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Daily Fourty Niners

Vol. DIX, Issue 3

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Definitely a source for CSULB news

Monday, March 23, 2009

www.LBunion.com

I’m going to blow all of [it] as soon as I get my hands on [it].

-Mark Inez, English Major, on his forthcoming stimulus check

Brotman hall refunds students with $200 stimulus checks Brotman set to distribute checks to students willing to show valid student ID, provide social security, and approach any window

By Harry Metzally Staff Editor

I

n these rough economic times, everyone is tightening their personal budgets, CSULB students included.

Luckily for the Beach, the Federal stimulus package’s effects can now be felt up by all students. Starting today, Monday, March 23, 2009, CSULB students will be able to go to Brotman Hall and pick up their very own cut of Congress’ attempt to boost our struggling economy. Part time students, those taking 11 units or less, will be given checks of $150. Full time students, those taking 12 or more units, will be given $200 checks. All students have to do is provide Brotman Hall with a valid student ID and their social security number.

“It’s a great opportunity for students to get some extra money right now,” said Vanessa Schnell, Director of Stu-

dent Monies at Brotman Hall.

“We are expecting an enormous influx of students that want to pick up their checks right away, so all open windows will be equipped to give students their checks.” Students that need to utilize Brotman Hall for other purposes will “of course be accommodated” for.

The stimulus package, which Congress past into law last earlier last month, has been held up at the state legislative level for some time. “We weren’t getting any of the money at all”, said Schnell. “but thankfully, thanks to the diligent work of the [University] President, we have it now. It was a long time coming.”

The student stimulus checks are not without their critics, however. City Councilman Patrick O’Donald (who has

in the passed opposed street lamp lighting on Atherton, Bellflower, as well as student parking in the neighborhood adjacent to CSULB on the Atherton side) has called the See CHECKS / 2

Daily 49rs to Run Union Weekly Articles, Content Desperate newspaper to begin taking content from superior publication to fill pages

By Harlan Cassidy Contributing Editor

Dook Puscolon | Daily Fourty-Niners

It took junior Richard Clayson (above and left) at least 15 minutes to notice that we were taking photos of him from the bushes. Clayson, an engineering major, enjoys one of the first of many beers sold at the Outpost, but left in a hurry after finishing his beer.

Beer at the outpost Call (562) 985-8000 for a validation code for free beer at the outpost restaurant/convenience store

By Lou Bega

Assistant City Editor

The Outpost, a study dining and snacking facility traditionally located on lower campus near the SSPA building and tennis courts has reopened. After being closed for about two to four years on campus for reconstruction, the Outpost will now be providing both food, drinks, and beer to the engineering, criminal justice, sports, and jurnalism departments.

As part of a promotion to get students to

come in, the Daily Fourty-Niners and the Outpost will be offering a free 35 oz. beer of any of the types served there. Because of the Outpost’s relative size to the Nugget, it will only serve three types of beer on tap: Coors Lite, Michelob Amberbock, and Pyramid Hefeweizen. Manager Salvador Guardali has expressed his excitement over the week-long event, “I hope that the students here will enjoy our new facilities and have a drink on us so they can wind-down during midterm week.”

In order to receive this promotional beer, students are asked to call our office at (562) 985-8000 to receive a confirmation code, which you must write in the box provided to the right and bring it in to the Outpost to be redeemed. Each day

this week – March 23rd-27th – the first 100 callers will be given a coupon code. It is good for a free beer with the purchase of any regular menu food item.

Beer is a mild, frothy, yellow beverage that is made out of alcohol, barley, and hops and is enjoyed in many countries in the world. It was invented in Germany and has since been become a popular student drink in America because it’s refreshing.

Beer has been served on campus since 1969 and continues to be a popular drink.

There is also a new outdoor café area/ biergarten/that has been build adjacent to See BEER / 2 FREE BEER AT THE Outpost Validation Code ___________________

“We simply do not have the funding nor the will power to continue the Daily Fourty-Niners as it stands,” announced Student Advising Attaché Cathay Diphthong in an e-mail on Sunday. “Instead we will be outsourcing all future content to the Union Weekly.”

The decision came in light of constant financial shortfalls the Fourty-Niners has been suffered from over the years. The crisis point came in 2006 when the paper was conned out of $60,000 dollars in advertising space for property in the nation of Poyais. The most infamous of these events was in 1998 wherefore two months they ran Victorian-era sanitation pamphlets under the title “Fourty-Niners Classic.”

These financial woes have included the Daily Fourty-Niners dropping their longtime supplier of content the Associated Press.

“It’s tough times we’re in. Either we get someone serious about writing to fill [up] our paper or we come up with original content ourselves. And that’s not easy. Some See ARTICLES / 2

2

LBunion.com

Monday, March 23, 2009

CHECKS

Continued from Page 1 of these articles can be as long as 400 words,” said editor Amanda Bendova.

The Fourty-Niners has been desperate for years, often forced to run the articles written by the illiterate and criminally insane. Though, even that route has lead to a dead-end, a dead-end road, that is.

Now they must come, hat in hand to their sister publication on CUSLB and beg to use the Union Weekly’s articles for their own. “Apparently they’ve got not one, but two copy-editors there. What a world.”

“We cannot entirely rule out witchcraft,” said one editor that wished to remain anonymous, from his chicken-bone strewn abode underneath a freeway overpass. “I done seen it before.”

In addition to the Fourty-Niners replacing their content with the Union’s contents, there will also be fringe benefits, including proper use of metaphor, a sense of humor, and stop throwing their money into a black pit of debt for AP articles.

BEER

Continued from Page 1 checks “ridiculous.” O’Donald represents District 4 of Long Beach, which is the neighbourhood; Los Altos.

“It isn’t enough that students are taking away [Los Altos] citizens’ parking in front of their homes,” said O’Donald.

“The University should have taken the money given to them by the stimulus package and put it towards student parking. Our elderly are finding it very difficult to park all seven of their cars, boats, and jet skis adequately” Mark Inez, an engilish student enrolled at CSULB, on the other hand, could not more more ecstatic. “It’s super awesome that we can get all the money the government is wasting anyway,” said Inez. “I’m going to blow all of [it] as soon as I get my hands on [it].” When asked whether he planned to use his stimulus check on either books or tuition fees, Inez replied, “Neither, I’m going to buy some natty ice and tear it up with my frater-

nity brothers at beer pong. In a word, it’s going to be really epic and life-altering for us.”

Some students are not selfish, however, and have chosen to donate their incoming government money to a good cause. Adrian Liebloliz, a sixth year junior communications major, will donate his $200 to NAMBLA the North American Man/Boy Love Association, in order to promote a lifelong passion of his.

“I’ve always believed that too many boys are left by the wayside,” said Liebloliz. “Too often young boys don’t have father figures in their lives. NAMBLA provides that father figure that will always be in them,” said Liebloliz. “In coitus,” he added.

Checks are available for student pickup on the first floor of Brotman Hall, during regular Brotman Hall business hours. You can probably find those hours online if you go to csulb.edu maybe.

ARTICLES

Continued from Page 1 the Outpost in which students will be allowed to enjoy their beverages in the open air. While beer will be officially allowed outside of the interior of the restaurant, campus administration wants to urge students to drink responsibly and not abuse this by taking their cups away from the biergarten, as it will not be watched for violation.

The Outpost biergarten will open Monday morning at 10am with the first

customer of the promotion and students will be allowed to bring their beers outdoors, in this area only. This is part of a package compromise deal that President F. King Alexander hammered out after losing beer dispension in the Walter Pyramid, providing a second place on campus to tap a keg for the thirsty student body. Alcohol is traditionally condemned by the campus administration while its revenues fills their pockets.

LBunion.com

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Contact Us Editorial Office Phone (562) 985-4867 Fax (562) 985-8161 1212 Bellflower Blvd.

Suite 239 Long Beach, CA 90815 Editor bear.grun@gmail.com (562) 985-4867

Display Advertising Beaverly Munchin (562) 985-4867

Business Office Phone (562) 985-4867 Fax (562) 985-8161 1212 Bellflower Blvd.

Suite 239 Long Beach, CA 90815

“The Picture of Dorian Gray was a metaphor for me sticking a plug up my butt last June.

Shh, I’m gay.”

- Oscar Wilde

CC

ampus alander

On Campus Disability Awareness Day Students will be crippled and blinded throughout the week in celebration of the handicapped students among us. The week will kick off with the hamstringing of an athlete and end with a real-life production of Johnny Get Your Gun with the lead chosen from out of the audience!

Ethnicity Awareness Day Students who volunteer will be dressed up and given make-up to live a day in the life of an ethnicity chosen out of a hat in order to understand what it is like to be a minority. Choices incllude: Hmong, Basque, Ainu, and Gypsy. Students that already have an ethnicity will be given an ethnicity that’s lower on the wrung.

ADD Awareness Day This Thursday — Hey! This Thursday there will be — Put that down! I don’t care. What? Why would I know who owns that?

What? Hey — Just, look, this Thursday, by Brotman Hall — Oh, you know what?

Screw it. Nobody learns anything from these stupid things anyways. What do you mean he’s made out of cake?

Today in History 1547 A.D. On a particularly sunny day, some kids played on a swing set in a park over in Spain.

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WORDS in BRIEF

Thursday, March 23, 2009

Bat-herpes vaccine restores investor confidence [Editor’s Note: In these rough economic times, we have made a number cuts, including the outsourcing of our news articles to an enthusiastic man from Lucknow, India named Aniruddah Punjab instead of our normal copying and pasting from the Associated Press.]

LUCKNOW, India (AP) — Hello, this is Aniruddah Punjab, how are you today? Here is more news for you, thank you.

As the economy begins transcendence from recent stoney economic times, smart, tall American investors are looking everywhere for a place of signs of stability. “Market confidence is hard to come by,” said wise Federal Brahmin, Ben Barnacle while pulling his pants pockets from inside to out in what has become a normally non-verbal gesture of him, “But hedgefunders and ponzi-schemers should keep their eye on Eritrea.”

His cryptive statements refer quite mundanely about the recent release of Batrex in the African Republic of Eritrea, a high-potentness, lowmaintenance poultice against-bat-herpes. In the last fifteen years, the bat-herpes rate (both whooping- and crusting- selections) in Eritrea has grown 445%, the largest single increase of bat-herpes in the globe. Due to this, a pocket in-

dustry has sprung up in the pants of the Horn, installing hundreds of employments in the small nation and sparking the nation’s dormant economy like America did graciousnesses for the rest of the world.

The Eritreans are undeniably hopeful about the global financial crisis and hope that the recent flare up of civil unrest remains presseddown, thank you. Since the red mists of war with neighboring Ethiopia and Somalia, Eritrea has truly rebounded, quickly becoming the Northern-most East African country to have elephants, though they are not good for field working. But what the businesspersons flooding like the Ganges through busy Asmara airport are interesting is not elephants or even elephantherpes, but bat-herpes.

“The economy isn’t in a downturn,” says Fethawi Muhammed, spokesman for Eritrean bat-herpes pharmaceutical giant Aziggi-Myers Squibb, “In fact, it’s never been better before, the research budgets are booming and people are buying our bat-herpes vaccination like hot cakes!” And if by hot cakes he means fresh samosas, then Rama has truly blessed Eritrea.

Pakistan is not blessed, thank you.

A typical bat-herpes panacea in the Eritrean

capital sees some 200 customers visiting its doors, with or without bat-herpes or bats. Most tincture proprietings credit their increased business to the recent Batrex marketing campaign in which company executives released 5,000 camels with the Batrex logo painted on their sides after affiliating their humps with Batrex so unaccustomers simply can imbibe of the camel urine for a free sample.

Bat-herpes is commonplacely found tightly packed near the base of stalactites and around the entrances of caves and can be a nuisance for both the individual and community. According to Todd Scratcherson, bat-herpes wiseman from the great computer-filled and freedomrich American States, “It’s perfectly safe!” And with thousands in high-tech employment being diverted into this exciting field, it’s no wonder that the returns have been in US dollars!

The streets are turn-on in Eritrea where people are going about their business with renewed confidence, striding cleanly and smiling blemish-free. If we take the performance of this medication as any kind of precognation for the future of the global economy, consider the herpes of recession pressed-down. Thank you very much.

Obama revisits the wild wild west America excellency procedes LUCKNOW, India (AP) — As many noose stations around the world have reported, America is in difficult trouble, Mr President Obama is facing dangers America hasn’t seen since Independence Day. The rebuilding process has been tough for Mr President Will Smith Obama who recently made a cymbolic return journey to the Wild Wild West.

I am not sure how Obamas going to “win” this time since his approval rating among American cowboys is not as high as it is across the other age demographics. Though I have enjoyed watching his speeches and it is said that lotuses bloom in the wake of his luxurious strides.

Not since 1999 has Mr President Obama been to the American movie industry, facing periods of homelessness and a stint working for the Men in Black. The movies of the American president have eased tensions between the north and south, 100 year since the start of the civil war.

Evil southerners like South Carolina Governor Mark Stanford have challenged Mr President Obama to battle at an OK Coral for presidency of both states, Meanwhile America face new threat from an evil group of business mens known as “Lenders,” who not unlike the thuggee cults of Kali wish to strangle the economy like so many throats.

Experts are calling this the greatest threat Obama has faced since the cure for cancer backfired in 2005 turning Americans into monstrosities.

Though, moving picture Brahmin Roger Ebert has called Obama’s trip to Americas heartland a disaster and “kinda dumb.” It remains to be scene what effect this will have on Obama’s plan for a 2nd stimulation bill aimed at recreating the “ cool parts of the first one” but with better fight scenes.

In more Obama news, a remake of Air Force One is Photo courtest of Google Image Search in the works with Obama taking over the role of former president Gerald Ford as a man facing nefarious terrorists and kicking them off his plane. Many Americans continue to criticize Obama for flying plains while many Americans continue to rely on horse and carriage for long distance transportation, many people still find Obama Air Force One jet “Cool.”

Americans have been happy with there president since he promised hope to seven families in December 2008, this underscores the hardships that many Americans have faced since the wars with the south, aliens, vampiric cancer, and job loss have piled on the nation of John Wayne and the indoor toilet. Many see Obama as the most marketable president in years and look for his training in these important areas as reasons to overlook his inexperience battling non-aliens. Thank you. Good day.

- By Aniruddah Punjab

greatness in bomb warfare of terrorism LUCKNOW, India (AP) — Hello, welcome. Mr President Barack Obama fights his superb war against terrorists this fortnight by killing 33 Taleban scalawags in the Afghanistan states.

This war of course began after the destruction of the White House and the Mall of America (the most glamorous of all American supermalls). In addition to this, the Sahib nation’s Special Air Services sepoys are deploymenting into this most unstable situation.

The nefarious Taleban are not perturbed by America’s new efforts to vanquish them. They are most certainly rascals, I will say! Though America has proven their proficiency in fighting in such events as Rambo III and Stagecoach.

Afghanistan, of course, neighbors poor-souled skullduggers Pakistan, who hold sweet pearl Kashmir hostage, who also , no doubt, drink the last cup of sweetened chai and put their bare feet on the coffee table of their gracious hosts. Also, their accents are most humorous.

Thank you. Good day.

Please for you to sleep now LUCKNOW, India (AP) — Welcome!

Please for you to read this article’s about not sleeping. Turning to the Memorial Medical Center of Southern Illinois University School of Medicine, and the illustrious Dr. Jerry Reedy, no sleep can lead to very, very, very, bad things. Thank you.

Some ask, “Why is sleep impossible tonight?” There are several unambiguous solutions to this question. The first of three reasons I will list is diet. The foods embroidered with the fat, caffeine, and the alcohol

will deceive you into believing the sleep they offer you is existent, but in fact, it is false. This is not a difficulty in my village due to the fact that food is not a daily occurrence.

Thank you.

To further assemble on my pervious point, I continue. The other activity impeding sleep for The American’s at night, is the habit of listening to nightly programming.

To summarize these discoveries, television permits sounds into the mind and wrestles thoughts, preventing subterranean sleep.

This is also

not a problem in my village because television requires electricity.

Thank You. Lastly but not leastley, the practice of exercise just before a time of sleep is bad as well for a human body. There is energy generated in exercise that is more appropriate for the morning time. That energy, said to be exceptionally powerful, makes sleep difficult because of the feeling of blood in your body and lungs.

The issue of exercise is, yet again, not one of the things that become an

issue. People do not have ample time to exercise because we work in the field. You see?

What, you could very possibly be asking in your mind, is the penalty of a life without sleep?

There are a multitude of bodily concerns that come about when one receives no sleep, or peace, or mind. At the end, the sleepless have a future of cancers, and Alzheimer’s, and many strokes ahead of them. But, fear not readers, Scientists have discovers a remedy for sleeplessness…..

- By Aniruddah Punjab

OPINIONS

4 Today, March, 2009

LBunion.com

Bear.grun@gmail.com

We know better than you how un-funny war is “It’s not delivery, it’s DiJuornalism.”

— Professor Stilliam Grabcock n March 20th, our president, President Barak O’Bama of The United States came to our state, Southern California.

The President spoke about many important things. Things like the Economy, Poverty, Helth Care — things like basketball. But on the 19th of March, something really ironic, and a lot less publicized, happened. While Pres. O’Bama light heartedly joked with Jay Leno on his talk show, the anniversary of Operation Anaconda slowly, and carefully slipped by.

For those of you who are out there and don’t know what that means, we at the Fourty-Niners will let you look it up on Wikipedia. But the anniversary of the Iraqi War is not something we should let just skip by, like a little child. No, Jay Leno and the President should have acknowledged this anniversary because it’s a very big deal, and many people watch The Jay Leno show. That would have been the responsible thing to do.

But, on the other hand, why should it start with them. All in all, it’s no surprise to this publication that the rest of America failed to realize what an important day March 19th was, because most people don’t read the news, or care about how many people have died in the war (4,176 of our guys), or care about real politics (Fox News doesn’t count as real news) because their lemmings.

Americans, the lemmings/lemmings,

O

have no real desire to learn or hear about negative impacts of things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You just sit fat and happy with your Mc Donald’s in Wal-Mart. But please, for just a second, imagine never being able to partake in a Fourth of July celebration because the sound of fireworks remind you of your friends exploding into millions of pieces of fatigues, blood, and guns, or the sound of faceless, oppressed, culture-roobed, marauders taking aim at your chest.

There’s just a taste. A solider who hates the Fourth of July — that’s ironic like O’Bama on Jay Leno.

And yet more irony can be mined of other events that occurred on March 19th. Take March 19th, 1918. That was the day that the United States Congress established time zones and approved daylight savings Time. For those of you that don’t know, time zones are not an American concepts. Lot’s of people listed on the Internet had attempted to standardize time throughout the world, namely, Quirico Filopanti, but once America got a hold of the idea, we stole it like we do with every thing, and Congress got the ball rolling. These days, most big countries use hourly time zones, except places like Newfoundland, Venezuela and Nepal.

But more importantly, other countries that don’t are Iran, the other place Bush wanted to invade, and Afghanistan world’s biggest MacGuffin. A MacGuffin, for those of you who are too lazy to pick up you’re laptop and type in MacGuffin, is, as Alfred

Our View

Hitchcock, the director (Psycho), described it like, the “main…. driving force…object of everybody’s search.” which is hyper-relevant with Afghanistan, 9/11, and Wal-Mart.

Then the time differences becomes ironic, and almost metaphoric, because the U.S. has, on record, talked about how different the Middle East is from the U.S. and that’s why we started the war there—March 19th is the anniversary of difference which led to dead U.S. soldiers and led to thousands of soldiers retuning home with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

Another March 19th-realted-event, in

1979 the United States House of Representatives began broadcasting their daily business on C-SPAN. Obviously, this was not the first time things that are politically related were broadcast. But it was the first twenty-four hour news station. These days, no one watches C-SPAN; instead the un-informed-unresearched American Public relies on subjective news sources for what actually happens, first-hand, in C-Span. We at the Fourty-Niners have political science students on rotation watching C-Span all day, so you should listened See UNFUNNY / 5

Things that you say mean things when you say them Just the other day, Barack Obama said something, and some people didn’t like it. You could see that some people actually did like it, but that’s not what we’re talkin’ about today, Willis. He said it, complaints were made, and it’s undeniable: it meant something. And it happens all over the world.

French President Luc Besson said something the other day that I read and it was, like, super-controversial. The Iranian President Ahmad Ahmadinahmadajad is, according to some, a really controversial guy. Stop being so controversial, people!

Words mean things when you say them!

Especially in public! And it happens everywhere, even at CSULB. For instance, the other day this girl Janetta left me a message on my facebook wall that said “Hey girl, let’s get some drinks and get Caaaa-raaaazzzeee!” First of all, I’m not talking to her (she knows why) and now everyone’s going to think that I AM talking to her. Secondively, my News Editor Bloanne Fuqher Ass. News Editor Juwannamann Blows-llamas Ass. News Editor Moistowelette Lasagna City Editor Barren Cockfrenzy Ass. City Editor Lou Bega Ass. City Editor Smegma Appraiser Ass. City Editor Hanjob Zoorabbi Opinions Editor Dook Puscolon Ass. Opinions Editor Scarygina Bonanza Ass. Opinions Editor Gravy Cumme Diversions Editor Anal Autism Diversions Editor J. “Dickspit” Boberts

cousin friended me and she will totally tell my aunt about this. How could Janetta be so insensitive? And it happens all over the world!

A local guy in congress did something where he sent an email last week and it totally hurt people’s feelings. He really should’ve thought more about that. So should Janetta, when she leaves people facebook wall posts, because it’s really inconsiderate to do that sort of thing without even asking. I mean, yeah, I totally deleted like a couple hours later when I was bored in Anthro class and the teacher lets us use laptops, but that message was in plain sight. And not only that, but it took me like 15 minutes longer because of the stupid new facebook layout. Those facebook people should think about these things before they just change it without warning. I was so confused! Of course, I’m

really politically active so I joined like 6 groups petitioning to get the old facebook back. Power to the people! But like I said, Janetta is such a thoughtless whore. If only she’d thought about how much that message would effect me, she’d know what a dumb slut she was being and obviously wouldn’t have dropped such a bomb on my facebook. And it happens all over the world.

Like in India, where the slumdogs roam around like millionaires, a contestant on game show was interrogated by police because they thought he was cheating. If I’d just thought about it before he gave his answers, he’d know not to say stuff like that. And the other night on “The City,” Adam was all like “I’m sorry” to Allie, but I’m like once a cheater, always a cheater. He should’ve thought before he spoke and before he cheated on her. I don’t care

Kara Biatch

Sports Editor Ass. Sports Editor Ass. Sports Editor Photo Editor Ass. Photo Editor Online Editor Ass. Online Editor Ass. Online Editor Video Editor Copy Editor

Trizzle McDizzle Anal Ramuraz Dandy Urine Chhhy Chhhhhh Michael Poop Mezzanine Piazza Aunt-Honey Vagquest Messa’ Compost Brain Kweerin Jostlin Gonads

Letters ‘n Shit: All letters and e-mail must bear the phone number and multiple pictures of the writer and they must be wearing no more than 3 articles of clothing. The Daily Fourty-Niners reserves the right to photoshop the images to embarrass the writer.

Daily Fourty Niners Definitely a source for some kind of CSULB news

By Colon Funneling Editor-in-Queef

By Sniffany Writer

how dreamy he is, he can’t just apologize for cheating and have it be over: he should’ve got her like a gift. Janetta totally should’ve gotten me a facebook gift if she really wanted me to start facebooking her again.

As you can see, there are so many examples of people who say things that they shouldn’t have said and should’ve thought about before saying instead. It happens all over the world, and even beyond the world onto facebook and the internet. It even happened once in the Niners’ newsroom when Dook asked if he could borrow my underwear for an hour. The point is, and I think I’ve proved this with my many examples, you should consider what you’re saying. Because if you just open your mouth, or your keyboard, and just let whatever words come out, you could become the laughingstock of the world (or just a selfish slut, if you’re Janetta).

Kara Biatch is a senior juornalism and a future Subway sandwich artist.

Academic Adviser Brahbrah Feelson-Kiddies Academic Adviser Harry Metzally General Manager Beaverly Munchin Advertising Representative Every Kuntlik Ass. to the General Manager Scatt Humankaka Design Director All-in Balldip Ass. to the Design Director Gaygay Magaygay Ass. to the Design Director Dang Le Ass. to the Design Director Amanda Bendova

Managing Regretitor

Disclaimer

None of this should be taken seriously. Not a single word or image within these pages is sincere. This entire publication is a spoof and a work of satire, and does not represent the views of the Union Weekly, CSULB, Associated Students Incorporated, the Daily Forty-Niner, or any person mentioned herein. All copy edit mistakes are intentional to show the Daily Forty-Niner’s incompetence. Don’t call any of the numbers listed within. This is entertainment. Please, lighten up and take a joke.

5

LBunion.com

Monday, March 23, 2009

JEAN AND CHEMO by Julia Ballsnoto

Letters to the Editor

Suck a ‘dick’, please This is a guy from the Union Weekly publication (specifically the Grunion). You might have heard of us from college. We are feuding if you didn’t know (probably not [heh]).

You might also be oblivious to the reasons why you suck. To remedy this problem we (I) have compiled a list of the sucky things you do.

Okay, um hmm well first of all you guys stink and the paper that you make smells like a stink too.

We don’t like it.

Criticism #2: your name is a bad name. 49 is one of the lowest numbers there is. What about The Daily Two Million? Don’t take that name actually I’m going to use it for a project I’m working on. There are plenty of other numbers you can try out though, just use your imagination.

Furthermore, I think there should be more swears in your newspaper. Check the internet if you don’t know what swears to use they are all over the place on the web. That’s why everyone likes the internet so much and that’s why the inventor of the internet is dipping his balls in a glass of champagne as we speak.

Also I think I heard a rumor about you guys kicking a turtle on the head. Nice going losers, turtles hate that. Because of these reasons and some other ones involving turtles we are continuing the feud forever probably. Good luck being bad newspaper guys. Thanks for reading.

–Jeff Bridges, actor

UNFUNNY

Continued from Page 4 to what we say. It’s ironical and coincidental that our president sat and made fun of retarded people with Jay Leno on March 19th, while real politics were going on, had been going on, all day on another channel.

In conclusion, all the Fourty-Niners’ caring, and C-SPAN watching, has paid off so that we can relay to you, the unresearched masses of CSUBL, one little known fact: The military did not start the war, so it’s okay to like military people.

The war was started by elected officials, like president O’Bama, who’s laughing only highlighted the point that these suits seem to have forgotten, that each one of

those dead soldiers probably has as family—we all have forgotten that though, because we were laughing too. This needs to stop now. Please, from now on, every day until this war is over, remember that each day is an anniversary of a family car-bombed apart, a nation toppling over like so many janga bricks of orphend sorrow, or a man bleeding to death on some un-paved, lonely Iraqi goat-trail, clutching a picture of his only daughter. The Forty-Niners’ will not stand around and watch American Soldiers have suicide bombers blow up in their faces—even though we all still live with our parents.

6 Munday, Marsh 23, 2009

DISTRACTIONS

LBunion.com

Bear.grun@gmail.com

Blink-182 and limp bizkit to form ‘super group’ We didn’t get around to reading this article, but we’re pretty sure that’s what it’s about.

By Jostlin Gonads Copy Editor

Article Review

W

azzup, everyone! We both know that there is a lot of good music out there right now, and finding it can really be tough. The internet doesn’t really have good music-finding resources, and there isn’t always time to turn on the MTV and find out what’s tight—but it’s a good thing we at the “United 49rs” know what’s fresh and what’s hot. With today’s exciting musical climate, it’s really easy to get lost in all the tight shit coming out these days. If Britney Spears isn’t making a comeback (did you see that shit? Britney is totally hot now), then *N Sync are getting back together, or some other rock history-making event is happening. In today’s issues, though, we’re going to focus on the reunion of two of the most important bands from the last twenty years: Limp Bizkit and Blink-182. Sick!

Ever since Limp Biscuit formed in 1995, they’ve been combining all the best elements of heavy rock and roll with the mad rhymes of whitecore rap. The result was nü-metal, the groundbreaking genre that The Bizkit helped pioneer. The band may have hit a creative wall or two, but

now they’re back to making music that’s awesome for things like drinking, fucking, having sex, and getting wasted. Shit yeah! After releasing the little-known “Unquestionable truth’ Ep in 2005, guitarist Wes Borland left the band due to “creative differences.”

He’s back now, though, and the band is ready to make music for rockin’ out with your cock out. Expressing their disappointment with the “state of mainstream heavy music” via a blog post on their website, the band is guaranteed Band members One, Eight, and Two can be seen here in this photo taken in front of artsy pipes. to be back in full force, delivering anon, recording a new record what sort of wrist-cutting other collection of powerhouse hits, and a w i t h Creed’s old drummer collaborations will rock the following tour that will likely result in the S c o t t Phillips taking over speakers of stereos across the deaths of at least four or five fans. percussion duties while the globe when Blink-182’s next On the more smooth-edged band works their magic in the album comes out? side of things, Blink-182 are studio. Like The Bizkit, it’s In conclusion, I can’t wait to hear some back, bringing d e l i g h t f u l l y b e e n a w h i l e s i n c e w e ’ v e h e a r d more of my favorite fist-pumping rock muc a t c h y p o p - p u n k s e n s i b i l i t i e s f r o m T h e B l i n k z , a n d t h i s sic from Blink-182 and The Limp Bizkits. m e s h e d w i t h t h o u g h t p r o v o k - w r i t e r i n p a r t i c u l a r i s s u p e r Be sure to be watching your local record i n g s o n g s a b o u t s u i c i d e , b r o - e x c i t e d t o h e a r t h e i r n e w e s t stores – while neither band has a secured k e n h o m e s , a n d t h e o c c a s i o n a l a l b u m . W i t h R o b e r t S m i t h o f record label or recording deal, both are k a - k a j o k e . E v e n t h o u g h T r a - t h e c u r e g u e s t - s t a r r i n g o n a n confident and determined in their efforts v i s B a r k e r d i e d l a s t m o n t h , a l b u m w h o s e l a s t f a m o u s s o n g to make a comeback to the phenomenal cat h e b a n d w i l l b e s o l d i e r i n g w a s a b o u t s u i c i d e , w h o k n o w s reers they left behind.

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INDEX

(Circle Appropriate Classification)

10. Pizza 11. Disgruntled Students 12. Parking and Bullshit 15. LGBT Complaints 18. Subway Employees 20. Egg Sandwiches 25. Lost Souls 26. Found 27. Revenge 28. Dorm Food 30. Creepy Professors

31. Poo Poo 32. Love for Beef 33. The Nugget 34. Fat chicks 35. Gaza 36. Angry Student Org. 39. Album Review 40. Fee Increase 41. Our View 43. Web Content 46. Letter from the Editor

50. On campus Housing 52. Unrequited Love 54. Politics 56. Christianity 57. New Sex column 58. Photo 59. House Ad 60. The Civil War 79. Campus Protests 84. DUKE 88. Campus Conspiracy

Month: AUG. DEC. APR.

1 8 15 22 29

SEPT. JAN. MAY.

2 9 16 23 30

3 10 17 24 31

OCT. FEB. JUNE.

4 11 18 25 32

5 12 19 26 33

NOV. MAR. JULY.

6 13 20 27 34

7 14 21 28 35

8

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