uns don’t know what they're dealing with. I have half a mind to call the police. At the very least, this calls for a 2-week suspension of your library privileges, followed by probation…

NYE The ramblings of a madman. Just like every other holy book. KHLOE It’s a bible? NYE In a sense. The Old Ones tried to share their secrets with Abdul Alhazred, but they were too much for his sanity to handle.

As Armitage drones on, Nye rolls his eyes, picks up a shard of glass, and hurls it at lightning speed through Armitage’s eye into his brain. Armitage twitches for a few moments in shock, then falls back, dead. The club members stare at his body in shock for an instant.

Sadeq mutters to Jaune. SADEQ Pfft. Abdul Alhazred? Is that supposed to be Arabic? It’s gibberish. His name’s Abdallah Zahr-ad-Din. It means Servant-of-God Flower-of-the-Faith. Come on.

SUSAN Scatter! They scatter out the door and into the night, leaving Khloe and Nye alone. Khloe is horror-struck. KHLOE You...you killed him.

Nye rolls his eyes. NYE Thank you, Mr. Scholar. SADEQ This is a book club, and it’s my heritage. What do you expect, asshole? NYE *Anyway*, the result was pretty much just a disjointed mess of vague cosmographies, predictions, and spells. He did manage to record the proper ritual for opening the Gate, though. So now, we just need to take the book and have you read that passage. Go ahead. Open it. Khloe pulls delicately on the case’s handle. It won’t budge. She pulls harder. Still nothing. She pulls a bit harder, and the case shatters into a million shards of glass.

Nye shakes his head sadly. NYE I know. I was really going for a pacifist run this time. It’s just that we’re so close to the end. I got itchy fingers. I usually prefer the indirect approach. If you think about it though, the glass killed him. And, in a manner of speaking, you killed the glass, so really… KHLOE Oh, God! NYE Right. Not appropriate. Sorry. But we are about to bring forth the end of the world. Death is pretty much par for the course. Khloe bolts off. NYE Khloe, come back! We need you!

KHLOE Jesus!

She’s gone. NYE Nope, not Him. You got it. Khloe takes the book in her hands. It seems to pulse, alive to her touch. Unbeknownst to the group, Armitage enters the library and inspects the open restricted section door. ARMITAGE Well, *you’re* fired.

NYE Oh, shit. 30

EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT

Khloe runs through the night. She reaches the narrow, crumbling streets and hides in an alley between two sunken houses. Then, SOMEONE puts a black bag over her head. CUT TO:

Khloe turns around slowly. She looks at the shattered case and holds the book tightly to her breast.

INT. DOLL ROOM - NIGHT

The bag is removed from Khloe’s head. She is lying 62

on the floor. Her vision is foggy at first, but clears up quickly. Blurry shapes resolve into an assortment of glassy-eyed dolls dressed according to classic and gothic lolita style conventions. Twenty or more of these little girls line the shelves of a tiny closet. Beside each are small glass jars of various shapes. At the opposite end of the room sits Ashley with tears down her face.

Bella approaches. BELLA Nye? What are you doing? NYE Reciting poetry.

ASHLEY Why did you do it, Khloe? Why did you have to become friends with those people? KHLOE Ashley? What are you doing!? Let me go!?

BELLA What about the ritual? NYE Khloe’s gone. You all ran off. Without the herald, we can’t do anything. Looks like I’ve been foiled again.

ASHLEY I can’t. Not now that I know the truth.

He lights a cigarette. BELLA You killed a guy.

KHLOE What are you talking about?

NYE I suppose I did. So does that mean you quit?

ASHLEY You want to remake the world into a place where you and all your freak-friends will fit in. A world with no place for me. *We* were supposed to be friends. KHLOE Friends? All you ever do is torment me!

Bella thinks on it. BELLA No. I’ve come too far to quit. We all have. But I don’t think things can continue like they have been. I’ll be leaving the club for a while after all this is done.

ASHLEY Will you forget about Baxter!? He’s just a guy! You were important to me, and you left! I wanted you to care. But I’ll take being hated over being ignored.

Nye nods, absorbing this information. NYE So be it.

KHLOE Let me go, Ashley. You don’t know what you’re getting into. ASHLEY Not a chance! Your friends are going down. And then we’ll be best nemeses again.

He stands slowly. NYE Well, I guess we better get this show on the road. Rally the troops and prepare the sacrifice. 33

KHLOE If you try to stop Nye, he’ll kill you! Ashley shrugs. ASHLEY We’ll see. I don’t really fear death. She exits out a door behind her and closes it shut. KHLOE Ashley! Ashley!! 32

EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT Nye sits on a tombstone, staring into space.

NYE The wanton boy that kills the fly shall feel the spider’s enmity. He who torments the chafer’s sprite weaves a bower in endless night. The caterpillar on the leaf repeats to thee thy mother’s grief. Kill not the moth nor butterfly, for the Last Judgment draweth...Nye.

INT. DOLL ROOM - NIGHT

Khloe lays on the dirty floor in misery. A tear falls from her face. One of the glass jars emits a low, vibrating hum. Khloe rises to inspect it. Another hums behind her, joined soon after by several more at varying pitches. As Khloe listens in astonishment, the hums resolve themselves into voices. DOLL #1 Girl, why are you crying? Khloe swings around to the source of the voice, a doll dressed in black gothic lolita, staring blankly ahead with a tiny plastic smile. Khloe backs away slowly. KHLOE Who said that? DOLL #2 She must be weak. Why else would she cry? KHLOE I’m not weak! 63

DOLL #3 (menacingly) She doesn’t belong here. Khloe locates the source of a third voice, doll in a black aristocratic gothic lolita. DOLL #3 Flesh-girl.

KHLOE I am the Daughter of the Gate! No door is my master! The room is filled with dolls’ laughter. Spirits of little girls, spartanly dressed and with pupil-less eyes, rise from the dolls and begin to circle Khloe faster and faster. As the spirits spin, a black aristocratic gothic lolita dress forms around Khloe. KHLOE Stop touching me!

Khloe gasps and scurries back into an opposite shelf with more dolls. DOLLS Ew!...Flesh-girl...Get her off!...Kill her!...Weak!...Weak! Dolls fall on her and continue to berate. Khloe, horrified, tries in vain to shake them off. In the midst of this, a high, sweet, stuffed-animal voice rises above the rabble. It comes from a doll on the top shelf dressed in sweet lolita with thick grandmother-esque glasses. DOLL LEADER Hush, everyone! Khloe isn’t weak. She’s had the power to succeed inside her all along. She’s just incredibly passive.

Their work finished, the dolls dissipate. Khloe takes in their work and shrugs, opens the disintegrating door and steps into Ashley’s lair, then climbs up a flight of stairs. 34

STREET - NIGHT

Khloe exits an old, dilapidated schoolhouse and races down the familiar cracked and narrow streets towards the church. 35

EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT

Khloe gets indignant.

Nye and the rest of the Starry Wisdom Bunch, minus Khloe, are gathered in a clearing in the graveyard. A large stone altar rises from the middle of the clearing.

KHLOE What!?

NYE Do we have the sacrifice?

DOLL LEADER Khloe goes along with whatever other people want her to do, whatever seems easiest at the time, and runs away when things get hard. She could be great, but she sticks to the shadows and accepts mediocrity, just like her mother. That’s better, isn’t it?

BELLA Right here! She hands him a stuffed animal cow. Nye takes it sulkily. NYE Damned vegans.

KHLOE Fuck you!

He sighs and places the toy on the altar. Khloe shakes the dolls off. DOLL LEADER Don’t worry, child. Everything will be fine. You just need to reach deep down within yourself, summon all the hate you possess for the world and the people in it, and direct it at the obstacles in your way. Close your eyes, concentrate, and… Khloe hurls one of the glass jars at the Leader. It shatters beside the doll’s head.

NYE Alright, everyone, places! The Starry Wisdom Bunch arranges themselves into lines, one behind the other. Nye stands in front of them, takes out a conductor’s baton, and counts them in. They sing “God Save the People” from Godspell. 36

Khloe continues to sprint toward the church past sagging buildings and around sinkholes.

DOLL LEADER Yes, good. Keep it up! Continue to feed on… 37 KHLOE Shut up, shut up, shut up! Khloe continues hurling glass jars across the room. When she runs out of things to throw, she grabs the Head Doll off of the shelf. She batters the doorknob with the doll’s body until the rotting wood gives way. Khloe raises her arms above her head. 64

STREET - NIGHT

EXT. CHURCH - NIGHT The Starry Wisdom Bunch finish their song. NYE Wow. Now I’m pumped up. He turns at the sound of approaching footsteps.

NYE So you came back, huh? Ashley has arrived. NYE Well, the Starry Wisdom Bunch is always accepting new members. Come and join the fun!

Bella embraces Khloe. BELLA Khloe, you came back! Now we can complete the ritual! KHLOE Bella, I can’t do that. Nye’s eyes flicker.

Ashley sticks a finger out at Nye. ASHLEY Your reign of terror ends here! I, Ashley Carter, will stop you! You will not end the world this day! NYE Oh, boy. Is there any broken glass around here? Ashley runs up and socks him in the face! NYE Ow! Was that really necessary? Ashley goes in for a second blow, but Nye dodges it with supernatural quickness. She follows up with a succession of blows, but each is deftly blocked - Nye’s limbs contort at odd angles to catch them. He delivers a counterstroke, pinning her head to the stone altar with great force. Nye looks to the stuffed cow on the altar, then brushes it away.

NYE What!? KHLOE I’m sorry. I know you want to help your family and make a place where we all belong, and I’m tired of life being shitty too, but is this really the answer? Ending the world? Have we really considered all of the other options? Nye puts his free hand over his face. NYE Khloe, you’re really stressing me out right now. He stares at his hand. NYE Look at me. Am I shaking? Am I getting a panic attack? He takes a deep breath.

NYE Hey, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. He picks up a knife from the altar and prepares to strike.

NYE Look. I’ve been waiting for this moment a long time. After tonight, I can finally be free, and the Old Ones will finally pay. So can you please just do the damn ritual?

NYE Human sacrifices are so much better than animal ones anyway.

BELLA Pay? What do you mean? The Old Ones love us. They want to come back.

BELLA Nye, no! Nye freezes.

NYE I never said that. I said that we could live in harmony. And harmony is a subjective ideal, so technically that wasn’t a lie.

BELLA No more murder!

Ashley mumbles something from between Nye’s fingers.

Nye hesitates for a moment, then throws the knife down.

NYE What?

NYE *Fine!* We’ll keep it kosher. I hope you appreciate that I’m doing this for you.

He takes his hand off of her face. She speaks, softly, dazedly.

Khloe reaches the cemetery.

ASHLEY He’s Nyarlathotep.

KHLOE Nye! Don’t hurt Ashley!

BELLA *You’re* Nyarlathotep!?

NYE (whiningly) I’m not!

SADEQ Nyarlathotep? Is--is that supposed to be Egyptian!?

NYE Don’t start with me, Sadeq! He turns his attention back to Bella. NYE Yes, I’m Nyarlathotep. Wasn’t that implied? Didn’t you pick up on that? What did you think Nye was short for?

Nye rolls out of the way just in time to dodge a bolt of lightning that strikes the exact spot where he was standing, leaving a small crater and patch of charred earth. NYE No, no, no!

BELLA Niles?

Nye metamorphoses into his Haunter of the Dark form and takes flight, speeding high into the sky and out of sight.

NYE No.

KHLOE What the hell was that?

BELLA You’re evil!

Ashley rises slowly from the altar. ASHLEY Did we win?

NYE I just want the Old Ones to put down their figurative martinis, get off their figurative asses, and experience the figurative but very real shit that I’ve been dealing with for the past several millennia. People, I can’t go out in the sun without bursting into flames. And yet I’m here, a working stiff, keeping an eye on human suffering while they’re out dancing without care or responsibility. Maybe I’m evil, but at least I know you. At least I’m here. They shouldn’t be allowed to shut themselves away so they don’t have to care. KHLOE Nye, this is wrong. NYE Is that the opinion of the group?

Khloe laughs weakly. KHLOE Yeah, I think we did. A second bolt of lightning strikes Sadeq, leaving behind a charred corpse. The Starry Wisdom Bunch members scream and scatter in all directions. Khloe waves her arms at the sky. KHLOE No! Stop! Not them! One by one, the club members are struck by lightning bolts. Ashley tackles Bella and Khloe to the ground. After a few seconds, silence falls. The trio slowly raise their heads. Everyone is dead.

Silence. NYE Alright, here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m going to sacrifice your friend here, you’re going to read the sacred text, and then I’m going to move on with my life. That sound good? Okay, good. ASHLEY Yog-Sothoth, save me. Nye winces. NYE Shhh! Don’t say that name!

A deafening boom and brilliant light erupt from the sky. Something large and on fire plummets towards the Earth and strikes the stone altar, scattering rubble everywhere. Khloe cautiously approaches the crash site, followed slowly by Ashley and Bella. Nye, back to human form, lies in a crater. Parts of him are on fire, and his legs are charred stumps. KHLOE Nye! She pats the fire out. Nye chuckles weakly. His eyes are still aglow.

Khloe’s eyes widen as realization dawns on her. KHLOE Nye, I am a Daughter of Yog-Sothoth, and I command you to not sacrifice my friend! Nye stares at Khloe, taken aback by her diction. Then, he shakes his head. NYE No, you don’t understand! You can’t say that name here, or he’ll--

NYE I lost this time, too. He touches her face with his hand. NYE You really were too good for me. And I was too evil for you. KHLOE You don’t need this. You don’t need them.

BELLA Nye, come back to us. You don’t have to be alone.

ASHLEY Come help me!

NYE It’s who I am. It’s stupid, isn’t it? I just wanted them to understand. Make the world a better place, will you? This is your club.

Bella and Ashley each grab one of Khloe’s shoulders and half-drag her away. Behind them, the Old Ones expand their tentacled reach to encompass the whole sky.

Nye blinks. His head rolls back. The glow fades from his eyes. BELLA No!

June stands at the stove, cooking a trio of deliciouslooking sunny-side-up eggs and bacon. She begins placing the items on plates and carries them to the table.

KHLOE God damnit! Mother fucker!

JUNE Khloe! I’m putting out breakfast!

She picks up the stuffed cow and hurls it at the sky. It falls to the Earth impotently. Khloe makes a sudden decision. KHLOE Give me the Necronomicon. Bella hands the book to her. Khloe searches on the ground, locates the knife, and strides to the stuffed animal. She stabs it.

INT. KHLOE’S HOUSE - MORNING

KHLOE Coming! Khloe walks down the stairs. In one corner of the table is a squirming mass of gelatinous appendages and iridescent globes - Yog Sothoth. Khloe kisses her mother. KHLOE Morning, Mom!

ASHLEY What are you doing?

Khloe kisses her father.

KHLOE Ruining their day.

KHLOE Morning, Dad!

Bella gasps. Khloe flips through the pages of the Necronomicon and locates the spell. She speaks the words, though no sound escapes her lips that human ears can hear. The wind rustles with a strange siren song. The world turns shades of purple, faces taking on a cyanosis-like hue. Clouds swirl and take the form of the Old Ones. Beside Yog-Sothoth, SHUB-NIGGURATH, a mass of black tentacles, fanged mouths, and writhing goat legs manifests, as well as HASTUR, a giant yellow robe with a void instead of a face. Many more demonic entities and monstrous appendages of indeterminate origin swirl around them.

JUNE Guess what? I started Chapter Two! KHLOE Wow, that’s great. Khloe devours her breakfast. KHLOE Okay, I’m off. JUNE Have a good day, dear.

BELLA Oh, my God, it’s happening. Khloe’s eyes are a flaming orange. Waves of orange lightning emanate from her. Orbs of orange light circle her body. The winds gather speed and become a hellish squall. The Old Ones transcend from cloud-form to heaps of slimy flesh and gelatinous appendage. Khloe collapses, normal-looking once again. Her eyes are barely open, gazing up at the demonic forms. Ashley attempts to lift her. ASHLEY Khloe, wake up! We have to get out of here. Come on! Ashley turns to Bella.

Yog-Sothoth emits a soft rumbling. KHLOE Bye! 39

STREET - EARLY MORNING

The sky is pale purple and cloudy. In the distance loom gargantuan eldritch abominations. Great billows of smoke and shattered remains of buildings lie in their wake. Khloe makes her way to the library. She passes a tall, cloaked figure peddling rubies to bipedal lizard-men on a street corner. Further down, a pack of greyish, hunched, pointy-toothed ghouls are devouring the remains of Baxter. Khloe stares at them for a moment. 67

QUIBBLER ENTERTAINMENT They stare back. Then, Khloe puts in a pair of earbuds and listens to “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. She walks on. 40

EXT. CHURCH - DAWN

The church is a pile of rubble. Khloe takes it in, then heads to the beach. 41

KHLOE Maybe I’ll be just fine. The wind tosses her hair. Ashley walks up to join her. She grabs Khloe’s hand.

BEACH - DAWN

The sun is just peeking above the watery horizon. In the distance, CTHULHU, an octopus-headed, dragonwinged monstrosity treads slowly across the waves. Khloe joins Bella, who is sitting near the water. BELLA Oh good, you’re here. Isn’t the sunrise beautiful? KHLOE Yeah, it is. They stare at it for a while. KHLOE I really like the symbolism. Warmth rising from the subconscious. Enlightenment. Ashley sits down beside them. ASHLEY Sorry I’m late. BELLA Hey, Ashley. More time passes. KHLOE How is your family? Are they happy? BELLA No. But that’s okay. I’m moving out. She stands and enters the water. Khloe and Ashley continue to sit in silence. Bella does not return. ASHLEY Do you miss him? Khloe shrugs. KHLOE A little. ASHLEY Maybe one day he’ll come back. Maybe you can help him come back. KHLOE Maybe. Khloe examines the Shining Trapezohedron wrapped around her neck. Under her gaze, it begins to glow with 68

the familiar three-lobed burning eye. She takes off the necklace and tosses it into the water. It sinks beneath the waves.

ASHLEY Maybe. They remain together like that as, for miles around, eldritch abominations roam through an alien landscape to the beat of a demoniac flute and hellish drums. THE END

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A History of Magic:

History of Fools

by Tomato--__

s a little break from all the hilarious jokes, mischievous pranks and cunning ideas that this issue of The Quibbler provides, we have decided to include a smidgen of history. What you see before you is a short extract from A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot (Little Red Books, 1947). This text focuses on the beginnings of April Fools Day and its introduction into the Magical Community: 'April Fools Day was first invented by the Muggles of the Middle Ages, when many celebrated New Year's Eve on January 1st. The minority who celebrated at other times were considered 'fools' and so April Fools Day was made to mock the celebrations. Wizards then had a separate calendar to the rest of the world and so celebrated New Year's at the first full moon of the year. Magical folk didn't adopt April Fools for a few hundred years after the first Muggle

holiday. At last, in 1748, a french wizard by the name of Betto Arsenue (nicknamed 'Betto the Blockhead' for his bizarre customs) became angry at a neighboring Muggle when he was drenched with old bath water from an open window (this was a common April Fools prank in Betto's time). Many nearby wizards and Muggles, who had all had enough of Betto's shenanigans, then proceeded to drench Betto in water, either conjured through aguamenti or thrown from buckets. Later on that evening, Betto snuck up on his neighbors and conjured water from the tip of his wand, returning the favour. This water fight became a yearly custom for the village and soon spread to nearby settlements. When wizards went traveling, they brought the annual drenching, along with many other newly adopted traditions, with them and it quickly became a widely practiced event.

As Muggles have become more imaginative with their tricks and pranks, wizards and witches too have found new ways to use spells and hexes to cause maximum mayhem, even going so far as to employ potentially harmful means of pranking their fellows.' As Bathilda mentions, the crude forms of many early traditions developed and spread as transportation became easier and more accessible. This is why so much of Muggle culture has blossomed recently in the Wizarding World. With the fairly new addition of shops dedicated to jokes and pranks (Weasley's Wizard Wheezes and Zonkos are some of the most popular British wizarding shops at the moment), April Fools Day continues to thrive in both wizard and Muggle cultures and is on track to continue its pranking for many moons more!

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Perfect Pranks to

a Muggle convenience shop at night. Take note of any Muggle devices. Make sure you cast a NoticeMe-Not charm. Magically switch out Cheetos and

Pull on Muggles (without Being Arrested by the Ministry of Magic) By EdenKru

1. Rule of Pranking: Always disillusion and/or disguise yourself. 2. Rule of Pranking: Cast appropriate spells to keep the prank from being traced back to you. 3. Rule of Pranking: Always have an alibi. 4. Rule of Pranking: Be mindful of any strange Muggle devices that are possibly run by eckeltricity and could detect visible motion, such as cameras. 5. Rule of Pranking: Wear gloves if you need to touch any area within pranking zone with your hands. Muggles have a way of tracking culprits of crime and pranking with DMA from your fingers. 6. Rule of Pranking: Have fun and create chaos in the spirit of George and Fred Weasley, those wonderful buggers. 7. Rule of Pranking: End each prank by saying, “Mischief managed!”

Prank #1: Disillusion yourself and apparate into

crisps with each other (Cheetos in the crisp bags, crisps in the Cheetos bags). Replace sweet candies with sour ones, and put a few of Ton-Tongue Toffees in the bunch. Watch the chaos that ensues the next few days.

Prank #2: Drink a potion that will give you

wonderful hair growth and a beard worthy of Merlin himself (temporary, of course). Dress in old, light-colored wizarding robes. If you are well-disguised, and the Ministry finds out about this prank, they won’t be able to trace it back to you. Research the names of different ancient religious leaders and choose one. Apparate into a populated area that may endorse said

ENTERTAINMENT QUIBBLER leader, loudly announce that you are said leader returned, and then disapparate. For example, yell “I’m Jesus, your Lord and Savior, and I have returned to gather my faithful!” and then vanish. The more Muggles and devices recording the event, the better. Read the Muggle newspaper articles the day after. You will have caused at least 156 different religious debates, 327 alien visitor theories, and 489 apocalypse/doomsday discussions. You might even make it into the national news if your appearance is covered enough.

Prank #3:

Disillusion yourself and cast a Notice-Me-Not charm. Visit a doll shop in a populated area. Enchant some of the dolls

to speak and move at different times. Muggles have several moving pictures that have been featured on their veletisions that illustrate such dolls, and they seem to be susceptible to believing that old dolls who speak and move are cursed. You will have created a domino effect. Within a week, watch for a Muggle article and a Muggle news story on the recently-found haunted doll shop. Within a year, watch for a moving picture “based on the real-life events” at the doll shop.

Prank #4:

Gather various pieces of Muggle money. Disillusion yourself and cast a NoticeMe-Not charm. Apparate to a local University. Cast a sticking charm to the metal bits of Muggle money and put them onto the ground. Count how many Muggles attempt to pick the money off the ground with their fingers in 2 hours, how many ignore the money, and how many use other ways to obtain the money. Write down your findings.

Prank #5: Reverse prank on wizards: dress

in nor mal Muggle clothing. Bring Muggle money. Go to a shop that sells prank items. There has been an upward surge in sales of ever ything to do with unicor ns and rainbows, recently. (Puzzling, especially since Muggles are said to not believe in them). Buy all the unicor n poop items you can: unicor n poop slime, unicor n fake poop, etc. They do look remarkably like the real thing. Then plant these by the main locations of the local unicor ns at Hogwarts. Watch as lear ned Hogwarts staff who are not familiar with Muggle products tr y to deter mine what kind of unicor ns or magical creatures produced these new steaming piles of—for lack of a better word—crap. Also, order shipments of Unicor n Poop candy for your store, or if you own no store, for your friends and family. You may start a trend.

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ry n Har u f e th som ry Potter ner! i r o w K s r y s Part rful reade o your Har ' 9 K o me t gic t onde Welco ding you w evel of Ma ing to provi he extra l t n e b a l w l aids tion I' s to bring t Parties! m i e d l E b r a e e honor planning. Quibbl ed activiti d y n r e a Ev brides s they are r them e e r t t u t o P to fu al shower d e t a c brid dedi y s i n a r e o 9 korn of magic t reviewing them. At minimum k s ’ n t io i t b i d a e she should pick her favorite, but the maid This bring LOVE POTION SCENTS Requires: Paper for each player, writing utensils. Optional: variety of scented oils and other scented liquids to mix, and cotton balls. Everyone gets to submit 1 combination of scents (2 to 3 scents) to the bride to judge. Write them down anonymously on pieces of paper or, if the host has managed to provide them, place the scents on cotton balls. You may mix and match this by having scents available on cotton balls and writing down the scent of other items. If all the scents are written, you can collect them into a cauldron or iridescent bowl if available. Otherwise, just place them all nicely on a table, preferably with some sort of identifier or number with them if there are a lot. For extra fun, make sure the table cloth is either black like the standard cauldron or iridescent like the classy mother-ofpearl sheen. Add spiral streamers around this activity's area if possible. Once everyone has completed their submission (if using actual scents, the bride might want to be out of the room to avoid seeing what people use to infuse their cotton balls), the bride can begin 74

of honor can prepare a list of awards the bride can give out. “Scent most likely to cause a divorce (Gross)”, “Scent most likely to cause a pregnancy (Arousing)”, and “Scent most likely to cause a drunken phone call (smells like an Ex)” are some ideas. These can be exchanged for whatever types of awards fit the crowd. The host can also go the extra mile and hand out physical awards.

INSERT QUIBBLER Then, everyone sits together in a room, and the host begins reading off the various answers for each security question. The Bride is to pick which one she thinks is from her betrothed and is then graded on how accurate she is. You can also set up prizes for the guests that submit the answers picked by the bride. THE UNBREAKABLE VOW Requires: A looped string. This activity requires the bride and players to know how to play the ancient game, Cat’s Cradle. It involves wrapping a looped string around your hands and taking turns manipulating and grasping the string to remove from the other player’s hands and onto your own. You lose when you mess up the loop or create a dead-end loop that can’t be re-manipulated. MINISTRY RECOMMENDED SECURITY QUESTIONS Requires: A pre-prepared questionnaire, unknown to the bride, that the groom has already filled out. Extra copies of the questionnaire for the guests to complete. In the days/weeks leading up to the party, the host should prepare a list of security questions. They can either be Harry Potter themed or simply relevant to the Bride to Be. Some ideas include the following: “What is the bride’s patronus?”, “What is your wand wood type?”, “Where would be the first place you apparate to once you get your license?”, “What food item would you be most looking forward to if you got to go to Hogwarts?”, “Who is the bride’s favorite Harry Potter character and why?”, “What nickname do you call me when we are alone?”, “What did the bride eat on your first date?”, “What is the bride’s favorite flavor of jam?”, and “As a child, what did the bride want to be when she grew up?”.

If you have decorated a special throne or chair for the bride, have them seated in it for this activity. The maid of honor starts, with the looped string set up on her hands. She states a vow such as “I vow to obey my husband” and the bride must recite the vow as she manipulates and takes the loop onto her own hands. Then the next player comes up, manipulates and takes the loop to their own hands, and says a new vow. This repeats until the bride loses. If a player messes up the Cat’s Cradle game, you can either end it there or have the bride reset the string and continue on. Although the vows can be serious, the goal is to try and get the bride to lose. Making her laugh too hard to concentrate is the recommended strategy. This is a great game to video record for the bride and groom to watch together and can even be included in the wedding tape.

As people show up to the party, have them fill out this security questionnaire. The host might want to have a notebook where each page is dedicated to consolidating the answers for a single question. If there are a lot of submissions, the host may want to curate the answers to limit similar or less creative ones.

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APRIL FOOLS This article has been sponsored by Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes.

Hello young witches and wizards, April Fools is coming up and you don't want to make a fool of yourself because you can't think of a good joke to pull on your mates, do you? Well, don't worry about it 'cause I've got you covered with the best (yet unharmful) prank you can play on your friends.

Skiving Snack Box Rocks

The Skiving Snack Box is one of, if not the most, popular prank there is; an unexperienced, beginner-level prankster might not succeed but fear not, for I am here to teach you how to do it right with a step-by-step plan that has a 99% success rate (it's more like 28% but don't worry about it).

#1 The Mixin'

Before enacting your plan, you'll have to make sure that the person trusts the sweets. This means you'll have to eat a piece of actual candy while pretending it is from the same place as the rest. How do you do this? Easy. To start you will need to mix the Skiving Snacks and a few regular candies in a bowl such that you will know the difference but no one else will. My method is to remove all the green Skiving Snacks and drop one green, unSkiving candy to the mix.

#2 Speech!Speech!Speech!

Next, you need to put on a convincing performance that only the most hard-earned trixters can pull off. To set up your victim, a monologue must be performed to the tee. It is the following: “Oh wow! I haven't had these in years; they are so much better than I remember. You try some.” It might sound simple but people are oddly reluctant to eat unidentified food on April Fools day.

#3 It's Happening

This is the moment you've all been waiting for: The Reckoning. If you have done everything right, they should 100% trust you enough to eat the sweets (again it's more like 28% but don't worry about it). And just like that, it has been done; the moment they start chewing, boils should start to sprout from their face. Now you might be thinking that this is all fine and dandy but one more thing must happen before the Skiving Snackbox trick can be considered complete.

#4 PUNS!! Oh the puns

After warts set in, there are a handful of quips you may use including: “I bet your blood is boiling” and “I can see you're swelling up with rage”. But the best pun will happen in the heat of the moment when you are faced with your victim and the absolute hilarity of their predicament. You're welcome in advance for this amazing trick that always works (once again like 28 times out of 100 but don't worry about it). Sincerely, COOL_GROL

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Have a Green April Fool’s

r red, white, or purple... or give your intended victim all kinds of colourful splodges. The possibilities are limitless!

Allow me to introduce myself, I am new to the Quibbler, but that is pretty much all that is new about me! I am Agnes Grimsbane, and if you happen to be a student, that’s Professor Grimsbane to you. I have had the pleasure of celebrating my birthday one hundred and nineteen times. Or, at least, I think that was it. Something very close anyway. As I said, I’m not exactly the newest thing on the block. I am a hedge witch; I live by nature and I have made nature my profession. I am a student and professor of Herbology. Now, you might think, how can you be both a student and a professor? Well, I have found that in the field of Herbology, there are always new things to learn, new plants to find, and new uses to find for the plants that we already know. In my 119 years I have never stopped learning. Yes, I do still teach, thank you for asking. I give a lot of guest colleges all around the world. I have had the privilege of even having had some invites to Hogwarts. Those house-elves do serve up a treat! Oh, and I do love to travel! I find the best way to learn about plants is to go to where they grow natively. And to get in touch with the local wizards, witches, and yes, even muggles, to learn about the plants. I know, there are many excellent herbology books and guides; a great many of them use my findings… but, there is nothing like doing your own research! Now, you can imagine, after a good hundred years, I have been dealt my fair share of April Fool’s jokes. And I have given as good as I have received. It is amazing how much Mother Nature appears to like a good prank; many plants will love to be your partner in crime! I will recount some of my very best pranks for you.

Turning Green

My dear friend Tilden Toots has made an excellent potion for rejuvenating plants. What he doesn’t know, however, is that if you use just a drop of the green Regermination potion in, let’s say, somebody's cupcake, he will turn green for at least a day. Oh, and he or she might sprout some leaves, but those will fall off eventually. Mind you, just a drop, and not the red Rejuicer potion! I found this out by uhm, accident, when I was drinking my tea and rejuvenating a plant that looked quite barren. I spilled a drop without knowing it and I spent the better part of the next two days looking rather silly. Naturally, I holed up in my greenhouse for these two days, making careful notes of this effect for next April Fool’s and had such a laugh!

Bouncing Bouncing Bouncing

Have you ever had a chance to see Bouncing Bulbs? They are amazing and if handled carefully you can easily keep these yourself. Just be careful when you are repotting these. If you take a bit of skin from the Bouncing Bulb and have it stew in a cup of tea, for example, your tea will have a remarkable effect on anyone who drinks it. They won’t be able to stand or sit still; they will keep on bouncing like bunnies! The effect should wear off in about an hour or two. I found this out while I was a student at Hogwarts myself. It was written in a very old herbology book I found in the library and I don’t think anyone ever noticed the potential of this. And it is so easy to prepare. Just make sure you drink from the right cup of tea! Oh, and the book is still there in the library and it contains many more fascinating notes. I just can’t remember who wrote it… I’m afraid that must be my age creeping up on me.

Honk Honk!

This one takes a bit of effort and it might be wise to prepare this well in advance, and somewhere nobody can hear you. This will give you sweets that will cause your victim to make a honking sound each and every time they open their mouth. Put your cauldron on a medium heat and add a bit of water. Throw in one Honking Daffodil. Boil until you can no longer hear any honking coming from your cauldron. And believe me, your Honking Daffodil will honk after being thrown into boiling water. When it has gone silent there should not be too much water left in your cauldron. Take it off the boil and strain the liquid. Be careful not to burn yourself! Now, add a pound of sugar to your cauldron and bring it back to heat slowly, letting the sugar melt. Keep stirring! Once it is melted, carefully stir in your essence of Honking Daffodil and add any colourant you might find a pleasant colour for sweets. Take your cauldron off the heat and use gloves to remove the now pretty much solid lump of coloured sugar. It should have a nice flowery fragrance; if it smells burned… well, you burned it and might just as well start all over. Roll out the sugar into a long string, about as thick as your finger. Use your wand, or scissors, to cut the string into sweet sized bits. Let them cool! Now, feel free to surprise your friends with free sweets! Honk Honk! Now, I am sure you will all behave and not use any of these pranks for ill purposes. Let me also tell you that you should not try to prank me, I have seen all the pranks and I know some excellent jinxes to get even. Also… anyone want a sweet? Sincerely, Professor Agnes Grimsbane

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pring is an enchanting time of year. Flora and fauna alike venture out of winter hibernation and begin anew. Cold, grey environments give way to lush landscapes of color. People step outside more often, and gardeners prepare for the approaching growing season. If you are a fellow green-thumb personality like me, now is the time to start digging for information for your own personal garden! Follow the guidelines. By late spring and summer, your garden will be a blooming success!

Easy Peasy: Décor and Border Plants Beginner gardeners who fancy some greenery with little to no maintenance should start here. Flowering bushes function extremely well as garden and yard borders, and can be placed in pots for house décor, should the desire arise. Magical bushes and plants also have a reputation for lasting longer without water and are not as picky in regards to sun and shade, so investing in a few might not be a bad idea. Peony bushes and rhododendron bushes are two that are particularly hardy. They have big blooms that range in color from purple to pinkish-red to white, and only require a little water and no shade. Watering once a fortnight should work. Rose bushes are a mite more sensitive. Some varieties may need half-sun-half-shade and water every few days. Standard roses will blossom with hues of yellow, pink, and red; magical strains need less water and will produce roses in every color of the rainbow. Flitterbloom is a magical plant. It is often mistaken for Devil’s Snare when not in bloom. It bears thin, wispy green stalks that are elegant and fern-like. Water once a month. It does not have to be in shade. Be careful where you put it in your garden, as it is a creeping vine. Flitterbloom may unintentionally smother other plants if you don’t trim it. Flutterby is a magical bush both in species and appearance. The species gets its name 81

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from the way it responds to outside stimuli: the bush shudders or “flutters” every time a person or animal brushes by. The leaves are long and elegant, with tips that extend into a curlicue underneath. Water it once every 45 days. Flutterby only blooms once a century, and the blooms last for 3 months; so if you get the timing and planting right, you will be in for quite a show. Buy a mature bush that is almost 100 years old if you want the blooms to be present as décor during a special occasion.

Non-Magical Naturals: Fruits, Vegetables, and Herbs Intermediate and expert gardeners who want a productive crop plot should start here. Fruits, herbs, and vegetables are essential if you intend to cook and eat out of your garden. Should you wish to have only a few functional cooking plants inside, herbs are the easiest to maintain in planting jars or pots. Some nonmagical herbs are also used in magical potions, recipes, and spells. It may be best to obtain

MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATIRES QUIBBLER

as they will wither and drown. Once every 3-4 days is good. Blackcurrant bushes, carrots, and strawberries are different and delicate in their own ways. Blackcurrant bushes prefer fertile dirt that is just damp enough (don’t water more than twice a week), and produce a small, round, dark fruit. These bushes would do better as a garden border or corner plant, as they are a shrub and can take over a small area. Carrots are underground with a leafy top, but like sandy soil and some shade with large rations of water. Strawberries prefer fertile dirt with shade, and watering every other day to every day. Carrots and strawberries are especially vulnerable to cold, so cast a warming spell during the winter months. Lemongrass, rosemary, and sage are some essential herbs to have for cooking and cleaning purposes. They can be grown in pots or plots, and need some amount of watering. 2-3 times a week should be enough. Keep all a few that function both ways if you want to be prepared. Be warned: non-magical plants require a bit more care than magical plants, especially in regards to amounts of water, types of dirt, how much sun, or how much shade. Cabbage, peas, pumpkins, and tomatoes are very similar because they are all above-ground crops, all can share the same dirt with minor changes, all share a similar watering schedule, and all do well in full sun. They are sensitive during cold winter months; be sure to cast a warming spell so your plants don’t die before springtime. Keep your pumpkins trimmed, as they have creeping vines and might smother other plants. Water every day, or once every 2 days. Garlic, onions, and potatoes are all underground vegetables with buds and leaves above-ground, and can be planted in the same dirt. Their leaves love full sun, and don’t require much maintenance. All three are very hardy and can last through winter if taken care of properly. Don’t water these plants too much,

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herbs trimmed, as they can grow out of control and can invade other areas of your garden. Lemongrass (C. citratus variant) is mainly grown for scents in soap or aromatherapy, but also functions as a minor ingredient in some teas. It is a tropical plant, and thus requires a warm, damp environment yearround. Cast a warming spell, or keep the herb inside. Rosemary is used in both cooking and cleaning, and functions as an essential oil, food seasoning, or tea extract. It is a very hardy herb, and can withstand some cold temperatures with little water. Sage functions much the same as rosemary. It needs more water than rosemary, but can withstand cold up to a certain point.

Herb Horticulture: Muggle Plants with Magical Uses Some non-magical herbs can be grown for both mundane and magical usage. Asphodel, belladonna, lavender, thyme, and valerian are five such plants that can be cultivated in a personal garden. These are common herbs that are found in the wild, at your local apothecary, or at a Muggle plant market.

Lavender grows almost everywhere and is a multi-functional herb for potions, cooking, Asphodel is a member of the lily family, and has cleaning, and health purposes. Its scent is been connected with the idea of death and the known to be soothing, and the color is pleasing underworld since ancient times. This herb is to the eye. The Fire-Breathing Potion and used for treating skin conditions and lessening Sleeping Draught each use a few sprigs of freckles. The root is poisonous if ingested in this herb. Lavender (L. angustifolia variant) is large amounts. Powdered root of asphodel is also used in greenery dĂŠcor, cake decorating, mixed into potions, including the Wiggenweld teas, food flavorings or seasonings, essential Potion and the Draught of Living Death. It oils, cleaners, soap, disinfectants, medicines, grows in dry ground very easily, so water once a antivenoms, and skin ointments. Dry soil is its fortnight. preferred environment. Water once a fortnight or at the 3-week mark. Belladonna, also known as Deadly Nightshade, is very poisonous. The leaves, flowers, fruit, Thyme is a very hardy herb that can withstand or roots can be used in different potions or almost any temperature. It is used in certain poisons, depending on your preferred lifestyle potions, recipes, and medicines. One of the (light or dark magic). Water once every three ingredients in the Felix Felicis luck potion is weeks. Almost nothing can kill this herb except Tincture of Thyme. Spicy teas, essential oils, extreme frosty climates; belladonna grows and antiseptics are also made from this herb, as anywhere. If you have an open cut on your it is very strong and can fight bacteria that may uncovered hands, do not handle belladonna cause infections or irritation. For this reason, without gloves. You will regret it. Just to be safe, thyme has been spread onto bandages for wear gloves at all time when handling this plant. many centuries in an effort to reduce pain and 84

MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES QUIBBLER

contamination with injuries. Thyme prefers dry clay dirt, with water once every 3-4 weeks.

listed below.

Enchanting Evergreens: Magical Plants

Dittany has dark green leaves, a woody stem, and looks like a small shrub. Another name for it is “the burning bush,” as the plant occasionally belches out little puffs of colored smoke that can catch fire. Its different parts (leaves, roots, and stem) are used in magical tinctures and ointments because it is a healing herb with a swift and powerful effect. Dittany will heal open bites, cuts, scars, and wounds if applied immediately, and will make the injuries seem days if not weeks old. Some bites that this herb will heal are werewolf bites, doxy bites, and snake bites (just the bites, mind you. Aftereffects or conditions caused by the bites are not healed by dittany). Essence of Dittany, specialized Healing Potions, and Wiggenweld Potion all use dittany as a main ingredient. It likes damp fertile soil, and requires water twice a month.

Magically-bred plants with multiple functions are much more expensive and harder to obtain

Fanged Geranium is a sentient plant that is only nice when the owner takes care of it. When

than regular greens or magical décor flowers. There are regulations put into place for conservation, quality, and quantity. However, if you manage to get your hands on one or two, they will be well worth your time and effort! Three of the most common magical species are

neglected it tends to snap and bite anyone who steps near. Beautiful blooms vary in color from red to pink to purple, and usually are shaped like miniature mouths. Menacing fangs protrude from the top and bottom parts of the “mouth.” The wide leaves are tinted greenishblue and surround the bloom in a 5-point

Valerian is a herb which functions well in potions and medicines. The roots and leaves are main ingredients in the Sleeping Draught, the Draught of Peace, the Draught of Living Death, the Fire-Breathing Potion, and the Forgetfulness Potion. Treacle fudge is also flavored with this herb. Valerian has been used for centuries to soothe nerves, improve quality of sleep, and treat cramps, eczema, hypertension, irritable bowel syndrome, minor injuries, painful menstruation, and ulcers. If you have a familiar that is a cat or kneazle breed, valerian will have an effect similar to catnip. It grows in non-acidic, dry ground. Water once a fortnight.

QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES

or 6-point star pattern. If you feed a fanged geranium special plant food or bugs, and then stroke the top of the bloom, it will make a sound almost like a purring cat. The fangs of this plant are used as ingredients in cooking and potions, such as the Strength Potion. Fanged Geranium likes dry ground. Water once every 33 days. Venomous Tentacula looks simple, but can, in reality, be very dangerous when neglected or unchecked. It is a temperamental creeper vine that sends out feelers for things to grasp onto, whether those other things be people, items, or fellow plants. It has green stems that extend into small, rounded, green leaves, and a few green heads that are shaped like miniature mouths, much like the Fanged Geranium. Spikes and teeth on the vines and leaves can stun or kill, but one bite is not lethal. Spiky fireballs can also be discharged at an unsuspecting victim. Venomous Tentacula can function as a pet, a weapon, or as a potion ingredient. Its mouths make a clicking sound when the plant is hungry. Chizpurfles are its preferred food, and it likes damp soil with a hot environment. Water once every 3 weeks.

Accio Hortus: Everyday Garden Spells Now that you have your basic plant choices, your next step would be defending your garden from pests and taking care of essentials such as watering, trimming, or warming. You don’t really need fancy spells for doing these things; you can simply take the spells you know, and apply them to gardening. For getting rid of pests, use versions of the Banishing Spell. Cimex Exumai, Arania Exumai, or Animalis Exumai work well on unwelcome snails, bugs, spiders, or small animals and rodents. Don’t use Pestis Exumai. It is a more general spell, but it banishes everything that is considered a pest from the garden, and I mean everything. If your children or pets or spouse are within range of the spell, and depending on your feelings and intentions when casting, the spell may banish them accidentally. If you want their company in your garden in the future, don’t use this spell when they are near. Use the Hot-Air Charm to warm certain plants and herbs that prefer tepid temperatures. Modify the spell with extended time and an extended area bubble to cover an entire plant or

MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES QUIBBLER

multiple plants. Monitor the spell when you first apply it, make sure it reaches the temperature constant that is needed, and it will function perfectly. Otherwise, you may return home from work and find your entire garden in flames. Cutting and trimming requires a deft hand. The Severing Charm Diffindo will save your skin

Going back and forth between a water hose and a water bucket is so Muggle and antiquated. Aguamenti is a water-making spell that is easy and effortless, and can be customized to be colder or warmer for specific plants. Simply walk up and down your garden rows, and cast this spell. Cast it in small, rationed amounts, or else you might just flood your garden.

Cultivation Conclusion

from getting unnecessary cuts and scrapes, and will neatly slice off unwanted leaves, twigs, weeds, vines, and whatever else gets on your precious plants. You can also use this spell to harvest the fruits of your labor. Just make sure that you hover a basket or bucket underneath to catch all the greens, lest they roll onto the ground and become bruised or trampled. This simple spell can be dangerous if you or someone else is caught in the crossfire, so be careful. Digging a hole for placing a new plant in the ground can be quite exhausting. If you want to make it easier on yourself, consider using the Gouging Spell Defodio. It will hollow out a certain area of earth, however deep you want. You can then refine or shape the hole with a small shovel.

There you have it: all the tips and basics to begin your own spring garden. This review only covers the basics of gardening. If you would prefer information with specifics about every kind of plant (dirt types, timing, sun, shade, supplements, fertilizer, etc.), do your own further research when you have the time. All of the plants listed are found either in wild areas, local apothecaries, or Muggle plant shops. One major place in Hogsmeade is Dogweed and Deathcap, which sells magical exotic plants as well as the majority of gardening supplies. You should find what you need there. If you’re feeling adventurous, dress like a Muggle and go to a plant shop. Keep in mind that a garden is like a child: if you don’t spend thyme and care for it, it won’t bloom and flourish. Remember—don’t let mistakes squash your dreams. Trial and error is part of growth. So go forth, ye Green Thumbs, and plant! Happy digging!

Sources:

• • •

harrypotter.fandom.com/wiki http://www.naturalmedicinalherbs.net/herbs Personal experience

QUIBBLER INSERT

The

Making of a

Magizoologist Note to editor: This is OC Fan Fiction based on the Lucy Fairweather I used in a previous article for Magizoology and Me. This is her story at Hogwarts and how she came to being a Magizoologist. I’ll be aiming to write a chapter each Quibbler Article.

Chapter 1 - Hogwarts Express The light dimmed as Lucy passed into the shadows of the King's Cross station entrance. Nerves began to well up inside of her at the thought of what she was walking towards. The weariness of a sleepless night lay heavy on her shoulders as she concentrated on putting one foot ahead of the other. Heading away from all that she was used to filled her heart with fear. The familiarity of the small, homely empire that her parents had built was to be left behind as she progressed on this new adventure. Her whole life was going to change today. The eleven-year-old girl gripped tightly to her father’s hand as they passed through the crowded concourse. Uncaring that fellow students and commuters could see this act of childishness, she trailed behind him, eyes darting around her to drink in every detail of this new location. Most people were milling around, glancing at huge panels which displayed details of trains, but Lucy knew that the Hogwarts Express would not be listed. Eleven o’clock, September 1st, platform nine and three quarters, every year. It was never late. That’s what her father had told her. “Are you ready then, Luce?” he asked, squeezing her hand as he looked down at his daughter. “Remember what I said?” Lucy nodded, afraid to open her mouth to speak in case her voice revealed how scared she was. Glancing behind her, she was relieved to see that 88

INSERT QUIBBLER Kitty was still perched on her case, enjoying the ride and the attention from Muggles that noticed her. The tabby cat was the only part of Lucy’s old life that would be accompanying her to the new school. Barely six months old, the kitten seemed a lot more confident than Lucy about the trip. “You’ll be fine,” her mother added curtly. “Just make sure you pay attention to your Professors and, for goodness sake, don’t go into the Forbidden Forest.” The auburn-haired youngster’s father grinned, ruffling her hair. The simple gesture reminded her that she would soon be alone in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by strangers. Blinking away the tears that were starting to form, she swallowed her fear and allowed her father to guide her around a corner. “Here we are,” he announced, “Platforms nine and ten.” There was nothing between the two platforms except the pillar that held up one of the stations many looming archways. Solid red brick ran from floor to ceiling and the reality of what she was about to do began to sink in. Was she really supposed to run at the wall and slide through like it didn’t exist? “I’ll go first and you two can follow,” her mother chimed, holding out a hand before adding, “Give me your suitcase. Take hold of Kitty, the last thing we need is her escaping and causing mayhem for the Muggle transport department.” Her father grinned again as Lucy pried Kitty’s claws out of her suitcase and placed the feline on her shoulder. She watched numbly as her mother marched toward the wall, glancing left and right before suddenly disappearing from existence. It was almost like she had been swallowed up by the wall. “Simple, isn’t it?” her father said, before bending down before her, “Look, while your mother’s not here I’ll say my piece.” Lucy saw her father’s eyes began to grow watery and busied herself looking at Kitty’s tail which flicked around her chest in excitement. “Your mother is right. Focusing on studies will help you adjust to living away from home. It’s a shock. I remember my first term being scary and lonesome. But you can always write to us and I’ll write to you about every creature we get on the farm. I’ve already told Rubeus you’re heading to school this year, so he’ll look out for you. I’m sure he’ll let you look after some of the creatures he has for his classes. He’s a good man, is Rubeus. 89

QUIBBLER INSERT You remember him, don’t you?” Nodding, Lucy finally risked a glance at her father’s face and realised he had done a good job of ridding himself of tears. She recalled the giant man that had once visited the farmstead a year or so ago. He’d brought some mooncalf dung for her mother and asked for some advice on Acromantula from her father. He had seemed like a kind man, although the rock cakes he had gifted them left a lot to be desired.

was standing in the carriage doorway, she turned back to her parents and glanced at each of them, not wanting to say goodbye but knowing it was the only word left to say.

“We should probably get going,” her father said, interrupting her memories, “Your mother will be wondering what is keeping us!” He rose to his feet again, taking her hand back in his and squeezing it tightly. The warmth and familiarity comforted the young girl and she readjusted herself to stand tall and confident, ready to face her future.

“But Hufflepuff is better than Gryffindor,” he mother added with a grin, an uncharacteristic bit of playfulness catching Lucy off guard. Her father rolled his eyes and wrapped his arm around his wife’s shoulder, ready to guide her away.

“Let’s go,” she said - the first words she had dared to speak for several hours, “Ready Kitty?” As the cat huddled against her shoulders, her father pulled her toward the wall. She held her breath, shutting her eyes at the last moment as she braced for a collision that never happened. It was like walking through the mist - a sensation of being surrounded but she felt nothing. When she opened her eyes again the surroundings of Kings Cross station had changed and she found herself on a busy platform that was partly hidden by billows of steam. A sleek scarlet engine waited before her, sparkling in the late summer sun. Glistening golden letters across its front read “Hogwarts Express”. The next step of her journey lay in the carriages behind. Carriages that would take her to her new school and the start of her magical education. “Here, Lucinda,” her mother’s voice cried out over the crowd, accompanied by a hand waving above students who bustled around the train. “I’ve put your bag on this carriage, the compartments look to be occupied but I’m sure you’ll make friends. Don’t forget you have your sandwiches packed in your rucksack and a little treat for Kitty. But only if she behaves, remember!” Her mother tapped Kitty on the nose and stood back as Lucy released her father’s hand and reached up to the handhold. As she pulled herself onto the train the coldness of her hand reminded her of what she was leaving behind. Once she 90

“Go on and make some new friends then,” her father said, his eyes glistening once more as he forced a smile, “You can write to us as soon as you’ve been sorted. And remember, we don’t care what house you’re sorted into.”

“See you at Christmas, poppet,” he said, blowing a kiss up to his nervous daughter. “See you,” Lucy whispered, dramatically feigning to catch the kiss and stuff it into her pocket before she turned and ran into the carriage, tears spilling down her cheeks. Lucy paused in the darkened corridor that led between the seating compartments of the Hogwart Express. She listened to the laughter and shouting of the students already on board and let the tears fall silently from her chin onto the floor. For the first time in her life, she’d be away from her father and the wonderful creatures that graced their farmstead. She cuddled Kitty close to her, glad that at least one familiar being was able to join her. Several moments passed before the carriage door slammed behind her, snapping her from her misery as the last couple of students pushed past her to join their friends. A rasping hoot from the engine signalled that their journey was about to begin and Lucy had to steady herself as the train pulled out of the station. “We should probably find a carriage, Kitty,” Lucy said to the small tabby whose claws were digging into her neck with fear, “And don’t worry. It’s just a train. We’ll be fine.” She nodded certainly, reassuring herself as much as her pet. Surely there would be other nervous first years on the train. She resolved to look for some other new students and focus her energy on making them feel better so that she, in turn, could forget about homesickness bubbling up inside of her.

INSERT QUIBBLER As she staggered down the train, dragging her suitcase behind her, Lucy peered into compartments filled with students laughing and joking. None of them appeared to notice her walking by and she had almost resigned herself to sitting on the corridor floor when Kitty leapt from her shoulders with a rampant cry. “Kitty, come back!” she yelled, twisting her case around awkwardly and chasing the cat down the corridor. Just ahead, deftly evading the tabby’s paws, was a translucent blue butterfly. It fluttered down the corridor before swiftly sliding through the open window of the last compartment, Kitty diving inelegantly after it. “Oh gosh, Kitty.” Laughter erupted from inside the berth as Lucy peered around the door. Inside, a blonde-haired girl holding an opened jar sat opposite a mousy-haired boy and a girl who could only be his twin. As Lucy watched, the butterfly landed gently inside the jar and the girl replaced the lid just before Kitty tried to jump inside after it. The boy caught Kitty just before she bounced nose-first into the jar lid and placed her softly on the table between them. “I’m so sorry,” Lucy exclaimed, sliding the door open and snatching Kitty up into her arms, “She is used to chasing butterflies on the farm.” The firstyear could feel her face reddening as her eyes darted around the carriage, not daring to make eye contact with the occupants. “It’s fine,” said the boy, standing and offering his hand to Lucy, “I’m Lance, and this is my sister Sarah and our friend Nicola. We’re both going into third year. I’ve not seen you before, you must be a first year?” Releasing her grip from her pet, she took the boy's hand and shook it. “Lucy,” she told him, smiling shyly at the two girls before pouting back down the carriage, “And yes. I was looking for a seat but everywhere seems to be full.”

previous years at Hogwarts. It seemed like the three of them had a great deal of history from the past couple of years, and often Lucy felt like she was missing out on an in-joke. She smiled along anyway - she was mostly just happy for the company. After several hours on board, the Scottish highlands rose out of the carriage window. Green hills loomed above them and valleys dropped below with deep, blue lochs. The four students changed into their school robes and talk quickly turned to their arrival at Hogwarts. “Do you know which house you’ll be in?” Sarah asked, her grey-brown hair slithering down her shoulder as she turned to face Lucy, “Nicola and I are in Hufflepuff, but Lance is in Ravenclaw”. She grinned cheekily, elbowing her brother who fastened a navy blue tie around his neck. “I’m not sure,” Lucy pouted, her own neck feeling naked without a house tie, “My father was in Gryffindor and my mother was Hufflepuff. I’ve never really known which house I belong to. Hopefully the sorting will put me in the right place.” Lucy stared wistfully out the window, the sweets and sandwiches she had eaten on her journey beginning to churn inside her stomach. What if she failed the sorting task? What if she wasn’t sorted and she was sent back home? Would her parents even accept her back if she failed to make it past the first day? She was so lost in thought that she only snapped back to reality when Lance clicked his fingers in front of her face. “We’re here,” he announced, beaming as he dragged her suitcase down from the rack above her, “Here, I’ll help you find Hagrid - he’s the one who will take you to the castle.”

“Come join us,” the blonde-headed Nicola said, her southern accent separating the words perfectly as she patted the bench beside her, “Lance, put her case up on the rack will you?” Lucy sat nervously beside the girl, Kitty curling up tightly on her lap to endure the ride. For the rest of the journey the three friends laughed and joked as they regaled the first-year with stories of their 91

QUIBBLER MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES

Discoveries of Corbin Hediadar: Uncovering the Wood Nymph

ne of the younger members of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, Corbin Hediadar, has been studying the many references of Wood Nymphs, as well as Water Nymphs, around the world. This field of study had been passed around the other officials in the department for some time, many feeling that the claims were fabricated. And yet, Hediadar took this case. A case that seemed like something to pass on if you wanted to be taken seriously. A case that seemed frivolous. A case that seemed unimportant. However, this case changed much of what we know about another well-known beast: the Bowtruckle.

and Blotts, trying to find books that had reports of Wood Nymphs. He made note of locations and the witnesses. It turned out that one of the places to best start was not in the U.S. or even France, but in Greece, where tales of Water Nymphs and Dryads (Wood Nymphs) were rampant among Muggles in Ancient Greek Mythology. The first barrier in his journey, however, would start back at the Ministry. He requested to be allowed to travel to Greece and use the Grecian Ministry with its resources as a kind of home base. He was denied, his superior saying that he didn’t need to bother the head of the division with “such idiotic nonsense”, telling Hediadar that he should “give up on those false reports.” This would drive Hediadar into a corner, as he could drop the case as his superior suggested or he could go over his superior’s head. He chose the latter and submitted a formal request, which was granted.

Hediadar told reporters that he initially was going to pass on the assignment because he had just graduated and thought he would not be taken seriously. However, he didn’t “I hadn’t had much luck in just put the folder into a draw to His superior was upset that collect dust like the other witches Hediadar would think to finding a break out research and wizards in his department “undermine my authority and put project in the Beast Division, in that stupid request,” but the did. He kept it on his desk. He revealed that the whole thing was and no case was handed to me. I department head said that there a happy accident, that he had had been an influx of rumours in was still one of the new guys." the area of Wood Nymphs from been called away and the folder stayed on his desk for about Muggles and the Grecian Ministry half a year before he found it again. wanted help. They knew that the Grecian Ministry didn’t “I hadn’t had much luck in finding a break out research want to investigate the rumours, but when Hediadar put in his project in the Beast Division, and no case was handed to request, it killed two Fwoopers with one Gobstone. Hediadar me. I was still one of the new guys. I was about to go home was just happy to have the chance to conduct his research. for the day when I saw the folder on Wood Nymphs. I had remembered some stories from He arrived at the Grecian Ministry of my time at Hogwarts about Wood Magic, located in Athens and hidden Nymphs in France and America. among the Acropolis at the base of So, I took the folder to my home the Parthenon. Its entrance changes to read over, more for fun than locations within the Acropolis so anything serious. However, as that Muggle (called kamía-mageía I read over the information in [translation: no-magic] in Greece) the folder, the case grabbed tourists aren’t blocking the entrance my interest. I can’t say why or accidentally entering. Hediadar because rereading the original noted that much of the architecture folder myself, and even having of the Ministry was reminiscent of colleagues reading it, nothing in ancient ruins the Muggles viewed particular stuck out to grab my outside, but it had been updated attention. Maybe it was my past with some things, such as windows self coming out, wanting to see and magical devices, that would if these fantastical creatures are not have originally been available real or not. Regardless, it took at the time of its construction. The me to many different locations Grecian Minister greeted Hediadar, around the world on an adventure speaking near-perfect English. I never thought I would have.” They talked at length for a time, Hediadar reported that his but Hediadar eventually got journey started in Flourish to talk about his true purpose: 92

Wood Nymphs. This lead to the Minister trying to explain that it was all a rumour, but after Hediadar’s insistence, still giving him access to all their information.

to mimic wizards singing, much the same way a parrot mimics their Muggle owner, but are generally shy. They eat woodlice, but they won’t eat fairy eggs, instead protecting the fragile being until its parent returns or it hatches. This applies to pixies and doxies as well. It grew wings to teach babies to fly, but also to appear as bugs when flying. I have elected to call the group a maiden, after the image they create when their tree is approached.”

He went back to his room at the Grecian version of the Leaky Cauldron, called the Mute Siren. But all of the material was exactly what he had read in Britain. However, he noticed that some accounts from wizards were of tiny creatures in English and Red oaks, ash, walnut and black walnut, and pine trees used in wand making, whereas Muggle accounts were of tree-like beings. This raised a question not yet proposed: are Wood Nymphs Beings or Beasts?

Upon leaving, he regretted having to leave and camped out next to the tree his last week in Greece. The Minister took a copy of his notes and sent them straight to the archives. Hediadar sent a second copy to the famous Newt Scamander to be added to the newest version of his famous book, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. As a gift on his last day, the Wood Nymphs took Hediadar to an English oak sapling and showed him how they dug it out. He conjured up a large flower pot and placed the gift inside, placing more soil around it. Then, two Wood Nymphs placed a small bundle upon the strongest branch.

Travelling to Mount Parnassus near Delphi, where the magical forest meets the National Park, Hadiadar found many trees fitting the Muggle and wizard’s description of where they saw the Wood Nymphs. At first, the image of a wooden maiden emerged from an English oak, but when Hadiadar pulled out his wand, the image seemed to turn into dust. That is when he saw what they really were. They resemble a Bowtruckle in appearance with a small set of wings, were about 1-2.5 inches in height, and tan in colour. The tree in which the Wood Nymphs live is reflected in their appearance, as they will either have leaves or needles that resemble their

home

tree.

However, they did not act like Bowtruckles. He watched them for over a year, noting that when a wizard appeared near their tree, they would quickly hide back in their tree. Over the year, the Wood Nymphs grew used to Hediadar’s presence and slowly began to welcome him with songs. The Minister, upon hearing the news and seeing the creatures, noted they reacted differently to the young man than to him. Hediadar has determined that they act as watchmen to the magical forest, and send out an alarm when a non-magical being appears. He came to this conclusion when a non-magical man, a dog, and a Muggle woman appeared in the woods. Using upwards of a thousand or more, the little creatures take on the shape of a shy young maiden. This scared the two Muggles and the animal away, and soon, two more accounts were reported. “I have determined that the Wood Nymph is a Beast and is a subspecies of Bowtruckle that had to adapt to different types of wand woods, thus making it an XX type of Beast. They guard magical forests in Greece and live in the Christmas tree chosen by the staff at Beauxbatons Academy of Magic, where they sing songs until the tree is removed. They can be taught

“I cried. They not only gave me a prized tree, but a brand new maiden was sent to go with it so that I would never forget them. This maiden would be the first to officially live in Britain, which will allow further studies. And the two leaders of this new maiden were the two Wood Nymphs to first befriend me. How could I say no to such a gift?” Upon leaving, the Grecian Ministry began looking for other maidens. At this time, there are very few maidens found, and the ones noted are kept safe; the Beast Division in Greece tries to keep human interaction to a minimum. As for the first Maiden found, the Grecian Minister said that they did not appear to wizards at all for a while, and shook their tree leaves with non-magical creatures, but used their maiden image to scare Muggles away, though they made only the minimal effort. This information was passed to Hediadar, who sent back that they were sad about their friends leaving and that it would pass. He was right as a month later, the Wood Nymphs were back to the way they were before Hediadar arrived. Unfortunately, they were forced to move to a nearby pine after a devastating storm hit late last year. They were lucky that 95% of the maiden survived, but the last 5% were mourned deeply as the songs sung by the tiny creatures made many studying them cry. Meanwhile, Hediadar has followed the path of Newt Scamander, and a tiny Wood Nymph, named Ash, now travels in his pocket as Corbin Hediadar looks for other possible creatures. 93

However, Muggles have come up with a rather strange theory: Nessie, the worrisome Kelpie, is a giant eel living in Loch Ness. Now, Nessie has always enjoyed making the Muggles guess as to its true appearance, though its favorite shape is that of a sea serpent. The leading theory is that it is a surviving plesiosaur. In September of 2019, a video was posted to the Muggle video sharing website YouTube, claiming “evidence” that Nessie is a giant eel.

Before going into this whole new theory, based off of large amounts of eel DNA found at the site, let’s begin with original theories.

PLESIOSAURS

A plesiosaur is an extinct creature that lived in tropical waters. It was a cold-blooded creature, and the temperature of the waters of Loch Ness are just too cold for such a being. Even if the plesiosaur had been a warm-blooded animal, there would not have been enough food in the loch for it to survive. This beast disappeared long before the loch was even a frozen idea during the last ice age. At one point, it was said to even have horns that were used as breathing tubes, explaining why there were so few sightings, by Muggle standards. BIRDS AND OTHER RESIDENT ANIMALS

Not only do local birds “resemble” Nessie’s head, but the wake they put into the water have sometimes been attributed to the “monster in the loch”. This is the same for deer and otters (the form the kelpie takes when Muggles are nearby) that often swim in the loch, and the wake is similar to those produced by boats, similar to the famous Apple Satellite Photo that was talked about in 2014.

theory

N E S S I E

Magical Plants & Creatures

N E W Plesiosaurs - Birds and Other Resident Animals - Elephants - Greenland Sharks - Wels Catfish Eels - True Kelpies

In 2019, there were a reported eighteen sightings of Nessie, starting in April of that year and ending in October of the same year. This is up by three from 2018.

Jeremy Wade, a Muggle biologist and TV personality, offered up this theory. The Greenland Shark lives in areas similar to the loch, and can live in fresh water if necessary, but live mainly in the North Atlantic Ocean. It grows up to 20 feet (6.1 meters) long, is dark in color, and has a small dorsal fin. As there is an abundance of food for the shark, this theory would be plausible, if not for Nessie truly being a kelpie.

MAGICAL PLANTS & CREATURES

GREENLAND SHARKS

WELS CATFISH Steve Feltham was recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records for his vigil of the loch and he theorized that Nessie is a rather large Wels Catfish, which had been placed in Loch Ness in the 19th Century.

However, as of the turn of the century, the number of sightings has started to grow steadily to numbers between 15-20 per year, creating problems for officials. However, as of the end of October 2019, Nessie has been hibernating, so sightings have stopped for the time being. This is not always the case, but it is worth noting that if Nessie doesn’t eat enough during the month before this cycle of sleep, the kelpie will wake up randomly to feed to ensure its survival. It is difficult, as the cold affects its speed when the water drops below freezing. Still, winter sightings have happened, and this is due to Muggles fishing where the food source happens to be at that time.

EELS This is the latest theory about the kelpie, but this came from the eel DNA found in the loch and a video that was later debunked (explained below). Coupled with the “long neck” of the creature described, and Muggles have come up with the “Nessie is a giant eel” theory.

So if you hear talk of a Nessie sighting among Muggles, do your part and persuade the Muggle community into believing it is all a hoax or misidentification. Chris Conroy, part of the Ness Fishery Board and Muggle-born wizard, saw that a nine second video had been placed on their Twitter account and soon after explained that it was a video of the River Ness that runs out of the loch, and that the eel-like figure in the background could have easily been a log. His quick thinking saved a lot of paperwork and helped the Office of Misinformation officials do their job more effectively.

Nessie's New Theory

And as kelpies aren’t just found in Loch Ness, but worldwide, everyone can help Muggles stay unaware, no matter where they are from.

by Rhia1

TRUE KELPIES We all know that Nessie is a Kelpie who favors the image of a sea serpent. Nessie is also the largest Kelpie in existence to date. It also gives the Office of Misinformation an excess of paperwork each year. The office used to get 20 or more reports of sightings, but as Muggles developed technologically, sightings began to decline.

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Adventures in Wandsmithing The Discovery of Possible New Supreme Wand Cores Volume IV

By Rutherford Fuzzle

Wondrous salutations to you and your family! Rutherford Fuzzle here, reporting from the front lines of the battle for knowledge. I’ve just returned from my latest adventure with new information and a few new scars. It all started on one lazy afternoon. I was enjoying a cup of tea and listening to my record player. It was softly playing an album that Ulysses Maxwell had sent me from an American magical musical group called “The Fae Folks”. It was a present for helping with his jackalope issue, which you can read all about in the Winter 2019 issue of The Quibbler. He sent a postcard along with the record. It was finally determined that the Welsh Green Dragon he befriended had escaped from a magical circus that had been traveling through Montana at the time. He read a notice about it in his local magical newspaper. The dragon, which he named Jalapeño, seemed more than content to stay with Ulysses, so he didn’t bother contacting anyone. I

can’t blame him. Anyone who would try and force that dragon to do anything against its will better have their shield charms at the ready. It had been a quiet day. School had been back in session for a few weeks. With the rush of First-Years getting their first wands over, only a few people in the morning had come in for replacement wands. It had the makings of a delightfully calm afternoon until the thunderous crash through the front door. I rose from my chair to peer at what could have been the commotion. In a heap, I saw a dark skinned woman. She wore a black and red hijab and a black abaya. She held a blue bag, much too large to be a simple purse. She had fallen after coming in the front door. Scrambling, she kicked the door closed. She held the bag tightly while making a hasty crawl behind a shelf, desperate to get away from the front windows. Just as she got out of sight, a wizard peered through the front, wand in his hand. After a quick pass, he trudged off. The woman peeked around the corner, and let out a sigh of relief.

She scuttled farther into the corner, and took refuge next to a bookcase. Opening her bag, she gazed in and spoke, “Don’t worry. I won’t let them get you.” She was breathing heavily, exhausted from whatever brought her to my store. Confusion brought about curiosity and since there was no reason to be impolite I decided to speak up. “Welcome to my shop,” I began, which caused the young lady to jump in fear. She turned and pointed her wand at me, clutching her bag. “Who are you?” she asked in a quick rage. The wand popped and fizzled from a crack at the center. I put my hands up. A damaged wand is highly unpredictable. Any quick movement and I could be on the receiving end of an errant Depulso. I said in the calmest tone I could muster. “I am Rutherford Fuzzle, the owner of this establishment. What brings you to my shop?” While keeping her wand locked on me her eyes darted around the room, assessing her situation. She was about to start talking again when 97

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Everything here pointed to something nefarious. I knew there was trouble about, and I would not be one to cause more. someone came barging through the door. It was the same man that peered in the windows after the young lady came through. He had a rough look about him. He had a few faded scars on his face. His dark clothes and gruff demeanor gave him the look of one of the denizens of the various pubs of Knockturn Alley. He had a fresh bruise on his cheek. It was only minutes old if I had to guess. Before I could begin, he belted out, “You seen a girl runnin’ around wit a blue bag?” I’ve been all over the world and I can’t remember a smell worse

you.” “Mine works jus’ fine.” He said, looking around the shop. “There’s a dangerous girl about. She’s a thief and attacked me this mornin’. She stole sumfin’ from my master and I need to get it back.” Starting to feel this situation was a bit more complicated, I thought it was best to cut to the chase. “Then that sounds like a job for the local Aurors. Shall I contact them?” “I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” the man said in a snarl. “unless you want to see how good my wand works.” He looked menacingly in my eyes, a vain attempt to intimidate me. I could tell the man was not gifted with intelligence. Threatening a wandsmith in his wand shop is a very foolish 98

than this man’s breath. I almost gagged after his question. I turned to cough, looking to the young woman. I could see genuine fear in her eyes. I’m not claiming to be the best judge of character, but I can read a situation fairly accurately. Everything here pointed to something nefarious. I knew there was trouble about, and I would not be one to cause more. I turned back to meet the man, “No, it has been a quiet morning up until now. Are you in need of a new wand? I have several recently made from White Oak which I feel would work well for

idea. Either that, or the man was desperate to locate this young woman. Whatever the lady was carrying had to be of great worth. Rather than test out how well my Reparo spell could be after a battle in my own shop, I thought that words may be the better option over combat. “My good man.” I said, trying to keep my temper down, “I believe I have answered your question. Unless I can interest you in a new wand, I think it would be best if you saw yourself out.” His brow furrowed, “Nah, you know sumfin’. I can see it in your eyes.” His hand went to the inside of his coat, “Spill it or I’ll spill your guts.” He produced a walnut wand much faster than I anticipated. Before I could reach for my

wand, a labored, “Reducto!” coming from the young woman. Several cracks and pops later, a flash of red light struck the man, throwing him into a shelf of wands. Well, at least the morning was calm. I looked back to the lady, “Thank you for saving me,” I examined the chaos that now filled my store. “but I would appreciate some sort of explanation.” The wand stayed on target with me for the moment as she rose from the ground, “I’m not a thief.” she said in a shaky voice. “I never claimed you were.” I began casting Reparo on my shelves as I responded. “However, you did destroy a bit of my shop, albeit to save me from an attack. If you would kindly tell me what is going on, I

would be in your debt.” I stepped from behind the desk walking over to the unconscious man. After a quick Petrificus Totalus, I was more at ease that he was out of the fight. I turned back to the woman. Narrowing her eyes and clutching her bag, she said, “You could have given me up in a second, so let’s say I trust you. For now.” She lowered her wand and placed it on my desk. “You said you were a wandsmith, can you fix this?” I walked over and examined the wand. “Rose wood, very smooth.” I gave it a flex, “Very Sturdy Flexibility.” The end of the wand swayed at the crack. “Or at least, it was very sturdy. Dragon Heartstring core.” I gave it a flick to see what may have been left in the wand. It

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MAGICAL PLANTS AND CREATURES was quite the powerful wand. This made it all the more unfortunate when I was forced to give her the bad news. “Well?” she asked. “Is there anything you can do?” “I’m afraid that the core is severed. That Reducto spell was the last thing this poor wand had left. To my regret, it is beyond repair.” I placed it on the table. I always find that this is a hard time in any witch or wizard’s life. The passing of a wand can be similar to losing a limb. “No! I need to get out of here.” She looked to the still unconscious man. “He’s just the first of many that will be after

me.” Her voice was harried and desperate. “Without a wand, I’m as good as caught.” My curiosity at an all time high, I thought this was the perfect time to get some answers. “Well, you are in the right place for this situation. I will make you a deal. If you explain your predicament and what this is all about, I will provide you with a replacement wand, as long as one chooses you. I’ll let you pay me back later if you don’t have any galleons on you right now.” She looked at me, utterly perplexed. “Why would you do that?” “Let’s just say I’ve been in a few tight spots before.” Far

too many if you had asked Grandma Fuzzle. “I know when someone needs a helping hand. Also, I am in debt to you for saving me from an altercation with that ruffian.” She looked to the man, “I couldn’t just let you get attacked on my account. Especially after you tried to hide me from him.” “Wonderful, let us begin again.” I did a slight bow, “Rutherford Fuzzle, at your service.” She gave a slight nod, “Rayjah Al-Bakir. Before you do anything else, I think you should take a look in my bag to see what they are after.” She held it out for me to examine. “You may change your mind.”

I took a peek, making sure I was far enough away to avoid being grabbed by anything dangerous. I was still a bit unsure of what I would see, thinking it may be a bag of rare potion components. The blood drained from my face when I saw the occupant. Throat full of spikes, mace-like tail, face full of fury. It was a nundu. A real nundu. For those of you who have never been in the presence of a nundu, congratulations, you get to stay alive. If you have met a nundu and are reading this, you are one of the lucky few. These large cat-like creatures are said to only be able to be stopped

Brickles did not want to leave her, so the Blue Bag was created to serve as its home while she was in her dormitory.

by 100 witches and wizards working together. Their skin is nearly impenetrable and their breath is so toxic that it can wipe out entire villages. It was pacing back and forth in a small plain room. It took a couple quick sniffs and then looked up. We locked eyes and it lunged at me, fully intent on demonstrating its legendary power. Rayjah closed the bag just before its jaws were around my head. I leapt backwards, crashing over a stack of wand boxes. “Well?” She asked, “Are you having a change of heart?” I dug myself out of the rubble

and dusted myself off. “Well, I never go back on my word, so I will help. Any assistance I can offer to get you and your friend on your way would make me very happy.” I hastily began gathering wands. “Very happy indeed.” Rayjah began the short version of her story. She is from Istanbul, Turkey, and both her parents are magically inclined. She had befriended the nundu, named Brickles, when she was very young. She found it on the side of the road, half starved and alone. She had thought it was a mere house cat and brought it home.

It had been very sickly and weak when she first found it, but after many months of kindness it was healed. Rayjah says that Brickles never uses its poison breath under any circumstances, which made me feel only slightly less uncomfortable having it in my store. Once Brickles started to grow, it became apparent that it was no normal house cat. Once they realized what they had, she assumed it would leave or that her parents would take it to the authorities. To everyone’s surprise, Brickles stayed as calm and docile as any pet.

That, along with Rayjah’s pleas to keep her best friend convinced her parents to keep the beast. As the creature grew, the family installed a room with an Expanded Extension Charm for the beast to move about. At 11 she received her acceptance letter to Hogwarts, to the joy of her family. While it does allow pets, a nundu, no matter how tame, is a bit outside what they are comfortable with. Brickles did not want to leave her, so the Blue Bag was created to serve as its home while she was in her dormitory. She kept it hidden under her bed, but still did her 99

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After her graduation, she moved to London, looking for permanent work. “Someone must have seen in the Blue Bag while I was feeding Brickles,” she began. “I’m usually very careful, but people are everywhere around here.”

best to keep it company. It may have been a bit cramped, but Brickles was much more irritable when Rayjah wasn’t around, so it was the best option. Rayjah found the Room of Requirement in her 2nd year and made it into a bit of a preserve for Brickles. It formed a complete habitat for the beast and it was no longer forced to live in the Blue Bag. Only Rayjah was able to enter the room while Brickles was in there, so there was no danger to the rest of the students or faculty. For the rest of her time there, Brickles was able to run about and have the space it so desperately needed.

This morning, while she was in Diagon Alley, a gang accosted her and tried to steal the Blue Bag with Brickles in it. “I’ve always been good at combat charms. I was even thinking of becoming an Auror. The gang cracked my wand before anything else, but even with the broken wand I was able to knock out three of the gangsters.” She looked into the Blue Bag, trying to calm Brickles. “Brickles is too riled up with all the commotion. I’m nervous that she would attack everything in sight, so I can’t let her

I heard part of my front window smash and heard an audible slam as one of the ruffians was knocked to the ground. With the power she was able to get from that wand, I thought we were all set.

I knew that she was no ordinary witch. A cold sweat broke out as I realized which wand I should try next. I made a dash for the back of my shop. I was getting a wand I never thought would find a match. I was full of young foolishness to craft an item of such danger, never thinking I would find anyone that would be able to direct its power.

Much to my surprise she tossed it back to me saying, “No, not powerful enough. Throw me the next one.”

Brazilian Teak, Length - 13 ⅓”, Core Chimera Fang, Flexibility - Intractable.

Unicorn Hair, Flexibility - Sternly Set. She rose up from behind the counter, “Stupefy!” she yelled as a blast of energy came from the end of the wand.

At a loss for words, I threw her the next wand. Walnut, Length - 10 ¼”, Core - Thunderbird Tail Feather, Flexibility Obstinate. She dodged to the right, avoiding a streak of green energy and yelled, “Confringo!” My heart sank as I heard what was left of my front door explode outwards. “Ha!” Rayjah said joyously, “I knocked out two more with that blast, but not nearly as powerful as my last wand.” The walnut wand was passed back to me. “What else do you have?” I kept tossing her wands, six more to be precise. Each wand would produce fantastic effects in her hands, tossing attackers about my increasingly disintegrating shop. Each wand was passed back to me, clearly not strong enough for Rayjah’s skill.

100

Once word got out that she had a tamed nundu in her possession, it was only a matter of time before a nefarious group would be after her. A tame nundu would fetch a mountain of galleons in Knockturn Alley.

out to protect us.” Now, they were coming after her in earnest. She finished her story just as I had grabbed the last of the wands that I found to be good candidates for her. All similarly flexible with a few different cores that would match Dragon Heartstring. I knew from her wand that only a powerful wand with a powerful core was the only choice for her. I had an arm load of boxes, ready for her sampling when the front door blew open with a blast. I ducked behind the counter as Rayjah grabbed the blue bag and jumped over the counter, landing next to me. “OY!” the voice yelled from outside. “Toss the bag out ‘ere, an’ you won’ get ‘urt!” I yelled from behind the counter, “One moment please, I’m currently with a customer!” I looked at Rayjah, box in hand, “Shall we see which wand chooses you?” Her eyes narrowed and a smile crept onto her face. “I’d love to.” she replied as she tossed me the blue bag. I tossed her the first wand, White Oak, Length - 12 ½”, Core -

Today, I would put that to the test.

I tossed it to Rayjah. As it met her hand, the runes in the handle started to glow. Rayjah levitated several inches off the ground and every lightbulb in my shop grew brighter until they exploded at the same time. She returned to the ground, “Thank you, Mr. Fuzzle. I think my wand has chosen me.” She said with a transcendent look in her eyes. She was putting up shield charms and deflecting every incoming spell without breaking eye contact with me. She handed me the Blue Bag, “Please keep Brickles safe for a moment. You may want to seek shelter for what comes next.” “Duly noted! Please try to spare the record player!” I replied as I fled to the back of my shop, Blue Bag in hand. I ducked behind my sturdiest shelf and covered my head.

From the front, I heard Rayjah start her spell, “Bombarda…” It was at this point that I hoped she would miss the tea set I just purchased, “...MAXIMA!” A deafening explosion radiated from what used to be my front desk and I was knocked to the floor. Everything was dead quiet for several moments before I picked myself off the ground. I made my way through a thick cloud of dust as I approached the front of my shop. The front was littered with unconscious men and women, all dressed similarly to the original attacker. Rayjah was not lying when she said she was talented in charms. There was barely a shard of glass left from my front door and windows.

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This was a princely gift! A genuine nundu nail. I’ve never heard of any wand with such a core.

I made my way through the carnage to the street outside. More unconscious gangsters lay about. The chaos must have scared any bystander away as the normally busy street was completely desolate. The only person standing was Rayjah. She had a terrified man, seemingly the leader of this band, suspended in the air via Levicorpus. He had attempted to run away, but Rayjah’s new wand was more than enough to keep him in place. “You’ve been trying to steal from me all day.” Rayjah said, “You’ve been trying to take Brickles away and sell her, haven’t you?” The man was in a more agreeable mood after the altercation. “Yes! Forgive me! I’ll never come after you again!” Rayjah took the Blue Bag from me. “That is a wise decision. I’d hate to be forced to show you Brickles,” She opened the bag and a monstrous roar came from its depths. “NO! Anything but that! Call the Aurors! I’d rather be in Azkaban than in there!” Rayjah released him from her spell and he plummeted to the ground. A quick Immobulus and he was all ready for the local authorities. We could already hear the sirens in the distance. It was about time too. I barely had a shop left after all the action. My insurance agency is going to have quite the mountain of paperwork once I’ve filed my claims. When the Aurors did finally arrive, Rayjah and I gave our statements. We left Brickles out of the story, but explained everything else. Those gangsters were completely intent on getting the Blue Bag, which isn’t a lie. Just a purse-snatching that got a bit

out of hand. The gang was more than happy to hold their tongues after such a fight. No one wanted to end up on the wrong side of Rayjah after receiving such a thrashing. With all the criminals on their way to Azkaban, Rayjah and I were finally able to catch our breath.

ecstatic and set off sprinting through the vast savannah. Finally able to run about and stretch its legs, the magnificent beast was more than happy to explore the area Abraham prepared for her.

She apologized for the damage to my shop, “I am very sorry that I brought this situation to your store. I promise that I’m usually a much more amiable guest.” She said, looking at my shop, completely in tatters.

After several hours, Rayjah softly pet Brickles’ nose, “You can live here now. I’ll visit all the time, but you are going to be happy in your new home.” She turned to me, “Here. I’m sure you can use this to make a few wands to replace the ones I broke.” She handed me a cutting from one of Brickles’ nails. “It’s the least I can do for your kindness.”

Attempting to look on the bright side, I said, “Well, I could always use the Reparo practise.” I began casting it on the load bearing lumber first. “What are your plans for the future? Will you be staying in the city?”

This was a princely gift! A genuine nundu nail. I’ve never heard of any wand with such a core. Holding it in my hand, I knew that it would make a wand unlike anything I had ever made. I would need to save this for a very special piece of wood.

“Possibly. I’d still love to be an Auror, but this has taught me that I need a bigger place for Brickles. The city is far too dangerous of a place to keep him safe. I’ve only been here a week and look what has happened. Another month, and I’ll probably destroy half of Diagon Alley.”

What a day! It never seems to stop in my life. Try to enjoy a cup of tea and all of the sudden you are in the midst of another adventure. Try to listen to a few songs, and you are suddenly attacked by gangsters.

I was able to get the door rebuilt and back on the hinges, “Considering that last Bombarda spell, I think the Aurors would be lucky to have you on their side. As for Brickles’ future, I know of a magical creature preserve in South Sudan. An old friend of mine runs it and I happen to have a portkey that will take us there without delay.”

Knowledge has its own unique cost, and I am always willing to pick up the bill. Who knows what amazing things I’ll discover. Rest assured that I will keep you updated with any new journeys that life throws at me. You’ll be able to read all about it in the next entry of Adventures in Wandsmithing.

Rayjah was overjoyed and we set off once I had rebuilt some of the front windows. Reaching Abraham’s Magical Creature Preserve in South Sudan, Brickles was 101

QUIBBLER NEWS AND FEATURES

by Rhia1 Summer of 2020 is a big time for the No-Maj (American name for Muggles), as Warner Bros. is opening the world’s largest Harry Potter-themed store. It will be 20,000 sq. feet in size, covering three floors. This about the size of a full block and it is called the Wizarding World, at the corner of Broadway and East 22nd Street. Now this is a historical distract, so there are a number of things that can and can’t be done to the large building being used for the store. The concept originally placed

before the board was turned down, due to Warner Bros. wanting to put a dragon on the building. Their reason was that every other business would also be allowed to put large objects on their buildings, and it would distract the people visiting the area. A “wand-style” set of six flag poles was suggested, but is also a no-no for shops in the historic district. Because of this, those working on the project have to fix the design to meet criteria. However, the opening of the store, while not given an exact date, has not changed. Warner Bros. placed the 102

store in a prime location. With Harry Potter and the Cursed Child right down the street, the placement is even better as those who just finished the first part of the play don’t have to leave the Wizarding World to get a meal. That’s right, the store will sell Harry Potter snacks. But the store will also hold the largest collection of Harry Potter and Fantastic Beasts merchandise, from the food to collectables to outfits. Speaking of outfits, these will most likely consist of tees and such, but also costumes for those fans who cosplay, not just those that want to

shop for Halloween. On top of that, there are some house wands specially designed for this New York store in mind, making it the only place to get these wands for those who are avid collectors. While there is time for a redesign that is not as ostentatious, fans cannot wait to see what this store holds. And while visiting, why not see Harry Potter and the Cursed Child for the ultimate New York Wizarding World experience.

MEDDLEOFMYCAUSE

Hot off the presses! In the early morning of April first

Weasley briefly outlined his platform during the press

George Weasley, owner and co-founder of Weasley’s Wizard

conference, and it was obvious that he has some sweeping

Wheezes, has announced his run for Minister of Magic. At the

changes that he wants made.

press conference held this morning, Weasley stood beside his wife Angelina and their children Fred and Roxanne to

Universal Income- Weasley’s first big plan is to

announce his intent to join the race. Today was Weasley’s

implement a Universal Income, and change the

42nd birthday, and it appears he wanted to celebrate in

tax structure and public assistance plans. The Universal

style by kicking off his first ever political campaign.

Income would be 200 Galleons per month to every Wizard and Witch over the age of 17. This would help make sure

“The timing just felt right.” Weasley said, “There’s a lot of

that no Wizarding families have to live in extreme poverty,

things that I think should be changed, and I think I’m the

something very dear to Weasley’s heart. This change would

correct person to make those changes.”

come with some caveats, one change being heightening the tax rate to those making over 15,000 Galleons per

Weasley, a middle child of Arthur and Molly Weasley, first

year. To those who are making over 20,000 Galleons per

rose to public attention back in 1996, when he and his twin

year the Universal Income is basically entirely taken back

brother quit Hogwarts to open their first shop on Diagon

in taxes. Those making over 50,000 Galleons per year end

Alley. Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes, which now has seven

up paying over 500 Galleons per month in taxes, which

locations in the United Kingdom, is a shop specializing

will more than cover the Universal Income to the lower

in joke and prank items, though they also have a line of

income families. Weasley explained this would help to

self-defense merchandise and some sports gear. During

cut administrative costs of current social programs, and

the Second Wizarding War, George lost his ear and his

makes sure that all Wizards and Witches are able to live

twin brother, but emerged as a war hero. Brother to Ron

with dignity.

Weasley, the least-liked member of the Golden Trio, George fought alongside his entire family in the Battle of Hogwarts. 103

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Lower Retirement age- Weasley’s plan would

Elimination of the Trace- Weasley wants to remove

change the current retirement age from 135 to

the trace from underage Witches and Wizards.

75, which would allow new graduates to break into the

The trace, which is placed upon a youth’s receival of their

field they want to participate in. The retirement age

Hogwarts Letter, prevents the use of underage magic.

used to be 100, but was pushed up between the First

The Trace has come under scrutiny after it was revealed

and Second Wizarding Wars, due to the decrease in birth

by Head Auror Potter (George Weasley’s brother-in-

rates after so many deaths. Weasley says that now, with

law) that the trace is only enforced if magic is detected

attendance at Hogwarts back up into the thousands,

in households without a magical parent. This policy,

it’s time to lower the retirement age and allow the new

according to Weasley, is discriminatory against muggle-

generation to take over.

borns and should be eliminated.

Dragons- Weasley says that after having an older

Whether or not his campaign is successful, it’s clear that

brother who worked in Romania with Dragons

Weasley plans to shake up 2020 with a stunning election

for years (Charlie Weasley, current Professor in Care

cycle. His plans, though well-articulated, may cause some

of Magical Creatures at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft

strife in his family. When we asked our current Minister of

and Wizardry) that he believes that the restrictions

Magic on her feelings about the race, Minister Hermione

on Dragons in the United Kingdom need to be lifted.

Granger-Weasley seemed rather enthusiastic. “Oh, no, it’s

He proposes that we allow dragon breeding, racing,

been a thrilling morning to see that my brother-in-law has

and sales. He also would like to implement a selective

called a press conference to run a campaign against me.

breeding program to allow smaller, fire-free dragons

Who wouldn’t be overjoyed at that sort of news?” When

which could be kept as pets.

pressed further, she did express “Perhaps we should wait until it’s

New Curriculum at Hogwarts-

no longer April 1st before we start

Weasley feels that the current

discussing the race, let us not forget

curriculum at Hogwarts is stale and

that five years ago he did free 100

old. He wants an alternative to the

cornish pixies on Diagon Alley for

N.E.W.T. tract that students take

fun on April 1st.”

their 6th and 7th year, and instead offer them an apprenticeship tract.

Though Minister Granger-Weasley

He also believes that classes such as

doesn’t

maths, English, and science should

concerned, Mr. Weasley has assured

be added. He also wants to make

us that this campaign is very near

it easier for Magical graduates to

and dear to his heart, and that he

transition to the muggle world,

is very excited to be more in the

things like taking half-days to study

public eye. Time will tell on where

appear

highly

at Muggle high schools in 6th and 7th year in order to allow

this campaign will lead, but I’m sure that everyone here

them to have easier entrance into muggle universities. He

at the Quibbler is excited for debate season, which is set

also wants to add a business route, saying “It’s great to be

to begin in June.

able to graduate Hogwarts and know exactly how much ground moonstone to use in a potion to kill someone, but wouldn’t it be even cooler if graduates were able to help at a storefront instead? Let’s be honest, after going to Hogwarts most of us haven’t studied maths since we were 10. Do you know how hard it is to learn how to calculate sales tax with just a primary school education? Bloody ridiculous actually.” 105

QUIBBLER INSERT

106

NEWS AND FEATURES QUIBBLER

he third installment in the movie series following Newton Artemis Fido "Newt" Scamander and his involvement with Gellert Grindelwald will not be coming out in November of 2020. It will, in fact, be breaking with the tradition of its previous movies and the Harry Potter series. But first, let’s talk about the cast and crew. David Yates will be returning to film the third movie in the series. The currently known actors in the film are Johnny Depp as Gellert Grindelwald, Jude Law as Albus Dumbledore, Eddie Redmayne as Newt Scamander, Ezra Miller as Credence Barebone/ Aurelius Dumbledore, Katherine Waterston as Tina Goldstein, Dan Fogler as Jacob Kowalski, Alison Sudol as Queenie Goldstein, Callum Turner as Theseus Scamander, and Jessica Williams as Eulalie Hicks. There is no word on Claudia Kim reprising her role as Nagini at this time, nor are there any new names added to the credit list. And where will this latest adventure with the Magizoologist take us? We will be learning about the magical creatures of Brazil as Newt, Tina, and Jacob travel to Rio de Janeiro! What will we learn about Castelobruxo while there, or the sport of Quodpot? Will Dumbledore travel with them or will he remain at Hogwarts at this time? Why are they going to Brazil? Will they be able to save Queenie from herself? But the most important question of all: Is Credence really Aurelius Dumbledore?! I’m sorry, but this reporter must state that she was shocked by the reveal, but has some serious doubts about this claim. However, we have three more movies to look forward to, and hopefully, we get the truth in the end. What can you expect? Well, fans can expect to see a world of new creatures. In the first film (Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them), Frank the Thunderbird was created specifically for the film, and added to the Pottermore

site (now WizardingWorld.com), being used as one of the four Ilvermorny House symbols. He came with four other creatures, the Horned Serpent, the Hidebehind, the Snallygaster, and Wampus Cat. So, this could mean future magical creatures could be added to the magical world. As we don’t know much about Castelobruxo, this film could prompt Rowling to tell us all about this school as old as Hogwarts, or give filmmakers and writers a chance to build their own lore like they did with Frank the Thunderbird. You can also expect to see a deepening relationship between Newt and Tina, Grindelwald growing in power, and new secrets revealed. We may even learn more about some other characters, such as Queenie and Jacob, maybe even their connection to famous American Quidditch player, Quentin Kowalski. Of course, if Dumbledore doesn’t join Newt, he will be back at Hogwarts, working on a way to remove the blood pact that prevents him from his ultimate duel with and victory over Grindelwald. What creatures already exist that live in South America? Well, these creatures are found worldwide: • Ashwinder • Bundimun • Chizpurfle • Clabbert • Fairy • Flobberworm • Ghoul • Kneazle • Merpeople • Mooncalf • Plimpy • Puffskein • Fire Dwelling Salamander • Streeler • Werewolf • Winged horse This means that they are well known but may come in new forms to better fit into their environment. This would show that there is a kind of evolution in the wizarding world. For example, Winged horses could end up being smaller than their European counterparts to better maneuver the jungles, or Kneazles may be speckled like leopards to

better blend in. But what about the native South American creatures? Well, there is: • Amazonian Salamander • Dugbog • Nogtail • Caipora • Chupacabra • Crazed Capybara • Curupira • Fire Slug • Peruvian Salamander • Peruvian Vipertooth Fans already know that the Fire Slug was famously researched by Newt at some point, making it the most likely creature to appear in FB3. That being said, these other creatures may also make an appearance or mention in the movie, so keep your eyes and ears open. Finally, when will the movie be released? Well, for starters, filming will begin in spring of this year. As of right now, the release date is November 12, 2021, however, this may change for various reasons, so this is just the goal for filmmakers and production, not a set in stone date at this time. To be fair, this is a pushed-back date from the November 2020 date, as tradition is to have the films be released two years after the previous, but again, FB3 is breaking that tradition. This is not due to problems from actors or crew being unable to do it (or flat out refusing to do it) but with the size and scope of the film itself, as it is the biggest movie in the Fantastic Beast series. Because of the number of effects planned on being used, the locations needed for filming, and the number of extras needed, just getting started has pushed the date back a year so that the film won’t let fans down. With Rowling working on the script again, we can expect to see the wizarding world to come out in full storm once again. The plot itself is not released but some “leaks” have appeared, but these must be taken with a grain of salt. All in all, this film is going to be another box-office smash, and fans are eagerly awaiting news. For now, save up your Galleons, because this is shaping up to be a movie you won’t want to miss.

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THE

I AND

WONDERFUL WORLD OF

S P O R T S “THE ODD LITTLE STORIES FROM THE LAST SEASON”

As reported by u/res30stupid Since our Winter edition of The Quibbler, there have been many different stories of gossip, achievements, and oddities that have emerged since the Winter break. There haven’t been any outright large stories since most leagues have only recently returned and the majority of sporting events are set for March-December of this year. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t many stories to tell… Reports include a daring act of bravery and gall in the face of danger, an update to an earlier story involving the Japanese Quidditch League, and a reckless accusation that very nearly ruined a Muggle’s professional sports career. FRENCH BROOMRACER SAVES MUGGLES, STATUTE OF SECRECY French-German professional broom racing champion, Gabrielle Orson, has been hailed as a hero after saving the lives of Muggles at a large gathering, as well as preventing a violation of the Statute of Secrecy, after helping rescue a baby dragon that was smuggled into a French comic book convention in late February. Despite a strong magical heritage and her fame in the Wizarding community, Orson married a Muggle and is living in rural France where she raises her three children. It was at a family outing to Geek Days Rennes when she realized her calling as a witch was needed. 108

Having taken her youngest child to a backstage area to fix a self-made costume, Orson found out that a group of smugglers were trying to sell the freshly-hatched dragon to a Muggle in an out-ofthe-way cloakroom. Thinking quickly, she stunned the smugglers and Muggle, and helped calm the beast while also using a mobile phone to call her husband, instructing him to contact the French Ministry of Magic through a special hotline. Another witch in attendance, upon realizing that Aurors had arrived and were working, said: “Orson prevented a very real disaster today. They were keeping a dragon near the gas pipes, the idiots! Orson, who was snapped outside the Auror’s offices at the French Ministry, also surprisingly turned heads in her costume based on the French cartoon “Miraculous Ladybug”.

SPORTS QUIBBLER JAPANESE SPORTS MINISTER HOSTS MEETING FOR QUIDDITCH PLAYERS, HECKLED BY POWER RANGERS AND FRENCH MAIDS Another odd costume-related tale this issue. As some of you who have read our last issue are aware, the Japanese Quidditch League is in turmoil after the Captain of the national team, Yoichi Mitsuo, attacked a Muggleborn student who had won a prize in the Colin Creevey Young Photographers Competition, resulting in a mass protest against the team by Japanese players. In order to rectify the matter, Japanese Sports Minister Coda Yodo had invited all players to a

Even stranger, every male was dressed as a French Maid and repeatedly called him “Master” while every female showed up dressed as characters from the Super Sentai serial of Muggle television. “We were going to have the girls dressed as French maids and the guys dressed as Power Rangers,” a player who does not wish to be identified said to Kyoto Hitogami. “But we thought it’d be funnier to go the other way around.” While it was mostly done for wisecracks, it was undercut by the seriousness of the situation which was made clear that day; players would no longer tolerate Mitsuo’s antics and they stand firm on that front. CLAIMS THAT AMERICAN ATHLETE IS A HALF-BREED “UNJUSTIFIED, RECKLESS” YET TRUE The Magical Congress of the United State of America’s Aurors Office have decried the malicious reporting of an unnamed American student athlete - for being an undeclared halfbreed between a human and a cave troll - as a dangerous abuse of anonymous reporting, even when they verified the claim. The accused in question is, as the Aurors reported, “a Wizard who was removed by four generations to an ancestor who happened to be a giant, three to a troll, and who has a grandfather who happens to be a goblin.” “The student in question had made their intention to compete clear to us from the beginning and has been upfront and open to testing for magicallyassisted cheating,” said a spokesman for the office.

special assembly in the Japanese Ministry of Magic, in order to discuss and help fix the issues caused. But only a few days before the planned meeting on Monday 13th January, Minister Yodo said in a 10th January issue: “I’ll make those players kowtow to Mitsuo-san if it’s the last thing I do. He’s their captain so they should be at his beck and call.” As a result, the meeting was cancelled only fifteen minutes in, after every player in the Japanese league showed up in costume and proceeded to heckle the Minister.

They also noted that he was reported to the Muggle’s own student athlete organisation, the National Collegiate Athlete Association, in claims that they had taken illicit substances to boost their physicality beyond the scopes of normal human performance. The Aurors have declared that they would be looking into the false allegations because the claim, whilst true, was unfounded on the accuser’s part. There have also been claims that there was an ulterior motive for trying to get the accused removed from the team they were playing on.

109

QUIBBLER SPORTS AUSTRALIAN QUIDDITCH TEAM PRANKS NEWSPAPERS, FILES LAWSUIT The Wollongwong Warriors have drawn massive amounts of laughs from their supporters when it emerged that they - after a large number of negative publicity - had tricked national newspaper, The Australian Wanderer, into admitting that they were publishing stories about the team which were unfounded or unproven. In a report earlier this month, they leaked to a journalist that new teammate, Peter Marshall, was being investigated for illegally keeping a pet dragon on his property. The dragon, allegedly a Common Welsh Green called Elliot, was being kept in a rocky terrain, and fed sheep and kangaroos to domesticate it, as part of a plan to adopt the dragon as a mascot for the team. Aurors came to speak to Marshall… and left his private farm in hysterics.

Risastór chose not to retire and instead tried to keep flying with all of the substitute players, only to faint and fall from his broom. Referees slowed his descent with a charm and delivered him to waiting Healers where they tried to treat him but were flummoxed by his skin and lips turning blue, to their shock and confusion. That was when Howard Victorius leapt from the stand and started barking orders to the medics, instructing them to perform controlled transfigurations on Risastór’s and the other players’ skins, and ordered every player to strip out of their uniform.

Muggle medicine....

But any Muggles or Muggleborns reading this, may have caught on to the fact sooner than the journalists, that “Elliot” was real… as he’s a twenty-inch tall stuffed toy depicting the character of the same name from the 1977 Disney film, “Pete’s Dragon”. The Wollongwong Warriors have stated that they will take The Australian Wanderer to court for blatant misrepresentation of their athletes, stemming from a major investor in the paper being a part owner of the Thunderalla Thunderers. MUGGLE SPECTATOR SAVES QUADPOT STAR - HEALER COULD BE STRUCK OFF An American Quadpot star’s life was saved when a Muggle attending the debut match of the season with his Muggleborn sons teamed up with Healers to help him breathe due to atmospheric sickness. Bruce Risastór, the 53-year-old Offensive Tackle and captain for the New York Olympians, stunned fans with the rest of his team thanks to a new training regimen which made the entire team “bigger, stronger, and faster than before,'' creating a devastating lead in the opening game of 63-7 in only an hour. But that hour was devastatingly cut short when all of the Olympians’ players had to ground, claiming to suffer from shortness of breath.

110

Victorius, an ambulance driver, also sent his sons to their waiting car and brought out a tank of oxygen which he instructed Risastór to use to breathe, helping revive the athlete. The game was stopped by sports officials and all of the Olympians’ players were taken to hospital. “What happened is actually rather simple,” Victorius said to American Games Authority officials later that day. “Their new training regimen was too good. I do a lot of professional work with strongmen so I see this all the time. “The body uses oxygen from the air to power a lot of functions, from thinking in the brain to basic movement which is controlled by the muscles,”

INSERT QUIBBLER he clarified. “These guys, in the space of a few months, became absolute tanks, but their bodies are using up oxygen far too quickly. “Oxygen is more concentrated on the ground,” he continued. “But becomes less so the higher in altitude you climb; this is why mountaineering isn’t recommended for those with shortness of breath. I’ve seen Muggle powerlifters and strongmen suffering the same problem after performing extreme and quick feats of strength and passing out. These guys are performing a sport which is a more endurance-based event for longer, higher in the air, and making these Muggle athletes - who can

investing in this workout regime. During the charity gala known as the Massachusetts Remembrance Ball, the octogenarian turned heads when he showed up - not with his typical round gut - but with a powerful figure that looked like it was going to burst out of his dress robes, and which had indeed split the seams of his upper arms. Some have also reported that Morsorelli was apparently “half a foot taller”, but these claims aren’t yet proven. He was certainly proud of himself, beaming throughout the night. But during a press conference on the 28th January to discuss the issue, the owner’s powerful body looked rather strange on the clearly meek man who remarked, “Things have gone pair-shaped.” According to the American Games Authority, they would have to take extreme action over the devastating events during the opening game of the season, but said they couldn’t really do much in this instance. That’s because they are working with the American Healers’ Association to possibly get the team’s resident Healer struck off for putting the athletes in unnecessary danger. “We took one look at his research,” a spokeswitch said. “And we found that most of it was fabricated to hide the side-effects.

...and magic go from 240 to 400lbs - look small. They could’ve suffocated up there.” This was no exaggeration on the doctor’s part. The Olympians’ current owner, Umberto Morsorelli, proudly boasted that he had worked with the team’s own resident healer and coaches to develop a training regimen that would “combine the dedicated training that Muggle athletes use to hone their bodies with only the best of magical research” and that “when the league begins again in late January, broom makers will have to work extra-hard in case we need to replace brooms mid-match, just from accidentally breaking them.” These claims seem prideful, but Morsorelli had also remarked that he had himself been personally

“To put it simply, humans are not meant to be so big, with or without magic. Their bones aren’t dense enough to support their own weight and throwing your arm could snap the bone completely. The pressure the blood needs to be under to support that kind of stature would cause multiple arteries to burst. “Their internal organs are also not big enough to support themselves either; stomachs can’t hold enough food to provide enough nutrients, lungs can’t breathe enough oxygen from the air, their hearts are too small to pump blood.” When asked to explain how Victorius helped save their lives, she said, “He told the Healers to give them the same skin as a frog since they could breathe through the skin. Removing their uniforms increased the surface area that was open to the air, letting them breathe more.” Other side effects of this disastrous training regimen include abnormal height growths, severe 111

QUIBBLER INSERT irrational anger, coughing up fire, and skin rashes which appear similar to scales. For this reason, the Olympians have had to submit themselves to medical treatment with word being that the team’s entire 2020 season could be cancelled outright. MUGGLEBORN ENTERS DUELLING CONTEST, COMES SECOND PLACE AHEAD OF GRANDMASTERS Despite obvious ridicule from the seasoned competitors who had also arrived at the Toronto Duelling Meet, one of the most prestigious duelling competitions in the world, a Muggleborn student from Ilvernormy, had managed to best some of the top professional duellists and come an astounding second place, and has been offered an apprenticeship by current world Number One, Welshman Elwain Jones. The student, a Mr Joseph Abernathy (16), had saved up the 1,000 Dragot entry fee from doing work and tutoring around his school, and entered the tournament in a white buttoned shirt, blue tie and beige trousers which looked out of place compared to the tailored duelling uniforms made of fine linens and leathers tailor-fit for each competitor. But when he stepped up to his first duel, he managed to score an unprecedented first-round knockout against his competitor, a 43-year-old duellist from Thailand. In the Round Robin-style competition against sixteen people, points are scored as one point earned for each round of a match, in a competition where each match is best-five-out-of-nine, allowing a maximum of five points per match and 75 points maximum throughout the entire tournament. Abernathy managed an unprecedented 68 points, based on 13 wins, one close loss and an absolute thrashing from Elwain Jones, who was undefeated throughout the entire tournament “He’s got a lot of potential.” Jones smirked before taking the podium. “I’ve never seen someone use charms in that capacity since Flitwick was active.” Elwain Jones took 20,000 Dragot in prize money while Joseph Abernathy took home 10,000 which he said will go on trying to improve his chances 112

to go competitive. Jones decided to cut out the middleman and directly approach Abernathy, his parents, and the staff at Ilvernormy about taking the young student on as an apprentice.

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Muggle Candy Worth Traveling For South East Asia Edition by Eldis Okay okay, I know what you’re going to say, I should have asked for the credentials of that flying carpet rental guy. But in my defense, I do not speak a word of Nepali and Starflashfairy has increased my rent because my pet raccoon Saccuarius accidentally broke a couple of her crystal balls ‘trial is in my stars’, so I had to go somewhere cheap. So this crash-landing on top of this Myanmaran Buddhist temple in the middle of Bagan is not entirely my fault. And at least we are in our country of destination! And at the most well-known spot in this country too. See, we’re not just traveling around the world to taste candy, we’re also doing it to win a bet see the sights! This city was founded in the second century AD, and between 1044 and 1287 the people here built approximately 1000 stupas, 10,000 small temples and 3000 monasteries in an area of 104 square kilometres. Isn’t that awesome?! The Myanmaran people aren’t only prolific builders, they are also experts on food. The peanut rolls sold here, for example, are absolutely delicious. Peanuts are harvested locally, which means 114

that a lot of food and snacks are very nut-heavy. So please cast an invisible Bubble Head Charm and don’t eat anything if you have any nut-related allergies. They put peanuts in everything. They even make peanut wine! Coconuts, too, are used frequently. They collect a sweet sap from the stems of the coconut tree’s leaves and boil it until it becomes a thick syrup. from that they make sugar or they mix it with some shredded coconut to make clumps of incredibly sweet candy, called Jaggery. Coconut cream, semolina, sugar and egg

Photo courtesy of HuffPost

are mixed to create Sanwin Makin, or Shwe Kyi, cake-like treats often topped with sesame or poppy seeds, and tamarind flakes are delicious sour-sweet disk-shaped treats that melt in the mouth. So, now that we’re all on a sugar high, let’s cross the border to

Thailand, where we’ll move on from pure sugar to something marginally more healthy. Khao Tom Mud, Banana leaf sticky rice, for example. It has to be healthy, it has ‘banana’ right there in the name. It is made from sticky rice, coconut milk, sugar and sweet beans, wrapped in a banana leaf to make one delicious treat. Sticky rice paired with bananas and shredded coconut creates Khanom Gluay, a beautiful great dessert. The colour is created by adding soaked Pandanus leaves to the dough. Sticky rice can be paired with almost everything, including mango, black beans, custard or overripe bananas. The latter is made by wrapping the banana in roasted unripened sticky rice and coconut before being fried, absolutely delicious! Tong Yord, round egg yolk tarts, are a gorgeous yellow colour and incredibly sweet. It can also be shredded to make Foi Tong. Not ready to say goodbye to the coconut? Try Woon Ma Plow or Khanom Chun, two kinds of coconut jelly, or coconut ice cream. Durian crisps are nice and starchy but still sweet. Roti Sai Mai can look a bit off-putting at first, but are very delicious. These pancakes are filled with cotton candy, which

INSERT QUIBBLER can look like hair. That may sound unappetising, but don’t let that keep you from trying one! Wandering through the streets in the cities of neighbouring Laos will give you the opportunity to try some Khao Nom Krok, tiny puffed-up pancakes made with rice flour and coconut milk and served on banana leaves. They are quite crispy, but the inside is nice and soft and melts in your mouth. This treat does differ per region, though, and are available stuffed with meat if you go further south. If you are already missing the plethora of sticky rice treats we tried in Thailand there is no need to worry, as they are even more popular

Photo courtesy of So Many Miles

here. The Lao call themselves ‘luk khao niauw’, children of sticky rice. The beautifully coloured Cendol is a nice way to cool down on a hot day. It can either be drunk, when palm sugar, green jellies, coconut milk and shaved ice is put into a tall glass in that order, or eaten, when the green jellies are served either on top of rice or alongside sweetened red beans. Vietnam offers us the Chè Ba Mau, or three coloured dessert. Although this can be customised at will, the basic recipe is made with a layer of yellow mung bean paste underneath a layer of red beans, topped with green pandan jelly and coconut milk. Chè Bắp, made with sweet corn and rice also creates a refreshing drink, as does Chè

Trôi Nướ c, a sweet soup served with ginger sauce. Not a big fan of ginger? Try Chè chuối, made with banana, peanuts, sesame seeds and hot coconut milk. Whist seeing the sights you can snack on some dehydrated sweet melon, carrot, water chestnut, potato or coconut candy, or maybe a handful of roasted melon seeds. Down in Malaysia you simply have to stop to try some Apam Balik, immense pancake-like treats that exists in various forms. It is usually filled with sugar, peanuts and occasionally corn, but Apam Balik can also be filled with chocolate sprinkles or cheese. Blue rice is not necessarily a sweet, but the color is so pretty that I had to include it. Maybe eat it alongside some Roti Canai, a light flatbread with spicy dips if you are sick of the multitudes of sugar we have consumed so far. The structural engineers amongst us will enjoy Roti Tisu, a paper-thin roti in the shape of a teepee with a sugar undercoating. It is very tall, and the challenge is to eat it from the top down without making the roti collapse. If you visit some magical restaurants they have enchanted versions which float or move, making this even more of a challenge. The best part is that this is a game you cannot lose, because whether it collapses or not you still get to eat this delicious treat! If you want to cool down after that intense concentration, try some Ais Kacang, a mountain of colourful shaved ice topped with jelly, corn, red beans or ice cream. For the cake fans, we have Batik cake, a delicious chocolate cake with biscuits in it, and Saraw Layered cakes in beautiful colours.

palm sugar. It is rolled in coconut flakes, creating a treat that literally explodes in your mouth as the warm sugar is released when you bite into the soft exterior. Our final stop this edition is Indonesia. If you liked the red beans we have been eating so far, try some Es Kacang Merah, red bean ice. Not a fan? Spekkoek, or layer cake, is absolutely delicious as well. It is sweet and very filling, and goes great alongside a big scoop of mango, green tea or vanilla ice cream, or paired with a good cup of tea or coffee. You can buy Es Campur from a street vendor. The ingredients will vary, but the main ones are shaved ice, coconut, grass jelly, condensed milk and various fruits. Kue Ape is also sold on the street. These thin crepes with a fluffy green centre are very popular among school children. You will also find street vendors selling Gorengang, meaning ‘fried food’. You can buy fried banana, cassava, tofu, yam, tempeh and much more. For those looking for a more savoury treat, you have to try some Kroepoek or Kerupok. Whilst it is usually made with prawns, cassaverkroepoek is suitable for vegetarians. But that is all we have time for, I just heard we’ve been cleared by the magical ministry of China to enter their territory. Let’s continue our adventure there next time! Photo courtesy of Wikipedia

Singapore offers us Ondeh Ondeh, a gooey dough made with rice and filled with gulak melaka, coconut 115

QUIBBLER TRAVEL

Sanwin Makin

Apam Balik

Ingredients

• • • • • • • • •

83 grams (½ cup) of semolina 113 grams (½ cup) of caster sugar 443 grams (1 ½ cups) of coconut cream Coconut cream is different than coconut milk! 28 grams (2 tablespoons) of unsalted melted butter 2 eggs, separated pinch of salt bit of ground cardamom (optional) sesame seeds as topping (optional)

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 160 Celsius (320 Fahrenheit) degrees 2. Mix the semolina with coconut cream in a pan 3. Mix in the sugar 4. Bring to a boil, continue to stir, and once it begins to thicken add the butter. 5. Stop stirring and remove from heat when the dough pulls away from the sides of the pan. Add the salt, cardamom and egg yolks. 6. Beat the egg whites and gently mix them with the dough. 7. Put in baking pan and bake for 45 minutes 8. Sprinkle with sesame seeds immediately after removing the Sanwin Makin from the oven. 9. Cut into diamond pieces. 10. Enjoy!

Sources • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

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• • • • • • • • • •

200 ml milk 60 ml oil 2 eggs 160 grams of what flour 3 tsp of baking powder pinch of salt 25 grams butter Oil or butter (for the pan) peanuts & creamed corn, as filling. Other fillings are possible too!

Directions:

1. Mix the milk, oil and egg together. 2. Add the flour, baking powder and salt, mix until it forms an even batter 3. Butter the pan and spread some batter into the pan, make sure a thin layer of batter sticks to the side. 4. Cover the pan for 30 to 60 seconds until small air bubbles appear. 5. Spread some butter, creamed corn, crushed peanuts and sugar on top of the pancake and fold it in half. 6. Enjoy your home-made Apam Balik!

Great thanks to the members of /r/Ravenclaw for their input, especially /u/dr4gonbl4z3r https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bagan#History http://mindfulwanderlust.com/foodofmyanmar/ https://www.globeslice.com/myanmar-farm/ https://www.196flavors.com/burma-sanwin-makin/ https://migrationology.com/thai-desserts-khanom-wan-thai-the-ultimate-thailand-sweets-guide/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Thailand/comments/2pkfa5/what_thai_candy_or_sweet_things_can_you_recommend/ https://www.tripsavvy.com/every-type-of-food-to-try-in-laos-4151277 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lao_cuisine#Desserts https://www.authenticfoodquest.com/popular-vietnamese-desserts/ https://worfung.com/snacks/ https://www.nyonyacooking.com/recipes/apam-balik~SJ5WuvsDf9WQ https://theculturetrip.com/asia/malaysia/articles/21-best-dishes-malaysia/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malaysian_cuisine#Desserts_and_sweets https://factsofindonesia.com/traditional-indonesian-desserts https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Es_campur https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kue_ape https://trip101.com/article/street-foods-to-try-in-jakarta

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HOROSCOPES QUIBBLER

HOGWARTS HORROR-SCOPES Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!

CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL

GEMINI THE VEELA

(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)

(MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH)

LIBRA THE DRAGON

(SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND)

Kdkd, L ehw brx wkrxjkw wklv zdv dq dfwxdo .... .- .... .- --..-- / .. / -... . - / -.-- --- ..- / - .... krurvfrsh! Dsulo Irro'v! --- ..- --. .... - / - .... .. ... / .-- .- ... / .- -. / .-.-. - ..- .- .-.. / .... --- .-. --- ... -.-. --- .--. . -.-.-/ .- .--. .-. .. .-.. / ..-. --- --- .-.. .----. ... -.-.--

AQUARIUS THE KELPIE (JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH) Haha, anha bet yer dirge jin ki at actual horoscope! april tokik's!

CANCER THE FIRECRAB (JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND) Ryry, E pad oui druikrd drec fyc yh yldiym runucluba! Ybnem Vuum'c!

PISCES THE MERMAN (FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH)

LEO THE SPHINX (JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND) 48 61 68 61 2c 20 49 20 62 65 74 20 79 6f 75 20 74 68 6f 75 67 68 74 20 74 68 69 73 20 77 61 73 20 61 6e 20 61 63 74 75 61 6c 20 68 6f 72 6f 73 63 6f 70 65 21 20 41 70 72 69 6c 20 46 6f 6f 6c

ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF

27 73 21

(MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH)

VIRGO THE UNICORN (AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)

SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE

TAURUS THE WEREWOLF (APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH) 01001000 00101100 01100010 01111001 01110100 01100111 01110100 00100000 00100000 01100001 01100001 01101111 01100011 00100001 01110010 01000110

01100001 00100000 01100101 01101111 01101000 01101000 01101000 01110111 01100001 01100011 01101100 01110010 01101111 00100000 01101001 01101111

01101000 01001001 01110100 01110101 01101111 01110100 01101001 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101111 01110000 01000001 01101100 01101111

00100111 01110011 00100001

01100001 00100000 00100000 00100000 01110101 00100000 01110011 01110011 00100000 01110101 01101000 01110011 01100101 01110000 00100000 01101100

(OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST) haha, actual horoscope ghotvam'e' DaHar'a' bet jIH! april qoH!

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