Pick This Shit Up by Union Weekly

Issue 72.06 —A kind stranger saying the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me

Vincent Chavez, Editor-in-Chief editorinchief@lbunion.com Colleen Brown, Managing Editor colleen.union@gmail.com Gabe Ferreira, Managing Editor gabe.union@gmail.com Marco Beltran, Senior Editor marcob.union@gmail.com Michael Wood, Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com

Letters to and from the Editor

Brianne Schaer, News Director news@lbunion.com John Villanueva, Music Editor music@lbunion.com

Vincent Chavez Editor-in-Chief

entertainment@lbunion.com Wes Verner, Literature Editor literature@lbunion.com Colleen Brown, Culture Editor culture@lbunion.com comic@lbunion.com Duchess of Spain, Grunion Editor grunion@lbunion.com Gabe Ferreira, Art Director gabe.union@gmail.com Brian Mark, Art Director brianmark.union@gmail.com connor.union@gmail.com Nichole Daniels, Illustration Editor nichole.union@gmail.com web@lbunion.com Eric Garcia, Advertising Executive advertising@lbunion.com Assitant Editors: Camile Hove, Ingrid Rosales, Tanya Paz, Tyre Jones Staffers/Contributors: Joseph Phillips, Jon Bolin, Kevin Ng, Sierra Patheal, Amy Patton, Rachel Clare, Wes Young, Mariha Lowe, Christy Bonham, Roque Renteria, Alia Sabino, Robert Turner, Gabriel Moura, Irene Thaiss, Nathan Moore, Eddie Viramontes, Tony Bozanic, Chris Fabela, Katie Healy, David Casarrubias, Nayeli Carrillo, Joseph Estrada, Matthew Vitalich, Abraham Alapisco The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union weekly, not ASI or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students

CA 90815. E-mail: info@lbunion.com

I knew my life would never be the same after I made the bet. How could I have known that what began as an innocent wager between friends would turn into a beautiful, dark, twisted fantasy? The rules were simple: our Senior Editor, Marco, and I wanted to see who could go the longest without shaving over winter break. Whoever couldn’t hack it and shaved first would have to buy the victor a milkshake, an extra-large milkshake to be exact. I suspect we also started the bet to see what we’d look like with beards as neither of us had ever tried to grow a one in earnest. I did once attempt to grow a mustache two summers ago; I was keen on the idea of appearing more masculine. But after two weeks of slow growth, all I managed to grow was a sad collection of facial wisps and quickly cut the project short. The whole affair was a grim and pubey reminder that masculinity is hard and doesn’t necessarily come naturally. The stakes were dangerously low, but my competitive spirit and sense of vanity were

high. I plunged into the bet baby-face first. It wasn’t until the three-week mark that I saw any real developments. Instead of the pitiful peach fuzz I’d grown two years ago, my new beard was decently thick, patchy in some spots to be sure, but generally not bad. And that’s when people started to notice. Initially, the reaction was mostly positive. A lot of “I like it,” “it actually looks good,” and even a “will you stop talking about your dumb face and get out of my room?” (That last one comes courtesy of my goatee-sporting brother.) In the course of its growth, I was called a Spaniard, a pirate, and, by my disapproving mother, a homeless person. When break ended and neither of us had shaved, we agreed to shake hands, go out for extra-large milkshakes, and braid each other’s new minorly impressive beards. But before our celebration, I decided to treat myself to some much needed trimming. Growing it was the hard part, so I assumed trimming would be a piece of cake. Wrong, so wrong was I. Trimming, my friends, is a

delicate art. Cut too little and you could end up with a jockstrap. Cut too much and you might have to shave the whole damn thing off, because it’s lopsided; I ended up nearly doing the latter, finally stopping when I reached a happy medium. The final product was a goatee. I treated my goatee like a bonsai tree for the first few weeks, trimming every so often to unwind and find inner peace. But now, with the semester in full swing, facial maintenance is a luxury I just do not have time for. It’s been one wild mustache ride, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Anyways, there’s no segue into the feature, because there’s no feature this week. So, enjoy all the lovely content and make a reckless bet this week. You may just discover the man you always knew was inside of you. Note: This piece was written in New York City and submitted to the Union Weekly staff in Long Beach via e-mail, where hard-working editors laid it out so the boss could eat pastrami.

OPINIONS

Union Weekly—25 February 2013

Opinions Editor

Oh my, it seems the revival of PointCounterpoint has piqued the interest of some of our writers. Needless to say, this is very exciting for me because a format like this has endless possibilities for the page. Last week, our trial run was a serious issue: whether or not the Federal Reserve should be abolished. Our contributor Matthew Vitalich and I were able to have a great discussion and discourse, with some of our points contradicting and refuting

each other as intended, allowing the reader to make the informed decision as to who is right. But in this week’s issue, we have a lighter topic, Mac vs PC. Now time to stop gushing over this format. Readers, I need your help. I’m afraid of sounding like a PBS fundraiser at the moment but to continue to bring you such content at no cost to the students, we do need your help. No, we don’t need your money, we want your brains. I mean

Union Staffer

I like it when my computer works; that’s why I chose Mac. When I hit the power button and my iMac boots up, I really appreciate being able to do everything I need to smoothly and efficiently. Not only does the Mac run seamlessly, but it also has the aesthetics that make you (almost) not mind staring at a computer screen for hours on end, headache free. The controls are set up in the same location for any other program that’s available for Mac; the top menu bar adjusts per program, so you don’t have to learn new patterns for every program. This cuts out non-intuitive guesswork and time so I can get my work done, turn the machine off, and go on with my day. I also have no problem with compatibility, which is something I can’t say for my dinky netbook PC. If I send out files from my Mac, they’ll always be in a format that Mac or PC can open, but the other way around? Nope. Not so much. Thank goodness for converter programs (and thank you Mac for finding them for me!). And yes, I can right-click. And yes, I can right-click on the mouse itself. Shocking. When it comes to screen enlarging accessibility, the zoom program works as seamlessly as ZoomText for PCs, only it comes with the computer. Now, I realize that Macs are very expensive, which is a major drawback for them, but if you have problems with your eyesight like me, then you have to fork over an extra $400.00 dollars just to see the damn screen. PC’s come with a magnifying program, but it’s clunky and doesn’t work for daily use. So, a $600.00 dollar PC laptop is the same price as a Mac laptop after adding this very simple program. I’d rather have a computer that comes with adaptations that perfectly integrate with the software, thanks. I realize that Macs, like anything else,

aren’t perfect. I’m a big computer game fan, but in order to play certain games, I’d need to partition my iMac to include a Windows operating system, or find and download an emulator, to play through my favorite adventures. And the one part that is consistently frustrating is how difficult downloads are. As soon as I want to download a patch or program (once I find a compatible version), the computer starts a download process that isn’t very intuitive. I always know where downloaded content is (the download folder on my dock!), but following the steps is tedious and it sometimes uses icons instead of worded instructions. It’s frustrating, but at least I can see the screen! Once you figure out what the download process is, it is quick, but something I’m sure the developers could work on. In the end, as fellow-contributor Sierra says, it’s about how much you want to tinker with your computer. If my hard drive crashes, I can send it in to the Apple Store, or the campus bookstore, and they’ll replace the hard drive for me at a reasonable price (no Sierra, I don’t have to buy a new computer, promise). And if you’re still under warranty, they’ll do these repairs for free, as I did with my old Macbook after abusing the poor thing (it’s still working six years later, by the way). Also, I don’t want to fiddle with my computer, I just want to turn it on and go. When it’s time to locate a program or file, I like that Finder actually finds what I want. If I desired more customization, I might go with PC or Linux, but I understand how Mac works, so I don’t have to beat it into submission. It does what I want when I ask nicely. And, between you and me, when files aren’t compatible on Sierra’s (the PC defender’s) computer, she asks to use my iMac to view it, read it, fix it, etc. Boo-ya!

thoughts. Yeah, that’s what I meant. So if you would like to see your thoughts and feelings on a subject on this page, I highly recommend sending me an email at opinions@lbunion.com. Don’t worry, I don’t bite (unless you’re into that) and I hope for more cooperation with the readers. Remember, the Union isn’t a one way street. It’s interactive, we are here for the students, not just for your entertainment, but for your expression as well.

I am smarter than my computer. This is why I use a PC. That might seem like a false comparison, but the Mac/PC debate is in essence an idealistic one for me. The capabilities of the two models leave them almost equivalent, although each has its strong points. (Macs have prettier displays, but the PC game selection is far superior, to name one of the big ones.) For me, the central difference between the two is the issue of customizability. I’m not a computer expert, but I do have some modicum of technical knowledge. While Macs are beautiful, they operate on the assumption that their users aren’t interested in changing anything about them. Especially in the realm of hardware, replacing parts is frowned upon. If your hard drive goes bad on a Mac, your choices are a.) Call tech support or b.) Get a new computer (and “a” may well lead to “b”). With my PC, I have an intermediate, simpler option: just buy a new hard drive. PC stands for personal computer for a reason. I can bully my computer into doing anything. Certainly, some things are easier than others—Macs are usually more compatible, as Katie notes, so yes, when I’m trying to run an ancient, 16bit program on my 64-bit computer, I’ll try her Mac before downloading the compatibility pack—but if I fiddle with it long enough, it will do what I want. With Macs, that’s not a guarantee. The preset controls are perhaps more intuitive than Windows, but if you really want to change something, you’d better have a computer science background. Macs don’t appreciate fiddling. On PCs, in contrast, fiddling is the key to success. My father is a computer geek, and there were always computers

and pieces of computers lying around our house. When I needed a computer for college, he built one from the ground up, buying and salvaging parts to make it comparable to the best ones on the market at the time. The entire computer cost a few hundred dollars more than half the price of a similarly-capable Mac. And despite Macaficionados’ claims of superior durability, my computer is still running strong four years later. I haven’t even had to do any major repairs on it (although if I needed to, I could; my computer would let me). The price is better for the same parts, and when upgrade time rolls around, I can replace the parts without buying a whole new machine. In the meantime, my computer does what I want, how I want, when I want. That’s important for me. Katie (our Mac fan) touts the compatibility software on Macs as superior to PCs’ base packs. She’s right. The price of the magnification software on a PC is ridiculous, and I can see why she went with a Mac. The underlying dichotomy behind Macs’ software inclusion though, is exactly what makes me stick with PCs. The Mac developers decided their customers might want features x, y, and z, and they included them. Period. With a PC, I decide what features I want, and then I add them. Sure, some will cost more than others—but at least I won’t be left staring at the oh-so-pretty screen of my computer with Skyrim in hand, or any other incompatible game for that matter, wishing my computer was worth more than a wall display. (And for all you Mac-lovers out there: what’s up with the i? iMac, iPod, iTunes— what’s next, iHuman? The very name of Katie’s iMac breaks at least two different grammatical rules. What’s up with that?)

Union Weekly—25 February 2013

NEWS

ASI Campus Invasion Chat with your representatives, or just snag some free supplies Joseph Phillips Union Staffer If you like winning free Scantrons and Green Books, look out for the big Associated Students tent coming your way, from now until March 27. The ASI Awareness Campaign, complete with the big, wooden wheel of prizes, features your student government in force to give a better understanding of the resources many students don’t know are available. John Haberstroh, President of the Associated Students, Inc., summed up the need for increasing interaction between the student body and those in government: “The ASI Awareness Campaign has finally arrived to inform students about the people that represent their interests,” he said. “The point is to make ASI come more alive to the average student. We have started to wake the sleeping giant that is Student Government.” Many students are not aware of the many services ASI has to offer all students. There are services such as child care via the Isabel Patterson Child Development Center; programs such as KBeach radio, College Beat Productions, and the Union Weekly; and places like the University Student Union and the Student Recreateion and Wellness Center. Allison Gallagher, Associated Students Inc. Secretary for City Affairs, spoke on the details of the event: “ASI Awareness tabling is a multi-week event that will take place across campus,” she said. “At the table, we have all kinds of

Sierra Patheal and Brianne Schaer Union SOBs Since this SOB is constantly on my mind, I am often upset when I realize that I completely forgot to put an event into this lovely little list. I need to beef up on upcoming events a little more, maybe even read the Daily 49er. Where do they even get all of their information from? Their butts? On to the coming events. informational brochures, a suggestion box, and a Spin the Wheel where we give away prizes like testing materials, GO BEACH buttons, and more. It’s a great spot for students to learn more about ASI, ask questions, share their concerns, and win prizes. We are aiming at increasing student knowledge of what ASI does—from the services we provide, to the resources we can offer, to scholarship and job opportunities. This is a great chance to learn more about ASI elections as well, if you have

any questions or want to get involved.” Tabling will be taking place all over campus, so there is no avoiding the huge tent. This is a great opportunity to meet those who are representing CSULB’s students. If you have any comments or concerns, please share them. Your opinion matters! In the words of Jorge Soriano, Associated Students Chief of Staff, “ASI has a lot to offer students and we want to help as many as possible take advantage of that.”

Take a Step Against Homelessness Alia Sabino Union Staffer Alpha Phi Omega, a national co-ed service fraternity on campus, is hosting its first annual Long Beach Hunger Walk on Sunday March 10, from 9am-3:30 pm. The Long Beach Hunger Walk is a 9-mile walk throughout the city of Long Beach, and its main purpose is to promote awareness of homelessness. The start location will be on campus, and walkers will be holding signs with statistical facts about homelessness and motivational signs to get pedestrians and onlookers invested in the idea as well. Homelessness is a widespread problem that many in the community have to face on a daily basis. The city of Long Beach has been conducting biennial homeless counts since 2003. In 2011, more than 350 agency staff and volunteers determined that more than 4,290 individuals (including adults and children) were homeless in Long Beach, with about 1,127 individuals reporting chronic homelessness (i.e., homelessness for more than 12 months). Most of these people rely

on volunteer services, such as missions and food pantries, to meet their basic needs. Although homelessness is something that will not be solved anytime soon, Alpha Phi Omega as an organization wants to take steps in order to promote awareness of this situation, and hopefully encourage people to help take steps toward eradicating it. With its more than 35,000 students, the campus of CSULB definitely plays an integral part in the city of Long Beach, and every student can play a big role in giving back to the community. The proceeds fundraised through this event will go to an organization called Food Finders, a community-based food rescue program in Signal Hill. It’s run mostly by volunteers, and on average they help provide enough food for 39,000 meals a day. They reduce the amount of food waste in Southern California by picking up donated goods from hundreds of local grocery stores, bakeries, restaurants and produce markets. These goods are then distributed to missions and

shelters to help feed the less fortunate. Patti Larson, the executive director of Food Finders, said, “While we see so many hungry, homeless people in Long Beach, there are still others we don’t see who need our help. This is a great way to build awareness and community support and we hope many people will join the walk.” All organizations and individuals are encouraged to participate in this campuswide event and help support the cause. For those of you who are weary from the idea of walking nine miles, don’t worry; you don’t have to walk the entire distance, since there will be checkpoints every three miles. But, if you choose to, you can take it as a personal challenge. If you’re interested, please visit apocsulb. org for more information about registration (early registration ends on March 2), location details, donations, and fundraising forms. Any additional questions may be directed to service@apocsulb.org.

Model Auditions The 25th Annual Campus Couture Fashion Show is holding auditions on February 27 from 5-8pm in USU 251. It’s open to males and females, so girls, bring your heels! The poster calls for them to be at least three inches tall. So brush off that outfit you’ve been looking to wear and get ready to strut your stuff—the catwalk awaits! If you’re more interested in the models than in modeling, the show will be held on May 10, 2013. The Laugh in Peace Comedy Show To quote the event poster, “A Jew and a Muslim walk into our USU...to perform a comedy show!” On Monday, March 4, Comedian Rabbi Bob Alper and Muslim comedian Mohammed (Mo) Amer will hold a comedy show at 6pm in the USU Ballrooms A & B. The performance is guaranteed to be hilarious, and it might even break apart some of those stereotypes we all try not to have. Long Beach Hillel, the CSULB Multicultural Center, and the Muslim Students Association at CSULB are hosting the event. Oh, and if that wasn’t enough, it’s free for students. So come out and laugh! Laughter’s good for you; haven’t you heard? Discover your True Colors There will be personality tests in the Student Recreation and Wellness Center February 25-28. The True Colors Personality Assessment test will consist of questions that focus on social tendencies and is guaged to determine the test-takers’ colors. These colors correspond with four personality types. The test will be administered on an iPad, so what’s not to love?

CULTURE

Union Weekly—25 February 2013

You Wanna Be on Top?

Alia Sabino Union Staffer

I’m a sucker for great views. Nothing gives me more of a rush than seeing the world from high up, especially at night when you’re in the middle of a myriad of city lights from below and a myriad of stars from above. There’s just something so awe-inspiring about it, knowing that

worth the attention…and the drive. Forget the overrated 500 Days of Summer park (official name: Angel Knolls Park) where all you get to see are parking structures, dingy streets, and smog surrounding downtown LA. Whether you want to go alone, plan a romantic

date, or just play around with friends while engaging in semi-inebriated and introspective conversations about the universe, these are the places to consider. Be prepared to have your breath taken away by these wonderful sights.

It’s quite interesting how a place that was once famous for its abundance of oil back in the 1920’s (hence the oil rigs that can still be seen on the hill) has evolved into a modern day make-out spot infamous for starry-eyed couples who can’t get enough of each other. I am not exaggerating. I once went there by myself to appreciate the view, and it has never been made more apparent to me how single I am. There were literally 12 couples holding hands and canoodling at every corner of the park, and once I actually saw a couple getting married there (complete with a minister and a small entourage). Yet another reminder that I might just have to be “forever alone.” But despite this unwelcomed reminder, Signal Hill Park still remains to be one of my

favorite spots, mainly because it’s literally right up the street from where I live. You can get a great view of LA on one side, and the buildings of downtown Long Beach, Ocean blvd and the harbor all the way up to Catalina island on the other. As you walk onto the paved entrance of the park, you are greeted with a poem etched onto the cement, with my favorite line being, “We come to this place when life gets too fast, to reflect on time and make a sunset last.” Tip: They are very strict about the closing time of 10 pm, to the point that they have cops roam around here blinding your eyes with flashlights. Don’t risk getting a ticket, because it can happen. The last thing you want is you and your romantic prospect to get reprimanded for “disturbing the peace.”

you’re a part of something that seems so vast and limitless. So despite my irrational urge to keep my secret places secret (just like a greedy fan who finds it hard to share the music of a recently discovered indie band) I’ve decided to share some great places that I believe are

For the Excessively Affectionate:

For the Adventurous and Daring: Yeah I know what you’re thinking. ‘SUICIDE hill? Yes! I am so down!’ (or maybe that’s just me). My friend Tiffany brought this place up, knowing my relentless need for adventure and my inclination for forbidden spots. She said it had a great view of the city, so naturally I was down to go. What I love about this place is that it’s not your typical park where you just park your car, walk a few, and get the instant gratification of a great view. You actually have to work for this one. Despite it’s ominous name, Suicide Hill is a great place to go if you’re looking for somewhere a bit more secluded, and if you don’t mind scaling a hill and maybe tripping over a few rocks to get there. Just park your car around the

neighborhood, and follow the paved path up the stairs. Once you get to there it’s quite misleading to think that you’ve already reached the top, but keep going. The hill doesn’t have an official entrance, so you’ll just have to trust your instincts on this one. Once you get to the top it’s not lush or anything (it’s actually quite brown and weedy) but I think the view is worth it. After some research I still don’t know exactly why the park is called Suicide Hill or if an actual suicide occurred there. But just like every other urban legend, I guess this will always remain a mystery to me. Tip: Bring a flashlight if you plan to stay there till after the sun sets, because the hike down the rocks can be dangerous, especially if your clumsy and accident-prone.

Union Weekly—25 February 2013

CULTURE

For the Childlike and Playful: If the sight of swings and slides don’t make you squeal in delight like a little kid and fill you with an urge to run towards them, then you seriously have to rethink your take on life. A friend of mine, Greg, suggested this place when I told him I was on a hunt for great views in the area. I did expect to see a good view, but what I didn’t expect was to get to feel like a little kid again. It’s pretty much a huge playground complete with slides, swings, monkey bars, a fireman’s sliding pole, and a miniature suspension bridge. And if you thought those were enough to make your inner child run wild, then the three-story steel rocket ship (with a slide on the second tier) is just an added bonus. The park can be found on top of a hill in a highly residential area, and on a good day

you can see the entire South Bay including Torrance, Gardena, Redondo and Hermosa Beach, and the buildings of downtown LA. If the weather permits, you can even see as far as the Hollywood sign and the Griffith Park Observatory. Bottom line, this is a good place to go to forget about all your grown-up problems and just be a kid again. Let your worries take the backseat and go climb up that rocket ship to dreamily gaze at the stars. Or better yet, grab a friend and figure out who can do the furthest swing jump! The possibilities are endless. Tip: When climbing inside the rocket ship, do try not to get stuck. The holes are pretty small and I myself had trouble getting to the top tier. But hey, what are you gonna do? They are made for the kids.

For the Inspired: The name of this park is quite appropriate, because when you’re here, you literally feel as if you’re on top of the world. At about 1,000 feet above sea level, it is easily the highest park on this list. It’s even higher than the infamous Twin Peaks (922 feet), which are the highest points in San Francisco. If you want a breathtaking 360-degree view of Orange County on any given day, then this is the place to go. I found out about this place a group of friends and I decided to watch the Perseid meteor shower over the summer. Boy was that a trip. Sipping on mimosas and munching on mangos and Taco Bell, we yelped in amazement every time a shooting star flashed across the night’s sky.

As we were lying down on the grass, straining our eyes for any blaze of light (they were coming from all directions and it was hard to keep up at times), we bonded over how miniscule we felt in comparison to everything. When you really think about it, we truly are just specks in the universe, and that can be a scary thought. We stayed there till about 4am and by the end of it, our count of shooting stars climbed all the way up to about 20. Now that’s a lot, if you ask me. Tip: Top of the World Park is also known for its diverse hiking trails, so if one of your New Year’s resolutions is to get fit, this is the place for you. Instead of straining the wheel treads of your car, strain your leg muscles instead and make a good workout out of it.

In conclusion... These are four of my favorite views in the area, and hopefully I’ve inspired you to go check them out. Instead of staying in and mindlessly staring at your computer screen, go outside and experience the world around you! Bring a friend, your dog, or go alone if you have to! The world has so much to offer if you just take the time to go out and appreciate it. Feel free to discover places of your own because the world is too vast and beautiful to not be acknowledged.

MUSIC

Union Weekly—25 February 2013

Shaking it Up Alabama Shakes show us how to move Amy Patton Union Staffer I give five brilliantly gleaming golden stars out of five for my latest minor obsession. Alabama Shakes performed on Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago and I immediately fell in love with their sound. I would describe it as a country-bluesy-rock feel that is appealing to a large audience. The band members claim on their Facebook page that this unique sound allows them to go any direction they want with their next album, and since each band member comes from a different musical background, they can appease everyone’s specific skill set. What we are left with, folks, is something brilliant. The two songs they performed on SNL were “Hold On” and “Always Alright,” their most popular songs. And let me just say, these guys are incredible live. I got goose bumps the first time lead singer Brittany Howard hit the hook in “Hold On.” There is so much feeling and emotion in their songs when they perform live. Don’t get me wrong, the recorded stuff is excellent too, but it sounds much cleaner with less emotion. Besides, they are a sight to see, especially Howard. She really gets into it, and you can feel her passion for the music when she sings. It’s definitely an experience watching them. “Hold on” is one of their more mellow songs, for the most part. It picks up in the middle and end for a rock-feel, but the singing is mainly slow and soulful, and the

instrumentals are mellow. The blend of these two sounds makes the song fun and substantial. The ending is unexpectedly soft and it just fades out, leaving you wanting more. The lyrics are simple and inspiring, telling Howard to keep trying in life and to “hold on,” hence the song title. Just listening to the song, the lyrics don’t really matter, because the sound is strong alone. When I did look up the lyrics, the writer in me wished they were deeper and less repetitive, but what can you do? The music’s great anyway. “Always Alright” has a faster beat and you can’t help but to bop up and down to it. The guitar playing in this song is really impressive. At this point, I wish I had some more musical knowledge so I could tell you just why it’s so great; unfortunately, all I know is what I hear. When I hear this song, my spirits lift and I feel like dancing. The lyrics are more narrative, being about a couple at odds with each other. They paint the singer as an independent person who won’t be held back by others. So, ladies and gentlemen, I conclude that I am in love with Alabama Shakes’ gorgeous and majestic sound, and you should be too. Or at least give them a try. You really ought to try new things. My recommendation would definitely be to listen to them live first. That way you can get a real feel for them right out of the gate.

Union Weekly—25 February 2013

Top Four YouTube Compilations Goats yelling like humans

Russian Car Crashes

Connor O’Brien Entertainment Editor

You’d think that goats yelling like humans is pretty self-explanatory, but I was completely surprised by what my ears and eyes told me. These goats have some glorious vocal chords. There are a bunch of goats all baaa-ing like regular animals until one of them lets out a mighty screech. Some of the goats have voices like wimpy, sad nerds that were recently hit in the testicles. The best goats make screams that sound less human than actual people screams. These kinda remind me of the Wilhelm Scream. In one of the videos, the goat appears to be in a heated argument with an Italian guy, and he spits at the guy and groans everytime he trys to say some bippity-bobbity bullshit to a non-human, animal goat. The most talented goats that are featured in the compilation are also featured in some other pretty great clips. There’s one goat that you might recognize from the goat/Usher remix of the song “Papers.” Another goat is in the recently popular goat remix called “I Knew You Were Trouble Goat Edition.” This group of rowdy goats will make you laugh harder than you ever thought a goat could make you laugh. If your internet history is littered with cute/funny animal videos, here is a compilation to enrich and fulfill your life.

This goes out to all you rubbernecking assholes that slow down hundreds of cars on the freeway for a split second glimpse of a car that got rear-ended on the side of the road. Why not shave an hour off your commute by not looking at the fender-bender and going home to watch a Car Crash Compilation instead? Almost every single video is in Russia. As to why all Russians have cameras on their dashboards, that is a mystery to me. These people are driving well over 100mph in icy and snowy conditions. When they decide to pass a giant 18-wheeler, it usually ends in a cloud of metal and rubber scraps. The crash puts you on the edge of your seat, cringing and nervously laughing. Right before the sounds of screeching tires and shattering glass, you get to hear a sample of what music people were listening to as their lives flashed before their eyes. Some of my favorites were a Celine Dion dubstep remix, a Gotye rave remix, and Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart. During and after the crash, you hear lots of Russian cursing and funky guttural sounds. Nobody has died in any of the videos I’ve seen; that would take all the fun out of it. It’s insane watching what a high speed impact does to the things we trust with our lives. After an hour of viewing car crashes I have decided that: 1) I’m never going to Russia. 2) My car (that I’m pretty sure has no airbags) would be instantly destroyed in an accident. Don’t watch these videos before driving, you’ll get real spooked.

The very best nut-shot Roque Renteria Contributor I’ll admit that I am a sadist. Aside from a sadist, I am also many other things: a philosopher, a licensed reverend, and a passionate, thorough and selfless lover (for you ladies out there). But above all, I am a man. Being that I am a man, I have been endowed (sadly, not well-endowed) with a penis. And two very sensitive and very fragile balls. I think “balls” is the correct medical term. All this brings me to my main point, which is: Watching guys get hit in their “bananas n’ nuts” is uproariously funny and soul-shatteringly devastating. This compilation is a perfect example of ambivalence and paradox. Allow me to explain. When an accelerating force impacts genitalia, there is no doubt that hilarity will ensue. However, whilst comedic, at the same time it adheres to the guidelines of Aristotelian tragedy. Our hero meets a tragic end and sympathy is evoked. Watching someone’s balls be crushed by a falling sledgehammer (included in this compilation) is both comedic and tragic. Paradoxical, is it not? I don’t know. Maybe I’m overanalyzing the phallus. It wouldn’t be the first time. Hiyo! This 4-minute video lives up to its name. I haven’t encountered a better aggregation of nut shots. This has everything from your standard kick-to-the-nuts to skateboarder meets a rail to guy has firework explode on his nuts. My favorite is the boy who hits his father’s junk with a metallic rod. Definitely the most Oedipal clip of the bunch. Freud would approve. It’s easily the best video on YouTube. After watching, you’ll feel sorry for these guys because they will never be able to reproduce. Then again, after seeing the moronic shit these guys do, would you want them to spread their seed?

ENTERTAINMENT

Illustrations by Rose Feduk Comics Editor

Ron Swanson’s Laugh Marco Beltran Senior Editor I never thought I would be this emotionally invested in a television show, or in a character, that I would look up compilations of clips and share them with everyone I know. But I am and I hate it. It makes me feel so helpless. There is just something about Ron Swanson’s character and laugh that I find infectious, to the point where I can watch a clip of him laughing and I smile and laugh and wonder what I would do if I met Nick Offerman in bar. Probably nothing. It might be that his high-pitched squeal is such a contrast to his character, which is gruff and emotionless, so that within the context of an episode it comes as a surprise; or it could be that the things that he laughs about are not clearly defined, but I can’t get enough of it. The laugh is such a small thing, but I think his laugh was the perfect device to make his character interesting, and opened it up for the character to experience every emotion. Fuck. Maybe I am human after all and my cousin is an asshole for trying to convince me that I am an alien.

[Editor’s Note: Some honorable mentions that didn’t make the top four include cats running on treadmills, train-horn pranks, news anchor fails, and talking cats.]

LITERATURE

Union Weekly—25 February 2013

Just Deserts

Because the titles are kinda desert-themed? Ah? Ah? Get it?

Rose Feduk Comics Editor My boyfriend encouraged me to buy a book that I might like, and after perusing Amazon’s website for many minutes, I came across Tale of Sand. The description mentioned that the graphic novel was based on an unused screenplay written by Jim Henson. As a child I had empathized with the Cookie Monster and hid under the blankets when my dad thought it was a good idea to watch the Dark Crystal. Jim Henson’s cast of characters and fantastic stories were just as much a part of my childhood as eating bologna sandwiches after school. Thus, you can imagine my inner-child’s excitement when I found yet another Henson creation to add to my list. Though my expectations for Tale of Sand were high, I was relieved to have most of them met. The story is just as fantastic as one would hope. We follow the protagonist, Mac, who is

thrown into a series of situations full of thieves with swords, large expanses of desert, cowboys, lions, sharks and just about every other trope that you would associate with an epic adventure story. While you can imagine that jamming all these elements into a film would end up a convoluted mess, Tale of Sand takes the reader on a breathtaking ride without leaving them in the dust. Part of the reason that Tale of Sand’s grand story works is that there are maybe three words of dialogue in the entire thing. Thus the novel’s success is entirely thanks to it’s impressively executed visual storytelling. The illustrator, Ramon K. Perez, manages to establish a dynamic pacing through the use of action-laden panels that are expertly arranged on the page, turning the novel into a cinematic experience. Another asset of the novel is the brilliant

use of color. Perez’s limited color palettes allow the reader to avoid getting bogged down by too much color information and give life to Perez’s clean linework. Vivid reds, blues, yellows and purples are used to give a dream-like quality to the pages and change to move the story through different scenes in the tale. The only disappointment is that while Henson’s stories are full of weird characters set in strange lands, Tale of Sand is ultimately set in reality. Henson is forgiven because Tale of Sand is a pretty solid adventure story, but I feel like it was missing the same fantastic Henson creatures that I grew up loving. The novel is bound in a weighty hardcover, mirroring the meaty substance of its contents. And after slipping the purple elastic bookmark over the cover, the book really does look like something special.

Last week I reviewed The Six-Gun Tarot by only looking at the cover. To read this review you may visit www.lbunion.com/ literature. In my review I speculated that I would greatly enjoy the book, ending with, “I can’t wait to read this book.” I was very disappointed, sadly. There are very few books that I would never under almost any circumstances recommend to anyone. At all. And this is one of them. The biggest problem I had with the book is that halfway through it seemed like Mr. R. S. Belcher (ha!) actually knew where he was going with it. It seemed like he had cultivated all these story lines and was going to bring them all together in an astounding conclusion. It seemed like he

actually CARED AND LOVED US. Alas, Mr. Belcher did not. He breathed life into these characters, making them each seem like they would be the one to tip the scales at the crucial moment, leading them through their trials and tribulations to meet their destiny on the pages of this novel, and all of them rushing forward toward the crescendo of the narrative and then…they don’t. The “battle” is described in a medium amount of detail, leading up to the unleashing of the scary monster that is then vanquished, somehow, by one of the main characters. He’s not really generous on the details right about this point. But then another character, who has been having his own epiphanies regarding this very powerful

artifact he possesses, uses said very powerful artifact to summon an army of dead spirits and rams it down the throat of big scary monster. But at this point the monster is already defeated. I may be wrong. It was hard to envision in my head as I was reading, so if anyone has a problem feel free to write in and correct me. But as of now, the ending sucked. It sucked so much because it wasn’t just the suck of a bad ending. It was the suck of a bad ending, plus the disappointment of ruining a pretty decent middle. When I reached the end, it was like what I had just read wasn’t just shoving its ass in my face; it was standing on my balls and shoving its ass in my face. It really turned me off to ending things.

Short Story Corner: Sitting Hard

Alex Miklovic Contributor

Illustration by Eddie Viramontes Contributor

I often sit at the café with the outer edge of one heel resting upon the knee of the other leg (half Indian-style I suppose). This is about as uncomfortable as sitting gets for me. You see, I am not flexible in that way about the knee joint and so when I sit like this it feels as though something is about to tear, or rip, or explode. So why do I sit like this? In one word: Fashion. In nineteen words: I sit this way because it makes me appear more sensitive, more introspective and therefore more of an intellectual. It is simply a matter of style. Fashion over comfort. Fashion with incredible discomfort. Getting into the position alone requires a forceful manipulation

of limb that borders self-mutilation, and holding the position is nothing short of a test of mental fortitude—one that I have developed many tricks for. I practice breathing techniques. Escape to tropical islands. Take the pain ten seconds at a time. If you saw me outside one café or another, as always with a precisely angled black beret and sipping coffee with one hand while holding open a copy of Paradise Lost with the other, you would never guess that I am silently descending the rungs of hell, counting the breaths until I can turn one unread page to the next and thinking, over and over again, “Just ten more seconds, bro. You look so damn cool.”

Wes Verner Literature Editor

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Science Finds New Rays The Maile Gayze

Connor O’Brien Photo Editor

Art by Rose Feduk Comics Editor Concept by Christy Bonham Union Staffer Union Weekly—25 February 2013

COMICS

Volume 72 Issue 6

Monday, February 25, 2013

LBUNION.COM

DISCLAIMER:

He Who Shall Be Named: The Deville Longbottom Conspiracy apartment

Lay’s Brings New Meaning to the Term “Chip off the Old Block” This month, Lay’s company, creators of

where

such as Dill Pickle and BLT, released

better part of the

by Raul Rasputia

Sriracha

by Grunion Staff

Harry

for a limited time only: Cheesy Garlic Bread, Sriracha, and Chicken and

Potter in the contest the company held last year in

The Goblet of Fire

Fortunately for the foodie members on our

and it totally ruined my day and made dad

We put them on a chair and recorded all the ladies’ restroom, it says that one who is collection of Harry Potter

Cheesy Garlic Bread piece of cheese that my landlord slipped

class on American history and learned about

Bonaparte in order to make his wife come is the real culprit behind the recent broccoli

pectorals like these? Call me immature and

blatant racism and capitalism totally don’t

Inside

LACK OF ATTENDANCE SAVES HUNDREDS FROM HORRIBLE NASCAR CRASH

KANYE WEST TO SEAHORSE KARDASHIAN BABY IN NEW ALBUM

ETHAN HAWKE SET TO STAR IN GUY FIERI BIO PIC