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All the NEWS THAT FITS”
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FEATURES Babies Making Double 22 Babies
Scientists that are also babies sucessfully By Tofu Grace
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Is the Union Weekly 4 Real with this? Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! By Joey Jo-Jo Junior Shabadoo
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The Prom Queen of Souls
Whitney Houston returns from the grave with some bloody good hits. By Dingle Burt
ROCK & ROLL 32 This New Band I Found on Spotify I forget the name but it’s really good. By Timothy Tooth
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The Rise and Fall of Def Lepers A group of ostricised lepers that changed the face of music today. By (Insert Author Name Here)
DEPARTMENTS
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Shitty Weekend at a Weird Beach Let me know what that article is about. I haven’t read it yet. By Miak Ernest
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Sex Scenes in Cinema Erotic stuff you should watch when your mom leaves for the store. By Peenus Travels
ON THE COVER
March 24, 2014
Photo of Whitney Houston performing post-mortem at the Roxy, by Moldi Shangles/Smarch. rottingscone.com
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“Everyone needs a little biscuit in their life.” — Gwen Stefani on the meaning of gravy and the fourth wall.
CRAZY NEON LIFE Ke$ha drops the American dollar sign and adopts the Australian dollar sign instead to increase her economic value and is now able to afford more glitter
ICE T AND COCO T’S BIG T IN TAHITI The couple vacays in French Polynesia to introduce from their bubble tea franchise. The Ts hope that this publicity will increase viewership of their show Ice Loves Coco in Tahiti.
BACK TO NATURE Lorde chills with Australian geckos to prepare for her newest gig as the Geico gecko.
A NEW WORLD ORDER Jay-Z and Drake discuss
to the Illuminati.
RACE ME TO HELL gender stereotypes by riding the newly released Simpson also hopes to bring awareness to teenagers that Toys R Us is still cool as he shops
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ONE AND APPARENTLY NOT THE SAME Jaden Smith reveals he and Willow are not the same person despite several studies proving they are.
ARMPITS GONE WILD for PETA on Instagram by showcasing her homegrown fur to be used in her new line of winter coats. The songstress also plans to donate some of her fur to
March 24, 2014
REVIEWS MUSIC
Dino-pimpin’ w/Bruno Mars’ New album Bruno Mars Cretaceous Period
The modern king of retro pop is back with the second release in his trio of animal-themed melodies, an only mildly misogynistic trip to the Cretaceous Period. Piano, xylophone, and full-symphony choral elements accompany the song’s eponymous master of the skies’ hunt for a mate, but even the most audacious musical sweeps are innocuous when compared with lyrics like, “Sweep down on you, swift sweep down.” We’re curious about the conclusion to Bruno’s “Gorillas”-and“Velociraptor” trio, but only to see whether he can actually get stranger than this.
Just the way you ROAR: Bruno Mars
Vampire Weekend ModernMermaids Of the City
Bada$$ Bernanke Fed Up
Selena Gomez Undisclosed 2016 Bruce Willis Movie Sountrack the Album
Only ten months after the release of their last studio album, Vampire Weekend releases Modern Mermaids of the City—prematurely. Songs like "Aqua Babe" contain random dolphin noises. Looks like they are taking the title of a song from their last album, "Diane Young"—a play on "dyin' young"—a little too seriously. That YOLOesque phrase is meant for spontaneous and ill-funded road trips, not releasing your next studio album.
After his stint as Chair of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke returns with his debut gangsta rap album Fed Up. Despite his inexperience in the rap world, his lyrics are more hardcore than Eurozone austerity measures. "Bitches just can't resist the temptation
Selena Gomez released her new single in response to public confusion regarding her reunion with longtime douchebag Justin Beiber. The song, entitled "Old Habits Die Hard," describes the pair's toxic relationship held together by excessive spending and cheap scandal. Said Gomez, "I mean, sometimes you need a little stupid in your life." Look for the song in her latest album: Undisclosed 2016 Bruce Willis Movie Soundtrack.
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are snippet off of ‘Adam Smith and Wesson.’" The most memorable track on his album is his R&B/rap duet with Drake entitled "Keynes to Your Heart.” This is the gold standard for rap today.
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HEADWATCH
Pharrell Williams
UNDER
PAID
for $44,100 hat Singer-songwriter Pharrel Williams made headlines in Rotting Scone earlier this month for the $44,100 sale of his “Grammys hat,” the oversized chapeau featured in the award-winning song “Happy,” to Arby’s. The proceeds from the sale went to Williams’ charity for at-risk youth, and both sides seemed happy with the deal; upon 1916 closer examination, however, it looks like Williams should probably have held out for a higher price. 1921 *All currencies reported have been converted to 2014 US dollars.
Six of the 26 pelts are sold to a country store in Louisville, Mississippi. Cost: $15 and the trader’s stubbed toe at the low price
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Two of the pelts are “carroted” into felt by factory workers in central Mississippi. Cost: $120 in wages and three deaths by mercury poisoning The felt is dyed to the famous “camel” color, then lost when the factory burns. Cost: $157 in dye and three camels
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The felt is found by an impoverished mother and moulded over soup pot into hat. Cost: Four days’ worth of soup that wouldn’t have existed anyway The hat is implicated in black market trading and causes the stock market to crash.
1929
Cost: The Great Depression
1936
2010
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Twenty-six beaver pelts are collected and sold to a cross-country trader. Cost: $1500 in supplies, $250 in lodging, and one trapper’s sanity
Late 1890s
Ashamed at its actions, the hat emigrates to England and goes into hiding. Cost: $1700 in ship fare and $25,000 in subsequent upkeep The hat is discovered by British designer Vivienne Westwood and forced into the “Happy” song, despite its continuing shame. Cost: $26,000 in slave labor
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Total Costs:
$54,742
Plus one person’s sanity, three deaths, one stubbed toe, three camels, and the Great Depression.
Arby’s got a deal.
March 24, 2014
ROCK&ROLL
Unarmed and Dangerous The story behind the band that fell apart before their limbs did By Miguel Madera
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f a single word could describe the story of Deaf Lepers, it would be “Yeah.” From their humble beginnings in a garage in Long Beach’s notorious Cossack District to that tore them apart, the common refrain among their legions of dedicated fans is “Yeah, that stuff happened.” Deaf Lepers started out as the brainchild of singer Julia Beaverdam, known as Katie Kaos to her friends, fans, and the justice system of the State of California. With the intention of starting the world’s first psychedelic nu-metal band, she found the help of friends Notorious XL (Guitarist), Ruby Sharpe (Bassist) and Pat Saint (Drummer) to make this dream into a reality. common background, with all of them coming from California’s most prominent leper colony, Riverside. By coincidence, they all met each other while in Long Beach seeking a better life and an escape from the prejudice of the desert. However, as they began practicing together, their leprosy deteriorated until their ears fell off. While most bands would give up at this critical juncture, Deaf Leper instead found the inspiration for their name and moved boldly ahead, playing shows throughout Southern California, and putting in their time on the local Long Beach scene. From the bottom of the local scene, playing DiPiazzas on Wednesday nights to the heights of glitz and glamor, playing DiPiazzas on Friday nights, their attitude was always optimistic and forward looking. But their time was limited. As Leper
March 24, 2014
Colony, Katie’s addiction began to take a toll on the band. Ruby Sharpe
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period “Katie loved to do this shit, where she’d just put a whole bunch of ice in her mouth and leave it there. She said it numbed her and it felt good; I can kind of understand that given the tough period she was going through, But her tongue was so numb and cold, she couldn’t even sing properly. By Leper Colony, she was just a mess.” On the day that Leper Colony hit stores to positively mediocre reviews, Katie Kaos had passed away in her sleep. She was found next to 10lb bag of ice, unconscious. The LA County coroner recorded the cause of death as “literal brain freeze,” however detectives have not ruled out homicide or discovered a motive in this cold case. Leper Colony work of Deaf Lepers, going on to sell nationwide, a total of 37 copies. Her bandmates agree that Katie would’ve loved to see the band succeed beyond their wildest expectations.
COLONIZE THIS (1) A shrine to the recently deceased Katie Kaos, otherwise known as Julia Beaverdam. Julia passed away 2 months ago today (2) A rowdy show in which the band’s guitarist Notorious XL threw his leprosy ridden hand into the audience
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Whitney’s Ghost
I WILL
ALWAYS HAUNT YOU America’s queen of soul returns from the grave to speak to us about her career, her aspirations and what it’s like to be a ghost
JWEEB JWORMPH Earlier this month, the Earth stood still when it discovered that Whitney Houston had been resurrected. The formerly deceased diva has returned in the form of an apparition. Since her untimely passing in 2012, Houston has missed a lot, but she is determined to make a triumphant return with a superstar comeback. We were intrigued and curious to discover what Houston had planned, so we sat down with her spirit and discussed her latest artistic endeavors. know, being a ghost and all,”
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explained Houston. “But after you exit the Phantom Realm, things become much easier. I’ve mastered my levitation skills and I’ve learned to adapt to my unique semi-existence.” It was nearly impossible to keep a straight face during the interview,
eating. Without any options left, I went to Necronomicon.com and learned that I had to suck the life force out of children in order to avoid becoming a malnourished ghost. Sucking someone’s soul is as simple as sucking the smoke from a pipe.”
physical and metaphysical laws truly perplexed us. We could not understand how a spirit could survive without nurturing from the material world. “For
foray since returning hasn’t been in music, but an attempt to appear in another Hollywood movie. “I was offered a part in the newest Ghostbusters movie, but everything fell through once Harold Ramis passed. It was disappointing.” Despite this setback, Houston is optimistic.
starving. I did not know that I needed sustenance to survive. I
March 24, 2014
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Whitney’s Ghost
WE BARELY KNEW YE (1) Houston sings for her eternal life at the National Society of Ghouls and Ghoulettes (2) Glowing with pride and a ghostly aura, Houston sings her lesser-known hit, “I’m Hiding In Your Basement.”
“I’ve communicated with a few of the phantoms in the Phantom Realm to help Ramis traverse the boundless spirit universe. He should be back in a year or so to continue the production.”
W
e were excited to hear that Houston has plans
that she doesn’t want to give her music career another go. We asked her why she was focusing on acting and diverting her talent away from music. “I’ll get to it eventually. Sometimes when I’m bored, I
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ghostwrite songs for people. But, there’s this void and that’s why I don’t want to go back into music so soon. Ever since I made The Bodyguard with Kevin Costner, my entire career has been downhill. Everyone sings that fucking song from the movie, and it’s so annoying. They even sang it at my funeral. And, yeah, I know that it’s a great song, but I’ve been so much more than that,” said Houston. “But, I’m thinking of piggybacking off the namesake and releasing the sequel to the song entitled, “I Will Always Haunt You.” I’m
thinking of including my ghostly friends, like Michael Jackson, Otis Redding, and Ghostface Killa. We entertained the thought of having the Godfather of Soul, James Brown, make an appearance, but past experiences taught me that it’s best to avoid singers with the last name of Brown. Here’s looking at you, Rihanna.” In conclusion, the ghost of Whitney is currently haunting the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. This was an agreement she made with the producers of Cinderella prior to her death.
“Here’s looking at you, Rihanna.” March 24, 2014
CHARTS iTUNES TOP 10 SONGS
COLLEGE RADIO TOP 10 ALBUMS
1 Avenged Seinfeld
1 Avenged Seinfeld
Top 40 Albums 1
Trill
2 PyNZ Columbia
3 4 5
Kevin Tran Stamp The Experience Sony/Universal Jack Gray Capitol
Jabba Script Hungry Heart Prospect Park
Trill
Trill
Avenged Seinfeld
6
2 Avenged Seinfeld
2
Trill
TR@$H Columbia
3 Kevin Tramp Stamp
Babes in Arms Warner Bros.
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3 Avenged Seinfeld
9
Syco
Geffen
6 RCA
7
14 15
Barky Bark
Fantasy
16
8
Lava/Republic
Artium
RCA
17
Def Jam/ Mexican Summer
9
9
RCA Reprise
Young Money/Cash Money
Pump It Mexican Summer
Motown
8
Hollywood
13
Team Lava/Republic
7
Geffen
12
Patriarch
Young Money/Cash Money
6
10 11
5
5
Gary Streamline
4
4
Kramer Sugar
Geffen
Trill
The Experience Sony/Universal
19/RCA
7
18
Streamline
Artium
Republic Nashville
10
10 4 Beards/EMI Nashville
19
My 501s Republic Nashville
From the Vault
Artium
20
Syco
21 Republic Nashville
22 Disturbing tha Peace/Capitol
23 Matriarch
24 4 Beards/EMI Nashville
25 Sony/Universal
26 27
Def Jam
Bada$$ Bernanke Young Money/Cash Money
28 29 30
Babes in Arms
Merge RCA Kidinakorner/Interscope
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Avenged Seinfeld
32
Avenged Seinfeld
Trill Trill
33 34
Ariola
American Bada$$
Monkeywrench
35
RCA
36 Roadrunner
Fed Up
37 Duck/Reprise
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Virgin
Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union Weekly, not ASI or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will
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have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly
March 24, 2014
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What Am I? Interscope BBC/Apple/Capitol
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Jennifer Cierra
M/M Romance with Heart www.jennifercierra.com