ISSUE
“WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A B.A. IN ENGLISH? WHAT IS MY LIFE GOING TO BE?” VINCENT CHAVEZ
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COLLEEN BROWN
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Editor-in-Chief
Managing Editor
GABE FERREIRA
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Managing Editor
MARCO BELTRAN MELISSA CASAS
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Opinions Editor
BRIANNE SCHAER
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JOHN VILLANUEVA
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News Director Music Editor
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TORIE RIVERA
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Literature Editor
COLLEEN BROWN Culture Editor
ROSE FEDUK Comics Editor
DUCHESS OF SPAIN Grunion Editor
GABE FERREIRA Art Director/Cover
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NICHOLE DANIELS
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CONNOR O’BRIEN
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Illustration Editor
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LETTERS TO AND FROM THE EDITOR
VINCENT CHAVEZ EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
NATHAN CRUZ
LEO PORTUGAL
VIN’S TWO ’CENTS
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Senior Editor
Entertainment Editor
—Brian from Avenue Q
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Illustration
ROSE FEDUK COMICS EDITOR
ey mmmboppers, it has come to my attention that I’ve been so preoccupied with promoting the paper that I never took the time to say a few words about myself. I mean, you hardly know a thing about me! Let’s see. Well for starters, I’m a fifthyear senior. And I became a fifth-year senior by taking three semesters worth of non-major classes, mostly film and teaching courses. All of my decisions during that year and a half were based on fear, specifically, the fear of graduating with just an English degree. I’m sure my fellow English majors, and liberal arts majors for that matter, are familiar with
this fear. It comes with a haunting list of questions like: What am I going to do when I graduate? Who is going to hire me? And finally, how am I going to feed my children with this useless English degree? I mean, they’d finish eating it within weeks. Besides being a fifth-year senior, you may also have noticed that I’m a rather anxious person. I tend to overthink and stay in my head, when I should be acting and communicating my problems. Coincidentally, this week’s feature centers on the crippling effects of fear and the redemptive power of admitting their hold over our lives. We asked our staff to take a good hard look at some of their deepest,
ARIES March 21-April 19 Those mood swings you’ve been having lately can only mean one thing. That’s right, you’ve finally become a transvestite like your mom and dad always feared. Condragulations.
LEO July 23-Aug 22 Leo, Leo, Leo. That surprise birthday party was a disaster; I mean, you really blew it this time. The stars suggest you pack it in for the next week or two. Just stop, man.
TAURUS April 20-May 20 The next time you play Monopoly, let your daughter win. The constellations predict she will pay you back by not becoming a crack addict.
VIRGO Aug 23-Sept 22 Your new job is really taking a toll on you. Don’t sweat it though, you’ll be dead by the end of this sentence.
darkest fears from childhood, adolescence, and their current lives in the hopes it would inspire others to do the same. And in the spirit of our feature, I feel that I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not going to be rich, prosperous, or very successful at all, maybe. As long as I’m not starving on a regular basis, am pretty much loved by someone, and have access to a functioning shower, I think I’ll be okay. Ask Away!
Have a question, complaint, or a few encouraging words, but are too afraid to say them face to face? Email me at editorinchief@lbunion.com. Your feedback is the only thing keeping me going.
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Contributors: JON BOLIN, BEN NOVOTNY, KIMBERLY CONCHADA, TANYA PAZ, JOSEPH PHILLIPS, MARIHA LOWE, TRAVIS BARON, KEVIN NG, SHEREEN DUDAR, AMY PATTON, MICHAEL WOOD, CHRISTINA CHEN, ALISON ERNST, MICHAEL CLELAND, SIMON BATY, WES VERNER, RACHEL CLARE, DANIEL SERRANO Disclaimer and Publication Information
The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union Weekly, not ASI, or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name, major, class standing, and phone number for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.
Questions? Comments? Kumquats?! Mail: 1212 Bellflower Blvd., Suite 116, Long Beach,CA 90815 Phone: 562.985.4867 E-mail: info@lbunion.com Web: www.lbunion.com
GEMINI May 21-June 21 You’ve been posting status updates on Facebook non-stop lately. Live your life, Gemini. Nobody really gives a shit. CANCER June 22-July 22 This sign always makes me uncomfortable, but not for the reason you think. My grandma had cancer, and I’ve never really gotten over it.
LIBRA Sept 23-Oct 22 People seem to genuinely like you this month. I don’t know, I just don’t see the appeal. SCORPIO Oct 23-Nov 21 The moment you get comfortable, Jupiter’s moon is thinking about moving your chair out from under you and embarrassing you in front of the whole school. Stay alert.
SAGITTARIUS Nov 22-Dec 21 Be a good chap and don’t move a muscle. The man hired to kill you finally has you in his crosshairs. CAPRICORN Dec 22-January 19 You will be visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past sometime this month. It will take the form of your aunt Cheryl, so don’t forget to wear that sweater she knitted you last Christmas (the one you haven’t worn once since she gave it to you!). AQUARIUS Jan 20-Feb 18 Your obsession with your neighbor’s feet will come to a head this month. She will literally kick you in the head this Tuesday. PISCES Feb 19-March 20 You will be getting crabs for the third time this month, so be extra skimpy with that shampoo. UNION WEEKLY
10 SEPTEMBER 2012
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OPINIONS
FEAR AND LOATHING AT THE BALLOT BOX VOTING IS ABOUT SO MUCH MORE THAN CANDIDATES MICHAEL WOOD CONTRIBUTOR
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ome of us may remember the fate of Proposition 19, the California ballot initiative that would’ve legalized, taxed and controlled marijuana, ending a significant part of the drug war. In fact, I worked the polls as a young high school junior, eager to participate in the political process before I could even vote, so I remember it vividly. I remember that whole day: older, more conservative citizens outvoting the overwhelmingly young constituents of my district on this potentially revolutionary proposition that had promised the first significant reform of drug laws in this state in generations. Today, users of marijuana still face police harassment and imprisonment. When we counted the ballots in my district, the proposition was defeated by a margin of 10 percentage points. We can’t let this happen again. For many of us, this is the first
election that we, as citizens, are allowed to participate in. In California, there are plenty of reasons for us to get out there and vote as if our lives depended on it (for a few of us, this may be the literal truth in coming years). While seemingly all news coverage seems to be locked on to the spectacularly boring contest for president, where we will get to decide between Gordon Gecko and this generation’s Jimmy Carter, the contest for ballot initiatives in this state is heated and we will get to weigh in on issues such as funding for students, corporate and union contributions to candidates, the death penalty, the three strikes law, and labeling genetically modified frankenfood. The first step is to register to vote. Yes, you’ve heard this before. Yes, you’ve probably ignored it or put it off for a later time. All over the country, conservative politicians have been enacting voter I.D.
laws that claim to fight voting fraud but are aimed at disenfranchising the left wing by keeping poor people, minority voters, young people, and students away from the polls in a way that we haven’t seen since the days of Jim Crow and the poll tax. It hasn’t happened in California yet, but you do not wait for hell to come to your house before you begin to fight it. Registering and voting is the most important thing you can do to avoid facing the rampant deterioration of our democratic rights. The second step is the most difficult one and requires a bit of forethought as well as realizing what exactly is at stake. In this election, we have an assortment of propositions on the ballot that matter dearly to anyone that seeks a more just society. Proposition 34 seeks to end the barbaric practice of the death penalty and has the potential to save innocent lives. Proposition 37 promises to label
the genetically modified frankenfood lining our shelves and allow consumers to make a choice between natural foods and genetically modified monstrosities courtesy of Monsanto. Proposition 30 will finally confront the problem of funding the schools, including our own lovely campus, by raising taxes on the top 3 percent of income earners in California. Another big one is Proposition 36, which would abolish the three strikes law for nonviolent criminals, ensuring that non violent criminals do not spend lifetimes in prison on the taxpayers dime. We face fundamental questions of who we are as Californians in this election. Are we a humane and just society that cares for the welfare of all people? Or are we a dog-eat-dog state where only the rich, privileged, and powerful may rule? No one of importance will ask you what needs to be done; you must tell them at the ballot box.
WHY I HATE ENGLISH MAJORS BOUGIE BITCHES GONNA BE BOUGIE BITCHES DANIEL SERRANO UNION STAFFER
I don’t actually hate English majors. That was simply a sensationalistic ploy used to draw you into my article. It appears to have worked. Rest assured though, Union reader, I do hold notable disdain for a small percentage of my book-bearing, literature-loving comrades. See, I too, am an English major, and it is direct experiences with my kin that have fermented this souring. I was sitting in a class in a building not far from the library, waiting for my professor to enter and begin his musings. It was there I overheard a conversation. I won’t quote, because the exact words escape me, but it went something like this: “I was at the grocery store and the lady there didn’t understand what I was attempting to communicate. I restated my idea several times, but she just didn’t understand. That’s the plight of us English majors, having to deal with all the stupid people in the world.”
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Oh lord. Yes, as if we, English majors of the American higher education system, are collectively bearing the weight of the world’s undereducated. Because without us to write short stories and opinion pieces, chaos would erupt, and the literaturedeprived masses would flood the streets and feast on the flesh of the living. But I digress. For me, that moment manifested the smug rumblings I had overheard, the English major stereotype I had been made aware of by friends and family. And it was mind boggling to hear so openly and watch others agree. Firstly, it seems this particular college student was being far too impatient with her grocery store nemesis. A benefit of higher education is a basic understanding that others may not be as “smart” as you are. To classify and dismiss someone
as stupid so quickly, off such a limited experience, to me, is stupid in itself, and lacking in the understanding I expect of an educated person. Further, this English major seemed to expect the other individual to be as eloquent and well-spoken as her. This is absurd. As English majors, we are supposed to be better with words. We are expected to have the ability to organize ideas efficiently and communicate them effectively. I should be a better writer than most people. If I wasn’t, it would call into question just what I have been doing with the last three years of my life. Finally, her off-the-cuff remark seemed to portray the English major as some beacon of knowledge, the cornerstone of an otherwise doomed society. Being an English major, a liberal arts major in general, is a privilege, and liberal arts students should recognize that. Because at the end of the
day, the world could continue on just fine without us. Sure, life wouldn’t be as colorful and a creative void would be left behind, but humanity would press on. This isn’t to say English majors aren’t important. We are. Many lawyers start with a B.A. in English (because we all love lawyers, right?). Things have to be written and transferred from generation to generation, and I don’t mean to undermine that. I do believe though, that we, as a school of thought, can exist because other people provide the essentials. People from other fields of study create the technological revolutions, they save lives, they put electricity in my home and food on my table. Without them, I couldn’t write. No, I don’t hate English majors. They are my friends and my peers. But please, smug 49ers, think twice before stepping atop a pedestal. The fall is never fun.
OPINIONS
THE PARTY WON’T STOP ONCE MY BALLS DROP FREEZING MY ASS OFF IN THE NAME OF FUN RACHEL CLARE UNION STAFFER
I’ve discovered something about myself this year: I do not like staying put. I mean this in the most vagabond of ways. I want to take road trips to nowhere and board planes to unknown destinations, simply for the thrill of a new experience. This, my dear readers, is why I’m planning the cliché of clichéd trips: New Year’s Eve in good ol’ NYC. My New Year’s Eve is generally spent at a friend’s house, watching people get shit-faced over a game of King’s Cup, with Ryan Seacrest blabbing away on the TV. We eat way too much pizza and pose for photos at midnight, popping a quick blast of thin streamers into the air with those little brightly colored poppers from Costco. Exciting, sure, but I think I’d rather spend hours packed into the streets of New York
Illustration
NICHOLE DANIELS ILLUSTRATION EDITOR
City, bundled in five layers of clothing and still shivering from cold. I’ll stand on my tiptoes to overlook the thousands of heads blocking my way, just to get a glimpse of some musician or band parading about on a stage for ABC’s NYE coverage. We’ll probably be singing along to fun. “‘cause toniiiiiight, we are youuuuuung, so let’s set this world on fiiiiiiiiire.” Also, because they’re still a damn good band, even if my head is spinning from having heard the same song 583 times this year. I’ll buy those funky 2013 glasses because, fuck it, it’s New Year’s Eve in New York City, and it’s all a part of the “experience,” right? How else am I supposed to win the heart of some stranger to share a midnight kiss with? Numbered glasses are all the rage on this
one night of the year. As a tourist participating in these NYE shenanigans, Google recommends that I bring an autograph book with me for the evening. What is this, Disneyland? I best be shaking hands with Neil Patrick Harris or Joseph Gordon-Levitt if you’re recommending that I carry a cutesy little booklet and oversized pen for the night’s festivities. Google is also apt to inform me that “prime viewing areas” will likely be filled by mid-afternoon and, oh, if you happen to be so lucky as to nab one of these spots, you won’t really be able to leave to go to the bathroom. Um, what? I am not a housetrained dog. I cannot simply tell my bladder to sit still and control itself for nine hours. Do you want me to end up in urgent care
with a bladder infection, simply for the sake of watching a crystallized ball slowly descend around some pole? Cool. Let me invest in some adult diapers for the occasion. I think I just lost my chance at a midnight smooch. When I was a youngster, I thought the ball drop literally meant that a ball would drop and shatter in the middle of New York City. How much cooler would that be? Shards of crystal embedded into the skin of crowds that had camped out for half of the day. It’d be like this really rad souvenir—probably painful and possibly accompanied by a skin infection, but still! It’s the goddamn NYE ball! How’s that for a conversation starter? “I spent New Year’s Eve in New York City, and all I got was some Waterford Crystal embedded in my skin.”
KID SHOWS WITH SUBSTANCE DIGGING DEEP INTO THE (LACK OF) SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES CHRISTINA CHEN CONTRIBUTOR
I’ve been pondering the positive impacts of Disney (i.e. are there any?) and I’ve decided there actually are a few. The reason I listen to David Bowie is because I watched Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen on Disney Channel at some point between 2004 and 2005, in which Lindsay Lohan sings “Changes.” Thankfully, I grew up with Google and was quickly able to find that I liked the original a whole lot more. I’m going to venture to say that I don’t listen to Miley Cyrus, who thanks to a new, awesome haircut is now hot, because I watched Disney Channel as a kid. This sounds totally weird because if you look at some of the void-of-any-evidenceof-creativity sewage that is spewing from that channel, you get the sense that all of the writers have had feces pumped into their brains through their ears from day
one. Certainly Confessions is no exception, right? Wrong! This stuff, while lacking good writing, directing, and talent, comes from a bunch of people who grew up in the ‘60s, ‘70s, and ‘80s. Someone who grew up watching The Parrot Sketch is going to have a lot more material to work with. Someone who grew up during the Vietnam War, hippies, and Yippies is going to have some pretty interesting allusions. Prime example: Phineas and Ferb. This show doesn’t actually fall into the category of “things a baby could realistically produce” but it is very obviously influenced by the television that the writers probably watched when they were kids. Not only that, but the show also makes tons of references to historical figures. This isn’t new, though. The entirety of Monty Python’s repertoire was based on bizarre references to the awesome shit that
happened several hundreds of years ago. But back to modern TV. The reason most of the stuff on television is so bad is because the source material has been reused and manipulated so many times. Think of it like the ecological pyramid: plants get energy from the sun, plant eaters get a certain percent of that, and carnivores get a certain percent of that. Basically, once you’ve gotten far enough away from the plant, there’s almost no evidence of its energy left. The same thing happens in TV. Reference after reference after reference is made until all you have left is a potent mixture of television compost. It sounds terrible the way I put it, but that is just a diagnostic of the caliber of the shows, not necessarily the content. If you watch enough Disney Channel, Nickelodeon, and Cartoon Network, well, you’re either 10 or
really fucking high, but you also see evidence of some pretty old stuff. The Proud Family did an episode on Romeo and Juliet, while also tackling interracial dating. Hell, if you watch Hannah Montana, there is at least a glimpse of her dad’s insanely majestic mullet. Not as old as Romeo and Juliet, but just as superfluously long and needlessly tragic. I could end this by saying that we need better TV so these guys will grow up to make their own shows that don’t reek of incompetency, but that’s not the point. These guys are going to see things on TV that they’ll either Google or learn about later and that’s really all it takes to interest a kid in anything. Although, if old Selena Gomez gets into necromancy and starts talking to Caligula and Nero, we’re going to have some fucked up, albeit well-educated, kids running around. UNION WEEKLY
10 SEPTEMBER 2012
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NEWS
WOMEN BICYCLISTS HOST SUMMIT
SHOOTIN’ THE SHIT
LONG BEACH WELCOMES AN ARRAY OF LADY CYCLISTS BRIANNE SCHAER NEWS EDITOR
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n entire day of networking and discussion, followed by a Cycle Chic Fashion Show, is scheduled for this Thursday during the first-ever National Women’s Bicycling Summit. Developing ways to get more women to ride bikes and a plan to better represent women in the bicycle community are some of the themes that will be carried on throughout the many panels during the event, which will last from 2-11 p.m. at the Long Beach Convention Center. Long Beach is in the midst of working toward becoming the most bike friendly city in the country, so holding a national bike conference, more so one for women, must serve as a catalyst for that goal. It’s exciting to see the progression Long Beach has made toward making the city more bike friendly and to raise awareness for issues to cyclists. The event will kick off with a keynote address from Leah Missbach Day, cofounder of World Bicycle Relief, a charity organization that works to provide bicycles to people living in rural SubSaharan Africa. There will then be six breakout sessions, ranging in topic from women in bicycle sports to raising kids without a car to media and marketing. Olympic track cyclist Dotsie Bausch
WITH THE EXECS JONATHON BOLIN ASI VICE PRESIDENT
will be a panelist in the women in bicycle sports panel, which will discuss the impact of Title IX on bike sports and steps to build confidence for women on bikes. Emily Finch, car-free mother of six, will be a panelist in the family biking and low car living panel. The panel will cover ideas such as the benefits and effects of biking by choice or need, and tips on how to raise a car-free or car-light family. The day’s events will move on to the Long Beach Promenade for the Cycle Chic Fashion Show at 6:30 p.m. The fall fashion show will showcase vintage and urban bikes, fall fashion, and live music from The Dovelles. Apparel
brands that will be featured include ANNEISE, Bicycle Fixation, Riyoko, and Long Beach Trading Co. Bicycle lines will be featured from brands like Linus Bikes, Nirve, Globe Bicycles, and Electra. Vintage bikes from Cyclone Coaster and The Bicycle Stand (both organizations from Long Beach) will also be featured. A ticket for the summit and fashion show cost $35 online, available online until Tuesday, Sept. 11 at 5 p.m. On-site registration will be available the day of the event for $40. Though this may seem like a hefty price for the average college student’s wallet, this groundbreaking event won’t disappoint.
SMORGASPORT AIMS TO ENTERTAIN STUDENTS GET FREE SHIRTS, KNOCK FRIENDS TO THE GROUND AT SMORGASPORT MELISSA CASAS OPINIONS EDITOR
Each fall during one of the first few weeks of classes, the hundreds of organizations situated at Cal State Long Beach come together in an amalgamation of free stuff, sign-up sheets, and zealous club members in what we’ve come to call Week of Welcome. The very last day of this week of information, goodies, and activity on the commencement lawn and around campus concludes with an evening event meant to wrap up the commotion: Smorgasport. This year’s Smorgasport was held last Friday, in the area formerly known as employee lane on lower campus and in part of Lot 3 by Brotman Hall. Though the event began at 8 p.m., lines were already wrapped around Brotman Hall hours beforehand with excited students ready to kick off the weekend. The first 200 people in line received free t-shirts, an incentive that was a major contributor to the length of the queue of people so early in the day. With tight budgets and rising prices, it’s hard to
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blame those with enough time and zeal for wanting to take advantage of the freebies made possible for them on campus. At Smorgasport, ASI never fails to bring many treats and diversions to students. At this year’s event, food was plentiful. Cha for Tea was on campus as they had been for most of the week, serving free samples of their drinks and food as well as handing out coupons and menus for students privy to their fare. Wienerschnitzel and Gringos Tacos had food trucks on hand, Red Bull provided a limited supply of free samples alongside their stereo and monitor-equipped truck, popcorn was given throughout the night, and “mocktails” were served by volunteers toward the rear of the hub of activity. A range of activities was offered for the crowd and included a paintball tent, where less painful ammunition was provided for the sake of inexperienced patrons. The bucking mechanical bull made a return appearance for the countless people who lined up throughout the night to give him a
try and a Frisbee toss was provided nearby. Additionally, an inflatable arena available for anyone hoping to fight a friend with a giant q-tip attracted numerous pairs, all ready to knock each other to the ground. A football toss for the athletically inclined was made available, and a quartet of bungee trampolines made an appearance for students to flip around and bounce on to their hearts’ content. Smorgasport wouldn’t be a true finale to end of Week of Welcome without participation from the clubs themselves. Multiple organizations, such as different fraternities and sororities, had tables filled with flyers and information at the ready for anyone who may have missed them earlier in the week on the commencement lawn. Sophomore student Lupe Cornejo said, “This year was fun but last year seemed better. It feels like they cut out some activities, and some promises for the night seemed unkept. But I’m glad I got free stuff.” And in the end, isn’t that what Smorgasport is really about.
If you’re reading this column then you have completed your first two weeks of the Fall 2012 semester. Only 14 more weeks to go. Uplifting, right? A big part of attending college is extracurricular involvement. I would even argue that being involved outside of class is more important than attending class. Now, now, now: in NO way am I advocating for you to miss class. But when you walk across that stage and shake The King’s hand, you will be handed a degree alongside 9,000 other students. 9,000 more able-bodied graduates heading into the workforce, fighting for a well-paying job. What will make you stand out among thousands? Will it be your degree? No, it will be your extra-curriculars. Try to get involved any way you can while you are at CSULB. It will not only enhance your time here, but will also enhance your future. Almost every major has a club attached to it; there’s the History Students Association for you history nerds, or the Society of Women Engineers for women who are going to make a lot more money than all of us combined. Apply for internships within your college to test out jobs for your future. Network, network, network while you are here at CSULB. You never know who is going to end up where, so it is always a good thing to become acquainted with as many people as possible. We have more than 300 clubs/organizations on campus, and I’m sure there is at least one that you will fit into. Hell, we even have a club for all you Magic the Gathering nerds (CSULB Gaming Club). All in all, I encourage everyone to become involved. Our University President, The King, always says, “If you are only attending class and going home, you are not getting a full education.” Have a great upcoming week 49ers! Please email me (asi-vicepresident@ csulb.edu) with any questions, ideas, comments, criticism, etc. GO BEACH! ASI GOVERNMENT SPOTLIGHT: Alexis Rockwell, Student Orientation Commissioner. Commissioner Rockwell was responsible for setting up and managing Inforama, Week in Welcomeland, and Smorgasport, all which happened last week. I’m pretty sure she did not sleep at all last week, but her dedication and drive showed in her awesome events! Alexis Rock’d Well (pun intended). The opinions expressed here are the author’s opinions alone and do not reflect the opinions of ASI, ASI government, or CSULB in any way.
DENOUNCING OUR DEMONS
COMING CLEAN ABOUT OUR IRRATIONAL FEARS
MUSIC
WAKE, BAKE, SKATE, REPEAT COOL KIDS FIDLAR TALK ABOUT, MUSIC, TOURING, AND HOOKERS
JOHN VILLANUEVA MUSIC EDITOR
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ome say punk is dead. Those guys are assholes. They also probably haven’t heard of FIDLAR, a band that’s been making waves in the music scene as of late. I recently interviewed Elvis Kuehn, FIDLAR’s lead guitarist, on music, musical roots and the rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle. Union Weekly: So to get those who don’t know about you informed, how did you guys meet and how was the band formed initially? How did the name FIDLAR come about? Elvis Kuehn: Max and I are brothers and we have played music together since we were kids. I met Zac at a recording studio called Kingsize in LA. We started playing music together and it just felt right. We have similar music taste and work well together. We would use the studio at night when all the sessions were done for the day and stay up late and record demos. I brought in my brother to play drums and Zac brought in his roommate Brandon to play bass. After a while of recording demos we booked a show and started putting a set together. The first show we played was a FMLY ride. They are these huge late night bike rides that make periodical stops all over LA throughout the night. At each stop a different band plugs all their gear into one outlet and plays until the cops come. Usually the stops are at parking lots, art spaces, or the corner of a busy intersection. We played at the Culver City skatepark and the cops showed up pretty fast but we were somehow able to get through our whole set. On three of the rides we played in a Pep Boys parking lot right next to statues of Manny, Moe, and Jack. The name FIDLAR is a skateboarding term that was made up by the kids that skate for Brooklyn Projects. They would say FIDLAR before trying a crazy skate trick. Zac used to be roommates with some of them and he adopted the word. When we were thinking of band names it just worked the best. It fits with our style of music and it’s cool because it has been a saying for a while so some people don’t even know about our band and just say it because they like the word.
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UW: What bands do you guys take influences from? EK: Credence Clearwater Revival, Black Lips, Cramps, Thee Oh Sees, Johnny Cash, The Pixies, Adolescents, Butthole Surfers, Redd Kross, Johnny Thunders, The Ramones, Germs, FEAR, and many more. UW: So I know that Elvis and Max both come from musical roots, can you elaborate on that? EK: Our dad is a musician and the keyboard player of TSOL. Max and I have both been playing music forever. Our house has always been full of instruments and our parents record collections. We were exposed to punk music at a very young age and we both connected to it. It was a little weird though because when punk music first started most teenagers were using it as a way to rebel against their parents. When your parents were a part of the beginning of punk you can’t really rebel with punk music, but we found other ways to rebel I guess. I never listened to stuff like Neil Young, The Beatles, The Band, Rolling Stones, or Grateful Dead growing up and those are bands that I listen to all the time now, but I really only got into them in the last few years. My brother and I joke that listening to those bands was in a way a rebellion against our parents which I think has some truth to it. It’s been cool discovering more about those bands and listening to classic records I never heard as a kid. Although it might not show a lot of those bands have a heavy influence on our music. UW: How do you guys feel about being hailed as one of the faces of punk’s revival? EK: It’s funny that we are lumped into that category because that was never our intention when starting the band. We like to play loud and fast and we are all influenced by the same punk bands so I guess it’s inevitable but we’ve never really considered ourselves a punk band. It’s easy to get thrown into the “punk” category and that can be dangerous because a lot of people will write your band
off and not give your music a chance if you are considered “punk.” We are all open to changing and modifying our sound at any time. As long as we keep the energy and the attitude I think that’s all that matters. UW: You guys have been getting huge as of late, I know you played Lollapalooza over summer and SXSW earlier this year. How were those experiences? EK: SXSW was great. We played 10 shows. Well, the last one got shut down before we were able to play. This was our second time going to SXSW and it’s always an awesome experience. It’s my favorite festival because it’s just a ton of shows at different venues around Austin for a week. I prefer it much more than the regular festival setting because seeing bands in a club is a much better experience than in the hot sun with bad sound. Lollapalooza was really fun too. There was a tornado warning a couple hours after we played and the whole festival had to be evacuated and shut down for a few hours. I’d never experienced something like that. 100,000 people leaving the festival at the same time all trying to find shelter. Once the storm ended they were able to continue the festival but some bands didn’t get to play. Luckily our set time was earlier in the day so we got to play. UW: Have you guys had any setbacks while on tour? EK: It’s been pretty smooth sailing on tour so far. We tried using a tour manager for the first time and he ended up being the worst tour manager we could have possibly used. He got lost every time he drove and was drinking and driving. It was not a good experience so we’re gonna be having our friends come on tour with us from now on. UW: You have any weird stories from the road? Black out and wake up next to somebody weird or have any fans wig out during a show? EW: We stopped in Memphis on the way to Washington D.C. for our first show with The
Hives in June. We stayed at a Motel 6 in a pretty seedy area. Zac and I were outside having a cigarette at one in the morning and a crackhead hooker came up to us asking us for a light for her cigarette. Once we gave her a light she would not leave us alone. She basically started molesting us and we were getting pretty freaked out so we just kept saying we weren’t interested. She kept trying to get us to come to her room and we just kept trying to get away from her. So eventually we started walking to our room and I went into our room first and Zac followed right behind me. While Zac was walking in she barged into our room. Everyone else in the room was asleep so everyone started to wake up to this crazy woman in our room harassing all of us. She went up to my brother and Brandon who were sleeping on the beds and grabbed their crotches. It was not a good scene. We kept trying to kick her out, but we didn’t want to touch her because we thought her pimp would be waiting for us outside. She then started to take off her pants and we just kept telling her she had to get out of our room. Finally we got her out of the room and we were all pretty shook up but relieved. The next morning we realized during all the commotion she managed to steal Brandon’s wallet without any of us knowing. It was pretty fucked up but we were all laughing about it after a couple hours. UW: Lastly, do you have any advice for the kids out there? EK: Start your own band. If you want to go to school and play in a band it’s possible. I finished college at CSULB and I was playing in FIDLAR for most of my time there. Also, if you are discouraged trying to deal with venues in town set up a DIY show. Play at your friends house or a warehouse, somewhere unconventional where you don’t have to deal with the bullshit of promoters or club owners. Playing venues is necessary at a certain point and can be a great experience but when you’re starting out it’s good to try playing everywhere you can. Whether it’s a Pep Boys parking lot or your friends backyard.
ENTERTAINMENT
MORE LIKE BLANDED
BRANDED IS A LAMESTREAM FILM WITH A SEMI-INVENTIVE PLOT SIMON BATY CONTRIBUTOR
T
he first time I saw the trailer for Branded I thought of the 1988 film They Live, and hoped that this would be a movie that has finally come along to relieve me of the garbage that my senses are perpetually immersed in whenever I go within 100 feet of a movie theatre. I was wrong. Very wrong. Branded is as if They Live took acid and forgot to make sense, and after a series of misfortunes, woke up in a gutter, beaten, with only enough money for special effects. This “psychological action thriller” has all the ingredients to induce intrigue: mystery, murder, conspiracy, monsters, Leelee Sobieski, but it is derailed by a stop-and-go story line that leaves you scratching your head for a good 45 minutes. The end result is an anecdote on life support presented to us in nearly incoherent pieces that are difficult to follow and almost impossible to engage.
Set in a dystopian future, Misha Galkin (Ed Stoppard) works unskilled labor jobs learning marketing skills on the fly until he meets Bob Gibbons (Jeffrey Tambor). Gibbons essentially provides the launching pad for Galkin to become one of the best marketers in the world. Simultaneously, another marketer who has no name (Max Von Sydow) and whose existence is never explained, manipulates the Russian masses into thinking fat is glamorous in an attempt to raise fast food revenues for his clients. Galkin, who begins to see the damage he helps cause, exiles himself and becomes a shepherd where he undergoes a spiritual transformation that includes mutilating a red cow. This enables him to “see” things no one else can, he can see blobs coming out of people that are a manifestation of their desires. To counteract the evil marketing blobs,
Galkin does marketing for Asian businessmen who are looking to open a vegetarian chain in Moscow. Galkin, through various means of deception, convinces the Russians that beef is deadly, thus clearing the market for vegetarian food that he somehow knows will counteract the blobs. The fast food blobs and vegetarian blobs fill the sky at this point and a battle ensues. Branded does succeed in delivering a new and original take on a stale, overused story structure. Fans of the avant-garde, abstract, and independent fare will either love Branded or think it asinine. With that being said, first-time directors, producers, and writers Jamie Bradshaw and Alexander Doulerain fumble hard in both of their directorial debuts. As stated above, there is an offshoot of the main story that is somewhat supplemental but mostly unnecessary.
These scenes, which include an unnamed marketer conferring with fast food executives, advance the plot only by explaining the blobs that Galkin eventually sees. These people are never seen more than a few times and we never get to see what becomes of them. Besides an unexplained haphazard, meandering scene selection, the uninterested main character also presents a hindrance. Near the climax, Galkin sees so many monsters in the sky he cannnot even see the skyline, but he spends most of his time concerning himself with Abby. If there is something to learn from this experience, it’s this: marketing is genius. As director Jamie Bradshaw once said, “marketing is the product plus the packaging.” A sweet trailer + an awesome poster = me thinking this movie was going to be great. Learn from my mistake.
OBAMA’S AMERICA IS YO MOMMA’S AMERICA HATERS ARE GOING TO HATE MICHAEL CLELAND UNION STAFFER
“Love him or hate him, you don’t know him.” This is one the taglines of Dinesh D’ Souza’s 2016: Obama’s America. D’Souza does an extensive on-screen investigation into Obama’s youth and foreign upbringing, suggesting along the way that the route of his socialist presidency derives directly from the influence of his alcoholic, absentee father, the late Barack Obama Sr., who died in a drunken car crash in 1982. D’Souza says, “We are close linked by our past… but nothing can threaten the future quite as much as the depths of our past.” He claims that Obama’s drive for success was a means to overcompensate the psychological wound he still carries
due to being abandoned by his father as a child, and that he utilizes his father’s anticolonialist, anti-American beliefs in his presidency because of it — to impress the ghost of his father, so to speak. D’Souza aims to further substantiate his theory, quoting Obama in voice over from his autobiography, Dreams from my Father, in which the passages convey a deep hurt and reverence for the father he hardly knew. “If Barack Obama wins a second term, where will we be in 2016?” This is the driving theme behind D’Souza’s obviously propagandist film: highlighting Obama’s failures as our president and our inevitable collapse if he stays in office. To not seem so
propagandistic, but perhaps genuine, he at first relates to us his trivial similarities with Obama, but soon after this comparison jumps right into his message. A camera pans to multiple citizens, including celebrities, who say how disappointed they are in Obama. Throughout the film he speaks in voice over like an infomercial citing evidence that his radical politics in office (slashing America’s nuclear arsenal, breaking ties with Israel, nationalizing healthcare, increasing the deficit carelessly) are, again, because of his father’s anticolonial influence. He even goes as far to visit Obama’s half-brother, George Obama, who lives in poverty in Kenya, and asks him
why Obama hasn’t lifted a finger to help him, meanwhile informing the audience that Obama exploits poor countries like these for their lucrative resources. His propagandist theory gets old, but the film never fails to entertain. Between quick-moving, insightful interviews with professionals and beautiful cinematic shots where Obama lived or visited (Kenya, Hawaii, Indonesia), this 90 minute documentary is worth seeing, but cannot be taken seriously as an agent to sway your politics. After all, D’Souza is still guessing, “What is Obama’s dream? Is it the American dream, Martin Luther King’s dream, or someone else’s dream?” UNION WEEKLY
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CULTURE
HEART-FELT HOBBIES 26*3, *': :063 -*'& ALISON ERNST 6/*0/ 45"''&3
veryone knows that the best kind of girl is a quirky girl. You too can be a quirky girl by creating your own army of little felt pals. There is a need for more cuteness in
E
under $15, you can buy a lifetime supply
creations that you can make; your only limit is your imagination. Besides being totally adorable, felt pals
30 cents for a piece the size of a sheet of paper. One sheet of felt will make several felt pals, if you utilize space. This week, I demonstrate how to make a felt sloth.
REQUIRED MATERIALS
t TIFFU PG EBSL CSPXO GFMU t TIFFU PG MJHIU CSPXO GFMU t TIFFU PG CMBDL GFMU
costs around $5 and comes with every color
t 4PNF FNCSPJEFSZ ýPTT UISFBE JO EBSL CSPXO BOE CMBDL t #BTJD TFXJOH OFFEMF t 4DJTTPST
45&14 1 Cut out the patterns on the bottom of just use a hole punch. Trace the pattern onto your felt; two large circles and two teardrops on dark brown felt. Trace one
your tracing is done, cut everything out.
2
3
Place the face together. Do not sew anything yet! Play with the felt pieces to determine how you want the face to
Sew the little black circles on the teardrops using a basic stitch. Then, take your tear drops and sew them to the tan piece. You should also sew your nose at
an angry or sad or happy sloth. hot glue your eyes and nose down. Give him a little stitch for a mouth, too.
1"55&3/4
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10 SEPTEMBER 2012
CULTURE 6
4
Stuff your creation! Use care to not rip and a nose!) to one of the dark brown trouble, you can use a pen to poke cotton balls down.
like to use contrasting thread for this part,
crooked stitches can be charming on something homemade.
5
7
Lay the face piece on top of the other brown circle. Sew the dark brown circles together, with the face on the outside. Leave an opening about an inch wide.
give to your mom and friends and that cute guy in your Chem class!
_5*14 '03 '&-5 1"- .",*/(_ $VU PVU ZPVS QBUUFSO PO B TIFFU PG DBSETUPDL BOE VTF UIBU DBSETUPDL UP USBDF UIF QBUUFSO POUP UIF QJFDF PG GFMU 5IJT XJMM NBLF ZPVS MJGF FBTJFS BOE ZPV DBO TBWF UIF DBSETUPDL UP VTF BHBJO BOE BHBJO
If you are having trouble, I offer seriously, you might want to leave your project and come back. Sometimes a crafting is supposed to be fun! Once you
get the hang of it, you can make your own elaborate patterns. If you do happen to have any questions/comments/concerns, you can email me at alison.union@gmail. com. We can make the world a cuter place, one felt pal at a time.
* IBWF JODMVEFE SFDPNNFOEFE GFMU DPMPST JO UIF JOTUSVDUJPOT #VU ZPV DBO UPUBMMZ SPDL B QJOL TMPUI JG ZPV XBOU UP
"GUFS ZPV USBDF TPNFUIJOH PO B QJFDF PG GFMU ZPV XJMM XBOU UP NBLF TVSF UIBU ZPV BMXBZT VTF UIF iHPPEw "MXBZT TUBSU GSPN UIF FEHF PG TJEF PG UIF GFMU UIF TIJOJFS TJEF UIF TIFFU PG GFMU BLB VUJMJ[F ZPVS ,FFQ UIF CBE TJEF PO UIF JOTJEF TQBDF :PV XJMM CF BCMF UP NBLF NPSF JUFNT *G ZPV EFDJEF UP VTF FNCSPJEFSZ ýPTT ZPV XJMM OFFE UP TFQBSBUF $PUUPO CBMMT DBO CF HSFBU UIF UISFBET :PV POMZ OFFE UP VTF TUVGåOH GPS GFMU QBMT POF TUSBOE
UNION WEEKLY
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SCI-FREAKING-FI
LITERATURE
Intro
TORIE RIVERA LITERATURE EDITOR
A
s September rolls on, the literature page will continue to surprise sex your cognizance with science fiction: book reviews, podcasts, and more! Two weeks down and three more to go of awesome science fiction. On a side note, I
regret the fact that the Union Weekly forgot last week to commemorate the 46th birthday of Star Trek, the second best intergalactic saga. So, the literature page will take it upon itself to wish Star Trek a happy birthday! Although it became Days of Our Lives with
laser beams and spaceships, the original Star Trek was indeed a monumental milestone in science fiction. Now back to literature. As the sci-fi is being dished out left and right, keep in mind that Halloween is just around the corner. The
DEATHSTALKER Darkstalker. Just sounds goddamn BAD, doesn’t it? Welcome back, CSULB students. ‘Tis I, your beloved Bookworm, here today with a short recommendation for Darkstalker by Simon R. Green. This book, much like the name of the main character, is quite awesome. Set in a completely different universe the book follows Owen Deathstalker, last direct descendant of Giles Deathstalker, the onetime Patriarch of the Deathstalker family. There is way too much to say about how everything works in this place, but I can tell you that there is never a dull moment. It begins in media res in a space battle
WELLS ON THE WEB H.G. Wells, along with Jules Verne, ushered in proper British science fiction in the mid to late 19th century. Wells focused his well-wrought and descriptively-written sci-fi on making social points and critiques. And did you know that Wells also hosts his very own podcast in this day and age, over a half-century after his death? By implementing time travel technology, The Dead Authors Podcast (which doubles as a monthly live show at the UCB Theatre in Los Angeles) allows Wells to interview legendary dead authors. Wells travels through time and space to Ancient Greece to grab Aesop for some chit-chat, and
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lit page of the last issue of October will be comprised of non-fiction Halloween short stories. So send in your most interesting Halloween experiences, whether they be scary, funny, or a freakish mixture of the two. That said, lets get on with the sci-fi.
WES VERNER UNION STAFFER
between a pirate ship and the fucking Empire from Star Wars (not actually but it is an Empire, and they are also evil). Then, many things happen in a very short amount of time, and it really adds to the whirlwind confusion that the main character is feeling. And it just goes from there. I can’t tell you how much I recommend this book. OK, I suppose I can. It’s a lot. A hell of a lot. I recommend this book so much that Simon R. Green should be paying me to tell you this. But seriously, go check it out. I LOVE YOU, LOYAL READERS. Specifically you. Yes, you. No, not him, you. Thanks for reading.
LEO PORTUGAL WEB MANAGER
to a young America for a hearty heartto-heart with good old Ben Franklin. Of course, since time travel isn’t science-fact, Wells is actually masterfully performed by mustachioed comedian Paul F. Tompkins. Head on over to a bookstore to grab one of Wells’s books (I highly recommend The Time Machine) and check for The Dead Authors Podcast on iTunes for fun interviews with great authors like Emily Dickinson (as performed by Andy Richter), Jorge Luis Borges (Nick Kroll), and, for the sci-fi/horror inclined, H.P. Lovecraft (Paul Scheer). As an added bonus, all proceeds from the UCB live show benefit 826LA tutoring and writing centers.
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DISSECT MY BRAIN CRAZY LADY #2
UNION STAFFER
KEVIN NG
ROSE FEDUK
MARK MADUKE
COMICS
DISCLAIMER:
In an alternate dimension everything written on this page is true. I’m sure there’s an episode of that show Sliders where Jerry O’Connell picks up a newspaper and says “fuck” because the headline says “The Duchess of Grunion marries Jerry O’Connell.” We do not represent ASI, nor do we represent the CSULB campus. Email the Duchess at grunion@lbunion.com
“Fear-o-phobia! Face-fuck Your Fears! Fear Dot Cum!”
Volume 71 Issue 3
Monday, September 10, 2012
LBUNION.COM
PINK FOUND RED IN HOTEL BATHROOM
MISSED CONNECTION LONG BEACH
The music world is in mourning today as Pinkadette “Pink” Pinkerson was found dead in the bathroom of the Hard Rock Hotel. Information is sparse By CLARK DUNKLE at the moment, but witnesses at the scene claim that around 2am Saturday, Pink was seen stumbling around the lobby after a late night of screaming “rock and roll” silently at unsuspecting “posers” before ultimately crawling in the direction of the restroom. Security footage shows Pink entering the restroom and someone resembling Pink exiting 15 minutes later. The cause of death is yet unknown, pending an autopsy, and police have not ruled out murder as a possible cause of death in a bizarre situation such as this. A spokesperson for the Las Vegas police department stated
Hottie with the Bootie at the Rec
that they have detained one person in corroboration with the death, 19-year-old Miley “Hena Montegna” Cyrus. The police were tipped off after Cyrus tweeted, “Bye bun! Stay tuned!” and “Never felt more ‘me’ in my whole life,” later posting a picture of her new blonde hair. Cyrus’ family could not be reached for comment but sources close to the family say that the family is distraught by the arrest, stating that Cyrus being at the hotel at the same time as the murder and altering her appearance to resemble Pink are merely coincidental and are circumstantial evidence at best. Fans of the late singer gathered inside the restroom and played her album M!ssundaztood three times in front of a mirror in hopes that her “rock and way to link the world of the living and the dead, while others used their pocket Ouija boards in an attempt to contact the recently departed diva.
I saw you working on your glutes last Tuesday. You were wearing a white tank top and some spandex shorts. Couldn’t tell if you were a guy or a girl, but either way I’d like to play a drum solo on those buns. Look for me by the Robek’s at one.
Girl Seeks Boyfriend Who Likes Cats n’ Cuddles Looking for a true gent who enjoys the company of cats and can make me purr. I am a single lady with a lot of love and belly rubs to give. Let me sharpen my nails on your scratching post. Me-owwww! >^..^<
Lady at Alex’s Bar We danced and it was fun. You complimented me on my dancing and it was very nice. Also, I do not remember a majority of the night, so if you hear anything about a missing I have absolutely no clue.
Smoking Girl by the fountain We have English together Wednesday nights. You were smoking cigarettes during our break next to a water fountain and I asked you if I could “get a fucking drink or do I have to wait until I get cancer too?” Then I noticed how cute you were. Sorry for being an asshole.
Frat Boy 2 Fine Hot frat boy, I saw you yesterday ten rows in front of me in the lecture hall. I just want you to know that you’re not good enough for me. Text me if you want to cyber though.
Jerk By the Bookstore This goes out to the jerk that called me an “asshole” for taking the last Bio 200 book. You kind of caught me by surprise and walked away, so I couldn’t give you a snazzy comeback. I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, but “You’re the asshole, jerk.”
Complimented my watch at the bus stop on Beach Blvd You are a beautiful, red-haired, intelligent woman and you said you liked my watch. It’s funny; my father left me this watch after he died and I’ve been wearing it for compliment it. Ever since I got it, I’ve felt naked without it. Also, I was the guy with the watch wrapped around my genitals and I wasn’t wearing any pants or underpants. socks were so I know it’s you.
Trader Joe’s around 7:30pm on Wednesday U were cute and I wanted to say something to u so bad and I saw u eating the free samples. U were sweaty and had blonde hair, u were probably shopping with ur mom. I then followed u to the check out lane and u only bought morning star patties and soy yogurt. I was wearing glasses and a taking back Sunday tee. If u r vegan I think that’s sexy. I’ll be there next Wednesday with the same shirt by the meat isle. Looking for that he-man, she-wolf, or robo-slut to honey your boo boo? Send in your missed connections to grunion@lbunion.com
INSIDE
Michelle Obama Space Jams Mitt Romney at the DNC, Becomes President
America Begrudgingly Masturbates To Christina Hendrick’s Feet
Al Pacino To Play Joe Paterno in Biopic, Hypes Unsimulated Sex Acts