The December Issue

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December Issue

READY FOR THE HOLIDAYS: Oh What Fun

Friends, Family, and ...Football

Recipes Gift Guides and more!

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Emily Waldron ASSISTANT EDITOR Sarah Soenke

DESIGN Caroline Broler Austin Baird Emma Weissman

STAFF WRITERS Taylor Odisho, Scott Jackson, Scott Gantner, Sarah Soenke, F. Amanda Tugade Dan Broderick, John Edwards, Melissa Espa単a, Imani Brooks, Bailey Bryant

EDITORS Amanda Tugade, Elise King, John Edwards, Lauren Rohr, Philip Johnson, Sarah Soenke

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THE SPREAD IS A DIGITAL PUBLICATION OF THE REGISTERED STUDENT ORGANIZATION JAMS (JOURNALISM, ADVERTISING & MEDIA STUDENTS) OF THE COLLEGE OF MEDIA AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS

RELATIONSHIPS 4 Holiday gift guide FOOD & RESTAURANTS 6 THE HISTORY OF FRUITCAKE A look back at this “beloved” Christmas staple.

7 COOKIE RECIPES 8 SUSTAINABLE

FARMING ON CAMPUS

LIFESTYLE & EVENTS 10 CHRISTMAS GIFTS

ON A DIME

12

Santa stopped

smoking

SPORTS 23 TURKEY BOWL 24 THE NBA PRESENTS...

MUSIC 16 SUFJAN STEVENS ALBUM REVIEW

18 HOLIDAY PLAYLIST 20 WHATEVER

HAPPENED TO...

21 22

PUNK GOES POP

The jealous bitch in the corner

By: Melissa España

The holiday season is here yet again and on top of figuring out which Illinois mug you’re going to get Mom for Christmas this year, you just recently started dating that guy in your history class and need to make room in your budget for his gift as well.

But what kind of gift do you get someone when you’ve only been dating them for a couple of weeks? Or maybe you’ve been dating your high school sweetheart for years and have ran out of ideas.

Either way, holiday shopping can be stressful, especially if you have no idea what to get your significant other. With a few guidelines, holiday shopping can be made easy.

If you’ve been dating for...

A few weeks; less than a month

Things such as chocolate, stuffed animals or flowers (although usually not the best thing to give) can be appropriate to give someone if you’ve only been dating for a short amount of time. It may not be a good idea to spend a big chunk of money for a relationship that’s just barely starting out.

Homemade gifts can also be given. So if you’re a pro at baking, knitting or anything else that’s crafty, this could be a good time to put those skills to use.

A few months

By this point, you should have a good idea of what your significant other likes and doesn’t like and can splurge a bit more on his or her present. It also doesn’t hurt to ask this person what he or she wants. Maybe he’s had his eye on a new video game that just came out or wants a gift card from a certain store. If your significant other is into sports, getting him tickets to go watch his favorite team or getting him fan gear would be a good idea. For women, accessories such as scarves and hats are affordable and you won’t run the risk of getting them a dress that’s two sizes too big or small.

One year and up

At this point in a relationship, gifts can be more extravagant, especially if you’ve been together for years. Bigger and more expensive gifts are worth saving up for and by this time, one usually knows all of their significant others quirks. Therefore, it becomes easier to browse around different stores picking out what they’ll like. Something different that can be done is getting a bunch of smaller gifts and putting them into a big box.

That way, your significant other gets one big gift of all his or her favorite things.

What NOT to get your Significant Other: Guys

1. Boxers or socks

Remember that one Christmas when you were expecting a new LEGO set or Barbie Dream House? Remember when you opened your present and your parents had gotten you socks and underwear instead? Yeah, it’s not a good feeling. They aren’t bad presents, but you might remind your significant other of their mom who usually gets them this kind of stuff.

2. Gym or any other kind of membership

Usually new memberships for anything are a lot cheaper than the regular price, so surprising your boyfriend with a gym membership card will not only make him feel like you think he needs to lose weight, but it’ll also mean one of you has to keep spending more money if he keeps up with his membership. And some gyms don’t come cheap.

3. Lotions, skin care items

Most guys aren’t like girls who buy a lot of scented lotions, creams and other skin care items. In fact, most guys consider it going out of their way when they put on a bit of aftershave. So even though you mean well by buying your man a new set of skin care products, chances are they’ll end up being used only once or twice. Most guys just stick to their bar of soap, shaving and razor. cream

Girls

1. A stuffed animal, box of chocolate and a card

You’d be surprised how much these accumulate over the years. Stuffed animals and chocolate are basically the fallback gifts to give someone when you couldn’t think of a real gift. This is sometimes okay if you haven’t been dating very long, but with so many holidays offering a teddy bear to go along with a generic card, some girls probably have hundreds of these lying around.

2. Stripper pole, how-to sex books, or anything from Spencer’s

Christmas isn’t exactly the best day to surprise your girlfriend with a “Guide to Pleasing Your Man,” or with anything from Spencers’s back wall. If for no other reason, just remember these presents will more than likely be unwrapped in front of family.

3. Cheap jewelry

Because women can usually tell whether it’s from Kay Jewelers or Claire’s buytwo-get-one-free sale.

Anyone

1. Anything they would buy themselves

Although you may think you’re being thoughtful buying your girlfriend a new tube of mascara and a new bottle of conditioner, there’s nothing fun about getting a gift that they would otherwise pick up themselves. Gifts are supposed to be things that someone doesn’t exactly “need” but something they want but won’t splurge on for themselves.

2. Gift card to a store that’s too expensive In theory, getting someone a gift card to a really expensive store might seem like a good idea, but when everything there costs more than $90, your $25 gift card won’t do anyone any good. It just means he or she will have to spend more money on his/her own gift.

3. A puppy (or any other kind of pet).

Although a big-eyed, furry friend might seem like a cute and thoughtful gift for your sweetheart, this isn’t the type of gift to give away so willingly. Getting a pet on Christmas is said to be an awful idea because the poor thing will be very overwhelmed by all the noise and craziness. A pet should only be bought when the potential owner is ready to take care of it 100 percent. A dog isn’t something that can be thrown away once it gets boring — or accidentally poops on your carpet.

FOOD & RESTAURANTS

THE HISTORY OF FRUITCAKE

As I walked through Schnucks supermarket with my mom the other day , I noticed the last remnants of an aisle display: a large pile of disgusting looking Hostess fruitcakes. I imagine that people would only even buy the “cake,” which looked more like a sodden brick, for the novelty of purchasing one of the last Hostess products. Nevertheless, it got me thinking about the origin of fruitcake.

Who made it? When? Why is it even still around? Is fruitcake the worst Christmas food of all time? (Probably.)

Fruitcake-like references date back to ancient Rome, where they combined pomegranate seeds, pine nuts and raisins to a barley mash to make their version of the cake. Sweeter ingredients were later added in the Middle Ages, when the term “fruitcake” first appeared in writing.

Britain enjoyed a love affair with the cake after Pope Innocent VIII finally allowed members of his

church to use butter in the recipe in 1490.

Later, the Brits would bring the “treat” to America when they colonized our fair land. Once in America, we obviously added a ton of sugar to the product, and we figured out that large concentrations of sugar acted as great fruit preservatives.

With so much sugar-coated fruit lying around, we decided to throw that all in the fruitcake, making it delicious! Just kidding, everyone probably still hated it.

Even as nuts were added to the “dessert,” its popularity has sharply declined in the last century. Johnny Carson claims “the worst gift is a fruitcake.” Manitou Springs, Colo., hosts an annual Great Fruitcake Toss. Even alcoholic beverages—everything from rum to wine – only makes the cakes slightly more bearable in taste. However, the addition of alcohol does allow the cake to have an incredibly long shelf life, which means Hostess lovers could preserve the last Hostess fruitcakes for years to come.

By John Edwards

E

I was recently made aware of the economical and environmental benefits utilized by the residence hall cafeterias on our campus. Most do not know that much of the produce found in residence hall cafeterias is grown on our campus.

The produce comes from the Sustainable Student Farm located near the intersection of Lincoln and Windsor road.

The student farm serves many purposes for the University and local community. Students are able to utilize the farm as a means of education, research and as a cheap resource for University nutrition. The farm strives to incorporate education into all aspects of its operations. Although the produce is

Dorm Food: Produced and Consumed on Campus primarily sold to the University, the farm also sells its excess supply to students and the community on Anniversary Plaza, just south of the Quad, May through Nov. on Thursdays from 11 a.m. to 5 p.m.

Professor and student management labor and research are the support system of the farm. Student volunteering is the main source of the farm’s labor, complemented by professors’ help.

Small amounts of free produce are often offered to volunteers during times of peak harvest. The farm operates on six acres of land for approximately 45 to 48 weeks out of the year. Professors, in addition to helping with labor, manage and supervise the farm’s operations.

For more information about the Sustainable Student Farm and how to volunteer visit thefarm.illinois.edu

by Sam Edwards

CHRISTMAS

by Melissa EspaĂąa With the holidays quickly approaching and the temperature dropping everyday, what better way to warm up your house or apartment than by turning up the oven and baking some traditional Christmas cookies?

(Adapted from my mother’s recipe; measurements adapted from AllRecipes.com) CHRISTMAS COOKIE RECIPE Ingredients: 2 cups flour 1 cup softened butter 1/2 cup of baking shortening (Crisco) 1 cup of milk 1/2 cup sugar 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1 teaspoon baking powder 1 teaspoon baking soda Non-stick cooking spray OR stick of butter for greasing cookie sheet

Utensils: Measuring cups Measuring spoons Cookie baking sheet Wooden cutting board for kneading Oven Mitts Optional: Cookie cutters Rolling pin Icing, frosting, sprinkles, etc.

RECIPES 1.

Gather all the ingredients and make sure butter has been softened – the softer, the better.

2.

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees ℉.

3.

Combine the flower, sugar, powder and soda. Mix together with a wooden spoon.

4.

Add in the butter and shortening. Mix well until dough takes form.

5.

Add in vanilla extract and sugar. Mix well.

6.

Continue to mix until dough becomes ready to knead.

7.

Sprinkle flour on top of the cutting board and knead dough.

8.

Take chunks of dough and roll into walnut sized balls. For bigger cookies, make the balls of dough larger.

9.

8b. If using cookie cutters, instead of turning dough into small balls, use the rolling pin to roll it out onto the cutting board.

10.

Spray cookie sheet with non-stick cooking spray and place balls of dough on the sheet about two inches apart from each other.

11.

Place into oven and bake for 10-15 minutes.

12.

Be sure to check on the cookies often to avoid having them burn.

13.

When cookies are done, take out using oven mitts and place on a plate to cool.

14.

When cool, you can decorate the cookies using icing, frosting or sprinkles.

15.

Enjoy!

VEGAN NOG Not everyone enjoys the thick and creamy texture of eggnog, but with this easy and flexible vegan nog recipe, everyone can enjoy a taste of this holiday favorite.

Ingredients: 4 cups of soy, rice or almond milk 1 tablespoon sugar 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon 1/2 cup of rum (Optional) Utensils: Small pan Spoon or whisk Measuring cup Measuring spoons 1.

Place the pan on a stove and mix together the milk, sugar, nutmeg and cinnamon in the small pan above medium heat using the spoon or whisk.

2.

When ingredients are well mixed, remove from heat and serve warm or place in the refrigerator to serve cold.

3.

Add more nutmeg, sugar and cinnamon as needed.

4.

If using rum, wait until the drink has cooled down to mix in. Add more liquor as needed.

To make the drink sweeter, vanilla can be added in, or vanillaflavored soy, rice or almond milk can be used as opposed to plain milk.

LIFESTYLE & EVENTS

Urban Dictionary defines a college student as a person who is “poor, procrastinates a lot, and somehow manages to succeed in completing a neverending pile of homework”. This article elaborates the “poor” aspect of almost every college student’s life.

Christmas is a beautiful holiday, don’t get me wrong, but it puts a lot of pressure on everyone.

It is a holiday associated with religion, reindeer, and presents — emphasize on the presents.

Now, for struggling college students like ourselves, this is where we must decide between giving someone we love a gift they really wanted or paying our rent for the month. After reading this article, hopefully you can do both without taking out a temporary loan. Here are 8 Christmas gifts that won’t leave you homeless, present-less, or penniless: 1. Christmas Decorations - They are easy to make and have longevity because they can be used every year after. We all remember being children and making wreaths with a wire hanger and plastic bags, ornaments that we filled with glitter guts, and Popsicle sticks used to make a frame with our picture inside. We’re just as broke now as we were when we were 10, so here are some DIY Christmas decorations:

Ornaments: http://goo.gl/PQLdO Wreaths: http://goo.gl/RS2rC Cost: Depending on how intricate you get, you can spend as little as $5 to as much as $30.

2. A picture frame with your picture, or you and your siblings, or you and your dog — you get the idea. This is a great gift for any member of the family because they definitely miss you when you’re gone, so this is a nice little keepsake from you to them.

All you have to do is buy a picture frame ($10, Target) and print a photo from your Facebook to Walgreens ($.15) and voila! Your mother sheds tears of joy for the low cost of $10.15 and about 5 minutes of manual labor.

3. This wool poncho tote is sure to be a hit with your best friend, girlfriend, or sister, depending on their personality, and this can be done with any poncho print of your choice. You’ll need a poncho ($20, Macy’s) and a woven belt ($3 at a thrift store). You’ll also need some sewing machine skills, but this DIY blog walks you through how to make it: http://goo.gl/RfG69 4. Getting your dad a gift is always the hardest part, right? Nobody wants to be

the offspring that gets a tie or wallet every year. Instead, maybe get your dad a subscription to his favorite magazine. It’s a gift that will come every month to remind him who his favorite child is.

Through Amazon: Sports Illustrated: $39/year Rolling Stone: $19.97/year GQ: $19.98/year Men’s Health: $24.94/year You can also get a subscription for any other member of the family you can’t figure out the perfect gift for.

I plan on subscribing my grandma to Better Homes and Gardens this Christmas.

5. Another gift that is sure to tug at the strings of your dad’s (or grandpa’s) heart strings is Justin Halpern’s novel, Sh*t My Dad Says.

Pair that with a reading light and a new pair of slippers, and your dad (or grandpa) is in for a relaxing night, courtesy of you.

Book: $9.40, Amazon Book Light: $7.98, Amazon Slippers: $9.87, Wal-Mart 6. Another gift for the entire family to enjoy is a magnetic Scrabble board. This craft will take a little more time (an hour or so) and a little more money (Sheet metal, $7, 1 piece of thin plywood, $15 and a Liquid Nails glue, $5). It can be a combined gift for both mom and dad though, so keep that in mind!

Visit http://goo.gl/s8dJm 7. Your grandma is the easiest woman you will ever have to shop for. Grandmas love anything their grandkiddies give ‘em, but don’t take advantage of this! Get her a personalized mug with all of her grandchildren’s names on it for her to enjoy her coffee out of every morning: http://goo.gl/mKOdl. You can get one for Grandma and Grandpa! Go the extra mile by including Starbucks coffee mix.

One customized mug: $9.71 8. When all else fails, there is always a $4 box of cake mix that can be bought and baked. If you wanna splurge on some red and green icing, you can make a Christmas landscape atop the cake. It’s a gift that can be given to your entire family to enjoy and they can’t say you didn’t contribute!

Wander the worlds of Pinterest for more DIY ideas!

Above all, the holidays are about spending time with those you love. The gifts will be lost, broken, and aged but love will always be there.

Happy holidays!

To some, Santa Claus is magical. He’s a giver of gifts and a fulfiller of dreams. To others, Santa Claus is a historical figure. He’s the creation of an author and an adaptation of the patron saint of children.

However one views Saint Nick, this fact will never change: Until recently, he was a smoker.

In Clement C. Moore’s “Twas the Night Before Christmas,” a single verse depicts Santa Claus smoking from a pipe. Since then, the reputation has stuck with the merry old man.

While he had been puffing since the poem’s original publication in 1823, earlier this year one woman helped Santa kick the nasty habit.

Pamela McColl, a Canadian independent publisher and an anti-smoking advocate, released a smoke-free version of the classic poem this September. Her edit, published by Grafton and Scratch, excludes illustrations of a smoking Santa. Additionally, the

following line has been removed: “The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, and the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath. “ According to McColl, the children of the world were her main motivation. In fact, as written on the book’s cover, it was “edited by Santa Claus for the benefit of children of the 21st century.”

McColl also mentioned in a press release that parents have been “ripping out specific pages to avoid children being exposed to the tobacco imagery” and have dealt with “children worrying about Santa’s health due to smoking.”

Lastly, McColl said she also felt there was a need for a nicotine-free Saint Nick after reading the Christmas letters of children with smoking parents. Often times these children would beg Santa Claus to help their parents quit the habit.

McColl’s feelings were supported by a recent

study by the United Kingdom Department of Health. One thousand children ages 7-13 with smoking parents were involved, and of these kids, 54% said their number one Christmas wish was that their parent or parents would give up smoking.

“Can you imagine how devastating it must be for a small child to write a letter to Santa saying, ‘Please help me get my parents to stop smoking,’ and then find out he smokes?” said McColl. “I mean, these poor children…”

While this version of “Twas the Night Before Christmas” has topped bestseller lists, smokefree Santa Claus is not without critics. Many people believe that McColl’s work is harmful to the literary and historic value of Santa Claus.

Gillen Wood, professor of English at the University of Illinois, said it is “a shame” to see “Twas the Night Before Christmas” edited in such a way.

“I think it’s kind of ridiculous,” Wood said. “It underestimates the ability of even children to process and understand the relative importance of images and words or lines in a poem.”

In his opinion, McColl’s work is a product of censorship.

“If they take the pipe and the smoking Santa from that version, then you have to take it from Frosty the Snowman,” said Wood. “What’s he going to have instead?

A yoga mat instead of a corncob pipe?”

Additionally, Wood said changes to the poem dilute American history.

“It’s actually interesting to think of the image of Santa in ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas’ as a kind of borrowing of a photo from the old Dutch period of New York,” said Wood.

“Changing that shows a disregard of cultural history.”

Such criticism is not uncommon, but Mc-

Coll does not regret her work.

ple remain indifferent towards the edit.

“You have to believe in what you do,” said McColl. “I think some people forget this is about the children, and at the end of the day, I will continue to protect the children.”

Sarah Dixon, senior in LAS, said she never even noticed the line or images in question.

In her opinion, what she has done is not censorship.

“Censorship is a word that you use when something’s been legislated and banned and burned, and nobody is doing that,” said McColl.

“We’re just offering a choice to parents.”

McColl added that Santa is not a historical figure to the audience that her edit targets.

“To a three year old, he’s a real guy coming down the chimney and smoking in their living room,” said McColl. “He’s a fictional character, not Winston Churchill.”

While there are extremists on each end of the spectrum, several peo-

“I can see why (smoking is) taken out,” Dixon said.

“Santa is a big deal and a lot of kids look up to him. They could see him smoking and maybe think it’s okay.”

But Dixon says she can see both sides of the argument.

“A parent could say, ‘I know Santa’s smoking here, and that’s his choice. However, we don’t do that and it’s bad for you because of this and this and this,’” said Dixon. “I don’t think that one line in a book is going to affect a child’s decision.”

Despite opposition and indifference, McColl said she is proud of her work.

“There’s nothing anyone can do about the fact that this got Santa to stop smoking.”

I

BY: TAYLOR ODISHO ndie folks around the world: Rejoice!

For Sufjan Stevens has released a follow-up to Songs for Christmas, Vols. 1-5 with Silver & Gold: Song For Christmas, Vols. 6-10. The new box set includes 59 tracks, along with holiday treats that include: A paper ornament, stickers, temporary tattoos, a poster and even an 80-page booklet that includes essays written by Stevens about the holidays.

If you play both volumes front-to-back, you have over 100 original Stevens songs to create the soundtrack of your holiday season.

On the surface, it seems that Stevens is an advocate of Christmas, maybe even a little obsessed with it. However, if you scratch the surface, you can see a lot more to the holiday compilation than what meets the eye. The stickers and tattoos include a panda in a Christmas sweater holding a human skull. The poster depicts a baby smoking a cigarhette with a lobster hand, a half-alien, half-human breastfeeding their alien offspring and Jesus on the phone with the word “DAD!” next to him.

The essays include a critique by Stevens on the Christmas tree and an essay by Pastor Thomas Vito Aiuto entitled “Advent & The End Times.” Pastor Thomas is the head of

MUSIC the Resurrection Presbyterian Church, also known as the Williamsburg Hipster Church.

The pastor and his wife have recorded an album on Stevens’s label, which may be why Stevens included his essay. The essay is essentially about the inevitability of death, which is not something that is usually included in a Christmas box set.

But enough about the spectacle that surrounds the music and back to the melodies.

Any listener that goes into this album expecting the same chords, instruments and compilation as every other Christmas album is sorely mistaken.

Stevens seems to make an effort to completely revamp Christmas classics like “Jingle Bells,” “We Wish You A Merry Christmas” and “Do You Hear What I Hear?”

In “Do You Hear What I Hear?” he compiles the song almost entirely electronically, which he does with a lot of the songs on the set, and it works.

I like that Stevens chose the classics to recreate as the most different from the original, and I’m sure there’s a reason to the madness that only Stevens knows.

He also keeps a lot of the other songs about the same but with an added twist, like “Let It Snow!,” “Have Your-

self A Merry Little Christmas,” “Holly Jolly Christmas” and “Silent Night.” One of my many favorite songs on the fourth volume, which is one of the best of the set, is Stevens’s original song “Mr. Frosty Man.” Stevens made an official music video for the song through a clay animation (or “claymation”).

Along with the classics, Stevens created about 15 original songs. One of his best original tracks has to be the 12-minute long, twisting song that is “Christmas Unicorn.”

The track includes lyrics that reflect what Stevens tried to say in his essays by singing, “I’m a mythical mess with a treasury chest; I’m a construct of your mind/Oh I’m hysterically American! I’ve a credit card on my wrist.” This song is obviously poking fun at this holiday that Stevens believes was made up and the American way of always have a credit card nearby. Stevens ends the song with a couplet from Joy Division’s “Love Will Tear Us Apart” by a chorus that sings, “Love: Love will tear us apart, again/Love: love will tear us apart, my friend.”

The more I listened to the songs’ construction and lyrics on Silver & Gold, the more I realized that the melodies themselves were also a spectacle and statement

from Stevens. He portrays these mixed feelings that we all feel around the holidays through his original songs and through his renditions of the classics. If anyone can remake Christmas classics that still bring the holiday jitters to your bones, while adding electronic chords, a macabre organ and eerie chorus, it can only be the pioneer of indie music, Sufjan Stevens.

If you like Sufjan Stevens’s renditions of holiday classics, here are a few more albums you may want to check out: Bright Eyes, “A Christmas Album” She and Him, “A Very She and Him Christmas” The Hotel Cafe, “Winter Songs” Target’s compilation Christmas album, “The Christmas Gig,” which includes tracks from Best Coast/Waaves, Coconut Records and Jenny O. Happy listening!

playlist

BY IMANI BROOKS

“Jingle Bell Rock” – Bobby Helms (1957)

You can’t deck the halls without good holiday music. While the original version of “Frosty the Snowman” may warm your grandparents’ hearts, this playlist is a little more hip and polished, while still allowing to recreate nostalgic moments of our lives.

Even if you didn’t learn this song from your elementary school’s music class, you were introduced to “Jingle Bell Rock” from the notorious talent show scene in “Mean “All I Want For Girls.” This holiday classic has been Christmas Is You” - around since 1957 (aka forever Mariah Carey (1994) ago) and still gets everyone in the holiday mood, young or old.

While MC’s ‘90s songs are always overplayed, this one is the worst.

Last winter I heard it play at least three times, on five channels, within the same hour. But on a positive note, I learned all of the words.

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” – Michael Buble (2011)

Michael Buble’s voice is perfect for the holidays. His mellow tones will melt the marshmallows floating in your hot chocolate. I don’t even need a cuddle buddy by a lit fireplace – just my snuggie.

“Let It Snow” – Boyz II Men (1993)

“8 Days of Christmas” – Destiny’s Child (2001) This was my childhood Christmas theme song. To me, it still beats out most recent Christmas songs with its updated 12 days of Christmas theme. And the gifts in the song were pretty awesome. Who wouldn’t want a diamond belly ring?

“Mistletoe” - Justin Bieber (2011)

This R&B classic brings romance to winter. It makes you want to go on ice-skating dates, roast chestnuts on an open fire and do all those other corny holiday traditions with your boo.

Teen girls (and guys in some cases) caught Bieber Fever when this song was released in 2011, imagining they were the ones be“This Christmas” – ing sang to, or even that they had Chris Brown (2007) a chance of being kissed under the mistletoe by Bieber himself.

Chris Brown’s remake of the original holiday song also served as “Last Christmas” – the holiday movie title that Brown Wham! (1984) starred in, along with Columbus Short and Lauren London. Brown’s sultry yet powerful vocals and effortless dance moves resemble the honorable peak of his career, This is the ultimate Christmas two years before he did a 1, 2 step break-up song. While other couon Rihanna’s face. ples are snuggling in the cold weather and catching snowflakes with their tongues, you can blast this song in your car without being judged.

By F. Amanda Tugade

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO?

Little tid-bits and commentary on your favorite, forgotten,“15-minutes of Fame” suckers.

Relient K

1.

– To refresh your memory, Relient K, self-proclaimed Christian, punk band came to mainstream around 2004. They had a few songs that were popular: “Be My Escape,” “Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been” and “Sadie Hawkins Dance.” With extensive research (ahem… thank you Wikipedia), they apparently have kept on truckin’— releasing albums but just haven’t really had a major hit or at least none that I’ve remembered. I feel like an indefinite hiatus is in order.

The click 5

2.

– So, I actually remember this band’s one-hit wonder “Just the Girl” that was played when TRL was around. I mean who could forget Brady Bunch’s Christopher Knight (Peter Brady) trying to play teacher to Even Stevens’ Christy Carlson Roman (Ren Stevens). The Click Five dressed as wannabe Beatles with suits, ties and those mushroombowled haircuts. However, their boyish good looks became overrated, and they were quickly diminished by hopeful pop singers Jesse McCartney and Ashlee Simpson. The band released its last album in 2010, TCV before calling a hiatus.

3.

LALAINE VERGARA-PARAS – Oh, don’t recognize the name? That’s because Lalaine was most remembered as Miranda, Lizzie McGuire’s

spunky Latina BF4L next to geeky, secretly horny-for-Lizzie, Gordo.

Yeah, Lalaine bailed on her best friends for “The Lizzie McGuire Movie,” and instead starred in her own movie “You Wish!” with Even Stevens’ buff, athletic best friend Alan “Twitty” played by A.J. Trauth. Lalaine released an album in 2003, Inside Story, which I’m sure did all right with pre-teens and was put on repeat on Radio Disney. In 2005, Lalaine apparently played in some indie, all-girl band called Vanity Theft. Then, she had some run-ins with meth, and now, she made a little appearance in “Easy A.” Next time you watch it, look out for her. It can be like a Where’s Waldo kind of thing.

By Daniel James Broderick

B

Seriously, what has happened to male musicians? Masculinity is apparently a bad thing with these kids. There are some good covers on this album (thankfully), but nothing that can save the entire steaming First off, Fearless Records pile of crap. Mayday Parade did a very should stop using the word “punk” in this series interesting reimagining of “Somebody That of shit they continually I Used to Know” by put out because it is Gotye. They did the not punk music. All of song justice, yet still these bands are megaemo. I have never heard gave it their own touch.

Breathe Carolina’s “Billie of any of these bands, Jean” turned out really and they make some of these pop hits simply good too, but Michael Jackson is still king. The unlistenable. I was other bands on this expecting some weird compilation should have screaming noises and some boys sounding like gone down the route girls, but I did not expect that the bands like The Maine, Mayday Parade this much. and Breathe Carolina oy, did I put myself through some torture listening to this thing. I really tried to leave my biases at the door and tried to be open about this, but it really did not help at all.

went. Instead they simply screamed throughout the entire song and made it completely unrecognizable, as well as disgustingly hard to listen to.

The Word Alive really sucked on the “Mercy” cover. It is one of those songs where you have to force yourself to listen. It was so bad that I actually remember the name of the band.

Overall, this album is definitely not something I would recommend.

But for those hardcore lovers of those skinny androgynous boys singing like girls and then growling like psycho killers in the same song, this music might be tolerable.

By yours truly Mandie

THE JEALOUS BITCH IN THE CORNER

Sometimes, I like to imagine myself as this beautiful, racially ambiguous video vixen, rollin’ with OGs, enjoyin’ the champagne life and the limelight. Like, I just want to be a reality star, you know? Fifteen minutes of fame, cameos in music videos and a million followers on Twitter? Yes, please. A bitch can dream, right?

Drake: (Chuckles) You know, that’s how I do. Did you miss me while I was gone?

Me (said in a sultry, bedroom voice): Drake, he’s talking about the rain. It’s raining really hard (slight sexual implication on hard), and we’re stuck (emphasis on stuck) in traffic.

Drake: Well, why didn’t you say something baby? I got money to blow, and I can make this traffic move with my creamy, smooth mulatto voice.

Me: Weezy, you don’t sound good. What’s wrong with your voice?

Lil’ Wayne: I always sound like I’m having an asthma attack. It’s what gives my raps that extra pussy-shit, you know.

Well, first off, I’d be wearing this skin tight, scarlet dress with Louis Vuitton sling backs. My hair would be luxuriously soft and long like my baby girl Nicole Scherzinger. Then several scenarios could ensue: If Kreayshawn and I had a phone convo with each other, it would go like this:

And Drizzy and Weezy look at me with their glossy eyes, as the haze from their laced cigars devoured us all. I’m flustered and a little drizzy dizzy. “Take a shot for me!” handing the two shots of patron, keeping the bottles out of Drake’s reach. And we’d get some pussyshit (whatever that means).

Me: Sup, Krey. Can you hear me bitch? (Clearly, this convo would be via mi telefono.).

Krey: Yea, gurl, I can hear you. Wanna go to McD’s or Arby’s cuz I’m starvin’?

Me: Gnarly, but I’m kinda feelin’ some breakfast food.

Gotta have my syrup.

Krey: Then, we can twerk it at the mall because muh lyfe just be blasé right meow, and I need me some twerkin time.

If I was sick and Rick Ross was my nurse, the convo would sound like this: (Why am I in the hospital you ask? The paparazzi and tabloid gossips have made me weary.).

Bitch \’bich\ —a desire to be brutally honest and obtain a defiant, unappealing attitude that is consequently and unfortunately misconstrued as a hormonal imbalance **Disclaimer#1: This article uses swear words. If you don’t like them, don’t read this**

And as we both hang up the phone, we’d just chuck up the deuces in the world and roll out.

If Lil’ Wayne, Drake and I were in a limo together, the convo would go like this: Lil’ Wayne: Shit, it’s drizzy drizzlin’ tonight. How the hell are we gon’ make it on time?

Me: Nurse? I need some assistance.

Rick Ross: http://goo.gl/cDGna Me: I’m cold.

Rick Ross: http://goo.gl/fHcdk Me: (He would hand me his enormous, fur white coat.). “Fur coats in the winter. Look like a polar bear.”

And he would spoon-feed me my food, and sing “You the boss; You the boss, ay.”

TURKEY BOWL

T

here is nothing better than playing football with your friends and family during the holidays. Something about turkey screams, “football” and “beating the snot out of people.” But before you hit the field, be sure to follow a few guidelines.

First off, dress warmly and wear layers.

There is always one person who decides to take the game to a whole new level and go all Dick Butkus during the friendly game of two-hand touch. Coats and sweaters will be like wearing pads on that gridiron.

If you pick teams, always pick the young guns. Old people tend to be useless unless they have a cannon for an arm or are a beast of an athlete. Get a snazzy name for the game, and even a trophy. Bragging rights are even better when you win the “2012 Seinfeld Bowl” and you get a picture of Kramer to stow on the mantle.

SPORTS

BY DANIEL JAMES BRODERICK Drink a lot! Everyone must be drunk, or else it is an illegal advantage for the sober ones. After every tackle, drink a beer or take a shot. Every reception, drink some spiked eggnog. Make an interception, and drink some peppermint schnapps. You get the idea.

Also do not be that person who is extremely stingy about rules. No one likes a jerk and we are not playing in the NFL here anyway; but do try to adhere to the rules. If there is a dispute about a call, I suggest wrestling Greco-Roman style or drink for it. Whoever finishes the drink first gets the call in their favor.

Finally, go all out! Even have a draft and keep stats – it will only add to the fun. Eat, drink, be merry, don’t be a dick-monger and play football.

THE NBA PRESENTS: PRESENTS

What do you want for Christmas? No one cares. But what if you had access to the Christmas lists of the NBA’s biggest stars?

James Harden/Anthony Davis - Fully Operational Body Fusing Machine Harden and Davis have a beard and a unibrow that rival the Dos Equis man and Frida Kahlo, respectively. Naturally, they want nothing more than the ability to combine their bodies into one godlike figure. Together, they will play the new position of Shooting Center and dominate the league with the help of their horrifically beautiful doubleface entirely covered in hair. They’ll also get to star in the Pre-Prequel to Planet of the Apes. Maybe it’ll be called The Beginning of the Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

LeBron James - New Trophy Case It makes sense for him to plan ahead.

He’s going to need a place to put his 2013 and 2014 MVP and Championship trophies.

Brian Scalabrine - The Dark Knight Trilogy (on Blu-ray) Good ole Scal has already won a championship. I know, that’s hard to believe. He’s moved on from basketball to more important things, like trying to figure out why anyone still lives in Gotham. In the last decade alone, Gotham has been poisoned by insanity gas, had its public officials either assassinated or turned into murderers themselves, had its hospital blown up and had itself taken hostage for months before coming seconds away from nuclear annihilation. Residents

By Scott Gantner

of Gotham would be better off moving to Detroit. Also, he still hopes Christopher Nolan will make a fourth Batman. Maybe it could feature a new villain: THE WHITE MAMBA. Tim Duncan - A Translator He’s been in the league for 15 years. He must be exhausted from all the non-stop translating he has to do for the nonAmericans on the Spurs. He has to speak Spanish to Manu Ginobili, French to Tony Parker and Indiana-Tongue to Gregg Popovich. It’s impossible to keep it all straight.

Andray Blatche - A Triple-Double Do yourself a favor. Go to YouTube and watch “Andray Blatche - The Man Who Just Wanted A Triple-Double” The video breaks down all the unbelievably desperate attempts he made to get a triple double.

On one fateful night, he found himself with 20 points, 13 assists, and 9 rebounds, with only 32.1 seconds left to get one more rebound. I don’t want to spoil the video, so I’ll just say that he earns an A for effort.

Copyright Š JAMS, University of Illinois