Issue 72.08
Vincent Chavez, Editor-in-Chief editorinchief@lbunion.com Colleen Brown, Managing Editor colleen.union@gmail.com Gabe Ferreira, Managing Editor gabe.union@gmail.com Marco Beltran, Senior Editor marcob.union@gmail.com Michael Wood, Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com Brianne Schaer, News Director news@lbunion.com John Villanueva, Music Editor music@lbunion.com Connor O’Brien, Entertainment Editor entertainment@lbunion.com Wes Verner, Literature Editor literature@lbunion.com Colleen Brown, Culture Editor culture@lbunion.com
Vin’s Two Cents Letters to and from the Editor
Rose Feduk, Comics Editor comic@lbunion.com Duchess of Spain, Grunion Editor grunion@lbunion.com Gabe Ferreira, Art Director gabe.union@gmail.com Brian Mark, Art Director brianmark.union@gmail.com Connor O’Brien, Photo Editor connor.union@gmail.com Nichole Daniels, Illustration Editor nichole.union@gmail.com Leo Portugal, Web Manager web@lbunion.com Eric Garcia, Advertising Executive advertising@lbunion.com Assitant Editors: Camile Hove, Tyre Jones, Sierra Patheal, Katie Healy
Vincent Chavez Editor-in-Chief The saga continues. This week, I found the defaced photoset (pictured above) pinned to my desk with a steak knife. For those just tuning in, here’s the skinny. I fired my entire staff last week for insubordination and replaced them with cardboard cutouts of my favorite celebrities. Besides this malicious threat against my life, things have been going great with the paper. My cardboard staff and I have been getting along swimmingly. We’ve even received some well-deserved press coverage from NBC’s Rock Center with Brian Williams who profiled the Union last week. Don’t believe me? Check the screen cap pictured below. I apologize for
the image quality, but I was just so proud I couldn’t help snapping a photo of my TV, my 302-inch plasma TV. Yeah, I’m basically a hotshot millionaire now, or chamillionaire for short. Shout out to my homeboy, Danny. I couldn’t have done it without you. You my boy, my homeboy. So as you can see, the Union Weekly has only grown stronger with the recent changes in staff. The fat, as they say, has been trimmed. Yup, I don’t miss my old editors at all. I don’t miss their boisterous laughs, their chubby little faces, or the sound of the Red Hot Chili Peppers blasting from the office speakers. Nope, not one bit. Lately, most of my time has been
focused on this week’s feature. Before this week, my only “in” with the fetish community was an unhealthy relationship with Rihanna’s “S&M.” But after a spending some time with the owner of Pistons Bar, a leather/levi bar here in Long Beach, I have a clearer understanding of how the leather community operates and how much it has to offer. I for one think we could learn a lot about positive body image from how comfortable the bigger, more bearish leather dudes are with their bodies. Not to mention the freedom that comes from expressing sexuality in an alternative form. So for those curious, turn to page 7 for our guide to entering the leather lifestyle.
Staffers/Contributors: Joseph Phillips, Jon Bolin, Ben Novotny, Amy Patton, Rachel Clare, Wes Young, Molly Shannon, Christy Bonham, Roque Renteria, Alia Sabino, Irene Thaiss, Nathan Moore, Eddie Viramontes, Tony Bozanic, Chris Fabela, Matthew Vitalich, Abraham Alapisco, Greg Krish, Jalem Maboudi, Rebecca Pincolini, Alex Miklovic Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union weekly, not ASI or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures Questions? Comments? Queens? CA 90815. E-mail: info@lbunion.com
Proof that Brian Williams loves our newspaper
LBUnion.com
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OPINIONS
Union Weekly—11 March 2013
Lackluster Filibuster Rand Paul is all bark and no bite In the realm of political stunts, few are subject to more discussion and intrigue than the filibuster. There is a nearly romantic element to it. In its ideal form, one would imagine an idealistic senator in a congress gone mad, who has taken it upon himself to stop a bill that threatens the lives and/or liberties of Americans. The filibuster continues as the allies of the senator hold their ground and cross their fingers in hopes that eventually, the bill will be defeated. The senator at the podium is reading great American works and performing a superhuman feat of speech, remaining up there and talking without a break for hours and hours. Eventually, the horrid bill is defeated and the good guys cheer in celebration while the bad guys sigh in resignation. The senator giving the filibuster is applauded and respected as a king amongst men. Cue inspirational
music, roll credits. Unfortunately, the filibuster is not like that at all. More often than not, we are faced with a backwards fossil of a politician who refuses to accept a new progressive change or shameless political opportunists who want to use their filibuster to jumpstart their political career. The longest filibuster in American history was performed by the former, a man by the name of Strom Thurmond, a segregationist, racist and generally despicable person who stood for over 24 hours filibustering the Civil Rights Act of 1957. During his filibuster, he essentially pioneered the cooking show by reading out recipes for old-fashioned southern biscuits and pot stickers. An example of the latter case has shown up recently in the news. Rand Paul, a Tea Party favorite with a streak for libertarian politics, filibustered the confirmation
Michael Wood Opinions Editor hearing for the new head of the CIA, John Brennan. The filibuster was not without its merits, and that’s the part that infuriates me the most. Rand Paul talked at length about the US military drone program, criticizing the Obama administration’s abysmal record in regards to civil liberties and human rights. This is a completely valid criticism that usually goes unnoticed outside of left wing circles. I wish that I could embrace the discourse that Rand Paul wishes to bring up; however, his motives are not ideological at all. It’s obvious that as the Tea Party and libertarian politics seem to fade from their 15 minutes of fame and into the dustbin of history, Rand Paul is worried. As the Republican Party faces a leadership crisis and an even greater ideological crisis, as they wonder in what direction to take the party, their officials are scrambling to
ensure that they will remain relevant in the near future. Rand Paul’s filibuster was a political ploy more than anything, so that the junior senator can remain relevant within the party. The simple truth is, headlines get votes. The saddest thing about this though is that Rand Paul is exploiting a real issue and cheapening it for his personal gain. While the discussion on drones needs to happen, it must be a discussion that includes all major elements of both parties and decisionmakers in the Pentagon as well. We must have a discourse, not a filibuster. We must think about this issue, not just speak about it. The drone strikes are a travesty; however, there is no one more personally distasteful to me than one who exploits a tragedy for their personal gain.
Free Speech and Preachy Freaks How hateful preachers invigorate the 1st Amendment Wes Young Union Staffer For those of you who weren’t around upper campus Wednesday, you were lucky enough to miss the circus sideshow going on. Once a semester, our loving, easygoing student body is plagued by a group of people infamous among all college campuses. I wandered by that way for the same reason everyone else did. The babbling radical evangelicals are as good a form of entertainment as the cast of Jersey Shore, with little difference in nimrodery. The content of their sermons causes you to feel like a Dementor has been set upon you. The pure hatred their words express slowly eats away at your stomach until you feel sick. Luckily, I could escape long enough to go take a quiz. Later on, I was more than amazed not only to see the preacher couple still there, but that the audience had at least doubled. Despite the confidence of our guests it was obvious that students had banded together to attack from all sides. Some either cleverly heckled from the grassy stage’s blockade of bodies, or entered the gauntlet directly to dance with the devil. I could tell by their reaction, this is exactly what they wanted. The bigger the crowd, the more people their God’s message reaches. My first reaction to the whole thing was how pointless the
spectacle was. There really wasn’t a word said in the debate that was worth listening to. I’m pretty sure there’s no doubt in anyone’s mind these people are bat-shit crazy. And all we could do to try to pick away at their ridiculous arguments was respond with just as much as hate and anger as the fire and brimstone they put forth. The only people with a shred of sense would have to be the devout Christians trying to redeem their people by pleading that these misled missionaries use more loving methods to convert disbelievers. I felt completely like an observer at this point as it was an unwinnable fight. I was amazed by how immersed everyone else seemed to be. The two sides complemented each other so well it was almost like watching a play or a comedic duo. The preacher would set up the joke and the student would direct the punchline. It became so rhythmic it almost seemed both sides were enjoying it. The audience sat respectfully listening to both characters like they were sitting in front of a TV set. At first I couldn’t quite figure out why we allowed this to go on. At any minute someone could have drowned them out with music, talked over them, or shouted in
their face until they left. But that harmony helped me realize what was really going on. This was one of the most patriotic acts of freedom taking place in front of us. It was an act that is considered rare to many parts of the rest of the world. And to some degree both sides acknowledged that. There was a moment when someone sprayed a water gun at the speaker and even her staunchest enemies condemned the act. It was clear that even though they hated what the others said, they’d defend their right to say it. Surprisingly, we could unite in the fact that we are all Americans. One side chose to hide behind their first amendment right to group us all together as horny devils and fornicators. But that’s all right. And we expressed our freedom of speech by humiliating them as best we could, keeping them on their toes, and standing up for those who don’t have a voice. And it was beautiful. It’s pretty great a minority group has the freedom to say their religious beliefs without persecution. It’s also pretty great that gays and anyone else made to feel bad about themselves has a student body that will speak out against intolerance. However, if you can help it, next semester try to remember: Please don’t feed the animals.
Union Weekly—11 March 2013
OPINIONS
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The Degree Debacle Picking a major that really matters In my experience there are two trains of thought when it comes to picking a major in college: pick something you can build a good career out of, or follow your passion. I personally chose the latter. I do not expect to make big bucks as a journalist/writer. I’m okay with the prospect of living in a crappy apartment for the first several years after I graduate. I can handle a budgeted lifestyle and I know I will be happy, because I’ll be doing something with my life that means something to me. I think whether you are in it for the money or because it’s something that genuinely interests you, picking a career that is related to your choice major is important. That’s what you have been working towards for the past four (or more) years, right? It is so rewarding to see what you have learned in the classroom actually
in action in the real world. When my first article was published in the Union, I grabbed at least ten copies and showed it to everyone I know. Working successfully in your field of education proves that you’ve actually learned something and that all your hard work wasn’t for naught. In one of my journalism classes I am working on piece about a fashion merchandise major who is starting his own limited edition bracelet company. I couldn’t help but get excited for him. He is actually using what he learned in his classes to create something from scratch and he’s still in college. He is going to make something of himself because he pushed, fought, and succeeded in doing something he loves. My friend’s mom, on the flip side, got a business degree. She wanted to open her own greeting card chain. She ended up as a manager in some office though.
Amy Patton Union Staffer She chose the first job she could and stuck with it for the past 30-something years. She said she was scared, and she didn’t want to fail. I once asked her if she had the chance would she do it over? She told me she would in a heartbeat. This really resonated with me; I don’t want to end up regretting my decisions like that. The fear of failure shouldn’t hold you back from doing something you love. If you chose a major just for the money, then I still urge you to pick something in your field of study. That way you can see what you learned here at CSULB in action. In my journalism class, I was looking at where some of our journalism alumni are today, and so many of them were not in the journalism field. This is not a major you chose for the hell of it. It is one that takes work and dedication to the craft. So I really don’t get why anyone would spend such a large
chunk of his or her time and money just to flush it down the toilet. I get that times are hard and people will get whatever job they can, but I personally think that’s a cop out. Companies need someone to fill your dream job positions. So, why not you? It’s too hard? Bull. You just need to work harder, as if there is no other option. Because there really shouldn’t be any other option than your dream job. Don’t just choose the first pencilpushing desk job you can find and stick with it until you are middle-aged and unhappy. Be picky. Push yourself to stand out so that you can have your dream job. You chose your major for a reason, so use it to its fullest extent. Get internships, work your way up corporate chains, volunteer, whatever. Use that degree; it has weight in this world.
The Freedom to Fuck Up With personal freedom, comes personal responsibility Gabe Ferreira Art Director
Last week, in one of my capstone classes, our professor showed us the acclaimed documentary Fast Food Nation to complement what we’d been studying: mass culture and cultural change. I had seen Fast Food Nation before, but it’d been a really long time; and, judging by my reaction my perspective on the issues it pointed out have changed quite a bit. The class-long movie session ended with a homework question: “What are your thoughts about the film and the premise that America has become McDonaldized?” I realized that a more thought-out critique of what I’d seen would be better off somewhere else, like a campus newspaper. Then I realized I work for the Union Weekly. Fast Food Nation spotlights the obvious; aside from the alarming facts about the high consumption of junk food in this country, the documentary talks about what we already know but choose to pretend not to. However, that is not what intrigued me the
most. In one of the chapters, the McDonald’s lab rat that guides us through the story discusses an occasion in which two people sued the Golden Arches for “getting too fat.” The documentary didn’t technically defend their position, but it did go on to interview a lawyer that had many things to say in the favor of those who had suffered in the hands of McDonald’s. I am not a heartless person, and I do think it’s sad that obesity is becoming the norm, even at young ages, but the incident just mentioned is part of a problem in society much bigger than anything else Fast Food Nation had to say: We’ve come to blame every single one of our defects on an economic system we have defended, loved, and revered for the last few hundred years. Start asking your friends what they like the most about the United States, and you’ll most likely hear “freedom,” “freedom to choose,” “opportunity,” and “freedom” again. Why do I love America? Because of freedom too! People’s desire to prosper is also great, and an environment that supports and encourages both these things is good to have. Ray Croc is as good as an American success story gets, and McDonald’s glory was built around many of the American values we are taught to admire, helped by a culture of meritocracy and all the habits that follow (No time to sit down and eat! We need to work in order to get somewhere!). Then bad things happen: Children get obese, people have heart attacks at age 40, and we start looking for the cause of our disgrace.
“It’s those huge corporations!” No, folks, it’s us. There is one group that decides whether a company thrives or dies in capitalism: the consumers. We are the ones that choose who succeeds, and we are the ones behind their billion-dollar profits. The same scenario is true across the market spectrum. “Oh, those damn fashion labels, using skinny models and forcing us to believe that we have to be like them!” Or even worse, as brought up by one of my classmates: “Well, I started watching Say Yes To The Dress, and I now I really do feel like I need to have an expensive wedding gown.” Oh, aren’t we just helpless! But isn’t that what our society wants? Isn’t that what we like? The idea that you can start a company, market it to the public, and, if your idea and model are good enough, you will see prosperity? Shouldn’t it be up to the population to educate itself and decide what’s best for it? Isn’t that part of our beloved freedom of choice? We have options, and we get to pick one! It’s a great thing! Why do the standards have to change when the consequences of capitalism come to bite us in the ass? I brought this argument up to a good friend of mine, to which she promptly replied that no company should expect the population to be informed enough to make a good decision. I disagreed. To the extent of my knowledge, every adult is indeed able to understand that eating fast food every day will poison their health. A quick look around proves that looking like a Victoria’s Secret model is quite unrealistic, and it doesn’t seem
hard at all to understand that shiny Rolex watches are very far from being a necessity. Then I took a step back. Fast Food Nation talked about McDonald’s’ children-directed advertising strategy, which caused me to finally realize that no, not every human being can filter information properly. It is ultimately up to parents to educate their kids, but what if a kid doesn’t have parents that care enough? What if the parents aren’t around because of circumstances beyond their control? Should children be a victim of an economic system that preys on ignorance? Perhaps decision-makers at corporations should have the responsibility, or at least the decency, to say “Fuck it guys, let’s take a 20% cut in profit, make 8 billion dollars instead of 10, because we can’t rely on people to make good choices.” But that’s anti-American. That’s borderline communist. Limiting your success for the welfare of others? That’s not individualist enough. You don’t have to agree with anything I wrote. However, I hope this article communicates that, even though corporations do cross the line, things would be much different, and better, if we chose to become critical of the world around us. You’re in college, so understand that becoming an intelligent person, an asset to our society, is much more important than any piece of paper you receive for passing classes.
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NEWS
Union Weekly—11 March 2013
What’s what in the big league of news sources Brianne Schaer News Director
Brianna Schaer & Sierra Patheal Union SOBs There is never enough time in the week thanks to work, interning, Union shenanigans, class, and scraping whatever time is left for social interaction and sleep. I need my sleep. But before this turns into a therapy session (that’s set for Monday morning), I’ll just let you know that this week was probably hell for most of us. So as an expression of my lack of energy to write something original and campus-related, here’s a brief list of some of the stuff I’ve read about online. There’s information that’s educational and then there’s entertainment. Let’s bypass educational and see just how entertaining some of the big names in the news industry can be. NPR: We Like ‘Em Big And Juicy: How Our Table Grapes Got So Fat I couldn’t suppress my chuckles when I read this headline from NPR. What I don’t understand is why I find humor in comparing grapes to butts. I don’t want to think about a grape as a butt. Although
I’m a huge fan of both, they are two distinct, unrelatable parts of life. Huffington Post: Twitter User @Grawly Says He Has A Dildo Stuck Up His Butt, Livetweets Hospital Trip Scrolling down the Huffington Post Page and BOOM! Dude has a dildo that he cannot remove from his butt. It is a headline that is impossible to miss or ignore. It sounds like a bad time, but something that I really wanted to know more about. Apparently the batteries lasted several hours…but at least the tweets were really quite positive. Huffington Post: Sloth Gets Her Makeup Done Before The “Today” Show I thought this would be like some lengthy article on why a sloth would be getting salon treatment for a television show. In reality, it was just a picture, but one of those pictures where you think to yourself this can’t be real. There are two people applying makeup to a sloth, and I love it.
ABC News: “Barbie Man”: Florida Man Owns More Than 2,000 Dolls I guess whatever floats your boat, be it Barbies or Ferraris. Part of me wonders what the Barbie Man would be like to talk to at a party. Like one of those awkward conversations where the other person asks what you like to do, and your response is I like putting dolls on my walls. That’s ok though, most of us still have all the old Star Wars figures or whatnot, so maybe we all share something in common with this guy. NBC News: Fake bishop caught trying to sneak into Vatican cardinals meeting The picture in my mind when I read this headline was Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible wearing other peoples’ faces. But of course it wasn’t really like that, which made me feel dumb because that is a crazy scenario. In reality, it was a random dude who wanted to sneak into the secret meeting, but who wouldn’t want to do that?
ASI Election Fever Where your vote actually makes a difference Joseph Phillips Union Staffer Associated Students campaigning begins this week and things are about to get cray. In the short span of ten days, you will be bombarded with flyers, posters, and the occasional table full of the candidate’s friends. It’s the old high school “who has the most friends” contest, but with a Shyamalan twist…these people are going to be in charge of a multi-million dollar corporation, and will represent you to the rest of the academic community. The last year has witnessed an upswing in awareness of what ASI does, and student government seeks to increase voter turnout once more. In the 2012 election, there was a record set at 14.9% voter participation. This year, the goal is to set a new record
whatever that might be. For one, there are more candidates on each ballot, which makes reading the issues they are running for very important. Some people will come to the table with no experience or merely a desire to add something to their resume. On the other hand, there will be those who have great potential and ideas for how to lead the school. Those are the key people to keep in mind when accessing your email to vote, because you don’t want someone who is all talk and no reality. Associated Students, Inc. VicePresident Jonathon Bolin hopes for a good turnout in the ASI elections this year. “We are looking to break another
record for turnout in the 2013 election. The more students that vote, the more it legitimizes those who win.” This select group of men and women will determine the fate of the university and aspects of its budget and operations for a full year. The best advice to find out how much they really know what they are talking about is to attend the various candidate events from March 11th-22nd. The Candidate Meet and Greet will be taking place on March 19th at the Friendship Walk from 12-2pm. Voting itself will take place from the 22nd to the 27th of this month. If the candidates for President or Vice-President did not obtain over 50% of the vote, there will be a runoff after Spring Break. Go vote, go Beach!
The Anatomy of Hate: A Dialogueto Hope The Multicultural Center is hosting a documentary filmed by Mike Ramsdell, which explores what hate is and how to overcome it. Juxtaposing the ideology of white supremacists, anti-gay Christian Fundamentalists, Muslim extremists, Palestinian Intifada, Israeli soldiers and settlers, and US Forces in Iraq with interviews from experts in psychology, sociology, and neurology, Ramsdell explores what makes humans hate. The film is free and will screen at 6 p.m. on Thursday, March 14th in the USU Beach Auditorium. For more information, call the MCC at (562) 985-8150. Dirtbags Baseball Yes, the Union does care about sports. You may think we don’t due to the small amount of sports coverage we have. Well, I’m going to use this opportunity to shamelessly request somebody, anybody, to write the cool things going on with Long Beach State Athletics. Email news@ lbunion.com. I dare you. The next home game for the Dirtbags is a series against Wichita State at Blair Field from March 15th to March 17th. The team will play Friday at 6pm, Saturday at 2pm, and Sunday at 1pm. Cosmic Yin-Yang The College of Natural Sciences and Mathematics presents a Fellows Colloquium at The Chartroom at 6:30 p.m. on Thursday, March 14th. Assistant Professor Prashanth Jaikumar will speak on Cosmic Yin-Yang: The Bright and Dark Sides of Our Universe. This is sure to be a mind-opening lecture that may introduce you to stimulating topics to impress your friends with later. Spoken Word Performance Project OCEAN’s Spoken Word Performance will be held on Wednesday, March 19th from 6-8pm in the Nugget. CSULB students will be performing live, and there will be free food and admission. No RSVP is required, so drop by for what time you have! It’s sure to be an interesting night.
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ENTERTAINMENT Union Weekly—11 March 2013
Tit-illating Enter-taint-ment A collection of the sexiest, most fetishistic
[Editor’s Note: You all know what you like and what you don’t. For instance, I don’t like anything touching in and around my butthole. You might be into poopy-girls, and talking ‘bout yall’s booty juices. That’s what America is all about. I guess what I’m trying to say is that whatever you’re into, you should embrace that. Sexiness is in the eye of the butt-holder. I am going to embrace
my aversion to butt-touches by making sure nothing ever enters my butt forever. If you’re in to butt-touches and other sexy things, this page might be for you. Lucky for you, sitting right in front of you are some real steamy, fetishistic reviews! Warning: Make sure to cover your boners and lady-boners while you read this.]
Banderas can be cool. The protagonist is a musician with luscious locks whose body pumps pheromones to all women within a fifty-mile radius. The scent eventually reaches Salma Hayek, a the sexy bookstore owner with an appetite to save a drifter from himself. When the guns and explosions aren’t destroying the small town in the movie, the passion, romance, and accents take center stage as the characters’ feisty relationship blooms in the midst of the chaos that parallels the drive of a hero
with nothing to lose. This all comes together under the lead of director, Robert Rodriguez, who utilizes his signature “El Mariachi” style of filmmaking to create a sleek action movie by using film techniques such as quick cuts, whip pans, zooms, and crazy fast editing. As a result, the film is over the top and the characters have exaggerated personalities, but it keeps its sexuality intact all the way through.
Abraham Alapisco Contributor What do you get when you combine sexy names, accents, and quick cuts? You get Robert Rodriguez’s Desperado, a film that goes out of its way to be stylish and cool in every way possible. The film has the tried-and-true formula of tragic hero, sexy female companion, and a bad guy who smokes too much and never smiles. The music is a big part of what makes Desperado sexy because it gives it the electric amplitude that accompanies the action sequences where only Antonio
Union Weekly—11 March 2013
ENTERTAINMENT
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Molly Shannon Contributor American Horror Story is definitely one of the freakiest, most fetish-filled shows that is currently on television. The first season took place in a very old and mysterious house, in which the people that lived there would eventually be murdered in some gruesome way, and their spirits would haunt the next clueless residents. Among the ghostly dwellers was a halfblind, repulsive looking housekeeper, who happened to appear as a hot young red-head, only to the father in the current family living there. She wore a frilly little French maid outfit and constantly tried to seduce him with her eerie charm. Besides this, one of the most prominent fetishes in
the first season was a black rubber head-totoe bodysuit, the kind you would probably come across in some kind of hardcore S&M sex shop. The suit was donned by a weird teen boy (a ghost) and a gay couple (also ghosts). Despite this pair of weird fetishes, season two gets even freakier. The second season takes place in Briarcliff Manor, a mental asylum in the 1960s, and contains an array of unique characters. The hospital is run by the stern Sister Jude, a strict nun who rules the roost with a firm hand by day, and by night she dances around the room in the red negligee she always wears under her habit, dreaming of romancing the hospital monsignor. One of the nuns that
assists her, Sister Mary Eunice, is a sweet and innocent one, and is fantasized about by one of the mad scientist-doctors at the institution who is obsessed with her and her purity, until one incident in which she becomes possessed by the devil and begins terrorizing the whole hospital. Another recurring story in the second season is the legend of “Bloodyface,” a serial murderer who kills women and uses their flesh for eccentric purposes. His true identity is Dr. Oliver Thredson, a psychiatrist working at the institution who has some serious mommy issues. He was abandoned by his mother at a young age, and since then has been in search of the perfect woman to
take her place. He finally finds this woman in Lana, one of the patients at the hospital, and the weirdest shit goes down when he imprisons her in his basement. First, he tortures her by wearing a mask that is made up of the flesh of his victims, including her lover’s teeth (oh yeah… she’s a lesbian), and he “kisses” her while wearing it. She plays along with his sick “mommy” fantasy in an effort to make it out of his house alive, and ends up having to “breastfeed” him and is even raped by him. If you’re planning on watching this series despite all the spoilers I have revealed, don’t worry, she gets revenge.
it is very unlikely that a Blu-ray will hit video stores anytime soon. When you watch this movie, you feel like you are transported to a pornographic theater in the late ‘70s. This is not a good feeling. Especially if your mom walks into your room when Divine is onscreen performing incestuous fellatio. My mom now knocks twice before entering any room. I’m not sure of what else I can say about this movie, except that it has been a huge personal influence. Not the movie itself, but the intentions of the director. John Waters taught me that there are no limits in art. The only limits that exist are selfimposed ones.
Finally, I want you to google image search John Waters and honestly tell me he is not the classiest motherfucker you have ever seen. Irony, that’s what gives Pink Flamingos its magic. This movie proves that the conservative looking, well dressed and well groomed individuals are always the sickest, vilest, and most sexually inventive miscreants. So stay away from people with $15 haircuts and slacks from The Gap. And watch Pink Flamingos, preferably with a friend or loved one. But please, don’t eat any chocolate during the movie. Fair warning.
Roque Renteria Union Staffer When I was approached by the editors to write an article on fetish films, I was like: “Whoa, hold on. Who gave you access to my web history?” After they assured me that it was just the theme of this week’s issue and strangely had nothing to do with my obsessions or sexual curiosities, I was relieved and excited. And once their sixfigure check cleared, I went straight to work. Good reader, I have seen some disgusting things in my time. These things, like Megan Fox’s thumbs, have shaped or misshaped the sinfully perverse infidel you see today. However, I think I am forever indebted to John Waters and his 1976 midnight movie Pink Flamingos for transforming an angry young man into an
adorable yet deranged deviant. How do I begin describing this film? This film is the cinematic predecessor to “2 Girls 1 Cup.” It is the story of crosstown rivals (played by Divine [a drag queen] and Mink Stole) battling for the title of “The Filthiest Person Alive.” Earning this title is no easy task; it involves engaging in everything from incest, unsettling sexual acts with chickens, exposing your anus to a group of white trash weirdos, and lastly, climactic coprophagia. I’m not going to explain that last act, you look it up. This movie has the look of a really low-rate porno. It was shot on 16-mm back in ‘76 and its digital upscaling does little to improve the quality. And
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MUSIC
Union Weekly—11 March 2013
Illustration by Rose Feduk Comics Editor
The Man Who Sold the World Celebrating the eclectic career of David Bowie This Tuesday, musician/actor/all-around badass David Bowie will release his 24th studio album The Next Day. To commemorate the oeuvre of one of rock ‘n’ roll’s most celebrated and respected artists, I have compiled a list of my favorite Bowie moments. This list includes live performances, commercials, acting gigs, and anything else I can think of. The only criterion is the event or activity has to be captured on film. Once this stipulation is met, everything is fair game. Now that all the formalities are through, I hope you enjoy this list. And for those of you who don’t know who David Bowie is…what the hell is wrong with you? Were you raised in an orphanage or something? “Space Oddity” Music Video (1969): This video is a trip. Bowie’s stellar song was loosely based off of Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of Arthur C. Clarke’s 2001: A Space Odyssey and was Bowie’s first commercial success. This promotional video was aired in the United States to raise awareness for Bowie’s first international tour. It worked. This put Bowie in the spotlight. He became a rock demigod. Please keep in mind that this video came out years before MTV did. No one at this time could fathom the important role that the music video would play for future musicians. But then again, Bowie always was a trendsetter. Soul Train Performance (1975): For those of you unfamiliar with Soul Train, it was a musical variety show that mostly showcased emerging and some already successful African-American artists. The show ran from 1971-2006. In 1975, Bowie performed “Fame” and “Golden Years” on Soul Train. Why is this significant? He did this when the idea of “plastic soul” or “blue-eyed soul” (basically euphemisms for white musicians trying to cash in on the musical style of the time) was perceived as inauthentic. Bowie went on stage and did his thing. The audience loved it and later that year, Bowie’s songs topped the R&B charts. You want to know the coolest part? He lipsynched. And it wasn’t even a good lip-synch. It was possibly the worst lip-synching in the history of music performances. Well, second worst. Beyonce takes the crown for that one. The Man Who Fell To Earth (1976): Good reader, if you have read my previous articles (no one has) then you know I love
me some sci-fi. In this 1976 cult classic, Bowie plays an orange-haired alien who has just landed on earth. The alien is a pretty smart dude who has all these patents on cool inventions. He makes a lot of money in order to transport himself back home. I try to avoid spoilers, but in the movie we discover that David Bowie does not have a penis. He has weird Ken Doll genitalia. That, along with the soundtrack, makes the movie worthwhile. ’80s Pepsi Commercial: In this 1980s Pepsi commecial, David Bowie plays a mad (mad for more Pepsi) scientist working on some invention that creates a superwoman. The scientist inserts some photos into a scanner and unknowingly spills his Pepsi on his keyboard. The high fructose corn syrup causes the computer to malfunction and explode. Then, out of the pod exits Tina Turner. Luckily, “Modern Love” was playing in the background, so instead of killing him she joins him in a duet. It is scientifically proven that the only thing that can stop a Pepsi-blooded singing superwoman is the power of David Bowie’s music. (A few years ago, I tried the same experiment. However, instead of spilling Pepsi, I spilled Royal Crown Cola. The result was Nicki Minaj. Since that incident, I have never been able to forgive myself for the evil I have brought upon the world.) Labyrinth (1986): What do you get when you mix Bowie, Jim Henson’s puppets, and George Lucas’ money? You get one weird-ass ’80s musical. This movie has jams that make you want to “dance magic dance.” Bowie plays Jareth the Goblin King alongside a young (she was 16), yet beautiful Jennifer Connelly. For those unfamiliar with Jennifer Connelly, she was the pretty lady from Requiem For A Dream (2000). We all remember that final scene with the doubleended dildo. If you haven’t seen Requiem, watch it. Stoned, if possible. The whole movie is intense, especially the music. This movie will scar you for life. A single mention of this movie and I forget what I’m doing. Where was I? Oh yeah, watch Labyrinth. Stoned, if possible. As a matter fact, watch every item on this list stoned. Zoolander (2001): Zoolander is one of my guilty pleasures. I try to be a cinematic elitist but the truth is inescapable: sometimes I just like to laugh my ass off at dumb humor.
Bowie steals the show with what could be one of the greatest cameos ever. If you’re really eager, fast forward to the scene. Then after you watch it, rewind. Watch it again and rewind. Repeat this until you have completely memorized that clip. Do it! That’s an order! The Prestige (2006): I don’t know much about science. I mean, I’ve taken science classes, but my understanding of science goes so far as “fire is hot.” That’s it. However, The Prestige, directed by Christopher Nolan (The Batman trilogy and Memento), cast Bowie as madman genius and scientist (What is it with Bowie and mad scientists?) Nikola Tesla, which was my first exposure to the scientific genius. To this day I still
Roque Renteria Union Staffer
don’t know much about Tesla, except that he has a coil named after him and that David Bowie gave him one hell of a portrayal. And judging by the way the State of California is handling the public school system, I’m probably ahead of the curve. There you have it, my list of my favorite Bowie moments. Just a token of my respect for one of the greatest musicians to ever bless us with his presence. Here’s to another 24 albums from Ziggy Stardust, or The Great White Duke, or Halloween Jack, or whatever the fuck Bowie is calling himself nowadays. This guy has more names than Diddy. Like I said earlier, Bowie has always been a trendsetter.
Union Weekly—11 March 2013
Reporting for Booty
LITERATURE
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Becca, Reporting for Duty is a choose-your-own-adventure for mature adults and pervy teens
Sierra Patheal Assistant Editor The Choose-Your-Own-Adventure novel of the ‘80s and ‘90s lives on—as erotica. The genre is still small, with mostly self-published titles competing with a couple of novels from Penguin and HarperCollins, but eBook versions of adult-themed, CYOA-style branching novels and novellas are beginning to appear on Amazon, turning the reading of light erotica into an interactive experience. Notice I’m saying “light”; I’ve yet to discover any truly hardcore ChooseYour-Own-Erotic-Adventure novels, where the choices are “Keep sucking her fingers” or “Bite her pinky off.” Those are probably a little too explicit for Amazon, making it a good place for an introduction to the genre. On that note, I’d like to show you one of my favorite CYOEA books so far: Becca, Reporting for Duty by Mima. With easy-touse hyperlinks to jump between choices, solid prose and plotting, and serious consequences for mistakes, the novel is everything an interactive erotic novel should be. The story is nominally Science Fiction (although as with most Romance and Erotica, the secondary genre is more a setting than a plot piece), and it starts out simply, with junior systems engineer Becca Sharpin being ferried up to the spaceship
Cider Pot for an internship. Once Becca is at the Captain’s office though, then you as the reader have to make a choice: does Becca accept the unexpected promotion to Cargo Overseer the Captain offers her, or does she demand the internship she was promised? The rest of her—and your— time on the Cider Pot will be determined by the choice you make here. Depending on which choices you make, Becca might sleep with the Captain; she might enjoy cunnilingus with the Senior Chief Engineer; she might save her one true love; she might kill said one true love; or she might even decide to start a relationship with one of the aliens working in the ship’s kitchen. This is one of only a few novels I’ve seen where the protagonist can plausibly have relationships with every moderately attractive man she meets and not end up seeming like a whore (except in one scenario, where she embraces her whoredom and decides to give up engineering in favor of becoming a courtesan). The plot is like a puzzle to solve, and as Mima admits in the author’s note, half the fun is seeing what pain and misfortune awaits. If you like books with carefully structured plots, well developed themes, and morals to take away, CYO(E)A
books might not be for you. If you’re interested in exploring the consequences of your choices, though, and if you believe Happily Ever After is a possibility provided you make the right choices, Becca, Reporting for Duty is a book you might want to explore. It’s also a nice read if you remember the old R.A. Montgomery Choose-Your-Own-Adventure books nostalgically and want a trip down Memory Lane—although I must admit that I don’t remember the abominable snowman exploring the wonders of anal sex. Mima’s books are a bit more grownup than Montgomery’s (and, by extension, a bit more fun).
every sound. It lets me know that they’re still working at it—that they haven’t found that special spot yet. It lets me know that they care. I have rats in my walls and they want me dead. They tell me so. Sometimes I go to Home Depot and wander the pest control aisle and wonder what it would be like to burn to death in the middle of the night—me lying there wide awake eyes open and the walls burning from the inside-out on all sides heating my apartment like an oven until my meat is cooked through. I wonder if the rats would eat me. I wonder if I would taste good. Then I buy some nails and some fertilizer and I go home and put my hand to the surface of every wall and each one still feels cool. No fire. I lie in my bed with my eyes wide open and
one ear pressed against the cold, orangepeel surface of the barrier and listen to that song, that sweet lullaby. They tell me they want me dead. They tell me that it’s only a matter of time. Every Monday I go the post office to mail a package. This last Monday, the clerk said, “How are you doing today, Mr. Kincy?” I began laughing. I laughed because I could still hear the rats even though I wasn’t in my apartment. I laughed because for the first time the rats were inside my head and I couldn’t get away from them.
Alex Miklovic Union Staffer I have rats in my walls. I can hear them gnawing at the wires behind my bathroom mirror. Sometimes the rats are my friends. I stand in my bathroom and listen to them chewing at the wires. The repetitive gnawing is soothing, almost like rain, and I imagine myself falling asleep to it on the bathroom floor. But most of the time, the rats want me dead, and they try to burn me alive one stripped wire at a time. I try to stay out of my apartment as much as I can. I go to the mall. I go to the grocery store. I go to the park. The rats wait. There’s no rush. I’ll come back at night to lie in my bed as I always do. I’ll come back to lie in my bed with my eyes open, or staring at the backs of my eyelids, and listen to them. I like listening to them. I want to hear
To escape the rats, and/or for the complete story, go to www.lbunion.com/literature
14
CULTURE
Union Weekly—11 March 2013
Treatise on the Nature and Scope of Human Potential A student’s philosophical declarations on life, fate, and the human experience
John Villanueva Music Editor
I’m sure all of you reading this out there can claim a sense of weariness when confronted by posts of some sort of divinely inspired declarations. Any sort of declarative regarding the nature or state of human existence or purpose can and usually is decried in a deluge of righteous mockery and condemnation, and rightfully so. Let us, however, not consider such hasty conclusions in the case of this piece. For the intent of this piece is not to divulge knowledge of any sort, but to allow readers a special insight from which to form their own opinions. The opinions to be formed from reading this piece and other pieces of the same ilk are important ones, because they, as in the case of Camus, Sartre, and Schopenhauer, is regarding the validity of the human condition, and the right steps to take in accordance with the human condition to strengthen not only mind but will. As conscious, as well as conscientious, creatures, we are engaged daily by the relentless hounding of the nature of our being, and the stature humanity has been deemed amongst the stars and constellations. The realization that we are absolutely nothing, less than an afterthought amongst the vast collectives of matter that make up our known universe. Humanity, like it or not, is composed solely of individual congregations of cells, frightened forms of flesh thrown into a dangerous world without a flicker of a clue as to what in the hell is going on, and so far we have done a half-assed job of forming an explanation for ourselves. Our most popular outlet, religion, is nothing more than a cesspool of self-induced misery and weakness. So what do we have in its place? What do we have to get us through our day, knowing at the end of it stands a giant void, where all of our dreams and accomplishments will eventually end up as ultimately worthless? Potential, that’s what. The pure, unbridled essence of
human will and creativity. That is what you have to show the world, that is what you must use. You must travel knowingly into the void, encased in the light of your own joys and passions. This is your big fuck you to existence, an existence that has given you no other option than to fight for your very being. You must fight, and with that fight, you will be witness to your very own individual meaning. You must embrace the very exciting and very frightening freedom that is being, no more pussyfooting, no more hesitation. You have the power to form your own existence, and you have no excuses. You must take part in the formation of your own reality. On the desire for meaning and Humanism I state here, knowing that many other may hold a different opinion, that our happiness and meaning come from the constant pursuit of said happiness and meaning. The purpose of existence is by no means an end goal, but in fact a compilation of our garnered knowledge, our happiness and our struggles. Every component of our lives has a significance from which we grow and develop as individuals. On the basis of this statement, I stake the claim that every living moment must be spent in the pursuit of earthly fulfillment, whether from material possessions, knowledge, or states of contentment. I am very much a humanist, and this is something that I display proudly. We have no other source of fulfillment, so it is up to us to forge our own meaning and ultimately our destinies. We must pursue this with all the energy we can muster, and we must make this an imperative, for it holds the key to the nature of our discontent. On development of potential You can start by the admittance of your own individual nature. You must not let others shape your reality; you must take a very active role in shaping
your character, your will, and your desires. This in turn well help to define your potential. I highly suggest taking part in the arts. Whether writing, music, art, or even the culinary field, artistic expression is the truest expression of self. By creating, you come closest to what is the essence of being. You must also take every step in the development of your self. Do not let others or fads define your style or your thoughts. Be the only guide you need within your life. Whether personal style, artistic preference, or aspiration, the formation of your own personal opinion is the hallmark from which you are allowed to judge upon and take part in the known world. Most important, be confident. Be sure of who you are and what you want and how you are to get it. Yet do not misconstrue confidence for cockiness, for by partaking in cockiness you are hindering another’s potential. We as individuals must all be allowed to express ourselves and our potential in our own ways and in our own time. Be confident in your abilities, but allow others the same grace. On religion and the failings of humility I can find nothing more wicked than the commercialization of failure and weakness exuded by the likes of the organized religions. Nothing can be seen as more of a hindrance to the collective human will than the pathetic posturing of the pulpit, which claims weakness as strength and misery as salvation. Having grown up Catholic and attended Catholic school, I can attest to the vile nature of the institution, which can be applied to all of its other wretched incarnations. The basis of all of these institutions, which is what they stake their entire claim on and which they blind you into seeing, is the life denying notion that you are nothing more than an example of selfgratification for some shitty absent father figure. Why live life, they say, when you can live one slightly less desirable in a
state of constant adulation towards said shitty absent father? No, they want you to suffer, to suffer for their perceived notion of happiness, which is nothing more than an institutionalized slave mentality. “Suffer, be proud of your chains!” This is no way to live, in a self-induced pity waiting for an end that will not come. Do not allow yourself to become a slave to “humility”. Meet such occasions with indignation, accept your suffering, but fight to make a change within it, not to wallow as the religious would have you. On Fate There is suffering; that is a given. We are greeted by life with the notion of our own worthless nature, coupled with the very real and miserable reality of our day to day. Yet we must stand up to fate, we must come to the realization that the world and existence can go fuck itself. We are the masters of our reality, and we must figure out that the paralyzing freedom we have been given is exactly that: freedom. We must harness our potentials and pursue the destruction of our limitations. We are nothing, which allows us to do and create absolutely anything. I say throw off the shackles of humility in favor of the perfection that we can obtain as a species and as individuals.
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Contributor
The Decline of Party Kat Contributor
Party Kat Gets It On Contributor
Party Kat Lays It Down Union Weekly—11 March 2013
COMICS
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Volume 72 Issue 8
Monday, March 11, 2013
LBUNION.COM
DISCLAIMER: over, bailamos. Sorry. Wild Wild West es mi favorita movie. I upgraded to Nintendo 64 this week. My husband decided to play Yoshi’s Story, and no that is not a euphemism for my sexuality. Do you think it is possible to have el sexo if my husband sticks his pene into the memory card slot? I am getting very desperate for “D” and this is the only contact we have. This page is satire and I do not represent ASI responses grunion@lbunion.com.
NOSTRADAMUS REFLECTS ON RECENT POPE AND LIFE SPOILERS
HEY GURR BY JAEGER I received one email this week in response to my article last week which proved to all the haters that there is interest in my words and all my
by Jaeger ??????
up for my Facebook page to listen to some of my sick remixes). This week, we’ll be focusing on what to do once you meet that chick that makes your dick go drip-drip, as well as places to scan for some ladies. Warning: You must be prepared to call your mom to mop up all that lady jizz from your dorm. Tell her you had a terrible case of white, gloopy enchilada diarrhea. On this campus there are prime places to meet some peachy keen freaks. A master can’t reveal all his secrets, so here are just a few places: 1. Outside the bathroom. Just act like you’re crying because you got a DUI driving to a midterm for a class you took last semester. She’ll be like, “Oh, what?” and then you go, “Finally,” like that guy from the last Twilight movie. She’ll be taken aback by your sensitivity and the fact that you took the time watch it. Even though you only watched it to masturbate to Taylor Lautner’s strong brow and cheekbones. obvious one, but you gotta go about it in a less obvious way. You can’t be spitting game that’s like four years old. Spill some
water on your pants so that it looks like you pissed your pants, but when a lady walks up just tell her that this nerd-faced goblin got mad at you because you erased his name off his home work and added yours and got a better grade on it, so he threw his chunky pee at you. She’ll cry or something feminine like that and say that the same thing happened to her last semester. You’ll kiss and she’ll let you suck the semen out of your own penis and spit it onto her face. 3. Getting Shredded at the Rec Center. When you’re running on the track in the Rec Center, wrap a Rec Center towel around two tennis balls and shove ‘em in your shorts to make it look like you have Ladies love big balls. Wink and whisper, “Checketh out mine balls, muh-lady.” 4. Robeks. Wait for the cashier to become a lady. Go to the female working on register at Robeks and say, “Hey poopy-girl, tell me ‘bout ‘cho booty juice.” Pause for her number and instant naked genital sex. 5. The Pool in the USU. I like to get one of those foam noodles and tell girls that it’s the same size as my dick. Don’t do it when there’s kids around though. On second thought, you should. Kids have moms. 99% of mom are MILFs I’d like to fuck. They until their puss scrunches up like a raisin. Raisins are the primary diet for the schlongs since, ya know, they’re nature’s candy. Hopefully this brings you only one step closer until you’re swimming in a pool of that pooty-tang juice. -DJ Jaeger Jay
The problem with predicting something 500 years in advance is that you have to wait much too long before you can rub it in people’s faces. I know I caught a pretty bad by The rep with that failed Nostradamus 2012 Doomsday prediction stuff. Trust me, that’s the last time I listen to my “Mayan” friend Gary about anything. I just found out last week that he isn’t even Mayan, he just visited some temples on a family trip one year and decided to appropriate the culture from himself like some crazy college student trying to change surprised. I saw it coming clear as a crystal ball. That was Quatrain 10/12 for those of you that skipped that best seller. I’ve got to say though, that whole gay sex scandal thing was kind of a shocker. Even I didn’t see that day, Popes focused on burning people at the stake for correctly guessing what was for dinner, and our kids were safer for it. It’s not like I wanted him to resign though. That’s a pretty comfy lifestyle to have to give up. He has to give up cruising for nuns in his Pope-mobile. No more going to the bathroom, “forgetting” to wash your hands, and making people kiss your ring. I’m guessing, I mean predicting, that he has to give up that enormous hat. It’s not like they let just anyone wear that out.
I feel like he didn’t think this one through enough. Do you think there are take-backs? Or, like, he’s going to yell “Super psyche” right before they choose a new Pope, and everyone is going to be like, “Ha ha, Pope. My recent accuracy probably leads you to wonder what I foresee next. I haven’t felt this much pressure since I suggest that Lady Gaga should change the lyrics to her song from “Puppy-face” to “Poker Face.” Okay. I can do this. Future. Future. Future. Come on, Strammy. You can do this. Ah! Well, I see 8-track tapes making a big comeback. That whole “retro is cool” is going to appropriate them and people to listen to music while being extremely obnoxious about stuff you listen to. That sounds about right. Okay. Um. Also! Charles Manson will that there was a space pirate that traveled through time to commit the murders and Manson was so wigged out on acid he convinced himself he committed the murders. He’ll go on to have a successful comedy career. Thirdly, thirdly will become a word. Kidding. That’s a little future-seer humor. I’m trying to lighten the mood after blowing your mind with these amazing predictions. Um ma ma ma. Yes. I see it. The US government spends billions to bailout Twinkies and Girls Gone Wild. Pick up the Death of a Pope sequel: Quatrain 4/14. Spoiler alert, don’t get too used to this next guy. LOL!
Inside
JUSTIN BIEBER HOSPITALIZED AFTER PUBIC HAIR TRANSPLANT GOES AWRY, LEFT SLIPPERY AND SQUAT-ASSED
GEORGE W. BUSH: THE NEXT VAN GOGH OR THE NEXT HITLER?
GRUMPY CAT DEAL WITH FRISKIES PROVES MONEY DOESN’T BUY HAPPINESS