Issue 72.10 —Colleen Brown, Mayor of Brown Town
Vincent Chavez, Editor-in-Chief editorinchief@lbunion.com Colleen Brown, Managing Editor colleen.union@gmail.com Gabe Ferreira, Managing Editor gabe.union@gmail.com Marco Beltran, Senior Editor marcob.union@gmail.com Michael Wood, Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com Brianne Schaer, News Director news@lbunion.com John Villanueva, Music Editor music@lbunion.com entertainment@lbunion.com Wes Verner, Literature Editor literature@lbunion.com Colleen Brown, Culture Editor culture@lbunion.com comic@lbunion.com Duchess of Spain, Grunion Editor grunion@lbunion.com Gabe Ferreira, Art Director gabe.union@gmail.com Brian Mark, Art Director brianmark.union@gmail.com connor.union@gmail.com Nichole Daniels, Illustration Editor nichole.union@gmail.com web@lbunion.com
Vincent Chavez Editor-in-Chief
Eric Garcia, Advertising Executive advertising@lbunion.com Assitant Editors: Camille Hove, Tyre Jones, Sierra Patheal, Katie Healy, Wes Young, Eddie Viramontes Staffers/Contributors: Joseph Phillips, Jon Bolin, Ben Novotny, Amy Patton, Rachel Clare, Molly Shannon, Christy Bonham, Roque Renteria, Alia Sabino, Irene Thaiss, Nathan Moore, Tony Bozanic, Chris Fabela, Matthew Vitalich, Abraham Alapisco, Greg Krish, Jalem Maboudi, Rebecca Pincolini, Alex Miklovic, Alison Ernst The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union weekly, not ASI or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures
CA 90815. E-mail: info@lbunion.com
My friend asked me to do a favor for her last week. She, a freshly-hired nutrition counselor for the Rec Center, begged me to come in for a nutrition consultation. Part of me wondered if this was an intervention for my binge eating, but my friend assured me that she just wanted to test her counseling skills on someone she felt comfortable talking to. I consented and didn’t think much of it. When I arrived at the Rec Center, my friend and I pretended not to know each other. We slyly shook hands and introduced ourselves as complete strangers. She then asked me a series of questions about my diet: What do you eat in a typical day? Do you skip meals? How much soda do you drink in a given week? I answered each question feeling sicker and sicker. Here was the sad truth:
I starved myself most of the day (skipping breakfast and lunch regularly) and would compensate by eating a gigantic dinner. This massive meal was almost always at a restaurant or a fast food joint because I never had time to prepare my own meals. Not until my dietary habits were laid out in front of me did I fully realize how much strain I was putting on my sad, paunchy body. I’ve always had a hard time controlling myself when it comes to food. For instance, I was at Denny’s with some friends last Friday morning, deciding whether to get the chicken strip basket or the baconstuffed French toast. My instincts said, “Get the French toast ‘cause Baconalia ain’t gonna last forever,” but then another voiced chimed in saying, “You haven’t had chicken strips in months. You can’t
go wrong with chicken strips.” A sane and healthy person would choose the lesser of two evils (in this case the thing that wasn’t stuffed with bacon), but then again, what is a sane and healthy person doing at Denny’s at 1am? So you bet your sweet and savory ass I bought both meals. Now, the reason I bought two meals is that I have no impulse control. Or it may just be that I have the appetite of a young Dom DeLuise. Needless to say, I have decided to live slow and die fat. On a completely unrelated note, this week’s feature takes a good hard look at the California Dream Act and the effects of its implementation on students. I encourage you to move your eyes a few inches to the right and read the full story.
Union Weekly—25 March 2013
DREAM STATE Examining the California Dream Act Michael Wood Opinions Editor
Undocumented immigration is an issue that is often relegated to the realm of the abstract. Without a constant reminder in day-to-day life, you often forget that there are working, struggling, and living human beings out there that routinely face discrimination, oftentimes as the result of the decisions of their parents in which they took no part. A moment of clarity for me happened during junior year of high school when I talked to my friend Tsuki, an undocumented immigrant brought here as a toddler by her parents. I asked her about what colleges she was thinking about applying to; we were both good students, so naturally I assumed that this would be interesting for us to talk about. It shocked me when she said, “I can’t go to school Michael, I’m undocumented. There’s no way I could afford it without financial aid.” That’s when the reality of her situation really hit home for me. I went home and did some research to see if this was true. Of course, it was at the time, and I was incredibly disheartened to know that there was an intelligent woman out there who wouldn’t be able to go to college on her own merit. She was an American, inside and out, but nothing could change the fact that her parents desired to live in America and that they didn’t leave when their visas expired. Luckily for her, soon after our graduation from high school, the California Dream Act came into play. The California Dream Act is one of the most controversial pieces of legislation to be passed in the state in recent memory. It resides on the same ground as Proposition 8; it has the potential to be an untouchable issue in California politics and is a microcosm of an even greater national debate. The California Dream Act itself is a package of three different bills, passed within a nearly decade-long period, that does a myriad of things. The central focus is putting higher education within the reach of undocumented immigrants, primarily those brought to this country by their parents at a young age when they could not consent to their violation of the law. AB 540, one of the three bills, has become a buzzword and a title held by these students aspiring to receive a college education. This bill sets out the requirements for qualifying students and made the first big step in the long-term goal of putting education within reach of undocumented immigrants, allowing them to pay reasonable in-state tuition rates for California colleges, as opposed to high out-of-state rates. AB 130 and AB 131, the two other bills, are the parts that ensure financial aid to undocumented students in the form of private scholarships, state-sponsored grants and loans and university grants. They have gone into effect as of January of this year, and we are now seeing the fruits of legislators’ efforts on this touchy topic. No issue inspires a greater range of emotions in California than immigration, particularly when it applies to undocumented immigrants. Everyone knows someone who is here illegally, whether they realize it or not. From the sympathetic residents who fight beside immigrants to ensure the promise of the American dream, to those who stand for the rights of citizens over unlawful immigrants, Californians know that this can be a tough topic to discuss. I talked to the Democrats and Republicans on campus and to a close friend of mine (who finds herself right in the middle of a political battle) to determine where they stood on this controversial issue. Between the talking points, inflammatory remarks, idealistic rhetoric, and personal stories, one could be overwhelmed with every single facet of this topic that reflects on the character of our nation. Are we here to ensure that Americans prosper first and foremost while everyone else is sent to the back of the line? Or are the words etched on the Statue of Liberty eternal? Are we ready to welcome the tired and poor of the world? Or did we stop providing a safe home to the huddled masses yearning to be free?
FEATURE
3
4
FEATURE
Union Weekly—25 March 2013
Living in Southern California, most of us native to the region have our own experiences with immigration and immigrant populations. We find ourselves put in contact with people who originate from all over the world, but how do we treat those who bring fresh thoughts, ways of lives, and culture into this country? It has been a topic of discussion that is ages old, from the racebased quota system of immigration of the past, to the xenophobic hysteria against the Irish, to the Bracero workers, and the subsequent “Operation Wetback,” all of which helped lay foundation for our current policies of deportation. The California Dream Act is merely a piece of an extensive, complex, and puzzling piece of our national identity and a small part of an answer to the question of “How do we feel and why do we feel this way about undocumented immigrants?” I’ve known my friend Tsuki Velazquez for nearly seven years. She reads like an open book and always keeps a cheerful disposition despite struggles in her life that often stand out as particularly stressful. So, naturally, when I approached her to talk about the California Dream Act and her personal experience with it, she had some honest and insightful feedback to share. Tsuki is like many other college freshmen out there. With so many competing interests that pull her in so many directions, she’s not sure what she wants to do in college quite yet, but she does know that her education won’t be ending anytime soon if she can help it. The only problem is, she realizes that she’s “different” as she copes with the stigma attached to undocumented immigrants. “I remember my first time going to the
financial aid office,” she recalled. “It wasn’t very well formatted for privacy; the person behind you in line was as close as someone in the backseat of a car is to someone sitting in the front. I was afraid to speak up, so when I told them I was an AB 540 student, I had to tell them my situation in hushed tones with a nosey person behind me listening. I don’t know whether or not he was judging me.” The process laden with bureaucracy has been no cakewalk for Tsuki, or any of the AB 540 students funneled through it. Dealing with state financial aid officials, college admissions folks, and the federal government (and doing so in a climate where a person’s life can be dramatically altered by the rapidly fluctuating political environment and the constant developments in immigration) may seem overwhelming for many people. The end result is worth it though, in Tsuki’s eyes, and a whole host of AB 540 eligible students’ eyes as well. Skilled people, particularly in STEM fields, often get preference when attempting to obtain a legal US visa. And once undocumented immigrants achieve legal status, the 2010 US Census reports that a person with only a high school diploma earns approximately $30,627 a year, compared to the $56,665 earned annually on average by those with a Bachelor’s degree. Californians are essentially alone in their progressive attitude towards college funding for undocumented immigrants. Other states facing growing unlawful immigrant populations have taken more draconian actions against the immigrants present in their states. Arizona was in the national spotlight in 2011 for its passage of SB 1070, the infamous law that
mandated immigration status checks in mundane situations like traffic stops, and almost any interaction with police. While other states are compelled to crack down on unlawful immigration, with copycat legislation being passed in South Carolina, Alabama, Utah, and Indiana to name a few, California, as evidenced by the Dream Act, has been on a road towards the tolerance of undocumented immigrants. Even in our state that has routinely pursued a liberal agenda, there is still significant debate over the true nature of the Dream Act. As many students may remember, there were posters around campus advocating a stop to the Dream Act, courtesy of the Long Beach State College Republicans. I contacted them and talked to their Vice President Andrew Spencer and Secretary Chiu Ma. There was one position that they could not stress enough to me: “We are not against immigration, we’re against breaking the law.” Though their argument was fair, there are several factors that make it clear that many of the problems are within our own immigration system. The average wait time for the child or spouse of a US permanent resident to receive legal status is six years, according to a study done by the National Foundation for American Policy. God forbid the brother or sister of a prospective immigrant is a US citizen; it would then take that person 14 years, on average, to be able to enter the country. “We believe [non-AB 540] should really pay attention to this because [the Dream Act] could make classes more difficult to acquire,” they said later in the interview. Though it is hard to predict a precise effect of the California Dream Act on class sizes and class availability on our public
Union Weekly—25 March 2013
“At the end of the day, it’s about whether or not I will have the money to study.”
university system, it is unrealistic to claim that classes would be hard to acquire. Only 65,000 undocumented immigrants who meet the residency requirement for the California Dream Act graduate from high school every year nationwide. And of course, not all of them apply for college or live in California. Besides, what makes an undocumented citizen, who has graduated from an American high school like many other applicants, any less deserving of a seat in a classroom? I also spoke with the College Democrats about the Dream Act, who were enthusiastic to talk about the measure. Victoria Chung, the organization’s president, questioned: “When you’re brought in underage, without your consent, how is it your fault?” She touched on a topic that merits more discussion (but doesn’t seem to get a lot of discussion) in the debate surrounding undocumented immigrants. How can one punish the child of parents who may have broken the law? What have these children done wrong? Could my friend Tsuki defy her parents’ decision to move to America when she was only
a toddler? The threat of deportation, being forced to live under the radar, and facing a daily stigma are bad enough, so must we force other young adults to deny themselves the education that their peers have gone on to receive; do we really need to deny a young adult’s right to get an education because of something they haven’t technically done? We face a moral decision as a country in regards to immigration. Do the words inscribed onto the Statue of Liberty still apply today? Or are we closed for business and new members of the American family? In the course of this feature, I can’t help but feel proud of California for passing the California Dream Act. For all of its flaws and all the bureaucracy it entails, it has been a great thing. Tsuki is in her first semester of college and is enjoying it, though the victory is bittersweet. “I worry about my financial aid a lot,” she tells me with anxiety. “I just don’t know whether or not the Dream Act will remain around long enough for me to finish my college education. At the end of the day, it’s about whether or not I will have the money to study.”
FEATURE
5
“We are not against immigration, we’re against breaking the law.”
The California Dream Act has plenty of benefits for undocumented immigrants and is well intentioned; however, much of this is bogged down in bureaucracy, paperwork, and administration. It’s obvious that a good education is worth working for, but after seeing this myriad of steps and procedures to do simple things like obtain the right to work in the United States, or to get financial aid to attend college, you may want to compare your own experience with getting a job or getting financial aid for schooling.
Requirements to receive Financial Aid You need to have obtained a GED, HS Diploma or passed the California High School Exit Exam. You must have attended a California high school for at least three years.
With the undocumented status, it is usually necessary to apply for Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals. This process grants you temporary immunity from deportation if you meet the following requirements:
You must be registered or currently enrolled in a higher education institution (Community colleges tend to be popular due to the low cost and the uncertainty of financial aid).
You entered the US before your 16th birthday.
(Editor’s Note: These qualify you for an outof-state tuition exemption and put you under the protection of AB 540, granting you resident tuition costs and linking you to the AB 130 and AB 131 measures, the financial aid elements of the Dream Act whose eligibility clause refers to the one in AB 540)
You’re under the age of 31.
You’ve continuously resided in the US since June 15th 2007.
You are currently in school or have graduated from high school. You have not been convicted of felony or serious misdemeanors (general good behavior). Then you must submit 3 forms to the United States Immigration and Citizenship Services department and pay approximately $465 in fees and then make an appointment to file your biometric information with the department.
After this, your financial aid application is complete and you wait for a response telling you how much aid you qualify for and in what form. Remember, the California Dream Act only qualifies undocumented immigrants for state financial aid, not federal aid.
Union Weekly—25 March 2013
NEWS
7
Market Comes to Fruition Sierra Patheal Assistant Editor
Joe Phillips Union Staffer For the first time in the history of Long Beach State, the Associated Students will be having a Farmers’ Market on campus. The event will be taking place this Wednesday, March 27th, from 10-2pm in front of the Student Recreation and Wellness Center. The Farmers’ Market will be run by ASI and sponsored by City Farm. The first two hundred people to buy products will receive “I Love Long Beach” bags courtesy of the 49er Shops. Many other campus outlets will be there to support the event as well, including KBeach, who will be there with a live radio feed to interview students and play music. If you have never been on the radio before, this is a great opportunity to get your voice out there. Many people wonder who had the idea
Illustration by Rose Feduk Comics Editor first, but in actuality, it was a group effort. This was an event that the Senate, John and Jon, Commissions, and everyone in ASI had talked about for months and is now coming into fruition. One of the biggest pushes has been from the students themselves, asking student government time and time again for alternative food options. The Farmers’ Market is a great opportunity to take advantage of these expanded options, and get fresh food from local vendors. Chantal Stamp, the Associated Students Special Events Commissioner, spoke on the occasion and its benefits: “Our goal in ASI is to provide the type of events that students have been asking for, including the Farmers’ Market. Not only will healthier food options be made
available, but we will be giving back to the local communities and farmers themselves. This is a concerted effort, and we are grateful for the help of everyone involved.” Many different types of vendors will be present at the event including a Mediterranean booth that sells hummus and olives. Also present will be a booth selling honey, and Homeboy Industries— who are noted for their delicious tortilla chips. There is a great mix of products that are going to be out there besides the usual fruit and veggie fare. Make sure to stop by the Farmers’ Market this Wednesday at the Rec Center before 2pm to get what you wish you could get every day without going to a corporate chain.
LA Poet Laureate Reading LA’s Poet Laureate, Eloise Klein Healy, will be reading her poetry at the Soroptimist House on Thursday, March 28th at 7 pm. The reading is sponsored by the HipPoetics Creative Writing Club, the RipRap Literary Journal, and the CSULB Department of English. Health Fair Program Council is hosting a Health Fair on the Southwest Terrace of the USU on Thursday, March 28th from 12—3 pm. Come and learn about health services you may not have even realized CSULB offers! Some of the tables at the event include massages from Beach Balance, body fat testing, and representatives from local hospitals, dental services, and breast cancer organizations. So do your body some good before it’s too late and you die.
8
ENTERTAINMENT Union Weekly—25 March 2013
Three Peas in a Podcast Gabe Ferreria Art Director I tend to present myself as a man who has no doubts about the career path he has chosen to follow. Most people who know me well would be quick to assume that being a graphic designer is a calling; a few of my friends have even pointed out that I am very “lucky” to have found something I am so passionate about. Here is a secret (jump in joy: you’re the first ones to learn this!): up until very recently, I constantly questioned myself about being in what I thought was the narrow field of graphic design. Here I am, creating posters, visual identities, and magazine covers while some other professionals are building airplanes, curing AIDS, and revolutionizing the way humans interact. How depressing is that? At the height of this self-inflicted crisis I came across Design Matters, a podcast that
opened more doors than I could have ever hoped from a set of digital sound waves. Debbie Millman, the powerhouse that runs the show, describes it as a “thoughtprovoking internet podcast which profiles industry-leading graphic designers, change agents, artists, writers, and educators.” For the three years that Design Matters has been in production, Millman has interviewed 162 designers. Yes, 162 of them, and all of them good. “Why the fuck should I care about it?,” you ask. Well, read on. What’s most impressive about the podcast is that each interview goes far beyond the world of art and highlights the power of creative thinking in problem solving and innovation across all industries. In the episode with British designer Eddie Opara, for example, Millman and Opara
Call Chelsea Peretti
w/ Alec Baldwin
Rose Feduk Comics Editor
Marco Beltran Senior Editor
Every Monday, Chelsea Peretti takes calls from her fans for about an hour and a half and turns it into a podcast. The hilarious thing about this podcast is that Chelsea has no patience for people who call in and have nothing to say or those who expect her to initiate the conversation. Oftentimes Chelsea will make jokes at their expense while the caller is explaining why they have shitty reception or how broken up they are about the recent death of one of their friends. And without any remorse, she’ll interject with obnoxious sound effects like sexy music, audience applause and, my favorite, a slot machine jackpot noise that lasts for an excruciating (probably) 15 seconds. Though there are many oblivious derfs that are generally a waste of time, some people do end up being conversational and interesting, and discussion topics range from deodorant preferences, to poodles, to crack cocaine. The only way this podcast gets better is when Chelsea decides to invite some of her notable comedian friends, like Adam Scott or Moshe Kasher, to join in on the fun. Knowing that I probably won’t ever call Chelsea Peretti for fear of being rejected by her, I’m content listening to Chelsea destroy the confidence of other goofballs just like me.
Alec Baldwin’s podcast, or the podcast version of his radio program, is ridiculous in terms of how amazing it is. Here’s the Thing is in its infancy as a show, with a mere 38 podcasts under its belt, but it’s already had an insane range of celebrities involved with it within the first few episodes. It’s not just limited to movie stars; it’s had writers, television hosts, and athletes showcased on a bi-monthly basis. Let me give you an example: the guest on first episode was Michael Douglas. Within a few months, he’s already had the likes of Fred Armisen, Billy Joel, and David Letterman to have some surprisingly deep conversations. On top of that, his voice is perfect for listening. It’s soothing, as if you were listening to your gravelly-voiced grandpa having an interesting conversation with Kristen Wiig in your dreams. It gets kind of tense for me sometimes, because it’s too calm. Halfway through an episode I expect him to yell for no reason, or just scream at a guest to show how passionate he is about their work. This may be because Alec Baldwin is a great actor, or he’s just personable, but he always seems to be genuinely interested in what people are telling him. If anything, this podcast is great for hearing people that you wouldn’t normally hear in a podcast.
discuss the first few steps of social media taken in 1998 (five years before Myspace was even created!) by a group of designers at MIT Media Lab, of which Opara was part. And guess what: those same people were the ones behind much of the way we experience the internet today. If you don’t think that’s relevant, consider the fact that social media and browsing websites account for about 18 hours of your day. Clement Mok is yet another interesting individual profiled by Design Matters. Mok, the Creative Director at Apple responsible for the implementation of the design philosophy we still see today, goes into detail about the absurd way Steve Jobs treated his employees and how long it took for him to agree to the work his team had been doing. Partially shaping the world’s
most valuable company wasn’t enough for Mok, who became the man responsible for making Sushi accepted in the United States. It sounds crazy, I know, but I swear I’m sane. Go give it a listen. It is a little unfortunate that I can’t force you to listen to Design Matters. It really is more fun than scrolling down your newsfeed and it will fill your brain with good thoughts. If you are a designer, you are probably damaging your career by not knowing that this invaluable resource is available to you, for free, at soundcloud.com/designmatters. The entire collection is also available on iTunes, and there are even a couple of special episodes on YouTube.
Union Weekly—25 March 2013
Where Everybody Knows Your Name
MUSIC
9
The best and worst TV theme songs Comics Editor
Touched by an Angel Opinions Editor
Music Editor
Entertainment Editor
Marco Beltran Senio Editor
This is easily the best theme song of any TV show ever, not just because it reminds me of Jerry Seinfeld’s weird voice or George Costanza referring to himself in the third person. No, it’s for that late ‘80s bass line, those weird mouth clicking sounds, and the odd syncopated percussion that just reek of the ‘90s. Hearing the song reminds me of my vague memories of Clinton and Al Gore on TV, a world where my dad had a beeper instead of a cell phone, and social networking was the fevered dream of Ivy League dorks.
The Touched by an Angel theme song is rad. It has all the things needed to make a theme song sound awesome. It has an uplifting message. It has Della Reese, who plays the only black character on the show, singing like only black women can. It has a gospel choir singing about Jesus. Okay, forget that part. Honestly, I only really like this song because I hate the show and I’m an asshole. Also, don’t look up “Della Reese naked” on Google Images. I didn’t do that at all, and you totally shouldn’t do it, either.
This song is a jam. Her voice is like that of an angel from the nineties. Uh oh. Now that I listened to this song on repeat for 20 minutes, I think I like the idea of this song better than the actual song. It’s all sad and happy at the same time, makin’ me feel funky feelings. It’s kinda funny when she does her little rap. You know, the part when she says, “His father and his father, his father.” So instead of listening to it, I suggest you just think about how good it is. You’ll thank me later.
(Marco Note: This should be read with the Family Matters’ theme playing in the background.) Ka-choom ch ch ch ch ch ch ch. It’s a rare condition in this day and age to write about this song on this music-filled page. Love and tradition should learn to cite this song right here as the catchiest, right? Well, there must be some magic clue behind this magic song. ‘Cause all I hear is Urkel’s childish screams haunting me forever, even in my dreams. Oh, the days go by, but I’ll always love Family Matters’ theme.
10
LITERATURE Union Weekly—25 March 2013
Game, Set, Mooch BookMooch is changing the way we read Wes Young Assistant Editor For those of you who love to spend your time reading and prefer the deep satisfaction of owning a book rather than borrowing one, let me tell you about a great alternative approach to getting books. Publishers have raised prices to a total that makes books a near luxury. But there exists a place on the Internet where you can get a book from any corner of the earth for free. The name of this wonderful community of book lovers is BookMooch. For every old, neglected, or used-up book you are willing to give new life to by sending to someone else, you earn yourself one Mooch Point. That point can be used at another time to purchase any book you see that is available. Even if you can’t find someone else immediately interested in your books, they’ll give you points just so you can get started searching the vast databases for titles. There are, of course, benefits and drawbacks to BookMooch,
Queen Fluffy Alex Miklovic Union Staffer (Note: This is an excerpt from a larger work. To see the original go to lbunion.com) Tension was thick among the crowd, and for several hours few words were spoken, until at last one of the tall guards outside the Queen’s chamber announced in a deep and eloquent voice, “Hark! The Sorcerer cometh!” As if on cue, the Sorcerer threw the chamber doors open, and stepped forth onto the balcony that overlooked the courtyard. He was adorned in his usual attire, an oversized and wimpling purple robe, and an outlandishly large wizard’s hat that kinked and fell over near the top. He lacked a thick beard, and instead sported a baby smooth face, which was often a point
and some aspects of it can count in both categories. For instance, take the number of users. There are many, many people that are making their collections available; therefore, there is a multitude of books to choose from. However, there are just as many people requesting that best-seller you’re looking for. A quick glance at the “Most Available” list uncovers the troves of unclaimed Grisham and Dan Brown novels, while jumping over to the “Most Requested” list devastatingly displays how many Twi-hards aren’t getting their daily allotted dose of crappy literature. For those of you who don’t immediately recognize the repercussions of this system, it means every dirt-cheap old book is the equivalent of a beautiful hardcover bestseller. I’ve received great books like Reefer Madness and even Pride and Prejudice and Zombies in astounding condition. I really have been quite blessed in my career as a moocher. In
of debate amongst the townspeople who frequently liked to argue his legitimacy as a magician of any kind. When the Sorcerer stepped forth onto the balcony, the silence in the courtyard exploded into an excited chatter. One of the guards blew into a conch, and its deep harmony reverberated throughout the inner walls of the Courtyard for several seconds. Then the guard shouted, “Silence! The Sorcerer will now speaketh for the Queen!” and the crowd hushed into whispers. “Boy, is it hot out here or what?” the Sorcerer observed with his hands on his hips. He paused and stared directly at the sun for ten full seconds, smacked his lips, and then said, “Stifling, really. “Okay, quick update for you guys. The Queen told me who the successor is, and you are not going to believe it.” His wizard hat slipped off his head and fell to the ground. “Shit,” he said and he bent over to retrieve it. He brushed it off, and placed it back on his head, fiddling with it for another minute before continuing. “Oh, and by the way,” he said, “the Queen’s totally dead—I probably should have said that first when I came out here. That’s kind of a big deal.” He was quiet for a few seconds, nodding thoughtfully. “You know what’s weird?” he asked. “I was expecting her to die majestically, but there was nothing— and I mean nothing, majestic about it at all. She was crying, and vomiting and making all kinds of weird noises. And I’m pretty sure she pooped herself, actually, because it began to smell crazy nasty in there.”
the first day of signing up I registered my Goosebumps collection, with the immediate response of a charity for children wanting my entire inventory. Herein lies the other benefit of BookMooch: various charities using it as a donation tool. My account immediately got credited and I became a mooch millionaire with the only startup cost being a minimal fee of shipping. My actions revealed to me that I would be the kind of lottery winner that goes out and immediately spends their fortune. I become a baron, a tycoon, a capitalist extraordinaire. My sudden fortune played so many mind games with me that I started to consider dropping out of school. I could rove through dumpsters all day looking for discarded books, stealing when I had to, and mooching every book I’d ever wanted. I started mooching books by Bill Cosby and Larry King just because I could! After seeing these books piled all over my room in their original packaging, I realized it
was time to pump the breaks, and I began my road to recovery. The social benefits of the site are light and fun compared to the encroaching effects of other sites. Books can be sent and received internationally at a premium rate of three mooch points. I’ve even helped my friends start mooching by “smooching” them my own points. User goals and stats make it into a much more rewarding system as well. Users can leave each other feedback based on their service. Even I have quite a high rating despite wrapping my books in paper grocery bags, while receiving books double packed in bubble wrap. One heartfelt review from a lady read, “Received just in time for my son’s birthday, thanks!” And then to take a dump on that, this girl Holly gave me a negative rating for “leaving food in the book.” I know I didn’t do that, so I left a review in kind. “Yeah, you should Mooch from Holly, if you like jizz in your books.”
Union Weekly—25 March 2013
CULTURE
11
Spring Staycations Alia Sabino Union Staffer You may not be loaded with an endless amount of money, but that is no reason to not have fun over spring break. Jet setting through Europe or jumping off cliffs in Santorini may be out of the question, but here’s a list of things to do for a relatively cheap mini-vacation...
1
2
3
4
Get some spring cleaning done I am a strong believer that clean and organized surroundings lead to an organized life, or maybe that’s just the OCD in me talking. But there’s no harm in trying to sort through the mess that has accumulated ever since school started that you’ve been too busy to deal with. Go through your stacks of papers and throw out ones that aren’t of use anymore. Vacuum your entire place. Get down on your knees and scrub the grime that’s been annoying you for quite some time off your kitchen floor. And also, in celebration of spring and summer fast approaching, it’s time to store those heavy-duty winter clothes and bring out more floral patterns and brighter colors into your wardrobe.
Go to a drive-in theatre I had my first drive-in theater experience three weeks ago, and boy did I enjoy it. It’s such a unique experience, and it combines two of my most favorite things—movies and the starry night sky (Yes, I know, I’m cheesy). I didn’t even realize that these still existed till my friend invited me to one. At the entrance you choose which movie you’d want to watch and they’ll have overhead signs leading you on a trail to the right projector. They’ll give you a radio station to tune into and voila! For an optimal experience, I recommend getting some Chinese take-out before hand. The drive-in theatres that I know of are the Vineland Drive-In in the city of Industry and the Devil’s Night DriveIn in LA.
Go on a food crawl A food crawl is essentially traveling from place to place while sampling different restaurants or other kinds of food establishments. For this to be effective, it should be organized and mapped out well throughout the day. List some food places you’ve always wanted to try but never had the time to. Organize a route based on location and what type of food you plan to get there, whether an appetizer, an entrée, or a dessert. Some places/food I recommend to splurge on are Umami Burger, beignets at the Grand Lux Café in LA, or food trucks such as the White Rabbit (Filipino fusion cuisine) and Lime (inspired American cuisine).
Do the Irvine Mud Run (April 6) Get down and dirty this spring break by running a 5K course beginning and ending at the Irvine Lake. There’s no better way to rid yourself of stress and inhibitions than rolling around in mud! There will be some fun obstacles set up throughout the entire course, so get ready to get the adrenaline pumping in you. Go online and register on their website, and the best way to go is to register as a team. If you choose to be team captain, you can have an UNLIMITED number of people in your group and you can therefore split the cost! Don’t forget to bring sunscreen and extra clothes!
5
6
Watch a free comedy show I don’t know about you guys but I believe that improv is one of the best things to happen to mankind. Watching people coming up with comedic stunts right on the spot and having to think on their toes is absolutely mind blowing to me. I discovered the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre about a year ago, and this nationally recognized improv and sketch comedy school is worth checking out. I’ve been to both the theatre here and their original one in New York City, and my experiences have been nothing less than amazing and ridiculously hilarious. They offer comedy show 7 days a week, but they have a free show everyday Sunday called ASSSSCAT (no idea what that stands for) where the cast members create a show based purely out of suggestions from the audience. The show starts at 7:30 pm and I recommend getting in line an hour beforehand to make sure you get seats.
Catch the last show of Spring Awakening (March 30) Why not head start your spring break with a school production of this worldrenowned musical? This is honestly my favorite musical (and mind you, I’ve seen quite a few), and I couldn’t help but go on an endless rave about it after watching it at the Pantages Theater in 2011. I’m excited to see our theatre production’s take on it and how it will compare. For those of you who have no idea what the musical is about, it’s a coming of age story set in the late 19th century in Germany, where teenagers discover their sexuality amidst a town and education that was deadly conservative. So many controversial topics are covered that it was actually banned in Germany for quite some time. If provocative is your kind of thing, then this musical is for you!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Volume 72 Issue 10
LBUNION.COM
DISCLAIMER: Hola niños y niñas, it’s your Duchie speaking to you from beyond the grave! I pranked you. I am not dead. I am LOLin’ out loud right now at your gullibility. This week, I am no longer a VHS. Phew. But now I’m stuck in a laptop! Ay Dios Mio! Help me, Jesús! This page is satire and I do not represent ASI nor the CSULB campus, but, if you have the phantom penis, feel free to submit articles via email to grunion@lbunion.com.
Grunion Supports Zent/Toney
Perez Hilton Shows Baby Off, Surrogate Mother Revealed
A few weeks ago, prior to this week’s voting madness, the candidates for ASI President and VicePresident Sean Zent and Larry Toney posted a video in which they rapped by Sarry their platform to Tent the beat of A$AP Rocky’s “Fucking Problems.” The campus was sent into an uproar, as along with Zent and Toney’s broad and ambiguous goals, they promised to increase student parking, lower tuition, and bring a “top-performing artist” to the CSULB campus. Curious as to how they hope to accomplish all these goals that other ASI representatives have failed to do, the Grunion decided to do some
Let me start out by saying that I am so proud of my Mario (some of you people on the internet call him “Perez Hilton,” but he’ll always be my little churrito) for by Mama becoming a new Hilton daddy and making me a new grandma. Well, not really a grandma exactly. I don’t want to brag, but that little miracle is more mine than you think. You see, all these articles on the internet newspapers keep talking about this “surrogate” mother
2013 for ASI Election
actually entail. Actually, we didn’t do any research. Someone dropped off a manila envelope at details on everything they have planned for the CSULB student body. According to our source, the “topperforming artist” is one that the campus has been asking to come to our school for years. The only problem at the time was that the artist had too many previous engagements. But now, thanks to Zent and Toney, Paula on our campus. She will bring her unique take on comedy and signature suit jacket to entertain and bring smiles to the several dirtbags on this campus.
Zent and Toney plan on combining both issues of parking and tuition in one masterful move. The main problem they were confronted with was the number of students. According to the “Zent/Toney Files,” the major problem with the campus is the size of the student body. The number of students on this campus dictate the amount of money needed for tuition, as well as affecting the availability of parking. In order to ameliorate this problem, they the problem. The idea involves a major endeavour. The two have been working with several of the students from many of the science programs on campus this entire semester solution they came up with was fusing students to create a something which the “Zent and Toney Files” lovingly calls the Human Fartipede: a monster composed of many students that survives off of its own farts. It will be composed of at least 600 students, making it possible for students who are not part of the Fartipede to park wherever they want. Since the Fartipede exists on a diet of farts, the lines at the different campus eateries will decrease as well. Also, they’ve posted those hilarious posters all over campus. So funny! Like the “Victoria’s Secret” one and the squirrel one? They’ve really played it up for the students on this campus that are either Zoophiles or sexist fucks. Well played Zent and Toney. You certainly have the support of the Grunion!
rude that my little Mario forgot to mention that I, his mommy, am the baby’s mommy! Mario came up to me one Sunday morning
while I was enjoying a mimosa and watching The View and he, a little sheepishly, asked me if I would take some of his strong little soldiers and walk them into my ovaries. I mean, people just misunderstand my boy so much. He has a good heart, but tweenie boppers who just can’t get over themselves. But what can you do? My poor baby just didn’t have anyone else to turn to. And I love my son, so of course I said yes. So, nine months later, we’re a happy little family. Mario and I sleep in the same room in different beds and take turns drawing intimate baths for baby Mario. And with the way Mario looks into little baby Mario’s eyes, I know that he’s not a total goblin man. World, watch out, because little baby Mario is going to grow up to be the sassiest clown bitch baby on the whole internet.
Inside
GIRLS GONE WILD CREATOR STARTS FILMING FOR NEW VENTURE: SEXY BABY-THEMED SEX SITE
SEAGAL HOPES PUTIN “BUDDY COP” MOVIE RECOUPS CAREER
BECKHAM HAS BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA