The Transmitter Issue 35 by Transmission Publications Ltd

A SOUTH EAST LONDON MAGAZINE www.thetransmitter.co.uk

ISSUE 35 | SPRING 2015

Qu’est-ce que c’est La Penge? we go down the hill to cherchez

BOOKS • RABBITS • BEAUTY • FOOD • GARDENING • MUSIC • NEWS

26 Welcome to

Transmitter

nn i e s u b y n a m w Ho in this issue? can you fienmadil the correct answitertewr.incos.uank to nsm F ir s t personrize! rabbits@thetra p r Eas te

Editor Andy Pontin Sub-Editor Annette Prosser Designer Simon Sharville Photographers James Balston, Brixton Blog, Louise Haywood-Schiefer, Corali Houlton, Brenda Little, Loukia Photography, Connie May, Nassima Rothacker, Michael Wagg Contributors Eddie Chaloner, Liz Clamp, Justine Crow, Mike Fairbrass, Louise Heywood, Jessica Johnson, Jonathan Main, Howard Male, Karen McLeod, Melanie Reeve, Kate Shipp, Rachel de Thample, Michelle Thomas, Michael Wagg, Sue Williams Printed by Cantate Communications Published by Transmission Publications, PO Box 53556, London SE19 2TL, thetransmitter.co.uk editor@thetransmitter.co.uk @thetransmitter Cover illustration Simon Sharville simonsharville.co.uk

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20 elcome dear friends to our spring issue, wherein we present some of the fine things that nestle amongst the cobbled streets of olde Penge. And lo, we find the green sprigs of poshness are here too, shooting up through the cracks in the pavement, just as they did in Crystal Palace in times gone by. And we saw that it was good. And we have all our usual lot who keep writing stuff. And thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a few jokes. But no crossword.

Disclaimer The views expressed by contributors are theirs alone and do not necessarily reflect this magazineâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s editorial policy or the views of any employee of Transmission Publications. So there.

News & Events Things that are occurring

A N I H C N I E

Photo: © Stuart Leech

MAD

OLD MASTER FAKE You wouldn’t be fooled by some contemporary fake artwork masquerading as an original masterpiece would you? Don’t be ridiculous, of course you wouldn’t! Time to put your money where you mouth is then and go see if you are quite the Sister Wendy you think you are. Teaming up with conceptual artist Doug Fishbone, the Dulwich Picture Gallery has (legally) commissioned a company in China to copy one of its permanent paintings. Amazingly, the process involves simply sending over a super hi-res photograph of the original which is then reproduced in an artist’s studio. Once completed and delivered it will be hung in the frame of the original. Globally replica paintings are big business and China has produced millions of them. You have about a month left to try to work out which of the gallery’s 270 permanent paintings is no longer what it seems, and winning answers will be entered into a prize draw to win their own print-on-demand reproduction. Brave art critics will be able to announce publicly what they think by tweeting @dulwichgallery with the hashtag #MadeinChina. On 28 April all will be revealed when the real Old Master and the replica will be displayed side by side. To get it right, visitors to the gallery will have to look a lot more closely than usual at every work: and that’s the whole point. Made in China: A Doug Fishbone Project Until 26 April dulwichpicturegallery.org.uk

VROOM VROOM Yes it’s that time of year again and for the benefit of all you lovely Transmitter readers who have only recently moved to our delightful South London environs, we’d like to post our annual reminder about a celebration of our wonderful park’s more glamourous, if noisy, heritage. If you’ve seen the film Rush you’ll know that even racing giants James Hunt and Niki Lauda have competed there. This year’s Festival of Motor Sport, organised by Sevenoaks & District Motor club and Motorsport at the Palace Ltd, will feature a competitive time trial alongside the usual car club displays, exhibitions stands and new car and truck shows. The park is transformed for the two-day event in May as the cultural history of Crystal Palace motor racing is temporarily revived. Love those old vintage racing cars? Book your ticket right now. Or if you’re one of those who likes a bit of Grand Prix action but spares an occasional thought for issues climatechange related, you’ll be able to take a peek at the latest low-emission models too. Sunday 24 & Bank Holiday Monday 25 May Day tickets available in advance (£8) or cash only at the gates (£10) Under 16s free but must be accompanied See website for all ticket information motorsportatthepalace.co.uk

NOT VROOM VROOM SPEED limits across Crystal Palace are likely to be cut to 20mph after Croydon Council gave the go-ahead to plans for a widespread speed calming project. Councillor Kathy Bee, cabinet member for transport, said: ‘We plan to assess demand one area at a time over the next three years, starting with residents in the north who already tell us speeding is a problem there.’ Unfortunately for the non-Clarksons, the proposals will not restrict speeds to 20mph along the main ‘racing circuit’ of Westow Street, Westow Hill and Church Road: the latter, in particular, is where such a limit is most needed.

THEY SAID NO NO NO The Picture Palace Campaign were delighted earlier this month when Bromley Council voted unanimously to refuse the latest planning application by the KICC for a ‘change of use’ at 25 Church Road. Campaign organisers told us: ‘The refusal was an important step in preserving 25 Church Road’s exclusive D2 ‘Assembly and leisure’ use, recognising its Asset of Community Value status and sending a clear message to KICC. We would like to take this opportunity to say a huge THANK YOU for everyone’s continued support’. Many people attended the meeting on the night, where Crystal Palace ward councillors spoke eloquently and passionately, and traders and political representatives continued to show their support for this brilliantly-run campaign. Let’s hear it for Bromley Council’s planning officers and committee members too, who have clearly rejected yet another inappropriate and unwelcome planning application. Meanwhile the fight goes on. Let’s hope the KICC will soon start to see sense and honour its 2010 commitment not to fight the very community it wants to serve, by selling 25 Church Road to a buyer willing to return the building to its original public entertainment use: a cinema. If you are not already following the sterling work of the campaign, you can keep up to date at their website. picturepalacecampaign.org.uk

WATCH THAT WATCH A unique and impressive 18 carat gold and diamond gentleman’s skeleton wristwatch by Swiss luxury watchmaker Corum is estimated to sell for £100,000150,000* as part of Roseberys Fine Art auction on Tuesday 24 March. Wowsers. Commissioned and designed exclusively as a one-off for Middle Eastern nobility in 1982, this pricey timepiece has diamonds literally all over the place from the bezel (that’s the bit that goes all the way round the watchface) to the bracelet strap. We know many of you will have your eye on this (go on, get it in the bag early for Father’s Day) so check out the bidding process soon if you want to be in with a chance of snappin’ it up. *other fabulous watches, priced with fewer zeros, are also available roseberys.co.uk

SCHOOL’S OUT (TIL 2016) The Crystal Palace Primary School has announced that the Department for Education (DfE) has been unable to secure permanent premises in time for a September 2015 opening, and as a result the school has no alternative but to defer until 2016. As the preferred site of the new school, Crystal Palace Park, is likely to face strong opposition, alternative locations were being sought. But due to changes in DfE and Education Funding Authority policy free schools are no longer permitted to open in temporary locations unless a permanent location has been sourced. crystalpalaceprimary.org.uk

News & Events CP FESTIVAL: EVERY LITTLE HELPS

Fat Jesters at Antenna Studios Every Friday at 8pm @CPalacecomedy bromleycomedy.com Comedy Roar! at The Sparrowhawk Friday 10 April at 8pm @HuntingtonHutt

crystalpalacefestival.org

Photo: ©Angie Davila

I SAY I SAY I SAY Not content with life being just a bundle of laughs already (Boris building a new Crystal Palace? Oh how we laughed) the Triangle can now boast two brand new comedy evenings. Oh yes indeedy. Supported by two local independent businesses, you won’t have to go far to inject a bit of right proper comedy into your life in the coming months. Antenna Studios are now hosting Fat Jesters, a weekly comedy night every Friday. Big names including Adam Kay have already appeared, and you can check out the Bromley Comedy website for details on who to expect next and how to buy tickets. Huntington & Hutt are behind Comedy Roar! which takes place every 2nd Friday of the month upstairs at The Sparrowhawk. Compered by the duo – real life people James Huntington and Joanna Hutt (aficionados may remember them from popular sketch group The Dog-Eared Collective) – the Roar! presents a mixture of stand up, sketch and character comedy performed by established acts on the circuit. Their first outing in February had one member of Team Transmitter actually rolling in the aisles (thanks to Michael Brunstrom’s Mary Quant) and we predict much fun is going to be had by all as news spreads. Between now and August there are likely to be plenty who are polishing their acts before they hit Edinburgh: not nearly so far for you to travel AND you’ll be able to tell everyone you saw them first at an intimate gig just round the corner from your house. Seating for around 35 is available (and standing room too), there’s no need to book and it’s free.

Crystal Palace Overground Festival (24-28 June 2015), a celebration of music, arts and culture, is turning to local residents for support to ensure this year’s festival remains largely free of charge. The festival has previously received funding from a number of sources including the Arts Council, but with grant-giving bodies seeing their budgets slashed, events like the Crystal Palace Overground Festival are facing shortfalls in funding. ‘The festival team are working hard to raise funding from sponsorship, advertising, stall fees, bar income, ticket income, listings fee and merchandise and these activities will raise around £30,000,’ says festival organiser Noreen Meehan, ‘but we need to raise a further £19,000 and are asking local people to make a donation’. The figures are pretty simple; if 121 people give £20 the cost of the main stage at Westow Park is covered, or 117 people giving £15 will ensure outside toilets. Donations have started coming in already : if you’d like to donate any amount, small or large, you can do so via the festival’s website.

AND THE NOMINATIONS ARE … Alert listeners to BBC Radio 4’s The Food Programme will have heard exciting news a couple of weeks ago, as it was announced that Crystal Palace Food Market has reached the final three in the Best Food Market category in this year’s BBC Food and Farming Awards. ‘A big thankyou to everyone who nominated us,’ says market organiser Karen Jones, ‘we feel delighted and amazed.’ Colleague Laura Marchant-Short adds: ‘It’s a massive honour. The awards are the Oscars of food in this country.’ The mission statement of the awards, first introduced in 2000 to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the flagship programme, is ‘to honour those who have done most to promote the cause of good food’. To help make the final decision on who wins the category, two of the judges Peter Gott – a farmer – and Richard Corrigan – a chef – visited Crystal Palace on Sunday 14 March. They spent three hours at the market, asking all stallholders and organisers lots of questions, shopping (buying meat from Jacobs Ladder Farms and cakes from Brett & Bailey – I mean, who wouldn’t) and even tweeting about things that caught their eye. Richard Corrigan spent some time shucking oysters at Veaseys fishmonger stall and Peter Gott even asked if he could have a guest spot at the market with his wild boar. Other pairs from the judging panel have paid similar visits to the other two finalists, Doncaster Market and Levenshulme Market, and now it’s just a nail-biting wait until 30 April when the result will be announced at a ceremony in Bristol. In the meantime keep your ears open for a special Food Programme report on the Haynes Lane venture. The market was set up by Crystal Palace Transition Town volunteers in 2013, after a year’s planning, to support sustainable farms and local food producers. It now supports over 10 small farms, mainly in East Sussex and Kent, and has helped lots of budding local food businesses. ‘It is really humbling when farmers thank us for helping them to survive’, says Karen, ‘and support for markets is really helping to build a real alternative to the supermarkets.’ Crystal Palace Food Market Haynes Lane, off Westow Street Every Saturday 10am-3pm crystalpalacefoodmarket.co.uk crystalpalacetransition.org.uk

Chef Richard Corrigan stocks up at the Jacobs Ladder stall

CARRY ON UP THE JUMBLE Fancy a spring clean, SE19ers? Sunday 19 April will see a grand jumble trail that you can take part in. Start your declutter now, register for a stall (£5 fee) and on the day set up in your garden or on the pavement if there’s space. To buy rather than sell, check out the map of stalls at the link below and you’ll be able to plan your route for the day. jumbletrail.com/event/SE193SU2015

Trading Places Shops n stuff like shops 400 RABBITS Doing a bit of research before talking to the people behind Westow Street’s soon-to-be restaurant – replacing Jay Michaels salon – was rather like falling down a rabbit hole and into a wonderland of weird and wonderful names. Those of you properly educated will know already that the phrase 400 rabbits derives from Aztec mythology. All the rest of us need to understand is that said bunnies – the Centzon Totochtin – are the gods of drunkenness who get together for a right old knees up whenever they can. As restaurant names go, we like it. It’s the latest adventure of Dan Edwards, creator of the cool cafe at the Brockwell Lido, and will share the same ethos despite being a very different animal. Specialising in wood-fired sourdough pizza, growler beers (more on that in a bit), Allpress direct trade coffee and Gelupo ice-cream, 400 Rabbits is set to be a family-orientated resto where you can either eat in or take away and stock up on coffee beans on your way out too. A growler, for the uninitiated, is a jug containing draught beer which has a shelf-life of up to six weeks enabling you to take it home to sup at a later date (after that the growler can be refilled as many times as you like). As with all good eateries in these foodie times, menus will be based around British seasonal ingredients, beers will be sourced from small local independents and the coffee is brewed using one of those fancy shmancy machines. All being well, we’ll be hopping along there sometime this summer 400 Rabbits 30 Westow Street SE19 3AH 400rabbits.co.uk @4hundredrabbits

Trading Places OPEN YOUR MIND Would you like to give something back to the local community by volunteering? Does gaining retail experience sound appealing? Mind are looking for people with creative flair to help boost sales at their Westow Street charity shop. Volunteers would be involved in all aspects of the shop’s operation from sorting donations, steaming clothes and assisting customers to visual merchandising. As well as learning loads, you may be eligible for travel and lunch expenses too (plus discount on shop items!) and, after six months, will receive a reference you can use alongside future job applications. Retail experience is not a requirement: enthusiasm and commitment are what counts. If you’d like to be part

of an active charity at the forefront of helping to relieve social isolation, enabling people to acquire skills for independent life and promoting positive mental health, now’s the time to get in touch. Contact colin@mindincroydon.org.uk or on 020 8771 5950

Mind Shop Monday to Saturday 10am-5pm, Sunday 10am-4pm 18 Westow Street London SE19 3AH

THE ALEXANDRA Lovers of the Beer Rebellion on Gipsy Hill, especially those with postcodes SE20 or SE26, will be thrilled to hear that Late Knights Brewery are spreading their wings. By mid-summer (fingers crossed) Penge and Sydenham residents will be able to stroll down to a Late Knights local as two new premises are being taken over by the brewers. A new flagship pub is promised right opposite Alex Nurseries – and within spitting distance of the brewery itself – when the Rebellion boys take over the long-boarded up Alexandra pub. It won’t be a carbon copy of the Gipsy Hill establishment, but all suppliers will be local indie companies and the majority of the beers available will, of course, be Late Knights favourites. As well as offering bar burgers, The Alexandra will host a 30-seater bistro and a Michelin-trained chef has been promised. Many South London public houses were once home to boxing training rooms upstairs and this one is no exception. Alan Minter was a regular, and it is said that Henry Cooper threw a few practice punches there before his legendary fight with Muhammed Ali. lateknightsbrewery.co.uk

COSTA COFFEE And so it comes to pass. As inevitable and unstoppable as the winds that tear across our SE19 abodes, the latest addition to our high street collection of American coffeeshops and flashy estate agents. You may love them, or quite likely, hate them, but they will arrive, one by one, regardless of your qualms. Central London for the super rich, Crystal Palace for the comfortably endowed and coffee shops for everyone. Thus it was written. All hail, Costa Packet cometh. 10

KAJAKI War films often get it wrong: not this one says Penge-based sawbones Eddie Chaloner

t’s not every day one is asked to get involved in making a major war film – let alone one that ends up good enough for a BAFTA nomination – so when I received an email about the Kajaki movie project, I was intrigued. As a former airborne soldier I’d heard of the Kajaki Dam incident of course, but a story based on a group of Parachute Regiment soldiers trapped in an Afghan minefield didn’t really seem like a good subject for a film. However, there were many aspects of the project which resonated with me. While a junior surgeon I had done two tours in Afghanistan with the HALO Trust landmine clearing charity in 1992 and 2000 and further stints in Mozambique, Angola, Sri Lanka and Northern Iraq. Unusually for a doctor I had been present on two separate occasions when people were blown up right in front of me in minefields. I had also served as the surgical support to the Airborne Brigade and with 144 Parachute Sqadron (RAMC), experienced the rigours of ‘P’ Company selection, the unique bond and cameraderie of the Airborne Brotherhood and been deployed to Rwanda, Bosnia and Kosovo. In common with many people with military experience, I often find war movies quite irritating – ridiculous plot

lines, implausible dialogue or lack of attention to detail of weapons and insignia by the Hollywood style merchants reveal a lack of understanding of the subject and inappropriately trivialise or glamourise conflict, which to soldiers and their families is a deeply serious business. With these reservations I arranged to meet film director Paul Katis in a London café in early January 2014. Right from the start I was impressed by his intense commitment to telling the story as it was – he had been trying for nearly two years to raise the money to make the film and was determined to succeed. My value to the project ranged from advice about what a live minestrike looks, sounds and smells like close up, to analysis of the injuries caused and the type of weapons that produced them. For example, explosions are often portrayed on screen as involving large amounts of flame and bodies being thrown in the air – that’s rarely the case for a minestrike in Afghanistan, where the fireball is suppressed by large amounts of dust and debris and an 80kg soldier usually just falls over after standing on a buried landmine. Paul was also interested in how injuries look and how to present them to a non-medical audience in a realistic way,

Eddie (5 Airborne Brigade) with colleagues in Rwanda, 1994

What the Papers Say ‘The film makes you flinch, recoil, hide behind your hands, and even care: a very sturdy set of achievements, and less pretentious about What We Were Even Doing There And Why than almost any Hollywood equivalent you could name.’ The Daily Telegraph ‘This film possesses a lacerating power that reinforces its self-contained claustrophobia’ The Guardian ‘... this provocative and harrowing little film should be seen by everyone’ Daily Mirror

Eddie attends the premiere of Kajaki with his wife Anne. Eagle-eyed readers may recognise Eddie as a member of the Lewisham NHS choir.

BAFTA-nominated Kajaki (15) is showing in independent cinemas and will be released on DVD in June. It can be pre-ordered via amazon.

but without making the viewers throw up – not an easy line to tread! Having done a lot of basic research on mine injuries and protection in the past as well as treating many patients wounded by mines, I have an extensive collection of photos which were useful in this respect. Crucial to the film was an accurate portrayal of the timeline and development of injury from the point of wounding to the evacuation. How long, for example, is a 15mg shot of morphine effective? What are the physiological effects of prolonged bleeding on consciousness and human actions? Advice was needed on how people react and perform in moments of extreme stress. Somewhat to my surprise the team brought the film in on time and on budget, but apart from seeing the trailer and reading a couple of reviews from journalists who had seen the press screening I had no clear idea of what the movie actually looked like until the evening of the premiere. I was absolutely stunned. The most striking impression is the fantastic attention to detail – right down to the tattoos and the way the actors speak to each other – exactly like real soldiers. As I told my friends later, if there was a swearing filter put on the soundtrack it would be a silent film! Although I knew every detail of the story and had read

all the reports and after-action statements, once the first minestrike happened I was totally gripped. The make-up people completely excelled themselves in portraying the wounds which are totally realistic and convincing, even to a surgeon. The stark reality of this movie will not appeal to everyone. Many prefer their war movies to be sanitised and neatly packaged, where the violence is pastiche and the suffering reassuringly brief. Watching wounded blokes waiting hours in agony in a minefield with limited pain relief is not necessarily what the Great British Public want to see. But see it we should, because that’s what really happened and this film is nothing if not real and unflinchingly honest. I urge everyone to see this movie. In the final analysis it is a tale of ordinary men doing extraordinary things in circumstances beyond the imagination of most people in the UK. Concepts such as 'duty', 'loyalty' and 'sacrifice' are mere words to many. Soldiers live – and sometimes die – for those ideals. Kajaki is an important and remarkable portrayal of the realities of modern war from the soldier’s perspective. I am very proud to have played a tiny part in making it happen.

Puddles

Photo by Amanda Sciberras Amanda, who heads up the Penge Tourist Board is holding her first photography exhibition at Domali Cafe from May and will be part of the Overground Festival Art Trail. facebook.com/crystalpalacepuddlepics pengetouristboard.co.uk

COOLER THAN THE PALACE?

Penge is perceived as the scruffy younger sibling of Crystal Palace. Grittier, earthier and less polished, it unfairly suffers from having a truly unattractive name (comedienne Jessica Fostekew described it as sounding like 'the genital region of a eunuch'). Overlooked and overshadowed by its neighbours, you'd be forgiven for not exploring further than the (admittedly uninspiring) high street. Yes, Penge has been neglected, the same way East Dulwich was neglected twenty years ago. But that could soon be about to change. With the re-establishment of a once-lost garden centre, the appearance of independent cafes, posh pubs, trendy boutiques and some good old community initiatives in place and afoot, SE20 is getting a thoroughly new lease of life.

r e d a e r r a De Being a born and bred Ponge-sur-mer Sarrff-East Londoner I am honoured to be writing for this special Penge issue of The Transmitter. Especially poignant for me is that the arty world of Crystal Palace has seemingly crept down the hill to celebrate all things Penge. I say seemingly because it has long been the impression that artistic-ness never really sprouted here. It’s said David Bowie left as soon as he could due to a lack of glittery shoes on the high street. Well now. Let’s start at my very beginning.

Penge 1972

I grew up in a 1920s terraced house this side of the Penge/Beckenham border. The wallpaper was brown, the sofa brown and the dog a golden brown. My mum was a dinner lady at Royston School so local shopping used to take hours as she stopped to chat with everyone she knew. At four years old, as a protest for being out so long in my pushchair, I stole some chewing gum from the Co-op. I was caught shoving it in my mouth and Mum made me return it, stand up and apologise to the cashier. This is probably why I can recall the Co-op so vividly – a department store with an electronic foot-measuring machine on the ground floor with beds and carpets upstairs. In the vast checkout area women licked Green Shield stamps, counting them into their booklets the same way my dad watched over the Luncheon Vouchers. All the old shops from the High Street are gone and I cried the day that Kennedy’s Sausages and Woolworths finally shut down. The High Street still holds Penge together but it’s impossible to imagine a local department store, mostly because people look down on the place.

Penge 1983

In my first year at Cator Park Comprehensive School for Girls I first realised the power of Penge as a concept and not just somewhere to live. Us girls who came from the SE20 postcode rather than BR1 (Bromley) were made to feel like skanky paupers rubbing alongside the wealthy, pony-stroking, country cousins. Compared to the more serene Beckenham and Bromley, where women in Barbour jackets carried wicker baskets to Sainsbury’s, Penge signified a kind of dirty badge, where races mixed, foreigners were among us and we, the locally-spawned children, were part of the contamination. As though the bog brush of London had left tide marks on our knee-high socks. More than this, it was living proof that England and being English, or indeed human, was a muddy, confused idea.

Penge 2015

Though I felt conflicted about it at first, the Goldsmiths Arms pub is a fine example of up-to-date Penge – the old locals being ousted and a new arty set showing itself. Penge is the place I’ve left only to return to, over and over, like a homing pigeon. It’s a tough place, mixed and full of character, I know the families growing up here, three, four, five generations of them. Will all the past be lost, all that was Penge to me, in my mind? The teenage me wanted to keep the secret of Penge to myself, the frustrated lone artist wanting to remain in Penge under-dog seclusion, but with the current changes I am forced to reconsider what I want Penge to be. Those who like the new-old style of the Goldsmiths remain drinking in there, and new-old Penge girls like me can sit and read without being hassled. It’s almost like feminism happened.

Penge right now

A quiet Tuesday evening writing and ear-wigging in the Goldsmiths, this sums up Penge for me: from one table a posh-spoken woman squeaked about how she would rather sell her house than have her child go to a state school; on another table a woman kissed a man and his Labrador hello. ‘Good to see ya again Pete,’ she said. ‘Last time I saw ya you were sick in my neighbour’s handbag at the barbecue. You remember?’ He shook his head and touched the side of his pint glass. Later, in the ladies’ lavs local accents rang from the cubicles. ‘I don’t like these doors Jean.’ ‘Why not Pauline?’ ‘They ain’t got no ‘andles on em.’ ‘Don’t worry Paul, I’ll get ya out if ya get stuck!’ These voices will ring out long into the Penge night and this pleases me. Because regeneration or not, it will all continue.

K are n M cLe o d

Karen McLeod is author of In Search of the Missing Eyelash (published by Jonathan Cape, short stories published by Limehouse Books) both available at The Bookseller Crow where Karen is writer-in-residence. Her performance character is Barbara Brownskirt, rubbish but prolific poet of the South London people. Barbara’s ‘office’ is at the 197 bus stop, Croydon Road, Penge @kazzymcleod

Written by Michelle Thomas @onepoundstories

Photos by Louise Haywood-Schiefer lhschiefer.com

BlueBelle

Cafe

urled up like a kitten near the corner of Maple Street, BlueBelle Cafe is a bright, quietly lovely retreat from the grit and noise of Penge High Street. You can enjoy homemade cakes, paninis, salads and stews under the Parisian canopy, or in the beautifully-lit interior, under the Tiffany lamps and Monet-inspired oil paintings, all for a very reasonable price. Owner Erica Steenkame has lived in Penge for over 25 years, and remembers a thriving market, bustling from the High Street all the way down to Franklin Road. ‘I’d wake up to the sounds of the stall owners setting up from around 2.30am,’ she remembers fondly over a flat white. ‘I miss that sound. There has always been a strong artistic undercurrent in Penge, too – it’s always been relatively inexpensive, which attracted a diverse range of artists.’ Luckily for local artists, they have a supportive benefactor in Erica – she showcases paintings by a different artist every few months (with no commission fee). She also hosts a monthly music night with a house band, with tempting themes such as Wine, Women and Song. Tickets are £20 or £30 (depending on whether you choose to sit inside or out) and include a three-course meal (BYOB). With only thirty spaces available, this is a truly intimate and unique night out.

‘Penge is one of the last outposts in London for true cultural and economic diversity. It has a lot to offer, there’s a lot going on.’ Erica’s affection for her adoptive home is obvious and her plans for 2015 include a culinary tribute to it. Penge pies and pasties will be made with ingredients that reference the history of the area, including pork (a reference to the pig farms which dominated the small Kentish farming town it once was), ale from the Late Knights brewery (soon to be setting up shop opposite the Alexandra Nurseries), and a host of other secret delights to be revealed nearer the time. In the meantime, pop by for a coffee after dropping the kids off at school and find out about their upcoming music events, art exhibitions and daily specials.

BlueBelle Cafe 182 Maple Road London SE20 8JB 020 8659 6505 @bluebelle2014 19

Written by Michelle Thomas @onepoundstories

Photos by Louise Haywood-Schiefer lhschiefer.com

Alexandra urseries N lexandra Nurseries is what you get when the vintage-inspired décor of a bijou coffee shop meets the homely, tactile familiarity of your Grandad’s shed. Under a fairy-lit canopy, patio furniture is strewn with cozy knitted blankets to keep the late-afternoon chill at bay, alongside the sweet-smelling wood-burning oven. Watering cans, plant pots and bird cages – ‘some are for sale, some are from our personal collection’ – hang artfully from a glorious 40-year old grapevine, planted by previous owner, architect Frank Greaves (more on him later) and trained by manager John Parker (above) to grow over the charming arbour. Inside there’s a cafe (coffee is from Dark Fluid in Forest Hill, cakes are from Forest Hill Cake Co), a small studio space (a member of staff got married there last year), and a shop selling a diverse range of locally-sourced, locally-made produce, from preserves (muddleberry jam, anyone?) to catnip – all organic, of course. John, however, is adamant: this is a garden centre with a cafe and shop, not the other way around. When I confessed to John that I’d lived in Anerley for two years and had never heard of the nursery, he grinned: ‘That’s good. We’re not at capacity yet, then.’ John founded the nursery in 2011 with his ex-partner, Sarah. ‘I was on a gardening job, and I was headed for Homebase, when I passed this amazing-looking, derelict space. It was covered in brambles and vine, the house

was uninhabitable, but I was captivated. The estate agent wouldn’t even give me a price, and seemed really reluctant to even talk to me about it, until I told him I’d like to turn it into a garden centre. It turned out that he knew the owner, Frank, personally. He’d been an architect, and had rejected offers from people wanting to turn it into a ballet school, a photography studio and a microbrewery. He’s in his eighties now, and runs a little garden centre on his front lawn. He’d always loved the place, but it was neglected, and he wanted to pass it on to someone who’d do something good with it for the community … there are locals who’ve lived here for 20 years and never seen it open.’ The locals have indeed been enthusiastically supportive, as are the small but dedicated team of staff: seven out of the nine live in Penge. With 90% of their plants British grown, March/April will see John and co hit the ground running in preparation for their summer gardening season as well as the organisation of music nights, kid’s singing classes, book readings and more. Alexandra Nurseries Estate House 56B Parish Lane London SE20 7LJ 020 8778 4145 alexandranurseries.co.uk @alexnurseries 22

The Penge Green Gym t’s hard to admire the bottom end of Anerley Road while Bromley Council continues to do its level best to, well, allow the incremental levelling of its Victorian heritage, thereby finishing what the V1 flying bombs began. Along with dispensing of numerous impressive buildings along its descent, it allowed the demolition of a rather handsome tower-gabled, pastelpainted public house at the foot of the hill known as the Robin Hood and eventually granted permission to replace it with a brash supermarket and an insufficient car park that consistently causes major traffic problems, not to mention punch-ups ... But, tucked off the street to the left of the junction that locals still know by the outlaw namesake, away from the car horns and stress and trolleys, is a sublime little island of sanity called Winsford Gardens. Seemingly not much bigger than the turning circle of a supermarket delivery lorry, its modest gateway is easily missed in pursuit of a bus or a bargain. Once the grand back garden of a large private home, it was designated a park but then subsequently neglected with the usual municipal alacrity, becoming a cut through and fly-tipper’s den. Fortunately in 2011, recognising its potential, environmental charity The Conservation Volunteers recruited a bunch of willing workers to reclaim the old paths and lawns and relaunch it as a green gym. The first thing you’ll notice, though, when you duck in through a slender entrance that opens out into a heartstopping gush of verdancy, is a distinct lack of exercise

Justine Crow

discovers a different kind of exercise, just a stone’s throw away from the Croydon traffic

equipment. It is there Jim, but not as we know it. You see, a green gym isn’t an open space with fluorescent rowing machines and lateral pull-down contraptions on a rubber floor; it doesn’t require bench-pressing but it does demand zeal. The morning I visit, I was practically blown around the corner of the Aldi by an urgent, cold rainstorm and when I arrived, soaked through, I was surprised by a small crowd suitably attired and waiting calmly under a tree for the foul conditions to pass before beginning their fitness regime. In 2013 an independent community group took over the management of the gardens and each Wednesday volunteers from all sorts of backgrounds meet to help develop the health of this urban sanctuary whilst improving their own physical well-being. It is by turns a struggle and a joy explains Brenda Little who has been allowed to put down her spade and show me around while the rest tolerate the residual damp gusts and get on with digging and clearing. While, charmingly, the ghost of the original garden remains in the neat box hedging and formal old roses, pear trees and ornamental rockery, new initiatives include a natural seating area styled from trees felled in the borough, a composting system, wildflower meadow, insect chalets and stag beetle loggeries. There are new flower beds and borders, a bog garden and a fenced off greenhouse where plants are raised, pots stacked and water collected. Inevitably the struggle has sometimes threatened to

Photos by Brenda Little & Connie May overwhelm the joy. When I first explored the gardens a year or so ago, there was a wonderful willow dome to walk inside but this suffered persistent vandalism. Theft of plants is also a problem, made all the more miserable by the knowledge that, unlike the mindless destruction of the dome, those helping themselves to the shrubs out of the ground that volunteers spend their own free time preparing and tending, are gardeners themselves. How else would they know what to pinch? Meanwhile, the hardwon greenhouse itself is under threat thanks to a planning dispute that is beyond the organisation’s control. But they fix the fences without dwelling on the negatives. Some hundreds of mixed native hawthorn and dogrose ‘whips’ – saplings for the hedgerow – have been recently put in around the perimeter. With thousands of bulbs thrusting spring up through the grass, blossom and berries busting out too, all sorts of growing projects are in the pipeline (not to mention a waterless loo), and with the emphasis on bio-diversity and sustainability, the rewarding earthy toil is ongoing. As well as taking part in the Open Garden Squares event organised by the London Parks & Gardens Trust in association with the National Trust, with plants for sale and craft-making, local schools are invited to get gardening. Barbecues are arranged for those who give up their spare time, as the group endeavour to encourage and nurture community involvement as well as the support of local businesses. Brenda pointed out that if they could get

more of those who live in the nearby streets to roll-up their sleeves and enjoy the benefits of the fresh air and the sense of achievement, the knock-on effect may be a reduction in incidences of theft and wilful damage. A colourful, bursting with butterflies, un-vicious circle if you like. So the next time you are passing, whilst idling in the cough of exhausts consider Brenda and the other nominal project leaders like Electra and Dave who, beyond the railings on Croydon Road, garner both expertise and brawn from the tirelessly cheerful volunteers to maintain one of South London’s smaller vital organs. You might just find it a relief to park up, pop in, sit down and take a quiet breather among the blooms. Better still, you could even find it within yourself to offer an hour or three at some point soon to help make a pocket of SE20 healthier and prettier. Surely something we all aspire to be. Every Wednesday 11am-2pm Winsford Gardens, Croydon Road or Garden Road, SE20 7RN No need to book in: just show up. pengegreengym.org.uk @GreenGymPenge Open Garden Squares Weekend 13/14 June 2015 Winsford Gardens Sunday 11am-4pm opensquares.org 25

ANTIC’S SOUTH LONDON ANTICS Photos by Corali Houlton & Loukia Photography

hances are, if a recently refurbished London pub has an unusual name, it’s probably an Antic pub. The Antic schtick is to forage for an unused or unloved building with an interesting history, not necessarily one fuelled by alcohol, and give it a new lease of life. Original features are restored, details are given proper attention, hues are balanced. You’ll find some great ones a few stops up on the Overground, including the delightfully-titled Farr’s School of Dancing in Dalston, and South London is not short of them either: Catford Constitutional Club, The Job Centre in Deptford, Eltham GPO and Balham Bowls Club to name but a few. There’s no new quirky name for Penge’s Croydon Road pub The Goldsmiths Arms, but everything else about it is pure Antic. Its décor is mid-century modern with hints of the Victorian, with 1960s kitchen chairs sitting alongside sconces and wooden boxes displaying keys or disassembled clocks, and formica-topped school tables beneath gilt-edged plates on the walls. There’s also the odd stuffed fox lurking. There are long tables big enough for six to eat comfortably, mustard velvet corner banquettes groups of friends can cosy up on with their pints and a smattering of high and low stools for those who enjoy the traditional bar experience. As befits a 21st-century pub chain attuned to the zeitgeist, many of the beers at the Goldsmiths are from local breweries, the wines are a mix of Old and New World, the bar snacks are homemade and ingredients are locally-sourced as much as possible. For a robust assessment of what culinary delights and beverages await, see our restaurant review on pages 30.

Antic also pride themselves on being providers of cool locations for small or private parties. Places where you can eat with friends or just party party with drinks and music (via your own iPod if you like). At the Goldsmiths their separate Blue Room is accessed through doubledoors and can be hired at no charge. With its fireplace and polished wooden floors, it’s a pretty neat venue for a social get-together. Menus can be tailored to suit and there’s room for 40 standing or 30 seated. All rather lovely, and yes it’s in Penge, people! This summer West Norwood will also be home to such a treat as the company are in the process of turning what once was the site of This That & the Other discount store into a great new pub for SE27. If you’d like to follow the transformation, check in at www.knowlesofnorwood.com once in a while where you’ll be able to witness the magic of Antic. The Goldsmiths Arms 3 Croydon Road, Penge SE20 7TJ Open from 4pm weekdays and from noon at weekends goldsmithsarms.com @goldsmithspenge

THE GOLDSMITHS ARMS Justine Crow finds her local pub

has gone all posh

Photos by Corali Houlton ienvenue à Penge, with a soft ‘g’ like blancmange. And so, a new verb is born: ‘penger’ – to come down the hill. Tu penges? Ils pengent, finalement. We joke but in the present shaky era of charity shop & popup emporia, don’t knock a mixed high street that verges on the normal. After all, not only does Penge have a reputable old-fashioned butcher and a superb Turkish supermarket selling fifty-two types of olive oil (or thereabouts), it also holds the Guinness Book of Records title for the world’s tiny weeniest branch of Boots. Plus, it has – oh, the palpitations – a Wilkos. Eat that, East Dulwich. But what it ain’t famous for – and how can I put this without sounding like the cheese-scoffing surrender monkey-fondling Guardian reader that I am? – is a choice of pubs for those of us who prefer a stool to sit on, as opposed to one that might get wrapped around one’s head. Sadly, the stock of drinking holes in the area has dried up over the years. Sure, if you prefer an old school rubbadub then the Pawleyne is your man but the only alternative is the noble Bridge, a bit of detour to be a regular haunt for those of us whose cars are parked on kerbs closer to Elmers End than to the dinosaurs. Meanwhile, credit to Wetherspoons at The Moon & Stars who have long ensured that you’ve always got enough change from a pint to buy another, should you really, really desire to. But I’ve not heard such a colossal sigh of middle-class collective relief as when Antic came to town. The weird thing is that although this big iconic boozer has had its innards ripped out, it felt very familiar when we

walked in. Candles flickered on sleeper-topped high tables (we sensitive types do like a candle) in the ‘manly’ public bar front area, while the spacious rear saloon resembles a living room that your nan might be proud of, albeit a fashionably distressed one in tactfully muted questionable taste. There’s even a sideboard with boardgames. Also, a vintage-inspired extra side room provides plenty more table capacity as well as being available for private parties (an anniversaire buffet on the night of our visit as it happens). Meanwhile, back at the bar, with stalwarts Adnams and St Austell on tap alongside London-sourced Sambrook’s and Portobello, the beers on offer reflect the ideal balance of nouvelle pub, old pub, as does the menu. Ah. My favourite bit of the review. I like a pint but I love a dinner. So with my inevitable date for the evening, the bookseller, opposite on a comfy banquette beneath a brica-brac light fitting, I snapped open the reading specs, took a deep breath and went in (absently chomping the very more-ish waxy artichoke crisps brought to us by Adam, our nice bloke in charge). The first thing we noticed was the prices. Très Penge. In other words, not at all poncey. Variously between the four and six quid mark, for starters there was roasted squash & kale with a lentil dressing & hazelnuts; ham hock terrine & chutney; the b/s went for grilled black pudding with potato cake & braised onions; I had the hot-smoked salmon, heritage beets & horseradish. But neither dish was très Penge in the slightest. In other words, they were cannily cooked and attractively delivered. And both cleanly

despatched, I might add – the delicately savoury fish on the altar of God’s own vegetable, beetroot, being my idea of heaven and the naughty black pudding was the right combo of crumbly yet juicy, the spud less cake than pancake. Despite the crowd in the hired space and the tables filling up all around us, we didn’t have long to peruse the pictures and knick-knacks before our mains showed up on – and look away now ye publicans of ye olde Palace – real plates! For there was nary a roof slate nor bread board to be had. And atop this veritable china, mostly for a tenner or less, having forsaken tonight’s choice of wild boar sausage on chive mash with red wine gravy, Hereford sirloin, Applewood cheddar burger or a non-meat one with aubergine & hummus, pearl barley risotto with turnips and a giant (for 2) chicken, ham and leek pie (never write a review hungry by the way, it’s a killer), we settled for pan fried hake for him and slow cooked pig cheeks pour moi. His arrived with lentil & spring veg ragu which was a competent match for the house Cabernet and my bowlful of tender pork with a swirl of crème fråiche, carrots, a touch of cumin came with the softest, lightest, darlingest potato dumplings ever to be consumed in any Penge pub for at least three hundred years, I guarantee. It was like sucking on clouds. Couldn’t serve those on a plank, eh. We decided hake is a curious fish, like a cross between cod and a plaice – thus: ‘A rock and hard place,’ murmured my wag of a date as he set about the terrible task ahead. We shared a side of buttery courgettes, kale & broccoli just in case the ghosts of our grandmas were

indeed trapped in the furniture as we suspected and then replete with greens and gravy, we slumped back and promised that under no circumstances could we find any corner for dessert. ‘Well THAT was DELICIOUS,’ squeaked the bookseller as he forked in the final piece of apple pie and custard. It looks like Antic have pulled it off again. Granted, there are one or two locals less than impressed with the change in scene: we watched two lads sidle in, take a gander and say to each other, appalled: ‘See what you mean ...’ before slipping out. But for some of us twenty-first century beardy types (‘Speak for yourself,’ said the bookseller) the prospect of being able to have a decent affordable pub dinner down the road is nothing short of dangerous. The right kind of dangerous. Besides, any boozer that has Liz Taylor plastered all over the ladies loo has to be worth a visit. Pengez-vous?

The Goldsmiths Arms 3 Croydon Road Penge SE20 7TJ 0208 659 1242 goldsmithsarms.com @GoldsmithsPenge 31

St John

Kate Shipp takes time out at one

of SE19’s many and varied churches

the Evangelist amed for its acoustics, I first visited St John the Evangelist on Auckland Road to hear Metamono play as part of the Crystal Palace Festival in 2014. Rumour has it that one guest, after entering the vestry, danced wildly in the vicar’s cassock, and the gig became the first and last rave to grace its beautiful architecture ... But today I am visiting for its intended use, I am going to Mass. St John’s was built to replace the iron church which served Upper Norwood in the early 19th century. The relocation of Paxton's palace made the area so popular that it soon outgrew its congregation; its first vicar, William La Trobe Bateman, decided to build a larger one. Commissioning one of the leading gothic architects of the time, John Loughborough Pearson (acclaimed for his design of Truro Cathedral), the church took four years and £7,156 of donations to build. Subsequently described as ‘… the most beautiful parish church of modern days …’, it certainly is impressive. The red brick exterior belies what’s inside. Its gothic vaulted ceilings and stone arches are more akin to a cathedral than a parish church, the scale is magnificent. Inside it is quiet apart from the amplified murmuring of the congregation until, at ten o’clock, the organ starts up, filling the building with its dynamic sound. Designed by Thomas Lewis (also responsible for the organ in Southwark Cathedral) it was built whilst the church was under construction and after a number of rebuilds, it still sounds pretty amazing.

Photos by James Balston jamesbalston.com

The clergy begin the service, swinging the thurible left and right, filling our nostrils with sweet incense. This is not an unfamiliar ritual for me. My first gainful employment (aged 10) was as a chorister and I have been periodically involved with church life ever since. It is the calm and quiet, the peace of it all that keeps drawing me back. It is like an exercise in mindfulness, an engagement of senses: we smell the incense, feel the hard wooden pew, hear the organ, the sweet singing of the choir, the silence, the shuffling and occasional cry of a child’s voice. Listening to the story of Saul’s conversion to Christianity and the scales falling from his eyes, I realise it is the antithesis of the frenzy that is modern life. It puts you in a different head space. My problem with church is reconciling the wealth and riches with its ethos ‘sell all you have and give it to the poor’. While I love the pomp and beauty of the relics and treasures, surely it is hypocritical. St John’s doesn’t have this feel though. It is grand without doubt, but there is no ostentation here. Decoration is minimal and most of the windows are plain glass so that the two Madonnas placed either side of the altar draw your attention. One – recently purchased – depicts the Holy couple as black, and the other older one as white. As Father John explains, it is representative of the congregation, a way of ensuring that everyone can relate to the church. There is a great mix, not just in nationality and colour but also in age, gender, sexuality and income bracket, giving the message that St John’s doors are open to everyone. We give each other a sign of peace, shaking hands with strangers, smiling, mingling and feeling to all the world like part of the church community. 'Peace be with you': isn’t this what church should be about? After communion (add taste to the list of senses)

come the prayers. As well as directing our thoughts to those in crisis there is one for the Crystal Palace Transition Town group. I later discover they use the church meadow as a growing space, one of many ways Father John encourages community involvement. St John’s is a meeting place, a collection point for the food bank, a venue for the Crystal Palace Festival, the Film Festival and regular musical events for the public. 'The church may be money poor, but it is resource rich,' says John. 'Community talent should be harvested for the benefit of the community whether it is religious or not.’ As the soaring voices of the choir cut through the bellow of the organ the sun comes out, its rays shining through the plain glass window like a sign from heaven. ‘When the sun shines, be generous. Pass your good fortune on to others’. Amen. It seems fitting that this church, originally funded by its congregation, is working hard to give something back. High Mass will take place at 10am on Easter Sunday The church is open daily from 9.30am stjohn-uppernorwood.org.uk

St John the Evangelist is a Grade II* Listed ‘at risk’ building. In June the church will find out if the first round of an application to the Heritage Lottery Fund – for over £600,000, desperately needed to pay for vital underpinning to stop the south side of the church falling down – has been successful. If this, and subsequent stages, are favourably navigated, work to restore the fabric of the building will start in spring 2016. Plans are also afoot to apply for further funding: additional restoration and conservation projects, including the rebuilding of the church hall, would ensure St John’s could continue benefiting the community around it.

Photos by brixtonblog & Michael Wagg brixtonblog.com

UNDER THE COBBLESTONES, Ready for a more beautiful game? A rallying cry from Michael Wagg @michaelwagg

or those searching for a response to the moneyed madness of football’s Premier League, non-league football is fast becoming an answer and local club Dulwich Hamlet is leading the way. The idea is simple: if you like football but are fed up with the shenanigans in the upper reaches of the game, or you can’t afford to go to Selhurst Park to watch Crystal Palace, get down to Dulwich. If you don’t like football, and you can’t think of anything worse than going to Selhurst Park, you might still like it down at Dulwich. Smaller clubs are reclaiming the idea of what football can stand for, or at least redressing it, nurturing the good old stuff – community, a sense of belonging – alongside efforts to address problems that persist in the game. It feels part of a larger swell towards the homemade, the authentic. There’s a great spirit at Dulwich Hamlet and an active intent to reach out to the local community and encourage it to come to Champion Hill. The pink and blue scarves of Dulwich fans are regularly seen lending support to local people, such as the striking Brixton Ritzy workers and the Dulwich Picture Gallery staff fighting cuts. Southwark Foodbank was invited to a recent home match and collected enough food to feed thirty families. Attendances are rocketing. This year crowds have regularly reached over 1,000, way more than attend most games in the level above (the Conferences South & North). For a club that plays in the seventh tier of English football, and competes for attention with six London-based

Premier League clubs, this is a remarkable achievement. It can’t only be the top drawer locally-brewed ale served straight from the barrel (which, incidentally, you can drink wherever you like, in your seat or right beside the pitch): why are we turning pink and blue? It’s fairly priced, for a start. Tickets cost £10 (£4 concessions, including for NHS staff and blue light services) and under 12s go FREE. While Premier Leaguebashing isn’t the point, compared to the £35-£45 it costs for ‘Grade A’ matches at Selhurst Park (at least £17.50 for under 18s) it is difficult to ignore the difference. Meanwhile, and this is where the comparison does count, while Dulwich Hamlet pays its employed staff the London Living Wage, there is only one Premier League club to have agreed to do this – Chelsea. The average wage of a Premier League player is over £40,000 a week. I don’t have to tell you that there’s something rotten in the state of Denmark. But Hamlet might just be the answer. Of course it wouldn’t be if the football was rubbish, but it’s not. It’s swaggering. The Hamlet play a brand of fast, attacking football with the ball on the ground (although it is still fun when one is hoofed over the wall). There are plenty of exciting young players, some of whom will soon make steps up the football ladder; an excellent manager in Gavin Rose, who also leads the ASPIRE programme for local 16-18 year olds; and they’re heading towards a promotion play-off finale to the end of the season. You can even chat to the players about their chances after

THE PITCH! the match in the bar; which, incidentally, overlooks the pitch, so if you’re not too keen on the cold winds of East Dulwich (otherwise known as Tuscany) you can shelter for the duration and not miss any of the action. On the pitch the players don’t roll around like wounded badgers. Off the pitch home and away fans mix, kids run about, their parents try very hard not to swear, and the singing is full of vim and wit – think reworkings of mildly obscure 80s pop. But more than that, it is the genuine spirit of openness and community focus that marks Dulwich Hamlet out as a serious antidote to the big league. The already strong fan base is currently exploring the possibility of Fan Ownership of the club through a Supporters’ Trust, while a separate 12th Man Scheme raises funds that go directly into the playing budget. The club was chosen as an ambassador for the anti-racism and discrimination campaign Kick It Out, and on Non-League Day last year a crowd of over 2,800 turned up and paid ‘what you want’, with all profits going to local charities The Robes Project and UK Homes 4 Heroes. Then perhaps the most significant achievement yet: on a cold Wednesday night in February nearly 400 people turned up for an anti-homophobia friendly and fundraiser against Stonewall FC, the first of its kind in the country, and instigated by a lifelong Dulwich Hamlet fan. A huge success, the match raised almost £2,000 for the Elton John AIDS Foundation and attracted national and international attention. For the following home league match, against Metropolitan Police, new LGBT fans were

offered free tickets. The club and its fans don’t just talk the talk. It’s about doing something, on-going – not just saying ‘we’re anti-homophobia’, but actively encouraging gay fans to adopt the club as their own. This in particular is not an insignificant battle. There are still no openly gay professional footballers. The type of unity that an event like the Stonewall match can start to create is a vital step for the sport, at a time when its image can still be as ugly as ever. It’s all happening in SE22. At the heart of it are the motley crew who sing their socks off home and away behind the opposition goal. Known as The Rabble, they epitomise all that is positive about football at any level – welcoming, boisterous, witty, weird and wonderful. They are part of a local club leading a small and significant football revolution: football for everyone. So head up to Champion Hill and see for yourself. You’ll have to – Dulwich Hamlet will not be televised. Dulwich Hamlet Football Club Champion Hill Stadium Edgar Kail Way East Dulwich SE22 8BD dulwichhamletfc.london @DulwichHamletFC dhst.org.uk @dhstorg 39

Sue Williams‘ lonely hours oiling her spade handle

are almost over. It’s (nearly) spring!

t’s not the best time of year for the gardener. No matter that intentions are good at the end of the autumn ... I’m going to spend fruitful hours oiling my spade handle and labelling seed packets in nice cursive writing. When the ground’s so muddy that it swallows your wellies with every sodden step and the sky is as leaden as the second series of Broadchurch and the Red Nose celebrity bake off seems a better option than compost turning, then the gardener’s lot is not a happy one. But ... the woodpecker has been heard on the country park and, as I write – at not quite March – the day brings that first tentative sunshine that makes you think that spring is but a whisper away. And if you step out into the garden there are some plants which are, against all reason, throwing out heady scents into the February air: summery scents but in the dark short days at the end of winter. And they are evergreen shrubs to boot so are a staple of the garden and not one-week wonders like the soon-to-bloom forsythia. Sarcococca confusa is a fairly ordinary looking shrub. It is commonly called ‘sweet box’ and has dark green glossy leaves which look a bit like the leaves of the privet. It can be pruned into pleasing shapes, like its non-sweet namesake, and in February it produces very small creamy white flowers which have the most intoxicating scent. And I mean intoxicating, if planted in the right position. I visited a house last week where

the smell of the sarcococca flowers filled the whole of the front garden. It is the surprise of the heady scent which pulls me up short as sunshine is so often the soundtrack to the scented garden. When the flowers fade they are replaced by glossy black berries which can persist into the following winter. It doesn’t require any special conditions for planting and will tolerate a fair bit of shade. It usually grows to about four feet tall and will spread out if not pruned but looks much more attractive if given a yearly trim. It doesn’t seem to make it on to the bestseller plant lists but I think it is very under valued and deserves a berth in most gardens. On to the daphne genus in all its wonderfulness. This can be seen as a bit of a tricky plant to grow, and there is an element of truth here as a bit of consideration needs to be given to its siting. As it is fairly expensive gardeners sometimes give it a miss, though it is another late winter star which produces both flowers and scent from February onwards. There are many types of daphne but the winter-flowering ones are perhaps the most popular. Daphne odora ‘Aureomarginata’ is the real deal. It has glossy green leaves which are distinctly edged with creamy yellow margins and deep pink flowers which open out to be almost white. Care needs to be taken when planting this shrub that it doesn’t become waterlogged so a free draining soil is essential as is a reasonably sheltered spot in the garden. The daphnes which have flowered

most successfully in gardens I visit are often sited near to walls so a spot near the house would be good. Daphne x transatlantica Eternal Fragrance ‘Blafra’ is another beauty. This flowers a bit later than most daphnes but when it starts it carries on from April to September. As the flowers appear on new growth it just keeps on producing through the growing season. This plant has glossy green leaves and pure white flowers which turn to deep red berries in winter. As with the foxglove don’t be tempted to eat this plant as the leaves and berries are very toxic. Even in these days of foraging for our tea, give the daphne a miss. Viburnum x bodnantense ‘Charles Lamont’ is the Patch’s final winter wonder. This beauty can flower from October to March. Icy weather will not deter this hardy fellow as it will bloom again a couple of days after frost and snow. This is a deciduous shrub so the clusters of scented pink blooms stand out in winter on bare stems. The fragrance is not as strong as with the sarcococca and daphne so plant in groups if you want a stronger perfume. In summer the viburnum produces bronze leaves which mature to a glossy green and the shrub will do best in a sunny position in good humus rich soil. It’s been a dark, wet winter. Liven up the dog days of the season with these wonderful plants. Happy gardening 41

Beauty advisor Louise Heywood recommends some...

s k c i P y e n o M t e k c Po ust because you’re a grown-up doesn’t mean you have to stay away from the make-up brands of your teenage years: the likes of Rimmel and Top Shop have some great products in gorgeous wearable shades. OK the packaging isn’t shiny and weighty, but for me the thrill of a savvy bargain totally makes up for that. My only real reluctance with make-up from the cheaper brands is their slim shade range for foundations and concealers – many cater only for

caucasian skin and even then not very well. Try to test it out first (squeeze a little into an empty clean pot to try at home) and if the consistency and shade isn’t right for your skin then stay away. It’s easy to feel lost in the make-up aisles so get yourself down to a big Superdrug or Boots armed with this list of a few of my favourite cheap and cheerful products – all are as good as their pricey brand equivalents. I hope it will inspire you to create a modern, laid-back, grown-up look on a teen budget.

B as e

Bourjois Healthy Mix Serum Foundation £10.99 A lovely medium-coverage, lightweight foundation with a natural finish for those with normal to dry skin.

E y es

Revlon Colorstay 24hrs £12.49 Comes in combination/oily and normal/dry skin ranges (although I would not recommend it for those with dry/ very dry skin) and in a decent range of shades too. This is a full-coverage foundation so just use it where you need it, blending well and quickly as it sets (and really lasts) to a natural matt finish. Garnier BB Cream Skin Perfector for Sensitive Skin £9.99 Very sheer, feels great and moisturises whilst keeping shine at bay – basically just makes skin look a bit healthier. L’Oreal True Match Touche Magic Concealer £8.19 Great consistency (neither too creamy nor too dry), good coverage AND stays put. Go a shade lighter than your foundation for under the eye area and don’t forget the inner and outer corners.

L’Oreal Super Liner Smokissime £5.99 These new pens with a foamy tip are great for a soft smokey eyeliner look. The Brown Smoke is a delicious bronze shade. Pat on the upper and lower lashline and smudge with your finger or a stubby brush. Maybelline Eye Studio Lasting Drama Gel Eyeliner £7.99 Definitely as good as the pricey versions and comes with an excellent brush. It doesn’t budge and it works whether you want a clean line with a flick or soft definition. Brown and Black Gold are gorgeous shades. Revlon Colorstay Shadowlinks £2.99 I love these shadows, they are a total bargain and they link together to make a customised palette. My favourite three shades – ones you will use again and again – are: Bone, a matt ivory for all over the lid; Taupe a cool brown with a slight silver shimmer for soft definition from lash to just above the socket line; and Cocoa, a matt deep brown for defining the outer corner and upper and lower lashline.

Max Factor False Lash Effect Fusion Mascara £11.99 It keeps the curl (because of course you will have curled your lashes beforehand, won’t you), thickens AND lengthens. 42

Cheeks

Top Shop Cream Blush £7.00 Good fresh colours that blend into the skin to a sheer powder finish. Flush suits most people. Sleek MakeUP Blush by 3 £9.99 These blushers are especially good for dark skin tones as they are very pigmented and have loads of bright and beautiful shades. Sold in palettes of three complementary shades, each with different finishes – shimmer, matt, bright or cream. Pink Lemonade is a favourite. Sleek MakeUP Face Form £9.99 A contouring and blush palette available in four shades from light to dark. All come with a contour powder and a highlighter, but shades Fair and Light include a blush and Medium and Dark a bronzer. Have fun but go sparingly.

Lips

No7 BB Lips £9.00 If you’re after a sheer tinted lip gloss/balm you’ll love these. All seven shades are gorgeous and it really does leave your lips moisturised and nourished.

Brush

Real Technique from £5.99 Finally an affordable range of really good quality brushes. I use the Pointed Foundation brush and Contour brush (from the Core Collection 1403 kit) all the time.

Louise Heywood provides one-to-one and group make-up lessons and makeovers in Crystal Palace louiseheywood.com 43

GIVE ME FIVE

Liz Clamp finds Transmitter foodie Rachel de Thample’s

new book a delicious mine of information

achel de Thample is a local chef, recipe creator and writer, and this is the second book she has written cajoling us to put more fruit and veg into our lives. The book – titled simply Five – is a useful and natural successor to her Less Meat More Veg and contains 150 ways to eat your 5-a-day with ideas inspired by friends, local restaurateurs and indeed members of her own family. For me, living with someone who thinks the only true home for a vegetable is on That’s Life accompanied by a rude caption, sneaking the recommended daily amount into the family diet is difficult. However Five is a cookbook which does exactly what it says on the tin: recipes focus on fulfilling your 5 quota, are easily recreated and tasty. Personally I really like the fact that it is not prescriptive and actively encourages a little creativity too. Knowing exactly what constitutes 1 portion of veg can baffle us all, but here recipes clearly state each necessary amount. Spoiler alert: some contain all 5! At the front of the book is a comprehensive portion calculator – which I found really useful – as well as daily menu ideas. I have now become slightly addicted to the 5-a-day challenge and Five sits alongside my ‘go to’ books for feeding family and friends. Several of the recipes have already become permanent additions to the household repertoire including Chinese Seaweed, Roast Pumpkin & Bacon and the wonderfully-named On the Road to Eritrea.

Five by Rachel de Thample is available at Bookseller Crow £14.99 45

Rachel’s Recipe

Souk Salad Spiced Aubergines with

and Pistachio

Yoghurt

This makes an impressive party piece. Equally, it’s a stunning packed lunch to tote into work to make your colleagues weep (pack the dressing in a lidded jam jar and dress just before serving). All the herbs, veg and spice packed into this pretty salad are hugely energising. And it includes 4 of your 5-a-day. Preparation 15 mins Cook 45 mins Serves 4 METHOD Place a baking tray on the top shelf of the oven set to 220°C/Gas 7.

INGREDIENTS

First, prepare the aubergines. Halve the aubergines lengthways. Make 1cm deep cuts on the diagonal, about 2cm apart. Repeat in the opposite direction, creating a criss-cross pattern. Rub the chopped garlic over the top. Dust with salt and pepper. Gloss with a generous drizzle of olive oil. Roast on the heated tray for 40 minutes until tender.

2 handfuls of fresh herbs (choose 2–3 of the following: mint, parsley, dill, coriander, chives, basil, tarragon, sorrel)

For the pistachio yoghurt, whizz the pistachios with the mint and yoghurt in a blender or food processor until smooth. Alternatively, grind the pistachios in a pestle and mortar, add the mint, pound it to a paste and whisk into the yoghurt. Season to taste. Trickle in a little olive oil as needed.

2 large handfuls of mixed seasonal veg a gloss of olive oil 2 pomegranates 1 handful of edible flowers (optional) sea salt and ground pepper For the spiced aubergines: 2 aubergines

Clean your salad leaves. Mix in a large bowl with your herbs and seasonal veg. Sprinkle over a pinch of salt and pepper, gloss with a drop of olive oil and mix well.

1 garlic clove, chopped

Roll the pomegranates on a firm surface to loosen the seeds. Place a sieve over a bowl. Cut the pomegranates over the sieve so the juices are caught in the bowl. Pluck the seeds from the pomegranates: do this by inverting the pomegranate halves then gently teasing out any stuck seeds with your fingers. Remove any white pith from your pile of seeds.

1 tsp sweet paprika

Drizzle the pomegranate juice over the salad. Divide between plates. Dollop with some pistachio yoghurt. Plonk a spiced aubergine half on each salad. Finish with the pomegranate seeds (and the edible flowers, if using). Serve the remaining yoghurt on the side My favourite mix is thinly sliced radishes (toss the leaves in with the salad leaves), thinly sliced cucumber rounds, tender purple sprouting broccoli florets, thinly sliced red onions (gently softened by placing them in a sieve and then pouring over boiling water) and shavings of fennel (add the fronds to the herb mix). 46

a good gloss of olive oil 1 tbsp cumin seeds 1 tsp ground cloves 1 tsp ground cinnamon a pinch of chilli powder For the pistachio yoghurt: 6 tbsp shelled pistachios 1 large handful of fresh mint 250g natural yoghurt 1–2 tsp olive oil

Photography | Nassima Rothacker

Mix up the aubergine spices. Dust over the cooked aubergine. Roast for another 5 minutes.

4 handfuls of mixed salad leaves

MELANIE REEVE TALKS US THROUGH ...

… A TRIO OF REDS What are you drinking at this time of the year? If you’re anything like me, red wines are still very much the order of the day (until spring well and truly kicks in). So here’s a trio of reds to inspire ...

Pinot Nero 2013 Vigneti delle Dolomiti IGT Marks & Spencer £9 Light, soft red with fresh raspberry and star anise aromas, full of cranberry and red cherry fruit. The purity of flavour of this 100% Pinot Noir is linked to the fresh mountain air high in the Dolomite foothills, where the grapes thrive in the volcanic soil. Delicious with duck or try with soft cheeses such as Brie or Camembert.

Cabalié 2013 Cotes Catalanes IGP, France Laithwaites £8.99 A rich, bold and inviting berry-laden Grenache blend, this wine has won 12 medals across five vintages. A silvermedal winner in the International Wine Challenge 2014, online reviews include ‘When my time comes to shuffle off this mortal coil, this is the wine I want in that final glass...’ One to savour with a slow-braised beef casserole or a hearty Sunday roast.

Weinert Carrascal 2009 Mendoza, Argentina The Wine Society ÂŁ7.95 Mellow and fruity with a rounded, velvety texture. Notes of cedar, tobacco and leather have developed through ageing for two years in large oak barrels and six months in vats before bottling. A blend of 40% Malbec, 35% Cabernet Sauvignon and 25% Merlot, it works beautifully with bean chilli or lasagne.

Keep up to date with Melanieâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wine adventures on Facebook at Wine Alive or email your wine queries to winealiveuk@gmail.com 49

Exercise? Jessica Johnson

learns how to love it

PHYSICAL EDUCATION

jump the steps of Crystal Palace Park two by two before my wobbly legs carry me down for the repeat back up. Using the ruined walls as an outdoor gym, I then attempt my first handstand in 25 years. The bloodrush sends a searing pins and needles sensation to my eyebrows but yes, there’s a definite feelgood factor to be had standing on my head again, even in the rain. After running, squatting, dipping, skipping and lunging my way through half an hour of high intensity training, I crash out on my battered mat in a sweaty, happy heap. The expert who has devised these exercises, the person who cheers me on when I think my arms might just snap off with exhaustion, who stretches out my quads under a big cloudy sky, is local training coach Kristin Kojan. I had decided to shake up my exercise regime. Post-work evenings were largely geared around my sofa, box sets and comfort food and my gym membership card had gone AWOL, falling ever deeper to the back of my purse. After meeting Kristin at The Little Escape (a brilliant holistic therapy centre located just off Westow Street) I learnt of her unique approach to personal fitness. It’s geared around helping people to ‘find their own formula’. Or, pinpointing the stuff that makes you tick and then making enough time to do it. The cross trainer at the local gym certainly wasn’t doing me any favours. I lacked the motivation to stay on most machines for more than 15 minutes yet I’d jog on, enduring the slog for the duration of Eastenders just to get my money’s worth. Kristin’s method takes a different tack entirely. ‘A lot of people have a skewed vision of what encompasses a good workout,’ she explains. These include the beliefs that an exercise session must last for at least an hour, that one must sweat like a pig to exercise proper, and that classes such as the ‘Insanity’ workout – which can leave you wheezing for your life – will result in revolutionary new abs. ‘It’s important for me to ask questions about lifestyle,’ says Kristin. ‘What does the client prefer spending their time on, what are their goals and standards, what are they tolerating and what are they expecting? I believe we all have the answers within and I ask these questions to help the client see patterns, habits and behaviours that are so ingrained, they may not even be aware of them. ‘Getting

a little education, learning some new skills and hearing different ideas can be enough to trigger change and progress. Of course the challenging work is to develop the new habits and stick to them.’ My new habits were about to develop in the grounds of Crystal Palace where we met for three weekly sessions of 30 minutes straight from work. My goals were simple enough. I wanted to feel lighter on my feet, improve flexibility, and sort out an age-old knee injury that had brought an end to my love of running. If I could fit into a (too-small-but-bargain-priced) dress I’d bought for a wedding, well, that would be a happy bonus. After a thorough assessment from Kristin – who checked everything from shoulder rotation to how long I could stay in plank (75 seconds … and crash) – I was given a bespoke, ever-changing set of training and movement exercises that would challenge and strengthen my sluggish frame. Kristin’s aims were a little more specific: to address my postural issues, improve strength and get me more proficient with foundation movement patterns. Even the simplest of squats was a painful exercise in biomechanics for my seemingly fossilised joints. Benches proved the best piece of kit in the park. When I wasn’t arm dipping or squatting to the front of them, I was lowering myself to the ground from the seats in a bid to improve my shoulder strength. I’d never know what I was in for. Workouts would often involve the use of simple pieces of equipment from Kristin’s bag of tricks; giant elastic bands added a clever resistance effect to knee and arm exercises, and the skipping rope was the simplest way to shoehorn a solid blast of cardio into a limited pocket of time. Yet most of the ‘burn’ was created just by using my body’s own weight – pavement sprints would be chased up by lunges, push ups or a round or three of the dreaded, fat-busting burpees. The new movement patterns pushed me well out of my comfort zone but what changed my perception of how to train smarter was Kristin’s impeccable sense of timing. Exercise instructions came in carefully measured doses. Five minutes of this exercise, interchanged with one minute of that, created a series of achievable mini goals that built up over sessions and weeks to create real change. By month three I could feel a definite improvement in my strength, stamina and flexibility.

Not only that, but my general mood had improved hugely and I could approach challenges, especially work-related ones, with a new-found inner confidence. Norwegian-born Kristin certainly knows her stuff, with over 30 years experience training clients. She draws techniques from a wide range of studied disciplines: from Pilates, Cross Fit and Olympic lifting to current studies in health and nutrition, her quest for information and education is unstoppable. Her eyes light up when she talks about trampolining and gymnastics, a personal passion that began as a hobby in 2005 before she began to teach the art on a one-one basis. ‘Some of my clients were between 65-75 and I found them an amazing inspiration,’ says Kristin. ‘I have always been very hungry for information on everything related to the body – biomechanics, anatomy, massage, teaching classes and circus arts. It has now become a little bit of an obsession to teach that is possible to feel great in your body and love it with age.’ Last year, after 20 years living, training, and teaching in San Francisco, Kristin re-located to Crystal Palace. Her work as a massage therapist at The Little Escape specialises in a combination of Swedish and deep tissue massage that draws on muscle energy techniques to unlock tough, gristly knots. For Kristin, massage is a complementary part of the bigger wellbeing picture alongside the establishment of sound sleeping patterns and a nutritious eating plan that works in harmony with the levels of hunger, energy and cravings we all experience on a daily basis. Together, these factors can help to combat stress – in Kristin’s view, one of the biggest obstacles to our general health. Thanks to the wisdom and infinite amount of patience Kristin brought to our sessions, my willingness to break out of an old habit and jumpstart a new one quickly became a walk in the park. With a bit of self-motivation, the tools for a good workout are here to stay. I still jump those steps. I still step that bench. And the dress still fits. Kristin Kojan Find Your Formula 07456 888206 cirqlefitness@gmail.com 51

THERE’S A WORLD OUT THERE! LPs: the vinyl frontier. Howard Male discusses the revival of the big black disc and some recent world music releases that honour it

ere’s a handy tip for any promoters keen to get their artists albums reviewed: offer critics limited edition vinyl copies. As soon as Molly at Futureproof put the thought into my head of an actual LP of Nigerian soul singer Nneka’s latest, I found myself already favourably disposed to the idea of it. Vinyl bestows a certain dignity on a release. It also informs you that the artist concerned has an awareness of the historical significance of a format that is still playing the long game rather than – like some flyby-night boy band – gobbing out sonically-compromised MP3s, one at a time, for consumers content with a tinny facsimile of whatever magic was captured in the studio. In other words, the vinyl artist is a class act. In fact vinyl has been making a comeback for at least a decade, now, but suddenly things have stepped up a gear. Last year in the UK alone, profits of 20 million pounds were made (compared to just three million, five years ago). So this time around (and around at 33.3 rpm), I thought I’d focus on new releases that are also available on vinyl. Firstly, let’s deal with the aforementioned Nneka. Best known for having the chorus of her chillingly brilliant Heartbeat nicked by Rita Ora to function as the chorus for her deeply banal R.I.P, Nneka is back on form after a lacklustre and rushed-sounding second album. My Fairy Tales (Bushqueen Music) primarily has a roots reggae vibe but there are also sidesteps into funk and Afrobeat. However, it’s the muscular production and uncluttered arrangements that suggest a larger international audience may soon be seduced by her politically and spiritually driven music. The only downside is the inexplicably Disneyesque cover artwork. Next we come to London-based funk jazz (rather than jazz funk) outfit Nubiyan Twist whose debut album of the same name has just been released. There are agreeable echoes of Jill Scott and Meshell Ndegeocello in the honeyed yet assertive vocals of south Londoner Nubiya Brandon and the ease with which she alternates between rapping and singing. But that’s not to say that the band is just her backing group. It’s clear from how the complex songs change direction every few bars, taking in many different styles but never in a forced or affected way, that

every member of this 12-piece outfit is integral to their finished brass-heavy sound. Also, having recently seen them at a well-attended freebie at the Queen Elizabeth Hall, I can vouch for the fact that they are one of the best live bands currently on the London circuit. I wrote favourably in this column about Samba Toure’s previous album. However, it has to be said that it was a rather sombre affair, due largely to the fact that the singer-songwriter’s home of Mali was under sharia law while it was being recorded. Today, however, the situation is much improved in Mali and the more upbeat Gandadiko (Glitterbeat Records) reflects this. There’s an aggressive rock feel to several of the tracks, as Toure sings with cautious optimism of the rebuilding of his homeland. Finally, still in Mali (via California), we come to Africa Express presents Terry Riley’s In C Mali (Transgressive Records). In 1964, modernist American composer Riley devised a piece of music that was more a set of instructions than a composition. The essence of these instructions was that an unspecified number of musicians improvise around a single chord over 53 sections of unprescribed duration. Many groups, from rock bands to orchestras, have recorded their versions of this compelling piece over the years, but not only is this the first African interpretation it’s also, I would argue, the most accessible and most melodic version. For despite the repetitiveness that is the very nature of In C, there is so much texturally, rhythmically and melodically going on during the 40 minutes it takes to play out, that it’s impossible to become bored. Rather, one is hypnotised by music that feels simultaneously static and racing ever onwards with no end in sight. Do google the accompanying film because it makes the experience even more immersive by placing you in the passenger seat of a car driving through the bustling streets of Bamako. And of course, do get the vinyl version for the pleasure of slipping a silky black disc from its flimsy inner sleeve and then slowly lowering a diamond stylus on to its seductively spinning surface. Howard Male is the author of the murder mystery Etc Etc Amen (available from The Bookseller Crow).

Jonathan Main suggests

titles for fans of the hard-hitting or humorous and heartily recommends a superior slice of small-town America

THE BOOKSELLER @BooksellerCrow

f at some point during the last eighteen years you have asked me for a book recommendation, there is a very good chance that I will have thrust a copy of The End of Vandalism by Tom Drury on to you. Out of print in the UK for more than twenty years, I have regularly imported it from America and I must have done this thrusting a couple of hundred times or more; for, as Jon McGregor says in his introduction to this handsome new UK edition (Old Street £12.00), once read you will become one of those people who try and foist it upon other people, your eyes shining with the unsettling delight of having lived through it. You will become one of those people who quote the best sentences, flicking through the pages to where you have them underlined. He’s not wrong. Superficially it is a book like many other American novels of quiet, small-town, mid-western life, but dig a little deeper and it is not like them at all. As the author himself says, his characters probably talk a little more than people do in real life; everything he knows about them is on the page – all other thoughts about them are merely supposition. It is a very funny book, but the humour is not the whimsy of Lake Wobegon. It arises, much of it, off-kilter, from the characters (and what characters they are!). Famously, a thief hoovers a church before stealing the chalice and a man named Tiny Darling gets arrested for vandalising the anti-vandalism

dance. Nothing much happens and everything happens in the 296 square miles of Grouse country Iowa, where family agriculture seemed to be over and had not been replaced by any other compelling idea. The 1992 Los Angeles riots were – by damage alone – the greatest civic disturbance in the history of the United States. For 6 days following the acquittal of four police officers for assault and excessive force in the arrest of Rodney King (even though widely broadcast video evidence proved otherwise) rioting, looting and gang-on-gang violence overtook South Central LA; it escalated quickly once it became apparent that there was little or no police presence to combat it. By the evening of day two Koreatown had been effectively abandoned by the police completely, leaving a community to take up arms in its defence. In All Involved (available from May, Picador £12.99) Ryan Gattis paints a Wire-like portrait of these six days. Using the first person narratives of various participants – from Chicano gang members who use this time to commit crimes and settle scores, to Korean store owners who take up arms, to firemen under siege from the public – it is a blistering and sometimes brutal book that feels wholly authentic. If you like this kind of thing, it will blow you away.

This week’s Gone Girl is The Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins (Doubleday £12.99) in which a girl (woman actually) on a train attempts to unravel – through the drunken haze of her own unreliable memory – the circumstances of another woman’s disappearance. It is claustrophobic and obsessive and if you wanted to, you could call it Hitchcockian and get away with it. Christobel Kent writes great atmosphere and in The Crooked House (paperback available late April, Sphere £7.99) she serves up a bleak Essex coast of marsh and estuary, and silver light and mud; and a close-knit secretive community that might be a law unto itself. Esme once lived here with her family in the house of the title, but then fled after an unbelievable tragedy. Years later and with a new identity she returns to the village with her boyfriend and can’t help but be drawn back into the events that sent her away. I don’t watch much television (how do you think I read so many books?) and so I’ve never seen Peep Show or Fresh Meat both of which were co-written by Jesse Armstrong. However his first novel, Love Sex and other Foreign Policy Goals (Jonathan Cape £12.99), bears some thematic similarities to the feature film Four Lions (which I have seen) and which he also co-wrote. Set in 1994, an innocent young man from the Welsh

borders is drawn to a rag-tag middle class acting troupe intent on a mission to take a van full of rice and a ‘peace play’ to Bosnia to stop the war. This scenario allows for the group to be both players and played, unwittingly manipulated at every turn be it by Tory diplomats, the various warring factions, or themselves. Like Four Lions it is very funny, but it also, and lightly, asks some serious questions, not all of which are resolved. Jake’s dad is big and fat, with a gigantic gut, a bald head and a long bushy ponytail. By day he is a demolition man, but at the weekends he is THE Demolition Man a small-time wrestler performing to a sparse crowd of pensioners for the entertainment of his son. That is, until Jake enters him into a competition in America to become the new Heavyweight Champion of the World. Popular local author Phil Earle’s new book Demolition Dad (available early May, Orion £6.99) is laugh out loud funny (even to this grim-faced dad) and is pitched perfectly for any tyke who has devoured David Walliams – or, an even better comparison, Roald Dahl’s Danny the Champion of the World.

SPECIAL SEASONAL EVENT

Easter logy ARIES The Ram Mar 22 - Apr 20

Bleak, drab, dark, bad, unremittingly sad. Maybe a tingle of joy in May.

TAURUS The Bull Apr 21 - May 21

My Ouija board just spelled “Gusset chutney” - does this resonate?

GEMINI The Twins May 22 - Jun 21

You feel like everyone’s out to get you. They are.

CANCER The Crab Jun 21 - Jul 22

I note from Santa that 87% of Cancarians are ALREADY on the naughty list.

LEO The Lion Jul 23 - Aug 22

You lie awake worrying about the future. Don’t. It changes nothing.

Onkey the donkey The Disciple chicks and the chocolate bunny crucifixion. Once upon a time, long, long ago, the Easter Bunny arrived in the old city of Jerusalem riding upon his very good friend Onkey the donkey. Crowds had gathered in the streets because the Easter Bunny was a famous celebrity as many people thought he was the son of God, who is an omnipresent entity with a beard who lives in heaven which is on a cloud in the sky. The Sun was shining a lot and the Easter Bunny and Onkey were both jolly hot after their long ride across the desert. “Onkey, due to the bizarre fact that I am made from chocolate, I am starting to go a bit soft and melty in the heat.” Said The Easter Bunny. “I need to get out of this hot Sun.” So even though the crowds waved giant palm leaves to cool The Easter Bunny, he and Onkey had to quickly find an air conditioned bar where they could ‘chill’. The bar was down some steps underground and had red lights in it and some Chicks on a stage dancing to music. The Easter Bunny said to the barman: “Bring us all some wine which symbolizes my blood.” He and Onkey sat down on fake leather booth seating and began to relax as they watched the chicks dance.” They are very clever at sliding up and down on those shiny sticks.” Said Onkey. “Silly Onkey,” Said the Easter Bunny, “they are called poles and the chicks are part of a dancing group called The Disciples”. He could already feel his chocolate beginning to harden as he watched them. “Oh, have you been here before?” Said Onkey. “Oh yes Onkey.” Said The Easter Bunny, “As often as I can afford it.” He threw some of his chocolate coins onto the stage. The ladies certainly seemed to know the Easter Bunny very well, thought Onkey, because they were waggling their bottoms at him as they picked up the coins in their beaks. So well that after they had finished their dancing they came off the stage to sit down with them and The Easter Bunny let one chick called Mary Magdisciple lick some chocolate from his superstar body! Then the Easter Bunny said: “We must all eat ‘the last supper’ which symbolizes you eating my body, but before that I must wash all the Disciple chicks feet like a slave, to show how much I love them.” Onkey watched as he did this very very carefully and sometimes washed all the way up to where their Easter eggs come out. While they were having their dinner, a High Priest came into the bar and demanded a chick to dance for him. One Disciple chick called Judy betrayed the Easter Bunny by doing her bottom dancing at the Priest, but the Easter Bunny did not seem to be angry and instead told them all: “I will soon die but then I will come back to life.” Onkey was very confused.

Mystic Mike is omnipresent but you can interact with him here: 56

mysticmike.co.uk

@mrmysticmike

The next day Onkey, the Easter Bunny and the rest of the Disciples chicks were woken up by some naughty Roman soldiers who pulled the Easter Bunny out of the big bed and took him away to Pontius Pancake who said: “For claiming to be the son of God you must be executed by crucifixion which is being fatally melted onto a hot cross bun.” He was also made to wear a crown of Hundreds and Thousands and carry his hot cross bun through the streets. Then he was put onto the cross bun to melt. Onkey and the chicks went to watch and cry at the Easter Bunny on the cross bun. As he melted, the Easter Bunny said: My God! Why have you forsaken me? Then he died a slow and agonising death which was for our sins. The Easter Bunny’s melty body was moved on the hot cross bun in to a clay oven set at gas mark IV for three days with it’s big stone door slammed shut. Pontius Pancake said it was a Good Friday but Onkey thought, why didn’t God save the Easter Bunny if he was his daddy? The Disciple chicks did their best to make Onkey feel better in the big bed but he was sad about his friend The Easter Bunny so when they were asleep he went to the oven and used all his might to push the big stone door open and from inside came a lovely chocolaty smell. I’m hungry, thought Onkey, and the Easter Bunny did say to eat his body, didn’t he? The next day Mary Magdisciple chick went to the oven and found the big stone door open. She went inside to find Onkey asleep on the floor with a chocolaty chin! “What are you doing here Onkey?” said Mary Magdisciple chick. “I came to find the Easter Bunny but I, er…. it was empty and er, I fell asleep. “But where is the melted Easter hot cross bunny!?” said Mary Magdisciple chick getting angry. “ I don’t know…” said Onkey quickly licking the chocolate off his lips, “ Er, but I did see him! He was here and he wasn’t melted anymore! I let him out of the oven and he said he had to go somewhere, er, so he told me to wait inside until he came back.” “He is risen!” Shouted Mary Magdisciple chick. “We must tell everyone! – Everyone in the world!”

VIRGO The Virgin Aug 23 - Sep 22

Tomorrow, you will produce a vast trump that your neighbours remark on.

LIBRA The Scales Sep 23 - Oct 23

The Moon will be waxing tonight and so should you - back, crack and sack.

SCORPIO The Hunter Oct 24 - Nov 21

This Tuesday is the precise moment when your life starts going downhill.

SAGITTARIUS The Archer Nov 22 - Dec 21

I’m projecting a vision of a pink Penguin into your mind’s eye. See him? I knew you would.

Onkey was so afraid because he had told a lie that a little noise came out of his bottom and suddenly he could smell the lovely chocolaty smell again. CAPRICORN The Goat(ee) Dec 22 - Jan 20

Oh! Onkey!” said Mary Magdisciple chick.

The End

Penge pronounced ‘Ponjze’ as the French would, is extolled by the Penge great and good. Their desire to be posh, far outweighs all the tosh, of the name being misunderstood.

* The above happened about 2000 years ago and wasn’t even written down for 500 years so it is possible that some or all of details have become confused.

The thoughts in your head are 92% about what you are going to eat next.

AQUARIUS The Water Carrier Jan 21 - Feb 21

You secretly want to pose for a photo in your pants, brandishing an AK47.

PISCES The Haddock Feb 22 - Mar 21

You will enter a room but forget why you’re there. It’s a toilet, Do a poo.

Transmitter Directoire...

visit

To place an advert, thetransmitter.biz or call 020 8771 5543

What’s on Loads of stuff to do

THE PORTICO GALLERY Knights Hall, 23a Knights Hill, West Norwood SE27 0HS. Tel: 0208 761 7612 porticogallery.org.uk For details of Yoga, sewing, Life drawing and pottery classes please check our website.

FEAST FILM NIGHT

Sat 28 March Frocks & Cocktails night with Some Like it Hot (PG). Dazzling comedy as Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis join an all-girl band after witnessing a crime. With Marilyn Monroe.

BAZAARS ON FEAST DAY

Doors open 7.30pm, screening at 8pm. £4.00 on the door. For further fortnightly FEAST Film Night listings go to porticogallery.org.uk or westnorwoodfeast.com

Starting on 5 April 2015 and then on the First Sunday of the month West Norwood is the venue for the West Norwood Feast. On Feast Days we hold an Arts & Crafts Bazaar between 10am and 4pm showcasing a vast array of local talent. Everything from high end chocolate to the most up-to-date urban fashions. Many of the local South London artists also have pitches so if you are looking for a reasonably priced piece of art this is the place to come to.

FOLK OF THE WOOD AND CEILIDH NIGHT

MAMBISTA

Friday April 17, 7pm Folk Of The Wood Hoedown Ceilidh, starring Bluegrass Banjo and step dancing legend Stompin’ Dave Allen and the sweetest Apalachian/old time tunes for dancing. Hosted by Ceilidh Tree and guest caller to show you the moves - all ages welcome - for beginners or seasoned swingers. Fri 15 May Pirate-themed Ceilidh with pirate dances, sea shanty and animatronic sharks! folkofthewood.co.uk Tickets from facebook.com/folkofthewood

TEA DANCE

Weds 8 April, Weds 13 May Live music, home made cakes, a space to try out some new dances, a sing-a-long, Easter-themed activities, toddlers play area, community scarf knitting! Admittance is now free, but you can make a donation towards the baking if you feel you would like to support it. Dementia friendly. Disabled access.

Fri 24 April Gerry Lyseight on DJ duties on either side of live music from Grupo Lokito, through until midnight. Grupo Lokito fuses contemporary Congolese and Latin music creating a modern day cocktail of two of the great world musics. Doors open 7pm. Salsa class 7-8pm. Mambista from 8pm til midnight. Go to www.porticogallery.org.uk and to pay just £6, in advance. Or £8 on the door for Mambista from 8pm through until midnight, includes salsa class at 7pm Fri 22 May Gerry Lyseight on DJ and live music from the Soothsayers: • A fantastic blend of jazz, afro-beat and reggae • A Dance-floor ready combination of cascading horn riffs, punchy improvisation, interlocking guitar lines and infectious rhythms: Jazzwise Magazine Doors open 7pm. Salsa class 7-8pm. Mambista from 8pm til midnight. Go to porticogallery.org.uk and to pay just £6, in advance. Or £8 on the door for Mambista from 8pm through until midnight, includes salsa class at 7pm.

What’s on

COMEDY

DULWICH PICTURE GALLERY

ANTENNA STUDIOS

RAVILIOUS

Every Friday Booking: 020 8466 0558 Tickets in advance online at bromleycomedy.com or at studio in association with Bromley Comedy Doors open 8pm Bowyers Yard Haynes Lane SE19 3AN

COMEDY ROAR!

An epic night of stand-up, sketch & character comedy featuring awesome acts from the funny-assic era. Join hosts Huntington & Hutt for this monthly night at The Sparrowhawk Pub 2 Westow Hill, SE19 1RX. 8pm, Free Entry. Upcoming dates Friday 10 April, 8 May For full info on upcoming dates, including line ups, please visit: facebook.com/Huntingtonandhutt It’s gonna be evolutionary.

From 1 April The first major exhibition to survey watercolours by celebrated British artist Eric Ravilious (1903-42). Well known for his iconic work for Wedgwood, Ravilious is widely considered one of the key figures in mid-20th century British design but he was also one of the finest watercolourists of the century. Although he died at the age of only 39, Ravilious was largely responsible for the revival of English watercolour painting. Open 10am - 5pm Tuesday - Friday 11am - 5pm at Weekends Price £12.50 Adult, £11.50 Senior Citizens, £7.50 Concessions, FREE Children and Members

GALLERY FILM

HORNIMAN MUSEUM

DULWICH PICTURE GALLERY

PLANTASTIC

Bar opens at 7.00pm, film screens at 7.30pm Price £9, £7 Friends 13 April 2015 The Graduate Cert PG/105 mins Dir Mike Nichols with Anne Bancroft, Dustin Hoffman and Katharine Ross Benjamin Braddock (Hoffman) has finished college, is back with his parents and trying to avoid the major question: What are you going to do with your life? An unexpected diversion crops up when he is seduced by Mrs. Robinson (Bancroft), a bored housewife and friend of his parents. But what begins as fun turns complicated when Benjamin falls for the one woman Mrs. Robinson demands he stay away from, her daughter, Elaine (Ross). It became the top-grossing film of 1968 (made on a budget of $3m it took $105m at the box office), and was nominated for seven Oscars, including Best Picture, Actor and Actress, with Nichols winning Best Director. It stands as a landmark hit, and one of the most influential films of the 60s. Includes a complimentary glass of wine, snacks and film notes

Until Sunday 1 November Explore the wonderful world of plants on a massive scale. From giant seeds and exploding cucumbers to sun-seeking flowers and a huge crawl-through root system, Plantastic’s interactive exhibits and games will bring visitors up close to all kinds of fantastic plant life revealing how plants are essential for life on Earth. Tickets: £3.85 Child, £7.15 Adult, £18.15 Family (prices include 10% voluntary Gift Aid donation). Free for Horniman Members.

PLANTASTIC GARDENS DISPLAYS

Saturday 30 May to Sunday 1 November Our family-friendly Plantastic exhibition will be accompanied, from late May onwards, by three specially designed and themed displays in the Horniman’s spectacular Gardens. The displays include a mass planting of sunflowers, a floral picture of the anatomy of a flower created from more than 3,000 bedding plants, and a beautiful border themed around plants that attract pollinating insects. Free

TAXIDERMY IS DEAD (LONG LIVE TAXIDERMY)

Until Sunday 7 June Artist Polly Morgan is at the forefront of the taxidermy renaissance. This temporary display of new and recent work shows how taxidermy is not a ‘dying art’, but an evolving art form. Free

REVISITING ROMANIA: DRESS AND IDENTITY

Until 6 September 2015 This exhibition showcases elaborately decorated textiles, costumes and artefacts to explore how Romanian folk art has been used to express social and political ideas in the village and on the national and international stage. Free

What’s on HORNIMAN MUSEUM EASTER HOLIDAYS

Monday 30 March to Friday 10 April Bring your family to the Horniman in the Easter Holidays and join us for fabulous craft activities, take part in traditional Easter egg rolling, have a go at printing with plants, try your hand at pond dipping or minibeast hunting, touch real objects from around the world, and many more fun family activities run by us and local community groups. Please see horniman. ac.uk for full details. Highlights include:

BIG WEDNESDAYS: CHIRPY CHICKENS!

Wednesday 1 April, 11am - 3.30pm Join us for a day of activities all about our chickens. Find out all about the chickens and their friends in our animal walk, touch some chicken taxidermy, eggs and other objects and take part in traditional Easter egg rolling! Free

BIG WEDNESDAYS: PLANTASTIC

Wednesday 8 April, 11am - 3.30pm Join us for a day of activities inspired by plants. Dance like a flower, make a natural botanical flower print and see our mini-beast home being re-built and lots more. Free

FAMILY ART FUN: EASTER

Monday 30 March to Friday 10 April, 11am - 2.45pm Free and fabulous craft activities inspired by springtime and Easter. Different activities each day include Easter Bunny Messengers, Pecking Hens, Bee Headdresses and Leafy Plant Masks. See horniman.ac.uk for full details. Free

DISCOVERY FOR ALL

Monday, Tuesdays and Fridays, 30 March to 10 April, 2-3.30pm Drop in to our Hands On Base to explore thousands for real objects from around the world. Free

EASTER FAIR

Sat 4 & Sun 5 April, 10.30am - 4.30pm Hop around the Gardens with the Horniman Bunny, go on an Easter Egg trail, take part in craft activities, discover what’s in our arts and crafts market, visit our Farmers’ Market for seasonal produce (Saturday only), and enjoy food and drink, and more. Free entry

SOUTH LONDON THEATRE southlondontheatre.co.uk

THE NIGHT SEASON

by Rebecca Lenkiewicz Tuesday 7 April to Saturday 11 April Bell Theatre Funny, rude and moving with plentiful Irish charm, the play wears its literary references lightly but has echoes of Yeats and Chekhov with a dash of Shakespeare and references to Fred Astaire and Marlene Dietrich, too.

SLT PRESENTS ... APRIL FOOLS

A three-night comedy and cabaret festival (shows may contain adult material). Thursday 23 April to Saturday 25 April Prompt Corner at 8pm Thursday 23 April Kerry Godliman, Star of Ricky Gervais’ C4 show Derek, headlines Friday 24 April Pappy’s, stars of BBC sitcom Badults, headline Saturday 25 April Angela Barnes, BBC New Comedy Awards 2011 winner, as seen on TV’s Stand Up for the Week, headlines £8 members, £10 non-members. Special offer for all three nights: £16 members, £20 non-members. All proceeds go to the theatre’s restoration fund. Contact Jennifer Palmer Violet for more info at jenniferpalmerviolet@gmail.com

MACBETH

by William Shakespeare Tuesday 5 May to Saturday 9 May Bell Theatre at 8pm Macbeth is one of Shakespeare’s most haunting plays, the original Game of Thrones it is a story of a good man who is beguiled by a prophecy promising power. It is a profound tragedy of hero who is twisted by ambition becomes slowly unpicked psychologically and morally as the story unfolds in a half-light world of witchcraft and phantoms.

THE PRIDE

by Alexi Kaye Campbell Tuesday 19 May to Saturday 23 May 2015 Prompt Corner at 8pm The Pride by Alexi Kaye Campbell tells the emotional story of two parallel love affairs. It looks at attitudes to homosexuality through alternating scenes from the repressive 1950s and the more tolerant, but still not perfect, present day. 63

Many Mistresses

OUT FOR A STROLL

by Pip Irkin-Hall

My Concubine glides lazily toward me, fag in hand. She attempts to tempt me daily with a boozy demand.

My kept woman serves up greasy bacon topped with eggs. ‘It makes me happy - eat some more’ she stands over me and begs. My Lady props herself up at the bar, her round again. ‘One for the road?’ she says and I agree, why stop then? My procrastinating Paramour wants whatever’s on TV. Celebrity based reality, yeah, whatever....time is free. My lover grins and leans in close to offer me a light. ‘Do that boring thing tomorrow, just relax, have fun tonight’. I say ‘Yes Mistress’, as we both know she’s always right. @ ECONOMYCUSTARD | ECONOMYCUSTARD.CO.UK 64