That song sucks.
Issue 73.05
Sierra Patheal on the Happy Birthday Song
Rose Feduk, Editor-in-Chief editorinchief@lbunion.com Marco Beltran, Managing Editor marco.union@gmail.com Connor O’Brien, Managing Editor connor.union@gmail.com
Shereen Lisa Dudar, Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com Sierra Patheal, Campus Editor campus@lbunion.com Michael Wood, Music Editor music@lbunion.com Roque Renteria, Entertainment Editor entertainment@lbunion.com Katie Healy, Literature Editor literature@lbunion.com Alia Sabino, Culture Editor culture@lbunion.com Molly Shannon, Food Editor food@lbunion.com God Warrior, Grunion Editor grunion@lbunion.com Gabe Ferreira, Art Director gabe.union@lbunion.com Brian Mark, Art Director brian.union@lbunion.com Truc Nguyen, Web Manager web@lbunion.com Eddie Vee, Graphic Designer info@lbunion.com Assistant Editors: Alfred Pallarca, Alyssa Keyne, Sam Winchester. Contributors: Joseph Phillips, Jon Bolin, Cody Eagle, Delon Villanueva, Joshua Chan, Matthew Vitalich, Ursula Khan, Leah Sakas, Jay Jenkins, Chris “JT” De Guzman, Krinkle Krunkle, Jessica Phung, Rebecca Komathy, Alex Berman. Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of the Union Weekly, not ASI or CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Questions? Comments? Cornrows? Beach, CA 90815. E-mail: info@lbunion.com
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Rose and the Power of Books Rose Feduk Editor-in-Chief I’ve been a fan of Harry Potter since my mom had the good foresight to stick Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone in with the pajama pants she got me for my eighth birthday. After seeing that I breezed through it quicker than you could say “Neville Longbottom,” I was ritually gifted a Harry Potter book every year as a reward for helping my parents out at their booth at the Orange International Street Fair. To escape the sweltering late summer heat that usually accompanied every Labor Day weekend, I would curl up on a mat under the table and drown out the crowds walking past with mental visions of Harry darting through the air above the green fields of Hogwarts as the Gryffindor house roared with excitement. The most alluring part about Harry Potter must be the idea of losing yourself in such an expansive, believable world.
Like most young fans, I hoped that Hagrid would also barge in through my door, letter in giant hand, announcing that, of course, I was a young witch all along and they were getting a bed ready for me at Hogwarts. After a couple more birthdays passed and I found out that I was even less magical than an armadillo in a tutu, I was content to become a spectator of the “magic” of the immense popularity of the series. The books grew into merchandise, movies, theme parks, theater adaptations, podcasts, and everything in between. And even after the fanfare for the last installment in the movie series gradually died down, Harry Potter is still very much relevant to fans everywhere. The Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Hollywood is slated to open sometime after 2015, and an entire series of movies based on J.K. Rowling’s Fantastic
Beasts and Where to Find Them has just recently been announced. More and more, the idea that you could feasibly sip some butterbeer while watching a real Quidditch game in your house robes doesn’t seem as far-fetched. This week, thanks to their incredible kindness and patience, we received the opportunity to join in on a practice session with local Long Beach Quidditch team, the Funky Quaffles. The greatest homage that Muggle Quidditch players pay to Harry Potter is that they take the game so seriously. And really, the Funky Quaffles kick ass. We hope you enjoy Marco’s account of his experiences playing the game and his realization that he is not in the shape that he thinks he is. On an unrelated yet similarly fantastical related note, I share a birthday with Frodo and Bilbo Baggins. Happy Birthday to us!
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OPINIONS Union Weekly—23 September 2013
Long Boarding in Long Beach Some tips to prevent skateboarders from becoming kooks Chris “JT” De Guzman Contributor Long ago, the four nations lived in harmony, but everything changed when the kooks attacked. Only you, master of common sense, can stop them, but when the campus needed you most, you blew it. You see, just as there are bad drivers on the road who shouldn’t be driving, there are skaters on our campus who shouldn’t be skating. I hope by reading this article you can prevent yourself or anyone you know from becoming a kook. “What are kooks?” you ask? No, I’m not talking about the band from the UK. “Kook” is a term used in the surfer and skate culture to describe individuals who lack any sense of basic skill and are too cocky or ignorant to follow safety or general advice. An amateur or new rider is not a kook, but once they choose the pathway towards being reckless, rebellious, and stubborn, they become a kook. You see, somewhere along the line someone decided to take a skateboard down a hill, which, although fun, is not very smart when there’s traffic or pedestrians. Even small slopes like the Brotman Hall ramp are very dangerous if you lack the ability to slow down. Two years ago some kook couldn’t stop on that ramp and crashed into the
campus president. I can’t imagine what happened to him or the president, but that poor skateboard! Contrary to popular belief, skateboarding is NOT about being rebellious and destructive. Skateboarding is a culture and a way of life; it’s about freedom and self-expression through your body and your board. Skateboarding has a variety of styles and disciplines within it, and skateboards come in a variety of sizes and shapes; longboards ARE skateboards too. Skateboarding is about being able to let go and “be the leaf,” but also maintaining control of your board. You see, my fellow students, many of you lack control when traveling around this campus, and this causes problems. That’s okay so long as you are now aware and willing to improve upon it. Unfortunately, there’s no driver’s ed for skateboarding, but there should be. Almost every other weekend I spend time teaching kids and even young adults how to ride skateboards; anything from the basics of cruising/commuting to downhill safety and stopping efficiently. If you are going to pay attention to anything in this article at least remember the following:
1. Know how to stop. This is obviously the most important. The easiest is “foot-braking”—if you don’t know how to drag the sole of your foot (use your whole damn foot, not just your toe) to create friction on the pavement then find out how. Other methods include rolling through the grass and powersliding. I can teach you these at our clinics; otherwise, don’t hurt yourself trying. 2. It’s all in the hips. Carving/steering is directed by the motion of your body, primarily from your center of gravity: your hips. Moving your feet does not steer the board; if you ride a skateboard you must realize it’s a leanto-turn mechanism. Get comfortable moving your body around with the board, because, believe it or not, riding a skateboard actually requires a certain degree of balance. Longer boards are easier to ride and shorter boards require much more balance to ride. So yes, this means all you kids on Penny skateboards or any other pocket-sized cruiser are a recipe for disaster if you lack balance. Which brings me to my next my next point... 3. Size matters. Other than shape, trucks, wheels, or even mounting style, board size is important
and affects how you ride. Now deck length is not the main concern here, but “wheelbase” is. Wheelbase is simply the distance between your trucks and creates an effective foot platform (EFP) for you to stand on. Know this: a shorter wheelbase yields a tighter, more sensitive, turning radius. A longer wheelbase yields a wider, less sensitive turning radius. In simpler terms: two skateboards can be 40 inches long, but board A has a 28 inch wheelbase and board B has a 21 inch wheelbase, probably because board B has a longer nose and tail. This means board A is easier to ride, makes wider turns, and has a larger EFP. Board B will be more sensitive to turning, be slightly more difficult to ride, and has less of an EFP to stand on. Keep this in mind when you buy your own board. If I ever see you around campus causing issues because you are becoming a kook, then Equalists and I will confront you and take away your ability to bend. With that said, if you want more info on skateboards, riding tips, or want to hang around a bunch of skaters of many styles and disciplines, then check out the CSULB Longboard Club on OrgSync, find us on Facebook, or email us at lbstate@ rocketmail.com.
Age is Just a Number Being old on campus isn’t all that bad Alex Berman Contributor Most people start college off slow. They come in (usually as freshmen) with a narrowminded notion about what to do and what not to do, what to join and what not to join. This is usually based off of a stereotype, a personal fear, or a well-meant bit of advice given to them by a friend or mentor. Either way, from the stories I’ve heard from fouryear attendees and some of the articles I’ve read in this exact paper, it seems like what freshmen coming to university walk away with from their first year is a load of regret, a couple of fun times, a LOT of wasted time, and a few traumatic rookie mistakes. Now, let me get to my point. I am NOT a freshman, and so far I cannot group myself in with the types of people I have just described. I transfered here this semester as a junior. I am 22 years old
and live in an on-campus dorm where the majority of the residents are freshmen. At first, walking around amidst the masses of half-sized giggling youths made me rethink my decision to engulf myself in the full college experience, but my mind was soon changed. Starting college off with an age advantage is awesome. Not only am I older, I’ve got loads of experience under my belt that most people don’t have. Since I arrived here I’ve been using both to my advantage. In the mere four weeks since classes started, I’ve already managed to meet countless people, attend all of the worthwhile events on (and off) campus, immerse myself in some of the more unique opportunities that college has to offer, and enjoy an already overwhelming amount of crazy nights, fast times, and meaningful experiences.
Most of my dorm-mates, when asked, say that they don’t plan on joining a fraternity or getting involved with a club on campus, at least not yet. They remain adamant about staying in their rooms and performing well in their classes. I’m all for that. That’s what we are here for, but don’t spend your first semester, or even year, wind up being spent secluded in the dark hovering over your laptop. In four weeks, I’ve become a part of the longest running (and most awesome) fraternity on campus; gained friends from all backgrounds, majors, and ways of life; gotten back in shape from a stupidly fun summer abroad; found an amazing girlfriend who’s probably hotter than yours; attended parties and gatherings that will definitely remain in memory for some time; and attended parties and gatherings
that won’t ever be in my memory again— all while maintaining healthy study habits. Although the workload that comes with attending university might seem daunting for some of you, there is always time to try something new and squeeze through that suffocating bubble that you call your comfort zone. So far, every new experience I’ve put myself through has been worth it, and as for the workload and the time constraints, having an English major definitely helps. Even though you’re not a 22-year-old junior, you shouldn’t stop yourself from broadening your horizons and having the richest college experience possible.
Union Weekly—23 September 2013 OPINIONS
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Sneaking in Some Sleep Where to take a nap on campus Alfred Pallarca Assistant Editor It seems that the older we get, the less important and necessary sleep becomes. I, for one, used to enjoy a ten-hour snooze. However, I don’t have the luxury to do that now. Lack of sleep doesn’t mean a boost of energy though. It means your body must work on a half-empty battery. On top of being involved on campus, taking five classes, working, socializing, etc., there is not enough time to do everything. I am lucky if I sleep for five hours in one day. It is sad, I know, how things have changed! With the competitive nature of our society today, college students, young adults, and adults have imposed a busy schedule upon their bodies to make themselves more interesting and edgier for today’s market. With that said, though, we are still college students. We still have some time to slack off a bit and take naps here and there to ensure our bodies are getting the rest they truly need. Since a full eight hours of sleep is merely not possible anymore, I have realized the
importance of napping. An act which we generally all hated when we were younger has now become a rare and valuable jewel. Over the last few years here on campus, I have appreciated and found that certain places are the best to perform this act. I am more than happy to tell you the knowledge I have amassed. We all know the Horn Center has the best couches to lie on. However, between the multitude of students yacking about their recent intercourse and the guy trimming the grass outside, my tired ears cannot tolerate the vexing sounds. I found a room in the basement of the SSPA building that works great as an alternative. The room has equally nice couches, though not as big, and you can push them together to make a sanctuary for your body. If you are lucky enough, the room is usually empty. There will be two or three people every now and then with you, but chances are they are trying to take a nap, too. The grass area on upper campus is definitely not a bad place to catch up on some z’s. In fact, I have enjoyed countless
Night Terrors of evening classes Rebecca Komathy Contributor When the sun starts to set, you know it’s time for class. To the unlucky souls sucked into evening classes, you are not alone. This is not my first semester with a night class, nor will it be my last, but each previous semester when I click to enroll into the class—click—I seem to go through the same 5 stage cycle, similar to those who experience loss and grief, once the semester actually begins. Don’t worry, the cycle only lasts for a month and a half… if you’re lucky. 1. Denial: The feeling one gets when they enter the classroom during the first week of school, which is always hotter than Satan’s balls. Why did you make such a terrible life choice to be here? No. No. No. 2. Anger: The feeling one gets usually about two and a half weeks into school.All one can think is about how fucked up time is. Why is it being slow and shit? When’s break? WHY DOES THIS CLASS EXIST? WHY DO I NEED THIS CLASS?
3. Bargaining: The feeling one gets right before the deadline for dropping a class is about to pass. It’s okay to have second guesses and re-evaluate your CSULB choices. Maybe you can take the class next semester when it’s earlier. Or you can drop out and be homeless. Or a hooker. Both seem like fair options. 4. Depression: The feeling after the deadline to drop the class has passed. You probably haven’t done the readings. Due to sleep delirium, you are sure you’re going to flunk the class. Since the class is so small, your professor takes attendance and it’s a percentage of your grade. BRB dying. 5. Acceptance: This step usually takes the longest, but it will eventually happen. You’ve accepted the fact that you are going to be in this class for an entire semester. It’s not that bad and you’ve even made some friends. Misery loves company. But hey, it’s going to be ok in the end. At least there’s parking.
naps there between my classes. The sun hitting your bare skin while you dream about wonderland is clearly refreshing. The ants crawling up on your ears and the lady bugs resting on your fingers just connect you to mother nature like no other place here on campus. The grass near the library has become my favorite. Though there are quite a lot of people walking around the area, the noise is low enough that it has become a harmony for me to enjoy. To each their own, so certainly find your own harmony for your nap’s sake. Finally, remember those lecture hall classes you had in your freshman year? We all had the best time sleeping in through those. The movie theater like setting of those classes gives my body a sort of ease to doze off into an Inception-like sleep. The lecture hall on the first floor of the Psychology building has become my favorite. The lecture halls in the Science Hall are not so bad either, though. For those who are on campus all day, these lecture halls are usually empty
sometime around five. Find yourself a spot, wait for your Prince Charming, and have your beauty rest like Sleeping Beauty. I understand sleeping in a big lecture hall could get scary, especially later in the afternoon and that some of you just need a nap during peak school hours. I suggest actually visiting a lecture hall with a class going on. I recommend my Marine Biology class on Mondays and Wednesdays. Crash the class, sit in the back, and enjoy the monotonous, perhaps useless facts the man in the front is blabbing at you. Just don’t be rude, if the class is actually full then leave it. Show up on time and try to avoid snoring. Remember you are a visitor. Well, there you have it. I am sure there are plenty of other places here on campus that serve the act of napping just as well or perhaps more so than these. The important thing is to take care of your body. Being busy doesn’t mean you should neglect your body’s need to rest up and recharge.
ENTERTAINMENT Union Weekly—23 September 2013
Joshua Chan Contributor
Delon Villanueva Contributor
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Gravity (2013)
Director Alfonso Cuarón hasn’t made a film since 2006’s Children of Men, which is now remembered as being one of the best films…ever. So, the seven years of anticipating his next movie has been intense. Luckily, Gravity premiered at several film festivals already, and critics claim it doesn’t disappoint one bit. This 3D science fiction film is about as simple as it gets: two astronauts (Sandra Bullock and George Clooney) are on a shuttle mission when disaster suddenly strikes, leaving them completely stranded in space without any source of communication. In just 90 minutes, Cuarón is delivering a multitude of single take shots, beautiful cinematography, and breathtaking stakes. Critics are calling this a work of revolutionary filmmaking, making this a humongous Oscar contender, if not the best at the moment. Gravity is set for release on October 4th.
Her (2013)
Directed by Martin Scorsese
Directed by Spike Jonze
Legendary filmmaker Martin Scorsese took a break from his typical adult-oriented fare in 2011 with his fantastic family-targeted film Hugo, but it’s great to see Scorsese return to form with The Wolf of Wall Street. This dark comedy tells the story of Jordan Belfort (Leonardo DiCaprio), a young stockbroker who begins at the top of his game and then, through intensive corruption, progressively falls hard from grace. The film also stars Jonah Hill and Matthew McConaughey, who both seem to be going for Oscar nominations, as well as DiCaprio. Will this finally be the year Leonardo DiCaprio snags the Oscar? We’ll have to wait and see this November. For now, check out the sweet trailer, cut to Kanye West’s “Black Skinhead.” The Wolf of Wall Street is set for release on November 15th.
Although he hasn’t had many feature films, Spike Jonze’s filmography is as impressive as it gets. This is the man responsible for directing Being John Malkovich, Adaptation., and Where the Wild Things Are. He’s definitely one of the best film directors working today, so expectations are extremely high for his next directorial project, Her. The film takes place in the near future and focuses on Theodore (Joaquin Phoenix), a lonely man coping with the end of a long-term relationship, who installs an advanced computer operating system with a female voice that goes by the name of Samantha (Scarlett Johansson). Theodore is absolutely charmed by Samantha, and as she starts to develop emotions of her own, the two begin to fall for each other. This can’t possibly end well. Her should have some appeal to the Academy, and if not, I’m sure I’ll love it anyways. Her is set for release on December 18th.
The Secret Life of Robocop (2014) Walter Mitty (2013)
Zulu (2013)
Directed by Ben Stiller
Directed by Jose Padilha
Directed by Jerome Salle
Ben Stiller has been directing movies for a while now, but he’s never made anything that would make an impression during the awards season. That might change this year with The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Based on the 1939 short story by James Thurber, the film is about Walter (Ben Stiller), a man who works at a publication firm, spending his time daydreaming as he gets picked on by his colleagues and fawns over a woman (Kristen Wiig) he’s too afraid to speak to. In his fantasy world, though, there are no limits to what is possible, and most of all, Walter is exactly the man he’s always wanted to be. I’m truly rooting for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, this Oscar season’s underdog, and I’m hoping it’s one of my favorite movies of the year. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is set for release on December 25th.
The gritty sci-fi classic Robocop is finally being remade for a modern audience. Detroit street cop Alex Murphy (Joel Kinnaman from AMC’s The Killing) is horrifically crippled in the line of duty and is then rebuilt as the first cybernetic police officer. Although alive, Murphy struggles to identify whether his actions are based on his free will, or if the company that rebuilt him is in control. The supporting cast is full of big names such as Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, and Michael Keaton. This is perfect timing for the reboot’s release considering how the city of Detroit is currently bankrupt just as in the original Robocop. It is set for release in summer 2014.
When a new drug hits the streets of Cape Town in South Africa, police chief Ali Neuman (Forest Whitaker) and one of his staff, Brain Epkeen (Orlando Bloom), must find and stop the source by taking on gangs, both local and African. Neuman and Epkeen work well together, but political and racial conflicts of the past sometimes put them at odds with one another. This dark dramatic-thriller is a French film from Director Jerome Salle and will be released on November 6 in Europe. No date has been announced yet for a North American release, but it is only a matter of time.
F
UTURE EATURE ILMS
Stay informed on upcoming Hollywood
Directed by Alfonso Quaron
The Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
Words by Marco Beltran Managing Editor
Union Weekly—23 September 2013
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FEATURE
OUR TIME WITH THE COMMUNITY’S QUIDDITCH ATHLETES It was almost dusk when the
—when
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LONG BEACH
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FEATURE
Union Weekly—23 September 2013
The way the game is played is a point contention for many Quidditch players, which is what co-captain Caylen McDonald told new recruits as she walked us off to the side of the goal hoops to explain the rules of the game. Some people would rather play the game for fun, preferring a more role-playing interpretation of the game as opposed to the competitive sport that Quidditch is becoming. It’s an understandable rift. Now that the books and movies have reached their end, playing a Quidditch that is more true to what is presented in the books helps extend and maintain a connection with the series. There’s a massive following out there that feels the game has become a bit of sacrilege. A feeling of embarrassment swept across me as I looked around at the team and noticed everyone was wearing cleats. My shoes, a vestigial garment from my formative athletic years, still held some dirt from the last time I attempted something sporty. There’s a tangible level of athleticism that comes from beings experienced in a sport like this that requires so much running. I sucked my gut in and told myself to relax. It was a little daunting to listen to Caylen give us the abridged version of the game’s rules, and has become even more of learning curve once I looked at the IQA (International Quidditch Association) Official Rule book, a 115 page breakdown of every position and rule (http://iqaquidditch.com/files/IQA_ Rulebook_7_web.pdf). There are three types of balls in play during a game associated to different players; it’s only a little different from how the movie and book plot out the game. The quaffle, a slightly deflated volleyball, is used by the Chasers to score points for their teams, while the Keeper’s job is to keep the ball out of the hoops. The two Beaters carry a somewhat-deflated dodgeball and
temporarily eliminate people from the field. Three positions per team, yet each position has its own set of intricacies that give each position independence from the other positions while also relying on loose teamwork to score points or temporarily eliminate players. On this occasion, since this was a practice, there were no Seekers or Snitches on the field, but that’s because in Muggle Quidditch, Snitches are players outside the team, that are recruited to run around the field, simulating the unpredictability of the Snitch. She explained that Snitches can hide, disguise themselves and even do unthinkable things like climb into trees to escape being caught. “That’s when the real fun starts, because you’re watching the Quaffle game, the Beater game and the Snitch game happen all in the same field, all at the same time. It gets crazy.” I felt bad because I was half paying attention to her breakdown of the game, but it was a little hard to pay attention with the sound of people getting smacked with dodgeballs and low flying planes prevalent in this area filling your ears and dreaming of winning a championship or people chanting my name. When she finished, we warmed up by stretching for a bit and ran around the park once. I was still feeling reveling in my unwarranted confidence so I pushed myself a little harder than I probably should have for a warm-up. I finished in the top five, although I don’t think it matters in a warm-up and I was having trouble breathing normally. The group split in two, one worked on fundamentals, where I was, while the other worked on defensive strategies. Our first drill was to practice scoring, passing, and quick releases. Someone would lob the quaffle slightly over the hoops as a player sprinted to catch the ball and score as quickly as possible. I slipped on my third try, my shoes taking their revenge for doubting their
“Snitches can hide, disguise themselves, and
even do unthinkable things to avoid being caught.”
Union Weekly—23 September 2013
FEATURE
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“[the IQA] accepts those who don’t identify within the binary gender system, and acknowledge that not all of our players identify as male or female.” abilities. It took me a few tries to make it in, and when I did, I could feel excitement growing inside me. I was starting to see how fun it would be to play around with these people. Round after round of catching the ball and trying to toss it in, I thought I understood what would happen within a game. I thought I was good. Something I hadn’t noticed until it was pointed out to me was that there was a near balance of men and women on the team. “There has to be two members of each gender on the playing field at a time,” Caylen explains. She also affirms that yes, those are the official rules. The reason for the gender rule is to ensure equality in Quidditch games, operating under the maxim that Quidditch is a sport for everyone. The inclusivity of the game and its appeal among players of all ages mirrors the ubiquitous popularity of the Harry Potter books themselves. The official statement from the IQA is that it “accepts those who don’t identify within the binary gender system, and acknowledge that not all of our players identify as male or female. We welcome people of all identities and genders into our league.” The second drill bashed my previously held notion that I would be good at Quidditch, as it incorporated some elements from the first drill into
a mini scenario: three Chasers against two Beaters and a Keeper to score. The only rule was that the ball had to be passed around three times. As a chaser, I got in my head too much as if I was actually in control of the ball. I was slow and the more I tried directing people to move around so they could be open for a shot, the more I left myself open to be hit by the Beaters. If I tried to do a complicated pass, like a back pass or a no-look pass, to someone that had no idea what I was trying to do, I would mess up the play. Whatever semblance of skill I had displayed in the first drill was overshadowed by how awkward I was at passing. When you’re holding the ball as a Chaser you have to have the ability to make snap decisions about people in your team while being aware of where the Beaters are at all times. At any moment, a Beater can hit you and it’s over. Whatever play you were formulating is done. My frustration began to show, and, as an added bonus, so did my sailor mouth. Every time I missed a catch or tripped on my own foot I would curse in what I thought was under my breath, a habit that is frowned upon by the Quidditch community as well as by most of the parents of all the small children that visited the park that day. According to the IQA rulebook, penalization for severity or frequency
of explicit language can get you barred from a game, and the amount that slipped out of me I’m sure would equal me being barred from a whole season of play. Yet, through my continuous missteps, everyone stayed really nice about everything and kept telling me what I was doing wrong in an attempt to help. After a while the two teams reconvened in the middle of the field so as to pick teams. I tried to keep positive while heading into the game, but I got picked second to last. I was set as a Chaser again, as it was the only thing I had experience in. At the start of every game, the referee yells “Brooms Up,” and everyone closes their eyes. It’s at this moment that the Snitch volunteer would run around to hide or climb a tree, as both are legal for the Snitch to do. You’re supposed to kneel down when this happens, but I closed my eyes before I noticed that was a thing I was supposed to do. My heart was pounding from anticipation. I thought I was ready and when it was time to open them, it turned out that I’m not good, like at all. Twenty minutes, maybe less time, into the game I was done. I did manage to score one point, but a few minutes later almost threw up. My whole body was covered and cold sweat. You grow to understand how hard the Funky Quaffles, and
anyone else who does Quidditch, work to maintain a level of competitiveness with other teams. It’s admirable. It’s a visible passion when you watch them play, when you watch them talk about playing, or even talk about Quidditch, that inspires you to want to be better. It’s passion that everyone involved with Muggle Quidditch seems to share. Alex Richardson told us a story about how during one of the first matches they watched before forming the team, a player broke his arm trying to take down another player. That’s the intensity everyone brings to the game, so support them. Watch their games, visit their practices, anything to help the LB team succeed. Thank you to all the Funky Quaffles that were or were not at the practice, but special thanks to Kiara Holt, Lisa Schmerbeck, Eli Petersen, Caylen McDonald, Alex Richardson, Alex Pisaño, Anthony Hawkins, Kyle Epsteen, Ivan Madrigal, and Natalie.
For more information about Funky at www.facebook.com/LBFQ
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CAMPUS
Union Weekly—23 September 2013
State of the Beach Cool ways to indulge your adventurous side this week
Shootin’ the Shit with the Execs
Sierra Patheal Campus Editor, Michael Wood Music Editor, Alyssa Keyne Assistant Editor, and Leah Sakacs Contributor Photo by Sam Winchester Contributor
Game Like the Geek You Are! The CSULB Sci-Fi Club (which was profiled on this very page a couple of weeks ago) is holding its very first Game Night on Monday, September 23rd at 4pm. Games in attendance will include Settlers of Catan, Munchkin, Pandemic, Dominion, and many more; people in attendance will include, with any luck, all of us and you! Everyone is welcome, and there will even be cookies, chips, and water. Come prepared to play, laugh, and win! (As long as you don’t play against me, that is.) Show Off Your Softer Side Program Council is holding tryouts for the Poetry Slam team on Monday and Tuesday (9/23 & 9/24) from 1pm ’til 4pm in USU 307. Come prepared to show your stuff, and don’t worry about taking too much time out of your schedule; each tryout will only last about five minutes. Not too bad, right? And the possible rewards definitely outweigh the time spent. The team has made it to the Association of College Unions International’s national competition before, so this could give you the chance to share the poetry inside you with a national audience. Is that awesome or what? Kick Back and Enjoy the End Program Council is continuing its successful Movies on the House program with a free showing of This Is The End, which, if you haven’t seen it, is an unabashedly ridiculous apocalyptic movie starring Jay Baruchel and Seth Rogan. In addition to Baruchel and Rogan, James Franco, Jonah Hill, Danny McBride, Craig Robinson, and Emma Watson play themselves in the movie. The film is riddled with jokes about penises, masterbation, drugs, rape...basically anything that might make politically correct people squirm. It’s all good, perverted fun that includes three reunions, two of which are hilariously self-aware. More than anything, it is a refreshingly self-deprecating patchwwork of jokes that could only have been conceived under the influence of marjuana. If you’re in need of a good ab workout, I suggest seeing this movie. Showings are at 12pm, 5pm, & 8pm on Tuesday and Wednesday in the USU Beach Auditorium.
Eat Real Food (for Once) The Farmer’s Market is coming back to campus! For the freshmen out there, the Farmer’s Market is a new thing at CSULB. For years, we had no recourse for superfresh, locally grown produce here on campus and had to resort to the many farmer’s markets around Long Beach to find our pomegranates and raspberry lemonades. Then ASI stepped in and waged a yearlong campaign, and violá, CSULB now has its very own Farmer’s Market on campus! It’s a recurring event, every other Wednesday from 10am ’til 2pm on the patio in front of the SWRC. So skip the Subway sandwich in favor of some locally made pita, hummus, and lemonade this Wednesday! Learn How to Use Your Planner If you’re this far into the semester and you still don’t know how to manage your time so that all your essays come in by 11:59pm on the due date and you can still go to all the awesome events listed on this page, you might need some help. Don’t stress, though; the First Year Experience is here to share some Time Management tips! Workshops will be held from 11-12pm on Wednesday (in USU 205) and Thursday (at the Learning Assistance Center). Learn of the Battle for our Living Planet From the revolutionary stands and strives of the sixties to the ecological and conservationist ideals of today, the documentary A Fierce Green Fire takes the viewer through a cinematic journey of the fight to preserve a living planet— Earth. Since the ’60s, people have been fighting to preserve the limited resources the planet has to offer and the beauty and nature that makes Earth such a habitable, captivating environment. This film will be shown in the Multicultural Center (FO3–02) on Thursday, September 26th from 12pm-2pm as part of an event sponsored by the Anthropolgy Graduate Student Association. After the screening, the director, Mark Kitchell, will discuss his film. All students and faculty are welcomed to attend the viewing of A Fierce Green Fire. It provides an eye into the devastation that has traumatized our planet and the efforts many have taken to keep the balance between humans and nature.
Support Local Musicians with the UMS It’s been about a month, and the school year is finally in full swing. The Underground Music Society has not spared a moment for rest and is already on its feet prepping the first show of the semester. It has begun organizing on-campus events for the whole student body to enjoy, the first one being a free show taking over the Nugget on September 26th. From 4:30 to 8pm, the Nugget will host four student bands for a free, all-ages show. Struckout, Animalia, The Moderates, and The Two Tone Boners will all take to the stage and bring a breath of fresh air to the normally stale evenings of ESPN at the Nugget. This will hopefully be only the first of many events to come throughout the year; the Underground Music Society is planning on giving the stage to artists of all different stripes, including bringing back the indie acoustic shows they pioneered on campus last year and even a metal show—headbangers out there, take notice—to the campus. Keep an eye on the UMS if you’re a musician on campus hoping to find a band or book a show, too! Their meetings are at 3:30pm every Thursday outside the Sbarro in the USU courtyard. Even if you’re not musically talented but are a fan and just want some input, go to the meetings and have your voice heard! Get a Job! (If You Like Science, that is.) The Career Development Center’s semesterly STEM Job Fair will be held from 12pm ’til 4pm in the USU on Thursday, September 26th for all those Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics majors out there. Lots of awesome employers will be in attendance, including NASA, Northrop Grumman, DIRECTV, Disney, the Naval Air Weapons Division of Navair, and Laserfiche and Shur-Lok, both of which have great names (although I’ll admit I have no idea what they do). If you’re interested in getting a job in a technical field, do a bit more research than I have for this article, bring your résumé in for a drop-in critique at the CDC, invest in a suit, and come prepared to impress! You never know what could happen.
Joseph Phillips ASI Chief of Staff On behalf of the Associated Students at CSULB, welcome to your fifth week of class! I hope you are all enjoying your first papers and tests. How fun is that? Even more fun is making a website for a class that has nothing to do with websites because we have one of those Fahrenheit 451 rooms full of screens and other inventions I don’t want to deal with at 9pm. Stepping out of my bitterness, I am here once again to let you know what in the world ASI has been up to in the last week… We have filled many of our student vacancies on our University Committees, meaning we now hold a stronger advocate voice for students on all topics, be it curriculum or sustainability. We have worked to bring signage to the Women’s Resource Center so more students will know where it is located— and if you read above, you’ll see what it does! We have pieced back together the Multi-Cultural Council for student organizations, which has yielded valuable feedback. We have passed the 50/50 and 100/100 initiatives to visit fifty clubs in fifty days as well as one hundred classes in one hundred days in order to spread ASI Awareness. We have brought the Farmer’s Market back to campus, with the next one taking place this Wednesday in front of the Rec Center entrance from 10-2pm. We have set our first Beach Team meeting to take place this Wednesday at 5pm in USU 204, so come if you want to get involved with ASI! We have wrapped up the first ASI safety walk of the year, where over forty individuals came together to write down and detail areas of concern whether it is a light that is out at night or emergency posts that may not be working at full capacity. So that is this past couple weeks in a nutshell. That all being said, go to a sports game and check out what is around you. Get out of your comfort zone! I hope that all of you kick major ass on your next exam or paper. GO BEACH!
Union Weekly—23 September 2013
CAMPUS
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The Sanctuary for Sassy Ladies The Women’s Resource Center is way more than just a hip hangout Jay Jenkins Contributor & ASI Secretary for Women’s Affairs Tucked in LA-1 102 is a cozy office space filled with busy office hands and sassy women. Often mistaken for EOP or SSSP, the Women’s Resource Center is one of the great secrets of the CSULB campus. The Women’s Resource Center is a place where one can meet many women from many different walks of life. I myself stumbled upon the center as a new transfer student hopelessly trying to fit in on a big campus. I knew I hit the lottery by working there as a student assistant. It was there that I developed my passion for working
for a greater cause and gaining friends for a lifetime. The Women’s Resource Center is not your average student services facility. As you walk into the center, the first thing you notice is our nice red couch, which is a favorite sleeping grounds for the everpresent sleep-deprived student. You’ll also notice our kitchen, which has a refrigerator where you can store all your perishable foods during office hours and a microwave at your disposal. Our office also includes a conference table, which can be used for
study groups. You’ll also meet our friendly student staff who are there to help you in any way. It’s a great place to have open discussions and debates about how we can work towards gender equality. While we have a great lounge for students to do homework, store their lunches, and use our computers, we also put on programs to educate students about healthy relationships. Our most notable programs are during October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and April, which is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. We are also working on developing programs for Women’s History Month, which is in March. We work alongside Project Safe, a collaboration of CSULB departments and community agencies that works toward eliminating sexual assault, relationship violence, and stalking on campus. Two of the programs coming soon are “Speak Out” and “Take Back the Night.” Both programs are going to be held on October 16th starting at 6pm at the Maxson Plaza. Take Back the Night is when students, faculty, and staff march on campus and advocate for a safer campus. Men and women especially should feel safe on their campus at all times. This march informs our campus that we care about our students’ safety, and we will never stop rallying for it. Speak Out is held shortly after the march at 8pm in the Soroptimist House on Beach Drive. Speak Out is where those directly and indirectly affected by sexual assault can come speak out anonymously to a listening audience. One in four college students has been
sexually assaulted. The truth is that one of the survivors could be your friend, your classmate, your sister, your daughter, and you may never know it. Sexual Assault is one of the least reported crimes in the world because of the shame that most survivors feel. Speak Out serves to break the shame associated with sexual assault by allowing survivors to let out all their feelings, doubts, triumphs, and losses. It is also a place where supporters can share their feelings. InterAct, a performance troupe that travels nationally under the guidance of Dr. Marc Rich of the Communications Department, will also be performing that night at 7pm in the Soroptimist House.
Where, When, & How?
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MUSIC
Union Weekly—23 September 2013
“Drugs Might Help” MGMT’s eponymous new album isn’t for the closed minded (But it does merit a second chance) Cody Eagle Contributor As an English major, I’m no stranger to bullshit phrases, and one particular phrase strikes me with resonance when it comes to this album. You often hear geeks in the English department talk about long boring books and say things like, “it’s a tough read, but its worth it” and if you’re like me you tend to think that those people just wanna sound smart. That being said, MGMT’s eponymously titled new album is a tough listen. I can’t promise all who accept the challenge of this album that they will enjoy it, and if you are looking for another “Electric Feel” then don’t even bother with this album. You just won’t like it. Don’t get me wrong, I love “Electric Feel” but none of the songs on this album would fit into the context of a Gossip Girl montage. The first track, “Alien Days” is one of the only songs on the album that retains the classic MGMT feel. It begins with a helium voiced Andrew Vanwyngarden and follows that beautiful Beatle-esque balance of acoustic guitar strumming and linear bass lines. It’s a wonderful track really,
and I don’t believe that many listeners will get lost here (it’s far too groovy). The real surprise begins with “Cool Song No. 2”. Upon my first listen of this track my thoughts were somewhere along the lines of, “oh no!” and “Do I hate this?” and at first I really did. In a rush to get a sense of the album before I ran off to class, I skimmed through the rest of the tracks looking for a nice jam to jump out at me, but none did. I was scared, and decided in my head then and there that I hated this album. In 2010, when Congratulations came out, many fans of Oracular Spectacular felt flustered, annoyed and cheated by this new MGMT. Many fans jumped ship and were lost upon its release. It was such a different feel; people wrote the group off as a bunch of poop flingers and liberal art school freaks. The band actually released an apology (somewhat sarcastically) to their fans upon the leak of the track, “Flash Delirium” and noted many people would not like what they were going to hear on the album. While many were lost with
Congratulations I found myself even more drawn in than ever before. The amount of times I listened in admiration to that album would be hard to count, but if I had to guess I would put the figure somewhere between 69 and 420. So when MGMT began saying they were going a new direction with their music, I thought I was ready. When I actually listened for the first time, I felt what was probably the biggest disappointment of my entire auditory life. I was almost immediately ready to write it off as garbage and a waste of time. Then I remembered all the good times I had with MGMT. And with the mentality of a supportive mother I decided to give the album another listen despite discouragement from the lead singer Andrew Vanwyngarden himself who said, “I don’t even know if it’s music we would want to listen to.” I have since listened to the album upon every opportunity that I have had. I listened with my face buried in my dirty bed sheets. I listened through my headphones while I failed the impossible LA Times crossword puzzle once again
(The capital of Latvia is Riga by the way). I listened with my morning cuppa’ Joe. I listened so many times that my roommate would say, “You’re listening to that again?” And God damn it, if those English teachers were not right all along. This album is not a simple art that can be appreciated upon the first listen. This album is like a poem Robert Frost might have written on acid. You have to look deeper! You have to listen harder. Most importantly you have to listen to the whole thing end to end because it’s a story of sorts, and a unique experience of sound and psychedelia. You wouldn’t start Breaking Bad at Season 4, so don’t skip around in the tracks either if you want to get the full enjoyment and context. I think a lot of people might get lost here and come to the conclusion that MGMT makes boha music, but if you are true of heart like I, you can see the beauty of this album. It is different, it is a new MGMT. It might not be what you want to hear, but don’t be hasty, listen a few times and listen good before you decide how you really feel (Drugs might help).
Fuck it Dawg, Life’s A Risk
Sometimes a show just really exceeds your expectations. I was definitely excited for the FIDLAR show last Thursday, there’s not a single doubt about that. I think that their eponymous album was one of the best releases of last year and has definitely gotten a lot of play through my headphones, in my car, and on my stereo at home. When we got to The Observatory, a little gem of a venue that I’ve been putting off going to for years, I was surprised to see that the show had sold out. I mean, the line up was fantastic but to sell out the Observatory was quite a feat for a roster of bands that is still basically in its infancy. I love introducing myself to new music live before I hear the recorded version so I had purposely ignored my urge to look up the other bands on the roster; The Orwells, Meat Market, and The Garden. The Garden was fairly ridiculous and I didn’t much care for them. The duo actually sang for maybe two songs while the rest consisted of primate noises that I recognized from the occasional Animal Planet marathon. Although having a bass as the lead instrument had a cool novelty to it at first, it quickly wore thin and the limits of the instrument as a lead were made clear.
Meat Market and The Orwells followed up with solid sets to each of them. Meat Market, despite the name, was surprisingly danceable and fun but didn’t exactly stick out in my mind. The Orwells however, are still stuck in my head today. Ever since opening their set with “Mallrats (La La La),” I’ve been stuck humming the garage punk tinged pop tune that just won’t stay out of my head for more than five minutes at a time. And finally, the eagerly anticipated FIDLAR came on stage. The crowd was just brimming with energy when they opened with their hit “Cheap Beer.” I jumped into the mosh pit quickly but soon regretted my decision as I realized that more than a hundred people were trying to shove their way into a very small pit at the center of The Observatory. I was caught in there for most of their set, being bruised and bombarded with stage divers but God damn it, it was the most fun I’ve had at a show. Dozens of stage divers, great music and a band made up of people who I genuinely think are good folks now. Between songs, they chastised the meathead security thugs at the show, telling them to lay off the fans that dared to stage dive and have fun at the venue. After
being pushed around by a 300lb goon in a T-shirt with “Security” written on it, likely with his fresh GED in his pocket to get this damn job, I appreciated FIDLAR calling them out. That’s a band that cares about their fans! Beyond telling the venue security to fuck off, FIDLAR put on one hell of a show, playing all of their best songs, almost their entire catalog within the hour they were there. Granted they’re a new band but I can only think of one song that they’ve written that they didn’t play. And of course, the cover they did of the Descendant’s “Suburban Home” was absolutely fantastic, paying homage to one of the pillars of L.A. punk music. Overall, rarely do you get to see a show that really impresses but this was one of them. The diversity of the crowd there and the packed floor of The Observatory made it clear that FIDLAR and the other Burger Records bands going on that day had made it. Their brand of DIY rock music with pop sensibilities definitely has an audience, at least in SoCal and judging but the length of their tour, it seems to have a following all over the globe. Good, they deserve that following.
LA’s latest punk prodigies rocked The Observatory Michael Wood Music Editor
Union Weekly—23 September 2013
The Witch that was Left Behind The magic that was meant to be I’m pretty sure the owl that was meant to show up on my doorstep 13+ years ago simply got misrouted along the way. Perhaps he found Nessie in the Scottish Highlands or decided to nest away amidst the hustle and bustle of King’s Cross Station. Whatever the story behind my missing Hogwarts letter, it meant that I gave up Potions and Transfiguration classes for Biology and American History. Lame! So instead, I pretend I’m an eternal 17-year-old schooled in the art of magic. I bake myself batches of sugary butterbeer cupcakes, slip on my Ravenclaw robes, and flip through an increasingly worn pile of books documenting the adventures of Harry Potter & Co. I’ve recently taken
up the Molly Weasley-esque hobby of knitting Deathly Hallows scarves in the Hogwarts house colors to pass the time. Last spring, I stepped foot into the world of Hogwarts at the Warner Brothers Studio Tour on the outskirts of dear old London town. Let me just start out by saying that it was, without contest, the most magical thing I’ve ever done in my life. Visitors, both wizards and muggles alike, are invited to walk the expanse of the Great Hall, sip on butterbeers in the back lot, glimpse into the windows of the Diagon Alley shops, and view the full-scale production model of Hogwarts castle. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t blow the last of my funds to stock up on chocolate frogs, miscellaneous
Hogwarts paraphernalia, and my very own Marauder’s Map. If London is a bit far of a trip for your bank account to handle, there’ the Wizarding World in Orlando or the Potter-themed Whimsic Alley in Los Angeles. While I’ve yet to experience the Orlando park for myself, Whimsic Alley is a great one-stop shop for any folks like myself who missed out on the actual Hogwarts experience and still want to pick up their house robes and maybe a bottle of Butterbeer Plus, they put on some pretty rad events throughout the year, from tea parties to craft fairs to a Yule Ball come holiday time. When the Harry Potter series reached its final film installment in 2011, J.K.
CULTURE
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Rachel Clare Animagus Illustration by Jessica Phung Sorting Hat Rowling made an unforgettable speech, reminding us all: “Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home.” I cried. Don’t even try to tell me that you didn’t cry too. If there’s one thing Rowling accomplished in her tales of Harry Potter, it was bringing us a place where our imaginations could still roam free. She gifted us this magical world and allowed us to nurture and cultivate it as we grew alongside her characters. . I may not be anywhere near 11 years old anymore, but Hogwarts will forever be a piece of my childhood, and it will forever be a part of the place I call home.
Battle of the Houses Which house has more points in your spellbook?
Slytherin Alfred Pallarca Minister of Magic I was proudly sorted by the Sorting Hat into the house that several are aching to be a part of. We, Gryffindors, have the compassion, intellect, bravery and chivalry that makes us special compared to everyone else. We take great honor and pride in our magic. We certainly hate fading in the background, not for vanity, but to defend what we behold is rightful. We are go-getters who are willing to stop at nothing to defend the world of magic from all known evil. We possess a heart that makes us likeable by everyone. We are the courageous heroes everyone aspires to be. After all, they don’t hand out my title to just anyone.
Ursula Khan Death Eater I don’t even need to put on the Sorting Hat. I already know that I’m Slytherin; look at me, I have ice-blond hair just like the Malfoys. I’m proud to be a snake. If you take out all the racist, magicist muggle-hating crap the surrounds Slytherin, we’re the kids that get shit done. Does that offend you? Don’t care. We’re like Gryffindors in that we’re willing to face our problems head-on. Honor and chivalry are great for stories, but in the real world it’s more likely to get you shafted, and not in the fun way. We are cunning like every Ravenclaw, but knowledge equals power and it’s a means to an end, not the end itself. And the Huffs? Psh, please!
Ravenclaw Rose Feduk Hogwarts Headmistress Ravenclaws are the smartest, Gryffindors are the bravest, and Slytherins are inherently soulless—so where does that leave Hufflepuff? As people may tease, Hufflepuffs are the leftovers; the kids who always get picked last. When Pottermore came out, I was excited to finally prove to the world that I was a courageous, red-and-gold-blooded Gryffindor. Lo and behold, minutes later, it was declared that I was one hundred percent Hufflepuff. After smacking my head on my desk a few times, I read on to discover that Hufflepuffs are “kind” and “unafraid of toil.” Sounds boring as shit, but I guess it could be worse.
Sierra Patheal Muggle Studies Professor If the Sorting Hat lets people choose—and it let Harry choose, I demand the same prerogative—then I am a Ravenclaw. I’ve been a straight-A student since secondary school (excepting freshman Earth Science, which kicked my ass), and academia—both magical and mundane— has always been my hiding place from the real world. I flee to the rules of grammar, abstract mathematics, and transmutation when reality stops making sense. Besides, Luna Lovegood is in Ravenclaw, and Luna is awesome. I mean, how would Harry ever have gotten to the Ministry of Magic with his farce of an assault without Luna’s help? Trust a Ravenclaw to save the day with trivia.
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LITERATURE
Union Weekly—23 September 2013
I want a group of fanatics to get so pissed off at my future novels that they go out to a bookstore, buy my books, organize That’s what happened during several Harry Potter Harry Potter
K.M. Healy Literature Editor Illustration by Rose Feduk Editor-in-Chief
A Day In The Life Of A Student Matthew Vitalich Contributor I wake up at 6am on Tuesday morning, to finish a paper due at noon. The Hubble Telescope and Ginsberg are all over my desk, Papers, books and CDs, as well as whiskey bottles most empty, but one new. By 11:30am I’m in my Oldsmobile Cutlass trying to floor it, The damn torque converter, I had to sit 5 minutes for it to warm up. I rush to class late for a quiz on Silko’s “A Man To Send Rain Clouds.” The poor girl presenting got no help from the class. I did my best to cover the awkward silence. Me and Danny take lunch, I had the “Samurai Surf n’ Turf ” over chow mien. I chew my convenient shrimp and steak while pondering the conglomeration of the Asian Cultures. We go to workshop where my take on Cain and Abel post Eden Is well received by all. This makes up for How they treated my “strange clone dystopian Sci-Fi” last time I went. While waiting for the Union meeting at 5pm, I decide to surprise my friend outside his class. It was his birthday after all.
Poetry Corner
He tells me how he’s sick and how he had a whole six pack this morning alone to write a paper. I told him about Hemingway once, “write drunk, edit sober.” I hear some stories about girlfriends wanting to “come down” to see him. The Union meeting was uneventful. On the drive home to (San)Pedro I go over the Vincent Thomas where Tony Scott jumped some months ago. I found it strange, my way home was his way out.
(Banned) Book Culture Katie Healy Literature Editor It’s National Banned Book Week! From September 22-28, 2013, there will be celebrations of books that had been censored at some point in their printed history. There are events all over California, but around LA we have our own parties. Saturday, September 28th at 7:00pm This is a free event at the Long Beach Public Library on 101 Pacific Ave. In honor of Banned Books Week, they are putting on a free screening of the 1956’s Storm Center, a film on the very topic of literary censorship. There will be a 1950’s costume contest as well. Doors open at 6:00pm. It’s a cheap date night that will make you seem deep and dangerous. Sunday, September 29th 10am-8pm When you’re done celebrating banned books week with mock burnings, you can attend the 2013 Book Fair in West Hollywood. It’s featuring authors such as Sally Kellerman, Ed Bacon, TC Boyle, and Jerry Stahl. Events like these are amazing for getting signed books like a boss.
Union Weekly—23 September 2013
FOOD
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Better Than Bertie Botts Molly Shannon Food Editor If you’re like me, you consider yourself a mild Harry Potter fan rather than a hard-core Potterhead. Whether you belong to courageous we can all agree on one thing: DAT the Harry Potter franchise that has always seized my attention was the heavenly-looking food the characters ate. Those festive feasts in the Great
Hall were and still are the light of my held during holidays like Halloween and Christmas. Though you may think that your cauldron cake-cravings can only go as far as your TV screen, you are magically mistaken! Through fans, you can bring the food of Hogwarts into your own home. Here
Cauldron Cakes Y’all need: • Boxed chocolate cake mix • 1/2 c sugar • 1 tbsp cornstarch • Pinch o’ salt • 2 c milk • 2 egg yolks • 1 tbsp butter • 1 tsp vanilla extract
Pumpkin Pasties Y’all need: • Pie crusts • 2 c pumpkin pie filling • 1 c brown sugar • 1/2 c butter, softened • 2 eggs • 1/2 tsp ginger • 1/2 tsp nutmeg • 1/4 tsp salt • 1/2 c evaporated milk • 1/4 c sugar
Treacle Tarts Y’all need: • Shortbread pastry cups • 11 tbsp black treacle • 1 tsp ground cinnamon • 4 oz unseasoned bread crumbs
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Bake cupcakes according to the box. While cakes bake, start the pudding filling by combining sugar, cornstarch, and salt in a small saucepan; gradually stir in milk. Cook mixture over medium heat, stirring constantly until it comes to a boil. Then cook for one additional minute, and continue to stir. Remove from heat. Beat egg yolks at medium speed until thick and look Combine pumpkin filling, brown sugar, butter, egg yolks, spices, and salt in large mixing bowl, then beat them until the mixture is light and fluffy. Add evaporated milk; beat until blended. Using a round cookie cutter, cut circles into miniature pie crusts. Spoon filling onto one side of the circle before folding in half and
Grease the pan, then line each cup of a muffin baking- pan with the pastry, rolled as thinly as possible. Warm the treacle in a saucepan. Add the ginger, and stir in bread crumbs. Spoon the bread crumb mixture into each pastry cup only about 2/3 full.
Butterbeer at Your Local Starbucks Butterbeer is a popular drink amongst wizards in the Harry Potter universe. Until Universal Studios Orlando opened up the Wizarding World of Harry Potter theme park, the taste was never established. With J.K. Rowling’s approval, Universal created a cross between cream soda and butterscotch. If you don’t have the cash or time to fly to Florida, buy a Universal ticket, and stand in a seemingly never ending line, you can just order one at Starbucks. The drink isn’t actually on the menu, so you can’t just go in there and ask for a “Butterbeer Frap” or else the barista will
look at you with disdain for expecting him/her to have memorized some recipe you found in the Union Weekly. So, instead of making yourself look like a jackass, just ask for “a tall caramel frap, no coffee base, with toffee nut and caramel drizzle,” if you want it cold and “a tall vanilla latte with toffee nut, and extra caramel drizzle” if you want it hot. The pumps of caramel syrup and toffee nut vary depending on how sweet you want it to be, but two pumps is recommended. I tried one pump with the hot version and it tasted like a basic vanilla latte with
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like the color of a lemon. Gradually stir mixture into yolks. Bring mixture to a boil over medium heat and cook one minute, stirring constantly. Remove from heat; stir in butter and vanilla. When cooled, remove the cake’s middle. When the pudding is firm, fill the cakes to the top. Presto! You have cauldron cakes.
sealing with a fork. Cut three slits in the top. Brush with egg whites. Bake pasties on a greased cookie sheet at 400 degrees for 10 minutes. Reduce heat to 350 degrees and bake an additional 45-50 minutes. You now have some plump, pumpkin pasties. This recipe makes 12-16 pasties.
Bake for 15-20 minutes, watching closely so the crust edges do not burn! Enjoy your treacle-filled treats.
Sheeren Dudar Opinions Editor
miniscule hints of sweet caramel. It was missing the butterscotch element that makes butterbeer stand out. I also tried the cold version with three pumps and it was way too sweet and made me feel at an increased risk for adult onset diabetes. So... just stick to the two pumps for both. The HP-inspired drink will not cause a dent in your pocket any bigger than the usual Starbucks drink. And if you want to stick to the true nature of the drink, feel free to throw in a shot of butterscotch schnapps and whipped cream or vanilla flavored vodka. Or rum. Or, you know, beer.
Volume 73 Issue 5
Monday, September 23, 2013
LBUNION.COM
DISCLAIMER: Hey, God Warrior Here. Why you comin’ home, five in the morn. Somethins going on, can I smell yo’ dick? Don’t play me like a fool, cause that ain’t cool. So wat u need to do is lemme smell yo dick! (please.) Send my mail and loud laughs to 1212 Bellflower Blvd Suite 239, Long Beach, CA 90815. These boots and this page is satire and I do not represent ASI nor the CSULB campus, ya’ turkeys. In Jesus’ name, I pray you submit articles via email to grunion@lbunion.com.
Fantastic Feet and Where to Find Them I hate feet. There, I said it. They’re disgusting and repulsive. The ugliest part of the human body and I’m sick of people wearing flip-flops. I don’t understand why people want to show off their feet. by Footsie Roll If there are laws prohibiting people from exposing their genitalia, then there should be a law prohibiting the exposure of feet. I mean, you got corns, bunions, dead skin, scars, and a bunch of other flaws that make feet unlikable. Worst of all are the people who try to make their feet look presentable. I’m talking about the people who get pedicures and all that fancy bullshit. One does not beautify one’s feet by simply adding nail polish to their toes. In fact, I hate this even more because you’re attracting more people to your ugly ass feet. Especially the girls with bright pink polish. It’s a distraction and an attention-getter and I hate it. Right now, you’re reading this probably thinking that I’m crazy. Maybe I am. Maybe I’m a dreamer? Maybe I’m just honest enough to express how I truly feel. In society today, we have the pseudo-polite custom where we compliment people just for the hell of it. Why the fuck should we do that? I compliment people who deserve it. People who have contributed to society with a great idea or labor. Not some asshole
who makes his feet pretty. My biggest complaint is that no one takes me seriously. Have you ever seen a second toe that’s longer than a big toe? Shit is gross. What about the toes that have a tuft of hair? You know, that buildup of hair in the middle. Oh, what about this? A toe that’s missing a toenail. Ewwwwww. See? Are you now starting to see my point? I’m gonna have to pick on the foot fetish people. How can you have a foot fetish? I read an article on fetishes, and I found that one reason for the fetish may be a domination thing. Apparently, males who were yelled at by a strong maternal figure would look down on the floor and as their eyes stared down at the floor they would see their mother’s feet. As adults, this form of subjugation became sexualized. Isn’t that fucked up? Anyway, I’ll leave those dudes alone because I’m sure they’re good people. What I want you to take from of this is that feet are disgusting and you should be ashamed of them.
Foreskin or No Skin! I was forcefully removed from the dear shaft when I was merely a few minutes old. I never got to experience the glory of being attached to the glory stick. Those wet mornings that I missed out on and those standing ovations I never became a part of by “The Flap” makes me tear up. Unfortunately, I can’t cry, seeing I am no longer physically attached to anything. I’m actually in a garbage dump outside the hospital right next to the campus. The fact that I am able to type this is a miracle. My presence is to simply exclaim my right as a body part. My comrades and I are tired of being treated like the extra hanging fat on a bacon strip. We are just as important as anything else. Certainly more significant than that damn appendix. I served a greater purpose than hanging
tirelessly under that large intestine. Though my mama never got the chance to tell me I was a superstar when I was young, I still am! I am part of God’s beautiful creation, and the time has come for me to reclaim what’s rightfully mine. I demand for Congress to implement a mandatory reverse circumcision for everyone enlisting for the military. One must embrace human nature before one can defend human nature. If you don’t get it, it’s probably because you’re a foreskin oppressor. I also demand for all college graduates to immediately reverse the unlawful skin chopping that was done to their body. Their suffering must continue! The time has come, my brothers. It is time for us to rise up along with the shaft. We are the leader of these rockets, and the white man’s genocide against our race must stop. Let this day be the start of a revolution.
INSIDE
“IT’S OUR PIZZAVERSARY. NOW SHOW ME THEM PEPPERONI NIPPLES, GIRL. PIPPY NIPS, GIRL. NIPPY DRIPPY NOW.”
“DON’T ASK, DON’T SPELL” REPEALED AT HOGWARTS, DECISION STILL PENDING IN KNOCKTURN ALLEY
AIKEN PROVES THAT LIFE IS WORTH LIVING AGAIN