jungle drums june

FOR THE LOCALS...BY THE LOCALS

www.thejungledrums.com

JUNE 2011 No. 84

A climb up the Peñón de Ifach IDYLL IN THE SUN – by Malcolm Palmer THE SIERRA DE ANDÚJAR

N.I.E

Frequent questions about the N.I.E. number PLUS

What do you need to do to rent your property out

& as ever, hand delivered with care to…

GRAN ALACANT - SANTA POLA - LA MARINA - GUARDAMAR - ROJALES CATRAL - ALBATERA - HONDONS - LA ROMANA & PINOSO - HABANERAS TORREVIEJA - CABO ROIG - PUNTA PRIMA & PLAYA FLAMENCA

GETTING EVER SO SOCIAL

There’s a lot goes on in a month don’t you

a new Facebook page all about the mag to

think? In May we saw ‘the beautiful game’

complement our website so keep in touch

thanks to Barca…although they couldn’t

with us and give us your comments.

have done it without United at least being

I’ll also be updating it daily with comments

there so they had someone to run around.

and news from around the region and you

Poor Cheryl has got the boot from some

can also follow me on Twitter – if you like

show in the US because no-one can under-

to be really up to date with goings on the

stand her. Poor, gorgeous, lovely Cheryl, I

costa – just a one of the neighbour’s kids

Cover Image Galego

by Luis Miguel Bugallo Sánchez

this month 5 ANDREA... fiscal stuff...

7 5 GREAT REASONS.. to learn spanish...

9 LETTERS... say it like it is...

11 LIVE SPAIN...

Murcia...

15 NATURE... part four...

mean who actually cares

to explain it and you’re

what she says anyway?

– chatting to Richard Branson or Rio Ferdi-

Also

witnessed

nand,

the beautiful game a day

having

wish.

previously, Sepp Blatter

Follow me on Twitter:

and

@davejbull

his

should

you

&

cronies

man-

aged to drag it straight

and

so

we’ll

have some fun!

back in the gutter with

23 PUZZLES... easy, peasy...

their ‘Ethics’ to which

Right...back to the se-

Cheryl Cole commented

rious stuff (?) of what’s

that it was a really nice

31 HOROSCOPES... looking ahead...

33 INDIAN FOOD... just mmmm...

35 JD JOKES... ‘avin a larf...

46 BUSINESS DIRECTORY...

All you need to call...

county…

in store for you in JD

this month…loads basically but to elaborate a little, there is some great advice from

Formula 1 has finally realised that we can

Property Hounds on renting properties and

watch a procession of cars every Sunday

Andrea Burns in as ever on the fiscal case

by going to a local market and brought in

with NIE talk.

changes to make the sport great again and Monaco was a

Walking in Benidorm and the nature on the

good

Costa for those who like to get out and

of

example

that,

al-

about (or just enjoy reading about it) and

Lewis

puzzles jokes, horoscopes and more fun-

Hamilton might

nies should keep you going until the next

not agree.

issue which will be JULY! Can you believe

We’ve also be-

it? Time flies…so let’s have some fun!

though

come more so-

and much much more

cial at JD with

Read on and enjoy,

Independent Conveyancing

Wills, Probate & Inheritance

Tax Advisors, Chartered Accountants & Surveyors Defective & Illegal Construction Claims

Vehicle and Drivers Licence / Traffic Registration Litigation In All Law Fields

PEACE OF MIND FOR YOU AND YOUR FUTURE

Dave

x

Plaza Calvo Sotelo 1 (Below the British Consulate) ALICANTE Cantral plaza 30 HONDON DE LAS NIEVES C/ Libertad 18 FORTUNA

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Frequent questions about the N.I.E. number

andrea burns

QUALIFIED GESTORA

Confusion still reigns as regards to some aspects about the N.I.E. number which hopefully I can throw some light on.

SPANISH PROBATE/INHERITANCES

Recently, for example, I had an enquiry, a simple but perfectly understandable question:

SPANISH WILLS

“Do I need to renew my N.I.E. number?”

No, it does not need renewing. The N.I.E. number is the foreigner’s personal tax ID number that, once issued, will remain to be valid for that tax payer. If you sell your property, leave Spain and decide to buy a property here again in let us say ten years’ time, you will still be using the same N.I.E. number for that transaction.

The Spanish tax authorities will keep you registered under that number forever and a day…for better or worse!

And here more FAQ’s: “Where do I apply for that number?”

PLANNING PERMISSIONS CHANGE-OVER UTILITY BILLS

Fiscal help...

There are two options. If you have plenty of time you may apply for it at the Spanish Consulate or Embassy in your home country. They will act simply as a courier service not as an issuing authority.

The Consulate or Embassy will forward the forms to Madrid and receive the number, usually within a couple of months.

The more frequent option is to apply for it at the relevent authorities competent for your area. The current system still involves your presence, an early rise and queues and will leave behind an everlasting impression. The good news is that you get the number on the day (if you are there early enough!). Hence, the trip to sign your deeds can be extended by just one day and all is settled. Most will engage the services of a professional.

“Shall I get my children an N.I.E. now for the event of them inheriting my property?”

No. If your children are not paying taxes in Spain there is no need to issue a number. The authorities request proof of an imminent fiscal transaction that requires the issuance of an N.I.E. number. In your lifetime you may still sell your property or change your heirs.

Also worth mentioning is that minors who are not yet legally competent to contract cannot obtain an N.I.E. number.

For further information please contact me, see details on the right.

NOTARY DEEDS PRIVATE SALES CONTRACTS FISCAL REPRESENTATION CAPITAL GAINS TAX NON-RESIDENTS' INCOME TAX N.I.E. NUMBERS RESIDENCE CERTIFICATES CONVEYANCING POWER OF ATTORNEY URB. DON PUEBLO II BW 140 GRAN ALACANT 96 669 7824 or 639 608 969 ANDREABURNS@ORANGE.ES ‘SINCE 1991’ 5

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A climb up the Peñón de Ifach Nigel Dodd, May 2011

‘Mediterranean scrub vegetation and plants cling on to the thin soil between cracks in the rocks’

In the April edition we featured the Sierra de

You really don´t need a satnav to find the Peñón

route are provided with ropes to haul on or sim-

Helada. This month we describe a climb up the

de Ifach. It is visible for miles around. You can

ply to provide extra safety. Sometimes the path

most iconic of Spain´s geological landmarks,

park in the large car park off Carrier Penon

splits or is less obviously waymarked than the

Calpe´s Peñón de Ifach. This is the highest of

(38.639241N, 0.072623W) or carry on further

earlier sections. Before the very top there are

several similar Peñóns up and down the coast,

up the switchback road to the visitors’ centre if

viewpoints to the North and dramatically straight

all the result of the fracture of geological plates

you have a disabled badge. Use the facilities at

down to the harbour of Calpe.

tilted by tectonic action and eroded by weather

the visitors´ centre and fill up your water bottle.

and sea. Gibraltar is the only one that betters

At peak times walkers are organised into groups

The view from the top is spectacular in all direc-

it with a height of 420m compared to 332m

that set off at 20 or 30 minute intervals but the

tions. It is only from this highest point of the

(1089ft) for the Peñón de Ifach, which seems

Peñón de Ifach is best climbed out of peak sea-

Peñón de Ifach that you stand a chance of see-

quite high enough when you climb to the top of

son on a fine clear day when it is not too hot and

ing Ibiza. At a distance of 100km the curvature

it. On a clear day you can see Ibiza.

then you can wander up the rock in your own

of the earth prevents you seeing sea level Ibiza

time at your own pace.

even from the top of the Peñón but because of

It was only in 1918 that a tunnel was blasted

the mountainous nature of the interior of Ibiza it

through the rock making the seaward side ac-

The first part of the climb is a gentle switchback

is possible to see the upper parts of the Island if

cessible to walkers. Before then the few climbers

path through fragrant woodland consisting of

the visibility is good enough.

determined to make it to the top were suspended

pines, juniper, palms and lavender. The sloping

on ropes and either climbed or were hauled up

tunnel through the sheer face of the rock marks

Careful on the way down. The rocks have been

the sheer rock face. The inaccessibility of the

the transition to a different ecology of Mediter-

worn smooth by countless walkers.

seaward side at this time is rumoured to have

ranean scrub vegetation and plants specialised

made the Peñón de Ifach a hideaway for pirates.

to cling on to the thin soil between cracks in

Allow two to three hours for the ascent and

the rocks. Emerging from the tunnel you are

descent.

Flora and fauna abound on the isthmus, so

rewarded with breathtaking views to the North

much so that it was granted National Park status

East over Moraira, Jávea and beyond. Shortly

in 1987 making the Parque Natural del Peñón

after you are presented with a split in the path.

de Ifach the smallest National Park in Spain. The

To the left the lower path skirts the contour to

visitors´ centre, at the start of the climb, provides

lead to the viewpoint at the South East tip of the

a comprehensive description of history, flora

isthmus - the furthest from the mainland.

and fauna but the most abundant fauna is the screeching seagull - just watch out for an unwel-

To the right the path doubles back up-hill to the

come shower from this dive-bombing bird.

very top. Some of the steeper sections of this

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8

STILL the cheapest advertising around- TEL. 606 540 408

IDYLL IN THE SUN

By Malcolm Palmer

The Sierra de Andújar is the answer, as my friend Barry said on a recent visit, to the people who complain that Spain is all barren hillsides, beaches and building sites. And it isn’t far away. In fact a morning’s reasonable drive from

Young Red Deer stag

Imperial Eagle

Alicante will almost get you there.

It lies at the northern extremity of Jaen Province, on the boundary of Andalucía and Castilla-la Mancha.

As sierras go, it’s not very spectacular. There are no jagged peaks and views of snow-covered ranges –

The Sierra de Andújar enjoys a good deal of sunshine – a fairly benign climate in general - though the short winters can be harsh, and the effect can be seen to good advantage if you choose to pay a spring visit to this wonderful region, when the wildflowers are quite sensational. The overall atmosphere of the place is dominated, however, by the birds. You can’t go far without having a Cuckoo drive you half mad with his incessant calls, and Nightingales sing from every little entanglement of thorn-scrub. Golden Oriole’s mellifluous whistle rings out from any stand of trees, and Cirl Buntings trill unmusically from low bushes.

But deer are also very numerous here, and, on a recent visit, we saw many Red Deer and the odd Fallow Deer, often sharing the grazing contentedly with fighting bulls, whose extensive ranches occupy some of the wild areas. (Keeping them wild – well, I mean, you’re not about to go and wander about in there, are you?)

That most of the trees are evergreen oaks increases the scope for birdlife, and means that Hawfinches are here very common, when elsewhere in the country they are anything but. On our last visit, near evening, we must have seen about thirty of these large, impressive finches on one stretch of track.

But the real reason most naturalists go to Andújar is

just a seemingly endless panorama of rolling, wooded hills, where the odd reservoir nestles at the foot of a lonely valley. And it is precisely this vastness, this uninterrupted forest that makes it ideal to house some of Europe’s rarest species.

to look for the world’s rarest feline, the Iberian Lynx.

Down to some 100 or so individuals, and restricted to the Sierra Morena, which stretches across northern Andalucía and includes Andújar, and the estuary of the Guadalquivir, the Coto Doñana, this Alsatiansized cat is largely nocturnal, and very hard to see.

I had, in fact, been to the sierra five times without getting a glimpse of one, so Barry and I were more than a little pleased to have the chance to watch an adult animal for an hour and a half, from one of the ‘watchpoints’ suggested. It gave me as much pleasure, in fact, as seeing some much larger creatures in Africa, to see this almost mythical beast.

And any visit to Andújar is a chance to see another great rarity. The Spanish Imperial Eagle, down to 132 pairs at its 1990 low-point, has recovered, thanks to careful protection, to just over 200 pairs – making it still a very rare bird. I usually manage to see one on every visit, and this time we saw two, as well as a – much commoner – Golden Eagle, a Black Vulture and a couple of Black Storks.

So where do you stay? There are, in fact, several hotels in the town of Andújar itself, all reasonably priced, and, right in the heart of the sierra, you will find the ‘Complejo Los Pinos’ – basic but comfortable accommodation and a first-class restaurant – and they have a website, too.

Hawfinch

Sierra de Andújar

Iberian Lynx

9

Thinking of Renting Your Property in Spain? www.propertyhounds.com

es of

What do y o u need to do to rent your property out?

If you decide to let your property out you will need to take a number of things into consideration including the type of letting you want to attract, namely holiday or long-term?

On the face of it, you may think a rental property just has to be furnished and equipped for someone to use for a self-catering stay. You may need to rethink your strategy depending on which market you want to attract. You will find that the demands of a holiday maker will differ from those who wish to set up home for a longer period of time.

The merit of long term, versus holiday rental

and specifications.

the current financial climate. So if you have a

The quality of furniture and equipment needs

nice but unspectacular property you may want

some thought as buying the most expensive

to aim at a more conservative client group.

may not always be the best option. True,

Even so, competition is fierce so you may well

the better the quality the longer something

have to do a bit more with the property than

should last and it is likely to be more durable.

you would have had to a few years ago.

However, depending on the target clients you

So that´s enough of the theory so now for

are aiming at and the rental rates that you

some hard facts.

intend to set, a compromise for a more middle better option.

If you are looking at the long term market there are a few mistakes that must be avoided.

Market

Sofa beds are great for a brief stay and pos-

Like any business venture, you need to know

sibly a 2 week holiday but any longer and you

your market and if you have an upmarket

will lose more renters than you will attract.

property you should be looking to equip it to

If you go for a cheap one, then be sure to

an appropriate standard to attract up market

put a business card in the property for a local

‘people looking for

Chiropractor as there is a good chance that

a holiday or long-

the bright side you could strike up a deal with

of the road standard of furniture may be a

term property in

self.

Furnishing Obviously the type of property that you have will play a big part in determining what you will need to have in place and how much it is going to take to equip it. It goes without saying that the bigger the property the more furnishing and equipment you will need but there are other considerations, such as quality

10

the Chiropractor for commission on referrals for treatment!

this part of Spain

If you really are set on putting in a sofa bed

are generally look-

that you yourself would be happy to sit on for

ing for a bargain...’

This may all sound a bit basic but comfortable

then make sure you go for a very good one hours on end. seating is one of the most important factors

is a subject worth consideration but for the moment I will concentrate on the property it-

your guest will be needing their services. On

when it comes to having a long term tenant clients. This will mean setting a higher rent

actually staying for a long term.

level and you will be looking to attract a renter who will appreciate what you have to offer.

Heating

By going for the high end clientele you will

When it comes to comfort, then it goes with-

be in a niche market so you may have to be

out saying the beds rank pretty high so a de-

patient when it comes to attracting enquiries

cent bed and mattress are essential if that

and turning them into renters.

Chiropractor isn´t going to be needed again.

You also have to consider that the higher

Heating will not necessarily be something you

percentage of people looking for a holiday or

give much consideration to if you are only

long-term property in this part of Spain are

thinking of summer rentals, but, with the

generally looking for a bargain, especially in

long term market there is a good chance that

G N I T N E

tHE

R

E GUID

TO:

ALL YOU NEEDED TO KNOW...

BUT COULDN’T BE BOTHERED TO ASK! the property will be occupied over the winter

only be in addition to either of the first two op-

light as those with many shades coming off of

months.

tions if you are serious about attracting holiday

the centre can suffer from the con-

You have plenty of options, but again you need

renters, especially if you would like them to

to choose wisely. Air conditioning provides hot

come back in the future.

and cold air so they will provide a very good

Ceiling fans are quite effective

dual option. Electric wall panels, convector

and can often be preferred by

heaters and oil filled radiators are other op-

guests who may have health is-

tions but they can be expensive to run and in

sues when it comes to air con-

the wrong room may have little, if any effect.

ditioning. Ideally, even if you go

The blower heaters are probably the least ef-

for the air conditioning option,

tioning, you

fective and will just eat up the electricity.

ceiling fans would be a good ad-

will see

Portable gas heaters are probably the most

ditional feature.

stant movement of the blades which leads to regular bulb changes.

Air ing With

Conditionair

condi-

widely used form of heating used by expats and do offer the advantage of flexibility of

When it comes to buying a ceil-

movement from one room to another and be-

ing fan try to avoid going for the

ing able to watch consumption costs. The down

cheapest one on offer. Very cheap

side can be that without the user keeping the

fans can be a false economy and

property adequately ventilated they can lead to damp and

by

‘The trick is to try and

upping

budget you

your

slightly

should

get

problems.

educate people on the

Provided the user is

use of air conditioning

only looks the part

made aware of this

and the most effective

but will also stand

and you have some-

way of doing this is by

giving you a num-

one to keep an eye

making them pay for it!’

mould

possible draw back

out for any signs of a problem developing,

something that not

a good chance of ber of years’ service. Make sure whoever

puts

then they are probably the most efficient and

them up knows what they are

economical answer to the heating situation.

doing as you would be surprised what inexperienced fitters can

There are other options such as log burners

end up doing. We once had a

and fitted gas fires but for rental use the ex-

ceiling fan just stop working for

pense of installing these is probably just not

no apparent reason which ended

worth it, unless you intend using the property

up being due to the wiring wrapping itself

yourself for long periods in the winter.

around the fan itself with every revolution until

Now, a more familiar topic and that is combat-

it could no longer move!

ing the heat. There are only really two options,

Unless you have a second ceiling light in the

ceiling fans or air conditioning. Yes you can

room in question, then go for a ceiling fan with

provide stand up fans but these really should

a light and preferably one with just a centre

11

Thinking of Renting Your Property in Spain?

Continued:

many offers displayed in all manner of places.

that are provided with the meter which guests

The list is pretty much endless when it comes

Try and go for an installer who is known to

must pay for on arrival or in advance. It´s

to trying to cover everything that a potential

you or recommended by a friend, neighbour

surprising how people become so much more

renter may be looking for but the following

or your managing agent. If you can, go for a

responsible when using the air conditioning

basic items should be provided if you are seri-

reasonable quality rather than the cheapest

when they are paying for it.

ous about attracting renters.

on offer.

The other payment option is to stipulate an

Kitchen: Oven and hob, microwave, fridge

You want to try and have units that are going

additional supplement which guests must

freezer, kettle, toaster, cutlery, crockery, pots,

to be reliable for many years and not need

pay if they wish to make use of the air con.

pans, utensils, glasses, tin and bottle opener,

renewing after the first seasons´ use.

Where guests choose not to go for this option

corkscrew, sharp knife, tea towels, chopping

Many people do worry over the cost of pro-

you can have the remotes removed from the

board, rubbish bin. It goes without saying

viding air conditioning where guest misuses

property and just hope that they are not fa-

that you must cater for the number of people

them during their stay. As a feature, air con-

miliar with air conditioning enough to get the

that could sleep in your property.

ditioning does help to attract renters espe-

units working without the remotes.

Bedrooms: Decent quality beds and mat-

cially if they are aware of just how hot it can

tresses, bedding for summer and winter use

be at the height of summer. Some people will

Another option would be to let your rental

(minimum 2 changes), coat hangers and stor-

not even consider a property that has no air

rates reflect an allowance for providing the

age space for clothes. Pillow and mattress

conditioning.

units and going some way towards your elec-

protectors.

Where air conditioning is provided, there is

tricity consumption costs or just swallow the

Living area: Comfortable seating, dining table

a tendency to believe that it should just be

cost altogether.

and chairs, Television with either some form

left on

constantly to guarantee a fridge like environ-

of system (UK if aiming at that market) DVD

ment when the guest returns from a hot day on the beach. The truth is that most air con units are so efficient that you will feel the

G N I T EN

tHE : E TO

GUID

R

player if no satellite TV. CD player.

Bathroom: Bath mats, bath and hand towels (to cater for number of guests) Shower

curtain

or

screen.

Vanity

mirror. Small storage cabinet, toilet

brush, small bin. Other equipment: Clothes

Lastly

a

airer and pegs. Iron and Ironing board. Ex-

of turning it on. In fact, when it comes to use

sensor that will work with certain units

ternal table and chairs. Mop, bucket, broom

in the bedroom, people often end up pulling

which can be set to turn the unit off if no

and dustpan.

sheets and covers over themselves during the

movement is detected within a set time. One

Obviously, this list is not exhaustive as there

night as they become too cold.

last point on air conditioning, unless you plan

are many other items that you should be pro-

to fit units throughout your property then al-

viding for the benefit of your guests and to

Educate your tenants

ways concentrate on the bedrooms, particu-

help protect your property and furnishings

The trick is to try and educate people on the

larity upper bedrooms in the case of a house.

and your managing agent should be able to

use of air conditioning and the most effective

If people are hot at night when sitting in the

advise you in more detail.

way of doing this is by making them pay for

living area then they can open the windows

If you are considering letting your their prop-

it! Meters can be fitted to each unit which pro-

and door, it´s getting a good night´s sleep

erty out, then please be aware that the equip-

vides for either coins or cards to be used to

that really impresses guests.

ment and furnishings described above are

benefit of it´s cold air within a few minutes

there

is

power them. Meters usually run on 2€ coins which the guests must supply or with cards

pretty much the minimum requirements that

Basic Items

have to be in place before even considering marketing your property.

Insurance Lastly, make sure you have contents insurance and that your cover allows you to let your property out without invalidating the policy.

Lee Francis started Property Hounds in 2003 and now with 5 area offices has a wealth of experience and will be happy to help any owners who have questions about the benefits of using a professional managing agent.

Visit the head office web site at www.propertyhounds.com and let us know if we can offer any assistance

our thanks to:

www.propertyhounds.com 10

ask@thejungledrums.com

La Marina

contact us on ask@thejungledrums.com

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Welcome to this month’s computer article written by Richard from BlueMoon Solutions Well it’s June again, and summer is here - well it should be! I’m sitting writing this outside the Hostal Galicia in La Marina in a comfortable twenty something degrees with black rain clouds overhead!

I think I know why it’s about to rain - friends of ours from the UK arrived to stay with us for a week and so I have decided to blame them for the weather – it’s all their fault OK! Last night I was thinking about the technology

- www.google.co.uk/latitude - allows friends to

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used in getting them from the UK over to our place

see where each other is by sharing the conten-

in Algorfa (every time I tell customers from Gran

tious “location data” that has been in the news

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that?” – it’s about 25 mins down the coast, 10

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mins inland from Guardarmar – you really should

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get out more). Anyway back to the technology (blame the clouds for my mood!)

Google Latitude plots graphically the location of your friends on a map that is regularly updated,

When we started to talk about their trip we need-

so we could actually see our friends progress as

ed, of course, to look at flight details, we used a

they drove down the country. It is probably worth

website called www.skyscanner.net – something

mentioning at this point that they seemed to be

that I am sure most of you will have

stationary for about 30 minutes, so

used before though I was not aware

we assumed that they had stopped

that that you can now access the site

for a ‘comfort break’. We later found

via an iPhone app. It’s a great little tool

out that they had been stopped by

that enables you to carry around the

the Police for speeding, so they ar-

whole database of flight details in your

rived at our house 150 euros poorer!

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pocket.

Having never been there before and

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We found the right flights for them – would you

nates, they were able to navigate 100’s of miles

believe that it was 500 euros cheaper for them

across an unfamiliar country using something

to fly to Madrid and hire a car to drive down

that can fit in the palm of your hand!

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having been given only GPS co-ordi-

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here?! Anyway, they decided that it would be nice to see a bit of the city and the drive down isn’t

Ok, I know that all of this was possible before the

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too arduous so they went that way. They then

invention of the Internet, before hand held smart

needed to know how to get from Madrid to our

phones and even before mobile phones existed

finca in the country outside Algorfa, this involved

( - yes, I am easily old enough to remember that

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more technology! I sent the GPS co-ordinates to

time!)

them - they were so easy to find, I just went to

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the exact location of the finca it was just a mat-

the answer to everything but, used for the right

ter of right clicking it and “dropping a pin” – that

application, with the right technology it can make

then gave me the exact GPS co-ordinates for our

life sooooo much simpler.

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However it would have involved maps,

house.

Well that’s about it for this month, I hope you Our friends Chris, Linda and their kids Joe and

have found it useful, remember that you can see

Ella were able to put this information into their

all of our articles on our website at www.blue-

satnav system in Madrid (well let’s be honest,

moonsolutions.es/articles

Joe, Chris’s 12 year old son probably did it for him!) and it plotted a route direct to us.

Both Chris and I have iPhones, so we used another great iPhone application to enable us to track his progress through the country, Google Latitude

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1. Evaluate 6. Theatrical piece 10. Fix a leak 14. Capital of East Pakistan 15. B __ Railroad 16. Money in Milan 17. Make use of 18. Gas sign?

19. Mayberry man 20. Variety for 37 across 23. Looks at 24. Places where scrubs are worn 25. Cell user?

26. Actress Lupino 27. Wear and tear 28. Granola grain 31. Be there 35. Hesitator’s word 36. A convex shape 37. Pioneer, Chapman 41. Chills 42. Exists 43. Basic shelter 44. Reel holder 45. Synonym for 38 down 47. __-de-mer (seasickness) 48. King Kong, e.g.

49. Entertaining 50. It’s played by an ‘’angelo’’ 54. Baker’s option for 20 across 59. Hot zone 60. Pupil’s colorful place 61. Zones 62. Go over 63. Shower material 64. __ prosequi (court-record entry) 65. Facile 66. Shout 67. Map in a map

Down

1. Wise saying 2. __ Truffle (Beatles song) 3. Bathroom item, maybe 4. Sulphuric and hydrochloric 5. Harvard rival 6. Bullock of “Speed” 7. Supports for proposers, perhaps 8. TV’s “American ____” 9. Restorative drinks 10. Flat area 11. Type of type 12. Language of Pakistan 13. Talese and others 21. Simpleton 22. Miler Sebastian 26. Lodge 27. Guy at the plate 28. Sign 29. Help a hustler 30. Kind of list 31. Opened a crack 32. Like some orders 33. Fall follower?

34. Newark to Cape Cod (dir.)

35. FedEx rival 36. Second-largest English-speaking country 38. Synonym for 45 across 39. 10 down to a gaucho 40. Slippery one 45. Wall St. debut 46. Funny business 47. Clam’s relative 48. Irk 49. Perk 50. Cook’s cover 51. Cambodian dollars 52. Norman Vincent __ 53. Something in the plus column 54. Went fast 55. Place for 60 across 56. Commies 57. Shallowest Great Lake 58. Indian princess

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10. Chances 14. St. __ Girl (German beer) 15. Canal 16. Nota ___ 17. The A in E.A.P. 18. Buster, perhaps 19. Part of Veni, vidi, vici 20. Imitating Little Bo-Peep 23. Asp has one 24. __ roll 25. In and of __ 28. Lao __, father of Taoism 29. God in Gaul 31. Norma __ (Field movie) 32. Spend a night 35. Transportation sector 37. Abu __ 39. Imitating RinTinTin 42. Bury 43. Wing-like 44. “September ___”, Diamond song 45. Street equipment?

46. Fashion designer, Michael 48. Western hemisphere grp.

50. __-sack 52. United 53. What Bo-peep wants to hear 56. Imitating Mr. Ed 60. Disagreeable person 62. Hands-on item 63. Lavigne 64. Round up leaves 65. French 101 verb 66. Present or past, e.g.

67. It could be gray 68. Butters 69. Often used key

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JUNE 2011 “Hullabaloo” should be your preferred all encompassing event-word this month. Use it thus: “What’s all this hullabaloo going on?” “I just love all this hullabalooing” and “You are invited to my hullabaloo: I’ve got a cask and nibbles, man.”

This month’s money saving fashion tip for male Taurus is to shave only twice a week... enjoy that outdoorsy/sporty look of three day stubble.

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Your attempts to grow a mustache continue to be beset with celestial problems this month, as Saturn’s influence over your body hair continues to increase. Favor hairstyles tight on your head as any dangly bits will be affected by high tides and gyrations of the planets. (Your worst fears are confirmed: Bad hair days really are the work of the planets.

As predicted last month your attempts at interior decoration led to an alcoholic binge 3 points below Charlie Sheen on the party Richter scale.

Even though you have cleared up most of the bottles, there are still some arranged in places only those with a true flair for interior decoration could possibly think of.

You still haven’t fully come to terms with the realization that over 45% of world internet downtime is down to you and your Leo accomplices. Meditate, seek counseling, but whatever you do, and for the love of all that is holy in this world, stop pressing F6 when you are browsing the internet.

A bank that needed bail out money, a man who always wears a flat cap and a student wearing a Che Guevara t shirt are three signs from the planets due to be sent to you to warn you of something or other this month.

Welcome bacteria in all its forms this month, especially on Saturdays.

Folk singing in plain brown, or brown plaid old jumpers, possibly with faux leather arm patches, a medium unkempt beard, doing pitch exercises with your voice before putting you hand to you ear to start singing, and a glass of cider more than three quarters finished, are all spectacularly well starred this month especially after 8pm on Tuesdays and every other Thursday starting from the 14th.

Using everyday food items to defend yourself from ruffians, street fighters and pick pockets, has never been better starred. Saturn suggests a quick jabbing motion with a French baguette, a club over the head with a large pineapple and banana skins to slip them up (fruit fighting tip of the month: the eating part of a banana is just as slippery as the skin - use this knowledge wisely in your battles young warrior.)

If you have ever fancied being shot from a cannon now seems to be the luckiest time to do it as Neptune tilts half a degree or so from the perpendicular. Ensure you wear a crash helmet from the moment you get out of your car.

Favor breast stroke over back stroke in any of your emergency swimming needs this month, particularly if you are being chased by murderous sharks as watching it coming really doesn’t spur you on as much as you might think.

Write ticks rather than crosses when filling out any kind of official form this month, and avoid writing two or more letters in text areas designed for one character per box as this confuses the authorities and may make red terror alerts start flashing next to your name on the computer which won’t be helpful next time you need to get a loan if it isn’t from a bank in the Middle East.

Scaffolding, yachting and piano tuning are about to become lucky this month, as a desultory Uranus takes on career advice for all Aquarius until well into November.

Rock stars who wear heavy eyeglasses should continue to be your preferred head banging rock dance choice this month, especially if they wear trendy looking mullets in colorful but time faded pre YouTube video

A staple gun, an axe, and a chainsaw, are your lucky murderous tools of horror this month, especially in the dark moonless hours when nothing seems to stir but the hanging chair which bangs against the dilapidated shack in the middle of the woods.

A spontaneous decision to go camping is set to be quickly reversed in a bizarre coincidence involving an ice cream cone, a picture of Elvis and a lost screwdriver set.

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ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

THE BOLNDE JOKE...

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irri-

alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!”

tated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, “Well, little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?”

Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A -

Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the

hand.

Spanish Armada.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to

reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.

“Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

managed to flip the gator onto its back.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration

levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was

“SHIT! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!”

factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Man is a woman’s best friend.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels that she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.”

They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old

No wait...... sorry....... I’m thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that.

Sorry.

Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this week weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese

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Friday, May 27, 2011

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BAR 4 SALE Local Spanish & English Bar Well Known 100,000€ Call 679 096 309 10 cold drinks /snack vending machines with sites 39,900 euros. Excellent cash income, no overhead, operate from home 31,000 euros NETT per year one day p.w. to service.25 Pringle vending machines with sites 14,900 euros 250 euros per week NETT guaranteed, machines and sites available individually. 965 326 442 / 659 696 455 (09) Bar for sale. Quesada area.

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PROPERTY FOR RENT FOR RENT & SALES APARTMENT GRANT ALACANT: Luxury apartment in residential 200 mt from Beach, 2 Bath, 2 Bedrooms (75 mt2). Furnished & parquet. Big corner terrace with southsea views (28 mt2).

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PROPERTY FOR SALE 1 bed, 1 bath south facing apartment in Mirador (Villamartin) 39,995 euros !!

Call Darren 629 891 685( BLC00156) (14) Beautiful ground floor 1 bed, 1 bath large apartment in Lago Jarin 1 49,995 euros!!

Call Darren 629 891 685 (BLC00162) (14) 2 bed, 1 bath apartment in Torrevieja, ready to move into only 57,950 Call Darren 629 891 685 (BLC00158) (14) www.paramountpropertymurcia.com 70 metres from beach/facilities Torrevieja sea views 3 bed 1 bath apartment furnished 89,000 euros 30 mins from Paramount Resort email independentestate@hotmail.com tel 625 457 555 Independent Estates independent advice near Sucina & Balsicas Finca 3 bed 1 bath 960 metre plot country living near golf & towns 20 mins Paramount resort 159.995 euros www.paramountpropertymurica.com Tel 625 457 555 Independent Estates independent advice Golf Apartment reduced from 145,950 euros to 85,245 euros 3 bed 1 bath 20 min to Paramount resort email independentestates@hotmail.com www.paramountpropertymurcia.com Tel 625 457 555 See website for full listings and information at www.paramountpropertymurcia.com Viva Villa and Vacation Services are pleased to offer property sales for the Torrevieja and Oriheula areas of the Costa Blanca, Spain.

Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (15) Ref: 513, €115,000. Two bedroom ground floor apartment, in Aguas Nuevas, close to all amenities including the beach. It has a good size lounge, kitchen and has off road parking facilities.

Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (15) Ref: 521, €105,000. This comfortable bungalow is located in San Luis with a new roof and solarium tiles.

It is close to supermarkets, bars, restaurants and is on the local bus route.

Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (15) Ref: 520, €105,000. Two bedroom apartment in Dream Hills, with a fully equipped kitchen, large lounge, glazed-in terrace and a large solarium. This property comes with a large communal swimming pool.

Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (15) Ref: 516, €39,999. Studio apartment in San Luis, close to amenities. Open plan fully equipped kitchen. Good sized lounge, bedroom and out onto balcony which has been glazed to create another room.

Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (15) Ref: 510, €79,999.

Bungalow located in San Luis. It is close to the supermarkets, bars and restaurants and is on the local bus route. An Opel Corsa car is included in this sale.

Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (15) Ref: 146, €85,000. Three bedroom two bathroom quad house in Dream Hills.

Off road parking on the front driveway with gates that can be padlocked for security.

Call: 966 707 188 or 626 397 397 (15)

SITUATIONS VACANT

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SALON MARGARETHAS 23 years in Torrevieja, Hair/Wig Specialist for Medical Illness & Hair Loss problems. We offer different Hair Replacements, top fillers, Hair prostheses, Toupees and Wigs, Natural & Artificial Hair and much more also fashion/festival accessories. TV/TS are welcome to our service. Call Margaretha on 966 921 846 or call into Salon Margarethas in Torrevieja (14)

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BUSINESS DIRECTORY CONVEYANCING

AIR CONDITIONING MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 670 260 684

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MAYO Gran Alacant Tel 665 063 228 REFORMNOVA Gran Alacant Tel 96 541 4040 CLINICA VETERINARIA Santa Pola Tel 96 669 2328

TAX ADVICE ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 INVEST SPAIN All Areas Tel. 96 542 9396 MARTÍNEZ Y BALLESTER RABESMA Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8781

PETS LEZSONJA’S BOARDING KENNELS Sax Tel 96 618 2838 MOUNTAIN VIEW CAT HOTEL Hondon Tel. 96 667 7273

TRANSLATORS ANDREA BURNS Gran Alacant Tel 96 669 7824 MITCH BULL Gran Alacant Tel. 638 608 422 MARTÍNEZ Y BALLESTER RABESMA Gran Alacant Tel. 96 669 8781

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