HorosCopes

HOGWARTS HORror-SCOPES

Madam Starflash Sees what (mis)fortunes will befall you this season!

CAPRICORN THE THESTRAL

(DEC. 22ND — JAN. 19TH)

The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person But, you know they're lying If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows And never, never, never, never, never leave my house again

AQUARIUS THE KELPIE

(JAN. 20TH — FEB. 18TH)

There's travel in your future When your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus Fill that void in your pathetic life By playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day

PISCES THE MERMAN

(FEB.19TH — MARCH 20TH)

Try to avoid any virgos or leos with the ebola virus You're the true Lord of the dance No matter what those idiots at work say

ARIES THE HIPPOGRIFF

(MARCH 21ST — APRIL19TH)

The look on your face will be priceless When you find that 40 pound watermelon in your colon Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

TAURUS THE WEREWOLF

(APRIL 20TH — MAY 20TH)

You will never find true happiness What you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep

GEMINI THE VEELA

(MAY 21ST — JUNE 20TH)

Your birthday party will be ruined Once again by your explosive flatulence Your love life will run into trouble When your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest

CANCER THE FIRECRAB

(JUNE 21ST — JULY 22ND)

The position of Jupiter says that You should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

LEO THE SPHINX

(JULY 23RD — AUGUST 22ND)

Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt And staple it to your bosses face, oh no Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding Then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry quik

VIRGO THE UNICORN

(AUGUST 23RD — SEPT. 22ND)

All virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent, except for you Expect a big surprise today When you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick

LIBRA THE DRAGON

(SEPT. 23RD — OCT. 22ND)

A big promotion is just around The corner for someone much more talented than you Laughter is the very best medicine Remember that when your appendix bursts next week

SCORPIO THE VAMPIRE

(OCT. 23RD — NOV. 21ST)

Get ready for an Unexpected trip When you fall screaming from an open window Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

SAGITTARIUS THE CENTAUR

(NOV. 22ND — DEC. 21ST)

All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them) Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine, you've got hanging in your den

Credit: Weird Al Yankovic, “Your Horoscope For Today”