ISSUE “SMOKING IS ONE OF THE LEADING CAUSES OF STATISTICS.” —Fletcher Knebel, American Wise-ass VINCENT CHAVEZ
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COLLEEN BROWN
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TORIE RIVERA
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VIN’S TWO ’CENTS
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Contributors: JON BOLIN, TANYA PAZ, JOSEPH PHILLIPS, CHRISTINA CHEN, KEVIN NG, MICHAEL WOOD, WES VERNER, LILI DOVE, SIERRA PATHEAL, WES YOUNG, ERIC BRYAN, RAMIRO PEREZ, DAVID CASARRUBIAS, TYLER DEAN, CAMILLE HOVE, JOVANNA MADRIGAL, STEPHANIE TSUI, ALLISON GOERTZ, AARON SMITH, JOE RASHIDI, CHRIS JIMENEZ, JAMIE PEREZ, KIMBERLY TORREZ, DAVID NARVAEZ, FIONA IRVINE Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union Weekly, not ASI, or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
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H
ey Chris Kirkpatricks, the smoking debate blazes on this week. I received not one, but one and a half letters in response to the duet of smoking articles we published in the last two weeks. This debate strikes at the heart of America: one side claims free will and the other begs for legislation in the name of safety and health. Prepare yourself, because if this thing gets anymore heated, it’s going to burn right through the paper. I mean, there’s no quitting now! SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Smoking Puns May Cause Death, Shortness of Breath, and Expected Pregnancy Dear Union writer David Casarrubias, This letter is in response to the article on smoking on campus. If smoking is banned on campus, alcohol and unhealthy, fatty foods are surely next. Student’s getting drunk or even tipsy during class hours is not only a sign of possible addiction, but sad and actually worse for student’s health! Smokers certainly know the dangers of drinking and smoking…but, it’s a choice we make. So, if you think smokers will give up easily, you
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ROSE FEDUK COMICS EDITOR
are sadly mistaken. If people continue to try and legislate people’s behavior, we are in deep trouble and soon will live in a police state. Is this what student’s want? If smoking bothers you, go elsewhere, it’s a huge campus! And you don’t own the air. —Cynthia Schultheis, Staff Member of 20 years
convincing reason than “You’re slowly giving me cancer” in order to persuade them to quit. Perhaps if they adhered to the policy, students wouldn’t push for such extreme anti-smoking measures.
Yes, Toke-ahontes, you tell him. He don’t own the air, the earth ain’t just some dead thing he can claim, and the heron and otter are your friends, not his! On a serious note, you bring up an excellent point about free will. Smoking is a choice. Just like breathing and using the slippery slope fallacy. If this Sensitive Samuel doesn’t want to breathe your poison air, he can walk his hypersensitive immune system somewhere else. I mean, this is still America, isn’t it? If someone wants to pollute their body, that is their choice, others’ health be damned. Sarcasm aside, I agree that David’s no-smoking on campus policy is a tad too extreme, not to mention implausible. Smokers are going to need a far more
This one isn’t really a letter, so much as a comment. But it was sent with the original article, “Secondhand Snide,” clipped from the paper (with the text “some of us are assholes” underlined in blue ink) and a note with the message enclosed. I have to respect the time and effort it must have taken to read the article, underline the aforementioned phrase, cut the article from the paper, write the note, place both in an envelope, Google “how to mail a letter,” purchase a stamp, place the stamp on the envelope, and then send the whole thing to us. Your assessment of our contributor, Michael Wood, may be a bit harsh, but nevertheless, well played, Mr. Kiddlehopper. Well played.
Michael Wood: You’re an asshole! —Clyde Kiddlehopper
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WANT TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE HERE’S HOW:
1. Read the Union. You’re already doing this. So far so good.
2. Come to a Meeting. Every Tuesday at 7pm in the NEW Union Office. Now with fewer rats. (Next to the pool tables in the USU)
3. Write an Article. This step is pretty important, so don’t forget to do it. Seriously, write yourself a note.
SEND ALL QUESTIONS AND COMMENTS TO EDITORINCHIEF@LBUNION.COM UNION WEEKLY
1 OCTOBER 2012
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OPINIONS
AN OPEN LETTER TO A GROUP OF GENTLEMEN OR WHY DRUNK ASSHOLES SHOULD DIE IN TIRE FIRES JOHN VILLANUEVA
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MUSIC EDITOR
am here to personally extend an offer of gratitude to the three gentlemen I encountered during a late night excursion with friends one week ago. These gentlemen, I’m sure unaware, displayed a level of courtesy unseen since days long ago. Their gracious acts touched me, literally, so I in turn will display my form of affection through the power of the press, in hopes to reach out to soldiers of civility. I hope these fine men, with their limitless compassion and limited grasp of language, find this and are made aware of their contribution to society and future contribution to a slimy anal raped hell that they so deserve. Maybe by writing this, they will find that their actions have not gone unnoticed and they will be lauded with all the gifts that their dead mothers never got them. Maybe they’ll be attracted by the pretty pictures and think (if they can), “Me dumb, touch my pee pee.” With that goal in mind, I, John Villanueva, Music Editor of the Union Weekly, raise a toast to these fine fellows. To the fellow in the hoodie, for your constant pursuit of acceptance. I’m sure the years you spent in pigfuck Alabama petting your racist grandmother had you yearning for a freedom that until now you could only dream of. All those years of reaching in your uncle’s pockets for money, only to find he had no underwear on, had you wishing somewhere in the back of your mind, “If only I could become a cholo so I can wear wifebeaters and drink Tecate.” Now, sir, that dream is achieved. Not only
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ROSE FEDUK COMICS EDITOR
have you gained friends of the retarded variety, you have gone the extra mile and have failed miserably in your attempt to emulate them. It is an honest effort, unlike your stealthy concealment of any moral principles (and penis; I made a joke about your penis because you’re too fucking stupid to understand subtlety, dickhead). I applaud the effort, and while I know it’s a long road, I know you’ll reach that same stupid plateau. Who knows, maybe you’ll even be as good at mindless violence as them? But that’ll be a long way off, because you got knocked the fuck out like a bitch. To the fellow with that miserable fauxhawk. I appreciate the dedication to your friends, goading them on to attack us for no reason. Your war cry sends shivers into the hearts of the single mothers you mug. Your aggressive ambiguous sexuality is something I admire. Working the corner and mugging single mothers in order to pay for that abortion that your mother should have had. You are a man, steadfast and unwavering, with an eye on the prize and a heart not within your person, you march on. Or slink; that’s how assholes do it. Also, plugs are stupid. You look dumb and they make your ears smell. Finally, to the leader: you talked game and you were able to back it up. You left my friend with a shiner, probably harkening back to the days you spent with your alcoholic father. Your attire was sharp: stained basketball shorts from your time alone and an oversized shirt that made it look like you were two midgets stacked
on top of each other. Your bravery set a shining example to all those who have imbibed and thought, “I live an arbitrary existence. Shuddering, I step forth into isolation, awaiting oblivion. I live my life as a blink in the eye of the universe. I set forth wondering, grasping at a means to define myself as an individual in a cold and desolate plane. Fuck it, I’m gonna drink a shit ton and fuck random people up.” You, sir, are a gentleman and a scholar. With a forty and your GED in hand, you set out to
conquer your low-paying job until you die alone and unloved. Okay, what I’m trying to say is: fuck you guys. You guys were assholes and attacked us without provocation outside of Hole Mole. You probably don’t even go here because you didn’t get into college BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKING STUPID. I hate you, go die in a hole filled with your dreams and aspirations, vomit, and do the world a favor. The pen is mightier than the sword, fuckers.
AMUSING OURSELVES TO DEATH AN APPLE PRODUCT A DAY KEEPS THE WITHDRAWALS AWAY WESLEY YOUNG CONTRIBUTOR
The release of the newest iPhone continues to dominate news headlines this week. After all, it’s the next progression in our favorite pastime, tech obsession. I don’t think it’s hard to see that the habits of our generation, the most tech savvy of generations, caused a trend across all ages. But, what some might call a trend, others might call an epidemic. It has become beyond the norm to walk into any given room and see half the people there staring blankly at their cell phones. The release of this mesmerizing iPhone contributes to how this era is seen to be man’s greatest period of technological innovation ever. But what’s the trade-off for this progress? Is it contributing at all to the substantance of our lives? It’s a given that the year’s new, hot electronics always come with a steep price tag. Does technology really progress so much to justify the price? People are so
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consumed by their toys that they can’t tell when a company is giving them the shaft. You’re really going to shell out hundreds of dollars for something when the only arguable difference is that it’s a few grams lighter this year? Judging by how little phones leave their owner’s hands, I don’t think weight was a concern. And how much denial does it require to continue investing in a company that makes all your previous purchases obsolete with the simple changing of a plug? When it comes down to it, people are pouring their savings into something that fuels the worst of their character: wrathful Facebook fights, greedy Farmville tycoons, slothful time wasting, vain self portraits, envious and lustful social profile stalking, and gluttonous news feed hogging. People visit with friends online as much as they do businesses, which are nothing more than salesmen in casual clothing. Has our love
of technology limited human endeavor to superficial advancements? The variety of uses for phones has led people to get so attached to their handheld devices that they’ve become little more than walking satellites. However, every new milestone isn’t enough to fulfill the human spirit and those objects instantly get replaced by the bigger and better. For example, when will people’s houses no longer be big enough to store their giant ass TVs in? Yet, there are still those that say, “Oh, brave new world that has such gadgets in it!” It seems more like we’re oppressing our own freedom than improving our lives. Would Einstein have unravelled the world’s mysteries if he was busy on Instagram looking at what you just ate? Designers think they’re facilitating human growth but really we are losing so much of our heritage. It is now a world where a book
can’t just simply be a book, a photo no longer a photo. A photograph was once the physical manifestation of a memory; that sole ink & paper entity was all that stood between forgetting and remembering. Memories are digital now. We no longer soak in the colors of the worn photo, we worship our memories stored in bytes and pixels. There’s no sanctity in printing out these pixels onto paper and calling it a photo. There’s an infinite amount of copies that can be made from it. We change things and pretend they’re the same. Technology isn’t about entertainment anymore. Its taken over our minds, our conversation, and our relationships. What’s the matter with just being preoccupied in thought when you’re out in public? Technological development is great, but I think we can do better than feeding a pointless addiction that doesn’t give much in return.
OPINIONS
ENVISIONING ENVIROBIZ PARADOX, FREE ENTERPRISE, AND GOING GREEN LILI DOVE CONTRIBUTOR
Let’s take a closer look at the concept of paradox. A commonly accepted definition is that it means two contradictory ideas that do not seem to go together, like popular opinion and radical thought, for example. The definition I found online states, “it is a statement or proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth.” Let’s look at a pair of ducks, one black and one white. The popular fable talks about the beauty of the white swan, and the unaccepted ugly black duckling. In reality, most ducks are grey. Whether it is because there was once an equal amount of black ducks to white ducks or whether the small presence of one color profoundly influenced the other is a subject I will leave to biologists. I am going to assume it is the latter, as is the case in general life when it comes to spheres of influence or mixing paint. I’m studying logistics. We just learned about the “Just in Time” paradox, which discusses the irony that we rely on huge, slow steam ships to deliver products faster than ever before. In general, I find the business world to be full of paradox and irony. The idea that bigger is better is the foundation for most of the decisions that have been made with regard to economic policy, but it ignores the idea that when things get too large, they explode. In fact, there seems to be no easier way for big banks to profit off the little guy than by encouraging over-consumption and then
penalizing him for it later. This leads to another interesting paradox: government and federal spending keeps growing but citizens are less protected than ever even if they do get more personal aid. This divide and conquer strategy has let two opposing parties create the same mess continuously for decades. It’s not really a question of big or little government, but effective government for the people more than for corporations, who are essentially a collective of people who already get a vote as individuals. Free enterprise is personally my favorite twisted concept. If advocates are so interested in a free enterprise system, why are big businesses spending so much money to own political and judicial opinion? Tunnel vision has created an era where businesses are so narrowly focused on profits, it’s if they are wearing blinders in a horse race. The goal is to win at all costs, and it’s met by obscuring the vision of outlying possibilities. When a horse can’t see anything but the finish line, it gets there faster, but imagine a horse track owner who didn’t limit the amount of horses in the race to the amount of lanes on the track. It would be chaos, kind of like pumping too much oil non-stop through a little shaft in the bottom of the ocean. After a few horses break their ankles, or too many dead fish float to the top, it is a little too late to prevent the problem. History has shown that everything too big or too narrow bursts, yet this is not
part of the economic or profit equation. Sometimes it is also not part of the academic equation. Cross-referencing of ideologies within disciplines positively affects future leaders. Not training a businessman or an engineer to consider the environment would be like not training medical professionals to have patient sensitivity beyond the scope of a finger prick. The upside to a down economy is that businesses are finally more willing to look at the same issues that environmentalists have been concerned about. Negative earnings help CEOs think outside of the box to which they are accustomed. It might not be the reason that excites the environmentalist most, but it still fosters mutual alignment of goals to create win-win situations. The best I can do to influence direct decisions is to vote for those I think agree with my way of thinking. Like I said in my last article, I should try to understand what they really think, not just judge them based on some sound byte where language is used to make me think they agree with my philosophies although they don’t. In fact, I just learned this week, through a very interesting guest lecturer, that one negotiating tactic is to agree with your adversary so that later you can use their agreement as a way to lure them to your side of the argument. No doubt, many politicians and businessmen have run the numbers on this skill and have it down to a science. That’s why I am so
happy to hear there is slowly but surely coming into existence an agreement of the minds from the interdisciplinary fields of environmental science and the supply chain industry, no matter how or why we got there. All I can do is my part, and hope my small efforts aggregate with others to create a big impact. This is why the little things matter. It helps me not to judge the CEO, for one thing. My using disposable utensils over and over is not much different than he/she ignoring everything but the bottom line over and over. We all have to eat. But one idea I got this week is to start carrying around my own spoon and fork so I don’t need disposable silverware. If I don’t want to look like a total misfit, carrying around a silver spoon in my pocket, I can carry around the disposable one I got yesterday when I bought the same yogurt parfait for breakfast that I will undoubtedly buy tomorrow. One small step for humanity is not going to make an impact on my satchel or wallet, but it could have a big impact in helping reduce the growing problem of disposable waste if we all decide to pitch in toward the solution. After reading this, some of you may ask, what is my point? My point is that the big picture is the little picture, and the little picture is the big picture. It’s all one picture held together by a cleaner ocean with a bluer sky as the limit as long as we work together.
AND I’M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN WHERE AT LEAST I HAVE FREE THOUGHT DAVID CASARRUBIAS CONTRIBUTOR
By now most of us, have heard about the distasteful Muslim depiction video circling the web. The video sparked riots throughout the Middle East and Muslim world, even leading to the death of an American ambassador. Most people’s first reactions would be to find the creator of the film and sanction him for his actions; but what does America do? Well, President Obama, at the 67th session of the United Nations General Assembly, spoke out defending freedom of speech, and personally, I celebrate his efforts. It is true that the video sparking anti-American violence across the world is in fact disrespectful and deserving of President Obama’s condemnation; however, President Obama was very graceful when addressing the matter. Instead of vowing to sanction the creators of the video, President Obama urged the Islamic world to embrace the ideas of
freedom of speech and expression. He was quoted saying “I accept that people are going to call me awful things every day. And I will always defend their right to do so.” When the president of our country concedes the right of people to have opinions, it sends a strong message to the rest of the world, and to us here at home, that every human being by nature of their being is entitled to an opinion. In fact, it is because of this right that a contributor like myself can sit down and place my thoughts together on paper while expressing my opinions freely. This right, I believe, is often overlooked, trampled, and in the case of the riots around the world, condemned with violence. President Obama suggested those offended by the video to grow a thicker skin and have an open mind about ideas. Suppression of thought, expression, inquiry, and creativity are detrimental to
the human being itself. Having an opinion is, or should be, a universally accepted idea that goes hand in hand with being an individual. It is expressing those opinions that people have trouble swallowing. The moment a reader, listener, or viewer hears, reads, or sees something that they dislike, they instantly want to condemn it, similar to how the rioters attacked our embassies abroad. What these close-minded people don’t realize is that when an attempt to suppress speech occurs, the speaker will react with more speech; this was the statement given to the heads of state at the U.N. meeting by our President. If our Commander in Chief believes in the protection and expression of speech, why do people still question opinion? The reason for having the freedom of speech and freedom of the press in the First Amendment of the Constitution is to
promote the idea of a double-sided coin. If the people were only ever exposed to the “head of the coin,” the side that wraps everything up into a perfect cupcake with sprinkles, they would be deprived of an honest perspective. The reality is that opinion exposes the “tail of the coin,” the side that brings to light issues and inquisition. It is then, after both sides have been exposed to the people, that each individual considers both positions and makes their own conclusions as to their own beliefs and attitudes regarding the coin. I applaud our President’s efforts to make clear to the world that opinion should not be feared and that America represents the idea of preserving that right. I only hope that his message not only transcends the walls of anti-Americanism abroad, but also serves a reminder to all Americans at home that we reserve this right and that it is our duty to preserve it. UNION WEEKLY
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NEWS
“OFF THE BEAT’N PATH” GETS JAZZY A DESIGN INSTALLATION THAT DEMANDS ATTENTION BRIANNE SCHAER
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NEWS DIRECTOR
t’s so easy for students to withdraw into their own world, oblivious to what’s going on around them. Between sipping a cup of coffee and checking for new text messages on the way to class (which started about 6 minutes ago) the campus can become a sort of highway where nobody really slows down to look around and appreciate their surroundings. A group of senior design students aimed to change this daily grind by using a class project as a tool to make an impact on passerby. Their installation, titled “Off the Beat’n Path,” is located in the smoking patio between the Library and the AS Building. It features an array of silhouette cutouts portraying different musicians centered behind a string of chords with speakers (like music notes) and topped with Christmas lights with dangling umbrellas. The speakers play a live stream of KJazz, which is located right behind the installation. One of the project goals is to create an intervention of space—a bold gesture to force people to stop for a moment. “Everybody who walks by loves it,” said Kevin Stojakovich, one of the group members. “Everybody wants it to stay up indefinitely. I haven’t heard one negative thing about it yet.” The installation has piqued the interest of many passersby and if one of the designers is present, they are bombarded with questions of its purpose or comments of its beauty and intrigue. The group wanted to bring attention to KJazz, noting that not all students realize the national radio station is broadcast on campus. Jazz music was an ever-present medium for two of the group members, Aaron Smith and Lesley Brown. Smith often listened to the genre with his father, and Brown’s grandpa was in a jazz band. “Jazz is an influence for many types of
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AARON SMITH CONTRIBUTOR
music,” said Smith. “Most things you listen to on the radio can be traced back to jazz.” Some of the KJazz DJs and employees have also commented on the installation, its innovation, and the way the group of students used the space to bring attention to KJazz and jazz music. “The fact they approached us to highlight the station, jazz music, and jazz musicians is very inspiring and very helpful,” said Denise Maynard, KJazz operations coordinator. “It shows there are students that are trying to bring awareness to this art form.” In order to generate more attention toward the project, 12 more silhouettes will be scattered throughout campus on Monday. When people see these silhouettes and then see the main installation near the
Library, they may connect everything as one aesthetic. The installation’s location is a spot that people tend to rush past without giving it a second thought. “We were looking for places that people don’t notice, a sort of dead zone,” Smith said. After the location was determined and the set-up began, the project continued to evolve as other details, like the hanging umbrellas, were added. “It just transformed,” said Brenda Castillejos, another group member. “It kept changing every time until we decided on this spot and it just took off.” The umbrellas were added to create shadows and shade, making the otherwise sun-stricken area a nice place to sit and hang out. They can also be seen from a distance, drawing more attention to the
installation as people head over to find out what the umbrellas are doing there. During the setup, the group, consisting of Castillejos, Smith, Brown, Stojakovich and Nicole Pedrotti, recruited anyone willing to help move the seemingly 1,000-pound concrete benches about five feet forward to set up the installation. People constantly approached the group to chat or ask questions. The official presentation is Monday at 5 p.m. “The feedback has been inspiring. It kept us going,” Brown said. The installation serves as both a conversation starter and landmark to ponder over. This level of interaction brought the project to an entirely new level, and the longer the conversation can continue, the better.
HIP HIP HURRY!
COME CHEER ON THE RUNNERS PASSING THROUGH CAMPUS JOSEPH PHILLIPS CONTRIBUTOR
This Sunday is the Long Beach International City Bank Marathon, and runners will be dragging their tired bodies through our campus. There have been more than 28 marathons in the area since its conception in 1982, and it has been said that there will be many more than 25,000 people taking part in the run. There is more than one experience, including a 5k, half marathon, and a bike tour around the whole path. The main event is 26 miles in length, and covers much of the city, including the shoreline. From there, it curves around inland to
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where CSULB is located. To keep these poor souls from hitting the “wall,” there will be a Cheer-a-thon going down next to the Soroptimist House. Every year, the campus community of students, faculty, and staff comes out to support those men and women who are partaking in the event. To better serve and engage the Long Beach community, the Cheer-a-thon has been inaugurated in order to put a face to the university that has become a major stage in the race. Andrea Lomeli, Associated Students Inc. public relations commissioner, recommends students come out and cheer
on the marathon runners. “Everyone should go out and cheer the runners to the finish line at the Cheer-athon,” she said. “It’s a great way to motivate others when they truly need motivation.” What is really pretty neat about the marathon is that its midpoint is CSULB, which is a great opportunity for us to showcase the fact that we are one of the best public universities out there. To prepare this image, I am encouraging student organizations to sign up for a table for the event and to register on Orgsync. This must be done by October 3. Those who participate in the Cheer-a-
thon will be eligible to win one of the awards in a raffle with $1,000 worth of prizes. The best part is that every organization gets a superhero mascot. Imagine the possibilities of awesomeness. Besides the free publicity for your club or secret society, there will also be a wrap up party as our giving back to all of you. So, show up October 7 at 7 a.m. to set up camp and show your support for the Cal State Long Beach marathon runners. ASI President John Haberstroh will be a part of this year’s race, so let’s get out there and get loud. Pass out water, give a shout out, and press the cray button!
LITERATURE
CHEER UP, CHARLIE
HIGH SCHOOL CAN SURE BE A DEMON BITCH GODDESS FIONA IRVINE CONTRIBUTOR
I
magine you are 14 years old and sneaking into your older sister’s bedroom: trying on her clothes, sifting through her CDs, gawking at her hot pink walls plastered with posters of Good Charlotte and AFI... and finding her diary. You do the unspeakable and disregard the foreboding “OPEN AND DIE” warning You skim each page, heart racing, searching for the juice, knowing you are trespassing on someone’s private life. This is exactly what it felt like when I got my first copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky my freshman year of high school. Every page is filled with the intimate details of Charlie’s tragically awkward coming-ofage tale. The book will keep your attention
with tales of a young boy’s heartbreaking journey through molestation, suicide and homosexuality. With the upcoming release of the movie based on his 1999 book, directed by Chbosky himself, I was inspired to re-read the book, without dwelling on any one theme. The story follows Charlie as he is towed through the rollercoaster of emotion that is high school. The novel is a compilation of letters from Charlie written directly to you, or so it feels. From the opening reminiscence of losing his best friend and flashbacks of his abusive childhood to his utter discomfort in social settings, you get insights into what it is like to be a teenage introvert. The journey you are taken on in this 200-
page novel will jolt you right back to your high school days. You’ll laugh, cry, recollect and reflect. You’ll empathize immediately with sensitive, soft-spoken Charlie, whose only friend just killed himself. You’re even skeptical for him as he begins to meet new people from his school, two offbeat seniors, Sam and Patrick. You get to experience your first high school party, first kiss, first Rocky Horror Picture Show viewing all over again through Charlie’s accounts. He closes with a final letter wherein you really get to see his growth from boy to teen. Don’t let the novel’s length fool you. Though a quick read, The Perks of Being a Wallflower will stay with you, forcing you to recall your adolescent memories: the good, the bad and the just plain embarrassing.
AXE-TRACURRICULAR READING DO YOU LIKE PHIL COLLINS? TORIE RIVERA LITERATURE EDITOR
The first book that I sought out to read on my own volition was Bret Easton Ellis’ American Psycho. Everything that I had read before this was for school, except for the stacks of comic books I had pillaged over the years. I cannot say that I did not like some of the books I was forced to read: The Lords of the Flies, The Great Gatsby, Catcher in the Rye, The Illustrated Man, etc. I discovered that Mary Harron’s film American Psycho was not entirely hers, that it was an adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis’ book of the same title. I was compelled to read the text of such a gruesome, yet illuminating tale.
Ellis gives the reader a look into the excess and wealth of the ‘80s Wall Street scene through the eyes of a lunatic. I can still remember picking the book up and flipping to a random page to read an excerpt. I had landed on a page that depicted Patrick Batemen, the story’s protagonist and narrator, in the midst of a raunchy threesome with two women: Tiffany and Torri (yup, we share names). Suddenly the sex-capades took a sour turn; Bateman has a mouthful of flesh, pubes, and blood. A page or two later and Bateman is having intercourse with Torri’s head while he maces and stabs her.
Following this, he systematically dismantles her face with a power drill. This all seems to read like a Cannibal Corpse song (something along the lines of F*cked with a Knife, or Hammer Smashed Face). After I had read the book in its entirety, I saw past the aesthetics of the gratuitous gore. Ellis seemed to be conveying a deeper message. The book was not written for cheap thrills. Ellis uses the extreme to get his point across, to show us how bad our lust for stuff has gotten. Also, more importantly, how “stuff ” has become the category under which we file people: from
the homeless to our family. American Psycho has been labeled as pornographic, sadistic, and a plethora of other unflattering terms. I think the true fear that is invoked in the naysayers is personal. They see Bateman in their family, friends, and themselves. They have shared similar thoughts with him. This is what scares them. They do not fear that this book will corrupt society; their fear is that society’s true face will be exposed. So, put down the chemistry textbook and pick up American Psycho, and …“ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE.” UNION WEEKLY
1 OCTOBER 2012
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MUSIC
LOCAL SPOTLIGHT: BROWN AND BLUE LONG BEACH LOCALS BROWN AND BLUE GIVE US AN INSIDE SCOOP JOHN VILLANUEVA MUSIC EDITOR
I
remember clearly: it was freshman year and I was a fresh-faced college student who was not so eager to learn. I did, however, want to become involved in Long Beach’s music scene. Back in San Diego, I was well acquainted with all the bands and scenes that were running the town, but here in Long Beach, I had no clue as to what was going on in the musical sphere. Four years later, I still don’t have a fucking clue about the musical going-ons of this place. But one name has stuck around those entire four years I’ve been here. Brown and Blue was that name. I had heard of people in the dorms talking about the band and decided to check out their stuff. What I found was really good and exciting and helped to propel me in Long Beach’s musical direction. Now, as music editor of the Union Weekly, I’ve gotten the chance to interview these fine musicians about their start, their music, and what makes them tick. Hopefully, if you’re new as well, this will help you get acquainted with some of the great things they’re concocting here in Long Beach. Also, their EP A Warmer Climate is out as a free download on Bandcamp, so why don’t you mosey your way on to a computer and get it. Union Weekly: So to get us acquainted with you guys, when did you all meet and
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how did the band form? Danny Nogueiras: Ricky, Ray and I all went to high school together. I started performing as Brown and Blue in 2006, I think Ricky joined soon after Ray, but wasn’t in the band until its current line up. This line up was solidified in 2009, I believe. We met Bert White and Anthony Vezirian while they were attending CSULB. We were all friends and hung out pretty much every night at Ricky and Ray’s place, which was on PCH and 7th at the time. We were looking for new members and our best friends seemed like an obvious choice. UW: What music do you guys take inspiration from? DN: Its hard to say. When we’re all in the car together it’s safe to put on The Band, Van Morrison, Bob Dylan, Neil Young and all that sort of classic rock n’ roll Americana stuff, and you can expect us to sign along. As for newer music, I’ve been a big Bright Eyes fan since I was in high school. That band continues to inspire me. We got really into all the Saddle Creek stuff happening a couple years back and it never really went away for us. Bands like Two Gallants, Cursive, Neva Dinova, Rilo Kiley, and all the other wonderful indie music that leads you to that was going on around the same time.
Lately, Ricky and I have been listening to a lot of Grandaddy together. I suppose our taste is all over the place. UW: You guys recently released an EP, A Warmer Climate. Can you describe the recording process for that? How did you come up with song ideas and how was recording in general for that EP? DN: We recorded this new EP in three different places: my apartment, my studio down the street from my apartment that I share with our buddies in FIDLAR, and our producer David J’s house. We’ve never worked with a producer before, but David J has been in some of our favorite bands (Kind of Like Spitting, Novi Split) and we had just recently become friends with him. It seemed like a good opportunity to get to work with someone whose music we’ve loved for so long and could learn from. It was. He worked us really hard in the studio and instilled a new work ethic in the band. We were used to trying to record fast and live and he helped us really concentrate on the details of the songs and create something more focused than anything we’d ever done. The songs just sort of happened, I suppose. They’re all inspired by one thing or another that was happening in my life and I wrote them as they came. They weren’t written specifically for this EP or to be released together.
UW: Do you have any favorite venues to play at? DN: Pehrspace has been really friendly to us and we’ve had some really fun shows there. UW: Do you have any particular piece of gear that was essential during the recording of the EP? DN: I’m not really sure. Maybe my recording console? Its an old British console from the ‘80s I picked up a while back. It changed a lot about the way we sounded and I really like what we could do with it. UW: You also have your own record company, Mountain Man Records. Are there any benefits to running your own label while doing the band? DN: I am not currently running Mountain Man Records. It is being run by my good friend and the guy that founded the label with me, Mike Smith. UW: Any last advice for the kids out there? DN: Yes. When seeking advice on anything important, don’t ask me.
MUSIC
WALKIN’ ON A TIGHTROPE
JANELLE MONÁE PUTS ON ONE HELL OF A SHOW VINCENT CHAVEZ EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
The story of the best concert I ever attended begins with a text from a friend: “What are you doing tonight? Hang out with me pls hang out with me I have free tickets to Janelle Monáe pls hang out with me.” This sweet angel had just won tickets through a Twitter contest and was begging me to go with her. I’d listened to Monáe’s genre-blending LP The ArchAndroid a handful of times, with “Faster,” “Tightrope,” “Oh, Maker,” and “Cold War” as personal favorites. With my status as a genuine fan but not quite a devoted follower, I graciously accepted the offer. My actual response being: “Yes. Yes! YES! GOD YES!!!” The first thing I noticed upon entering the venue was the crowd’s size. “Where was everybody?” I thought. The standing floor level in front of the stage was only half full, whereas the balcony, speckled with a few dozen people, looked like a wasteland. If it’s possible to pity a supremely talented, golden-voiced megastar, I started to do just that in that moment. While the audience waited for Miss Monáe to grace the stage, we were treated to a DJ. And by treated, I mean subjected to. Between T-Pain’s chants of “All I do is ween, ween, ween” and Katy Perry’s electro-warble, I would describe his set as a 20-minute history of autotune. So you can imagine my relief when I saw Big Boi, the, let’s be real, lesser half of Outkast and opener for the concert. Big Boi barreled through a medley of oldies, which sounded like an Outkast greatest hits album sans Andre 3000. But the loose energy of his set hit a dip when he started playing his new solo stuff, which was bizarrely accompanied by war movie footage (most notably scenes from 300). These bass heavy thumpers lacked any funk or soul characteristic of an Outkast jam and just felt loud. When Big Boi made his exit
though, the concert began in earnest. A top-hatted, tuxedoed gentleman approached the black-and-white striped microphone at the center of the stage to announce the arrival of the goddess herself. Soon musicians and back-up singers dressed in a mix of futuristic body suits and classic black and white formal wear filed on stage. Because this is no ordinary concert, each member is not only playing an instrument but also a role as a character in the ArchAndroid universe. Finally, the goddess herself appeared on stage wrapped in a large black cloak as the bassline to “Dance or Die” pulsed throughout the club. The moment she threw off the hooded cloak and unveiled her glorious pouf, I nearly fainted. Transitioning seamlessly from “Dance or Die” to “Faster,” Monáe breezed through the opening of her latest LP with the swagger of a soul legend and the charisma of a rock god. Without losing any energy she settled into the mid-tempo energy of “Locked Inside” and belted its more challenging notes with ease. The next section of her set included a medley of covers from Jimi Hendrix to The Jackson 5. With her cover of Hendrix’s slow jam, “Little Wings,” she managed to perform a magic trick, i.e. making me forget about the original. Prince’s “Take Me With You” was equally successful. And though her Jackson 5 cover of “I Want You Back” couldn’t compete with Michael’s flawless vocals, it was unmistakably charming. Monáe then weaved her way back into ArchAndroid material with a rousing rendition of “Cold War.” She prefaced the former with a touching speech about love, identity, and hope that I wish I could paraphrase half as passionately and gracefully as she did. Her set closer and most recognizable hit, “Tightrope,” was an
explosive finale. The more rhythmically gifted Monáe-heads began to do “the tightrope” (a choreographed dance) as black and white confetti burst from cannons, showering the audience. The moment Monáe grooved her way offstage, we encored her right back; her only request was that we all drop to the floor. And as she demanded it, section by section, that intimate crowd at Club Nokia bowed before their queen. (There were a few hefty bitches that seemed hesitant, but they eventually made their way to the linoleum). She then treated that LA audience to an electric onetwo punch of “Come Alive” and a new song called “Electric Lady.” The hypnotic melody
of the latter had me foaming at the mouth, desperate for a new album from the high priestess of punk/funk/soul/rock/pop. The words “Experience the magic of Janelle Monáe live in concert!” sit in the center of her website. They appear in all caps after a small clip of “Faster,” which features Monáe sprinting as pulsing black and white circles undulate from her body, plays in the background. After witnessing the soul singer mesmerize a whole room literally to their knees, I can’t imagine a more apt description. I strongly recommend you heed the website’s prophesy and experience the magic of a Janelle Monáe concert as soon as humanly possible.
Musicians: If you have a story about your favorite instrument and how you obtained it, I would love to hear it.
!
you in Comic Sans.
Send any stories to music@lbunion.com UNION WEEKLY
1 OCTOBER 2012
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CULTURE
NERD IS THE WORD
AN INTERVIEW WITH ALLISON GOERTZ OF COSSBYSWEATER COLLEEN BROWN CULTURE EDITOR
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eing a “nerd” used to be shitty. It meant you tucked your shirt into your underwear, enjoyed superlame activities, and ended up alone at the end of The Breakfast Club with no one to make out with inappropriately. These days, it’s worked its way into being something
cool. Being geeky seems to make people more likely to hit you up now, rather than beat you up. I actually heard someone complaining the other day that they didn’t have thick, black-rimmed glasses to wear (it was me). Geekdom has become a cultural niche, and it no longer holds the
unfortunate stigma of being uncool. This week I got to hang out with the lovely Allison Goertz to talk about the success of her “nerdy” songs on YouTube. From songs about her favorite comedians, to tunes praising Dungeons and Dragons, she seems to be the epitome of what it
means to be a cool geek. If you haven’t already heard her solo stuff and the song she sings with her parner, Megan Barrett, take this as a sign that you should, so you can tell everyone that you liked her stuff “before she was famous” and say that “Yeah, we totally went to college together.”
Union Weekly: So, tell us about your YouTube fame.
Where some people are drawn to lyrics about relationships, break ups, or the like, I find myself more engaged with movies, books, and television. Growing up, I spent most of my day with the TV. My time glued to the screen felt as significant to me as any other friendship. Writing “nerdy” or “geeky” songs allow me to share very personal thoughts and experiences through a more approachable means that other people will be able to identify with.
There seems to be a checklist of things you need to like to fit into nerd culture including Reddit, RPGs, Star Trek, memes, thick-rimmed glasses and/or the hatred of thick-rimmed glasses, etc. I think you can be a nerd about anything (including “cool” things). I, for one, do not adhere to many items on the nerd checklist, but am far nerdier than some people who do. I think the nerd trend will die down and those who are authentic about their interests will stick by them even when the trend is over. As long as I write music, I will write about the things I love, “nerdy” or otherwise.
popularity. Online platforms have allowed users to find what they like at their own choosing. YouTubers aren’t being forced into your every day lives via commercials or otherwise. Finding something to enjoy online is completely voluntary and provides viewers with a more worthwhile and personal experience than other mediums. Most YouTubers are very receptive to suggestions of their subscribers and I think viewers see that. I am a huge supporter of YouTube and think we’ll be seeing more and more people producing online content than content for more conventional outlets.
UW: What are some misconceptions about modern nerd culture?
UW: How has Twitter helped your career?
Allison Goertz: Let’s be clear that the term “fame”, even within the context of YouTube, is being used lightly. As of now, I’ve posted 15 original songs to my YouTube account—accumulating a little shy of 475,000 views. Your cat has more hits than I do. This being said, I have captured a number of followers who have lead me to believe my music is of some importance and value to them, and truly, that’s more than I could have ever hoped for when I posted my first online video. UW: Where does the name Cossbysweater come from? AG: It’s a few things. I love Bill Cosby— but, it’s a direct quote from High Fidelity, my favorite movie. Barry makes fun of Rob for wearing a “Cosssssby sweater”—which explains the extra “s.” UW: Why do you write songs about “nerdy” or “geeky” topics? AG: I write songs about the things I love.
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UW: In your opinion, what defines modern nerd culture? AG: “Nerd culture” is overwhelmingly popular at the moment and has become something bigger than I know how to analyze properly. Because I write “nerdy” songs, people are quick to lump me into “nerd culture,” when, in actuality, I try to distance myself from the trend. The term “nerd” has become so encompassing that you’ll get the most popular kids on our campus declaring how much of one they are. In my humblest opinion, I don’t believe what you like makes you a nerd. I believe how you like something is much more representative of a person’s “nerdiness”.
AG: Since I’ve already tackled the misconception about interests, I’ll delve into appearances. Not all nerds have glasses or pocket protectors. Today’s nerd comes in all shapes and sizes and can be found in surprisingly common places. UW: How do you feel about the idea of being “YouTube famous?” AG: I love the characteristics of YouTube
The most. My god. I can thank Twitter fully for getting my foot in the door. When I posted my first video, “Comedians,” a song about the many comedians I love (Louis CK, Eugene Mirman, etc), I tweeted Patton Oswalt telling him I mention him in my lyrics. Patton retweeted me and it landed my song in the Huffington Post. I’ve been lucky enough to catch the attention Elijah Wood, Sir Ian McKellen and some other actors/comedians I absolutely love all thanks to Twitter.
CULTURE UW: How do you respond (or not respond) to inevitable “trolls” on websites? AG: Oh, my. Responding to “trolls” can sometimes be as fun as the song writing process itself. While at first, I took every negative comment as a blow to the gut, I’ve come to enjoy crafting comebacks. I am typically spared incredibly hurtful comments by trolls, but I regularly get sexist remarks or demands for me to show YouTube my boobs. When someone compliments me on my boobs (which are fully covered by a t-shirt of sorts) I tend to
reply “Thanks! I made them for you!”. My go-to reaction to the nasty comments is to subscribe to their YouTube channel and leave positive comments. Trolls tend to enjoy getting a negative reaction and I will avoid giving them that pleasure at all costs. UW: What do you draw inspiration from? AG: My personal experiences, TV shows, movies, and anything rooted in a combination of humor and sadness. I love writing songs that sound melancholic but have uplifting lyrics, or a cheerful melody
with bleak content. That line intrigues me to no end. I am most inspired by the band The Long Winters who do a wonderful job of blending the line between comedy and “real music”.
romance and comedy. I like to think that I do a similar thing with my music. He’s inspired me greatly and I have plans to write a song about his show Spaced.
UW: Who’s your nerd idol?
UW: Any upcoming songs or shows? Future plans?
AG: I’d say Edgar Wright is the “nerdy” person I most idolize. For those of you not familiar with the name, Edgar Wright is the cult director of Spaced, Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead, and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Edgar Wright is the most prevalent example a genre-bender when it comes to cinema and that alone is something worth idolizing him for. What I admire most about his films is that while there are parodic elements in them, his movies are not satirical. Hot Fuzz is a genuine action movie with humor, just as Shaun of the Dead is a legitimate scary zombie movie with
AG: My most immediate plans include making my first ever album. I’m tremendously excited, nervous, and anxious about it and really can’t wait to get started. Right now. I am crowd funding my album through the website Indiegogo. The project has gotten a tremendous amount of support so far, managing to reach 95% of our goal in the first two weeks, with a month left in our campaign. You can see Cossbysweater play on October 13 at the Gypsy Den in Santa Ana at 8:30pm and help us fund our album at www.indiegogo.com/cossbysweater
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1 OCTOBER 2012
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ENTERTAINMENT
GUNS, GIRLS, & TIMETRAVELING GANGSTERS LOOPER TAKES AUDIENCES ON AN ACTION-PACKED, INTROSPECTIVE RIDE
TYLER DEAN
Illustration
CONTRIBUTOR
I
n 2072, time travel will have been invented. Outlawed, it will be utilized frequently by organized crime in order to carry out hits by hired guns called Loopers who wait 30 years in the past at designated “hit spots.” Enter Joe, loyal hit man who finds himself on the other side of a glorified shotgun when he inadvertently lets one of his targets escape. The target? His future self. Looper isn’t your average time travel film. It doesn’t delve into the “why” or the “how,” doesn’t waste its time on the morality of such technology, nor what the future even looks like. It’s the story about a man who is just going through life the only way he knows how to—with a gun. What is important about Looper are the existential questions seemingly beyond
ROSE FEDUK COMICS EDITOR
the peripheries of acknowledgment. What does it mean to live in this world where our lives are run by a culture of drugs, sex, and power? When was the line drawn between decency and kindness, selfishness and greed, and where does simply surviving lie on this scale? For old Joe (Bruce Willis), surviving means taking out anyone who gets in his way of living a life free of being chased. He’s been sent back in time not necessarily to “help correct the wrongs” (which so many time travel films seem to get off on) but rather to serve as a warning to young Joe (Joseph Gordon-Levitt from Brick and Inception). What’s great about Looper, then, is how relatable it is. The film’s dichotomy between its representation of the id (what we innately want; young Joe) and ego (common sense, essentially old Joe) shatter audiences’
LYNCH BY INCH
FILM CLUB’S MOVIE NIGHT IS SURE TO ENTERTAIN JOE RASHIDI CONTRIBUTOR
CSULB’s Film Club will be hosting a series of movie nights throughout the school year. During one of the recent meetings, club members had several ideas as potential themes for Movie Night. However, there were numerous ideas floating around to the point that utilizing all selected ideas could not be fulfilled. For club president Raeha Keller, she wanted an event that would “establish Film Club into bringing students together to increase their knowledge about film.” So to kick off this year’s series of movie nights, the Film Club will have its first movie night focus on the work of filmmaker David Lynch, with a showing of 1986’s Blue Velvet and 1990’s Wild at Heart. In addition, a classic Felix the Cat cartoon will be shown in between both features, to evoke the spirit of old school double features.
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Known for his dark and surrealist approach to filmmaking, Lynch has become a cinematic icon. With films like those aforementioned, in addition to prime examples such as 1977’s Eraserhead and 2001’s Mulholland Dr., Lynch’s work has been recognized for creating ominous and perplexing senses within his audiences. Most notably, many of Lynch’s films have gone far beyond the scales of conventional filmmaking, giving Lynch his mark as a true innovator. For those who may not have seen, or are curious about, Lynch’s work, the Film Club’s “David Lynch Night” will be on Friday, October 5 at 6 P.M. in Room 101 at the University Theatre (UTC). There will also be a potluck, so guests are encouraged to bring food to share with the attendees. Everyone is welcome, and admission is free.
paradigms of the world as they know it. So what happens when the ego and the id become conscious of each other, manifested in physical form? It’s a question that becomes philosophical in nature when one considers how perhaps such answers were never meant to be known. The construct of time travel then might be called into question as the vehicle—the tree, if you will—from which this ‘forbidden fruit’ is picked. The film continues to impress when a closer look is given to those that brought it together. For instance, many will remember Rian Johnson from his superb handling of the 2005 neo-noir Brick. Drawing inspiration from films such as the Terminator franchise, Otomo’s Akira, and Witness, Johnson uses all the “good stuff ” to tell a story that hits audiences
hard. I could waste space telling you how great Emily Blunt and Joseph GordonLevitt were (okay, Bruce Willis too), but I’d rather take a moment to praise little Pierce Gagnon. Despite not even having his birthday or a bio listed on IMDB, this little guy was a powerhouse of acting. I can’t say much beyond that lest I give away some pertinent plot points, but keep your eye on this young man in the years to come. Ultimately, Looper is the time-travel action thriller that other time-travel action thrillers wish they could be. A strong story, relatable and memorable characters, an enthusing soundtrack (which, let’s be honest, sounded like a spin-off of Inception’s), and that “something” that every memorable film has, will leave you wanting more.
CHILD’S PLAY
ZOO TYCOON Zoo Tycoon was another in the long-lived Tycoon tradition of the early 2000s. The Tycoon games made the player the manager and owner of various enterprises. It was made popular in 1999 by RollerCoaster Tycoon, a roller coaster park simulator, which inspired countless spinoffs including Mall Tycoon, Circus Tycoon, Political Tycoon, National Lampoon’s University Tycoon, and Donald Trump’s Real Estate Tycoon. I wish some of those titles were made up. Of course, many of these games were total shit, and they only were released in an attempt at tricking someone to buy them because of the “Tycoon” in the title. Anyone could slap the “Tycoon” onto their game’s title, as it was not copyrighted. Some of these Tycoon games are perfectly worth revisiting from the past. They’re simple but solid games. Some of them are not. Sometimes it’s hard to really gauge how much you enjoyed something in your youth. Memory and nostalgia can come together like a thick layer of fog. So how can I be so sure about my childish impressions of Zoo Tycoon? Luckily for me, Amazon.com has provided a time machine and time capsule by keeping all reviews ever written on their website for all
ENTERTAINMENT REVISITING CHILDHOOD VIDEO GAMES AS (IM)MATURE ADULTS
LEO PORTUGAL WEB MANAGER
perpetuity. On September 8, 2002, perhaps in preparation for the first anniversary of 9/11, I reviewed the PC game Zoo Tycoon on Amazon.com. I was 13 at the time. The following is an excerpt: “Here’s how it goes down. You choose the animal(s) you want to create. You choose the walls and make the pen. You put the animal(s) in the pen. Your read the zookeeper’s instructions on what the animal(s) want(s) (such as water, trees, and rocks), then you do it. It may sound boring (especially how I put it), and it is, but you can still suck some fun out of it. The animals can be rather boring (but the same goes for real life). The main thing you really need to do is make the zoo look pretty. This is more of a landscaping sim than a zoo building sim.” I even went as far as to cover the sound design: “The animals make the same sounds over and over whenever you click ’em. It gets annoying fast. The best part of the sound is probably the opening song (which isn’t that great).” If you’re still interested in checking out Zoo Tycoon, it’s 40 cents used on Amazon. And 0 out of 1 people have found my review of the game helpful.
MEGAMEN: BATTLE NETWORK I was in the seventh grade when the first Megaman: Battle Network for the Gameboy Advance came out in the fall of 2001, just a month removed from 9/11, but I didn’t have enough money to buy the game because I was in the seventh grade and all my money was tied in trying to impress girls and buying personal pizzas for lunch instead of eating shitty cafeteria food. It was a tough time for both America and myself (historymaking events don’t have the same effect on teenagers in California that have only experienced New York in comics and Ninja Turtle movies). When I finally did get around to buying it, I couldn’t put it down. You go around the Internet with a Net Navi—Net Navis are like advanced versions of that paperclip thing from Microsoft Word that helps you with your homework and judges you for being lazy. Like having a sibling that you could delete if you wanted to—fighting viruses and collecting battle chips. Each chip has a different attack. You get five chips per turn and you’re supposed to mix them in your chip folder
MARCO BELTRAN SENIOR EDITOR
so that you can fight different virus types. I would spend hours fighting the same viruses over and over trying to get the coolest chips to power up Megaman. I connected with the main character, Lan, thinking that the Internet of the future would be just like that, and was even jealous of how much freedom he had in his home life. Playing it now, it’s still just as fun. I don’t think I ever got over my enjoyment of collecting things in video games, but I feel stupid for spending so much time playing it and enjoying the story. You’re a kid that puts himself in dangerous situations for no reason and takes on a terrorist organization, your dad is always at work and shows up after you’ve dug yourself out of trouble, MegaMan.EXE is the computer program version of your dead brother, and your family thinks that’s a good idea. Pretty dumb, right?
FTL: FASTER THAN LIGHT INDIE GAMEMAKERS REACH NEW HEIGHTS LEO PORTUGAL WEB MANAGER
As the NASA Space Shuttle Endeavor flew over my city, I was too busy flying my own shuttle, the USS El Torito, to even notice. I was engaged by FTL: Faster Than Light, a $10 spaceship simulation/strategy game on the PC and Mac, and I endeavored to defeat the rebel fleet. In FTL, you captain a ship and manage the crew, weapon systems, fuel and power supply as you jump from location to location, avoiding the rebel fleet and making Oregon Trail-esque decisions along the way. You collect scrap and use it to upgrade your ship in a myriad of ways as you gear up for increasingly difficult encounters, culminating in a final showdown with the equivalent of a
rebel Deathstar. All of this occurs under the deceptively simple guise of a 2D, topdown look and interface created by just a couple of dudes. FTL is the story of indie gamemaking gone horribly right. Created by two former 2K China employees, they decided to quit their day jobs in order to work on FTL full time. After releasing demo builds, they started up a kickstarter to raise funding for their project. Their goal was $10,000. But, you could say they raised money faster than light. By the end of day one, they were already at $20,000. In a few months, they reached $200,000. Though the game’s creators are big winners, this is a game where you, the
player, can lose. It’s a refreshing change in a world where the majority of games are unloseable, or where the penalty for losing is so miniscule that it doesn’t matter—just respawn at the last checkpoint, or load your last save, or lose a little gold, credits, rupees, or whatever. I haven’t been able to beat FTL on normal difficulty. Rebels have completely destroyed my ship with a barrage of lasers. Pirates have boarded my ship and murdered my entire crew. An enemy missile has taken out life-support systems and stopped my ship’s oxygen generation, and while my crew was busy fighting a killer robot that had been shot through the hull into my ship, my entire crew
suffocated before they could get to lifesupport for repairs. When you lose, and you will lose, you have to start the game over from the start. But it’s fun every time. The game from beginning to end lasts 90 to 120 minutes. So, even after you inevitably lose a time or two (or three or four), you can always jump right back in and still have the end goal in reach. Even in defeat, you will continue to unlock new ships loaded with various weapons and equipment and aliens. After you choose your initial setup, everything else will be randomized, making for a unique experience each time you play. Get your ass to FTL. Get your ass to FTL. Get your ass to FTL. Total Recall reference. UNION WEEKLY
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COMICS
HARRISMENT
HOBO HARRIS COMICS PAGE BUM
DISSECT MY BRAIN
TRIFARTS
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LEO PORTUGAL WEB MANAGER
KEVIN NG
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KIMBERLY TORREZ
CHRIS JIMENEZ
GHOSTBUSTERS MOTHTOPUS ALLY
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COMICS
DISCLAIMER
This page is an ode to the President of the United States, Mitt Romney. Some of you weren’t expecting this page to get political, but I had to. It would be un-American of me not to. Well, to be honest, I’m not American, nor am I part of ASI, nor do I represent the CSULB campus, but my patriotism still shines through. Email the Duchess of Touches at grunion@lbunion.com
“If you’re having girl problems, take a bath”
Monday, October 1, 2012 Volume 71 Issue 6
LBUNION.COM
Mitt Romney Unveils New For the Love of Romney: Plan to Fix Failing Economy The Duchess of Touches
By Wario Batali
Those of you in the liberal media may have cast off Mitt Romney’s presidential aspirations out the window due in small part to his recent
speeches and interviews. “Haters” spout rhetoric along the lines of “he constantly hasn’t revealed any of it” or “he thinks all poor people are dirty assholes,” which is in fact a true statement, but that’s all about to change. In a recent interview done in Teen People, Mitt dropped a bomb that could shake the political landscape in his favor. “Obama, in all his Socialist secret Muslim wisdom, seems to always forget that there’s one thing that this nation could never do without, and that is just plain old jobs. Jobs make money. Not personality, not singing classic songs, not playing basketball, but jobs. My father knew it, his father did, I’m sure everyone in the history of the world knows this, except ol’ my-wifeexercises-a-lot Obama. He seems to think up with random phrases that are supposed to encapsulate his ideals like ‘hope’ and ‘change,’ and what is it now? ‘Forward?’ Ridiculous. Does he ever do anything to people continually support a man that for the past four years has done nothing but talk about where he thinks America should be and not what it needs. What America needs is something that will actually make
a difference, a tangible thing that we can all relate to. [Paul] Ryan and I have been working on this for several months now, so I’m happy that I can give you guys the scoop. It’s a twelve-step plan, which has a foundation in a globally understandable term: Puns. The basic idea is that one can live a normal, happy life with just puns. Puns lead to laughter. Laughter leads to ‘–ness.’ What else ends in ‘–ness?’ Business. Businesses, which I know from running Bain International, create jobs and money. Thus, by the transitive property, puns make money and jobs. This simple math equation works for all aspects. Running out of money because you have pay for leukemia treatment? I’ll pun ya. Post grad student in need of a job? I’ll pun ya hard, too. Sleeping on the streets because a smart corporation decided to outsource jobs to China, and your wife died suddenly, and you have to pay off the mob in the next two hours because you borrowed money for food, thinking that you’d be able to pay it back as soon as you got on your feet, but your son is gay and ran off to San Fransisco with his boyfriend, Saul, and now you’re left to live in box, so you have to decide whether or not you’d prefer to lose both your legs or your eyes? You better believe I’ll pun ya. Let’s see, the mess with taxes.’ I thought that would be good because it’s a play on that ‘don’t mess with Texas’ saying. In the coming weeks I’m going to hire a group PUNdits that will be a super pun think tank and will send a daily pun to every person in America. It’s time to put American under my Punbrella, ella, ella.”
Hello Adoring Grunion Fans, it is I, your Darling Duchess, Doña María del Rosario Cayetana Fitz-James Stuart y Silva, the Duchess of Spain, By The Duchess reporting alive from my home in a location that I’d rather not disclose so as to keep my enemies and would-be usurpers from attempting to take my life and, more importantly, my title, but all I’ll say is that it’s near the beach. Oh my, the sun feels so great between my wrinkles. I’m having my maid, Tomasa transcribe everything I say, so forgive her if the way in which she transcribes what I’m dictating to her is a little inept, but she comes from a long line of donkey breeders and can’t help reverting back to those primitive tendencies. (I’m the Duchess and I’m a stupid old bitch - Tomasa). I’m writing to all of you impressionable students of the CSULB campus to tell you that I keep a close eye on American politics and would love to give you my take, the right take, on who it is that you, the stupid and uninformed, should vote for. I don’t care what form of life you’re trying to live, or even what economic standing you and your family might have, but you should keep in mind that as a person of a royal bloodline, my words are, and have been for all time, the words passed down from God himself and should be accepted without question. The man you should vote for is Mitt Romney. Before you allow your lame mind to spit out anything that Daily Show
Stewart says—we all know that’s where most of you get your notions and opinions about anything political—about the man, I should give you some of my personal insight. Tomasa? Tomasa! Tomasa, get out of my sun, you cow. The doctors only allow me to partake in activities in the sunlight for small amount of time and I’d prefer it if I wasn’t in the shadow of your ogre-ish features. Thank you! Okay, long before he met his current wife Anne, he and I had an intimate rapport. He had always been on my sexual radar, and could you blame me? He is and was a sexual beast that gave the appearance of being forceful in the boudoir, yet his eyes radiated a passion that could moisten the southern regions of any female. So, during his young naïve days as a missionary in France, I made contact with him. Every week, I would send him a care package of things I thought he would need: lotion, several pairs of my soiled underwear, and pictures of me in some explicit situations. My mother always said the way to a man’s heart is to wrap your vagina around his heart, so I did my best to extend my lust as far as it could reach. Sadly, I could not hook him and he soon met that blonde bimbo, but I still hold a small place for him inside me. I hope that helps you see that man as the true leader that he is. Bye bye for now, my pretties. Love, The Duchess
INSIDE
“It’s called the White House for a reason. Because it’s for Whites.”
Romney Performs Mouth Functions Most Adequately