MURDER CLUB HOLDS FIRST GENERAL BODY MASSACRE

theMQ.com June 6, 2012

Murder Club Holds First General Body Massacre

“All right guys, see you at the meeting next week,” one student said.

BY ZAC HANN Associate Content Editor T he La Jolla Young Champions Preparatory Academy has added yet another extracurricular organization to its roster, ensuring that its pupils will send an impressive and wordy application to all eight of the Ivy League schools. This newest group is named the “Murder Club,” a place for students — and sometimes faculty — to come together and share views and opinions on murder and to discuss famous murders in history. The club’s members also brutally end the lives of innocent, defenseless people. The Murder Club held its first general body massacre this week. They met in the cafeteria with an assortment of rifles and chainsaws and moved through the school, annihilating the chess club but only decimating the football team, who allegedly “put up a good fight.” The Trebuchet Construction Committee was able to vanquish some 11 Murder Club members, but was ultimately defeated. The fate of the Starcraft Society surprised no one.

The club was founded last month by 15-year-old Thom McGarner, a lawyer’s son who enjoys basketball and Greek food in addition to beating invalids in the face with a crowbar. “There’s a lot of stress to get into big-name schools at the Academy,” McGarner will say to anyone who will listen. “I decided to start the club as a place where we could all let off a little steam and bond over our common passion.”

“Man, I’d slaughter my own grandmother for some tzatziki right now,” he continued. “Well, too late, but you get the point.” The club’s members have enthusiastically described the organization as an environment where they flourish not only in emotional and social development, but also academically. “We’re all curve-killers in the club,” Lisa Moroni, Murder Club treasurer, said. “The other kids don’t stand a chance of matching our test scores. You wouldn’t either if I had been holding your head underwater for the last six minutes!” she chuckled.

The fledgling group has been the target of many teachers, parents, and La Jolla community members, all of whom have lambasted the organization as unethical and dangerous. Intensely critical and even downright accusatory questions have been directed at it, such as, “Murder is illegal! It’s bloody illegal! Why are we even hav

PHOTO BY BORA BUYUKTIMKIN

ing this debate?” and, “Where is my daughter? If you touch a single hair on her head, by Christ, I’ll . . .”

Despite strong opposition from the community, the club members’ enthusiasm and eloquent arguments won the day, and they were granted official student club status and school funding. It has been speculated that the meat cleavers played a role as well. The organization has decided to hold its next GBM at the Fashion Valley mall, where McGarner hopes there will be enough people to sate his lust for gore and mayhem. “The problem was that our campus has too small of a student body,” he stated. “Although small bodies are what some Murder Club members prefer.” Until then, the students of the Murder Club will focus on their studies as well as their neighbors’ children.

Jamaican Disc Golf Team Hopes to Reach Fame of Jamaican Bobsled Team

BY IVAN A. BURNSTEIN Midlife-Crisis-Afflicted Father I ’m gonna do it! It’ll be so exciting! And fun! And I’ll get to use a fire hose, and a fire hydrant, and a fire pole, and a fire truck, and a fire dog, and a firehouse, and everything a real fireman uses! And people will love me! And your mom will love me again! And I’ll kick your “uncle” Kev in the face. And your mom will love me again! You don’t call him dad, do you? Never call him dad.

Every morning I’ll wake up to a pancake breakfast fundraiser for the old folks, and I’ll eat all the pancakes. Then I’ll rescue a kitten from a tree with a fire hose. Then I’ll suppress a riot with a fire ladder. Then I’ll spray a fire hydrant up in the air for all of the children to play in. And I’ll be the hero of everyone,

except the Colorado River ecosystem! But then I’ll volunteer to put out raging brush fires in the drought- stricken Colorado River ecosystem! Heroism!

I’m gonna be able to run red lights whenever I want, and wear leathery overalls for a living, and I’m gonna have a siren and bright flashing lights! Weeeooo-WeeeoooWeeeooo-Weeeooo!!!

COUNTERPOINT Dad, Please Take off My Childhood Halloween Costume

BY AMANDA BURNSTEIN Coldly-Realist Daughter

First of all, you are never going to be a fireman because you are criminally incompetent. Second of all, your addiction to “Call of Duty” has permanently stunted your capacity for personal growth. You wail at the slightest discomfort. You sweat profusely with the lightest exercise. You have nervous breakdowns if you wake up before 10 a.m., and furious hissy fits if you go to bed after 8 p.m. Your life is an endless geriatric jeremiad. Your ineptitude with our garden hose has resulted in the untimely deaths of thousands, if not millions, of nasturtiums and dieffenbachia. Your neurotic, superstitious belief makes you incapable of confronting a ladder without crossing yourself, throwing salt over your shoulder, and bloodily sacrificing a Dalmatian. Your pathetic attempts at making pancakes have resulted only in charred

black discuses, near fatal food poisoning, and unstoppable grease fires. Last week you ran a red light, ran over a kitten, and turned a nearby animal rights demonstration into a riot.

If you get hired at the local fire station I will send the fire chief a picture of our “fire” house last Christmas when you used “authentic” Christmas lights (which you thought meant attaching flaming candles to a large piece of dried wood). If that doesn’t get you fired, I will hasten the inevitable and burn down the fire station myself!

With the blessing of Jah Rastafari and John Candy, may this disc find Zion.

PHOTO BY CONNOR BREW

BY CHRIS ALDAMA Staff Writer

Jamaican disc golfers surprised the media last Wednesday when the team began petitioning to allow professional disc golf into the 2012 Summer Olympics, publicly making movements for their sport to be a permanent fixture of the games. In an attempt to attract viewers and attention to the sports campaign, members plan on starring in a feature length film about their success or embarrassing, soul-crushing failure. The profits from the film are planned to go straight to fund Jamaica’s national teams, with the hopes of continuing the legacy of achieving publicity for success as well as failure. If the film proves to be successful, other teams plan on embracing a similar model. Pamela Bridgewater, U.S. Ambassador to Jamaica, stated, “Beekeeping, poker, and skeet shooting teams are already sending talent scouts across the nation.” The disc golfers have made repeated attempts to contact Disney, the studio behind the 1993 hit “Cool Runnings,” which brought the Jamaican bobsled team into the spotlight. However, the team has spent most of their time conversing with security guards at Walt Disney Studios. “They came at me with Frisbees and chains,” guard Chris Green said. “They were yelling things like ace, drive, fairway, and ‘Cool Runnings 2: Flying Fore a Birdie.’ I had to call for backup to get them out.”

This same story, however, was held in a different light when told by the team. “We jumped the fence to talk to the people in the suits; it’s the only way we could get to them,” team captain George Hemmings said. “We started talking to them about this movie that would touch the hearts of tens of hundreds of people. They seemed interested. I think I even heard them say, ‘Maybe some other time.’ The chains did seem a little violent.”

While no company has picked up the film as of yet, the team is still hopeful. When asked about the proposal of sponsoring Olympic events through movie sales of their failure, famous Jamaican sprinter Shelly-Ann Frazer explained: “We’re famous for running too fast and gliding too slowly, might as well be known for a sport in its obscurity. If we already have Usain Bolt and ‘Cool Runnings,’ I guess Frisbee golf is another way to get some fast, easy money.”

The team’s persistence has motivated others within the Olympian community to fund their sports through the use of film as well. Teams that have attempted the same technique in hopes that they could have a similar chance at a success story include the Turkish squirrel waterskiing team, the Mexican improv troupe, and the American “League of Legends” clan.

Whether the profits of this movie will make a difference as to the position of the Jamaican budget is still in question. Until the final word is announced, the team is certain that their efforts are worthwhile, and will continue to “wait in the parking lot.”

10. Avenger? I hardly know ‘er! 9. I liked this better when I had my own movie 8. Hi, I’m Robin Scherbatsky. Has anyone seen Ted? 7. Black Widow, you’re such an essential part of this team! 6. See, I called you “point break” because your hair looks like Patrick Swayze’s in Point Break. Get it? 5. They don’t call me 4 Loki for nothing 4. You too can avenge with the new Acura TSX! 3. No one’s more American than a guy who can be defrosted when we need him 2. There is only one God, ma’am, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that. Also, he hates gays 1. Avengers, assemble! TOPTEN Lines Left Out of ‘The Avengers’