The Transmitter Issue 38 by Transmission Publications Ltd

A SOUTH EAST LONDON MAGAZINE www.thetransmitter.co.uk

ISSUE 38

WINTER 2015

12 Golden the

Tickets Christmas

Festive

horoscope from

Mystic Mike

guysget

ready it’s shopping time PICTURES

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WRITING

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DESIGN

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EDITING

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ADVERTISING

aving a sense of community involves all kinds of things but, for sure, one thing that matters to people in London 'villages' are the local shops. Diverse independent retail is a feature that will bring people to an area and make them want to stay. But it is a two way deal - if people don't support the local shops, they go to the wall. Of course, any London shops in the wrong location selling goods no-one really wants are going to struggle - but let's put a few quid into the tills of places where their only crime is not being Amaz*n and make our local village an even nicer place to be around this Christmas. Transmitter thanks go out to 12 of the aforementioned indie businesses in particular, who didn’t take that much persuading to support our Golden Ticket nonsense this year. Here they are, in no particular alphabetical order: Alexandra Nurseries A fantastic mix of horticulture, food, drink and music - Penge was blessed that day Alex Nurseries landed. If you haven't visited yet, GO! With or without a Golden Ticket! Blue Door Bicycles Knowledgeable, well-stocked and friendly. Could there be a better bike shop on earth? We doubt it. Bookseller Crow The beating high-brow heart of Crystal Palace Triangle. Literary festivals, groovy music nights ... oh, and books. Brett & Bailey We can only imagine what a £50 cake from these guys will be like. Dreamy heaven is our best guess. D Solo's Whoever wins this ticket is going to be looking pretty bloody fly at the work do (see page 24). Eastern Cuisine A superb award-winning restaurant and just officially announced as the Best Takeaway in South London (see page 8). Four Hundred Rabbits A newcomer to our shores, their properlypopular pizza and beer combo has taken CP Triangle by storm. Good Taste Food and Drink Crystal Palacians still celebrate GTFD Day each year, marking the day the finest cheese, charcuterie, wine and beer landed in the high street. Joanna's There are many, many restaurants in Crystal Palace. There is only one Joanna's. Smash Bang Wallop Our very own Liberty-esque South London mini department store has all the loveliness you’re looking for. Simon Carter He loved Crystal Palace so much, he bought it. Well, he opened up one of his charmingly British menswear stores here anyway. Vintagehart Tiny? Yes. Gorgeous? Yes. Unique? Yes! Bespoke millinery, midcentury homewares & the cutest baby frocks you'll ever see.

Happy Christmas

Transmitter 38

Disclaimer The views expressed by contributors are theirs alone and do not necessarily reflect this magazine’s editorial policy or the views of any employee of Transmission Publications. So there.

Editor Andy Pontin Sub-Editor Annette Prosser Designer Simon Sharville Photographers James Balston, Emir Hasham, Marta Polanska Hawrylow, Louise Haywood-Schiefer, Jackie King, Nik Strangelove Contributors Justine Crow, Mike Fairbrass, Louise Heywood, Jonathan Main, Howard Male, Charlotte Raynsford, Melanie Reeve, Holly June Smith, Michael Wagg, Sue Williams Printed by Cantate Communications Published by Transmission Publications, PO Box 53556, London SE19 2TL, thetransmitter.co.uk editor@thetransmitter.co.uk @thetransmitter Cover photo Emir Hasham

Winter 3

Are you a WINNER?

Terms & Conditions The Golden Ticket (The Prize) is redeemable at the NAMED participating establishment ONLY for goods and services up to the value of £50. The prize is non-exchangeable and is not redeemable for cash or other prizes. To redeem your Golden Ticket, present it at the named establishment before end Friday 18 December. After this date tickets will be INVALID. The full value of the ticket must be redeemed against goods and services on a SINGLE VISIT, no surplus credit will be given for any unused ‘underspend’. Transmission Publications Limited (TPL) accepts no responsibility for any costs associated with the prize and not specifically included in the prize (including travel to and from the establishment). TPL accepts no responsibility for any damage, loss, liabilities, injury or disappointment incurred or suffered by you as a result of accepting or redeeming the prize. TPL accepts no responsibility for the quality of the goods or services offered by the participating organisations, any complaint or dissatisfaction should be raised directly with the establishment in question. Full Disclaimer at www.thetransmitter.co.uk

Alexandra Nurseries

D-Soloâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s

Last year you were all pretty useless and found only TWO Golden Tickets, so this time TRY HARDER, OK? There are TWELVE golden tickets (there really are) nestling amongst the pages of the thousands of Transmitters circulating in SE London. Flick through this issue youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re reading RIGHT NOW! Go on! And see if you are soon to be the lucky recipient of lovely things from one of the particularly generous Crystal Palace businesses listed right. Find a GOLDEN TICKET, hang on to it damn tight, then go claim your goodies! 5

News & Events

Photo: Mark Blundell

Photo by Marta Polanska Hawrylow

The happened and the happening

A GRAND GALA

Long-term Crystal Palace shop owner Dennis Brown of D Solo’s was overwhelmed with the response his gala event in aid of Endometriosis UK received at the end of October, saying it was ‘a magical evening’. The black-tie spectacular, which included performances from Michelle John, Omar Lye-Fook (above) and the fabulous Vince Dunn Orchestra, raised over £4500 for the charity, one which is often overlooked despite the condition affecting 10% of women in the UK. Superb vocals filled the auditorium with a wide range of music and actress Nicola Stapleton proved to be the hostess with the mostess as she compered the evening’s extravaganza. ‘I’d like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart,’ said Dennis. ‘We need to raise awareness about this debilitating condition, spoken about so movingly and powerfully by Young Ambassador Alice Smith at the gala. I’m just so pleased to be able to make a contribution to the fantastic work Endometriosis UK are doing.’ endometriosis-uk.org 6

SUBBING THE SUBWAY

23 December 2015 is the 150th anniversary of the opening of the stunning vaulted subway which linked the High Level Station and Paxton’s palace, and events are afoot to celebrate this wonderful occasion. The Friends of Crystal Palace Subway are holding a quiz at Westow House on Wednesday 2 December: all questions will appropriately appertain to SE19 and its five London boroughs. Radio 4’s Susan Rae will be the perfect quizmistress and a tour of the subway a perfect top prize: don’t miss it! A brilliant 30k has so far been raised for the campaign to get the subway open, but more is most definitely needed. So, if the subway has inspired you, do donate if you can. Shops & caffs throughout the Triangle have collection boxes, or you can visit their website. cpsubway.org.uk

WINNERS TAKE IT AWAY The extremely popular Gipsy Hill takeaway Eastern Cuisine likes to call itself a destination restaurant because its food tastes good wherever its destination. In late October that destination was the Houses of Parliament as the team had been selected as finalists out of 121 nominees for the Tiffin Cup, an annual competition run by the Tiffin Club to find the best South Asian restaurant in the UK. MP Helen Hayes put forward the initial nomination, a secret diner came to visit and Eastern Cuisine were then selected as one of 13 restaurants asked to present a dish to a parliamentarian panel of judges. A measly 3 points prevented them walking home with the top prize, which just goes to prove that it isn’t all downhill down the hill. Let’s face it, beating all other London nominees is pretty darn impressive. As if that wasn’t enough of a success story, just weeks later Eastern Cuisine WON the Best Takeaway in South London at the British Takeaway Awards, one of only two Indian restaurants in the whole country to win a category award. Yep, we know what you’re thinking and the answer is: yes, they do deliver. Download their app for 10% off and take your own booze if you decide to eat in instead. Talking about winners … oh sorry, we can’t actually tell you, as Time Out’s Love London Awards winners are (frankly, quite irritatingly) being announced in that twilight zone between the magazine leaving our hands and

DOUBLEDECKERS

We Londoners all love a Routemaster and it was great to see these iconic buses celebrated in the winning photograph of Sydenham High School’s photography competition London Through the Ages. The image features two Routemasters – the old and the new – passing each other in the street and was taken by 15-year-old pupil Olivia Bertie. International photographer Emile Holba, the competition judge, 8

Eastern Cuisine chef Fazlur Rahman

arriving in yours. By the time you’re reading this, you’ll be able to log on to twitter to find out if Joanna’s, Boyce da Roca, Do South, Friends of Flavours, Good Taste Food & Drink, White Hart, Beer Rebellion, Brown & Green or Vintagehart got to go to the swanky winners ceremony. The sheer delight of our very own mini Liberty, Smash Bang Wallop, has also been recognised recently as the Crystal Palace homeware store beat off stiff competition to be selected as a finalist in the Independent Retailer of the Year category of the Croydon Business Excellence Awards. Ironically, the deserving winner, who pipped SBW-owner Liz Clamp at the post, was gaming retail venture Go2Games.com run by an entrepreneurial young man, Craig Constantinides, who – until fairly recently – was pulling pints at the White Hart, Crystal Palace. Admit it Croydon, SE19 is where you find all the talent. Eastern Cuisine 138 Gipsy Hill SE19 1PW

described the picture as having ‘London written all over it’ and praised Olivia for her technical skills and the image’s ‘immediate impact’. Olivia is no stranger to taking winning photos. In February she won the top prize in the National Geographic Junior Magazine’s national and international competition ‘weird but true’ category with a photo of two cheeky chimps eating apples at Edinburgh zoo.

Trading Places

Photo: James Balston

Coffee, cafe, coffee, cafe (repeat)

WINE O’CLOCK

Forget the traditions of the red and green combo this December, the new Brown & Green is where you’ll want to be on 10 December as they host their first evening live music event, foreshadowing regular music evenings to be hosted on Thursday evenings in the new year. B&G5 is the first time Jess & Laura have branched out into the murky world of alcohol, something they are pretty excited about. In addition to the demon drink now being available, evening menus will be different to daytime, and there will be wine-tasting evenings and a Friday afternoon wine club too. So basically, wine, wine & more wine. By the way, if you’re looking for a party venue, the space is available for private hire meanwhile local artists should pop in asap if they fancy seeing their artwork adorning the walls. brownandgreencafe.com

MORE COFFEE STANLEY?

If you’ve been enjoying a cheeky Volcano Coffee at Coffee Craft, the pop-up cafe which has been running at Stanley Halls in South Norwood for the last couple of months, you’re in luck as they have been asked to stay on for at least another year. If you like a brew rather than the bean, they serve Birchall teas too plus homemade brunch & baked goods. Offering a friendly place to socialise is key, hence their weekly Friday group Bumps & Babies (run by NCT Croydon) along with yoga and pottery classes (no, not at the same time), and a new season of Crafternoon Teas is imminent. Eat cake, learn a new craft: perfect! Check the website for all details including opening times and prices. A big Triangle welcome too to Roasted Bean in Westow Street: pop in to see Omar for a quiet brew and a cecina, manchego and rocket sandwich amidst the festive bustle. coffeecraftlondon.co.uk facebook.com/roastedbean

Trading Places

CAFÉ CHIC

Iman & Nas are the proud owners of a new family-run Persian cafe on Anerley Hill. Initially they are opening 7 days a week from 7am to 6pm while they gauge demand for their range of sandwiches, wraps, salads and other tasty Persian delights. Team Transmitter tried a fennel, chicken, pomegranate and mint salad and are planning another Persian excursion very soon on the strength of its utter deliciousness.

KNOWLES HEAR THIS!

The big booze nooze is the opening of the new Antic pub Knowles of Norwood in West Norwood. Expect full-on gentrificated public houseness with a spacious open bar and a cosy seating and dining area where real ale lovers can slurp handpicked brews from London microbreweries and mainline favourites while mulling over a seasonal modern British menu. In the spring we are promised a conservatory and familyfriendly garden. See you in there! Knowles of Norwood 294-296 Norwood Road West Norwood SE27 9AF knowlesofnorwood.com @NorwoodKnowles

MARKET FORCES

At a time when the threat of homogeneity looms large on our high streets, it’s good to know that Crystal Palace is home to a good old-fashioned market, a weekend visit to which can yield untold treasures. The two floors of Haynes Lane Market, chocca with eclectic collectables, has been going for an amazing 17 years. ‘Have you tried Haynes Lane?’ is something regularly overheard on the Triangle and whatever you’re looking for, from everyday essentials to the downright bizarre, it’s always worth a look. In fact from antiques, books, clocks, doorknobs and ephemera to umbrellas, vinyl & watering cans (you get the gist) they’ve got it covered. Open Friday, Saturday & Sundays from 11. At the bottom of Haynes Lane it’s Christmas at the Crystal Palace Food Market (above) all through December. Whatever delights you need for the season will be available to buy or order – including turkeys, fish, puddings, hams, preserves & cheeses – on all three Saturdays before the 25th. On 5 and 12 December ceramicist Beth Mander will be running craft events to encourage children to make their own gifts this year, and there’ll be plenty of present ideas at the Handmade Palace stall too. Listen out for the odd choir getting in the spirit and you may even happen upon some dance too. On 12 December Patsy Mason will be presenting one of the market’s Cooking on a Budget series, funded by Croydon Council. Orders placed with the market’s suppliers specifically for your Christmas Day and Boxing Day tables will be available for collection from Tudor Road on Christmas Eve, between 12-2pm. All details available at the stalls. crystalpalacefoodmarket.co.uk CPFoodMarket

THE LITTLE BELLE OF SOUTH LONDON

Charlotte Raynsford visits a vintage beautician who has taken her boutique spa back to the past here comes a time in every woman’s week, month (or year!) when some beautifying is required. Even though I am the sort of person who tends to flit between the beauty parlours kind enough to fit me in at the last minute, I do like to try to choose from those that have been personally recommended. Last week, I decided to go by a friend’s raving review of a mysterious ‘vintage matron’ at a little beauty parlour called La Belle Jolie in Anerley. It was time to try out this time-travelling beautician. Wandering into the spa from a busy, after-school high street was to be the first of many nice surprises. Shutting the door and moving away from the noise of the road, I was immediately met with the peaceful sound of some early century jazz. The soft, dulcet tones of a long-lost singer floated out of a small 1930s radio which sat on a 1940s dressing table complete with feminine

trinkets and perfume bottles. I was offered a hot drink from a range that were listed on a small menu next to me and, within a few minutes, met by a lady in a white uniform and victory roll curls who introduced herself as Renée. She was the therapist who would be looking after me and – it turns out – the owner of the joint. My treatment took place in a tastefully decorated treatment room complete with heavy, velvet curtains, a huge spiralled, gold mirror and early century decor. After a short consultation I was left to get changed and sip my freshly brewed tea. How nice, how quaint, how ladylike I felt! Renée used hot wax and was surprisingly gentle during my usual treatment (which can often be uncomfortable). Chatting to me throughout, she told me about her past working in – and eventually running – a high end spa in London. She explained that here, at her

own place on the high street, she is aiming to provide a luxurious experience to her clients. With extensive beauty and masseuse training, Renée definitely seems a woman on a mission to make sure that her customers receive a little luxury as well as an excellent standard of care when they come to see her. If you hadn’t already guessed, I was totally sold. For just a little more than the usual high street beauty prices, I felt like I had taken a small bite of luxury during my half an hour with Renée. The atmosphere of La Belle Jolie may gently echo the past but the service I received was without doubt from the golden era of beauty treatment.

Photos by James Balston

jamesbalston.com

La Belle Jolie 35 Anerley Road, London SE19 2AS labellejolie.com 15

Photos by James Balston jamesbalston.com

BACKSTAGE

A great hair salon is a joy to find says Annette from Vintagehart t was in Bookseller Crow that we first met. Our conversation (about hair, obvs) didn’t exactly include Jonathan (caught in the middle, his stance was – frankly – a bit rabbit-in-theheadlights) but I feel grateful to him nevertheless: his role as host that day was a prescient one. Ever since that day, my locks have been chopped, coloured and changed by Heather Morris, hair stylist extraordinaire and owner of Backstage. As a teenager, Heather was not only making clothes and doing make-up for her friends, she was also cutting their hair. ‘At 15 I just loved that whole creative

process’, she tells me at my last appointment, as she scissors my crop with swift but seemingly scientific precision. So off to hairdressing college she went where her course included ‘an absolutely fascinating’ module about wig-making. Those creativity buttons were pressed still further and a natural born wigmaker emerged blinking into the light. Two successful businesses followed, the first in St John’s Wood, the second in the aptly-named Wigmore Street, W1, as part of a trichology clinic. It was here where Heather fine-tuned her skills, becoming an industry expert in creating made-to-measure, natural-

GETTING WIGGY WITH IT Heather’s discreet and down-to-earth approach to finding the right solution for anyone who feels they need help with their hair – whether due to illness or age-related hair thinning and loss – couldn’t be more relaxed. After an initial consultation in a private room, Heather provides an honest assessment after which she will work with the client to find or design just the right hair piece or wig. A ready-made wig can be available in a couple of days, or, for made-tomeasure, the entire bespoke process usually takes around 8-12 weeks from consultation to finished product and costs between £350-£1500.

hair wigs from original design to fitting and styling: nearly 30 years later Heather has over 100 clients (an even split between men and women). In the Noughties, a shorter commute beckoned and Heather began to look closer to home for a new business location. Living in West Norwood, she knew Crystal Palace well and was thrilled to find a prime spot right opposite Sainsbury’s. She and late husband Sam opened up fortyseven in the autumn of 2008. ‘I knew then I wanted it to be different,’ Heather remembers. ‘As soon as I saw the space I could just imagine mannequins in the window and knew it would be more than a hair salon.

This was going to be the shop I’d always wanted: hair, wigs, clothes, make-up – the lot!’ As anyone who knows Heather will testify: her enthusiasm is boundless. And what Heather wanted, Heather got. Since October 2015 it’s bigger and better than before. Relaunched with a new name – Backstage – the shop feels even more like the special space she has always intended to create: ‘somewhere people can just relax and enjoy themselves’. With the cast-iron team of Tatiana, Hannah, Julia, Megan and Beth around her, customers can rejoice in new hair (often adding a few new techniques to their styling repertoire), update 17

their make-up bag AND find something to add to their wardrobe all in one visit. Devotees of ghd hair equipment will be pleased to see their acclaimed range of straighteners, dryers and brushes are available to buy, along with products by gorgeous Italian brand milk_ shake: try it, your hair will never have smelt so good. Crystal Palace enjoys a bit of quirk of course, and a hair salon where you can also buy a new Friday night outfit ticks that box. Stock is ‘fashion forward’ says Heather, and you’ll often find one-off statement pieces next to the constantly-changing contemporary choices on the rails. Accessories are just as important – it’s that ‘whole package’ thing again – so jewellery, bags & scarves abound. I’m finishing my mug of tea, the pink is vibrant and my cut is coming to a close: as always my hair feels like it’s been on its very own 3-day spa visit (even more so amid Backstage’s new pared back, simple décor). The music has been mellow, the surroundings sleek and the chat anything but holiday-related …

Backstage 47 Westow Street London SE19 3RW 020 8771 7170 backstage47.co.uk @backstageat47 18

Are you ready yet? No? Holly has a plan ...

CHRISTMAS

PALACE Holly June Smith has set herself a challenge this Christmas, and she’s asking you

to join her. Here she tells The Transmitter what it’s all about

I love our local shops and I want to encourage people to use them more. We’re so lucky to have so many – loads of brilliant shops & independent businesses right on our doorstep! But I know that at Christmas people often turn to the high street or the internet for easy shopping (and often the same-old, same-old dull gifts). Boo to those boring gifts! So this year I have set myself a challenge and hope you’ll join me. It’s a pledge to buy 5, 10 or even ALL of your Christmas presents right here in Crystal Palace. There’s a facebook page (set up in October) where you can publicly pledge and already people are posting their gift buys so far (the organised ones!) and giving tips on what & where to buy. It doesn’t have to be a slog, it’s simple: let’s stay local and support all those places we love.

If you’d like to join in, look for Holly’s Crystal Palace Shop Local Christmas Challenge on facebook and get pledging! @hollyjunesmith

FREE BEER? There’s a treat in store for seasonal shoppers on the first Saturday in December as Crystal Palace joins in with the nationwide (nay, global) 1-day event which is #SmallBizSatUK.

The Triangle is fiercely proud of its independent traders, who provide an antidote to the increasingly identikit high streets found all over London. On

Saturday 5 December

loads of our indie businesses are buddying up so you can not only zip through that gift list as quick as Santa down the chimney, but be rewarded with a FREE beer, coffee or treat as a delicious THANKYOU too. Each buddied-up team has got together to make their own rules: but spend a given amount in a participating SHOPBUDDY and you’ll get something FREE (& no doubt delicious) at their TREATBUDDY cafe, pub or restaurant to make your xmas shopping adventure just that bit more enjoyable. Look out for posters, and check in with your favourite shop for more info! Check out facebook page CRYSTAL PALACE BUDDY UP for the latest updates PS : don’t forget to post all those perfect purchases & well-earned treats on social media throughout the day using hashtags #SmallBizSatUK and #crystalpalacebuddyup

Treatbuddies

White Hart Blackbird Bakery Yogusensi Brown&Green The Alma Living Water Satisfies Westow House La Bruschetta Comfort & Joy Alistairs 400 Rabbits Roasted Bean The Sparrowhawk + more more more

Shopbuddies

Smash Bang Wallop Brave Girl Gifts Vintagehart The DO South Shop Good Taste Food & Drink Flaming Nora Papagaio Violet Betty Blue Door Bikes Bookseller Crow Glitter & Twisted Josephines Coconut Trading + more more more

Holly’s Christmas picks Smash Bang Wallop Brie Baker £16.99 Brie Brûlé £4.50

Smash Bang Wallop Crystal Palace teatowel £10

Glitter and Twisted Superman espresso set £16.50

Papagaio The Bonnie Mob reversible jacket £30

South of the River Large reversible acrylic scarf £20

Brave Girl Gifts Purses £12.99

Josephine’s Zipped clutch bag £29 Blue Door Bikes Harris Tweed bag from £28

Papagaio Coffee machine by Le Toy Van £24.95

Smash Bang Wallop Natural Wax Candle Set £14.50

Blue Door Bikes Bell £5.49

The DO South Shop Bombata Laptop case from £46

Bookseller Crow Shortstack recipe books £8.99 each

Smash Bang Wallop Willie’s chocolate bars £1.95

Josephine’s Tile coasters £4.50 Smash Bang Wallop Scarf £75.50

Man Makeover Three locals, three shops, three looks

Photos by Marta Polanska Hawrylow myphotopie.com

D Soloâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s 23 Church Rd LONDON SE19 2TE dsoloclothing.com 24

Recently refurbished, D Solo’s stocks quality men’s and ladies' fashion including ellesse, fila vintage, j Shoes, Eleven Paris and Parka London. Drew from SE19 building company On Site Design & Build, accompanied by his dog Sid, swaps workwear shorts for something less casual.

Pure wool check suit (£325) White shirt (£59.95) Brown mac (£235) (all by Bertoni) Black loafers (£120) by Bass Weejuns

Replay denim shirt (£89.95) Edwin Jeans (£85) Redwing leather boots (£245)

Limited edition Jeans 901 (£135) Olive green lapel parka (£265) and hat (£40) (all by Replay) Boots as before

Crazy Man Crazy owner Paul has vintage in his

soul. His encyclopaedic knowledge of 40s & 50s brands makes the shop a destination for seekers of ‘true vintage’ from far and wide. We gave local lad James, who normally sports a ‘smart classic’ look, a Western makeover.

Photos by Emir Hasham emirhasham.com

Vintage horsehide engineer boots by Peters (£145) Chinos by Geronimo (£65) Belt by Bam-Balam (£60) Levi LVC sawtooth denim shirt (£85) Vintage Trego’s Westwear suede jacket (£120) Vintage bandana (£10) Vintage Stetson by Open Road (£120)

Crazy Man Crazy 18a Church Rd LONDON SE19 2TE crazymancrazylondon.co.uk

International brand Simon Carter’s Crystal Palace store is an Aladdin’s cave of cool menswear design. We thought Manish from nearby Good Taste Food & Drink could do with a rub on the lamp

Simon Carter 71 Westow St LONDON SE19 3RW simoncarter.net

Photos by Louise Haywood-Schiefer lhschiefer.com

Blue puffa jacket (£225) Graduated herringbone wool scarf (£65)

Navy print velvet jacket (£450) Liberty Paisley print shirt (£130) Orange lambswool sweater (£90) Watches from £100

Photos by Jackie King jackieking.com

A Transmitter

TRANSFORMATION There’s nothing make-up artist Louise Heywood likes better than showing how to achieve that ‘me, but on a good day’ version of yourself every day

athilde Theill, 37, is the co-owner of Training Points Fitness & Therapy. Originally from Denmark she now lives in Crystal Palace with her husband and 3-year-old daughter. Feeling stuck in a make-up rut, Mathilde wanted to know how to define her eyes without looking too made up. Mathilde looks great in her BEFORE shot with her usual tinted moisturiser and mascara, but I was keen to show her how to enhance her gorgeous blue eyes in a subtle way that could work for day or night. She has great skin so I used a liquid foundation only on the centre of her face (to reduce redness) and concealer under the eyes. Using a soft taupe shadow I slightly thickened and straightened Mathilde’s eyebrows: this diminishes the over-arched shape caused by plucking. I lined the top lashline of her eyes with a brown gel liner and then smudged it with a smudging brush, making sure to get right into the roots of the lashes as Mathilde’s lashes are quite fair. To complement her fair and warm colouring, I chose an 36

eyeshadow palette with a bit of shimmer in light shades of cream, bronze and warm grey which enliven and softly define her pale blue eyes. After sweeping a wash of the cream colour all over the lid I applied the bronze shade over the top, stopping just above the socket line in order to create depth, then finished with the grey on the outer corners of the lashline, top and bottom. Lastly I curled her lashes and applied black mascara. To keep the glow on Mathilde’s cheeks I chose a coral cream blush and applied a similar shade to her lips to give a subtle hint of colour. To finish everything off I used a bronzer (these are great for bringing a look together), using one only very slightly warmer than her skin tone, applying it to her hairline, temples, cheeks and centre of the neck . For a more dramatic look for the evening Mathilde can use exactly the same make-up but add more of the grey and/or bronze eyeshadow from the palette around her lashline, top and bottom and a little more blush. As a result, Mathilde still looks herself – just on a good day … (or night!)

The Verdict I really like the way my eyes light up with the shades Louise chose and the eyelash curlers are definitely going on the Christmas list!’ says Mathilde. ‘I will also be buying the lipstick as it’s one of my favourite colours. I probably do a natural make-up a little too often compared to before having my daughter so I’m really pleased to have some inspiration.

The Products Bobbi Brown Skin Foundation Bobbi Brown Corrector and Concealer MAC Pro Longwear Paint Pot (in Painterly) Maybelline Eye Studio Lasting Drama Gel Liner (in Brown 02) L’Oreal Color Riche Quad Eyeshadow (in Beige Trench) Armani Eyes to Kill waterproof mascara Shu Uemura eyelash curlers Bobbi Brown Brow Kit (in Cement/Birch) Stila Convertible Color Dual Lip & Cheek Cream (in Gerbera) Bobbi Brown Rich Lip Color (in Soft Coral) Charlotte Tilbury Airbrush Flawless Finish Skin Perfecting Micro-Powder AERIN Pretty Bronze Illuminating Powder

Training Points Fitness & Therapy trainingpoints.co.uk Louise Heywood provides one-to-one and group make-up lessons and bridal make-up in Crystal Palace louiseheywood.com 37

A PINT WITH ... Max Porter Michael Wagg meets a writer whose first novel is a playfully experimental - if honest - exploration of grief with family at its heart Photos by Nik Strangelove nikstrangelove.com

very now and then a new book comes along and whacks you over the head, so to speak, with its brilliance. Grief is the Thing with Feathers is such a book. And what’s more the author is local. It’s the story of a grieving family, a father and two young sons coming to terms with the sudden loss of their wife and mother. The dad is an academic writing a book about Ted Hughes’ Crow. One night the doorbell rings, dad answers it and a crow enters, knocking dad to the floor. The crow says he will stay for as long as the family needs him. He’s a trickster, provocateur, carer, counsellor, nuisance, an imaginary friend, a real friend, a crow. It’s playful and serious, seriously funny and very moving. It’s an astonishing first book. I met Max Porter a few days after he’d appeared alongside Peckham’s Evie Wyld at a fantastic night, fittingly, at the Bookseller Crow’s Crow Lit Fest. I arrived at The Paxton to find him in the garden already tucking into a pint of Captain’s Brew from the London Beer Factory round the corner, and a bit frazzled from a trip to the Frankfurt Book Fair where foreign rights to the book are selling fast. Closer to home I hoped his book might have been made on these very streets. ‘Yes, absolutely, 100%. I sometimes write in Volcano Coffee Works, Parkhall. But other than that I didn’t want it to have anything to do with my day job [as an editor at Granta Books] so I had a routine where I cleared all my work stuff off my desk at home and didn’t have any internet connection. I would bath the children, feed the children, put them in bed, spend time with my wife … she got into Orange is the New Black, which had what seemed like unlimited episodes, so I had these nights where she was watching that and I was doing this.’ Max lives with his wife Jess and three young sons between West Norwood and West Dulwich and has been attracted to these parts from an early age. ‘I had

a mate who lived in Crystal Palace, and it always felt like a seaside resort. I just feel like I’m on a holiday when I’m here. Maybe it’s the altitude making me giddy!’ The giddiness hasn’t eased and the family are now settled in the area. ‘I like the school my kids are at. I like the green space around here. I love the library in Crystal Palace and the sports centre. It’s very much the perfect place for us. I’ve always felt that Crystal Palace was something of a refuge. It’s a place that regenerates your affection the whole time.’ Grief is the Thing with Feathers refuses to be pigeonholed. It’s many things at once: at times a short novel that feels like a poem, at other times a play for voices. It’s also an essay on grief rooted in deeply personal experience, and a fable. ‘It’s a story about an ordinary bloke who loses his wife. The crow is to each whatever they need him to be at the time. He’s the obsession made manifest but he could have been anything. He could have been Bob Dylan records.’ The book is flighty, scattered across white space, cut-up into short sections, small and perfectly formed. I wondered how it was all put together: ‘It’s assembled from small pieces so I could write a little bit, leave it for a few days, think about it, send myself an email, and so when it came to it, it was just like a collage. And then when it started to sing and I had the three parts I would go back in and turn up the volume on different bits of it.’ The three parts are the alternating voices of ‘dad’, ‘boys’ and ‘crow’ which fade in and out of the story musically, as if sampled. Max talks of his student days living in Brixton, recording sounds on a collection of toy instruments, searching for the perfect beat, and somehow he’s still doing that. ‘It did feel to me like quite a sonic thing when I was writing it, partly because I was listening quite carefully to it and partly because having grown up making mix tapes for people I know that, say, a folk mix tape benefits from some non-folk, 39

to throw the folk into light.’ It’s playfully experimental, I suggest. ‘Each section has its own rules and its own laws and they change and there isn’t any consistency. I don’t believe that experimenting need be at the cost of sentimentality or warmth, or bum jokes or whatever! Not that I want every book to be batshit crazy but I hope that in 100 pages I’ve given people a good amount. I didn’t want anyone’s access to be barred. I hope it’s a simple story.’ It’s a story with family at its heart and Max appears very much the family man. What of his own clan and their life in these parts; what might the Porters get up to close to home? ‘We would go up into Norwood Park, the kids would play on that funny water thing where the water’s always turned off, and hurt themselves!’ And heading up the hill: ‘Places like the Bookseller Crow are “citadels of light that civilise the neighbourhoods they’re in”, that’s John Updike, not me. But I’m very uneasy when I go to a place with no bookshop. I love Jonathan [at the Bookseller Crow]. He’s a big deal in Crystal Palace, a proper old school bookseller.’ So the family are here to stay? ‘When your kids get to school age it absolutely changes London. I now can’t get to the shop without having a chat with someone and that makes a huge difference to me. I ran the ‘hook-a-duck’ stall at the school fete. I had the best few hours of my life.’ There’s an honesty to his story, and now dad to three boys himself, I wondered whether there was any other aspect of self-portrait in the book: ‘In a way it’s a portrait of my bookshelves. I really like the fact that in a day I’ll read some poems on the loo, I’ll read 40

a novel by my bed, I’ll read crap submissions on my kindle on my way to work, I’ll read a picture book to my youngest son and then I might be reading Roald Dahl to my eldest. So in the space of a single day I’ve had all these treats. I wanted that for this book. And also with the exactitude that goes on in essays about grief. This is why I wrote the book really: if you’re going to tell children stories about why someone’s not there anymore, firstly don’t lie to them, secondly make them fabulous stories, give them something to chew on.’ As it makes its way in the world the book is deservedly doing very well: it’s on The Guardian First Book Award and The Goldsmiths Prize lists, and is being translated into numerous languages, including Hebrew. But what’s next for Max Porter? ‘I hope I can do something comparable again in maybe five or ten years but I’m not going to rush it. I won’t start another book until I get that whooshing sense that here’s the right thing. Life is horrible and very, very funny. I hope it’s a bit horrible and a bit funny. Although I keep joking that I’ll do another one and it’ll be exactly the same, but instead of a crow it’ll be Morrissey who moves in with the family!’ On that note it’s ‘one for the road’ before Max’s own family arrives to drag him back down to earth. The eldest boy shows me his best bits of Lego, explaining each piece with passion, precision and warmth. Like father, like son. Grief is the Thing with Feathers by Max Porter is published by Faber & Faber and available at The Bookseller Crow (£10)

With attendance figures expected to reach record levels at the Dulwich Picture Gallery’s exhibition of the Dutchman’s work, Howard Male asks: is Escher really art?

he first thing that needs to be said is that my position isn’t as provocative or controversial as it might seem. Believe it or not, despite the Dutch 20th-century printmaker being much beloved during his heyday by the curious demographic of students, hippies and mathematicians, there’s not a single major gallery in England that has any of his work on display. Does this mean that his work isn’t art? First we need to decide what we mean by art. Brian Eno recently came up with the rather sweet if not terribly practical definition that art is ‘everything we don’t have to do.’ I’m going to go to the opposite extreme by sticking the word ‘fine’ in front of the far

too amorphous and inclusive ‘art’ and thus narrow the focus to Fine Art. Now we know we’re talking about Giotto, Michelangelo, Cezanne, Monet, Van Gogh, Picasso, Warhol and even – God help us – Emin as this isn’t a definition based on personal taste: it’s about more important things that we’ll get to in a moment. Most of these ‘important things’ seem absent from the hundred or so woodcuts, etchings, lithographs and drawings in this exhibition. The first problem lies in the fact that once you ‘get’ an Escher there’s not much else to do but admire his extraordinary technique. And, yes, there’s definitely some pleasure to be derived from seeing the lucidity with which he renders an image of leaves floating on the surface of a lake, the ghostly fish swimming beneath those leaves, and the trees reflected on the lake’s surface. But here’s the irony: while such a work is about the ambiguities of surface, it is hard to see what is beneath the surface of Escher the man. As I walked from image to image in search of the real Escher, all I encountered was a one-dimensional artist making two-dimensional illustrations of impossible three-dimensional worlds. Before I’d had the chance to do so myself, one of my fellow journalists at the Private View tentatively asked the curator if Escher might have been autistic. The curator replied that he had spoken to a psychiatrist friend about this very issue. On the basis of just looking at Escher’s work the psychiatrist had replied: ‘No question of it.’ A condition such as Asperger’s Syndrome would at least begin to explain 44

the obsessive attention to detail and a detachment that pervades every picture in this show. A lot can be learned from what we don’t see in Escher’s work. There is little use of colour and when it does appear it seems arbitrary and muted, simply a way to differentiate one form from another in, say, one of his mosaic-like optical works such as Circle Limit III, 1959. Just about any 19th- or 20th-century fine artist you can think of used colour to express mood or convey atmosphere, from the clashing psychotic reds and greens of Van Gogh’s Night Café to the sombre pulsing of purples and blues in a Rothko abstract. So this absence of colour as a vital means of expression has to be significant. And where is the expressive mark-making that most artists rely on to convey who they are? Line tells us so much about an artist. Line tells us how quickly, nervously, angrily, passionately or impatiently they made their image. Line is the artist’s signature extended to every inch of the canvas or sheet of paper. Line not only delineates the curve of a woman’s breast it also tells us how the artist felt about that woman. But there are no breasts in the work of Escher, sensuously rendered or otherwise. The women in his labyrinthine worlds (such as Relativity, 1953) are no more than blank-faced mannequins destined to forever walk up impossible flights of steps and then down them again, then up them again, and so on. Escher’s line is resolute: it is about nothing other than the cold rendering of his diabolical headache-inducing optical illusions.

Yes, these visual puzzles are in their own way brilliant. Yes, he achieved a facility with his chosen mediums unrivalled by few. But no, he is not a fine artist. Not that my grumpy-old-man nitpicking in this obscure little local magazine will make a jot of difference to how successful this reclusive Dutchman is going to be, all over again. Forty years after his death Escher has finally been invited to the art establishment party. So what’s changed? Well, as the man himself was the first to figure out – there’s gold in them thar etchings. Towards the end of his life Escher grew tired of making his prints. Each was done by hand and the demand for his work kept rising. So in turn he would raise his prices in the hope of putting off buyers. Some hope. His collectors, needless to say, desired his work even more. Mick Jagger famously asked to use of one of his images for an LP cover: he was refused. Back in the 1960s when Escher was at the peak of his popularity with the public (if not the art world) only posters of his prints were available for those students, hippies and mathematicians to put on their walls. But this time around – in this age of consumer choice – a quick peruse of the gallery shop reveals that you can get silk ties, cushions, fridge magnets, coasters and probably an Escher bath sponge if you look hard enough. The Metamorphoses silk scarf is a steal at £75. But what will today’s young folk make of Escher? We now live in a world where there is no shortage of surprising, discombobulating imagery – every sci-fi

movie and TV commercial is swathed in CGI optical cleverness – so it is hard to imagine his monochrome visions having quite the same impact. Type the words ‘fractal animation’ into YouTube’s search engine and you’ll be overwhelmed by supposedly mind-blowing visual journeys into the heart of infinity. There’s an emptiness at the core of these immersive trips into imagined worlds that differs little from the hollowness of Escher’s work. If the man were alive today I suspect he’d be sitting at his laptop fractally animating to his heart’s content. M. C. Escher 14 October 2015 – 17 January 2016 Dulwich Picture Gallery dulwichpicturegallery.org.uk

Xmas Mash Up Aperol Spritzer

An Aperol Spritz was one of my favourite drinks of the summer. I’ve tweaked the recipe to include dry white wine for a fresh citrussy take on the classic recipe (which uses Prosecco). 50ml Aperol + 75ml dry white wine (I used Sauvignon Blanc for a slightly herbaceous edge) + a wedge of orange. Top it up with soda water.

Raspberry & Vanilla Daiquiri

Fancy something a bit more racy than a Sherry this year? Melanie Reeve offers up some alternative drinks ideas for the season

I was recently inspired by a slice of very good Victoria Sponge to create a drink in its honour. I think this comes close to the real thing! Cocktail shaker at the ready … 12 fresh raspberries + 50ml dark rum + 12ml vanilla syrup + fresh lime juice (2 wedges, or to taste). To make the vanilla syrup: heat one part water to one part sugar in a pan. Add one tablespoon pure vanilla extract (or a whole vanilla pod, split open) and remove from heat. Place raspberries in the cocktail shaker and lightly crush before adding a handful of ice cubes. Add the rum, vanilla syrup and squeezed lime wedge (you can throw in the wedge as well). Place top of shaker firmly on and shake away! Strain into a waiting martini glass and enjoy …

Ginger Limoncello

Simple, warming and delicious – makes a great gift too. 8 unwaxed lemons + 2 stalks lemongrass + fresh ginger root (2 large pieces, peeled and sliced) + 700ml Vodka + 250g caster sugar + 350ml water. Using a large jug or bowl, mix together the lemon zest of all the lemons and the juice of two of them, the crushed lemongrass, the root ginger and the Vodka. Put the water and sugar in a saucepan and bring to the boil. Simmer for four minutes then leave to cool. Combine the vodka and syrup, storing the finished mix in a couple of clean bottles (use hot water to sterilise them). Leave for two weeks – shaking the mix occasionally – then simply strain and serve. Melanie Reeve is a local wine educator. Find her on Facebook at Wine Alive 46

Sue Williams is dreaming of a White Christmas

he dark wet days are upon us and the trees are almost bare. Pizzazz is needed to illuminate the grey December landscape and pizzazz is what the Patch is after. There are a couple of real winter dazzlers in the plant world to provide whiteness at Christmas when the usual damp squib of festive weather fails us. It’s so mild this November that the roses are still flowering with impunity and yesterday I even spotted some Johnson’s blue geraniums putting forth with unseasonal vigour. Fortunately a warmish wet end of the year is a perfect time for planting trees and shrubs – so long as the ground is not completely waterlogged and likely to rot new root systems – as it allows plenty of time for a plant to establish before the dry days of summer. There seems to be a taste among the uptown trendsetters for silver birch. The close planted birch outside of the Tate Modern have become part of the streetscape of the South Bank and when they are lit from below after dark they look sensationally eerie. It is this Silver Birch betula alba which is my first Christmas showstopper. The silver birch is a native tree which is very easy to grow and casts very little shade in the summer. As such it suits the smaller London garden and looks effective planted on its own or, for the more dramatic look, in groups. It is not an expensive purchase and can be bought bare-rooted at this time of the year for greater economy. Do not be alarmed, dear reader, if you order a silver birch only to find that the bark is a disappointing rust colour. It can take a few years for the white bark to show through on a young tree. There are many genus of this tree but it is the pure white bark of the Betula utilis (Jacquemontii variety) which can really light up the winter garden. The ghostly white bark of this birch really lends itself to a single stand-alone habit and any whippy stragglers can be pruned from the trunk when the tree is dormant at this time of the year. As the leaves form a light canopy the birch can be successfully under planted. The dark solid forms of topiaried box 48

would look effective for winter interest or mounds of cyclamen in early spring and late autumn. The white stemmed bramble or Rubus cockburnianus is nothing much to write home about during the warmer months. It is a native of South China and was introduced to this country at the beginning of the last century. It has an arching habit with stems reaching up to eight feet in height with light green leaves, small pink flowers and some inedible fruit. Why does this nondescript fellow deserve a place in the garden ? Treated to some severe but judicious pruning this rubus will form clumps of glowing white stems after the leaves have fallen which glow luminously in the low winter light . If left alone this plant will form an informal hedge which would act well as a natural barrier. However if the stems are cut back each March to within about two to three buds from the base the rubus will be encouraged to throw up new growth each year which ensures the stems remain very white. A good spadeful of compost around the base of the plant after pruning is also helpful. No article on Christmas dazzlers would be complete without the wonderfully named Christmas Rose (Lenten rose hellebore). One small problem with this moniker is that they frequently don’t flower until February. Hardly ever in fact. They can be brought on a bit in pots situated in sheltered sunny areas but in the open garden Christmas will come a bit late. That aside they are a magical plant. There are many and varied colours but the pure white saucer flowers of Helleborus x hybridus Harrington White and the pure white but speckled with purple blooms of Helleborus x hybridus White Spotted Lady are two striking plants for the gloom of the winter border. The foliage of the previous year’s flowering is best removed in January to allow the flowers to fully show off. A mulch of good organic compost applied in the autumn is always beneficial.. Happy gardening

Reindeer and beardy woodchopping? It must be Christmas books from Jonathan Main

@BooksellerCrow here have been some very good novels published this year and I have mentioned quite a few of them in these pages – Jami Attenberg’s Saint Mazie (Serpent’s Tail hardback £12.99), Melissa Harrison’s At Hawthorn Time (Bloomsbury hardback £16.99) and Kathleen Alcott’s Infinite Home (Borough press hardback £12.99). Also, not least, one of my favourite books of all time, The End of Vandalism by Tom Drury (Old Street paperback £8.99) which has lately been joined in print by its two loose sequels: Hunts in Dreams (Old Street paperback £12) and Pacific (Old Street paperback £12). Neither of them, if you enjoyed Vandalism, will, in any way, disappoint.

Another novel that is sure to rank highly in those Books of the Year listings (see every newspaper everywhere) is Beatlebone by Kevin Barry (Canongate hardback £12.99). It’s a brilliantly funny fictionalised account of John Lennon visiting the tiny island of Dorinish off the west coast of Ireland in 1978 in an attempt to find some solitude and practise scream therapy. What follows is a tall tale both hilarious and serious as John and his helpmate Cornelius O’Grady conduct a double act that echoes the great double acts of history, Pete and Dud are in there, as are Vladimir and Estragon. Save it for a Boxing Day treat. Speaking of unwrapping presents, it’s not hard to imagine that everybody must have someone 50

in their extended family for whom Norwegian Wood: Chopping, Stacking and Drying Wood the Scandinavian Way by Lars Mytting (Maclehose £20) would be ecstatically received. Consisting of two hundred heavily-illustrated pages (piles of logs, more piles of logs differently arranged, a variety of axes, more logs in a circle drying, a stove, some smoke, a smiling bearded Scandinavian) and prefaced with a poem to the scent of fresh wood, the book is described as: part guide to the best practice in every aspect of working with wood and part meditation on the human instinct for survival. Its authorship, we are told, has made Lars Mytting a household name in his native land, whilst in the UK it is already on its second printing. Wood, differently purposed (ie not set fire to), also takes the starring role in The Man Who Made Things Out of Trees by Robert Penn (Particular Books hardback £16.99). Penn cut down an ash tree and then set out to visit woodworkers across the globe to see how many different things could be made from it: an axe handle (something weirdly cannibal about that if you ask me), a wheel, a hurling stick, a baseball bat, a spoon and an arrow included. See also The Ash Tree by Oliver Rackham, published by the ever-wonderful Little Toller Press (hardback £15) and, for obvious reasons, Cabin Porn (Penguin £20). Whilst no particular fan of the affixing of the word ‘porn’ to all and sundry, this is a rather handsome collection of photographs designed

to provide inspiration for your own quiet place somewhere. Salivation optional. ‘If they’d had Mary Beard on their side back then, the Romans would still have their empire.’ So says the Daily Mail quote on the back of SPQR: A History of Ancient Rome (Profile £20). I have no idea what this means, except perhaps to imply that the author is a positive force of nature, to which her grand (in every sense) book is testament. If you’ve ever wanted to read a book about the Roman Empire, then this is probably the book for you: welcoming (but serious), scholarly (but as readable as a novel). Probably if the Romans had had Patti Smith on their side they would still be playing Glastonbury. Just Kids (Bloomsbury paperback £8.99) from 2010 is one of the shop’s best selling titles of the last few years and in M Train (Bloomsbury hardback £18.99) – a sort of sequel – she hovers around her current life with excursions into various parts of her past. Whilst not as linear in form as her previous book, it is never less than fascinating. Carrie Brownstein is a rock star from a younger generation who, like Smith, possibly also considers herself to be foremost a writer, having co-created the television series Portlandia and now written a memoir of her life as guitarist with the band Sleater-Kinney. Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl (Virago hardback £16.99) is nowhere near as glamorous a rock memoir as Smith’s but it does tell the story of her Riot Grrrl decade with a flat and engaging honesty.

Shel Silverstein, cartoonist, musician, songwriter and the children’s author who wrote The Giving Tree (Penguin hardback £12.99) about the relationship between a tree and a boy that fits perfectly with our earlier theme, first wrote Lafcadio: The Lion Who Shot Back (Pushkin Press £12.99). Here our young lion meets a hapless hunter with no bullets in his gun, eats him, learns to shoot and then travels the world as an international star. A sort of Riot Lionnn, as it were. Meanwhile in A boy Called Christmas (Canongate hardback £9.99) the irrepressible Matt Haig writes of elves, reindeer, kidnapping and magic in the childhood adventures of the boy called Nikolas Christmas who will later become know as Father. Beautifully illustrated by Chris Mould. Finally in A Great Big Cuddle (Walker hardback £14.99) a former Children’s Laureate Michael Rosen teams up with the current one, Chris Riddell to produce a lovely book of poems and pictures for the very young. Ippy-uppy, Ippy-uppy, up, up, up.

Photos: Bianca Winter

THE TALE OF A CROW LIT FEST by Justine Crow

nce upon a time there was an invite. And it grew into a whole literary festival. Well, not so much an invite as an author. The writer of Radio 4’s Book at Bedtimeadapted The Middlesteins had bestowed a swell evening upon us back in 2014 and promised us a return visit when her next novel was published. Insensibly excited, we didn’t stop reminding her of the invite and began counting down the days immediately. The seasons turned, we kept notching off that calendar and when Saint Mazie by Jami Attenberg was announced (also snapped up by R4) it became apparent that we needed to celebrate her appearance with something a little bigger than the average ‘do’.

Friday

We had a taster of things to come with a festival short-story ‘warm-up’ the week before, featuring the estimable, erudite and entertaining – all the ‘E’s – Stuart Evers, who recently published Your Father Sends His Love, alongside the enigmatic Canadian Heather O’Neill, whose eye-popping material in Daydreams of Angels no way reflected her reserved countenance. So, we were match fit for the arrival all the way from the US of our bone fide top dollar. Still, we decided that it was best not to peak too soon now that the invite had developed into a full-sized festival. At least we should attempt a moderately early night once Jami had spoken. Ben Johncock who wrote The Last Pilot, agreed to present our long-awaited guest to the sell-out house, having written a fine review in The Guardian of her tale based on a true story, about an eccentric yet altruistic New York theatrical impresario. The most commonly used description of Jami is sassy but that’s just lazy. No, she’s natural, spirited and massively smart. 52

The questions came fast after she had delivered her compelling evocation of jazz age Manhattan and the audience reacted with generous intellectual dexterity – by the way, at any event we put on, all the authors comment that our crowd is the cleverest. Eat that Hay-on-Wye. Eventually, in the time-honoured tradition, we hit the pub. Did someone say we weren’t going to have a late night?

Saturday

Hmm, after reaching for the paracetamol, we groggily made our way back to Crystal Palace at dawn armed with bin-bag and broom. Not surprisingly, there wasn’t a soul around from the night before except us hardy (some may say foolhardy) booksellers. As we moved the furniture for the usual Saturday trade, we were more than a touch weary at the prospect of shifting it all around again in a few hours time for the Cat People. Yes, they came in their hordes to hear ex-Guardian columnist, Twitter star, golf nut, music lover and feline fancier, Tom Cox talk about his VERY LOUD dad (to wit, VERY AMUSING) by way of his four famous furry friends. We were serenaded by folk duo The Left Outsides first and they played again between readings, adding a haunting element to the gently witty travails of the author’s relocation from one rural landscape to another. Words delivered, the last time we witnessed a queue as self-organised as this was for Donald Sinden’s book on churches back in the 80s. Not at all like herding cats. Tom was LOVELY. So deft and friendly, so patient with the nicest stalkers EVER as they lined up to have their copies of Close Encounters of the Furred Kind signed and then to regale him with their own pussycat stories, one-by-inexorable-one.

Sunday

There were fewer empties to gather by now though the path to the recycling bank was becoming well-trodden and the drunk on the bench had taken to toasting each bottle as it crashed in: ‘Cheers!’ The shop is always more relaxed on a Sunday and today was no different with the world treating the place as their very own living room. We provided sherry and cheese straws for that authentic cosiness and soon everyone was settled with their feet up for Travis Elborough who had come to give us a flavour of a traveller’s life through the centuries. Ably aided by Gregor – rich telly voice of the erstwhile rugby world cup giants, subsequently Lilliputians (they may well have remained in the competition for longer had Gregor got a game) – who, accompanied by our own Karen McLeod wearing her performer’s hat, poured out the extracts from A Traveller’s Year with fireside alacrity. And then there was nothing for it but to repair to the pub again.

Monday

Boy, we were getting good at this transforming the shop lark – one minute a Manhattan lobby, the next a regular shop floor. Then, a country kitchen full of fur and a father and a toad in a shoe (you had to be there), then a shop floor again. Then, the launchpad for intrepid armchair travel, then ... you get the picture. For the final author night we fashioned ourselves a bit of a bestial mood and were blessed by two true talents. First Evie Wyld, short-listed and award-winning novelist and creator of Everything is Teeth. It depicts her childhood relationships, the sadness and joy, in the ever-present lee of her terror of sharks, beautifully realised by her friend Joe Sumner who uncannily,

she said, interpreted her narrative with his shadowy illustrations. In the other corner of the ring sat Max Porter, author of Goldsmith prize-nominated Grief is the Thing With Feathers, self-deprecatingly astute, fair-minded and funny and the discussion was both intimate and bold. And once again our demographic did us proud with some really sharp enquiries. To end the lot, the metaphorical marquee flaps came down on a lively book group face-off when all literary souls were invited to speak up for their favourite ever reads. And heck did they ever. When it was done, we were exhausted. We had many to thank – the authors, their interrogators, visitors that came from afar (Manchester, Cambridge, North America!), our artist-inresidence David Vallade who not only created our logo but designed our bespoke signature festival pull-down blind, Bianca, Kirsty, Karen, the Alma for its post-show hospitality, and last but not least, the brilliant willing audiences night-after-night. With the clang of chairs being stacked away for the last time ringing in our ears, we were asked if we’d consider doing it all over again next year. The bespoke blind whizzed back up in the silence that followed. A couple of hundred people had passed through the doors over the course of the festival, not only drinking their weight in wine but punching way above it in intelligence. Covering short stories, a novel, a memoir, a travel book and a graphic novel, in less than a week we got through 400 books, eight boxes of beer, live music and quality perfomances, recording thousands and thousands – a flock even – of words for forthcoming podcasts. Would we do it again? You are kidding. Next time we’ll make it bigger and longer. Start counting down the days ...

MAN WRITES BLOG

On 20 November 2015, Ward 10 Books published Crystal Palace-based blogger Douglas John Thorp’s first book Idle Eye - Amateur of Life and Death. What’s it all about? We asked him to explain ... n the author’s own words, it is ‘a paean to hard work, self-belief and New Zealand Pinot Noir’. Idle Eye’s meagre oeuvre is occasionally witty, half-confessional, self-deprecating and somewhat delusional. And that’s being kind. It might appeal to aficionados of Radio 4’s Ed Reardon’s Week, Jonathan Ames, David Sedaris and all those who prefer their humour bone dry. But then again it might not. Since its inception in September 2011, Idle Eye has railed against the perils of senior cycling, sought liberation from the tyranny of sex, championed the merits of slugs, gerbils and foxes and even considered buying property on the moon. In fact, there’s very little he hasn’t had a skewed thought on after a few glasses of the right stuff. So in January of this year, slumped near comatose in a central London wine bar, he came up with the idea of making a book. But not just any book: a book that would turn his life around and make him into a household name. Like Fairy Liquid. Or Domestos. And the rest, as they say, is history. Amateur of Life and Death is a collection of forty

pitifully-short posts taken from his weekly blog and beautifully illustrated by twenty contemporary artists who really should have known better. Following a successful Kickstarter campaign to raise printing costs, some hardback copies (signed by the man himself if he’s over the DTs) will be available for sale at Bookseller Crow and a few other London-based retail outlets he doesn’t owe money to. You can also purchase a book from the author in person if you see him about (usually around the recycling bins at the back of Sainsbury’s, channelling Charles Bukowski via Catweazle). In closing, please remember: a book is for life, not just for Christmas. Every copy of Amateur of Life and Death sold will go towards settling a crippling bill from the Naked Wine company, ongoing and accruing since 2008. If you can find it in your hearts to help, your generosity will be forever remembered. If you can’t, it has already been forgotten. Seriously, it has. As if you were going to make a difference … theidleeye.wordpress.com

Christmas What’s on Festive fings what is ‘appening

SMALL BIZ SAT UK

Saturday 5 December Come do your Xmas shopping on the Triangle! Reject the crowds, avoid online gifts never arriving, support your local economy (& get free stuff when you do) #SmallBizSatUK #crystalpalacebuddyup

ROCKMOUNT PRIMARY SCHOOL WINTER FAIR

Saturday 5 December 12-3pm Chevening Rd, SE19 3ST Adults 50p entry, kids free. Hot food, drinks, activities, music & dance performances, raffle, and storytime with Santa

CHRISTMAS BUSK

Saturday 12 December Crystal Palace Food Market, Haynes Lane All singers welcome to join in with fun, friendly seasonal singing. Gather at Antenna Caff (outside Antenna Studios) at 12 noon.

THE PORTICO GALLERY

porticogallery.org.uk

Mambista with Krar Collective

Friday 27 November Salsa dance class at 7pm followed by the Mambista Mash Up with DJ Gerry Lyseight. Tickets £6 in advance or £8 on the door (inc dance class)

Bazaar

Sunday 6 December This FEAST day the Portico Gallery is open 10am to 4pm for the community to come and browse, buy gifts or just soak up the merry atmosphere.

Winter Music Hall & Illusion Emporium

Sunday 6 December Featuring stars of the West End stage, virtuoso musicians and singers, plus fabulous food and drink Doors 7pm, show time is 7.30-9.30pm Advanced tickets £15 or £10 concessions (£18.50 on door)

Tea Dance

Wednesdays 9 Dec & 13 Jan & 10 Feb 2.30-4.30pm Live music, homemade cakes, a sing-a-long, themed activities, toddlers play area, community scarf knitting! Free admission (donations welcome) Dementia friendly, disabled access

DULWICH PICTURE GALLERY

dulwichpicturegallery.org.uk

FREE Lunchtime concert series

From Blues to Bach Wednesdays 2 Dec & 13, 20 & 27 January 1.30-2pm in Christ’s Chapel. Talented students from local schools

Gallery Film

Bar opens at 7pm and screening at 7.30pm Tickets £9 (£7 friends) includes a glass of wine and snacks Cabaret (1972) (15) 124 mins Monday 14 December 84 Charing Cross Road (1987) (PG) 100 mins Monday 11 January

Feast Film Night

Saturday 12 December Howl (15) Doors 7.30pm, film at 8pm £5.00 on the door

Fogey Film Afternoons

Wednesdays 16 Dec & 20 Jan & 17 Feb Continuing the Gallery’s commitment to reaching the more isolated in our community, a monthly film club for the over 60s Doors 2pm, film 2.30-4.30pm www.southlondoncares.org.uk

Cut a Rug: Unrugged Christmas Special

Thursday 17 December A night of acoustic and unplugged acts from the local area, supporting amazing artists with and without disabilities 7-11pm, tickets £5 on the door Email sam.mason@certitude.org.uk for details

Folk Of The Wood’s Christmas Ceilidh!

Friday 18 December Mulled wine, live music, great food, dancing and lots of frolicking fun. With Ceilidh Tree and caller Chris Faulkner Tickets at www.folkofthewood.co.uk

Mambista New Year’s Eve Wing Ding

Thursday 31 December Live music from Grupo Lokito + DJ Gerry Lyseight 9pm til late Tickets £15 in advance (until 18 Dec) then £20 on the door

Christmas What’s on ALEXANDRA NURSERIES

Estate House, Parish Lane, Sydenham, SE20 7LJ alexandranurseries.co.uk

Live music

Christmas Wreath Making Workshops

Christmas Fair

Late Night opening til 9pm

Saturday 28 Nov 7.30pm Three local acts, food and bar. £8 in advance

Saturday 5 & Sunday 6 Dec 10am-6pm Independent local makers selling original handmade gifts & seasonal food and drink. Mulled wine and mince pies

Thursdays 3 & 10 Dec 6-8pm £45 inc all materials, plus mulled wine and mince pies

Thursdays 10 & 17 Dec Craft brewers and hot food.

Pop-up Florist

9-11 Dec & 16-18 Dec 10am-4pm Wreaths, garlands, bouquets and table decorations with the Flower-Bird.co.uk

PUBS The Grape & Grain

2 Anerley Hill SE19 2AA thegrapeandgrainse19.com Sydenham Blues Club throughout December Saturday 5 Dec : The Riverboys Saturday 12 Dec : Dave Hickey & The Jukebox Heroes Saturday 19 Dec : Xmas Party Night with The Houserockers and The Rat Pack

The Great North Wood Big Fun Night

Thursday 31 December 3 Knights Hill SE27 0HS thegreatnorthwood.co.uk New Years Eve bash featuring Andy Blackwell at the piano, lots of great cocktails and possibly a vodka lounge ...

Goldsmiths Arms

3 Croydon Rd, Penge SE20 7TJ goldsmithsarms.com Thur 10 Dec : Churchfields community choir at 8pm Fri 11 Dec : Christmas Vintage Bazaar with stalls and live Jazz 6-10pm Sat 12 Dec : Live music (band not confirmed) Thur 17 Dec : Open Mic night from 8pm Sat 19 Dec : Live music Tues 22 Dec : Christmas quiz from 8pm Thur 31 Dec : NYE party featuring live music from We Ghosts at 10pm

The Alma

95 Church Rd, London SE19 2TA thealmapub.co The West End at the Alma Sunday 6 December 8pm An evening of musical theatre featuring musical director Michael Bradley and artists Alice Fearn, Ben Heathcote, Tanya Newton, Tyone Huntley and Danial Stockton Tickets £17.50

Handmade Palace Christmas Market

Sunday 13 December 11am-4pm Stalls in the garden. Brunch served 9am-12noon, roasts from 12noon till 9pm

The Sparrowhawk

2 Westow Hill, SE19 1RX Comedy ROAR! Friday 11 December FREE 8pm Huntington & Hutt host a comedy night featuring awesome stand-up, sketch and character comedy acts. Details at facebook.com/Huntingtonandhutt

Howard Male gives you the low-down on new releases with varying degrees of seasonal relevance from Rwanda,

New Orleans and … er … Manchester and Coventry

have some sort-of seasonal offerings for you this time around but first something a little more sobering. All four members of The Good Ones are Rwandan genocide survivors and one gets the feeling that the gentle lilt of their acoustic guitar and vocal-centred music is their way of dealing with such unimaginable horrors. For every track on this, their second album, is a love song of sorts, either to their homeland – as the title Rwanda Is My Home (IRL Records) implies – or to someone they personally lost. If you’re used to thinking of African music as being rhythm orientated this gentle and melodic album will surprise you. It’s more folk orientated than anything else, with the absolute minimum of percussion, like a ticking clock, marking out time in the background. Tinariwen producer Ian Brennan does a great job of apparently just holding up a microphone in front of the band and pressing ‘Record’. Or rather, capturing a front-porch vibe and resisting the temptation to tart things up at all. Perfect for listening to gathered round the log fire or laptop. OK, time to get this party started. And where better to party than New Orleans? The Hot 8 Brass Band could also be thought of as survivors having got through the devastation of Hurricane Katrina and the death of four members. Also their trumpeter Terrell Batiste lost both his legs in a car crash yet still he soldiers on in a wheelchair as they march into town squares to metaphorically wake the dead. You might be sceptical about the idea of a brass band covering the likes of Papa was a Rolling Stone, Just my Imagination and – believe it or not – Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing but the way these guys strip down such tunes then rebuild them as ramshackle, heroic, swaggering marches effectively means they could cover The Birdie Song and make it a bracing experience. Anyway, trust me, Vicennial – 20 Years of the Hot 8 Brass Band (Tru Thoughts recordings) is an unbridled noisy joy from beginning to end – if you’re a Tom Waits fan you’ll love it. Back in the summer I was privileged to be invited to a private gig by the 1970s two-tone band The Selecter to mark the launch of their new album. The event took

place in a small room of around a hundred shiny-suited music biz insiders and jaded-looking music journalists. I felt rather sorry for the legendary Queen of Two-Tone Pauline Black and her band as they took to a stage they could barely all fit on to. What chance did they have of winning over a crowd more concerned about how long the free bar would last? And yet within ten minutes everyone was dancing, punching the air and singing along to the likes of Too Much Pressure and On My Radio. So this is my belated mention of the new – and surprisingly good – album Subculture (DMF Records). Bands who produce a clutch of classic singles during some earlier era face a near impossible task when they release new material because they’re competing with their fans treasured memories. But there’s plenty of would-be could-be classic Selecter songs here, and we can also move seamlessly on to another new ska release. Ska music is arguably the most party-friendly genre of all: it’s retro-hip enough for the cool kids, yet granny can also shake her bony hips to it too. So finally we have the pun-obsessed Baked A La Ska and their Christmas album Ska of Wonder (Proper Music). It’s still October as I write, so I refuse to listen to a flippin’ Christmas album! But let’s face it, a ska-rification of Slade’s Merry Christmas Everybody has got to be a riot. And a Ska defrosting of Walking in the Air and We Three Kings is certain to be cosily cockle warming. Is this the first time a music critic has ever reviewed an album without actually listening to it? I doubt it somehow. But adopting the spirit of goodwill expected of us all this time of year, I’m saying it’s probably excellent so go and buy it anyway – maybe as a gift for someone close or not so close. How could it not be great given that one of the vocalists goes by the name Frank-Insense? Anyway, take my word for it. It might be really, really good. Howard Male is the author of the murder mystery Etc Etc Amen (available from The Bookseller Crow). His new novel Serious Fun can be purchased from etcetcamen.com

MYSTIC MIKE’S

SAGITTARIUS The Archer Nov 21 - Dec 20

You are prone to self-destructive overindulgence at this time of year. The stars advise you strap yourself to a commode for the festive week and have a trusted friend visit daily to administer only porridge and water. Though perhaps on Christmas day itself ... a small Sherry? CAPRICORN The Goat(ee) Dec 21 - Jan 20

To be extra festive over the Christmas period, you change your BDSM safe word to “Sherry”. AQUARIUS The Water Carrier Jan 21 - Feb 20

At Christmas you pretend to be merry when you’re not just because you are so desperate for everyone else to have a good time. Forget that crap. Have a pint of Sherry and let the truth burst forth in a torrent of repressed tears. PISCES The Haddock Feb 21 - Mar 20

I note from Santa that you are on his naughty list so to make amends, on Christmas Eve leave him a really really large glass of quality Gonzalez Byass Apostoles Palo Cortado Viejo Vors Sherry. ARIES The Ram Mar 21 - Apr 20

You say Bah Humbug to the ‘jingle hell’ of Christmas as it’s all nothing but a forced cynical over-commercialised advertiser’s wet dream. Fine, sit your grinch ass down in your undecorated room, do not kill a tree, avoid baby Jesuses, do not lie to children about fat men in red bearing gifts and do not even think about having a Tesco finest Amontillado Sherry (20% off until Dec 31st).

Monolog I

t’s late Christmas day morning and after the bosom of the family has been suckled dry by the needy desires of consumerist haggling offspring, you languish about the roaring rural fire.

It’s been literally hours since you ate your lavish breakfast and though the scrambled still born foetal eggs lay lifeless within your bulging festive belly as you stare at tranquilising telly, the aroma of cooking flesh once more fills your nostrils and a fresh thick yearn to feed again begins. This is not the Christmas of the omnipresent Mystical Psychic being. One whose higher consciousness and accursed gifts petition his every metaphysical sensibility like a thousand years of dead and ghostly hordes demanding: “Why?” Spare a thought then for what obligation is mine to endure as, come the fateful hour, I wrestle the universe to conjure an escape from the cacophony of cosmic screams let fly from every bloated spitting Turkey enduring crispy cremation, as they feel the cold steel carving knife saw-glide into their tender thighs and bulging breast flesh.

Your eager drooling faces anticipate the pagan mastication, but I am auditory witness to every cooking squeal from every tiny butchered piglet in his gruesome cannibal blanket, every drowning Belgian soul gurgled, belched and sprouting forth from every Brussel boiled alive, every searing baby carrot glazed to death and every single steaming blistered petit pois mass murdered.

Mystic Mike is omnipresent but you can interact with him here: 62

mysticmike.co.uk

@mrmysticmike

TAURUS The Bull Apr 21 - May 20

As everyone knows, cats and dogs are all psychic and they can sense higher planetary vibrations so they know Christmas is a special time. Why not make them feel a bona fide part of the family by topping up their drink bowl with some cheap Aldi own brand Sherry? GEMINI The Twins May 21 - Jun 20

gue Rest in juice the poor punctured skin flayed Parsnips, peeled, scythed, slashed and hacked, wailing as they roast alive. Then the Stuffing; imagine the noise you would make if minced, crushed, pulverised, pounded and rammed into a cadavers arse before the scorching fires of Hades Inferno ensue. You all tear teeth bared at cauterised flesh while I, head in hands, can only wince as the porcelain cradle of the gravy with its scalding liquidised life dispenses its deathly drizzle over the roasted tater tombstones until king Edward elicits his final morbid moans. So I have to put on my new Christmas Dr Dre ‘Beats’ branded headphones with Slade on full blast to drown out the racket so I can tuck in with everyone else. Nightmare.

I now predict you fancy a Sherry. Yes. There. That’s how much I can play with your mind. Happy Christmas

I can see from your chart you particularly adore red nosed Reindeer. I can also personally testify that they are absolutely delicious, so this Christmas why not slap a slice of Rudolf in a searing hot pan for 3mins each side then create a seasonal jus by frying off all those meaty juices with a good glug of Harvey’s Bristol Cream Sherry. CANCER The Crab Jun 21 - Jul 20

Another Christmas simply means you’re heading inexorably closer to death. But be reassured, there is an eternal afterlife and at Christmas God dresses as Santa and distributes prezzies. Jesus cooks a turkey feast and no-one puts on weight. Then everyone nips down to Hell to get mashed on fine Oloroso Sherries. LEO The Lion Jul 21 - Aug 20

Your chart for December simply says ‘Xmas jumper’. This sounds innocuous enough but the stars are fickle and it may refer to suicide by launching yourself from a tall building during the festive season. So to ward off any hint of depression this Christmas I’ve invented Sherapy which is a kind of therapy, where you have a Sherry. VIRGO The Virgin Aug 21 - Sep 20

With Saturn cusping heavily into Venus it is no surprise the only touching Christmas miracle this year is that you survive after sinking that much cooking Sherry. LIBRA The Scales Sep 21 - Oct 20

Pagan games are fun at Christmas so why not play Tarot cards and laugh along as they expose you as adopted and forecast grannies imminent death. I predict your Ouija board will spell out the word “S.H.E.R.R.Y.” SCORPIO The Hunter Oct 21 - Nov 20

The neighbour you already hate goes typically overboard with the huge flashing Christmas decorations festooning his grotty little house and tinny Christmas music piped out for the entire street morning noon and night. Why not get a litre bottle of cheap Lidl Sherry and make a Molotov cocktail to throw through his window? 63

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@ ECONOMYCUSTARD

ECONOMYCUSTARD.CO.UK