Relaxing at the Beach

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“Waking up in the darkness of the lights. . .”

INTRO

Issue 79.6

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Christopher Orozco , Union Weekly Advertising and Distribution Executive

Alejandro Ramos, Editor-in-Chief editorinchief@lbunion.com Bailey Mount, Managing Editor manager@lbunion.com Nathan Zankich, Web Manager web@lbunion.com Alexis Cruz, Social Media Manager Andrew Linde, Multimedia Manager Allison Meyer, Multimedia Assistant Christopher Orozco, Advertising/Distribution ART & DESIGN Sam Orihuela, Art Director artdirector@lbunion.com John Mueller, Graphics Illustrator illustration@lbunion.com EDITORIAL Matthew Gozzip, Athletics Editor athletics@lbunion.com Sylvana Uribe, Community Editor community@lbunion.com Amanda Del Cid, Community Editor community@lbunion.com Sheila Sadr, Copy Editor

Madison Gallegos, Culture Editor madison@lbunion.com

Hablamos con Ramos

Peter R. Clark, Entertainment Editor entertainment@lbunion.com

Alex Ramos Editor-In-Chief

Amanda Dominguez-Chio, Culture Editor amanda@lbunion.com

Zach Phelps, Food Editor food@lbunion.com Grim Fandango, Grunion Editor grunion@lbunion.com Kaila-Marie Hardaway, Music Editor music@lbunion.com Elliott Gatica, Music Editor music@lbunion.com Jordan Daniels, Opinions Editor opinions@lbunion.com Mario Lopez, Travel Editor travel@lbunion.com

STAFF WRITERS Martha Quijano Karrie Comfort CONTRIBUTORS Isaura Aceves, Selena Gonzalez, Rachel Haering, Eric Herschler, David Schell, Ross Siev, Aaron Valdivia COVER DESIGN BY: Sam Orihuela FEATURE DESIGN BY: Sam Orihuela CONTACT US Snail Mail: 1212 Bellflower Blvd. Suite 116 Long Beach, CA 90815 Phone: 562.985.4867 E-mail: lbunion.info@gmail.com Classifieds: classifieds.lbunion@gmail.com

@UnionWeekly

What up, young people!

This week was quite a roller coaster ride.

It had its ups. It had more downs. It had twists and loops I wasn’t ready for. I’m just glad it’s finally over so I can catch my breath and keep my lunch down.

For starters, my week began on a low point. Remember how I mentioned getting sick last week? Well, I was still feeling it on Monday. I couldn’t pay attention in class or get through my tasks for work without a constant stream of hot tea and tissues.

It was bad. Take my experience as fair warning that cold and flu season is coming.

Be ready.

Somewhere around the middle of the week things started to turn around. I got the chance to be a speaker on a panel to discuss the First Amendment and its influence during election season. To be honest, though, I got lost through most of it. The conversation veered off from a conversation on the First Amendment to

one about the FCC and its impact on overthe-air broadcasts. Despite my confusion, I learned a lot from that conversation and had a chance to meet very distinguished and accomplished men.

Things went sour by the end of the week, though. I don’t want to go into the details of what happened, but just know that it was not good. I made a mistake and it led to a lot of feelings of frustration and self-doubt. If I learned anything from the experiences it’s that his job isn’t easy or forgiving. Every fuck up feels heavy.

Unfortunately, I tend to carry that kind of weight with me for a while, even if I fix it.

In short, it was an exhausting week. I was not prepared for anything that happened. All I want now is a six-pack of Corona, al pastor tacos, and the company of my girlfriend and her dog, Coco.

Unfortunately, I won’t really get a chance to sit back and relax. As soon as we’re done with the production of this issue, I’m gonna have to go home, get a couple of hours of sleep, then wake up early to a busy day of

chores and homework.

And so, that is the life of your hardworking and sleep deprived editor-in-chief.

I have work almost every day of the week.

Despite all the work I have laid out for me, I still make an effort to enjoy myself.

And that’s what this week’s feature is all about. We went out and scouted some of the ways you can relax and unwind while on campus. It’s not exactly groundbreaking journalism, but that’s okay. We needed to slow it down and take it easy for a week.

I think you guys should do the same.

This is one of the tough stretches of the semester. Take some time to zen out and plan ahead. Go over your assignment and exam schedule and make sure you’re up to date with everything. Visit your professors and instructors during office hours and get their feedback.

Most importantly, make sure you are doing okay by checking in with yourself. Get enough sleep. Eat three meals. Drink more water. You got this. I believe in you.

Disclaimer and Publication Information: The Union Weekly is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of their individual authors, not the Union Weekly, ASI nor CSULB. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the Union Weekly staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, CSULB students will have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. The Union Weekly will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustration, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. The Union Weekly assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

4 OPINIONS

Re: Living in a Dating Wasteland A student’s response to last week’s opinion on dating

By Eric Herschler Contributor Being a four-year veteran of the university, I feel confident enough in saying that the dating scene here is incredible. It really is. But you have to escape your bubble to reach it.

Last week’s “Living in a Dating Wasteland” article reeked of frustration and bitterness towards the entire dating culture scene. I admired the author’s perspective on the dating scene, but I really disliked how the author generalized entire majors; “The engineering students are awkward. The athletes only date other athletes.” These viewpoints are cliché and hurtful for the people who do not fall into this neat little box that the author has categorized them into. Frankly, I’m a little disappointed that a paper that consistently boasts about how progressive they are would print something so archaic and outdated. But it is the opinions column after all. So here’s my opinion.

I would like to ask every lonely person on campus a question. What have you done to circumvent your dire dating situation?

Have you been active in your efforts to meet new people? Do you physically approach and

engage with people that you are attracted to? Or do you just stand in the corner like a wallflower waiting for someone to talk to you (lamenting the death of modern romance like a wistful Caulfield)?

It’s so easy to blame others for a lack of

something, you have to work for it.

I was a total loser around women in high school because I never broke out of my bubble to meet new people. That changed in college.

When I became a freshman, I made a vow to myself that I would talk to EVERYONE I met

success, especially in the dating scene. I know so many people who are waiting for the right person to just fall into their lap. They might end up waiting forever because that’s not how the real world works. Compare the act of dating to the act of finding a job. Would you just wait for a job to fall in your lap, or would you actively shop around until you found a job that appealed to you? If you want

in all of my classes. And I did. In the past four years, I’ve met some lifelong friends. I’ve fallen in and out of love, and I’ve been lucky enough to have my heart broken a few times.

There was also an endless sea of rejection that I sifted through before I found people that I was compatible with. It took time, but it was worth it.

It’s not too late to start talking to people

in your classes. If you want to find hot local singles in your area, you will have to make a concentrated effort to meet new people. Once you start meeting new people, opportunities to date will spring up. So talk to people. Go to different places. Pick up a sociable hobby. Just stop making excuses as to why you can’t find anyone to date.

There are people on campus who just want to hook up. That’s ok. There are also people on campus who are looking for a relationship. That’s ok, too. It’s up to you to decide on what you’re looking for. Just don’t tell me that no one on campus has time to date. There’s 37,000+ people here. Have some self-confidence.

PS I really despise it when people blame their personal dating problems on the rise of “the hookup culture”. That is such a scapegoat problem. Hooking up is nothing new. In fact, one could make the argument that the dating culture is a far more recent invention than the hookup culture. Humans have been hooking up since literally the dawn of time. I can’t imagine us stopping soon.

The New York Post made a list of the 15 best places to live in the U.S., listing Long Beach as fourth.

When I read their reason why they think it’s a great place to live in, they mentioned the city’s bike-friendly environment. That had me thinking for a second.

I endured months and months of driving to downtown and constantly having to look for a different route because of the construction to add those bike lanes. The two lanes that I had taken for granted in the past turned into one to accommodate the new lane dedicated to environmentally friendly travellers.

Now, I’m a little concerned that those were the only reasons they found as to why Long Beach made it in the top 15, because the city is more than just the bike lanes and dog parks.

For one, Long Beach is central to

everything in the Los Angeles county.

The most popular beaches and some of the biggest shopping malls in Southern California are just a few minutes away, according to USA Today.

Don’t have weekend plans but want them? You name it and the city’s got it.

There are always events happening in neighborhoods, such as Bixby Knolls and Belmont Shore, that include music, art, food and drinks.

To give you a glimpse of those types of events, Bixby Knolls has “First Fridays,” which, as the name suggests, happens on the first Friday of every month. They have locals playing live music, restaurants that welcome you like family, and plenty of activities that people of all ages can enjoy.

Heading downtown to the East Village Art District, there is an art walk every

second Saturday of the month, which I think is a great way to get to know the community.

Art galleries, boutiques, and food trucks make the experience utterly memorable.

Above all, Long Beach is filled with unique groups of people from different backgrounds, with different stories to tell.

Some people argue that the city is not as diverse as we really think it is, but I’ve learned so much about different cultures living here than in any other city I’ve visited or lived in before.

Long Beach doesn’t just have one identity. It is a multifaceted community that embraces culture, history, innovation, and so much more. It is a place where anyone can feel like they are a part of something that relates to their race, religion, sexuality, or anything that they are passionate about.

“There was also an endless sea of rejection that I sifted through before I found people that I was compatible with.”

Are We the Best?

We’re bikefriendly, but are we fun?

By Martha Giron Quijano Staff Writer Photos by Sylvana Uribe Community Editor

Amazon @ The Beach now open

COMMUNITY

One Beach Stop For Online Shopping

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By Selena Gonzalez Contributor Photos by Aaron Valdivia Contributor

It’s time for us to go broke.

Amazon, the world’s largest online retailer has come to the Beach.

If you have been watching the news lately and have seen those package bandits — or porch pirates, depending on your type of slang — raiding porches of online shoppers, then you are in luck. The campus site is for students who want to keep their online shopping addiction on the low.

Amazon @ The Beach, which has floor to ceiling cubbies, allows for anyone to pick up their online novelties during business hours, all through the convenience of your smartphone.

That’s right. All you have to do, besides paying, is simply walk up to a kiosk and scan the barcode Amazon provides you with and

BOOM! A locker will open and your goodies will be delivered right to you.

This comes right in time for the holidays.

So if you are trying to have your shopping done, but have a nosey one at home, this location is the perfect thing for you.

Amazon @ The Beach isn’t just a pickup site. If you are one of those shoppers who likes to buy and return, no worries. There will be customer service representatives there who can help you return your items and even ship out if you are a seller.

Even former students are getting in on the action. Alejandra Hernandez, who graduated last year from CSULB has returned home to help her fellow schoolmates in the never ending book buying craze. She is the site

manager for this location.

“It feels nice to know that I know the

“With this new addition to our campus, it looks like those porch bandits might actually have to get a job.”

campus. I worked in the bookstore for 5 years. I left a year to work for Amazon and came back to somewhere I can call home,” Hernandez said.

This new partnership helps everyone involved. Amazon keeps making its chaching and shares some of extra bucks with the school, while the students who live and commute get their things delivered in a faster and safer way.

With this new addition to our campus, it looks like those porch bandits might actually have to get jobs. Sorry, not sorry.

Amazon @ The Beach is open seven days a week and is located at the site of the former copy center adjoining the University Bookstore, next to Lot 5.

The Climate of Free Speech Panel discusses protected speech in an election cycle As writers, the First Amendment is held close to us because it directly affects us and our careers. It affects our right to free speech and our right to free press.

But what are the limitations to our free speech? How much of it is protected?

This topic was covered in the panel, “Protected Speech in an Election Cycle,” which included Union Weekly Editor-inChief, Alejandro Ramos, The Daily 49er Editor-in-Chief, Micayla Vermeeren, and KBeach Radio’s News and Sports Director, Rebecca Perez. They joined the discussion regarding where lines are drawn and where they blur when speech is covered in media and by media.

With the upcoming presidential election being a focal point to the conversation, there was a lot of talk about how the lines of protected speech are being skewed. Both candidates were critiqued with their usage and control of the media.

“I found it ironic...that Donald Trump uses this anti-media narrative while he brilliantly uses the media and has for 15, 16 months,” said John Shrader, the moderator of the panel.

Dr. Craig Smith, the founder and Director Emeritus of the Center For First Amendment Studies, noted that rhetoric and language has changed to the point where, as we’ve seen in many cases especially with Trump,

candidates can say what they want and not be held accountable for their words.

It is true that we live in a world where`our rights to speech are constantly challenged and changed on a case-by-case basis, yet medias are regulated and restricted on what they can and cannot broadcast and report.

Kevin Johnson, the Director for the Center For First Amendment Studies, delved into a brief analysis of Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

Johnson brought up observations where Clinton is often noted for casting Russia as an evil entity, which threatens the national security of the United States.

The student panelists agreed that in many ways, the media has lost the public’s trust with factual reporting. Instead, criticism has grown over redirecting efforts toward sensationalizing to raise the public interest and involvement at the expense of reporting what actually needs to be talked about.

Bill Dallman, the News Director of CBS Los Angeles said, “Everyone’s a publisher… now, every single claim is subject to, ‘is this right, is this wrong, is this too outrageous?’”

As the panel began to wind down, they shared their struggles of keeping a publication fair, factual and interesting.

According to Dallman, “you all have to make sure that you have the highest standards of yourself.”

By Jordan Daniels Opinions Editor Photos by David Schell Contributor

Top right: Dr. Craig Smith of the Center for First Amendment Studies addresses the audience at the Protected Speech in an Election Cycle panel.

Above: Union Weekly Editor-in-Chief Alejandro Ramos, left, and Daily 49er Editor-in-Chief Micayla Vermeeren participated as student panelists.

6 ATHLETICS

Kevin Garnett Wins Against Father Time Reflecting on the legend of a legend

By Matthew Gozzip Athletics Editor

A blizzard storms through Minneapolis – a small village tucked away in the most remote regions of the National Basketball Association (NBA).

The bombardment of sleet blinds any who come near, the cold whiteness just as cruel as the bleakest darkness.

And suddenly…

BANG! A small quake erupts from within the dormant Target Center. The villagers are perplexed. They haven’t set foot inside that arena in nearly a decade.

Great battles of basketball were once held there, where warriors from the distant lands, like the grisly Sczerbiak from Spain and the wayward Wisconsonite Spreewell, protected the town.

Even alien species like S’am Cass-E-ll came from other planets to defend Minneapolis’ honor.

Legend has it that there was one particular individual that truly dominated the field, a man tall as a tree with the agility and dexterity of a timber wolf. He was so intimidating that during one battle he reduced his own ally to tears.

The doors to the Target Center flung open.

A godly sage appeared before them all. His beautiful bald head glistened amidst the snow, a beacon of hope for better times. An impeccably coiffed graying goatee indicated his wisdom. He was holding a chunk of a basketball stanchion with his head imprinted in it.

He smiled a devilish, angelic, frightening, and beautiful smile.

And the whole village remembered him: it was “The Big Ticket”, “KG”, the baddest baller during a particularly rugged period in NBA history.

It was the savior, Kevin Garnett.

Kevin Garnett means a lot of things to a lot of people.

To me, he is a folk hero.

When I was six, my father bought me the book, “At the Buzzer!: Havlicek Steals, Erving Soars, Magic Deals, Michael Scores!”.

He probably bought it because I liked picture books and this particular book had a ton of them. Little did I know that “At The Buzzer” was the most comprehensive anthology of NBA basketball history at the time. Kevin Garnett wrote the foreword to the book when he was barely coming into his prime and I was astounded at how wise he sounded.

Even though I followed the Lakers, I also

followed Kevin Garnett. I didn’t make enough money from chores to save up for a jersey, the ultimate sign of loyalty in the sports world, but I made sure to read Minnesota Timberwolves box scores, the team he played on, to see how well he performed.

KG defied reality for me. This slim power forward outmuscled centers bigger than him and eluded backcourt players that were smaller than him. From 2005 to 2011, there was nobody that could defend as well as he could.

More than anything though, KG’s mentality was what made him a transcendent player. One time in a game, he missed a free throw. Instead of brushing it off, KG smacked the ball on his head seven times and yelled at it.

Four smacks to the head is standard frustration for a person.

Five smacks is extreme anger.

Six smacks is borderline maniacal behavior.

KG did it seven times.

Tyronn Lue, his former teammate, recently shared a story of how KG got so excited when he was watching Puff Daddy’s show, “Making the Band”, that he was sweating and yelling while rooting for a new singing group to take the spot of an incumbent group. He was so emotional that he head-butted a hole in the wall.

Nobody else had that level of sheer lunacy in the NBA, a game predicated on finesse and graceful acrobatics. Strangely enough, everyone fed off KG’s distinct aura: coaches, teammates and fans alike. Some say they are unnecessary antics, but it can’t be refuted; KG made everyone feel excited.

Even though KG never brought a title to Minnesota, the city fell in love with him. In a small market with a blue collar attitude, tenacity was just as important a trait as anything.

Whenever Garnett played, no matter who it was for, his team had a chance to win. The dude was borderline insane. He yelled when he lost. He yelled when he was victorious. Garnett proved craziness is a beneficial attribute.

History will be kind to Garnett, the man who had it all worked as hard as the man who had little. The man with little resonated with that belief, that the sometimes insane pursuits for greatness pay off if they never gave up.

To put that rhetoric in a more relatable Garnettian perspective: ANYTHING IS POSSSSIBBBBBLLLLLLLE.

7 FEATURE

Relaxing at the Beach

By Alejandro Ramos Editor-in-Chief It’s that time of the semester already.

It’s time for you to buckle down, hit the books, and do your best to absorb and process all the information you need to pass your midterms. You’ve been through this before. You know what to do. You’re getting ready with flash cards and pages of color coded notes. You’re stocking up on coffee and snacks to keep up through the long nights of studying before every test.

You’re going to look in the mirror and tell yourself you can do it.

Well, we’re here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be this way.

We know it can get tough during this time. That’s why we took it upon ourselves to find ways that you can relax on campus. These methods won’t make your midterms easier, but they will help you find some peace and clear your head.

8 FEATURE

(Right) Students can relax and feed fish at the Earl Burns Miller Japanese Garden. (Bottom left) The Student Recreation and Wellness Center offers students a chance to exercise and meditate.

By Bailey Mount Managing Editor The Student Recreation and Wellness Center Working out is the last thing on many of our minds. Even less so, the Student Recreation and Wellness Center (SRWC) on campus is not the first spot we think of when it comes to trying to unwind.

Located on the easternmost end of campus, it’s a place more likely to be associated with its close parking structure than anything else.

The SRWC has only been open since 2010, but in its six years it has provided students with a myriad of both fitness

activities and opportunities for self-care.

Whether you’re looking to get out some excess energy between classes or escape the large crowds, the SRWC is the place for you. In terms of group fitness, the gym showcases six different kinds of yoga, four Zumba classes - speaking from personal experience, the most fun you’ll ever have working out - and multiple cardio events. Individual fitness ranges anywhere from open bag boxing to meditation.

Fitness aside, relaxation at the SRWC is highly encouraged. The Beach Balance center, located on the second

“Miller Collins stated that she wants people to leave the garden with the proverb ‘bamboo bends but never breaks’ in mind.” floor, provides numerous weekly health service benefits for students as well, from Meditation Mondays to Safe Sex Fridays.

Thursdays feature free chair massages, a benefit only offered once a semester in the USU that many students probably aren’t even aware of. Massages on any other day cost $25 for a thirty minute session and must be scheduled 24 hours in advance.

Upcoming events for the SRWC include the SRWCinema Block Party on Sept. 29 in the Aquatics Center. It will feature fitness competitions, yard games, free food, and a showing of Captain America: Civil War. Try biking while studying or just hanging out at the Robeks in the lobby and doing some homework there. You’re spending some money to keep this place running, so you might as well utilize some of its many resources.

The Earl Burns Miller Japanese Garden Located on the other side of campus is The Earl Burns Miller Japanese Garden.

Dedicated in 1981 in memory of Earl Burns Miller by his wife, Lorraine, the garden spans 1.3 acres and offers the most breathtaking views of nature to students that often go amiss in the maze of brick and grass offered to us on campus.

On the official website for the

garden, Miller Collins stated that she wants people to leave the garden with the proverb “bamboo bends but never breaks” in mind. She added that “when a person is tired, or anxious, or in a quest for beauty,” she hopes that they “enter and come forth refreshed to meet the problems of the day.”

With sprawling span of stone and greenery, it’s impossible not take that into consideration. Being one of the most high strung people you could ever meet, that place relaxes me more than any other thing I ever experienced. Stressed out about a midterm? Head on over and feed the koi fish for a while. Let one get a little too close for comfort and take a hilarious picture of its wide open mouth. Let it splash you and laugh.

Just need to take a breather and clear your head? Sit under one of the willow trees and listen to the fountains. Get out of your own head and focus on something else besides your problems. This place works and it works well.

Upcoming Japanese Garden events include the Fall Sekku - Formal Tea Ceremony Demonstration on October 16 as well as the Fall Member Tea and Tour on November 5. The garden itself is open Tuesday through Friday from 8:00 am to 3:30 pm and on Sundays from noon to 4:30 pm and is located next to the campus dormitories.

9 FEATURE

By Alejandro Ramos Editor-in-Chief Long Beach State 49ers It’s no secret that watching a sporting event live is a great way to forget about your problems.

Even if you’re not into sports, the action and drama of the spectacle are sure to grab your attention and keep you in your seat from start to finish. and fortunately, you’re able to get your fix of that action here at Long Beach State.

With 8 men’s teams and 11 women’s teams in a variety of sports, Long Beach State is home to a well-rounded assortment of teams. From basketball

to volleyball to baseball and more, there is definitely something for everyone to enjoy.

While our school is small and humble compared to the heavy hitters in college sports, that doesn’t mean our athletes are pushovers. The combination of raw talent and grit makes them formidable foes that won’t quit.

Trust me; I’ve witnessed some incredible performances that changed the would be losses into hard fought wins. You can rest assured knowing you’re cheering for the right team when you go to one of our games.

It’s relatively easy to go to one

of our games.

Most of them occur during the weekend, with a few exceptions here and there. A lot of them are held on one of the various on campus venues, with the Walter Pyramid getting the most traffic.

Games that take place off-campus shouldn’t be counted out, though.

They’re just a short drive or bus ride way.

The best part is that it costs literally nothing to attend the games since admission is free to students.

All you have to do is

show your student ID card at the door to get in.

So keep your Long Beach State 49ers in mind next time you’re looking for something to do during the weekend.

What better way is there to spend time with friends and show school spirit than by going to a game?

For more about the Long Beach State Athletics department and schedule of games, go to longbeachstate.com.

Women’s volleyball and soccer are two of the sports students can enjoy during the fall semester.

10 CULTURE

Dressed for Skill Reviewing the Emmy’s red carpet fashion

By Karrie Comfort Staff Writer Photos from Vogue.com The 68th Annual Primetime Emmys Awards have come and gone in another spectacular display, recognizing the very best in television.

Jimmy Kimmel hosted the event this year, with on-point jokes and every actor in the audience received a PB&J with a personal note from his mom. What made this cute gesture better was having the snacks be personally handed out by the Netflix “Stranger Things” cast.

But in my opinion, the best part of the Emmy’s is what happens off-screen and hits the red carpet, so let’s take a look at the best dressed at this year’s 68th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards!

1. Sophie Turner – Valentino This actress from across the pond stars in the popular “Game of Thrones” series, but she wasn’t playing games with her killer outfit.

Dressed in a semi-sheer black Valentino gown, complete with lace underlay and loose pleating, this look seemed effortless.

2. Neicy Nash – Christian Siriano Channeling some serious Jackie O class, Nash’s curve-hugging white mermaid style gown swept the floor. Not to mention the modified sweetheart neckline added some extra pizazz. A small train made sure people saw her walk in.

3. Priyanka Chapra – Jason Wu Wow, we would expect nothing less from the amazing Miss World winner than a stunning red gown from renowned designer, Jason Wu. This Indian actress, most recognized for her performance in the ABC show “Quantico,” graced the carpet in a gown gathered simply at the waist with a single shoulder strap and two asymmetrical waist cut-outs.

4. Tori Kelly – Puale Ka Now we are well aware that Tori is not a TV star, but this world famous pop singer gave a touching musical performance for the “In Memoriam” portion of the program.

Her vocals weren’t the only incredible thing—her black velvet mermaid paired with silver jewelry and clutch were simple, giving off some nostalgic Hollywood vibes.

5. Rami Malek - Dior Looking quite debonair in his white Dior Tuxedo jacket, this outstanding EgyptianAmerican actor from “Mr. Robot” walked away with the award for Best Leading Actor in a Drama Series. His outfit was complete with subtle black buttons on a white dress shirt and black bow tie.

Now it just wouldn’t be fair to exclude an outfit that more or less missed the mark.

Amy Poehler, a much loved comedian,

wore a Pamella Roland dress picked off the New York Fashion Week runway.

Unfortunately, just because something hits the catwalk, doesn’t make it an awardwinning outfit.

Although Amy is obviously a stunner, the sparkly cape gives off more of a “grandmashawl” vibe and does nothing for her figure.

The dress might have had shimmer, but it fell flat on the delivery.

As always, this year’s Emmys was just as much about what happened on the red carpet as well what happened on stage. What we got on the former were some pretty awesome — and not so awesome — pieces of fashion.

[From top to bottom]: Tori Kelly, Sophie Turner, Priyanka Chopra. [Center]: Rami Malek

11 CULTURE

Broad Strokes Participating in the Chinese Cultural Exhibition Words and Photos by Martha Guiron Quijano Staff Writer The Confucius Institute at CSULB celebrated Confucius Day on September 22 by having a Chinese Cultural Exhibition and allowing students to participate in three hands-on art activities.

Paper cutting was one of the activities.

You got to choose different patterns with varying difficulty, from the easiest — an apple — to the hardest — a dragon. I got something in-between by choosing the monkey. I was informed by the instructor that I had made a good choice because according to the Chinese calendar, 2016 is the Year of the Monkey.

It was a fairly easy task and I wanted to do another one as soon as I finished. I chose a symbol that looked cool, but wanted to know what it meant first. The instructor told me that the symbol I chose meant double happiness.

First the monkey and now the symbol? I

felt like a lucky day was approaching for me.

After we all finished, we were asked to choose which animal from the Chinese zodiac sign book we wanted to take home.

I figured the most logical thing was to pick a pig because it falls under the year that I was born.

On the other side were the calligraphy and painting activities. You could choose to either write out a Chinese symbol or word, paint a panda eating bamboo, or paint a plum blossom tree.

I went with what I felt required little artistic skill which was the plum blossom tree. Another instructor was there to help and she started off by giving me a paper plate and taking her brush to put a few droplets of black ink onto it.

The trick to “painting” a plum blossom is by moving the plate or blowing on the

ink to give it the effect of branches growing from corner to corner. Once satisfied with the outcome, you can add the blossoms by dotting red paint on different parts of the branch. You’d be surprised as I was to see that it doesn’t look that bad.

Xiangmin Li, director of the institute representing China, was manning the calligraphy station and welcomed anyone to come and create their own piece. As I sat closeby to watch another student, he noticed the plum blossom tree painting I had made.

“Plum blossoms are found mostly in Southern China...they bloom in the winter which is why we think it has some kind of special spirit,” Li said.

What really drew me in were the women in traditional Chinese dresses. There were an array of colors ranging from silky rich reds with golden accessories matching

the dress’ intricate patterns to a royal blue that seemed to shine as the sun hit it. They were all so colorful, you couldn’t help but to draw your attention towards them. The gleeful colors of their dresses matched their welcoming smiles.

Li explained that the Confucius Institute is all over the world with over 100 in the U.S. alone. He said that the purpose of the institute is to teach people about the Chinese language and culture and to build friendships with those around the world.

(From Top to Bottom): Xiangmin, director of the institute paiting calligraphy on cloth, paper cutting showing the animals in the Chinese zodiac signs, Quijano’s plum blossom tree painting.

(Center): A student getting taught how to paint a panda eating bamboo.

12 MUSIC

The Echo Presents: A Party With SoCal’s Local Music Scene

Local band Buttertones hosts a show with the finest, foulest, and sexiest bands Words and photos by Isaura Aceves Contributor

There was silence on the whole sound and stage as the Buttertones aesthetic of the band. prepared for their next Their music song and the crowd consists of surf waited. rock guitar riffs, The drummer a growling leaned into the saxophone mic and yelled sound, and “Para bailar the crooning la Bamba!” and vocals of the the crowd went lead singer. wild, singing along Once you see as a mosh pit started them on stage in behind me. I was pushed dapper attire, you get against the stage as the the full understanding crowd started dancing of what this band is really with excitement as Lead singer and rhythm guitarist Richard about. Their embrace the band’s classic Araiza during the Buttertones’ set. of a retro look and cover of “La Bamba” sound elevate them continued. to a unique band that stands The audience kept out against the modern singing louder, almost music of today. drowning out the One of their vocals in the song. opening songs Although their from their set cover is only two was “Dionysus” minutes long, from their first I was still so self-released completely album.

The enthralled by song began in a their performance rather slow tempo that I lost myself with a melodic tone. in the music. The Lead singer Richard constant beat kept me Araiza’s smooth high jumping up and down notes provided the clean as I became one with the sound that band produces. crowd’s excitement.

Lead singer and guitarist for the band As this was one of The Buttertones Jer Nimo. their classic originals, were the headliners the audience sang along Monday, Sept. 19 at the throughout the chorus.

Echoplex in Los Angeles.

But, when they The concert was part performed one of of their residency; their newer songs they host a series “Stray Dog Strut,” of shows at the the rapid tempo Echoplex every and quick Monday in guitar riffs set September up their fastshowcasing paced energy local bands from for the rest of Southern California, their show. including indie folk The high shrieks band Kera and the and low melody of the Lesbians. vocals demonstrated the The choice of a “La versatility of their sound.

Lead singer of Brainstory—Kevin Bamba” cover The audience’s energy perfectly embodies Martin—performing during their set. was established as

they had a constant mosh powerful vocals of their lead pit that kept going singer Kera Armendariz. throughout the rest of Their stage the show. presence was also Their closing unforgettable as song came Kera passionately quicker than sang every one anyone was of her songs. prepared for as Through her they announced performance of their last song, “Nailbiter,” her “Daks Back,” from shrieks emphasized their latest album, her vulnerability as “American Brunch.” she left every ounce of The band members herself onstage. At one shouted “Go! Go! Go!” point she threw her guitar after the opening guitar Bassist Sean Redman performing with as she gave herself to intro, and the crowd the Buttertones during their set. the song. immediately soared During her with their last bit of energy. performance of her single The high-paced drums and “Snake” she brought their blaring saxophoneLaura Burhenn from the accompanied the surf local band Mynabirds rock rhythm creating on stage. In contrast their last hurrah at to her energetic the show. songs, this M a n y performance among the was rather crowd fought haunting. their way on stage Her vocals to crowd surf, with resonated within at least 10 people as she sang in a managing to jump off lower tone causing before the song ended. goosebumps on my skin.

Even though I had to fight The guitar riffs increased and push off people to keep in tempo but slowed down my spot up front the Richard Araiza sweating up a storm with the vocal majority of the time, I later on in the Buttertones’ set. harmonies reflecting felt an overwhelming the emotional state amount of energy at end of of Kera’s singing. She the show. fueled the energetic Besides the state of the crowd as e n e r g e t i c she left everyone performance of with a powerful the Buttertones, impression of a n o t h e r her passion. highlight of T h e the night was concert was the brilliant an unforgettable performance evening made up of

by Kera and the the best local bands Lesbians. of the area.

They’re a selfTwo days after and described “bipolar folk” I’m still singing “Quiero indie band with a sound that bailar la bamba!” in an infinite engulfs a mixture of Laura Burhenn of Mynabirds singing loop in my head. alongside Kera and the Lesbians. folk rock with the rich

MUSIC

A Wild Ride Through Bastille’s “Wild World”

13

A different approach from “Bad Blood” still goes strong

By Rachel Haering Contributor Admittedly, my initial expectations for Bastille’s sophomore album, “Wild World,” were not very high. When the first single, “Good Grief,” was released in June, I found myself thinking it was shallow and uninspired.

I braced myself for an upcoming album that w o u l d disappoint me, from a band whose originality I had loved but who now seemed to be losing their spark.

This was one of the few times in my life I was happy to be proved wrong.

“Wild World” is an expansive album with lyrics just as impressive, if not more so, than Bastille’s debut, “Bad Blood.”

The variety of themes and topics explored don’t always mesh well together, but the overall quality of each song more than makes up for that.

The overarching thread seeming to connect most of the songs is how humans react to and deal with tragedy, whether it be loss of love, life, or innocence.

This theme is extremely topical in light of the many highly-publicized acts of hatred and violence that have occurred around the world in the last few years.

Many of us do nothing, or don’t know how to react. Some people turn to drinking or partying, or seek comfort in their loved ones.

Some of us have become so desensitized that we don’t feel anything at all.

Songs like “Warmth,” “Snakes,” “The Anchor,” and “Way Beyond” explore these various methods of coping with the very human condition of suffering.

Other tunes use a more focused lens to tackle specific issues: “The Currents” is a pointed censure of politicians like Donald Trump and Nigel Farage, whose statements have shocked and angered many and incited heated, sometimes violent, debate.

“Four Walls” deals with the morality of the death penalty, “Campus” with the education system and the isolation and loneliness that many college students feel, “Oil and Water” with Internet culture, and “Glory” and “Lethargy” with society’s ideas of success.

It’s the more straightforward songs about love that seem the most out-of-place on the album. Still, they are some of the most fun. I really enjoyed “Send Them Off!” an upbeat, brassy anthem about a man consumed by jealousy wanting his lover to free him from his concerns, and “Power,” a more serious song about a controlling partner.

For the most part, “Wild World’s” musical arrangements stay in stylistically familiar territory. The arrangements for this album are more EDM-inspired than those of “Bad Blood,” but “Wild World” continues to feature prominent percussion instruments, strings, and piano parts.

Some outliers are “Two Evils,” a sparse ballad that consists of guitar and voice only, and “Oil on Water,” which has a much more laid-back feel than the pulse-pounding songs that feature most prominently.

Bastille also plays with some interesting effects to emphasize their lyrics: taking advantage of stereophonic sound to have the beginning lyrics of “An Act of Kindness” echo from different locations, emphasizing that the act of generosity “follows” the speaker everywhere; inserting heavy percussion hits in “Power;” and using a repeated chord progression in “Lethargy” that sounds almost like an alarm clock trying to shake the speaker from his uncertainty, to name a few.

“Wild World” is certainly an apt title for this album – at times it feels like it’s trying to cram so much varied content into one product that it’s overwhelming. Add the dozens of pop culture references, like the movie quotes that precede some songs, and it’s a pretty dense listen.

It’s a journey that takes a lot of meandering roads to get to its destination, but one that I thoroughly enjoyed.

It’s Just Me and the Darkness Again Ambleside’s new album further shapes them

By Peter R. Clark Entertainment Editor Ambleside is a melodic hardcore band from Adelaide, Australia. Recently they released their new EP “Shape Me,” containing six songs each a little different from one another.

What struck me most about this EP is that every song has some sort of catchy part to it. I found myself singing along with a lot of them.

The first song, “Good Enough?” begins with some clean singing by Dean Laurence, one of the band’s guitarist as well as lead singer, that is repeated throughout the song.

When this section is repeated again, it’s refreshing in the sea of gravelly vocals by Daniel Stevens. Stevens is present throughout this entire album, and the exchange between Stevens and Laurence is great.

“Good Enough?” is a light affair before the heavier songs. It contains some impressive parts that play with the Stevens’ vocals and patterns. A number of sections in this song have great drumming from Ash Mayes. The drumming on this song is reminiscent to the song “Fade” by Casey. It’s methodical and pleasant on the ears.

“Wash Away” is the EP’s second song, and is about love and loss. This song was released a

number of months prior to this EP’s release, in the form of the music video. The music video depicts someone falling in love, only for their beloved to die on the day they propose.

The line repeated throughout the song is quite striking, “bottle up the pain / let it rain and wash away / let it carry you to a better place / don’t forget my name.” This song’s flow reminds me of punk bands from the mid 90s. It has the modern melodic hardcore nature throughout the song. This song is fast, and at times repetitive. Despite that, it shows what Ambleside is capable of. The guitar work by both Laurence and Jackson Buckler complements the heavier nature of the lyrics.

The EP’s best song is “Wasted.” This song is incredibly relatable to me, as it is about wasting one’s life. This song is similarly paced to “Good Enough?”, but contains enough variety to deem it different enough. The chorus comes at a surprise, and I was glad it came. The bass work by Jonathan Young is excellent and really complements the song’s structure. I can’t praise this song enough; it’s near perfect.

Another good song is “Forgive Me, Pt. 1.” I almost didn’t acknowledge this song at first,

because it blended in too well to the rest of the album. However, the ending section of this song was unexpected. It’s a wall of sound, and the descending part that threw me for a loop.

It’s powerfully emotional and melodic.

As a note, this album does not include a “Forgive Me, Pt. 2,” so it is safe to assume that it will be coming late. Prior to the ending, there is a pseudo-call and response section where the two singers play off each other.

The worst song on this album is unfortunately “Dear Mother.” It has good intentions, but it is almost a speed bump on

this album. Unlike the previous song, this speed bump is intrusive to the nature of the album. It is slow, and feels really out of place. The vocalist’s vocals set on top of the already slow song doesn’t quote work here. A number of bands have attempted this in the past, and succeeded, but there is something about this song that doesn’t work. The vocalist’s voice is just not made for this type of song.

“Shape Me” is a great installment to Ambleside’s discography, despite it having one track that doesn’t quite fit. When Ambleside releases a full-length I’m sure it will please fans of melodic hardcore and the band alike.

14 TRAVEL

Cypress Park A stroll through the neighborhood Words and photos

by Mario Lopez Travel Editor

e l on th e mura tion. on of th TA sta A secti f the M o lls a ew outsid

Many times I have been asked where I am from. My answer is usually, “You probably haven’t heard of it.” Though they try to assure me that they probably have, I have never found one person that doesn’t live there know where I am talking about.

Nudged in between the more well-known neighborhood of Lincoln Heights and the city of Glendale is my home: Cypress Park.

Right in the heart of North East Los Angeles, I walk my streets. I strolled by the crappy, local gang’s graffiti and uneven pavement before arriving to buy my mangoneada. As I crossed the street to meet the mangoneada lady, I recognized an older man, a crossing guard, sitting at the corner. This man looked like the very man that helped me cross the street twenty years ago.

I introduced myself to Alfonso Cortez in Spanish and asked if he remembered working at the corner of Roseview Avenue. Sure enough, he did. I asked him how long ago he’s been working in the neighborhood.

He stated proudly, “Twenty-five years, and thirty years at Oscar Mayer before that,” as he showed me to his car and pulled out his certificate of recognition. This man is a Cypress Park Icon.

To work in one place for so many years is a momentous feat, but to be remembered as I have is something else. I wondered of the many students that he helped cross Cypress Avenue,

and thanked him for his hard work to keep the children safe.

We chatted for a while longer; We talked of the changes in the neighborhood and the incessant offers on his home that he bought for $19,000 years ago, now worth over half a million.

As I circled back, savoring my mangoneada, I walked towards King Taco. This Mexican fast food restaurant is a local favorite and the first of twenty locations spread across Los Angeles County. I met up with my longtime friend, Oscar, and we ordered a sope, a few tacos, a burrito, and an agua de piña to wash it all down.

Though their prices have raised in the past few years, the flavor is still there, so I indulge there once in a while.

After stuffing ourselves, we walked around reminiscing of what was and admiring what still is. We walked by the local library, remembering that it wasn’t always there. Years ago, a broken and abandoned home stood there in decay before they built it.

The older library is now a club house for the elders in the community to chill out and have some fun.

We walked to a park where we used to frequent more often, before a bigger and newer park was built down San Fernando Road. A mural on the outer walls of MTA’s Cypress Park bus division still stands strong among the shitty graffiti

Enjoying a delicious meal from King Taco.

wedged in between.

It has stood there since I was a child. I don’t remember it never being there. In collaboration with several artists, the mural depicts many of the cultural and physical aspects of our neighborhood.

As we walked out of the park, my friend bought an ice cream from an ice cream truck. Because, what is the hood without an ice cream truck or a paletero man?

We walked to my friend’s home to get his car and drive up to the view, where many go to just stare at the city skyline of Downtown Los Angeles, drink, get frisky, chill, and talk.

As I stood there enjoying the strong winds rippling my shirt, I was glad I decided to walk through my neighborhood and bask in it, live in it. I mean to truly live in it. Owning a car makes it simple for me to drive to another city, another neighborhood, and sometimes I forget my own backyard is just as great.

So go ahead and walk around your own neighborhood and find all those small joys that come with getting to know your home.

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15 ENTERTAINMENT

Making Things “Wright” In the Courtroom

By Ross Siev Contributor A Phoenix arrives in the foreign land of Khura’in, where mystical arts are revered and lawyers are loathed.

In “Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney – Spirit of Justice,” trudging through each case may be a chore, but the gradual build up pays off.

As defense attorneys of the Wright Anything Agency, they must once again uncover the truth behind several murders and defend a client from a potential death sentence.

Contrary to previous games in the series, the stakes are raised as Khura’in has adopted a Defense Culpability Act. If the defending party loses, then the lawyer receives the same punishment as the accused.

Movies On The House: I Purged

By Jordan Daniels Opinions Editor “The Purge: Election Year” Length: 1 hr 49 mins Director: James DeMonaco Starring: Frank Grillo, Elizabeth Mitchell, Mykelti WIlliamson

The Bad Seeds

By Zach Phelps Food Editor “One More Time, With Feeling” Length: 1 hr 52 mins Director: Andrew Dominik Starring: Nick Cave, Warren Ellis

While Phoenix Wright is overseas in Khura’in, fellow co-workers Apollo Justice and Athena Cykes must manage the agency by tackling their own cases, which feel more like filler since there’s a distinct lack of connection to the overarching plotline.

What makes the visual novel series work is having each case stand on its own while still building up to the finale.

Apollo’s first case in the game feels right at home due to its reminiscence with his first outing in “Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney.”

Athena’s chapter in particular doesn’t hold up well in comparison to the other cases and felt more like a tutorial mission.

Beyond all of its misgivings, the story significantly improved from its previous installment. It now focuses on concluding Apollo Justice’s story. Most of the chapters’ lead-up to the satisfactory epic finale, which pays off with dramatic emotional intensity.

Like every other Phoenix Wright game, establishing th involves finding a specific piece of evidence rather than having the option to choose from selective number of it. For example, presenting a contract that the clipboard was signed on is acceptable, but selecting the clipboard would trigger a penalty strike.

Even though the first time going through

it seemed more like a chore, the everchanging puzzle helps to diversify the trials and establish new mind-benders.

For each terrible and redundant aspect that the series continues to stumble upon, it stands back up with its renowned storytelling and colorful cast of comedic characters.

It doesn’t take a judge to know that “Spirit of Justice” is another success.

Allegorical. Symbolic. Iconic. The Purge: Election Year is a film that encompasses all of those adjectives while maintaining a poignant parallel to the world we live in today, especially in regards to our own upcoming election cycle.

“Election Year” takes place during a presidential election between the Founding Fathers, who support the Purge, and the Independent, who wants to end it. There is also a civil-run anti-purge group, which is similar to the group in the previous film.

These three models represent a trifecta; the oppressor, the defender and the oppressed.

The film is a harrowing reminder of how easily this can happen.

However, it’s also a collection of messages built upon levels of thought processes, all wrapped up in an almost-2hour gorefest that has you holding your breath to see what happens next.

The film critiques obstacles that plague our society such as patriarchy, majority hierarchy and organized religion. It is endowed with nods to current ideals such as women in power, #BlackLivesMatter and representation.

plays upon the barbarism that we glorify in films and media.

At face-value, it’s a film that still makes you think just about how things are done in our government.

In the first five minutes, the film offends you and makes your blood boil.

Yet it makes you wonder how everything is going to play out.

There isn’t a clear definition of what’s going to happen, leaving you knowing it can go either way whether it’s redeemable or not.

It’s a bit cathartic and you leave with a small sense of release. Just as much as you leave with the feeling of wanting to process it all again.

For a man whose entire musical career can be summed up as a running commentary on the more macabre features of the human condition, it might sound farfetched to believe that Nick Cave could possess a softer side.

However, “Play It Again, With Feeling” showcases this unforseen softer side, exposing a side of Nick Cave that simultaneously chips away at his selfconstructed image as a detached artist while further enhancing his reputation as a multi-faceted creative type.

The film itself starts out rather slowly.

Filmed exclusively in black and white, cameras follow Cave around the studio as he works alongside longtime collaborator, violinist Warren Ellis, and their band, The Bad Seeds.

The Bad Seeds’ new songs might be a bit more subdued than his earlier work in terms of instrumentation, but their subject matter features all of Cave’s

At its core, the film is an embodiment of how the conscious internally view our society and speaks on how others view western civilization - sensationalistic of violence and

lyrical hallmarks; biblical imagery, tales of sin and eternal damnation, and death in all

Rating: 4 out of 5 guilty parties

Free showings of this film will run for Oct. 6 and 7 at 3:30, 6:00 and 8:30pm at the Beach Auditorium. its forms.

Halfway through the film, the tone shifts considerably, as Cave receives the tragic news of his 15-year-old son’s unexpected death.

Although direct references to his son’s passing remain limited, it is impossible to ignore the overpowering impact it has on Cave and his usuallyimpeccable composure.

While watching Cave as he navigates the grieving process is often uncomfortable, it not only makes him an instantly more relatable and sympathetic character, but a person as well.

Volume 79 Issue 6

Monday, September 26, 2016

LBUNION.COM

The Grunion is a work of satire. It in no way reflects the views of Long Beach Union Weekly or Associated Students Inc.

SHITLORDS

YOU ALMOST GOT ME, GRIM

Grim Fandango Grunion Fucklord

Mercedes Colomar News Secretary Cervantes LeMans Staff Slave Send submissions to: grunion@lbunion.com

DEADLINES

Germany Puts Restriction On What You Can Put On Your Bratwurst

By Mercedes Colomar

NEWS SECRETARY

R

aul Guzman is to some a highly gifted politcal theorist, to others he is a clever predictor of political outcomings. His work is high regarded as being a large player in the political realm, however last Tuesday that all changed.

Guzman was found dead in his house. It is unclear as to how he died.

The official statement from the police hinted that is may have been foul play, but they aren’t giving clear information.

Penny Wells, Guzman’s neighbor said, “I heard some odd noises coming

By Cervantes LeMans

E Local Man Moves Away: Changes Name to Disant Man

painted on his chest in lipstick was “I fucked that (w)hor(s)e.”

“It appears that Guzman was into some pretty weird shit,” Fernando Veracruz, police information office, said.

“It might be that the animals were for a different purpose.”

Wait a second... what the fuck am I writing? Am I writing a story about a man who is a bestiality enthusiast? Seriously, Grim? This is not at all what I wanted to write about when I called you last week!

Where are my news stories that actually matter? God damn it, Grim, you really are a sorry sack of shit aren’t you? Why do I even put up with this crap? GIVE ME SUBSTANCE OR GIVE ME DEATH!

“If a person says a name in vain, in slander and in obscenity, then the “offensive word” is to be obliterated from the English language.

We understand the contemporary societal standards and multiple cultures’ sensitivity climate as of right now. It is best that we remove such hostile and negative morphemes, not morphine which is not quite as bad.

Henceforth, we, the nine supreme judges, are creating an English style guide for writers and speakers. We believe this new style guide should be a beacon upon a hill for all cultural languages to follow with America’s positive light.” (Fandango v. God. 116 U.S. 789. Supreme Court of the United States.)

Shortly after, my boss Fandango, said, “You guys can go f-” as he was tackled by court security guards.

Being a writer, I decided to check out the Supreme Court’s style guide.

“Please abstain from the following: libel, slander, obscenity, pornography, sedition, incitement, fighting words, classified information, copyright violation, trade secrets, non-disclosure agreements, the right to privacy, the right to be forgotten…” and the list went up to preoccupy 16 pages with censored words including people like Edward Snowden or He-Who-MustNot-Be-Named. As I read through the list, George Carlin was violently shaking in his grave. His name was also banned.

What does this mean?

Grim Fandango, Mercedes, and I, Cervantes LeMans, will not adhere to those standards. We will now be switching over to hexadecimals or binary for communication and learning how to code. Fuck yeah! a.k.a. 46 75 63 6b 20 79 65 61 68!

On a non-sequitur note, George W. Bush is 70-years-old.

that person who is reciting boring topics that they’ve probably been reciting for years now.

It’s time to grow up, worms! I challenge all you fucks out there who use their cellphones in class to go through an entire class without touching that butt plug and listen to what your lecturer has to say. Hell, you may even learn something!

I tried this once and I learned a wealth of knowledge. I learned about things that I would have never have dreamed of. It’s not like I would search for these specific topics, so having a talking head tell me what these things are is great. Fuck, I love using expletives. Oops, that’s not part of the article.

Anyway, put that cellphone down and reach for your professor’s perverbial pleasure device. You can find other ways to get off, and it doesn’t have to be your

god damned cell phone!

Can you remember the last time you touched your cell phone? Right probably 2 seconds ago. Now, how until you touch that butterfly again? Shit you probably looked at it mid-sentence. That text from your sugar daddy/momma can wait.

You’re about 6 sentences away from the end of this article! Anyway, do you think you could extend that time? Have you ever tried not touching your hitachi for more than 30 mins? An hour? I mean if you can make it an hour, what’s another 30 minutes?

So I ask all you fucktards, be considerate and turn off your vibe for the entire class. It’s not that hard, and that’s coming from a dude who’s known as Erectus Maximus.

On a side note, does anyone have a clit stimulator? I need it for... reasons.

GRIM V. GOD

STAFF SLAVE

CONDOMENTS: Ketchup and Relish have been added to the ban list of any sausage party. Mustard and Onions stocks soar due to legislation.

from his house, sort of like a chainsaw mixed with the sounds of animals dying. I didn’t think much of it.”

Guzman was known for having a large assortment of animals in his backyard that he raised in case of emergency.

Wells was privy of this, and assumed he was butchering some. Upon futher invetigation of the scene, it is unclear if this was the case.

Littered around the room where Guzman’s body was found were posters of Donald Trump in clearly photoshopped situations. One depicted Trump eating the asshole of Hilary Clinton, another showed Trump being rammed by a horse. Guzman was naked.

Around his neck was a belt, and

nglish speakers and readers, we have all grown accustomed to hearing the traditional phrases of “He said the B-word” or “She said the F-word” or “Dude, just said the D-word” and so forth. It is cool for speakers to nonchalantly drop the first four letters of the alphabet as well as their associated meanings without affecting the receiver’s entire identity.

All one has to do is take precautions.

Now, it brings me great grief to inform my Grunion readers that the Supreme Court, of our beloved society, has taken all the alphabetical-words. From the A-words to the Z-words, the Supreme Court have issued their ruling on Fandango v. God.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

By John Pine

ERECTUS MAXIMUS

ALOOF: Among other dumb decisons, Local Man changes name to Disant Man in a attempt to remain relevant.

However in his vain attempt, he misspells his new name on registration.

We catch up with Disant Man on page 5

GUTTED

JUMANJI ON HIGH.............................2 IT’S A TRAP..........................................3 RED LIGHT DISTRICT NOW BLUE.....4 DISTANT MAN INTERVIEW.................5 LUCIFER’S BABY SHOWER............666 PANSEXUAL GRAPEFRUITS..............7 PATRIOTS FIRE EVERYONE..............8

C

ell phones. We all love ‘em. They do everything we want.

They keep us in contact with our friends, family, and even secret lovers. They are our calendars, clocks, personal “massagers” (wink), and pocket encyclopedias. The problem is that people can’t put them the fuck down.

We are in class you cretins! Put that god damn contraption away and listen the person trying to give you a 5,000 dollar education. You spent way too much money to be here and you can’t even put that vibrator away for a fucking hour and a half?

Stop playing with yourself and listen to