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June 6, 2012
theMQ.com
New A.S. Council Tables Resolution to Actually Get Something Done
EDITORIAL
If We Drive Out All of the Poor, Everyone Left Will Be Rich!
BY RYAN GIBBS AND CONNOR BREW
Assistant Graphics Editor and Staff Writer
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his past Wednesday, the Associated Students of University of California, San Diego’s tabled yet another measure to perform any important or even necessary duties during their next year in office. “It was the obvious choice,” Vice President of Reading Facebook During Meetings Ashley Winters said. “As elected officials, we have a responsibility to really represent the apathetic, uninvolved people who might have voted for us.” The council also managed to address a staggering 45 budget proposals and 34 resolutions despite spending 2 1/2 of its three-hour meeting discussing members’ weekend plans. “I skimmed over some of the two-page documents myself, and boy, was I impressed with some of the bubbling on those forms,” Assistant Vice Secretary of Bubbling and Shading, Arthur Green said. “Honestly though, I’m a psych major who only understands Rorschach blots, so all of the numbers and letters went right over my head.” The apparent strategy of the new council is to look at as many items as possible. Supporters of the new system believe that by increasing the number of reports that cross their desk, the council would increase the number of issues receiving consideration. “I really don’t understand why the general student body
BY MITT ROMNEY
Unopposed Republican Candidate for U.S. President
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PHOTO BY KYLE KOERBER
Inaction, in action. doesn’t send more applications and requests our way,” Inspector General of Online Form Implementation and Analysis With Respect to Items That May Interest The Council At Some Point, Stephen Webber said. “We’ve made it so easy for students as individuals or as student orgs to get their items addressed,” he said. “All they have to do is fill out three forms on each of our four websites, cross-reference and collate said forms, print them, notarize them, obtain signatures from two separate college provosts, and then deliver them to our
hidden mailbox, which really only changes location about seven times a day.” Such a governmental achievement by the 20112012 student council is largely the result of an overhauled budget request process. Since the funding for the Budget Approval Committee was completely cut by the previous council, new funding and budget requests are immediately handed off to the only other existing committee with the capability to handle them, the Budget Refusal Committee. Still, council members seek to make it clear they
have the best interests of the student body at heart. “We’re a thoughtful bunch,” Head of Snacks and Sodas Jeremy Thompson remarked. “Just yesterday, we baked cupcakes for the entire school.” “And then we ate them, of course,” he added. “But it’s the thought that counts.” Due to the A.S. Council’s indefinite tabling of the resolution to get things done, many of the council members are looking to the future. “It definitely makes me think what next year will be like if we’re not doing anything,” one council member said. “Probably identical to this year.”
Parents Brace for Influx of Unemployed College Grads
he other day, while I was on the campaign trail, I was out for a morning stroll with my private security force, armed with barely-legal top-of-the-line weaponry, when I came across a homeless man. He looked up at me and asked me if I had any spare change because he “lost his job” and his “family left him after the bank took the house.” I gave him something far more valuable than one of the spare hundreds I had on me at the time: I told him to start his own business and invest his first million in a foolproof investment. He just scoffed at me and went back to his can of cat food! The snob. This showed me more than anything that America has been down on its luck for too long. What America needs now is someone to take hold of the reins and steer this patriotic land onto the path toward prosperity. To once again obtain this prosperity — the prosperity of Morgan and Rockefeller — we must increase the percentage of rich people. “How do we do that?” you may ask. My solution is a simple and beautiful one, my friend. America is overrun with the lazy, self-righteous poor, and it is our job as patriotic conserv-
atives to drive them out and raise that desirable percentage of wealthy Americans. I suppose my answer to your question has prompted another question: how exactly do we get rid of poor people? Fortunately for you, my entire candidacy for president is geared toward that goal. Even opposing gay marriage plays a role in that. For you, and every red, white, and blue-blooded American, I will briefly outline my simple yet effective steps for returning America to the state envisioned by our landand slave-owning founding fathers, who like me refused to acknowledge anyone from the middle and lower classes unless they joined the military. The first step of my master plan is a perfect example of killing three birds with one big, God-fearing, legislative stone. We must specifically overtax the poor in order to effectively discourage poverty. This will cause a mass exodus for most unwilling to afford basic necessities like food and shelter. For the non-rich that still stay, their taxes will effectively trickle up to us. The second and final step of my plan entails expanding upon an already existing premise: further privatization of the healthcare industry. Since we control the private sector of the healthcare industry, we will raise the price of insurance, making it too expensive to afford for the unmotivated poor. You can’t protest measures benefiting the wealthy if you’re wheelchair-bound by polio. Healthcare is a privilege, not a fundamental human right. If the poor want to be tied down and kept poor by the evils of free medical care, they can go waste away in some socialist hellhole like Canada. I hear the taxes are especially high this time of year.
TOP TEN
Similarities Between Your Parents’ Rules and the War on Terror 10. Founded on Islamophobia 9. Suprisingly ineffective 8. Way too much waterboarding 7. Most effective way to resist is to throw a shoe at the leader 6. Your father is the main enforcer 5. You don’t appreciate the cavity searches 4. Dick Cheney has a large hand in both 3. Both hurt chances of scoring some heroin 2. Couldn’t stand your homosexuality until recently 1. Huge overreaction to one incident with a bomb “Sweetie, you’re going to have to fight your uncle for room in the basement.” BY AURORA LE Web Editor
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ith summer coming and graduation season approaching, many parents are preparing for the return of their unemployed sons and daughters. The economic recession still has residual effects and employment opportunities are scarce for those who do not at have at least a master’s or doctorate degree. More than 50 percent of college graduates have returned to their parents’ home for the time being until they can find a stable job as a Quizno’s sandwich engineer or quality assurance agent at Trader Joe’s. “I am so depressed! Why won’t anyone hire me?” Lucy Kapoor, a Winter 2012 cum
laude graduate with a double major in astrophysics and mechanical engineering, said. “I have spent almost every waking moment of the last four years in Geisel, NOT getting laid, and taking out a metric shit-ton of loans only to find out I’m going to be unemployed? What am I going to do now? Watch CNN all day? There’s no point since I found out Anderson Cooper is gay! Why is the world against me?!” Not only are college graduates displeased with the current state of the U.S. job market, but parents are dreading the return of their children as well. In suburban neighborhoods across the country, home gyms and wrapping paper rooms have been converted back into normal bedrooms, local Costcos are
running out of 64-packs of two-ply toilet paper rolls, and dads are being forced to actually wear pants around the house again. “I thought after he turned 18, I would get rid of him! I spent 27 hours in labor trying to squeeze him out and 18 years clothing him and feeding him, not to mention dealing with his two-year emo, teen angst, Hot Topic phase,” Margie Whitman, parent of a Stanford graduate, said. “I mean, what about ME time? How the am I supposed to enjoy reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ uninterrupted in the bathtub with Brent prancing around all the time, asking where the friggin’ Bagel Bites are?” Although many families are disappointed by the impending return of their col-
PHOTO BY RYAN GIBBS
lege graduates, business owners are looking forward to the influx of highly-educated and impoverished consumers, reeking of selfdoubt and cheap drugs. “Finally! More people will start buying the Dorito shell taco and 64 oz. Mountain Dew!” Taco Bell branch manager Andy Sanders said. “Fremont has too many old people to sell this diarrhea volcano pack but with all the college kids coming back — who will probably be high or drunk all the time as a result of their boredom and depression — these tacos will sell like hotcakes. Oh! Maybe we should add hotcakes to the menu. Frito-crusted hotcakes. Yeah, I’ll make millions with that.”
TOP TEN
Lies You Tell Your Friends Back Home 10. So, I was at this party... 9. You lost the pregnancy weight so fast! 8. They’re real. I’m just a late bloomer. 7. I’ve made a new friend this year 6. Vaccines cause autism 5. I was so popular, the frats rushed me 4. I’m not racist, I go to UCSD 3. I’m a chef at this great restaurant called Oceanview Terrace 2. I was already this fat 1. I love you too, Mom
