Tertangala UOW FREE STUDENT MAGAZINE
GENDER & SEXUALITY ISSUE
ISSUE FOUR / 2019
Tertangala noun MEANING: SMOKE SIGNALS The name originates from the language of the Wodi Wodi people of the Dharawal nation. Some suggest that the name was chosen to parody the atmosphere of Wollongong’s industrial city. ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF COUNTRY The Tertangala acknowledges the traditional custodians of the land upon which we meet and work, that of the Dharawal people. We pay our respect to their Elders past, present and future, for they hold the memories, the traditions, the culture and the hopes for Indigenous Australia. DISCLAIMER The University of Wollongong accepts no responsibility for this publication.
DISCLOSURE The contents of this publication are made for and by the students of the University of Wollongong. Views expressed are of the individual authors and do not necessarily reflect those of the University of Wollongong.
CONTENTS
GENDER & SEXUALITY ISSUE
2
EDITOR’S NOTES
5
FEATURES
6
Gender & Sexuality Playlist
8
Identity Terminology
12
To The Lady On The Bus
14
Sexuality
16
What I’ve Learnt So Far From Being Newly Single
18
Coming out to someone who doesn’t want to be come out to
20
Blue and Red
30
Flesh and Bone
33
POETRY
34
A Piece to the Puzzle
36
Dysphoria: A Collection
44
Valley of a Lily
GENDER & SEXUALITY // ISSUE 4
PRINT EDITOR / EMILY JENKINS
What a bloody honour it is to be able to provide a space for students from all walks of life to embrace who they are, and yell it from the proverbial rooftops. The Gender and Sexuality edition is always my favourite issue of the Tert, it’s liberating to know there’s others out there with the same gusto and speculations about navigating identity. It can be tricky, enthralling, and consuming all at once, but establishing our own meanings of gender and sexuality is a process we each go through in our own time. I’m so thrilled to live in a time where we can express our feelings about it openly, and I’m even more thrilled to share some of those expressions in 2019’s final Tertangala. Again, what a bloody honour.
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EDITORS NOTES
COORDINATOR / ALEC HALL
Wow, what a year it has been. So many wonderful and compelling pieces of work have found their way to our dinky little mag, and I couldn’t be happier. When I decided to run for the position of Tertangala Coordinator, I didn’t know what I was getting into. I remember thinking “Oh, this will be easy,” but wowee was I proven wrong. But I was not alone in working for this magazine, the two best editors I could have hoped for – Emily and Sarah – did some amazing work and helped me figure out what the hell we were doing. This edition, Gender and Sexuality, is close to my heart. The first time I interacted with the Tertangala was in the editing of the 2017 edition of Gender and Sexuality, I remember reading pieces by other students who seemed leagues ahead of me in both maturity and their own lives. It was one of the moments where I realised that being a student as university is more than just earning a degree, its about building relationships, discovering who you are and most importantly telling the world who you are. That’s why I am so happy to see all these stories and written works telling the world who these authors are and what they believe. It’s weird to think this is the last editor’s note I’ll write this year; it feels like yesterday that I picked up my keys to the media office. But here we are, end of the year with a new one coming. When you reads this edition think about how critical it is that as students we openly and freely duscuss who we are and what we want to be. Also like I don’t know, have a bourbon or something.
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GENDER & SEXUALITY // ISSUE 4
BREAKTHROUGHS PLAYLIST UOW MUSIC SOCIETY LISTEN TO THE PLAYLIST AT https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6phRKs8hhlxbVbSE8B7jPr?si=5fFp0vHwTKS-kqvA1vohmQ&fbclid=IwAR28UMu72llMg6ycY5Hsjz13E1UpSEDb9mAJ9jGY7z2IKBCmwJk9KkQRoPs
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FEATURES
I’M COMING OUT – Diana Ross CHERRY BOMB – The Runaways WALK AWAY – Cry Club TO THE MOON AND BACK – Fever Ray LOLA - COCA COLA VERSION – The Kinks SOUTHBEACH – Breakwall YOU’RE A FUCKING JOKE – Bec Sandridge O LORD – Cub Sport TRULY MADLY DEEPLY – Savage Garden IT’S OKAY TO CRY – SOPHIE BOYS WILL BE BOYS – Stella Donnelly
I’M AFRAID OF MEN (REMIX) – Too Attached feat. Peaches V.I.P. – imbi the girl I AM NOT AFRAID – Owen Pallett HOOPED EARRINGS – The Front Bottoms MAN! I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN! – Shania Twain (YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE) A NATURAL WOMAN – Aretha Franklin CLOSER – Nine Inch Nails SEX – Rammstein FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL – The White Stripes OB-LA-DI, OB-LA-DA – The Beatles I’M TOO SEXY – Right Said Fred
PYNK – Janelle Monáe feat. Grimes
YOU SEXY THING – Hot Chocolate
MY NECK, MY BACK (LICK IT) – Khia
A BOY NAMED SUE – Johnny Cash
KOI – Le1f JUNKY – BROCKHAMPTON TRUE TRANS SOUL REBEL – Against Me!
IF I WERE A BOY – Beyoncé BORN THIS WAY – Lady Gaga GIRLS LIKE GIRLS – Hayley Kiyoko
WALK ON THE WILD SIDE – Lou Reed
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IDENTITY TERMS FROM THE ALLSORTS QUEER COLLECTIVE
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FEATURES
ABROSEXUAL - an individual that has a fluid and/or rapidly changing sexuality that fluctuates between different sexualities AFAB – Assigned female at birth* AMAB -
Assigned male at birth*
*Note: AFAB and AMAB can also be called coercively assigned or designated e.g. camab or called dfab/dmab for designated rather than assigned ANDROGYNY – An androgyny gender
experience, which may be neutral (lacking gendered traits), mixed (feelings a mix of gender traits), o a gender experience which is completely separate AGENDER – The experience of a lack of gender AROMANTIC – An aromantic person
can be someone who doesn’t experience romantic attraction, and/ or has little interest or desire to form romantic relationships. ASSIGNED GENDER – The gender a person is assigned at birth, usually by a doctor or midwife. In the global north, gender assignment is usually based on arbitrary measurement of the clitoris/penis ASEXUAL – Also known as ace, ase, a, nonsexual, AVEN (asexualaity. org) defines an asexual person as “someone who does not experience sexual attraction”. Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like in the sexual community; we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other will date
and seek long term “partnerships”. Asexuality can also include people who misidentify with standard sexual culture, as we don’t feel like we fit in with the socially dominate framework of thinking about relationships, attraction, intimacy, design, pleasure, attractiveness etc. in terms of sex and sexuality. See also aromantic, demisexual and gray-a. BAREBACKING SEX – Unsafe, unprotected sex. Most commonly used in reference to gay sex. BIOLOGICAL SEX – Separate from gender, this term refers to the cluster of biological chromosomal and anatomical features that determines whether a person is assigned male, female or intersex. It is important to note that the idea of sex is socially constructed. BI/BISEXUAL – An orientation that
refers to the romantic and/or sexual attraction of individuals to other individuals of two or more genders. Often seen as the attraction to people of your own gender and people not of your own gender. CIS/CISGENDER/CISSEX –Terms to describe people who are not trans, genderqueer, or sex and/or gender diverse. Cis people’s assigned gender, gender presentation, gender identity and sex tend to align in the way trans, genderqueer and intersex, sex and/ or gender diverse people’s do not. These terms are designed to make cis peoples identities visible, instead of simply referring to them as ‘normal’ or ‘not trans’ CLOSEST – Queers who are not public about their sexuality and said to be “in the closet”
COMPULSORY HETEROSEXUALITY – Compulsory heterosexuality refers to the idea the heterosexuality, as a default sexual orientation, can be adopted and forced on people regardless of their sexual presences COMING OUT – A psychological and social state in which a person is not safe or able to fully disclose their identity to family, friends, co-workers, classmates, themselves and others. CUPIOSEXUAL AND CUPIOROMANIC
- subsets of asexuality and aromanticism. A cupiosexual is one who does not experience sexual attraction, but still desires a sexual relationship. Likewise cupioromanic does not experience romantic attraction but desires a romantic relationship. DRAG OR IN DRAG – Wearing clothes considered appropriated for someone of another gender. Originally used in Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre to mean Dressed As or Dressed Resembling a girl. Referred to male actors who play female roles. It is good practice to use the pronoun of the gender they are emulating (e.g. using “she” for drag queens) DEMISEXUAL – Refers to an orientation where a person only experiences sexual attraction to another based on pre-existing emotional or romantic attraction or connection FEMINISM – Feminism is the advocacy of social, political and legal equality between all genders, understanding that historically the feminine has been considered to be worth less than masculine. This also involves understand that this cause intersects many other causes against racism, transphobia, homophobia, ageism, ableism and classism /9
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GAY – A male-identifying person with an sexual orientation predominantly towards other make identifying persons. However ‘gay’ has also been used as an umbrella term referring to the person identifying as a member of the same-sex attracted community GENDER – A social construct of masculinity and femininity brought on and imposed by society. Gender is NOT the same as sex and is more interpreted n the interacted by the individual gender and should be viewed as a spectrum GENDERFLUID – A gender experience,
which changes in nature over time GENDER EXPRESSION – Refers to the ways which people externally communicate their gender identity to others through behavior, clothing, hairstyle, voice and emphasizing or changing their bodies characteristics. Gender expression is not necessarily an indication of sexual orientation GENDER BINARY – This is the idea that there are only two genders, man and women and these neatly correspond to two biological sexes male and female. The gender binary represents a system under which individuals are divided into those two categories, thereby prescribing gender roles that dictate a range of attributes and behaviors that are considered to be acceptable. The queer community does not embrace these binaries. GENDERQUEER – A genderqueer person is someone who doesn’t fit into the traditional gender binary system, and might not be either being male or female, or may identify as both. Some genderqueer people possess a little of both binary genders, while other may identify as having no gender, or perceive their gender as being something completely separate from 10/
the two binary genders. GREY-A – Refers to an identity that acknowledges the grey area between asexuality and sexuality. This can include people who only occasionally experience sexual attraction, or people who have low sex dive, or people who experience both sexual attraction and sex drive, but don’t want to act on them, People may identify as grey-a for any number of reasons. HETERONORMATIVE – Used to describe the manner in which many social institutions and social policies reinforces particular beliefs, including that human beings fall into two distinct gender categories (women and man) and that sexual marital relations are normal between two people of differing genders. Heteronormativity is the norm and that other sexualities are peripheral. In the words of Dorothy Parker, “Don’t confuse normal with common.” HETEROSEXISM – The name given to the system (sometimes also referred to also heteropatriarchy) by which heterosexuality is privileged and promoted, and non-heterosexual ‘lifestyles’ are dismissed and marginalized. It is the broader privileging of heteronormativity. It also attaches a series of different meanings to those sexualities it draws itself in contrast to. INTERSEX – Intersex is physical difference
in anatomical sex. That is, physical differences in reproductive parts like the vulva, clitoris, ovaries, testicles, penis and so on. Intersex is also the physical differences in secondary sexual characteristics such as muscle mass, hair disruption, breast development and stature LESBIAN – A female- identifying person with a sexual orientation predominantly towards other female-identifying person’s
NON-BINARY – A gender experience, which stands outside the binary genders of ‘man’ and ‘women’. Nonbinary individuals may feel like neither men nor women, something else entirely, or any combination thereof simultaneously, or some of these things some of the time. However, some people can be non-binary men or non-binary women. This can be for numerous reasons (such as not fitting strictly into the box of being a man or women but still getting a lot out of the title, or simply not mindly the gendered pronoun.) PATRIARCHY – A patriarchal society is where men and masculine are considered to have more value that women and the feminine, and are given social and institutionalised privilege PANSEXUAL – A sexual orientation that can be attracted to all gender identities. Gender is not a contributing factor for the person sexual attraction to other individuals
Polysexual – Polysexuality is attraction to some, but not all, possible genders. This is not to be confused with bisexuality, which is attraction to the two binary genders, or pansexuality, which is attraction regardless of gender. POLYAMORY – The belief or practice of loving, enjoying the romantic or sexual company of, flirting, kissing, dating and/or sleeping with more than one person at the same time. It deconstructs the scripts of romantic and sexual relationships given to us by monogamy and can refer to a multitude of relationship dynamics. The shorthand version of polyamory is polam or polya.
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PINK DOLLAR/PINK WASHING – Describes the purchasing power of the Queer Community. Often associated with political donations, but also extends to entertainment, consumables ad property, with some companies tailoring productions or services directly to this demographic. Things can be marketed towards the Queer community to achieve the ‘pink dollar’ PINK TRIANGLE – The symbol gay men were forced to wear in Nazi concentration camps. It was reclaimed later by the queer community and became a symbol of gay pride. QUEER - A term used in a number of different ways*
1. A sexual identity that acknowledges and embraces diversity of sex, gender and sexuality and rejects socially imposed categories 2. An umbrella term for lesbian, gay, bi, tans, intersex and all other sex and gender diverse people 3. It is also used as a way of reclaiming a once derogatory term of abuse *Note: the term above has been used as an umbrella term as a way of reclaiming its power. This is not used by all people who are not heterosexual or cisgender and is still considered extremely traumatic in some cases. QUEERPHOBIA – The irrational fear of queer people that manifests itself in overt discrimination and more subtle behaviors that you may not immediately recognise. Queerphobia is an extreme manifestation if heterosexism, and in many ways this is only the outward expression of a problem woven deeply into the fabric of many societies. Internalised queerphobia is a way if describing
how queer people themselves act in queerphobic ways because of external queerphobia. Queerphobia can exist within the queer community between different groups. QUOISEXUAL - a sexual orientation where one experiences something between romantic and sexual attraction (or platonic and sexual), cannot differentiate between types of attraction, or does not know what sexual attraction feels like and therefore does not know if they experience it SEXISM – Socio-cultural institutional, ad individuals beliefs and practices that privilege men and subordinate and denigrate people according to their gender. SEXUAL DEBUT – A term coined by vlogger Laci Green, to promote understandings of first time sex that are non-shameful, gender ad sexualitydiverse and destabilizing of normal, normative notions of what it means to have, or not, have sex. STONEWALL –Stonewall was a bar
in New York City renowned as a queer hangout. In the summer if 1969 New York police raided the bar in an attempt to arrest patrons engaging in illegal ‘homosexual acts’. Patrons fought back and rioted, and the event is often attributed as having a critical importance in the beginning of a new radical ad militant agenda for queer people in resisting oppression.
bigender, androgyny, third gender, non-gendered people and many more. It is important to remember that there is o stereotypical trans person’ – some trans people alter their bodies while others so not, some aim to be perceived as men or women while others are comfortable presenting an ambiguous appearance. In addition, gender identity is a fluid thing for a lot of people so what may be true for someone at one point their life, or week, or day, will not necessarily be the way they identify or perceive themselves at other times. TRANSITION – Using resources, medical or otherwise, to present as something other than one’s assigned sex.Can also refer to the psychological or social state of being comfortable living out of the closet (socially and psychologically) as your true gender. TRANSPHOBIA – The irrational fear or hatred of those individuals who transgress the dominant gender categories in a given society. TRANSMISOGYNY – The negative attitudes, expressed through cultural hate, individual’s ad state violence and discrimination directed towards trans women and trans people on the feminine end of the gender spectrum. Often seen as the extreme double standards for women of trans experience to pass or conform to gender standards (such a feminine beauty or being subversive).
TISGD – Stands for Trans, intersex, sex and gender diverse. TRANSGENDER – An umbrella term that refers to individuals who do not identify with their biological sex either some or all of the time, and/or do not conform to a gender binary. Many identities can be included under this umbrella such as transgender, transsex, genderqueer,
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TO THE LADY ON THE BUS WORDS / JOEY ECCLESTON
I consider myself one of the lucky queers. I have a supportive family, few
“What I don’t understand is, why is your being gay more important than my
people in my high school were willing to be openly homophobic, and I don’t
heterosexuality?”
tend to look visibly queer unless I work at it. As such, I’ve never really had much homophobia thrown my way. That’s why when I experienced homophobic
I am not a confrontational person. Nor is my partner. We ignored her. She
harassment in public for the first and only time in my life, almost exactly a year
continued to scold us for taking up seats meant for disabled people until my
ago today, it stuck with me so much.
partner explained that she has a disability, information she should not have had to disclose to a stranger, just to get her to leave us alone.
It happened in the most cliché place to ever get publicly harassed: on the bus. My partner and I had been asked by a woman a while earlier about our
I thought about that incident for a long time. What was realistically a very mild
various rainbow accessories and badges. I had replied that they represent gay
and non-threatening encounter was incredibly frustrating to me, and continued
pride, and figured that was the end of it. On the free bus a few weeks later, we
to be for some time. I think it’s because I didn’t respond. I knew exactly what I
encountered the same woman. She began to tell us off for being two young,
should have said, but I didn’t say it, because I was afraid of confrontation.
seemingly healthy people sitting in the courtesy seats, despite the numerous free spaces around us. She even tried complaining to the bus driver. When
So I’m going to respond now. To the lady on the bus, and to everyone who
we chose not to respond and the bus driver ignored her, she sat back down,
thinks like her.
furiously talking to herself under her breath. I finally realised the real reason she was upset with us when she muttered “talking about gay pride…” before raising her voice again. 12/
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Dear Lady On The Bus,
even when it put them at risk, who were harassed, fired, beaten, and even killed because they stood up for the rights I benefit from. I wear them in solidarity with
Ma’am, I do not wear these rainbows because I think being gay is better than
those who cannot wear them.
being straight. And I wear them because I am proud. Because it took time to get to where I I wear them to show closeted queer people, to show queer young people, to
am today, to stop feeling wrong and broken and bad just for being who I am.
show any queer person who needs it that there are people like them all around them, that there is a community that will support them wherever they go, and
The world is not kind to queer people. Politicians still publicly talk about us with
that they are not alone. You see, being queer can be isolating. Queer youth
blatant disgust and hate. We are considered by many to be sinners, mentally
have higher rates of mental illness than their straight peers, are more likely to
disturbed, sexual deviants, and predators. There are still countries where people
self-harm, be bullied, abuse substances, experience violence, experience
are punished by law for who they are. One day three years ago I awoke to the
homelessness, commit suicide. I wear them because when I was twelve, seeing
news that 49 people had been shot to death for being like me. In a world that
someone proclaim their gay pride would have made me feel so much less bad
vilifies queer people, having and showing gay pride is an act of strength and
about myself.
courage.
I wear these rainbows to celebrate how far we’ve come in the advancement
Ma’am, in having pride in being gay, I am not implying that my being gay is
of gay rights, and as a reminder of what we have yet to achieve. I wear them
more important that your heterosexuality. My gay pride is in direct response to
to honour those who came before me. The people who wore these rainbows
those who would tell me that I should be ashamed. /13
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SEXUALITY WORDS / LAUREN SMITH
When I was about 11, I was sitting on my couch in my loungeroom. Big Brother
I met new people, I took new drugs, I got with girls.
was on the TV and it was Friday Night Games time. The girls were in bikinis and the guys were in speedos. That was the first time I felt that feeling when you
Then I got in a relationship with a boy.
really like something you see. I never felt a need to come out. I always said, ‘I’ll come out when I have a Little 11-year-old me got horny watching big brother.
girlfriend’ and well that’s what I did. I ended things with the boy I was dating for a year to explore my feelings for this girl. My dad and I were speaking out
It was this weird mix of emotions. I liked what I was seeing however I felt this
the back of his house and he asked about my ex-boyfriend. I said ‘Yeah, well
weird shame and guilt for feeling this way towards these girls on TV. I didn’t
you know that girl who has been coming around like every day... Yeah, she’s
grow up in a particularly religious family and as I grew up, I realised my sexu-
my girlfriend’.
ality it didn’t matter to my family. I have a weird relationship with my dad but by no means would he reject me But later that night I remember crying myself to sleep thinking ‘shit I’m gay’.
for coming out and I knew this. However, I was nervous saying it out loud. Nervous in a way to ‘make it official’. My dad’s face changed to an overbearing
When I was in school, I was that weird one in the group that didn’t talk much.
grin as he exclaimed ‘I fucking knew it. So, what are you lesbian?’. We chatted,
So, it’s safe to say I wasn’t hooking up with many people, let alone girls. When
I told him I was bi, and he went on to tell me he always thought so.
school finished and we were all out of the little fish tank there was this weird rush of freedom that took over. 14/
In my experience, being bi is this weird middle ground where you can be
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not gay enough or too gay. Both partners felt they weren’t the gender I really wanted to be with. Dating is more than just what you’re physically attracted to. I’m equally attracted to men and woman. It is romantic attraction which I am struggling to analyse. I am currently in this confusing process of trying to figure out who the heck I want to date while trying to ignore the bystanders devaluing my sexuality because of my femme exterior.
Long story short, sexuality is weird and confusing. But sex goes alright.
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COMING OUT TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T WANT TO BE COME OUT TO WORDS /JOEY ECCLESTON, THEY/THEM
My grandmother is a conservative Baptist lady from a small Welsh mining
Bearing this in mind, I shouldn’t have been surprised by her reaction when I
town. Being her grandchild is a strange experience. She has always cheerily
tried to come out to her as bisexual when I was nineteen. Not wanting to make
ignored my rejection of all things feminine. Her first grandchild, I grew up being
a big deal of it, and rarely having contact with her outside of my mother’s
told she had hoped for a granddaughter, and had been so happy when I was
phone calls with her every few months, I asked my mother to just mention it off-
born. Her next three grandchildren were boys, and she visibly favoured me
hand every so often, and hopefully gently ease her into the idea. My grandma
over them, blatantly because of my sex. Despite my clear directions otherwise,
is the nosiest person I know, so I expected Questions. Many Questions.
she bought me Barbie houses and jewellery for my birthdays and Christmas, and every year her gifts would remain in the packaging while I confiscated
After their next phone conversation, my mother walked into my room with a
my younger brother’s Ninja Turtle figures and toy swords. She talked at length
shell-shocked expression.
about wanting to see me get married, and the great-grandchildren I would give her, despite my swearing off marriage and children by age seven.
“Nothing.” “Nothing?”
This relaxed to an extent when I was ten, when another cousin was born, who lived much closer to my grandmother and was too young to object to the wave
“She didn’t say anything. She just changed the subject.”
of pink and glitter that my grandmother brought forth every Christmas and birthday. But every time I talked to my grandmother, I was astonished by how little
My mother told me she had mentioned that I had been involved with the
she actually knew me, and how much she had deluded herself about who I am.
university’s Queer Collective, and my grandma, without making any acknowledgement of that statement at all, had instantly begun talking about her church
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events. Persevering, my mother talked about a queer event I had attended.
As hilarious as it has been, this whole bizarre saga has taught me that some-
Again, an immediate change of topic. We laughed hysterically about the
times, it doesn’t matter whether you hide something, hint about something, or
absurdity of the situation. No “Oh, that’s nice.” No “It’s a sin.” Not even a good
say something outright. Some people will only hear what they want to hear.
old-fashioned “No grandchild of mine.” No reaction.
Sometimes, people will look at you without seeing you. They are too invested in the version of you they have created inside their minds to bring themselves to
We realised more than ever in that moment that my grandmother cannot bear
acknowledge the real you. Maybe one day my grandmother will no longer be
to see me as anything other than her dear young granddaughter. The grand-
able to reconcile her distorted view of me with what she sees in reality. I don’t
daughter she always wanted. The granddaughter who will wear pink dresses
know how she’ll react then, but at least we’ll be able to have an open and
and babysit the little cousins and marry a nice man and have a daughter of
honest conversation about it. Until then, I’m going to continue being as queer as
my own, who may or may not be named after my grandmother. The fact that I
possible in front of her, and see how far she can really go to ignore it.
have never been that granddaughter, that everything about me has screamed “queer” since my early childhood, doesn’t seem to get in the way of her fantasy.
This has continued for four years. Every time one of us has a conversation with her, in person or over the phone, we ramp up the gay. We talk about Mardi Gras, we talk about gay clubs, we talk about my queer friends, my girlfriends, my year as a head of the Queer Collective. I am two awkward birthday dinners away from wearing a shirt that reads “I AM A GAY.” /19
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BLUE AND RED SHOT / STEPHANIE YIN MODELS / ROSIE LINDSAY & BLAKE SIMPSON AGENCY / TEEL STUDIOS I have chosen two colours that often are used to represent binary gender; blue as a metaphor for masculinity and red in relation to femininity. The colours merge in the middle to create a gradient. The colours combining and complimenting each other is a visual representation of gender fluidity.
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FLESH AND BONE ARTWORK / SIENA MONTGOMERY
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POETRY
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A PIECE TO THE PUZZLE. WORDS / JODIE MENNELL
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A tangible tension escapes my lips, As I stare into yours. They are glistening with tempt. I reach out with hope Into your eyes Which tell me tender nothings. I’ll imagine those slick bodies gleaming on the beach In the sun For as long as yours lays bare for me to touch And tug at, and tower over. And after nervous talks, You hide with a blush That I am responsible for. ~ I’d scratched open the last three foil folds, Threw my head back, little round relaxants clawing at my throat Trying to jump back out! The nerve! – I swallowed. I was floating when I had first met you, yet this time there was no guilt weighing me back down. Maybe I shouldn’t be glad to attribute such a feeling to a chemical reaction? Perhaps I shouldn’t be reliant on them in the first place. Too late. It’s very hard to navigate. ~ We draw stares on the train, but I knew it was all for you. We fumble over each other in a flurry of touches, and you fill up an entire carriage with the effervescence of your laugh and of course, your inescapable beauty. You have a soaring soul, caring and ethereal. I feel tainted and stained and cruel in your company. And I suppose that it why we are never destined to work this time. (My own struggles of course – not yours) I took you to a bar and we drank together, I couldn’t help but inhale drinks, and drink from your voice. You’d never looked so angelic bathed in that golden light. I was in awe. I am in awe. I had to steal that light off your lips. There were many mistakes I made that night, and afterwards, too. But kissing you would not be one.
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DYSPHORIA: A COLLECTION WORDS / LU BRADSHAW This collection examines a persona falling into a spiral of panic, disassociation and resentment with a body that does not belong to them, with the final poem Hands presenting a respite, a brief moment of healing.
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OFFICEWORKS We like to refer to Officeworks as a liminal space. Time is bent laterally And slips under our spinning wheelie chairs on the blue-speckled linoleum. They genuinely don't mind if you fuck around on the wheelie chairs, Which right now feels like what we really came to do. Fancy markers cost $10.98 Which is about double the money I have in my bank account And about a thousand times less than The money it will take To save my life. Officeworks is, somehow, all things. Giant boxes of Arnott's cookies Next to poster hanging strips Nurofen And a neon pink desk organiser. I could live here. I could live in a space where time isn't real, Where we scoot around on wheelie chairs and forget that we are sad. Where markers cost $10.98 but the desk organisers go for a dollar And nothing matters You only have to pay When you leave.
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GENDER & SEXUALITY // ISSUE 4
ODE TO TITS My neighbour may KonMarie her heirloom dishware Because she finds it no longer sparks joy But for me to KonMarie my heirloom breasts Is mutilation Is denial Is disrespect. Objectively, You are good breasts. Just not Mine. I'm sorry. You did nothing wrong. But neither did I, And your existence makes me want to tear my skin off. So I think fair's fair. You feel like Drowning, like Standing on top of a burning building You feel like a little man in my head is banging a big stick on a tin bucket Very, very loudly And yelling as loud as he can. I'm sorry. You did nothing wrong. But he is very loud, And I am very tired. So I think fair's fair.
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POETRY
RIBS Last night at a party I leaned funny on my side Felt a pop, and pain I thought I had cracked a rib. Quickly, Carefully to the bathroom. Took my binder off slowly And slapped my side to assess the damage. I don't know what happened, but It had stopped hurting I didn't crack a rib, after all. I don't know that I would have cared, If I had.
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GENDER & SEXUALITY // ISSUE 4
TIRED Heavy outbreath. Shoulders sagging, head dragging spine Eyebrows meeting and creasing in the middle. Lips hardening, flattening, pulling inwards and together like a stretched rubber band Eyes meeting eyes as if to say, "Really? Again?" Shoulders pulling forward and towards one another Hiding the parts of myself I am tired of The parts that are wrong. Arms crossed in front of my chest because I thought I heard footsteps The thick grey hoodie when nothing feels right Jeans and ratty sneakers with the grey hoodie because At this point I'm too tired to care. Too tired for resentment; Too resentful for resignation. I am stuck.
Eyes meeting eyes Eyes that are hard Eyes framed by creasing brows Eyes that stare as if to say, "Really? Again? Really? Still?"
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POETRY
SHARP THINGS Noise. Hands dancing on the tabletop Fingernails tapping. Nails too long Should maybe cut them Should maybe stay away from sharp things for a while. The spongy, tough tissue in the corner of my lip (on the inside) Is scarred. My teeth aren't very sharp But they are insistent. Seeing empty space Where the space isn't empty Eyes are open but not really, and Static When my eyes are closed, And grey And nothing, but A lot of nothing.
Skin Aching to peel away from my bones Craving touch, not Soft touch Not gentle Stinging touch, touch that says You're right This hurts like hell
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GENDER & SEXUALITY // ISSUE 4
Begin to list them categorically The things that hurt The things that could hurt The stinging touch My skin is craving The hurting Some part of me knows I'm not allowed. Not allowed: The knife I bought from Coles to cut apples but have so far only used for cheese The two pairs of children's scissors that are, for some reason, both purple The kitchen shears I accidentally took from home last time I was there And the nail clippers, Two pairs, because I lost the first one, and found it again only when I'd gone out and bought another. A black bag that jingles when you shake it, Passed to a friend At 11pm. I know I scare him. So gritted teeth So clenched fists The hurting has been child-proofed. Nails into palms Nails too long Should maybe cut them Should maybe stay away from sharp things for a while.
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POETRY
HANDS I didn't know I was holding my breath Until your arms are around me A little longer than arms have been around me in a while. I breathe into your shoulder, Deeper than I thought my lungs had room for. The last dregs of air are stale and my breath is laid bare And I know you know that And I know your arms will stay around me until I'm ready, Anyway. Hands holding hands holding hands. My shoe-box room, My bed. My nice grey sheets. All of us tipsy And I talk quickly Quietly, because I'm ashamed. About the things people shouldn't want to do to themselves And you don't let go of my hand, Even though I'm surely making you nervous. You tear up I guess why I guess wrong I am out of guesses Your eyes are wet and shiny Your hand in mine Your smile is small and soft You say “I'm sad about you.” I wish I didn't Worry People. But you don't wish that. Either of you. I worry you, but we're Hand in hand in hand, anyway, Shiny eyed, anyway, The three of us, Anyway. [end of poem]
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GENDER & SEXUALITY // ISSUE 4
VALLEY OF A LILY WORDS / JESSICA CHAPMAN
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POETRY
Stretching herself out is the first step of her cycle, reaching towards the light. She is there, in all her beauty, she does but her natural thing. Her white flesh dances with the morning sun. A rouge tinge blushes up the inside of her thigh, Fine paintbrush strokes of sunset leak down to her crimson bellybutton. Unfolding with every passing hour, she finds herself comfortable in an extended pose. She almost shimmers. Yet no one is there to love her when the sun breaks, when the moon comes to visit. He is relentless, cold light searching her every crevice, She finds herself folding in, tucking up. Hiding away her colours of the day, Before she loses them forever.
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GENDER & SEXUALITY // ISSUE 4
POETRY
CHEERS!
A BIG THANKS TO ALL WHO CONTRIBUTED TO THIS ISSUE EDITORS: Emily Jenkins Alexander Hall
CONTRIBUTORS: UOW Music Society Allsorts Queer Collective Joey Eccleston
GRAPHIC DESIGN/COVER ART: Emma McNair
Lauren Smith Tahlia Reynolds Stephanie Yin
PRINTING: Snap IMAGES: (Pages 4,31): Unsplash
Siena Montgomery Jodie Mennell Lu Bradshaw Jessica Chapman
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