The Student 06/12/2011

Tuesday December 6 2011 | Week 12

FILM » p20 TOP TEN CHRISTMAS FLICKS Music» p18

C U LT U R E

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S i n c e 1887 T h e U K ' s O ld e st S T ud en t N ews pa p er

S cott ish S t udent Ne wspaper of the Year 2010

Pandas arrive in Edinburgh in time for Christmas

Nina Seale TWO GIANT pandas arrived at Edinburgh Zoo on Sunday, having been flown 5,000 miles on a specially chartered FedEx ‘Panda Express’ plane from their home in China.

The landing of these rare animals marks not only the first time panda paws have set foot in the UK for 17 years, but also represents an important union between Scotland and China.

The eight year old breeding pair Yang Guang (meaning ‘Sunlight’) and Tian Tian (‘Sweetie’) will be acclimatising to their new Scottish habitat until December 16 when they will be revealed to the public.

The ‘gift from China’ was discussed when the Vice Premier of China, Li Kegiang, visited Scotland’s capital in January and the ten year custodianship of the pandas under the Royal Zoological Society of Scotland (RZSS) was announced.

The arrival date was ambiguous until representatives of the China Wildlife Conservation Association

(CWCA) visited the zoo and declared their approval of the panda enclosure last week.

Hugh Roberts, Chief Executive of Edinburgh Zoo, considers they are worth the wait, “We have been looking forward to this moment for five years now, since we first embarked on this epic journey to bring the giant pandas to Scotland.

“Our dedicated team at the Zoo has worked tirelessly to create a world-class enclosure to house our newest additions which will offer visitors a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to view these extraordinary animals.

“The giant pandas will be on loan to us for an initial period of 10 years, in which time we are hopeful that the female, Tian Tian, will give birth to cubs – the first to be born in Scotland.

With the arrival of the giant pandas to Edinburgh, the RZSS has cemented its role in the future research and conservation of one of the world’s most endangered species.”

There are only 15,000 giant pandas left in the wild - and they are listed as ‘endangered’ on the International

Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) Red List - factors such as poaching for their soft fur and meat, as well as serious habitat depletion, are to blame.

The RZSS has forked out huge investments for the pandas, agreeing to pay the Chinese government £640,000 a year for the honour of having giant pandas and spending an estimated £70,000 on their specialised diet of bamboo from China. They plan to grow 15% of the food at the zoo and import the remaining 85% from a specialised bamboo plantation just outside Amsterdam.

The enclosure itself cost about £250,000 with a bullet-proof glass walkway, caves, pools, climbing structures and a nursery.

Edinburgh Zoo should be forewarned by the story of Wang Wang and Funi, giant pandas leant to Adelaide Zoo who brought $57m into South Austrailian economy but almost brought the zoo to bankruptcy - forcing the government and Westpac bank to step in.

Roberts adds “It is also a highly vis-

Vicki Madden

Sheilalau

PANDAMONIUM: Pandas “handled with care” on specially chartered flight from China

Student attacks local in Starbucks row over seat

ible statement of the growing momentum to improve international relations between the UK and China, and a sign that we can further co-operate closely on a broad range of environmental and cultural issues, as well as commerce.”

First Minister Alex Salmond was in China the day the pandas arrived, leading a delegation for a series of government, cultural and business engagements in Beijing and was visiting the historic Eastern Qing Tombs when the pandas touched down.

The Minister is hoping to forge strong bonds with the Chinese people on his trip, saying: “I am delighted to be visiting the great nation of China again. As the world’s fastest growing major economy it is vital that government, business and cultural organisations enhance our already strong ties with China.

We are vigorously promoting Scotland as an attractive place for investment, trade, research, tourism and cultural associations - and that will be my focus when meeting our hosts in China.”

A STUDENT was arrested and charged with breach of the peace last week in Starbucks on Nicolson Street following a disagreement over a seat.

A spokesperson for Lothian and Borders Police told The Student, “A 21-year-old woman has been arrested and charged with a breach of the peace following a disturbance that happened within a premises in Nicolson Street around 2.30pm on Wednesday, November 30.”

The woman went into the Starbucks to study and had left her bag at a seat by the window, according to an onlooker.

After getting coffee, the girl returned to her seat to find another woman, described to be in her “latefifties”, also seated at her table.

A Starbucks employee told The Student, “There wasn’t anything unusual about that. It was really busy so everyone was sharing.”

The student then began shouting at the woman to leave, and when she refused, she asked the Starbucks staff to intervene.

Upon being told that there was nothing the staff could do, the girl took matters into her own hands, spilling a hot drink over the woman.

University of Edinburgh student Elizah Hulseman watched the situation unfold. She told The Student, “She got a venti coffee and poured it all over the woman.”

In retaliation, the woman then took her own drink and poured it over the girl’s laptop, whereupon the girl demanded that the police be called to settle the matter.

“She kept shouting ‘you’re so unfair!’” and refused to allow the woman to leave, said Hulseman.

By the time police arrived on the scene to investigate, the woman had left. After CCTV footage revealed that the student had been the one who incited the brawl, she was immediately arrested.

A member of the Starbucks staff, who was serving customers at the time the confrontation took place told The Student, “the girl had told us that the old woman had started the whole thing, so it wasn’t until we played back the CCTV footage that we realised that wasn’t the case.”

Continued on page six »

Tuesday December 6 2011 studentnewspaper.org

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2 News

Edinburgh students talk money

NEWS >>p2-6

UNION PROTESTS p3 Sam Bradley reports as thousands take to Edinburgh's streets THE FUTURE OF YOUTH UNEMPLOYMENT p4 New minister to be appointed to tackle issue NEW LOOKOUT APP p6 iPhone app launched to improve travel safety

comment >>p8-9

A MASS-IVE MISSIVE p8 Amelia Sanders discusses the moral failings of the Catholic Church

Leo Michelmore

AN ANONYMOUS poll conducted

by The Student indicates that over half of University of Edinburgh students surveyed are no worse off financially than they were at this point at last year.

Unfortunately, 65 per cent of those polled also said that they worried about money, with several respondents blaming a lack of adequate support from the Scottish government’s financial assistance body, the Student Awards Agency for Scotland (SAAS).

One University of Edinburgh student even said that they were so short of money they may not be able to return home for Christmas, explaining, “since SAAS removed the travel refunds this year I now have no idea how I will get home to the northern isles; there are discounts available to islanders but it still adds up to more than I can afford to get home and back.

“The three years previous to this, they have completely messed it up every time … SAAS are one of the

£££: This is all The Student has to get itself through the winter most inept government bodies I’ve ever come across.”

62 per cent of students surveyed said they worked during the holidays to keep themselves afloat during term time, with 85 per cent receiving financial support from their parents.

Questions were also raised over the discrepancy in financial support offered

by English and Scottish funding bodies, with one respondent claiming that, “in terms of student support, there can be no doubt that English students receive a better deal than their Scottish counterparts. Whilst they may have to

eventually pay back what they receive, this will only apply when they are earning enough to afford to pay back the loans.

“Every English student gets £3,500 support, regardless of parental income.

Scottish students, on the other hand, can receive as little as £900 a year.

“It’s high time the SNP put aside the rhetoric and stopped claiming they’ve made higher education free for all in Scotland ... higher education in Scotland is funded by an additional tax on many hard-working families at a time when they can least afford it.”

SO, PIZZA'S A VEGETABLE NOW p9 Tess Malone on this ridiculous statement

FEATURES >>p10-11 FROSTY THE BINMAN p10 Rebecca Parker investigates holiday season wastage OH LONELY NIGHT p11 Varvara Bashkirova on Christmas holidays for Edinburgh's international students

Reviews >>p18-25 SEASONAL ON THE SOFA p20 Sally Pugh's pick of festive films to get snuggly to CREAM OF THE CROP p22 Ten writers share their favourite albums of 2011 BOURGEOIS BUSINESS TIPS p25 Daniel Swain talks entrepeneurship with Made In Chelsea's Amber Atherton

Sport >>p27-28 A SAD FAREWELL p28 Chris Waugh pays tribute to late football legend Gary Speed

MAKING THE GRADE: Shame the answer to question 16 was 'C'

Leo Michelmore THE UNIVERSITY of Edinburgh has announced that it will be providing graduates with a more detailed record of their extra curricular achievements at university.

The Higher Education Achievement Report, or HEAR, will be given to all students graduating from 2012 onwards in addition to their degree classification, and aims to give students and employers a more detailed record of achievement than just the grade on a degree.

The move comes as a result of growing concern that the current degree classification system is failing to adequately represent the whole spectrum of what students achieve while at university.

The certificate will contain more detailed information about a student’s degree than is currently provided, including marks achieved for individual modules and any academic prizes that have been won.

It will also show any positions held

in societies or sports clubs, as well as whether the student has been a class representative at any point.

Professor Burgess, Chairman of the Burgess Group, the committee recommending the introduction of HEAR, insisted that it was a significant improvement on the traditional degree classification system.

He said, “The UK honours degree is a robust and highly-valued qualification but the honours degree classification system is no longer fit for purpose.

It cannot describe, and therefore does not do full justice to, the range of knowledge, skills, experience and attributes of a graduate in the 21st century.

“We have always sought to do justice to the achievement of students and improve the way in which universities demonstrate the wide range of their achievements.”

In the future, the Burgess Group hopes that the HEAR will come to replace the traditional degree classification system entirely.

A report published by the group said, “The benefits in terms of the richness of the information [the HEAR]

alasdair drennan

The Student Newspaper | 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh, EH8 9TJ Email: editors@studentnewspaper.org

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News 3

Show of strength

Thousands march through city centre in massive union protests Sam Bradley THOUSANDS OF Edinburgh’s public sector workers joined together to march in protest on Wednesday, in a procession that filled the length of the Royal Mile.

Demonstrating against government proposals to change the pension system of public sector workers, the action coincided with public sector strikes and marches across the country.

Between 1.3 and two million union members took part in the walkouts, and the Edinburgh protests involved between 7,500 and 10,000 participants.

32 unions took part in the action.

Scottish Labour leader Iain Gray visited the protest before the main march started.

He told The Student, “Public sector workers have already made huge contributions to trying to deal with the economic crisis; they’ve seen their pay frozen for a number of years, we’ve seen tens of thousands of public sector jobs go – and to ask them to pay more for their pensions and get less is taking it too far – it’s not fair.

“The alternative is negotiated reforms to pensions, if they’re needed.

The general point is that the Tory-Liberal government are cutting back on the public sector too fast and too deep and as a result – we saw this yesterday

in the Autumn statement – actually, they’re making things worse by driving growth out of the economy and raising the prospect of a second recession.”

The march started from Johnston Terrace and continued down the Royal Mile, where it stopped outside the Scottish Parliament for a rally.

Rodney Bickerstaffe, former president of Unison and the UK National Pensioners Convention, spoke to the assembled demonstrators from the top of a double-decker bus.

Slamming the government’s plans, he said, “it’s hurting, it’s hurting already, and it’s going to get much worse.

I don’t know about you, but I’m angry.

“If they think you’ll go home, that

this is a one-off, then they’ll stamp on you. If they think you’re a fool, they’ll stamp on you.

They say we’re greedy – well who was it out in the cold and the fog a few weeks ago, picking up the wreckage and the bits of flesh off the motorway?

They say we’re not caring – but they wouldn’t know caring if it sat on them.

They say we’re not patriotic – but what about the bankers who threatened to leave the country if their taxes went up?

“They say we’re all in this together.

Well we have a phrase in South Yorkshire – ‘all in this my posterior’. This may not be Tahrir Square in Cairo, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important.

"If you don’t stand up to bullies, they’ll walk all over you.”

Union representatives from the Universities and Colleges Union, Trade Union Congress, Prospect and Education Institute Scotland (EIS) and Unison gave speeches to the crowd.

The President of the EIS, Alan Munro, said “I am proud to march alongside my union colleagues today in Edinburgh … to hear the privileged say that our pension system is unsustainable is sickening; we work hard with the guarantee of a pension at the end of our service. We are fighting for dignity and comfort in retirement.”

“They simply want us to pay more tax … to fund the deficit. Scottish teachers have been tolerant long enough. We have accepted a two-year pay freeze. Inflation is running at 5 per cent. We are saying enough is enough.”

ers went on strike across the UK, with Trade Union Congress general secretary Brendan Barber hailing the scale of support for the strikes as, “unprecedented”.

“This is an unprecedented day – 30 unions have members taking action together. We are sending a crystal clear message to the government that we are strong, that we’re united and that our campaign will go on until justice and fairness is delivered for every public servant.”

The industrial action follows months of negotiations, with union chiefs criticising the government’s plans to raise the age of retirement, while simultaneously making public sector workers pay larger contributions to their pensions.

Meanwhile, Chancellor George Osborne has condemned the strikes, pointing to the potentially negative impact on the economy.

He said, “It is only going to make our economy weaker and potentially

cost jobs.

afford and our taxpayers can afford.

“That is what we should be doing today, not seeing these strikes.”

Just 30 out of 2,700 schools in Scotland remained open, with 400,000 NHS healthcare staff walking out of hospitals across the UK. A second year politics student told The Student of his support for the protests, but expressed doubts as to whether they would make an impact.

He said, “of course it’s important that people voice their objections.

“My only worry is that [the protests] won’t make any difference – if the government can’t afford the current pension scheme then … that’s not going to change because of some protests.”

Marches against the government’s proposals were also held in Glasgow, Aberdeen, Dundee, and Inverness.

You can see The Student's photo record of the march down the Royal Mile at http://t.co/4bUtHbex

Millions strike across United Kingdom

Leo Michelmore

THREE HUNDRED thousand of Scotland’s public sector employees are estimated to have gone on strike last Wednesday as part of a UK-wide walkout opposing the government’s proposed changes to state pensions.

In Edinburgh, all schools, museums, galleries and libraries were closed, as at least 7,500 protesters marched down the Royal Mile to Scottish Parliament.

Supporting the demonstrators, Alan Munro, President of the Educational Institute of Scotland, Scotland’s largest teaching Union, gave a speech at a rally outside Parliament.

He said, “I am proud that we are able to march with our fellow trade union colleagues … to fight the totally unjustified and unacceptable attack that the Westminster government is trying to make on our pensions.

“

We are sending a crystal clear message to the government that we are strong, that we're united and that our campaign will go on until justice and fairness is delivered for every public servant.”

Brendan Barber, general secretary of the Trade Union Congress An estimated two million work-

“

My only worry is that the protests won't make any difference – if the government can't afford the current pension scheme then that's not going to change because of some protests” 2nd year University of Edinburgh politics student “Let’s get back round the negotiating table, let’s get a pension deal that is fair to the public sector, that gives decent pensions for many, many decades to come but which this country can also

Tuesday December 6 2011 studentnewspaper.org

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4 News

Anna Brand

The Scottish National Portrait Gallery is now open after a complete restoration that has been ongoing since the museum closed in April 2009. It is the first major renovation that the gallery has had since it opened in 1889 and has cost £17.6m, funded by the Heritage Lottery Fund.

The new and improved gallery has sixty per cent more floor space, as areas have been redecorated and opened up, providing exciting new opportunities for innovative exhibitions and a fullscale modernisation of the museum.

The gallery on Queen Street opened again to the public on December 1, and now reflects a timeline of Scottish achievement from the medieval period to the present day.

One of the major changes has been the inclusion of photographic portraits and other visual and auditory media, giving the gallery a more contemporary feel and allowing the museum to show off its varied range of Scottish talent, from famous scientists to actors like David Tennant.

These portraits are now housed alongside ones of kings, queens, and a 1966 photograph of Bob Dylan walking along Princes Street.

Before the renovation, the gallery's director James Holloway told

BBC News: ������������������������� “������������������������ You had to be a sort of eminent dead Scot, we’re much more, sort of, relaxed about that, so you can certainly be alive, and really anybody of interest.”

John Leighton, director-general of the National Galleries of Scotland, told the BBC, “the new Scottish National Portrait Gallery will be a superb setting to showcase rich traditions of Scottish art and photography.

“It is also a forum where issues of history and identity come to life through art, perhaps, above all, it is a place where individual and collective stories and memories come together to create a fascinating and imaginative portrait of a nation.”

Stana Nenadic, lecturer in the School of History, Classics and Archaeology at the University of Edinburgh has been heavily involved in the restoration of a number of Edinburgh’s public museums and galleries. She told The Student that it was “a beautiful restoration of a muchloved art gallery which combines old with new.” She commented also that it would be nice to see so much more on display, as there has previously not been enough space to exhibit large portions of the museum’s vast collection.

With these changes, the National Portrait Gallery is the second largest collection of portraits in the world.

PORTRAIT OF A NATION: The gallery, which has been closed since 2009, re-opened last Saturday

New youth employment minister to be appointed Alexandra Taylor

A YOUTH employment minister will be appointed by the Scottish Government in a bid to tackle the growing number of young Scots without work.

The dedicated government minister will receive a budget of £30 million to help young people with training, work and education.

Across Scotland there are currently more than 100,000 16 to 24-year-olds out of work.

First Minister, Alex Salmond announced the move after Labour leader, Iain Gray claimed Scotland was in the midst of a “national crisis”.

Iain Gray said, “Alex Salmond seems finally to get the point the SNP Government has not done enough to tackle youth unemployment.

“This is a national crisis, a crisis for Scotland, because of the profound threat it poses to the future prosperity, future equality and future fairness of our society.”

The new Minister for Youth Employment, joining Mr Salmond’s team, will be announced before Parliament breaks for Christmas recess and will receive a salary of £81,449 along with their MSP pay.

Mr Salmond said, “at next Tuesday’s cabinet a proposal will be brought forward to appoint a minister for youth employment.”

“We face unprecedented economic challenges and we know that more needs to be done. This Government’s key commitment is to those young people who yearn to be productive.

“No young person should go through school only to become an unemployment statistic at the age of 16.”

He also said that Finance Secretary John Swinney would be involved in talks with local authorities, voluntary organisations, colleges and private sector employers to establish how the new funding could be best used.

The announcement also follows an independent report last week by the Smith Group which warned youth unemployment would “remain a serious national issue” for some time and called for such a post to be established.

Lord Smith, who led the Smith Group, said he was “absolutely delighted” the new position was being created.

The creation of the post means the Scottish Government will have 20 elected politicians in its ministerial team - the same number as the teams of the three previous first ministers - Donald Dewar, Henry McLeish and Jack McConnell.

Robin Parker, President of NUS Scotland, said, “with youth unemployment at alarming levels in Scotland, £30m of new funding and a Minister to specifically tackle the problem is great news.

“Lots of young people across Scotland, whether school leavers, or college or university graduates, are very worried about their futures and we look forward to working with the new Minister to make sure education, training, and employment opportunities are available to them.

“We have been campaigning hard for the Scottish Government to provide the money colleges need to protect student support, places, quality and local access to campuses.

“I hope that a significant part of this new money can go towards helping to achieve that.”

EMILY JARRETT

Gallery re-opens after renovation

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News 5

University applications from Scots tumble

Katie Cunningham

UNIVERSITY APPLICATIONS from Scottish candidates have fallen faster than those from any other part of the UK. UCAS has announced that there has been a 17 per cent drop in applications in Scotland.

Applications from Scottish school leavers to English universities have declined from 1871 at this point last year to 1513 this year, almost 20 per cent lower, and applications to Scottish institutions are down by 16 per cent, from 4829 last year to 4048 this year.

There has also been a drop of a 7.6 per cent in English students applying to study in Scotland.

The drop, is higher than the UK average, and it has been proposed that this is due to the fact that the average fees in Scotland are higher than in the rest of the UK. Scottish students will continue to study for free if they choose to remain in Scotland.

This follows a similar announcement in England, and all will come into effect on August 1 2012.

These changes have drawn criticism from a number of sources, including NUS president Robin Parker, who stated that the change will damage the higher education system.

He said, “We cannot accept the excesses we’ve seen from some Scottish principals for this coming year, with mortgage-level degree costs and

no protection for widening access for students from England, Wales and Northern Ireland.”

Scottish Education Secretary Mike Russell was also critical of university fees decisions. He told the Scottish Parliament’s education committee last week that, “I don’t agree with what they did and they know I don’t agree with what they did. There should have been greater restraint.”

He said that he is “diametrically opposed” to the changes, believing that education should ideally be free.

Aside from students, he also mentioned the potential effects on the universities, namely that this will greatly impact their application numbers.

“They could have disadvantaged themselves. They have the most Rest

of UK (RUK) students at present, but we don’t know the outcome. It could be that the pattern of RUK students could change because of this.”

Currently the universities of St Andrews and Edinburgh are the most popular in Scotland with outside students, attracting 40 per cent of all applications between them.

He said he hoped to introduce legislation in the new year which would help widen access to higher education and said he had not given up on finding a Scottish solution to the “flawed” funding arrangements brought in by Westminster.

While neither university has officially responded to the statistics, the University of St Andrews has announced that its applications from

RUK students went up this year by 17.5 per cent and applications from Scottish students increased by 12 per cent.

However, the fee changes were not decided during the application period.

Russell also connected the fall in Scottish applications to the fees, saying that the “noise” around them would worry applicants.

Stressing that the Scottish Parliament should act more independently and should have found a different way to solve the problems, Russell stated “I don’t want our policy on higher education to be set in perpetuity in response to what I think is a flawed policy south of the Border.”

Holyrood Park speed limit set to be cut

Edinburgh Greens

Zoe Tautz-Davis

SLOW DOWN: Jeremy Clarkson is enraged (again)

A NEW 20 mph speed limit may be given the green light in Holyrood Park in an attempt to prevent congestion.

After 35 years of campaigning, members of Duddingston Village Conservation Society have convinced councillors to support plans to cut the speed limit through the park from 30 mph to 20 mph in order to avoid gridlock in and around Duddingston village.

Transport officials had reported that large numbers of drivers in the park were speeding, with 15 per cent of Holyrood Park Low Road users driving at 40 mph in a 30 mph zone.

As well as this, over 7000 vehicles have been counted on the narrow Old Church Lane daily.

Residents in the village had been raising road safety concerns as well as complaining of road rage incidents, linked to the heavy traffic in the area.

Councillor Gary Peacock, who led the group on the project, believes that by reducing the speed limit Holyrood Park would become a safer place for pedestrians and cyclists.

He added, “It is difficult because we can’t stop people using Duddingston village because it would put too much pressure on other routes, but we can try to make the situation better with the right balance, I think.”

As one of the largest inner city green spaces in Europe, many local residents feel that congestion in and around the park ruins the landscapes.

Furthermore, Duddingston Village itself is a conservation area, and many residents are keen to remove the traffic and congestion from the area.

Historic Scotland has authority over the roads through Holyrood Park. Councillor Ewan Aitkin who put forward the motion involving traffic stated, “Historic Scotland needs to understand that they have a responsibility to their neighbours.”

After the council meeting he said, “this is a short step in a long journey, but it is a positive one.”

Local resident, Sasha Edye-Lindner stated, “I am in favour of these changes. It would be nice to be able to have the park as the pollution free haven it should be.”

Campaigners call for legal reform outside the Scottish Parliament

Varvara Bashkirova Last Thursday activists associated with the group New Fathers 4 Justice held a demonstration outside the Scottish Parliament lobbying for the rights of fathers to see their children after a divorce.

The protestors were dressed in Santa Claus costumes and were holding gifts representing presents they will not able to give to their children during Christmas.

The activists stayed outside the Parliament until noon, at which point they marched up the Royal Mile.

According to Scottish law, a child’s mother gets priority as primary caregiv-

er following a divorce, while the father frequently has to be assessed on their access to their children.

One of the campaigners, David Hawksworth, told The Student, “What we are campaigning for is merely a right to have our children back.

"We have to be assessed if we are good enough to see our own flesh and blood.”

Having already raised two children, Mr Hawksworth was prohibited from seeing his third child after the mother moved to Dundee.

Earlier this year he was jailed for placing balloons outside his son’s school for his birthday, as his actions were described as “threatening” by Dundee police, as was reported in The Courier in June.

The New Fathers 4 Justice advocate an automatic presumption of equal contact with the children when the parents split up as a starting point, as is the case in other European countries such as Switzerland.

“In Scotland it is a financial issue” said Mr Hawksworth, “Imagine if such

a law was implemented here: government would lose a huge amount of work places such as social workers, lawyers and so on.

“Our government still lives in the Victorian age, where a woman is seen as someone to look after children and manage the kitchen.”

The leaders of Grandparents Apart UK, the charitable organisation working closely with New Fathers 4 Justice, were also lobbying for their cause outside Parliament on that day.

Jimmy Deuchar, leader of the campaign said, “At the moment, if one of the parents, or both of them, cannot support their child, social services interfere immediately and take over, without even consulting grandparents; strangers have more control over children’s lives than their family does.”

“We are campaigning for the Charter for Grandchildren to be legalised after it was proposed to the Parliament back in 2005. It would grant grandparents [the] right to take part in their grandchildren’s lives.”

ENRAGED: Would Jeremy Clarkson be enraged by this too?

varvara Bashkirova

New Fathers 4 Justice take on Scottish Parliament

Tuesday December 6 2011 studentnewspaper.org

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6 News

Continued from page one

Starbucks staff also said that the woman’s son came into the store later that evening and revealed that the girl would be charged with assault if his mother decided to press charges.

However, the police have stated that the girl was only charged with breach of the peace, suggesting that no such charges were followed through.

If the student involved was an international student, the repercussions could be more serious; possible consequences including deportation.

The UK Border Agency reserves deportation only for persons over the age of seventeen who have been recommended for deportation by a court of law and who have been convicted of an offence punishable with imprisonment.

The University of Edinburgh Code of Practice for Student Criminal Convictions and Disclosure Assessment states that the university requires a Basic Disclosure from students when they have committed “any kind of violence including (but not limited to) threatening behaviour, offences concerning the intention to harm or offences which resulted in actual bodily harm.”

However, as the student was not charged with assault, the consequences of her offence are unclear.

App could make the meadows safer Gillian MacPherson A new iPhone app has been launched to improve student safety by alerting friends or family if an individual fails to arrive safely at their destination.

The LookOut Call app is designed to allow individuals to record a message detailing their plans or route and the time they expect it will take them to get home from a night out for example.

“

It's a shame you've got to pay for this - people aren't as likely to use it.

Personal safety is really important at night time and we need all the help we can get.”

Charlie Turnbull, 1st year History student

An alarm is then set for the time when the student is expected to arrive at their destination. If the student does not disable the alarm when they arrive safely and does not key in the code when the timer runs out and the alarm goes off, then friends and family will automatically be alerted to the situation.

The app will call friends and family members listed as responders and allow them to listen to the student’s

message regardless of whether the student’s phone is out of battery, lost or even destroyed.

The technology is already widely used commercially to help improve the safety of lone workers, but individuals will now able to download the app for a subscription fee paid over a period of time between 30 and 180 days.

Charlie Turnbull, a 1st year History student, told The Student "it's a shame you've got to pay for this, because it's a really good idea - people aren't as likely to use it. Personal safety is really important at nighttime and we need all the hlp we can get."

Its launch comes at a time when safety is a particular concern for Edinburgh students following two recent attacks on women near to the university.

In the past month two women have been sexually assaulted in separate incidents whilst passing through the Meadows.

A group of students have already taken action to improve the safety of students walking home in the dark and have organised a walking bus initiative to ensure that students do not have to walk through the Meadows and across the Bruntsfield Links alone at night.

Each walking bus has at least one male and one female chaperone and leaves from the Hugh Robson Building throughout the night until 3.30am. To arrange a chaperone students are asked to call 07925 580 813.

ALERT: The app warns friends if you do not return home

Dual CONCISE CLUES

CRYPTIC CLUES

Across 1. Study of the world's features, very Scot tish (love chart included) (9) 6. Silence may be relative (3) 8. The French possess right to take shelter in port (2, 5) 9. A sort of pink girl (5) 10. Load vehicle has to depart (5) 11. Rouse those in power with quiet anger (7) 12. Enlargement produced by magician, if not disturbed (13) 15. Wicked beat leads on to a Latin dance (7) 17. Bring back something useful for a girl (5) 19. One with grand 'office' in freezing house (5) 20. Running, diving-bird turned round floating mountain (7) 22. Arthur's half destroyed sailor (3) 23. Relation's friend and target (4, 5)

Down 1. Get on well with the Spanish after gala's opening (3) 2. In Orlando the rain's not the same (5) 3. Take Viola frolicking on island to get Italian food (7) 4. Rain perhaps in a great rush (13) 5. Talks on and on after Younger's first cask is distributed (5) 6. Bird has one alcoholic drink (7) 7. Annie misguidedly supports factory for ages (9) 10. Grumble in bed about maiden that's unattractive (9)

Across 1 Study of places, rivers etc (9) 6 Close relative (3) 8 French port (2, 5) 9 It makes reefs, and atolls (5) 10 Transported goods (5) 11 Breathe in (7) 12 Enlargement (13) 15 Latin American dance (7) 17 Girl’s name (5) 19 House of snow (5) 20 Titanic sinker (7) 22 Sailor Jack (3) 23 Fairground target (4, 5)

13. It's better to walk slowly in Greece (7) 14. She may be cast, (and recast) as terminally crazy (7) 16. Greeting with a look and a hot accusation at first (5) 18. The lady will briefly remove outer layers (5) 21. A chap to make fun of (3)

Down 1 Haircare product (3) 2 Different (5) 3 Stuffed pasta (7) 4 Rain, hail or snow (13) 5 Rabbits on (5) 6 American cocktail (7) 7 Thousands of years (9) 10 Gripe : illness (9) 13 He plays the odds (7) 14 She plays her part (7) 16 Hawaian greeting (5) 18 Outer covering (5) 21 Supportive rope (3)

By Picus Solutions to Dual Crossword No. 1 Across.

1. PARTISANS Synonym, 6. POP Synonyms, p + op, 8. NONSTOP no + n + post*, 9. IRONS iron + S, 10. AMONG ng after a mo, 11.OPINION O + pinion (feather), 12.ADVERTISEMENT (Venerate midst)*, 15. TITANIA a preceded by Titan + I, 17. BASIL synonym (simple = herb), 19. ERRED [deer + r)*, 20 ERRATIC (I care + rt)* right = rt, 22.DON Synonym - (mafia) family, 23. ETYMOLOGY (gloomy yet)*.

Down.

1. PEN Synonym, 2. RINGO call + O, 3. INTEGER contained clue ‘print, eg erroneously’, 4. APPROXIMATELY a + pp + (ox inside RI) + tamely*, 5. SCI-FI sc (scilicet) + IF (poem) + I, 6. PROFILE pro + file, 7. POST-NATAL Natal (S Africa) supports post (letters), 10. APARTHEID apart + hide*, 13. VETERAN vet + era + n, 14. EMBARGO ‘em + bar + go, 16. NUDGE n (knight) replaces J of judge, 18. SET TO set + to, 21. CRY Synonym. * = anagram of the preceding material - word(s) and / or letters

Lookoutcall

Student arrested in coffee shop

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�������� Tuesday ��������� December �� 6 ����� 2011 studentnewspaper.org

Editorial 7

Editorial

The Student finds a Gosling in its stocking and gives thanks

Join us!

The Student is always looking for budding reporters, reviewers, illustrators, photographers, and designers to join our team. We're also hunting for recruits for our marketing and events teams.

OUR CHRISTMAS WISH-LIST A lie-in: The perfect lie-in is obtained neither by preparation nor purchase. Its components: soundtrack of rain, foot cave (the pocket of warmth in your duvet that protects your feet from outside perils), indebted flatmate to bring tea and toast.

A Mum-made meal: Becky- Chicken paprika stew on potato and swede mash, with apple and berry crumble and custard for dessert mmmm...

Zoe- Roast dinner, roast beef, roast beef! Yorkshire puddings, roast parsnips, lots of peas...and amazing potatoes.

No experience necessary!

If you're interested, here’s how to track us down: » In person: Meetings in January will be every Tuesday in Teviot Dining Hall at 1.15pm.

Socials: Tuesdays in The Counting House at 8.30pm. » By email: editors@studentnewspaper.org » On Facebook: tinyurl.com/StudentFacebook » On Twitter: twitter.com/TheStudentPaper A quick history lesson...

The Student was launched by Scottish novelist and poet Robert Louis Stevenson in 1887 as an independent voice for Edinburgh's literati. It is Britain's oldest student newspaper and is an independent publication, reaching more than 15,000 University of Edinburgh students every week.

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Lord Kitchener, David Lloyd George and Winston Churchill are a few of the famous people who have been associated

Disclaimer

The Student welcomes letters for publication. The editors, however, reserve the right to edit or modify letters for clarity. Anonymous letters will not be printed but names will be witheld on request. The letters printed are the opinions of individuals outwith The Student and do not represent the views of the editors or the paper as a whole.

Editors Zoe Blah/Rebecca Chan

News Sam Bradley/Alasdair Drennan/Lewis MacDonald/Leo Michelmore Comment Nick Dowson/Daniel Kraemer/Tess Malone Features Nina Bicket/Cameron Taylor Lifestyle Sophie Craik/Lilidh Kendrick Tech Tom Hasler Herring Max Johnson/Guy Rughani/Ben Scally Culture Thom Louis/Michael Mackenzie Music Joshua Angrave/Anna Feintuck/Tom Kinney Film Kirsty Wareing/Ali Quaile TV Daniel Swain Commission Kathryn Lloyd Sport Davie Heaton/Chris Waugh Copy editors Melissa Geere/Carl O’Gorman

Photo editor Emily Jarrett Multimedia Luke Healey/Anna Feintuck Web editor Lewis Dunne/ Mayumi Ihara-Quinones Illustration Commissioner Cat O'Neil President Lewis Dunne Secretary Varvara Bashkirova Treasurer Helen Stride  Student Newspaper, 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh, EH8 9TJ  editors@studentnewspaper.org

Student Newspaper, 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh EH8 9TJ. Tel: 0131 650 9189. The Student lists links to third party websites, but does not endorse them or guarantee their authenticity or accuracy. © Student Newspaper Society. All rights reserved. No section in whole or part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmited in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without prior permission of the publisher. The Student is published by the Student Newspaper Society, 60 Pleasance, Edinburgh EH8 9TJ. Distributed by Lothian Couriers, 3 John Muir Place, Dunbar EH42 1GD. Tel: 01368 860115. Printed

by Cumbrian Newsprint (part of the CN Group), Carlisle Print Centre, Newspaper House, Dalston Road, Cumbria CA2 5UA, on Monday October 31 2011. Tel: 01228 612600. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Office.

ONE EXTRA WISH Ryan Gosling in tacky Christmas apparel.

Don't listen to Graham Norton, Ryan is still the one we want to cut out and keep.

These hearts are still loyal.

Superpowers: Zoe- To be able to pause time and have a nap.

Becky- The power to say “feck it” like Zoe. Some top quality escapism: Whether it’s Harry Potter when you’re twelve and reading it for the first time or Fred & Ginger films when you’re enduring the Great Depression, a book or film you can lose yourself in is a rare treat.

Hohohohohohohohoho!

Love, Zoe & Becky XOXOXOXO

Tuesday December 6 2011 studentnewspaper.org

8 Comment

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A Mass-ive Missive Christmas is often seen as the Christian season of acceptance, love and toleration. Yet last Wednesday marked the start of the ‘Scotland For Marriage’ campaign against same-sex marriages, which is being supported by the Catholic Church. This action is a response to the Scottish government’s consultation on the possibility of religious ceremonies for civil partnerships and the introduction of same sex marriages. If legislation goes ahead, religious bodies that choose not to support gay marriage will not be required to perform these weddings or civil partnerships.

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When one considers that this is an institution whose reason for existing is a moral one, the maintenance of certain stances becomes even more incomprehensible" Even though I am Catholic, I find it impossible to support many of the views that the church espouses. It is astonishing that an organisation in the modern world can have someone at its head who described homosexuality as a ‘disorder’; this would not be accepted had this been the remark of the leader of a country or a CEO of a large corporation. When one considers that this is an institution whose reason for existing is a moral one, the maintenance

of certain stances becomes even more incomprehensible. Surely the idea of love thy neighbour allows for ensuring that said neighbour does not contract AIDS or can celebrate their commitment to the person that they love?

It is curious that many of the Church’s most controversial viewpoints are about sexual relations. The irony is that those telling us what to do about sex are precisely those who aren’t getting any. These are extremely personal issues with no real moral element to them, therefore the pettiness of the Church’s preoccupation with them is particularly stark when contrasted with all the preventable deaths from disease, war and starvation that take place every day. Despite all these social evils occurring daily, the chaps in the Vatican have found the time to sit down and form opinions on something that is really none of their business.

Of course, the Catholic Church is notoriously conservative – with their last attempt at radical social change probably taking place in the sixteenth century. It is perhaps too much to hope that they will suddenly start handing out condoms in Swaziland, but asking that they do not directly damage the well-being and happiness of those under their influence is a ridiculous request. It is fine for members of the Church to cherish certain beliefs about marriage or abortion, but it becomes a problem when those views start to do direct damage to others.

We cannot dismiss the Catholic Church as just another archaic institution like the monarchy – an old-fashioned body that seems a bit silly, but ultimately does no real harm and is

PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE : Would you trust this Santa with your children? good for fancy occasions. The Catholic Church retains its function and wields great influence; through its more than a billion followers and its vast wealth, which is perhaps unequalled by any other organisation in the world. However, sometimes this power operates to allow the perpetration of shocking acts.

Some children in the Church’s care were sexually abused for decades over three continents without exposure.

This was partially because it was an endemic problem within the organisation that those in charge undertook to hush up.

Although the Catholic Church’s views make one question this as a Christian season of acceptance, love

Something Fishy

and toleration, there is another pertinent image of Christmas: the soup kitchens and homeless projects that serve up a meal for those in need. This image springs to mind as an anti-consumerist option for those seeking a more worthwhile pursuit during the holiday season. The day-to-day running of these charities is often kept up by religious bodies, including Catholic parishes, working at a local level. This is just one of the hundreds of examples of the often unacknowledged good done by men and women acting within the Church at a grass roots level.

There seems to be a lack of cohesion between the doctrinal approach of the official position and the practical reali-

Flickr elkit

During Christmas time it's important that the Catholic Church remembers the meaning of the holiday, argues Amelia Sanders

ties for those involved in the Church.

Huge emphasis is placed on literally interpreting the lines of the Bible at the expense of looking at the consequences that certain approaches may have.

There seems to be no place in the minds of those in charge for the balanced and contemporary approach seen in encounters with most Catholics.

For Christians, Advent is seen as even more important than Christmas, as it is intended as the time they prepare for Christ and thus examine their lives in a moral way. Perhaps this year the Church should take its own advice and consider whether it is in a fit state to meet its maker.

Daniel Swain hooks into Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's criticisms of the EU's Common Fisheries Policy Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s latest political campaign against ‘that crazy EU’ is full of holes and risks becoming quite accidentally right-wing. But whilst it does outline a potential problem with overfishing, it ignores the fact that EU policy has actually been quite successful, and fails to recognise the difficulties of crafting an efficient policy for such a complex ecosystem as those of all the seas of Europe.

Hugh is ticked off about the European Union’s Common Fisheries Policy (CFP), which imposes quotas on fishermen of various nationalities in order to prevent over-fishing. Fishing presenting something of what economists like to call a ‘tragedy of the commons’, there is no incentive for fisherman to not fish loads, but the result of them doing so would be fish extinction. And that’s bad – people like fish (I’m going to try and keep this as

quirky as possible. Because it’s about fish).

Oft quoted figures say that at current trends, fish stocks in the North Sea will be gone in 50 years and that a sizable percentage, around 40 percent of all fish caught by North Sea fishermen are ‘discarded’ – thrown back into the sea. Many of these fish then go on to die and have little fishy funerals.

This presents an obvious problem, as it depletes fish stocks without them being caught – it’s a bit of a waste, and people don’t like waste. Grr. Waste.

The reason discarding happens is because fishermen catch a wide variety of species of fish at once, the quota levels of which are all different. Fish hauls are indistinguishable until the catching process is complete. Thus, one huge haul can result in either an entire load being thrown back into the sea or none being thrown back at all.

Whilst discarding is a problem with

the CFP, it is trivial when considered alongside the CFP’s success. The CFP has reduced lands, the amount of fish caught that are brought ashore, to about a third of its 1970 level – after the policy was introduced. The incredibly simplistic policy has achieved its initial objective, despite having problems.

Even considering those fish which are discarded, less fish are being caught now than before.

In addition to ignoring the CFP’s effectiveness in reducing fishing levels, albeit crudely, Hugh’s grand campaign doesn’t seem to have any actual objective besides getting EU leaders to talk about reforming the fisheries policy, without presenting any real alternative policy which ceases the practice of discards. He demands vast ‘reforms’ immediately. Furthermore, Hugh’s worry about depleting fish stocks is not necessarily compatible with his grave, emotional concern over quotas. Whilst

complex policies could be enacted to deemed to be over generous, so surely reduce waste, some waste is inevitable the correct response is to restrict quoin any bureaucratic system. tas further.

Whilst this may have a negative effect on the fishing industry, isn’t the Whilst complex main lesson to draw from this that fishing is fundamentally unsustainable policies could be and thus needs systemically changenacted to reduce ing? Of course, the real problem is our ‘tastes’. If humans liked the fish that waste, some waste lived closer to the shore, we could have a much more efficient fishing industry is inevitable in any that could benefit from fish farmbureaucratic system." ing and closer monitoring. The fact we don’t like them is admittedly, toEven worse, Hugh’s rage at EU tally our problem. But Whittingstall’s authorities and consumers for having moaning about us ‘rediscovering’ our the gall not to have the taste for certain taste is somewhat useless, what would fish, something explored below, seems probably be necessary is a system of to miss the main culprit. If fishing is pricing and subsidies to price crappy so inefficient that they have to dispose fish into the taste market. But no one of half the fish they catch, surely they would like that. It’d be ‘totalitarian’, should go back to the pissing draw- another imposition by ‘those unelected ing board. EU fishing quotas are also bureaucrats in Brussels’.

“

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Tuesday December 6 2011 studentnewspaper.org

Comment 9

You say tomato...

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If we’re too successful at our deception children will never be able to make healthy decisions in the long term because they won’t even be aware they exist."

FLICKR: Theirhistory

Tess Malone questions the values of vegetables in school lunches

During the holiday season we trade toast for gingerbread at breakfast, dip into fondue instead of soup for lunch and pretend the mince in pies is meat for a hearty dinner. Our diets start to resemble that of Buddy the Elf ’s, but thankfully candy canes grow stale by January and we can return to deluding ourselves that we actually like whole grains. However, the sugar rush is only revving up for school children. Thanks to lawmakers in the US and UK, chil-

program to decrease childhood obesity by cutting out potatoes yet upping the greens in the cafeteria and only considering pizza a health food if it uses more than a quarter cup of tomato paste. In effect, sodium would be reduced by half within a decade. However, Congress and its chief proponents, the food companies that supply both the pizza and money, thought it was too expensive. Conveniently, they disregarded that they spent $5.6 million lobbying against the program. With the American economy on the mend, $11 billion seems extravagant in the short-term, but according to a 2006 study by the Center for Disease Control, obesity costs $147 billion annually. You do the math.

dren will have to worry about not just their times tables, but also obesity.

A few weeks ago, the US Congress oxymoronically declared pizza a vegetable. Congress claims that a quarter cup of tomato paste is equivalent to one serving of vegetables. This is like saying a Bloody Mary is a salad. Pizza may be a school lunch favourite, but Congress is playing Scrooge here, not Santa. The bill was passed in order to thwart the Agriculture Department’s $11 billion

Calling Dominoes synonymous with an aubergine affects more than just a child’s waistline. Forget about teaching vocabulary if children won’t even know what a real vegetable is. Children should know what they’re eating. This is why Jessica Seinfeld’s 2008 cookbook Deceptively Delicious was criticised when it proclaimed you should sneak vegetables into your children’s lunchbox – spinach brownies, anyone? If we’re too successful at our deception children will never be able to make healthy decisions in the long term because they won’t even be aware they exist.

That being said, we can’t just serve up a plate of spinach and expect kids to gobble it up like Pop-Eye. These

No pass for UCAS

changes need to be implemented gradually. Although the motivations behind Congress’ law are in their best interest, not the children’s, they may be on to something; children already love pizza, so why not make it better for them?

If the crust is wholegrain and topped with low-fat cheese, pizza can be both nutritionally beneficial and as familiar as Pizza Hut. According to GOP candidate, Herman Cain, pizza with vegetables isn’t real pizza, but he’s not exactly a man of proven fact. As he told GQ, “A manly man don’t want it piled high with vegetables! He would call that a sissy pizza.”

The US may have Herman Cain against its children, but the UK is armoured with Jamie Oliver. Somehow this mockney chef exists in the same country that brought you deep fried pizza. Nevertheless, like benevolent Bob Cratchit, he ushered in healthier school lunches in Greenwich in 2005 and within less than two years test scores and attendance rose in comparison to neighbouring boroughs. After this came a 2005 law that banned junk food from being sold in vending machines and salt and sugar saturated foods in favour of vegetables.

The original law meant that parents would have more say about what their children eat, but now England’s new academy schools, which don’t have to comply with this law, are coming under pressure to bring back junk food. The government expects schools to act in their students’ best interest, but what that really means is that they’ll act in what the parents deem the best interest.

Parents are both the cause and cure for obesity. What’s on a lunch tray wouldn’t matter if kids could rely on healthy meals at home. School lunches are only the precursor to recess for children, and what they really do notice is what their parents serve for breakfast and dinner.

When breakfast is a Pop-Tart and dinner McDonald’s, tomato paste and all it entails is the least of our worries.

The drop in university applications is cause for concern, argues Yasmin Morgan-Griffiths It’s safe to say that the majority of the student body feels cheated by the coalition and particularly the Lib Dems whom we supported so hopefully in the 2010 elections as our only hope of defence against the consequences of education cuts. For some time now, the speculative future of higher education has been characterised by a number of words beginning with the letter that commonly denotes a mediocre grade: that is, Disorientation, Dissatisfaction, and Disappointment.

Recent news that the number of university applications has declined by 13 per cent this year in comparison with 2010 figures has been attributed to school leavers’ attempts last year to get in before the extortionate fees, which will be in effect from the beginning of next academic year. The troubling issue now is what impact the tuition fee rises of up to £9000 will have on future university applications.

Some might argue that the reduced number of applications is a positive statistic, that the effect of this will be to sift out those who are pursuing ‘less valuable’ degrees, the less academically able, as well as dithering potential applicants who are not sure if university is the right path for them, but are feeling under pressure from societal or parental expectations. A

factor which makes students think twice before rushing into a decision which will affect their career path is not entirely negative. Less competition for places on high demand courses and reducing overcrowding in the most prestigious academic institutions may be the silver lining for those who are desperate for a place and are have a clear goal in mind.

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It is ridiculous to discriminate between 'useful' and 'useless' degrees."

However, it is ridiculous to discriminate between ‘useful’ and ‘useless’ degrees; the ongoing debate about the comparative value of science and arts degrees has been a source of irritation for many students ever since the question of rising fees became an issue. People studying arts develop skills which are radically different from those doing a science degree, becoming suited to professions unsuitable for those from a solely scientific background. Diversity is essential in a job market which is becoming almost impossibly competitive; we certainly don’t want to see a generation of graduates dominated by a single

discipline, when government funding for humanities is stopped.

What is more, social mobility will be hindered due to students from less affluent families choosing universities charging lower fees over institutions which are considered to be higher quality and therefore able to charge more.

We are also likely to see a higher number of applicants choosing degrees which entitle them to bursaries rather than those which best suit their passions and aptitudes. As a result, many people will rack up a huge amount of debt even with bursaries only to realise that they would prefer to pursue a completely different career path requiring yet more expensive qualifications.

The prospect of such enormous financial strain is sure to be a discouragement to even the majority of bright, enthusiastic young people who are sure they have made the right choice of university and degree. Students going to universities that have chosen to charge the maximum fee level are predicted to graduate with £43,000 of debt. Students will have to make repayments after their studies only when they are on a salary of at least £25,000, and the government claims the lowest-earning 25 per cent of graduates will pay less in total than with the previous system. Even so, with house

prices rising, the number of jobs available declining, the Eurozone in a crisis, yet another UK recession predicted next year and taxes rising, people will see no other alternative but to sacrifice their opportunities and rights to higher education.

While education should be a fundamental right, the money has to come from somewhere. Equal rights should also mean an equal price in this case, but fees are waived altogether for EU students and home students in Scotland due to EU law. Would Edinburgh need to raise its fees so drastically if everyone paid an equal amount? Edinburgh is set to raise its tuition fees to the maximum for students elsewhere in the UK, while those protected by EU law contribute nothing to alleviate the burdens imposed by the education cuts. 16,000 EU students took up places at institutions in Scotland last year, doubling the figures from the previous year and costing universities nearly £75m.

Either way, the prestige and diversity of the UK’s once admirable higher education system are under threat from the effects of the education cuts, and by choosing to charge astronomical fees, many universities will simply fail to make the grade for the next generation of potential applicants.

Visit studentnewspaper.org/comment to read an article by Alex Munyard, discussing the future of Sepp Blatter and Fifa

TURKEYS IN CRISIS TALKS AS PRE-CHRISTMAS DEMAND FOR GOBBLERS REACHES ALL TIME LOW OK, NewsJack must admit that spotting this particular headline is as probable as a Santa sighting, but potatoes, in their various guises, long a key part of our Christmas dinners, are facing troubled times in Ireland (really? again? – Ed).

Research has been commissioned into their falling popularity as they steadily lose their traditional market share.

Though this may not be such a harmful thing for the nation’s identity as many fear, as insensitive foreigners will continue to snigger “potato, potato, potato” at the sight of any of the descendants of Eire, it marks a worrying lack of Christmas spirit in evidence today.

This lack of respect for traditional seasonal values, overconsumption, overspending, and all round shopaholicism, is no laughing matter. And with the threat of Eurogeddon on the horizon, this is no time for complacency. To increase demand and tackle unemployment, every man, woman and child must do their duty, wheel out the forced cheer, and get spending like there’s no tomorrow.

A memo has been passed to NewsJack which shows that the cabinet are in crisis talks to avert this dire economic situation. Santa hats are being distributed to Cabinet Ministers, to lead the manufactured cheer by example. Osborne ordered banks to a meeting this Friday to thrash out the details of a new scheme whereby credit cards will be distributed through schools, universities and workplaces, in a bid to ensure the population pulls no punches during this month’s Christmas spree and in the January sales.

Michael Gove’s plan to send out a new copy of the Bible to every state school is being brought forward – schools should receive them by the end of the week. Meanwhile, the Leveson inquiry is to cease airing the press’s dirty laundry and recreate the story of Love Actually.

Of course, scrooges are already reeling out the old lines about how a festive spending bubble will only lead to a debt crisis after the wrapping paper’s cleared, but that hasn’t stopped the government burdening future graduates with astronomical debts, purportedly to reduce the public deficit, so who cares? Tis the season to buy Brollies! No need for sensible spending on anything useful...after all – it’s Christmas!

Nick Dowson

Tuesday December 6 2011 studentnewspaper.org

������ Let's ����� hear ����� it!: ����������������������������� features@studennewspaper.org

13 Features

Frosty the Binman

JINGLE SMELLS: The customary sight of post-Christmas waste piled high in the wheelie bins of Britain There is a moment, somewhere between the first and the twenty-fourth of December of any given year, when one may well be suddenly overcome with the urge to run screaming off a nearby cliff. Perhaps you are standing in the scented soap aisle of Boots; perhaps your arms and shoulders are aching with the strain of carrying shopping bags, which are filled with all manner of wonderful things that are destined to belong to other people.

Perhaps your nose stings with the cold and the first signs of a tinselinduced headache are beginning to appear. You survey the rows of gauzeenveloped toiletries with a heavy heart and a runny nose.

Then the moment arrives. However, unless you are shopping in Dover’s cliff-top branch of Boots, it might be difficult to immediately act on your impulse. This scenario, potentially dangerous for your health, has the potential to lead to something possible.

Instead of heading straight to the nearest sharp drop, take a deep breath and focus your debilitating ennui into something far more useful: revolution.

The revolution in question? One to overthrow the wastefulness and excess of the Christmas period and the tidal wave of tat that floods the nation every

single year.

Consider for a moment how many gifts you receive each Christmas. Then consider how many of those gifts you actually like, appreciate and use. What happens to the unwanted gifts? Are they left to gather a thick carpet of dust in the cupboard under the stairs, donated to a charity shop or disposed of?

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What happens to the unwanted gifts?

Are they left to gather a thick carpet of dust in the cupboard under the stairs, donated to a charity shop or disposed of?"

These orphaned gifts are just another addition to the mountains of stuff that is left behind in the wake of the festive season. The waste we produce over such a short period of time is immense and rather alarming.

During this ever increasingly commercial holiday, the UK produces

around three million tonnes of waste, a number which is only going up and up every year. Landfill sites are inundated with food, bought in a frenzy on Christmas Eve by a nation terrified with the prospect of having to cope without Tesco for one whole day, and then thrown away once it has either passed its sell-by date or when no one can stomach another chipolata.

Wrapping, packaging, Christmas cards, that weird and seemingly redundant layer of tissue paper in shoe boxes – it all builds up. Then, of course, the absolute gems our relatives pick out (“What a lovely pair of… faux-leather dungarees”) that make us grimace as we unwrap them are stuffed into the back of a wardrobe, left to lead a lonely existence, rejected even by Mr Tumnus and doing no one any good.

It’s easy to tut and mutter that it’s simply disgraceful, but the truth is that although Christmas is still officially a religious celebration there is very prominent group of people – if not a majority – who celebrate the holiday without any significance placed on its origins.

For this sector of society Christmas is really about present-giving and receiving, visiting family, eating and being merry until it is impossible to be

flickr: kaputniq

Rebecca Parker looks ������������� at how we ��� can �������������� all still be ��� gluttons, ���������� but ������������������ with slightly clearer �������� consciences, ������������� over ��������� the festive �������� period ������

any merrier, and there is nothing to say that this is necessarily wrong.

So, if Christmas is a celebration of abundance and indulgence, perhaps it is as important to non-religious revellers to spend too much, eat too much, and give too much as it is for others to go to church.

This is not to suggest that commercialism and material goods replace faith in this instance, just that the holiday becomes a different event that holds different importance for different people.

It may be, then, that some claim this excessive consumerism is ‘tradition’, but it doesn’t change the fact that the problem of waste remains. After years of slightly patronising reprimands, environmental warnings may have begun to lose their impact and effectiveness, but the issue is as prevalent now as ever.

Living in the twenty-first century has become a balancing act of the modern and the quaint, luxury and responsibility.

The question is this: Do you spend your very last five pound note on yet another lavender scented soap basket for your auntie Marge, or do you buy a large cup of strong coffee and send auntie Marge the bottle of bath oil you

received twelve long months ago from cousin Harry? It could be more ethical to do the latter.

‘Recycling’ gifts in this way is just one way to soften the blow on both pockets and the planet. Yes, it is a little cheap, but so are students.

You could turn it into a festive game with your family, like a year-long round of pass the parcel. Who will get the dusty bottle of peach liqueur and that pungent, muslin-ensconced pouch of potpourri? Whoever it lands on has to listen to Great Uncle Scott drunkenly reminisce about the Stone Age, or the forties, or whatever.

There are other simple, if not so amusing, ways to reduce your ecological impact too. The usual suspects are much to do with simple common sense: reusing wrapping paper, not buying so much food on Christmas Eve (seriously, it’s just one day) and recycling as much as is possible.

As far as gift-giving goes, if you find yourself reaching for the standard ‘fancy toiletry set’ perhaps consider whether it is worth it or not, and if the recipient will even get any joy from such a generic present. After all, there doesn’t seem much point if you’re not even practising that most basic of Christmas traditions – spreading merriment and cheer like an abnormally sparkly disease.

Perhaps consider non-material gifts this year. Promises of meals in nice restaurants or regular lunch-dates, ‘experience’ gifts like bungee-jumping or paragliding, tickets to the cinema or theatre or gigs, and enrollment in cooking lessons or singing lessons can be at least equally satisfying gifts to give or receive. If the anticipation is better than the thing itself, then these types of presents will only extend that feeling.

Besides, meeting your cliché quota for the day, whatever happened to the true Spirit of Christmas? The one sold to us by years of nauseating festive fables churned out by Hollywood, where all anyone needs to be happy at this time of year is the people they love and some perfectly timed snow, all against some twinkly piano music. That’s pretty attainable, right?

Yes, another another cliché is inevitably approaching with some speed, but regardless, perhaps Christmas really shouldn’t be about receiving gifts or spending money. Perhaps it ought to be a time to play ridiculous board games with your family, wear hats with large bobbles and sing custom-written (and invariably rude) lyrics to annoying and repetitive Christmas songs.

So, when that event-horizon in Boots finally arrives, just stop. Go for a coffee, defrost your toes and wrap up last year’s bottle of bath oil for auntie Marge. She might even send it back to you next year.

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O Lonely Night

Features 11

YULE BE SURPRISED: A different coun-tree means different traditions What does Christmas mean for a British student? Usually it’s presents, a

kaysgeog

For international students, a family Christmas is not a given, discoversVarvara Bashkirova

turkey, a Christmas tree, and, of course, the key ingredient of any Christmas

celebration: family. You might not have particularly warm feelings towards your extremist cousin or pious aunt, but during the festive season their status as family members is what matters most.

With the company of family, traditional meals, and familiar ceremonies year in and year out, Christmas establishes itself as an unchangeable pattern of actions, and it becomes almost impossible to imagine having it in any other way.

However, many international students at the university stay in Edinburgh over Christmas, meaning that they don’t get to see their family and celebrate with them. Christmas in another country can be very different, especially where Christianity is not the main religion.

In Pakistan, for example, it is called the Big Day, and non-Christians celebrate it as a birthday of the founder of the country, Jinnah. In Nigeria, Christmas is celebrated with numerous festivals and masquerades; people wear masks, dance and sing traditional songs. In Russia and other Slavic countries, Christmas is a purely religious holiday and is not universally celebrated. Its date is also different: January 7.

Although these traditions seem quite different, they all still emphasise the importance of being with family – if not on December 25 specifically, then on some other day instead. In Russia, for instance, New Year’s Eve is a big family celebration. Overall, it seems that Christmas the world over

is a time for people to go back to their homes and to spend time with their families. So why then are there so many students who decide not to go home for Christmas?

For many, it is a purely practical issue. Going home is expensive, especially if it is somewhere really far away: China, Japan or Mexico. “It simply is not worth it going all the way home and paying around £1500 just for 2 weeks at home. We do celebrate Christmas in Hong-Kong, but I will just celebrate here with friends instead,” said Steph Wong, a 2nd year English Literature student from Hong-Kong.

“

Many international students at the university stay in Edinburgh over Christmas, meaning that they don't get to see their family and celebrate with them" Another reason might be work. The Christmas season opens up many opportunities for students to earn some extra cash to spend on that mulled wine. Employers often give only a few days off work over Christmas, which makes going home simply not worth the money. This affects not only international students but those from the

UK as well. Isabelle, a 2nd year Classics student, explained that “initially I wanted to go back to London for Christmas, but my employer only gives me one week off work, so I decided to stay here. It will be my first Christmas away from home.”

It is not always as sad as it appears to be, though. For many, it is an opportunity to travel around. Issei, a student from Japan, is going to Sweden with a few friends for the whole of the Christmas holidays. “Normally I would not get an opportunity to travel around Europe: I live far away, and while I am here I am constantly busy with studying,” he said. Lulu, a second year Economics student from Beijing, is going to London and Paris with her friends: “I am very excited about it. Christmas is not that big a deal at home anyway, so I don’t feel like I am missing out.”

Many students, unable to go home themselves, are having their family come over to Edinburgh instead. “It will be great to be together for Christmas, and at the same time show them Edinburgh as well – and I won’t have to pay for it,” said Helena from Estonia.

Being far from home is tough at any time, and especially during a time so traditionally family-oriented. If you find yourself far from home during the festive season, it’s a good idea to look at it as a unique opportunity to experience Christmas in a different culture. I am not going home for Christmas myself, and am excited about taking part in the Hogmanay celebrations. Anyone interested in joining in?

Lessons in compassion

The mischievous and warm man who opens the door to the Spirit Aid office in Glasgow is miles away from the cold and cruel characters David Hayman is known for, ushering me inside out of the rain and immediately offering a cup of tea.

Every day, we are bombarded with unthinkable facts and figures about inequality and injustice. Every two seconds, a child dies of hunger. Every seventeen seconds, a child dies from lack of clean water. Two million children are sold into the sex trade every year. Every one of these facts is unimaginable, but we’ve heard them so often that they’ve become meaningless. We’ve become desensitised.

And yet, watching Hayman speak about his charity, Spirit Aid, after his show Six and a Tanner, many of the audience were moved to tears. The words so often repeated suddenly got through. It’s hard to say what makes the difference, what makes people react like that. Hayman acknowledges that his fame probably helps. The fact that the Q&A session is live, with a familiar and respected face creates an atmosphere in which people are more receptive than they would normally be. But perhaps more important was the way that he spoke, and the way he made people feel. Even when speaking

of injustice and cruelty, he speaks with tremendous compassion and love for humankind. Instead of making people feel guilty or ashamed, he makes them feel powerful, inspired.

When I say this to him, he looks delighted and claps his hands. He worries that people leave his talks feeling like he’s beaten them over the head. But the shock factor is important, he says, it’s important to give people a bit of a fright and to make them angry. At the moment, most people live in a bubble of apathy keeping us from having the world that we want. People need to be willing to break down the current order and rebuild our society.

He places tremendous faith in young people. We are the most valuable resource that the world has for the future. “We do not inherit the world from our ancestors; we borrow it from our children”, he says. It’s up to all of us to stand up for the things we believe in and create the kind of world that we want to live in.

This is a typical example of the way Hayman addresses things. Even when talking about things that make him angry or upset, he finishes with hope. He hopes for better, and he has faith that it will come. He describes himself as “an original hippy, who still just wants to spread peace and love.” This seems

to be a very apt description. There is an amazing warmth in his manner; empathy, understanding and love in everything he says. This he was taught by his mother.

“My mother was an angel, barely disguised as a human.” He talks of her kindness and compassion, how she always had time and made space for everyone. But mainly, he talks about her faith in the power of love.

He travels to the communities that Spirit Aid supports at least once a year, and says that if he went there and gave every child in the community a hug, it would almost be enough. The most important thing is to show them that someone truly cares.

When asked for his proudest Spirit Aid moment, he pauses, then tells a story about his time in Malawi. They funded a school meals programme in a high school. Attendance and student marks have shot up since this scheme was introduced, but he says the thing that made him happiest was a conversation he had with a young girl who was lying beneath a tree in the schoolyard.

He went to check if anything was the matter, and she said to him, “my belly is full. Now I feel safe. Now I can go to sleep,” and rolled onto her back and fell asleep in the sunshine.

“That’s why we do this,” he says,

DAVID HAYMAN: Charity is for life, not just for Christmas tears forming in his eyes, “so that wee girl can feel safe. So that wee girl can go to sleep.”

I almost don’t want to ask my next question. Has there been a time when he has been unable to help? His face crumples, and he is silent for another moment. Of course there have been times when he and his colleagues have had to make impossible decisions. In Sri Lanka they met a boy suffering from multiple sclerosis. Spirit Aid bought a machine to keep him alive.

However, the machine cost £5000, and

American Public Television

Speaking to Scottish actor David Hayman leaves Fiona Longmuir inspired to do better

a few years down the line, when the machine had to be replaced, Spirit Aid was short on funds, and David had to refuse.

But you have to focus on the victories, however small. For Hayman, every child is worth saving, and no matter how much or how little Spirit Aid affects the bigger picture, if they can keep improving the lives of individual children across the world, it is worth the struggle.

Read the full interview online

12 Lifestyle

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joanna lisiovec

Tuesday December 6 2011 2011 studentnewspaper.org

Have yourself a merry (big) Christmas

Being a festive host doesn't have to break the bank: Mayumi Ihara-Quinones shows us how Christmas is upon us and most, having squandered the entirety of our loans long ago, will find it hard to spare enough cash to spend on presents or decorations, let alone hold an end of term Christmas dinner. If you are planning to host a dinner party, there is no need to empty your wallet in order to throw a successful seasonal soiree…

Mulled wine This staple Christmas drink can also be very economical; quantities may be adjusted if you want to stretch it. This recipe will serve 10, or less, depending on how merry you wish to be.

Ingredients Three bottles of red wine Half a pint of apple juice Half a pint of water 100g sugar One cinnamon stick Four or five cloves One orange One lemon

Place the wine, apple juice, water, sugar, cinnamon and cloves in a large saucepan and heat slowly, and without boiling, stir until the sugar is dissolved.

Meanwhile, squeeze the juice from one orange and one lemon and add to the wine. Slice the remaining orange and lemon then cut each slice into garnish size segments and add to the mixture.

Taste, add more sugar if needed and serve warm.

Stuffed Turkey Legs In keeping with the traditional meat of the season, turkey leg is a great, and cheap, way to follow suit.

Ingredients Four turkey legs 2kg sausage meat Two apples Two onions Three eggs Six slices of bread (for bread-

crumbs) 250g parma ham Peel and chop the onion and apple and mix with the breadcrumbs and sausage meat. Add the egg to bind.

Roll the mixture into a large sausage (or several smaller ones for tiny student ovens!) and then wrap around with parma ham.

Remove meat in large pieces from the turkey leg and wrap round parma ham and sausage meat and secure with oven-proof baking bands.

Cook in the oven at 200°c for 20 minutes, then turn down to 160°c for 90 minutes. Serve with roast potatoes and brussel sprouts.

Mince Pies

Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas without these. You can get creative by cutting the covering pastry into different shapes.

Ingredients 500g block of frozen shortcrust pastry, thawed 350g mincemeat Caster sugar for sprinkling Preheat oven to 200°C, roll out the pastry, cut out discs and use to line tart tins. From the remaining pastry, cut smaller discs for lids (you may have to re-roll the trimmings for this).

After cutting out the lids, use a small shaped cutter of your choice to cut out a shape from the lid so that when it is placed on the tart, the mincemeat is visible.

Fill each with 2 generous teaspoonfuls of mincemeat. Lightly moisten the undersides of the lids with water and use to top the tarts, pressing gently at the edges to seal.

With a skewer make a small steam hole in centre of tops. Brush with water, sprinkle with sugar and bake for 15-20 minutes until golden brown. Sprinkle again with caster sugar as they come

out of the oven.

And some final tips: Put effort into presentation to make anything you are serving a little more plush - a sprinkling of chopped fresh parsley, a drizzle of cream or a dusting of icing sugar is all that makes a big difference.

If you want to not only reduce the cost of your Christmas dinner but also make it a team effort, ask your guests to bring different dishes and drinks.

Double up your dinner as both a celebration and your Christmas gift to your guests.

Make use of your food, particularly meat which can be used for stock and those all important leftover turkey sandwiches.

Baby, it's cold outside...

EMILY JARRETT

But Emily Jarrett captures the best of the season in these sizzling style shots

Tuesday December 6 2011 studentnewspaper.org

Lifestyle 13 13

Katie MacPherson takes a wander through Edinburgh's very own winter wonderland

Every year around this time my friends and I bundle up and trudge down to the Christmas market below the mound, fighting the crowds and defying the cold just to get a bit of the holiday experience so widely

publicised. It’s a treat, usually after a long week of studying or to celebrate the final class of the semester, but although it’s a one off I still wish it wasn’t so expensive.

I’ve been three times in the last

JOE DUNCKLEY

Christmas time, pretzels and mulled wine week and a half and overall I think I have spent upwards of around £30, without even getting to go on any of the rides! The sad thing is one trip can cost a good amount on its own if you want something to eat, drink and then go on a ride and buy a present for someone.

This cost damage is something many are willing to pay for. Couples and families are all too happy to fork out the tenner per person to iceskate for an hour or so then come off after 30 minutes of falling down and slipping. To try and conserve a bit of that all important student finance, it’s best to pick out specifically what you want to experience before you go; why not tie your trip in with Santa coming on the 3rd ?

My perfect trip would have to include a ride on the Edinburgh wheel; at only £4 it’s well worth it, and combined with a Nutella crepe and a glass of mulled wine the most it will cost is £15 for the whole trip.

However, when it comes to the gifts you can buy, it is a bit disappointing.

Aromatic coffee is wafted throughout the market but on purchasing said coffee beans the bags were very small and really not worth £10. Likewise, the goodie bags of waffle and marshmallows fell short at 10 mixed pieces for £5. Buying presents, while it may seem lovely, is a bit of a rip off when it comes to the Christmas

Blue Christmas Mrs Grinch's gripes about Christmas

market. The fact is you are paying the extra 20 per cent simply because you are buying it from a quaint little pretend village.

Generally the food is the best part of the market. On a cold clear night, with your breath fogging in front of you there is nothing better than a fresh baked pretzel or sausage sandwich from the German market.

Of course if you prefer the Scottish food the fair caters to those needs as well with steak sandwiches made from Aberdeen angus beef. One thing I would say about going after 5pm is that it is incredibly busy. If you don’t mind waiting in line or having to navigate your way through large crowds of families and tourists, then night time in the market can be a fabulous way to unwind. If you go before it gets dark it is far easier to get around, shop, go on rides and relax; no waiting and the pace is far more leisurely.

I love the Christmas market, and even though I am not alone in the issues surrounding its cost, the fact is I am paying for the experience.

When it comes down to it, although budgeting works I don’t think it’s a bad thing to splash out during Christmas. With essay deadlines and exams coming up it's good to have something to look forward to.

At a snip: Egg Hair and Body

Our series of reviews of the best student hair salons continues, as Meave Cosgrove tries out Egg Humans are creatures of habit: we find a hairdresser we like or are used to, and we stick to them. If, like me, you prefer to put off having a haircut until you are back at home for holidays, when you will trek to your usual salon knowing full well what to expect, then maybe it’s time to be bold and try somewhere new.

It is, of course, very understandable to remain loyal to a salon you know and who knows you, but living in a different city should inspire us to do the very opposite, especially when that city has such a variety of salons on offer, as Edinburgh does. With this in mind, I decided to brave a new hairdresser, and taking a couple of hours out of my, let’s be honest, sleep time, I headed to Egg Hair and Body.

A small salon at the top of Broughton Street, this is the perfect place to spend a few hours giving your hair the luxury treatment it needs. With a student discount of 20 per cent on everything at all times, this salon is popular with students mainly for the beauty treatments it offers, but the relaxed and friendly atmosphere should make this a regular haunt for hair treatment too.

Egg salon has welcoming staff who want to make you to feel at ease and create an experience as good as it can be; they offer tea and coffee, seem genuinely interested when talking to you, and there is a varied and up-todate selection of magazines. The salon itself is bright and airy without being cold or intimidating. There is an intimate and unstressed atmosphere, and on meeting the staff, my doubts about trying a new hairdresser were swept aside and I immediately felt that my hair was in good hands.

As I was unsure about what colour highlights to choose, having never

had any colour done before, Craig, my stylist, listened to my views and suggested bringing out colours already present in my hair to brighten it up subtly. For the cut, we decided that it needed more movement and energy. Craig listened to my doubts and talked me through what he thought should be done, making me feel very involved in the process. The result was a success; the cut makes my hair feel alive again rather than being a dead weight and the colour is subtle and understated but adds a new animation to my hair.

As I was getting my hair done, Craig also offered plenty of advice about hair care; he brought to my attention the effect of Scotland’s water on the maintenance of your hair. As Scottish water is so soft, it does not fully remove residue left on hair by standard hair products, which in the long run will make your hair oily in some areas and dry with fly-away bits in others. The residue left prevents hair from absorbing what it needs, resulting in less nourished hair. The solution to this problem would be to use salon products, which is in itself a problem when living on a student budget. If, however, you choose salon products on the lower end of the price scale, you could be spending around £14 for a shampoo and conditioner, which should last for around two months.

Exam period is the perfect moment to make this splurge as, generally, less money is spent at the pub, and what better place to show off your glossy locks than in a library full of students? Alternatively, suggest these products to that aunt or grandparent who continually misses the mark with Christmas presents.

When your hair is looking ragged

LOOK INTO MY EYES: practicing the art of hypnotic staring and lacking in lustre or you just need a break from the oppressive workload of exam-time, going to the hairdressers for a cut or colour is more than just that; it is an experience, a treat, and it should be a lovely one.

All price and product details can be found at www.egghair.co.uk

EGG HAIR AND BODY

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Love Letstories us know!

Send film? us your on fashion, beauty and health lifestyle.studentnewspaper@gmail.com

The lights, the bright colours, overly cheerful people in costumes vying for your attention to shell out money – of course, it’s Christmas.

To many, I might sound apathetic, maybe even callous about this supposedly joyous season; this is in fact my issue with this time of year, the forced joy of it all.

I have often found that it’s the most impromptu nights out that you enjoy the most. The most meticulously planned nights out, however, always seem to go wrong – there is so much expectation. It is the exact same with Christmas. There is so much build up and planning that so much more can go wrong, whether it’s for the burnt flat Christmas dinner, or the work night out where half the people won’t be able to make it because of the weather and you’ll end up holding back your friend’s hair for her for most of the night. The almost dictatorial mantra of “I must have fun”, drilled into most people’s heads at this time of year often in actual fact has the exact opposite.

Another reason this joy I’m meant to be filled with doesn’t happen is probably because of the weather – how is anyone supposed to be full of Christmas cheer when they have lost their gloves, are wary for their lives on the slush-filled Edinburgh pavements and their heating has packed in causing ice to form on the inside of their beautiful but ever-so-arctic single glazed flat?

Cold weather, and especially living in perpetual darkness, does not for a happy Ms Grinch make. Maybe this is why the pursuit of joy must be done more relentlessly, but when you’re feeling a bit low and all around you are pictures of shiny, happy people showing you how you should in fact be feeling now that the holidays are coming, it can make the whole ordeal even worse.

In spite of all this disappointment I feel with Christmas time, there are some parts of it I love dearly, even if they do have to remain guilty pleasures. I am a complete obsessive for Christmas songs. When I found out She & Him had done a Christmas album I nearly died of excitement, and had it playing loud and proud throughout the whole of November.

Now that we have TV in my flat, I keep accidentally leaving it on the music video Christmas countdowns, much to the embarrassment and despair of my flatmates. There is something about a Christmas song that is so tacky it is actually wonderful, and coupled with music videos of hilarious ‘80s haircuts and fantasy Christmas getaways, all log cabins and open fires (yes, I am referring to Wham!), they never cease to fill me with the joy I feel I am somewhat lacking.

Maybe I am just cynical, maybe I am even verging on psychotic for not fully enjoying this time of year. I guess the thing I enjoy most about it is the fact that I get to spend a lot of time with my family. It’s just a shame that family quality time needs to be compartmentalised into this holiday period, instead of being encouraged and given an opportunity for round the year. Especially, when family time comes with tinsel. I hate tinsel.

Mrs Grinch

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You wouldn't kill for it

oliver ninnis

Tuesday December 6 2011 �������� ��������� �� ������� studentnewspaper.org

The revelations are few and far between for Alex Duncan in the lastest Assassins Creed

 Revelations is the fourth game in the Assassin’s Creed saga. To those unfamiliar with the series, the games follow Desmond Miles as he explores his ancestor’s memories via a combination of fictional technology and incorrect biology. What makes the Miles family tree so enrapturing is that since medieval times they’ve all been assassins.

In particular the player relives the lives of two assassins; stoic Altair and vigorous Ezio. The purpose of all of this is to unearth secrets to aid in the fight between the modern day assassins and their arch rivals; the Templars.

The adventure begins with Desmond’s mind breaking down as he struggles to distinguish his own memories from those of his ancestors. The main focus of the game quickly shifts to delving into Ezio’s memory and reliving his later years.

These are spent in the intricately detailed city of Constantinople as Ezio tries to retrace the final years of Altair.

Much like earlier games, Revelations' best quality is its story; the characters all have vibrant personalities and the intrigue surrounding their adventures is compelling.

Veterans of the series will find the tale particularly gratifying as you learn more about the final days of Altair and Ezio; Characters that

you played as young upstarts have matured to wizened elders.

Not many features have been added since the previous instalment. One of the new features is the administration of assassin dens.

As you conquer dens throughout Constantinople, apprentices join your cause, who in turn you can train up and send on missions. As well as recruitment, you are also responsible for defence. The more active the assassins are in the city, the more likely the den is to come under attack. This involves a mini game where you have to marshal your assassins to kill the attackers while they are funnelled through a street.

“

While a lot of the tasks are entertaining or novel at first, the game forces you to repeat them ad nauseum" The flaws that plagued Revelations' predecessors are back. The fights are not challenging and indeed most of the fighting can be avoided by simply running past the enemies.

What is truly damning is that usually this is the most enjoyable option as it avoids the repetitive task of combat.

Despite the variety of opponents, the fighting always boils down to the same chore of individually whittling down each enemy with the same steps. And this is the biggest problem with Revelations; while a lot of the

A CASE STUDY IN STUPIDITY: running chest first into a knife probably won't win you any fights tasks are entertaining or novel at first, the game forces you to repeat them ad nauseam.

In sharp contrast to the killing and sleuth work of the assassins, the player can at any moment choose to leave Ezio’s adventure and begin to piece together Desmond’s own memories. This involves completing a few minor puzzles while at the same time learning a bit more about Desmond’s background. While not particularly demanding, the change

of pace is greatly appreciated.

I should mention there is more to this game than just the story, players can also go online and compete against each other in a collection of game modes. Each mode has its own nuances but they all revolve around the premise of having to track down other players in a city while avoiding being tracked yourself. While there is some entertainment to be found here, it’s hard to imagine a large community emerging and so

my advice would be to enjoy the multiplayer while it’s still active.

Overall, Revelations fails to keep up with the competition; there are simply more innovative and interesting titles out there. Having said that, fans of the series will relish some of the secrets revealed and for those just looking for something different to Call of Duty, you can assassinate many hours with all this game has to offer.

The Technology Christmas Guide

Tom Hasler lists this year's top Christmas gifts from the tech scene With the veritable plethora of weird and wonderful technological marvels released every christmas, it can be difficult to wade through the noise to find gifts that won't find their way into the garbage by new years.

Fortunately there are a few items this year that are almost garenteed to make great presents regardless of who you buy them for.

Kymera Magic Wand Remote Control This is really cool. It’s a TV remote that is styled after the wands from Harry Potter, with users changing channels though flicks waves and other hand gestures rather than mashing buttons. While it only features 13 gestures, which on today's televisions means you you may have to occasionally break out the boring old remote, simple exercises such as switching channels and controlling

volume suddenly become magical.

Even when the novelty wears off for the owner, it will probably still delight guests, especially if using the device is second nature, and you nonchalantly turn on the telly with a wand.

Video games

While conventional games like Skyrim make for tempting presents, the inherently antisocial nature of these games probably makes them inappropriate for Christmas, or at least for playing on Christmas.

Casual party games like Wii Sports and Guitar Hero have provided great fun for the whole family in the past; these titles may have gone a little stale however. Fortunately 2011 has provided us with some fresher party games that provide the same social appeal and accessibility as their forebearers. Dance games have made

a comeback with the improvements in motion gaming and are now more fun than ever with the death of cumbersome perhipherals like dance mats. Titles like Just Dance 3 can be played on all the major consoles given the right peripherals and features a wide variety of songs that can be enjoyed by the whole family. Meanwhile, Kinect Sports: Season 2 offers a more fleshed out realisation of the Wii Sports concept, but does require ownership of the Kinect sensor for Xbox 360.

Cameras This is simply a classic. What better way to capture the memories of Christmas day than with a good camera? Cameras make good presents particularly because there is a wide variety on offer at various price ranges. If the person you’re shopping for is passionate about

photography, you may want to give this a miss however; photography nuts can be very particular about what kind of camera they will use and high quality cameras can be prohibitively expensive. If however they lack a high quality camera and you can afford a camera with the features they want, then feel free to splash out, it’s a worthwhile investment.

Media players These are ideal for students, or anyone for that matter, who has got into the habit of consuming all their television and film through their computer. This has led to people watching these programs alone rather than together with friends as used to be the case. These media players offer a solution by downloading media from your computer and playing it into your television, allowing everyone to watch the latest instalment of

everyone's favorite awful show Big Bang Theory on the couch in a social setting. iPad The iPad 2 seems to be this year’s Wii, only a lot less gimmicky and a lot more useful. When the iPad was first introduced, its similarity to the iPhone made it seem frivolous. Today however, the iPad has established its identity and its wide ranging functionality means it will probably have some usefulness for anyone.

Kids can use it for games, parents can use it to read the weekly paper and sudoku. Students however are likely to use it for mostly the same reason they use their laptops. Not studying of course, but instead, dicking around on Facebook and Youtube.

EA

AC: Revalations

Ubisoft PC,360,PS3 £40

Tuesday December 6 2011

studentnewspaper.org

Rupert the Rutting Reindeer was born and raised

in Edinburgh zoo; he likes to wear beige on Sundays and strike awkward poses when people look directly at him. When he isn’t busy fornicating like a psychic deer, he hangs with his hoes (da does) playing Christmas songs loudly and obnoxiously outside Potterow on his grotto blaster.

Aries

This week you take a Christmas danger wank in the grotto of the library disabled toilets. You pull the help cord at the last possible moment but those security guards are niftier than you thought, and won’t take any of your mumbled excuses about festive snowflake miracles either.

Taurus

An oreo jumps out from a dark alley towards you - snack attack!

You retreat into a corner, gingerly covering your nuts. You escape because you're a jammy dodger.

Gemini

Don’t listen to what Barry says - that tweed cravat makes you look awesome.

Cancer

This week you grow breasts. Huge, conical, breasts.You ring up Dolly Parton to ask for management advice. She points out that you probably wouldn’t have to deal with this situation if it weren’t for the Herring horoscopist feeling so damn immature this week.

Leo

This week, while at the Germanic market on Princes Street, you make a risque comment about a sausage, I’d suggest, ‘haha, that looks like a willy’. The entirety of the crowd at the market turns and laughs uproariously, you are hailed as a comic genius and leave clutching your willy/a sausage.

Virgo

Aries is an ambivalent mistress: do not stop eating banoffee, have courage!

Libra

This week your name is Jeff, you are the library security guard and your job is to DEFEND THE LIBRARY AT ALL COSTS! Bish, bash, bosh those freshers with their sticky Christmas festivities.

Scorpio

This week Libra's massive torso is dominant over Pluto’s azure - you must feel afraid but do not let it show on the dancefloor.

Sagittarius

This week you burn an effigy of David Cameron on a beach near St. Andrews. No one gives a shit.

17

Oliver ninnis

No one reads these bits anyway herring.studentnewspaper@gmail.com

Christmas: Away in a Mangler Education bosses have this week announced that the University of Edinburgh will be amongst three higher education institutions in the city to tone down its Christmas celebrations.

Edinburgh University, Edinburgh Napier and Stevenson College have been asked to remove all mention of Christ from their events, making them more applicable to those of different or no faith.

“We are encouraging the institutions to be quite brave here,” says Peter Jones from Dragons Den (who wanted to comment on this story, despite being in no way involved). “For a long time now, my Dragon friends and these people from Edinburgh Council who I don’t even know, have been pushing to de-religify Christmas. I did just make that word up, but that’s what I do - I’m a Dragon. Rawwr!”

“

Oh come all ye faithful, and those of little or no faith" In line with the Council (and Peter Jones’) new recommendations, the University has been busy making modifications to its carol service. “We are taking a truly multi, and no faith ap-

GRINCH: Would you let this man down your chimney? proach, and have printed programmes with no words for some more contentious carols, and with modified words for others,” says Andrew McLatchie, of the University Chaplaincy.

“For the carols now with no words, the congregation - now renamed the ‘audience’ - will simply sing ‘la la la’ to the appropriate tune. For those where the words have been changed such as for the popular carol ‘Oh come all ye faithful,’ we have made the text more inclusive, to be sung: ‘Oh come all ye faithful, and those of little or no faith.’

We feel this makes the carols accessible and welcoming to all.”

Even the advertising materials have had to be altered. “This year we are referring to the winter festival on the 25th of December as ‘mas,’ dropping the contentious ‘Christ’ prefix from our leaflets,” said Mr McLatchie.

At Stevenson College the [Christ]mas tree has been substituted by a multi-faith log. Nothing will adorn the centrepiece, but students will be encouraged to rub it as they pass, and wish it a pleasant ‘winter festival.’

Herring Nativity Cutout-and-keep

Capricorn

This week you are overcome by Brian while he is sporting a rather fetching Christmas unitard that shows off his baubles. He pulls the unitard tighter round his Santa sack and devours you.

Aquarius

This week you find out that your cousin Billy went to see Ghostface Killah at Liquid Room and was killed by his ghostface. He should have seen that one coming.

Pisces

This week, you single handedly reunite EAST 17 for one last concert.

Don't take any shit from hipster capricorns; 'Stay another day' is still one of the best Christmas songs EVER.

Rupert reindeer predicts you will have a very Merry Herring

Japanese Number Game No. 43

To play this traditional game, find

THE RICE IS RIGHT

Lick each rice bag in turn, noting

yourself a mirror and greet yourself with 'Konnichiwa.' Wait for the mirror to respond.

which is right. Report your findings.

INSTRUCTIONS 1. Find some scissors (they're in the kitchen drawer by the door).

2. Don a balaclava.

2.1. Ask an adult to cut around the lines for you.

3. Don't let your adult stop until your nativity looks exactly as shown (right).

This is what it should look like Here's one we made earlier!

rEVIEW

COMMISSION #13: anielka hampson

Anielka Hampson is a 5th year MA Fine Art Student. Her practice is primarily painting based, but also encompasses collage, video and wood carving. Hampson draws inspiration from everyday objects, fashion photography and a large selection of personally collected ephemera, such as food wrappers and vintage advertisements.

Hampson cites painting as a reflection of the thoughts and emotions she experiences during the act of creation. Her paintings are time consuming, resulting in the "trapping" of her feelings within an image.

Thus, they become a nostalgic reminder of a specific time in Hampson’s life.

Within the technical aspects of her paintings, Hampson stresses the importance of layers, and a combination of styles. She states that she wants her paintings to either be "appreciated at surface value for their aesthetic qualities or for people to try and decipher their deeper meanings." For her, suggestion and play between the foreground and background is important. Often she overlays an abstract, unpredictable background with specific, figurative imagery. This results in the potential to find unplanned images in the paint formations of the background.

Tuesday December 6 2011 studentnewspaper.org

Follow us on twitter @TheStudentPaper or on Facebook at facebook.com/TheStudentNewspaper culture.thestudent@gmail.com

Art for heart's sake

holly jameson

18 Culture 18

raise awareness for mouth cancer.

If you were walking past St Andrew Square last week you'll have seen our gawping faces projected onto adjacent buildings. Passers-by will have gone home to investigate why their favourite editors of The Student were intruding on their daily routine. The curiosity hopefully encouraged people to regularly check their mouths for “lumps, bumps, red or white patches, sores or ulcers,” as the website says, catching mouth cancer at its earliest and most treatable stages.

You'll also have probably noticed the knitted red ribbons tied round the fence surrounding George Square gardens signalling World AIDS Day on December 1. Showing support for World AIDS Day is showing support for those living with HIV, com-

THE BOOK CLUB

Hidden CIty: Edinburgh Uncovered Edinburgh Printmakers Till 23rd December ••••••••••• •••



T

he modern city, that crowded jungle we all shuffle around in and generally accept unquestioningly, is a curious thing. Edinburgh is as interesting, if not more, as any urban environment, yet our interactions with it are unexciting and routine. We traverse between work and overpriced coffee through unchanging routes carved out between analogous buildings and traffic. Occasionally though, we get lost or visit an unfamiliar part of town and inevitably we’re thrust into a realm of discovery.

The title of this exhibition is remarkably expressive; it unearths the city we missed, the bits we haven’t found yet and those that pass us by everyday unnoticed.

The handsome publicity print by Jane Hyslop captures an Edinburgh of long ago, and although each print in this exhibition remains a snapshot of a moment, the artists have approached the hidden city from diverse perspectives.

There are simple but provocative social statements behind Robert Crozier’s

THE BOOK CLUB

THE BOOK CLUB

RED RIBBON: a public display shows respect for World AIDS

be avoided. As it is such an important

Sleaze, Bankruptcy and Rubbish. It’s a piece anyone would scroll past in the blandly digitised online collection. In the flesh, however, the richness of colour is completely •• ••• striking; a contrast of the darkest black and most brilliant red. Joyce Gunn Cairns’ pieces, by comparison, are absent of colour and feel less bold and deep than her other work, but take on wonderfully expressive aesthetics where the qualities of death, coldness and depression are well communicated.

Interpretation of ‘invisible’ urban space is such a simple idea and this exhibition embraces it with fervent hands.

There are some real gems to be found here, amongst •••• a sea of prints that fail to grasp the true potential of the hidden city. The best works are clever impressions of memories, realities and new perspectives, whilst the less impressive would still look pretty in the hallway.

Daniel Regan

THEHarry BOOK CLUB Panto and the

“

It unearths the city we missed, the bits we haven't found yet and those that pass us by everyday unnoticed."

Goblet of fUCk yeah! in 3D Bedlam Theate Run Ended



David Faithfull offers Urban Feral, a refreshingly large duotone of assorted Edinburgh house bricks. For me, its subject is fascinating – Edinburgh forever a city associated with stone has never had the primacy or identity of brick that has typified other metropolises. Yet the longer you examine it the more the piece seems unequivocally Edinburgh; the layout even echoes the cobbles of the Royal Mile.

I

went to see Harry Panto and the Goblet of F**k Yeah! hoping for a great show filled with laughs and Christmas cheer; I left feeling that only one of these hopes had been realised. Some elements of this satirical production delivered and delivered well. The actors fitted their characters both physically and dramatically and the excellent use of lighting and technical effects often drew gasps from the

THE BOOK CLUB

Doubleday £18.99

 danielle malinen

THE BOOK CLUB awareness to the ways transmission can

memorating those who have died from the virus, but also crucially bringing

Snuff

THE BOOK CLUB

Emily Jarrett

Michael Mackenzie and Thom Louis talk charity in light of recent public displays oth our culture editors last week cause, it is promising to see the red classes.

B were stopped by Know Your ribbon displayed so prominently in Theatre is different. Although often Mouth to have our photos taken to the middle of the University's central motivated politically, it is not usually

S

am Vimes is hell-bent on maintaining law and order. The problem is that they aren't always the same thing.

Unwillingly sent on holiday far outside his jurisdiction, Vimes finds himself up against unwelcome locals, extreme speciesism, and a law which hasn't quite caught up with justice.

Green fields and chirping hedgerows are a new world for the hard-bitten copper of Terry Pratchett's comic fantasy series, and it's easy to understand the motivation behind this change of scene.

Discworld readers have seen Vimes, over many books, rise from being the

alcoholic commander of an inept night watch to become a Duke by marriage (complete with class-identity crises), and the teetotal leader of the Discworld's finest police force. Sending him and his family to a country retreat provides new challenges to a hero with few obstacles left to overcome.

“

Snuff is an THEunrelenting BOOK CLUB whirlwind of satirical barbs and music-hall doubleentendres."

Sending characters on holiday is hardly an untried device, but Pratchett never jumps the shark. In Snuff, Vimes doesn't just jump through the same old hoops – a new raft of issues are addressed.

campus.

Both events are examples of art on display in public spaces for the purposes of charitable causes. They work effectively because, unlike art that brings awareness to important issues in our society in galleries, these pieces interrupt your everyday life forcing you to consider what's on display. You're not actively going somewhere to engage with art, you're made aware of mouth cancer or HIV without consent.

We think this is a better way of bringing important causes to the front of our minds than information on websites or emails because the issue is felt more pressingly if it interrupts the everyday: living with HIV or mouth cancer is a daily reality for many people – it's only logical to have these artistic displays intrude upon our walks to

put on for charity. It is, however, difficult to get away from issues and every other theatre production has a motivated axe to grind. A particularly good public example was last year's Theatre Uncut. The project by various theatre groups across the country attempted to increase awareness of the effect of government cuts on arts programmes through new writing and performance.

The discussion and wide range of pieces brought up an interesting and diverse set of issues. The campaign has continued throughout this year, alongside the continuing protests againsts cuts.

In the public eye or in a specified location, culture is used to effective charitable ends. Art and theatre can do more than entertain or aesthetically please; they can educate, challenge issues and change opinions.

audience. But this festive production was ultimately let down by an overlong running time, repetitive jokes and some questionable directorial decisions.

I began to wish for a magic spell to speed up a show that appeared to have lost its way, or at least for a potion to prevent Professor Snape from stretching a painful gag which mocked Alan Rickman’s habit of talking... with... pauses...

High praise must go to the pantomime’s technical staff. The excellent use of lighting created a variety of effects and the explosions that signaled entrances of certain characters really made the audience gasp. It was also fun to watch characters being played as I had always imagined them in the books – Harry a wet rag orphan who always seems to win the day, Cedric Diggory as a homoerotic sex god who literally morphs into Edward Cullen from Twilight before one’s very eyes.

However, I question the decision to make Luna Lovegood the school sex kitten; this simply didn’t ring true and only slowed the plot down more.

Harry Panto was certainly too long and sometimes chaotic on stage, but ultimately it provided what a pantomime is supposed to – a ludicrous plot, lots of laughs, ridiculous characters and a happy ending. And I will raise a glass of butterbeer to that anytime.

Annabel Philips

“

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• •••••••••••••• ••• ••••• ••• •••••••

Harry Panto was certainly too long and sometimes chaotic on stage but ultimately it provided what a pantomime is supposed to."

The pantomime began promisingly, with Santa and his elves on stage acting even as the audience arrived, before the evil Lord Voldemort arrived to take us to Hogwarts where he planned, in true Grinch style, to kill Christmas. Traditional panto gags such as a randy Dame, who bore more than a passing resemblance to an Xrated Miss Jean Brodie, and audience participation (including taking part in a live Quidditch match!) were executed with skill and enjoyed by all.

However, the plot began to sag with an interval at the two-hour mark.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ••••• •••••••••••••• ••••••• •• ••••••• ••••••••••••••••••• ••••••••••••••• •••••••••••••• • ••••••••••• ••••• •••••••••••••• ••••••••••••••••• Vimes is disconnected from his police with cinematic intensity. force and the concrete power of AnkhMorpork law. Investigating the murder of a goblin woman, he finds that goblins legally aren't even people, and the suspiciously unwelcoming locals regard them as vermin.

Snuff is an unrelenting whirlwind of satirical barbs and music-hall doubleentendres. But like the other recent Discworld novels, there is far more here than simple parody. Warm humanity and astute social commentary are weaved through this tale of smuggling, subterfuge and skullduggery, as questions of legality, class loyalty and community prejudice are considered in depth, not just played for laughs. In addition, Snuff features one of Pratchett's most gripping action sequences yet, in a rain-lashed riverboat chase that snarls across the pages

Occasionally, amongst the 39 Discworld novels, one transcends even Pratchett's usual genre-defining standards—Night Watch being my personal favourite. The only real criticism I can offer Snuff is that it doesn't quite achieve this meta-excellence. But it is still hilarious, cutting and intriguing – and remarkably it is still fresh and relevant 28 years after the series began.

Aran Ward Sell

Our next Book Club read will be Our next Book Club read will Half-Light and Other Short Stories, be Peace, Love & Petrol Bombs by

by Neil M. Gunn.

D.D. Johnston.

If you have any thoughts on you have any thoughts on it, or it,If or on The Art of Fielding, email Snuff, email culture.thestudent@ culture.thestudent@gmail.com gmail.com and let us know! and let us know!

Theatre buff? Review it! Follow us on twitter @TheStudentPaper or on Facebook at facebook.com/TheStudentNewspaper culture.thestudent@gmail.com

Tuesday December 6 2011 studentnewspaper.org

19 Culture 19 Star Rating “You're a wizard, Harry”  Butterbeer on tapUnlabelled Bertie Bott's Vomiting slugs on your shirt Locked in a cage with a blast-ended skrewt

Tale as old as pantomime

ROYGBIV

A

I

Nicole Adam shouts and sings along to the Lyceum's Beauty and the Beast

wicked witch has escaped from another realm and is attempting to rid the world of children using the power of a broken heart. Only Beauty can stop her and only if she can learn to love the Beast, despite his appearance, and defeat her evil sisters. This is an interesting retelling that introduces new twists into the familiar story.

Adapted from the classic tale by Stuart Paterson, it is a retelling that combines the traditional fairy-tale with various pantomime tropes.

There's plenty of audience participation and much of the familiar booing and hissing, but no sing-a-longs and no Dame.

However, the show does encourage people to yell “shut your face”at

BILL BOLLINGER Fruitmarket Gallery Til 8 January

T



he retrospective exhibition of the work of American artist Bill Bollinger showcases art made in the 1960s at the height of the space race and huge advancements in engineering.

The works' progressive nature is often compared to the work of minimal artists like Eva Hesse, and with a similarly short but intense career, Bollinger went un-exhibited for 40 years until a recent re-evaluation of his work. This re-discovery culminated in a reconstruction of many of his works at the Fruitmarket gallery in Edinburgh.

ARE THESE CUFFS TOO MUCH?: A subtle performance at the Lyceum its evil characters, much to the delight of the audience. Filled with physical humour, and despite the slightly worrying displays of casual animal cruelty, this is an upbeat pro-

duction brimming with energy and enthusiasm.

The strong cast brings out the sincerity in the characters, a very necessary tactic to make this show

Bollinger’s educational background in aeronautical engineering is evident in this collection: each work subtly explores the properties of different materials, making use of tension and balance to create art from simple forms and familiar objects. My first impression was that the works belonged elsewhere, perhaps in a converted warehouse to retain their industrial overtones; however it is clear that this is not the artist’s intention.

The intrinsic beauty of these minimal creations is exploited against the white walls and brightly lit exhibition space. The work recreates the space, connecting floor to ceiling and ceiling to wall, echoing the method that Bollinger employed during his career of making work for an individual site.

By using familiar industrial materials and removing them from their original context, he allows their basic properties to unfold.

“

The work recreates the space, connecting floor to ceiling and ceiling to wall."

By far the most beautiful of the works is Cyclone Fence (1968) which contrasts the monotonous forms of the chain-link with the fluidity of the simple wave-like shape it is placed in.

Works like Rope Piece (1967), two ropes connecting floor and wall, look more

EAMONN MCGOLDRICK

“

The forest and castle are so terrifying they had a couple of children hiding under their seats."

a performance all can enjoy. Angela Clerkin as the witch Crackjaw gives a particularly impressive performance, so terrifying it reduced one child in the audience to tears in a matter of minutes. Ruth Milne brings depth to the often insipid character of Beauty and the comic duo of her evil sisters is wonderful, with excellent timing and interaction with the audience.

The Beast, though impressive in stature, is rather less imposing in character. It is extremely difficult to empathise with a creature that portrays himself quite so pathetically. It feels like, instead of learning not to judge people by their appearance, we are taught that it’s tough to find love when you’re ugly. Perhaps not the ideal message to send out, particularly at this time of year.

Atmospheric lighting and copious amounts of smoke, when appropriate, enhance the beautiful set and complement the sumptuous costumes. The forest and castle are so terrifying they had a couple of children hiding under their seats. The entire production combines to form a real fairy-tale treat. like technical drawings than sculptures.

Untitled (Gorgas Stairway, 1969), a tube weighed down by water, plays with tension and balance and clearly shows the artist's interest in the laws of physics and how they affect his materials.

Bollinger’s use of gravity as the principle medium highlights the essential transience of his work; he even made the comment that the work “does not exist until it has been executed, ceases to exist when it has been taken down.” It is this profound and radical statement on the transitory nature of his work – albeit one of the reasons for its decline into obscurity – which lends the work such elemental and metaphysical power.

Katherine Bradley

THE ART DOCTOR with Anna Feintuck

This week: imminent exams, a very messy study space and eternal damnation

JOSEFIN SUNDQVIST

Dear Art Doctor, Well, December has started and despite promising myself I’d start revising midAugust (a plan I’d hoped had sufficiently incorporated enough procrastination that I instead start early November) I’ve only just realised the true scale of the revision I need to do before exams. Is there anything you can advise to help me get that initial motivation or how to constructively plan out my studying relative to my exams? Is listening to music disruptive? Is a trek to the library little more than a wasted Arthurian hunt for the Grail that is an unmanned computer this time of year?

With regards to your work and planning, I can’t help but think that you’re going on a quest, Arthurian or not, to find yourself some justified procrastination time. I do it too: I can’t possibly begin revision, I tell myself, until I’ve bought at least five different coloured pens and some index cards – oh, and probably a coffee too. And, you know, usually I’m an advocate of keeping your surroundings – which are, let’s not kid ourselves, going to be piles of notes for the near future – aesthetically pleasing. I am the queen

of avoiding work and telling myself I’m just keeping the Arts and Crafts mentality going: William Morris would be proud. But here I really must capitulate and say just do your bloody work. The most I will allow you is a ‘to do’ list – and even then, no excessive formatting and creating sub-headings and so on, okay? I promise you’ll feel better if you just log out of Facebook, turn Belle & Sebastian off (or whatever you’re listening to – as randomly selected examples go, I must admit that they’re hardly the most disruptive), and get on with it.

“Wot, no art?” you cry. Well, I really don’t think you need any more distractions but, if you insist, have a look at Rembrandt’s Faust in his Study (c.1652) and Jan Steen’s A School for Boys and Girls (c.1670). You’re aiming to emulate the former; if you get really bored, however, attempting to recreate the scene from A School in the library would at least be amusing procrastination.

Got a problem? We can cure you! All problems will be treated confidentially. And ever so seriously. Email us at artdoctor.thestudent@gmail.com.

This week's cultural spectrum.

Is it behind us?

t’s that time of year again. Christmas time for theatre-goers not only means presents and eating too much but gives rise to one big marmite issue: pantomime. Whether you love it or hate it, panto is a cornerstone of British Christmas culture. The cheesy festive art form takes over theatres up and down the country for weeks running up to Christmas, and are often a staple of peoples’ Crimbo timetables.

Pantomimes divide patrons due to their very specific nature. They are filled with audience participation, sweeties, cross-dressing, saving Christmas and sing-a-long numbers. Based on fairytales or folk stories, the shows are often puerile, over the top and even scatological. If Buttons doesn’t have a reassuring and endearing smile plastered over his (or more likely her) face for the whole show then he isn’t doing his/her job properly. On the other hand, if the villain, usually a witch of some description, doesn’t make the little kids want to hide under their seats, then it’s time to look for a new role.

A large portion of the theatre-going public avoids panto like the plague. The slapstick is simply too much and the sheer amount of Christmas cheer and happiness is sickening to those who aren’t in the right spirit.

Not that I would say that people who don’t like panto are simply scrooges; there of plenty of reasons to dislike panto as an art form. Pantomime is stuck in the past; it feels like something your grandparents would enjoy with a sherry and having baddies and goodies enter from different times is a staging device stuck in the time of Chaucer.

Despite the snobbery rallying against Panto, it is probably the greatest theatre experience a family can have during the holidays. The kids love the hero, shouting “useful” advice at the characters on stage and the big singsongs. The adults love the sexual innuendo, the fact there is fat man wearing heels and a frilly dress and the pitiful attempts at topical humour.

Panto isn’t going anywhere. The audience sizes that it garners every year are undeniable. To those who don’t like panto; it is just a bit of festive fun and worth seeing it just to laugh at the celebs embarrassing themselves on stage.

“Oh no it isn’t!” Oh yes it is! See, you’re in the right spirit already.

Thom Louis

Look oot for...

The King and I starts at the Festival Theatre on December 17 if you fancy some Siamese musical fun.

The Playhouse are putting on their Queentastic musical We Will Rock You which will be running until December 12.

The National Portrait gallery is finally re-opening this month.

Ingleby Gallery are still displaying their Alison Watt collection.

Plenty of cultural festive fun!

Tuesday December 6 2011 studentnewspaper.org

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JOANNA LISOWIEC

22

John Landis’ Trading Places starring Eddie Murphy and Dan Ackroyd is a film which is guaranteed to have even the crabbiest of scrooges rolling in the aisles laughing. Christmas is more of a back drop than a key plot device in this role reversal comedy and yet it contains one of the funniest Santa sequences on celluloid when Ackroyd – deranged and dishevelled in a shoddy Santa costume – pulls a salmon out of his beard and starts tucking in.

9. The Nightmare Before Christmas Perhaps the most original film on the list, Tim Burton’s stop-motion animation The Nightmare Before Christmas has become a cult classic since its release in 1993. The movie’s success lies in the way in which it manages to feature all of the classic elements of a family film– songs, laughs and a great story, whilst never forgetting its strange, gothic origins.

8. Die Hard Nothing says Christmas like guns, explosions, and Bruce Willis in a sweaty vest top. In many ways Die Hard is the anti-Christmas film for those who are fed up with twee family fun and singing Elves (see Elf below). The film truly established Bruce Willis as an action star and features one of the least jovial but most memorable Christmas greetings of all time: "Now I have a machine gun.

Ho ho ho".

HUGO Directed by MARTIN SCORSESE  his Christmas Martin Scorsese T ventures through the looking glass into the world of light hearted

comedy and happy endings. Lacking moral ambiguity and violent sociopaths, Scorsese still demonstrates his technical mastery of the art of filmmaking.

No De Niro and no DiCaprio, just Hugo (Asa Butterfield), a young boy who lives in the walls of a 1930s Parisian station and has a fixation with the mechanics of watch making.

In the rafters of the station he is repairing an automaton that he and his late father had been working on. He is integrated perfectly with the world of machinery behind the clocks in the station, reflecting the detail that lies behind the film itself. The different themes and components of the story interlock perfectly as a finished piece, whilst the frequent images of cogs and springs show an intricacy behind the illusion. The automaton that, when working can even write, sums up the relationship between a film and its inner workings.

Hugo loves the movies, as they are representations of his dreams. When Hugo meets Isabelle (Chloe Grace

Top Ten Christmas films

Sally Pugh recommends some new and old classics for the season

6. Love Actually Perhaps the most popular Christmas film of recent years , Richard Curtis’ tale of interconnected love stories is a very British Christmas film. Rom-com lovers will relish in this feast of festive romance but even the most cynical movie goer is likely to be moved by some of the stories featured in the film– particularly Emma Thompson’s story of the bleaker side of marriage and Andrew Lincoln’s tale of unrequited love.

5. Home Alone The perfect example of a Christmas film that appeals to all of the family, Home Alone stars Macauley Culkin as Kevin – a young kid who is left to fend for himself when his family go on holiday and accidentally leave him behind. Children will be entertained by the abundance of slapstick comedy in the film, whilst adults will find enjoyment in the more tender scenes such as those between Kevin and his mysterious neighbour played by Roberts Blossom.

4. It’s a Wonderful Life It is rare for a Christmas film to begin with the main protagonist contemplating suicide but then again It’s a Wonderful Life is no ordinary Christmas film.

Frank Capra’s masterpiece is a movie which is not afraid to visit some dark Moretz) and discovers her to be the adopted daughter of filmmaker George Melies (Ben Kingsley), the film becomes a profound homage to the history of cinema. Crucially, the First World War is a turning point in this history. After being confronted with a harsh reality, people no longer appreciated the whimsy of Melies’ films. However, this film is wonderfully dreamy and magical. The station is constantly filled with smoke and steam giving it an enchanting aura of mystery.

Evoking the wartime sense of being constantly under surveillance, the hilarious Sacha Baren Cohen plays the ever-present station inspector, who apprehends orphans. The themes of childhood and adulthood are omnipresent throughout the film, particularly in the portrayal of the divide between childhood innocence– depicted through the magical wonder of the first films– and the unforgiving adult world of brutal reality that followed the war.

Like the silent films it pays tribute to, the soundtrack dominates.

Scorsese’s trademark camerawork is fantastic throughout and the combination of the music and the shots make the film truly spellbinding.

The music guides the images, rising and falling to finally reach a harmonious cadence.

Daniel Scott Lintott

fanpop.com

10. Trading Places

Michael Caine makes for a terrific Scrooge in this entertaining adaptation of Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and the combination of his great acting ability and the fun and charm of the Muppet characters is really what makes this film work. The songs are also a lot better than you might expect especially the catchy ‘It Feels Like Christmas’.

Tamsin Scott

Christmas movies which are guaranteed to dispel those study blues and fill you with seasonal merriment.

7. The Muppet Christmas Carol

A WHITE CHRISTMAS: They're dreaming of it. and bleak places and at times you may be wondering if the film’s name is a rather misleading one. The film’s ending, however, is one of the most touching and inspirational endings in cinema history.

A true classic, It’s a Wonderful Life, is a Christmas film that really makes you think.

3. Miracle on 34th Street (1947) This classic Christmas film stars Edmund Gwenn as Kris Kringle – a department store Santa who is forced to go to court to prove that he is in fact the real Father Christmas. It is a simple

story which is beautifully told and the performance by 8 year old Natalie Wood as Susan is nothing short of extraordinary.

fectious, the romance as sweet as syrup; you may not want to give in to the film’s relentless cheer and optimism but you will. Resistance is futile.

2. Elf

1. White Christmas

If you are looking for a thought-provoking film that pushes the boundaries of cinema then you should look elsewhere.

But if you are after some pure, unadulterated Christmas joy then this is the film for you. The zany comedy comes thick and fast in this tale of a human raised by Elves who comes to New York to find his real family. The comedy is in-

The reason why White Christmas is the best Christmas movie of all time is simple: it just has it all. The film tells the story of two army veterans who attempt to put on a show to save their old Major’s hotel from closure. With its humour, fabulous songs and fine performances from its four leads, White Christmas is simply Christmas film perfection.

THE BIG YEAR

nobody could help but be caught up in their infectious excitement at the sight of some prized finch or other.

The birds themselves play a minor role and are really there to provide a medium to explore the line between passion and obsession.

The sad fact is, that for a comedy, the jokes are distressingly thin on the ground. Aside from the occasional shot of Jack Black falling on his ample behind, the audience are left with only a handful of funny lines, which feel out of place and seem only to serve as a reminder of what could have been.

Jack Black is utterly wasted, his comic delivery is among the best on offer today and yet has no place here. Martin likewise has produced some classic moments (although these days they seem to revolve around slapstick) but again, this film just doesn’t have the material for it. It plods sweetly enough through its 99 minutes, feeling harmless and enjoyable, but, ultimately, it simply isn’t funny.

Directed by DAVID FRANKEL  n recent years, the name of Steve Itantamount Martin connected with a comedy is to a kiss of death, which

KTRAILER

essays and exams are stopping you embracing the seasonal jovialIity,ffrom then take a look at this list of classic

Birdwatching: What a player...

is a shame considering the classics he’s given us over the years. Jack Black and Owen Wilson might induce similar trepidation for some, and so it is with a heavy heart that most will approach The Big Year.

It tells the story of three very different individuals who share a love of “Birding” (bird-watching to the uninitiated). Brad (Black) is an overweight loser stuck in a job he hates, who wants to make something of his time by doing “The Big Year”, a competition where people attempt to spot as many bird species as they can for an entire year. Bostick (Wilson) is the current record holder who cares about birds more than anything else. Which leaves the successful businessman Stu (Martin) who just wants a retirement hobby.

Despite initial fears, The Big Year is actually rather charming in many ways. The characters are genuinely engaging and there are truly heartwarming moments. Tramping around in the wilds looking for sparrows may not be everyone’s idea of fun but

Lewis McLellan

All films were reviewed at Cineworld

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Tuesday December 6 2011 studentnewspaper.org

Film 21

Star Rating Quality Street Roast Tatties  Cheese and CrackersStinky sprouts Turkey Twizzler

he Thing is a prequel to John CarT penter’s 1982 film of the same name. It charts the expedition of a

group of scientists who go to Antarctica and find an alien creature that they unwittingly bring to life. What ensues is a predictable gore fest, as the scientists are killed off one-byone by the revolting beast that is: the ‘Thing’.

The film begins with a sequence depicting the Antarctic winter of 1982 that is reminiscent of Carpenter’s original. A snow van makes it way across the grand, isolated landscape, where inside, Dutch scientists appear to be tracking down something anonymous.

As the van finally pulls to a stop, the snow underneath breaks away and the scientists are pulled into an abyss. The next thing you know, the film’s title is rolling across the screen making for an unfortunately dizzying experience.

In fact, such an opening sequence says a considerable amount about The Thing as a whole. What we get are

Classic Cult

CRAZY EX: Clearly she didn't approve of the break up

hristmas is a time for family, C fires and forgiveness, and no more is this apparent than in the

FACT OF THE DAY: Who knew penguins could have bright blue eyes?

happy feet 2 Directed by george miller  enguins are pretty big right now.

P After David Attenborough practically devoted an entire series to the polar birds, David Miller’s sequel to the Academy Award winning Happy Feet rolls up at an opportune moment. Audiences are returned to the Antarctic landscape and reunited with the toe-tapping tribe of penguins: Mumble (Elijah Wood), his love Gloria (Alecia Moore – aka P!nk – replacing the late Brittany Murphy), and their buddies Lovelace and Ramon (Robin Williams).

Mumble and Gloria now have a son of their own, Erik (who seriously ups the ante on the cuteness of penguin chicks). Reluctant to dance, he runs away to become enthralled with The Mighty Sven – a Swedish penguin whose ability to fly has earned him a cult-like following. When an iceberg crashes into the Emperor colony’s home however, all forces combine to save the day. Meanwhile, under the ice, Matt Damon and Brad Pitt voice Will and Bill, two krill with a budding bromance who escape their swarm on an existentialist quest to become ‘one

yahoo

Directed by matthijs van heigningen jr 

cheap thrills but no substance or development in the film’s storyline.

This makes for an unstructured story that is often nauseating but rarely enthralling.

The acting on a whole is good, but the script too basic to allow the characters to develop into individuals that are relatable in any way. As a result, this means that the whole plot of the film is unmoving because it merely charts the massacre of a group of people who we couldn’t care less about.

Another problem with the film can be found in its use of CGI. The ‘Thing’ itself is a disgusting construction that leaves no room for the viewer’s imagination. We see a revolting combination of different organs that is an eyesore every time it comes onto the screen. However, such explicit vulgarity does not allow for the creation of any sense of fear or tension.

This is highly problematic in a film that is supposed to be of the horror genre, and thus intended to create an unsettling, creepy atmosphere.

The Thing shouldn’t really have been made. It is a pointless prequel that is rather unpleasing to watch.

twitchfilm

the thing

in a krillion.’

The film’s animation is stunning, its most impressive feat being the attention to details in the texture of the snow, the fluff of the penguin chicks and underwater scenes in superb 3D, akin to the footage of Frozen Planet itself.

Apart from the popular song mashups in the first sequence of the film (strengthened by the vocals of P!nk), the soundtrack has two left feet, failing to be as catchy as its predecessor’s with often overly-sentimental lyrics. A passing reference is made to environmental issues such as global warming and responsible fishing but the educational aspects fail to make a lasting impression.

The real problem with the film however, is the lack of coherence between storylines. The role of aliens (humans) is ambiguous, and the hilarious sub-plot of the krill never converges with the plight of the penguins and seems to serve only as diversion from the rather chaotic main story. But if light-hearted diversion is what you’re after during the festive season, then Happy Feet Two delivers with all singing, all dancing versions of the birds that continue to top the avian popularity charts.

Kate Hamilton

Coming soon to a theatre near you Nina Seale looks at some of the films hitting cinemas this Christmas here is something for everyone this T Christmas, and The Student has selected an array of upcoming films to keep you busy until we come back...

FAMILY FAVOURITE: New Year’s Eve, December 9th After Valentine’s Day had a bit of a flop, America is having another attempt to make its own Love Actually, right down to the national holiday theme with an all-star cast layering a multi-story extravaganza. With the same director as Valentine’s Day, lets hope Garry Marshall pulls a better trick out of his hat with big names like Michelle Pfeiffer, Zac Efron, Robert De Niro, Halle Berry, Katherine Heigl, Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker and Jon Bon Jovi at his fingertips. Whilst providing a cast list isn’t ideal, at the moment this appears to be the film’s biggest attraction.

CRUDE COMEDY: The Sitter, December 9th The Sitter promises to hold all the dodgy humour and embarrassing jokes you’ve been missing since The Hangover Part 2. If you’re into slapstick humour, then the story of a suspended college student forced to babysit the psychotic kids next door, will definitely appeal to you. Rumour has it that when you try to take a young, dominatrix, sociopath-in-training and a goody-twoshoes out on a booty call, some serious trouble arises.

DOUBLE-LIFE DRAMA: I Melt with You, December 9th Wouldn’t you love to find out your husband and the father of your children has a seedy past of drugs and affairs hidden by a dark pact with his oldest friends? Well, luckily for you its very unlikely but you can go and watch I Melt with You, a film about four friends from college who reunite once a year and take a trip to the past where sordid secrets are unearthed and disasters erupt that threaten the success stories of the characters’ jobs, families and reputations.

HISTORICAL ROMANCE: W.E., December 9th Remember the troublesome older brother in The Kings Speech who gave up the throne for a married woman?

This film, brought to us by the Queen of pop, Madonna, explores one of the most infamous scandals of the twentieth century. Entwined with a modern romance of an unhappy wife obsessed with researching the star-crossed lovers who becomes entangled in an affair with a Russian security guard. The trailer gives a glimpse of great acting and a clever two-tier storyline that should make this a classy film worth watching.

ROMANTIC COMEDY: Young Adult, December 16th

Our Christmas Rom-com has Charlize Theron starring as an ex-high school beauty queen who returns to her old town to dive back into her glory days and reclaim her old sweetheart.

The ‘psychotic prom queen bitch’ goes on a no-holds-barred mission to ruin her old flame’s marriage with the help of an unlikely friend from the past.

The storyline looks predictable and the jokes mediocre, but if you want to see what it looks like when the girl you hated from school never grows up, this film is for you.

ANIMATED: Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked, December 16th You probably already know whether or not you want to see a film with cute furry animations singing in high pitched voices, but here is storyline anyway. Your favourite fluffballs have been marooned on a tropical island, and while struggling to stay alive on mangos, they sing a lot of chart hits in chipmunk voices.

SEQUEL: Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, December 16th Hold onto your seats, we have another intricate murder mystery with Robert Downey Jr playing the best of british detectives. Flying high with special effects, guessing games and an attractive cast, the manic genius is back to stop the collapse of western

civilisation by Holmes’ new adversary Professor Moriarty. If you watched the first film about ‘the man who sees everything’ then you will definitely agree this production team is worth another trip to the cinema over Christmas.

CRIME THRILLER: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, December 26th It is rumoured that Johnny Depp, George Clooney and Brad Pitt fought Daniel Craig for his role in the Hollywood adaptation of Stieg Larson’s bestselling novel. The film centres around a troubled young woman with a history of sexual abuse, who joins forces with a disgraced investigative journalist to solve the cold case of a woman’s murder. The success of the Swedish adaptation of the film in the UK hopefully foreshadows a similar box office hit from this version of an incredible story.

GLAMOUROUS ACTION: Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol, December 26th An undeclared act of war on Russia, misplaced blame, big guns, men in suits and sunglasses create the special effect’s field day that is the next Mission Impossible. Tom Cruise and his team go rogue when their organisation is implicated in the bombing of the Kremlin. If you enjoy the James Bond action genre, the fourth Mission Impossible is something for you.

films televised during December each year. Endless showings of Toy Story and Love Actually illustrates the public’s fundamental desire to see something light hearted and fun, whilst also managing to capture the Christmas spirit. However, for the cult enthusiast, there are a multitude of options which allow for alternative viewing, so long as you don’t rely on the TV guide to make it happen.

Regularly featuring on lists of worst films ever made, Santa Conquers the Martians (1964) is an alternative Christmas tale that sees Santa kidnapped so he can bring Christmas joy to the people of Mars. Featuring a young Pia Zadora and one of the most entertaining attempts at creating a polar bear in cinema, it remains a great cult classic. For fans of The Flaming Lips, Christmas on Mars (2008) is a definite must see. Written and directed by the band’s frontman Wayne Coyne, and featuring the entire band in the cast, this is arguably the most psychedelic sciencefiction Christmas feature around.

Containing an almost indecipherable plot and frequent bouts of colours and foetuses, Christmas on Mars epitomises cult cinema.

A Muppet Christmas Carol would be the obvious film from the Jim Henson Company to watch at this time of year, yet they boast a number of other great Christmas features. Most notable of these is made-for-TV movie The Christmas Toy (1986). In a world where toys play when people aren’t watching, but who are frozen forever if caught out of their normal place, Rugby the plucky tiger plush toy is on a mission to try and be this year’s Christmas present, so he can remain the favourite toy for another year. With more than a passing similarity to Toy Story, it is undoubtedly one of the best low-key Christmas family films. Babes in Toyland (1986) is another television film and features all the necessary elements for a top notch cult film: a young Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves, singing, nursery rhyme characters, a villain who lives in a bowling ball and Pat Morita (AKA Mr Miyagi) as the Toymaster. Despite being a relatively atrocious film, it remains entertaining nonetheless.

Horror is a genre which dominates cult Christmas films, from the slashers of the ‘70s and ‘80s to more recent attempts at bringing a scare factor to the festive season. Some of the classics include Black Christmas (1974), Christmas Evil (1980), Gremlins (1984), Santa’s Slay (2005) and Jack Frost (1997). However, Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984) is one that particularly stands out. The development of the lead character, who becomes increasingly psychotic after witnessing the massacre of his parents, justifies it as one of the better horror Christmas classics.

Finally, no cult Christmas is complete without Scrooged (1988).

It’s fantastic blend of horror and comedy, starring Bill Murray as a conceited, cynical TV executive makes it the first stop for anyone looking for alternative Christmas viewing.

Ali Quaile

Tuesday December 6 2011 studentnewspaper.org

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22 Music 22

2011: a year in albums

Haven't written your Christmas list yet? Only buying presents for yourself this year? Music have got some suggestions for you.

Bring me the horizon

PJ harvey Let England Shake concept album exploring the A horrors of war, Let England Shake was never going to be easy listening.

Haunting vocals and stark imagery evoke nightmarish landscapes, yet brutal lyrics are seamlessly interwoven with rousing melodies and instrumental flair to create a uniquely emotive work, full of poignant and infectious tunes.

Andre Baird

A

lthough it often goes unnoticed, because to the untrained ear their music is simply noise: these guys are the future of rock. Toned down for a slightly more melodic sound, this album fuses metalcore, punk and electro to create a sound which, if refined slightly more, could be the hard edged sword with which rock music slashes its way back into the mainstream.

Gregor Crockett Cubie

elbow

bon iver

Build A Rocket Boys! uy Garvey described Elbow’s G latest effort as The Seldom Seen Kid’s ‘little brother’, and whilst it is an

easier listen that its magnificent, but occasionally desolate predecessor, it is no less remarkable. Lyrical genius is matched with outstanding musical prowess to stunning effect, and with the mesmerising, "Lippy Kids", and the euphoric, "Open Arms", this is 2011’s most delightful pearl.

Phil Smith

the douglas firs Happy As A Windless Flag he debut album from one of EdT inburgh’s best, and more underappreciated acts, Happy as a Windless

Flag can’t really be compared to other albums released in 2011. The album is a dreamy, surreal experience that has to be listened to as a single entity to be fully appreciated, though it’s beautiful and strange and surprising all at the same time.

Sam Bradley

little dragon Ritual Union he most charismatic frontwoman T since Karen O, butter-soft beats and sleekly poetic lyrics combine to

make this album nothing short of stunning. Listen to it when you get up in the morning, before you go out at night, when you're falling asleep (honestly – it's surprisingly soothing), and any times in between that you get the chance.

Anna Feintuck

the vaccines

There is a hell, believe me, I've seen it; there is a heaven, let's keep it a secret

Bon Iver

B

on Iver, aka Justin Vernon et al, followed up their chillingly divine debut album this year with a somewhat warmer collection of tracks in the form of the self-titled Bon Iver. The 10 track EP manages to masterfully infuse a surfeit of: blasting horns, spectral synths, lulling guitars and damning drums resulting in a delectable thirty-nine and a half minutes of music.

Max Sanderson

What Did You Expect From The Vaccines?

C

onfident, classy, smooth and yet so edgy; The Vaccines have a debut album to be proud of. The opening highlight "Wreckin’ Bar" is one minute twenty one seconds of pure, upbeat magic. Hitting every note with deceptive ease, they could just be the ones to watch in 2012.

Katie Walker

Kanye West and Jay-Z

friendly fires Pala ne look at the hypnotically O iconic parrot that adorns the cover of Friendly Fires’ second album

is enough to flick the switch on anyone’s conscious mind, and teleport them directly to the utopian world of Pala. Caught in a dreamy limbo between reality and illusion, Pala oozes hazy, trance- inducing lullabies and leaves behind comforting clouds of tranquillity, peacefulness and calm, rendering it an exhilarating change from their cowbell-infested debut…

I blame the bird.

Devon Bianchi

Watch The Throne

Kanye West is a

ll this list needed - apart from maybe some Beyoncé.

Kanye’s last effort My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy was this year trumped by the biggest collaboration in rap. With seminal club tracks such as "Ni**as in Paris" coupled with beautiful pieces like "Church in the Wild" and all-out funkouts like "That’s My Bitch", Watch The Throne is one of the greatest rap albums of the past decade.

Daniel Swain

metronomy The English Riviera t’s hard not to fall in love with The IdidEnglish Riviera. With its splensynths and seductive basslines, Metronomy fashioned an effortlessly cool album which was the perfect soundtrack to any dreamy summer afternoon. Yet, even now, with my gloves and scarf on (indoors!), this album retains its brilliance.

Tom Kinney

Follow us on twitter @TheStudentPaper or on Facebook at facebook.com/TheStudentNewspaper �������� Tuesday ��������� December �� 6 ����� 2011� music@studentnewspaper.org �������������������� studentnewspaper.org

Music 23

Star Rating  Bing Crosby Wham! Shakin' Stevens Mariah Carey Wizzard

Live laura marling St Giles Cathedral 28 November



T

he blustery and dreich Edinburgh weather on this evening enhances the gothic atmosphere of the St Giles Cathedral: the venue chosen for the performance by folk musician Laura Marling; and perhaps explains why someone mistook the queuing fans for a ghost tour. Laura Marling’s unusual choice of a cathedral tour of Britain follows on from completing a similarly niche-market summer tour of the Scottish Highlands and Islands: it seems the folk singer is keen to retain an unconventional and interesting aspect to her performance in her choice of venue. It is clear Marling has a fascination with Scotland (she later mentions her desire to move to Edinburgh), and that this feeling is reciprocated strongly; with many tickets going for obscene prices on ebay, this is a gig with an immense anticipation and expectation about it.

Unassuming and unaccompanied by her usual collection of folk musicians, Laura takes to the stage in such a quiet manner, many do not realise she has arrived until the opening notes of, “I Was Just A Card” echo through the cathedral. Starting with the fragile whispered refrain which builds to a more confident full sound, this opening track demonstrates the range of Laura’s voice perfectly, and confirms

Albums The Wombles The W Factor DRAMATICO

 ary Barlow, listen up. Kelly RowG land, get ready to throw your pen.

Who needs the X-Factor when you’ve

got the W-Factor? Not since Steps announced their reunion has the music industry been filled with such excitement.

After an appearance at Glastonbury this year, the Wombles are back with their re-mastered album of greatest hits: The W Factor. That’s right, everyone’s favourite eco-conscious band are back to pick up litter and fill our ears with nostalgia once more.

Womble fans will be pleased to know that the classics are here in all their glory, including “Remember You’re a Womble”, “The Wombling Song” and festive favourite, “Wombling Merry Christmas,” which is sure to rival the XFactor winner for the spot of Christmas number 1. With a total of twenty songs on the album though, there’s something for everyone here. Orinoco leads his furry friends through a medley of tunes, moving with ease between musical genres and showing more versatility than any of the X-Factor contestants.

In true Womble spirit, the album is overwhelmingly cheerful, but this is offset by some gentler tunes, like the laid-back “Wellington Goes to Waterloo” and the moving ballad “Wipe Those Womble Tears from Your Eyes” in which Orinoco’s voice croons out a tale of Womble woe that is likely to melt even the hardest of hearts.

If you’re reaching for a tissue, fear not, woe is not generally the Womble way. The brilliant “Superwomble” can’t fail to bring a smile with its upbeat

the audience’s expectations: Laura’s voice is unfaltering and record perfect throughout the entire performance.

The choice of venue is so fitting to Marling’s voice: the great acoustics and hushed environment of the cathedral means every nuance of her multi-faceted voice, ranging from the gravelly whispers of “Night After Night”, to the soaring vocals of “Rambling Man”, is magnified in this striking setting. To say the venue does her voice justice is an understatement, and so respectfully silent are the crowd that at times, even the traffic outside can be heard, and the cathedral bells complement some songs in a wonderfully unintentional manner.

Not one known for her easy banter, Laura’s endearingly awkward, ‘fun facts’ and pauses while she tunes her guitar, only go to show her humble nature, and by treating fans to lesser known songs such as hidden track “Alas, I Cannot Swim”, Laura enhances the intimacy of this performance to make it even more memorable. Yet the great acoustics of St Giles demonstrate how Marling seems to grow in confidence: her voice growing in volume and strength during “I Speak Because I Can”; and closing with the leading single from her latest album, “Sophia”, where her voice soars above the high arches of the cathedral.

Even the attempted standing ovation by a few individuals at the end seems like an intrusion: awed silence seems like an appropriate response to this uniquely personal and intimate performance. Unforgettable.

Mairi Innes

tempo and hilarious background choir of Wombles, who have presumably just swallowed the contents of a helium balloon.

Always morally upright, the Wombles are never without a lesson or two for us. The hilariously titled “Exercise Is Good for You (Laziness Is Not)” is a song we might all learn something from as that time of year fast approaches when we will be eating ourselves into a turkey-induced coma.

There is simply nothing bad about this album and with those looming exams, we could all do with more of the ‘W’ factor in our lives.

Oh, and finally, have a Wombling Merry Christmas everyone.

Rebecca Brown

saw doctors HMV Picturehouse 26 November

 o the uninitiated, the allure of the T Saw Doctors might seem mystifying. They are an Irish rock band, who,

in a similar vein to Bruce Springsteen singing about his New Jersey home, stick with the Irish countryside they grew up in when sourcing their inspiration for song material. This explains the wide range of Irish accents to be heard around the Picturehouse on the night of their first gig in Edinburgh in a number of years. They are in fine form throughout, and kick off the show with “Exhilarating Sadness”, before moving into a few songs off the new album, including the hard rocking “Hazard”, singing about still having rock n roll after the recent financial crisis in Ireland.

Moving back into a few slowerpaced songs, mainly dealing with the loneliness of country life, the band deliver with real authenticity. They then swing into a few of their classics: the hilarious “Bless Me Father” and a tribute to their favourite DJ, “Tommy steel panther K”, before whipping out their current single, and bid for Christmas number 1, the 60’s classic “Downtown”, which goes down brilliantly and has the crowd singing the whole way through.

The gig then slows down with extended versions of “Green and Red” and “Clare Island”, songs about their Galway home which send the Galway portion of the crowd ecstatic. This

venom

Fallen Angels UNIVERSAL

 enom are one of the most influential V heavy metal bands of all time. This band from Newcastle can rightly claim

themselves to be the first extreme metal band and nearly every genre from thrash to black metal takes something from them. Despite this it feels like it’s been a long time since they’ve been relevant in the modern day metal scene. Numerous line-up changes, with lead singer Conrad “Cronos” Lant the only remaining original member, haven’t helped either. ���� Taking this into account you approach a new Venom album with trepidation. This, however, is certainly not a bad one.

is followed by their reworking of the william Sugababes hit “About You Now”, the song which securedshatner them their second number one in the Irish charts. The last song before the encore is the heartfelt “On My Way”, which brings a tear to many an eye.

“

Moving back into a few slower-paced songs, mainly dealing with the loneliness of country life, the band deliver with real authenticity."

It is then back out for the encore which is kicked off by an acapella version of their classic “Red Cortina”. The rest of their fan favourites get an airing and send the crowd singing and jumping into a frenzy. “N17”, an Irish classic about the effects of emigration during the 80s, is a great rocking number, which everyone there on the night have been waiting for. Revisiting their first ever number one, “I Useta Love Her”, which truly brings back memories of growing up, the band then finish things off with a song which would mystify most city folk; “Hay Wrap”, which unsurprisingly is about baling hay.

Overall the Saw Doctors are a must-see live band, who know what the audience want and spend the whole gig striving to give it to them.

Niall Carville

The production of the album show’s Venom’s roots; if someone told you this came out in the 80s you wouldn’t be surprised. The muddy bass and general sound makes you think of dark basements and rats, in a good way of course. There’s also a few great head banging tunes with opener “Hammerhead” slamming you straight into it, while “Beggarman” is instantly catchy and has you tapping along to its repeated refrain. They also still find the time to be controversial, although rather than being scary like many perceived it to be back in the day it may just seem a bit silly, on tracks like “Hail Satanas.”

This album isn’t going to turn Venom into Metallica and doesn’t even stand up to some of their best albums but, still, it is a pretty good Venom album. It gives you what you want: songs to headbang to that sound like they belong in the darker pits of the world.

Stuart Iversen

Christmas with The Wombles Joshua Angrave meets Wimbledon's finest

How do you find the time in-between cleaning the common and making chart popping hits? Is the common being looked after in your absence?

The common has hardly changed.

We’ve always lived together in The Burrow, even when we’ve not been on stage and we’ve been looking after the common like we always do.

What’s the deal with the new Wombles Uncle B?! Fill us in about the new groovy gang!

As you may know from our song “Wombles Everywhere,” there are Wombles all over the world. There are no new Wombles on the common though. Uncle Bulgaria is only 335 years old after all! Mme Cholet is training Alderney up on the bass guitar though. That way, we’ll get fed on time even when we’re rehearsing or playing gigs!

How did your Glastonbury performance go? Were you guys in your element out in the fields, do you think you’ll manage moving out of suburbia and back into the limelight? It’s a tough world out there with the new X Factor wannabes!

We loved playing Glastonbury. It took Orinoco days to calm down afterwards! It was the first time we’ve ever had a go at playing a totally live, one hour gig too, and the crowd were brilliant – they all took their free Womble masks home, not one was left on the ground! We don’t really watch much television but we just hope that people enjoy our music and have fun!

If you do get the number 1 spot this year at Christmas what will you guys do? Plans for a late hibernation or USA here we come?

Great Uncle Bulgaria says we can open a bottle of Mme Cholet’s dandelion and burdock cordial, which is very exciting. Mme Cholet is also cooking us a vegetarian turkey – although finding a turkey which is vegetarian is very difficult….and of course we’d do The Womble Burrow Boogie (‘cause if you do The Womble Burrow Boogie you’ll be Wombling for the rest of your life…)

Will you be coming on tour again?

Edinburgh’s got lots of lovely green space you could hang out in!

Thank you for the invitation! We hear people in Scotland are partial to dandelion and burdock cordial so we’ll get Mme Cholet to make some 'specially if we come up. We’d love to tour…as long as we can keep Orinoco awake long enough!

Tuesday December 6 2011

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Look forward to Christmas' only activity with Alistair Grant, Nina Seale, Gregor Cubie and Anna Feintuck Absolutely Fabulous

Back on the screens for the first time since 2005, the Absolutely Fabulous Christmas special promises a longawaited return to the vacuous world of Patsy and Edina. Confirmed guests include ‘edgy’ fashion designer and general icon for nepotism Stella McCartney, gold-medal winner Dame Kelly Holmes and former Spice Girl Emma Bunton, who is very kindly taking a well-deserved break from her role as an all-round regular of shit TV. The trailer promises an updated version of the old formula, with iPads and tweeting high on Edina’s narcissistic agenda. Hopefully it will play out simply faaabulously, daahling.

The Borrowers

Based on the classic children’s books

by Mary Norton, the BBC’s adaptation of The Borrowers this Christmas promises to bring the ‘world of the tiny Borrowers who live under our floorboards into the

21st century.’ Hopefully they won’t take this concept too seriously; there’s only so much cyber-bullying, hip-happenin’ street talk and single-parent families earnestly portrayed on screen a man can take. This being the BBC, the cast looks fantastic: Stephen Fry, Victoria Wood, Christopher Eccleston and ex-Misfits star Robbie Sheehan to name just a few.

It will no doubt be gooey, folksy and self-consciously up-to-date – but hey, it’s Christmas.

Great Expectations

What’s that? You’re desperate for another costume drama based on classic literature, featuring an all-star cast and written by an established television writer? Well, well, well. Doesn’t ole’ Uncle Beeb have a treat in store for you.

This Christmas sees the long awaited BBC adaptation of Great Expectations, written by Sarah Phelps and with a cast so filled to the brim with talent it’s almost as if this was a classic serial television drama based on an established piece of canonical literature. To name

but a few of the big names: Gillian Anderson, David Suchet, Douglas Booth and, rather terrifyingly, Ray Winstone as criminal-turned benefactor Abel Magwitch.

Doctor Who Special

England, 1941: a mother and her two children have been evacuated to a house in Dorset, where an eccentric caretaker has a suspiciously familiar blue phone-box in his bedroom. The preview of the Doctor Who Christmas special has explosions, a Narnia-like world hidden in a Christmas present, spacemen with big guns and ominous Cybermen footsteps. The countdown has begun and the Doctor Who website has an advent calendar of games and previews to whet your appetite for the alien infested madness that will hit your screens on Christmas day.

Black Mirror

Charlie Brooker knows pop-culture; whether raging against the machine for

Desperate scousewives E4 Mondays, 10pm

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T

he biggest service one can do the grotesque Desperate Scousewives is to compare it to a similar programme, Made in Chelsea, which is also terrible; their characters are victims of their own desperate quests for fame. This means that they allow themselves to be manipulated by the producers through a series of unlikely and incestuous situations out of which no good can come. However, in Made in Chelsea, they possess a degree of self-awareness.

Desperate Scousewives completely lacks this level of consciousness; the victims in this farce actually seem to think that they are fooling the audience into believing that the absurdly contrived situations in which they find themselves are any more organic than the cheap fake-tan smothering their smug faces. Worse, they are shallow enough to think that these scenarios

are of some importance because they are vaguely scripted by a team of writers deemed sub-Hollyoaks.

The reason Made in Chelsea can, in some ways, pass as a reality show is that the cast can be trusted to follow the course of a carefully manipulated situation without having to be told precisely what to say. In Desperate Scousewives however, the protagonists are devoid of any kind of initiative other than exposing whatever body part is necessary to get on camera.

A couple of exchanges are so stilted that it seems that they don’t actually understand what they are ‘saying’, like a small child reciting a passage of Shakespeare. Sadly, these adults fall at the same hurdle when simply required to exchange a light-hearted line of dialogue.

The fact that Desperate Scousewives made me appreciate Made in Chelsea shows that it is one of the most singularly disgusting creations in history: Dr Frankenstein or the professor from The Human Centipede would vomit with rage were their good names tarred with the same brush as this monstrosity.

Gregor Cubie

BBC

CHRISTMAS: An excuse for being a fecking eejit.

Charlie's Angels E4 Wednesdays, 8pm

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s it has already been cancelled in the US, the signs did not point to a classic in the making, although Seinfeld almost suffered the same fate and it didn’t turn out badly. However, not only is the reboot of the ’�������������������� ��������������������� 70s detective-drama not a classic, it is barely even a detectivedrama.

All of fifty seconds pass before it descends into what used to be referred to as ‘jiggle tv’, which would have been too much to handle when I was thirteen. But for viewers not crippled by hormones, white-dresses and black cat suits not only fail to qualify as entertainment, but set the feminist movement back about twenty years in one scene.

That said, as soon as the acting begins, it is possible to see why the director thought such aggressive sexualisation was a good idea; the lead actresses’ CVs must consist entirely of roles like ‘hot girl #2’, which should tell most casting directors that they can’t act. Indeed,

the Grauniad, reviewing video games, or imagining zombies in the Big Brother house - as he did in the postmodern carnival of horrors Deadset - he knows what grabs the public’s attention. The first installment of his new venture will follow a kidnapped member of the Royal Family (resembling Kate Middleton, obviously), the resulting frenzied social media coverage of every moment of the crisis and the dilemmas facing the (fictional) Prime Minister.

Although Brooker often strays towards the hyper-cynical, Black Mirror looks to be a thrilling, dark and clever prospect.

Christmas Food TV

Once again it is Christmas and, correspondingly, Jamie, Gordon, Nigella et al, are having programmes from previous years repeated – or repeating what they did on said shows to such an extent that they may as well not have bothered making anything new. But hey, it’s a time of tradition and who am I to complain if I get to watch Jamie Oliver put his hands in a turkey? I really don’t know what more any girl could ask for.

Jamie’s giblet-covered hands are something of a niche taste, however, and for those who prefer a bit of Nigella (I’m cheerfully salacious about anyone remotely attractive who does things with food on TV, but I must say she’s my favourite by quite some way) her Christmas Kitchen is easy to find and will almost certainly be shown on Good Food or something as well. It’s pretty hot.

Finally, a special mention: The Student Christmas award for quirky twist-on-a-classic has to go to Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall’s mince pies made with – you got it – real meat (the best bit is when he tries to sell them at a Christmas market and barely anyone will have a bite).The moral: eat, drink and be merry, but please don’t go putting meat in things that really shouldn’t have meat in them. the on-screen chemistry suggests the awkward breakfast the morning after a drunken orgy.

The script does not help matters; lines such as ���������������������������������������� “��������������������������������������� she puts the �������������������������� ‘������������������������� cat���������������������� ’��������������������� in ‘cat burglar’���� ’���’, put the ‘��������� ���������� crap����� ’���� in ������������������������� “������������������������ crap television show���� ’’��.

The shocking thing is that the show's creators fired a writer before settling on the purveyor of such nonsense, which suggests that the first draft, ������������ in order to be worse than the cheesy, unnatural mess of a final copy, must have�������������� consisted of nought but racist obscenities.

The plot too seems to be something of an afterthought; vagaries about Russia, child-trafficking, El Salvador – it all seems to be a bridge between actionscenes designed to reel in simpletons. The only comparison which can be made to explain the careless construction of the programme is that of The Expendables - written by a man whose brain must now be more silicon than neurons and of which Charlie’s Angels was eerily reminiscent.

Add in the sloppy production and awful, sugary soundtrack and Charlie’s Angels epitomises how not to make a television programme. In the end killing it off quietly after four episodes was doing it a kindness.

Gregor Cubie

&

FOUND Cartoon Network

Christmas Television Preview

LOST

freakazoid!

The WB (1995) youtube.com

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ost and Found ventures back into the dark recesses of my childhood this week, to present the weird and wonderful superhero comedy Freakazoid. Airing way way back in the 90s, Freakazoid, created by Steven Spielberg, Bruce Timm, and Tom Ruegger, achieved cult success in America, its home country, but in Britain it only received a short run on Cartoon Network in the 2000s.

This is a shame – because it’s fucking brilliant. Freakazoid is animated in the style of Ruegger’s other great creation Animaniacs. Its loose ‘plot’ is driven by the adventures of the eponymous character, the superhero alter-ego of super-geek Dexter Douglas. However, the relationship between Freakazoid and Dexter is slightly deranged – with switches between the two resulting in total personality change and occasional memory loss.

Freakazoid, like Animaniacs, draws its humour from slapstick comedy, cultural references, and abundant breaches of the fourth wall – with Freakazoid regularly calling for the firing of staff members or cutting to stock footage with himself super-imposed onto it e.g. dressed as Julie Andrews singing in the Austrian hills.

The show is incredibly cleverly written, the wacky, unflappable and spiky-haired protagonist showcasing a seemingly endless string of punchy one-liners. His conversations with other characters are also downright strange at times, resulting in dialogue such as “Cosgrove, why didn’t you ever marry?” “I like meat too much.” “Oh”.

Indeed, it wouldn’t be unjustified to say that there is not a sensible line of dialogue in the entire 24 episodes of the show. The flawless writing also extends into the omniscient narrator, who comments on the bizarre goings-on with appropriate flippancy– “At a local high school, a group of teenagers are having a dance in honour of daylight savings time” announces the voice of a 1920s newscaster.

The animation, like most shows of the cartoon renaissance is absolutely beautiful and has not suffered the dating that cartoons such as the Simpsons have, it still looks pretty sublime even today. The sound effects are over-exaggerated for comic effect, with tracks ripped straight from the golden age of cinema movies and taken to eleven.

Freakazoid is one of the funniest cartoons ever written, and is one of the greatest pieces of light entertainment ever made. I mean, you should probably go and watch it. Seriously, who writes this stuff? And who does this guy think he is, telling you to go and watch stuff like he’s the god of entertainment or something? – geeeez.

Daniel Swain

Follow us on twitter @TheStudentPaper or on Facebook at facebook.com/TheStudentNewspaper Tuesday December 6 2011 studentnewspaper.org ����������������������������������� tv.studentnewspaper@googlemail.com

Star Rating A fully functional TransformerPlaystation 3 AND LOADS OF GAMES Lindt Reindeer Satsuma in the Stocking Piece of Coal

The aspirations of Amber Atherton Daniel Swain talks to Made in Chelsea's Amber Atherton about her new business and the role of reality television

Myflashtrash.com is slowly starting to capture a dominant share of the online jewellery market. We have a cult following in the UK and increasingly in the US, goal wise I want to see Flash Trash globally. Creating a neural impulse– I want to buy jewellery, I'll log on to myflashtrash.com.

Are you targeting a specific niche market, or trying to reach as broad a market as possible?

The early adopters of Flash Trash fitted a niche profile of a confident fashion-aware market. Now as our ranges have grown so has our customer base. Although our eccentric aesthetic (at fashion week we were branded tongue in cheek chic) may appeal most to students we have jewellery that appeals to everyone from ageing rockstars to cougar mums to kind old ladies and girls next door.

Not just in the UK, but globally.

Given your exposure do you consider yourself a role model to young women and/or men for that matter?

I started my first company at 9 (a website selling books and CDs) and

since then there has never been a time when I have not been pursuing some business venture or another.

Chelsea has given myflashtrash.com a fantastic marketing boost as well as my profile as a young entrepreneur. I would hope to inspire as many young women and men as possible that working for yourself is the ultimate ticket to freedom and happiness.

Congratulations on your recognition as an entrepreneur, what do you think is the key factor in your success as a businesswoman?

Thank you! Sheer determination and confidence is key but not enough.

You must have the research, network and market to succeed. Never give up and always adapt. Business is a board game that is as much about your reactions as it is your actions.

How do you feel you are portrayed on Made In Chelsea?

Chelsea portrays an exaggerated highly edited version of yourself. As I’m not a key player, my episodic appearances tend to be quite frivolous but then again I’m the only one in the cast who actually works so that may explain the portrayed distance.

What is working on the Made In Chelsea set like?

Its a lot of fun. I think the crew should have their own show. They sort of feel like a second family now.

We’re normally just sitting around waiting for our scene so we’ll joke around with the runners making diva demands. I mean, if they don’t have lightly salted peanuts on set there will be drama.

How real are the events in Made In Chelsea?

Imagine your daily events massively exaggerated, then edited, and you’ve got Made in Chelsea. I’d say the reality/ constructed ratio is about 4:6.

Critics are divided over shows like Made in Chelsea, some see them as the future of light entertainment, whereas others have described it as vacuous television - what do you think?

The structured reality genre of shows like Chelsea fill a voyeuristic niche in the Television market. Its like people-watching and facebook stalking combined. At times I agree that storylines are dragged on to the

SHameless USA

INTIMIDATING: She's actually very nice. point of vacuous no return but its on the most part fairly amusing. Its definitely a genre I think will continue to grow. maybe ‘New Town’ is next?

Is Made In Chelsea’s success surprising to you, given the social tension in Britain today arising from the present economic situation?

Chelsea is ultimately an aspirational programme. It reflects a high flying lifestyle that is achievable no matter of class or postcode. In our current financial climate is it surprising that cinema ticket sales are up and shows like Chelsea are successful?

I don’t think so. Its a form of light hearted escapism.

Channel 4

What are your long term business goals for myflashtrash?

Got your eye on the ball? Email sport@studentnewspaper.org

November 68 2011 2011 Tuesday December studentnewspaper.org

27 Sport 27

Festive Football Fatigue

Injury Time

Chris Dyer compares the English hectic footballing schedule with Europe's winter break before play re-starts on the 21st January.

This will inevitably put these countries at an advantage when Euro 2012 begins.

Indeed, reigning World and European champions Spain enjoyed a mid-season rest before prevailing in Euro 2008 and the 2010 World Cup and will go into next summer’s Championships in an equally strong position, which can only aid them in their cause to retain their crown.

Unlike their European counterparts, players in the English Premier League will not be so lucky; they must endure a relentless domestic programme over the festive period.

“

Unlike their European counterparts, Premiership players must endure a relentless domestic programme over the festive period."

For instance, whilst the Bundesliga takes its annual winter break, teams in the Premier League will be faced with a schedule comprising of six games over twenty seven days- a gruelling task which is bound to have an impact especially on the players whose teams may well reach the latter stages of the Champions League and the Europa League, both of which run into May on top of the domestic action. Consequently, this will leave just a few weeks for players to recover before

the start of Euro 2012 in Poland and the Ukraine in June.

England’s recent failures in international tournaments have been put down to fatigue, which manager Fabio Capello has been quick to cite as the reason why his players who, despite playing to their maximum week-in, week-out for their clubs during the season, seem to underperform when it comes to the international tournaments in the height of summer.

On top of the England manager his predecessor, Sven-Goran Eriksson, and Manchester United boss, Sir Alex Ferguson, have expressed their desire for the introduction of a winter break following the congested fixture period over Christmas.

“I’ve been saying this for years,” Ferguson blasted in an interview last April. “It

is not just to give players a rest. It is to get rid of all the injuries they carry.” The Scot was quick to point out, however, that TV companies would simply not approve of such a move, remarking that “somehow [the TV companies] just will not listen to the people who matter in the game – supporters, players, staff, and coaches.”

It has to be said, therefore, that the sooner a winter break is introduced into the Premier League schedule, the better. If England want to give themselves the best possible chance of success at future World Cups and European Championships,then sacrificing the annual ritual of festive football is an absolute must.

Fans and TV companies may not like it, but in the long-run, it could well prove a masterstroke.

BURN OUT: Capello would like the introduction of a winter break

Paulblank

It’s been a part of the staple football diet over the Christmas and New Year period for many a year, but are we still in favour of a feast of festive football, or is it time to copy our European neighbours and bring in a winter break for the good of the players and the success of the English national team? Admittedly, supporters up and down the country never tire of watching their stars turning out over the Yuletide season.

Nevertheless, England’s recent performances in both European Championships and World Cups in comparison to Spain, Italy and Germany, countries whose players have the luxury of being able to recharge their batteries mid-way through the season, suggest that the argument for a festive football freeze is a compelling one.

The fact is that between them, Spain, Italy and Germany have won two World Cups and one European Championship and have finished as runners-up in three European Championships and two World Cups during the last 20 years which could well have something to do with the extra rest they receive over winter break.

This season, as has been the case for many years, all of the aforementioned countries will take a break from their respective domestic programmes. The last round of fixtures before the start of a winter break in Spain’s La Liga takes place on the weekend of 17th-18th December, with the league resuming three weeks later on 7th January. In Italy, Serie A takes a break after the 21st December and resumes like La Liga on 7th January.

Germany’s Bundesliga has the longest break: after the 18th December, players will have a month’s worth of respite

A male-dominated arena once again

Phil Smith reveals his dismay at the absence of a female nominee on the shortlist for SPOTY 2011 dominated coverage of sport in the media.

Forget the upcoming film about Margaret Thatcher, 2012’s ‘Iron Lady’ can only refer to the remarkable triathlete Chrissie Wellington, the first ever Brit to win the World Championship event. This year, she took the title for the fourth time, and incredibly, remains unbeaten over the ironman distance. There will, however, be no recognition for her achievements.

There is no recognition, either, for Hayley Turner, the first female Group One Jockey winner. Turner is largely responsible for a dramatic increase in female jockey apprentices since the turn of the decade, and her sterling work deserves similar if not greater coverage than that of Andy Murray or Amir Khan, both of whom are still to achieve a career defin-

IRON LADY: World Champion Chrissie Wellington was omitted

Dontworry

It is an event eagerly anticipated by the whole of the sporting world, producing some wonderful moments almost as memorable as the events it is designed to celebrate. Who can forget the stunning reception awarded to Sir Bobby Robson upon collecting his lifetime achievement award, reducing the iconic and much loved figure to tears, or indeed World Superbike Champion James Toseland showing off his masterful piano skills at the 2007 event.

This year, however, BBC Sports Personality of the Year is threatened to beovershadowed entirely by the lack of a single female nominee on the prestigious short list. It is a tragedy and an insult to Britain’s burgeoning female sporting talent, and casts a serious shadow over the male

ing victory. Her omission is all the more staggering when you consider that 2009 winner Ryan Giggs, later to be revealed as serial adulterer, was nominated primarily for being the ultimate role model.

Surely Turner is the kind of role model we should be celebrating.

All in all, this years débâcle is no real anomaly, and simply reflects a long-term media trend of neglecting women’s sport.

Eleven time parlaympic champion Tanni Grey Thompson claimed in the aftermath of the short list announcement that only 2% of media sport coverage goes to women, and as such, it is not difficult to see why the publications that nominate the contenders are consistently voting along male dominated lines.

The BBC has been quick, perhaps fairly, to absolve itself of blame, as it takes no part in the nomination process. As a publicly funded body, however, it must surely take greater responsibility in ensuring the kind of fair and equal coverage that will lead to more significant recognition and avoid such travesties as this year’s shortlist.

Sports Personality of the Year has, it must be noted, routinely recognised female achievement in sport, recognising winners such as Paula Radcliffe, Zara Phillips and Dame Kelly Holmes. However, it is no coincidence that these are also renowned Olympic athletes, which is seemingly the only arena in which women are given equal coverage. Of all the female winners since 1984, only Jane Torvill has not taken part in an Olympic Games.

This point is further highlighted by

the scandalous neglect of the English women’s cricket team. In 2009, they were victorious in the Ashes, the World Cup and the World 20/20. The team award however, was handed to the men’s team.

Consider too, Clare Taylor, never once nominated for an award despite indisputably being the world’s finest player, and the first female ‘Wisden Cricketer of the Year’.

The nomination process must be overhauled, either dumping ‘Lads mags’ like Nuts or allowing female orientated publications to nominate too.

What is most depressing about the affair is that it will overshadow a remarkable year of British sporting achievement and the incredible feats of our male athletes. British golfers have risen to a state of unprecedented dominance, with Luke Donald as World Number One, Rory McIlroy bouncing back from humiliation at the Masters to seal a stunning US Open triumph, the youngest winner of that event since 1923, and Darren Clarke’s first major win at the UK Open.

In cricket, England has soared to the number one test team, with Alistair Cook displaying form rarely seen since the likes of the great Sir Donald Bradman.

Most frustratingly, it will overshadow what must surely be the coronation of Britain’s finest sportsman, the ‘Manx Missile’ Mark Cavendish. His achievements are unrivalled and staggering, and it is a tragic shame that they will not receive the recognition they deserve in the current climate of furore that surrounds a once much loved event.

takes A WRY look at the world of sport St. Nick is a Barnsley Fan! I often think about Father Christmas. Not in that way, sickos. I think about him because I’m curious as to what football team he’d support.

This is a man with an occasional occupation, he could give out presents on any day of the year and yet he makes sure that his gift giving takes place and is finished off on one specific night.

The only possible explanation for Santa working on December 24 is that it means he can be fully recuperated and ready for the Boxing Day fixtures, ready to lie around in his own holiday sweat, scoff on his missus’ mince pies and bemoan offside decisions.

He’s a football fan if ever I’ve seen one. But of whom?

His attire of red and white gives his game away a little.

Perhaps Arsenal then? I’d like to think that Father Christmas’ characteristics would mirror his footballing allegiance. He’s a fat, beardy blob of compassionate joviality, Arsenal are a sexy, slippery, clean shaven whippet with a wicked oppressive nature. Santa’s not a Gooner.

He’s a chubby cuddle of a man that only sporadically gives out joy, spending the other 364 days in a determined slumber, believed in by the juvenile, only to eventually spit his suspect existence back in your face by being just an overweight uncle.

If there is one club as red and white and intermittently brilliant, as tubby and careless as Santa, it’s Barnsley F.C; adorable as anything, but ultimately just scruffy men running around in red and white. They’re the only club that can muster the same once-in-a-year excitement. And so it is with supreme confidence that I can confirm that FATHER CHRISTMAS IS A BARNSLEY FAN. Who’s next? Jesus Christ?

Sure. If nothing else, Jesus was a bit mad. Anyone who spends their days turning water into wine and not Budweiser is a bit of a nutjob in my eyes. He also died, and then came back to life. And though his crucifixion was not because of financial irregularity, his resurrection and curious mental psyche does bear a striking resemblance to the rise and revival of the artists formerly known as Wimbledon F.C. I don’t know Jesus personally but I’m pretty sure that as he lay underneath the thatched roof of a makeshift barn, with the power and pleasure of omniscience bestowed upon his cherub cheeks and a lightning scar on his forehead, (woops, wrong story), he would have seen the turbulent times of Wimbledon, the loopy highs and the desperate lows and been more than happy to be a devoted fan of the Owls.

And then he probably got sick on Mary’s tits. He was only a baby after all.

Jack Murray

Sport

studentnewspaper.org

Tuesday December 6 2011

Festive football fatigue

Chris Dyer discusses the drawbacks of a hectic Christmas schedule P27

Football unites in shock and grief

Chris Waugh pays an emotional tribute to Gary Speed whose recent passing rocked the sporting world 134 goals. Speed won the First Division title in 1992 with Leeds United, the only major trophy he won in a career that deserved so much more.

Having left Leeds, after eight years as a fans’ favourite, Speed moved on to Everton where he spent two seasons in their first team. In 1998 he then made a surprise transfer to the North-East and to Newcastle United.

The Welsh midfielder enjoyed his best years at the club under the stewardship of Sir Bobby Robson. Speed was a key component of the first team; as a senior member of the squad, alongside Alan Shearer and Rob Lee, Speed helped the side to reach the Champions League as well as appear in two FA Cup finals (unfortunately losing both).

In what many thought would be the twilight of his career, Speed moved to Bolton Wanderers in 2004 and enjoyed four years at the club, remaining one of the most consistent midfielders in the Premier League. The final club of Speed’s career was Sheffield United, who he then went on to manage ������������������������� briefly������������������ , as he ended his playing career at the age of 40.

Twenty-two years as a professional footballer in the top two divisions in England is an impressive feat and Speed was an integral part of every team that he played in during that time.

The proud Welshman also played for

his country 85 times – a record for any Welsh outfield player and the second most capped Welsh international ever – scoring seven goals and captaining his national team for almost half of his international appearances.

“

Speed's ability as a player was only exceeded by his calibre as a person."

What is perhaps most surprising about Speed’s apparent suicide is the fact that he was managing the Welsh national side that he loved so much. Ten games into his managerial career and Speed had a solid 50% win ratio and his young side were beginning to find their form with victories against Switzerland, Bulgaria and Norway in their previous three matches.

The one positive that has come from this situation is that the head of the Players’ Football Association, Gordon Taylor, has reported that ten footballers have contacted him citing depression since Speed’s death. Hopefully, depression in sport will begin to be addressed properly and more sportspeople will seek help and advice in their battle with this misunderstood disease.

Speed’s ability as a player was only exceeded by his calibre as a person and that has been shown by the endless tributes that have flowed in from footballers, manager, pundits and fans alike. No-one has a bad word to say about Gary Speed, and the tributes that have already taken place in the last week and the ones that will occur in the coming weeks at Elland Road and St. James’ Park highlight the loss that the sporting world has had to endure.

Shay Given’s tears before Aston Villa’s game with Swansea City and Craig

Bellamy’s before Liverpool’s Carling Cup clash with Chelsea display the shock and sadness that is currently being felt in the footballing community.

Gary Speed was a wonderful footballer but more importantly he was a wonderful person, a devoted husband and a loving father. Our thoughts go out to his wife and children at this terrible time.

Rest In Peace, Gary Speed, from a Newcastle fan who appreciates all that you have ever done for football and is devastated by your passing.

MARK OF THE MAN: Tributes have flooded in for Gary Speed

Away day glory for basketballers Aspiring sports journalist?

Chris Waugh reports on an excellent BUCS win for Edinburgh

Women's Basketball

Strathclyde Unviersity 27 University of Edinburgh 99 Edinburgh were the beneficiaries of one of the most fortunate BUCS qualifier draws in recent years as Edinburgh's Women’s basketball firsts headed westwards last Wednesday to play Strathclyde University. A historic rivalry exists as many league and cup titles have come down to the difference of a point or two between them.

However, anyone with hopes of a closely fought battle like those of the past was quickly proven wrong.

Edinburgh took a commanding lead early on which only grew as the match progressed; Edinburgh were only denied a century of points by the whistle.

Fiona McCusker and Sarah O’Brien, someone who rarely disappoints, put on an impressive show together from three point range, while Fran Iwanyckyj found her shooting range inside the arc which

ensured the home team had no hope of making an unlikely comeback.

Captain Alison Mitchell explained that she was “thrilled” to be going to the Final 8s in her last year at the University of Edinburgh.

Exchange student Neha Bakhai and PhD scholar Agata Daleszynska have been extremely unfortunate and will have left the Scottish capital before the tournament in March.

“

Edinburgh were only denied a century of points by the whistle."

Coach Jim Mitchell praised his side’s efforts and explained how it was a “massive achievement” for the team to get to the tournament.

Mitchell also stressed that, despite the convincing win over Strathclyde, there is still plenty of work to be done before Edinburgh can hope to compete in the Final 8s in March.

Overall BUCs Standings 6th Exeter 7th Edinburgh 8th Manchester

1486 1346 1239

Edinburgh BUCs Points 1st Hockey 2nd Fencing 3rd Swimming 4th Lacrosse 4th Table Tennis 5th Tennis

138 128 117 108 108 106

Wed 30th November Results Northumbria 1st 99-52 Edinburgh 1st (Men's Basketball) Oxford 1st 3-6 Edinburgh 1st (Men's Hockey) Dundee 1st 1-3 Edinburgh 1st (Men's Volleyball) Edinburgh 1st 0-1 Loughborough 1st (Women's Hockey) Edinburgh 1st 2-3 Loughborough 1st (Men's Squash) Sheffield 1st 8-12 Edinburgh 1st (Men's Lacrosse) Loughborough 1st 77-12 Edinburgh 1st (Women's Netball)

Then be sure to enter this competition!

The Barclays Aspiring Football Writer Competition has been launched and it is looking for the best up-and-coming amateur football writers in the country. The Football Writers’ Association (FWA) has endorsed a competition that is looking to tap into the very best youth talent, including those from universities around the country and to offer them a snippet of what life is like as a national journalist.

Aspiring sports journalists are offered the chance to win a week’s work experience with the MailOnline, alongside a trip to a Barclays Premier League match (on a press pass) with a leading member of the FWA. The match will take place at Manchester City’s Ethiad Stadium and will include First Class rail travel to Manchester, one night’s accommodation in a four-state hotel and a tour of the press gantry at the stadium. Even those who do not win overall but whose work has impressed the pundits will have their work published online at http://www.barclaysfootballwriter.com and three runners-up

will win a meeting with a top football journalist and some Barclays Premier League merchandise.

The judges – who include BBC pundit and Metro columnist Mark Bright, MailOnline Sports Editor Mike Anstead, Barclays Current Accounts Director Dan Wass and Chairman of the FWA Steve Bates – are looking for several qualities in the winning article. Those qualities include an in-depth knowledge and understanding of the Premiership, an article that is grammatically correct with accurate spelling, perfect punctuation and a precise, wellpresented and clear writing style.

However, a unique quality that the judges will be looking out for is an original and creative insightful approach to football reporting, as this will separate you from any normal amateur journalist.

To enter the competition you must be between the ages of 16 and 30. Articles and match reports (of no more than 500 words) must be sent into barclaysfootballwriter@lexispr. com by 6th February 2012.

Joncandy

Last week the world of sport rallied together to pay tribute as one of football’s most loved and respected footballers was found hanged in his home. The Welsh national manager Gary Speed was discovered by his wife just before 7am on Sunday 27th November and the terrible and unexpected news quickly spread across Britain that football had lost one of its favourite sons.

Whenever a celebrity passes away, tributes tend to refer to them in a positive light. The tributes for Speed, however, went above and beyond this; more abundant than normal and exceptionally personal and affectionate. Fans of rival clubs rushed to display their condolences, highlighting the love they felt towards the former midfield maestro and their shock and distress at the awful news.

Alan Shearer shared his disbelief with the BBC by saying that he felt “numb”; Robbie Savage was inconsolable when interviewed on BBC Breakfast; and Sky Sports News Presenter Bryn Law broke down live on television after revealing that he had sent Speed a message saying, “���������������������������������������� sick rumour going around, mate. Please give me a call.������������������������������� ’������������������������������ ’ Tragically, the call never came.

Gary Speed had only friends in the footballing world, no enemies. He was respected by all in a career in which he amassed 840 club appearances, scoring