CIA DISSOLVED, INTELLIGENCE ALL OVER THE PLACE

theMQ.com Page 4 Student Expelled For Shouting ‘Fire’ in Burning Theater

“Fire, could you keep it down? The Diels Alder-reaction — oh god, that burns, oh god, tell my — ” one student said. PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

BY KEVIN QUIROLO Distribution Captain

Warren College student Harry Tasker was indefinitely suspended yesterday without a hearing, becoming the first to be disciplined under the new student conduct code. Tasker was arrested last week for disorderly or lewd conduct following an unexpected outburst in response to a mild inferno he witnessed during a physics lecture in Price Center Theater at the University of California, San Diego.

Police found Tasker disruptively organizing students to leave the theater, in which “an otherwise unobtrusive fire” was “quietly and respectfully raging.” Tasker violently told police that some students with serious burns might need first aid, causing the officers to believe that he may have taken hostages. In response, 15 police officers de-escalated the situation with batons, pepper spray, tasers, two Doberman pincers, rubber-bullets, a flame thrower, and a prison bus they drove through the side of the building. Charges of aggravated kidnapping are pending.

In the mean time, Tasker is being charged under a new section of the student conduct code. The code is too vague to require a hearing, and prohibits any “disruptive, disorderly or lewd interference with the orderly operation of the campus.” An anonymous future Chancellor of UCSD said that, given the choice, he would prefer orderly operations to disorderly or lewd operations.

“I feel unjustly singled-out and victimized by the very school I thought I was protecting,” Tasker griped through deescalated missing teeth. “Fire burns people when it touches them, and I think it was my responsibility keep fire from touching people.”

According to the administration, the solution to the problem lies outside of our control. “Fire is really a state issue,” Vice Chancellor of Resource Management Gary Mathews said. “The campus administration has no control over what the state sets on fire.” Since 2004, the state of California has set 40 percent of the UC system on fire in an aggressive policy adopted during the administration of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Mathews said that burning buildings was an unavoidable aspect of running a university in a dry climate, and that the new conduct code is intended to protect the functioning of the university. “We can’t afford to let students walk out of class just because it is about to collapse in flames — what would they really do with that free time?”

According to a student life survey, a vastly overwhelming supermajority of students agree. In the survey, 90 percent of students responded “no” to the question, “When you are studying for a midterm in two hours, and another midterm in 2 1/2, and a final in three hours, all while working at your second job, do you have time to worry about fire?” On the other hand, only 25 percent responded “yes” to, “When a classmate starts screaming uncontrollably and flailing their arms all over you ostensibly in an effort to save your life, can you concentrate?” For hard-thinking students, it’s statistics like these that demand attention.

“I’m glad we have policies to reduce distractions from learning,” on-fire freshman Alex Hesse said. “What’s worse: me not getting an education because my lecture is disrupted, or every future generation not getting an education because our infrastructure has been razed to the ground?” Survey results suggest that most citizens are like Ms. Hesse and understand the importance of finishing their education before trying to contribute to society.

EDITORIAL Syria Might Possibly Be Headed for a Situation That Could Lead to What Some Might Perhaps Call a Civil War June 6, 2012

BY THE U.N. Everybody’s Pal

Okay, we’ll level with you: things might almost be less than perfect in Syria. But nobody’s perfect, with the exception of Security Council member nations like Russia. Just relax. You tell us, “The country is divided.” Oh, I’m sorry, and the United States is any different? Have you any idea of the bitter conflict of Miller Lite Vortex Bottle versus Coors Light Cold Activated Can that rages on in your backyard, America? Huh?

What we really mean to say is shut up about Syria already! All the time it’s “Syria this” or “Syria that,” and we’ve had enough so give it a rest. Besides, you use phrases like “death toll” and “civilian casualties” so much that they’ve lost all meaning. And what do you care about what happens halfway across the world? Isn’t there a Wall Street you should be occupying, hippie?

What’s so bad about Syrian president Bashar al-Assad anyway? Well, except that his name has “ass” in it. But human resources says we’re not allowed to joke about that anymore. Something about “respecting all cultures” and “juvenile humor” or whatever. You know, they’re a surprisingly ill-humored bunch for a group of people who read foreign names all day long. That job sounds hilarious.

Back to Assad, though: he’s a decent human being, an average Joe who assumed power after the death of his father in 2000. The Syrian president is just a regular guy who’s been forced to make the tough decisions that you can I could never make, like ordering security forces to beat a cartoonist that made fun of him. You think you could’ve done that? I doubt it. Even still, we tried to humor you. We sent our finest monitors to Syria — real classy, 18 inch, Blu-ray capabilities — yeah, they’re pretty sweet. Well let me tell you what our monitors found: nothing. No evidence of a civil war. In fact, it’s so peaceful over there that we haven’t even heard anything from the monitors at all.

More importantly, all this Syria business is distracting us from the real issues, like the fact that South Sudan is now — and has been since July of 2011 — a country! And their first president is black! But you don’t see anyone rolling out the red carpet like they did for Obama. The nerve.

Trust us on this one. After all, isn’t this kind of our thing? I mean, can’t you see how we handled the whole Yugoslavia thing? And don’t even get me started on that time we went to Kuwait with H.W. Bush. So leave us alone. Let us do our job. What do we look like, the goddamned League of Nations? Don’t answer that.

CIA Dissolved, Intelligence All Over the Place

“Durrrr,” CIA director David Petraeus grunted from his office in the George Bush Center for Intelligence. “There go intelligence; this not look good.” PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

BY JOSHUA BIDWELL Copy Editor L ast month, United States President Barack Obama announced that due to increasing political pressure, the Central Intelligence Agency would be abolished and dissolved completely. This simple move would have unforeseen circumstances as intelligence was quickly decentralized and scattered all over the nation, leading to higher average test scores, higher employment, and even less support for wars on foreign soil. Congress and members of the American public have heavily criticized Obama for this turn of events.

Senator Jefferson Rothschild (R-TX), who is known for his controversial ties to organizations such as Blackwater and the National Rifle Association, is the most outspoken of critics against this new surge of intelligence, now popularly known as the “Obamenlightenment.”

In recent months, Rothschild has been gathering support in his home state for a new war on the nation of Burkina Faso, claiming: “We can totally win this one, guys. And they’re probably Muslim.” Since the dissolution of the CIA, his support has dropped to virtually zero.

After the collapse of his campaign against the African nation, Rothschild stated in a press conference, “Fine, Texas will just secede from so-called ‘President’ Obama’s elitist snob dictatorship and go to war ourselves!” He is expected to be defeated in a landslide in the upcoming November senate elections.

Obama is also facing pockets of opposition from his own party after the decision. “My constituents keep calling my office and telling me I’m not representing their interests,” congressman Stephen Dolan (D-NH), known as the third-most assertive Democrat in Congress with a total four votes on various measures across his 32-year career, told the press. “So what, I’m supposed to drop Pfizer and the NRA and start showing up to hearings? I can only do so much, you know.” Many members of the American public are also angered with the decision of the president, claiming that it has been an invasion of their daily lives. “Thursday nights used to be the night my daughter and I would watch ‘The Bachelor’ together. Now she just keeps herself locked in her room with that damn Faulkner book,” Claire Robinson of Irvine, California told local reporters. “And why do I suddenly care about Greece’s possible default on European loans? This is clearly a big government invasion on my privacy.”

Although many have been vocal in resisting the change to American life, much good has come of the current events involving the CIA’s dissolution and the explosion of intelligence across the nation. The positive changes are most notably seen in California. The state’s previously unsustainable budget has been balanced, unemployment has decreased to a mere two percent, and the state has set new records in standardized federal testing, smashing the state’s 2010-2011 testing average with a new rating of “slightly below average.” Teachers in the state have been reported to have a massive positive change of attitude, as the state’s new budget gives them enough salary to allow teachers to stop drawing welfare checks.

Although similar changes have been seen across the nation, the state of North Carolina is reportedly the only state to have been successful in blocking out the new surge of intelligence entirely.

10. Advocates for STEM initiatives 9. Met President Obama 8. Lasts longer without water than you would expect 7. Ingests flies in five to seven days 6. Doesn’t look good with bright red lipstick 5. Given to your family to make you feel better about your grandma’s death 4. Equal public speaking skills 3. Withered 2. It doesn’t do anything, but you’ve kind of grown attached to it anyway 1. Requires regular fertilization TOPTEN Similarities Between Chancellor Fox and a Potted Plant

10. UCSD students learn how to talk to each other 9. Eye contact is mandatory at all times 8. Career fairs now legal holidays 7. Whales have viable chance of survival 6. Everybody would stand in circles infinitely 5. Currency replaced with Korean short ribs valued at seven U.S. dollars 4. Face AIDS eradicated 3. Israel/Palestine situation still unchanged 2. Ron Paul has a chance at being president 1. Opinions would change if you yell loud enough TOPTEN Changes to the World if it Were Run by Solicitors on Library Walk

theMQ.com Page 5 June 6, 2012

Area Man Excited to Vote in Local Election Career Quiz In need of a career change? In need of a career? Well, we can help you with neither of those things. We can offer you a useless career-related quiz. Ready? Too bad.

1. How would you spend a leisurely Sunday afternoon? (a) A nice stroll down the beach, sans parasol. (b) What is leisure? (c) Running through the streets of Rio with an AK-47 casually thrown over my left shoulder and a Brazilian supermodel over my right.

2. Which of these is not like the other?

Wilson also received the opportunity to exercise his right to remain silent after being arrested for setting up a tent in a public place. PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

BY JESSI CARR Associate Content Editor

According to dozens of eyewitnesses, San Diego resident Eric Wilson triumphantly exited the polling booths of his local elementary school yesterday afternoon around 4:17 p.m. with a smile on his face and an “I Voted” sticker proudly displayed on his lapel.

Ever since receiving his voter’s information guide in the mail almost a month ago, Wilson has spent hours poring over the propositions and candidate statements presented within, even making trips to his local library to search for supplemental literature on the candidates, most of whom are nonexistent. “He kept coming in here, day in and day out, asking me if we had anything on Board of Education candidate Lyn Neylon,” librarian Neal Valdiva explained. “All we had was a microfiche of some story run on her for winning citizen of the month in elementary school ages ago, but he specifically asked to read it on three separate occasions, claiming that ‘It’s a tough decision, especially when her opponent Jerry Rindone received a perfect attendance award in seventh grade.’”

Neighbors also caught note of his increased fervor for political franchise. “In the past few weeks he’s put up so many campaign signs in his yard, often for both parties,” disgruntled neighbor Alice Wu complained. “He says he’s trying to raise awareness for us all, but all it’s done is make me aware of the fact that he is violating at least seven homeowner’s association guidelines.”

Despite the fact that as a registered Democrat Wilson will not need to participate in the national presidential elections until November, years of public service announcements and family influence inspired him to take the time to cast his vote for the good of the city. “My mother once spent three hours on the phone with her best friend Sharon discussing the hairstyles and handbags of candidates for PTA president when I was in third or fourth grade,” Wilson recalled.

“And now that she’s gone, I know that this is the best way I can make her memory live on,” he said, gesturing to an ornate urn on his mantle that read “Dukakis ‘88.”

In addition to his intensive research on the candidates, Wilson also attempted to go to as many debates and campaign events as possible, which often resulted in him being one of the few people in attendance. This allowed him plenty of opportunities to personally question the candidates on pressing issues, like their stances on sustainability-enhanced synergistic ecosystems.

“I’m completely confident that I have made informed decisions on candidates who will better my community and my city,” Wilson declared. “Except for the Superior Court Judge position. I just voted for Garland Peed because he has a funny name.”

Popular Girl Uses Real Voice Accidentally, Becomes Momentarily Tolerable

“I really wish I kept the receipt for these friends I bought,” Morgan lamented.

BY IVANNA TOBOGGAN Staff Writer

Last Tuesday in Price Center, popular sorority girl Leslie Morgan accidentally let her real voice slip out and became momentarily tolerable for the first time in her four years of college. “I…I just like don’t like know what happened. Like, oh my gosh,” Wong quickly stated. “That’s like totally not my normal voice at all. I was like just probably hoarse from shouting too much at that rave last night. PARTY GIRL FO’ LIFE! Whoo!” It was reported that Morgan was ordering her usual almond milk tea at Tapioca Express, when suddenly her voice began to crack. This resulted in her high pitched tittering, faux-accented, baby-cooing speech to lower several octaves.

“I just couldn’t believe my ears,” Tapioca Express cashier John Davis commented. “As in they weren’t bleeding like they usually are whenever I have to talk to this chick.”

Davis continued: “She’s been coming here for four years, and every single time she orders I just want to take a chicken skewer and poke out my eardrums. Her squeaky, ‘cutesy’ voice is jarring — think a cracked out, screeching harpy in leggings. Not to mention, she makes the most complicated orders like requesting soymilk, exactly 15 boba in her drink, and a pastel pink straw! Just drink the friggin’ drink normally or don’t drink it at all!” Another passerby, Michael Stevens, noted that he was entranced by the voice. “I had never heard anything so beautiful before — even more engrossing than Beethoven’s Seventh Symphony, better than if Beyonce were to whisper sweet nothings into my ear. I just knew I had to find out to whom that lovely voice belonged, so I could profess my undying love to her. Love at first sound. Ahhh…can you hear the angels singing? I sure do.” Since Morgan’s slip-up last week, many girls across campus have begun to drop their

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

façade and returned to speaking in their normal register.

“Shit just got real, literally!” Katie Pearson, a thirdyear Muir College student said. “All this time I’ve been huffing helium to try and attract guys, because I heard men love it when women sound like a cat in heat. But now — now I realize I can be myself. This is so deep! It’s like the time when I found out Rocky Mountain oysters are not oysters but actually bull testicles.”

Morgan has not been seen since the incident but it has been rumored that she has been kicked out of her sorority for ruining their image, and has filed a restraining order against Stevens.

(a) (b) (c)

3. What are your post-bac goals? (a) Well, I took something called the LSAT? (b) Taking a sixth year is a perfectly valid option. (c) Become Ryan Gosling.

4. What is your income tax rate? (a) Cash monies. (b) 7.75 percent of $0.00. (c) Ha, the one percent has a negative effective tax rate, friend.

5. What is your spirit animal? (a) Johnny Cash. (b) Spirit bear. (c) I went to this school specifically because I have no spirit….

6. If you could be any comic book character that performed an office duty, who would you be and what would you do? (a) Wonder twins: Form of snarky gossip and water cooler. (b) Superman: Can sleep with brunette co-workers in a single bound. (c) The Riddler: Excel spreadsheet creation.

7. What can you most picture yourself doing? (a) Sleeping face-down in a puddle of urine (unclear if it’s mine). (b) Performing life-saving surgery on antisocial conjoined twins. (c) Explaining the difference between broccoli and health insurance to Justice Scalia.

8. What’s your reading level? (a) A 12-year-old peasant girl from the 12th century, e.g., Rep. Rob Woodall, R-GA. (b) Rep. Dan Lungren R-CA. (c) Dr. Dolph Lungren.

Count up your answers; then see below. Can’t read upside-down? No problem, simply rotate the page.

Mostly C’s: You read this far! Well, with that kind of determina- tion, you could go anywhere, do anything, be anyone. But we both know you won’t.

Mostly B’s: You are a cold, calculating, lifeless fiend, so it looks like actuarial science is your game: the only science that allows you to analyze your own morality!

Chances are, you’ll get tired of all the sex you’ll be having and hung-over from all the crazy parties that you’ll go to this summer. Don’t worry, though — Thom- as Edison invented the beach in 1851 for that very reason*! With that, enjoy our guide to the beach. After avoiding that terrifying and foreign place where the land touches that blue thing for the last four years, you’ll need it.

*Though Leonardo DiCaprio brought it to life with his beautiful blue eyes.

He’ll give me mouth to mouth, and then we can make out! I saw this shit in a movie. Really, really lost Cuban refugee What to bring to the beach? Concrete shoes: Great for sleeping with fishes Dying body board: Sick waves, sweet prince. . . Dead body board: Got it! This is so much easier now that he isn’t fighting back! Dignity: Just kidding, leave that at home. Let’s be honest, nature sucks. Maybe if you bring these things it will suck less. Yacht: How will everyone else know you’re filthy rich? Aside from your La Jolla zip code. A book: If you’re a loser. Who reads anyway? Your stepdad’s collection of first editions for a bonfire: You’re not my dad! And neither is this Fitzgerald guy! His book is on fire! Blow-up doll raft

Snorkeler

Dead snorkeler

It’s not beer. We swear.

Somebody in a lab coat told us that the sun can give you moles, that moles are bad, and that they can give you cancer. That beauty mark your mom said made you special might actually be cancer. Sorry.

Really trying to get that sponsorship

The Democratic People’s Republic never sleeps.

Incredibly Useful map of New York subway system Probably a tattoo

Cancerous

Extraneous back nipple

Sharpie from your last party

Antisocial media

You may have been shot, sir.

Socialism on Rise in Europe, Obama Unsure How to Feel About It

BY JACK BEEGAN Assistant Content Editor W ith European elections resulting in large victories for the left, what remains of the free world is looking to its leader, noted socialist Barack Obama, for guidance. However, recent reports suggest that the president is unsure as to how he should respond. Many rumors suggest that the president feels torn between his American duty to hate those goddamn commie pinko European bastards and his secret socialist Muslim agenda to promote godless European values.

“I don’t know,” the president said. “I mean, I guess it’s cool or whatever if you’re into that kind of thing.”

Some believe he is trying to hide what reports have referred to as “excitement.” The president was said to have been unable to sleep before France’s recent presidential election and spent the night repeatedly calling election officials for polling updates. Details regarding Obama’s familiarity with France’s unique number system are disturbingly scarce. “Obama’s discretion is pretty reasonable,” political commentator Victor Gosbank said. “He had already done his job for the Party in becoming America’s first socialist president, but that office is worthless unless he can bring full communism to the entire planet.”

Insiders say Obama has taken to spending hours

The White House still denies that the president ever inhaled Marxism. PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

in the Oval Office with the door closed, learning French in order to communicate with French President-elect and fellow comrade François Hollande. “The commander-in-chief intended to learn Greek at one point but decided against it after expressing his frustration with pronouncing the word ‘gyro,’” White House staffer Karla Luxembourg said. “He felt a yogurt-based cultural exchange might work better.” Analysts have noted a distinct lack of past evidence on Obama’s reactions to similar events that might shed light on this issue. No records of Obama’s feelings towards the spread of Islam during the seventh and eighth centuries are available. In what seems to be an attempt at an elaborate cover-up, national archivists have issued a statement, saying, “Our records do not go back that far,” and “It is unlikely that there is written documentation of something the 43 rd president of the United States said from 610-750 C.E.”

Furthermore, Obama was noted to have been “suspiciously quiet” during the Russian Revolution of 1917 and did not even appear at a single meeting of the House Committee on Un-American Activities from its 1947 inception to its 1975 abolishment. In fact, Obama has a long history of being tight-lipped with his opinions, a quality he may have learned at Jakarta’s famed Madrassa for Radical Marxist Thought and World-wide Shariah, where some say he studied as a teenager.

While Obama has tried to remain neutral on the issue, Vice President Joe Biden has continued with the blunt manner for which he has become known. “Socialists in Europe? Reagan would be seeing red.” Sources offer conflicting information on what Biden thinks “VP” stands for, though most would suggest he believes himself to be the first Catholic American to serve as Viceroy of Puns.

Thus far, Obama has been able to buy himself enough American support with Osama bin Laden’s death. Soon, however, the president will have to choose between his God-given duty as leader of the free world or his radical ideologies. After all, Hawaii is currently a vote away from being the next member of the European Union.

Professor Learns How to Log on to World Wide Web Internet Browser, Embraces Web 2.0 Cloud Social Media Technology

POINT My Roommate and I Have Very Clear Boundaries

BY CONNOR FALKENSTEIN Large Personal Bubble I only have one rule: you must respect all of my rules. This especially applies to my roommate, Ryan, whom I found on Craigslist. Surprisingly, none of my former suitemates from my freshman year wanted to live with me.

Since I figured I had to deal with whatever I got on Craigslist, I was fortunate that Ryan is a fairly reasonable man. He respects my cardinal rule: cross your heart and hope to die, no matter what, under no circumstances, unquestionably never, ever store the milk in the refrigerator door.

Ever since Ryan grasped the concept of my cardinal rule, it’s been relatively smooth sailing. But I do continually have to ring up the roommate contract I made him sign. I’ve looked it over

with my father’s lawyer and that document is literally ironclad. I did that because my last roommate tried to burn the copy I had him sign. I sometimes question inviting a roommate to live with me. After all, it’s a huge step, letting someone breathe the same air as you every single night. But you know, Ryan’s a good roommate. And I’m told it’s always better than falling asleep to the empty echoes of your lonely sobs.

COUNTERPOINT Stop Putting up Barriers Between Us

BY RYAN ROBINSON Misunderstood Bro I t’s one thing to wall me off with all of these rules, but a picket fence between our beds? I can’t believe I would get that treatment after being the only person that responded to your pathetic Craigslist ad. It’s time you grew up and realized that your daddy isn’t always going to pay for your living expenses or your grades. I understand each person deserves his own privacy, but since when can’t a bro compliment a bro on his physique? If there’s anything I need to apologize for, it’s appreciating a healthy, toned body when I see one.

Wait, at this point it seems like I’m getting vicious and letting it all out, but I didn’t really mean those words. I’m sorry, bro. I hope there’s a way, and I mean any way, that I can make

it up to you.

Lately I’ve been going through some confusing times, and I sure as hell appreciate any company I can get. There were definitely misunderstandings with my former roommates as I guess we just weren’t seeing eye-to-eye. Deep down, I guess I’m interested in your wellbeing and want to really get to know you, you know? So I’m asking you, Connor, please tear down this wall. Our beds are literally five feet away from each other.

“This sure is worldwide; I’ve already been contacted by a Nigerian prince.”

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

BY ROBIN BETZ Design Editor W ith the advent of new technologies for teaching and learning, many professors are struggling to keep up with the times. Dr. Philip Jackson, a professor of literature at the University of California, San Diego, is trying his best to counteract this trend by making efforts to incorporate technology into the classroom. Recently, Dr. Jackson received a $10,000 grant for new computer equipment from Calit2’s Loans and Opportunity for Literature in Academic Research and Technology (LOLART).

He used the grant to purchase a MacBook. “This computer really has had a transformative effect on my teaching,” Dr. Jackson said. “Before, my style was more pedagogical than interactive, but now the anticountervisionary etiology of 18 th century Caribbean feminist literature really comes to life.” Many students were thrilled with their increased ability to interact with their professor. “Before buying his laptop, Professor Jackson was really hard to talk to. He kept falling asleep in office hours while reading printouts of my paper,” Jaquelyn Williamson, a literature major, said. “Now, I can tweet him each and every revision of my thesis statement!”

Despite Williamson’s statement, Dr. Jackson insisted he was not a member of Twitter. “I’m on the face thing,” he said, and then added with a wink, “and, y’know, the one with the naked ladies.”

“Oh god,” Williamson said. “I thought he was telling me to focus more on the dynamics of memoir and bildungsroman in lesbian communities! I guess this explains why I got an A, though.”

Not all of Jackson’s students were pleased with the professor’s use of technology in the classroom. “Professor Jackson friended me on Facebook,” writing major Shirley Chen said. “And now he won’t stop liking my pictures.”

“Every time he types ‘how to Google’ into Google, I die a little inside,” computer science student Wilson Owens added. Jackson explained the importance of interacting with his students online. “I can connect with them like never before with my Myspace account! On the World Wide Web, everything is possible! Once, I used my laptop while on a flight to a conference — cloud computing is so easy!” “I just hope he doesn’t figure out how to use Turnitin,” one senior, who wished to remain anonymous, said.

Jackson is now considering adding iPads to his cross-cultural literatures class. “They really capture and demonstrate the ethnographic spirit of humanity,” he said. “They come in black and white, have a proprioceptive interface with the world, and break when you hit them with a hammer.”

15. A Room of One’s Own: How to Survive Being Grounded 14. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: More Scary Tales to Say in the Dark 13. The Complete Shake Spear: An Introduction to Tribal Dance 12. The Bible (Condensed Homophobic Rants Version) 11. Ulysses: Don’t Ask Me, I Didn’t Write This Shit 10. Cliff’s Complete Notes 9. Machiavelli’s The Artist Formerly Known as Prince 8. The Da Vinci Code: Intermediate Pig Latin 7. One Hundred Years of Solitude: Getting Used to Loneliness 6. How to Kill A Mockingbird by Sarah Palin 5. Charlotte’s Web: A Guide to Porking on the Internet 4. Dummies for Dyslexia 3. The Scarlet Letter: An Idiot’s Guide to Neon Signage 2. Marx’s Capital: A Theory on Beginnings of Sentences and Proper Nouns 1. Kama Sutra for One TOPFIFTEEN Alternate Summer Reading Books