Castles and Burrows

- Eldis_

Idon’t know about you all, but I love walking through IKEA. There is something about those high ceilings, clearly-marked meandering pathways, the absurd amount of couches grouped, and the presence of other people discussing furniture to buy that is just highly calming to me. I remember going to IKEA reasonably regularly, at least twice a year, with my parents. My mum and I would stroll past those tiny rooms and ruthlessly criticise the way they were designed and decorated. Fake flowers? Those will become dusty in no time, and they are a nightmare to clean. Cupboards with glass doors? You’re never going to keep the inside of those cupboards neatly organised and clean, and those windows will be covered in fingerprints by you before you know it. The drawers will be impossible to open with that handle if you’ve got dirty hands whilst cooking. And that desk will never have enough room for all the documents—stuff like that.

After walking through the entire top floor, we, being IKEA family members, would pause for a free coffee or tea and maybe a tiny sweet treat at the restaurant before continuing our journey down the escalators to the ground floor, continuing our evaluation of the products on display. Not consistently negative, very frequently very positively as well. Ooh, if you do that, the light dims? And look how smart you can collapse this, so it doesn’t take up that much space! And before paying for our stuff, we visited the bargain-deal corner too,

QUIBBLER CASTLES AND BURROWS after which maybe (if I practised my puppy-eyes well enough) I could also buy an ice cream cone and a coin so I could ‘tap’ my ice cream.

As you can read, I have many happy memories at IKEA.

Now that I have moved out of my parental home and into the Quibbler tower, I live closer to an IKEA than when I grew up. And it is incredible. Whenever I get stuck with an article, can’t bring myself motivated, or get a mind-shattering anxiety attack that I cannot escape from, I just grab my quills, ink and parchment and get myself to IKEA. Just simply sitting there in the restaurant, with two or three free coffees. The trick is to get two or three mugs since. Being an IKEA Family member, it’s free anyway. You can pretend it’s for friends who are already seated somewhere, and then get one or two fancy coffees for taste and then a black coffee for the caffeïne. Alternatively, just get a whole bunch of tea because those mugs are super tiny), and let that creativity flow! The delicious €0,95 chocolate chip cookies help too. And since this means I had to exit my house, travel to IKEA and then sit down there in different surroundings than my anxiety attack started, it usually means my brain calms down a bit.

But because I want my brain to keep calming down when I enter an IKEA, I also visit the place when I am doing very well and when I am thrilled because I don’t want my brain to make the ‘IKEA= anxiety attack’ link. So, essentially every time I exit IKEA, I leave it happier than I entered it. One can directly graph the quality of my mental health compared to the time it has been since my last visit to IKEA. Also, a direct graph of the number of eggs I’ve hatched in Pokemon Go and the number of times I have recently visited IKEA, since I, on my phone, am entirely dependent on wifi and therefore can’t make any kilometres in the game. However, two rounds through IKEA (one round But, as you might have guessed. IKEAs in my country are closed for lockdown reasons. Every time I see that blue building when travelling to and from work, my heartaches. And the worst thing about the three times I have been tested (negatively, luckily) for COVID. Isn’t that weird feeling in your nose whilst they are testing you? Or the nerves, refreshing the results page every ten seconds when you get home or the fear I might have already infected someone else with COVID before I got myself tested. No, the worst thing is that the testing location is directly next to the closed and dark IKEA, with its empty parking lot and tied-down flags. In the times I need to visit the IKEA the most, I cannot. It is genuinely poetic cruelty. This all reminds me of Ron’s emotional range being a teaspoon; I am once an inch away from the emotional explosion :/

There is one spot of light on the horizon, though. We are now allowed to book a timeslot to enter stores, which includes IKEA. So, whilst my beloved restaurant remains closed, and I cannot enjoy a calm stroll through the store, I will be able to visit soon to pick up a plant, a bookcase and a new weckpot. And to pop by the bargain-corner, of course.

Iknow we all miss going to restaurants, and even though I didn’t frequent restaurants even Back In The Normal Days, I miss the authentic Dutch pancake restaurants. No matter how hard you try, you can never make a pancake restaurant pancake at home, yourself. Every kitchen consists solely of wizards proficient in wandless magic, making pancakes no muggle can replicate at home. But although pancakes are delicious, and I do sincerely miss the Real Deal, that is not the whole extent of what a pancake restaurant is about. Because an authentic Dutch pancake restaurant has this unexplainable vibe known as “gezellige”, it should have a little play space for kids. It also needs a cup with crayons or coloured pencils on the table, and paper placemats with the menu on one side and a black-andwhite ganzenbord game which you can colour with the previously mentioned pencils, on the other. ‘Ganzenwho?’ I hear you ask? Well, let me share with you the joy, pleasure and competition that is ganzenborden or ‘geese boarding’.

You will need

DUTCH PANCAKES [for +- 12 pancakes]

Ingredients: • 300 gr flour • Pinch of salt • Two eggs • 500 ml milk [semi-skimmed] • Two tablespoons of vanilla sugar or one 8 gr bag of Dr Oetker

Vanilla Sugar • Butter for baking • Optional: cinnamon 1. Mix the flour, salt and sugar and, if you want, add some cinnamon. 2. Add the eggs and gradually mix in the milk whilst whisking [by hand] continuously. 3. Heat a frying pan. 4. The batter should be easily pourable without any clumps. It should have a more liquid structure than yoghurt! These are

Dutch pancakes we’re baking, not thick American ones! 5. When your frying pan is sufficiently warm*, grease it with some butter 6. Pour in a bit of dough, lifting and tilting the pan to make it spread out over its bottom. 7. Temper the heat a bit and bake until the top is dry 8. Flip the pancake around and bake until both sides are golden brown Enjoy warm with (powdered) sugar, Nutella, jam, honey, syrup, blueberries, blackberries, warm applesauce. For the experienced baker, you can also add some thinly sliced apple, banana or pineapple immediately after pouring the dough into the pan. Once it’s done baking, throw some raisins, sugar & cinnamon on there for peak deliciousness! * you can test this by dipping a fork in water and letting a drop fall from it into the pan. If it immediately evaporates, it is not warm enough. If the drop ‘dances’ around the pan, it is.

• 2 D6 • At least one person to play with you (the official rules state that 2-6 people can play, but you are your independent person who can make their own decisions) • One token for each player The game’s ultimate goal is to arrive at the end of the board: square #63. However, you are but a tiny little golden snitch, and there are many dangers on your path to victory!

Decide who gets to go first. The more arbitrary the reason, the better. The person with a unique eye colour, the one who got their hair cut most recently, the one who did schedule

an appointment with their dentist when they reached the reminder.

Or just let everyone roll one dice, and the person who rolled highest can start. After that, the turn moves clockwise. If you land on an already occupied spot, you will have to return to the place you left from.

On each player’s turn, they roll both dice. The number of eyes is the number of spots you can go forward. If you, on your first throw, roll a five and a 4, you can move on to nr 53. These rules only count when you throw to leave ‘start’.

Along the path are various spots with a picture rather than a number. These will determine your road to success.

• If you land on a picture of a golden snitch, luck is in your favour! You have to move the same number of spots forward again! • So if you rolled a four and a 1, and you landed on a golden snitch, you have to move another five steps forward during your turn. • If you land in the boats to

Hogwarts [#6], you get to move to #12 • If you land in the Leaky Cauldron[#19], you need to skip one turn • If you land in the dungeons [#31], you need to wait until one of your fellow players passes you by. If there are no players behind you, skip two turns •If you land in the Triwizard Tournament’s maze [#42], you

need to return to #39 • If you land in Azkaban, you need to wait until one of your fellow players passes you by. If there are no players behind you, skip two turns • If you get hit with the Killing Curse [#58], I am afraid you have passed away. You need to return to ‘start’ and begin your journey anew.

If you have braved all these dangers and #63 is in sight, you might feel like victory is yours. And it might as well be, but only if the dice are in your favour, for you need to land precisely on #63. If you have landed safely on #59, and you roll a five and a 4 (making a total of 9), II fear you will end up being hit by the killing curse. You have to move your token precisely the number of eyes on your dice so that this roll will land you from 59 ⇒ 60 ⇒ 61 ⇒ 62 ⇒ 63 ⇒ 62 ⇒ 61 ⇒ 60 ⇒ 59 ⇒ 58.

CHEAT SHEAT • Golden snitch - move the same # forward again • Hogwarts boats [#6] - skip ahead to #12 • Leaky Cauldron [#19] - skip one turn • The dungeons [#31] - wait until one of your fellow players passes you by. No players behind you? Skip two turns. • Triwizard Tournament’s maze [#42] - return to #39 • Azkaban - wait until one of your fellow players passes you by. No players behind you? Skip two turns. • Killing Curse [#58] - return to start