The Jewish Star March 18, 2011

ha-MAN-tosh ON THE STREET question Page 10 Food secrets of the Megillah Page 7 Purim “it’s not” news Page 8 Hebrew only please! Double the fun Page 6

PURIM EDITION

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THE JEWISH VOL 10, NO 11 ■ MARCH 18, 2011 / 12 ADAR II, 5771

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Obama’s birth certificate is found

One on one with Moses

He’s Jewish!

Exclusive interview

President Obama’s real name is Baruch Chaim Abramowitz. He is Jewish and was born in Haifa not Hawaii. The right-wing Orthodox Jewish community is perplexed with this new developmexnt. On the one hand he’s not an American citizen, so therefore he can’t be president anymore. On the other hand he’s Jewish.

The president when asked about this new development said, “I was just as surprised as the next guy to learn about this. My wife, of course, is shpilkis over the whole thing. With all that I’m dealing with domestically and internationally, I need this like a luch in kup.”

In a related story, Vice President Joe Biden converted to Islam and wishes to be called Yusef ibn b’den. He said, “Now I can finally fly around and no one will bother me.”

By David F. Nesenoff David F. Nesenoff: Thank you for the interview and Happy Purim.

Moses: It’s a pleasure to speak with you but I would have thought you would want to interview Mordechai this time of year.

I’m kind of a Passover guy.

DFN: Well, Mordechai has an exclusive with the Five Towns Jewish Times and he’s not allowed to talk with us, you know how it is.

M: I’ve been retired for a while, but I’m glad to tell you what I can.

DFN: Thank you. Can I call you Moshe?

M: I prefer Moses. I’m trying to go for that hip contemporary sound. It’s part of my kiruv strategy.

DFN: So, Moses, what do you think of the Jewish people today?

M: I love that Steven Spielberg; he’s terrific, I could watch E.T. over and over again.

Photo by Aaron HaKohen

Moses the Lawgiver, seen here at a recent Retired Jewish Leadership Conference in Boynton Beach, Florida.

DFN: I was talking about Klal Yisroel, Am Yisroel, Bnai Yisroel.

M: Oh, they’re okay I guess. I can’t complain, and if I did who would listen?

(Laughs) But I really like that Spielberg.

Shabbat Candlelighting: 6:47 p.m. Shabbat ends 7:49 p.m. 72 minute zman 8:17 p.m. Torah Reading Parshat Tzav This Shabbos is Shabbos Zachor

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PURIM Hagbah Weight lifting class The Hagbah Weight Lifting Gym and Fitness Center now offers Torah scroll workouts.

Lifting for right or left arm strength can be developed with the scrolls set for Bereishis or Dvarim parshas. Geleilah spotters are there to help and make sure that the Torah does not fall which would cause the neighboring Tzom Diet Plan Center to offer their expertise.

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OU has new kashrus program

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Inside

For years OU has been involved in what goes into the mouth. Now under a new program developed by Rabbi B. Amensh, OU will also be certifying that which comes out of the mouth. For those who speak with Derech Eretz and Chesed, a Glatt kosher certification will be endorsed. On the other hand to those who can’t seem to talk nicely Eesh L’reAyhu, one to his neighbor, or with Lashon Harah, OU will be designating a Treifah L’gamrey stamp of disapproval. Rabbi Amensh said, “We our now preparing a special designation for those who speak nicely but are just plain boring; they will be Parve.”

WINNER!

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2010 Oppenheim Toy Portfolio Gold Seal Award; 2010 National Parenting Center Seal of Approval

Mezuzah kissing question Due to the excessive kissing of Mezuzahs on the doorposts by some individuals who enter and leave rooms, the Beis Din of Or Y’or Kidding is reviewing the laws of Shmiras Nigiyah. Rabbi Noah Joke said, “Perhaps one should first take the Mezuzah out to dinner and a movie before the first kiss.” While Rabbi Bissel Nuts argued, “Certainly not, that would be crazy! I believe a Shadchan must be involved before even the first kiss.” As either rabbi has not made a final judgment, the issue regarding the Mezuzah will, for the time being, remain hanging.

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March 18, 2011 12 Adar II, 5771 THE JEWISH STAR

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Continued from page 1 DFN: Yes, but do you think Jews are in a good place right now?

M: Place shmace. First they went to Egypt and liked it there. Then they didn’t like it and left. Then they kvetched about the water and job prospects in the desert and wanted to go back to Egypt. Then they went to Israel; and now they make computer chips.

DFN: What about the spirituality of our people?

M: Look, in my day, for six days a week you built a mishkan and then on Shabbos you rested. Today everybody wants the easy life. They drive to the mall, they fly to Florida, they Skype… I walked for forty years. I ate manna, I washed the feet of the Kohanim, I learned all of Torah, I delivered the Ten Commandments, twice. Who had time for spirituality?

DFN: But how can we get the Jewish people to follow the mitzvos and lead a more menshlach life?

M: Been there done that. It’s not easy. My generation was all about Naaseh V’Nishmah.

We’ll do and then later we’ll ask. Now it’s all Nishma, Nishma, Nishma. They ask and talk and question and if and when they get around to it… Naaseh, they’ll actually do something.

DFN: What about tzedakah? Are people giving enough charity?

M: You know, originally it wasn’t a maser, a tithe, a tenth. It was actually fifty percent. Yeh, fifty fifty. Chatzi Lashem, Chatzi Lachem. Hashem wanted us to give half of our income to charity, but I hondled and got it to ten percent. I was quite the negotiator.

Abraham had nothing on me. I would have bargained with Hashem down to one good person in Sodom and Gemorrah and closed the deal. Anyway, now everyone looks at ten percent like it’s some major transaction. The only reason Hashem lets people make a living is so that they could give to charity. And if He gives them a comfortable income he’s expecting some really big Tzedakah. I don’t know who came up with this Chai business, 18? People give in multiples of 18? They should give ten times their Neshama! Neshama is 395. That would bring in some nice Tzedakah.

DFN: How do you spend your time these days?

M: Oh, well it’s a real mechaya in Olam Habah. I’m here in G-d’s country. I learn with the great gaonim before shachris. I teach a shiur or two before lunch. I fabreng with the Lubavitcher Rebbe and then in the evenings I usually like to take a Zumba class.

DFN: They have Zumba in the shamayim, in the heavens?

M: Listen, it’s like Shabbos seven days a week here. Cholent, cholent, cholent. If I don’t stay in shape I’ll get cut from Hockey.

DFN: You play hockey?

M: We have a great team, the Levites. We also have a recreation arts center. I’m known for my Mosaic pieces. Mosaic, get it?

DFN: I didn’t know you were so funny?

M: I have a terrific sense of humor. I used to do a lot of slap stick, but after slapping and hitting the rock and getting into all that trouble, I stopped doing the physical humor and I just do the occasional pun and knock, knock joke.

DFN: How’s your sister Miriam?

M: Oh please, she’s fine. But to tell you the truth, she’s going to drive me crazy with that tambourine of hers. Always clopping and dancing and clopping. Enough already.

She gets like one line in the Torah and she shleps out her 10 minutes of fame into an entire career. She’s touring right now with Dovid HaMelech, Elvis and Michael Jackson.

DFN: They all perform together?

M: They call themselves, “The Timbrel and the Three Kings.” They’re music is okay.

But, personally, I like Carlebach.

DFN: Of course, who doesn’t? Finally, Moses, I have to ask you about the enemies of the Jewish People.

M: I told Joshua that he should have killed all the Amalekites when he had the chance.

Not a day goes by that Kahane doesn’t rip into Joshie about that one. Listen, until Moshiach comes, and he’s always running late believe me, there will continue to be those who hate us. But more importantly we should spend time trying to find ways of loving each other.

We kvetch amongst ourselves terribly.

DFN: Any final thoughts?

M: I spent my whole life getting the Jews out of Egypt and shlepping them through the wilderness to bring them to Eretz Yisroel.

And they got to go to Israel and I didn’t. I would have done anything to go there.

There’s even a beautiful midrash that talks about how I begged and pleaded with Hashem to make me a bird so that I could at least fly over the sacred precious land. So… today you can skip over to JFK, hop on an EL AL flight, daven maariv on the back of the plane while the flight attendants complain that they have to move their carts around to feed everyone mehadrin kosher meals. And then presto you’re in Israel and at the Kotel. Go! Go! Go to Israel! I would in a second.

PURIM NEWS Jewish men are then tied up with the leather retsuos straps, first without a bracha, and then later when the gag is removed from the men’s mouths, with a bracha. Rabbi Yossie Yalater said, “Most of our machine guns have blank bullets.”

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King of Congress

D.C. Purim party

The Washington Purim celebration was held in the Nation’s Captiol in preparation for the holiday. Helen Thomas showed up without a costume to celebrate the life of her hero Haman. She was not allowed entry into the event, as security requested for her to remove her mask and she was unable to.

Peter King who recently stirred up great controversy by conducting hearings, to investigate the relationship between Islam and radical terrorists, finally gave in to the liberal opposition. Yesterday he conducted a hearing to see the relationship between Jews, synagogues and terrorists. After two seconds it was discovered that there is no relationship between Jews, synagogues and terrorists. Of course a liberal group protested his findings and proclaimed, “There is a relationship between Jews, synagogues and terrorists. Terrorists kill Jews and blow up synagogues.”

With that Peter King threw up his hands and said, “I give up, you’re right, I can’t win.”

Y.U. Maccabeats

The singing sensation that has rocked the world with their Chanukah and Purim videos is everywhere. Offers are flooding in from all stretches of the entertainment world. Their manager Izzie Gotgelt said, “I have booked the entire group to replace Charlie Sheen in ‘Two and a Half Men,’ they will appear on the show in the next Fall season.” Rumor has it that the show’s name is being changed to “12 Chazans, a Goy and a kid.”

Tfillin tank tactics

In contradistinction to Chabad’s Mitzvah Tanks, which are motor homes that they operate to invite Jewish males to put on tfillin, the National Organization of Satma Chasidim has decided to take a more aggressive approach to their kiruv tactics of introducing tfillin. The organization has purchased 25 actual military tanks and they are entering buildings by blowing holes through the walls.

Jewish fashion in NY

The New York Tallis Fashion Show is on in Manhattan. Tallesim of all styles are being shown from the top Jewish tallis designers including Diane Firstinshul, Justin Shmatas, Anita Machover and Hoisen Klein. “Tachelis is back in fashion,” said popular designer Oscar DelaDon’t Rent. “They’ll be wearing tzistzis long this year.” He was joined by his beautiful wife Oscar DelaYenta.

THE JEWISH STAR March 18, 2011 12 Adar II, 5771

Exclusive: Moses speaks

March 18, 2011 12 Adar II, 5771 THE JEWISH STAR

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Opinion A world gone Purim

D

avid’s Harp is usually a satirical humorous column. In honor of Purim when we are inebriated to the point that everything is turned upside down and we don’t recognize the difference between Mordechai and Haman, the hero and the villain, this space will be serious.

Thousands died in Japan because the core of the earth has a physical geological formula that dictates movement on the crust of the planet. This movement not only caused an earthquake, but it unleashed a tsunami that swept away towns, changed the DAVID’S HARP map of Japan and affected the very axis of the globe. It is beyond sad and a reminder that we live at the will of science in outer space in a universe directed by laws of nature and G-d’s grace.

A bus crashed on the Cross Bronx Expressway killing 15 people. And another crashed on the New Jersey Turnpike.

The dangers of everyday transport and travel become all too real when we are faced with David F. Nesenoff such tragedy and loss of life.

Two local police officers were killed in the line of duty. It is a sobering reminder to all of us of the dangerous and courageous occupation that our law enforcement, fire fighters and our soldiers encounter in their course of confronting their very jobs.

Flooding in the metropolitan area has caused headaches, heartaches and endless difficulties for so many of our fellow citizens. Nature’s forces never cease to remind us of that which we can do little to control.

Five souls in Israel had their throats and bodies

slashed and slit during the middle of the night as they slept in their beds on Shabbat. It is also a reminder. It reminds us that the Jew lives in a world that is beyond the laws of physics, science, nature, decency, civility and universal conscience. The horror of Purim’s lottery, that any random Jew on any old day should be killed, is alive and well in 2011.

The earth has always quaked, and rivers seem to flood, and vehicles will often crash, and soldiers unfortunately have throughout history given their lives.

But it should not be part of the course of nature that a three-month old baby is slaughtered in her sleep. And it should not be in the science of the planet that her two brothers and mother and father are slaughtered alongside of her.

We are living in a world of Purim. It is a chaotic drunk place where the hero is the villain and the villain is the hero. It is a place where people mask their evil and yet publically rejoice in their desire for genocide. It is a world of Purim. It is a place filled with Haman after Haman mocking the Mordechai. It is a place where a 12 year- old girl returns from a Kabbalat Shabbat celebration to find her family dead with their blood dripping over toys and sefarim and a crib.

It is a world of Purim. It is a world that contains a story where G-d’s hand is hidden and where we must bring about the miracle through our own strength. It is a world where we must be courageous and enter a precarious palace even when we are not summoned.

It is a world where we must change the very calendar containing our day of demise into our day of victory and our enemies’ hanging.

Purim is indeed the holiday of chaos, which leads into the holiday of Pesach bringing with it the Seder, the order. May we merit the Moshiach’s speedy arrival and enter into a world where perhaps the science of the earth may still cause it to quake, but the sanity of the planet will allow a baby to sleep through the night in peace.

Correction:

The photo caption in last week’s Agudath Israel story incorrectly identifies Rabbi Binyamin Kamenetzky as Rabbi Mordechai Kamenetzky. We regret the error.

In memory of the Fogel family

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The Dead Potomac River Scrolls found

A

t a Washington news conference, held at the Offices of the George Soros-funded Center for American Progress, archeologists working for the Smithsonian have announced an incredible find, a revised copy of the U.S Constitution dated 1790. This document was passed by the original 13 States with the intention of supplanting the version ratified in 1788. The chief archeologist on the project called the document “Dead Potomac River Scrolls,” because they were found in a previously unknown cave on the bank of the Potomac.

According to the scientists, a 13-year-old boy named Zach Emanuel was walking his dog near the river, threw POLITICO a stick and heard some glass shatter. He followed the TO GO noise into the cave and found the document amongst some broken beer bottles left over from some ancient beer summit. Scientists determined the cave was once occupied by some ancient cult of pundits. Also found in the cave were some leftover yarmulkes from Chuck Schumer’s Bar Mitzvah.

The cult known in history books as the Progressenes, revised the constitution. It begins with an amazingly prophetic preamble, We the People of the United States, in Order to form a Union even more perfecter than we did two years ago, do ordain and establish this brand new Constitution for the United States of America recognizing that the docuJeff Dunetz ment approved in 1788 forgot to talk about social justice.

The overall document is very similar to the Constitution passed in 1788; adding just a few things: Under the census provision it adds, “If a large group of foreign nationals come into the country illegally, they are to be counted as citizens in the census so as not to appear racist.”

The executive branch articles include a provision that says, “The President is to enforce all laws equally except in the case of radical organizations trying to intimidate voters from voting the wrong way. Housing organizations that commit voter fraud by registering illegible voters multiple times, cartoon characters, or the deceased are not to be prosecuted, as long as they are Continued on page 5

Yankie & Luzer That’s not funny.

Take off the mask.

Happy Purim.

5

Continued from page 4 named after the seed of an oak tree.”

It is quite amazing the way these Progressenes were able to see into the future.

Beyond the prophetic articles and preamble, included in this revised constitution was a document called “The Bill of Other Rights Which Corrects the Original Constitution’s Wrongs,” these included: There is not only a freedom of religion but a freedom from religion The right to health care unless you are a senior (sorry grandma you are too old) We were only kidding about the right to bear arms There is a right of unions to be bailed out even if the state has to take over an entire industry.

The right of unions supersedes that of the majority of the population.

The right to high speed communication The government has the right to control free speech on the internet and talk radio There is a right to come into the country illegally as long as you promise to support the Progressenes The President has the right to play golf during a crisis, especially if petroleum is involved There is no right to enjoy the fruits of your hard work, the government has the right to redistribute income Some skeptics will tell you that this document is an obvious forgery, but they’re only trying to interject partisanship into taking a bipartisan effort.

For proof of its validity, just look at the fact that this document has already been endorsed by the administration. This is the administration that told us Joe Sestak wasn’t

THE JEWISH STAR March 18, 2011 12 Adar II, 5771

The Dead Potomac River Scrolls found

Passover in Florida

offered a job, there were no earmarks in the stimulus bill, Obamacare wouldn’t force you to change health plans, and there would be absolutely no new taxes on anyone making less than $250,000 a year.

Perhaps the best reason to believe that this document is real is the fact that the provisions of this revised constitution were already put into practice during the first two years of the Obama presidency.

If these provisions were followed without a supporting constitutional document, the press, who is counted upon to be a watchdog would scream bloody murder, and they have been totally silent. You see, it has to be real! The document also provides an answer to those who claim that Barack Obama is some sort of socialist trying to overturn the U.S. Constitution. Based on the newly-found document he is a strict “constitutionalist”.

According to the archeologists there are more documents in the cave, specifically court precedents supporting the revised constitution, a new version of the Bible that strikes out any connection between the Jews and the Holy Land, and a history of Chicago politics, all of which will be released as soon as they are examined by biblical archeology specialist Rev. Jeremiah Wright.

It’s like family, but only worse Why be with your dysfunctional mishpacha when you can be with hundreds of other dysfunctional mishpachas? The only thing worse than your whining children is someone else’s whining kids. You work all year long very hard, why spend Pesach relaxing? Come to a seder with people who left New York to get away, to be with people from New York. Matzah not included.

Jeff Dunetz is the Editor/Publisher of the political blog “The Lid” (www.jeffdunetz.com).

Jeff contributes to some of the largest political sites on the internet including American Thinker, Big Government, Big Journalism, NewsReal and Pajama’s Media, and has been a guest on national radio shows including G. Gordon Liddy, Tammy Bruce and Glenn Beck.

Jeff lives in Long Island.

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Hebrew only please!

A Jewish newspaper should have a Hebrew column. So here it is. We will try to maintain a level of vocabulary so that it will

be easy enough for students to read and interesting enough for those more fluent to enjoy. If you would like to write a story in

Hebrew, please submit to: newsroom@thejewishstar.com

Two sleepy stories for Purim

By Rabbi Noam Himelstein

Rabbi Noam Himelstein studied in Yeshivat Har Etzion and served in the Tanks Corps of the IDF. He has taught in yeshiva high schools, post-high school women’s seminaries, and headed the

Torah MiTzion Kollel in Melbourne, Australia. He currently teaches at Yeshivat Orayta in Jerusalem, and lives with his wife and six children in Neve Daniel, Gush Etzion.

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Riddles

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Answer: In a leather phylactery.

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March 18, 2011 12 Adar II, 5771 THE JEWISH STAR

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7 THE JEWISH STAR March 18, 2011 12 Adar II, 5771

Opinion Secrets of the Megillah: It’s all about the food “The fourteenth of Adar --happiness and festival, and sending of portions, man to his fellow” (9:19). This verse is the source for the favorite mitzvah on Purim of sending food to each other. But how do we know the verse is talking about food? After a closer analysis of the entire Megillah, it becomes clear that many verses FROM THE HEART are referring to food.

OF JERUSALEM And therefore the word “portions” here in this verse refers to food as well. Here are the other secret food references: “And Haman was filled with anger (cheima)” (3:5). The Gemara in Maseches Ugiyot uses a classic literary technique to teach us the true meaning of this verse: Don’t read Samuel Fisher it “cheima” (anger)— rather “chem’ah” (butter). Therefore the pasuk is rendered, “And Haman was filled with butter.” Moreover, we know through Jewish tradition that butter, like words, is best funneled through the ears. This is consistent

with the fact that “hamentaschen,” literally “Haman’s ears,” are tasty, buttery cookies.

Now that we understand that Haman’s ears were actually cookies, another mystery of Purim is decrypted: the bizarre making of loud noise upon reciting Haman’s name. It is indeed very difficult for Haman to hear the reading, considering his ears are baked delicacies.

Haman wasn’t the only Megilla character with culinary aspects. We see that the women, in preparing to meet the king, spent six months in oil (2:12). Now that’s what I call deep-fried—it is a mystery in the Kabballah as to why fried latkes and donuts aren’t eaten on Purim and only on Chanukkah.

Also, when Haman bribed Achashveirosh, the pasuk says “ten-thousand talents (kikar) of silver, I will weigh-out (eshkol)” (3:9).

But Onkolos’ brother translates the pasuk according to the pshat: “ten-thousand loaves (kikar) of silver grapefruit (eshkol).” We see that even the most powerful politicians used food items as their means of diplomacy.

At the beginning of the Megilla, Achashveirosh called for Vashti to appear with her crown. Since we know Achashveirosh’s goal was to display her beauty, it would make no sense for her to wear her royal crown, which would divert attention away from her own beauty. Therefore, Achashveirosh must have been referring to a different kind of crown.

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Now, we know that Vashti’s name comes from the root “shtayim,” meaning “two.” The female form of “two” is “shnaim,” or “shinayim”—teeth. Vashti needed a crown for her teeth, for they had rotted to stumps. And to show her beauty, she needed dental reconstructive surgery, i.e. crowns. This could only be the case if Vashti ate lots of candy and drank lots of sugared drinks. With this in mind, it makes sense that she, a nosher, refused to come to the party—she was stuck in the ladies’ room after eating far too many “portions” of chocolate.

In the last chapter of the Megilla, a seemingly irrelevant line appears: “And Achashveirosh put a tax on the land and the islands” (10:1). The Rambam, in Hilchos Rotev V’Yerakos says that the ratio of a king’s countries to islands is 2000 to 254. Since Achashveirosh had 127 countries, it follows that he had 1000 islands. This tax on the “Thousand Islands” is a clear reference to food, salad dressing.

We see from all these examples that the Megilla is full of references to food. To name a few more, the town itself is called “Shushan HaBirah,” “Birah” being the modern Hebrew word for beer. The word “King,” which permeates the Megilla, can be rearranged to spell “K-gin”— or “Cajun.” There are endless examples.

In conclusion, the Rabbis’ interpretation

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Therefore the pasuk is rendered, “And Haman was filled with butter.” of “portions” as referring to food is not too much of a stretch when put in the proper context. In a way, the references to food, which occur literally all over the Megilla,…. are Hashem’s way of sending us secret “portions.” May we all merit to receive wonderful portions this Purim—Chag Purim Sameach!

Samuel Fisher grew up in Newton, Massachusetts and graduated from Maimonides School in 2010. He is spending the year studying in Yeshivat Orayta in the Old City of Jerusalem after which he will attend Harvard College.

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March 18, 2011 12 Adar II, 5771 THE JEWISH STAR

8

PURIM NEWS Israel mix up

Crowds of anti-Jewish protesters stood with signs demanding to stop future construction in Israel. After five hours of protesting they realized that they got mixed up and were not protesting the State of Israel, but rather were standing outside the home of congressman Steve Israel. Although the mob eventually left, Congressman Israel, who was redoing his guest bathroom, stopped the construction contractor from continuing. “If not laying the terra cotta tile in the shower can help to bring peace in the Middle East, it’s the least I can do,” said the confused congressman. In a related story Ohio’s 4th District Congressman Jordan is redoing his bedroom crown molding, which is hanging off the wall. “Jordan’s crown is in a precarious situation,” commented Israel.

Court updates

Brooklyn has won a long court battle to do away with its casual namesake and has become more formal. The boro will now be known as BrookLinda. While Long Island is experiencing the economic times, the Five Towns is being reduced to the Four and a Half Towns. And due to the overabundance of plastic surgeons living and practicing in Great Neck, with just a little snip here and little tuck there, the town will now be called Really Great Neck. With regard to Flushing, the courts are still evaluating the alternative names. They’ve already rejected “Rinsing, Queens.”

■■■

Science news

Scientists have discovered a new species of unintelligent life. The being has no capacity to think with any level of aptitude. In fact there is not even the slightest chance that micro brain cells exist in this mutation of low life. They are calling it Neturei Karta.

■■■

Computer problem

PC and Mac users are warned not to leave any valuables in the vicinity of their computer. A thief virus has already stolen $75,000, 200 keyboards, 45 cups of coffee and 3 stockbrokers.

■■■

YIW still growing

The Young Israel of Woodmere just announced the introduction of its hundredth morning shaharis minyan. Each day of the week starting at 5 a.m., every 30 seconds another service begins.

The rabbi said, “We won’t be happy till we finally have a service where we can’t actually get a minyan.”

Breaking news: A Yeshiva is raising funds ■■■

Chabad L’Chaim for Purim The local Chabad, which has been in the forefront of the Don’t Drink and Drive Campaign, has baruch Hashem saved many lives, announced its new slogan for Purim: “Don’t Drive.”

The Mesifta Harbay Kesef Yeshiva Academy is having a fundraiser. All are welcome to come. They are not sure yet what kind of fundraiser it’s going to be. Maybe an art auction, or a Chinese auction, or a dinner, or an inauguration or an honoring or a concert. And they don’t know what they are raising the funds for yet, but all are welcome to come and contribute. RSVP early! (Not sure of the deadline or the date of the event yet, but all are welcome to come and contribute.)

New fish Kashrus question

Upon the discovery of a new species of fish off the coast of Long Island, the Vaad Hakashrus has been tirelessly working to offer a psak din as to whether the tiny swimmer is kosher or not. The Vaad chairman Rabbi Yehuda Trefabits finally said, “Stop bothering us and go have a nice piece of salmon.”

9

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THE JEWISH STAR March 18, 2011 12 Adar II, 5771

PURIM NEWS

Put an Ad in The Jewish Star

After Charlie Sheen called his former boss Chuck Lorre, “Chaim,� he has started a new enterprise. Charlie will help young couples find a suitable Hebrew name for their newborn baby.

Helen Thomas has opened up the Go Home Travel Agency coordinating group synagogue trips to Poland and Germany. While Libyan leader Kaddafi has opened up a multi purpose center, which will teach parents to raise dysfunctional children and at the same time instruct men to shave their face like a psychopathic maniac.

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What favorite food would you want in your Hamantosh?

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GIZZI GESTETNER REUBEN SHAULOV owner of Reuben’s Unisex Barber Shop, Woodmere

7 years old, student at Shulamith School for Girls in Woodmere “Cookie Dough Ice Cream because what could go wrong with cookie dough?”

“Chocolate covered pretzels.

They’re so delicious.”

AYELET ROSENBLOOM (my sister), 12 years old, HAFTR Middle School

RACHELI ROSENBERG Special Education teacher, Lawrence

“Hmm, I would say Dirty Burger; it’s the perfect shaloch manot.”

DANNY TENNENBAUM manager of Crawfords, Cedarhurst “A gummy candy, because it would make the hamentashen sweeter.”

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11

To spend more, try divorce card and will be able to basically do whatever he wants, as long as he continues to dress like a yorei-shamayim. He will be thrust into this club soon after his card is mailed out.

You may notice that he will regress to an adolescent’s level of impulse-control, but that is perfectly normal.

Since I am a female, I’m not exactly sure of the department that issues these cards, but I do know that there is a large percentage of female divorcees who somehow managed to acquire these cards as well. If you end up being issued one of these cards, your life will drastically improve. Being a single mom is really, really rough. You will not have as much time to meet your spiritual goals like shopping (and I’m taking into account shopping online.)

Basically, you’re doing all the right things.

I recommend checking back with the yeshivas and letting them know that you’re still struggling. They could just stop paying their dedicated, hard-working staff to accommodate you. Rebbes and their families don’t mind skipping meals so that you can look your best.

If you can, you should try to seek out counseling. But whatever you do, don’t write to those newspaper advice columnists.

Dear Aviva, My husband’s business has slowed to a tiny trickle and I can’t seem to find work.

We got a loan modification, got approved for SNAP, HEAP, Child Plus, and Medicaid. The yeshivas have been amazing—one tuition committee was so understanding that they are now paying us to send our preschooler there. The problem is my husband’s wanton spending. He insists on unloading the few dollars we have on frivolous things like groceries and the water bill. Meanwhile, he started telling me that when my lease is up, he wants to get a domestic car— an old one!

His priorities are so messed up. I don’t know how to explain that this season’s styles are much more important long term. We need to impart good values on the kids and I would never want them to think that we are not as well off as our neighbor, who has been out of work for 2 years. Do I need a divorce?

-Stylin’ in Squalor

Dear Stylin’ in Squalor, You poor thing. My eyes are welling up just reading your plight. Well, you definitely have it together. In Parshas Mikeitz, when there was an inter-country famine, Yaakov Avinu asked his well-fed sons, “Lamah Tisra’oo?

Why do you make yourselves seen?” According to Rashi, Yaakov is admonishing his sons not to be seen with the bread they have because others do not have this bread. We obviously learn from here that when you don’t have bread, you should (somehow) be seen

-Aviva with bread. So you are really living in accordance with Torah values, and your husband is way off base. Maybe he’s got issues stemming from his childhood. Did his parents have a perverted value system? Did his father

try to control his mother with money too?

Getting divorced is a long, costly and arduous process, but it may have its pay-offs.

Once your husband gives the get, he will most likely receive a “Get-out-of-Gehinnom-free”

Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice who can be reached at AvivaRizel.MFT@gmail.com.

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THE JEWISH STAR March 18, 2011 12 Adar II, 5771

Ask Aviva

March 19

Calendar

Multi Media Megillah Reading CHABAD OF FIVE TOWNS is holding a Purim Bash at HAFTR High School, located at 389 Central Avenue in Lawrence. The Megillah reading will begin at 8:15 p.m. followed by an exciting Bubble Mania show by Seth Bloom. Additional Megillah readings will be held at 9, 10, and 11 p.m. For more information contact 516-295-2478 or Chabad5towns.com

March 26

ON THE

Chanukas Habayis Celebration

Submit your shul or organization’s events or shiurim to jscalendar@thejewishstar.com.

Deadline is Wednesday of the week prior to publication.

Purim Celebration SUBURBAN PARK JEWISH CENTER, located at 400 Old Westbury Road in East Meadow is holding a Purim Celebration at 7:45 p.m. with megillah reading by Cantor David Krasner. Costumes are encouraged and refreshments will be provided.

For more information, contact 516-796-8833 or suburbanparklevtorah.com

Caught between the Generations YOUNG ISRAEL OF JAMAICA ESTATES, located at 83-10 188 Street in Jamaica Estates will present a special program focusing on the challenges involved with balancing the needs of children, grandchildren, and parents. The event is sponsored by National Council of Young Israel and Ohel Children’s Home & Family Services. The presentation will be given by Harriet Blank, LCSW, the Intake Coordinator and Geriatric Mental Health Program Coordinator for Ohel. The event begins on Motzei Shabbat at 9 p.m. For more information call 212-929-1525 x112 or jsteinig@ youngisrael.org.

March 20 Purim at the African Jungle CHABAD OF MERRICK-BELLMORE-WANTAGH will be holding an African safari-themed Purim party at the Merrick Park Golf Course, located at 2550 Clubhouse Road in Merrick. The event is part of the annual “Purim Around the World” series, following last year’s Mexican-themed Purim.

Megilla reading will begin at 12 p.m. followed by the program at 12:30 p.m. The event costs $15 for adults, and $10 for The maximum cost per family is $50. Reservations must be accepted by March 15. For more information call Rabbi Rabbi Shimon and Chanie Kramer 516-833-3057.

All day Megillah readings CHABAD OF FIVE TOWNS, located at 74 Maple Avenue will be conducting Megillah reading every hour on the hour beginning 7 a.m. and continuing through 6 p.m. CHABAD OF FIVE TOWNS is also holding Purim in the Shtetl at 74 Maple Avenue in Cedarhurst. The event includes a four course dinner with klezmer music. The cost is $25 for adults and $15 for children. The event begins at 5:30 p.m. For more information contact 516-2952478 or Chabad5towns.com.

Purim Carnival Fun

CHOFETZ CHAIM TORAH CENTER, located at 7 Derby Avenue in Cedarhurst, will be holding a celebration of its new sanctuary for the duration of this Shabbat. The Shaharit service will begin at 9 a.m. and will include welcoming remarks by Rabbi Aryeh Zev Ginzberg, followed by a sermon by author and lecturer Rabbi Noach Isaac Oelbaum on the occasion of the event. Services will be followed by a gala Kiddush open to the community. For more information, contact 516295-7644 or chofetzchaimtc.com.

Ongoing Honor Grandparent with Surprise Award Ritual Slaughter Shechting class begins at the conclusion of Adar II in preparation for Passover.

Held at Yeshivas Parah HaMess. Barbecue to follow. Contact Rabbi Mooshe Leatherman. event with prizes and food for children. The event will take place between 11 a.m. and 2 p.m.

For more information contact 516-634-4169 or FriedbergJCC.com.

Purim Seudah YOUNG ISRAEL OF WAVECREST-BAYSWATER is holding a Purim Seudah with Rabbi Eliezer Feuer at 5 p.m. The cost is $15 per adult and $7 per child.

For more information, contact Joseph Kohler at 718-327-0735

FRIEDBERG JCC, located at 15 Neil Court in Oceanside, is holding Purim Carnival Fun, a free

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March 21 Moshe Feiglin presentation MANHIGUT YEHUDIT, the Jewish Leadership faction within the Likud Party, will be holding a presentation by founder Moshe Feiglin at Chofetz Chaim Torah Center, located at 7 Derby Avenue in Cedarhurst. The event topic asks “Are we in danger of losing our beloved Israel?” Question and answer will follow the presentation. For more information call Nelson Behar at 917-453-9601 or Shmuel@manhigut.org.

CHABAD OF MINEOLA is holding a contest to honor grandparents at the Pesach Seder. The 250-word essay contest is open to all students ages 10 to 18. Contestants must submit an essay describing why their grandparent(s) is deserving of the award, along with a photo of themselves with the grandparent(s). Prizes include $500 for first place and a raffle for an iPad2. The deadline for this contest is April 8. There will be eight categories of awards: 2 grandmothers, 2 grandfathers, 2 couples, and 2 winners for “In Memoriam.” Ceremony honoring the recipient will be held on Sunday June 5 at 2p.m. at the Renee & Jan Burman Chabad Center for The Arts. For more inofrmaiton, contact Rabbi Anchelle Perl 516-739-3636.

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The Kedischewitz Tonic

Manischewitz-Kedem unite for Purim Not since the days of Tuner has anyone loved hooch as much as I do. But despite my taste for tequila, relish for rum and savor for scotch, I find that on Purim the only libation capable of slaking my thirst is wine. But the wine comes with limitations. The amount required to bring me to my desired level of THE KOSHER inebriation is greater CRITIC than that of some other spirits. As a result, I often end up spending an arm and a leg to insure that I have enough to drink. This year’s Purim is a pregame celebration on Friday night, carrying into Shabbat and then launching into fullblown festivities Saturday night and Sunday.

I had a similar situZechariah Mehler ation to this one as a poor college student.

On my meager budget I was able to purchase enough wine for the Purim Seudah but due to circumstances beyond my control, I found myself with more guests then I had anticipated and so I made a quick run to our local liquor store where destiny led me to purchase the making of a wine-based punch that I have since made every year for Purim. I dare lay claim to it being the greatest party drink of all time. It’s my own Kedischewitz Tonic.

Kedischewitz Tonic is an amalgam of the cheapest wines I could buy that also posses a relatively high alcohol content. The result is an easily drinkable punch that packs a heck of a kick. As I gear up to make it once again for my Purim Seudah this year, I am sharing the recipe with you. Please keep in mind that I have refined the recipe a bit since my Yeshiva University days.

■ 2 large bottles Manischewitz cream peach wine ■ 2 bottles Kedem Pink Champagne ■ 6 ounces brandy (brand doesn’t matter.)

■ 1 bottle of ginger ale ■ 2 containers of your favorite sorbet (I like to use mango and passion fruit flavor) ■ 1 water balloon filled with Orange juice and placed in the freezer until solid then removed from said balloon and used to keep the punch cold.

To construct this amazing drink simply add all ingredients together and give it a few minutes for the sorbet to dissolve. The result is a fruity, fizzy, fabulous beverage that serves between 25 to 30 people depending on how heavily they drink and it promises that those 30 people will definitely be feeling it.

You are probably thinking that I have taken the Thunderbird of kosher alcohols and dressed it up for the evening. You are correct, but we live in a food culture where chefs are constantly trying to find ways to take ingredients that are usually overlooked and transform them into something that the general public finds palatable. Kedischewitz

is my contribution to this particular food movement. So this Purim as you get your Ad delo yadah on, please consider augmenting your personal consumption with this storied beverage.

Purim Sameach!

Zechariah Mehler is a widely published food writer and expert in social marketing. Follow him on Twitter @thekoshercritic

Wish your family, friends and customers a Shana Tova, a Happy Chanukah and a Chag Kasher V’Sameach,

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The Jerusalem Post Crossword Puzzle 1. Pines (for) 6. Auction entries 10. Electrical units 14. Tanna alternative 15. Work for JTA, perhaps 16. Place in the Knesset 17. Wept 18. Chanukiyah branches number 19. “Blessed is the ___ judge” (prayer said upon hearing of a loved one’s death) 20. New York Satmar enclave 22. Radical Luxembourg 23. “All ___ Jazz” (Kander and Ebb song) 24. 19th Century English de Rothschild 26. Poet-partisan Kovner

Last week’s answers

Down

1. Go without 2. Israeli NBA star Casspi 3. Film ___ 4. “Dirty Dancing” actress Jennifer 5. Egyptian peacemaker 6. Cardozo and Cardin 7. Stupid 8. Enjoy a Purim seudah 9. Acting teacher Adler

TOURO LAW Touro College Jacob D. Fuchsberg Law Center

10. Judith Resnik and others 11. Burial site of Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai 12. TiVo button 13. Pilfer 21. Lewis of “Lambchop” fame 25. Facts 26. Intones the Four Questions 27. Borscht source 28. Bête noire 29. “Enemies: ___” (I. B. Singer work) 34. Writer Jonathan or Faye 36. Steak order 37. Algonquian Indian 38. Biblical plot 40. He wrote “Survival in Auschwitz”

Answers will appear next week

Presents an International Conference: USTIC

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July 5 - July 7, 2011 PARIS, FRANCE

42. Daft 45. Make unnecessary 48. -witz or -insky 51. Suez, e.g.

52. Heavenward 53. Historian Tom (“Elvis in Jerusalem”) 55. Borat’s portrayer 58. Canadian theologian Fackenheim 59. Mel Brooks has one on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame 60. Special at Bergdorf’s 61. Tool in the Garment District 62. Love ___

Join us as we...

Conference sites include visits to...

Explore these two historic cases with a focus on the legal, political, religious, and social issues.

École Militaire – site of Dreyfus’ Public Degradation in 1895 and the 105th Anniversary of his Reinstatement in 1906.

Palais de Justice on the île de la Cité – site of several Dreyfus related trials and appeals.

Museum of Art and History of Judaism – in the historic Marais District.

Versailles – a tour of the Hall of Mirrors and the Assize Court of Versailles where Zola was tried and convicted.

The Luxembourg Palace (French Senate) – surrounded by the beautiful Luxembourg Gardens.

See how hatred born by anti-Semitism can undermine the law turning it into an instrument of persecution - mocking due process and justice.

Look at Emile Zola’s “J’Accuse” and how the press can shape world opinion responsibly or fan the flames of hatred and prejudice.

Examine the role of Theodore Herzl and how the Dreyfus Affair helped to shape his views on the need for a Jewish nation.

Limited registration available.

For more information, please visit www.tourolaw.edu/dreyfusaffair.

457574

Across

30. “What ___, chopped liver?”

31. Advice columnist Landers 32. The State of Israel’s has a menorah and olive branches on it 33. Rocker Recht 35. Marx Brothers movie, perhaps 39. “Thirtysomething” actor 41. French Antisemite Drumont (“La France Juive”) 43. Microsoft exec Ballmer 44. Part for Beverly Sills 46. JNF unit 47. Adam’s madam 49. Non-kosher sandwich, for short 50. Visible 51. French jurist Rene 54. Docs for dachshunds 56. Aid 57. Controversial 1948 site 63. “Abort!”

64. Muslim holy man 65. It may be fixed 66. Swear to 67. Westchester County Congresswoman Lowey 68. Meteorological effects 69. 2001 name in the news Chandra 70. “Glengarry ___ Ross” (Mamet play) 71. Ain’t right?

J

By David Benkof

MED

March 18, 2011 12 Adar II, 5771 THE JEWISH STAR

14

Real Estate

Real Estate

Help Wanted

ADVERTISING SALES The Jewish Star is looking for an advertising sales representative to cover multiple territories.

We offer competitive compensation for the right person.

Send resume with salary requirements to dnesenoff@thejewishstar.com

LIDO BEACH

Beautiful High Ranch In Exclusive Lido Beach, All Updated, Hardwood Floors, Close To Schools, Houses Of Worship, Shopping, Parkway, Golf...$679,000

Robin Amato 516-835-9676

Credit Financial

455745

Petrey East Real Estate 254 East Park Ave. Long Beach

Credit Financial

CIRCULATION CONSULTANTS! The Publishers of the Herald Community Newspaper Group are looking f or talented people to help increase our subscr iber base. Experience a plus! Good phone skills a must! Flexible part time hours. Must be able to work on weekends. Please send resume to Christine Remsen at cremsen@liherald.com

DRIVERS

$30 Per Hour+ Commission. Cash Daily. Will Train. Limited Openings . Job Information 516-214-8306 Or 516-214-8366 Manager 973-462-0047

GET CASH NOW! Get cash for your structured settlement or annuity payments.

High payouts. Rated A+ by the Better Business Bureau. ™

444349

1-866-FUND-108

www.jgwentworth.com

REAL ESTATE

MERCHANDISE MART

House For Sale

Miscellaneous For Sale

INWOOD: BEAUTIFUL SPLIT, 3 BRS, Large Rooms, 2 Kitchens , Den/ FPL, Fin. Bsmt. Garage, On Soloff Blvd. $529K. Principals Only. 516-945-5268

DESK: CHERRY WOOD, L-Shaped, Like New. $500. 516-457-6046

THE VISTAS AT BOCA LAGO

Stunning 2 BR, 2 Bth, (1 brand new) 2nd Fl. Fully Furnished, New A/C, New Kitchen, Granite Countertop, Stainless Steel Appliances, New Tile Floor, Crown Molding Throughout Apt, New Carpeting, Flat Screen TV's, Terrace Overlooking Golf Course. Golf & Tennis Club Membership Available. Close to Ev erything!

Asking $122K, Call Today!

516-457-6046 DON'T BE STUCK IN THE SNOW NEXT WINTER!!

Apartments For Rent

CEDARHURST NO FEE Modern 1BR, 2BR & 3BR. CAC, W/D, Storage, Private Entrance, Indoor P arking, Near All. Starting At $1450.

(516)860-6889/ (516)852-5135

Commercial Prop./Rent

HEWLETT TRAIN STATION (1215 Station Plaza) 2,000 sf, Ground Floor (+1,800 sf Carpeted Basement) $3,950 ALSO 1193 Broadway 1,000 sf, $1,950 Ben 212-685-6500

REFRIGERATOR: MA YTAG, NEW Side

by Side, White, 25.2 cf with Ice & Water Service on Door , Model MSD2572-VEO . $600. 516-457-6046

PLACE YOUR AD Just Call Our Classified Department at 516-632-5205

EMPLOYMENT

SALES CONSULTANTS: LEGACY Infiniti is seeking full time Sales Consultants f or our luxury auto dealership . Previous Automotive sales e xperience is a plus b ut not required. A good understanding of the local community is impor tant. Must be a team player with impeccab le honesty and integrity. Excellent communication and customer service skills are required. Work for a dealership where the emplo yee and the position they hold is v alued and respected. We are v ery Employee Focused and work hard to be The Employer of Choice in the area and our industry. We offer an excellent compensation and benefi ts package including health insur ance and 401K. No phone calls please. E-mail your resume to jchmela@legacyinfiniti.com

SELL YOUR CAR Just Call Our Classified Department at 516-632-5205

MATHEMATICS/ READING TEACHERS For NESI, A 30 Year Old Global Educational Organization. You Will Be Teaching 3rd Grade To High School Students. Our Schools Are Located In Borough Park And Midwood. Certification Is A Plus But Not Necessary. Must Have A Minimum Of A Bachelors And Should Have More Than A Year Of Teaching Experience. Candidates Must Also Be Fingerprinted By Department of Education. We Are Advertising For The New School Year Which Starts In August.

The Position Is PART-TIME For Up To 20 Hours Every 2 Weeks. Please Send Resumes To mlee@nesieducation.org.

AA/EOE.

455723

CoOps & Condos/Sale

GRAPHIC ARTIST WANTED for IMMEDIATE Part-Time Ad Design Position. Must be skilled in: • Adobe Indesign CS4 • Adobe Photoshop CS4 • Adobe Acrobat • Mac OSX This is a part time position with reasonably flexible hours. Must be creativ e and have a good e ye for design and detail. This position involves heavy customer contact, so candidate must be able to liaison with clients to collabor ate on design. Must be ab le to w ork in a deadline driven environment. HIgh end design e xperience required. Duties include , but are not limited to: ad design and la yout, photo color correction and scanning.

Please submit y our resumé with salar y requirements for immediate consider ation to KMengel@ liherald.com NO phone calls.

Shiduchims-R-us “The affordable way to meet your Bashert” Only $25 for your soul mate Guaranteed Meet your spouse on the actual wedding day under the Chuppah, and if you are not totally satisfied then after five years of marriage we offer a complete 50% refund or a chance to find another soul mate for a discounted price to be negotiated.

We have many satisfied and mildly miserable couples !

No need to fill out piles of papers and applications.

All we need is your credit card number.

(Ring, Ketubah and Get not included.)

KEEP YOUR NEW YEARS RESOLUTION! BIG BOB’S

Storage is the solution to your Home and Business Space problems • Make your house a home again!

• Declutter your closets!

• Store seasonal items!

• Store archives and files!

• Secure individual units!

GET THE ST month FREE

1

With a minimum of a 3 month a greement not to be combined with an y other offer.

BIG BOB'S SELF STORAGE 2 Endo Blvd., Garden City • 516-227-0200 1 block south of Stewart Avenue, just west of the Meadowbrook Parkway (Exit 3M) Adjacent to north campus of Nassau Community College. Offer Expires 3-31-11.

432377

To Advertise In This Section, Call 516-632-5205

THE JEWISH STAR March 18, 2011 12 Adar II, 5771

CLASSIFIEDS

15

Rebates for the season. Savings all year long.

From January 14 through April 29, 2011, save $25 per unit on Duette® Architella® Honeycomb Shades from Hunter Douglas. Ingenious, insulating air pockets are the secret to these attractive, energy-efficient shades, which help reduce energy loss through windows by up to 50%. Enjoy luminous color, crisp pleats, and energy smart savings throughout the year.

www.distinctivewindowfashions.com

Serving the Five Towns & Surrounding Areas Since 1988 We do repairs 455711

Lenny Koegel • 516-594-6010

*Manufacturer’s rebate offer valid for purchases made January 14 through April 29, 2011. Limitations and restrictions apply. Ask for details. © 2011 Hunter Douglas. ® and TM are trademarks of Hunter Douglas.

455708

March 18, 2011 12 Adar II, 5771 THE JEWISH STAR

16