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STATE CUTS FUNDING FOR MATH, K-12 RENAMED K
by The MQ
theMQ.com Page 10
New A.S. Council Tables Resolution to Actually Get Something Done
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BY RYAN GIBBS AND CONNOR BREW Assistant Graphics Editor and Staff Writer T his past Wednesday, the Associated Students of University of California, San Diego’s tabled yet another measure to perform any important or even necessary duties during their next year in office. “It was the obvious choice,” Vice President of Reading Facebook During Meetings Ashley Winters said. “As elected officials, we have a responsibility to really represent the apathetic, uninvolved people who might have voted for us.”
The council also managed to address a staggering 45 budget proposals and 34 resolutions despite spending 2 1/2 of its three-hour meeting discussing members’ weekend plans.
“I skimmed over some of the two-page documents myself, and boy, was I impressed with some of the bubbling on those forms,” Assistant Vice Secretary of Bubbling and Shading, Arthur Green said. “Honestly though, I’m a psych major who only understands Rorschach blots, so all of the numbers and letters went right over my head.”
The apparent strategy of the new council is to look at as many items as possible. Supporters of the new system believe that by increasing the number of reports that cross their desk, the council would increase the number of issues receiving consideration.
“I really don’t understand why the general student body
Inaction, in action.
PHOTO BY KYLE KOERBER
doesn’t send more applications and requests our way,” Inspector General of Online Form Implementation and Analysis With Respect to Items That May Interest The Council At Some Point, Stephen Webber said.
“We’ve made it so easy for students as individuals or as student orgs to get their items addressed,” he said. “All they have to do is fill out three forms on each of our four websites, cross-reference and collate said forms, print them, notarize them, obtain signatures from two separate college provosts, and then deliver them to our hidden mailbox, which really only changes location about seven times a day.”
Such a governmental achievement by the 2011- 2012 student council is largely the result of an overhauled budget request process. Since the funding for the Budget Approval Committee was completely cut by the previous council, new funding and budget requests are immediately handed off to the only other existing committee with the capability to handle them, the Budget Refusal Committee.
Still, council members seek to make it clear they have the best interests of the student body at heart. “We’re a thoughtful bunch,” Head of Snacks and Sodas Jeremy Thompson remarked. “Just yesterday, we baked cupcakes for the entire school.”
“And then we ate them, of course,” he added. “But it’s the thought that counts.”
Due to the A.S. Council’s indefinite tabling of the resolution to get things done, many of the council members are looking to the future. “It definitely makes me think what next year will be like if we’re not doing anything,” one council member said. “Probably identical to this year.”
Parents Brace for Influx of Unemployed College Grads
EDITORIAL If We Drive Out All of the Poor, Everyone Left Will Be Rich!
BY MITT ROMNEY Unopposed Republican Candidate for U.S. President T he other day, while I was on the campaign trail, I was out for a morning stroll with my private security force, armed with barely-legal top-of-the-line weaponry, when I came across a homeless man. He looked up at me and asked me if I had any spare change because he “lost his job” and his “family left him after the bank took the house.” I gave him something far more valuable than one of the spare hundreds I had on me at the time: I told him to start his own business and invest his first million in a foolproof investment. He just scoffed at me and went back to his can of cat food! The snob.
This showed me more than anything that America has been down on its luck for too long. What America needs now is someone to take hold of the reins and steer this patriotic land onto the path toward prosperity. To once again obtain this prosperity — the prosperity of Morgan and Rockefeller — we must increase the percentage of rich people. “How do we do that?” you may ask. My solution is a simple and beautiful one, my friend. America is overrun with the lazy, self-righteous poor, and it is our job as patriotic conservatives to drive them out and raise that desirable percentage of wealthy Americans.
I suppose my answer to your question has prompted another question: how exactly do we get rid of poor people? Fortunately for you, my entire candidacy for president is geared toward that goal. Even opposing gay marriage plays a role in that. For you, and every red, white, and blue-blooded American, I will briefly outline my simple yet effective steps for returning America to the state envisioned by our landand slave-owning founding fathers, who like me refused to acknowledge anyone from the middle and lower classes unless they joined the military.
The first step of my master plan is a perfect example of killing three birds with one big, God-fearing, legislative stone. We must specifically overtax the poor in order to effectively discourage poverty. This will cause a mass exodus for most unwilling to afford basic necessities like food and shelter. For the non-rich that still stay, their taxes will effectively trickle up to us.
The second and final step of my plan entails expanding upon an already existing premise: further privatization of the healthcare industry. Since we control the private sector of the healthcare industry, we will raise the price of insurance, making it too expensive to afford for the unmotivated poor. You can’t protest measures benefiting the wealthy if you’re wheelchair-bound by polio. Healthcare is a privilege, not a fundamental human right. If the poor want to be tied down and kept poor by the evils of free medical care, they can go waste away in some socialist hellhole like Canada. I hear the taxes are especially high this time of year.
10. Founded on Islamophobia 9. Suprisingly ineffective 8. Way too much waterboarding 7. Most effective way to resist is to throw a shoe at the leader 6. Your father is the main enforcer 5. You don’t appreciate the cavity searches 4. Dick Cheney has a large hand in both 3. Both hurt chances of scoring some heroin 2. Couldn’t stand your homosexuality until recently 1. Huge overreaction to one incident with a bomb TOPTEN Similarities Between Your Parents’ Rules and the War on Terror
PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS
BY AURORA LE Web Editor
With summer coming and graduation season approaching, many parents are preparing for the return of their unemployed sons and daughters. The economic recession still has residual effects and employment opportunities are scarce for those who do not at have at least a master’s or doctorate degree. More than 50 percent of college graduates have returned to their parents’ home for the time being until they can find a stable job as a Quizno’s sandwich engineer or quality assurance agent at Trader Joe’s. “I am so depressed! Why won’t anyone hire me?” Lucy Kapoor, a Winter 2012 cum laude graduate with a double major in astrophysics and mechanical engineering, said. “I have spent almost every waking moment of the last four years in Geisel, NOT getting laid, and taking out a metric shit-ton of loans only to find out I’m going to be unemployed? What am I going to do now? Watch CNN all day? There’s no point since I found out Anderson Cooper is gay! Why is the world against me?!”
Not only are college graduates displeased with the current state of the U.S. job market, but parents are dreading the return of their children as well. In suburban neighborhoods across the country, home gyms and wrapping paper rooms have been converted back into normal bedrooms, local Costcos are running out of 64-packs of two-ply toilet paper rolls, and dads are being forced to actually wear pants around the house again.
“I thought after he turned 18, I would get rid of him! I spent 27 hours in labor trying to squeeze him out and 18 years clothing him and feeding him, not to mention dealing with his two-year emo, teen angst, Hot Topic phase,” Margie Whitman, parent of a Stanford graduate, said. “I mean, what about ME time? How the am I supposed to enjoy reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ uninterrupted in the bathtub with Brent prancing around all the time, asking where the friggin’ Bagel Bites are?”
Although many families are disappointed by the impending return of their college graduates, business owners are looking forward to the influx of highly-educated and impoverished consumers, reeking of selfdoubt and cheap drugs.
“Finally! More people will start buying the Dorito shell taco and 64 oz. Mountain Dew!” Taco Bell branch manager Andy Sanders said. “Fremont has too many old people to sell this diarrhea volcano pack but with all the college kids coming back — who will probably be high or drunk all the time as a result of their boredom and depression — these tacos will sell like hotcakes. Oh! Maybe we should add hotcakes to the menu. Frito-crusted hotcakes. Yeah, I’ll make millions with that.”
10. So, I was at this party... 9. You lost the pregnancy weight so fast! 8. They’re real. I’m just a late bloomer. 7. I’ve made a new friend this year 6. Vaccines cause autism 5. I was so popular, the frats rushed me 4. I’m not racist, I go to UCSD 3. I’m a chef at this great restaurant called Oceanview Terrace 2. I was already this fat 1. I love you too, Mom TOPTEN Lies You Tell Your Friends Back Home
theMQ.com Page 11 June 6, 2012
State Cuts Funding for Math, K-12 Renamed K Dining Hall Closures Just First Step in University-Wide Health Initiative
Pictured: a public school before the changes.
BY DYLAN BLACKIE Staff Writer T oday marked major changes in the California state budget, but most shocking was the cutting of the entire math department. “No one was surprised when things like art and music were scrapped,” State Superintendent of Instruction Tom Torlakson said. “But math was always deemed an integral part of a basic education.”
“Hah, integral,” he later added. “I mean, what’s an integral?”
The state of California was hit hard by the recent economic downturn, but fortunately, this new policy change will ensure that no one will ever know whether or not California is in an economic downturn again. Following the announcement, the California department of education hastily decided that the educational levels formerly referred to as “K-12” will now just be known as “K.” It was deemed necessary, seeing as in the near future, people wouldn’t know what the number 12 is. Some argued that the move was irrelevant, seeing as most high school students don’t know what grade they’re in as it is.
“I think the Department of Education could have spent their time much more efficiently,” intern Veronica Stiles commented. “I compiled a quick report analyzing the schedules and budget of the education officials, and if they allocated 35 percent more time to reorganizing the budget, they would be able to save the math program easily.”
Upon receiving the report, an immediate consensus was reached that no member of the Department of Education understood it, and Stiles was fired for all her “fancy number jargon.”
Starting in the 2012-2013 school year, all first through 12th grades will be eliminated, and kindergarten will simply be a 13-year program. “I think the change is great,” said Daniel Lee, a current 11th grade student. “People always tell me that I act like a kindergartener anyways, and now they’re actually right!”
Initially, the department of education was planning on keeping kindergarten as it is, allowing students to apply to colleges directly after one year of kindergarten.
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
However, it turned out that no seven-year-olds wanted to apply to colleges that didn’t have majors in firefighting or being an astronaut.
“I’m really happy with how the new policy will work out,” Amy Sue, Vice Chair of Education, said. “We’ve been able to lay off so many other teachers now that kindergarten teachers are in charge of everything.”
Surprisingly, not all kindergarten teachers were thrilled with the move, as they now have 13 times as many students as before. “This new system is ridiculous. I have a room full of immature, uncontrollable students,” kindergarten teacher Sharon Braeburn said. “They’re huge distractions to my younger students.”
REPUBLICANS BAN GAY TAX FILING TO PRESERVE SANCTITY OF TAX EVASION
Last Thursday, Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner introduced further plans to ban gays in all states from filing joint tax returns. When asked about the sudden offense taken on gay tax rights, Boehner gave the statement, “Um, you know, Jesus and stuff.” One of his fellow congressmen, Ted Grassley, elaborated, “America is a country of family values. If we allow gays to file tax returns, next thing you know, leprechauns, dogs, and Muslims will be allowed to file tax returns, and there will be chaos.”
The measure drew support from many conservative pundits, such as Bill O’Reilly, who have been quick to point out that tax returns should be reserved for husband-wife and husband-young-hot-intern couples only.
Democrats were quick to point out that religion has no place in politics and that the measure is just plain “gay.” They further retorted that Boehner sounds a lot like “boner,” and that’s just really funny. In response, the gay community held a “Gay Tax Pride Parade,” which was found by many to be surprisingly reserved and boring.
The bill may pass in the House, but President Obama has vowed to veto the bill if it appears on his desk, since he started advocating gay rights a few weeks ago. Either way, many speculate that the bill has a very long, hard, and stiff road ahead.
AFTER SUCCESSFUL OIL EXPLOITS INTO GULF OF MEXICO, BP PLANS TO EXPAND OPERATIONS
Following their success in the Gulf of Mexico, BP has announced plans to expand their operations into the Atlantic, just off the Florida coast. While BP reports that it has already begun pumping raw crude, representatives insist that this operation incorporates months of data following the previous Gulf of Mexico expansion. BP promises that their newest venture will bring unprecedented commerce and traffic to the stagnant coast and is likely to spill over into parts of the Bahamas. Given the volume of its operations, BP suggests that residents along participating coastal regions should be excited at news that the pipeline has recently opened.
Top BP executives, who have long boasted of BP’s uncontrolled growth, admit that news of the new Atlantic expansion comes as no surprise and suggest that they have become the nation’s largest supplier of crude oil. “Soon BP will be on the mouths of every American, especially lovers of seafood,” one of several spokesmen announced. While some may approach such large industrial expansion with apprehension, BP’s rampantly optimistic attitude seems to have quelled any concerns. Furthermore, CEO Bob Dudley’s smile has insisted that the company will soon bring new sources of energy to the region, including oil sands, an exciting prospect that the Florida coast is sure to see in the near future.
HERMAN CAIN STILL OPTIMISTIC ABOUT NOMINATION IN REPUBLICAN PRIMARIES
At a press conference last week, former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain expressed optimism and enthusiasm at his chances of winning the nomination. “I’ve seen bigger comebacks before. This can be done,” he said to an audience of over six journalists. “Think back to Jurassic Park. Did the dinosaurs give up? No, they didn’t.”
Despite the fact that the republican primaries ended May 29, and that Herman Cain had previously dropped out of the race months before, he appears to be unfazed. He showed optimism with his commanding lead of the black Republican vote. “I can count on all 12 of their votes,” he beamed at the press conference. In an attempt to garner more votes, Cain has also chosen Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential candidate, a move that he described as a “can’t miss.”
His reentry into the race and premature victory was met with confusion and double entendres from the public. Former Herman Cain supporter Joe Thorsson is now lukewarm about having Herman Cain as president, remarking, “He reminds me of my grandpa. I like him half out of pity and half because he’s just kind of adorable when he gets crazy ideas like this.”
TANNING MOM TANS DOG, GETS ARRESTED AGAIN
Patricia Krentcil, the mother who was controversially arrested after sending her five-year-old daughter to a tanning salon, was recently released from jail late last week to the delight of her family. “Now we can finally eat again,” her daughter said. “Her body was the only source of ultraviolet light fueling our vegetable garden”.
On a follow-up visit to her residence yesterday, Krentcil’s probation officer entered the family living room to find tanning beds and a single Chihuahua dog. “If I can’t tan my five-year-old daughter, then my dog just has to suffer the consequences,” Krentcil told the officer.
“I’m just trying to keep up with society today,” she said, as she was thrown into the custom-made tanning car. Police stated that they were unable to transport Krentcil’s body, because her skin is not receptive to the regular sunlight.
The newborn Chihuahua was taken to the hospital for X-rays, where it unfortunately died from overexposure to radiation. When asked for statements from doctors on the death of the dog, they simply said, “We forgot.” Mrs. Krentcil is currently awaiting trial for harboring illegal tanning beds from Mexico.
“That’s the third severed foot in the deep fryer this year,” student employee Mark Ramirez said. PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
BY COREY BREIER Staff Writer
Facing pressure from the recent public spotlight on obesity in young adults due to first lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign, UCSD Housing, Dining, and Hospitality appointed a special task force to help address this problem. After several months of exhaustive research and evaluation of possible actions the university could take, the team concluded that the best way to improve the health of University of California, San Diego students was to cut out dining hall food from their diets. Many students agree that this may in fact be the best way for them to eat healthier. “Everyone knows the only reason anyone eats at dining halls is because they are right there and you need to get rid of those dining dollars or its just wasted money,” one student noted. “It’s a matter of accessibility. I will eat whatever is closest to me and edible, literally. If you get rid of the gross dining hall food, the next closest thing becomes La Jolla Village, which is definitely a better option. Only issue is then I have to literally starve myself to the point of being hungry enough to make the trip over there. But I am sure HDH took that into consideration when they made this choice, right?”
Some critics have labeled the closings as a bad move, as they note that the dining halls could simply choose to serve healthier foods rather than closing their own establishments. HDH has dismissed these claims as irrelevant, claiming that if students truly wanted to eat healthy they could simply have avoided the dining halls in the first place, and that closures are the only surefire way to ensure student health.
The health initiative will continue to roll onward in the coming months, and is comprised of several steps. The first step of closing a few dining halls on weekends will be followed by the closing of all dining halls on weekends, and eventually the closing of all dining halls on weekdays as well, except for a few strategic evening hours that HDH has deemed “Allocated Trans Fat Hours.”
With the halls closed for the vast majority of the week, students will not be eating there and therefore have no choice but to eat somewhere healthier. The Allocated Trans Fat Hours provide a limited window in which students can be permitted to access the greasy burritos, cheesy meat sandwiches, and days-old cookies by the checkout stand that they remember from the “good old times.”
When pressed for information as to where hungry students who lack cars with which to access off-campus healthy options can turn to, the representative replied, “There are many existing on-campus dining options that are far healthier than the dining halls. For instance, the Price Center Burger King is open 24 hours a day, and Rubio’s fish tacos are a great choice for those who wish to avoid contributing to the deleterious health and environmental effects of the beef industry. And there’s always Subway — you know it worked for Jared!”
10. Work in Price Center 24/7 9. Settle down for tandem nap next to perpetually sleeping professor emeritus 8. Get a job as a TA 7. As long as you keep sleeping at different desks in Geisel they’ll never catch on 6. Go to Mandeville, hold completely still and pretend to be art 5. Get an ADA transport pickup and just never tell them where to drop you off 4. Move onto campus, don’t tell anyone 3. Become really good at hide and seek 2. Tenure 1. Stop having friends, going to parties, or having fun TOPTEN Ways To Secretly Live On Campus Next Year
A lock of her hair!
Best day ever... till we ran through the sprinklers.
15%
54% 12% 18.7%
0.3%
ProtestingWaiting for her to get on stageStalkingIgnoring her emailsAsking her to get off the land your ancestors are buried on
Student interactions with Chancellor Fox: a commemorative pie chart
Owning n00bs and poor students.
Receiving her fourth place medal from the Amateur Science Fair club.
The campaign buttons were a nice touch, but you knew we didn’t have a choice, right?
Marye Anne Yese We Canne
Your favorite fiendish ghoul Chancellor Fox? More like Chancellor ROCKS
Not a fiendish ghoul (honest) Smile for the pepper spray!
We did it guys! We finally consolidated the libraries, and all it took was a UCPD surge.
Who is that guy? And why is he moving in on our lady?
Geoffrey Chaucer once wrote, “All things must end.” He’s dead, so he can’t be that smart. Still, he was right about things and endings. Chancellor Fox, it’s been a great eight years. We hope you’ve had as much fun and incurred as much crippling debt as we have.
A Tribute to Chancellor Foxy
