The MQ Volume 18 Issue 7

THE MQ UC SAN DIEGO

June 6, 2012

I would do anything Tim Burton wanted me to. You know - have sex with an aardvark? I would do it.

— Johnny Depp

The last thing you’ll read before fall quarter.

Mitt Romney Already Picking out Swatches for the White House

Volume XVIII Issue VII

IN THIS ISSUE LARGE GARBAGE PATCH DAMAGES 3 ECOSYSTEM CIA DISSOLVED, INTELLIGENCE ALL OVER THE PLACE MQ’S GUIDE TO THE BEACH

4 6, 7

MURDER CLUB HOLDS FIRST GENERAL BODY MASSACRE

9

STATE CUTS FUNDING FOR MATH, 10 K-12 RENAMED K

NEWS IN BRIEF FBI INFORMANT ARRESTED IN CIA STING OPERATION PHOTO BY HANNAH WEIL

“Let’s see those damn Jehovah’s Witnesses get to my door now,” Romney commented.

BY JOSH MALKINSON

I

Assistant Design Editor

n a storm of controversy that has eclipsed the debates on economic recovery, education, religion, gay marriage, and what time the cafeteria should serve brunch on Saturdays, it has been revealed that Republican presidential

nominee Mitt “The Stormin’ Mormon” Romney has already begun planning how he will redecorate the president’s residence if elected to office later this year.

Recognizable, white, moderately old, and carefully maintained by a large number of support staff, Romney has attempted to appeal to the

public through a display of frugality in his plans. He has stated his intention to eschew gold toilet seats in favor of a more tasteful silver, limit the budget for paint to a conservative $5.7 million, and save on labor by starting the project with much enthusiasm only to make himself scarce the next day and leave Ann to do all the work.

His wife’s involvement in the project could prove a key factor for undecided voters in the run-up to the election.

While campaigning for governorship of Massachusetts (the state being largely Democratic), he announced, “I believe

See ROMNEY, page 2

Urban Studies and Planning Major Wishes He Had Done Less Urban Studies, More Planning

BY BRIAN DAMP Editor-in-Chief

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pencer Fairman, a recent graduate from the University of California, San Diego’s urban studies and planning program is reportedly “a little regretful” about his decision to take courses solely from the urban studies aspect of the degree while entirely neglecting the planning aspect.

He admits, “I probably should have taken a lot more classes like ‘Urban Planning, Infrastructure, and Real Estate’ and a lot fewer classes like ‘How to Not Get Mugged on the Street.’

He added, “Though I suppose the latter will come in handy where I’m living soon.”

Fairman is one of several thousand University of California grads entering the workforce this summer who hope to find a way to apply their $60,000 education to get them out of their $17,000 average of student loan debt. Unlike the rest of these graduates, Fairman says he is “not stressing too badly about it.” In fact, he claims that he isn’t really worried, and attributes the “constant, gnawing feeling of distress” in his stomach to having eaten at Bombay Coast too many times this week.

Zac Ratelle, Fairman’s roommate, reports to the contrary. Recently, Fairman’s behavior has taken a pitiful turn.

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Last Friday, a secret sting operation resulted in the arrest of an FBI informant, in what the CIA has called the greatest victory for domestic surveillance. “This is the greatest defeat for domestic surveillance,” Robert Mueller, director of the FBI, said.

“Our agent was just about to gain the trust of a group of extremist pacifists by selling them guns.”

The sting was the climax of a top-secret operation, which had been tracking the radical group for months and arresting them at a fake world peace convention. According to Mueller, the FBI

knew the CIA was closing in, but could not stop them because of the top-secret classification of the informant’s activity. “We couldn’t warn our agent either, because the sting was above his security clearance,” Mueller said.

The FBI informant was uncovering the pacifists’ violent tendencies by indoctrinating them into violent ideology and tactics, a CIA official, who wished to remain anonymous, said. Still, that official admitted that the FBI’s tactic of aiding and abetting suspected terrorists was the best way to gain their trust and guarantee an arrest.

CATHOLICS DECLARE ABSTINENCE AN IMMORAL FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL On Friday, the Vatican issued a memorandum declaring abstinence to be an immoral form of birth control, reversing decades of progressive policy changes.

“The Holy See feels that abstinence in relationships goes against the Vatican’s 21st century policies,” a Vatican representative explained. “Abstinence implies that human-human relationships are acceptable. Love should be directed toward God, Jesus, and the church, never other people.”

Father Joe Salerno however, was dismayed. “The young folks these days can’t go without sex for very long.

If the Catholic Church tells them that they can’t have sex, then what will they do with all their free time? Ecstasy? Abstinence is a gateway drug.”

Many teenagers and young adults were confused by the Vatican’s new directive, but some said they could live with the change. “I love my boyfriend Ethan, and we’re both Catholics,” college student Kelsey Anderson commented. “We’ve planned to intercourse each other for a long time now, and don’t want to wait for the right time. Everyone’s doing it; no one’s waiting, you know? Abstinence isn’t cool.”

“According to this model, it’s obvious that Chicago needs better low-income housing,” he said.

“He says he’s conducting some self-guided courses in urban design theory to help pad his resume. And by that he means he’s been building Lego cities in his room for two weeks with a ‘Men at Work’ sign posted on his door.”

Ratelle added, “I told him his time would be better spent engineering a Lego shack to live in when the lease is up. Cardboard isn’t too waterproof.”

In a recent interview conducted while he packed several cases of cup noodles into the back of his base model Corolla, Fairman explained

how the coursework he completed would likely yield a worthwhile career as a public servant and “an impressive annual salary of jack squat.”

On a positive note, Fairman remarks, “At least my senior thesis research on the impacts of affordable housing on selfperception should come in handy! When I’m living in the projects next year, I’ll know that my soul-crushing unhappiness is partially the result of poor design planning on the part of the development corporation. That should make me feel better.”

He then added, “Ooh, a

quarter,” retrieving what soon turned out to be a metal washer from beneath the cushions of the rear seat. He then further added, “Oh, never mind.”

Despite others’ grim predictions, Fairman remains convinced he will find employment. He claims he knows a three-step method to guarantee employment in any career path after taking a four-unit course entitled “Inequality and Jobs”. He says: “Step 1: Don’t be a minority. Step 2: Lie on your resumé. Step 3: Travel back in time to 1999. So far, I’ve got two out of three.”

THIRD FLOOR OF GEISEL DISCOVERED DURING BLACKOUT

STUDENT FINALLY SUCCUMBS TO SUNGOD HANGOVER

Look at this picture!

“Man, Wiz Khalifa’s performance was great!”

UCSD FORCED TO LEARN DIFFERENCE BETWEEN INDIAN AMERICAN AND AMERICAN INDIAN Saturday, the office of the Chancellor released a statement revealing that newly appointed chancellor, Pradeep Khosla, was Indian American, not American Indian as previously believed.

When told about the news, senior Elsa Wang said, “What? You mean he’s not Native American? I thought we hired someone like him because it’s good PR.” Other students were more neutral about the mix-up. “Indian American, American Indian, we’re all God’s children,” InterVarsity member Ryder Falchuck explained. “As long as they believe in God, of course.”

However, some had

stronger opinions about the mix-up. “Once again, the UCSD administration has taken an insensitive, onesize-fits-all approach to racial and ethnic identity,” sociology professor Cesar Alaya complained. “We’re probably going to have to implement another series of diversity and ethnic inclusion courses for all students.”

“Then again, adding more DEI classes would be a very effective way of educating students to be more culturally sensitive. I mean, what undergrad isn’t inspired by and enthusiastic about classes like ETHN 1C?”

See BRIEFS, page 11

Page 2

June 6, 2012

theMQ.com

Bruce Wayne Bolsters Inner City Education, Gotham Crime Rates Drop

CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1:

ROMNEY

women should have the right to make their own choices.”

This was regrettably misinterpreted by voters as being a statement regarding his stance on abortion ­­— mainly because it was in response to questions about his stance on abortion — but he was in fact referring to matters of decor. He has more recently withdrawn this statement in order to curry favor with the socially conservative core of Republican voters. Accused of flip-flopping, he replied, “What? No, these are loafers.”

A source within the party revealed that Romney keeps a small notepad of ideas in his briefcase, which he takes out when meetings get a little slow. Recent additions to this have included sketches of possible frescoes for the front of the building, such as a scaledup reimagination of “The Last Supper” featuring Mitt’s favorite titans of industry, successful businessmen, and NASCAR team owners in place of the more conventional disciples.

“It already looks so great tattooed on my back,” Romney explained. “So I thought, ‘Why not have it gracing the surface of one of our nation’s great landmarks?’”

Due to the relatively small percentage of homosexuals

within the party, the chances are slim that Republicans will be able to conform to stereotypes by showing a flair for interior design. Instead, Romney shelled out some of his personal fortune on advice from Pretence, a high-end design consultancy. Fernando Fernandez, a representative of the company, said in an interview with Minimalism Magazine (a one-page newsletter published once every five years, set entirely in 12-point Helvetica on a pure white background, now available for your iPad), “We really pushed him to do something radical and completely overhaul the image of the White House; we suggested a range of color options: chalk, cream, almond, egg-shell, alabaster…

He seemed excited.”

Some critics within the Republican camp have suggested that by making all these plans before the election is held Romney is “jumping the gun.” It appears that Romney misread the memo, as he is now planning to add artillery cannons on either side of his chair in the Oval Office. However, other members of the party have suggested that this is simply to silence the critics who made the complaints in the first place.

PHOTO BY KYLE KOERBER

“The economy hasn’t been easy on Batman,” Bruce Wayne said. “He had to sell the Batschoolbus to avoid bankruptcy.”

BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Assistant Graphics Editor

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nacted upon the inauguration of Mayor Anthony Garcia four years ago, Bruce Wayne’s generous The Help Gotham Deserves foundation, which donates to inner city education, has already produced profound socioeconomic improvements in the greater Gotham City area. The increased funding for K-12 schooling has resulted in a skyrocketing literacy rate, a precipitous drop in crime, and a notable absence of psychopathic supervillains.

“While he is no superhero, Bruce Wayne has done so much for Gotham in these last few years,” Garcia remarked.

“Who knows? At this rate, he just might put Batman out of a job. Call me crazy, but at times it definitely seemed like more lowlifes prowled our streets after the arrival of his brand of justice than before.”

The Help Gotham Deserves puts money into improving classrooms, providing school supplies, increasing teacher salaries, and preparing students for the real world. Prior to the funding, supervillains were able to take advantage of the education system by preaching violence at a young age and offering exploitative, unpaid henchmanships.

“There was definitely a sharp divide of opinion among the students in my classroom. Some understood that Batman brought justice, but others realized that Batman targeted only super villains, leaving a massive arena for the trade of elicit substances,” kindergarten teacher Susan Stewart said.

“When you were more likely to get frozen by Mr. Freeze than get caught peddling small-time marijuana, it strangely seemed like crime paid in Gotham.”

The inability of super vil-

lains to penetrate the classroom has resulted in a sharp decline in criminal forces in Gotham City. Furthermore, the improved education provided by Wayne has increased high income job hiring and improved societal awareness. As a result, crime has been labeled by Gotham City as “shameful,” an improvement from the former label of “a man’s got to feed his family.”

“After all that Wayne Enterprises has taken from Gotham City, we figured it was time to give a little back,” Wayne said. “Batman just wasn’t cutting it. As iconic as he is, his top-down effort was taking way too long. Batman was a Band-Aid, but Gotham’s only cure is an invasive, deliberate operation.”

Due to an overall decrease in violence and crime, Batman now spends a considerable amount of resources combating menial crimes and misdemeanors.

“I’ve

definitely been impacted by the incredibly handsome Mr. Wayne’s contribution to this city,” Batman — who had requested the concealment of his identity for this interview — said. “You would think Gotham would run out of cats or trees at some point.”

In addition to funding education, Bruce Wayne has also donated to various other causes to improve the general welfare of the city. Most notable are the creation of the Vigilantism Appreciation Society, the Supervillain Identification Coalition, and the Ex-Henchman Reintegration Program.

“Sure, keeping these lawbreakers off of the streets will keep our citizens safe, but only temporarily. We need to evaluate the merit of our criminal justice system being more punitive than rehabilitative,” Arkham Asylum warden Quincy Sharp said. “Are we really a society of the free if we house the largest prison population in the world?”

TOP TEN

Changes to the White House Now that Obama Supports Gay Marriage 10. Nothing 9. Secret Service allowed to hire male prostitutes 8. Joe Biden finally allowed to come out 7. Bear replaces eagle as national animal 6. Slightly more hate mail from the KKK 5. Obama confirmed as a Muslim-atheistblack-socialist-antichrist-fairy Kenyan 4. Someone finally doing something about that horrible carpet 3. Executive branch actually represents the will of the people 2. Society collapses, communists win 1. Obama’s presidency not entire failure

Editor-in-Chief..............................Brian Damp Managing Editor...............Alexandra DeLaney Managing Editor.....................Jessica Traynor Content Editor..........................Cody Donahue Associate Content Editor................Jessi Carr Associate Content Editor.................Zac Hann Assistant Content Editor.............Jack Beegan Design Editor................................ Robin Betz Assistant Design Editor.......Joshua Malkinson Distribution Captain...................Kevin Quirolo Distribution Lieutanant............Hilary Morefield

Graphics Editor...........................Hannah Weil Assistant Graphics Editor....Bora Buyuktimkin Assistant to the Graphics Editor...Ryan Gibbs Copy Editor..............................Joshua Bidwell Assistant Copy Editor.................Garrett Chan Business Editor..............................Divya Bhat Events Coordinator....................Monica Bhide Web Editor.......................................Aurora Le Assistant Web Editor......................Ben Steen Muir Advisor............................Ann Hawthorne Royal Temptress.......................Shara Worden

Staff Members

“Really, please keep talking about that boring shit you like.” Tuesdays, 6 p.m., Half Dome Lounge.

“The publication may have been funded in part or in whole by funds allocated by the ASUCSD and Muir College Council. However, the views expressed in this publication are solely those of the MQ, its principal members and the authors of the content of this publication. While the publisher of this publication is a registered student organization at UC San Diego, the content, opinions, statements and views expressed in this or any other publication published and/or distributed by the MQ are not endorsed by and do not represent the views, opinions, policies, or positions of the ASUCSD, GSAUCSD, MCC, UC San Diego, the University of California and the Regents or their officers, employees, or agents. The publisher of this publication bears and assumes the full responsibility and liability for the content of this publication.”

All content is copyright © 2012 by The MQ unless superceded by previous condition of copyright, license, or trade dress. No portion of this paper may be reproduced, transcribed, or otherwise retransmitted without the express written consent of the Editor-in-Chief of the MQ. So here we are. At the bottom of this page. At the end of this year. And what a year it’s been! I never thought I’d be writing my last note as Editor-in-Chief so soon. Then again, I never thought I’d be writing any at all. I am immensely proud of every member of staff for all the hard work they did this year, and I was honored to lead them.

I’d like to thank everyone individually, but there would never be enough room. Instead, I’ll highlight a few MVPs of this issue. Garrett could not have been more awesome and dedicated to his work. Jack did a terrific job in his first time running content. Bora was unstoppable. Cody was stellar in his first try at EIC. I can only imagine what his high score in pinball will be next June. In all seriousness, I have complete confidence in him and the rest of next year’s staff. Farewell to all MQers and students who are graduating. We wish you all the best. For those of you sticking around next year, we look forward to bringing you more of the same. See you on the other side of summer.

Sam Bartleman Dylan Blackie Corey Breier Connor Brew Caitlin Carnahan Aaron Cervantes Bonnie Chinh Rosa Cho Cassidy Curl Janine Davis

Alan Delblaccio Annie Dimitras James Dohleman Chase Donnally Daniel Early Stephanie Fairbairn Alison Gilchrist Fedora Gertzman Avi Kabani Marina Karastamatis

Kyle Koerber Tom Li Josh Marxen Genna Mesch Adil Mistry Hanna Nakamura Christina Nguyen Vivian Pate Jeric Pereda Penny Renard

Alex Rosengarten Marissa Ruxin Marie Sbrocca Aditi Shah Kyle Somers Savannah Sparkman Ariana Walker Eric Walker Rebecca Walsh Paul Zheng

Booster Club This issue’s snackery was brought to us by: Jessi, Alex, Bora, Cody, Zac, Hannah, Ariana, Rosa, Zac, and Garrett. Thank you for your food and dining dollar donations. There’s a special place in my heart for you all, and it’s being clogged with cholesterol.

Also, thanks to the mystery donor of Cheez-its. Keep ‘em coming.

June 6, 2012

theMQ.com

Page 3

Large Garbage Patch Damages Ecosystem

EDITORIAL

You Bastards Better Clap for My Last Lecture

BY PROFESSOR J. CLARKE Really Nice Guy

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A Birch aquarium worker attempts to simulate the amount of trash this shark would find in its natural habitat.

BY DYLAN BLACKIE Staff Writer

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n an effort to improve campus sustainability, the University of California, San Diego has decided that it will stop adding to the large garbage patch west of Price Center. After years of inconclusive studies, it was recently determined by a grad student that the large garbage patch was, in fact, causing more harm to the environment than good.

“I know, I’m as shocked as you are,” Chancellor Marye Anne Fox commented when asked about the garbage patch.

“I approved quite a bit of funding for that garbage patch, so I’m really disappointed to see it have to be removed.”

It was announced that the garbage patch would gradually be removed over the next

two years, at a cost of $3.2 million. Some suggested that the garbage patch simply be placed little-by-little in garbage cans. However, the report also found that all the garbage cans on campus are actually just dumped on top of the pile.

“If we just moved the pile into trash cans, it’d be a huge waste of everyone’s time and money,” University of California president Mark Yudof said. “So I’m all for it.”

Samantha Clemens, a Ph.D. student in environmental systems, spent approximately $1.5 million in grant money conducting research and analysis on the effects of the patch. Against all rational, logical expectations, the investigation found the patch had severely negative effects on the surrounding ecosystem.

The garbage patch was initially installed in 1998 as

a part of the Stuart Art Collection. Upon its installment, many students were thrilled to finally have an art piece on campus that accurately represents the school. “I’m really going to miss it,” student Bryce Finnegan said. “Obviously, most art pieces look like garbage, but this was the one installment that literally was nothing but garbage.”

“And the occasional homeless person or transfer student,” he added. “So yeah.

Nothing but garbage.”

Overall, student reactions were quite mixed. Some students were so upset that they vowed to keep the patch going themselves, launching a new campaign entitled “Boycott Proper Disposal.” The group makes the argument that removing the patch directly threatens the artificial habitat of native plants.

Representatives can be seen

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

on Library Walk passing out flyers, which ask students to leave “all that pointless crap you get on Library Walk” on the patch.

On the other hand, some students were shocked to find that it was even an art piece.

“I just always thought a lot of people littered around there,” undergraduate student Julian Nunez said. “I don’t get art.”

Incoming chancellor Pradeep Khosla was surprised when he heard the news about the Garbage Patch being taken down. “You mean to tell me the school that I’ll be working at has had a giant patch of garbage for over ten years? It certainly explains why they felt the need to increase my salary before I even started.”

Khosla later announced that his plan to turn Geisel Library into an on-campus biodiesel refinery would be scrapped.

New Enrollment System Great for Those on the Finish-in-Eight-Program

“Somebody check that one student,” the professor said. “He looks dead.”

BY JERIC PEREDA

T

Staff Writer

he University of California, San Diego’s new two-pass enrollment system has sparked heated criticism, but a recent surge of support emerged last Wednesday from a new group of students enrolled in the finish-in-eight program.

This group goes by the name “Full of Undergraduates who Concede, Knowing It’s Terrible,” or F.U.C.K.I.T. for short.

Grover Carton, age 43, the group’s president and founder, explained his reasons for supporting this new system. “I was told that college was the best years of your life, and all I needed was a sign to show that

I should stay longer. Lo and behold, the new enrollment system fell into our lap like a present underneath the Christmas tree we call life. Also, Mom said I could live at home as long as I’m still in college.”

Carton discussed the efforts his group would make to encourage students to embrace this new system. Their plans include scholarships for those who take classes that are irrelevant to their major or decide to become parttime students for the rest of their time at UCSD. Carton explained that even if the students receive only a portion of their scholarship due to their part-time standing, it would make it easier to spread their scholarship across

their eight years of college.

Members include students who can no longer be undeclared, engineering majors, and double-majors with double-minors, who have few qualms about adding two more years to their current six-year plan. When they heard about this new organization, many shrugged, declaring, “[I hereby pledge my support for the new enrollment system and the group] F.U.C.K.I.T.” Currently the group is made up of ten members, making it the second largest non-religious student organization on campus.

However, those in this group are not the only people to express support for the new enrollment system. Senior

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

Jackie Alexander, a self-proclaimed “thrill seeker,” said: “This is the best thing that could have happened. I love it! I mean sure you can sign up for two of your classes at first, but what about those last two?

Some freshman could take that one other class you need to graduate. I love the uncertainty! That rush — it makes me feel so alive!”

This is still the university’s first quarter utilizing the new enrollment system, but many students have already begun petitioning to return to the old enrollment system. The first half of the complaint form is available in the Registrar’s Office, and then there is a twoweek waiting period before the second half can be submitted.

ook, I get it. You’re busy.

You don’t want to waste your time hanging out with a 50-something guy, even if I do look more like a 48-something guy. Honestly, I don’t even care that only five of you have showed up to class for the past three weeks. All I’m saying is, you bastards better clap your goddamn hearts out for me on Friday, or I don’t know what I’ll do.

I guess I haven’t made you want to come to class. That’s probably my fault. It’s not like I even say anything that you can’t read in the book or find on the lecture notes that I so kindly post on TED for you. And I know I gave you three practice tests with answers, and then I took all the test questions from those tests. But some of you still failed. What’s up with that?

It’s okay though; I don’t mind if you want to walk all over me as long as you all show up on Friday, then take your two hands and smack them against one another until it sounds like the Hollywood Bowl up in here. That’s all I ask of you. Really.

Hey, you, new guy sneaking in 15 minutes late. Yeah, I see you. I bet you didn’t think anyone would notice. Class of 300, it’s not like the teacher knows anyone’s name, right? False. I know Jack, and Rebecca, and Stuart, and Alison, and I know how to spell this other guy’s name, I’m just not exactly clear on how to pronounce it yet. We got real close in here these past few weeks. Shit got real sometimes, but don’t worry, I always turned off the podcast when it did. What I’m really saying is, you’d better fucking clap like your life depends on it at the end of the next class, because maybe it does. I don’t want to rule out the possibility. That just wouldn’t be fair.

Jack, are you filming this?

No, don’t stop. You should post it on your Facebook. Because if I’m gonna be perfectly honest, you guys, sometimes I feel like no one listens to the podcast anymore. And you know, it makes me feel sad. But when it does, I just think back to tenth week of last quarter, and imagine a whole room of people clapping for me (me!) and it all seems worth it.

And sometimes I imagine one person not clapping, but I just grab him or her by the neck and shake them until they pass out, and then everything feels okay again too. But I’m sure I won’t have to do that to anyone here. You’re all really excited to thank me for all the work I put in this quarter, aren’t you?

Oh, look at the time. I guess we won’t be able to cover chapter 29 after all, but don’t worry.

For every ten solid minutes of raucous standing ovation, I’ll give everyone a point of extra credit on the final.

TOP TEN

Similarities Between Your Love Life and the Two-Pass Enrollment System 10. TritonLink has a handy tool for planning it ahead of time 9. You were drunk and got into all the wrong things 8. University sanctioned 7. Mostly just a lot of frustration 6. One time you had to do it on your phone during class 5. Your roommate watched you do it both times 4. You always sleep through it 3. Your academic advisor had to explain it to you three times 2. They’ve had it at Berkeley for years but no one at UCSD wants it 1. No one is satisfied

TOP TEN

Things You Can Say About a Firetruck That You Can’t Say to Your Girlfriend 10. You get driven from the back, right?

9. We’re gonna need a taller ladder 8. That’s a pretty big spare tire 7. Every time you get loud I get out of the way 6. We’ve had sex recently 5. Don’t stop, it’s burning 4. I’ve wanted to be in you since I was a boy 3. I can’t believe you fit so many guys in there!

2. I don’t think red suits something that big 1. Save that baby!

theMQ.com

Page 4

Student Expelled For Shouting ‘Fire’ in Burning Theater

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

“Fire, could you keep it down? The Diels Alder-reaction — oh god, that burns, oh god, tell my — ” one student said.

BY KEVIN QUIROLO

Distribution Captain

W

arren College student Harry Tasker was indefinitely suspended yesterday without a hearing, becoming the first to be disciplined under the new student conduct code. Tasker was arrested last week for disorderly or lewd conduct following an unexpected outburst in response to a mild inferno he witnessed during a physics lecture in Price Center Theater at the University of California, San Diego.

Police found Tasker disruptively organizing students to leave the theater, in which “an otherwise unobtrusive fire” was “quietly and

respectfully raging.” Tasker violently told police that some students with serious burns might need first aid, causing the officers to believe that he may have taken hostages. In response, 15 police officers de-escalated the situation with batons, pepper spray, tasers, two Doberman pincers, rubber-bullets, a flame thrower, and a prison bus they drove through the side of the building. Charges of aggravated kidnapping are pending.

In the mean time, Tasker is being charged under a new section of the student conduct code. The code is too vague to require a hearing, and prohibits any “disruptive, disorderly or lewd interference with the orderly

operation of the campus.” An anonymous future Chancellor of UCSD said that, given the choice, he would prefer orderly operations to disorderly or lewd operations.

“I feel unjustly singled-out and victimized by the very school I thought I was protecting,” Tasker griped through deescalated missing teeth. “Fire burns people when it touches them, and I think it was my responsibility keep fire from touching people.”

According to the administration, the solution to the problem lies outside of our control. “Fire is really a state issue,” Vice Chancellor of Resource Management Gary Mathews said. “The campus administration has no control over what the state sets on

fire.” Since 2004, the state of California has set 40 percent of the UC system on fire in an aggressive policy adopted during the administration of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Mathews said that burning buildings was an unavoidable aspect of running a university in a dry climate, and that the new conduct code is intended to protect the functioning of the university. “We can’t afford to let students walk out of class just because it is about to collapse in flames — what would they really do with that free time?”

According to a student life survey, a vastly overwhelming supermajority of students agree. In the survey, 90 percent of students responded “no” to the question, “When you are studying for a midterm in two hours, and another midterm in 2 1/2, and a final in three hours, all while working at your second job, do you have time to worry about fire?” On the other hand, only 25 percent responded “yes” to, “When a classmate starts screaming uncontrollably and flailing their arms all over you ostensibly in an effort to save your life, can you concentrate?” For hard-thinking students, it’s statistics like these that demand attention.

“I’m glad we have policies to reduce distractions from learning,” on-fire freshman Alex Hesse said. “What’s worse: me not getting an education because my lecture is disrupted, or every future generation not getting an education because our infrastructure has been razed to the ground?” Survey results suggest that most citizens are like Ms. Hesse and understand the importance of finishing their education before trying to contribute to society.

CIA Dissolved, Intelligence All Over the Place

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“Durrrr,” CIA director David Petraeus grunted from his office in the George Bush Center for Intelligence. “There go intelligence; this not look good.”

BY JOSHUA BIDWELL

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Copy Editor

ast month, United States President Barack Obama announced that due to increasing political pressure, the Central Intelligence Agency would be abolished and dissolved completely. This simple move would have unforeseen circumstances as intelligence was quickly decentralized and scattered all over the nation, leading to higher average test scores, higher employment, and even less support for wars on foreign soil. Congress and members of the American public have

heavily criticized Obama for this turn of events.

Senator Jefferson Rothschild (R-TX), who is known for his controversial ties to organizations such as Blackwater and the National Rifle Association, is the most outspoken of critics against this new surge of intelligence, now popularly known as the “Obamenlightenment.”

In recent months, Rothschild has been gathering support in his home state for a new war on the nation of Burkina Faso, claiming: “We can totally win this one, guys.

And they’re probably Muslim.” Since the dissolution

of the CIA, his support has dropped to virtually zero.

After the collapse of his campaign against the African nation, Rothschild stated in a press conference, “Fine, Texas will just secede from so-called ‘President’ Obama’s elitist snob dictatorship and go to war ourselves!” He is expected to be defeated in a landslide in the upcoming November senate elections.

Obama is also facing pockets of opposition from his own party after the decision. “My constituents keep calling my office and telling me I’m not representing their interests,” congressman Ste-

phen Dolan (D-NH), known as the third-most assertive Democrat in Congress with a total four votes on various measures across his 32-year career, told the press. “So what, I’m supposed to drop Pfizer and the NRA and start showing up to hearings? I can only do so much, you know.”

Many members of the American public are also angered with the decision of the president, claiming that it has been an invasion of their daily lives. “Thursday nights used to be the night my daughter and I would watch ‘The Bachelor’ together. Now she just keeps herself locked in her room with that damn Faulkner book,” Claire Robinson of Irvine, California told local reporters.

“And why do I suddenly care about Greece’s possible default on European loans? This is clearly a big government invasion on my privacy.”

Although many have been vocal in resisting the change to American life, much good has come of the current events involving the CIA’s dissolution and the explosion of intelligence across the nation.

The positive changes are most notably seen in California.

The state’s previously unsustainable budget has been balanced, unemployment has decreased to a mere two percent, and the state has set new records in standardized federal testing, smashing the state’s 2010-2011 testing average with a new rating of “slightly below average.” Teachers in the state have been reported to have a massive positive change of attitude, as the state’s new budget gives them enough salary to allow teachers to stop drawing welfare checks.

Although similar changes have been seen across the nation, the state of North Carolina is reportedly the only state to have been successful in blocking out the new surge of intelligence entirely.

June 6, 2012

EDITORIAL

Syria Might Possibly Be Headed for a Situation That Could Lead to What Some Might Perhaps Call a Civil War

BY THE U.N.

Everybody’s Pal

O

kay, we’ll level with you: things might almost be less than perfect in Syria.

But nobody’s perfect, with the exception of Security Council member nations like Russia.

Just relax. You tell us, “The country is divided.” Oh, I’m sorry, and the United States is any different? Have you any idea of the bitter conflict of Miller Lite Vortex Bottle versus Coors Light Cold Activated Can that rages on in your backyard, America? Huh? What we really mean to say is shut up about Syria already! All the time it’s “Syria this” or “Syria that,” and we’ve had enough so give it a rest.

Besides, you use phrases like “death toll” and “civilian casualties” so much that they’ve lost all meaning. And what do you care about what happens halfway across the world? Isn’t there a Wall Street you should be occupying, hippie?

What’s so bad about Syrian president Bashar al-Assad anyway? Well, except that his name has “ass” in it. But human resources says we’re not allowed to joke about that an-

ymore. Something about “respecting all cultures” and “juvenile humor” or whatever.

You know, they’re a surprisingly ill-humored bunch for a group of people who read foreign names all day long. That job sounds hilarious.

Back to Assad, though: he’s a decent human being, an average Joe who assumed power after the death of his father in 2000. The Syrian president is just a regular guy who’s been forced to make the tough decisions that you can I could never make, like ordering security forces to beat a cartoonist that made fun of him. You think you could’ve done that? I doubt it.

Even still, we tried to humor you. We sent our finest monitors to Syria — real classy, 18 inch, Blu-ray capabilities — yeah, they’re pretty sweet. Well let me tell you what our monitors found: nothing. No evidence of a civil war. In fact, it’s so peaceful over there that we haven’t even heard anything from the monitors at all.

More importantly, all this Syria business is distracting us from the real issues, like the fact that South Sudan is now — and has been since July of 2011 — a country! And their first president is black! But you don’t see anyone rolling out the red carpet like they did for Obama. The nerve.

Trust us on this one. After all, isn’t this kind of our thing?

I mean, can’t you see how we handled the whole Yugoslavia thing? And don’t even get me started on that time we went to Kuwait with H.W. Bush. So leave us alone. Let us do our job.

What do we look like, the goddamned League of Nations?

Don’t answer that.

TOP TEN

Similarities Between Chancellor Fox and a Potted Plant 10. Advocates for STEM initiatives 9. Met President Obama 8. Lasts longer without water than you would expect 7. Ingests flies in five to seven days 6. Doesn’t look good with bright red lipstick 5. Given to your family to make you feel better about your grandma’s death 4. Equal public speaking skills 3. Withered 2. It doesn’t do anything, but you’ve kind of grown attached to it anyway 1. Requires regular fertilization

TOP TEN

Changes to the World if it Were Run by Solicitors on Library Walk 10. UCSD students learn how to talk to each other 9. Eye contact is mandatory at all times 8. Career fairs now legal holidays 7. Whales have viable chance of survival 6. Everybody would stand in circles infinitely 5. Currency replaced with Korean short ribs valued at seven U.S. dollars 4. Face AIDS eradicated 3. Israel/Palestine situation still unchanged 2. Ron Paul has a chance at being president 1. Opinions would change if you yell loud enough

theMQ.com

June 6, 2012

Area Man Excited to Vote in Local Election

Page 5

Career Quiz In need of a career change? In need of a career?

Well, we can help you with neither of those things.

We can offer you a useless career-related quiz.

Ready? Too bad.

1. How would you spend a leisurely Sunday afternoon? (a) A nice stroll down the beach, sans parasol. (b) What is leisure? (c) Running through the streets of Rio with an AK-47 casually thrown over my left shoulder and a Brazilian supermodel over my right.

2. Which of these is not like the other?

(a)

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

(b)

(c)

3. What are your post-bac goals? (a) Well, I took something called the LSAT? (b) Taking a sixth year is a perfectly valid option. (c) Become Ryan Gosling.

Wilson also received the opportunity to exercise his right to remain silent after being arrested for setting up a tent in a public place.

BY JESSI CARR

Associate Content Editor

A

ccording to dozens of eyewitnesses, San Diego resident Eric Wilson triumphantly exited the polling booths of his local elementary school yesterday afternoon around 4:17 p.m. with a smile on his face and an “I Voted” sticker proudly displayed on his lapel.

Ever since receiving his voter’s information guide in the mail almost a month ago, Wilson has spent hours poring over the propositions and candidate statements presented within, even making trips to his local library to search for supplemental literature on the candidates, most of whom are nonexistent.

“He kept coming in here, day in and day out, asking me if we had anything on Board of Education candidate Lyn Neylon,” librarian Neal Valdiva explained. “All we had was a microfiche of some story run on her for winning citizen of the month in elementary school ages ago, but he specifically asked to read it on three separate occasions, claiming that ‘It’s a tough decision, especially when her opponent Jerry Rindone received a perfect attendance award in seventh grade.’”

Neighbors also caught note of his increased fervor for political franchise. “In the past few weeks he’s put up so many campaign signs in his yard, often for both parties,” disgruntled neighbor Alice Wu complained. “He says he’s trying to

raise awareness for us all, but all it’s done is make me aware of the fact that he is violating at least seven homeowner’s association guidelines.”

Despite the fact that as a registered Democrat Wilson will not need to participate in the national presidential elections until November, years of public service announcements and family influence inspired him to take the time to cast his vote for the good of the city.

“My mother once spent three hours on the phone with her best friend Sharon discussing the hairstyles and handbags of candidates for PTA president when I was in third or fourth grade,” Wilson recalled.

“And now that she’s gone, I know that this is the best way I can make her memory live on,” he said, gesturing to an

ornate urn on his mantle that read “Dukakis ‘88.”

In addition to his intensive research on the candidates, Wilson also attempted to go to as many debates and campaign events as possible, which often resulted in him being one of the few people in attendance. This allowed him plenty of opportunities to personally question the candidates on pressing issues, like their stances on s u s t a i n a b i l i t y- e n h a n c e d synergistic ecosystems.

“I’m completely confident that I have made informed decisions on candidates who will better my community and my city,” Wilson declared.

“Except for the Superior Court Judge position. I just voted for Garland Peed because he has a funny name.”

Popular Girl Uses Real Voice Accidentally, Becomes Momentarily Tolerable

4. What is your income tax rate? (a) Cash monies. (b) 7.75 percent of $0.00. (c) Ha, the one percent has a negative effective tax rate, friend.

5. What is your spirit animal? (a) Johnny Cash. (b) Spirit bear. (c) I went to this school specifically because I have no spirit….

6. If you could be any comic book character that performed an office duty, who would you be and what would you do? (a) Wonder twins: Form of snarky gossip and water cooler. (b) Superman: Can sleep with brunette co-workers in a single bound. (c) The Riddler: Excel spreadsheet creation.

7. What can you most picture yourself doing? (a) Sleeping face-down in a puddle of urine (unclear if it’s mine). (b) Performing life-saving surgery on antisocial conjoined twins. (c) Explaining the difference between broccoli and health insurance to Justice Scalia.

8. What’s your reading level? (a) A 12-year-old peasant girl from the 12th century, e.g., Rep. Rob Woodall, R-GA. (b) Rep. Dan Lungren R-CA. (c) Dr. Dolph Lungren.

L

ast Tuesday in Price Center, popular sorority girl Leslie Morgan accidentally let her real voice slip out and became momentarily tolerable for the first time in her four years of college. “I…I just like don’t like know what happened. Like, oh my gosh,” Wong quickly stated. “That’s like totally not my normal voice at all. I was like just probably hoarse from shouting too much at that rave last night.

PARTY GIRL FO’ LIFE! Whoo!”

It was reported that Morgan was ordering her usual almond milk tea at Tapioca Express, when suddenly her

voice began to crack. This resulted in her high pitched tittering, faux-accented, baby-cooing speech to lower several octaves.

“I just couldn’t believe my ears,” Tapioca Express cashier John Davis commented. “As in they weren’t bleeding like they usually are whenever I have to talk to this chick.”

Davis continued: “She’s been coming here for four years, and every single time she orders I just want to take a chicken skewer and poke out my eardrums. Her squeaky, ‘cutesy’ voice is jarring — think a cracked out, screeching harpy in leggings.

Not to mention, she makes the most complicated orders like requesting soymilk, ex-

actly 15 boba in her drink, and a pastel pink straw! Just drink the friggin’ drink normally or don’t drink it at all!”

Another passerby, Michael Stevens, noted that he was entranced by the voice.

“I had never heard anything so beautiful before — even more engrossing than Beethoven’s Seventh Symphony, better than if Beyonce were to whisper sweet nothings into my ear. I just knew I had to find out to whom that lovely voice belonged, so I could profess my undying love to her. Love at first sound. Ahhh…can you hear the angels singing? I sure do.”

Since Morgan’s slip-up last week, many girls across campus have begun to drop their

façade and returned to speaking in their normal register.

“Shit just got real, literally!” Katie Pearson, a thirdyear Muir College student said. “All this time I’ve been huffing helium to try and attract guys, because I heard men love it when women sound like a cat in heat. But now — now I realize I can be myself. This is so deep! It’s like the time when I found out Rocky Mountain oysters are not oysters but actually bull testicles.”

Morgan has not been seen since the incident but it has been rumored that she has been kicked out of her sorority for ruining their image, and has filed a restraining order against Stevens.

Mostly A’s: Based primarily on your reading level, it might be a good idea for you to remain in college…indefinitely…forever. Alternatively, you might be suited for something a little less frantic than normal careers, like being a body double for a log.

Staff Writer

Mostly B’s: You are a cold, calculating, lifeless fiend, so it looks like actuarial science is your game: the only science that allows you to analyze your own morality!

BY IVANNA TOBOGGAN

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Mostly C’s: You read this far! Well, with that kind of determination, you could go anywhere, do anything, be anyone.

But we both know you won’t.

“I really wish I kept the receipt for these friends I bought,” Morgan lamented.

Count up your answers; then see below. Can’t read upside-down? No problem, simply rotate the page.

Page 6

June 6, 2012

theMQ.com

MQ’S GUIDE TO THE BEACH

Chances are, you’ll get tired of all the sex you’ll be having and hung-over from all the crazy parties that you’ll go to this summer. Don’t worry, though — Thomas Edison invented the beach in 1851 for that very reason*! With that, enjoy our guide to the beach. After avoiding that terrifying and foreign place where the land touches that blue thing for the last four years, you’ll need it. *Though Leonardo DiCaprio brought it to life with his beautiful blue eyes.

What to bring to the beach?

Let’s be honest, nature sucks. Maybe if you bring these things it will suck less.

Yacht: How will everyone else know you’re filthy rich?

Aside from your La Jolla zip code.

A book: If you’re a loser.

Who reads anyway?

Concrete shoes: Great for sleeping with fishes

Really, really lost Cuban refugee

Dying body board: Sick waves, sweet prince. . .

Dead body board: Your stepdad’s collection of Got it! This is so much easier now that he isn’t fighting first editions for a bonfire: back!

You’re not my dad! And neither is this Fitzgerald guy!

Dignity: Just kidding, leave His book is on fire! that at home.

He’ll give me mouth to mouth, an Blow-up doll raft then we can make out! I saw thi

shit in a movie.

Snorkeler

Dead snorkeler

It’s not beer. We swear.

Antiso

June 6, 2012

theMQ.com

Page 7

Your Moles and You!

Somebody in a lab coat told us that the sun can give you moles, that moles are bad, and that they can give you cancer. That beauty mark your mom said made you special might actually be cancer. Sorry.

t Probably a tattoo Really trying to get that sponsorship Cancerous

nd is

Extraneous back nipple

The Democratic People’s Republic never sleeps.

Incredibly Useful map of New York subway system

Sharpie from your last party

ocial media You may have been shot, sir.

theMQ.com

Page 8

Socialism on Rise in Europe, Obama Unsure How to Feel About It

BY JACK BEEGAN

Assistant Content Editor

W

ith European elections resulting in large victories for the left, what remains of the free world is looking to its leader, noted socialist Barack Obama, for guidance. However, recent reports suggest that the president is unsure as to how he should respond. Many rumors suggest that the president feels torn between his American duty to hate those goddamn commie pinko European bastards and his secret socialist Muslim agenda to promote godless European values.

“I don’t know,” the president said. “I mean, I guess it’s cool or whatever if you’re into that kind of thing.”

Some believe he is trying to hide what reports have referred to as “excitement.”

The president was said to have been unable to sleep before France’s recent presidential election and spent the night repeatedly calling election officials for polling updates. Details regarding Obama’s familiarity with France’s unique number system are disturbingly scarce.

“Obama’s discretion is pretty reasonable,” political commentator Victor Gosbank said. “He had already done his job for the Party in becoming America’s first socialist president, but that office is worthless unless he can bring full communism to the entire planet.”

Insiders say Obama has taken to spending hours

PHOTO BY HILARY MOREFIELD

The White House still denies that the president ever inhaled Marxism. in the Oval Office with the door closed, learning French in order to communicate with French President-elect and fellow comrade François Hollande. “The commander-in-chief intended to learn Greek at one point but decided against it after expressing his frustration with pronouncing the word ‘gyro,’” White House staffer Karla Luxembourg said. “He felt a yogurt-based cultural

exchange might work better.”

Analysts have noted a distinct lack of past evidence on Obama’s reactions to similar events that might shed light on this issue. No records of Obama’s feelings towards the spread of Islam during the seventh and eighth centuries are available. In what seems to be an attempt at an elaborate cover-up, national archivists have issued a statement, saying, “Our records do

not go back that far,” and “It is unlikely that there is written documentation of something the 43rd president of the United States said from 610-750 C.E.” Furthermore, Obama was noted to have been “suspiciously quiet” during the Russian Revolution of 1917 and did not even appear at a single meeting of the House Committee on Un-American Activities from its 1947 inception to its 1975 abolishment.

In fact, Obama has a long history of being tight-lipped with his opinions, a quality he may have learned at Jakarta’s famed Madrassa for Radical Marxist Thought and World-wide Shariah, where some say he studied as a teenager.

While Obama has tried to remain neutral on the issue, Vice President Joe Biden has continued with the blunt manner for which he has become known. “Socialists in Europe? Reagan would be seeing red.” Sources offer conflicting information on what Biden thinks “VP” stands for, though most would suggest he believes himself to be the first Catholic American to serve as Viceroy of Puns.

Thus far, Obama has been able to buy himself enough American support with Osama bin Laden’s death. Soon, however, the president will have to choose between his God-given duty as leader of the free world or his radical ideologies. After all, Hawaii is currently a vote away from being the next member of the European Union.

Professor Learns How to Log on to World Wide Web Internet Browser, Embraces Web 2.0 Cloud Social Media Technology

June 6, 2012

POINT

My Roommate and I Have Very Clear Boundaries

BY CONNOR FALKENSTEIN Large Personal Bubble

I

only have one rule: you must respect all of my rules.

This especially applies to my roommate, Ryan, whom I found on Craigslist. Surprisingly, none of my former suitemates from my freshman year wanted to live with me.

Since I figured I had to deal with whatever I got on Craigslist, I was fortunate that Ryan is a fairly reasonable man. He respects my cardinal rule: cross your heart and hope to die, no matter what, under no circumstances, unquestionably never, ever store the milk in the refrigerator door.

Ever since Ryan grasped the concept of my cardinal rule, it’s been relatively smooth sailing. But I do continually have to ring up the roommate contract I made him sign. I’ve looked it over

with my father’s lawyer and that document is literally ironclad. I did that because my last roommate tried to burn the copy I had him sign.

I sometimes question inviting a roommate to live with me. After all, it’s a huge step, letting someone breathe the same air as you every single night. But you know, Ryan’s a good roommate. And I’m told it’s always better than falling asleep to the empty echoes of your lonely sobs.

COUNTERPOINT

Stop Putting up Barriers Between Us

BY RYAN ROBINSON Misunderstood Bro

I

t’s one thing to wall me off with all of these rules, but a picket fence between our beds? I can’t believe I would get that treatment after being the only person that responded to your pathetic Craigslist ad. It’s time you grew up and realized that your daddy isn’t always going to pay for your living expenses or your grades.

I understand each person deserves his own privacy, but since when can’t a bro compliment a bro on his physique?

If there’s anything I need to apologize for, it’s appreciating a healthy, toned body when I see one.

Wait, at this point it seems like I’m getting vicious and letting it all out, but I didn’t really mean those words. I’m sorry, bro. I hope there’s a way, and I mean any way, that I can make

it up to you.

Lately I’ve been going through some confusing times, and I sure as hell appreciate any company I can get. There were definitely misunderstandings with my former roommates as I guess we just weren’t seeing eye-to-eye.

Deep down, I guess I’m interested in your wellbeing and want to really get to know you, you know? So I’m asking you, Connor, please tear down this wall. Our beds are literally five feet away from each other.

TOP FIFTEEN

Alternate Summer Reading Books

“This sure is worldwide; I’ve already been contacted by a Nigerian prince.”

BY ROBIN BETZ

W

Design Editor

ith the advent of new technologies for teaching and learning, many professors are struggling to keep up with the times. Dr. Philip Jackson, a professor of literature at the University of California, San Diego, is trying his best to counteract this trend by making efforts to incorporate technology into the classroom. Recently, Dr. Jackson received a $10,000 grant for new computer equipment from Calit2’s Loans and Opportunity for Literature in Academic Research and Technology (LOLART).

He used the grant to purchase a MacBook.

“This computer really has had a transformative effect on my teaching,” Dr. Jackson said. “Before, my style was more pedagogical than interactive, but now the anticountervisionary etiology of 18thcentury Caribbean feminist literature really comes to life.”

Many students were thrilled with their increased ability to interact with their professor. “Before buying his laptop, Professor Jackson was really hard to talk to. He kept falling asleep in office hours while reading printouts of my paper,” Jaquelyn Williamson, a literature major, said. “Now, I can tweet him each and every revision of my thesis statement!”

Despite Williamson’s statement, Dr. Jackson insisted he was not a member

of Twitter. “I’m on the face thing,” he said, and then added with a wink, “and, y’know, the one with the naked ladies.”

“Oh god,” Williamson said. “I thought he was telling me to focus more on the dynamics of memoir and bildungsroman in lesbian communities! I guess this explains why I got an A, though.”

Not all of Jackson’s students were pleased with the professor’s use of technology in the classroom. “Professor Jackson friended me on Facebook,” writing major Shirley Chen said. “And now he won’t stop liking my pictures.”

“Every time he types ‘how to Google’ into Google, I die a little inside,” computer science student Wilson Owens added.

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Jackson explained the importance of interacting with his students online. “I can connect with them like never before with my Myspace account! On the World Wide Web, everything is possible!

Once, I used my laptop while on a flight to a conference — cloud computing is so easy!”

“I just hope he doesn’t figure out how to use Turnitin,” one senior, who wished to remain anonymous, said.

Jackson is now considering adding iPads to his cross-cultural literatures class. “They really capture and demonstrate the ethnographic spirit of humanity,” he said. “They come in black and white, have a proprioceptive interface with the world, and break when you hit them with a hammer.”

15. A Room of One’s Own: How to Survive Being Grounded 14. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: More Scary Tales to Say in the Dark 13. The Complete Shake Spear: An Introduction to Tribal Dance 12. The Bible (Condensed Homophobic Rants Version) 11. Ulysses: Don’t Ask Me, I Didn’t Write This Shit 10. Cliff’s Complete Notes 9. Machiavelli’s The Artist Formerly Known as Prince 8. The Da Vinci Code: Intermediate Pig Latin 7. One Hundred Years of Solitude: Getting Used to Loneliness 6. How to Kill A Mockingbird by Sarah Palin 5. Charlotte’s Web: A Guide to Porking on the Internet 4. Dummies for Dyslexia 3. The Scarlet Letter: An Idiot’s Guide to Neon Signage 2. Marx’s Capital: A Theory on Beginnings of Sentences and Proper Nouns 1. Kama Sutra for One

theMQ.com

June 6, 2012

Page 9

Murder Club Holds First General Body Massacre

POINT

When I Grow Up, I’m Going to Be a Fireman!

BY IVAN A. BURNSTEIN

Midlife-Crisis-Afflicted Father

I

’m gonna do it! It’ll be so exciting! And fun! And I’ll get to use a fire hose, and a fire hydrant, and a fire pole, and a fire truck, and a fire dog, and a firehouse, and everything a real fireman uses! And people will love me! And your mom will love me again! And I’ll kick your “uncle” Kev in the face.

And your mom will love me again! You don’t call him dad, do you? Never call him dad.

Every morning I’ll wake up to a pancake breakfast fundraiser for the old folks, and I’ll eat all the pancakes. Then I’ll rescue a kitten from a tree with a fire hose. Then I’ll suppress a riot with a fire ladder. Then I’ll spray a fire hydrant up in the air for all of the children to play in.

And I’ll be the hero of everyone,

“All right guys, see you at the meeting next week,” one student said.

BY ZAC HANN

Associate Content Editor

T

he La Jolla Young Champions Preparatory Academy has added yet another extracurricular organization to its roster, ensuring that its pupils will send an impressive and wordy application to all eight of the Ivy League schools. This newest group is named the “Murder Club,” a place for students — and sometimes faculty — to come together and share views and opinions on murder and to discuss famous murders in history. The club’s members also brutally end the lives of innocent, defenseless people.

The Murder Club held its first general body massacre this week. They met in the cafeteria with an assortment of rifles and chainsaws and moved through the school, annihilating the chess club

but only decimating the football team, who allegedly “put up a good fight.” The Trebuchet Construction Committee was able to vanquish some 11 Murder Club members, but was ultimately defeated. The fate of the Starcraft Society surprised no one.

The club was founded last month by 15-year-old Thom McGarner, a lawyer’s son who enjoys basketball and Greek food in addition to beating invalids in the face with a crowbar. “There’s a lot of stress to get into big-name schools at the Academy,” McGarner will say to anyone who will listen.

“I decided to start the club as a place where we could all let off a little steam and bond over our common passion.”

“Man, I’d slaughter my own grandmother for some tzatziki right now,” he continued. “Well, too late, but you get the point.”

The club’s members have enthusiastically described the organization as an environment where they flourish not only in emotional and social development, but also academically. “We’re all curve-killers in the club,” Lisa Moroni, Murder Club treasurer, said. “The other kids don’t stand a chance of matching our test scores.

You wouldn’t either if I had been holding your head underwater for the last six minutes!” she chuckled.

The fledgling group has been the target of many teachers, parents, and La Jolla community members, all of whom have lambasted the organization as unethical and dangerous. Intensely critical and even downright accusatory questions have been directed at it, such as, “Murder is illegal! It’s bloody illegal! Why are we even hav-

except the Colorado River ecosystem! But then I’ll volunteer to put out raging brush fires in the drought- stricken Colorado River ecosystem! Heroism!

I’m gonna be able to run red lights whenever I want, and wear leathery overalls for a living, and I’m gonna have a siren and bright flashing lights!

Weeeooo-WeeeoooWeeeooo-Weeeooo!!!

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

ing this debate?” and, “Where is my daughter? If you touch a single hair on her head, by Christ, I’ll . . .”

Despite strong opposition from the community, the club members’ enthusiasm and eloquent arguments won the day, and they were granted official student club status and school funding. It has been speculated that the meat cleavers played a role as well.

The organization has decided to hold its next GBM at the Fashion Valley mall, where McGarner hopes there will be enough people to sate his lust for gore and mayhem.

“The problem was that our campus has too small of a student body,” he stated. “Although small bodies are what some Murder Club members prefer.” Until then, the students of the Murder Club will focus on their studies as well as their neighbors’ children.

Jamaican Disc Golf Team Hopes to Reach Fame of Jamaican Bobsled Team

COUNTERPOINT

Dad, Please Take off My Childhood Halloween Costume

BY AMANDA BURNSTEIN Coldly-Realist Daughter

F

irst of all, you are never going to be a fireman because you are criminally incompetent. Second of all, your addiction to “Call of Duty” has permanently stunted your capacity for personal growth.

You wail at the slightest discomfort. You sweat profusely with the lightest exercise. You have nervous breakdowns if you wake up before 10 a.m., and furious hissy fits if you go to bed after 8 p.m. Your life is an endless geriatric jeremiad.

Your ineptitude with our garden hose has resulted in the untimely deaths of thousands, if not millions, of nasturtiums and dieffenbachia. Your neurotic, superstitious belief makes you incapable of confronting a ladder without crossing yourself, throwing salt over your shoulder, and bloodily sacrificing a Dalmatian. Your pathetic attempts at making pancakes have resulted only in charred

black discuses, near fatal food poisoning, and unstoppable grease fires. Last week you ran a red light, ran over a kitten, and turned a nearby animal rights demonstration into a riot.

If you get hired at the local fire station I will send the fire chief a picture of our “fire” house last Christmas when you used “authentic” Christmas lights (which you thought meant attaching flaming candles to a large piece of dried wood). If that doesn’t get you fired, I will hasten the inevitable and burn down the fire station myself!

TOP TEN

Lines Left Out of ‘The Avengers’

With the blessing of Jah Rastafari and John Candy, may this disc find Zion.

BY CHRIS ALDAMA Staff Writer

J

amaican disc golfers surprised the media last Wednesday when the team began petitioning to allow professional disc golf into the 2012 Summer Olympics, publicly making movements for their sport to be a permanent fixture of the games. In an attempt to attract viewers and attention to the sports campaign, members plan on starring in a feature length film about their success or embarrassing, soul-crushing failure.

The profits from the film are planned to go straight to fund Jamaica’s national teams, with the hopes of continuing the legacy of achieving publicity for success as well as failure. If the film proves to be successful,

other teams plan on embracing a similar model. Pamela Bridgewater, U.S. Ambassador to Jamaica, stated, “Beekeeping, poker, and skeet shooting teams are already sending talent scouts across the nation.”

The disc golfers have made repeated attempts to contact Disney, the studio behind the 1993 hit “Cool Runnings,” which brought the Jamaican bobsled team into the spotlight. However, the team has spent most of their time conversing with security guards at Walt Disney Studios.

“They came at me with Frisbees and chains,” guard Chris Green said. “They were yelling things like ace, drive, fairway, and ‘Cool Runnings 2: Flying Fore a Birdie.’ I had to call for backup to get them out.”

This same story, however, was held in a different light

when told by the team. “We jumped the fence to talk to the people in the suits; it’s the only way we could get to them,” team captain George Hemmings said. “We started talking to them about this movie that would touch the hearts of tens of hundreds of people. They seemed interested. I think I even heard them say, ‘Maybe some other time.’ The chains did seem a little violent.”

While no company has picked up the film as of yet, the team is still hopeful.

When asked about the proposal of sponsoring Olympic events through movie sales of their failure, famous Jamaican sprinter Shelly-Ann Frazer explained: “We’re famous for running too fast and gliding too slowly, might as well be known for a sport in its obscurity. If we already

PHOTO BY CONNOR BREW

have Usain Bolt and ‘Cool Runnings,’ I guess Frisbee golf is another way to get some fast, easy money.”

The team’s persistence has motivated others within the Olympian community to fund their sports through the use of film as well. Teams that have attempted the same technique in hopes that they could have a similar chance at a success story include the Turkish squirrel waterskiing team, the Mexican improv troupe, and the American “League of Legends” clan.

Whether the profits of this movie will make a difference as to the position of the Jamaican budget is still in question. Until the final word is announced, the team is certain that their efforts are worthwhile, and will continue to “wait in the parking lot.”

10. Avenger? I hardly know ‘er!

9. I liked this better when I had my own movie 8. Hi, I’m Robin Scherbatsky. Has anyone seen Ted? 7. Black Widow, you’re such an essential part of this team!

6. See, I called you “point break” because your hair looks like Patrick Swayze’s in Point Break. Get it?

5. They don’t call me 4 Loki for nothing 4. You too can avenge with the new Acura TSX! 3. No one’s more American than a guy who can be defrosted when we need him 2. There is only one God, ma’am, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that. Also, he hates gays 1. Avengers, assemble!

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Page 10

June 6, 2012

theMQ.com

New A.S. Council Tables Resolution to Actually Get Something Done

EDITORIAL

If We Drive Out All of the Poor, Everyone Left Will Be Rich!

BY RYAN GIBBS AND CONNOR BREW

Assistant Graphics Editor and Staff Writer

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his past Wednesday, the Associated Students of University of California, San Diego’s tabled yet another measure to perform any important or even necessary duties during their next year in office. “It was the obvious choice,” Vice President of Reading Facebook During Meetings Ashley Winters said. “As elected officials, we have a responsibility to really represent the apathetic, uninvolved people who might have voted for us.”

The council also managed to address a staggering 45 budget proposals and 34 resolutions despite spending 2 1/2 of its three-hour meeting discussing members’ weekend plans.

“I skimmed over some of the two-page documents myself, and boy, was I impressed with some of the bubbling on those forms,” Assistant Vice Secretary of Bubbling and Shading, Arthur Green said.

“Honestly though, I’m a psych major who only understands Rorschach blots, so all of the numbers and letters went right over my head.”

The apparent strategy of the new council is to look at as many items as possible.

Supporters of the new system believe that by increasing the number of reports that cross their desk, the council would increase the number of issues receiving consideration.

“I really don’t understand why the general student body

BY MITT ROMNEY

Unopposed Republican Candidate for U.S. President

T

PHOTO BY KYLE KOERBER

Inaction, in action. doesn’t send more applications and requests our way,” Inspector General of Online Form Implementation and Analysis With Respect to Items That May Interest The Council At Some Point, Stephen Webber said.

“We’ve made it so easy for students as individuals or as student orgs to get their items addressed,” he said.

“All they have to do is fill out three forms on each of our four websites, cross-reference and collate said forms, print them, notarize them, obtain signatures from two separate college provosts, and then deliver them to our

hidden mailbox, which really only changes location about seven times a day.”

Such a governmental achievement by the 20112012 student council is largely the result of an overhauled budget request process. Since the funding for the Budget Approval Committee was completely cut by the previous council, new funding and budget requests are immediately handed off to the only other existing committee with the capability to handle them, the Budget Refusal Committee.

Still, council members seek to make it clear they

have the best interests of the student body at heart. “We’re a thoughtful bunch,” Head of Snacks and Sodas Jeremy Thompson remarked. “Just yesterday, we baked cupcakes for the entire school.”

“And then we ate them, of course,” he added. “But it’s the thought that counts.”

Due to the A.S. Council’s indefinite tabling of the resolution to get things done, many of the council members are looking to the future.

“It definitely makes me think what next year will be like if we’re not doing anything,” one council member said. “Probably identical to this year.”

Parents Brace for Influx of Unemployed College Grads

he other day, while I was on the campaign trail, I was out for a morning stroll with my private security force, armed with barely-legal top-of-the-line weaponry, when I came across a homeless man. He looked up at me and asked me if I had any spare change because he “lost his job” and his “family left him after the bank took the house.”

I gave him something far more valuable than one of the spare hundreds I had on me at the time: I told him to start his own business and invest his first million in a foolproof investment. He just scoffed at me and went back to his can of cat food! The snob.

This showed me more than anything that America has been down on its luck for too long. What America needs now is someone to take hold of the reins and steer this patriotic land onto the path toward prosperity. To once again obtain this prosperity — the prosperity of Morgan and Rockefeller — we must increase the percentage of rich people.

“How do we do that?” you may ask. My solution is a simple and beautiful one, my friend.

America is overrun with the lazy, self-righteous poor, and it is our job as patriotic conserv-

atives to drive them out and raise that desirable percentage of wealthy Americans.

I suppose my answer to your question has prompted another question: how exactly do we get rid of poor people?

Fortunately for you, my entire candidacy for president is geared toward that goal. Even opposing gay marriage plays a role in that. For you, and every red, white, and blue-blooded American, I will briefly outline my simple yet effective steps for returning America to the state envisioned by our landand slave-owning founding fathers, who like me refused to acknowledge anyone from the middle and lower classes unless they joined the military.

The first step of my master plan is a perfect example of killing three birds with one big, God-fearing, legislative stone. We must specifically overtax the poor in order to effectively discourage poverty.

This will cause a mass exodus for most unwilling to afford basic necessities like food and shelter. For the non-rich that still stay, their taxes will effectively trickle up to us.

The second and final step of my plan entails expanding upon an already existing premise: further privatization of the healthcare industry. Since we control the private sector of the healthcare industry, we will raise the price of insurance, making it too expensive to afford for the unmotivated poor.

You can’t protest measures benefiting the wealthy if you’re wheelchair-bound by polio.

Healthcare is a privilege, not a fundamental human right. If the poor want to be tied down and kept poor by the evils of free medical care, they can go waste away in some socialist hellhole like Canada. I hear the taxes are especially high this time of year.

TOP TEN

Similarities Between Your Parents’ Rules and the War on Terror 10. Founded on Islamophobia 9. Suprisingly ineffective 8. Way too much waterboarding 7. Most effective way to resist is to throw a shoe at the leader 6. Your father is the main enforcer 5. You don’t appreciate the cavity searches 4. Dick Cheney has a large hand in both 3. Both hurt chances of scoring some heroin 2. Couldn’t stand your homosexuality until recently 1. Huge overreaction to one incident with a bomb “Sweetie, you’re going to have to fight your uncle for room in the basement.”

BY AURORA LE Web Editor

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ith summer coming and graduation season approaching, many parents are preparing for the return of their unemployed sons and daughters.

The economic recession still has residual effects and employment opportunities are scarce for those who do not at have at least a master’s or doctorate degree. More than 50 percent of college graduates have returned to their parents’ home for the time being until they can find a stable job as a Quizno’s sandwich engineer or quality assurance agent at Trader Joe’s.

“I am so depressed! Why won’t anyone hire me?” Lucy Kapoor, a Winter 2012 cum

laude graduate with a double major in astrophysics and mechanical engineering, said. “I have spent almost every waking moment of the last four years in Geisel, NOT getting laid, and taking out a metric shit-ton of loans only to find out I’m going to be unemployed? What am I going to do now? Watch CNN all day? There’s no point since I found out Anderson Cooper is gay! Why is the world against me?!”

Not only are college graduates displeased with the current state of the U.S. job market, but parents are dreading the return of their children as well. In suburban neighborhoods across the country, home gyms and wrapping paper rooms have been converted back into normal bedrooms, local Costcos are

running out of 64-packs of two-ply toilet paper rolls, and dads are being forced to actually wear pants around the house again.

“I thought after he turned 18, I would get rid of him! I spent 27 hours in labor trying to squeeze him out and 18 years clothing him and feeding him, not to mention dealing with his two-year emo, teen angst, Hot Topic phase,” Margie Whitman, parent of a Stanford graduate, said. “I mean, what about ME time? How the am I supposed to enjoy reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ uninterrupted in the bathtub with Brent prancing around all the time, asking where the friggin’ Bagel Bites are?”

Although many families are disappointed by the impending return of their col-

PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS

lege graduates, business owners are looking forward to the influx of highly-educated and impoverished consumers, reeking of selfdoubt and cheap drugs.

“Finally! More people will start buying the Dorito shell taco and 64 oz. Mountain Dew!” Taco Bell branch manager Andy Sanders said. “Fremont has too many old people to sell this diarrhea volcano pack but with all the college kids coming back — who will probably be high or drunk all the time as a result of their boredom and depression — these tacos will sell like hotcakes. Oh! Maybe we should add hotcakes to the menu. Frito-crusted hotcakes. Yeah, I’ll make millions with that.”

TOP TEN

Lies You Tell Your Friends Back Home 10. So, I was at this party...

9. You lost the pregnancy weight so fast!

8. They’re real. I’m just a late bloomer.

7. I’ve made a new friend this year 6. Vaccines cause autism 5. I was so popular, the frats rushed me 4. I’m not racist, I go to UCSD 3. I’m a chef at this great restaurant called Oceanview Terrace 2. I was already this fat 1. I love you too, Mom

theMQ.com

June 6, 2012

State Cuts Funding for Math, K-12 Renamed K

Page 11

Dining Hall Closures Just First Step in University-Wide Health Initiative

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

“That’s the third severed foot in the deep fryer this year,” student employee Mark Ramirez said.

BY COREY BREIER Staff Writer

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

Pictured: a public school before the changes.

Following the announcement, the California department of education hastily decided that the educational levels formerly referred to as “K-12” will now just be known as “K.” It was deemed necessary, seeing as in the near future, people wouldn’t know what the number 12 is. Some argued that the move was irrelevant, seeing as most high school students don’t know what grade they’re in as it is.

“I think the Department of Education could have spent their time much more efficiently,” intern Veronica Stiles commented. “I compiled a quick report analyzing the schedules and budget of the education officials, and if they allocated 35 percent more time to reorganizing the budget, they would be able to save

the math program easily.”

Upon receiving the report, an immediate consensus was reached that no member of the Department of Education understood it, and Stiles was fired for all her “fancy number jargon.”

Starting in the 2012-2013 school year, all first through 12th grades will be eliminated, and kindergarten will simply be a 13-year program.

“I think the change is great,” said Daniel Lee, a current 11th grade student. “People always tell me that I act like a kindergartener anyways, and now they’re actually right!”

Initially, the department of education was planning on keeping kindergarten as it is, allowing students to apply to colleges directly after one year of kindergarten.

However, it turned out that no seven-year-olds wanted to apply to colleges that didn’t have majors in firefighting or being an astronaut.

“I’m really happy with how the new policy will work out,” Amy Sue, Vice Chair of Education, said. “We’ve been able to lay off so many other teachers now that kindergarten teachers are in charge of everything.”

Surprisingly, not all kindergarten teachers were thrilled with the move, as they now have 13 times as many students as before. “This new system is ridiculous. I have a room full of immature, uncontrollable students,” kindergarten teacher Sharon Braeburn said. “They’re huge distractions to my younger students.”

REPUBLICANS BAN AFTER SUCCESSGAY TAX FILING FUL OIL EXPLOITS TO PRESERVE INTO GULF OF SANCTITY OF TAX MEXICO, BP EVASION PLANS TO EXPAND OPERATIONS Last Thursday, Republican

new sources of energy to the region, including oil sands, an exciting prospect that the Florida coast is sure to see in the near future.

of my grandpa. I like him half out of pity and half because he’s just kind of adorable when he gets crazy ideas like this.”

HERMAN CAIN STILL OPTIMISTIC ABOUT NOMINATION IN REPUBLICAN PRIMARIES

TANNING MOM TANS DOG, GETS ARRESTED AGAIN

BY DYLAN BLACKIE

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Staff Writer

oday marked major changes in the California state budget, but most shocking was the cutting of the entire math department.

“No one was surprised when things like art and music were scrapped,” State Superintendent of Instruction Tom Torlakson said. “But math was always deemed an integral part of a basic education.”

“Hah, integral,” he later added. “I mean, what’s an integral?”

The state of California was hit hard by the recent economic downturn, but fortunately, this new policy change will ensure that no one will ever know whether or not California is in an economic downturn again.

Speaker of the House John Boehner introduced further plans to ban gays in all states from filing joint tax returns.

When asked about the sudden offense taken on gay tax rights, Boehner gave the statement, “Um, you know, Jesus and stuff.” One of his fellow congressmen, Ted Grassley, elaborated, “America is a country of family values. If we allow gays to file tax returns, next thing you know, leprechauns, dogs, and Muslims will be allowed to file tax returns, and there will be chaos.”

The measure drew support from many conservative pundits, such as Bill O’Reilly, who have been quick to point out that tax returns should be reserved for husband-wife and husband-young-hot-intern couples only.

Democrats were quick to point out that religion has no place in politics and that the measure is just plain “gay.”

They further retorted that Boehner sounds a lot like “boner,” and that’s just really funny. In response, the gay community held a “Gay Tax Pride Parade,” which was found by many to be surprisingly reserved and boring.

The bill may pass in the House, but President Obama has vowed to veto the bill if it appears on his desk, since he started advocating gay rights a few weeks ago. Either way, many speculate that the bill has a very long, hard, and stiff road ahead.

Following their success in the Gulf of Mexico, BP has announced plans to expand their operations into the Atlantic, just off the Florida coast. While BP reports that it has already begun pumping raw crude, representatives insist that this operation incorporates months of data following the previous Gulf of Mexico expansion.

BP promises that their newest venture will bring unprecedented commerce and traffic to the stagnant coast and is likely to spill over into parts of the Bahamas. Given the volume of its operations, BP suggests that residents along participating coastal regions should be excited at news that the pipeline has recently opened.

Top BP executives, who have long boasted of BP’s uncontrolled growth, admit that news of the new Atlantic expansion comes as no surprise and suggest that they have become the nation’s largest supplier of crude oil. “Soon BP will be on the mouths of every American, especially lovers of seafood,” one of several spokesmen announced.

While some may approach such large industrial expansion with apprehension, BP’s rampantly optimistic attitude seems to have quelled any concerns.

Furthermore, CEO Bob Dudley’s smile has insisted that the company will soon bring

At a press conference last week, former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain expressed optimism and enthusiasm at his chances of winning the nomination. “I’ve seen bigger comebacks before. This can be done,” he said to an audience of over six journalists. “Think back to Jurassic Park. Did the dinosaurs give up? No, they didn’t.”

Despite the fact that the republican primaries ended May 29, and that Herman Cain had previously dropped out of the race months before, he appears to be unfazed. He showed optimism with his commanding lead of the black Republican vote.

“I can count on all 12 of their votes,” he beamed at the press conference. In an attempt to garner more votes, Cain has also chosen Sarah Palin to be his vice presidential candidate, a move that he described as a “can’t miss.”

His reentry into the race and premature victory was met with confusion and double entendres from the public. Former Herman Cain supporter Joe Thorsson is now lukewarm about having Herman Cain as president, remarking, “He reminds me

Patricia Krentcil, the mother who was controversially arrested after sending her five-year-old daughter to a tanning salon, was recently released from jail late last week to the delight of her family. “Now we can finally eat again,” her daughter said. “Her body was the only source of ultraviolet light fueling our vegetable garden”.

On a follow-up visit to her residence yesterday, Krentcil’s probation officer entered the family living room to find tanning beds and a single Chihuahua dog. “If I can’t tan my five-year-old daughter, then my dog just has to suffer the consequences,” Krentcil told the officer.

“I’m just trying to keep up with society today,” she said, as she was thrown into the custom-made tanning car.

Police stated that they were unable to transport Krentcil’s body, because her skin is not receptive to the regular sunlight.

The newborn Chihuahua was taken to the hospital for X-rays, where it unfortunately died from overexposure to radiation. When asked for statements from doctors on the death of the dog, they simply said, “We forgot.” Mrs. Krentcil is currently awaiting trial for harboring illegal tanning beds from Mexico.

F

acing pressure from the recent public spotlight on obesity in young adults due to first lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign, UCSD Housing, Dining, and Hospitality appointed a special task force to help address this problem. After several months of exhaustive research and evaluation of possible actions the university could take, the team concluded that the best way to improve the health of University of California, San Diego students was to cut out dining hall food from their diets.

Many students agree that this may in fact be the best way for them to eat healthier.

“Everyone knows the only reason anyone eats at dining halls is because they are right there and you need to get rid of those dining dollars or its just wasted money,” one student noted. “It’s a matter of accessibility. I will eat whatever is closest to me and edible, literally. If you get rid of the gross dining hall food, the next closest thing becomes La Jolla Village, which is definitely a better option. Only issue is then I have to literally starve myself to the point of being hungry enough to make the trip over there. But I am sure HDH took that into consideration when they made this choice, right?”

Some critics have labeled the closings as a bad move, as they note that the dining halls could simply choose to serve healthier foods rather than closing their own establishments. HDH has dismissed these claims as irrelevant,

claiming that if students truly wanted to eat healthy they could simply have avoided the dining halls in the first place, and that closures are the only surefire way to ensure student health.

The health initiative will continue to roll onward in the coming months, and is comprised of several steps.

The first step of closing a few dining halls on weekends will be followed by the closing of all dining halls on weekends, and eventually the closing of all dining halls on weekdays as well, except for a few strategic evening hours that HDH has deemed “Allocated Trans Fat Hours.”

With the halls closed for the vast majority of the week, students will not be eating there and therefore have no choice but to eat somewhere healthier. The Allocated Trans Fat Hours provide a limited window in which students can be permitted to access the greasy burritos, cheesy meat sandwiches, and days-old cookies by the checkout stand that they remember from the “good old times.”

When pressed for information as to where hungry students who lack cars with which to access off-campus healthy options can turn to, the representative replied, “There are many existing on-campus dining options that are far healthier than the dining halls.

For instance, the Price Center Burger King is open 24 hours a day, and Rubio’s fish tacos are a great choice for those who wish to avoid contributing to the deleterious health and environmental effects of the beef industry. And there’s always Subway — you know it worked for Jared!”

TOP TEN

Ways To Secretly Live On Campus Next Year 10. Work in Price Center 24/7 9. Settle down for tandem nap next to perpetually sleeping professor emeritus 8. Get a job as a TA 7. As long as you keep sleeping at different desks in Geisel they’ll never catch on 6. Go to Mandeville, hold completely still and pretend to be art 5. Get an ADA transport pickup and just never tell them where to drop you off 4. Move onto campus, don’t tell anyone 3. Become really good at hide and seek 2. Tenure 1. Stop having friends, going to parties, or having fun

June 6, 2012 theMQ.com Page 12

A Tribute to Chancellor Foxy

Smile for the pepper spray!

0.3%

r ye

Ma

We did it guys! We finally consolidated the libraries, and all it took was a UCPD surge.

Protesting Waiting for her to get on stage Stalking Ignoring her emails Asking her to get off the land your ancestors are buried on

Student interactions with Chancellor Fox: a commemorative pie chart 18.7%

54%

e eW Yes nne Ca

e Ann

Geoffrey Chaucer once wrote, “All things must end.” He’s dead, so he can’t be that smart.

Still, he was right about things and endings. Chancellor Fox, it’s been a great eight years.

We hope you’ve had as much fun and incurred as much crippling debt as we have.

Best day ever... till we ran through the sprinklers.

A lock of her hair!

12%

15%

Fox defended herself by saying, “No, you eat your own doody”

Who is that guy? And why is he moving in on our lady?

Not a ul sh gho fiendi st) (hone

You fiend r favorite i s h g houl

Chancellor Fox? More like Chancellor

ROCKS

The campaign buttons were a nice touch, but you knew we didn’t have a choice, right?

Receiving her fourth place medal from the Amateur Science Fair club. Owning n00bs and poor students.