Ride or Die

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INTRO

Issue 80.4

3

Alejandro Ramos, Editor-in-Chief editorinchief@lbunion.com Bailey Mount, Managing Editor manager@lbunion.com Nathan Zankich, Web Manager web@lbunion.com Alexis Cruz, Social Media Manager Allison Meyer, Multimedia Manager Britney Weller, Multimedia Assistant Alfredo Bañuelos, Advertising Executive Aravind Karuppusamy, Ads Associate Christopher Orozco, Distribution Manager

ART & DESIGN Sam Orihuela, Art Director artdirector@lbunion.com John Mueller, Graphics Illustrator illustration@lbunion.com

EDITORIAL Matthew Gozzip, Athletics Editor athletics@lbunion.com Sylvana Uribe, Community Editor community@lbunion.com Sheila J. Sadr, Lead Copy Editor sheila@lbunion.com Tara Thomas, Copy Editor Amanda Dominguez-Chio, Culture Editor amanda@lbunion.com Madison Gallegos, Culture Editor madison@lbunion.com Peter R. Clark, Entertainment Editor entertainment@lbunion.com Mercedes Colomar, Grunion Editor grunion@lbunion.com

Hablamos con Ramos Alex Ramos Editor-in-Chief When I first became editor-in-chief, I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of work that was ahead of me. For some reason, I refused to ask for help. I felt like I had to take on the bulk of the work on my own. And so, there were a lot of nights where I felt like I was alone in the struggle to make something good.

Turns out I wasn’t alone, though. I had friends by my side that wanted to help me. Still, I let my pride get in the way for a long time. I pushed my friends away and continued to struggle on my own, which I thought was a sign that I was a good leader.

But slowly and surely, I came around.

I let my friends take some of the weight off my shoulders. And I let them help me

make that something good.

As a result, things got better. I wasn’t as stressed. I wasn’t as anxious. Instead, I felt at peace knowing that I didn’t have to put together a newspaper all on my own.

This is just one of many examples of why friends are important. Without them, we would all be lonely people trying to make it through the obstacles that are thrown in our way. Friends make it easier to bear with and overcome these obstacles. Friends make the struggle worth it. Friends make life better.

In the words of Michael Fricke from College Beat, “I just want to make cool things with my friends.”

And that’s what I get to do here. How

many people could say that about their jobs? I’m willing to wager that less than the majority could. I’m grateful for the fact that I’m one of the ones that can.

I would not be here without my friends. I love them and I’m grateful for them.

This week, we’re bringing you stories of friendship and what makes it special.

It’s our way of flipping the script on Valentine’s Day, which is normally reserved for couples.

Love doesn’t have to be romantic. It can be platonic between two people who just want to hang out and be there for each other.

Francisco Valladares

A review of the apocalyptic,

Women’s basketball defy

Shopping out of a shipping

CONTRIBUTOR

sci-fi, western comic series

the odds as they write their

container? It’s more common

“East of West”

own fairy tale

than you think

see page 13

see page 6

see page 4

Kaila-Marie Hardaway, Music Editor music@lbunion.com Elliott Gatica, Music Editor music@lbunion.com Jordan Daniels, Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com

STAFF MEMBERS Natalee Coloman Karrie Comfort Wardah Imran Diana Martinez Samantha Neou Soun Oeng R. Ray Robinson

Erick Zepeda COVER DESIGN BY: Nathan Zankich and Sam Orihuela FEATURE DESIGN BY: Sam Orihuela CONTACT US Snail Mail: 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 116 Long Beach, CA 90815 Phone: 562.985.4867 E-mail: lbunion.info@gmail.com Classifieds: classifieds.lbunion@gmail.com

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A Foodie's Paradise

4 COMMUNITY

Venturing into a local Instagram obsession on a $20 budget

By Jordan Daniels Opinions Editor

Jordan Daniels/Opinions Editor

G

rowing up in the East Bay area, there were many times where I would see a forest of shipping containers littering the Port of Oakland.

I’ve seen movies and TV shows of people using shipping containers as secret homes and hideouts. But I have never seen them crafted to hold miniature eateries. I guess that’s they why they call it SteelCraft.

SteelCraft is an urban foodie paradise-park made out of repurposed shipping containers.

I’ve followed them on Instagram ever since they had their soft opening; but upon hearing about the official opening on Feb. 2, I decided that it was time to finally check it out.

With the promise of coffee from the Steelhead Coffee container, a port from one of our favorite shops in the California Heights area, I dragged my housemate out of bed.

Entering through the metal-fenced doors, we found ourselves in a lush combination of turf, dirt and reclaimed wood. In between, the space holds a neutral color palette with pops of red for vibrancy.

There are currently eight vendors in the food court. The shops range in delectable variety from craft beer to gourmet burgers, to Ramen and even a waffle shop. So there isn’t a shortage of a choices.

Top row from left to right: Customers patiently wait outside of Steelhead Coffee; Pork Belly Fries and tater tots from Pig Pen Delicacy; an employee from The Fresh Shave poses for the camera.

Left: WaffleLove’s Dulce de Liege is a churro waffle topped with fried ice cream, strawberries, fresh cream and drizzled in caramel.

Despite only coming for coffee on the first day, I knew I had to come back again because their Instagram feed was too mesmerizing to ignore. Loading my wallet with $20, I set out to see how far it would take me.

I began at Smog City Brewing Co., the craft beer vendor. I’m not a huge beer person to begin with, but lately my taste buds have started enjoying the flavors more.

The vendor, which has a taproom in Torrance, prides itself on having pilsners, stouts and ales. I tried two different beers, Kumquat Saison and Coffee Porter. The first was a bit on the dry side, with a tangy

flavor that I imagine was the kumquat, but the latter was where it was at. Tasting like a smooth cold brew, the Coffee Porter was a treat I would definitely get again.

With the beers out of the way, I needed something to help soak them up so I went to Pig Pen Delicacy, which was caddy corner from Smog City. Pig Pen looked the most promising on Instagram because they have so many different styles of burgers and appetizers. Their signature is a “Cheesy Mac Bun Burger,” which literally has mac and cheese fried to make buns for a burger.

Unfortunately, I was already seven bucks down from my $20 so I had to be economical.

I settled on their “Pork Belly Fries,” a sinful treat. Their fries are smothered in melted cheese and cilantro sauce, then topped with crispy pork belly and pico de gallo.

I also scored some tater tots from a neighboring table that offered me theirs because they received an extra batch for free, and who am I to turn down free deliciousness?

Down to my last $7, I knew that I wanted to have something sweet to end my time. I spotted WaffleLove, a vendor that originally began as a food truck a few years ago and imports their waffle batter from Belgium to create beautiful Liege waffles.

I ogled at their “Dulce de Liege,” a churro waffle topped with fried ice cream, strawberries, fresh cream and drizzled caramel. The total came out to almost $10, so I had to cheat the haul and use my debit card for the rest of the payment.

I figured it was a small price for satisfaction.

The adventure at Steelcraft was as swift as it was delicious, and a little bit expensive.

Clearly, your $20 won’t exactly get you far; but if you budget well, you can come out pretty satisfied. Next time, however, I’m coming for the ramen.

Visit SteelCraft 3768 Long Beach Blvd.

Long Beach, Calif.

90807 steelcraftlb.com

OPINIONS

Love: Is it Alive or Dead?

5

Two students talk about what Valentine’s Day means to them

By Tara Thomas Copy Editor

Remember Valentine’s Day back in elementary school? It meant storebought cards adorned with corny puns and your favorite cartoon character. It meant giggles in the hall as your crush walked by. And of course, it meant a vast array of heart shaped sweets for you to rot your teeth on.

It was a simpler time.

Now, Valentine’s Day is a different game. One that involves expectations. If you’re in a relationship, one is expected to plan a romantic evening or invest in a meaningful gift of jewelry, chocolate and flowers, among other things.

These purchases often add up to a monetarily substantial display of commitment. Just like every other major holiday in American culture, Valentine’s day has been commercialized for all it’s worth.

Big name companies like Hallmark and See’s Candies have ingrained into our minds the idea that gift-giving is an expression of love. This mentality can also been linked to other festive days, most notably Christmas, Easter and birthdays.

But while these holidays concentrate on the relatively stable relationships between family and friends, Valentine’s Day is capitalizing on the insecurities that some couples may feel in their romantic relationship.

It makes me sad that love has to be presented in a wrapped package in order for someone to feel special, because shouldn’t love just be a thing that we share all year long?

Sure, you may have to embrace the loneliness for a day if you happen to be single when the 14th rolls around, but at least you’d get to save a few bucks.

“Think of Valentine’s Day as a ‘loveydovey’ type of Christmas.”

“Valentine’s Day has been commercialized for all it’s worth.”

Valentine’s Day is finally here and after learning about the history of the day, I’m all in support of it. According to history.com, Valentine’s Day was named after a martyr named Saint Valentine of Rome who fought against the Catholic church over banning marriages for young men and also sent the first “valentine” greeting to his jailer’s daughter.

However, there are still some arguments as to whether or not the holiday was named after this particular Valentine or another saint named Valentinus. Nevertheless, there is the reoccurring theme of romance — usually in the form of marriage. Sounds cute right?

It doesn’t always end in marriage, from what I understand, but either way, these arguments explain all the festivities surrounding the holiday today. Think of Valentine’s Day as a “lovey-dovey” type of Christmas — it might as well be with all the products on the market.

After all, it’s never a bad idea to appreciate your significant other, or

By Alexis Cruz Social Media Manager

even a platonic friend, on a special day.

Speaking of platonic friends, remember when you were a kid and gave Valentine’s cards to all your classmates? We get to bring that back for people of all ages, except the cards go to people you actually care about and instead of giving candy you can go out for drinks.

So instead of wallowing in self-pity over how alone you might be on Valentine’s day, find a friend or two and do something! Take advantage of those specials going around, be lame together, and love having fun with someone who makes you happy.

6 ATHLETICS

Self-Made Cinderella Women’s basketball marching towards spot in national tournament Words and Graphics by Matthew Gozzip Athletics Editor

title. rence e f n o c an a the ore th m g n eeki tournament s e r a ilson who still struggle to ce W e C , r wye defeat the very best teams in the a S n ely , Jew country.

The critics are justified in their y r e gom Mont movement too.

The reservations surrounding the team. n o s adi m, M Beach holds the 16th best That being said, the Beach has their own i K a nn an, A turnover margin in the nation (6.24+) and a trump card: experience.

The senior quartet of w o C Mc rtina Titans last near equal assist to turnover ratio.

Senior guard Kim, guard Raven Benton and the frontcourt a M , on Bent Thursday, showcased Anna Kim is not only the face of the team but of Jewelyn Sawyer and Madison Montgomery aven R , t r Ge the team’s full potential. also an intelligent floor general that knows offer more than just statistical contribution. a c i s Jes ight: The Beach shot a near equal percentage to the system and the personnel better than After a four-game losing streak early in the r o t left Cinderella looks CSUF but still managed to limit the amount most players on other teams. season against the aforementioned highly From different running up and of good looks at the basket. The Titans shot 22 Even with stellar ball possession and ranked teams, the seniors have kept the team down the court in the Walter Pyramid. less shots than the 49ers, a startlingly statistic defense, The Beach has struggled all season to focus in check.

A pumpkin morphing into a carriage? considering that both teams had the same field field an efficient offense. Shooting woes (38.3 The spotty record became secondary to Replace it with a basketball. goal percentage. True to their form all season, percent season average) and lack of rebounds continual improvement over the season. Against Glass slippers and an elegant dress? How The Beach’s defense disrupted the ball, forcing (ranked 261st in the nation) prevent the 49ers the No. 22 ranked University of South Florida about neon yellow Lebron 10’s and compression 23 turnovers and chalking up nine steals. from closing out close games.

Bulls, LBSU upset the Bulls for their first win sleeve shirts instead.

LBSU’s recent hot streak has been fueled by However, a potential solution has recently against a ranked team in nearly two years. Ever A coachman and footmen? Try a point guard this tenacious team defense, one of the peskiest emerged in junior guard Jessica Gertz, a deadly since then, the team has gone 9-4. that drives the team and a group of blue collar groups in the nation. markswoman heating up from the three-point Credit also has to go to Coach Jody Wynn defenders that do all the dirty work.

The Beach is ranked 26th in line as of late. In last week’s contest for experimenting with new lineup changes, The Long Beach State women’s basketball the nation in turnovers against CSUF, Gertz nailed extending roles for junior guard Cece Wilson and team may not have that much in common with forced per game nine three-pointers, a sophomore guard Martina McCowan to develop the protagonist from the classic fairytale, but (20.52) and has career-high and school- them into two of the best defenders for The Beach. the story feels all too similar. Even though they a c c u m u l a t e d record at LBSU. There are six regular season games left are atop the Big West standings, experts don’t more than 240 In the past for The Beach until the Big West conference project them to make it to the end-of-season steals in just five games tournament where the winner gets an automatic tournament, NCAA March Madness.

25 contests. alone, Gertz invitation to the NCAA tournament. Luckily, LBSU is not compromised with the E v e n has converted the first leg of the tournament will be played at darlings of the ball, rather a collection of though their more than 20 home in the Pyramid before moving to the local players overlooked by more prestigious o p p o n e n t ’ s three-pointers, Honda Center. LBSU technically holds a homecollege basketball programs. There is no fairy have converted by far the most court advantage in the postseason, furthering godmother that grants them size — they are one 42.3 percent of on the team. the possibility of this becoming a special season of the shorter teams in the conference. Critics their field goal The offensive for the 49ers. that cite the 49ers limitations don’t even give the attempts, the 49ers problems will not be The 49ers may not have clinched a spot team any coverage at all. have broken the rhythm of solved by just Gertz but if in the NCAA tournament at the moment but Blame it on profile of the conference or opposing offenses. the rest of the team finds a way that may be a blessing in disguise. The Beach the minimal national exposure but make Quick hands and a defensive to find her open or find more efficient now have an opportunity to continue to refine no mistake about it, The Beach is ready to system that enables players to switch between looks for the more accurate players on the their performance before facing off against the march towards March. assignments more efficiently has made the 49ers team, the defense might be enough to hold nation’s best.

The 49ers won five of their last six games, a tough team to start a continual scoring run off stronger opponents.

Cinderella continues to dance like there capturing the head-to-head tiebreaker over on. If the game is close, The Beach has a higher All things considered, The Beach may not is no tomorrow, because there might not the University of California, Davis for the top chance of winning. be ready at this moment to make a deep March be. Despite the gauntlet that lays ahead, spot in the conference. LBSU’s latest victory, an What makes it even more frustrating for their Madness run. They were dominated by superior the clock isn’t anywhere close to striking 84-55 drubbing over California State Fullerton opponents is that the 49ers have proficient ball teams such as Duke, Florida and USC, regulars in midnight on The Beach.

“If the game is close, The Beach has a higher chance of winning based on their defense .”

8 FEATURE

RIDE OR DIE Jess and Jenna going to prom in 2015.

By Sheila J Sadr Staff Writer Sometimes, friendships start off a little complicated.

There are points when you hardly remember how they started, or how they changed. Moments blur with each other and blend together until you look back and realize how much has changed, how much you’ve grown.

But then there are the friendships where you know exactly when and how it started. You remember very the moment you first saw them. Maybe you met them in an old poetry class or wasted at a party on a saturday night. Either way, the juncture sticks to you like gum at the bottom of your shoe. Maybe you even remember when it transformed, turned into something else entirely – for better or worse.

For Nate Bussey, a post-grad Single Subject Credential Program student, friendships tend to take that route. For him, romance and friendship have crossed paths several times but, surprisingly enough, often have not failed him.

“All of the really platonic relationships [with womyn] for me... they started off dating,” said Nate. “And then, they [we] lived together and then we’re fine.”

It’s an interesting path to friendship, to say the least, but Bussey believes it was

imperative for him to go through.

“One of the friends that has influenced me the most is one of those failed romantic relationship types,” said Nate. “Even when we broke up, we still paired up and lived together… She was good to have around – once I dealt with what I needed to deal with, in regards to it.”

When asked whether or not it was important to break down that physical tension in order to continue into a friendship, Nate gave a resounding yes.

“If you don’t do it, then you’re just screwing yourself. You’re just setting yourself up for a bad time. You’re setting yourself up for a lot of misery,” said Nate.

“It is really important to get that disconnect at first.”

Nate describes his friend group as idyllic, in the collegiate sense.

“They are the weirdest most incestuous group of hippies,” said Nate. But assures he “wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

He explains how two of these peculiar relationships began within this hippie tribe. Because to Nate, friendships are about spending time with people who have something in common and that you enjoy being around, and romance is just “a few steps past the common ground.”

That love goes a fraction beyond friendship and, as such, the two tend to mix and mismatch. To Nate, that’s okay.

This kind of love to him is special. It intermingles. It expands. It openly breaks apart and rebuilds. This love within his friend group has even ended up saving Nate a couple times.

For example, Nate recalls a night among his friends that felt particularly treacherous.

“There was a night when I thought I was going to die,” said Nate. “Because of various narcotics that were ingested, basically I spent 40 minutes face down in a toilet bowl having awful, not like hardcore hallucinations but definitely real impaired vision to the point where shapes were not like the shapes they should be.”

He felt dissociated and began what he describes as a “drug-induced panic attack.”

Toilet bowl in face, Nate contemplated what he believed was his inevitable end.

“I was just in there like ‘This is it. This is how I go. This is bad.’”

But his friends have always been there for him, even in this moment of complete drug-induced terror and dread, Nate could always reach ouch and a helping hand would be there.

“I can call and have a friend come and

rub my back and tell me ‘you’re not gonna die, probably. You’re all right.’”

It is in this moment that Nate has a rather beautiful and cruel epiphany on friendship that many seldom have.

“And that was one of the biggest things too, right? Misery loves company. Just a little bit of solidarity. Like fuck man, what you’re dealing with right now is some bullshit but like you got this though.”

So, there he was. One minute face down where he thought he was going to die and then on a bed his friends moved him to; the next, about 10 minutes he says, he got up and made some joke, ate a breakfast burrito and headed off to bed.

And isn’t that the beauty of it?

That friendship brings you back. No matter the beginning (or, rather, the end in Nate’s case), friends bring you back to all the good. They remind you that everything is going to be okay and to simply enjoy the ride. That origin doesn’t necessarily matter but the journey and the present does.

That “some of the best friendships are the friendships that are complete and total accidents.”

9 FEATURE

By Samantha Neou Staff Writer We like to think there’s a defining moment when two people realize there’s a deeper connection between them, but for Jess Kung and Jenna Cady, sometimes that just happens.

Jess is a journalism major at California State University, Long Beach. They hardly watch movies, but play Nintendo DS games and enjoy cooking. They’re a tad awkward and cautious when it comes to making friends, comparing this experience to dipping their toe in water.

Jenna on the other hand attends Pacific University in Portland as a music major with a minor in dance and theatre.

They love horror films, musicals and baking. They’re social and “cannonball” into friendships, as Jess puts it.

They both seem to be on opposite ends of the personality spectrum, with the odds stacked against them. Despite this, they’re still each other’s haven, texting and calling one another at one a.m.

“Jess is the only one who will always have my back,” said Jenna. “I can be gross at one a.m. and be like ‘hey Jess’ and they’ll be like ‘ayeee’. I don’t really have friends like that.”

Jess and Jenna met at Adrian C. Wilcox High School in Santa Clara, California in their freshman biology class.

“I started high school trying to find the most isolated place I could and sitting alone until they [Jenna] were like, ‘what the fuck bro, sit with my group’,” said Jess.

From then on out, they were friends.

They joined marching band together, did a musical their senior year and went to prom in a group together.

They remember the nights where they tried watching Netflix, spent time petting Jenna’s cats and when Jenna would fall asleep at Jess’ house while they played video games.

“I’ve never relied on a person as much as I do on Jenna,” said Jess. “Even from a distance, it’s like I have someone that knows

me. Like we’ve gone through some shit.”

High school friendships don’t usually translate well into college, but somehow Jess and Jenna did it. They’re often confused about how they became good friends, but the more they describe their relationship, the more it becomes clear why.

“A lot of times it feels like we’re on the same wavelength,” said Jenna. “You can have the same interests as someone but then feel like you’re on a different frequency.

But with Jess, even if we have the opposite interests, I’d be able to say something and Jess would kind of get it.”

“It’s like a trust fall,” said Jess.

And they’re right. It has been a litany of trust falls for them since high school and they’re still catching each other to this day.

It doesn’t matter how far apart their worlds are because of the mutual trust and interest between them. The kind where one a.m. talks are normal.

That’s friendship. That’s love. And sometimes it just happens.

unconditional love that is family, fights and mishaps are frequent occurrences that require constant forgiveness.

“With sisters, you can get away with a lot more than with other friends. You can say

have to say sorry.

It’s like, we have to live with each other. So we just move on in an hour, or a day, or whatever.”

Bradshaw says that, in the same way that good friends do, her sisters provide her with endless support and encouragement—each of them in their own ways.

“My oldest sister, Jenesa, is super caring and always there for me. She recently became a real mom, but she’s been like a mom since day one,” said Jayla. “My other sister is caring in that she’s a shoulder to cry on. She’ll be like, ‘Do you need to cry? Let’s cry together.’”

Bradshaw wholeheartedly accepts that she doesn’t know what she would do without her sisters.

“I definitely rely on my parents financially, but if I’m ever stranded or something, I’d call my sisters first,” said Jayla.

It only takes a few minutes of talking

with Bradshaw before it is clear that she and her sisters share a universe between them—one full of inside jokes, quirks only understood by each other, and years of companionship.

Here is to siblings, our first and forever best friends.

By Wardah Imran Staff Writer For many, the relationship they share with their siblings is not one they’d immediately think of as a friendship, despite the intimate bond that often exists between brothers and sisters.

CSULB senior Jayla Bradshaw has always said that her older sisters, Jenesa and Jillian, are her best friends in every sense. The closeness to her sisters formed at an early age, when her family hit difficult times.

Indeed, the solace and understanding that forms between people as a result of shared experiences is an irreplaceable source of comfort. And with siblings, you’re never alone.

“It was almost like we had to turn to each other, because we only had each other. In situations like that, your siblings are really the only people who can understand you because they’re going through what you’re going through at the same time,” said Jayla.

“And if you want to talk about it, those are the people you can talk to.”

When it comes to other relationships, if we take different paths in life or even just get into an argument, that could very possibly be the end of it. But in the

“Here is to siblings, our first and forever best friends.”” sometimes hurtful things when necessary.

It’s so much easier to fight and make up,” said Jayla. “Most of the time I don’t even

Does “Hamilton” Warrant All that Attention?

10 MUSIC

By Samantha Neou Intern Lin-Manuel Miranda’s hip-hop musical “Hamilton” chronicles the breathtaking and heartbreaking journey of former Treasury Secretary Alexander Hamilton and explores the relationships with people in his life.

The hit Broadway production has sold out shows in New York, Chicago and soon to be in San Francisco. Grossing over millions of dollars, the prices of each seat range on average from $179 to over a thousand per person. To get a ticket could also mean waiting in line for days.

It has won 11 Tonys, a Pulitzer Prize and a Grammy. The musical has countless celebrity fans including Bernie Sanders, Chance the

“Musical geeks, hip-hop fans and historians can have their grievances with the musical, but its merit is indisputable.”

Rapper, Andre 3000, Daniel Radcliffe, Oprah Winfrey and Conan O’ Brien.

Parts of the musical have been performed twice for former President Obama in the White House. The media attention on “Hamilton” has even gone as far as dissuading the government from abolishing the eponymous figure from the ten dollar bill.

Musical geeks, hiphop fans and historians can have their grievances with the musical, but its merit is indisputable.

Miranda, a second generation Puerto Rican, grew up in north Manhattan with theatre and rap. He manages to seamlessly weave two vastly different genres of music together to create a relevant and relatable story about the life of an old, rich, dead, white male. That’s an accomplishment.

Stripping away the privilege that Hamilton had, and what’s left is a story that echoes the

lives of many Americans today. At its core, the musical is about an immigrant who rises to the top through his unflinching ambition.

Sure, it is often argued that the musical glamorizes the Founding Fathers’ lives, but it doesn’t portray them as perfect. They are each flawed.

For example, historically, former Treasury of Secretary Hamilton was intelligent and determined, but also an arrogant workaholic.

In the musical, this is also true; throughout the work, he is never “satisfied” with what he has. Miranda takes some liberties with how historically accurate the story is, but overall, it’s pretty faithful.

The most unexpected aspect of the musical is how the spotlight isn’t only on Hamilton, but everyone who plays a significant role in his life, such as his frenemy Aaron Burr, his wife Eliza, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison.

We get a glimpse of their lives and how they tie in with Hamilton’s. And you can’t help but care about them all.

The music itself is nuanced, with recurring motifs and lyrics that have been mulled over and perfected. Miranda knows how to produce catchy hooks and slick rhymes. It’s not for everyone, but the blend of two genres works in the musical’s favor because it changes the status quo of the typical Broadway show and becomes accessible to those who hadn’t ever given it a chance.

The play has a bit of everything for everyone.

It’s a story about America’s blossoming government, the role of politics and the importance of family and friendship. The diverse cast of Latinxs, African Americans and Asians transform Hamilton’s story into a universal one, reflecting the melting pot of what America is.

“Hamilton” shouldn’t replace history textbooks or be looked at as just another musical. It’s an impactful work of art that should be enjoyed for what it is. Hate it or love it – any viewer, who immerses themselves into the musical all the way through, will not be able to walk away without reflecting on their own life and their place in the world.

Countdown to 2008 The Observatory appeals to the early generation emo crowd

By Natalee Coloman Staff Writer Whether you’re in your mid-twenties and just recently got into the emo-punk scene, or you’ve been crying since day one, the When We Were Young festival brings out the nostalgia from bands who were popular in the mid-nineties to the early 2000s.

On Feb. 6, the potential tour leaked through social media sites about Morrissey headlining the first-ever WWWY festival. The next morning, the official announcement released through the Santa Ana Observatory’s Instagram page as well as various band pages.

The recent Morrissey tour

announcement came from a “MorrisseyTrump” meme, which was responding to the Trump administration ordering the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Animal Plant Health Inspection Service to take offline any records regarding the Animal Welfare Act. According to an article from the Beagle Freedom Project, this act contained thousands of entities including research facilities and experiments on dogs and cats.

Morrissey’s response to the sudden order was a simple comment: “This is why Trump is everybody’s enemy.”

Morrissey recently rescheduled his U.S. Tour, making WWWY Fest his fifth stop on the list after Mexico.

The change was due to his keyboardist falling ill, causing the management team to drop the remaining dates.

Joining Morrissey are Descendents, AFI, Cage the Elephant, Taking Back Sunday, Silversun Pickups and roughly 30 more bands in the scene.

Tickets are on sale through the festival’s website, whenwewereyoung. net with general admission at $175 and VIP starting at $275.

The official lineup of the WWWY fest at the Santa Ana Observatory.

The “I Love Us” Mixtape

A “lovely” playlist exploring different feelings of love

A playlist to invoke feelings for all the lovebirds out there

By Erick Zepeda Contributor The idea of love as a cosmic force is pretty unrealistic. Love is a chemical reaction, not a supernatural presence.

However, is that really so bad? Take comfort in knowing that loss of love can be mended, that one can always learn to love again.

Rather than

1. Mariah Carey – Fantasy 2. Makeout Point – The Frights 3. Janet Jackson feat. Q-Tip –Got ‘Til It’s Gone

The arduous path to acceptance is laid with

anguish and selfexploration.

8. LVL UP – Pain 9. Mitski – I Don’t Smoke 10. The Drums – I Can’t Pretend 11. Mac DeMarco – Let Her Go 12. SZA – Drew Barrymore

13.Common – Be 14. Murs - Love & Appreciate

MUSIC

Love in Three Dimensions

11

By Soun Oeng Staff Writer maintaining such unrealistic expectations, learn to admire another as a human being. The following list of songs serves to illustrate that very journey of going from the Italian Sonnet to the Shakespearean.

Essentially, out of the naivety of ideal to the abstraction of genuine.

Of course, just like with the fallacy of true love, we inevitably arrive at

this juncture. It slips. It breaks.

There are no highs without lows.

4. Bad Brains – Stay Close To Me 5. Alvvays – Next of Kin 6. Solange – Losing You 7. Radiohead – All I Need

At long last, the revelation of realistic love, the perception of another as an individual

human being and the work that it takes to maintain that companionship.

For the playlist, visit: https://open.spotify.com/user/erick_z/ playlist/6G2GisV8ey2PRVk4i3Ffuj

Forget radio stations and Spotify, I promise I can deliver you the perfect playlist for falling in love. I composed this soundtrack for those of you falling in love because there’s nothing more beautiful and powerful than falling for your significant other.

To give you an overview of what kind of music to expect in this Valentine’s Day exclusive, here is a diverse selection of songs ranging from Pop, Techno and Rock to RnB. Each track encapsulates that incredible cloud-nine feeling down memory lane to when you first met that special someone. Here’s to the romantics and lovebirds at CSULB. Daniel Caesar - “Get You (ft. Kali Uchis)” This is the track to play after a date and think about that special someone.

Caesar’s vocals puts you in a trance and keeps you mesmerized with the slow tempo beats, creating a soulful connection between listener and singer.

Us the Duo - “Falling In Love” The only artists on the list that are actually a couple in real life, Us the Duo captures musically, how beautiful falling in love is. The song is extremely well-written and honest.

Florrie - “Real Love” “Real Love” is a dedication to the Pop lovers. The song essentially explores how falling in love can be both crazy and satisfying, but also something you can’t get enough of.

Oshea - “Blessing” I put this song on the mixtape because it’s a mix of classic RnB beat and voice. When I think of falling in love, I think of playing Oshea.

Alina Baraz - “Electric (ft.

Khalid)” Alina Baraz and Khalid on the same track is magic. The song “Electric” is exactly what the title says – electrifying.

The artists describe falling in love as more than any physical connection, but something deeper and psychological.

This metaphorical comparison of love is accurate and the perfect song to get lost in each other’s eyes.

Somewhere Else - “Move Together (ft. Majid Jordan)” Majid Jordan is an amazing singer.

The song’s message of staying close to your significant other and growing together definitely relates to the playlist’s theme of falling in love.

Steve Lacy - “Donchano” Steve Lacy is the slow rock version of Oshea’s “Blessing.” Lacy serenades the listener in this slow jam hit that expresses his genuine love for someone as amazing as his lover. If this isn’t the intro song to what falling in love looks like, then I don’t know what is.

Jacob Latimore - “The Real (ft.

IshDARR)” In this fun, upbeat, RnB, hipswinging song, Latimore delivers one of the catchiest “falling in love” songs on the list.

Jonas Blue - “Perfect Strangers (ft. JP Cooper)” “Perfect Strangers” realistically approaches how falling in love takes place by explaining to the listeners how they start as strangers.

Baby Bash - “Suga Suga (ft.

Frankie J)” “Suga Suga” is one of the classic love songs people still bump to today because it is what falling in love sounds like back in the early 2000’s.

Arctic Monkeys - “I Wanna Be Yours” This song brings images of being drunk, in love and in love with the idea of falling in love to mind.

The Internet - “Girl (ft.

Kaytranada)” “Girl” is a perfect mix of a slow love song with a hip hop beat that hypnotizes you into what falling in love feels like.

The lyrics explain the process and the risks you’re willing to take to claim it.

12 CULTURE

Make the School Your Canvas

Sylvana Uribe/Community Editor

Judy Lee/Contributor

A guide to the best spots to shoot your fashion

By Jordan Daniels Opinions Editor It started with a brick wall outside the first floor of the USU. The contrast of my blue jeans and gray sweater against that burnt orange stone began my “Outfit of the Day” (#ootd) journey.

If you follow me on Instagram (which you probably don’t, but you should), you’ll notice that I’ve been stepping up my “#ootd” game. Not just in terms of style,

Judy Lee/Contributor

but also in backdrops and settings.

I know this comes off a little bit conceited, but as someone who’s fat, it’s powerful to actually feel like I’m slaying the game every time I post an ensemble.

And I am slaying; check my comments.

In all honesty, I’ve been into fashion for awhile. But it’s hard cultivating your style as a plus-size male, mostly because the opportunity just isn’t always there. Still, I have pushed myself to break free from social ideologies of what should go on my body.

This power of ownership has started me on this personal mission to make the CSULB campus a canvas for my self– fashion shots.

It started with the brick wall and then moved to the “Now” sculpture by Piotr Kowalski, which is located right outside of the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in the USU. Whether it’s sunny or cloudy, the sheet metal reflects the sunlight perfectly to and really pop out all the colors you’re wearing.

Another of my favorite areas is the Friendship Walk outside the bottom floor of the USU. The plots of grass hold rows of trees that stand in a straight line, and posing in the middle of them gives your picture an immense symmetry.

The lines you make and the contrast of nature against your outfit. are so aesthetically pleasing.

One place that’s not easy to get to, and probably isn’t technically allowed, is the “Carlson/Bloc Tower” by Andre Bloc. You have to step over a little bit of shrubbery to get inside of it, but the dirt

and concrete walls give some distressed vibes and make you feel like you’re walking the fine line between the Evil Queen and Rapunzel.

If you don’t want to be locked in a tower but you still want it as a part of your backdrop, I suggest you hit the stairs heading towards the tower. This is another symmetric visual between both sides of the stairs, and the tower serves as a center point for the setting. I suggest getting this picture at a low angle to really capture it all, and do it around sunset time too — you may capture an array of colors in your snap.

My latest outfit feature includes a very simple wall in the USU. It’s gray and in certain light there’s a brick texture to it. When you get at a low angle, it makes the wall appear so much bigger than it is, which is half of the visual pleasure. I won’t tell you where to find it, but it’s probably one of my favorite places to shoot because it’s simple, yet so complementary to any color that you wear.

If you haven’t noticed yet, most of these places are located around the USU. It’s one of the best places to find your next photoshoot location. I know you’re probably tempted to check out the places that I’ve mentioned, but I also challenge you to find your own nooks.

Make the school your canvas. You may be the subject, but your environment makes you stand out just as much as your outfit does. Experiment; try new places, poses and styles and don’t be afraid with the editing features on instagram such as

Judy Lee/Contributor

contrast, highlight, shadows, etc. They are your tools for creativity. Make this your art.

Top left to right clockwise: Jordan happily standing in front of a brick wall; striking a pose in front of the Carlson/Bloc Tower; all smiles in front of the gray wall of the USU; atop the steps leading to the Friendship Walk.

13 CULTURE Nick Dragotta/Image Comics

Inside the world of Jonathan Hickman and Nick Dragotta’s comic series

By Bailey Mount Managing Editor This is how the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a systematic internal destruction caused by those who lead it. All that stands between us and oblivion is Death.

This is the world presented in writer Jonathan Hickman and illustrator Nick Dragotta’s “East of West”.

Set in a dystopian future where the Civil War permanently separated the continental US into the Seven Nations of America, the ongoing monthly comic series blends both science fiction and western tropes in a heavy, but solid story.

The Seven Nations are led by the word of “The Message,” a cryptic prophecy meant to bring about the apocalypse. Believed to be inevitable and necessary, the leaders of these nations - known as the Chosen — work with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to ensure that the prophecy will pass. Unfortunately, the apocalypse has never been so hard to pull off.

It’s a lot to contend with. The heavy storyline makes the first issues of “East of

West” expositional. Issue One follows Death, a character with a cowboy’s style and a god’s fury, seeking vengeance for the pre-series murder of his wife and son.

At its conclusion, he realizes that they are both alive and have been hidden by his siblings and the Chosen to fulfill the Message. His wife tells him to find their son and bring him home. If he fails, he is never to come back.

Death’s son is believed to be the Beast of the apocalypse. The three remaining Horsemen believe he’s only an abomination.

The Chosen don’t really believe in anything.

The personal often becomes political in “East of West”. Despite dedicating a few issues to nearly every member of the Chosen, one message remains clear - people seek to achieve their own ends through any means necessary.

No one can be trusted and no one is safe, leaving readers guessing who will betray who and wondering who will die next. Oftentimes, it happens in the same panel.

With a tagline that says “the things that divide us are stronger than the things that unite us,” it’s clear that “East of West” isn’t for someone expecting a happy ending. It’s gory and cruel, but so is the world in which it is placed. Nothing is done without reason. Nothing happens out of circumstance. There is always a purpose and quite often, that purpose is influenced by one person. At times, however, it’s hard to remember who it was.

This can easily be the biggest, if not only, flaw in “East of West”. There’s a lot going on all at once. Subplots can be easily forgotten and confusing when brought up again. The sheer amount of characters, each vital to the plot in one way or another, can become indistinguishable for a detached reader.

“East of West” demands your undivided attention and spends your every second keeping it. The only problem is remembering what happened last issue.

Other than that, Dragotta and Hickman work together to create something beautiful. Dragotta’s

visceral and sometimes highly stylized art adds a touch of surrealism to the already incredible setting. When the art threatens on distracting, Hickman’s writing grounds the series in reality.

Similarly, the array of emotions present in “East of West” can sometimes only be captured through the character’s facial expressions or through the single, poignant panel of a child stepping into the real world after his lifelong imprisonment.

What is given to readers then is a complementary balance akin to something you would find in infamous past graphic novels like “V for Vendetta” or “The Sandman”. Although its setup is almost unbelievable, “East of West” gives readers a provocative story about rebellion in the face of obstacles — both big and small.

With only 31 issues under its belt so far and a second compilation of past issues coming out in late March, it’s clear that the series only has plans to keep excelling. And although the world inside “East of West” is ending, for many readers, the story is just beginning.

14 ENTERTAINMENT

Dark Samurai Souls

“Nioh” draws inspiration from hard games

By Elliott Gatica Music Editor

When was the last time the gaming community was given a decent triple-A samurai type game? I don’t even know.

“The Dynasty Warriors” and “Samurai Warriors” series don’t really seem to have the lasting appeal like “Nioh.”

Speaking of longevity and appeal, this game excels at having both.

It borrows the combat mechanics, difficulty and the interface of “Dark Souls,” but adds its own in-depth skill and weapon customization system.

Sometimes, I feel as if this game is a reskin of a “Dark Souls” game that is set in the late Sengoku period of Japan.

Like a typical Souls game, “Nioh” has a frustratingly hard difficulty.

So, yes, players who are generally inexperienced or have had no exposure to the “Dark Souls” franchise will have a fun time dying constantly.

Also like the Souls games, dying a first time will result in a loss of experience points gained and drops a beacon of your spirit animal in the location of your death. A second time dying—without retrieving the animal —will result in a loss of all accumulated experience points, which has already happened to me after several aggravating instances.

The mechanics are also the same, but feel a bit faster than the “Souls” franchise. Stamina is consumed from sprinting and using melee weapons.

Compared to “Dark Souls,” though, I feel that “Nioh” punishes the player tenfold if their character runs out of stamina or is left vulnerable in a fight.

It can be a good thing, unless you have little patience.

There’s also a wider range of customizations when it comes to weapons

and abilities. With some randomness in the mix, players can bring lower level weapons up to par with higher level ones through a system called “soul match.” It’s something much appreciated because this allows the player to use the pre-order or downloadable content (DLC), armor and weapons that cap out at earlier levels beyond early and mid-game content. Plus, the armor looks more aesthetically badass.

Speaking of badass, what really made me pick this game up on day one is that I can use my

starting or barebones gear and copy its look onto the more powerful and higher leveled gear.

Customization is a huge deal for me in action RPG games.

T he on ly shor tcom ing I’ ve ex per ienced in t h is g a me is t he stor y. It ’s a lit tle ha rd to follow. T he on ly cha r ac ters I k now a re t he player-controlled cha r ac ter, W illia m, a nd some n inja na med Ha n zo w it h a r a ndom cat in h is clot hes. Appa rently, W illia m is a wester n sa mu r a i in pu rsu it of a person na med Kelly, who had ta ken h is spir it a n ima l.

“I feel that “Nioh” punishes the player tenfold if their character runs out of stamina.”

It u nveils t he locat ion of Japa n, wh ich benef it ted Kelly in sea rch ing for “A m r ita .” I t hought A m r ita was just t he ter m for ex per ience points in t h is g a me, but appa rently it ’s more t ha n t hat. Li ke I sa id, it ’s ha rd to follow.

Overall, this game is something that Souls and samurai game fans will definitely appreciate. Hell, this is even more of a challenge than the “Dark Souls” games.

“Nioh” Developed by: Team Ninja Published by: Koei Tecmo, Sony Interactive Entertainment Directors: Fumihiko Yasuda, Yosuke Hayashi Writers: Fumihiko Yasuda, Makoto Shibata, Masaki Fujita Katsuyuki Shiga Composer: Yugo Kanno Out now on: PlayStation 4 for $59.99

The Hesitant Nun

15 ENTERTAINMENT

Temptation takes its course in “Little Sister”

By Peter R. Clark Entertainment Editor A random string of events lead me to “Little Sister,” a film that I initially thought was going to be alright, but proved to be better than that.

When I read the film’s synopsis on IMDb, I wasn’t sure what to expect. It seemed very basic and not very interesting, but it was the poster that drew me in.

The movie takes place around the 2008 election. It centers around Colleen Lunsford (Addison Timlin) who is training

to become a nun. When she receives an email from her mother, Joani (Ally Sheedy), explaining that her brother, Jacob (Keith Poulson), has returned from the Iraq war, she decides to return home after being away for some time. Upon returning, we discover that her brother returned from war disfigured, and that Colleen also used to be a goth who harbored a lot of religious hatred. Colleen’s return brings about a sense of enticement to return to her old ways.

From the start, the cinematography is on point. The shots in numerous scenes are excellent and worthy of recognition.

This is especially apparent when Colleen first returns home. The long shot that begins when she arrives to her house and ends when she enters is great.

Another thing that surprised me was the film’s pacing. For being a shorter film, I was pleased that it was paced well. What kept me in it was the clever use of editing to allow scenes to last just as long as needed to, without any of them taking to long to get to their point.

Where the film shines is in its acting and characters. The two best characters in this film are Colleen and her brother Jacob. A close third is the Joani who falls

into the role of a “failed mother.” If it were up to me, the entire film would be about Jacob and Colleen. Their interactions are what make this film great. The perfect version of this film would include scenes with just them for an hour and 30 mins.

The unfortunate thing about this movie is that it tries to do too much. The interactions, outside of the ones between Colleen and Jacob, are uninteresting.

Their only purpose is to drive the subplots outside of Colleen, but these subplots are bland in comparison.

That being said, this movie is really good. While the other interactions are bland, they make you yearn more for the

scenes between Colleen and Jacob and that makes those scenes so much better.

The music in the film was also really good. The songs fit the film perfectly.

Overall, “Little Sister” is an excellent film that got swept under the rug. It is truly a wonderful film for anyone who enjoys stories of temptation.

“Little Sister” Length: 1 hr 31min Directed By: Zach Clark Written By: Zach Clark and Melodie Sisk Starring: Addison Timlin, Ally Sheedy, Keith Poulson, Peter Hedges, Barbara Crampton, Kristin Slaysman and Molly Plunk

Like Any Other Normal Santa Clarita Family Horror sitcom takes a bite out of Netflix

By Bailey Mount Managing Editor When realtor Sheila Hammond (Drew Barrymore) inexplicably becomes a member of the undead, she and her husband, Joel (Timothy Olyphant) find themselves facing bigger problems than house listings.

Netflix’s new original series “Santa Clarita Diet” premiered on Feb. 3.

Blending situational horror and comedy, the 10-episode series mocks the setup of typical suburban family sitcoms like

“Modern Family” and “Raising Grace,” while simultaneously breathing fresh life into the long-dead zombie trope.

The series’ synopsis discloses little.

Writing Sheila has “developed a truly killer new personality.” This generated a lot of buzz about the series’ subject matter when the series was first introduced.

For a moment, the shows feels as if Netflix had finally missed its mark. The acting is over-the-top, almost laughable

in its poor quality. But, keeping in mind both Netflix’s track record for successful original series and the acting skills of the series’ cast, it soon becomes clear that “Santa Clarita Diet” isn’t looking to be taken too seriously.

“We’re just like any other normal Santa Clarita family,” insists Sheila’s desperately optimistic husband, Joel.

Between trying to eat an entire man in one night and making sure their teenage daughter, Abby (Liv Hewson), doesn’t drop out of school, it’s a bit of a stretch to call their lives “normal.” Sheila concerns herself with the best way to preserve a human body in their storage unit, for later consumption. Her casual attitude over this concerns Joel.

This is where “Santa Clarita Diet” builds its success—in the subtle inclusion of the supernatural in this mundane world.

Sheila’s existence as a zombie is more of an inconvenience to her family. Her condition does not dominate the show, but rather exists as a hindrance akin to any problem

posited in a standard family sitcom.

Despite oftentimes graphic sexual and violent content, the series falls into the same heartwarming pattern that it mocks. Barrymore and Olyphant excel as a married couple adapting to the unusual midlife crisis life has given them. A talented supporting cast flip the picturesque environment over and show viewers the suburbia’s dark underbelly, populated by crooked cops, cheating housewives and helpful store clerks.

With its nonstop tongue-in-cheek humor, “Santa Clarita” is both a biting satire of sitcom suburbia and not. Despite its serious content, this surprisingly lighthearted series will leave viewers hungry for a second season.

“Santa Clarita Diet” Length: 1 Season, 10 Episodes Creator: Victor Fresco Starring: Drew Barrymore, Timothy Olyphant, Liv Hewson, Skyler Gisondo, Mary Elizabeth Ellis, Richard T. Jones and Ricardo Chavira

Volume 80 Issue 04

Monday, February 13th, 2017

LBUNION.COM

The Grunion is a work of satire. It in no way reflects the views of Long Beach Union Weekly or Associated Students Inc.

STAFFERS

THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO

Mercedes Colomar GRUNION EDITOR Cervantes LeMans STAFF

Send submissions to: grunion@lbunion.com

ASK MS. COLOMAR

DEAR MS. COLOMAR,

I want to fuck my boyfriend with a fox suit on, but I’m not sure how to introduce the idea to him. Do you have any ideas on how to tempt him into getting it on with a closet furry?

FROM, Yiff Daddy Supreme

DEAR YIFF DADDY SUPREME, Well first, you lure him into the closet.

He’s less likely to notice your fursona if it’s super fucking dark.

Is he a hairy guy? Probably not.

Because if he was, you wouldn’t feel the need to have synthetic fur cover your skin like some Silence of the Lambs Liberace. But on the other hand, if you’re a fox that’s into bears...he probably won’t feel anything unusual besides his own fluffy hair.

Lastly, if you want to open your foxhole, he should accept it no matter how much fur it’s covered in. Be wide. Be open with him.

DEAR MS. COLOMAR, I have an fetish that I don’t think my boyfriend will like. I want to introduce biting into the bedroom. What advice do you have for someone that secretly wants to be a vampire?

FROM, TwilightGirl99

By Mercedes Colomar

GRUNION EDITOR

T

his week has been weird. I got a call from Olivia Ofrenda, the infamous Femme Fatale who, under Grim Fandango, released an article containing a certain word.

The weird thing is that Olivia profusely apologized and wants to write for us again. She even offered to give the Grunion a complete redesign. After much contemplation, I accepted her return on the condition that she does

INSIDE

CHILD SAYS NO TO DRUGS................2 SWOLE PATROL....................................3 HELLO WORLD I’M DEAD INSIDE........4 ZOMBIES EAT BABIES TOO.................5 UNFRIENDLY SINGER EATS TOFU.....6 NEVER GAMBLE YOUR LIFE AWAY.777 HOW TO THROW A FOOTBALL...........8

truth. Trump wants to censor talks about the environment, because he secretly hates the idea of being wrong about something. Trump also may or may not have a baby penis.

That is neither here nor there, though.

OTHER DIMENSIONS ARE BULLSHIT

By Salmon G. Lawyer

C MONSTER

S

cientist are now able to enter other dimensions.

We did not know other dimensions existed. We sort of took it for fiction and made up stuff like the Boogeyman or Bernie becoming president. Either way, we managed to find alternative realities in which different historical events occurred, but were running at the same time as of ours.

There is a universe in which Hitler became an artist, Japan never invented Hentai, and Russia did, in fact, seize the means of production (fucking finally).

Because World War II never happened, communism managed to spread all over world including the United States. Thus, the need for factories never occurred, as well as the innovation and competition for better technology. As of now and in that

reality, the I-фhоnэ 7S by Supreme Steev Dzhobs are being released in Potatoэs stores nearby.

“There is this one dimension where Ernie won the presidential election in 2016.

The vice presidential candidate was Bert.

Congress was run by puppeteers. It was just one giant muppet universe where every living being had hands up their asses,” according to Dr. Go Phuck Urselph, who graduated with Ph.D in Physics and a B.S. degree in Bullshitting.

However, we hit a wall. The United Parallel Universes Federation (U.P.U.F.) are sueing our universe for the crime of fraud. Apparently, our reality is too confusing to them, because there is no universal consensus on what love mean.

“Look at them! They laugh at their own reality of love, their own misery of it and their own suffering of it! They barely take anything seriously. They get rewarded for doing absolutely anything. Their existence is a joke and an embarrassment to the rest of us [referring to universes],” announced

the Multi-Dimensional Lawyer of U.P.U.F. Our representative responded, “We have no idea on what the settlement or what the punishments are? Do they want our salt? Our planets? Our leftover virgins?

Virgins are super-rare these days.”

In terms of judges, there will be a limit of a billion judges, because having an infinite amount of them would have resulted in a never-ending court case.

“We can’t afford that, literally. We don’t have enough rich people like they do,” commented billionaire Warren Buffet.

As for the jury, there will be one omniscient being, one ball of cosmic energy and O.J. Simpson. We reached out to Mr. Simpson for comments.

“They [Multi-Dimensional] think that my trial was a television show. They admired my acting as an innocent celebrity but I became guilty of murder.”

“But wait...are you guilty?”

Mr.Simpson refused to comment.

does 56+ dmg when equipped with a onehanded shield.”

Whether you disagree or agree with us, we are going to respect your unheard and unreceived decision. We also ask to shove your “love” for us deep inside you and keep it there. We do not want to hear it, touch it, smell it, read it or eat it. We are allergic to it. Last time we accepted love, we all got herpes.

Like herpes, we understand that Valentine’s Day is tough to get rid of.

Whether you are single, in a monogamous relationship or polyamorous one, we know you are bombarded. We also know that Marvin Gaye’s sexual healing can heal. So for the celebrators of “love,” we ask you to fuck silently and pull hair gently and safely feather slap the shit out of each other.

As for all the singles who want to get intimate with a lovely stranger of their

selective interest, we invite you to listen to whale noises as you think about them. (It helps ease the pain that you are not with them. Trust us, it is like that chemical crap sprayed on nails for nail biters).

To sum it all up, let your week be full of love or filled in with it. Just get yourself checked.

In non-sequitur news, Jan. 17th will be the 9th anniversary of the Lewinsky scandal, or Lewinskygate. Now we can all truthfully say, “We did not have sexual relationships with that woman.”

LOVE IS ACTUALLY HERPES

DEAR TWILIGHTGIRL99, I can relate. It’s hard to introduce biting to your partner when you have all teeth and no lips to cushion the blow.

It’s always, “No, Mercedes, you’re a skeleton!” and “No, Mercedes, this is sexual harassment. We covered this in HR training!”

In your case, however, I would reccomend just slipping a pair of those fake plastic teeth into your mouth during.

If he freaks, you can just say it was a prank and then bury your shame in a Fifty Shades of Grey novel, you vampire fetishist.

the redesign. Hopefully it looks good.

Check it out next week.

I have to stop writing these like intros to the fucking paper. So, let’s get down to some hard hitting news.

Trump is getting a lot of cats in his office and they don’t seem like good hombres. He gave the FCC to some dude who hates the FCC, the department of education to someone who hates education and an assload of others who hate things. That’s a lot of hate in an already hate-driven man.

Also, have you been on the Twitters recently? It’s full of Alternative Government agencies who are telling the

By Cervantes LeMans

STAFF

U

nfortunately, “Baby don’t hurt me/ Don’t hurt me/ No more” is not the answer.

You can repeat it as much as you want, Nestor Haddaway, but it does not give us the answer. Whether it be emotional pain or physical pain, Mr. Haddaway does not want it. (Psh, tell that to a dominatrix).

Hello, Grunion reader, I am here to define love for you through our Grunion Encyclopedia of Shitty Definitions (G.E.S.D).

According to G.E.S.D., love is a “human word with multiple usages and has a lowto-high emotional impact upon exiting things or non-existentant things. It can be interpreted as tangible or intangible. It