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5:00PM on Monday, February 24, 2014.
Issue 74.4
4
Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union Weekly, not ASI or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the
“I wanna 8-bit that pixel-poon.” Connor O’Brien, Managing Editor
Rose Feduk, Editor-in-Chief
editorinchief@lbunion.com
Marco Beltran, Managing Editor
marcob.union@gmail.com
Connor O’Brien, Managing Editor
connor.union@gmail.com
Eric Garcia, Advertising Exec
advertising@lbunion.com
Shereen Lisa Dudar, Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com
Alfred Pallarca, Culture Editor culture@lbunion.com
Sierra Patheal, Campus Editor campus@lbunion.com
Molly Shannon, Food Editor food@lbunion.com
Michael Wood, Music Editor music@lbunion.com
Connor O’Brien, Art Director connor.union@gmail.com
Roque Renteria, Entertainment Editor entertainment@lbunion.com
Truc Nguyen, Web Manager web@lbunion.com
Alyssa Keyne, Literature Editor literature@lbunion.com
God Warrior, Grunion Editor grunion@lbunion.com
Assistant Editor: Sam Winchester
Follow us @UnionWeekly
Contributors: Chrissy Bastian, Nicolaus Coleman, Claire DeWilde, Paloma Rubio, Lauren MacIntyre, Donald Souza, Robert Turner, James Goldmann, Sophia Zarders, David Hayter, Camille Hove, Claudia Rodriguez, Kiya Wilson, Alia Sabino, Ana Guillen, Janna Jesson, Geno Mehalik, Matthew Vitalich, Irene Rufuerzo, Rebecca Komathy, Trisha Davis, Renee Schmiedeberg.
Questions? Comments? Chris Colfers?
LBUnion.com
Rose and the Mustache of Courage Rose Feduk Editor-in-Chief I’ve only been on one real date before, and maybe there’s a reason for it. It was a weird, uncomfortable experience that began with the fact that I didn’t even know it was a date. Running on the high that I had actually gotten the balls—so to speak—to ask an attractive member of the opposite sex to join me on what I framed as a “hangout,” I didn’t actually stop to consider that it might actually be a date. And I suppose it was—there was food, ambient lighting, and an active desire to not fill the silences with an anecdote about how you haven’t shaved your armpits for a week now. Unfortunately the night ended with me swiftly dodging a gaping mouth kiss and making something up about needing to go home to finish homework (because who does that on a Thursday anyway?) Luckily dating isn’t something that I have to deal with on the regular, in part because I’m happily in a long-term relationship, but for a lot of students and faculty on campus it is. It’s no wonder that people flock to the Internet rather than actually engage an attractive individual in person—there’s minimal danger of receiving an ugly, open mouth kiss
Long Beach, CA 90815.
2/11 Union Weekly Open Meeting ||
E-mail: info@lbunion.com
2/12 Farmer’s Market || 2/13 Lovely Jams Concert ||
through a computer screen. As the media might point out, kisses are the least of your potential worries. Online dating has been sensationalized as a danger zone where no one is really who they say they are. The documentary Tallhotblond shows the horrible unfolding of an Internet love triangle where the young man ended up being a 47-year oldman, and the 18-year-old he thought he was schmoozing was actually her poorlyaging mother. As terrifying as that is, it’s good to know that most online dating sites are full of guys that wear cargo shorts and women who own at least one pair of Crocs. Well, that’s the rumor, at least. This week’s feature seeks to shed some light on the whole dang thing. In other news, I had a dream where I had grown a full, Ron Swanson-esque mustache, (hence the illustration above) most likely implying either something about my increased virility or that I feel insecure about my upper lip. Send your “in other news” stories to info@lbunion. com or tweet that stuff @Unionweekly. Happy reading and make sure to check out the dates below to find out the places where the Union staff will be lurking.
4 Opinions
“... I’m alarmed that the number of women in politics is progressing at a horrifyingly low rate. ”
Shattering Ceilings Conoley is a sign that times are changing, slowly Molly Shannon Food Editor On January 29th, Cal State Long Beach
—better late than
20%—
Me, Myself, and Eyre If you love yourself, you’re never alone Irene Refuerzo Contributor
more than 80% of my body covered up and
—
Jane Eyre
Jane Eyre by Charlotte
5 Opinions
POINT/COUNTERPOINT Should students pass the ASI fee increase?
Matthew Vitalich Contributor
up in the air at the moment with no certain
Geno Mehalik Contributor
—
—
or— —
The thing about getting older, though,
—
6 Campus
“I mix it all together into a wild collage, and my own acting and performing in it is also partially a transgender performance...”
A Box Full of Robbers German performance artist Bridge Markland brings Schiller, Lady Gaga, and Barbie’s boyfriend to CSULB
Sierra Patheal Campus Editor “I can’t stand in front of a classroom and lecture about Schiller,” Bridge Markland explains, referring to the way she works through the classic German dramas in her art. “I’m not an academic. Instead, I throw myself into the works like I would a swimming pool, immersing myself in them and going through them with my own creative process.” The results of that creative process are impressive, to say the least. Markland’s performances meld classic German literature with pieces of global culture, over a century of pop music, and her own artistic style, which draws on everything from a formal education in gymnastics and dance to a specialty in transgender performances. Robbers in the Box, which she will be performing at CSULB on Tuesday evening, is based on German playwright Friedrich Schiller’s The Robbers, a
art is much the same way: an experience, from which she expects viewers to draw their own individual conclusions rather than complying with some overarching theme or dictate. The Union had the opportunity to sit down with Bridge Markland and discuss her upcoming performance at CSULB.
writing ban for its author (which Schiller promptly proceeded to ignore for the rest
Wagner, which of course wasn’t written for Apocalypse Now Vietnam and Wagner is playing.
corrupt aristocrats, and the proverbial with revolutionary overtones and a cast of Markland’s work draws on all of those tensions, creating a performance that contains enough allusions, both esoteric and everyday, to provide a reference for everyone but still refuse to divulge its full picture to anyone. As Markland comments, viewers have to “make an instant choice” and say to themselves, “I’m going to take this and this much, and that’s okay, I can leave now.” Laughing as she gestures expansively, she explains, “One will never grasp everything that life, the world, the universe has to offer.” Her
UW: Tell me about Robbers in the Box. Puppets and classic German literature—how does that work? BM: Well, I’m not only adding puppets to a classic. I’m also adding pop music, from a the term “pop music” really wide here. I’m — and some Western classics from Ennio Morricone, an Italian composer who, lives in Rome, in Italy, and [has worked with] a
have the reference to the classic song by Wagner, but you also have the reference that you’ve seen that movie. In addition,
of people know The Robbers, but not many people actually know the content…), and toys, like Barbie and Ken dolls, and a lot of other toys that people recognize. I mix it all together into a wild collage, and my own acting and performing in it is also partially a transgender performance, which is what transgender performance drag show, sort of. The whole show, which is a little over 90 minutes long, is lip-synced... I invite actors to the sound studio, and they give me
and I tape them, and then the sound engineer, who has to be a musician as well, and I make a collage with the actors’ voices and the pop music. UW: How do you choose the songs? BM: We take clips of the music—sentences and bits that correspond with the theatre piece. That’s a months-long research project that I do before I ever invite the actors to the studio. I go through the texts of the songs again and again and again and again, looking for clues, for those emotional little kicks that happen to me when I read it. For instance, when I’m reading how the nasty brother Karl, songs come to mind during this
using puppets, and in this piece, I decided to use mostly Ken dolls. In Germany, Barbie dolls are pretty important, but performing in the United States, I can already see that the cultural reference to Barbie and Ken is much more intense than it is in Germany. So, I’m playing around with a lot of a classical piece that lots of people have heard about (although in Germany, lots
want to have anything to do with him, and he tries to seduce her. He’s actually willing to rape her, even; the piece is pretty explicit.
for example, the Phantom of the Opera and Rammstein. Rammstein is very resourceful for a lot of nasty lyrics. If you portray special, nasty characters who have powerful, bad
amazing to put Rammstein there. There’s actually around 157 songs; I totally overloaded the piece with music. Some of my fans have said, “That’s totally too much! Can’t you do less music? It’s too much for us!” They had seen some of the pieces I had done before. They are correct in the way, but other people say, “Ah, we just let it go; we can never grasp everything, and it’s actually so rich you can see it many times and there are always new facets.” UW: What do you hope CSULB students will take away from your performance? BM: English-speaking pop music has even a much larger importance on popular culture here [than in Germany], in America particularly. This is a really interesting mix for me, putting that German classic culture amongst the popular pop music culture and also those Barbie and Ken dolls, for example—it’s a very interesting mix with lots of layers. How does Celine Dion correspond with Schiller’s Amalia, for example? This is going to be interesting. I’m totally interested how the students will react what they’re going to say. I’ll throw myself in there again, with all my passion, and we’ll see what happens.
Bridge Markland will perform Robbers in the Box on February 11th from 7 - 9pm in the University Theatre. The performance is free, but reservations are required. Email jeffrey.high@csulb.edu to RSVP.
Once upon a time, when you asked Although the idea might still the common answer was a palpable be young and somewhat too place, a setting that they could
all heard that sweet story about how our parents met or how your best happy to call him my ex, it was still a had to go to your nearest bookstore,
cliche always stands true: there are
and drown out your body odor with
what you want is a random hook up,
Nowadays
with
the
internet, which is cool, but probably not the
networking sites, it has become
dating experiment started collecting the date data last semester in hopes it comes to meeting people online is that that the longer they tried it, the you could be scammed and meet some
apps like Tinder and Grindr or sites like OKCupid, Craigslist, or Christian
Alfred Pallarca Culture Editor
Connor O’Brien Art Director
Union Staff
Feature
Digital Love
7
8 Feature
Match.com Roque Renteria 21 / Male / Straight / Single Long Beach, California Entertainment Editor
Interests Tons of ill shit THE BLADERUNNER FONT Pooch Smooch
About Photos Chat I went with Match.com in hopes a cassanova in some sort of lurid liaison. Originally, I signed up with eHarmony.com, but eHarmony Apparently, eHarmony stresses the values of Judeo-Christian theology. After I had my computer exorcised, picture was a photo of me wearing a jacket and tie, so I would create the appearance of a respectable young gentleman. Next, I made sure to include all of my interests.
Smut
This included: movies, books, philosophy, jokes, and having pseudo-intellectual conversations while enjoying a delicious cup of partner compatibility test as broadly as possible, so that I may have the best shot of actually talking the etiquette. I was reluctant to message women because I didn’t I discovered that it is customary for the male to initiate the mating call (I learned this while watching a National Geographic special on lions). I messaged a few ladies and
got few to no responses. To be fair, most of the women on here are in their early to mid-30s, and do not want to date a young specimen like myself; they want commitment. I did manage to go on one actual date with a girl I met on here. It was became of that sit down. Alas, my search was not fruitful, but I did learn that in about 10 years or so, I will be a hot commodity on Match, after everyone’s escapades end and when women are looking for someone to settle down with.
Tinder.com John Villanueva 22 / Male / Straight / Single Long Beach, California Union Alumn
DateMySchool.com Shereen Lisa Dudar
Interests Drummin’ Jammin’ Dat Bootie
20 / Female / Straight / Taken Long Beach, California Opinions Editor
Interests Whoopsies Smooches Food
About Photos Chat DateMySchool is a dating app/ website that targets college students and alumni. I figured that would mean that the people on there would be smart or have intellectual things to say, but the conversation was pretty comparable to an awkward blind date. Within my four months on the site, I chatted with some cuties, got hit on by some weirdos, and had a lot of conversations stop after “Hey, how are you?” because the physical attraction just wasn’t there. Sorry,
himself as my rival because he went to CSU Fullerton. He proceeded to tell me he was a mammal. That conversation ended quickly. A dentist told me he liked my smile
About Photos Chat Venturing into the online dating sphere of Tinder, I had very few expectations. Maybe some sex, maybe a conversation concerning
Panky
and then thanked me for making his day by showing up on planet Earth. Is that sweet? It seemed pretty desperate to me. I feel like I came into the online dating world pretty critical, and, although I was constantly laughing at the stupid messages I received, there were moments when I genuinely smiled at my screen. If you’re seriously considering online dating, DMS is a good place to start. There are a lot of guys in the SoCal area that are cute, smart, and funny. Just remember, nothing in life is free, including love, so the site will try to get you to pay after a while. Using the app as opposed to the website is a loophole because it allows you to interact with people without being harassed to subscribe.
of a post-op lifestyle, maybe the opulent lifestyle of the soon-tobe deceased grandmother who was yearning for one last touch. Honestly, as much as I was hoping for that grandmother, I really did not expect to take away anything from this whole online experience. Yet, what I found there was much different, and quite a surprise actually. Just kidding, I found none of that life-altering bullshit. There were sexy things to be had and a lot of conversations with older black women, which made me feel greatthat a very white Asian kid from San Diego could attract so many worldweary sistas who no doubt knew the ways of the world. I met quite a few women, not in real life of course; that would be weird. We messaged each other through the app, regaling each other with stories
Booty
from the Orient and our favorite sausages; the basics. I did manage to meet a couple of these women face to face, which was cool, if going to random neighborhoods where you could totally be murdered because you were thinking with your dick is cool. In truth, in the deep downs of my heart soul, I didn’t really enjoy myself. True, it was easy would sort of tickle my fancy, but it felt like a shallow existence, an attraction pieced together by screenshots rather than true interest. I know that’s the point, but the entire process seemed and completely threw me out of my element. For now I believe I’ll stick with women introducing me to their boyfriends in public, rather than passive-aggressive shadethrowing on the web. Sidenote: If there are any single, older black women in the area, you know what to do.
9 Feature
OkCupid.com Chrissy Bastian 23/ Female / Straight / Single Long Beach, California Contributor
Interests Lots of goofs Recorders Reading
About Photos Chat
Hugs
Online dating for me was a mix of job and torture. I dreaded every time my phone chimed with a
three times every time there was an awkward pause in the conversation and laughed at every little thing.
was “no secrets guy,” who asked me if I was a virgin after two days of texting. He didn’t understand
who believed that since I was a Scorpio I must be passionate and great in bed. He was jealous that I was going to Halloween Horror nights with a guy friend. We hadn’t even talked on the phone yet or gone on a date. What was there to be jealous about? Every guy I talked to was quick to ask for my number and even quicker to ask me on a date. I’m sorry, but with all the horror stories about sex offenders and
privacy and secrets. Then there was the “Christian guy with a PJ fetish,” who bragged about being involved with his church but every night asked me what I was wearing. (He the phone with “obnoxious laugh guy,” who would repeat my name
OkCupid.com Katie Healy 24 / Female / Straight / Single Dublin, Ireland Union Alumn
Interests Literature Gold Mars
About Photos Chat Smooch “Hey, wut r u doin’ tonight,” “So sexy,” “I’m not over the manwhore phase. Is that a dealbreaker?” “Am I too old for you? Plz tell me I can take it,” and “You’re such a nerd. Where you’r pocket protecter?” Misspellings, typos, creepy messages, and creepy men made up 90% of my experiences on OkCupid. Online dating, especially on than normal dating: you have to wade through mountains of crap in
if you don’t know what you want, at For example, through online dating I discovered that I’m more of a grammar snob than I originally thought, or that the majority of people don’t bother writing properly. At least it made it easy to eliminate potential dates. Besides the obvious onenight-standers, I knocked out the guys who didn’t even bother spelling out “you.” They give the impression of not caring, which
is not an attractive quality in a date. Other people I’m sure have different tastes than mine. In the end, it’s for the 10% of decent people I exchanged messages with that I’d try online dating again, but don’t try to convince me to pay money to access men with bad grammar, like on Match.com. It’s like paying cover for a dive bar in a crowded city. There’s no point when the bar
murders on the web, I’m going to be a little cautious before I agree to meet with you. If you don’t want a lot of messages waiting for you, be diligent when conversing online; otherwise you’ll spend hours attempting to answer all of them and end up entertaining losers like I did. In the end, I would try online dating again, but this time I would only converse with those I really liked. And I still would be hesitant to go on a date so quickly. If it is meant to be, what is waiting a few weeks or a month before jumping in?
10 Literature
That’s What She Said “Let’s do it in the back.”
The Closet
silvery metal torture devices.” He held up his hands and followed
Getting the Green Finger
By Camille Hove Contributor
putting another object into your mouth just to get something else into your mouth.” He patted Boba Fett on the head as he walked by. “You’re really big.”
Ana Guillen Contributor
Illustrations by Claire DeWilde Staffer
Star Wars props.” “I didn’t say anything of the sort!” He grabbed the back of my skirt. I swatted
“Don’t worry, I’ll go back to my video I tangled my hair up in my hands. “Don’t make a stereotype of yourself.” “Why not? It’s cool to be normal.” “Ha.” I gestured to my house. “Like this is normal.” “Your parents are anthropologists, what “Um, maybe shrunken heads, not Star Wars helmets?” I stepped into the walk-in pantry. “I’ll show you a secret.” He followed me in, taking my hair from my hands and putting it in his mouth. “Are you in yet?” “Do you always eat dinner with a Stormtrooper pointing a gun at you?” My new boyfriend Charlie stroked the trigger and glanced around the house warily. at whoever walks in through the front door.” “Your dad sounds...nice.” “You’ll love him. If you can paint model airplanes as much as he can, it’ll be great.” “I never said I painted model airplanes.” “I saw them in your closet.” “Sneak!” He grabbed me by the waist and set me on the arm of the couch, grabbing my hairs like they were live snakes, and he was their charmer. “Catherine?” My mom called out from her room, “I can hear you. If you’re going to desecrate the couch, at least put a sheet Charlie covered his mouth and laughed, in his eyes. I shooed him away and stood up. “Let me set the table.” thought you were an English major.” I twirled in my skirt and did a two step with the life-size Boba Fett statue that stood “I’ll be swaying to my own music as utensils, sir. Or as you call them, those
Geisha’s pouted lip shone through. White eyes lit up in the darkness and the light came on. “What!” Charlie stared in disbelief at fully functioning robot in front of him. “Why is he hiding in the pantry?” “I show you the coolest robot ever made and reproduced and that’s all you have to say?!” peanut butter, yeah.” I shake my head in disbelief. “And what are you going to do with that jar?” Charlie smiled widely. course.”
It was Valentine’s Day and this was one year where I wasn’t going to be spending it alone, all thanks to Amanda. Amanda and I had been going out for about eight months and things were starting to get serious. I met her in my Geology 101 class two semesters ago; we were partnered up, and that’s where things together, and I wasn’t going to disappoint. I went to a jewelry store called “Ringers” to buy Amanda her gift. I only had two hundred bucks saved from ripping tickets at the lobby of the movie theater, and I was willing to spend every penny. I saw a ring that caught down for display. It had diamond studs surrounding the band with a huge diamond in the middle shaped like a heart. I noticed the salesman wasn’t wearing a name tag, but he was wearing what looked like a pricey suit. “Can I help you with anything today, sir?” he asked. “I’m looking for something for my girlfriend for Valentine’s Day, and I’m not really sure what to get,” I said. “I saw you looking at our beautiful heart shaped ring with 14k. I think she would like this one,” he said as he handed me the ring. “I’ll take it!” I said as I took out my wallet from my back pocket.
“What? How can you say that? I went to go get it today at a real jewelry store.” “Well, you’d better get that checked out, because I know jewelry, and that’s not real!” Amanda said as she grabbed her purse. “I can’t believe you would embarrass me like that, I don’t think that I can forgive you.” Amanda stormed out from the restaurant and I sat there with what I thought was a real ring. store to get my money back. I asked for the salesman that was working yesterday’s shift, only no one knew who I was talking about. I showed the saleswoman the ring and she “You know something? We’ve been having a guy pretending to be a jeweler scamming people for their money. We actually have a sign on the window,” she said
said as I placed the fake ring in my pocket. “I’m sure that the person you bought the ring for will forget about this and forgive you.” my last girlfriend said.”
dollars, and the salesman was so nice he home and wrapped Amanda’s gift in a small her up for our Valentine’s Day dinner. We arrived at the restaurant and ordered the I handed Amanda her gift as she leaned in for a kiss. She opened her gift and placed the “I love it!” she said. I got up to go to the restroom. I stood in front of the mirror and smiled. Good things were going to happen tonight. When I returned to my table I saw that Amanda had put the ring in front of her. She had an upset look on her face. “Are you serious? I’m so embarrassed!” she said as she grabbed the ring from the table and threw it at me. “I just tweeted a picture of this ring to all of my friends.” “What are you talking about Amanda?” I asked with a confused look on my face.
“You’d better get that checked out.”
Bonus Challenge: Find the other TWSS sentences and tweet them to us at @UnionWeekly for a shoutout next week! (Hint: They’re all dialogue.)
11
Sloppy Seconds
“Give me more!”
Janna Jesson Contributor Sidney sat on the grass, tugging at her purple necklace, wondering what would happen if hour. Would anyone notice? Since she’d just moved to Long Beach two months ago, she doubted anyone would remember her round, dark face. At her middle school, she’d known people for years, but when they were absent, she never remembered who was gone, only that there was an empty seat and an empty compartment in her cluttered brain that couldn’t recall the faintness of a face. She wanted to leave because she’d gotten her period, for only the third time in her life, and she didn’t have a pad. She hated wearing tampons. Once she’d tried to cram up a bathroom-vending-machine tampon, but it was dry and rough like cardboard.
“Give me more!” she shouted, her hair “Can you take two at a time?” asked a timid voice, whispering out behind tufts of curls. She shook two pills out of a bottle and tried handing them to candy girl. “Not there! It’s sensitive,” the red-head shouted, pulling her hand away, causing the pills to cascade onto the ground. “What’s sensitive? Your hand?” where you dumped the ibuprofen. Are you mute and blind?” “I’m not going to take pills from the ground,” said candy girl, demanding more.
She pictured her mother yelling at her as ones that glided up smoothly because she
As if a phallus used to mop up blood would inspire any desire in her daughter. Sidney’s spot on the grass. One had a face like candy on a lollipop stick. Her candycane red hair was short and motionless.
ditched her last two classes. “You what?!” her mother would yelp. “I wasn’t feeling well,” Sidney would say. “And why not?” “I’m on my dot.” Candice, Sidney’s mother, forced more mock-innocence on her daughter by
Coffee Shop Quickie
Sidney thought of getting on her mother’s desk, knocking over the ugly white lamp in clumsy fervor, and opening her legs to reveal the embarrassing period stain drying in the thread of her pants. “How about now?” Sidney would say. And her mother would look in horror at her daughter’s audacity. But then...Sidney
with golden studs across its rim as I drank a double-shot espresso, which the barista felt hot to the touch. It gave my hand a slight rush that reached all the way up my shoulder. If that didn’t wake me up, the strong scent of had a caramel sweetness and an acidic smell to it—not too bitter, not too sweet. looked desperate that morning; the kind of desperation you can only get when you’re looking for a last minute Valentine’s date. Young love. alone,” said one of the girls in the stock room “No problem,” said the new barista.
punching his number into the girl’s phone, he walked to the front counter and stared, managing the pastry bar. Without gloves, he grabbed a raspberry lemon bar from a light blue cupcake display that matched the color of the love seat. He put the bar on handed it to the soccer mom with the dirtysoled running sneakers. I felt my right boob vibrating. Ignoring my phone, I looked outside and noticed a girl wearing the same pink, polka-dotted shirt my daughter had asked for. It kept vibrating. As I reached into my jacket’s “boob pocket,” I heard the girl yell outside. “I’m all wet!” I heard through the open door. Immediately, that new barista threw the bagel he had in his hand onto the shiny, brown counter. He rushed outside to see her skirt and knitted sweater covered in the dirty, sewage smelling puddle water.
Kiya Wilson Contributor
Would she be like the defeated mute girl that handed over the bottle? Would her mother and home-school her because Sidney was becoming a woman? Would Candice weep? Would she ignore her daughter and forget about the whole thing? big, blemished oak tree. She wished she were a tree or something that didn’t bleed. noticed the two red circles that looked like hazardous seeds, nuzzled in the grass. She reached down and picked them up because they were too convenient to neglect. past the lockers, to the girl’s bathroom, where she’d have to make due with toilet paper.
“I’m all wet.”
“Yeah, no kidding, Einstein.” “You know what? I bet you couldn’t stop yourself from saying something rude for ten seconds.” “What do you wanna bet?” “Wait, I have a better idea. Have you seen The Matrix?” “Yeah. So?” “I bet you ten bucks that you would totally get wet if you stood right there.” “But that’s right in front of the sprinkler! And what’s that have to do with the Matrix?” “Well, how else do you think you’ll be able to stay dry? You can’t move your feet. You’ll have to avoid the water by doing one of those crazy back bends.” “Deal.” accept.” “So, stand right here?” “Yup, and you have—oh man! You’re
Claudia Rodriguez Contributor left puddles on the sidewalk outside the
Ten o’Clock Tango
you clean up,” said the barista as he grabbed her elbow and led her inside the shop. It was “Eve.” Eve was his code name and he was thirty-two minutes late. Valentine’s Day meant he had to spend time with his wife it was part of the plan: don’t make it too obvious. Keep the spouse happy. I clicked the green send button on my phone—I refused to get one of those smart phones with the swivel, touch-to-answer features. have you left to your husband’s school?” he asked. He always referred to my husband as my husband. “Still waiting, I don’t have to leave for another hour,” I answered as I looked at the
“Where’s my ten bucks?” “Are you wet?” “Not even a little!” “Wait! Your hands are wet!” almost like the grass, where I just put my hands, is covered in this magical substance called water.” at all.” “Isn’t there another Matrix move where you get your head kicked?” “Yeah, but—” “You better watch out!”
“That was fast.”
Literature
The challenge: Turn three “Dirty Minds”-inspired sentences into
12 Entertainment
Her Is this story about computer love sincere, sexist, or both? Janna Jesson Contributor
Her is a delightfully daring love story directed by Spike Jonze. It is centered around a lonely, sensitive man, Theodore Twombly, and his new operating system, Samantha. While the themes of love and loss are uniquely portrayed, the movie’s problematic sexism is all too familiar. The breathtaking cinematography takes the viewer on a journey into a pastelsmothered, symmetrical future full of adults dressed like mature hipsters. Twombly has a signature ’stache, glasses, and collared shirt type of appeal. He’s a sensitive guy, a seeming anomaly at his greeting-card-writing workplace, described by a coworker as “part man and part woman.” And that’s where the quiet sexism begins to crop up. In order to be a nice guy, he has to be slightly feminized. misunderstood “nice guy” syndrome, always female
characters
(and
sometimes
When Harry Met Sally I’ll watch what she’s watching Alyssa Keyne Literature Editor If you haven’t seen When Harry Met Sally, it’s a classic. It was released in 1989 and stars Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. Harry (Crystal) and Sally (Ryan) meet when they graduate from the University of Chicago and carpool to New York. Sally is initially repulsed by Harry, but after several years of running into each other, they become close friends. It’s my go-to feel good movie. The movie teaches its audience fantastic resonates with me every time I sit down to watch it. When Harry Met Sally doesn’t portray relationships as easy or love as easily attainable;
Particularly, it explores the emotional stages people go through after breakups, including shock, acceptance, and progress. I’ve actually met several men who enjoy watching the movie, which I assume is partly because it portrays both male and female perspectives on heterosexual relationships. The casting of When Harry Met Sally is practically perfect. Although many people think Meg Ryan errs on the side of annoying, she plays her character’s neuroticism perfectly. Billy Crystal, although an atypical
leading male, creates a realistic and lovable foil for Sally. Sally’s positivity helps Harry get over personal setbacks, and Harry’s laid-back demeanor shows Sally she doesn’t always have to have her life together. Harry Connick Jr. recorded a myriad of jazz stands with a big band for the movie, which works well in establishing the setting as New York City. The principle theme,
better than you dreamed. When Harry Met Sally is just plain funny. It employs all types of humor, from dark to ridiculous. The most memorable scene takes place in a diner, where Sally proves Harry can’t fake one. I once took my DVD with me when I the nurses crowded into my room when the climax of that scene played. I recommend When Harry Met Sally to everyone, be it couples, singles, men, or friend, pet, and/or bowl of ice cream, and press play.
caricatures) don’t seem to understand him. The movie is self-aware, pointing to Twombly’s inability to connect with real women. Even his ex-wife criticizes him for being unable to deal with women in the context of romance. That doesn’t take away from Samantha’s realness, though. She’s a lovely creation with her own snarky sense of humor, a sultry voice, and an attentiveness that would make many fall in love with her. But even though she has a developed personality, her attentiveness and care are what makes the love story teeter on the line between normal and creepy. Twombly did, indeed, buy Samantha, and she was created to serve the needs of humans. The other technology in the movie is sophisticated yet subtle, giving a believable dimension to the Jonze-created world. The audience understands the possibility of the love story within the context of this future without being beaten over the head with
perplexing advancements. The video games are cooler, the computer download speeds are faster, and the operating systems, of course, are much more intelligent. In a purely voyeuristic way, the movie is fascinating, showing viewers just around the corner, exciting and warning us in the same bold sweep. watch as long as the viewer is aware of the sexism or, at the very least, the fetishization of the perfect woman. But who’s to say we can’t enjoy something because it is problematic? The questions that crop up in the movie are profound and relevant to modern love and new technologies: Can a man truly fall in love with a computer program and not just be fueled by the program feeding into his own narcissism? Can OS systems consent to being loved and gain their own agency? You’ll have
The Temple of Sound
13 Music
Sun Structures is a new take on a timeless style Most of the time, retro music is pretty much a safe pick. Widely known, enjoyable and with little chance to offend anyone’s tastes, it’s a sort of musical fallback when you don’t know exactly who’s in your audience. So it’s no surprise that tons of fly-by-night bands that are forgotten before their songs are even over describe themselves as “retro” and rely on the same styles and musical tropes that have been beaten into the ground by every band since the Beatles. So naturally, it’s a real treat when a band can take a retro sound and do something different, something compelling with it. Luckily, Temples doesn’t fall into the category of easily forgotten. Their release Sun Structures stands out as something all
from and pays tribute to the hits of your parents generation while maintaining an innovative, nuanced and complex sound. Sounding like an alternative rock band, coached by a team made up of Timothy Leary and John Lennon, they rely on tried and true pop hooks that are ages old but manage to use them towards a different end, one that has a far more mystic and spiritual feel than straight up pop music. Normally I find music that tries to give itself a spiritual sound to be a bit pretentious but in Sun Structures it is readily balanced out by the occasional compelling guitar line and call and response vocals that remind you of the fact that you’re not sitting in a monastery atop a Himalayan mountain. When need be, the distant sounding drums can actually be quite driving. The
guitar fills are ballsy to say the least and this is the one place where Temples seems to largely divorce themselves from the old pop conventions in favor of something a tad more modern. However, despite having so much going for it, the vocals are bland and struggle to compel the listeners attention. Rather than standing out as the main attraction to the music, they take a backseat to lengthy instrumental pieces and are largely meek whenever they do show up. Whether it was an artistic choice or the result of a weak singer remains unclear, but either way, it leaves the music lacking. Overall though, Sun Structures is sloppy, promising, and innovative but most of all, it’s pretty damn fun. The sound isn’t tight quite yet, but that’s part of its appeal in a
Michael Wood Music Editor
likely to hit the charts when the album hits shelves this Tuesday . Its twangy guitar practically guaranteed that after a couple of listens, it will be stuck in your head for ages. Not that it’s a bad thing, not at all. Overall, I give the album an 8/10. While its flaws are clear even upon a first listen, they are more endearing than grating and can often be written off as a stylistic choice. With retro pop hooks, driving beats and plenty of musical risk taking, no one could fault Temples for not being creative enough. The mistakes made in pursuit of that creativity will always be weighed lighter than those made due to sheepish aversion to something new.
14 Culture
Shut It Down
Illustrations by Claire DeWilde Alia Sabino
Social media sites such as Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram have become so embedded into our lives that they have become part of our daily routines. The constant check-ins, tagged photos, and news feed updates all seem to validate our existence and somehow make us feel that we’re more connected. Although I’ve always had plenty of dislike for social networking sites, I am in no way an exception to this, for I have learned to rely on them constantly. They are how I plan events, communicate with the bajillion organizations I’m a part of on campus, and stay updated with my friends, and I’ve been guilty plenty times of being too consumed by the decision of whether Hefe or Valencia yet, instead of dealing with a situation, I’d choose to Snapchat it. But during the fall semester last year, I became way too engrossed. Everything I was doing was being relayed through Facebook,
as anything is in terms of weeding out bad thing I’d do when I woke up in the morning and the last thing I’d do before going to bed at night. It was sickening, but I couldn’t stop. My addictive personality can’t stand unread emails or software updates, and That red number on the upper right corner my existence. For some reason I was always anxious about the fact that I might be missing out on something. I found myself constantly refreshing my page, as if something exciting would happen if I checked on it enough. So when it came to a point where I was disgusted by how much I depended on Facebook, I decided to cut out all social networking sites from my life for the entirety of winter break. I deactivated my Facebook and deleted both my Instagram and Snapchat accounts.
Time to Objectify Men guys facilitate what you know about them, and get on LuLu. This new app has been compared to Yelp, but instead of reviewing restaurants, you’re reviewing guys. Ladies log in through their Facebook and can either out if he’s a total scumbag or review their friends, exes, hookups, current boyfriends, and relatives. (That’s weird. Don’t rate your relatives.) Guys get an average score based on appearance, humor, manners, ambition, and commitment. The real fun begins with the best and worst quality hashtags. Some of the good qualities include #PleaseF**kMeILoveYou, while some of the bad qualities include #PerfectForMySister and #StillLovesHisEx.
These hashtags aren’t the most insightful pieces of information, but they’re a good way to determine if that guy was mentioning his ex because the story warranted it or because he never shuts up about her. Instead of actually hooking up with guys to find out how good they are in bed, now you can simply find out through their sloppy seconds, one night stands, and still-obsessed ex-girlfriends I spent a good hour on the site looking at what people had to say about my friends, been rated, and putting my two cents in about some of my friends and exes. The clear issue with the site is that spiteful exes can say terrible things about a guy and other girls are going to trust it. Lulu is a fun resource, but just remember, there is no replacement for meeting a guy in person and judging him for yourself.
really knowing what to do with my phone, and out of the loop because I wasn’t aware of what everyone was up to. But these
after that, I started to feel, well, free. I felt free in a sense, because nothing was tying me down and I didn’t constantly feel like I needed to check on something. I became less anxious, and I truly felt what it was like to just live in the moment and be present in situations. I found myself thinking more clearly and I also realized how preoccupied people are on their phones. Instead of letting our minds use curiosity, we numb them with this constant frenzy of status updates, and check-ins that are irrelevant to our lives and in no way improves or better ourselves. There are so many things to experience around us, yet we are too engrossed in things that don’t matter—hence
the term “zombie generation.” Rarely do the people of this generation take the time to just savor moments of silence or idleness. No one takes a moment to just breathe anymore. So if anything I have said resonates with you or if you feel that social media might be taking over your life, then give it a try. You don’t have to go the complete nine yards and disappear from the Internet completely— I’m back on it now since I’m back in school, albeit with a lot more limitations—just limit yourself to checking them only at certain times every other day, or maybe only on Fridays. Notice how much you check your phone and how often you have that tendency to open your news feeds. Learn to live in the moment and don’t feel the need to be anywhere else. Be aware that who you are at the present moment and the potential interactions you may have with the people around you are more important than whatever is going on in the virtual world.
Shereen Lisa Dudar
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“Hot” Food or “Not” Food? The Union critiques Instagram pictures labeled as #foodporn
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There is nothing sexier than a balanced
HOT Shereen Lisa Dudar Opinions Editor
DISHONORABLE MENTION:
Cooked Mackerel Omelette a thousand times more enticing than the stupid pictures of Red Bull and Oreos that are shared in the food porn hashtag. Shout out to
Renee Schmiedeberg Contributor
crustaceans that we all had to learn about not beeline to Paleolithic arthropods
in their own right and not just an innuendo.
The latest food craze has to be cronuts. Yes, cronuts, the infamous blend of a buttered,
HOT
of a glazed doughnut, complete with a hole in
Trisha Davis Contributor
NOT
Renee Schmiedeberg Contributor
NOT Rebecca Komathy Staffer
OPEN MEETINGS EVERY TUESDAY AT 5:30PM into a swamp with this pie slice in hand, thus soiling the wholesome element of life that amaly_g,
label.
through her mind when she put up this
#notfoodporn #nukepoop #only5peoplelikedthis
MEET US AT OUR OFFICE IN THE BOTTOM FLOOR OF THE USU. EMAIL INFO@LBUNION.COM FOR MORE DETAILS.
Food
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Volume 74 Issue 4
Monday, February 10, 2014
LBUNION.COM
DISCLAIMER: Hey, God Warrior Here. Last I remember I was face down, ass up, clothes off, broke off, dozed off. Even though I’m not sure of his name, he could get it again if he wanted cause the sex was spectacular. Send z-mail to 1212 Bellflower Blvd Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815. This page is satire/parody and does not represent ASI nor the CSULB campus. In Donkey’s name, I pray. Submit it via email to grunion@lbunion.com.
REGURGITATED NEWS EVENTS ASI GOVERNMENT APPROVES THAT HAPPENED RECENTLY HOVERBOARDING ON CAMPUS Last week, a trio of greasyhaired, bespectacled college students—who rudely requested to remain anonymous— accused the Grunion Weekly of providing by Gorbald Squaz false, slanderous, misleading information. As they phrased it, “We failed Politics in Contemproary Society because of the lies we copied from you!” We at the Grunion Weekly were quite affronted by this allegation, and to prove our dedication to the Truth, we decided to restrain our creative processes this week, providing nothing more than the same worn-out, borderline-plagiarized news as all the other illustrious news sources on this campus and in the gigantic abyss of the internet. (Have you seen them? The moment one of them catches wind of a Republican mistake or a Miley Cyrus scandal, all of them are talking about it! It’s thought-duplication, I tell you! Even the signs on campus, those weird “I want you to become a part of ASI but I’m not going to tell you until you read over half the poster that that’s what I’m talking about” things, are referencing the same old things!) We scoured the “respectable” news sources of Long Beach, looking for important pieces of “valid” news for our beloved readers. We even cited our sources. This, dear Grunion Weekly community, is what we found. Now, you tell me: are these topics any more bizarre than the Truths we generally put forth for your elucidation? Monday, February 3rd Mobile home not fast enough to protect inhabitants from dying (Orange County Breeze, “Three Long Beach residents
Tuesday, February 4th Purportedly all-access college institutes plan to charge desperate students more (LA Times, “Long Beach City College experiments with tiered pricing) The same college is interested in giving scholarships to dreamy, desperate students. Cool? (Press-Telegram, “Cal State Long Beach, Long Beach City College partner in scholarship program for undocumented students”) Wednesday, February 5th Nothing happened. Everybody stayed at home and ate Pringles. Yay, boring lives! Thursday, February 6th Donuts are saved!!! (Press-Telegram, “Dunkin’ Donuts spares iconic doughnut sign in Long Beach”) Friday, February 7th College from Mark Twain’s corner of the woods tries to stay trendy, teaches construction (SunHerald, “MGCCC campus in Long Beach focusing on construction industry) Police prove inability to keep inmates safe; questions not raised about citizens (Press-Telegram, “Three inmates injured in hit-and-run crash in Long Beach”) Saturday, February 8th Beer man put behind bars for attempting to become more illegal drug (PressTelegram, “Corona man behind bars in illegal Long Beach marijuana dispensary case”) Long Beach schools not good enough for blue ribbons, nominated for moldy ones instead (Press-Telegram, “Two Long Beach schools receive nominations for federal Green Ribbon awards)
In response to skateboarders’ complaints regarding the new pedestrian-only zones in the heavily populated Upper Quad and Brotman Hall areas on campus, by Terry Dundle CSULB administrators have approved a new method of transportation: hoverboarding. “Students are always complaining about the amount of time required to travel between classes,” said Torileigh Carryby, a spokeswoman for campus administration. “Skateboards and other brakeless transportation devices were approved earlier this semester, but even this does not seem to be enough for our student speed demons. We receive letters daily complaining about the inconvenience of needing to step off wheeled devices within pedestrian-only zones, and we have decided hoverboards are the most logical response to these complaints.” Hoverboards, the administration explains, would allow tardy students to travel 10 to 20 feet over the quad, zipping above the heads of the gravity-bound students who, until recently, turned the campus walkways into obstacle courses. Although there is a slight liability issue in allowing students to take to the skies within possible medical costs incurred by falls will be a useful inspiration in encouraging the state’s new health insurance system to seek out new, substantial sources of funding, and anyway, if students are seriously incapacitated by their choice of transportation, this may lead to a reduction in overloaded classes. Campus administrators are not the only ones excited by the change. “That’s totally rad!” cheered junior Psychology major Johnny James, who currently uses his multicolored skateboard to travel
through campus despite having no real time crunches between classes. “Dude, James was later unavailable for comment, as his between-classes recreational narcotics usage had hoverboard. Some students expressed concern about the new development, as well. “I take hours designing this hairstyle,” freshman Communication major Carrie Yemen commented, pointing to what seemed to be a beehive with earrings strewn throughout. “I don’t want some hoverboard zooming overhead and blowing everything to pieces!” Melanie Green, a graduate student employed at CAPS, also voiced some worries. “Many of our students are already stressed by work, school, deadlines, sources of strife and concern. How will they react to adding yet another expensive commodity to their overly busy lifestyles? I’m concerned that the exhilarating nature of hoverboarding, along with the danger inherent in the sport, will lead to an unhealthy expression of students’ fears of failure and shame.” Despite these arguments, the administration has gone forward with the policy, approving it seemingly out of frustration and an inability to discern the real problems beneath students’ complaints. The true test of the policy, it seems, will be in its implementation. The only barrier to this is the fact that hoverboards do not, at this point, exist for mass consumption. By the time the Grunion Weekly came to this realization, longer available for comment.
INSIDE
WINTER OLYMPICS: SOCHI 2014 BIRTHPLACE OF NEW EVENT, “SYNCHRONIZED SHITTING”
WALKING DEAD STUNS FANS WITH ADMISSION THAT ZOMBIES ARE JUST PEOPLE IN MAKE-UP
GRAMPA KLONDIKE’S PERFORMANCE AT SOCHI OPENNING CEREMONY LAUDED AS BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN SOCHI