When Things Get Dicey

When Things Get Dicey The Union’s First Foray into the World of Dungeons & Dragons

11 February 2013 Volume 72 Issue 4 The Students’ Newspaper www.LBUnion.com

Issue 72.04

Vincent Chavez, Editor-in-Chief editorinchief@lbunion.com Colleen Brown, Managing Editor colleen.union@gmail.com Gabe Ferreira, Managing Editor gabe.union@gmail.com Marco Beltran, Senior Editor marcob.union@gmail.com Michael Wood, Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com Brianne Schaer, News Director news@lbunion.com John Villanueva, Music Editor music@lbunion.com Connor O’Brien, Entertainment Editor entertainment@lbunion.com Wes Verner, Literature Editor literature@lbunion.com Colleen Brown, Culture Editor culture@lbunion.com Rose Feduk, Comics Editor comic@lbunion.com Duchess of Spain, Grunion Editor grunion@lbunion.com Gabe Ferreira, Art Director gabe.union@gmail.com Brian Mark, Art Director brianmark.union@gmail.com Connor O’Brien, Photo Editor connor.union@gmail.com Nichole Daniels, Illustration Editor nichole.union@gmail.com Leo Portugal, Web Manager web@lbunion.com Assitant Editors: Camile Hove, Ingrid Rosales, Tanya Paz, Tyre Jones Staffers/Contributors: Joseph Phillips, Jon Bolin, Kevin Ng, Sierra Patheal, Amy Patton, Rachel Clare, Wes Young, Mariha Lowe, Jordan Khajavipour, Roque Renteria, Alia Sabino, Robert Turner, Gabriel Moura, Irene Thaiss, Nathan Moore, Eddie Viramontes, James Delahoussaye, Tony Bozanic, Chris Fabela, Katie Healy, David Casarrubias, Nayeli Carrillo Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union weekly, not ASI or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff.

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Vincent Chavez Editor-in-Chief I made a conscious decision to improve my love life last year. I decided that as a modern gay, if I wanted to meet somebody I’d have to sign up for an online dating service. Choosing a dating site is like, well, it’s like choosing a life partner.

You have to put in the time and research.

Money also helps.

My research led me to an app called Grindr. Grindr, for the heterosexuals and clueless gays out there, is a geo-location based dating app for gay men. You create a profile with a photo and send and receive messages to and from potential life mates.

Inspite of its name, I didn’t know about Grindr’s reputation. You see, this app is known by many as being a hotspot for brokering male-on-male hook-ups. But at the time I rationalized, there must be a few guys earnestly seeking a meaningful relationship, right? Right? Oh, how I was mistaken. But that realization comes later.

Back to nervous me signing up for my first dating service/salvation from a lonely

life of soups for one. I filled out my profile, took a tasteful yet playful profile pic, and was generally psyched for the momentous decision I was about to make. “You’re young, you have a nice face, people are gonna love you,” I said to myself. All I had to do was click on the little flashing “Signup Today” button. But then a thought came to me, a cruel, bitchy, mean girl thought: maybe you should lose a few pounds though. Yeah, lose six pounds and then sign up. Once you drop those six pounds, my inner Regina George reasoned, you’ll have the confidence to talk to anybody.

Three weeks and six pounds later I was feeling fresh, frisky, and generally flawfree. I clicked the sign-up button without hesitation. I was living the dream.

But after 70 or so conversations, several weird hangout/dates, and a handful of uncomfortable semi-hookups, I am no closer to finding someone to eat pizza and watch movies with in my pajamas. Also, when a guy says they “just want to cuddle,”

it almost always means blowjob. They are literally saying, I just want to blowjob.

Needless to say, my year of grinding has taught me that dating is both hard and dumb. But our feature this week is a different kind of roleplaying, one with brighter possibilites. Our Literature Editor and resident dungeon master, Wes Verner, patiently guided us through the Union’s first game of Dungeons & Dragons. Wes also wrote the feature’s intro and it is one hell of a good read, so go check it out on page 7.

But back to the roleplaying. The experience of creating and inhabiting someone else’s skin was just the sort of escapism I needed this week. My avatar, Cabaret Monroe “Beyondcé” Bouillabaisse, doesn’t have strangers sending them dick pics, isn’t worried about seeming desperate, and she for damn sure don’t need no man to make her happy. She is one gnome sorceress/ drag queen that knows her worth. With her help, one day I hope to feel the same.

4

OPINIONS

Union Weekly—11 February 2013

It Only Takes One to Tango A guide to soothing your single heart on Valentine’s Day Nayeli Carrillo Contributor I may be the Grinch for saying this but Valentine’s Day means nothing to me. I feel absolutely nothing for it. The last time I looked forward to it was sixth grade because the only fun part of this holiday was handing out those cool Hello Kitty, Disney, and Toy Story Valentines in class. I’ll even confess to keeping the coolest one for myself and giving my friends the other copy. In fact, even when I had a boyfriend, this holiday became emotionally overwhelming and time consuming. It’s probably due to my laziness and inability to be affectionate. Not to mention if you really love this person, then you show them you love them every day, not just on one day. The only reason you should go big is if it’s your anniversary or you’re guilty or, quite simply you’ve got money to blow.

The reality is that Valentine’s Day is really Forever Alone Acknowledgment Day, at least for all those poor souls on CSULB Confessions and Romance pages. First of all there are many people you should show love and appreciation for in your life such as your friends and family, because they deal with you at your worst too. There is only one person who deserves love more than your partner, your family or your friends and they’re typically ignored. That person is you.

Yeah, I’m talking to you. Recently I have found that too many of my friends, including myself, are too busy trying to make everyone else happy or don’t have confidence. Seriously, the time you spend pining away on a stranger in your class is time you could be spending on finding yourself.

I know what I sound like, and we don’t like hearing it, but you’d get more satisfaction if you had spend 30 minutes taking a hike

instead of scrolling down the romance Facebook page just to see if your infatuation has finally been identified.

So, if you are single, your significant other is away, or just want to do something different this year, then why not make Valentine’s Day about “Self-Love Day”. Make it about discovering and pleasing yourself. Of course, if you’re stuck, here are some suggestions.

1. It’s All In the Outfit When you get up that day make sure whatever you pick out makes you absolutely feel like a sexy beast. Gentlemen throw on that cologne, a nice sweater or gel in your hair; ladies, throw on some lip gloss, dress or a tube top. Just make sure that when you look in the mirror and walk out of the house, you can say, “Yeah, I’d date me.” Trust me, it will boost your confidence by 10,000. As Kimora Lee Simmons says, “Dress as if you’re going to see your worst enemy.”

2. Devour I seriously think there needs to be a group called Food-aholics Anonymous, because I’d like to think I’m not alone when I say true love for me is the moment I put a slice of cheese in my mouth. It’s a very degenerative relationship. We all have our favorite food, whether it’s Panda Express, Krispie Kremes, or Starbucks, and we all die inside when we order a frappuccino. Well, on Valentine’s Day, eat, drink, and devour everything your heart desires without guilt tripping yourself. Don’t let anybody (except maybe your digestive system) tell you otherwise. An especially good idea is creating your own dessert. Go to the grocery store and pick out all the things you ever imagined on an ice cream sundae and just throw it on there, take a picture,

Illustration by Nichole Daniels Illustration Editor name it, and attack!

3. Mingle like a Pringle I saw this on MTV Made, but it’s completely brilliant and simple. Compliment the person next to you on something they are wearing or have, and see if that doesn’t help you get out of your shell a little bit by making conversation with a stranger. You’ll learn that people do talk to you, sometimes they’re just as shy as you. Furthermore, sit next to someone you haven’t sat next to before.

For later in the evening suggestions include the following: get your single girls and go get a manicure and your hair done, or go to the gym and work on getting sexier. Men, get your guys and hit up Dave and Busters, the gym, or play some hoops.

I mean, if you’re bold enough, ladies and gents hit up a club and challenge your group to hit on at least one person at the club, and the last one to do it has to pay for a round or two of drinks, it makes it more competitive and less intimidating.

4. Grateful Challenge Everyone with a smart phone is essentially

Gay and Conservative

David Casarrubias Contributor

Flamboyance not required Gays today are portrayed as being extremely liberal and in your face, however, this projection of America’s homosexuals leaves out a marginalized portion of the gay community; this group, which I will refer to as conservative homosexuals, are underrepresented in today’s media.

Conservative gays, unlike liberal gays, have different positions on how they express their sexuality. These positions often revolve around ideas of societal norms and societal acceptance. To a liberal gay, holding hands and kissing in public may be innocent gestures of love that they believe should be respected and embraced by everyone around them. To the conservative gay, however, the responses

and reactions of the people that surround them in public are valued and respected.

Knowing that holding hands in public will attract unwanted attention from bystanders would lead a conservative gay to avoid this behavior altogether. It is not so much an issue of being ashamed of their sexuality, but instead an acknowledgement that society needs time to catch up and be fully prepared to accept gays and homosexuality.

Many of these gays include people who are on the DL (otherwise known as the down low, or in the closet). However, not all of these conservative gays are closeted or on the DL. Conservative gays include out homosexuals who simply wish to keep displays of affection private. Personally, I

addicted to Instagram, so why not put it to good use? Feeling good about ourselves starts with appreciating who we are and what we have in our present lives, so I challenge you to take this Instragram challenge and see if it doesn’t help you feel better. The truth of the matter is that there is someone else out there worse off than you, so stop feeling sorry for yourself and be grateful for what you do have.

5. Take a leap Literally. An important element in attaining happiness with yourself and pulling you out of your comfort zone is doing something extreme, especially for those of you who have a bucket list. For example, if you are scared of heights, go to Disneyland and get on The Tower of Terror or Knott’s Berry Farm’s Supreme Scream, and if you really want to go extreme try something like Bungee Jumping or Sky Diving. Knocking out a fear or item of your bucket list will feel so rewarding, and the adrenaline rush will confirm it.

always picture my six nieces and nephews when I’m out on a date or in public with a guy. I see their little quizzical expressions in my head full of confusion and wonder.

This infantile thought process, in my opinion, will set up little children to have awkward and unwarranted conversations with their parents that they perhaps aren’t ready to have. That’s why it is my belief, and the conservative gays opinion that parents should ultimately decide when their children are mature enough to have “the talk” about homosexuality.

Liberal gays grimace at this idea. I once dated a guy who got up and left in the middle of a date after I explained to him why I did not like PDA. He charged me

with being backwards thinking and that the rationale behind my objection to PDA was the reason that the gay rights movement was not progressing. Unfortunately, he may very well have been right, but that was not enough to make me change my stance on the whole issue. At heart, I believe that homosexuals should have the same rights as every other citizen, paying taxes and fighting for this country; which includes the right to marriage. But, unlike the liberal mindset, I believe that gay acceptance needs to mature on it’s own in order to provide all citizens ample time to acclimate to our unique lifestyle and embrace the change on their own without having it forced down their throat.

Union Weekly—11 February 2013

OPINIONS

5

Anti-Hero A look into the manifesto of a cop killer In August of 2007, Officer Teresa Evens was alleged to have used excessive force upon a suspect while arresting them under the jurisdiction Los Angeles Police Department’s Harbor Division. Christopher Dorner reported the incident to LAPD’s Internal Affairs department. This was the beginning of a surprising turn of events that have resulted in several deaths, countless allegations of abuse, misconduct, corruption and racism within LAPD and near 24/7 news coverage of the events of the past few days. Today, we all can turn on the nightly news to hear the latest updates of Christopher Dorner, the Navy and LAPD veteran who has injured and killed several people all while bringing the credibility of LAPD into question.

Christopher Dorner, according to his own manifesto, released to the public and buzzing around the internet as of late, revealed the follow up to his rampage and the origin of his undying grudge against the LAPD. In his chilling manifesto, he reveals much of his career, starting from his service in the Navy and ending with his termination from LAPD. According to the manifesto, he held one of the highest security clearances in the nation while he served in the Navy, and

participated in counter terrorist work for much of his time there, including guarding oil platforms in Iraq. During this time, he achieved marksman status in both small arm and rifle firing. Shortly after returning to service in LAPD following his stint as an active duty service member, the aforementioned abuse incident occurred. At that point, Dorner proceeded to go through the proper channels in order to report the alleged abuse but after much time and many more headaches had passed, LAPD cleared the alleged abuser and fired Dorner for filing a false police report.

That’s when the story gets interesting.

That’s when according to his manifesto “the department retaliated toward me for reporting Evans for kicking Mr Christopher Gettler. The department stated that I had lied and made up the report that Evans had kicked the suspect”.

The moral ambiguity of this case is the most captivating element. Any long time Los Angeles resident, particularly those residing in poor neighborhoods can attest to stories and instances of LAPD’s racism, abuse and corruption.

However, Christopher Dorner has killed innocent people in his attempt to take revenge, detailing his hit list

Michael Wood Opinions Editor explicitly in his manifesto and vowing to wage war against not the people of Los Angeles, only the LAPD officers who he considers the greatest threat to the city.

His manifesto is rife with disgusting allegations including the casual racism of LAPD officers, contests to see which officer can present the goriest cell phone picture of crime victims that they have seen, the promotion of the officers involved in the Rodney King beating that started the 1992 Los Angeles riots and even a tale of an elderly landlady who was given an Indian burn that broke her skin by a police officer.

In this manifesto, sexism is also apparent, particularly when he refers to female members of the police force as “lesbians”. He spends several pages congratulating celebrities, politicians and media figures he finds pleasing (Included on this list are Ellen Degeneres, Governor Chris Cristie of New Jersey and Piers Morgan) and condemning figures he finds distasteful and vile (Included on this list are Fareed Zakaria, the Westboro Baptist Church and Cardinal Mahoney of the Los Angeles Catholic Church).

The entirety of this manifesto is to say the least surreal. It is a lesson in 21st century life. The whole story is still

Lost in La-La Land Why geography is more than just a GE requirement It’s time to face the facts: Americans, myself included, suck at geography.

Certainly, map whizzes exist—my high school history teacher once drew a toscale map of Germany on a restaurant placemat in order to prove a point, rivers and state boundaries included— but for the most part, Americans treat geography like Spanish verb conjugation, trigonometry, and quantum mechanics: count yourself lucky for that B and get out as fast as you can.

Never was this clearer to me than last week in science class. We were discussing the conflicts surrounding the oil industry (in the context of energy sources), and our professor put up an unlabeled map of the Middle East. “Okay,” he asked, “how many countries can you name?”

Between all of us, we found Saudi Arabia.

Kuwait, Yemen, Jordan, Qatar, Turkey, and even Iran, Iraq, and Afghanistan went unidentified. Sure, we knew they were there—but where, exactly?

That was a mystery none of us had ever truly attempted to solve, or at least, not recently enough to alleviate our professor’s

disgust. He was right to be appalled. The U.S. has had military forces in Afghanistan for over ten years, and yet twenty-five American twenty-somethings couldn’t find the country on a map.

This is tragic. I, personally, went out and bought a world map. It’s hanging on my dorm room wall right now. I’m making a post-New Year’s Resolution: look at it once and a while. I could use the practice, obviously.

The issue isn’t one of competence; every one of us is capable of basic geographic knowledge. We’re university students, for crying out loud. The problem is misplaced priorities. Geography doesn’t seem like a pressing issue with Google a finger-swipe away. Unfortunately, however, this gap in knowledge is country-specific. When I was studying in Germany last year, I was shocked by how attuned German students were to American geography, politics, and news. Not only could my roommates tell me what was going on with European debates concerning nuclear power plants in Italy; they also asked me my opinions on illegal immigration, healthcare, and welfare

assistance programs as though these were everyday topics I should have been wellversed in simply by virtue of living in a civilized society. They were right. My lack of connection to American news and politics is simply sad—and I’m not alone.

In 2010, the National Assessment of Educational Progress—the nation’s geography report card, in layman’s terms— found only 20% of American eighth graders to be proficient in geography.

Most of them were unable to explain the causes of earthquakes or describe the “American Southwest,” amongst other things. While the chance remains that our eighth graders unanimously decided to improve their geography scores in the last two years, I doubt it. Americans are failing at geography, and we don’t see the point in changing.

Maybe you think I’m not talking to you.

Maybe you’re secure in your knowledge of world geography, and you’re chuckling as you read this article, feeling a mixture of pity and disgust for your fellow-citizens’ lack of global awareness. Well, to that I ask you, what’s the capital of Idaho?

completely awe inspiring and dreamlike even after several days of police in military gear scouring the mountains of Big Bear, his supposed hiding place, gracing my television screen. The whole story is unique in that it presents no obvious hero and no obvious villain, but only shady, ambiguous people with their own goals and amoral ways of achieving them. Christopher Dorner is the modern day anti-hero. The truly frightening thing about this story is that the murderer is not clearly evil and the protectors have a completely tarnished reputation. There is no cackling villain and no knight in shining armor, just a whistle blowing murderer and corrupt and abusive officers of the peace.

Sierra Patheal Union Staffer Got that one? Great. How about the capital of Nigeria? And if I showed you a blank picture of the African continent, how many countries could you put on the map?

That’s what I thought.

This ignorance—my own included— is embarrassing. If you think I’m talking to you, I am. It’s time we all spent some time studying the map, because honestly, if we are purporting to be educated world citizens, it would help if we knew the world we live in. If we start by figuring out where we are, who knows? We might even determine where we want to go.

6

NEWS

Union Weekly—11 February 2013

Read This, You SOB! An update on all of the events that you won’t participate in this week.

But you should, dummy.

Brianne Schaer & Sierra Patheal News Director & Union Staffer State of the Beach is back full force this semester. For the third week in a row, this fine news page has the honor of containing a beautiful SOB article. Of all the things the Union news lacked last semester, SOB has got to top that list. Really now, how could this page call itself news if it doesn’t even give its readers a heads up as to what’s to come in the next week or so?

So get ready, dear reader, to see these stupid little columns more often. And yes, I know this week’s is not a column, but sometimes plans change when you rely on somewhat flaky writers. On that note, thank you to those who sent in notes to include events in SOB. I didn’t think that my humble proposition would amount to anything; so

I’m just going to go all out now and ask if any writers would like to contribute to news, shoot an email to news@lbunion.com. Now, on to the exciting upcoming events.

Cinemosaic Film Festival The fourth annual film festival kicks off on Tuesday, Feb. 11 in the USU Beach Auditorium. (That’s in the bottom floor of the USU, by the Union office). There will be three movies shown as a part of this festival, and they will be shown twice during their respective days, so there’s no excuse not to see them.

Now let’s put on our foreign film douche hats and hit the auditorium. Princess Mononoke, an animated Japanese film, will be shown on Tuesday. City of God from Brazil will be

featured on Wednesday, and the festival will conclude with the French romance Amelie on Thursday. I’m excited for this.

CLASC Mardi Gras Celebration The College of Liberal Arts Student Council will be holding its annual Spring Fair on Tuesday, Feb. 12 from 12-2 p.m. at the Speakers’ Platform in front of the Bookstore. The theme is Mardi Gras, Carnival, or Fasching, depending on which culture you’re looking at, but the essence is this: as much fun, games, and partying as possible before Lent rolls around. Clubs and organizations will have booths with give-aways and games; it’s going to be a blast. The German Club, for instance, will have a Karneval

mask-making station where you can decorate your own mask, guess German words and phrases, and win candies. When you show up in class wearing a feathered mask, munching on gummie bears, and telling everyone, “Guten Tag! Hast du einen Regenschirm?” we’ll know where you were. See you there!

First ISA Meeting Mix and mingle with some of the best internationally-minded students CSULB has to offer at the International Students Association’s first meeting of the semester. The meeting is on Tuesday, Feb. 12 at 3:15 p.m.

There will be pizza! The only question is where. Check the ISA Facebook to find out.

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MUSIC

Union Weekly—11 February 2013

And the Winners Are...

The best of our Valentine’s Day Songwriting Contest

Illustration by Rose Feduk Comics Editor

She Likes Me

Transparency

By Jack Wilkins

By Greg Krish

Oh the beautiful hair and the gorgeous eyes Are the perfect combination for mouthwaterin guys When her hair is flipped in their general direction It makes for almost an instant connection

Get called to the side of the room, Report my heart’s now safely entombed.

I gotta hunch that you want words, but substance’s out the window.

I feel your shadow over me Everything is just a memory The recollections in my mind Will never let me leave you behind

Been outside most of these nights, Hiding under sodium lights, Clockwatching, checking how long it takes to hear the word “no.”

Every strain that’s from my soul Make you perfect, make you whole Your name it lingers in my mouth Never leaving, never coming out

People say they change, But they never really do.

I think that you’ll find the same applies to you.

Your love is but a phantom

And against their thoughts And against their dreams Those looks aren’t for them But they’re for me!

Can someone please tell me How can it be that she would like me When she deserves someone more like Prince Charming And how could she want to hang out here With someone who can’t even seem to believe That she likes me Oh I feel so unworthy to be looked at by her When there are so many others that could be hers I try to contemplate how she could be mine But then it occurs to me That against their thoughts And against their dreams Those looks aren’t for them But they’re for me!

Can someone please tell me How can it be that she would like me When she deserves someone more like Prince Charming And how could she want to hang out here With someone who can’t even seem to believe That she likes me

I didn’t want to know.

I didn’t want to know.

I didn’t want to know, but you told me anyway.

Fear does this and fear runs that.

Transforms a man into a rat.

I didn’t say I wasn’t scared, but I still don’t like to show it.

Check the expiration date.

Not a lover or a mate.

But I’ve waited all too long, and now it’s too late to blow it.

People say they change, But they never really do.

I think that you’ll find the same applies to you.

I didn’t want to know.

I didn’t want to know.

I didn’t want to know, but you told me anyway.

Phantom Love

By Kids Without Instruments I’m being held for ransom But this is where we both belong If we could live forever Please say you’ll leave me never Don’t keep me waiting here alone Phantom love don’t leave me waiting here Phantom love don’t leave me waiting here my love.

It’s Only Midnight

By Rachel Rufrano Take my pocketbook, it’s full of matches Light one with your teeth and see if it catches We could take a walk to buy some cigarettes We could find out what seven dollars get I know it’s only midnight but I love you I know I may be drunk but I can’t go through With just one kiss or else I’d miss that too.

I will take this dance if you won’t laugh Pour me the last drink and I’ll give you half Who do you look for when you look at me? Give me your answer and I’ll know who to be.

I know it’s only one a.m. but I love you I know I may be drunk but I can’t go through with just one kiss or else I’d miss that too.

Take a look around the party’s ending You and I end up the last two standing Here’s one more cigarette for the road I’ll give you your jacket back I know it’s cold.

I know you may be gone but I love you...

Union Weekly—11 February 2013

Three Words

Sailor

By Dominic Mitrano

By Brandon Malone

She falls asleep on long drives She bites her nails and that’s alright She doesn’t mind that I had longer hair than most of her friends do But I think her friends do When it’s cold, we stay out late We talk all night underneath the city lights And when I’m right she tells me I’m wrong And she doesn’t think that I know Oh the things that I know She wants three words to describe the night And I said “baby three couldn’t do it right.

So here’s six, it was out of this world.”

And I thought to myself, well I’m in love with this girl.

She knows what I’m afraid of Like how I’m still kinda scared of the dark She knows I passed out when I got my first tattoo Some things I just can’t do

Distant Two

She’ll call before I go to sleep Just to make sure I found my way to bed She knows how I can get when I’ve had too much to drink But it’s not as bad as she thinks I swear!

And I’ll pack my bags tonight And we’ll tell this town goodbye Lets see how far my car can take us Who knows if tomorrow will even come So tonight lets have some fun Let’s not be scared to live in the moment If this is wrong then let it be Sometimes they’re wrong so why can’t we Make a decision that scares us half to death And then tomorrow we can see If this is where we want to be But I’ll have you so I’m sure it will be She wants three words to describe my life And I said “I’ll use six just one more time.

I’m quite sure you already know, but…

Without you, it wouldn’t be right.”

Sunny

And if I was a sailor would you be the wave?

And we’d be out here for hours And even a day (a day) And I’d sing a song for you And you’d calm the mood And you’d sing along with me Like you do (you do) And if I were an apple, Would you be the arrow?

Shot straight from the bow Deep into my soul (my soul) An if I were a coconut, Would you be the palm tree?

And I’d ask you to stay with me And hang with me and sit here and just sway with me cuz All we have is each other To call ourselves friends and lovers But now it’s time to go Cuz in this ocean, you’re just a wave And I’m just a sailor

Tonight I’ll stand here alone Remembering I was almost sure Until you told me to let you go

Cause lately when I see you, beauty like the sun, your love shines through, my heart calls your arms home, and you’re the one I can’t let go.

We’re at the show, I’m in the pit seeing you, Blur of people pushing passes right through The sight of your long, dark, raven hair Your eyes catch me in an unbroken stare

You’re the sunny side of my morning, the pick-me-up when I’m blue, Even though my heart starts wandering, it’s running straight back to you

Lonely-looking girl, you look down at your feet When you should be happy that you’re living free Lonely-looking girl, why you looking down?

I got something for you that will turn that frown

How could I let it get this bad?

To find myself drowning in these feelings I had How come they never said letting go would be the hardest part of it all?

How come they never said letting go would be the hardest part of it all?

Ooooooooooooooooooo Ooooooooooooooooooo Now it’s so cold And I can’t sleep And I’m barely breathing Now I didn’t mind that you took a step back To find your place to relax But darling, why’d you have to go so far?

Cause I knew that you’d forget about my heart Cause I knew that you’d forget about my heart

Couldn’t help falling hard for you like I was Alice, down the rabbit hole escort you to your palace, give you the throne, crown you queen of my heart, to a beauty so surreal like a post modern art, cause girl you got me stiff like a mannequin, you make my heart race like I’m Anakin, skywalk through the clouds on a level past nine, swayed in your direction jedi-tricks on my mind, doesn’t take an in-depth perception, for anyone to recognize your perfection, youre like a dream come true kinda like inception, and like a usb, we have that connection, similar tastes and a style that’s goofy, your smile alone was enough to lure me, swear on the heart that you stole it’s true, you over the world they got nothing on you.

And if I were a monster would you let me in?

So we could play hide and seek an even pretend (pretend) And of I were the moon, would you be the stars?

And brighten up my night, and light up the dark (the dark) And if I were and aero plane, would you be the wind?

That keeps me flying so high until the end (the end) And if I were a melody, would you be the remedy?

Would you take my words an set them free?

And sing my song all back to me cuz All we have is each other To call ourselves friends and lovers But now it’s time to go Cuz in this ocean, you’re just a wave And I’m just a sailor

By Nate Boner

By Isaac Lee

Cause I knew that you’d forget about my heart

11

Skank With Me

By Nina Lodico

Now I didn’t mind that you took a step back To find your place to relax But darling, why’d you have to go so far?

MUSIC

Come on pretty baby, won’t you skank with me?

It’s easier to learn if you move your feet Just kick them out and shuffle, gotta move to the beat ‘Cause dancing with you, baby, it would be my treat You’re over there, your fist is in the air Don’t wanna be bothered or pushed in there The pit is where I really want to be

Skanking with the pleasure of your company Gorgeous baby girl the pit is winding down Just look at me two-stepping, gliding ‘cross the ground Gorgeous baby girl, just do it now I’ll pull you in, we’ll skank, doesn’t matter how Come on pretty baby, won’t you skank with me?

It’s easier to learn if you move your feet Just kick them out and shuffle, gotta move to the beat ‘Cause dancing with you, baby, it would be my treat Gorgeous baby girl, glad you came around You got me grooving smoothly to that rocksteady sound Gorgeous baby girl, will you come home with me?

I want to be the man to give you everything

12

ENTERTAINMENT

Union Weekly—11 February 2013

No Movie, No Cry Weepy reviews of cinema’s tear-jerkers

Illustration by Brian Mark Art Director

The Room

Roque Renteria Contributor

The movie that makes me tear up no matter how many times I watch it is Tommy Wiseau’s magnum opus, The Room. If you haven’t already seen this movie, grab your friends, grab your significant other, anyone within a half a mile radius; this movie is life changing. Trying to explain this movie is like trying to explain Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason after ingesting a handful of psychedelic mushrooms. Believe me, I’ve tried. Just ask my former philosophy professors. Let’s just say this movie is unlike anything you’ve seen before.

This movie is easily the funniest thing I’ve ever witnessed and don’t forget, I am surrounded by a comedic genius every

waking moment. Me. The Room’s magic comes from its unintended hilarity.

Originally meant to be appreciated as a drama, the movie attracts hordes of “roomies” every month across art house theatres nationwide. These borderlinestalker fans (myself included) can recite every line with unparalleled timing, yell out off-color commentary, and throw spoons and footballs around like it’s no one’s business. No midnight movie has garnered this much infamy since The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The only difference is that The Rocky Horror Picture Show is watchable.

To conclude, Valentine’s Day is coming up: why not take your sweetheart

Revolutionary Road

Alia Sabino Contributor

Thing is, I’m a crier. I’m a highly emotional person and an onset of tears can be triggered by pretty much anything. So when I was trying to come up with a movie that made me cry, I was overwhelmed with choices. So instead, I chose to write about a film that not only got my lachrymal glands going, but also left me with a profound sense of sadness that I couldn’t shake off for days.

Revolutionary Road is an adaptation of the 1961 novel by Richard Yates, which follows the gradual death of a marriage in its most raw and upsetting form. You’d think that Kate Winslet and Leonardo Di Caprio’s comeback movie (after the phenomenon that was Titanic) would be another epic love story right? Wrong.

Instead, they come out with a movie that pretty much wounded my optimism for both love and life. It made me question

whether happiness truly does exist, or if it’s just a mirage we constantly try to fool ourselves with.

April and Frank both start off as young dreamers, falling in love not only with each other but also with their ideals and how they see the world. They’re both filled with invincible energy to chase after their dreams, and are determined to not be confined by the social norms of their times. But after marriage, a few kids, and Frank’s permanent position at the company where his father used to work, they end up stagnant and caught in the tedium of life in middle-class America.

April becomes restless and unsatisfied and convinces Frank that the only way for them to be happy is to make a drastic change- by moving to Paris. Frank agrees at first, but as the plan for Paris starts to fall out, the deadly, downward spiral begins.

to go see The Room? You can impress him or her with sarcastic comments. And who doesn’t like sarcastic comments?

It’s not like your date night idea is any better than mine. You were probably going to take your lover to Red Lobster or something like that, advising them to fill up on cheddar biscuits so they don’t order the most expensive thing on the menu. Don’t get me wrong, I love cheddar biscuits. But that shit is weak compared to the grandiose of The Room. If you are still unsure about the movie, here is my final selling point: it has nudity. I mean, not sexy nudity or even enjoyable nudity, more like vomit-inducing pale butt

cheeks. Not the most enticing part of the movie, but enticing nonetheless. So sit back, grab some popcorn, put your arm around your average-looking partner, and get ready to laugh and cry, but above all, experience the best cult movie since Blade Runner.

“You can laugh, you can cry or you can express yourself. Please just don’t hurt each other,” said Tommy Wiseau (actor, director, writer, and producer of The Room) On second thought, ignore most of what I just wrote. Watch Blade Runner instead. It’s all about Blade Runner. Blade Runner.

The premise reminds me of American Beauty (starring Kevin Spacey and directed

by Sam Mendes), which also tackles the false and empty idea of the American dream complete with its white picket fence and dog named Skip.

I think the gravest part about this movie is the fact that there is no redemption in the end. As an avid moviegoer, I know that movies usually end with some sort of redeeming factor. Whether good defeats evil, the protagonist saves the world, or the rebel from shop class kisses the popular girl and fist pumps the air in victory (‘80s reference, yes?), there’s usually something that lifts our spirits in the end.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a big fan of unrealistic happy endings. Because honestly, in real life shit happens and you don’t always get what you want. But goddamn. The ending of this movie was

so heart wrenching that it just left me distraught and inconsolable. I remember walking out of the movie theater, the gravity of the ending scene so palpable in the air, that the crowd just marched out in complete and utter silence. I remember feeling surprised as to how a movie could leave me so hollow inside.

So I’ll give you one piece of advice.

Revolutionary Road is not a suitable movie for date night (especially on Valentine’s Day) even if it does have Leonardo Di Caprio in it. But just in case you’re trying to find a subtle way to introduce a breakup, then watch away.

Union Weekly—11 February 2013

Strange Love

LITERATURE

13

Love poems for the unconventional couple

Wes Young Union Staffer The Rhyme of the Ancient Undertaker I Carry Your Heart With Me, And Mine is in Your Middle Drawer How beautiful a feeling that your love does bring upon waking from a night’s slumber and I stare into your eyes colored burnt umber.

Who would’ve knew that as I assembled you I’d have a new sexy mate, my dear Ikea Bedside Storage Crate.

I get shivers down my spine from caressing your mahogany.

And kissing you is nothing but divine.

I don’t even mind the splinters, hunny.

Although we haven’t figured out the sex thing I loyally follow you like a queen to your king.

One day we’ll have stools and chairs I bet and have ourselves a full set.

It’s lonely working graveyard night shifts.

No one to talk to but a bunch of stiffs.

So when I quite literally stumbled into your freshly dug bed, destiny graced me with my sleeping beauty.

We had graveyard picnics that were sweet, even though you started off as a tease.

It’s not so morbid to eat where souls rest in peace.

I don’t mind that your hands are cold or the maggots or the smell of mold.

Going to meet your parents, we knocked on their door and your dad dropped to the floor.

I’d die for you a thousand times a day but then neither of us would be a capable driver.

I’ll hold you ‘til time slips away and love you ‘til hell freezes over.

The Goat Not Taken All those who say a man’s best friend is dog hasn’t had a barnyard companion like my hog.

We quickly became lovers and still today that love endures.

Oh, the nights we used to roll in the slop and eat gruel from troughs piled to the top.

Now we eat turkey bacon while watching Charlotte’s Web. Who needs the farmer’s daughter, that slut.

I have his pig with the fat pink butt.

Good thing there’s no neighbors for miles so they’re not awoken by our oinks and squeals.

Stroking my Wood on a Snowy Evening (Outside your house)

Still I Rise (When I Look in the Mirror)

Watching you from the shadows, my love for you grows.

I wait for a moment more prime, so you don’t run like last time.

I’d really step in front of a bus for your pleasure, because to the happiness, the pain would not measure.

I see as I search through your trash before you wake, that you haven’t eaten the erotic cakes that I baked.

I love that pretend look of fear when you see me behind you in the mirror.

Sorry to hear about your ex’s murder.

And why do you keep changing your number?

Things will be better when we’re together forever.

Now I’ll try to say in so many words that which words can never come close to saying.

There’s a second meaning to singles’ awareness day, loving thyself is forgot by many.

I love that I’m compassionate, good looking, and witty.

Mentally, physically, and eternally I am consumed in my vanity.

You see asexuals don’t get lonely.

All I need is me.

Although it’s not so hard to cheat on myself.

Often Me & Myself becomes Me, Myself, & I. And when people tell me to go fuck myself, I usually do.

14

CULTURE

Union Weekly—11 February 2013

She Loves You...Not! Valentine’s Day fuck-ups, fumbles, and freak-outs Photo by Connor O’Brien Photo Editor

Amy Patton Union Staffer

Colleen Brown Culture Editor

Katie Healy Contributor

Chris Fabela Union Alum

It doesn’t get much more romantic than being dumped a week before Valentine’s Day. Love was in the air, the gift I had ordered weeks in advance had just come in the mail, and I was excitedly planning a fun, yet romantic evening for the two of us. It was going to be great. What I did not expect was a phone call late that night. He said he had been thinking for a while now that we should break up. Um, I’m sorry, what? Considering we’d been together for over a year and a half, you’d think this would not have caught me so off-guard. Nevertheless, a mere 6 days before V-day, I was being dumped over the phone.

So, last year for Valentine’s Day, rather than cooing over my now ex-boyfriend I thought I was head-over-heals in love with, I spent the afternoon helping my friend’s girlfriend set up a surprise picnic for her. It was all very wonderful, and my friend even teared up. I, being the sappy romantic I am, was a low-key mess. How sweet that their love could withstand so many ups and downs, and yet such a beautiful event had unraveled with my help. Well, good for them. I wasn’t bitter or anything. Of course not. Pfft, not me. I was just bent out of shape that I never got my indie-film awkward-yet-undeniably-sweetperfect day of love. But there is always this year, or perhaps the next. Holla at me boys!

Valentine’s Day has never been that important to me, because I’ve been single for all but one of them in my life. If anything, I’ve appreciated the holiday solely because it means I’ll get unexpected candy or baked goods as gifts from friends. But my sophomore year of high school, I decided to go out on a limb, and I attempted to woo my crush with cookies.

It was a ridiculous plan: Mark was in three of my classes, so I made him three different bags stuffed with various cookies.

The first bag said “Happy,” the second said “Valentine’s,” and the third said “Day, Mark!” Also, the bags were wrinkly, reused Christmas Ziplocs. Fuck, me. Who was I kidding? At least he was nice enough to laugh awkwardly each time I brought him yet another bag overflowing with fattening treats.

I even attempted to ask him to the Sadie Hawkins dance that day. I followed him after math class, and asked, “Hey, do you know when Sadie’s is?” He replied, “No.” I replied, “Ah.” I’m a heart breaker, I know.

Anyway, I found out that Mark had been secretly giving the cookies away to people all day, including my whore-ish friend that also had a crush on him at the time. I have not at all recovered from this event.

The first Valentine’s Day that I had a boyfriend was the worst. It was a longdistance relationship with my high school crush, and we tried to make the relationship work with him in Chicago and me in California. We were both broke, so I didn’t have high expectations, but I was excited to be able to have a cute phone conversation and not wear black for Single Awareness Day. The morning of Valentine’s Day, I woke up to a friend knocking on my dorm room door saying, “There’s a delivery guy for you outside.” I rushed outside of the International House to find a gentleman holding a clipboard and a single red rose.

The gift tag read, “To Katie, from Andy.”

Andy was my boyfriend’s twin brother.

At 5:30pm, there had still been no call from my boyfriend, so I called him. He didn’t answer. The chocolate fondue at the dining hall was my comfort while I sat next to my phone waiting for the only thing I wanted that day: a call from my boyfriend.

I called again at 9:30 and still no answer.

I finally got ahold of him the next morning and asked what happened the day before, and why he didn’t call once. His response? “I was working on the car with my dad.” There’s a reason he’s my ex-boyfriend.

Every year you will encounter two types of people: those with Valentine’s Day plans, and those who will tear out their hair and foam at the mere mention of this “Hallmark” holiday. It’s easily the most divisive holiday this side of Festivus. To the anti-Valentine’s camp, the day is supposedly the cause of many ills, including lining the pockets of the chocolate/holiday card/rose bouquet lobby.

But as much as they hate it, it still dominates their minds. I was once like them, and I was in good company. At the time, I had the brilliant plan to have a cynical sad-sack get together involving angry, recently single friends and alcohol. What’s more fun than angrily drinking? But what we hadn’t counted on was a Say Anything-style romantic gesture. Turns out some girl’s boyfriend had the bright idea to try and win her back on Valentine’s Day. Jesus, cliche much? You could practically hear everyone’s eyes rolling as the lovers embraced and assured each other that all was forgiven (Spoiler: It didn’t last). Our attempt at singles-awareness solidarity ended up an uncomfortable evening averting our gaze from the happy couple. To fight this behemoth on its sacred day is an exercise in futility. Let my lame-ass party serve as a cautionary tale: don’t party in spite of a holiday, just party every day.

Union Weekly—11 February 2013

Union Pal-entines

Cut out these silly valentines for your friends, your Nathan Moore Contributor

HARD

Tyre Jones Assistant Editor

EASY

Connor O’Brien Photo Editor

COMICS

15

Volume 72 Issue 4

Monday, February 11, 2013

LBUNION.COM

DISCLAIMER: This page is satire. I have been listening to the MIDI version of that hip new song about going to the thrift store. Such insight into the lives of the stupid and poor.

Fuck the poor! Let’s all live like we no long have lives to spare! I do not represent ASI nor the CSULB campus. Email the Duchess at grunion@lbunion.com

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY FROM THE DIGITAL DUCHESS

STUDENTS CAUGHT IN HELL STRUCTURE FOREVER, FOREVER

Because I am trapped inside my Gameboy, I haven’t been able to plan anything special for Valentine’s Day with my hubby. It’s quite a sad thing.

by Digital Duchess Unfortunately, I have discovered something terrible upon my last visit to the Mushroom Kingdom. According to my moogle friend Montblanc, who is charged as the wayfarer for those who travel between the pixel and real world, when I was transported into my Gameboy, I traded places with a mythical monster named Heartroga. For this, I apologize

Have you parked your car in the structure before? A new poll might change the way you park your car. More at eleven.

A recent

by Kenny Brockelstein study of student sconducted by CSULB Parking Enforcement, in association with the Morlocks from the HG Well’s Book The Time Machine, found that a surprising amount of students prefer driving around in circles for an hour as

greatly. I don’t know if this is accepted as form of forgiveness in the Americas, but in España the only way to gain a person’s forgiveness is to collect a weeks worth of your personal reserve of farts and inhale them like a fart buffet. It is equal parts humiliating and redemptive. I have no idea where this tradition started. It might be something that has been passed on since the days of the cavemen.

I guess since I am trapped inside the Gameboy you will have to settle for the have not yet achieved the appropriate level to unlock the digital fart special attack. If you see Taylor Lautner, tell him happy birthday from Duchie. He’ll know what you’re talking about.

For more on these strange and perplexing occurrences we join Dave Stormy live and on location. Dave?

Thanks, Chad. Ground up bones, feces smeared across the walls, guttural screaming.

We spent the day inside the parking structure near Walter Pyramid where a recent study found that there’s a surprising amount of students that prefer driving around for an hour looking for parking on the lowest level of the structure in hopes of shaving a minute off of their walking time. But in reality, this was only the tip of the iceberg.

We advise any parents, this report contains material that is unsuitable for a younger audience. If there are any young children

watching, please ask them to leave the room. bright faces and happy people. But after these faces spin around the structure a few times, it becomes terribly apparent that we’re not dealing with a parking structure from this dimension or this plane of existence.

The more we investigated the deeper we were swept into world of debauchery and a growing feeling of dread crawling slowly up and down one’s spine. These bones, these are the bones of an economics student.

Here’s a student now. Maybe he’ll be able to shed some light on this recent strain of evil inhabiting the campus. Excuse me. We’ve noticed that you’ve driven around this spot at least six times. Care to elaborate why?

“Duuh. Duuh.”

No. Please! Get away from me. Gwahh!

It seems we’re experiencing some you more information as the story develops. Join us for our live broadcast later tonight.

Inside

ASI TO OFFER CHEWBACC-RUBS FOR STRESSED STUDENTS DURING MIDTERMS AND FINALS

DICAPRIO AND JONAH HILL PREPARE FOR ANCIENT MATING RITUAL

LOCAL CAT HITS MID-LIFE CRISIS, CONTINUES LIFE AS MOP