Volume 57 Issue 12 (Joke Issue)

the strand

Illuminat i secrets Exposed (6)

VICTORIA UNIVERSITY’S STUDENT NEWSPAPER VOL. 57 ISSUE 12 • April 20 2015 • WWW.THESTRAND.CA

Interview with no one in particular 2 construction is good and cool 3 “peace out”-Zayn Malik 4 we are innocent 5 (no we aren’t 6) interview with mac demarco 7 illuminati tv control exposed 7 true detective tells the truth 8 real actual newspaper 10-11

p u e k !! a ! w e l p peo

s e l g . . n . a e tri wher y r eve : s k l a t y ! ! ! e n mo do we so strand editors busted 2

e r a . t . . a g wh idin h y e th sun baby 5eva 3

advice from a pokemaster 4

all The news we’re alLowed to priNt! INTERVIEW WITH

[REDACTED TO PRESERVE IDENTITY]:

THE ILLUMINATI’S SECRETS SPILLED! Anthony BUrton MASONIC LODGE OFFICER Through some sleuthing accompanied by some actions that I’m less than proud of, I managed to get an inter view with a former Illuminati golden boy who has since become disillusioned with the movement—but who, after voicing his displeasure and attempting to leave, has since become the victim of harassment and smear campaigns from those he used to call his brethren in the New World Order.

The Illuminati are traditionally associated with music stars and the Holly wood elite. How did you get involved?

Well, let me tell you, Jay-Z and Beyoncé have a hold on the Illuminati. Bey is the brains, but Hov? Now, Hov is the mouth. Him hitching up with Bey ain’t no accident. The man could talk the mask off Rey Mysterio.

I’ve always tried to take advantage of the talents that I have beyond just metabolizing HGH at a superhuman rate and drawing minute amounts of blood from my head for dramatic effect, so in 2005 I released my rap album, [redacted to preser ve identity]. It went platinum and I was on top of the world. That’s when Shawn approached me.

Why did he approach you?

Well, if you really look at it, rap and wrestling have a long histor y, so releasing my album, [redacted to preser ve identity], which went platinum, is a pretty appropriate move. It all kinda star ted with Hulk Hogan’s 1995 release under the Wrestling Boot Band, Hulk Rules. The crossover appeal that Hulk was getting looked like a great oppor tunity for mass public control for 2Pac, who was head of the Illuminati at the time. So Shawn was really just continuing a tradition.

Wait—so Hulk Hogan is Illuminati too?

No, he has no idea they exist. He just happens to do what they want done. Telling him would be a bad idea.

Okay, back to the recruitment.

After my album [redacted to preser ve identity] went platinum, Shawn approached me and asked if I would become a par t of the Illuminati. The organization is all about mass public control, and W WE fans can be mesmerized in a way that is only rivalled by offering a dog a treat. I didn’t know this at the time; I just thought that Shawn really liked the album and wanted to work with me. I don’t know if I can ever forgive him.

What did they ask you to do?

Shawn got me in movies, promised to help my rap career, and

it seemed like we were just two buddies looking out for each other.

He was a huge suppor ter of my “You Can’t See Me” campaign, which I developed with a long-time friend and marketing analyst to maximize my exposure to the W WE audience. It got huge. I thought Shawn was just a fan of the idea, but he had different things in mind.

liked “You Can’t See Me” because it was a taunt to the “sheeple” W WE fans who I love and ser ve, like how the Illuminati operate in front of their ver y eyes. It wasn’t about being my friend, it was about being the Illuminati and being the leaders of the New World Order and ruling the world. This is where it all star ted to go downhill. They got Vince McMahon to have The Rock over throw me as the face of the W WE. I haven’t had a platinum album since.

Like what?

Where are you now?

By this point I was heavily involved with the Illuminati. They called me a “brand ambassador” and told me that I was their golden goose, whatever that means. I thought we were just becoming closer as a family. I love my friends in the federation, but we feud all the time, as you probably know. We call it Wrestlemania. The Illuminati guys really seemed to have my back. They suppor ted “You Can’t See Me,” which was great, and I’m sure it helped my album, [redacted to preser ve identity], go platinum, but when I tried to transition to my next tagline, “Blue Jeans Hero,” they really didn’t want me to do it.

I’m just tr ying to live my life, man. They harass me. They call me old. My acting career has stalled. I was in the Fred movie, which should have launched my career, but they’ve blackballed me in the ‘Wood. What hur ts the most is how much I goddamn miss ‘em—Shawn, Bee, Popesie, the whole gang. They hur t me.

But now I gotta put myself first and keep my head up high. John Cena’s been on the top before, and John Cena’s gonna be on the top again.

Uh—

How come?

Fuck. This inter view is over.

This is when I saw the insidious side of the Illuminati. They

CAMPUS EDITORS USE ISSUES OF THE STRAND TO FURNISH THEIR RESUMES, HOMES Paula Razuri PAPER PROPAGATOR AND MASONIC GRANDMA With the popular it y of pr int media inevitably on the r ise, nearly no one is ask ing: why even print? T he obvious thing for any campus paper is to pr int, keep pr inting, and pr int A LOT. T hat’s why we at The Strand have kept pr inting in massive quantities (upwards of tens of thousands of copies, at least) just to keep up with the over whelming demand of our readers.

W hile it’s common sense to understand the need for physical copies of the hot test k inda-communist paper around, some people might wonder what value remains to having words pr inted (on paper) and circulated around campus for people to read (with their eyeballs).

Aside from allowing readers to cut out ar ticles to build their ver y own corkboard master pieces (see page 6), there are many reasons to continue to pr int physical copies of The Strand. Editors of the paper, for instance, have found endless uses for the newspaper in their homes... and now you can too!

We’re happy to crack open the vault on these hot secret s, so here are the top five ways you can use The Strand in your home!

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1) COST-EFFECT I VE M AT TR ESSES T here’s a reason why student s are k nown for their futon-dwelling ways: mat tresses are hella ‘spensive. Our editors have discovered that you can just take issues of The Strand and put them in garbage bags, and you got a mat tress, baby! Tr y it at home!

2) NUTR IONAL SUPPLEMENT Ramen got you down? Tired of the finite possibilities of chicken nugget s? Issues of The Strand, when shredded finely, give any meal an extra boost of f lavour. Tr y steaming a whole issue for a healthy dose of fibre and ink poisoning.

3) E ASY CURTAINS Ever yone k nows universit y sleep schedules are er ratic (at best). Sometimes you just need to hunker down and get a couple hours of Zzz’s in the middle of the day, but with that pesk y sun keeping you up, it’s hard to get your beaut y rest. Fear no more. Just t ape issue upon issue of The Strand to your windows to keep things dark, cool, and pr ivate. T his one’s sure to impress the neighbours!

4) TO WAR D OFF THE SPIR IT UAL EMBODIMEN T OF YOUR FE ARS A ND A NX IET IES For those days when you’re feeling par ticularly existential, hanging issues of The Strand from the ceiling (using

“The possibilities are endless.” decorative yar n, if you’ve got it) is a great way to keep the other-worldly beings at bay. We ain’t ‘fraid of no ghost!

5) K IT T Y LIT TER Need we say more? T his one speak s for it self.

Good luck fellow DIY-ers! For more info about the boundless world of The Strand newspaper conversion,, send an email to: pap erisking@printingpap ers5eva.com

sanctioned oPinions

AN ODE TO AGING INFRASTRUCTURE REEMA KUREISHY CO-CONSPIRATOR else would we have the oppor tunit y of being stranded on Spadina, all together, because the streetcar was diver ted? W hat would our music, playing as we walked down the street, sound like if not backed up by rhy thmic dr illing noises? W here would the fun be if we could always rely on major roads st aying open and the T TC operating reliably?

Toronto is an unfinished cit y, and that’s really poetic. I say we should let it stay this poetic forever.

Not a lot of Torontonians feel this way, but it doesn’t mat ter. Because I asked the one man whose silhouet te may as well be on the Cit y of Toronto logo. I’m t alk ing about Man W ho St ands Out side Forever 21, aka “Believe Guy,” who has stood at the cor ner of Yonge and Dundas since the beginning of time (or the beginning of constr uc tion in Toronto—same thing).

I asked him whether the sense of communit y that Toronto’s constr uc tion provides would always remain an integral par t of our cit y.

“BELIEVE in our Lord!” he told me.

Indeed, Man W ho Stands Out side Forever 21. Indeed.

JPHILIPG ON FLICKR

T here isn’t enough constr uc tion in Toronto.

T hat’s r ight, I said the thing that’s been on ever yone’s mind. No one likes to talk about it, but admit it: the constr uction going on all over the cit y for years has now become endear ing. It’s sor t of like your par tner’s illegitimate child who suddenly came into your life, created issues and tensions in the family dynamic… and then, against all odds, got you to love them.

I was recently walk ing through the constr uc tion at Spadina and College, and stopped to listen to the sound of the dr illing and to obser ve the dug-up road and, especially, the faces of the local business owners around the intersec tion. You had to look closely, but there was clearly affec tion oozing from beneath their frowns.

You might have thought they were mumbling, “T his is ser iously hur ting my business,” but what they ac tually said was, “If loving road diversions is w rong, I don’t wanna be r ight.”

T he long winter this year made it harder for constr uc tion to continue and has caused several delays, and Torontonians should be relieved about this. W hen

“I DON’T SEE THE WEATHER” SAYS MAN WITH UMBRELLA AMANDA AZIZ SATAN-IN-CHIEF

Hey there stranger, I know that it’s just you and I waiting for the bus to arrive, but I feel uncomfor table about you using this “rain” outside as an excuse to get me to share my umbrella with you. You didn’t even ask for my name or include me in this conversation that WE are having.

I’ll be honest with you: I don’t mind the weather, and the weather doesn’t mind me. It just does its own thing.

And I’m content with it, because not all weather is bad. In fact, I need to be even more honest: I’m just tired of all of this weather talk, because it’s so last decade. Why does almost ever y ice-breaking conversation have to star t off with the weather? We are in a post-weather society; we don’t need this talk about it raining outside, because there is no rain. I don’t see rain or shine, sleet or hail—I just see air. If my hair gets wet, all I’m thinking about is how we are all equal and that we are beyond civil rights.

I don’t remember what my Grade Two science teacher, Mrs. Warrington, said exactly when she taught us a lesson on weather. All I know is that she said something about planet Ear th having some good weather, some okay weather, and some just-plain-bad weather. I’ve never felt the need to continue my studies in science or check the weather channel ever since! As for knowing what really constitutes good weather or bad weather, do we as humans really know the answer?

You might think that humans are different from the weather, but we are not. If you think that humans and the weather are totally different just because humans are sentient beings and the weather is a meteorological phenomenon… oh, will you be surprised. There is only one controller of the weather, and that is the Sun Baby. The Sun Baby is like all other babies, but instead of the Sun Baby being human, it is a baby that is a sun! Some humans star t out as babies, too, but I would like to stay neutral and say that not all humans star t out as babies. So we’re not that different from the Sun Baby as you thought we were. Tr y to one-up me and make me share my umbrella with you now, commie! You can’t make me share my umbrella with you when I bought it myself.

Humans are the Sun Baby. The Sun Baby is the weather. Humans are the weather. We are all the weather.

But hold your horses now, buddy. Don’t go telling ever yone I’m pro-weather here. Just because we are in a post-weather society, that doesn’t mean I’m pro-weather.

I don’t want to be pro-weather, because then that means that I hate humans, and I don’t want the humans in my life to think that of me. I care about both the Sun Baby and the humans. Though, I must admit, I’m scared that we’re ex-

cluding humans in this discussion. Why don’t humans have a channel devoted to them like the weather does? If we are in a post-weather society, then we must star t acting like it because #humanlivesmatter too.

Now get away from my umbrella.

“Just look at that nice Sun Baby.”

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paul BLart and cuLtuRe

POKECHATS WITH A POKEMASTER! Emma McConachie-Anderson ILLUMINATI SCRIBE Hey there, fellow Pokémon enthusiasts! It’s time for me, Pokémaster Emma, to help you all with any questions, concerns, or worries you may have about your Pokémon journeys. I know many of you strive to be the ver y best—like no one ever was—but you must remember that to catch them will be your real test, and that training them will be your cause. Like me, you may choose to travel across the land and search it far and wide, but you must remember to show your Pokémon the power that is inside. Some of you may see this as your destiny, while some of you may be looking for your Pokémon to be your best friend.

Just know that their hearts are true, and no matter what you do, your courage will pull you all through. If you teach them, you’ll find that they will also teach you. I welcome any and all questions you may have to inspire you to one day be almost as awesome as me.

Hello, Pokémaster! I’m just star ting out on my Pokémon journey, and I would love some advice for an amateur like me!

- Excited Youngster Welcome to the wonderful world of Pokémon! The best advice I can give you is to love and respect your Pokémon so they will love and respect you. Also train, train, train, train, and train. Only losers think training isn’t important. You have to train your Pokémon all day, ever y day, to beat anyone who dares to challenge you. It may seem hard at first, but the feeling of winning your first gym battle is worth the pain. Also, make sure you have a healthy supply of potions, antidotes, paralyze heals, and other such useful items. Have fun!

My friends told me that Pokémon training wasn’t cool and was for losers.

I really want to be a Pokémon trainer, but I want my friends to like me.

What should I do?

- Picnicker June

Ditch your terrible friends. Ditch them, June. Your Pokémon are your friends now. They are the only friends you will ever need. Besides, your friends won’t be calling you a loser when you burn them to death with your badass Charizard.

I have a question about Pokémon type match ups. Why is flying type good against fighting type? It makes no sense to me! It can’t be that hard to punch a bird in the face.

- Ace Trainer Anon I’m not really sure how to answer this. It seems to me that you are just determined to ignore the basic scientific fundaments upon which our world is built. Would you send this question to the great Pokémon professors of our time? Master like Professor Oak, Professor Elm, or Professor Metasequoia? Who are you to question the ver y structure of our reality??? WHO ARE YOU??? I’d like to see you tr y to punch an Articuno in the face. I have never seen such ignorance. You certainly don’t live up to your alias, “Ace.” Hey, I was just wondering if you know where I could find TM28 in the Kanto region? I would love to teach it to my Sandshrew, but I’m stumped on where to find it. I’m also wondering what time the stores close, as the doors always seem to be unlocked no matter what time it is.

- trinquity_rei If I were you I would stop in at the department store in Celadon City.

That’s the most likely place I can think of. TMs are rare and certainly aren’t just lying around on the ground in forests or caves waiting for you to stumble across them. It may take a while, but I’m sure you’ll find a store that carries them. It’s not exactly like people will just give them to you if you barge into their house and ask for it, either. As for the store hours, I don’t really know why you would be shopping so late at night when you should be resting yourself and your Pokémon after a hard day of training.

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A E R An Open Letter to the Man I Will Always Love: alexandra scandolo CHIEF REPORTING CULTIST I have always been an open book when it comes to heartbreak. It’s the only way I can properly mourn a relationship.

There is something different about this time, though. This time, I feel like I have only half a heart without you, and I know many can relate.

Our relationship was always one-sided. Many girls have loved you before, and they’ll continue to love you after… I just had never been so betrayed by a man who told me I lit up his world like nobody else.

You said it was “just a break” at first, and I believed you.

I wanted you to feel the same way you did years ago. Many people reading this have probably been in the same position

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before—hoping the choice of a loved one’s wellbeing would bring them happiness.

The break became a breakup. You needed to get out in order to live your own life, and I understood. That’s when your friend began posting photos, videos and audio clips on social media that showed you doing anything but being the “normal 22-year-old” you hoped to be… and you have yet to say anything.

Zayn Malik, your album better be fire or, I swear to God, I will never save another image of you on my computer ever again. That’s a lie. You’re literally too beautiful to not. Just answer the question that is on all of our minds: vas happenin’?

All the love, @ZaynIsABabe_95

I’m not sure how to save my game, and my Pokémon keeps fainting when I try to fight this one gym leader! Can you help me?

- Joey First of all, life is not a game. The only way you are going to beat that gym leader is through diligence, perseverance, and determination. If you want to make it as a trainer, you’re going to have to learn that losing happens. Take that experience and use it to make yourself and your Pokémon stronger than ever.

I’ve been playing this game for a while and I haven’t found any useful items, even though I’ve gone into every house I’ve come across and looked through all the trash cans. What am I doing wrong?

- Confused Maniac Ok, what the Jigglypuff are you doing breaking into people’s houses and looking through their garbage?? That’s messed up, man.

Honey, you haven’t come out of your room in three weeks. I think we need to sit down and have a chat about getting you a real job. Your father and I love you, and we just want to see you succeed in life. We also want you to have a shower and do some laundry.

- Your mother Mom, I told you I left to become a Pokémon Master a few years ago.

Did you not get all the letters I sent by carrier Pidgey? I’ll be back as soon as I can to visit and catch up with you guys, but right now, I’m way too busy furthering my knowledge of Pokémon and tr ying to help others do the same. (P.S. Can the next pizza you slide under my door be pepperoni instead of Hawaiian, please? Love you! <3)

Nothing Gold Can Stay: A Farewell to Zayn Malik holly mcKenzie-Sutter MASONIC LODGE OFFICER Nature’s first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf’s a flower; But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf, So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day Nothing gold can stay.

- Robert Frost

It has now been two weeks since the Black Wednesday announcement of March 25, 2015, which notified the public of Zayn Malik’s departure from One Direction. While the initial wounds have not yet healed, and while crippling nostalgia still threatens to pull us under, the passage of time has allowed for some clarity about this great cultural tragedy.

First of all, it’s time for us as a society to offer a collective thank you to Zayn for all his years of service. It has been an honour and a privilege to bear witness to his image, one that most (if any) of us hardly deserved.

On a more personal note, I want to express gratitude to Zayn for making his exit. It is a great relief to no longer need to defend him by insisting to my non-believing peers that “trust me, he’s too cool to be in One Direction.” Thank you for proving me right, Zayn. I always believed in you. I no longer feel the need to justify my interest in One Direction, and despite the emptiness and selfloathing the comedown is causing me, I am now able to embark on a much-needed investigation of self.

He was always too good for One Direction and for this world.

Congratulations to Zayn on his ascension to the higher plane of existence he was always destined for. After carrying his group of four mediocre backup singers for so long, the man deserves a wellearned rest before leveling up and returning to us as the Beyoncé of the group.

Goodbye, Zayn Malik, and stay gold.

nOthing to see here

OUR MASTHEAD Editors-in-Chief editor@thestrand.ca

Amanda Aziz Emily Pollock Paula Razuri

Business Manager

Anthony Burton

News

Anthony Burton Ben Atkins

Opinions opinions@thestrand.ca

Jonah Letovsky Reema Kureishy

Features

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Arts & Culture

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Film & Music

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Stranded

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strandbusinessmanager@gmail.com

news@thestrand.ca

features@thestrand.ca artsandculture@thestrand.ca filmandmusic@thestrand.ca

stranded@thestrand.ca

Production

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Design Copy

Rhianna Jackson-Kelso

copy@thestrand.ca

Photo

Victoria Chuen

photo@thestrand.ca

WE ARE INNOCENT

Vacant Vivian Che Grace Quinsey

design@thestrand.ca

This is a picture of all of the people left on our masthead

Art

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Lynn Seolim Hong Wenting Li

Web

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Distribution

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Editorial Assistant

Kasra Koushan, Kiley Venables, Lily Wang

Contributors Emma McConachie-Anderson, Angela Sun, Warren Goodwin, Alexandra Scandolo Copy Editors Jacob McNair, Bronwyn Nisbet-Gray, Olivia Dziwak Illustrations Emily Pollock Photos Victoria Chuen, Genevieve Wakutz, Warren Goodwin Cover Photos Victoria Chuen, Genevieve Wakutz, Warren Goodwin

The Strand has been the newspaper of record for Victoria University since 1953. It is published 12 times a year with a circulation of 2000 and is distributed in Victoria University buildings and across the University of Toronto’s St. George campus.

The Strand flagrantly enjoys its editorial autonomy and is committed to acting as an agent of constructive social change. As such, we will not publish material deemed to exhibit racism, sexism, homo/transphobia, ableism, or other oppressive language.

THe sTRANd THE ONLY TRUSTWORTHY SOURCE By now, some of you may have heard that The Strand is affiliated with the Illuminati. This is a lie. The Illuminati are not real. The Illuminati are a conspiracy. Conspiracies are not real until facts are presented which prove otherwise. As a newspaper, we do not stand for conspiracies. As a newspaper, we publish the truth and have given an oath to keep that ethos no matter what.

(Just like a good neighbourhood politician does when they have been elected into office. And politicians don’t lie, because why else would they be in office and have an exorbitant amount of money that falls through the cracks during auditing? People make a lot of money when they tell the truth, because people will throw that money at your face. If this isn’t been something you’ve experienced yet, then you clearly are not living the life of a politician. Maybe consider living like a politician.)

We stand for honest and ethical investigative journalism, and also for human sacrifice. And because The Strand doesn’t stand for conspiracies, we have decided to associate ourselves with the Freemasons, the salt of all societies and mason jars. The Freemasons are real because if you google “Freemasons,” there are more results than for the Illuminati (if you google “Illuminati”).

So to dispel those rumours about our association with the Illuminati, here are the steps we go through with each issue’s production: 1) We post on our office door (which is the mystery tunnel underneath the Goldring Centre, as you all should know by now) the words “FREE FOOD” to lure in students to work for us. The twist is that there isn’t free food. This is a lesson to teach them to always fact check sensationalist statements.

2) You may be wondering why we have human sacrifice as one the paper’s guiding principles. We don’t sacrifice humans, but rather we sacrifice our humanity for the sake of news. In order to sacrifice our humanity, we sacrifice our staff writers because they aren’t humans, they are staff writers. If staff writers were human, we

would call them humans, you idiot. This is why we have a small masthead and scramble to find new writers each issue.

3) Our writers are masters of execution. Once their work goes through a copy edit, we paste their text into a rectangular, portrait-style paper document, not into triangles. The Illuminati only print stuff in triangles.

Rectangles are the shape of truth, and we are not Illuminati. Also, there’s no such thing as triangular paper.

4) Have you ever tasted a rabbit before? If you are interested in staying past our recruitment night, we treat you to fresh, wild rabbit chemically produced by the Vic Gardening Club. But only sometimes, and all the times, and if not every time, we eat rats which are dressed in rat-sized bunny ears. But only sometimes. This is how we fuel our way through production during all-nighters.

Rabbits are not triangles, they are animals. This is why the Freemasons love them, because animals are real, and triangles are not real. Whatever is not real is not the truth. Rabbits are the truth because rabbits are real.

5) Before we send the paper off to print, we dance in a circle of candles bought from the Robarts candle dispenser, located on the millennium floor of the library, and chant in the hopes of there being no spelling or design errors. If there are errors, please help, because we are running out of editors to sacrifice and we need more people. Please come join us. We will only sacrifice you once because you only have one life. We promise!

6) If you want to contribute to The Strand next year, find us at our website, www.v ic.strand.answers.yahoo. com where we ask Yahoo! our questions, and Yahoo! answers us. Because Yahoo! is a deity, and we are not the Illuminati.

The Strand is a proud member of the Canadian University Press (CUP).

Our offices are located at 150 Charles St. W., Toronto, ON, M5S 1K9. Please direct enquiries by email to editor@thestrand.ca. Submissions are welcome and may be edited for taste, brevity, and legality.

t Follow us on Twitter for news and updates:

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Δ VERY SECRET BROΔDCΔST Neil MacIsaac GHOUL

Working with the informant inter viewed by fellow Killuminati/Twitter-truther Anthony Bur ton, here I have compiled descriptions of the most popular Illuminati T V programs. Although this ar ticle was researched using the secret Illuminati version of Netf lix (accessed by listing one’s countr y as “Other/Illuminati”), the descriptions are my own.

T WO AND A HALF MEN Consistently hailed by the Illuminati as T V’s best comedy, this Chuck Lorrie series is anchored by young star Angus T. Jones’s rants and one-liners praising all things triangular and secret while mocking the sheeple represented by Jon Cr yer. Such lines from Jones go unheard by non-Illuminati viewers who are unable to access the radiation-powered ear-sonic modifiers first used in conjunction with Boy Meets World.

DOG WITH A BLOG Much like Two and a Half Men, this show’s titular blogging dog is a mouthpiece for the shadow governors and their nefarious doings, heard only by Illuminati viewers. Known for his catchphrase, “Ever y day I resurrect and re-murder

JFK and Tupac,” the Labrador Retriever-Siberian Husky hybrid has been voiced by Ringo Starr, Alec Baldwin, and a shrieking eyeball. All this is pleasantly balanced by the show’s trademark family-friendly hijinks.

HOUSE OF CARDS This show is a f lashy but wildly unrealistic fantasy with no basis in genuine Washington politics. The series mocks the intelligence of its sheeple viewers with its direct-to-camera asides and lack of any subtlety, and its bare-minimum thematic merit is undermined by its overconfidence in its seriousness and prestige. It gets progressively worse each season as characters opposing the protagonist become increasingly more stupid and illogical. A colossal practical joke on the sheeple: no one in the Illuminati can stand this.

LAW & ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT Much more divorced from its non-Illuminati equivalent and the Law & Order franchise as a whole, the series focuses minimal time (~5 minutes per episode) on the process of investigating and tr ying criminals. The rest of the hourlong episode is devoted to the highly graphic depiction of the Special Victims (the Illuminati) exacting tor turous

revenge on those who wronged them. The violence haunts ever y moment of my being.

ILLUMINEWS Long-form debates where four prominent figures whose deaths the Illuminati faked for various purposes discuss and argue New World Order policy. Notable repeat guests include Osama bin Laden, Vincent Price, Mel B, Steve Irwin, Marie Curie, and Jimmy Car ter. Ever y broadcast day ends with the playing of the Illuminati Anthem, which sounds like Three 6 Mafia meets Steely Dan meets that album Lady Gaga did with Tony Bennett.

DANIEL’S TOWN! A delightful kids’ series in which anthropomorphic ferrets learn lessons about family, friends, school, and how to praise and suppor t the New World Order. Set ten years into the future, the series is a helpful guide to what the post-Darkening War world could look like. A weekly five minutes’ hate against Alex Jones, Banksy, and David Icke.

Clothing comprised entirely of moon rocks, daily salutes to the glorious chemtrails, and mar tyrs of the climate change/MH370/Cyborg Jack Lay ton hoax.

AN INTERVIEW WITH MAC DEMARCO Anthony BUrton MASONIC LODGE OFFICER The Strand: So, you’re here to— MD: I just want to say that I love Kiki.

TS: This is your girlfriend, Kiera.

MD: Kiera!

Mac stands up and fist pumps.

TS: So, you’re doing the festival circuit again this summer. How has your presence on it changed over the years?

PAULA RAZURI

MD: It hasn’t all that much.

Mac jumps up and falls back down to one knee, in what is commonly known as the ‘Tebow.’

MD: I LOVE KIKI! TS: So, uh, how did you and Kiera meet?

MD: I admired her and thought I wanted to meet her and so I called her because I wanted to meet her. You see someone’s work in Grade Seven and you think what a special person she is… I meet with people and I wanted to meet this woman and I met her. She’s extraordinar y.

MD: I honestly haven’t had this kind of feeling before.

Mac jumps up onto the couch and bounces up and down repeatedly.

Mac jumps back down to one knee and Tebows again.

TS: The, uh—looks like the boy is gone!

MD: There’s so much we have in common. I can’t be cool.

I can’t be laid back about it and it’s something that happened and I want to celebrate it. She’s a ver y special person and you’ll get to know her.

MD: I don’t want to disappoint her. I’ve spoken with her parents… she’s an extraordinar y woman… ver y, ver y special woman… her generosity, her life force, she has a spirit… she cares about other people… she has a real joy about life… the two of us together are just—

TS: I think many of your fans do know her! A lot of us got to know you through your per formance of “Still Together” at 2014’s Pitchfork Music Fest, where you brought her out onstage.

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about things… I like intimacy… When I’m into my woman, I want to know about my woman. Hmm.

After trailing off, seemingly lost in thought, Mac Tebows again.

TS: So Mac, is this sor t of like when you’re in love and all you want to do is say the person’s name?

MD: Kiki. Kiki.

TS: So that’s where you’re at…

TS: A force to reckon with...

MD: Kiki.

MD: I don’t play games. I’m ver y straight about how I feel

This inter view was condensed for clarity.

FEM AND MISANDRY

TRUE DETECTIVE: MINDLESS ENTERTAINMENT OR MODERN DAY ALLEGORY?

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Bronwyn Nisbet-Gray PROPAGANDA OFFICER When True Detective premiered on HBO last year, it carefully placed itself within the television of quality tradition—following series like Breaking Bad, The Wire, and The Sopranos. True Detective represents a break with the mindless enter tainment that so often permeates our television screens, instead revealing the inf luence of the Illuminati throughout its first season.

The series, starring Matthew McConaughey as Rustin Cohle, and Woody Harrelson as Mar tin Har t, recounts a decade old investigation, its reopening, and its eventual resolution. Immediately, the series’ opening credits use the all-seeing eye, the pentagram, the inver ted cross, and fire to point to the Illuminati, using these symbols to explicitly call attention to the relationship of the symbols to the series’ landscape—the United States’ backwoods. While this may seem removed from the Illuminati’s centre in the free-market economy, this is all par t of the series’ allegorical message—the expansion of free-market ideology to the outer reaches of the United States. The juxtaposition of the explicit symbolism with the picturesque background can be read as a denunciation of the ways of the Illuminati: the idea that some great “evil” has infiltrated the untouched space weighs heavily—and wrongly—upon the viewer.

This negative commentar y first became apparent in the stor y through what are positioned as “demonic” and “satanic” totems at the crime scenes. The totems, made of interlocking triangles hung from above, are definite references to the secret society’s symbols. The triangles become a motif throughout the series, seemingly referencing the murders, but in fact acting as subliminal messages against the Illuminati, connecting the organization’s most recognizable symbol with chaos and mayhem. The series hopes to obfuscate the true goals of the Illuminati—freedom from the Old Order—and suggest that its goals are instead the destruction of humanity.

As the series develops, fur ther blows are levied against the organization: the placement of Rustin Cohle specifically, with his nihilistic perspective, seems to defy the rules and social order demanded by the Illuminati. Cohle is constantly presented as a foil to Mar tin Har t—a good, unassuming man who suppor ts the tenants of the Illuminati. True Detective assumes Cohle is the true hero—for his non-conformist, socialist ideas that align him with the Old Order and with the breakdown of true progress. Cohle falls down a dangerous slope throughout the series—caring about philosophy, and about the poor and the downtrod-

den. The spectator is asked to identify against the truly good values needed for the Illuminati to succeed: namely, freedom from oppressive academic thought.

True Detective appeals to viewers through its f lashy aesthetic, its handsome protagonist, its multilateral challenge to stor y telling. However, underneath its exterior, it is obvious that the series hopes to act as propaganda against the Illuminati, appropriating the Illuminati’s own tools of media dissemination. Through its appeal to popular audiences, True Detective tries to passively condition its viewers against the symbols of The Organization. It tries to suggest that audiences should worr y about the treatment of women and poor people (par ticularly poor women), or about the devaluation of public institutions. It suggests that the ruling class is in fact evil, obsessed with murder and per verse ideologies. However, I challenge this series’ ideals and its appeals to those outside of The Organization. We must not be fooled by it, we must not listen to its messages that stress pessimism about current society, big business, and corporate interests. We must be critical of the media; we, the members of the Illuminati, must question those media texts that attack our core values and degrade our normal forms of communication.

CONFIRMED: GOLDEN AGE HOLLYWOOD IS FORMER ILLUMINATI KINGPIN [NEW EVIDENCE SHOWS] Warren Goodwin ILLUMINATI DETECTIVE

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Once the most beloved figure in large-scale chorusdancer-based-cinema, Busby Berkeley’s evil agenda has been brought to light.

This past Tuesday, The Strand correspondent Warren Goodwin unear thed previously leaked internet documents that exper ts believe to be a clear indicator that Berkeley was one of the Lizard People.

n’t d i ... wd Ho otice n we

What is under Remy Shand’s hat ... ?

You can run, but you cannot hide from the watchful eye of The Strand!

The documents in question, posted by Twitter user @trailblazzzer_420 in the wee hours of Tuesday morning, highlight a long and exemplar y career as one the top Faceless Ones. The most damning evidence can be found within his infamous Gold Diggers trilogy, which collectively garnered a total of one Oscar nomination at the 1930 Academy Awards.

In the films, the titular “Gold Diggers” can be seen per forming an aggregation of super ficially zany dance choreography full of masonic references and over tones that have until now gone undetected.

Mr./Ms. @trail was not so easily fooled as those depression-era cinephiles, however, noting the multiple times the “Gold Diggers” entered a building bearing the mark of the compass and donning shrouds before per forming a number. Another particularly power ful example noted by Mr./Ms. @trail can be seen in the choreography accompanying the musical piece, “Take me Out to the Temple.”

Upon closer inspection, The Strand’s crack team of top student journalists has found similar themes in the films Romance On the High Seas (1948) and Women Shouldn’t Vote (1949), Berkeley’s last two films.

It must also be noted that the collected writings of Ayn Rand, a button with the word “HOPE” printed on it, and a handwritten poem entitled “99 Problems” were all found beside Berkeley’s deathbed.

Early 2000’s pop-soul Canadian sensation Remy Shand was hot on the scene with hits like “Take a Message” and “Rocksteady,” but he hasn’t been heard of since. Where is he? Why did he stop coming out with red-hot organ jams? And WHAT IS UNDER HIS HAT? Astute watchers of Much Vibe might recognize that the Winnipegian crooner almost always wore some sort of chapeau, but the real question is what was he hiding under there and what is he doing with it now? Only time will tell. The triangle marks on the side of this neat knitted piece will note the triangles on his headgear. Is this a clue?

Some might say probably not. We say DEFINITELY YES. Stay tuned.

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News and Opinions WHAT KIND OF YEAR HAS IT BEEN? ANTHONY BURTON EDITOR-IN-CHIEF I ran for News Editor of The Strand this year because I felt that, as Victoria College’s student newspaper, we had an obligation to cover student politics, especially as it related to Vic and our community. This started as more of a personal mandate than anything else—there was plenty of room to take a less adversarial stance than the recent editorial tradition had become—but by the end of this year it evolved into something far beyond that.

As a student levy, a big part of The Strand’s day-to-day operations directly involve VUSAC, and although I can’t definitely speak for editorial mandates of the past, it’s easy to see how this dual working/media relationship can cause some negative feelings. I struggled with it this year too, despite some close friendships with members of the union.

It’s pretty easy to not give a shit about student politics.

I’ve been guilty of it, lots of my friends have been, and surely even this publication has been guilty of it in the past. As a cynical outsider, it’s easy to convince yourself that it’s selfinterested, self-involved, insular, and pointless.

But when election season came around, it would have been hard to ignore it if I tried—sharing the same building, news feed, and college as those in a major student election can do that to you. When I started to pay attention, it became harder and harder to be cynical. Here’s a bunch of students, with the same stresses and school schedules as you and I, who actually, genuinely care about what’s going on with those around them and want to make a change. The problems that I used to attribute to those involved are really just by-products of the system itself—nothing’s going to be perfect when you’re learning the ropes of politics that aren’t just high school presi-

dencies—and to hold it to the people involved is to discount a lot of dedication and passion.

This year’s VUSAC elections had the highest voter turnout in recent memory, according to Chief Returning Officer Kathleen Walsh. This could have been the result of a number of factors: a large pool of candidates, a retooled constitution, or broad platform emphasis on issues that are becoming bigger parts of the conversation on campus, like sexual assault and mental health. The latter issues are susceptible to becoming mere buzzwords in the wrong hands, and we need to be careful. It’s easy to be sceptical, but I’m convinced otherwise.

It’s easy to dismiss, easy to be cynical, easy to be defensive about anything and everything.

But it’s hard to be earnest.

In our first issue of 2015, Editor-in-Chief Paula Razuri documented her holiday journey to Swiss Chalet, an adventure dripping in both gravy and irony, and talked about the general trend of ironic embracement of things like Shrek and the aforementioned chicken chain. Her conclusion was that, despite the sense of superiority that seems to be irony’s aim, it gives us a shield to genuinely enjoy things without the looming worry of whether it’s cool to enjoy them or not.

At the Canadian University Press NASH Conference, an annual gathering of student publications across the country, Paula and I found ourselves tipsily bussing to the Museum of Natural History in Ottawa, about to dance to some Top-40 and decompress with fellow student journalists after a half-week of seminars, tongue-biting, and awkward networking (hat tip to Strand emeritus Chris Berube and the joke that ensured I’ll never be working at the CBC). At the end of our rope, tired, and exhausted from murmuring Shrek jokes all week, the yells we heard from the back of the bus might as well have been Marg Ad construction work. It took us a while to clue in to the melody that was slowly taking shape: “Some-BODY once told me the world is gonna roll me....”

I’ve spent a lot of time talking about what is the easy thing to do. It’s easy to dismiss, easy to be cynical, easy to be defensive about anything and everything. But it’s hard to be earnest.

And one thing I realized, as I was drunkenly singing along on that bus to fucking Smash Mouth, of all bands, was that it’s a lot more fun to be earnest. It’s better for the soul.

This year’s student elections were marked by the sort of passion that’s easy to dismiss and easy to act like you’re too cool for. But if you take a closer look, you’ll gather hope that maybe we don’t need to be cool to protect ourselves from what scares us. What student politics has the power to do, and what I saw this year, is that we don’t need to throw up barriers between ourselves with a cigarette or a shitty album review. If we use the resources and the choices that are given to us (and there’s plenty here for us to use), it can bring us together at times when irony would only push us apart. With the right people caring about the right things, it’s not so scary to be earnest.

ELECTION RESULTS VUSAC Spring Elections CO-PRESIDENTS Ben Atkins & Gabe Zoltan-Johan VICE PRESIDENT EXTERNAL Alex Martinborough VICE PRESIDENT INTERNAL Rahul Christoffersen VP STUDENT ORGANIZATIONS Lucinda Qu ACADEMIC & PROFESSIONAL DEVELOPMENT COMMISSIONER Michelle Vacarciuc ARTS & CULTURE COMMISSIONER Sumeeta Farrukh

SUSTAINABILITY COMMISSIONER Leila Atri

ARTS & CULTURE EDITOR Clarrie Feinstein

BOARD OF REGENTS Rowan DeBues, Brenan Sivapragasam, Sara Li Forouzanfar & Rahul Christoffersen

FEATURES EDITORS Geoff Baillie & Claire Wilkins

VICTORIA COLLEGE COUNCIL Brenan Sivapragasam, Sara Li Forouzanfar, Nabiha Paracha & Naomi Stuleanu VICTORIA UNIVERSITY SENATE Naomi Stuleanu

FILM & MUSIC EDITOR Bronwyn Nisbet-Gray STRANDED EDITOR Neil MacIsaac SENIOR COPY EDITOR Jacob McNair

UTSU VICTORIA COLLEGE DIRECTORS Steve Warner, Auni Ahsan

PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR Genevieve Wakutz

Strand Masthead Elections

COMMUTER COMMISSIONER Anna Pozdniakova

EDITORS-IN-CHIEF Rhianna Jackson-Kelso, Holly McKenzie-Sutter & Anthony Burton

EQUITY COMMISSIONER Claire Wilkins

NEWS EDITOR Nicole Paroyan

SCARLET & GOLD COMMISSIONER Stuart Norton

OPINIONS EDITOR Olivia Dziwak

ILLUSTRATIONS EDITOR Lynn Seolim Hong WEB EDITOR Kasra Koushan DESIGN EDITORS Grace Quinsey & Emily Pollock

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, UOFT IS IMPROVING JONAH LETOVSKY OPINIONS EDITOR As I reflect on my time at Vic and at Uof T, it seems that not a great deal has changed over the years. We have some new buildings and upgraded student spaces, but we still face the same academic and social challenges. Why? Who knows.

Maybe incremental change is just the nature of large universities, or maybe most administrators, professors, and students don’t really give a shit about improving the experience of undergrads. I’m inclined to think that it’s some mix of the two.

Our lectures are still far too large, tutorial hours are still inadequate, and the commuter community remains, for the most part, cut off from on-campus social life.

I bet most of you would agree.

Still, this past year has felt different. Some people do, in fact, give a shit about undergrads and have started to do something about it.

“How does the University of Toronto make you feel?” is one such group of students who, in collaboration with psychology Professor Dan Dolderman over the past year, have made an effort to help Uof T students simply feel good while they’re here. They have organized playrooms at Sid Smith (with music, pizza, and ball pits), feedback boards full of sticky notes, and, just recently, an outdoor silent dance party that wound its way

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through campus. They have been doing yeoman’s work, building an increasingly large and legacy-focused organizing committee and constantly soliciting feedback through Facebook.

More physical student space has come online in the past year, and even more is currently planned. Criticize them as you will, but the past UTSU executive fought hard for a new Student Commons and they won. All students—and undergraduates in particular—will have a new, common space to come together, work, study, snack, or relax on College Street, just east of Spadina. The Goldring Student Centre has grown increasingly well used this year, as students in both Vic and the Faculty of Law have learned about Ned’s Café and as the Dean’s Office and students groups like The Strand and VUSAC have grown into their spaces. And One Spadina Crescent will soon be transformed into a new hub for architecture, visual studies, and global cities studies and will be re-attached to campus through improved pedestrian access. What all of these physical initiatives have in common is not just that they’re providing new space for students to gather—we’ve always had that. It’s that they’re providing new central spaces where different groups of students can work in close proximity, run into each other, share ideas, and, hopefully, make friends.

People are starting to talk about big ideas to improve campus. People are increasingly recognizing the need for drastic measures to improve student life. Over the past year friends have proposed a range of suggestions, from mandatory residence for all first-years (which would obviously necessitate building more residence space and increasing the affordability of living on-campus), to downloading every aspect of social life down to the colleges, to a much more laissez-faire approach to course selection, to mandating only seminar-sized courses for all first-year students. While these ideas aren’t likely to be realized within the next few years, it is encouraging that people are at least imagining the biggest ways we could improve Uof T. Finally, the university itself is actually making an effort.

Mental health initiatives have been well considered and visible on campus over the past year, and, at Vic at least, President Gooch has been working hard to revamp the college’s sexual assault policy.

So, believe it or not, things are changing for the better.

Maybe this graduating class won’t see the benefit, but five years from now Uof T could be a different place. That’s reason enough to celebrate.

Arts & Culture

ANGELA SUN STAFF WRITER For: Local Historians Neighbourhood: Old Town Total Cost: $7 per person (Add $10 if the brewer y tour had actually happened.)

Apologies for the hiatus last issue; we’re back for the final column of the school year! I had some grand plans for the arrival of spring, but alas, a chill still per vades the Toronto air. My friend was more interested in buildings than nature any way, so what better place to have our date than the historic district of Old Town (east of Union Station), a neighbourhood that contains some of the oldest buildings in Toronto.

Our first stop was the St. Lawrence Market (92-95 Front Street East) because I am probably the only Torontonian who hasn’t been inside the famous local food marketplace during opening hours. I’ve been to the Sunday antique market across the street, but I had never seen the food building in action. Unfor tunately, I had just had brunch and was not tempted by the cornucopia of dair y and meat displays that swarmed me. However, my friend Bonnie craved something small and sweet, so we decided to stop off at the Future Baker y booth, where I was finally swayed by the siren call of pastel macarons. One bite turned out to be more than enough, but I never really had much of a sweet tooth any way.

We then walked a surprisingly shor t distance to the main romantic destination of the day: Toronto’s First Post Office (260 Adelaide Street East). As someone who writes a newspaper column, there is nothing sexier to me than the written word. Even cynics have to admit that there’s something intensely romantic about the ar t of letter writing. Toronto’s oldest post office still functions as a full-ser vice post office and also houses a PW YC museum run by the

NEIL MACISAAC STRANDED EDITOR

Town of York Historical Society. The Canada Post office and a tiny gift shop are located in the front hall, while museum exhibits on pre-Confederation postal histor y are in two smaller rooms yonder. The first room mimics a historical layout, complete with aged wooden furnishings, a fireplace, and an old printing press. Along the walls hang displays of correspondences and coinage dating to the early 1800s. The second room is mostly taken up by a scale model of Toronto in 1937.

Visitors are invited to tr y their hand at writing with earlier writing implements like quills and ink on the tables in the first room. For two dollars, the staff gave my love letter the full 1800s treatment with special paper, stamps, wax seal and all. We were fascinated by the postmaster’s wax-melting and letter-folding technique and convinced her to squeeze as many colour ful postage stamps as she could onto the front of my letter. Despite the fact that the museum was the smallest we’ve ever been to, my companion and I were thoroughly charmed—not only did the visit appeal to our interest in historical buildings but, as my companion confided to me earlier, “First dates are always better when you have something to do.”

After the post office, we made our way to Steam Whistle Brewing—The Roundhouse (255 Bremner Boulevard) in hopes of taking a guided tour of their brewer y. I missed Victoria College’s High Ball that was held there a couple of years ago and have wanted to go ever since. Regrettably, I underestimated Easter Weekend, and there were no more spots available on the tour. A cursor y look around revealed that, in addition to alcohol, the building contained a lot of stainless steel, wood, and brick. At the ver y least, we got to sample some of their product. For future reference: tour reser vations can be made Monday to Thursday, but weekend tours are first-come, first-ser ved.

The date could have ended in disappointment, but it turned out that the brewer y was surrounded by the fabulous Roundhouse Park, which is used by the Toronto Rail-

ANGELA SUN

FIFTY FIRST DATES

way Association to exhibit Toronto’s locomotive histor y.

So instead of going to Ripley’s Aquarium nearby, we decided to mill around rusty water towers, miniature train tracks, and the old giants of steam. And pretty soon, in regular student fashion, we were embroiled in a lively but ultimately dishear tening discussion about Chinese railway workers and race politics.

WHAT’S MISSING FROM THE TREVOR NOAH DEBATE

The news that Trevor Noah would take over The Daily Show after less than a year working on it quickly prompted strong criticism of offensive tweets made by Noah as far back as six years ago. The fallout has been the arena of discussion thus far—is Noah a less progressive choice than audiences wanted? Is he facing scrutiny a white comedian wouldn’t? As someone more familiar with Noah for his stand-up comedy, it seemed oddest to me that a comedian whose material has been largely personal and South African had been placed at the helm of American satire.

The closest comparison is John Oliver, who developed under Jon Stewar t for years and spent his youth in another

Western countr y. Noah has only recently become known stateside and has no experience helming a news program, par tly because comedy and satire as institutions are different in South Africa. Both have really only formed postapar theid, and comedy clubs remain nonexistent. A South African friend of mine explained that the rapid-response satire of Stewar t and Oliver is most present in radio and car toonist Jonathan Zapiro, while T V is the territor y of puppet show ZA NE WS and a crop of panel shows similar to those in the UK. Both radio and T V in South Africa deal with international and national affairs, but they and Noah approach the USA as obvious outsiders. Stewar t and

Oliver, by contrast, built reputations targeting news and politicians as agitated insiders.

Noah’s stand-up sensibility is also ver y formal, clean, and personal. He doesn’t fit into a Western audience’s preconceptions of a satirist and his decision to leave South Africa is contrar y to inter views he has given in the past few years. His motivations for taking the job remain unclear for now, but one wonders how open he will be later, given this initial reception.

CARRIE & LOWELL:

Sufjan Stevens explores his past

GEOFF BAILLIE FEATURES EDITOR Carrie & Lowell is the seventh studio album by Sufjan Stevens. Not including Christmas albums and collaborations with other ar tists, this is the first album that Stevens has released since 2010’s Age of Adz. The contrast between the album and Stevens’ prior work is stark; he has shed the synth-pop maximalism of previous albums in favour of simple folk songs, with acoustic guitar and the occasional warm keyboard drone sparingly arranged around his delicate voice.

In this album he tells the stor y of his mother, Carrie, who died of stomach cancer in 2012, and her marriage to Stevens’ stepfather, Lowell. Carrie suffered from schizophrenia and abandoned Stevens when he was three, after which he was raised mostly by Lowell. Stevens has described writing the album as a grieving process—using song writing to work through his reaction to the loss of his mother. The result is an emotionally jarring album that generates an intimacy between Stevens and the listener, afforded by his directness of emotion and unmitigated honesty.

Most fans became familiar with Stevens through his Fifty States Project. The aim of the project was to make an album dedicated to each of the United States, though it was abandoned after only two albums. On 2003’s Michigan and 2005’s Illinoise, Stevens my thologized each state by blending its histor y, notable figures, and landscape with magical realism and religious fantasy. On Carrie & Lowell, Stevens has my thologized his own life. The description of his album issued by his record label, Asthmatic Kitty (which is run by Lowell), calls it “the planting of various philosophies in an aural playground where all is not joyous but there is no absence of joy since the spirit is lifted up by creation.” With this album, Stevens has taken the emotional tumult of his own life, embellished it with detailed imager y, and turned it into an album that uses the creative process to combat the grief of loss.

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goodbye . . .