LARGE GARBAGE PATCH DAMAGES ECOSYSTEM

A Birch aquarium worker attempts to simulate the amount of trash this shark would find in its natural habitat.

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

BY DYLAN BLACKIE Staff Writer

In an effort to improve campus sustainability, the University of California, San Diego has decided that it will stop adding to the large garbage patch west of Price Center. After years of inconclusive studies, it was recently determined by a grad student that the large garbage patch was, in fact, causing more harm to the environment than good.

“I know, I’m as shocked as you are,” Chancellor Marye Anne Fox commented when asked about the garbage patch. “I approved quite a bit of funding for that garbage patch, so I’m really disappointed to see it have to be removed.”

It was announced that the garbage patch would gradually be removed over the next two years, at a cost of $3.2 million. Some suggested that the garbage patch simply be placed little-by-little in garbage cans. However, the report also found that all the garbage cans on campus are actually just dumped on top of the pile.

“If we just moved the pile into trash cans, it’d be a huge waste of everyone’s time and money,” University of California president Mark Yudof said. “So I’m all for it.”

Samantha Clemens, a Ph.D. student in environmental systems, spent approximately $1.5 million in grant money conducting research and analysis on the effects of the patch. Against all rational, logical expectations, the investigation found the patch had severely negative effects on the surrounding ecosystem.

The garbage patch was initially installed in 1998 as a part of the Stuart Art Collection. Upon its installment, many students were thrilled to finally have an art piece on campus that accurately represents the school. “I’m really going to miss it,” student Bryce Finnegan said. “Obviously, most art pieces look like garbage, but this was the one installment that literally was nothing but garbage.”

“And the occasional homeless person or transfer student,” he added. “So yeah. Nothing but garbage.”

Overall, student reactions were quite mixed. Some students were so upset that they vowed to keep the patch going themselves, launching a new campaign entitled “Boycott Proper Disposal.” The group makes the argument that removing the patch directly threatens the artificial habitat of native plants. Representatives can be seen on Library Walk passing out flyers, which ask students to leave “all that pointless crap you get on Library Walk” on the patch.

On the other hand, some students were shocked to find that it was even an art piece. “I just always thought a lot of people littered around there,” undergraduate student Julian Nunez said. “I don’t get art.”

Incoming chancellor Pradeep Khosla was surprised when he heard the news about the Garbage Patch being taken down. “You mean to tell me the school that I’ll be working at has had a giant patch of garbage for over ten years? It certainly explains why they felt the need to increase my salary before I even started.”

Khosla later announced that his plan to turn Geisel Library into an on-campus biodiesel refinery would be scrapped.

New Enrollment System Great for Those on the Finish-in-Eight-Program

EDITORIAL You Bastards Better Clap for My Last Lecture

BY PROFESSOR J. CLARKE Really Nice Guy

Look, I get it. You’re busy. You don’t want to waste your time hanging out with a 50-something guy, even if I do look more like a 48-something guy. Honestly, I don’t even care that only five of you have showed up to class for the past three weeks. All I’m saying is, you bastards better clap your goddamn hearts out for me on Friday, or I don’t know what I’ll do.

I guess I haven’t made you want to come to class. That’s probably my fault. It’s not like I even say anything that you can’t read in the book or find on the lecture notes that I so kindly post on TED for you. And I know I gave you three practice tests with answers, and then I took all the test questions from those tests. But some of you still failed. What’s up with that? It’s okay though; I don’t mind if you want to walk all over me as long as you all show up on Friday, then take your two hands and smack them against one another until it sounds like the Hollywood Bowl up in here. That’s all I ask of you. Really. Hey, you, new guy sneaking in 15 minutes late. Yeah, I see you. I bet you didn’t think anyone would notice. Class of 300, it’s not like the teacher knows anyone’s name, right? False. I know Jack, and Rebecca, and Stuart, and Alison, and I know how to spell this other guy’s name, I’m just not exactly clear on how to pronounce it yet. We got real close in here these past few weeks. Shit got real sometimes, but don’t worry, I always turned off the podcast when it did. What I’m really saying is, you’d better fucking clap like your life depends on it at the end of the next class, because maybe it does. I don’t want to rule out the possibility. That just wouldn’t be fair.

Jack, are you filming this? No, don’t stop. You should post it on your Facebook. Because if I’m gonna be perfectly honest, you guys, sometimes I feel like no one listens to the podcast anymore. And you know, it makes me feel sad. But when it does, I just think back to tenth week of last quarter, and imagine a whole room of people clapping for me (me!) and it all seems worth it.

And sometimes I imagine one person not clapping, but I just grab him or her by the neck and shake them until they pass out, and then everything feels okay again too. But I’m sure I won’t have to do that to anyone here. You’re all really excited to thank me for all the work I put in this quarter, aren’t you?

Oh, look at the time. I guess we won’t be able to cover chapter 29 after all, but don’t worry. For every ten solid minutes of raucous standing ovation, I’ll give everyone a point of extra credit on the final.

10. TritonLink has a handy tool for planning it ahead of time 9. You were drunk and got into all the wrong things 8. University sanctioned 7. Mostly just a lot of frustration 6. One time you had to do it on your phone during class 5. Your roommate watched you do it both times 4. You always sleep through it 3. Your academic advisor had to explain it to you three times 2. They’ve had it at Berkeley for years but no one at UCSD wants it 1. No one is satisfied TOPTEN Similarities Between Your Love Life and the Two-Pass Enrollment Sys- tem

“Somebody check that one student,” the professor said. “He looks dead.”

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

BY JERIC PEREDA Staff Writer T he University of California, San Diego’s new two-pass enrollment system has sparked heated criticism, but a recent surge of support emerged last Wednesday from a new group of students enrolled in the finish-in-eight program. This group goes by the name “Full of Undergraduates who Concede, Knowing It’s Terrible,” or F.U.C.K.I.T. for short. Grover Carton, age 43, the group’s president and founder, explained his reasons for supporting this new system. “I was told that college was the best years of your life, and all I needed was a sign to show that I should stay longer. Lo and behold, the new enrollment system fell into our lap like a present underneath the Christmas tree we call life. Also, Mom said I could live at home as long as I’m still in college.”

Carton discussed the efforts his group would make to encourage students to embrace this new system. Their plans include scholarships for those who take classes that are irrelevant to their major or decide to become parttime students for the rest of their time at UCSD.

Carton explained that even if the students receive only a portion of their scholarship due to their part-time standing, it would make it easier to spread their scholarship across their eight years of college.

Members include students who can no longer be undeclared, engineering majors, and double-majors with double-minors, who have few qualms about adding two more years to their current six-year plan. When they heard about this new organization, many shrugged, declaring, “[I hereby pledge my support for the new enrollment system and the group] F.U.C.K.I.T.” Currently the group is made up of ten members, making it the second largest non-religious student organization on campus.

However, those in this group are not the only people to express support for the new enrollment system. Senior Jackie Alexander, a self-proclaimed “thrill seeker,” said: “This is the best thing that could have happened. I love it! I mean sure you can sign up for two of your classes at first, but what about those last two? Some freshman could take that one other class you need to graduate. I love the uncertainty! That rush — it makes me feel so alive!”

This is still the university’s first quarter utilizing the new enrollment system, but many students have already begun petitioning to return to the old enrollment system. The first half of the complaint form is available in the Registrar’s Office, and then there is a twoweek waiting period before the second half can be submitted.

10. You get driven from the back, right? 9. We’re gonna need a taller ladder 8. That’s a pretty big spare tire 7. Every time you get loud I get out of the way 6. We’ve had sex recently 5. Don’t stop, it’s burning 4. I’ve wanted to be in you since I was a boy 3. I can’t believe you fit so many guys in there! 2. I don’t think red suits something that big 1. Save that baby! TOPTEN Things You Can Say About a Firetruck That You Can’t Say to Your Girlfriend