Luck of the Crawl

March 17 Volume 74 lbunion.com

9

Luck of the Crawl Our drunken adventure through the Long Beach bar scene

Issue 74.9

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Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union Weekly, not ASI or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the

“Alyssa, you crusty.”

-Marco Beltran to Alyssa Keyne after watching her scarf down two pizza crusts

“Yo, Alyssa, I read a Yelp review that you crusty.”

-Marco Beltran to Alyssa Keyne, as a confrontational guy on a date

Rose Feduk, Editor-in-Chief

editorinchief@lbunion.com

Marco Beltran, Managing Editor

marcob.union@gmail.com

Connor O’Brien, Managing Editor

connor.union@gmail.com

Eric Garcia, Advertising Exec

advertising@lbunion.com

Shereen Lisa Dudar, Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com

Alfred Pallarca, Culture Editor culture@lbunion.com

Sierra Patheal, Campus Editor campus@lbunion.com

Molly Shannon, Food Editor food@lbunion.com

Michael Wood, Music Editor music@lbunion.com

Connor O’Brien, Art Director connor.union@gmail.com

Roque Renteria, Entertainment Editor entertainment@lbunion.com

Truc Nguyen, Web Manager web@lbunion.com

Alyssa Keyne, Literature Editor literature@lbunion.com

God Warrior, Grunion Editor grunion@lbunion.com

Chrissy Bastian, Athletics Editor athletics@lbunion.com

Assistant Editor: Sam Winchester

Follow us @UnionWeekly

Contributors: Kevin Tran, Jennifer Cierra, Kris Schweitzer, Renee Schmiedeberg, Nadia Fonseca, Michael Honey, Helen Nguyen, Nancy Castelan, Camille Hove, Samantha Spellman, Mario Lopez, Adam Denny, Janna Jesson, Craig Gozer, Sarah Delcout, Joseph Phillips, David Hayter, Charlotte Butterbean, Cando Lalrissean, Sean O’Flannery, Benny Profane, AC Slater, Spinny Sixxy, Robert Sanchez, Abigail Manares, Camille Hove, Alex Berman, Maria Morales, and Beatriz Villa.

Questions? Comments? Combos?

LBUnion.com

Long Beach, CA 90815.

E-mail: info@lbunion.com

Marco and the Story of How He Became Rose for a Week Marco Beltran Managing Editor, Temporary Editor-in-Chief I apologize to all the members of the Rosebuds, the rabid Rose Fuduk fanclub here on campus, but Rose was not able to make it back to Long Beach in time to write her weekly column and lay down some truth bombs this week. Instead, you have me. Look, I’m just as disappointed as you are. Mostly because she was my ride home and I’ve been forced to sleep face-down in a gutter with a pile of feral kittens on my back for warmth. I tried digging a hole in the ground to live with the gophers, but I was too lazy and too grossed out every time I touched an earthworm. Even though I’m nowhere near as talented as Rose in terms of illustrating, being a leader, playing video games like Harvest Moon, and doing sports, I’ll attempt to give the appearance of having

which we identify more as. Why should we? We’re not aiming to be like other publications. Our goal is to make ourselves better in spite of them.

To that end, in the coming weeks we will be implementing more changes to how the Union operates and looks in hopes of showing this campus how great we know the Union can be.

I’m trying.

As Rose expressed in her column last week, the reason she’s in New York is for this big college newspaper convention. It’s basically like a Comic Con, but for people entrenched in every journalistic medium.

Hopefully, not as smelly. Comic Con, you are very stanky. We entered a few critiques in hopes of bringing home something to

used language that could be considered insensitive toward the LGBTQ+ community.

In the context of the newspaper, I look at

but unfortunately, we didn’t end up winning anything. Rose and I attribute it to how we call ourselves a newspaper and print on newsprint, but we resemble the layout of magazine. We’re straddling between the two and not really choosing

progress is admitting when we’ve made a positive change. Last week, I made an error in judgement by not giving our feature—a feature I was really proud of because of how enthralled I am with drag culture as print. In the introduction, we inaccurately

exactly the same. It’s my job as feature editor to make sure mistakes like that don’t happen, yet, in a momentary lapse of reason, I allowed something that could potentially love or care about to go to print. If you’re a reader, knowledgeable about the many I welcome you to write, and to represent your voice and passion in the pages of the Union Weekly. I look forward to reading about them.

Join Us for our Idea Party: Tuesdays at 5:30 in USU-116.

4 Opinions

Drunkpinions Illustration by Robert Sanchez Contributor

This week, we convinced our friends to get drunk and then write about their strange thoughts. Some of them asked for topics, and others reacted to the people and conversations around them. We received submissions in the form of text, email, and Facebook message. Some people tried submitting, but ended up throwing up and passing out instead. The opinions on this page range from absurd to empowering and insightful. It’s not clear what intoxicating agents these contributors were utilizing; all we know is that they abandoned their parties or their sad nights of drinking alone to write for us, and for that we thank them.

Barbed Cat Penises Sooo barbed penises, right? (Hello potential employers! This only happened once, I swear.) If you don’t know what I’m discussing, there are several species in the animal kingdom that have to have sex using have spiny penises, and deservedly so.

Cats are more terrible than humans because humans are more dependent on whether or not they feel their lives are good-feely sex while cold motherfuckers like cats have to be forced. Seriously, love several times a day, but Zoop keeper bitches won’t tell your about their barbed penises. Male cats speicifaclly have

inwardly curved spikes on their penises that make sex painful for their counterpartsws.

Which makes sense, because cats naturally don’t give a fuck about whether their species survives. Have you seen that one video of a dog teaching its baby how to use stairs and a cats teaching its kitten how to use stairs. Basically the cat pushies its baby

or not their species survives. That’s why they deserve and need prickly sex. felines can give a fuck about getting it, but they need to be kept in place to make sure genes form and babies grow. That’s where the barbs come in. The barbs keep cats in

Charlotte Butterbean Staffer

Launch the rocket. Fertilize the egg. That last one was too literal.

Evolution wize, I understand why that middle of sex like they do when you’re trying to pet them. Many things keep their attention, so you need a mode of force to keep them in place. Also, if you’ve noticed that cats make terrible sounds when they’re having sex (Luckily, I’ve never witness this myself ), the barbs are probably the reason why. If you were having a sex with a guy with a spiky penies, wouldn’t you yell for help/ recognition/orgasm/terror?

Cats deserve all the barbed penises in the

Be Genuine/Jason Segel Do whatever you want. Like seriously, I;m so sick of the bullshit. Who fucking cares if you have a shaved head or the waving long locks of a fucking mermaid. Do whetever you people think they’re too cool for certain things. Like, no, I went to middle school

passionate about something, stick with it .

and listen to something about them that actually intrigues yhou.God i really cant take it anymore.

everyone. The media, society, my sister...

deal with it. This article is going nowhere but I’m drunk so it’s okay. Who fucking careS if you have a bush or Brazilian,either way

that matters now is...jason segel. That’s right, jason segel. The best thing that ever happened to this godforsaken planet. Jason segel is the future. If he weren’t here then i would fucking kill myself because all you fucking dumbass hos areseriously so consumed with the wrongs things in life.

Focus on your brain. Focus on your friends. And family. Dont focus on your

natural part of your body. It wouldnt BE IF

College Ruled Paper was an especially anxiety inducing problem I created in my head that I could not write past that damned pink line, you know, the one at have to carefully calculate every word I chose that college ruled paper provided. I would be scared of always writing down on college ruled paper. I had big handwriting and this paper gave me claustrophobia.

In kindergarten, I had about an inch of room to write my, with more to love, letters that had plenty of space left over to admire.

Having to do more with ruled paper, There

getting attention? Cagey bitches, that’s who!

Fuck, I’m an introvert, but I know manners.

Spinny Sixxy Staffer

remembering something about them,when the fact is thwt you have a pretty good

when people think you are creeepy for

Let me tell you about college ruled paper.

That shit gave me nightmares writing on it when I was in Junior High. It was mandatory for us to get college ruled paper. I was the

now that I am a dog person.) They’re all little fuckers. Granted, I’m partly an introvert, but I’ve never abandoned a conversation. That’s just plain rude. Why would you abandon somebody who is stroking you? It feels good, and there’s no other motivation than shiny objects. Let the feel good go on and mess with the shiny object later. The shiny object will almost always remain shiny. I can guarantee it. I swear, cats don’t have common curtesey.

pink line or else there would be something wrong or it wouldn’t be good enough to show my teacher.

I mean, That is what is wrong with our society these days. We expect everyone to fit into some circle,and follow all these rules, when there are also squares,

I’m not ashamed. Bitch.

A.C. Slater Contributor rectangles, trapezoids, triangles, some acute, some obtuse, and everything in between and outside.

How would you expect me to stay consistent in my writing with all the changes in rule. Where is the Highschool ruled paper, junior high school, kindergarten, preschool, placenta ruled? I didn’t vote for you, the College Ruler of paper! How pretentious to have your own rule over paper. We are an autonomous collective, this isn’t some kind of dictatorship. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the

masses, and we, the masses call for justice and equality.

That is why I endorse paper to be Wide ruled. to be able to write in as much space as possible with unlimited creative freedom. It is up with all these rules anyway. Maybe what order. Just have everyone decide what kind of paper suits them best. Maybe it is the alcohol talking, but do we even need paper necessary until I am appeased!

5 Opinions

Trigger Words Sean O’Flannery Contributor Illustration by Kris Schweitzer Contributor Time for the drunk report u been waiting for in the paper right? So here’s the deal people have a trigger word that makes them very

heat of the moment people can say lots of things. Words are just words and we gotta move on sometimes. Especially when were

are an important part of life and breakfast haha that alphabet cereal do.

But in all reality lets get down to the nitty gritty. We have to realize that words

u gotta watch how u react. The humans depend on it ya heard. [shortly after submitting this drunk text,

Nostalgia fuck the 60s they suck too. I’m sick of Americana, the days when you can dump napalm on a bunch of Vietnamese peasants and get a medal for it. Sure, there was some good music back then, but there was a lot of complete and utter shit too. Must I remind you of Donovan (I bet you don’t even know who Donovan is, he wasn’t on the 60s fucking there. I wasn’t there either, but if I was, I’d probably have polio!

Benny Profane Staffer alcoholic, you could put that shit on your resume! Think Don Draper or Dean Martin.

The only real advantage is that if you were a white dude, you could be totally racist and get applause for it. But if you’re that type of person, go back to the John Birch Society meeting, vote for Barry Goldwater, just go watch your nascent Doctor Who episodes and get the fuck out of my era. I’m pissed! I’m full of vitriol and shit!

I don’t understand this fascination with regression. Especially those who question gluten free tank top wearing motherfuckers,

didn’t have to hide being a func)tioning

community garden will not feed the whole world. I’m not a fan of Monsanto, but I am a fan of science. If you doubt me, ask the middle ages how great locally grown organic food worked out for them. If you were lucky, you didn’t get a rotten tomato that had the days of scurvy if you wish but I want to live in a world where that shit doesn’t bother me. agent is tracking my every move (Shoutout to Agent Carol in Arlington, Virginia, you’re the wind beneath my wings.)

Star Wars As told it was in a galaxy far away in a time long ago, but at times I feel like the star wars universe is closer to me than the world I live in. In that world there are principles and ideals that one can follow to a success and to enlightenment and yet here in this world I hunt scrounge for something bigger than myself to grip to, I want something to believe in and yet what is there?

There is no force. There is no rebellion.

There is no dashing rogue. I look around, left right and all between and the only parallel I can draw is the homogenizing,

the past is a truly troubling sign of our times.

We’ve stopped having hope for the future so we imagine ourselves in times where there

That’s why it’s imperative that you keep your head up and have faith in living, breathing people. Some people will fuck you over and a few will lead you to carry on and be a better these are all social constructs. But damn’t, you can either wallow in a puddle of nostalgic fantasy or you can roll up your sleeves and make yourself useful in the present.

Cando Lalrissean Contributor corrupt empire that I feed day in and day out.

Stormtroopers are able to don their helms to hide the shame in their faces but me, I have no luxary. I have to face the world with all the bitterness and pain that this breathing hypocrisy of a society has imbued upon me.

What a sad mockery of the beauty of the life I was given.

To sink my teeth deep in a victory such that the rebels tasted—or even a defeat lost amidst the honor of standing and believing in something that pays the slightest respect to humanity is something I know I will

never have the luxary of experiencing. With no banners to rally to I gather dust upon my decrepit self, there is naught but ideas and longings to repent for my hypocrisy.

My knees remain bent and my dignity is something I am full aware is but a sham, a kind lie fed to myself to keep this pitiful shell of a man moving day in and day out.

How I long for a force. How I long for an answer. How I long for a new hope. Mine has whithered long ago and now I am left among deserts more dry and dead than the dune seas of tatooine but mine are

populated with these things called men that I am told are the same as me but they must know more or less because in their eyes I see a glimmer of life. And my mirror grants me nothing of the same.

6 Food

“A 20-ounce bottle of soda currently contains two and a half servings. Most people don’t purchase and open a 20-ounce soda with the intention of saving over half of it for tomorrow.”

A Decent Proposal

beverage portions commonly consumed

by Americans and including grams of “added sugar.” Many of the actual portion sizes people consume have increased since

Will nutrition labels get a makeover? those consumer changes. For example, a

Sarah Delcourt Contributor

two and a half servings. Most people don’t

proposed making several changes to foodpackaging nutrition labels. Some of the like moving the Percent Daily Value from the right side of the nutrition label to the left side and increasing the type size of total calories per serving. Other changes, such as adjusting serving sizes and specifying grams of added dietary habits of Americans. The proposed for those looking to improve their diet.

Possibly, the two most important revisions

with the potential of removing or lowering excess added sugar from their diets. The changes to nutrition labels won’t reverse the rising trend of obesity and associated health risks single-handedly, but by making nutrition labels easier to understand and more appropriate for today’s eating habits, perhaps the FDA will help make healthy food choices a little easier.

the intention of saving over half of it for tomorrow. Typically, the consumer drinks the entire bottle within a short period of time. Foods and beverages commonly consumed in one sitting would be considered a single serving and labeled as such on the calories would be listed for the entire singleserving package, making calorie calculations easier. Furthermore, many Americans consume foods and beverages loaded with added sugar. Current nutrition labels don’t sugar and grams of added sugar. If the two ability to make more informed decisions Current Nutrition Label

Proposed Nutrition Label

The Deli That’ll Fill Up Your Belly Philippe’s in Los Angeles has the “original” French Dip Roque Renteria Entertainment Editor Homemade sandwiches are a sign that someone has given up on a meal. No selfrespecting or money-having person would replace a well-balanced meal for a sandwich.

Sandwiches and Top Ramen are the staple foods of starving college students across a meatier alternative that will satisfy the hungriest of people. Now, I’ve been all across this country; I’ve had hoagies, subs, clubs, reubens, you name it. I will admit that New York has the best selection of sandwiches, especially when it comes to pastrami (shout out to Carnegie’s and Katz). But when it comes to the most delicious sandwich available for human consumption, I have to go with Philippe’s The Original in Los Angeles. Never has a sandwich titillated my

here has. Chunks of beef dance around my palate, creating a sensation which I can only compare to getting a tongue massage from Super Meat Boy. Normally, the legendary sandwich is served with French bread, your choice of meat and cheese, and a side of their homemade hot mustard. I choose to forego the mustard, but friends and family have told me that the combination of umami, spiciness, and bread roll up into an explosion If you were paying attention earlier, you would have noticed that I wrote “French dip.” That’s right. Philippe (being the good guy that he is) also gives you a side of au jus.

This is the broth left over while the meat is being marinated and cooked. Dipping

and dunking your sandwich into a side of this bad boy will add another dimension of tastiness that would be nearly impossible to describe. But, being the amazing writer that I am, that task is not unachievable for me.

When the bread is permeated by the meat juices the surrounded meat begins to soften and becomes a sponge of salty savoriness.

The sandwich is so chewy that it requires all your sandwich is gone, you begin to feel melancholic, because you realize that you’re eventually going to lose the sandwich to the digestive system. It’s a damn shame.

If for some strange reason you are not a fan of delectable delicious sandwiches, do not fret; Philippe has a wide variety of other dishes. Breakfast is available. The

restaurant also has desserts. The New York cheesecake is my favorite. And, one dish that I think is worth mentioning is the chili. You can also avoid the fattier options by ordering a healthy salad. There are various green salads available, but honestly, fighting temptation at Philippe’s is very difficult and frustrating. Therefore, you should succumb to your sandwich master. I have to warn you, this place is THE joint. What I mean by that is this place gets very busy, very quickly, or, at times, is consistently crowded. Luckily, there is an app that allows you to place an order ahead of time and pick it up. So, if you’re in the LA area and want to break the monotony of sandwich chain restaurants, then give this landmark in LA your time and attention.

This feature started as an homage to Edgar Wright’s movie The World’s End, wherein a group of estranged friends go on a 12-bar crawl to relive what one of them considered to be the high point in his life. We set out to find bars that were close enough in proximity to each other that we could either walk to, or get driven to by our designated driver, in one night as a crazy fun-filled hurrah for our issue coming out on the week of St. Patrick’s Day. While twelve bars would have been ideal, to keep our adventure in line with the movie, we felt it would have been impractical to go to twelve places in one night. Thus, we decided to have two beers a bar, at six bars, to compensate for not going to all twelve locations. As we went to each bar, we rated them by six different criteria: Batmosphere (How dark was the interior of the bar), What’s on TV (sports or general tv), Price, Drink Selection, and Bartender (quality of service and attentiveness). The quotes in bold are what we thought of each place while drunk, with a sober explanation underneath each quote.

Cover by Connor O’Brien Art Director Words & Photos by Marco Beltran Managing Editor & Connor O’Brien Art Director

Keep crawling to read more

Feature

Luck of the Crawl

7

8 Feature

V Room

Red Room

The Pike

This bar was probably our favorite, which should have been an indication of how the rest of the night would go. It’s small, as is the parking lot, which would probably be a hassle if you walked in during a busier time than we did. Despite this, everyone there is surprisingly welcoming. It’s probably best to go early if you’re in the area and looking for a place to share some drinks with some out-of-town friends.

It’s worth going here for the drink specials alone—an assortment of beer shots and a shot of whisky are $6. They also have a big selection of hard liquors, which Connor called “hip-hoppy, P. Diddly” vodkas. The bartender asked if we were out of town, so we both wondered if we

We walked in to the Red Room early enough to get seats at the bar, a rare occurrence at this cramped dive, and ordered two goose drinks. We didn’t bother to write the name down, so if you’re ever there, get the goose, because it’s probably the best beer at the Red Room. There are too many stools to sit comfortably next to a person without bumping knees.

The Red Room is probably the best place to take a dump because it has short double doors that provide a small bit of cover as you beer poop your guts out.

We didn’t realize that there would be so many people at this bar when we picked it on our route. Luckily, and unluckily as the waitstaff was way too busy to see us sitting there without drinks, we were able to find a table by the exit. Avoid this place on Friday nights if you don’t like bumpin’ stinkies with people. Marco threw up a little in the bathroom because “the pee wasn’t coming out fast enough to make room for more beer.” Dumb decision on our part was purchasing beers with high alcohol content, so by this bar we were starting to turn into sloppy papis.

just looked like douches.

he was way too busy telling his “sick story, dude” to catch my order like a

Price Service Selection What’s on TV? Batmosphere

“49er-golddigger-candyass talks a lot.”

We talked to a drunk man named John about corneal transplants for thirty minutes. John lost sight in his right eye after piercing it on the edge of a fridge while trying to shut a garage door one Superbowl weekend six years ago.

“Toilet seat looks like neo-nazi prison face tattoo, powdered soap also like prison.”

The facilities were covered in feeling the owner saw the abuse the customers were giving the bathroom and said, “If you’re going to treat my b-room like a prison, I’ll make grossest toilet I’ve seen, but it is the most racially charged one.

“Bartender looks like someone that’s living on a boat.”

I’m attempting to be less of a judgy asshole, but I know people that live

The counter had a pretty thorough coating of stickiness, which was surprising since the bartender had the longest rag ever hanging out of his pants. If he did come straight from the ocean, that would explain lemon in my drink.

“Lots of texters, Led Zep skaters, and loneliest mens.”

To our left were a bunch of people sitting next to each other, probably instagramming something with #skateordie or #bowelsofdogtown in it. To our right, we saw some of the saddest guys that looked like they came straight out of Tim Allen’s Old Dogs. I bet they were just sad because they sat in some really sticky seats.

“Marco forgot to tip the nice lady-bartender from V Room.

Booooo Marco.”

Sorry, Namaste.

“Shirty loud average evlis band rock.”

All the guys in this band looked like emaciated Elvises. They played I can only guess were Elvis songs. If you don’t understand what drunk me meant by “shirty,” I meant “shitty.”

“Bleak bathroms, skimpy uhohs.”

The bathrooms in Pike Bar were surprisingly clean. The reason for the cleanliness was the fact that there was no door to the toilet, therefore, it was hardly used. What kind of animal can poop in those circumstances? What kind of backalley curry would someone have to eat to need to go to the bathroom that bad? Sheesh, get a door. As for the “skimpy uhohs,” on three separate occasions, I saw a skantily clad lady fall down in the labyrinth leading to the bathrooms.

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Fern’s is dark. That’s probably the nicest thing we came up with to say about it. There’s one wall that’s covered in stretched and skewed photos of punk bands, probably another reason why it’s so dark. The bartender was a little unhelpful at look at the taps while knowing full well that they were out of certain beers and that some weren’t available the day we went, but I think her lack of attentiveness was due to the fact that she was the only bartender serving people at time.

Then again, there were only about six people there at the time, c’mon lady.

“Lots of incense to cover up Dead body? Farts?”

Fern’s had incense all over the place.

In some nooks, like by the toilet, the incense was warranted, but having three on the bar less than two feet from each other is too much.

“Bathroom smells like the Devil’s sewage, other one look like Hellos Kitty nightmares.”

We visited the bathroom copious amounts of times as we continued through our night. One thing we didn’t see until Fern’s was a choice.

Fern’s had a men’s and a unisex bathroom. The men’s was a wretched place. The smell was a thick, viscous smog, and the bathroom door had no lock and looked like it was spackled with shit and then painted over.

The unisex bathroom was a dream compared to the men’s. It was well lit, clean, had working faucets, and the bonus incense stick to cover any doo-doo smell.

Alex’s

We almost left Alex’s because there was a cover. Both of us had spent $40 already, and we were already pretty drunk, but we went in anyway. There were lots of people here too. This bar is a little more accommodating for large crowds. Also, it’s really dark.

I guess we never realized how dark bars are, since we have never gone to more than two in one night. Ordering drinks was hard because we turned into meek assholes while trying to ask for drinks, so the bartenders ignored us for what seemed like the longest We huddled in a corner, stumbling over words, and tried to have a conversation about something that probably wouldn’t make sense anyway over everyone else’s conversations in the bar. By this time, our pee cycles had synced and we were both going to the redwalled bathrooms around the same time. Lots of cigarettes and peeing.

“Any too crowded, Busty, Good people just too.”

Alex’s Bar was busy as heck, and you will need to make the choice if this is the place for you. What our drunk selves were trying to say was, it was very crowded and busy. The crowd may have been packed in there like cattle, but they were some pretty nice people.

“Whitty derisive only gerls.”

Honestly, we cannot even try and decipher what we meant when we said this.

“Yikes yokederci.”

We faintly remember yelling this as we left Alex’s. No clue what it means, but think of it as our take on “Seacrest Out.”

Feature

Fern’s

Note We went to a sixth bar and each drank two drinks. We have no memory of this. We can infer that it was in Long Beach and was probably ok, but in the state we were in, no bar is as nice as a warm bed and a good sleep. So lets just say it sucked compared to sleeping.

Outro When I was younger, I abhorred all alcohol culture and the idea of getting drunk. My dad was an alcoholic for most of my life, and seeing him in that state tarnished any glamorization of alcohol ingrained in my mind from movies and culture. So, I created a mental aversion to things like sharing drinking with friends at a party because, at the back of my mind, there was always this little voice saying, “Don’t become your father, don’t turn into him.” All through college, I kept these self-imposed morals and used them not to validate my existence as a straightedge person, but to show myself that I wasn’t going to become my dad. It was a solid fear to have, though shortsighted, but it was also a stupid thing to think on my part because my dad, despite his shortcomings while I was growing up, is a good guy now. Then I tried alcohol just for the hell of it. There wasn’t some big philosophical change, I actually mouthed the sip, and I felt great. I was calmer

and attempted to articulate, far from my normal stuttery self. So, as a shy person, I drank when I got nervous or when I was surrounded by people I didn’t know just to relax.

Because I dismissed the notion that succoming to this disease was a part of me, I fell into a cycle of drinking in excess every couple of days which eventually spiraled into me embarrassing myself several times in front of people that I looked up to that I can now never look in the eyes. After nursing a string of hangovers, something clicked in my head that caused me to make a change in my life.

At this point you’re probably asking yourself why a person would submit himself to a feature in which they are forced to drink ridiculous amounts of beer, and I’d agree with you that it was a dumb idea on my part, but I kind of want to experience those older times again to see if I still agreed with the decision I’d made. To be honest, I think I’m okay with doing the occasional beer with a meal thing. It’s expensive and after six or seven beers it becomes a chore.

Drink soda. It’s just as bad, but not

10 Campus

Meet the Candidates The Union Damon Dunn:

who is now trying to break into the world

high school level and beyond, and using community, educational, and public resources together to achieve those goals.

Dunn seems to be a more conservative on cultural and creative industries. He

Bonnie Lowenthal

Damon Dunn

Long Beach Police Department, and the local

Michael Wood Music Editor a Democrat to a Republican to—recently—

The Long Beach mayoral race is beginning arts, and planned economic development, moving into the home stretch and a debate taking place on campus this Wednesday

economy to a creative economy, using taxes on economic development to support the burgeoning artistic community in Long

redevelopment districts.

business experience to bring prosperity to Long Beach. He also believes that college

and initiatives and attempting to coalesce impact and accessibility throughout the city.

Gerrie Schipske:

Robert Garcia:

the Long Beach 5th district, encompassing college student, he earned a PhD in Higher on a candidate to throw your support behind Union are doing

Garcia taught communications courses

Doug Otto:

Democrat Doug Otto (pictured below) is a

Bonnie Lowenthal: Lowenthal (pictured above) is an instantly

quality rarely seen in political candidates, Long Beach Post. Garcia is

others we have mentioned, but he stands

because he helped serve the city under

introduce more openness regarding collective bargaining practices with unions that do business with the city, promote disaster preparedness, and open the Long

and an experienced attorney who is now with local politics would transmit positive

Newsom have both endorsed Garcia.

Garcia is in many ways similar to

other local governments, thus increasing revenue by allowing them to use the on the more mundane improvements quantitative look at it, drawing comparisons between Long Beach and other similarly

improving sidewalks, roads, and trees

Governor Jerry Brown, whom she cited as a He cites our lower graduation rates and on technology and transparency rather than

centering

around

science,

technology,

is intrinsic,” Lowenthal claims, “but it is also Long Beach and the university partnership relevant to universities throughout the state, she has sponsored legislation to outlaw the

asks universities to make clear that people incapacitated by drugs and alcohol cannot consent to a sexual encounter. Bonnie

also values the arts and hopes to give tax breaks to cultural institutions so that they would be drawn to Long Beach, and he hopes to capitalize on tourism, combining an increased

sidewalks adjacent to their homes.

Long Beach breakwater to draw more tourists to our beaches. Garcia also emphasizes LGBT rights and has required all private contractors doing business with the city to provide the would to married couples. With lower taxes, increased tech investment, and an emphasis on Garcia seems to suggest an equally viable yet Long Beach economically prosperous.

Doug Otto

11

o y d n a . . .

Campus

! e m r o f e t o v d l u o h s u Sierra Patheal Campus Editor

Meet Joe & Nayiri

Meet Team AKA we do, and we care about the students,”

probably heard about dinosaur cloning, study abroad is pretty impossible.” That

explained, when asked to summarize the

people, and we take our jobs very seriously, These aspects shone through during an

restructuring the parking ticket structure so

heads on this campus—then the potential brainpower is amazing.”

as the three candidates explained their goals

get around to it.”

Nayiri explained

that

their

entire

middle), a third year Finance and Human Resource Management major, summarized her commitment to the students by explaining,

perspective to student government. “I started

and her current work supports this as well: Beta, which is a sorority whose mission is to inspire young girls and build strong women.”

empowering students,” Joe explained. “For students and make[s] sure the student voice

specialized marketing campaign, restructured teamwork and hopes her experiences will help

terms, and she was a student delegate with had experience [mentoring and interacting with] young women, because it allows me to

students who are willing to represent the underrepresented—LGBTIQ+ students, undocumented students, and various ethnic and cultural groups.” Due to this diversity,

their needs as individuals, and help them in a way that really settles those needs.” having “experience and a true passion that [she plans] to use every day...in order to working relationships with administrators

were those Joe and Nayiri saw working hard is improving the individual, personal

(pictured right), a third year Business and

they served. the summer, so whoever is elected to the

about the student opinions, because we need to be meeting with the president over and over again so that she remembers students

[students] are given every single opportunity

important,” Joe continued. “No matter what pay child support, and when my parents lost their jobs, I ended up working to make up

with several local hospitals and a battered

concluded, “is making sure that students know

that point as her “peak workaholic moment,”

they can turn to and address those issues.

share something in common with me.” as honest, genuine people. Everything we say biggest goal is to make good on that promise.”

12 Entertainment

All Boys Club Sukisyo is an anime worth checking out Jennifer Cierra Staffer Sukisyo is an anime that knows its tropes.

Sukisyo

Sukisyo

Sukisyo is perhaps not the Sukisyo

Sukisyo is a

Blowin’ in the Wind The Wind Rises marks the end of a legend

My Neighbor Totoro Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind Spirited Away

The Wind

The Wind Rises

The Wind Rises

Rises The Wind Rises

Wind

The Wind Rises

The Wind Rises

Maria Morales Contributor

13 Music

Fake Your Breakup My long-term romance with MCR Shereen Lisa Dudar Opinions Editor

MCR5 they are the best, even when they become reminding them to never compromise who Romance, so I know how to do these two After The Black Parade Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys—a May Death Never Stop You, their greatest hits

(March 22nd) is the one-year anniversary

The Black Parade and

I Brought You My Bullets, You Brought Me Your Love

Frozen in Our Memory Disney Delivers (Yet Again) Nadia Fonseca Contributor On March 2nd, Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Roberto Lopez’ nominated song “Let Frozen took home the Academy Award for Best to achieve this, Lopez has won an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony award in his the Frozen

Her,

showed how amazing the Academy Award winning song is in her performance of “Let It accepting her powers as she is singing the

pre-order shirt is one of the shittiest things

14 Culture

Weekend in New Orleans Different perspectives of a trip down south Words and Photos by Alex Berman Staffer

Words and Photos by David Hayter Staffer

This week, our contributors were inspired by the “Luck of the Irish” and wrote two stories about good and bad luck. We hope you can at least relate to the former, but if you relate to the latter, we hope some good luck comes your way.

Tilted Conversations “I’m too pretty to die!”

“What? Shut up. Did you know you can have your dog cloned in Japan?”

“I’m going to take my meds and go to bed.”

“Well, you’re a downer.”

“I take after my mother.”

Kenzie picked the spandex out of her crotch and rolled over on her bed to look at me. “You are really pretty. It would be a shame for you to die prematurely.”

“This is the most inane conversation we’ve ever had.”

“I thought we were mimicking sorority girls tonight.”

“I gave up on that after you got that frat guy’s number in the dining hall.”

“Heh. Like he would know what to do with me anyway.”

I sat up and adjusted my neon shirt that over my head.

“Hey! We aren’t done being clichés tonight.” Kenzie pouted, then looked at herself in the mirror. She pursed her lips into a duck face and tilted her head. “I should go to Josh’s room in these shorts and your shirt.

He would have a heart attack.”

“He’s captain of the math club and your lover. Yes, I’d have to agree.” threw them across the room. We lay there listening to Lorde’s The Love Club with the the window like a pedophile. Half naked in various degrees, we played shadows on the wall until the CD ended and a knock came to the door. the bed in her panties and cracked the door open, careful to preserve my modesty. Or what was left of it. I quickly shrugged into a pullover.

“Becks? You awake?” Ryan’s voice sauntered into the room like a snake, and I ran a hand through my hair.

“Yeah. Come in.”

Kenzie opened the door and laughed.

Ryan quickly looked away. “Uh, am I interrupting a strip tease?”

“Nah,” I patted the spot next to me, “we’re always sitting around naked talking to each other.”

“Doing homework,” Kenzie chimed in.

A Short Story by Camille Hove Staffer “Making cookie-dough-covered Oreos.”

He sat down next to me on my bed and picked at my hands. They were blistered over from rowing. “Sexy,” he said, and ran them against his face.

“Ha. As if.” I played the CD again, this time Lorde singing about boring people.

I couldn’t agree more. What was I doing, sitting here, letting this guy hold my scarred hands? I wanted to keep them to myself; they were for my use only. Hands are personal things, they can’t just be touched by anyone.

Kenzie noticed my expression change and put on her booty shorts again.“Hey Beck, let’s go sabotage the party downstairs. We can bring non-alcoholic jello shots!”

I laughed. This Friday night was turning from silly to serious, and I didn’t know if I could handle it. I suddenly wanted to get out of my head and onto the moon, or the lake, or be lost at sea. I didn’t want any of this.

“Ryan, I’ll see you tomorrow. Kenzie and “Aw, okay.” He let go of my hands. Finally.

“Project as in party?” His lips turned up at the corners and I looked away.

“Something like that.”

He picked up on my mood and stood up.

“All right. See ya.” He shut the door behind him.

Kenzie picked at her shorts; this time her butt was hanging out. She looked at her ass in the mirror. “I think they look good like this.”

“Those don’t look good on anyone but before I puke.”

She chuckled. “Come on, Becks. Don’t take everything so seriously. Sure, everything sucks right now, but it’ll get better.” She threw a bag of Oreos at me. “When you’re sad, remember that you’re not in a sorority and be happy again.”

I looked at the picture of my recently deceased mother and nodded. “And that I’m not dead.”

She grinned. “Like you said: you’re too pretty to die.”

Rejuvenating Rain

A Short Story by Abigail Manares Contributor

The rain fell on the university like Zeus’ shower as students ventured through the campus, most not caring for an umbrella or hood. One student in particular accepted the rain, having prayed since the hot days of January to lessen the ongoing drought. It was only morning and rain seemed like her

Still morning and class was a good thirty minutes away. She was feeling pretty much awake.

What did she see as she passed through the quad? Those nice-looking sales vendors that were there every day. She could care less for clothes or custom-made jewelry. But when she spotted an Asian vendor selling cute chibi animals on keychains, it was a

that had been pushed to today. Not that she had been procrastinating, but she had to apply massive edits and little idea splices here and there. Worse, the item she ordered from Amazon had been delayed.

Though she was drowsy, she managed to drive quicker to the university lot than she anticipated. The rain may have represented depression to many, but to her it was a comfort. Like a cold hand reliquishing the

“How much for this one?” she asked the woman, pointing to a turquoise-colored hippo with 1920s Mickey Mouse eyes. Not only was it adorable, but it was the last one.

Last ones, according to “internet legend,” were considered a “sign of prosperity” to anyone who noticed them and bought at the chance.

an hour and a half with an instructor whose apathetic tone could lull even lions to sleep.

There was no point in trying to sleep with her eyes open once her class began. She would just stare aimlessly and try to focus.

Or maybe doodle in her Monster’s University notebook, formulate more random ideas for artwork over the weekend, and maybe come up with more short stories that would gain the popular media’s liking.

What’s even more fortunate was her Monster’s University backpack. It was sequined and plastic: able to stand the rain. blazing weeks. She presumed she’d be staying home all weekend warm with Ellen Degeneres videos on YouTube.

shower this morning, her hair drenched as if it had been under a faucet. She ventured into the familiar cafeteria as she did on a daily basis, knowing that she would walk past that never-ending line to Starbucks as always.

Another stroke of luck: no line! Best of all, the pastries in the glass case appeared to have more variety. Velvet cupcakes and cinnamon rolls were present! She quickly got in line and and bought one of everything.

She took a hearty bite out of the delicious red velvet cupcake, and its cream cheese frosting smothered across her lips like a mustache.

explained, pointing to the other ones that were much bigger. She then pointed to the hippo. “That one is just two.”

The girl smiled. “I’ll take him!”

Never mind the stares when the girl placed her little hippo pal protectively inside her zipped jacket. Its Mickey Mouse eyes stared aimlessly as she transported it away from her pocket as it enjoyed the ride.

Okay, good rain that’ll rid a drought.

Check. First time in forever ordering something from Starbucks. Check. Buying a good deal. Check. She looked up to see the rain decreasing. Another thing to be happy about. Check. It felt like the weekend already from the looks of it. She decided to head to class and wait. As soon as she made it to the bench beside her classroom’s door, she saw a note taped to it.

“Class cancelled due to instructor illness. Have a nice weekend.” a great day. So she may have come to campus for nothing, save for the tiny bits of paradise that came at every corner. She didn’t stop smiling as she came to her car, and noticed something placed on the windshield.

Oh, yes...

After all this, she was going to put her cold, sugar-inundated body to sleep.

Literature

Get Lucky

15

Volume 74 Issue 9

Monday, March 17, 2014

LBUNION.COM

DISCLAIMER: Hey, God Warrior Here. No, I’m not tryin to be rude, but hey, pretty girl, I’m feelin’ you. The way you do the things you do remind me of my Lexus coupe. That’s why I’m all up in yo’ grill, tryin’a get you to a hotel. You must be a football coach, the way you got me playin the field—so, baby, gimme that “Toot, toot!” Lemme give you that “Beep, beep!” Send your ’fro to 1212 Bellflower Blvd Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815. This page is satire/parody and does not represent ASI nor the CSULB campus. In R. Kelly’s name I toot-toot you submit bounce-bounce via email to grunion@lbunion.com.

News Briefs from Around Southern California or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Fallability of Humanity Northridge, CA: Communication

by God Warrior

Despite $100,000 in Student Debt

Los Angeles, CA:

Bixby Knolls,CA:

Department Claims Crime is Down 17% Due to “Buzzkill Friend” Program

Appear Intellectual Deemed a Failure

Julia Beaverdam, a recent graduate and

Newport Beach, CA: Local Man Unable to Sleep Without the Sound of Loud Corridos at Night

In Bixby Knolls today, Jared Brigham, 17,

brought massive declines in criminal mayhem, vandalism, speeding, petty

in communications could open up a

statement praising the initiative, saying

notes that assaults and murders have volume up to the maximum to compensate decline in crime has been coupled by a and murders, but victims are primarily

The Stranger and pretending to be deep in

they immediately cleaned up the backyard police departments themselves, citing

INSIDE