The Strand | Volume 61, Issue 12

the

STRAND VICTORIA UNIVERSITY’S STUDENT NEWSPAPER VOLUME 61, ISSUE 12 | 2 APRIL 2019

Horny in Hogwarts: self-insert fanfiction arts | page 13

Eat my dick: a recipe

stranded | page 14

Review: Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse arts | page 12

02 NUDES

EDITOR | LEO MORGENSTERN NEWS@THESTRAND.CA

Does Doug Ford fuck?

Like many men, he doesn’t know what the clitoris is!

KEISHA MAY-ASH FOORDUH EDITORIAL ASSISTANT

I’ve done a lot of dumb and embarrassing things during my 21 years of existing, but I can at least say that I did not vote for Doug Ford to be the 26th premier of Ontario, nor will I ever support him or the conservative government (a big FUCK YOU to everyone who voted for this truly nasty man). As his father, Doug Ford Sr., was a member of provincial parliament in the 1990s, and his younger brother, Rob Ford, was the mayor of Toronto from 2010-2014 and beat Doug in the electoral race for that same year, he is likely more than accustomed to being a wallflower in both his personal life and his political career. As the validation and praise he likely desired from his father was placed on Rob, who was successful at a much younger age, there is no doubt that Doug Ford has some insecurities—the biggest likely being that he does not in fact currently fuck, nor has he ever fucked.* Ford’s insecurities about his sexual history are reflected in his political decisions; he tells us that he’s a virgin without ever really saying it.

While Doug Ford is a man whose entire career is essentially made on the basis of fucking over other people, primarily marginalized and vulnerable communities and individuals, we do not know if he himself does in fact engage in the act of sex. To label the current premier of Ontario as a virgin when he himself has not publicly claimed to be one may seem like a bold move.

However, through my thorough investigation, I have found that it is likely the case that such a statement is true. To quote my grade seven French teacher, “The proof is in the pudding,” and like Shakira’s hips, this pudding right here doesn’t lie.

One of Ford’s first acts as premier was to roll back the current 2015 health curriculum to the 1998 version.

Ford’s reasoning for this is that the newer curriculum was “inappropriate” as it discussed LGBTQ2S+ relationships, gender identity, consent, masturbation, and STIs. All of these subjects are a normal part of understanding and participating in your own sexual identity and sexuality, so what makes them sooo inappropriate?

It is likely that Ford just doesn’t know what any of these subjects are actually about since he does not fuck. He’s concerned about the youth having a good sexual education, and his petty ass is worried that they’ll fuck more than he ever will—that’s why he is worsening their curriculum. Knowledge, something Ford likely lacks, is powerful; to take away the access to such topics is to take away the right that children have to understanding how their bodies and sexualities work. Since Ford was born in 1964, his sexual education was presumably much worse than the 1998 curriculum. He knows that the youth will be too powerful knowing about their bodies; their understanding of autonomy puts his politics at risk. Confused by sex-focused terms that he has never heard before, and insecure about the fact that teenagers are fucking while he, a grown man, is not, he decided to fuck over their education.

Ford claims to “be married” and “have kids,” which he may believe subtly tells people, “Yeah, I definitely fuck,” but I’m not convinced. He says that he “has”

PLEASE FORGIVE THE QUALITY OF THIS PHOTO, WE DID NOT WANT TO SUBJECT OUR READERS TO A HIGHER QUALITY PHOTO OF DOUG FORD

four children, Kayla, Kyla, Krista, and Kara, with his wife Karla. First, I just want to point out that the only person who would name their “daughters” after variations of one another’s name and their mother’s name is a man who is trying to hide something, a man who is living a double life, a man who does not fuck. I know we white people give our babies names that sound like straight-up buffoonery, but this is another level of white people acting wack. It sounds like Ford was asked about his personal life in an interview, and unwilling to admit that his is a virgin, he tried to make as many alterations to his wife’s name, likely the only woman to ever hold a conversation that was longer than ten minutes with him, to prove to the public, and his family, that he has in fact had sex.

In December of 2018, we saw Ford cut all provincial funding to the Ontario College of Midwives, which had received government support for the last 25 years. The college works as a regulatory body to supervise more than 900 midwives who deliver roughly 15 percent of the children born in Ontario. As many of us know, Ford loves to fuck up the more traditional health support and make it inaccessible for many, but to fuck with the midwives seems more personal. A midwife’s job is to provide care to pregnant people and their new-

borns throughout their pregnancy, labour, birth and the first few weeks after. Mad that he has never been in a position where he could impregnate someone, where he could have a midwife look after the person bearing his offspring, Ford said “fuck you” to midwives as they help with the after-fuck product. Since he can’t get rid of all health professionals, he obviously thought it would be best to defund those who are most familiar with sex. In an act of jealousy, he is trying to get rid of those who are closest to the pussy as he has yet to discover it.

To cut funding for student journalism is, for Ford, to ensure that real questions (like “is our premier a virgin?”) remain unanswered. To prohibit students from exposing and being critical of those in power is to guarantee that stories that would often be uncovered stay silenced. Doug Ford is a sad old man who has likely never orgasmed and places his distaste for his own life onto others, and with that I say “fuck off, Ford” and “fuck you, everyone who supports him.” *This article and the writer have no issues with virgins or people who may not be into fucking, I support y’all and your choices, I’m not shaming y’all just talking shit about Doug Ford because he’s an evil person

Surprise: it’s poo!

So much poo GOOPY SKINNER ASSOCIATE DEAN

Poo (Picture)

More poo (Picture)

Wet poo (Picture)

Corn poo (Picture)

My poo (surprise!)

(Picture)

NUDES 03

@STRANDPAPER THE STRAND | 2 APRIL 2019

FUCK Flat Stanley

It’s fucking time we spoke up about the biggest threat to national security BORBIN CLUE PROFESSIONAL CORBIN BLEU IMPERSONATOR

If you know who I am at all, then you know that Flat Stanley is my Number 1 Enemy. If you don’t know me, then I’m telling you to look deep inside yourself to see the fear we all carry. The fear of a two-dimensional madman who CANNOT be stopped.

Firstly: this boy didn’t receive his powers by being a Goody Two-Shoes like Captain America—no, he did it by being squashed by a bulletin board. By liking Flat Stanley,

we are supporting unsafe living standards. What kind of parents put an unsecured bulletin board in a child’s room? What kind of child needs a bulletin board? Does he use it to connect grainy images of previous targets with yarn, as a war criminal is wont to do?

On top of this shady behaviour, have you ever thought about how this panini-pressed idiot can slide into any room?

He can just enter at will. How can we have privacy with this immoral dickwad slithering in and out of our rooms, our houses, and our lives? And how do you propose that we contain this Peeping Tom, whom no jail bars can contain? Even if the police manage to detain him, he can Cha-Cha Slide

right out between the bars. This is why he should be considered a menace to society. What kind of man should be allowed to escape the iron fist of the Law? Lastly, I don’t have to say this, but Flat Stanley is just a weirdo. He got inflated by his dad. My good people, you’ve been living your lives believing that Flat Stanley is not an abomination. As an experienced lawyer and scientist, I have collected more than enough evidence to show that this guy straight-up sucks. “He’s just a kid!” you might say, as you dial your nearest sanatorium. But if you can’t admit that this boy could be a threat to every check and balance our society has developed, you’re the crazy one. Fuck Flat Stanley.

Organ of the week: the G-Spot

If you would like to help me find my G-Spot, send your pitches to science@thestrand.ca

This might be a picture of my balls but you’ll never know Haha you just looked at my balls (maybe) LEE MORGENSTEN AMATEUR CORBIN BLEU IMPERSONATOR

04 #D!%OR!@L

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF | LEO MORGENSTERN AND LEO MORGENSTERN EDITOR@THESTRAND.CA

Letter from the editors

the

strand V O L U M E

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF

Dear reader,

6 1

We are constantly fucking even when we are not technically fucking. Fucking will never hold the same meaning for any two people—each fuck is coloured by our own experiences and interpretations. Each thrust and every moan is different.

AINSLEY DOELL SABRINA PAPAS

editor@thestrand.ca

The Fuck Issue features so much fucking across cultures, languages, and experiences. One writer implores you to eat his dick, while another pens a personal essay about creating yourself through fucking, while another reflects on her relationship with fucking and the difficulty of fucking outside. In between, we have fucking, fucking, and so much more fucking.

BUSINESS MANAGER

business@thestrand.ca

MISHAIL ADEEL

NEWS

news@thestrand.ca

NICHOLAS FREER

A special thanks, once again, to our incredible team for offering their time and expertise to ensure that our final issue is the best that it can be. Thank you to Leo, for your dedication to fucking and for all of the weekends that you have spent fucking in the office. Thank you to Leo, for the enthusiasm that you continue to share with each sexual partner. Thank you to Leo, for the thought and care you put into each fuck. And finally, thank you to all of our contributors, illustrators, copyeditors, and Leo, for your support and passionate fucking over the last nine months.

OPINIONS

opinions@thestrand.ca

GEORGIA LIN

FEATURES

features@thestrand.ca

REBECCA GAO

SCIENCE

science@thestrand.ca

TANUJ ASH KUMAR

We also want to wish Rebecca Gao, The Strand’s incoming Editor-in-Chief for Volume 62, a big congratulations and a great year of fucking!

ARTS AND CULTURE

artsandculture@thestrand.ca HARRISON WADE STRANDED

stranded@thestrand.ca

Fuck you all,

LEO MORGENSTERN

COPY EDITING

copy@thestrand.ca

Ainsley and Sabrina Editors-in-Chief

TAMARA FROOMAN

DESIGN

design@thestrand.ca

JAY BAWAR

PHOTO

photo@thestrand.ca

HANA NIKCEVIC

ART

art@thestrand.ca

MIA CARNEVALE

WEB

web@thestrand.ca

ERIC MCGARRY

VIDEO

ANNIKA HOCIENIEC SONYA ROMA

video@thestrand.ca PODCAST

strandcast@thestrand.ca

SAMANTHA GRECO JASMINE NG

SOCIAL MEDIA

NATE CROCKER

EDITORIAL ASSISTANTS

MIRANDA CARROLL SANDY FORSYTH NOAH KELLY AMELIA MARTINEZ-WHITE ABBIE MOSER CONTRIBUTORS

TOPHER BROCK, ASHLEY CHEUNG, BORBIN CLUE, ALISA

DI BAUTISTA, ELLEN GRACE, ACTON KERREC, ERYN KLINE,

KEISHA MAY-ASH FOORDUH, BLAZER MCDALLAS, LEE MORGENSTEN, MAX NISBETH, LINDSAY O'LEEL, T.W. PENRYN, ISAAC PILOZO, NORBERT REMY THISTLE, LESLIE ROPE,

JAMIE SCOOTER, GOOPY SKINNER, DON TRUCK COPY EDITORS ALYSSA DIBATTISTA, ARIN KLEIN DESIGN TEAM REBECCA GAO, SABRINA PAPAS ILLUSTRATIONS

BECKY GU, AINSLEY DOELL, SAI MACIKUNAS, LEO MORGENSTERN PHOTOS CLASSFIND.COM, THE VARSITY, LEO MORGENSTERN COVER ILLUSTRATION AINSLEY DOELL, TAMARA FROOMAN

The Strand has been the newspaper of record for Victoria University since 1953. It is published 12 times a year with a circulation of 1200 and is distributed in Victoria University buildings and across the University of Toronto’s St. George campus.

The Strand flagrantly enjoys its editorial autonomy and is committed to acting as an agent of constructive social change. As such, we will not publish material deemed to exhibit racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, or other oppressive language.

The Strand is a proud member of the Canadian University Press (CUP).

Our offices are located at 150 Charles St. W., Toronto, ON, M5S 1K9. Please direct enquiries by email to editor@thestrand.ca. Submissions are welcome and may be edited for taste, brevity, and legality.

FOLLOW US @STRANDPAPER ILLUSTRATIONS

WWW.THESTRAND.CA

| AINSLEY DOELL

O#!%!ON$ 05

EDITOR | LEO MORGENSTERN OPINIONS@THESTRAND.CA

A fuck you to one specific door in Sidney Smith Hall ELLEN GRACE STUDENT JOURNALIST

There’s this one door in Sid Smith that I really hate. Fuck that door. I’m not going to name the door in question for sake of the door’s privacy, but let’s just say there are 1,078 reasons not to like it.

So this door. It sucks. We have to keep it closed because no one at this godforsaken institution knows how to be quiet ever. Basically when you close it it “seems” like it’s closed for a second and you’re like ok, this is great! This time I won’t have to make a fool of myself! But it never truly closes, so you’re standing there about to go back to your seat and then it opens again. So you get back up and pull as hard as you can, and to no avail, it will not close. Then all your classmates have to get up and try to close it as well, and it disrupts everything, and this has to happen every time someone leaves.

You know how on planes they warn people sitting next to the emergency exits that they must be able to push the exits open in case of emergency?

Anyone taking a class in that room should get a similar warning before enrolling.

So, when I leave class to go buy a dry biscotti from Second Cup, everyone notices, including probably the prof, which is really not something I’m comfortable with. You’re probably thinking, Ellen Grace, stop buying dry biscotti from Second Cup, it’s like three dollars, and it’s not good. But I can’t. I really can’t. I started and I can’t stop. I’m a woman of commitment.

I asked two of my classmates, Julia* and Katie*, for their opinion on the subject, so that the door has fair and equal rights in its portrayal.

PHOTO

What is your opinion on this door (off the record)?

Katie: I kind of like knowing that there’s no risk of getting locked in the room by fluke accident because no one would ever be able to close the door anyway.

Julia: It’s just the worst fucking door. I think it’s on purpose because the university doesn’t want us to go out. They want us to stay in forever.

Julia: I guess I would say it’s godforsaken. Does that mean that god just doesn’t want to deal with it anymore? That’s probably not funny.

Me: I don’t know.

Do you think if God tried to close this door he would be able to?

Me: Thank you for your input my friends. Your words are helping to build a new nation.

Katie: See my previous comment.

Also while I’m at it, fuck you to the guys who sit behind me in that class and talk the whole time.

It’s a small class, everyone can hear you, and you’re never even talking about anything relevant to the course. One time you talked about what should/ shouldn’t be on a charcuterie board for like half an hour. I don’t care! Is this the right time to ask your bro if he’s heard the recent news about Krispy Kreme*? No! I have heard that news, but you know what I haven’t heard? What the prof is saying!!!

Fuck you!!!!!!!

Katie: It’s classic Sid Smith. Not only is it ugly, it also just doesn’t work. I don’t really use it, but when other kids are going back and forth during class and struggling with that door it’s embarrassing to watch. How many UofT students can it possibly take to close a door?

Julia: Ya.

| THE VARSITY

Me: No.

Katie: There are no windows in that classroom. Sid Smith floats in the void. God isn’t there.

Do you think when God closes a door he opens a window?

PHOTO

Should I try to be funny?

Julia: I’m pretty sure there’s a Renée Zellweger movie where they’re in Minnesota and her nipples are hard the whole time. The crux of the scene is that she’s wearing a full bra and she’s at the dinner table and it’s that cold. She stays in the bathroom and like tries to put them down. You should try to figure out what that movie is called. It’s good. It’s not good but it’s funny. Unintentionally so. Is that funny? Why are you writing this down?

What is your opinion on this door (on the record)?

Julia: It’s just the worst and I don’t pee anymore because I don’t want to deal with trying to open and close the door. I have enough issues as it is without struggling with the door for three minutes.

| CLASSFIND.COM

Julia: I don’t know. Yes ’cause he’s boundless?

*Names have not been changed. **Photos unrelated.

06 O#!%!ON$

EDITOR | LEO MORGENSTERN OPINIONS@THESTRAND.CA

Fuck, dude, your foot should not look like that Seriously that’s fucked up

PHOTO

| LEO MORGENSTERN

How to be a good dad when your kid is such a little fuck

The Strand’s weekly parenting column T.W. PENRYN PARENT

Being a single parent can be pretty tough. You might remember from this column last week that I complained about how all the glass in my house was miss-

ing, including the windows. Well this week I found out where the glass went. My son Jucco broke all the glass in the house and hid it under his bed. After I read him his bedtime story, he said he was scared there was a monster under the bed. I, being the antimonster father I am, laid down on my stomach and

checked under the bed and got my hands and my face all torn up by the glass. While I was nursing my wounds, Jucco made himself Nesquik and then he was up all night! What a little fuck. Anyways, that’s Jucco for you, but you already knew that. Haha. 'Til next week.

O#!%!ON$ 07

@STRANDPAPER THE STRAND | 2 APRIL 2019

Fuck you if you aren’t a troop The troops are goddamn heroes and what the fuck are you?

DON TRUCK MAN OF THE PEOPLE

You’d better be fucking standing up right now because you’re in the presence of a true American hero.

Do I know his name? No. Does it fucking matter?

No. This man has more value in his pinky toe than you ever will. Seriously, I don’t know how people like you even live with yourselves knowing that real men like this exist. This man could cuck me and I would

say thank you. I haven’t stopped clapping since I saw this photo and my hands are sore but I don’t even care. Now please join me in singing the National Anthem of these United States of America.

Oh, say, can you see By the dawn’s early light What so proudly we hailed At the twilight’s last gleaming?

Whose broad stripes and bright stars Through the perilous fight O’er the ramparts we watched, Were so gallantly streaming?

And the rocket’s red glare The bombs bursting in air Gave proof through the night That our flag was still there O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave

Fuck you if you didn’t sing along.

If you find this article aggravating you should be a copy editor for the “Strand” next year “Are you fucking kidding me with this dangling modifier!?”

ERYN KLINE AND ALISA DI BAUTISTA COPY-EDITORS

Upon arriving at U of T in first-year, the Strand seemed like a good option for an extra curricular activity. Some people might want to be on student counsel to “positively effect student’s experience” or whatever the fuck, but we were FUCKING TIRED of seeing not only grammatical errors but also noticing style inconsistencies in ‘The Strand’.

Subsequent to our DM’s attempting to join as copyeditors being ignored for 2 years (seriously check your fucking E-mail). We finally got the chance this year fix this shit. Owing to the fact that the small proportion of qualified copy editors on the team means that the only copy-editors are ourselves, sometimes it’s really fucking hard to make sure no errors get threw, the masthead sometimes add errors in the process. As they are members of the goddamn masthead, we expect them to actu-

ally be trustworthy. Check the fucking style guide KYLE! We never have and never will use the American spelling for “colour!”

Don’t even get us started on motherfucking punctuation. One time we found no less then fifteen errors in one article. We have never drank as much as we did that night ...trying to drown our sorrows. If we worry about being to harsh in our corrections, we just say—“fuck it”, and we speak are minds. We often write WTF in the comments, when we find an unclear pronoun reference or a squinting modifier. And copyediting the Stranded sections are even harder because those comedians like to forego all grammar and punctuation rules and do whatever they fuck they want. Oh, and same for the fucking poets in the magazine. Tossing commas everywhere when there should of been semi colons. And what’s all this business with artistic sentence fragments. Go fuck yourselves!

Without further adieu, we should pay our com-

plements to Tamira Frooomen, whose a pretty good Senior copy editor but what kind of asshole thinks that a possessive for a name ending in ‘s’ SHOULD HAVE A FUCKING APOSTROPHE S AFTER IT! WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK! IT’S JAMES’S!!!! FUCK YOU!* WHAT WOULD JESUS’S DO !?

So, anyways you should really join The Strand next year to help with editing, it’s a very unique job, on account of we are both graduating. To bigger horizons. Hopefully endeavoring to be real copy—editors, but we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it. For now we have senioristis and we are yelling a big fuck you to any writers who’s ever wronged us. But at least we got the added bonus of free sweaters.

Well, in this day in age, life isn’t always a bowl of chile! Fuck it!

We bid you ado!

08 FEATURES

EDITOR | LEO MORGENSTERN FEATURES@THESTRAND.CA

Three new ways to make love Ha! You thought we were going to say "fuck," didn't you?

BLAZER MCDALLAS PULITZER PRIZE-WINNING DOCTOR, LAWYER, AND LOVEMAKER (WITH PERFECT TEETH)

Boiled Hot Dogs Step one: Place a hot water bottle on your pussy (or bussy) until it reaches an internal temperature of 40° Celsius.

Step two: While your pussy (or bussy) is warming, use oven mitts to rub your partner’s penis until it is full erect.

Step three: Remove the hot water bottle from your pussy (or bussy) and place your partner’s penis inside. Be careful, it’s hot! ;)

Whack-a-Mole Step one: Either in the forest or at a pet store, find a mole the approximate size of your pussy (or bussy).

Step two: Go home and place the mole inside your pussy (or bussy). Make sure it doesn’t bite you!

Step three: Grab hold of your partner’s penis and use it to whack the mole on the head every time it tries to escape your pussy (or bussy). See if you can get a score of ten before the clock runs out!

Makin’ Butter Step one: Fill your pussy (or bussy) with heavy cream, preferably straight from the cow.

Step two: Use your partner’s penis as a churn-staff to churn that cream in your pussy (or bussy) into thick, delicious butter.

Step three: Lightly sprinkle with salt, and enjoy!

@STRANDPAPER THE STRAND | 2 APRIL 2019

FEATURES 09

Cut out this page and use it as a toilet seat cover!

Fuck it, we know nobody actually reads The Strand, might as well put this paper to good use before it ultimately gets recycled.

10 SC!#%@!E

EDITOR | LEO MORGENSTERN SCIENCE@THESTRAND.CA

These animals fuck better than you You dumb virgin JAMIE SCOOTER ZOOLOGIST

Giraffes: These megafauna motherfuckers are rad as hell. Males will mate with males and females mount one another for kicks. Heterosexual mating only matters for the production of offspring. You can’t NOT appreciate a species of freewheeling bisexuals! In the case of male-female sex, the male will headbutt the female to make her pee. He’ll drink that pee (kinky!) to see if she’s fertile, which is every two weeks. That isn’t an indication that they’ll have sex, though: if the male is too insistent and the female isn’t feeling it, she’ll just walk away. What a queen. Learn from the giraffes: piss on your boyfriend and leave him if he’s too pushy.

Flatworms: Flatworms are hermaphrodites. When they encounter one another, they decide who carries the offspring via penis fencing (God! When will humans catch up!). They try to stab one another with their double-pronged penises and inseminate the other first. The battle can leave flatworms riddled with holes. A lesson from the flatworms: don’t let penis-owners boss you around! Stab them first!

Yeast: These undergo asexual reproduction, which is still better than anything you can muster. Bitch.

Dragonflies: Female dragonflies will often feign death to avoid males by suddenly dropping to the ground and lying prone. We know they’re only faking because they get right back up again when the stupid males leave. This pretend-death usually happens when the female has already copulated and laid her eggs. It makes sense that she wouldn’t want to be pounced on by a frat of latecomer males.

Take a page out of the dragonfly’s book: don’t fake an orgasm, fake your death! Request an obituary from The Strand!

Praying Mantis: The female praying mantis is often discussed for biting off her mate’s head during or after intercourse. However, this is a rarer activity than it is made to seem! In fact, the female only eats her mate if she’s hungry or he annoys her, which is perfectly valid. Give this a try when you’re hangry or when a fuckboy comes at you with his unimaginative grindy dance moves!

Bonobos: Whenever there is tension among female bonobos, they rub their genitals on one another’s to relieve it. Males will often do the same with other males, and can engage in what is called “penis fencing” (no need for further explanation!). Bonobos live in a matriarchal society, and females have sex even when they aren’t fertile, which decreases male-male competition. Females actually mate with so many males that none of them can tell who the offspring belong to! Females can also be violent towards males, biting off fingers and the tips of penises.

Your Mom: lol E. coli: Yeah, yeah, talk about “gametes” and how “no new organism is created” all you want. But two bacteria really do connect to share genetic information via a pilus, a surface appendage, which I can and WILL call a micro-penis. Later, haters.

@$%$ AND C!#&%%E 11

@STRANDPAPER THE STRAND | 2 APRIL 2019

Fuck Who? Fuck YOU: a close-reading of CeeLo Green’s 2010 smash hit ISAAC PILOZO CLOSE READER

It’s an understatement to say that CeeLo Green had all of us shaking to our core when he released his iconic 2010 bop “Fuck You!” I was a very gay fifth grader, and the most scandalous lyrics I had ever heard were “I wanna take a ride on your disco stick” off of my deluxe two-disc edition of Lady Gaga’s The Fame Monster. But enough of the Gaga sentimentality. I thought I’d take a trip down memory lane and close read the fuck out of “Fuck You!” “Fuck You!” by CeeLo Green See you driving ’round town With the girl I love and I’m like Fuck you Can’t relate to this blatant depiction of heterosexuality but can relate to the experience of unrequited love! (Yikes.)

Yeah I’m sorry, I can’t afford a Ferrari But that don’t mean I can’t get you there I guess he’s an Xbox, and I’m more Atari

But the way you play your game ain’t fair As a uni student living in Toronto, I definitely can relate, and I emphasize that the financial struggle is REAL. I also really like the use of game consoles to represent that love is a game (Gaga is quivering) and that his heart is being played. Although he’s trying to downplay the Atari by representing himself as something that is old and outdated, I would argue that the classic games from this console provide an invaluable timelessness and sense of nostalgia that can’t be replicated through the conventional Xbox console. CeeLo, you’re doing great, sweetie.

And although there’s pain in my chest I still wish you the best with a Fuck you We love an endlessly supportive king! I can really feel his heartache in this chorus, but like, pain in the chest is not good and I hope he sought medical attention!

I think it’s safe to say that CeeLo Green is the song-writing king of heartache and spite we don’t deserve. I don’t know where he is now, but honestly, he deserves the world (and a really big hug). And to whoever did him dirty like that, FUCK YOU!!!

Citation: Green, CeeLo. “Fuck You.” The Lady Killer, The Smeezingtons, 19 August

Joni Mitchell: a footnote to my fucking ACTON KERREC GRINDR USER

According to The New York Times, Joni Mitchell is “a songwriter and singer of genius who can’t help but make us feel we are not alone.” When I heard her music for the first time at 15, it was precisely this quality that drew me to her. With Joni, I wasn’t alone in my feelings. So naturally, when I was 17 and didn’t want to be alone in my bed, I downloaded Grindr and used Joni Mitchell lyrics in my bio. For some reason, this stuck, and my bio is (and always has been) Joni Mitchell lyrics. I like to switch them up every year or so: “we are stardust,” “too busy being free,” “I’m sending out this signal here,” “where in the city could this boy be?”

This got me thinking that whenever I message someone on Grindr, they are confronted with Canadian music icon, Joni Mitchell. Her lyrics, in this sense, encode each of my hookups. Whether or not my partners are aware, Joni Mitchell is there— a spectre, a muse, a footnote in the history of our sex.

I would guess that most of the men I sleep with are unaware of Joni’s presence. My casual sex partners are, however regretfully, usually closeted hyper-masc guys. They probably read these lyrics and think they are just sad-boi-Tumblr-fodder appropriated for Grindr. To clarify, I am not particularly drawn to this faction of the queer community; I just seem to have something they like. Maybe it’s Joni. Up until recently, I did not know.

Curious journalist that I am, however, I sought to find out. What follows is a record of my exchanges with a few of my sex partners surrounding this issue:

Exchange 1: DomTop4 [peach emoji] Me: Hey, I was just curious if you knew that my Grindr bio is a Joni Mitchell lyric.

If you did know, how has that affected our exchange? If this is news to you, how do you feel about Joni Mitchell’s allusive status in our sex?

DomTop4[peach emoji]: Shut up faggot. Can you host tonight? Need to be drained.

Exchange 2: SportyMascDiscrt Me: Hey, I was just curious if you knew that my Grindr bio is a Joni Mitchell lyric.

If you did know, how has that affected our exchange? If this is news to you, how do you feel about Joni Mitchell’s allusive status in our sex?

SportyMascDiscrt: What are you talking about? Don’t message me now. I’m with my girlfriend.

Exchange 3: BigMember [eggplant emoji] Me: Hey, I was just curious if you knew that my Grindr bio is a Joni Mitchell lyric.

If you did know, how has that affected our exchange? If this is news to you, how do you feel about Joni Mitchell’s allusive status in our sex?

BigMember[eggplant emoji]: Didn’t know. Don’t like her books, but watched Handmaid’s Tale.

Fuck you, Benjamin Button And you too, F. Scott Fitzgerald DR. ASHLEY CHEUNG, M.D. DOCTOR

Fuck you, Benjamin Button. You are gross and I do not give a shit about your fake ass medical condition. You too, F. Scott Fitzgerald, you have got a sick mind for coming up with and writing that shit, and you can go suck an egg. I mean really, a kid who ages in reverse?! That is some messed up bullshit. What’s going to happen when that wrinkly kid wants to have sex, huh, F. Scott? It is disgusting. Following the life of a baby sized wrinkly grape turned into a grown man baby, that is the stuff of nightmares, but it is labeled as a “Drama/Fantasy” on IMDB?! What kind of fantasy is a full-grown baby or a miniature geriatric freak? Fuck Benjamin Button and fuck everyone who likes him.

Hey F. Scott Fitzgerald, I am just wondering have you ever heard of progeria? Yeah, that’s right it is an extremely rare genetic disorder where symptoms of aging manifest at an early age. Is that a romantic plot line for you? No, it’s a life ending genetic disorder. Fuck you, F. Scott Fitzgerald for misrepresenting the disease that affects approximately 1 in 4-8 million children. In case you have not read or watched Benjamin Button (if you have not, good on you), his mom dies in childbirth. Fuck you, for killing your mom Ben. Then, shortly after, his father abandons him at a nursing home. In my opinion this is the one strong moment of the entire story. F. Scott Fitzgerald absolutely roasts this ugly little baby when his father deposits the wrinkly monster where he belongs: at a nursing home. Furthermore, the setting of a nursing home presents a wonderful word play. As a baby he would need to be nursed, but as a miniature elderly man, he most definitely needs a nurse. I’ll give you that one, F. Scott you sicko.

12 @#%$ AND C&@!$%!

EDITOR | LEO MORGENSTERN ARTSANDCULTURE@THESTRAND.CA

Review: Spider-Man: Into the SpiderVerse Not enough prostate milking

ILLUSTRATION (SPIDER-MAN HAND, NOT THE LIMP PENIS

NORBERT REMY THISTLE PROSTATE MILK ENTHUSIAST

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is a great movie, don’t get me wrong. It deserved every Oscar that came its way. But upon walking out of the theatre, I felt empty.

Something felt unresolved, but I just couldn’t put my finger in it. I looked deep into myself to try to find what was missing, and I saw the steamy sight that could

| LEO MORGENSTERN

fill the hole in my soul: Spider-prostate milking.

I mean, C’MON. There was an undeniable sexual tension between the Nick Cage–voiced Spider-Man Noir and the man-baby of a superhero Peter B. Parker.

I paid $16.99 to see a movie that doesn’t have a single spider-person wearing nothing but their mask? What is this, a PG children’s movie? They’re just going to disappear into separate dimensions and miss out on the op-

portunity to touch leathery, middle-aged spider-bodies?

Who doesn’t want to see two Spider-Men tie each other up in their sticky, sticky webs and have some fuck? I want—no, I need—to hear Nick Cage voice a superhero having his prostate milked by a declining divorcé(e) with burger grease–covered fingies. That would get MY spider senses tingling.

We were robbed of the steamiest sex scene since Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit.

What I learned giving up missionary for Lent LESLIE ROPE CONTRIBUTOR

The history of Lent details a purging of luxuries and egoisms through fasting and daily devotionals prior to the resurrection of Christ on Easter Sunday.

It lasts for 40 days (although this cumulative count sometimes reaches 46), respecting the 40 day fasting of Jesus Christ in the Judean Desert. However, for me, Lent was a tradition much like Christmas or Easter – something that much to my grandpa’s dismay I associated very little with religion.

Growing up I lived in two vastly different worlds. I heard stories of my father’s time as an altar boy, went to bible camp, wore a cross around my neck, dropped the toonie I had been holding in my sweaty palm into the collection plate and constantly listened to Dusty Springfield’s “Son of a Preacher Man.” The true granddaughter of an Anglican reverend. My mother often rolled her eyes when I returned from bible camp, singing songs in praise of the lord and all of his disciples. If anything she would identify as pagan and in retaliation for the secret baptism undertaken by my father’s family she planted my placenta under a tree, to later be mowed over by my godfather. I ignored the chaos of my religious mentoring instead always identifying as an atheist or when I chose not to engage in debate and

argument, agnostic. However, we all pick up tendencies from our upbringings and I was no exception.

Lent for me was like a second round of New Year’s resolutions. I figured that by March everyone had given up on their proposed veganism or daily physical activity and as such needed a new motivation.

This was at least true of my will power. I used lent as self-bettering platform, and each year gave up chocolate or sleeping-in or some other small happiness. I had never really considering this offer further until a few days before the 6th of March, this year’s Ash Wednesday.

The quizzical look my boyfriend presented me with upon our discussion of what I was going to give up for Lent this year (which was the usual dairy and eggs, as despite my understanding of their deleterious effects on the environment I could not seem to shake them from my diet) intrigued me. He like I, was raised in a Christian environment but since leaving home had never considered it part of his identity. He had also never practiced Lent, not feeling the need to give up something that brought him happiness. I pitched the idea of Lent mostly as a challenge to see which of us would cave first, a little bit of friendly competition to arouse excitement. But we also wanted to do something together, and lying in bed intertwined the jump to giving up missionary

was not hard to make. And the giggle shared over the sacrilege of giving up a sex position for Lent, let alone one titled missionary made the idea to rich to pass over.

So, giving up missionary, What’s my take? Missionary is probably one of the most underrated positions. It is often considered a sex card used out of ease, low effort and simplicity. However, as my friends upon hearing this attempt at situational irony reminded me, missionary is a position that when done right can offer the most intimacy, stimulation, and versatility. However I make it sound, half way into the Lent experience, I can hardly say I regret my decision. We have become closer, more comfortable with each other, tried things that we would have never thought of trying and gained an appreciation for the simple things in our relationship. I think the biggest take away from this experience for both of us has been an understanding that sometimes the most exciting and sexy things are the simplest. We have realized the bedroom does not always have to be the crazy experience suggested by modern day pornography (don’t get me wrong these experiences have their time and place). It has dawned on us that it can be just as important to respect a moment and your presence there together, an intimacy that missionary draws out like no other.

@#%$ AND C&@!$%! 13

@STRANDPAPER THE STRAND | 2 APRIL 2019

Horny in Hogwarts: a raunchy visit to the Room of Requirement Self-insert fanfiction YOU HOGWARTS HORNDOG

“Mmmmmughhhhaaaahhhhhmmmmm” Chapter One

“HARRY POTTER, HARRY POTTER!”

The first thing I noticed were his soft, pink lips. I watched as his breaths escaped them. How I longed to feel that breath on my neck. Sometimes, when he was nervous, he would chew on the end of his wand, like a muggle nibbling a pencil. But he’s no muggle. There’s something absolutely magical about the way he slid the tip of that wand between his barely parted lips. Even in a moment of true vulnerability, he was so undeniably sexy. How was I supposed to concentrate on my ancient runes homework when he was sitting right across from me, teasing me with those lips that I longed to kiss?

“Not loud enough.”

The second thing I noticed were his arms. He was slim but toned, and as he pressed his quill against the parchment he would flex his biceps just enough to make me melt. I know it’s old fashioned of me, but what can I say, I like my men strong. I want a man who can sweep me off my feet, carry me to the astronomy tower, and make me forget all about my charms exam for forty-five minutes. I need a man who can turn me from a simple letter into a howler. And he is that man.

“HARRY POTTER!! HARRY POTTER!!”

“Now whisper.” “harry potter, harry potter” “Mmmmmughhhhaaaahhhhhmmmmm” “Harry?” “…”

“Harry? Is everything okay?”

It was only after I had been lusting over his lips and arms for half of study hall that he finally looked at me. Our eyes met, and that was the moment that I truly felt myself become a woman. All the pieces fell into place. I needed him now and nobody, not even Professor Snape, could stop me. And the way he was looking at me, I knew he wanted me too. I was about to fuck Harry Potter.

“Yeah yeah I’m good. Was that good for you babe?”

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

The moans escaped my lips like a chocolate frog escaping from its packaging. I couldn’t contain them any longer. I felt pleasure over every inch of my naked body.

And then he spoke.

As we lay together on the floor of the Room of Requirement, I couldn’t get his penis out of my mind. It was so hard, and yet so soft. So powerful, and yet so gentle. So long, and yet so thin.

“Say my name.” he asked, no, demanded.

“Harry Potter? More like Harry Cocker,” I quipped. “You know, because you have such a big cock ;)”

“Harry Potter.”

“Say it again.”

“Harry Potter, Harry Potter.”

“Say it louder.”

“Yeah it was good for me too.”

“Awesome.”

“Thanks babe.” He replied.

Chapter Four And that’s the story of how I fucked Harry Potter. The end.

ILLUSTRATION

| BECKY GU, THE LAST THING SHE DID (RIP)

14 $TR@^#!ED

EDITOR | LEO MORGENSTERN STRANDED@THESTRAND.CA

Horror-scopes TAMARA FROOMAN SENIOR COPY EDITOR, ASTROLOGIST

Aries (Mar 21 to Apr 19) Get ready to be rammed by all the shit going down in Aries this month!! A new moon inside Aries on April 5 is the perfect time for a fresh start—take some advice from Britney Spears circa 2002 and Dump Him™. Prepare to be entered by Mercury on the 17th and Venus on the 20th. Mercury in Aries means it’s a good time for quickies, but once Venus enters on 4/20 it’s time to stop, ~rock n roll~.

Famous Aries: Dr. Michael Cobb Taurus (Apr 20 to May 20) Taurus season approaches and it’s about time to be back on your bullshit, Ferdinand-o!! Celebrate on 4/20 blaze it and have yourself a nice depresh sesh— in this post-Sarah Tonin world, you could really use a nice mug of tea and a lobotomy!! The sun’s transit through your house is an ideal time to focus on financial gain. Pro tip: you can get a free Seeking Arrangements premium account with your UofT email. Get yourself a sugar parent so you can live your best life, inspired by Princess Margaret’s 1950s morning routine: relaxing in bed for two hours while eating breakfast, chain smoking, and reading the paper, then emerging at 12:30 after a bath for a pre-lunch vodka. Lunch involves multiple fruit and cheese courses and three glasses of wine.

Famous Taurus: me, bitch Gemini (May 21 to Jun 20) To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand these Gems. The self-esteem is chronically low, and without a solid grasp of emotional unavailability— Famous Gemini: Twins! Name a more iconic duo. How about Jordan Peterson and my ex, famous Geminis. Or Donald Trump and Kanye West, also famous Geminis.

Cancer (Jun 21 to Jul 22) Well Mr. Krabs, these are krusty times. Ever since the ass-ass-in-nation of Vine in the Year of Our Lorde 2k16, your life has never known peace. In the immortal words of Jaden Smith: “How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real.” Prepare to rebrand during the impending Cancer eclipse by hitting shuffle on your favourite Netflix category: “Visually striking understated quirky experimental indepen-

dent films featuring a strong female lead based on a sentimental book about a close-knit group of friends with witty dialogue directed by Greta Gerwig.”

Famous Cancer: toxic masculinity Leo (Jul 23 to Aug 22) Just dandy, lion! Spring has sprung and there’s no better time than 6 pm on a Wednesday to #pukeandrallyboys amirite?? You’re a fire sign getting LITter as the days get HOTter and April will prove to be everything Fyre Fest should have been. Keep in mind: the best way to describe a girl without being disrespectful is: “damn she’s a sexy bitch!”

Famous Leo: Leo Morgenstern (Libra) Virgo (Aug 23 to Sep 22) Sappho was a Virgo I don’t make the rules, send tweet. No further questions.

Famous Virgo: @sapphobot “bot that posts fragments

by Sappho. With translations from Anne Carson’s <i>If Not, Winter” Libra (Sep 23 to Oct 22) Once you start balancing your budget and moisturizing those scales, bitches better watch out. The full moon in Libra on April 19 is a good time to sort through what you know. The shrooms date is the third date. Vodka-infused jello in a watermelon does count as open alcohol. Don’t commit tax fraud before 10 am. If you get caught stealing a frisbee from Canadian Tire, it will be on your criminal record forever. When the lighter runs out of fluid you can light your joint on a toaster. Cascada’s “Everytime We Touch” is the best song ever written because it’s both a ballad and a banger. And that’s what you missed on Glee.

Famous Libra: Gwyneth Paltrow, Queen of Goop, Protector of Vaginal Steaming, Breaker of Competent and Reliable Scientific Evidence, Mother of Jade Eggs Scorpio (Oct 23 to Nov 21) Sting-a-ling! As Katy Perry famously said, “snip snip bish!” Jesus may be the Messiah, but you’re the MESS. Cross yourself before your descendant enters your eighth house, ascends to the midheaven, and yeets the cusp. Keep hackin’ darts and breakin’ hearts this month, but consider switching up your morning routine—wash down your daily handful of caffeine pills and Ritalin with a shot of Pepto Bismol.

Famous Scorpio: Marie “Let them eat cake” Antoinette Sagittarius (Nov 22 to Dec 21) Jupiter enters see-ya-later-alligator-powerader in Sagittarius on April 10 but y’all Archies don’t even believe in this shit anyway so why are we all wasting my time. I’ve never met a self-identifying Sagittarius but I’ve gotten plenty of saggy vibes from white men in indie bands who regurgitate everything Pitchfork says and only write songs called “cigarette butts” with lyrics like “I need your love just like cigarettes and I need your butt like cigarette butts.”

Famous Sagittarius: The Strand’s leading lady, Taylor Swift, darling of the golden recording studio Capricorn (Dec 22 to Jan 19) Definitely take notes on this whole “corn” idea, Billy, you goat! Vegetables have essential nutritional value that will help you avoid getting scurvy at boarding school because you only eat pasta with butter. Saturn and Pluto are retro-GAY-ding in late April, so this isn’t the best time to Uber to class from your apartment on Spadina Crescent.

Famous Capricorn: Cap (’n Crunch), Billy (Goat), Corn (Starch) Aquarius (Jan 20 to Feb 18) It’s the age of AqAIRius, water bAIRer—you are definitely 100 percent not a water sign. Those two wavy lines? They’re airwaves, not aquatic waves. Obviously. No aqua here. We’re all parched. Aired out.

Famous Aquarius: HAIRy Styles, PAIRis Hilton, Justin Timbersky (not lake), FAIRah Fawcett, CAIRole King Pisces (Feb 19 to Mar 20) One fish, two fish, red fish, go fish…… bitch.

Avoid the annual temptation of quitting your SSRIs cold-turkey again this month—now is not a good time. Wait until next month or risk ending up on the kitchen floor weeping into a bowl of cornflakes, again. Some people have dry skin, some people have clinical depression. I heard there was a secret chord that soulja cranked and it pleased the lord but YUUUUUU don’t really care for music do YUUUUUU! Famous Pisces: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt his name is my name too

Eat my dick: a recipe Yeah, you heard me TOPHER BROCK GOURMET CHEF

Planning a dinner party? You can never go wrong with a classic dick recipe. Everything is better with cock—especially when it’s maple-glazed cock. Here’s a helpful little recipe for eating my dick!

Ingredients 1 dick (mine) 2 cups of suck my butt 1 large your mom 3 teaspoons of go fuck yourself in your ugly face you cum dumpster 1 sprinkle of literally no one gives a FUCK 1 sprinkle of literally no one would care if you died Directions 1. The last time I was at your house I rubbed your toothbrush in my asscrack.

2. Your friends don’t really like you they just feel obligated to spend time with you.

3. Your ex’s new boyfriend is way hotter than you and has a bigger cock and is better at sex.

4. Your grandpa faked his own death to avoid spending time with you.

5. Eat. My. Dick.

Serves: you.

STRANDED 15

@STRANDPAPER THE STRAND | 2 APRIL 2019

Write the names of people you hate here and then burn this page!

You could even draw a picture!

STRAND EDITORS FUCKERS

Fuck, fuck, fuck

The new slumber party celebrity crush game Listen, we’ve all sat around and dished with our gals during the tenth-anniversary screening of High School Musical 2 and decided to spice it up with a good old Fuck, Marry, or Kill of the cast! But in light of this final issue of The Strand I thought it was appropriate change things up a bit. This game… Fuck, Fuck, or Fuck! Look, we live in the times of modern. We have the right to not marry—who knew? So BOOM! Marriage, like the patriarchy, is on the way out like a Popeye’s five-piece bowel movement, somehow both quickly and extremely, extremely slowly. Marriage gone! Consensual fucks in! Not unlike marriage, murder too is on the way out. No longer is killing considered the personal hobby it once was. We are free and we have a choice—to not kill! And what better way to replace the feeling of a swift manslaughter than with a long 30-second sex sesh (that’s long enough right?). Watch out murder! You just got fucked by fucks! Double fuck combo! The best part of the old game is now every part of this game! It is PERFECT!!!!

Don’t believe me? Then slide into this article’s DMs below and watch this new Monopoly of fucking do its Magic Mike!

MAX NISBETH ASS!!!!!!OCIATE STRANDED EDITOR

Zac Efron in High School Musical, Zac Efron in 17 Again, Zac Efron in Neighbors: Fuck, fuck, fuck Mrs. Incredible from The Incredibles, Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove, The Old Man from Up: Fuck, fuck, fuck Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Tinky-Winky: Fuck, fuck, fuck ILLUSTRATION

| SAI LIAN MACIKUNAS

Yosemite National Park, the Great Wall of China, the Grand Canyon: Fuck, fuck, fuck Cucumbers, peaches, pie: Fuck, fuck, fuck Ken Burns, Ken Burns, Ken Burns: FUCK, FUCK, FUCK

16 $TR@%$#ED

@STRANDPAPER THE STRAND | 2 APRIL 2019

Puzzle time!

This week’s clues are things my roommate calls “sex”

LINDSAY O’LEEL PUZZLER

1

2 3

4

5 6 7

8

9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17

18

19

20

21

22

Created using the Crossword Maker on TheTeachersCorner.net

plowed pound

destroyed

score

bang

coitus

heat

ravished

screw

rammed

riding shag

fornication DTF

penetrate

spitroast

railed

poked dicked

rollinthehay bone

fucked

laid make

love Across 4. Goal!

7. Obliterated 9. 'I got ____ last night' 10. 'I don't fuck, I ____ ____ .'

11. Not with a fizzle, but with a _____.

12. Occurs 55 times in the New Testament 14. '_________ me!' (to get through, physically) 15. Latin for 'sexual union' 17. Likely holding your bed frame together 18. Filled with intense delight. Think harlequin romance 21. The Strand's issue theme (verb) 22. Canadian electoral districts

Down 1. Going to ____-town 2. An archaic Facebook function (verb) 3. 'I'm horny like a cat in _____' 5. Choo! Choo!

6. A delicious way to cook meat 8. Fun farm activity!

11. 206 found in the human body 13. Having cleared a road of snow 16. My roommate: 'He ______ me so hard last night.' Also a male sheep.

17. Deep-pile carpet 19. Willingness to engage (acronym) 20. Slang for reproductive appendage (verb)