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Student Expelled For Shouting ‘Fire’ in Burning Theater
PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD
“Fire, could you keep it down? The Diels Alder-reaction — oh god, that burns, oh god, tell my — ” one student said. BY KEVIN QUIROLO
Distribution Captain
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arren College student Harry Tasker was indefinitely suspended yesterday without a hearing, becoming the first to be disciplined under the new student conduct code. Tasker was arrested last week for disorderly or lewd conduct following an unexpected outburst in response to a mild inferno he witnessed during a physics lecture in Price Center Theater at the University of California, San Diego. Police found Tasker disruptively organizing students to leave the theater, in which “an otherwise unobtrusive fire” was “quietly and
respectfully raging.” Tasker violently told police that some students with serious burns might need first aid, causing the officers to believe that he may have taken hostages. In response, 15 police officers de-escalated the situation with batons, pepper spray, tasers, two Doberman pincers, rubber-bullets, a flame thrower, and a prison bus they drove through the side of the building. Charges of aggravated kidnapping are pending. In the mean time, Tasker is being charged under a new section of the student conduct code. The code is too vague to require a hearing, and prohibits any “disruptive, disorderly or lewd interference with the orderly
operation of the campus.” An anonymous future Chancellor of UCSD said that, given the choice, he would prefer orderly operations to disorderly or lewd operations. “I feel unjustly singled-out and victimized by the very school I thought I was protecting,” Tasker griped through deescalated missing teeth. “Fire burns people when it touches them, and I think it was my responsibility keep fire from touching people.” According to the administration, the solution to the problem lies outside of our control. “Fire is really a state issue,” Vice Chancellor of Resource Management Gary Mathews said. “The campus administration has no control over what the state sets on
fire.” Since 2004, the state of California has set 40 percent of the UC system on fire in an aggressive policy adopted during the administration of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Mathews said that burning buildings was an unavoidable aspect of running a university in a dry climate, and that the new conduct code is intended to protect the functioning of the university. “We can’t afford to let students walk out of class just because it is about to collapse in flames — what would they really do with that free time?” According to a student life survey, a vastly overwhelming supermajority of students agree. In the survey, 90 percent of students responded “no” to the question, “When you are studying for a midterm in two hours, and another midterm in 2 1/2, and a final in three hours, all while working at your second job, do you have time to worry about fire?” On the other hand, only 25 percent responded “yes” to, “When a classmate starts screaming uncontrollably and flailing their arms all over you ostensibly in an effort to save your life, can you concentrate?” For hard-thinking students, it’s statistics like these that demand attention. “I’m glad we have policies to reduce distractions from learning,” on-fire freshman Alex Hesse said. “What’s worse: me not getting an education because my lecture is disrupted, or every future generation not getting an education because our infrastructure has been razed to the ground?” Survey results suggest that most citizens are like Ms. Hesse and understand the importance of finishing their education before trying to contribute to society.
CIA Dissolved, Intelligence All Over the Place
PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN
“Durrrr,” CIA director David Petraeus grunted from his office in the George Bush Center for Intelligence. “There go intelligence; this not look good.” BY JOSHUA BIDWELL
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Copy Editor
ast month, United States President Barack Obama announced that due to increasing political pressure, the Central Intelligence Agency would be abolished and dissolved completely. This simple move would have unforeseen circumstances as intelligence was quickly decentralized and scattered all over the nation, leading to higher average test scores, higher employment, and even less support for wars on foreign soil. Congress and members of the American public have
heavily criticized Obama for this turn of events. Senator Jefferson Rothschild (R-TX), who is known for his controversial ties to organizations such as Blackwater and the National Rifle Association, is the most outspoken of critics against this new surge of intelligence, now popularly known as the “Obamenlightenment.” In recent months, Rothschild has been gathering support in his home state for a new war on the nation of Burkina Faso, claiming: “We can totally win this one, guys. And they’re probably Muslim.” Since the dissolution
of the CIA, his support has dropped to virtually zero. After the collapse of his campaign against the African nation, Rothschild stated in a press conference, “Fine, Texas will just secede from so-called ‘President’ Obama’s elitist snob dictatorship and go to war ourselves!” He is expected to be defeated in a landslide in the upcoming November senate elections. Obama is also facing pockets of opposition from his own party after the decision. “My constituents keep calling my office and telling me I’m not representing their interests,” congressman Ste-
phen Dolan (D-NH), known as the third-most assertive Democrat in Congress with a total four votes on various measures across his 32-year career, told the press. “So what, I’m supposed to drop Pfizer and the NRA and start showing up to hearings? I can only do so much, you know.” Many members of the American public are also angered with the decision of the president, claiming that it has been an invasion of their daily lives. “Thursday nights used to be the night my daughter and I would watch ‘The Bachelor’ together. Now she just keeps herself locked in her room with that damn Faulkner book,” Claire Robinson of Irvine, California told local reporters. “And why do I suddenly care about Greece’s possible default on European loans? This is clearly a big government invasion on my privacy.” Although many have been vocal in resisting the change to American life, much good has come of the current events involving the CIA’s dissolution and the explosion of intelligence across the nation. The positive changes are most notably seen in California. The state’s previously unsustainable budget has been balanced, unemployment has decreased to a mere two percent, and the state has set new records in standardized federal testing, smashing the state’s 2010-2011 testing average with a new rating of “slightly below average.” Teachers in the state have been reported to have a massive positive change of attitude, as the state’s new budget gives them enough salary to allow teachers to stop drawing welfare checks. Although similar changes have been seen across the nation, the state of North Carolina is reportedly the only state to have been successful in blocking out the new surge of intelligence entirely.
June 6, 2012
EDITORIAL
Syria Might Possibly Be Headed for a Situation That Could Lead to What Some Might Perhaps Call a Civil War
BY THE U.N.
Everybody’s Pal
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kay, we’ll level with you: things might almost be less than perfect in Syria. But nobody’s perfect, with the exception of Security Council member nations like Russia. Just relax. You tell us, “The country is divided.” Oh, I’m sorry, and the United States is any different? Have you any idea of the bitter conflict of Miller Lite Vortex Bottle versus Coors Light Cold Activated Can that rages on in your backyard, America? Huh? What we really mean to say is shut up about Syria already! All the time it’s “Syria this” or “Syria that,” and we’ve had enough so give it a rest. Besides, you use phrases like “death toll” and “civilian casualties” so much that they’ve lost all meaning. And what do you care about what happens halfway across the world? Isn’t there a Wall Street you should be occupying, hippie? What’s so bad about Syrian president Bashar al-Assad anyway? Well, except that his name has “ass” in it. But human resources says we’re not allowed to joke about that an-
ymore. Something about “respecting all cultures” and “juvenile humor” or whatever. You know, they’re a surprisingly ill-humored bunch for a group of people who read foreign names all day long. That job sounds hilarious. Back to Assad, though: he’s a decent human being, an average Joe who assumed power after the death of his father in 2000. The Syrian president is just a regular guy who’s been forced to make the tough decisions that you can I could never make, like ordering security forces to beat a cartoonist that made fun of him. You think you could’ve done that? I doubt it. Even still, we tried to humor you. We sent our finest monitors to Syria — real classy, 18 inch, Blu-ray capabilities — yeah, they’re pretty sweet. Well let me tell you what our monitors found: nothing. No evidence of a civil war. In fact, it’s so peaceful over there that we haven’t even heard anything from the monitors at all. More importantly, all this Syria business is distracting us from the real issues, like the fact that South Sudan is now — and has been since July of 2011 — a country! And their first president is black! But you don’t see anyone rolling out the red carpet like they did for Obama. The nerve. Trust us on this one. After all, isn’t this kind of our thing? I mean, can’t you see how we handled the whole Yugoslavia thing? And don’t even get me started on that time we went to Kuwait with H.W. Bush. So leave us alone. Let us do our job. What do we look like, the goddamned League of Nations? Don’t answer that.
TOP TEN
Similarities Between Chancellor Fox and a Potted Plant 10. Advocates for STEM initiatives 9. Met President Obama 8. Lasts longer without water than you would expect 7. Ingests flies in five to seven days 6. Doesn’t look good with bright red lipstick 5. Given to your family to make you feel better about your grandma’s death 4. Equal public speaking skills 3. Withered 2. It doesn’t do anything, but you’ve kind of grown attached to it anyway 1. Requires regular fertilization
TOP TEN
Changes to the World if it Were Run by Solicitors on Library Walk 10. UCSD students learn how to talk to each other 9. Eye contact is mandatory at all times 8. Career fairs now legal holidays 7. Whales have viable chance of survival 6. Everybody would stand in circles infinitely 5. Currency replaced with Korean short ribs valued at seven U.S. dollars 4. Face AIDS eradicated 3. Israel/Palestine situation still unchanged 2. Ron Paul has a chance at being president 1. Opinions would change if you yell loud enough
