Lowering the Bar

28 January 2013 Volume 72 Issue 2 The Students’ Newspaper www.LBUNION.com

LOWERING THE BAR First-hand accounts of our favorite local shitholes Page 7

To alcohol! The cause of…and solution to…all of life’s problems.

—Homer J. Simpson

Issue 72.02

Vincent Chavez, Editor-in-Chief editorinchief@lbunion.com Colleen Brown, Managing Editor colleen.union@gmail.com Gabe Ferreira, Managing Editor gabe.union@gmail.com Marco Beltran, Senior Editor marcob.union@gmail.com Michael Wood, Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com Brianne Schaer, News Director news@lbunion.com John Villanueva, Music Editor music@lbunion.com Wes Verner, Literature Editor literature@lbunion.com Colleen Brown, Culture Editor culture@lbunion.com Rose Feduk, Comics Editor comic@lbunion.com Duchess of Spain, Grunion Editor grunion@lbunion.com Gabe Ferreira, Art Director gabe.union@gmail.com Brian Mark, Art Director brian.union@gmail.com Connor O’Brien, Photo Editor connor.union@gmail.com Nichole Daniels, Illustration Editor nichole.union@gmail.com

Illustration by Rose Feduk Comics Editor

Leo Portugal, Web Manager web@lbunion.com Assitant Editors: Camile Hove, Ingrid Rosales, Tanya Paz, Tyre Jones.

Staffers/Contributors: Joseph Phillips, Jon Bolin, Kevin Ng, Sierra Patheal, Amy Patton, Mike Cleland, Rachel Clare, Tyler Dean, Nate Musser, Melissa Casas, Wes Young, Mariha Lowe, Nathan Moore.

Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union weekly, not ASI or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words.

The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers.

Grievance procedures are available in the

Beach, CA 90815.

E-mail: info@lbunion.com

LBUnion.com

Vin’s Two Cents Letters to and from the Editor Vincent Chavez Editor-in-Chief I know what you’re thinking, it’s only the second week of school and those boozehounds at the Union are already drowning themselves in the cheapest hooch they could get their grubby little mitts on. Well, I’ll have you know that this job can be pretty stressful, and if a hardworking man of legal age wants to have a little sauce every once in a while then it’s his goddamn business and I don’t want any lip about it.

Anywho, I think it’s the perfect time to unwind with a beer and a game of pool.

This is the moment where you’re just

realizing that you’ll never pay off your student loans or amount to anything so you might as well blow it all on cocktails and shrimp. Plus, think of all the colorful bar patrons you’ll meet. Why look in the corner, there’s Fat Joseph loading his revolver for a friendly game of Russian roulette. Go, Joe! Oh and look, Crazy Suzan’s just walked in. Some of you may know her has Boozy Suzy on account of she’s always shouting, “Are you cruisin’ for my booze, son?” And playing the piano, why it’s Gay Marvin Gaye, the queerest ivory tickler south of the San Fernando

Valley. They say GMG once outgayed Elton John and Liberace for the title of Miss Piano Queen USA, but had his title stripped from him weeks later after he was busted for taking Cher-oids.

You see, the bar scene isn’t just about getting juiced and hitting on chicks; it’s about community. So mosey on down to page 7 for our minute-to-minute reviews of Long Beach’s darkest and dingiest dive bars and add some color to your local bars this weekend. Oh and if you run into Marvin, tell him I said hey girl and spit in his mouth. He’ll know why.

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OPINIONS

Union Weekly—28 January 2013

Follow the Money!: Censorship and Advertising How advertisers create an impotent media Michael Wood Opinions Editor

In our society, there are few freedoms we hold dearer than the freedom of the press. Compared with regimes of censorship, propaganda, and silence across the world, the United States is seen as a beacon of democracy in the eyes of many, mostly Americans themselves. However, our deep dark secret as a nation is that we do not have the sort of freedom of the press that we wish we did. In fact, we find ourselves silenced in completely different ways, not by the strong arm of a ruthless dictator or by rag tag groups of fanatics forcing us under the barrel of a gun to change our message. No, our wallets silence us. The bottom line silences us and in the grand capitalist tradition, we are not as free nor well informed as we like to think ourselves to be.

The first step to understanding how censorship in the American tradition works is understanding how the mass media works. Rarely does any major news outlet in this country make a large amount of their money off of subscriptions or public funding. Most news outlets in this nation make the majority of their money off of advertising. Now this may seem benign on paper. In fact, it seems like a mutually beneficial arrangement on its most basic level. The advertiser pays for commercial space or a column in the paper to promote awareness of their products. The news outlet gets money to further improve it’s coverage of events and viewership which leads to more advertisers interested who would like to reach out to the expanded viewership of the news outlet. However in this day and age, the mass media has been held hostage by the advertisers who

support them.

Does the term “editorial control” ring a bell? For those of you who don’t know, it is the power held by the owners and most influential people in any media outlet to control what is published in said media outlet. In the past before the rising prominence of the advertising industry, it was held by the owners of news outlets and the editors (who were typically seasoned journalists who had respect for the duty of news media to be the watchdog over prominent government and private agencies in society).

Nowadays there is a new rising star that takes more and more editorial control of news outlets, effectively limiting the power of journalists and editors in society.

Advertisers, typically large corporations who may or may not benefit monetarily from their advertisements are given de facto control over the content of news reports. This may seem odd so I’ll explain.

When an advertiser places an order for a large amount of ads, lets say on CNN, the news outlet can expect in the area of millions of dollars of regular income from these ads, making up a non trivial part of their budget used to pay reporters, staff and technicians and on top of that, keep the station running on a 24/7 news basis.

However, by taking that money, the news outlet becomes dependent on the whims of the advertisers. Lets say that CNN airs a story intensely critical of the healthcare system and the corporation paying for these ads is Pfizer, a major manufacturer of prescription drugs or Blue Cross, a large health insurance company. These companies can take recourse for the story

that may be bad for business by pulling their ads off of the network, effectively defunding the network and forcing major difficulties upon them, possibly resulting in the shut down of the network. Using the threat of pulling ads in the case of a story making the airwaves that is bad for business, these large corporations exercise de facto editorial control of the news station. It’s obvious how this is problematic.

In more severe situations, corporations can exercise real editorial control over news outlets due to the fact that many of these corporations actually own their own news networks, buying prominent ones off the market. A great example of this is NBC. NBC was for much of its history was a reliable news source much like the others counted among the “Big Three” from back in the days of analog and antenna based TV. However, in 1986 after a relaxing of anti-trust laws in the media, General Electric bought out NBC, which wouldn’t be a problem if GE did not have a record of environmental destruction and corrupt business dealings that even went as far as defrauding the Pentagon and manufacturing arms. Keep that last one in mind; it seems to be the most benign however it is possibly the most damning. Throughout the course of the First Gulf War where the United States was coaxed into intervening in Iraq’s invasion of Kuwait in the name of protecting sovereignty and democracy (Let’s ignore for the moment that Kuwait is ruled by a king and only extends voting rights to 15% of it’s population), NBC used it’s position as a major news network to promote the war and focus on pro war

points of view in their coverage of the conflict. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that due to their ownership by GE and editorial control being in the hands of GE executives, that their reporting was perhaps biased. When GE manufactures aircraft engines for the US military, it has an interest in promoting positive feelings and press towards our air strikes against Iraq. All sense of objective and unbiased reporting goes out the door when profit is to be made by the parent company.

It is clear that here in the United States, censorship is a very real problem, and it is in fact the elephant in the room that no one wishes to talk about. Our censorship problem in this country only grows larger the longer we ignore it. Until we start demanding accountability from the news networks that have gone back on their duty to inform us, objectively and with the intention of limiting biases we will be stuck as a nation. Without that basic duty held in high regard, democracy cannot function properly and the reasonably intelligent population of the United States will continue to be misinformed by snake oil salesmen, corporations and other two bit con men looking to make an easy dollar off of the misinformation spread throughout these networks. The press has been widely regarded as the fourth branch of government in our society, and it is just as powerful in our society as the presidency, the congress or the courts. Its power stems from the fact that it’s duty is to hold the other 3 branches accountable for their actions. It’s time we start holding that fourth estate accountable.

Union Weekly—28 January 2013

OPINIONS

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Ramblin’ and Gamblin’ Inside the mind of an incredibly indecisive individual Brianne Schaer News Editor

The mere thought of making a decision is enough to nearly bring me to tears. I just don’t understand how people do it—how one can come to a solid conclusion based on a careful analysis of a series of facts and experiences. I, unfortunately, cannot remember the last time I stuck by a decision. Instead I sway from side to side like a palm tree in the eye of a storm. I can only hope that I will not meet the fate destined for that palm tree. I can only try to avoid being uprooted and tossed around by an immeasurable gust of wind.

My mind is oftentimes as cloudy and unruly as a hurricane. There’s just so much going on. Every day is the same. I

wake up, can’t decide if I should get out of bed. Can’t decide if I should brush my teeth or wash my face first. Then I have to decide what to wear. It’s a mess. Once I get all the day-to-day details sorted out, then the real serious issues start to arise.

I find myself wondering if I should apply to grad school, if I chose a useless major, if I chose an appropriate essay topic. I question my career path, my friends, and my interests. Every time I am forced to take a position, I often go back and forth repeatedly until I just get stuck somewhere because time has run out. Time is always running out, and as my indecisiveness stays strong, my fear of failing grows.

The age-old question, “What am I doing with my life?” seems, at this point, inescapable. If I do not start to get moving on some seriously ambitious life goals, I may end up living at home until I’m 45.

I don’t know if I could handle another 20 years of having to explain myself to my mom. Even worse, if I do not power through this decision blockade I might even end up in a gutter somewhere begging for nickels until I scrounge up enough change for a Steel Reserve.

I set out to write an opinion article as a personal challenge to myself. It was time, I thought, to learn how to effectively develop a firm opinion. Then, after attempting to find an issue I feel

strongly about, and ramble on for 500+ words about my opinion on said issue, I realized that I don’t possess any opinions on any issues of relative importance or relevance. Yes, this means that my afterhours struggle to use the Schools First Credit Union ATM in the Student Union Food Court did not warrant the allotted column inches.

Until the day that I finally garner the strength to stand firm and commit myself to, well, anything really, I will remain a hopeless wanderer. I heard Jesus was a wanderer. I’m not comparing myself to Jesus. Unless I am.

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NEWS

Union Weekly—28 January 2013

Diversify Yourself at Week of Welcome Find your niche at the beginning of the semester Joseph Phillips Union Staffer

Week of Welcome has returned and will take place from January 29 to January 31 on upper campus from 11-2 p.m.

For those not familiar, Week of Welcome is a biannual event put on by Associated Students, Inc. for students to familiarize themselves with what Cal State Long Beach has to offer by means of student organizations.

As always, there will be a gauntlet of club sports, academic organizations, cultural organizations, and the assorted Greek Life craziness, so get pumped!

Whether you are searching for a truly legit Mathematics and Statistics Student Association or our awesome Ice Hockey team, you will not be disappointed.

Angela Li, ASI student orientation commissioner, recommends students check out Week of Welcome for more than just the experience.

“Our event is a way to welcome students to the new spring semester, and showcase the fact that there are well over 100 active organizations on campus,” she said. “This is one of the best opportunities to meet new people, network, and join that student organization you may not have had time for in the past.”

This semester’s theme for Week of Welcome is “Local Pride,” the objective of which is to learn more about your city and university.

The twist on this idea is that there will be posters scattered throughout the event on Wednesday and Thursday with

various facts. If you visit all of the posters and get a stamp from each station, you will be entered into a drawing to win a prize, which is a brand new beach cruiser.

There will be six different food trucks at Week of Welcome, with two different ones visiting each day. Some names on the lineup include: “Dogzilla,” “Pineapple Express,” and “The Lime Truck.”

Jonathon Bolin, ASI Vice President, praised the outstanding efforts of the Program Council and commissions.

“Week of Welcome is one of ASI’s cornerstone events, and after looking at the high turnout at last semester’s event, there is no doubt that this will be just as great,” Bolin said. “The amount of work put in by those involved is much appreciated by John and me, and we hope to put on a great show and show students that they can get involved in whatever they want to be a part of.”

CSULB’s Week of Welcome is the celebration of diversity that our school is so well known for. You can literally find anything and everything you can think of while you walk around the maze of tables and people. So go out there and join French Club, rush ZBT, or meet some sailing buddies!

Anyone interested in volunteering to help out with Week of Welcome is encouraged to visit the Beach Pride Center on the first floor of the University Student Union. ASI always appreciates student involvement.

Be Murray and celebrate USC students propose Bill Murray Appreciation Day Brianne Schaer News Director In an effort to make their thesis film as amazing as possible, a few USC students initiated a new holiday, Bill Murray Appreciation Day (BMAD).

The holiday is an attempt to garner the star’s attention and to entice him to play a role in this film, titled You Had Me At Goodbye. USC student Christopher Guerrero posted a video to YouTube and created a Facebook event page to build buzz around the holiday.

In his YouTube video, Guerrero describes Murray as being like Loch Ness or Big Foot, but real.

An inaugural celebration will take

place on Saturday, Feb. 2 (Groundhog Day, of course). Participants will meet at the Vista Theater on Sunset at 7:30 p.m., then head over to Good Luck Bar. Participants should dress up as their favorite Bill Murray character. Those who choose to forego dressing up should wear a DIY shirt that says, “Where Are You Bill Murray?”

The fun is not reserved for Los Angeles-based Murray fans alone.

Everyone is encouraged to participate by rallying a group and dressing up as a Murray character before heading to a local hot spot to celebrate.

The film team hopes they will catch Murray’s attention and inspire him to be a part of their film. Maybe he will show up on Sunset. Maybe he will call the phone number displayed on the Facebook event page. Maybe he won’t give a shit.

Regardless of how the actor responds to this effort, the film team definitely made a strong attempt at reaching him, as he has no agent or manager. The buzz over the holiday is spreading, as the LA Times and LAist have featured the event.

Murray fans will just have to wait in anticipation, hoping the elusive “Loch Ness” will make his appearance.

Brianne Schaer News Director There’s always something going on around campus. Whether it’s some obscure club or an ASI event, people are bound to be having fun when you’re sitting at home, bored. Here’s a few events I scrounged up that take place in and around CSULB. Art, Please If you missed the opening reception for Chockablock and Significant Ordinaries at the University Art Museum on Saturday, you’re already behind. Catch up by visiting these two great exhibits between now and April 14.

Chockablock features the work of 16 different artists. The contemporary pieces on display vary from visual artwork to social practice, or performance. The theme of digital networking unites this exhibit.

Significant Ordinaries features the work of contemporary conceptual artists in a way that focuses on presentation as a means of narration.

Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

CSULB’s German Club will host its first Stammtisch conversation table of the semester on Tuesday, Jan. 29 from 2-3 p.m. in the patio in front of the Nugget. All levels are welcome.

Enjoy lunch while chatting with German students and professors.

Scooooore!

Cheer on LBSU’s Ice Hockey Team during their last home game against CSU Fullerton on Saturday, Feb. 2 at 7:30 p.m. Head over to Glacial Gardens in Lakewood to check out the intense hockey game, complete with skates, ice, and hopefully, fights.

Money does Matter Learn from financial experts so you won’t be lost during tax season at the free community seminar, “Estate and Income Tax Update: Life Over the Fiscal Cliff.” Head over to the CSULB Foundation Building on Thursday, Feb. 7 at 6 p.m. Remember, learning about money is fun and useful.

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MUSIC

Union Weekly—28 January 2013

What We’re Listening To Fat Guy Drum Solo

Lionel Loueke Heritage

Against Me! The Disco Before the Breakdown

Various Artists Moonrise Kingdom Soundtrack

John Villanueva Music Editor

Wesley Verner Literature Editor

Michael Wood Opinions Editor

Camille Hove Assistant Editor

I recently watched a video called “Tummy Talk: An Epic Drum Solo.”

While it may not have been a solo, it was pretty epic. It featured a fat Samoan dude who stood still while 3 guys in tuxedos slapped out some sick percussion beats on his bodacious body. They slapped and smacked and at one point he opened his mouth and they used that too. Even though it’s only a minute long I can’t stop watching it. The sounds they make are fantastic and everyone should be exposed to it.

Against Me! knows better than anyone out there today the art of the short but salient punk EP. This is more than evident in The Disco Before the Breakdown. With only 3 songs, their 10 minute long EP says more than many albums do. Starting out with the athematic “The Disco Before the Breakdown” and ending with the somewhat softer and introspective “Beginning in an Ending”, the whole EP is a raw 10 minutes of soul searching punk with a soft heart at the core. It is the prime example of why it is better to have 10 minutes of soulful substantial music than 10 minutes of soulful music and 50 minutes of catchy filler.

Never have I heard a guitarist with as distinct a sound as Lionel Loueke.

Born in Benin, Lionel’s abilities became so renowned that he was awarded a scholarship to Berklee College of Music. His latest album, Heritage, is the perfect showcase of his African tinged jazz abilities, with just enough of a pop sensibiliity to allow crossover success.

Produced by genre-bending pianist Robert Glasper, the album does maintain a strong influence by the pianist, yet allows Loueke room to expand and experiment. “Ife” brings Loueke’s African roots to the spotlight, while “African Ship” has an electronic, drum n’ bass inspired rhythm section, courtesy of drummer Mark Guiliana.

The music to Moonrise Kingdom inspired the script itself. Wes Anderson heard the musical Noye’s Fludde, written by his friend Benjamin Britten, and created the story of Sam and Suzy intent on escaping their childhood woes. The classical and folk tunes that sparkle along the dialogue adds a beautiful poetry to the overall sense of the movie.

The play Britten wrote actually appears in the film. The ark and all of it’s animals is where Sam first meets Suzy: the raven.

“It is the color of the movie in a way,” Anderson says.

UNION WEEKLY’S FIRST ANNUAL SONG WRITING CONTEST. In lieu of Valentines Day we are holding a love song writing contest. No gimmicks just pure from the heart musicality. So put your heart on your sleeve and your guitar on your knee, and sing a little song for some cold hard ca$h money*

CONTEST RULES: You must write and perform your own love song. No gimmicks, just pure, from the heart musicality.

Accompaniment is up to you, but you are responsible for providing it.

Bands are welcome.

Songs must be between three and five minutes long.

A copy of the lyrics must accompany each submission.

Submissions can either be in video format or as an mp3.

WAYS TO SUBMIT: Drop off a USB at the Union office (which is on the bottom floor of the Student Union, next to the pool tables) You can send an mp3 or link by email to music@lbunion.com Or post a YouTube video or SoundCloud clip on the Union Weekly's Facebook page DEADLINE FOR SUBMISSIONS: You must submit your song by Thursday, February 7th.

Union Weekly—28 January 2013

CULTURE

Pleased to Meat You

Getting Some Color

A voyage into veganism at the Native Foods Café

Celebrating spring with some brightness

Colleen Brown Culture Editor

Michael Wood Opinions Editor

I make fun of vegans. I’m only teasing in a friendly way, but I honestly can’t understand why anyone would give up meat and cheese of their own volition.

Animals and animal products are far too delicious for me to ever consider not eating them ever again. On top of that, I generally dislike all vegetables, unless they’re hidden in mashed potatoes or something. I actually have a recurring nightmare that I’ve got the munchies, and I can’t find pork rinds or ice cream anywhere (just kidding, ladies don’t eat pork rinds). But let me tell you folks, I’ve become a believer. Last week, I went to Native Foods Café, a restaurant that specializes in vegetarian and vegan cuisine.

Nestled in a hippie-friendly shopping center called “The Camp” in Costa Mesa, this place set the stage for my conversion.

After reviewing the veggie-filled menu skeptically, I ordered the Super Italian Meatball Sub and Lavender Lemonade. They both turned out to be incredible. The aroma of the lemonade alone was enough to hook me. The scent of French lavender steeped with lemons was essentially aromatherapy, and the taste was incredibly fresh. I gulped down two glasses of it before my food even came. When my meatball sub did arrive, I was hesitant to try what they called “Native Sausage Seitan meatballs.” The meat “seitan” (pronounced “say-tahn,” or “Satan” if you’re a godless heathen like myself) was actually made out of wheat, but all was forgotten when I bit into the sandwich. While seitan doesn’t taste exactly the same as a regular meatball, I actually thought it tasted even better. The texture was spot-on, and it still contained the protein that we expect to obtain from a meat product. The sandwich was also loaded with caramelized onions, peppers, marinara sauce, pumpkin seed pesto, and dairy-free

ranch dressing. The final ingredient was “Native Parmesan,” a cheese substitute made from blended cashews, sunflower seeds, and other nuts. Coming from a person who eats meat and cheese religiously, this meatball sub still made me feel like I was indulging in a delicious guilty pleasure food. Only this time, it probably won’t cause me to die of a heart attack at an early age.

The menu is chock-full of delicious vegan and vegetarian options, and they seem to have a particular knack for creating indulgent food. It baffles me still that they have choices like bacon cheeseburgers, fried chicken, and a Reuben sandwich that are completely meat and dairy-free. My experience at Native Foods Café has forced me to take back everything I’ve ever said about vegans, because the recipes at this restaurant are more creative, delicious, and healthy than their mainstream counterparts.

The staff is wonderful, too! They’re all very knowledgable about the food, and they do their best to make first-timers to the vegan scene comfortable. The menu even notes and recommends items that will be “safe” for newcomers.

Though there are several Native Foods locations in California, including two in LA and one in Tustin, I’d highly recommend the one in Costa Mesa. Located near the South Coast Plaza Mall and directly across the street from The Lab Anti-Mall, The Camp has an abundance of cool stores and restaurants that you can visit. There’s an Umami Burger, some cool stores where you can buy camping or outdoorsy gear, and even a date-worthy wine-tasting restaurant called the Wine Lab. Make an afternoon or evening of your visit to The Camp, and visit Native Foods Café to open your mind to a new way of eating.

Holi, have you heard of it? Well, maybe you should have, because it’s a huge cultural festival coming to Los Angeles on March 16th. The celebration is rooted in Indian culture, with the festivities revolving around the passing of the cold dreary days of winter into the bright warm spring.

The celebration represents something great: an appreciation of existence, a plentiful harvest, and the end of dark days. It is marked largely in Indian culture by a relative relaxing of social strata, where people of different castes, ages, genders and classes can all celebrate together. The holiday is a Hindu one, but has the propensity to cross all cultural and religious lines since it represents a universal human value: life.

But let’s get to the really interesting part. Typically as part of the festivities, people throw colored and scented powders and waters at each other to represent the color and life that spring gives to the world every single year. Compounded with the singing, dancing and burying of the hatchet, it is a true party, showing the livelihood and fun excesses of the festivity that remind us what spring is all about and what it means to be alive.

This Festival of Colors is relatively new to the LA area with the festivities planned for a March 16th date at Excelsior High School in Norwalk (right on the corner of Alondra Blvd. and Pioneer Blvd.), just a hop, skip, and a jump away from our campus. In the spirit of openness, there have been a few rules that the organizers have laid out. This is good, clean fun for all involved, so leave the cigarettes, booze and possibly illegal substances at home.

Nobody wants a drunk tossing colored powder at them! Dancing, chanting, and

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crowd surfing are all encouraged, as well as meeting strangers with a hug and asking to color them. However, tossing colors into the eyes of people, moshing and climbing poles and fences are all frowned upon.

Save it for the next backyard show you go to! Overall, the rules on the website seem to attempt a noble task, creating a fun and wild event that is safe for all involved, people of all ages and comfort zones.

Be sure to check out the Festival of Colors. There is no better way to ring in the new season than with an exuberant celebration of life, color and energy that spring is sure to bring us all in our day to day life. And in the spirit of the Holi-days, though it may be a bit early, get ready to enjoy the California spring and appreciate the end to these cold, dreary, and rainy days we have become accustomed to.

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Entertainment

Union Weekly—28 January 2013

Boozy Reviewsy!

The rules for a drunk review are this: watch a piece of entertainment sober and then you review it under the influence of alcohol (legally). Sounds pretty simple, but the best drunk reviews are like a puzzle. They force the reader to rearrange and organize the writer’s booze-soaked subconcious ramblings into coherent thoughts. Plus, they’re absolutley silly. So sit back, relax, and say aaahhahahaha.

V/H/S I watched a movie recently called VHS, and let me tell you I was not impressed in the least. I know that all the cool kids are

TED Talks: Physics So I saw a TED conference once. It was great, I saw A guy talk about physics. And he was really irritating. Because he talked about the stuff about physics. Hr was talking about rockets and he wewads cool because he knew about rockets. I liked that he knwq about stuff that I didn’t because it was rad as fuck. He talked about the science of ecxsisting and he talkjked about kaane and h it was super rad because not evertyone talks about studf so deep and that was cool nno church in tahe while+ bonkors craay.

The stuff was cool and I saw fire and it was rad cray cray cray by the way and I learned about sceinece and now you know bitches.

127 Hours I had never known that 1367 hours was a really good movie. I thought that maybe it would be really boring because all it would be about was this guy that was trapped under a rock for areally long time. But as it turns out james franco really puts out with this moves, if you know what I meant.

James franco, as it appreas to mea, must have the best acting chops out of every actor in fucking holywoood, because he’s a fucking NY rad. Right? ? because I heard that there are really good cut scenes. James granco, I’m sorry. Someone inturrupeted me. That would be. A issue. Wes is so not in jamiaca. Really. That’s a thing, john is a little prud, who only eat strombolis. In any case, 127 hours is the best mobies of the year, but I ain’t never seen it. That’s a truth.

that that wasn’t enough to make me like this piece of shit. Nothing was even scary!

If you think for one second that some shitty

a cunt troll. VHS had the worst effects I’ve think so. There was a static monster, which was the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. Also this movie had the most meatheads that I’ve ever seen. There were so many frat assfaces

scared, VHS ain’t gonna cut it

Adventure Time oTeh thing about adventur tine is that you have to have a sense of childhood in order to enjoy ith cuz its about thar time of life. I irst fell in flove with the show whe I was ar the Rec center and I was on the treadlmill and ir was on. It was the episode where the ice king improsns a wife and force jake and finn to throw him a bachelor party. I thought to muslf wow this show is really funny and wird, Now im completel y addicyr to it.

Choose goose it one of my facvotie chara ter s , wait Rose Is playing Crazy in Love so I got s to danece, ok Im back.

New pargraph, the show Is all about this boy and is dog who is fighting villians and trying a be heroes. I think Pendlton Ward the creartor is a genius but I cant seem to get gim to do an yinterview. The best episode is when tree trunks is in the forest in the cave and she puts stickefrs on the flesh monster and its just so cute and that womean is from the south.

The voice acting on theat show is top nothch.

Deciphering these drunk reviews is half the fun

Looper I saw looper again – nobody want s me to name drop apparently so I won’t do that in this situation. So I will just retend that I saw looper alone. But in any case looper was fantastic . and if anyone wants to disagree with me then they’ll just have to eat shit, because ooper was so good. Joseph gordeon levitt whose name I can’t even spell right now was phenominal. And let me tell you that phenominal was a relaly hard word to spell.

So that means a lot. Paul dano was only in the movie fpr five minute.s. but he sotole the show. He was great. Why wasn’t he the mai character. Because I don’t give a shit babout what the fuck is his name. bruce willis. .who cares. He’s kind of hot. I think. ? uation mark?

It’s insane. That kid is fucking scary. Don’t ook at him. He’s gross. Don’t event thinkg that your expireince will be improved by looking at that satanic piece of shit. Child. Time travels movies people have a lot of trouble with, but you know. This one was alivght. I liked it. I didn’t’t have a problem. Wasn’t like that piece of shit. Inception that people liked. ET sucked.

Ps. Didn’t you know? Fuck ET. Looper was good. Rellay.. good.

First Five Minutes of E.T. Me and my boyfriend watched ET recently and let me tell you that that is the fucking scariest shit that I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember much of it because it was boring as shit, but I do remember et being a squatass motherfucker who only communicated with guttural sounds. It started off differently than I remember where ET just says “GAWEERSNSDJ” and shit like that, ust sounds like a fucking chimpanzee. But also the brother said stuff like “Shut the fuck up, penis breath” which was a weird thing for me to hear as a eleven year old girl because I didn’t even know what a penis looked like.

And also ET looks like the spawn of satan and I’m not even eagerrating. Rellly. And I don’t even know why he like Et because all he says is that he wants to phone home and I’m pretty sure they don’t have phones in space.

Really this review is about the first fve miutes of that stupid-ass movie. And really I’m too drunk to talk about anything else. I think John Villanuevawalked into the room just now. I bet that motheucker has seen Et. EVERYONE HAS. Cept me. ET IS SCARY, STAY AWAY.

Holes

Crazy in Love Music Video

Poncho told me to write about hoes. I hate holes. But I actually ilike siguourney weaver because I think shtat she actually loks like my mom. And that is is a comforting.

Also shia la bouef I don’t know how to spell his name definitely peaked at that moment.

Because let me tell you. Digging up them holes digging digging up them holes. They’re looking for a treasure? I don’t know they’re digging holes! Who fucking cares? They find a treasure. Also there’s a character named sweet feet/ ? that’s real. I’m not even looking at that screen. Sigourney weaver carries this mvies beaue she’s a fabulous actress. The movies Holes is great. There’s that romance between that black guy that syas I can fux that and that other woman and honestly that has brought tears to my eyes. That’s true.

Because he can fix that. He fixed the roof.

He fixed the school. He fixed her broken heart. That’s beautiful. Really. And that song played. Also shia la bouf.

Sar like ringo, 0oh m god this is beyonce when she first displayed her greatnes as a solo artict. Iknow its part two but I don’t rember tge furst one. To be honest I0 only kno like half the chorus, but its one of my favorit songs. Shes walkin doen the stret in a lil white tcchirt an no bra and i can see mosr of her noobies, she gone get arrshted. id be woried what my father wold say if I was walkong down the streets with my tiites just spleayed out for evryoen to see but ntot Bbdoncye.

Beyponce doent have to abiede by no laews.

My favorite part is whne Beonce starts creaming during the bridge. Now Jizzzy is all is all like rraping and he;s satign crazy and deranged, craxy and insaen, and then chincillas.The uh oh part is the part I wanna dance to most cuz it involves the mosr booty and yoy know I cnan pop my booty for days. Hows itpissoble for one woman to have some mush booty. Dmn now the songs over Iand I just wanna keep dancinfg.

Union Weekly—28 January 2013

ENTERTAINMENT

13

Gotta Dance

The Way of the Warrior I want everyone to know that The Way of the Warrior is my favorite movie of all time. People tend to look at me funny when I tell them it’s a samurai-western-love story.

last warriors in the other clan, including the “greatest swordsman of akl time ever”

snier citizen dance team that is organized

me. And she knows that I want to dance when I’m old. That’s all I want to do.

them as the Nets. So I only watche this

Its good for the soul. And that’s all a fact that someon;e should likstening to me

this one lady who was named fanny who really knew how to shake her tailfeather if you know what I meant, I realy hope that someone will come over here to this computer to make sure that I’m not passed

anymore I think I’m going to just pass out. soetongotn should just watchi this movie

something in him changes. He sheathd his

is in it as a coma relief. review and let everyone know that there is a little creepy man on the desktop of this computer. Holy carp that dude looks like he peers into my soul.

the only way they can win is to kill everyone in the other clan. Wang slays the thirteen

Some of the most awesome action ever, along with a kickass storyline, as wells a despite a slight…uncoventialnal twist onitt.

Italics mean pooticlal correctness. The

super fucking old. And it’s spectacular to

I really actually liked this move theu did good this waht they had.

Ways o imean Way of the Waerrior is a

access to that. It f not, I suggest that too.

to sleep now.

how to dance@ I thingk this chikc—she doens;t want her name mentioned—is the

Send your drunk reviews to entertainment@lbunion.com.

Drink and review responsibly.

Right on Queue Freaks and Geeks

Rosemary and Thyme

Portlandia

The X-Files

Nathan Cruz Entertainment Editor

Connor O’Brien Photo Editor

Nathan Cruz Entertainment Editor

Marco Beltran Senior Editor

Even though Freaks and Geeks only ran for one season (1999-2000), it has since become a cult classic and features the humble beginnings of actors such as Linda Cardellini, James Franco, Jason Segel, Seth Rogan, and producer Judd Apatow. Set in the early ’80s, Freaks and Geeks features a group of teenagers struggling through the trials and tribulations of high school. The show centers on Lindsay Weir (Cardellini), specifically her transition from an academic overachiever to a burnout, and her younger brother Sam (John Francis Delay), who, along with his tragically dweeby friends, tries his best to avoid being humiliated on a daily basis. Freaks and Geeks might take place in a pre-Internet and cell phone world but these characters still face the timeless problem of trying to find themselves and survive high school.

Laura Thyme is a gardening hobbyist and retired police officer and her partner, Rosemary Boxer, is a professional gardener with a P.H.D. in plants or something. These two stinkers find a way to run into trouble on each and every single gardening job they get. They always eat finger sandwiches and have tea on their gardening breaks.

Rosemary is the grumpy one and Thyme is the spunky one, but they’re both pretty snippy and snoopy. They solve crimes and catch killers and people call them lesbians a bunch of times. Not only is this great to watch on Netflix when nothing else is on, but every single episode is available on YouTube for all you cheapies! I watch this show with my mother. My house has one T.V. so we gotta share. Don’t think I’m making excuses, there is some part of my human person that actually enjoys this. You might too!

Portlandia is back again for a third season.

The first episode of the new season began with yet another dance sequence skit where Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein play twenty-something Millennials that have been forced to move back home after college and forced to carry the economic plight that our generation faces. How do they deal with that? By creating a dance sequence of course!

Portlandia is a satirical sketch comedy show set in the hippy-friendly, granola-crunchy, vegan-punk land in the Pacific Northwest area of the U.S. known as Portland, Oregon.

Season 2 of Portlandia is now available on Netflix instant view and the 11th episode season features hilarious skits such as: “Grover”, “The Dream of the 1890s” “Pickle That”, and more skits featuring the “Feminist Bookstore.” New episodes of Portlandia air Friday at 10pm on IFC.

When I was younger, I was scared of the theme to the X-files. It would play late at night and I would click past it because my mother called it the “X-files of shit,” she was extremely afraid of it, and because it was one of those shows that would cover scary subjects. Aliens, big foot, ghosts, the X-files gives you the opportunity to choose based on your interests. My mind changed when I finally got a taste of the fear I was holding on for so long. Even as an episodical show, each episode was engaging enough to drag you into arcs that change your perspective on what it’s like to be an FBI agent.

I totally regret holding off on it so long. Now it’s gotten to the point where I can remember each episode fondly, like a long lost cousin or a friend, and want to relieve that feeling of fear and general understanding of this whole concept, of known-knowns and known-unknowns. Just watch the first season. It’ll all become clearer.

14

LITERATURE

Union Weekly—28 January 2013

This Book May be Hobbit Forming A fanboy’s love letter to his favorite book Illustration by Nathan Moore Contributor

Wesley Verner Literature Editor

Listen up bibliophiles, because today’s review has been a long time in waiting.

It’s time for me to review my favorite book ever, and due to fortuitous timing I will speak for a little bit about the film version, which has recently been released into theaters. I am, of course, speaking of The Hobbit. Released in the wondrous year of 1937, I first laid eyes on this hallowed tale on my 8th birthday. It took me four months, but I read it in its entirety the following spring. I have since read it 15 times, in 2 languages. Let me tell you, Der Kleines Hobbit is a bitch to get through, even if you do speak German.

I have been hurt, dear readers, in the past by adaptations that I was excited for.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, The Time Machine, The Three Musketeers,

disappointed me on a depth so thorough that I was terrified of how The Hobbit would turn out. Even The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, epic as it was, was entirely different from the books. Let me say that my fears were entirely without basis.

The thoroughness with which the movie was true to Tolkien canon makes it apparent that Peter Jackson either is or hired a Tolkienerd. Very few things were left out, even fewer changed radically, and the scenes, characters and events that were added fit so well that Tolkien might have written them himself. Interpretations of minor characters that were originally written without much personality were subtle enough that they were still minor characters; yet it gave them enough flesh that they weren’t simply plot devices to

move the story along.

But enough about silly movies. This is the Literature page, goddammit! Let’s get some Literature up in this bitch.

The Hobbit is told in the style of a grandfatherly tale being relayed to children, with times where the fourth wall is suddenly broken. For example, at one point the narrative is paused to explain what a Hobbit is (for those of you who don’t know, they are small humanoid creatures with large hairy feet). The diction is very fairy tale-esque, yet it still manages to encompass the scope and severity of the Dwarves’ mission.

The main reason that The Hobbit has stood up all these years is the story is simple. Thirteen Dwarves and a Hobbit are venturing across the land to try to

reclaim their home. They face many obstacles, overcome through a mixture of bravery, cunning, and luck, and more than a little of the last.

Back to the movie. Surprisingly, the movie has taken this story and expanded it, bringing in multiple antagonists in the first part of the trilogy alone and, as I said before, they all fit. Actual characters that were merely mentioned in the book are given life and made relevant within the Tolkien Universe.

If you like fantasy, I recommend the book, and if you are looking for some fun fantasy I recommend the movie. This is fantasy at its height, and if you are into that you will enjoy yourself.

However, I do NOT recommend Der Kleines Hobbit. That shit is hard.

Prepare For a Whore-ible Future Bumped is a titillating tale of teenage techno-pregnancy

Camille Hove Assistant Editor

This dystopian parody epitomizes sarcastic human nature at it’s best. Set in 2035, everyone over the age of 18 is infertile. Therefore, all young girls are pimped out for their bodies by their parents and matched with ideal males to “bump.”

Want to practice carrying all that extra weight around? You can wear a fake belly in any size. And don’t worry, if you snag a hot contract, you’ll get your college paid for and maybe a VW Beetle.

This sex-ergized novel will have you

tripping over your neon Nikes as the snarky protagonist Melody reveals a giant secret: She has a twin sister. Gasp! And not only is she a look-a-like, she is utterly devoted to changing her twinsie into a God loving, Jesus licking, bible humping whore.

The plot continues with teens constantly plugging into their “Mi-net” by winking and blinking. It’s Facebook inside your head. You can also turn it off futuristic storyline tells of sisters Melody

and Harmony and how they fuck up each other’s lives. Harmony steals Melody’s catch of the century: Jon Doe, the most sought after male in the business. But what if this happens to be the best thing that’s ever happened to Melody? Maybe this future isn’t the one she had in mind.

McCafferty writes with just as much beautiful wit and sarcasm as she did in the amazing Jessica Darling series. Read this book if you’re smart. And if you enjoy getting paid for sex.

Union Weekly—28 January 2013

Unfortunate Piercing Locations

15

COMICS

Rose Feduk Comics Editor

Simon and Murfunkel

EASY

Connor O’Brien Photo Editor

Marcobservations

8 4 6 2 9 5 3 1 7

5 2 7 3 1 8 9 4 6

6 3 1 4 8 2 7 5 9

9 5 2 7 6 1 4 8 3

4 7 8 5 3 9 1 6 2

1 8 4 9 2 3 6 7 5

7 6 3 8 5 4 2 9 1

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HARD

3 1 9 6 4 7 5 2 8

6 4 7 8 5 1 9 3 2

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3 6 9 5 4 8 1 2 7

EASY

HARD

Marco Beltran Senior Editor

Volume 72 Issue 2

Monday, January 28, 2013

LBUNION.COM

DISCLAIMER: This page is satire. I’m still stuck in the Gameboy, but it’s kind of fun. I hooked up with that Merio fellow, but he never called me back.

Tomorrow someone set me up with a Pec Man. I sure hope he’s not as dumb in bed as his name is. I do campus. Email the Duchess at grunion@lbunion.com

URBAN LEGENDS SHAKE CSULB STUDENTS, CONFUSE We, at the Grunion Weekly Staff, have always been tickled by the existence of and creation of urban Yes,

by The Grunion legends. we have a staff, Staff cryogenically frozen so as to only make an appearance once or twice some real investigative journalism.

Kinda like the Austin Powers guy!

Shaggadelic guys!

It felt a little bit like they left us in for a little longer than usual so we’ve spent the last week being debriefed of The Tiny Monkey In the town where I grew up, we all feared the Tiny Monkey in the Shearling Coat. It was easy to mistake him for a human, because of the coat and everything, but that sonuvabitch was pure evil.

As legend has it, he once walked up to a man, gave him a coin, and then died. No one knew what it meant at the time, but it turns out that the man died of natural causes years later, around the same time he would have died if the monkey had never given him the coin.

was such a terrible president. 9/11 was the worst. Tsunamis, Chilean miners, Hurricanes, Earthquakes, Swine Flu? Does anyone still like wrestling?

Fuck. W-w-we, I don’t know. Please. your thoughts for such a long time is a weird thing. I, We, regret so many things. Oh well.

In the interest of being able to spend a few more hours for with our loved ones, we compiled a long list of urban legends that actually turned out to be true. Some are scary, some are weird, and some seem a bit too real to not be true. Try them out and prove us wrong.

The Tapeworm My sister’s told me this one. You of those big body mirrors. When the clock hits :33, stuff your mouth with as stare deeply into the mirror. Say “Tape Worm” three times. If you did it right.

A giant tapeworm will crawl from the into your butthole. The tapeworm will take over your body, hijacking your brain, and you’ll live the rest of your life as the sassiest horse to ever live under the sea.

Death While Learning My best friend told me this and he’s totally never lied ever in his life. He said that if you’re sitting in your class and your professor is teaching something really scary like something about taxes or like an anecdote about what life was like back before the internet, and you die, you automatically get an “A+” on crazy loophole that they kept from pioneer days of education. I’m pretty sure it applies to all schools, not just those with like prospector/pioneer mascots.

The animal ones, too.

The Union Weekly Staff Are the 1% The little known nerds of the Union are always hiding in the basement of the USU. These writers survive off of the secret to their success is that each receives an annual salary of $100,000.

How else do you think they print such a beautiful paper on a student income? It also funds their appetite for McDonald’s toys and Macs. Those late night Saturdays creating the paper the mistakes they print are on purpose.

They are paid to print mistakes.

Sewer Anteaters Real Okay dude, you know what’s the scariest thing about New York City? No, not Rudy Giuliani, it’s the epidemic of anteaters in their sewer system. See, a whole bunch of latte drinking, Prius once they reveal themselves to be the fearsome beasts that they are instead down the toilet, like a common turd.

In the sewer system, they prosper, build societies and plan their invasion

The Legend of Black Swan This movie is based loosely on true events that occurred. The zombie ballerina will take over Natalie Portman’s spirit and begin to prey on unsuspecting victims, like the innocent Mila Kunis. Mila is an angel, free from the form of her friend, Natalie.

This can only happen in New York City, when the moon is full, and a recital is underway. The audience can’t do anything except stare in disbelief. Is answer is reached, it is too late.

Inside

CLOONEY SIGNS ON FOR MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS SEQUEL

MEN WHO STARE AT SCROTES

ABRAMS ADDS SIGNATURE LENS FLARES AND EWOK SKIN COATS TO STAR WARS VII

STUDENT WINS SMOKING DEBATE BY CLAIMING HITLER BANNED SMOKING “I DON’T WANT TO BE HITLER” PAGE NEIN