The Transmitter Issue 37 by Transmission Publications Ltd

A SOUTH EAST LONDON MAGAZINE www.thetransmitter.co.uk

ISSUE 37

AUTUMN 2015

We go

back to West Norwood

CP INTERNATIONAL Film Fest

BEAUTY • BOOKS • FEASTS • FOLK • FOOD • GARDENING • MUSIC

Disclaimer The views expressed by contributors are theirs alone and do not necessarily reflect this magazine’s editorial policy or the views of any employee of Transmission Publications. So there.

or our AUTUMN issue we popped (back) down the hill to what used to be called Lower Norwood until the residents took umbrage. Some now call it West Dulwich, but there’s no pleasing some people. It’s all on the up down there, with a big refurb at Roseberys, a new Antic pub about to open (called Knowles of Norwood and where huge discount store This That and the Other once stood) and a brand new leisure centre. A planning application is also in for a Picturehouse cinema in Nettlefold Hall, incidentally the location used for Malcolm McDowell’s aversion therapy scene in Kubrick’s A Clockwork Orange. A venue with filmic heritage: this bodes well.

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Transmitter

Editor Andy Pontin Sub-Editor Annette Prosser Designer Simon Sharville Photographers Margherita Aulock, James Balston, Rosie Barnett Contributors Justine Crow, Mike Fairbrass, Louise Heywood, Jonathan Main, Howard Male, Tamsin Paternoster, Melanie Reeve, Mary Stamm-Clarke, Sue Williams Printed by Cantate Communications Published by Transmission Publications, PO Box 53556, London SE19 2TL, thetransmitter.co.uk editor@thetransmitter.co.uk @thetransmitter Cover Simon Sharville simonsharville.co.uk

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News & Events Autumn happenings BLOG IT Transmitter favourite and regular contributor photographer James Balston has been nominated in the Best Design Inspiration Blog category in this year’s Interior Blog Awards (IBA15). If you’re reading this on Friday 18 September you can just about squeeze in a vote for him too. Not only has James created an affectionate profile of many of the businesses which form the heart of Crystal Palace in his Triangle SE19 blog, he has also given inspiration to homeowners old and young writing about his visits to amazing places as an interiors photographer. Whether church or restaurant, home or hotel, shop or subway James’s images of beautiful buildings and interiors are lovingly crafted. We hope the awards’ judges – pulled from major design companies including Farrow & Ball, GP&J Baker and Homes & Gardens magazine – recognise his talents at the swish Ham Yard Hotel ceremony in October. interiorblogawards.com jamesbalston.com

DESIGN ONLINE

SOUTH LONDON THEATRE

After many years as self-employed makers selling at shows and their open studios at The Overspill in Coopers Yard, Danish sisters Lena & Tine Bladbjerg have launched an online marketplace. Their new website offers items from their respective screenprinting and jewellery businesses, along with products by other carefully selected – and mostly local – designer makers.

After months of head-scratching and negotiation, the South London Theatre (SLT) is moving temporarily from its iconic fire station location for the duration of a colossal operation to refurbish the existing beloved site in West Norwood. The hospitable lot at Stanley Halls (South Norwood Hill, SE25) are currently putting SLT up for a giant sleepover with productions of The Government Inspector and Oliver! already scheduled for performance there. SLT was also able to fix up an office area and storage facilities, as well as the allimportant rehearsal space required for all their shows. Even their costume hire operation has found space to continue. Served by regular local buses (as well as the ever-useful Norwood Junction train station) South Norwood Hill also has on-street parking which is FREE in the evenings. It is never the wrong time to offer help to the SLT but this is an important chapter in their story so support is even more welcome than usual. Get your tickets quick!

aletage2.com

southlondontheatre.co.uk stanleyhalls.org.uk

Chris Riddell Francesca Simon (photo by Helen Giles) James Dawson (photo by CleverPrime Photography) Laura Dockrill

Such was the success of last year’s South London Book Festival at Streatham & Clapham High School, they’ve decided to do it all over again. With 2014’s opening author Malorie Blackman OBE now Patron of the festival, it will be up to newly-appointed Children’s Laureate Chris Riddell to introduce the day. And what a day Saturday 7 November is going to be. STREAM2015 is a one-day event and is FREE and open to all. Whether you’re the parent of a preschooler or a keen teen interested in becoming a writer, all ages are catered for. The schedule is full on and will incorporate book signings, workshops, sessions with favourite authors and competitions. From Horrid Henry to teen issues, from Dennis the Menace to Flirty Dancing, from the Last Dragon Chronicles to villains and Victorians, there’ll be lots to take in and enjoy. Writers Jenny McLachlan, Katy Birchall and Lucy Saxon will get together to explain what inspired them to create certain characters and storylines at a special panel session, whilst Julian Sedgwick will talk about Dark Satanic Mills and the graphic novel, which will appeal to aspiring illustrators. Look out for the Phoenix Comics workshop too. 6

Those interested in Young Adult writing should look out for author and performance poet Laura Dockrill along with the multi-talented Natalie Haynes (she writes, she critiques, she broadcasts – and she even makes people laugh too …). Attention lovers of the whodunnit! Keep your extra-vigilant, super-sleuthing eyes open to catch crime fiction specialists Katherine Woodfine and Esme Kerr. So, picture books, futuristic fantasy, mysteries and thrillers … at STREAM2015 you’ll find the lot. See the website for all the details you need (everything is FREE but some events will be need to pre-booked in advance). STREAM South London Book Festival Streatham & Clapham High School 42 Abbotswood Rd London SW16 1AW STREAM2015.co.uk @STREAM_SCHS

POPCORN AT THE READY Fans of the silver screen need to check out the Crystal Palace International Film Festival (CPIFF) this November, with screenings taking place in and around SE19. Quirky venues and delicious food add to the vibe as dozens of short films â&#x20AC;&#x201C; selected from over 1000 submissions â&#x20AC;&#x201C; vie for votes and the chance to be category award winners at the Gala Finale evening. During the festival movie-goers can expect themed nights including Horror & Sci-Fi Night (dressing up is encouraged) and Animation Night (always super popular, so get your tickets quick if this is your bag). It all starts, spookily, on Saturday 31 October as the festival launches with a series of shorts at a Gothic Church. Perfect. Before then CPIFF are holding a fundraising warm-up on Saturday 19 September at Stanley Halls on South Norwood Hill, screening previous festival winners in the Best of Horror/Sci-Fi category. Horror your thing? Kill for a ticket. cpiff.co.uk @CrystalPalaceFF

Trading Places Coffee and cushions

HOME IS WHERE THE HART IS It’s a tiny space but Vintagehart loves a challenge and this autumn you’ll find a new range of midcentury homewares nestling amongst the striking womenswear, bespoke millinery and haberdashery essentials. Look out especially for their new handmade duck feather-filled cushions, created using luscious textiles including colourful-print headscarves and vintage kimonos. Vintagehart White Hart 96 Church Road SE19 2EZ @vintagehart

HANDBAGS UNDER THE HAMMER

B&G5 ON THE TRIANGLE

On October 3 the second of Rosebery’s bi-annual Couture Fashion, Luxury Accessories and Antique Textiles auctions takes place. These events have become a mainstay of Rosebery’s year, created by vintage specialist Richard Gibbon on his arrival five years ago. Entries for this auction close on Monday 21 September, so if you think you have some clothing of value up in the attic, get in touch. Items already down for the auction include handbags from Hermes, Chanel and Louis Vuitton along with classic pieces from Dior, YSL, Jean Muir and Missoni. Older readers (ahem) may be surprised to hear that even top end designer items from the 1980s (and later) may be worth more than one would think. In September Roseberys auction house are also launching a new online-only auction – Vertu at Roseberys – specialising in vintage fashion and accessories. Take a peek at the website for more information on buying or selling.

Many moons ago two foodie twin sisters (you know, them ones off that telly programme) arrived in SE19 and set about creating what is now part of the furniture for Gipsy Hill commuters : Brown & Green at the Station. A few years (plus weddings & babies) down the line and Jess and Laura are now launching their fifth – and flagship – cafe, right across from Vintagehart. Along with old favourites including sourdough bacon butties, brunches and wholesome salads, this time there will be ... alcohol. Yes, ma’am. And you can expect weekday Buggy Clubs and late-night Thursdays along with poetry and jazz evenings. Anyone for a 10pm brekkie served with a tumbler of red?

Roseberys Auction House 70/76 Knights Hill SE27 0JD roseberys.co.uk 10

Brown & Green 99 Church Rd SE19 2PR brownandgreencafe.com

Trading Places Triangle Trading Tittle-Tattle

he arrival of sourdough pizza at Four Hundred Rabbits seems to have coincided big time with the entire population of SE19 wanting to eat sourdough pizza. Or maybe it’s the cheerful green frontage luring us in from the summer rain. Team Transmitter certainly filled their boots during the new restaurant’s soft launch week whilst it garnered lots of pizza love on social media too. Two new indie businesses – our absolute favourite type of business – have recently opened up. Womenswear, accessories and homely gifts can now be found at Josephine’s (next to The Sparrowhawk) in Westow Street. It’s Amanda Carey’s third boutique, adding to Red in Beckenham and Lanta b. in West Wickham. Beauty therapist Ash Cole has moved on from her mobile business and set up her first shop space The Lash Lounge at the park end of Church Road. Ash’s speciality is semi-permanent eyelash extensions (which can last up to five weeks, ladies) and threading and manicures are also available. Residents of this modest suburb 25 years ago would have been surprised to see a Champagne and cake bar popping up on the block ... but, guess what, here in 2015 that’s exactly what’s happening folks! It’s the dream project of Derek Taylor, former Toronto resident, who intends to wow us all with treats to end all treats. Dalhousie will officially be a daytime-thru-early-evening ‘cake-led coffee shop serving Champagne’ and promises to sweep us off our slingbacks with not only its culinary offerings but its delightful interiors too. Expect chandeliers with a twist, fireplaces aplenty, marble & granite finishes ... and the most a-ma-zing bakes. Clear 12

your diary now for Dalhousie’s launch in November! It’s all go for Crystal Palace toy shop Papagaio, which is in the process of waving goodbye to Church Road and relocating to new premises opposite Sainsbury’s. The new shop – opening at the end of September fingers crossed – will provide more space (hurrah) for Emma’s treasure trove of goodies for children of all ages. Not new, but beautifully refurbished, D Solo’s – a Church Road stalwart – continues to offer top dog menswear, both urban and designer. Dennis Brown knows his sartorial stuff: go see his handsome new store, it’s mighty fine. Not content with his role as stylist to the men of SE19, Dennis is also organising a Charity Black Tie Dinner on Saturday 24 October, with all proceeds going to Endometriosis UK. Expect some classy entertainment (including the Vince Dunn Orchestra) and don’t forget to look damn smart. Tickets available from the 25 Church Road venue (and online, see below). Also just in, we hear that two enterprising young chaps have bought the public toilets on Church Road (opp The Alma pub) and will be restoring its original function with a bit of a hipster twist. Vintage beard-grooming kits and craft beer will be purveyed at The Slash Lounge which will become our new go-to CP pissoir. 400rabbits.co.uk lashloungelondon.co.uk josephines.london papagaioworld.com eventim.co.uk/dsolo

West Norwood

outh East London is home to many hidden gems and West Norwood Cemetery is no exception. A unique and well preserved treasure, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s worth setting aside an afternoon to pay a visit to this distinguished spot, and what better and more suitable time than at Halloween? But for now, until you have the good fortune of strolling through its 42 acres, hereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a bit about its history, its renowned Gothic architecture and some of the famous people laid to rest within the beautifully landscaped grounds.

Cemetery Words by Mary Stamm-Clarke marystammclarke.com

In the early 19th century, and in part due to the growth of the Industrial Revolution, London’s urban population was dramatically increasing. Faced with the problem of overrun churchyards and traditional places of burial, Norwood Cemetery opened in 1837 to alleviate the strain of overcrowding. It was one of the first commercial developments of its kind. In fact, it was the second of the ‘Magnificent Seven’ built in London’s rural areas by the South Metropolitan Cemetery Company, whose lead architect was the eminent Sir William Tite. In what would be the world’s first Gothic cemetery, Tite designed two chapels, the lodge, the gates, the high walls and railings as well as the curving pathways among the deciduous trees, in keeping with the traditional English landscape. Unfortunately, some of Tite’s work, as well as a number of statues and monuments were damaged in the World War II bombings but two original catacombs, which together accommodate some 3,500 coffins and boast advanced hydraulic lift systems, still survive today and are opened, on occasion, for viewing. In its heyday, Norwood was the most fashionable cemetery in South London to be buried in. In the years following its opening, its popularity rose and soon adopted the nickname, the Millionaires’ Cemetery due to the quality of its mausoleums and other elaborate monuments. In time, 300 persons with entries in the New Dictionary of National Biography came to be buried here. Some of the most prominent traders, entrepreneurs, medical figures, 16

scientists, artists and writers of the Victorian era can be found at Norwood; famous names including Beeton, Bessemer, Dollond, Doulton, Letts, Marsden, Maxim, Reuter, Spurgeon and Tate, to name a few. A guidebook is available from the Friends of West Norwood Cemetery with a mapped tour of the grounds, taking one on a walk round these figures’ lavish headstones and memorials. Today, the cemetery forms the core of the West Norwood Conservation Area and is listed by English Heritage on its Register of Historic Parks and Gardens. 65 monuments, the gates, railings, walls and the catacombs are Grade II or Grade II* listed. Whether you fancy a stroll in beautiful and tranquil settings, taking some interesting photos, or are simply curious about the cemetery’s rich architectural, industrial or cultural heritage, it’s worth stopping by. The FOWNC provide guided tours of the cemetery throughout the year on the first Sunday of every month; 2.30pm from April to October and 11am from November to March. Tours of the catacombs are also available, but must be booked in advance and are available to members only: please email secretary@fownc.org to find out more about these tours or any additional events. fownc.org

Screaming Banshee

Could it be that West Norwood Cemetery is haunted? On more than one occasion, local residents claim to have seen a screaming banshee running through the grounds at night in distress, clothed in white Victorian robes.

The Greek Section Saturday 19 September As part of Open House London 2015, tours of the cemetery will be starting at the main gate at 2pm, 2.30pm and 3pm, and ending at the Greek chapel, which will be open with short talks inside. The Friends of West Norwood Cemetery (FOWNC) bookstall will also be present. Visit openhouselondon.org.uk for more information

In 1842, four prominent Greek merchants, supervised by the Brotherhood of the Greek Community, leased a piece of ground in the cemetery, paying ÂŁ300 for the exclusive rights of burial and erection of monuments. Further leases meant the enclosure extended to over 25,000 square feet. Today, the wealth of the Greek merchants is evident from an extraordinary collection of mausoleums and tombs, elaborate sculptures and the classical Greek Doric temple built of Bath stone.

Beamish & McGlue s any independent shop owner will tell you, the last decade has not been an easy one: along with a recession (or two), small businesses are constantly evolving to keep up with changing shopping habits. Beamish & McGlue, Norwood Road’s wonderful cornershop, were ahead of the game 10 years ago, bringing quality fresh produce – including organic meats – to the high street. Now that the big ‘veg box to your door’ companies have expanded into the delivery of meats, cheeses and fish along with that crate of courgettes, things have had to change for the independent deli. Partners Casey McGlue and Antonia Beamish are proper cornershopkeepers, keen to keep the high street alive and kicking. As well as stocking eco household essentials (take your bottles back for washing-up liquid refills) and popular beauty products including Faith in Nature, their sourdough bread is provided by Levain Bakery in East Dulwich, their coffee of choice is Volcano and the shelves are laden with delicious delicatessen. Kitchen staples from superior olive oils to Brindisa gazpacho are all there (and all veg continues to come from Brockmans Farm in Kent) but now you will also find homemade loveliness you can’t order anywhere else online. Full-on hearty stews, fancy fish pies and tasty organic pesto are all handmade and perfect to

pick up on your way home from work. Ready meals? Yes. Full of rubbishy additives? A definite no. Providing food for regular events – including Folk of the Wood at the Portico Gallery – has meant Beamish & McGlue have now added Party Catering to the list of services available to their customers. Menus boast favourites including hot platters, chorizo stews and, of course, delicious cakes. As the nation continues its seemingly never-ending quest for the perfect brew, the cafe side of the deli is also expanding. An autumn makeover will see an increase in indoor seating and a spot of interior decorating. To celebrate their 10th birthday – an important milestone for any small business – Beamish & McGlue will be having a bit of a knees-up from midday on Saturday 10 October, where customers will be able to sup a Brixton Beer or three amidst live music and general merriment. The Transmitter loves an indie shop: Beamish & McGlue, pride of West Norwood, we salute you. Beamish & McGlue 461 Norwood Road London, SE27 9DQ 0208 761 8099 beamishandmcglue.com

@beamishmcglue

Photos by Margherita Aulock mvonaulock.co.uk

A MAGNIFICENT FEAST t is impossible to imagine there is anyone living in West Norwood who is not aware of its wonderful FEAST, a smorgasbord of stalls spread throughout SE27â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s streets, nooks and crannies and tempting South Londoners every first Sunday of the month between April and December. The first one took place on 3 April 2011 following three months of feverish planning by a team of volunteers lead initially by the Space Makers Agency. It had been clear before then that the area had great potential for regeneration. A combination of the many skills the community had at their fingertips and the real desire to make West Norwood a better place to live resulted in a successful first event and one which looked set to stay. Confidence grew, knowledge was passed on and additional skills were learnt; by the time

Christmas 2011 arrived, the event was run exclusively by volunteers. Space Makers started to step back and by April 2012 had handed the FEAST over to its community. ‘Volunteer numbers go up and down but there’s a key team of about 10 who have been there from the start,’ says Charlotte Ashworth, FEAST co-ordinator and the only paid member of the team. Currently about 30 core volunteers are involved on a week by week basis, with around 20 more who help out on occasion, usually on FEAST days themselves. Since taking full responsibility the FEAST team has created special events (from picnics on the grass at St Luke’s for the Olympic Opening Ceremony to festive Winter Lights inside the church to special days in support of the local food bank) and the Sunday markets go from strength to strength. In addition to the original four hubs – Artisans Corner, Retro Village, Fresh’n’Green and Food Fair – a Family hub has now arrived. Each has its own location so visitors can either select areas which fuel their particular interests or wander round the FEAST in its entirety. There is live music (and workshops and free activities for children) and a palpable sense of enthusiasm for what has been achieved. There have been offshoots too, including the FEAST Film Nights held at the Portico Gallery. The team have ‘office space’ at the gallery, which is owned by John Price. Useful for practicalities including storage there is also a close relationship between the two organisations as John is one of the FEAST directors and very much involved. On FEAST days the Portico holds an open house showcasing all the gallery’s activities.

The biggest challenge for a monthly event like this is, of course, the weather. On a nice day over 5000 visitors arrive: excellent reward for the hard work all the volunteers have put in plus happy stallholders. Bad weather (= wobbly gazebos) can be stressful but Charlotte remains positive: ‘even on the worst days, traders insist its their favourite market … even if they don’t linger, people still make the effort to come out and visit their favourite stalls’. FEAST has undoubtedly been nothing but a force for good in West Norwood. It really is much more than a monthly market. There is special emphasis on creating opportunities for many who may feel isolated, for instance the support FEAST gives to the Portico’s regular dementiafriendly Tea Dance. Also on FEAST days there is a Tea & Talk Table at Artisans on Chatsworth Way: a chance for West Norwood’s older people to sit down and have a free cup of tea, a cake and a chat with FEAST volunteers. Charlotte, a veteran of volunteer-led initiatives, couldn’t praise the team highly enough: ‘It’s an honour to work with such gifted and generous people … FEAST really is absolutely unique in how democratic, inclusive and downright special it is. I love my job!’ Now, as FEAST approaches its 5th birthday in 2016, there are hopes to make it entirely sustainable. New volunteers are always welcome: if you’d like to help FEAST rise to this challenge, get in touch via their website or simply look for someone in a fetching hi-vis jacket at the next FEAST on Sunday 4 October. westnorwoodfeast.com WN_FEAST

PORTICO GALLERY

Tamsin Paternoster takes afternoon tea in a modest South London space and finds a very

special place bursting with art ... and a sense of real-life community

Flamenco photos by Cathy Yavorsky

t is a weekday and the weather outside has taken a break from its recent erraticism and is decisively mild. Within minutes of stepping into The Portico Gallery I had gotten lost, stumbled headfirst into a yoga session, tripped over a startled cat and received a steaming mug of PG Tips. Nestled inbetween some of West Norwood’s finest off-licences, the gallery is a bizarre little enclave of art and culture, where the term ‘community’ is not just spoken of, but practised. ‘You know art itself, paintings, just paintings, do absolutely bugger all,’ declares gallery owner John Price. ‘I mean you can paint, but why do people paint? They paint to communicate. You can go to a gallery and sort of just worship the picture, without actually interacting. We just thought people might like to become more involved.’ The Portico Gallery plays with the concept of a traditional art gallery. An ‘arts, culture and community’ gallery, it incorporates the local community through yoga, dance, film nights and tea. Halfway through our discussion a trumpet noise pierces through the little office, whilst a theatre troupe ambles around downstairs. There can be lots going on, as Su McLaughlin explains: ‘A couple of months ago we had four different performances here. One of the dances was a Peruvian folk dance, you would think that’s quite random, it was sort of tapping into a demographic we’ve never reached before.’ ‘Getting everyone in the community to come here – that’s the fun of it,’ adds John. ‘And that’s the challenge, getting all the extremes here. If you don’t have both extremes you forget bits, bits fall off and become isolated. It’s like a big body, you’ve got to make sure your toes are in

Photo by Charlotte Levy

good nick, or your head gets cut off.’ Everyone smiles. ‘No but its true! How do you see if something’s healthy? You look at the extremes.’ If the landscape of greater London is a motley patchwork of culture and mindset, The Portico Gallery is one of those rare places where the term ‘community’ is not an abstract term trotted out by official organisations, but one that actually lives and breathes. ‘Are there lots of artists though,’ I ask, ‘in this area?’ ‘You’d be surprised – hundreds! We didn’t realise!’ says Rick Pinn, John’s partner in running the gallery and also Creative Director. ‘The gallery has been open for about five years, and when we first started, they just seemed to come out of the woodwork.’ The feeling that West Norwood was once a place people went through to get somewhere else – ‘it wasn’t a destination, it didn’t have a personality’ as the Portico team put it – is fading. Portico’s next exhibition is working in collaboration with the Lambeth Open, an invitation for local artists to display their personal collections either at home, or in Portico’s gallery space. All are in agreement: ‘We don’t really say, I’m sorry, this piece isn’t good enough for us to display. If you’re brave enough to want to display it, then you’re welcome to.’ Portico is an entirely open space, its mantra of communication through art manifests in its small hallway of paintings down to its hybrid second floor, which acts as an impromptu exercise room, a dance hall and most importantly, a gathering place. It is a space where ‘social inclusion’ are not just buzzwords. 25

Top: Photo by Charlotte Levy

Ceilidh Tree photographed by Georgina Piper

Their flagship Tea Dance event is an event open to all, artists and non-artists alike. Portico is a place where art and community as ideas and practice are entirely intertwined. It holds a range of classes which includes daily sunrise yoga (Monday to Friday) at an eye-wateringly productive 6.30am, and pottery classes conducted by professionals. There is zumba, singing, sewing and cozy film nights for those who want to learn a new skill, or simply want to relax in a safe environment. Portico executes its events with an admirable humility, there is no sense of a grandiose mission to save the community, it simply works quietly and humbly, to bring people together. My teabag looking lacklustre, I ask the team behind Portico a final question: what place does art have in a community? Rick has the response: ‘Art is essential. I don’t think you can be a community without art, can you?’ There is a round of slowly shaking heads. ‘And art isn’t just painting or sculpting, it’s performance’, adds John. ‘It’s going to sound a bit poncey this, but as a person if you do something the slightest bit creative, you’re an artist.’ ‘We try to make art not just a form of self-expression, you know, but also interaction. That’s why this place is so important to us, because it provides a platform for other people to express themselves and engage with each other. Art is absolutely vital.’

A firm favourite at the Portico is the regular Folk of the Wood event (see photos), where live folk music gets everyone up on their feet to experience the life-affirming joy that is the ceilidh. Many great folk bands have played at the gallery’s gigs, along with favourite hosts Ceilidh Tree. On Friday 16 October there’s gonna be a special shindig to celebrate Folk of the Wood’s 2nd birthday (tickets available from their website). Gospel/ragtime/blues singer Simon Prager will be there, as will harmonica maestro Kevin ‘Doc’ Stenson. See page 28 for more of what’s on offer at the gallery.

The Portico Gallery Knights Hall 23a Knights Hill West Norwood LONDON SE27 0HS porticogallery.org.uk @PorticoGallery folkofthewood.co.uk

CLASSES AT THE PORTICO GALLERY

Sunrise yoga: 6.30-7.30am Monday-Friday Daytime yoga: 10.30-11.30am Wednesdays only Evening yoga: 7-8.30pm Mondays & Tuesdays only Pottery: 6.30-9pm Wednesdays Group Singing: 12noon-1.30pm Wednesdays Qi Gong: 6.30-7.30pm Wednesdays Sewing: 6.30-9.30pm Thursdays Life Drawing: 6.30-9.30pm Thursdays Zumba: 8-8.45pm Wednesdays

MAMBISTA

FOGEY FILM AFTERNOON

Film 2.30pm (doors open 2pm) Wednesdays 21 October & 18 November A monthly film club for the over 60s in collaboration with South London Cares

CUT A RUG: UNRUGGED

Thursday 12 November 7-11pm A night of acoustic and unplugged local acts supporting artists with and without disabilities Tickets £5 on the door

Friday 25 September Salsa dance class at 7pm then DJ Gerry Lyseight spins a superior selection of African, Latin and Jazz til midnight £6 in advance or £8 on the door (inc dance class) @mambista1

FEAST FILM NIGHTS

MAMBISTA 1ST BIRTHDAY

Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (15) Saturday 10 October 8pm FBI Agent Desmond disappears while hunting for the man who murdered a teen girl. Meanwhile following dark visions and supernatural encounters, Agent Dale Cooper chillingly predicts that the culprit will claim another life

Friday 23 October Salsa class at 7pm followed by birthday celebrations for Mambista with 10-piece salsa orquesta Here to Havana £6 in advance or £8 on the door (inc dance class) @mambista1

PORTICO BAZAAR

Lambeth Open Exhibition Saturday 3 & Sunday 4 October 10am-4pm Celebrating South London artists and makers. Plus a Portico open house showcasing all the gallery’s activities, the community café, stalls and performances from local talent

SABINE THOELE PHOTOGRAPHY & NAIVE ART EXHIBITION

9-15 October A collection of naïve art from a variety of organisations involved in mental well-being. Plus beautiful photography to mark the first anniversary of the Portico Tea Dance by Photographer Sabine Thoele SabineThoelePhotography.com

TEA DANCE

Wednesdays 14 October & 11 November 2.30-4.30pm Live music, homemade cakes, a space to try out some new dances, a sing-a-long, themed activities, toddlers play area, community scarf knitting! FREE admission (donations welcome) Dementia-friendly and disabled access 28

Whiplash (15) Saturday 26 September 8pm An ambitious young jazz drummer is in pursuit of rising to the top of his elite craft

Downtown 81 (15) Saturday 24 October 8pm Starring the legendary American artist Jean Michel Basquiat (1960-1988.) A vivid depiction of the explosive downtown New York art and music scene of 1980-81 Shaun the Sheep (U) Saturday 7 November 11am When Shaun decides to take the day off and have some fun, he gets a more action than he bargained for Orphee (PG) Saturday 21 November 8pm At the Café des Poètes in Paris, a fight breaks out between the poet Orphée and a group of resentful upstarts

The

arden G astro GBar Justine Crow ventures to SE27

and finds an irresistible Italian Photos by Rosie Barnett rosiebarnett.com

Thanks to the efforts of many of you dogged South London foodies, SE27 is now famous for more than just a glorious cemetery, thriving theatre and infant-sized branch of B&Q. What with the inspirational FEAST community market initiative, newly sprauntzed-up boozers such as The Great North Wood and Tulse Hill Hotel â&#x20AC;&#x201C; plus the elbow grease of quality-conscious retailers like Blackbird and Beamish & McGlue â&#x20AC;&#x201C; it was only a matter of time before an innovative pair of Italians found a spot from which to really up the gastronomic ante.

Isa and Riccardo run an unlikely homage to home-cooking from a small site overlooking the traffic as it sluices round the one-way system. The large awning cranked over the window is about as fancy as the operation gets – everything else is washed walls and plain wood, including the eponymous garden. And I confess my customary date – the bookseller – was more than a little nervous when I announced that this was where he was going to be eating his dinner. But of course, he needn’t have worried. Isa led us through to the back and the minute we sat down at the simple table outside and saw that the specials board nailed to the yellow London stock brickwork was chalked with Pasta Bolognese and Tuscan sausage stew, he knew he was in a safe place for a discerning tummy. Meanwhile, the reassuring chatter of bona fide Italian conversation nearby indicated that we had possibly stumbled upon our own version of The Trip. Which of us would be Brydon and which Coogan? we mused as we rehearsed our best Alan Bennetts over a swiftly supplied aperitif: ‘Ooh, delightful Prosecco, Eyeore ...’ And I couldn’t help but notice that the lady with two very well-behaved children across the decking had just been handed a Negroni that matched the colour of the raging sunset above our heads. Isa suggested she bring us a selection of dishes to taste to save us the trouble of having to make a choice off a menu that read like a celestial wish-list. Her partner then checked to make sure we had no dislikes or allergies – indeed, the menu insists that diners communicate to the staff ‘any intolerance to

food.’ ‘No chance!’ we shouted ecstatically, nonetheless shocked by the very notion. They were busy, by heck, and a chef down, but in spite of the pressure, a munificent trencher of bresaola, rocket and parmesan landed between us. Drizzled with lemon oil, our taste-buds were dumbfounded – their boards of cured meat like prosciutto or mortadella and, or, cheese are clearly favourite with the regulars, some of whom were standing and eating at the counter. The salty aged beef was followed by a stack of deftly battered calamari fritti, as light and fleeting as phantoms, served with homemade tartar sauce. Fortunately there was a little basket of golden bread rolls – no sourdough in sight – to mop up the last of the tasty ghosts off the plate. Then just as dusk descended, so did the pasta. Salmon ravioli: beautiful shell-coloured purses decorously reclining in robiola sauce that we had to force ourselves to chew slowly so that we could at least try and savour the artistry in our mouths. While we endeavoured to pace our enthusiasm, the fashionably attired female couple beside us treated the whole garden to a selfie. As the bricks briefly flashed white, I commented that they definitely didn’t do that in The Trip. Cue the bookseller’s best Hugh Grant whinny and floppy haired iPhone face. Meanwhile, the Negroni lady had taken receipt of a tall avocado salad that was like a grand, green studded coronet and a fanfare of laughter burst from the kitchen. Every table was taken inside, both downstairs and up, where the unpretentious theme of scrubbed wood, glass shades, undecorated walls and windows continued. 31

Then, we were brought the sausage and polenta. Dio mio. Hailing from Lecco (the other side of Lake Como) and learning her craft from her mother, Isa is a really, really good cook. Each tender yet firm forkful of pork and herbs combined with an equally confident and flavoursome slice of Taragna polenta had us plain old swooning, it was just too damn delicious for facetious accents. This was Italian food at its stripped down and unembellished best. We had been so distracted that we’d barely managed a sip of the eminently suitable aromatic Neprica that Riccardo matched to the meat for us. Isa may come from a northern region and Riccardo from nearby Saronno, Lombardy, but they aren’t precious. As reflected in the menu, they positively revel in the breadth of their home country’s culinary possibilities and as we pondered its astonishing diversity, the selfie ladies departed to be replaced by a mixed pair with unmistakeably North American accents who instantly ordered two dishes of Steak Tartare with balsamic caviar. And for those of you wincing at the thought of that particular delicacy (not me), not only was there plenty of imagination on offer for those who prefer a dinner without legs – pasta with gorgonzola & walnut or orecchiette al friarielli, which is a sort of baby broccoli – but they also even do a vegan tasting board. As usual, we swore we couldn’t manage pudding. Not the panna cotte with berries, not the vanilla affogato (I am also one of the few who can say no to tiramasu at any time, despite my greed). But they brought us the house dessert salami to share anyway. Rich and dusty, the diced biscuit and chocolate was the perfect way to end our trip. 32

Well, that’s what we thought but then Isa went one further by rounding it off with a Grappa each (though we could have chosen Amaretto, produced in Riccardo’s home district) to aid our digestion, obviously. Inevitably, as we released our shirt buttons, came our Trip-style competitive Caines, and feel at liberty to groan: ‘You’re only meant to blow the bloody doors off ...’ We realised everybody else had gone home. Isa finally sat down and explained that after the summer a new chef was coming to help and that they have plans to present special evenings with menus showcasing specific regions; their first anniversary comes around at the beginning of October as well, and they have no intention of marking it quietly. Everything is cooked from fresh, don’t expect slapdash. And if you go online, their website is characteristically inscrutable. If I have one criticism it is that the garden space that inspired the name of their brilliant restaurant could do with a little more colour but then again, it is as unadorned and straight-talking as the honest food served beneath its one lofty, leafy tree. But if they fed me like that every day, I’d come and do the gardening for free.

The Garden Gastro Bar 31 Knights Hill West Norwood SE27 0HS 020 3759 6961 thegardengastrobar.com @GardenGastroBar

Softly defined

Modern rows B Whatever the shape, it’s all about the shade says Louise Heywood

k so an eyebrow pencil may not be the most exciting beauty product, but once you have found the right one, especially if you have sparse or greying brows (or like me you over-plucked in the 90s) it will probably end up being one of your top three desert island products. Eyebrows have had a lot of publicity lately – both good (the power brow of Cara Delevingne) and bad (the very angular, very dark drawn-on stencils). You’ve heard it before but they really do frame your face, give you an instant eye-lift and I think somehow make you look more self-confident. So here’s the thing about eyebrows: ignore the colour of the hair on your head and instead look for a product that is one or two shades lighter than your eyebrow colour. Only use cool sludgy, ashy tones on eyebrows never anything too blonde, golden or chestnut, even for blondes or redheads. For fair to medium brows stick to pale taupe/khaki/grey colours, and if your brows are dark go for ashy browns and dark taupe (never black). There are a lot of eyebrow products in shades that won’t look good on anyone so this can be tricky – see my favourites list. Keep most of the colour around the arch with a minimal amount in the inner part – you want to have a gradual beginning and end to an eyebrow. Use a spoolie or clean mascara wand to blend through the powder or pencil and soften any harsh markings.

My Favourite Products for softly defined modern brows: Bobbi Brown Perfectly Defined Long-Wear Brow Pencil £29.50 Its pricey, I know, but it comes in eight great shades, so you will definitely find the right one for you. It lasts all day – a rare thing for a pencil – and it gives a soft effect largely thanks to the shape of the nib Stila Stay All Day Waterproof Brow Colour £16 I have been using this brilliant pen every day since it was sent to me a few months ago. It’s a translucent ink pen that can mimic individual hairs perfectly as well as generally define without ever looking harsh. Shade Medium is good for fair, medium and grey hair Bobbi Brown Brow Kit £36.00 Each set comes with two shades of powder which are spot on, plus a brush (fine but a bit rough) and tweezers (very good). It’s best to set powder with a clear or tinted gel. If you have very sparse or no brows, then I recommend a combination of a powder and the pen (see above), to give the most realistic and lasting result MAC Eye Brow £14.00 My favourite two shades are Fling and Lingering as everyone seems to be able to wear either one or the other – I have been using them on clients for years. Good for filling in small gaps as it has a fine point. The only downside is that it runs out quickly Rimmel Brow This Way Brow Styling Gel £3.99 Tinted gels are great for covering unwanted stray greys or just defining and fixing brows quickly. Available in three good shades. Wipe off the excess before applying. You can stay cheap with brow gel as it’s basically just hair gel with a wand

Louise Heywood provides one-to-one and group make-up lessons in Crystal Palace. louiseheywood.com 35

Photo by Shutterstock

Sue Williams recommends some September sizzlers to keep

your late summer garden looking good

I own a solace shut within my heart A garden full of many a quaint delight And warm with drowsy, poppied sunshine bright, Flaming with lilies out of whose cups dart Shining things With powdered wings. Here terrace sinks to terrace, arbors close, The ends of dreaming paths; a wanton wind Jostles the half-ripe pears, and then, unkind, Tumbles a-slumberin a pillar rose, With content, Grown indolent. Behind a wall by Amy Lowell (1912)

ate summer and thoughts of the English cottage garden turn to fulsome borders packed to the gunnels with heavilyblossomed, sweet-scented flowers. Winding pathways bordered by fragrant, fragrant lavender and tall spires of delphiniums and lupins reaching heavenward. I have never managed to keep a lupin for longer than about a week. As soon as it goes in the ground every mollusc within a 10-garden radius heads for its sweet flesh. Anyway mark my words dear Transmitter reader it’s easier said than done to create a cottage garden. Much easier. The early summer garden has youth on its side as plants throw up new growth and fresh foliage. By the time August comes round the beds and borders can appear patchy and parched. The poppies are blown, the lilies are spent, the hollyhocks are listing and all that seems to be thriving are the light pink chrysanthemums. Well … an exaggeration but I’ve never liked ‘chrysanths’ ... It takes a bit of thought (and forethought at that) to keep the garden looking cottagey from one end of the season to the other. There are some staples which will provide long lasting interest in the borders. Roses of course. If judiciously pruned and deadheaded, all summer the pruner will be repaid with almost continuous flowers. Likewise the hydrangea is a great late summer performer.

The Hydrangea paniculata ‘Candlelight’ has dark red upright stems which hold candle-like panicles of creamy white petals and will flower long in to the autumn. Agapanthus has done really well this year and this ‘African lily’ always injects a shot of drama into the garden. Also a spot of Chelsea chopping (Google can explain more here if necessary) encourages a repeat flowering in some plants. Perennial geraniums respond really well to this treatment and, if sheared down to almost ground level after the first flowers are spent, will revitalise really quickly and throw up new blooms. A good feed of liquid fertiliser will help the process. There are also some cracking perennials for August onwards which will refresh the parts that a Chelsea chop alone cannot. Lythrum or ‘loosestrife’ as it is more commonly known is a good doer in all respects. It is a tall plant with upright stems of small vivid blue flowers which is cat nip to the bees and butterflies who seek out its nectar. It is long flowering and will grow almost anywhere, which is always a bonus. It is clump forming and can reach up to five feet after a few years. It is also found in pink and white and will self-seed freely if not cut back after flowering. Liatris spicata is also wonderfully named ‘button snakewort’ and is a late summer performer. It has grass-like foliage but the flowers open out from the

top down in a bottle brush formation. It likes full sun and can reach about two feet in height. It does have a tendency to keel over after heavy rain or winds so a bit of support cane-wise might be necessary. It also acts as a magnet to bees and butterflies and can flower into October. Staying with the bluey purple theme is Verbena bonariensis. This is a more common sight at this time of year but for good reason. It is a statuesque plant with branching stems which hold a haze of small purple flowers. It is a statement plant as it can reach six to seven feet and so works well at the back of a border or in amongst tall grasses ... There are several different types of this ‘Argentinian vervain’ (should the question ever come up in a quiz) such as Verbena hastata which carries slender stems of purple buds which open out from the base. Also Verbena rigida which I have just planted for the first time this year; it is much shorter but flowers more densely and for up to four months. Marvellous. Happy gardening

We’ve all seen it before: the staring, the swirling, the sniffing. But just what are those wine-tasters actually doing? Melanie Reeve reveals all

Sight

Hold your wine glass by the stem or the base so that you can see the wine and avoid transferring aromas from your hand to the bowl. Handling the bowl can also cause a white wine to warm up. Take a look at the wine – it is usual for it to appear bright and clear. The colour of wine doesn’t fall neatly into two categories – white and red. White wine in youth can range from virtually colourless to lemon, straw or gold. A young red wine tends to have either a ruby or purple hue. In time, a wine’s colour will progress to tawny brown, gradually deepening in colour in the case of a white wine, and progressively losing colour in the case of a red. While still observing the wine, swirl it round in the glass – it can be easier to do this on a flat surface – and watch the trails of wine falling down inside the glass. These are the legs of the wine which are an indicator of alcohol content: the more legs, the higher the alcohol. If your legs are fast, this denotes a dry wine, whereas slower legs indicate a sweeter wine owing to the higher sugar content (think of the slow passage of honey or treacle in a jar).

Smell

In order to assess this, swirl the wine again to release the aromas. The aromas of wine can be likened to things with which we are familiar – for example fruit, flowers, vegetables or spices. White wine may have citrus aromas, whereas red wine can remind us of red and black fruits. Spend a few moments swirling and nosing the wine with reference to the aromas highlighted in bold above. 38

When you are choosing a wine to buy for the first time, it’s usual to be guided by a tasting note, maybe in the form of a shelf note, or on the back label of the bottle. We might be drawn to a wine described as tasting of ‘peach and butterscotch’ or ‘barbecued blackcurrants and cigarbox’ depending on your taste! Are these just fanciful descriptors? Wine goes through many chemical changes in its journey from grape to glass and aromas develop as a result of this. It’s perhaps surprising – considering the raw material of the wine – that ‘grapey’ aromas are rare! See the box right for an idea of what a faulty wine would smell like.

Taste

When you’ve got an idea of the wine’s aromas, take a sip to get an initial impression. It is actually our sense of smell that deciphers flavour – more properly aroma – so in order to taste the wine fully we can’t rely on our taste buds alone and need to try a slightly different approach. Take another sip, tilt your head forward and draw air into your mouth, moving the wine around your mouth as you do so. You’ll notice that the flavours seem more intense as our sense of smell is now fully engaged. Think about your impressions of the wine: how does it link to what you found when you nosed the wine? What fruit flavours can you taste? Does the wine have any spice notes? Other things to notice are: how light or heavy does the wine feel in your mouth (body)? How much does it make your mouth water (acidity)? How long do the flavours persist (length)? Follow these steps to help you get the most out of the wines you try. Melanie Reeve is a local wine tutor – find her on facebook.com/Wine Alive @WineAlive

Photo by Shutterstock

While it’s true to say that no one needs my help drinking wine, let’s talk about how to really taste it. The ideal tasting measure means you have plenty of space in the glass to swirl the wine around – so why not pour a sample and follow along? We can break it down into three steps.

What does a faulty wine smell like?

It depends on the fault. Vinegar off-notes mean that either the wine has been open too long or air has affected the wine via a faulty seal. Corked wine can smell flat and musty â&#x20AC;&#x201C; the result of a fungus affecting the cork bark, with a new compound called TCA formed by subsequent treatment, which gives the wine a pronounced taint

w C ro ll e r kse oo @B

Autumn reading recommendations from Crystal Palace bookseller Jonathan Main

pparently, along with his Spotify playlists, Barack Obama took a copy of All The Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr (Fourth Estate £8.99) on holiday with him. I too also took All the Light We Cannot See on holiday with me and it turned out to be a big, cinematic American novel with plenty of plot and a propulsive, many layered narrative. It tells the story of Marie-Laure Leblanc the young blind daughter of the keeper of the locks at the Museum of Natural History in Paris, and Werner Pfennig a young German orphan and science prodigy forced to go to work for the Reich. Over the course of the war, their stories converge. In 1940 Marie-Laure and her father flee Paris for Saint-Malo to the house of her great-uncle Etienne. Etienne has been recluse since the first war, but, with his brother had once made radio broadcasts that had transfixed Werner and his sister when – by the sort of coincidence that is allowed in this kind of book – they had listened to them, on a radio that Werner had taught himself to repair. Werner’s own broadcasting skills and his aptitude for trigonometry see him travel across Russia and Central Europe identifying resistance broadcasts, until eventually he arrives in Saint-Malo at the point in history when allied bombing raises most of the city to the ground. Add to this a plot that involves a diamond with mythical powers and many references to Jules Verne and you have an almost perfect book for the POTUS to pack alongside his Speedos, I hope he liked it.

Infinite Home by Kathleen Alcott (Borough Press £14.99) is another American novel that has made a big impression on me this year. A disparate and socially-challenged group of misfits live in a Brooklyn brownstone, sheltered by the largesse of Edith, their widowed landlady – a big, bluff Irish husband called Declan is still very much a presence in the house and Edith’s mind. But Edith is slowly and then not so slowly losing her grip on things. Her daughter has disappeared to California and as her mind deteriorates her son Owen, a property developer, sees an opportunity to take over the building. The house’s residents, an agoraphobe, a failed stand-up comic, an artist recovering from a stroke, a man with a developmental disorder and his burdened sister, must all rise up to this challenge, or else face the loss of their home. There is a warmth to this book and a forgivable low-key kookiness – it is set in Brooklyn after all – and Alcott writes a beautiful sentence. Less warm, but no less compelling is the Booker longlisted Did You Ever Have a Family (curiously, no question mark) by Bill Clegg (Jonathan Cape £12.99) which from its very first sentence offers a carefully constructed exercise in closure. On the eve of her daughter’s wedding June Reid’s Connecticut house goes up in flames killing her daughter, her daughter’s fiancé, her ex-husband and her boyfriend. Directly after the funerals June drives away from the town with only

the clothes she is wearing and a cash card. Various characters – the boyfriend’s mother, the father of the not-to-be bride – narrate the book and offer up their own vulnerability and secrets before reclaiming June from her grief. It is very deftly done and will appeal to fans of Anne Tyler, for instance. Anthony Doerr (see left) is one of the stand out picks in the 750- page brick of an anthology New American Stories (Granta £14.99) which also includes new work by such celebrated writers as Robert Coover, Don DeLillo and Joy Williams, along with some newer but equally exciting younger writers such as Wells Tower and Rebecca Lee. According to the editor Ben Marcus You have to stare a story down until it wobbles, yields, then catapults into your face. Altogether there are 32 opportunities collected here, ready and waiting for just such an occasion.

Evie Wyld is the author of two novels, After the Fire, a Still Small Voice and All the Birds, Singing both partly set in Australia. Everything is Teeth (Jonathan Cape £16.99) is a graphic memoir illustrated by Joe Sumner of her childhood spent with her extended family on a farm in New South Wales. The teeth belong to the sharks that may or may not swim in the waters near the farm and also, as one panel puts it towards the latter part of the book, to the ebb and flow of life and, eventually, death. It is both melancholy and subtle and a life-affirming treat.

In Max Porter’s Grief is the Thing with Feathers (Faber £10.00) the thing with feathers is a big black crow who has somehow escaped from another book called Crow. A recently widowed father, a Ted Hughes scholar, and his two sons are in deep mourning for the sudden loss of their wife and mother when Crow swaggers into their flat and their life to cajole and commiserate and help them heal. Part novella, part Beckettian wail, this playful, spirited performance of words on a page had me more than once ducking from the catapult within. 41

Photo by CF Wesenberg

It’s been a barren few months for exotic new World Music, but Howard Male still manages to find two challenging new releases from independently-minded acts that deserve your attention ate summer is always a quiet period for new releases. But I’ve managed to find a couple of quality albums to make the drawing in of the nights a little easier to take, while giving you pause for thought about the changing role of women in other corners of the globe. First up we have a band with members hailing from Mozambique, Norway, Sweden and Zimbabwe. This would generally lead one to suspect the usual ‘world fusion’ meze of some cool jazz, some spicy reggae, a smidgen of Ska, a Balkan beat or two and the polyrhythms of various African countries functioning as the icing on the cake. But that’s not what we have here. Yes, the cool jazz plays its part, but the subtle bedrock of Monoswezi’s sound is the hypnotic click, ring and buzz of the Zimbabwean mbira (or thumb piano). Thanks to the polluting influence of Christian missionaries this humble instrument was long thought of as pagan and therefore (illogically enough) women were forbidden from playing it. In the early 1970s the legendary Stella Chiweshe – under threat of imprisonment – boldly pinged its multiple metal bars to startling effect and gradually other women have followed in her footsteps. The latest of these women is Monoswezi’s compelling lead vocalist Hope Masike. Monoswezi Yanga (Riverboat Records) is the band’s third album. It’s also their best. This is largely because although they enjoy experimenting with what they can sonically achieve with an unusual line-up (which also features double bass, sax, drums and percussion), they are never self-indulgent and their primary focus is on strong melodies and cohesive song structure. In a recent radio interview Ms Masike stated that the mbira has recently become quite a trendy instrument with female musicians in Zimbabwe (much as the ukulele has here). And while this seems a fairly insignificant development in isolation, one can only hope it is symptomatic of more fundamental changes in attitudes towards outdated superstitions and the role of women in the society as a whole.

Also out on Riverboat Records last month was a powerful debut from a young Algerian singer, dancer, actress and composer. The album’s title Quoi D’Autre? enigmatically translates as ‘What else?’ The response to this question might be ... I think you’ve got it all covered. For over the course of a dozen songs that vary considerably in mood and intent, Karima Nayt has done an extraordinary job of exploring both her own psyche and the ills of her society. There’s a song about the unenviable struggles of the refugee. Another that voices a father’s grief at the horrors he witnessed during the Algerian War of Independence. A third that tackles the subjugation of women in Islam society. And finally – as an ironic yet somehow inevitable result of this subjugation – Sans Dignite is a song about the increasing prevalence of American-style readymade pop stars on Arabic cable channels. And yet despite all this artist’s justifiable grievances, this is not a maudlin record. Sprightly accordion and sweeping strings accompanies many of the tango-tinged tracks and Nayt’s throaty mercurial voice singing in Arabic, French and Algerian expresses a spectrum of emotions. We have a tendency to talk about the progressive JudeoChristian West in relation to a Muslim world still mired in medieval primitivism. Yet you’d be hard pushed to find a successful mainstream female artist in the US or UK tackling her culture’s ills and her own anxieties as lucidly and powerfully as Nayt does on this fine album. So come on Rita, Miley and Rihanna – let’s hear some catchy little ditties from you on corruption in the White House, or the three-steps-back objectification of women that you so blithely perpetuate in your (lack of) dress sense. It’s just not going to happen is it? Howard Male is the author of the murder mystery Etc Etc Amen (available from The Bookseller Crow). His new novel Serious Fun can be purchased from etcetcamen.com

MYSTIC MIKE’S

r o t s l o t g e P CORNER y VIRGO

Posh Pets

The Virgin Aug 21 - Sep 20

You will soon perform an ‘altruistic’ act, but subsequently you will make damn sure everybody knows all about it on social media.

LIBRA The Scales Sep 21 - Oct 20

With Saturn cusping in your sign, you’re like the sullen chimp in the corner of the zoo lazily lobbing its dung towards irritating children.

SCORPIO The Hunter Oct 21 - Nov 20

Outwardly you look kind of intelligent. But I can hear the thoughts in your head and they are 87.3% about what foodstuff you’re going to eat next.

Pony With the tri-cuspal phase of Venus increasing your erogenous sensitivity, be wary as you are rubbed down all over with soft brushes and your mane and tail hair lovingly de-tangled with the delicate fingers of twin stable girls. As a consequence you get an absolutely outrageous engorgement that makes them blush and giggle. One of them touches it. Picture a manky old Shire horse to prevent a horrific accident.

SAGITTARIUS The Archer Nov 21 - Dec 20

I’m channelling your dog and he says he refuses to do that even if you do smear peanut butter on it.

Pot bellied pig CAPRICORN The Goat(ee) Dec 21 - Jan 20

Venus moves into your career zone but awkwardly you don’t actually possess one.

You hogs basically want to spend all day everyday rooting, scratching and wallowing this month but your trendy owner insists on showing you off by dragging you round the shops wearing that stupid lead and harness that cuts into your skin folds. As if that wasn’t enough, you face the prospect of raging nipple chaff due to squat legs - all ten teats grazed raw from the pavement.

Mystic Mike is omnipresent but you can interact with him here: 44

mysticmike.co.uk

@mrmysticmike

Favourite Pets

AQUARIUS The Water Carrier Jan 21 - Feb 20

As Aquarians are all fat without exception, your bloated faces will be illuminated by the sad yellow light of the refrigerator late this Saturday night.

PISCES The Haddock Feb 21 - Mar 20

Dog This month, according to my Zodianimal charts, romance is on the cards for pooches. In the park you encounter a bitch on heat and give her booty a sexy sniff making your lipstick come out. You run and play together but you then come across an abandoned kebab and dump her for it. Eating that makes you sick, which you then eat. It’s no wonder you can’t keep your bitches.

People have been avoiding you and you don’t know why. It’s because your spirit animal has done a massive poop and it’s wafting out via your transcendental aura.

ARIES The Ram Mar 21 - Apr 20

Cat Your ascendant planet Mercury governs communication, intellectual interaction, healing and transmission of spiritual knowledge. So take up position on the piano stool with your delicate paws placed on the keys as if you are just about to play Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D Minor. Just as your owner prepares to film this internet sensation, instead, stick your back leg behind your ear and give your bum hole an audible raspy lick for half an hour before lazily wafting off as if someone farted.

Goldfish You will be happy today. You will be happy today. You will be happy today. You will be happy today. You will be happy today. You will be happy today. You will be happy today. You will be happy today. You will be happy today. You will be happy today. You will be happy today. You will be happy today. You will be happy today. You die today.

Small Pets Hamster Flirty Neptune is retrograde this month, presenting herself like a cheap strumpet by reversing into your sign. As a consequence romance hangs pendulously in the air. So when a neighbour’s hamster is put in your cage while the owners are away, it does not escape your notice that she is buff and totally up for it. By the time they return you have put eighteen babies inside her. How’s that for heavy ‘petting’.

You must now finally come to terms with the fact that scoring the winning goal in the world cup is unlikely. You can’t even score against your future son in the garden when he’s older than three.

TAURUS The Bull Apr 21 - May 20

After the human race is entirely and exclusively uploaded on to the web (2437) Taureans still manage to become clinically ‘e’bese through ‘e’ting disorders.

GEMINI The Twins May 21 - Jun 20

You will soon have a near death experience. No, there’s no iridescent white light and beckoning hand from a compassionate whitebearded face, it will be flames and screaming all the way for you.

CANCER The Crab Jun 21 - Jul 20

You are like a strong tree in the forest. Brainless and wooden with some areas of moss growth.

LEO The Lion Jul 21 - Aug 20

A work colleague will sit quietly at home tonight, weeping over the memory of the scent of your hair. 45

Lonely Heart

by Pip Irkin-Hall

Man, 45 Into sports, scratching, home brew and Top Gear. WLTM lady with following traits for fun times: Cooks like Nigella, Hips of Shakira, Boobs like Beyoncé, Bootie like Kim, Chin of Knightley, Wealth of Winfrey, Tough like Tilda, Talent of Streep, Legs of Theron, Heels of Thurman, Brains of Bakewell, Belly of Bardot, Lips like Jolie, Skin of Berry, Ballsy like Barrymore, Frisky as Miley, Wit of Toksvig, Fit as Furtado, Thighs like Lopez, Eyes of Diaz, Petite as Portman, Perky as Parton, Funky like Pink, Spunky as Minaj, Arty like Emin, Party like Spears, Stoic as Swift, Stylish as Di, Chassis of Monroe, Classy as Lumley, Feisty like Mirren, Firm as Merkel. Box No 1347 South London area, will not travel.

ONE NIGHT STAND

@ ECONOMYCUSTARD | ECONOMYCUSTARD.CO.UK

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